Forty Eight Thousand Years
by Vala V
Summary: Dark romance, angst, & so much homoerotic tension. The long and winding story of John & Rodney's love begins with hot & dirty sex in Antarctica. But then in Pegasus a true bond and friendship deepens. The real story of the first 5 years must be told to understand the next 5 years and beyond. Warning: Non/con/Hurt/Comfort -but no bad stuff between John & Rodney. A very happy ending.
1. Step 1: Get McKay out of that fleece

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The man in the orange fleece stares at him with startling blue eyes. He seems excited, holding John's gaze and gesturing with his hands.

"Major, think about where we are in the solar system."

John does as the man asks and a holographic display of the galaxy appears above his head. He blinks up from the throne chair, weapons platform, or whatever it might have been before the whole complex was buried under the ice and left by aliens thousands of years ago.

"Did I do that?" He looks up in wonder.

This day has turned out… Well, not at all as he expected. John starts to feel excited by all the strange alien things around him. The lights dancing above his head entice him to feel something other than the numb detachment he is used to. He blinks again and looks back down to the people in the room.

The General that John flew in earlier, the one who warned him not to touch anything, is speaking with that woman who seems to be in charge, Dr. Weir. General O'Neill, Weir, and another man talk amongst themselves and then leave the chamber. Beckett, the Scottish doctor John just met, introduces him to the fleeced man.

"This," Beckett gestures to the man in the orange fleece, "This is Dr. Rodney McKay"

They don't shake hands. John stays sitting in the contraption like a kid that just broke something he wasn't supposed to.

"Pleased to meet you." John says in astonishment, "I'm, uh-"

"Major John Sheppard, yeah, I heard." The man in orange, Dr. McKay, interrupts sounding irritated.

"Don't mind him," Beckett waves his hand, "he's just jealous that he doesn't carry the advanced gene."

"For the last time," McKay makes a sour face at Beckett, "it has nothing to do with being advanced. It is a random genetic characteristic, nothing more."

Tilting his head toward Beckett, McKay continues, "Random or not, it does seem you have a certain proclivity for activating Ancient technology."

"I imagine that Dr. Weir will probably want to see if you can assist with some of the additional testing." Beckett adds.

"Oh. Well, I've got my thing back at McMurdo, so, yeah." John smiles at them both, noticing how the orange jacket makes the blue of McKay's eyes stand out dramatically.

"If Dr. Weir is interested." McKay blinks flatly, "I doubt this would interfere with your 'thing'. We all work for the Air Force here."

"Interesting." John is puzzled. When he was told this might be an extended trip he packed a duffel bag, but he doubts he'll be here long.

McKay steps up on the platform and John find himself staring at the man. There is something about the way McKay looks at him. Something as rare as they say this Ancient gene is; something John has gotten good at detecting after all these years.

In the military, it is really important not to read these things wrong. Sure, the guy acts abrasive, but he is sure that McKay is attracted to him by the way his eyes are flitting over John's body.

"You can probably get out of the chair now." McKay sounds dismissive as he barks the command.

But John doesn't move. He smiles up at lazily at McKay and gives him a long, sure gaze. McKay flushes but holds the gaze. Then, his eyes get big before he blinks and looks away, seeming flustered.

John is confident that there is something of interest here. He likes this bright-eyed scientist. He isn't flashy but he is good looking. Honey colored hair, high angled cheekbones, John likes what he sees so far. It is hard to tell with that fleece on, but John imagines his body. McKay looks like the kind of guy who wouldn't have too much hair on him. Smooth arms and chest, maybe?

It has been so long since John got laid. Finally, he stands up out of the chair and rubs the back of his neck. He eyes Beckett who is busy on his computer and looks back at brusque scientist.

"Well" John steps in close to McKay, leveling his eyes flirtatiously with an easygoing smile, "That was different."

He watches McKay's face closely; he seems nervous but interested. John will have to make the first move with this guy, but he can tell McKay wants him. Besides, this whole outfit will be out of here soon. No one stays Antarctica unless they have to, not even for alien technology; John will never see the guy again.

It's worth taking the risk before he loses the chance. No one at McMurdo will find out. He wants to fuck McKay and he is going to see if McKay will let him.

"I'll see you later." John says softy, squeezing McKay's elbow as he walks by.

Walking down the platform, he speaks more loudly, "It was nice meeting both of you."

As he exits the room, John lets his cool demeanor fall away. He wanders through the busy corridors full of scientists wondering if they all work for this Stargate program. Beckett said it has been active for over seven years.

Undoubtedly, these people were recruited for specialized talents. These days John's nothing more than a glorified chauffeur. If he hadn't fallen backward into that chair... If he hadn't been asked to fly General O'Neill here… he never would have known about this secret base.

John's whole worldview is going through a radical readjustment It is really possible that influential leaders around the world are aware of this interstellar travel? The Air Force is sending people to other planets through a wormhole device located in Colorado? Right now, in 2004? And literally just 45 minutes SSE from where John has been stationed at McMurdo the last 11 months, there is an ancient alien weapons platform?

If he hadn't disobeyed a direct order, John would have still been fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan. Or maybe deployed as part of the new US invasion of Iraq. But all the guys John knew are dead now and he's not really a soldier anymore. He just pilots a chopper in and out of McMurdo.

There hasn't been much to disrupt the glacial pace of his routine; quite different from his life as a pilot in a war zone. In a way he's come to admire the serene beauty of the landscape. At first, it all looked the same, but then John started to pick out the subtleties, the ripples in the snow, the undulating tufts.

Antarctica is a lonely continent, a good place to be in solitude, to disappear from your past. With a lot of drinking and a little Johnny Cash, it isn't so bad.

He's almost at peace here doing his penance. Ever since they exiled him here, hoping he would fade into obscurity. And John's has been happy to oblige. Well, not happy exactly, nothing ever feels happy anymore. Numb, it has gotten numb. Cold and quiet like the drifts of snow outside.

He stares in silence for a while and tries to make sense of the alien artifacts in the rooms around him, but the ideas swim in his mind. It seems like an elaborate joke. How can there be a battle waging beyond Earth itself without most of the world knowing about it?

"Major Sheppard, I've been looking for you." Dr. Weir, the woman from the chair room calls out to him.

John gives a friendly nod and walks her way.

"Rodney no doubt told you about the expedition?"

Feeling out of his element, John shakes his head apologetically.

"Well," she smiles, "as long as you're here with us, I'd like you to help test this Ancient technology. Dr. Jackson believes he may have found another outpost. If O'Neill allows us to use the ZPM to get there, we want to be prepared for what we'll find."

"ZPM?"

"Oh, yes. Short for Zero Point Module; it taps enormous amounts of energy from subspace, though explaining how it works is really more of Rodney's department. The ZPM we have here is what keeps the Earth defense platform working, and we would need to use some of its power to dial a gate that far away."

John squints in her even more perplexed and Elizabeth continues.

"See, if Earth is attacked again, the ZPM will be needed to send out a fleet of drones. A Naquedah reactor isn't sufficient to do this, so we'll need to make sure there is enough surplus energy. Rodney seems to think there will be, provided we can find a way to channel the ZPM through the gate."

"Naquadah? What –what do you mean, attacked again?"

Dr. Weir, or Elizabeth as she insists he call her, takes him by the arm and explains further as she shows him to some temporary quarters. The more she talks, the less John feels he understands what is really going on here.

The small bedroom is spacious by McMurdo standards. Elizabeth tells him that the members of the expedition will be in Antarctica for a few more weeks. She would like him to stay and assist with testing as long as he is able to. Providing his commanding officer and General O'Neill are in agreement, John consents.

Before she leaves, Elizabeth gives him directions to the mess hall and John asks for a favor.

"What is it?" She looks curious.

"Beer?" John asks hopefully, "You guys have that kind of thing here?"

She laughs and takes him to room nearby with a giant Television screen and a small bar, "Help yourself to anything you want while you're here."

For the rest of day, John makes himself available to the various people working with the Ancient technology. Nothing is as exciting as the chair, mostly interfaces for the outpost operating systems.

In between projects, John lurks around the chair room, waiting to see when McKay will be done. As the evening goes by, other people leave. The chambers get quiet and empty. But McKay types away at his computer, eating his ready-made snacks instead of dinner. John leaves to get himself some food.

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When he comes back McKay is still working. John wants to get him out of that fleece. He has to have him and it has to be tonight. He doesn't know how long he will be here.

"Hey." John steps up close.

"Hey." McKay looks up casually and returns to typing.

John leans over the table where McKay is working, "I was hoping to get your help with something."

"Oh yeah." McKay rubs his brow, "What's that?"

This is not going to be easy. John sighs, tilting his head playfully, "Well, it's just, I'm really bored and I heard there was a game room."

"There is?" McKay blinks, "Oh yeah, there is. It's pretty small. Mostly some computer games, no one uses it really."

"Can you take me there?" John lifts his eyebrows.

Looking around the room uncertainly, McKay seems to decide it is okay to leave and stands up, "This way."

John follows McKay a short way and then tells him, "Hang on. I forgot something. Be right back."

Making a quick stop in his room, John dashes to the bar to grab some beer. When he returns with a six-pack under his arm, McKay looks irritated. They continue down a hall until they reach a small room at the end of a corridor.

Again it is luxurious compared to McMurdo, but no TV screen. That is probably why people opt for the movie room Elizabeth had shown him. Other than some board games and some older computers, it has a couch, some chairs, and a table.

As John sets the beer down, he sees McKay turning to leave, "Wait, you're not going to keep me company?"

Oh." McKay turns confused, "You- Okay."

After he ushers McKay back in, John shuts the door behind them. The handle has a lock on it and he discretely turns it in his fingers.

"Here," John grabs McKay a beer, "have one."

"I don't usually." McKay frowns.

John shrugs, "Today has been an unusual day?"

Twisting the top off of his own drink John sits on the couch and sets McKay's beer on the table next to him, hoping he takes the hint. Picking up the bottle dubiously, McKay sits where John wants him.

To close more of the distance between them, John stretches his long legs up onto the cushions. Sitting with his back on the armrest, he lounges casually, facing McKay

"It's good." John takes a sip.

"Hmm." McKay takes off the lid and gives it a try, "Yeah, okay."

Next steps, figure out what makes this guy laugh and get him out of that fleece.

It turns out that McKay loves Sci-Fi movies and TV shows, anything to do with physics or math, and his cat. He likes to make fun of his coworkers, telling John stories about how brilliant he is and that they are not worthy to be his sidekicks.

"Really?" John teases, "'Cause you seem like more of a Robin than a Batman to me."

Though McKay gives him an infuriated look, John feels a growing familiarity between them, as if they have known each other longer than a day.

By the time they are on their second beers, John purposely turns the conversation to sex. He asks McKay questions, like if he's has ever done it in public.

Joining in the spirit, McKay asks John if he's ever had sex on a plane. They take turns asking questions and McKay looks less grumpy now, almost cheerful, laughing easily.

"Ever done it with a guy?" John asks when it is his turn.

McKay just blinks and doesn't answer.

"I'll take that as a yes." John smiles.

"Have you ever done it with a guy?" McKay takes a sip on his beer.

"Well, since I'm in the military and all," John looks at him seductively, "no comment."

McKay's eyes get big, like he finally understands that John is flirting with him.

"Have you ever," John pauses and looks at the other man with open desire, "let another man be inside you?"

The scientist seems shocked, flushed with arousal, looking down and then back up to John, "Yes."

"Would you," John asks without giving McKay his turn, "ever consider letting me-?"

As John tries to think of a sexy way to proposition the man, he falters. When he's done this before, there hasn't been a lot of talking.

McKay's mouth falls open. He stares at John, taking in short breaths. Worried, he may have gone too far, John's hands fumble with his beer. McKay looks like he might panicking.

But McKay doesn't panic; he holds John's gaze and nods decisively.

"I can tell you would make me cum really hard." John's chest is warm with growing confidence, "I could make you feel good, McKay."

"O-oh." McKay's breath hitches.

"Are you as hard as I am right now?" John licks his lips.

"Yes." McKay closes his eyes and lets his head fall back onto the couch.

Standing up, John adjusts his painfully crowded cock in his pants. He sets his beer down to the side of the couch and walks in front of McKay, touching his arm to get his attention.

"Do you want to do something about it?"

"Y-Yes. Yes." McKay looks up at John with his mouth hanging open in disbelief.

John pulls the lube out of his pocket before he starts to take his pants off.

"What, here!?" McKay is stunned.

"Locked the door." John points.

Incredulous at the obvious premeditation of this seduction, McKay shakes his head.

"Take this off." John tugs on McKay's fleece.

Staring at John's tented boxers, McKay flushes and willingly takes of the jacket.

"Mmm." John looks him over, pleased as he runs his hand up McKay's perfect nearly hairless bicep. He kneels down and slides the table away from them, pushing McKay's shirt up and feeling the wonderfully smooth skin on his chest.

McKay starts to looks uncomfortable.

"So nice." John assures him. That seems to relax him. Running his hands up the inside of McKay's pants, John squeezes his cock.

Impressed, John tells him, "Very nice."

He starts to undo McKay's pants but McKay takes over to do it himself. So John pulls off his own shirt and boxers.

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	2. Major Sheppard has his way with McKay

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When Rodney looks up, Sheppard is naked next to him on the couch. Oh my God. His cock is enormous, very long but thick, too. Rodney can't believe that thing is going to fit inside him. Is it even possible?

The cock is straight and has a clean peach tone, not too veiny, not too anything- It is perfect, like Sheppard himself. Rodney gapes at it feeling a bit scared, as it stands to attention, ready to fuck. He can't believe this is even happening. This hot pilot guy wants to sleep with him?

He isn't used to really good-looking people wanting him back. And Sheppard is so, so incredibly hot. Rugged and yet boyish, with those long lashes over big green eyes. His skin is clear and light but not pale.

And that head of hair. That thick crop of dark hair pushing itself out from all angles -it almost looks too messy to be military. Sheppard's body is lean and strong. He looks so long and graceful, ready to pounce.

Rodney suddenly realizes he is still wearing boxers and a T-shirt. He is really just some average nerd, not out of shape exactly, but not toned or chiseled either. Feeling inadequate, he wishes the lights were off or at least lowered.

Sheppard grabs Rodney familiarly around the waist and turns him onto the arm of the couch. He palms one of Rodney's cheeks and makes a noise of approval. His hands push up under Rodney's shirt, along the curve of his back. Then he lowers them, catching and tugging on the waist of Rodney's boxers. This is all happening so fast. Rodney's head is spinning.

Easing Rodney's boxers down and pulling them off, Sheppard kneels behind him. Oh God, he can feel Sheppard's cock brushing against his balls. He pulls Rodney's shirt up over his head and runs his hands across Rodney's skin before bringing them back to rest on his ass. Sheppard seem to delight in his ass, playing with it and squeezing it. He even gives it a light swat or two, making a small smacking sound.

He leans away and Rodney hears him squirting the lube. Oh Fuck. This is really happening. Sheppard runs a reassuring hand under his chest and then grabs Rodney's cock.

Oh. That. Is good. Sheppard is stroking him, teasing him. Rodney has butterflies in his stomach.

Then Sheppard stops. He uses both of his hands to spread Rodney's cheeks and wet his hole with the lube on his cock.

Feeling afraid again, Rodney shivers. How did he end up here with this stranger? The size of that thing- Rodney feels Sheppard's fingers enter him, stretching him in preparation, then he feels something much bigger pressing against him. It almost feels like a fist. Sheppard pushes and pushes.

Rodney breaks out into a light sheen of sweat and bears down as hard as he can. He can feel the head start to work its way in.

He stifles a cry of pain as Sheppard holds onto his hips and uses them to push himself in past the ring. The head is all the way in and it burns, it's on fire. Rodney bites his lip and lets his head fall over his hands, onto arm of the couch.

Oh fuck. Fuck-fuck. It really hurts. He shouldn't be doing this. Sheppard is pushing in for more. He's just going to- Oh God. Sheppard tries to get it all the way in one intense thrust, but it just doesn't give. It's too big and Rodney isn't ready.

"You feel so good, McKay. Fuck. I can't believe how tight you are."

With smaller movements, Sheppard begins to grind instead. Rodney sighs in relief. This is better. The burn starts to ebb into a pleasant ache where his prostate is being stimulated. The sheer pressure of a cock this size is overwhelming, but Rodney starts to relax enough to accommodate it.

He feels Sheppard start to slide deeper and deeper into him. The pain is gone but he still feels afraid, vulnerable with someone he doesn't even know. No one has ever been this deep inside him.

Sheppard's hand closes around Rodney's cock again and he forgets about the fear. _'Oh yes. Touch me like that. Yes. Like that'._

Then Sheppard starts to thrust, pumping in and out. Rodney feels like a ragdoll, skewered on his huge cock. He is slumped over the side of the couch, letting Sheppard use his body however he wants to. But dammit it feels good.

His body shakes and heaves as the base of Sheppard's cock and balls ride up against his ass. Hearing the smacking sound as they slam into him, Rodney feels ashamed of himself for being such a slut.

But he is burning with pleasure now. The way Sheppard's hand is pumping his cock is- Oh, but the ache inside him is even more intense. That huge cock is driving him mad with desire, it feels even better than the hand job.

Major Sheppard is fucking Rodney hard. He has taken him completely, and Rodney feels so out of control. Helpless, he wants to resist this somehow, but he is about to cum.

Helpless. Please, oh, please. God. Sheppard's cock is so deep. It feels like it is reaching up Rodney's throat, squeezing the wind out of him. He breathes in time with the thrusts. Oh fuck. Fuck. He is going to cum. Rodney's body shakes and spasms under Sheppard's hard shaft, cumming in bright white shock.

Sheppard lets go of Rodney's sticky cock and uses both of his hands to grip Rodney's hips, pumping into him intensely. Rodney feels the cock in his ass tighten, the cum gushing into him.

"Oh God!" Sheppard screams. He leans his sweaty brow against Rodney's back, trembling a little, "Ohhh. Oh my God-Jesus, you are so tight."

The two of them breathe together for moment. Then Sheppard pulls out of his ass unexpectedly. Rodney makes a noise of discomfort. Sheppard presses his dry palm to Rodney's back and holds it there for a second, then he stands up. As he hears Sheppard getting dressed and getting his things, Rodney stays hunched over with his face hidden against the couch.

Is Sheppard leaving? Is he going to say anything at all? Rodney starts to feel small. His face is burning with shame. Why did he let this happen? This was a huge mistake. He can't face this man now, not after letting him do this to him.

Rodney hears the sound of the handle turning and then the door closing. He keeps his face hidden out of fear that Sheppard might still be there. Then he remembers that the door is unlocked and jumps up fearfully, locking himself back in the empty room.

In a panic now, he wants to put his clothes on but he has cum all over him. Rodney rummages and finds some paper towels, wiping his dripping ass and stomach. As he cleans up the spot on the couch as best he can, he feels the wetness dripping out of him again. Sheppard's cum in his ass. Rodney dries himself once more. He feels so hollow and empty.

It's like Alex said, no one would ever want him for anything more than just a cum-rag. Rodney vows not to let this happen again, no matter how hot a guy is. Probably just best to avoid guys all together, stick with women- not that they usually want him. Feeling humiliated, Rodney pulls the towel from his crack; the cum is probably done leaking out of him by now.

Collecting himself, Rodney hurriedly pulls his clothes back on. Then taking a deep breath, he opens the door. No one is there. He makes his way to his room and hides in the darkness.

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The next day Rodney is sore. When he sees Sheppard in the lab, he can barely make eye contact. He tries not to think about last night, but he still feels the ache of Sheppard's cock deep up inside him, nearly into his chest.

Strange, Sheppard seems the same as before, casual and easygoing. Throughout the day he makes trips to the lab to speak with Rodney and Carson. They run several tests with Sheppard in the chair. Rodney monitors the results and tries to maintain the same kind of professional detachment Sheppard seems to have. He keeps the dialogue as limited as possible.

When the day is over, Rodney opts to stay out of the mess hall and hides in his room, eating some MRE's instead. Later than night, once he is in bed, there is a soft but unmistakable knock at the door. Bleary eyed, Rodney answers in nothing but his boxers.

It is Major Sheppard. He seems a bit drunk leaning in the doorway. There is a dark and dangerous look in his eyes. Rodney feels his stomach flip-flop. Oh no. He had told himself he was not going to do this.

No, he is not going to- Sheppard's hand presses onto Rodney's bare chest pushing him backwards to the bed. Rodney lets himself fall back onto it far too easily. He gives a soft whimper as Sheppard pulls off his shirt. It is dark but he can make out the solid sinewy lines of Sheppard's chest.

He can't take his eyes off the man as he unbuckles his pants and swings sloppily onto the bed. Bumping into Rodney as he takes off his shoes, Sheppard lolls his head into him.

The attraction is making Rodney's mind cloudy. His cock begins to harden as he feels the contact of Sheppard's bare arm leaning against him. This is the point where he should say no, he should stop Sheppard now. But he doesn't, God help him he wants this man. And he wants Sheppard to want him.

The Major pushes his pants and boxers to the floor and then pauses. He lifts a finger and smiles like he forgot something and reaches to his fallen pants pocket to retrieve a small bottle. Lube. Rodney swallows hard as he thinks about how big Sheppard's cock had felt in his ass last night.

"Take them off." Sheppard gives Rodney a smoldering look.

Rodney knows what to do. He pulls his boxers down and moves up on the bed a little defensively. He lays flat on his back, unsure of himself and worried Sheppard might be too rough given his intoxication. Last night had been rough enough.

As Sheppard lays next to him, Rodney's feels the inviting warmth of his skin make contact. Sheppard's hand pushes against Rodney's hip and rolls him to his side, where Sheppard is guiding him. The Major's body is warm against his back, he is breathing into the nape of Rodney's neck, heavy and deliberate. He moves in closer, his cock between Rodney's cheeks. It is hypnotic as Sheppard moves his body, pulsing and writhing against him. Rodney's cock is rock hard now.

Sheppard leans in closer, pressing his lips into Rodney's neck, trailing them until he reaches the curve of the shoulder. Rodney lets out a soft cry of surprise when Sheppard's teeth bite into his flesh. It is enough to let Rodney know The Major is taking possession of him, but not enough to really hurt.

"McKay." Sheppard releases and exhales in lust. He inhales just as deeply, raking his fingers down McKay's stomach.

Self conscious of his body, Rodney is glad that it is dark. Sheppard moves his hand to Rodney's hip and squeezes. He feels his own cock pulse in anticipation. The strong hand rocks Rodney's hip, sliding his ass against the waiting cock nestled in his crack. Rodney goes limp and lets the man move him any way he wants to.

His cock is bursting now and he feels so guilty that he wants to be used like this. Sheppard reaches back to the table for the lube, then Rodney can feel Sheppard's cock back between his legs, slick and ready. His fingers are wet too and they press into his tight crease.

Rodney widens his legs to help Sheppard find what he is looking for. The fingers fumble over Rodney's balls before they find their way up to his hole. Then Sheppard wobbles back away from Rodney, to make more room for entry. He knees one of Rodney's legs, making him spread wider.

Now Rodney is at an awkward angle, halfway between lying on his side and bending over. He grabs at his pillow with his free arm and hugs it into his chest to stabilize himself. Sheppard sits up with one of his hands resting on Rodney's back and the other working its way into his pucker. The finger moves inside, opening him, playing just enough to get him wet.

Then Sheppard lies back down, guiding his cock between Rodney's cheeks. He finds his target and begins to push against the entrance. It is so impossibly big; it feels like it can't possibly get in. But Rodney knows Sheppard will breach him, just like he did last night.

Oh, God. It is moving in past the ring and it hurts.

"Ohh." Sheppard gasps with the effort and stops there for a moment.

Rodney exhales, trying to relax into it; his hard cock is pressed into the bedding, aching.

The Major leans his body up again holding himself up with one arm and grabbing onto Rodney's shoulder with the other. Sheppard pushes his cock deeper and Rodney chokes, trying to catch his breath. It is so intense. Fuck. Breathe. Fuck.

Thankfully, Sheppard has stopped moving momentarily, he pants on Rodney's shoulder, heavy with lust and the smell of beer.

"So good." He mumbles.

It isn't even close to being all the way in. Rodney squeezes his eyes in fear and anticipation. He knows what it feels like when Sheppard is all the way in. Like a punch somewhere up inside his stomach that makes his whole spine go to jelly. At first it burns, and then after it stretches, it aches so good, sending waves of pleasure down his legs and up his into chest.

He feels like a puppet that Sheppard controls, completely at his mercy, being used and loving it. The cock slides in deeper, he is grateful that so far Sheppard is being more careful with him than he was last night.

Sounding frustrated that this angle won't allow him to go as deep as he wants to, Sheppard prompts Rodney "Up."

He obeys, bowing to his stomach with his legs spread wide for the Major, taking care not to dislodge Sheppard's cock in the process.

Sheppard moves Rodney into the new position and groans, "Yeah."

Here it comes. Rodney breathes. Sheppard pushes in all the way. So big-so big-so big. Rodney concentrates and he tries to relax, to get used to the size of the thing. But Sheppard doesn't wait and begins thrusting deeply into Rodney with desire.

Oh God. It is too much. Rodney squeezes his eyes tight from the pain. He feels like he is isn't going to be able to take it, he's still so sore from last night. Sheppard quickens his pace, slamming in balls deep. Rodney gasps as Sheppard grips his legs, spreading them even wider and pulling Rodney up into him with each thrust.

"Please- please-please" Rodney whimpers, as his eyes water from the pain.

Alex said Rodney liked to be hurt. He must have been right. He shouldn't have let Sheppard in when he saw he was drunk. He shouldn't have let him in at all. Rodney breathes in time to the thrusts.

The pain subsides a bit and then Rodney starts to feel some enjoyment from all the deep pressure. The friction on his prostate is intense. And the sensation of been fucked so deep, so far inside, is starting to ache so good.

Rodney's skin burns with passion and shame. He shouldn't want this, to let someone use him like some kind of disposable toy. It feels wrong and dirty but he can't say no this man. He wants Major Sheppard to fuck his ass. Even if it means he will hate himself later, Rodney wants it now. It feels so good to be wanted by somebody, even if it is just for a moment.

He fists the sheets to keep himself in place as Sheppard's thrusts propel him forward. It is all Rodney can do just to breathe and accommodate the cock moving inside him.

"Fuck, McKay." Sheppard gasps.

Feeling Sheppard's hand curl around his cock, a thrill races through Rodney's body. The pleasure begins to overload as Sheppard pumps his shaft, and he feels like a puppet again.

Sheppard is taking him from inside and out. Rodney gives into the sensation, letting Sheppard ride him to the brink of an orgasm. As Sheppard squeezes his cock Rodney explodes, pulsing in staggered waves. As his orgasm slowly subsides, the cock in his ass swells even bigger as Sheppard cums inside him.

"God! McKay." The Major grips Rodney's shoulder as he spasms.

He waits quietly to see what will happen next. Sheppard stops shuddering and pulls out. Rodney hears him picking up his clothes off the floor and getting dressed.

Right. Of course. Rodney stays on his stomach but presses his legs back together. He doesn't want to look any more pathetic than he already feels. The Major finishes getting dressed and Rodney hears the door open and close.

Did this just happen? It seems so surreal. He just lies there for a while in the dark. Rodney starts to move and moans. He puts his hand on his lower belly. God, it really aches. Doesn't hurt too much, but he feels the ache deep inside him every time he moves. He is probably going to be feeling this for days.

Every step he takes, every time he sits down, he is going to be feeling like he got fucked hard by Major Sheppard.

So stupid. Thinking about it now gives him a flutter of butterflies in his stomach. He shouldn't be doing this. Sheppard is so far out of Rodney's league and he obviously doesn't want anything more from Rodney than a quick fuck. As afterglow of the deep orgasm fades, Rodney gives into the great sadness that has overtaken him

He sighs and turns the light on to clean himself up. After changing the sheets and wiping himself down with a damp cloth, he puts on some fresh boxers and gets back into bed. He feels so pathetic and worthless. To hide his shame and let the oblivion of sleep take him, Rodney turns the light back off.

.

.


	3. Taken in a supply closet

.  
.

Seeing Sheppard the next day is so disconcerting. It is weird how natural he seems, as if nothing has happened between them. Rodney joins in the act and serves Sheppard some acerbic barbs. The Major serves right back, bantering easily, seeming to enjoy himself. It unsettling how comfortable this man feels intruding into Rodney's life and personal space.

In public, Sheppard appears to have no special interest in Rodney. He doesn't treat him differently. It's like it never happened. It probably won't again. Rodney loses track of Sheppard after work and spends the evening catching up with Carson over dinner.

When Rodney gets ready for bed in his quarters he thinks about Sheppard. He has the stupid thought maybe Sheppard will come for him again. Rodney feels excited by the idea then kicks himself for being so pathetic. He won't come, even if he does, Rodney vows to send him away.

Yes, the man is sexy and he makes Rodney cum like he's never cum before, but the price to his self-esteem is too high. After Alex, Rodney had thought that was the last time, the last time he let someone use him and make him feel low.

But here he is 6 months later, giving himself to the first man that wants quick fuck. No, Rodney won't do it. He turns on his pillow with resolve. Then he hears a soft knock. It can't be. The knock comes again. All Rodney has to do is leave it unanswered, but his body feels like it is not his own. He feels himself rise and walk to the door without any internal struggle. He has no willpower at all.

And there he is. The sexy pilot, leaning into the door frame with an easy smile. His eyes are clear tonight, sober and sparkling with desire.

Sheppard opens his wide pouty lips, "I couldn't stop thinking about you all day."

Rodney gulps. Sheppard has been thinking about him? He moves back to let the man into his room. Sheppard closes the door behind them and starts to take off his clothes. Rodney stands awkwardly before he thinks to do the same.

Oh God. What is this man going to do to him tonight? It doesn't matter. Whatever he wants, Rodney knows he will let him do it. He shivers. Then he feels Sheppard stand behind him and run his warm hands up and down Rodney's chest. Though Rodney has always thought his chest his least attractive feature, he submits to the attention.

"I couldn't wait for tonight," Sheppard says as he rests his chin on Rodney's shoulder.

Speechless, Rodney has butterflies in his stomach. Sheppard's hands play lower along his belly, finally reaching for Rodney's hard and ready cock. His knees go a little weak as Sheppard's sure hands grip the shaft. He nudges Rodney toward the bed and lays him down on his side.

Sober Sheppard seems more certain of what he is doing. He props Rodney's head on a pillow and moves his legs open at just the right angle for Sheppard to fuck him on his side. He lubes his cock and lies down next to Rodney. His fingers gently play and wet Rodney's hole. Breathing heavily against Rodney's back, he moans as he places his cock against Rodney's entrance.

He doesn't force it, but gives it to Rodney in inches, working his way in. Rodney feels light and fluttery, he likes this softer approach. One of Sheppard's arms is wrapped around the front of Rodney's chest, holding them close together as Sheppard grinds slowly up into him. It feels amazingly good. As the cock hits the parts of Rodney that felt bruised earlier, the sensation changes to one of a pleasurable ache.

As the Major works his way up, deeper and deeper, Rodney clutches at his arm for support trying to take in the entirety of the massive cock. Sheppard lets Rodney hold onto his arm, seeming to be okay with this small amount of intimacy.

Then Sheppard moves his other hand onto the soft flesh between Rodney's hips and presses back, arching Rodney's ass even closer. Rodney feels them together both breathing heavily in satisfaction. Sheppard moans with desire as he begins to circle his hips, making small thrusting motions.

Gasping, Rodney feels his body melt; it feels good to let the Major do whatever he wants to him. It feels so damn good. The movement starts to rock more deeply, thrusting lightly in and out. Sheppard presses Rodney's chest firmly into himself and starts to play with Rodney's cock. He begins lightly, dancing his finger around the base and balls, then teases the tip.

Finally John's strong hand takes ahold of the length and strokes him. Rodney flutters as the cock inside him moves faster and with more intensity. He groans and trembles under Sheppard's movements. What has this man done to him? He can't think straight.

Sheppard winds the tension up higher and higher until Rodney is out of control, moaning and muttering incoherently. He takes Rodney over the edge, screaming when he cums. Then Sheppard drives deep into Rodney's ass losing control himself.

"God. Fuck. McKay!"

Still holding onto one of Sheppard's arms, Rodney doesn't want him to go. This time felt almost tender, almost close -at least compared to what it had been. But Sheppard sighs and pulls away, leaving Rodney alone on the pillow.

This time Rodney doesn't feel quite as ashamed as he hears Sheppard getting dressed and leaving. He doesn't know why he wants this man so much but he will take what little he can get. Tonight felt so good, he has to admit to himself that he isn't going to be able to say 'No' to this. He will let Sheppard take him, take control, regardless of how much it terrifies him.

.

.

The next week and a half is a confusing jumble of activity. Everyone is so busy trying to prepare for the expedition, even if they don't know whether or not they will be allowed to go. It all depends on whether the IOA will allow them to use up a big chunk of the ZPM energy that powers the chair weapons platform.

During the day, Sheppard is always the same with Rodney. Lightly bantering, detached and amused by his surroundings. Then at night, he comes for Rodney, sometimes rough and hard, sometimes more careful. Rodney can't predict the moods; just that Sheppard will come to him, wanting, and ready to fuck.

He feels thoroughly used, yet enjoying it. Sheppard fucks Rodney like he's never been fucked before. Usually it is raw and purely sexual. But some nights, when Sheppard is almost gentle, Rodney lets himself imagine it could develop into something more. A silly fantasy that fades when Sheppard abruptly takes his leave.

Rodney knows Sheppard just wants to cum, and when Sheppard is finished, he is done. But Rodney has come to crave the time he spends with the man, even at work. Though they snipe at each other frequently, it feels familiar, like they are buddies, almost.

When Sheppard tells Rodney that Elizabeth has asked him to join the expedition to the Pegasus galaxy, Rodney's heart skips a beat.

The idea of having Sheppard near him, not having to stop whatever this is -it sounds too good to be true. Rodney gushes and tells him that it is the opportunity of a lifetime and that he should say yes. Sheppard looks pensive and unsure.

"Look," Rodney tells him, "I know you kind of like Antarctica and all, but this is the sort of thing that most people don't even get to dream of doing. Only the very best and brightest have gotten the opportunity-"

"Whereas, I got a lucky gene." Sheppard cuts him off with a sardonic smile.

"It doesn't matter why." Rodney continues, "You should really consider that this is an amazing opportunity."

"Okay," Sheppard smiles again, this time more amused, "maybe I will."

.

.

Later that day, Rodney is walking down a corridor by himself when sees Sheppard walking toward him with a strangely dangerous expression on his face. As he gets closer to Rodney, he stops in front of him.

Rodney raises his eyebrows.

"I'm coming to Pegasus." Sheppard growls, "Just have to get my stuff from McMurdo."

His eyes narrow at Rodney, then he looks around the hall tactically. Rodney wonders what Sheppard is looking for and turns to see himself.

Suddenly Sheppard's strong arms grab Rodney around the waist. He opens a nearby door and peers into the small dark storage closet. Pulling Rodney in, he shoves him up against the wall and he bites his neck.

"Ahhh." Rodney cries out, "Wh-What are you doing?"

Pushed flat against the wall, Rodney hears the Major unbuckling his pants.

"Wait. I-" Rodney is anxious; Sheppard has never been like this before, "I don't know if this is such a good idea, I-"

The two of them wrestle a bit as Rodney struggles. Sheppard keeps him pinned as he drops his drawers; he is fumbling with Rodney's pants now.

"No," Rodney isn't able to put up much of fight and protests instead, "Wait."

Easily holding both of Rodney's hands with one of his, Sheppard he uses his other hand to finish undoing Rodney's pants.

"I know you want it." Sheppard whispers, "Tell me you don't want it and I'll stop."

Panting from the struggle, Rodney tries to think. Of course Sheppard knows he wants it. Sheppard knows he can take Rodney however he wants, whenever he wants. Rodney is as shaken by this realization, as he is by Sheppard's sudden attack. He lowers his eyes silently to his pants around his ankles.

When Sheppard pulls down Rodney's boxers, he is completely hard.

"Now." He leans into Rodney's ear sounding satisfied, "Tell. Me. That you want it."

"I," Rodney swallows, his face warm with shame. He whispers, "I want it."

Roughly spinning Rodney around, Sheppard leans him against a low shelf. He grabs and squeezes Rodney's pert, full ass, playing with the cheeks and slapping them.

"Mmm. So tight McKay. So fucking tight."

Sheppard rustles with a small bottle. Oh thank God, he brought lube. Quickly lining up his target, Sheppard spreads Rodney's cheeks and pushes in.

"Ahhha!" Rodney cries out.

"We just gotta be quiet." Sheppard holds his hand over Rodney mouth as he thrusts his way into the tight hole.

"Mmph-Mmph. Ohhm. Mmph."

Rodney's cries are muffled. Unprepared to be taken this fiercely, he whimpers into the Major's hand as he pulls in and out of him, deep and fast. His eyes water and he moans against the shock of penetration, hoping that the pain will pass soon.

"-Mmgh –Mmph-Uhgg –Ughh -Mmm"

As Rodney stretches, his muffled noises become less frantic. Sheppard reaches for Rodney's wilting erection and pulls on it. There is pleasure but it has a sharp edge to it. It is all so intense. Sheppard wants to cum fast and he is trying to take Rodney there with him.

The scene of it all, humiliating at first, is now turning Rodney on. He gives in and sags into the shelf, letting Sheppard have complete control. He hates that being used turns him on, he feels so helpless with Sheppard fucking him like this. But Rodney cums fast into Sheppard's hand.

"God. So hot." Sheppard rasps as he turns his full attention to penetration, "Your ass is so fucking tight."

Driving deep, Sheppard rides the orgasmic ripples; his body shaking against Rodney as he swells and releases, spurting his cum into Rodney's ass.

"Ahhhhh. Oh. So fucking tight." He pulls out releasing Rodney's hips.

"I'll be gone for the night at McMurdo." Sheppard quickly pulls his clothes on before closing the door behind him.

That had been hot. But Rodney feels bare, conflicted. He just wishes he and Sheppard were closer. It feels so weird to let somebody he hardly knows have all that control over him.

Sheppard probably thinks Rodney is as pathetic as he feels. He knows Rodney will let himself be used. For some reason Rodney lets himself hope that there could be more between the two of them, that he could be closer to this man. Still, he's glad to have a night off. Rodney is so sore now and doesn't think he could do it again tonight.

But that night when Sheppard doesn't come, Rodney misses him. Not just the sex, but having someone interested enough in him to want to spend time with him. He hates how pathetic he is.

.

.

After flying back the next morning, Sheppard acts casual and aloof. Obviously Sheppard didn't miss Rodney. The day is unspectacular and Rodney finds himself retiring early. Afraid that Sheppard won't come, he is relived when he hears a knock at the door.

When Rodney lets him in, Sheppard smiles but his eyes look serious. Instead of stripping right away, Sheppard sits on the end of the bed. Rodney follows him and sits nearby, waiting.

"I got my stuff." Sheppard turns his face to look at Rodney.

Perplexed, Rodney answers, "That's good."

"It's just," Sheppard shifts his weight on the bed, "I wasn't planning on leaving here. At least for a long time."

"I think you made the right decision." Rodney smiles.

Sheppard furrows his brows like he is uncertain but nods. Then he gets up off the bed. Turning on the bedside lamp and the overhead light off, he stands by the door taking Rodney in.

What does this guy think of him? Rodney feels insecure and small. Sheppard breaks his gaze and pulls the lube out of his pocket, placing it on the nightstand. Then he begins to strip.

This part Rodney knows; he takes his clothes off even though being under the light is making him feel awkward. But Sheppard looks at Rodney as if he likes what he sees.

Rodney starts to turn over, but Sheppard's hands stop him and roll him onto his back.

Kneeling over him on the bed, Sheppard takes Rodney in again with his eyes. Rodney shivers a little under his gaze. Sheppard's heavy palm touches Rodney's chest; he stares at it, moving both his hands over Rodney's chest and stomach.

Then Sheppard lifts one of Rodney's arms that are plastered to his side. He rolls his fingers up and down the length as if there is something about he enjoys. He releases Rodney's arm and runs his hands over Rodney's cock and then down his legs.

He examines one of Rodney's legs in the same way he did the arms. Rodney has always felt self-conscious about his scant amount of body hair, especially on his legs and chest. But Sheppard smiles in a way that eases his insecurity.

As Sheppard folds his legs up into a bent position, Rodney understands. Sheppard wants to take him from the front. Looking thoughtful for a minute, Sheppard then uses his easy access between Rodney's spread legs to play with his cock.

Closing his eyes, Rodney lets himself relax. Sheppard is taking his time tonight, he is not demanding. He nurses Rodney's erection before wetting his own cock with lube. Then he lifts Rodney's legs higher than he was expecting.

Surprised, Rodney's eyes go wide as he feels his legs being lifted over Sheppard's shoulders. Sheppard gazes down at him and smiles softly; the expression on his face almost seems tender and Rodney relaxes again. Sheppard positions himself to enter but leans forward so that he is looking down at Rodney's face. He watches him intently at he begins to push his way inside.

As the head begins to breach him, Rodney's mouth goes wide and his breath hitches. He is hyperconscious now of the faces he is making. He bites his lip and inhales sharply as Sheppard sinks in.

Little gasping noises keep escaping him each time Sheppard drives his cock deeper. It feels intense, but it doesn't hurt, Sheppard is watching closely and making sure he doesn't go too fast. Rodney feels so exposed and vulnerable. Pulses fluttering, like some sort of current radiating through each time Sheppard moves inside him.

And Sheppard is watching him, seeing how much he moves Rodney, seeing how he can make Rodney feel. Sheppard keeps the pace slow and steady, sensing just the right timing needed to keep Rodney's eyes rolling back in his head. Rodney can't fight this. He surrenders to Sheppard as he always does, letting himself be lifted into pure ecstasy.

He feels bared with Sheppard staring down at him, so strong and intense; Rodney can't read the expression. His eyes flutter up and back again. Sheppard seems to know just when Rodney is ready for more. Thrusting harder in and out, Sheppard uses the lift he has on Rodney's legs to pump into him.

Rodney cries out in pleasure. He is completely under Sheppard's dominion and Sheppard has discovered just how to use Rodney's body, to play it like an instrument. As he gasps and moans, he can hear Sheppard moaning too.

God. His cock is so hard and Sheppard isn't even touching it. Rodney feels like he could cum just from this. He loves this feeling of John's cock moving inside him. Rodney hasn't let himself think of him as John before. But he wishes he could call the man who has so much power over him by his first name. Oh. John is touching his cock now. Oh. It's too much. He is cumming-

"Oh God! John!" Rodney screams out without thinking.

Sheppard's cock swells inside him. He shudders and groans, finally letting go of Rodney's legs as he pulls out. Catching his breath, Sheppard leans back to the end of the bed for a minute resting on his hand.

It feels like Rodney has broken some kind of unwritten contract by using Sheppard's first name. He hadn't meant to. Rodney watches him anxiously. Without meeting his eyes, Sheppard pushes himself off the bed and collects his things.

This time Rodney watches him get dressed. He is surprised by how shaky and nervous the other man appears. Sheppard is always so confidant but the look on his face now is almost fearful. Carefully keeping his eyes averted, Sheppard's hands seem to tremble as he pulls his clothes back on. When he is finished he leaves without a word.

For some time Rodney lies there unmoving, wondering what could possibly be going in Sheppard's head. Whatever it is, there is a lot more to the story than Rodney knows.

Tonight, at least for a while, it seemed they were close in a different way. But now Sheppard is gone and he feels lonely and unlovable again; disgusting for wanting sex with someone who only wants to use him. Rodney just came harder than he ever has in his life, but Sheppard doesn't care about him. He knows Sheppard isn't mean; he just didn't care for Rodney that way.

And Rodney likes Sheppard so much, whether it is fucking or just talking at work. Rodney wants to be around him whenever he can. It scares him how much he wants this man. It is pathetic and stupid. Looking down at his pale hairless body, Rodney feels contempt. Why would anyone feel anything other than disgust for him?

He tries to keep the darker thoughts away, the ones at the edge of his mind. But the sound of Alex's voice crowds into his mind. Rodney curls himself into a ball and tells himself to calm down.

Nothing good will come of remembering the past. He can't let it ruin the little bit of pleasure he has been able to find since then. Rodney forces himself to stand; he cleans up and puts on some fresh boxers. Feeling a little less vulnerable now, he turns off the light and curls back into a ball on the bed.

.

.


	4. The last time

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.

When Rodney wakes the next morning he feels empty and still so tired; like he got no sleep at all, only nightmares. Fortunately they have faded. Though he is pretty sure they were about Alex. Rodney gets ready for the day in a haze.

A terrible sick knot is stuck in the bottom of his stomach. He doesn't even feel like eating. He will have to force himself. There is a lot to do today; the military and the IOA, the civilian oversight committee that runs the Stargate program, have both given the expedition the green light. It will be less than a week now before they head to the military base in Colorado Springs where the Stargate is kept.

Rodney still can't believe that he called Sheppard by his first name last night. So embarrassing. The fact that Rodney sees very little of Sheppard throughout the day leads him to believe that he has made a fatal error.

Of course, Sheppard would be repulsed by the idea that Rodney might want something more familiar with him. Sheppard doesn't care about him. He had never misled Rodney to think otherwise. It is a very emotionless arrangement. They both cum and that is all there is to it. But Rodney has gone and fucked it all up, now he wasn't even going to get that.

.  
.

That night, Rodney can't help but hope that Sheppard might come after all. But the window of time in which Sheppard would usually knock comes and goes. It is late and Rodney can't sleep. He decides to take a shower to try and relax. The showers here are pretty nice by Antarctic standards and the water rationing not as severe.

He is taking some deep calming breaths under the hot water when he hears a noise. Startled, he looks up and sees Sheppard. Glorious and beautifully naked Sheppard. He is so tall and lean. He looks very Irish, with those green eyes and a thick mop of black hair. His skin has a pale golden hue and his face is achingly handsome.

It's hard for Rodney to place his finger on what exactly makes him so impossibly good looking. It is everything. The playful glint in his eyes, the sinuous curves of his torso and limbs, the soulfulness in his face, and of course that perfect cock. Rodney's stomach flips when he sees him.

"I thought I might find you here." Sheppard seems at ease, setting his clothes down on the bench, walking from around the pillar by the door and right up to Rodney.

Why would it ever occur to Sheppard to look for him here? Rodney gapes in wonder as Sheppard runs his hand up his back. God, he has missed that touch so much. It has only been since last night, but he has missed it. He could almost let himself believe that Sheppard missed him too.

There is something in the way Sheppard is touching Rodney that is different, more intimate. Rodney knows he is probably just coloring in emotions that aren't there because he is feeling so much for this man.

Sheppard's hands run over his chest, touching him with such familiarity. He cups Rodney's ass and squeezes it affectionately. Moving his lean body up against Rodney's back, the two of them stand there together skin on skin under the water.

This feels different. He wants to turn around and face Sheppard, to touch him, kiss him. But Rodney knows somehow that wouldn't be allowed.

Leaning down with his head on Rodney's shoulder, Sheppard rests it there. "I want you."

Oh. Rodney trembles with emotion. Sheppard wants him. He wants him back. Without moving, Rodney reaches for a bottle of conditioner. Sheppard understands what Rodney is thinking and takes it from his hands.

While putting some on his cock, Sheppard leans his head into Rodney's shoulder. To keep from washing lather away, Rodney turns the water off. Sheppard reaches his long arms around, pulling him back into his chest and moving Rodney to face against the tiled wall.

With his head burrowed against Rodney's shoulder, Sheppard hugs Rodney's chest in a possessive yet gentle way. His other hand wraps around Rodney's waist and then strokes over his hips and stomach. Lightly caressing him, the hand works down to his waiting cock and Rodney gasps. Sheppard slowly pumps the shaft and teases the head before trailing his fingers back to Rodney's ass and preparing him.

They both moan as Sheppard slowly eases it in. There is a desperation about the way Sheppard is touching him tonight, like he is trying to reach something in Rodney that he hasn't gotten before.

But he is not rough. When he gets his cock fully inside, he sighs with relief, moving with a shallow, even tempo. Each time it seems like he can't get deep enough. He pushes Rodney into the wall, but the arm that is hugging around his chest protects him from the force of the thrust.

Rodney knows he is kidding himself to believe that this time is different, but it really feels that way to him. When Sheppard moves inside him, he feels less helpless and more held. The way Sheppard is leaning his head into his neck and shoulder feels so intimate. Rodney moans as the thrusts get stronger, he feels so taken by this man. It feels so right.

When Sheppard moves his arm down to stroke Rodney's stiff cock, he feels himself unraveling. Light is bursting through him and pulsing out to his extremities.

Every part of his body is orgasmic. He realizes that Sheppard is cumming too as he spasms and drives his cock in, trying to get even deeper. Sheppard lets out a cry and goes slack. His body slumps against Rodney's and they just stay there breathing together.

After a time, Sheppard touches Rodney's back gingerly and pulls out. As Sheppard stands behind him, the hand remains on his back. Then almost reluctantly, it drops away.

Uncertain of what happens next, Rodney stays facing the wall. He wants to believe this time is different somehow, but he doesn't want to watch Sheppard walk out. Really, he doesn't want Sheppard to see his own face, how pathetic he feels each time Sheppard leaves.

It is quiet for a moment. Sheppard is still behind him, Rodney wants to turn around and-

No, Sheppard is leaving. Gathering his things, dressing-

As the door closes, Rodney feels all the air go out of him. He clings to the wall for support, so empty. A sob is stuck in his throat. Everything that Alex said is true. Rodney is disgusting and worthless. No man will ever want him for anything more than a throwaway fuck.

He wishes he were something different, better. The wetness streaking down his face confirms how pathetic he truly is. Rodney gives up as the emotion tears through him and lets himself slide to the floor. The choked sob escapes his throat, but it isn't enough. Another sob, and then another, well up, push out of his chest.

The room seems like it is closing in on him and Rodney feels so alone and afraid. He hugs his knees into himself and lies there brokenly on the cold tile floor.

Sobs come heaving out of him now. In between, when he can catch his breath, he whimpers, "Please-please-no."

His body shakes involuntarily against the intrusion of the old painful memories.

"Please. No." He twitches again violently; there is no stopping the tears now. Rodney feels so pathetic and disgusting. He is so stupid for wishing Sheppard cared about him.

No one will ever care about him. He is so stupid and alone. All he can hear is Alex in his head over and over.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John stops himself and turns back down the hall to the shower. He had wanted something more tonight. He doesn't know what, but he still wants it from McKay.

He turns the doorknob quietly and steps in. The post obscures him, but he sees around the corner. McKay is slumping onto the floor. He looks hurt and afraid. He is choking and trying not sob. It is the saddest thing John has ever seen.

McKay looks terrified and curls into a ball, sobbing, "Please-please-no."

His body is shaking like something horrible has happened to him. What happened to him?

Oh my God. Is this is how John makes McKay feel? He doesn't know what he did wrong, but somehow, he has done something very, very wrong.

"Please. No." McKay shakes and sobs wretchedly, begging for it to stop.

John feels sick to his stomach. He thought McKay had been okay with this. Is it possible that McKay didn't really want this? He doesn't know, only that he has hurt this man without realizing it. He hurt him even though he really, really didn't mean to. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt McKay.

Silently backing away, John returns to the hall. He is horrified with himself. This can never happen again. Never again.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

The following day Rodney doesn't see Sheppard in the lab at all, which is odd. Rodney asks Carson if he knows where Sheppard is. He says the Major isn't coming with them after all and has gone back to McMurdo.

"Oh." Rodney feels a dull pain and tries to hide it.

Carson continues, "Yes, well Elizabeth isn't happy about it. She said the expedition needed people like Sheppard."

Reviewing the math absently, Rodney returns to his work, his plans to tie the energy of the ZPM into the Stargate. If his calculations are correct, and they always are, it should be enough to send them the long distance to the Pegasus galaxy.

Once more he feels the dull pain. He hadn't known last night was the last time. Had Sheppard known then?

The last time.

He will probably never see Major John Sheppard again. Rodney had known it was bound to end eventually, but he still feels incredibly sad.

The next few days are a blur, getting everything finalized, packed up. Most of their supplies and secondary team members are sent ahead to the SGC headquarters where the Stargate is located.

As Rodney boards the C-130 military plane destined for Cheyenne Mountain, he is shocked to see John Sheppard's face again. Afraid to meet his eye, he turns to Elizabeth, asking her why he is here.

"Let's just say," She smiles, "It goes a long way when a commanding General orders someone to go."

"You really went that far?" Rodney tilts his head.

"I did." Elizabeth looks satisfied.

Trying to sort through his complicated feelings, Rodney doesn't approach Sheppard. Okay, so, they are going to be working together. Rodney can do that. Sheppard has always been decent at work, friendly, bantering.

Despite how fucked up Rodney feels about everything, he really likes the guy. Well, he more than likes him, he still longs for his touch. But he is okay with Sheppard, mostly. He can be okay with this.

When they arrive at the SGC, he and Sheppard stay far apart. Rodney soon looses track of him. He is so ecstatic that his ZPM interface works, that he forgets about his other insecurities, proud of himself for being so brilliant.

As Rodney watches, the giant metal Stargate in front of them begins to move. The gate activates by spinning several times, turning back on itself like a lock combination, before eventually stopping. A rush of blue liquid appears in the middle, at first flowing out toward them, then collapsing back into a gentle ripple along the surface.

They send in a robotic MALP to determine viability of life support on the other side; the control room announces they have a go.

This expedition is likely to be a one-way trip to the Pegasus galaxy, but Rodney has never been more excited in his life. Entering the event horizon, green hues curve out in front of him in arcs and spirals. There are blinding flashes of light and then just darkness as he steps forward into the unknown.

.

.


	5. Why John shot Rodney in the leg

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.

Everything that has happened since arriving here a couple days ago, defies belief. John's mind is still reeling from all he has learned about the Stargate program, now he is trying to integrate a whole new galaxy and threat.

These creatures here, the Wraith, remind him of a demented tale from a children's storybook… sucking the life out of their human victims with their hands as they absorb the energy. They regenerate each time they feed, able to live for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years; culling the planets of this galaxy, as humans would cull a herd of cattle.

John stares out across the darkened water that surrounds the floating outpost, or rather, the star-shaped city they have dubbed Atlantis.

Ignoring the sounds of gaiety and celebration behind him for a moment, he thinks about how precarious their position is. Stranded, without the power of a ZPM, they have no weapons or shields. They can use the Naquadah generators to dial local gate addresses, but they are sitting ducks.

Elizabeth had insisted on celebrating when John came back from the rescue mission; making a big party for the expedition and their new Athosian allies.

He still feels out of place, being the only member of the expedition who didn't actually volunteer. He isn't one of the 'best and brightest' of the many countries represented here. Funny, he hadn't realized that McKay was Canadian until he saw the uniform with a maple leaf flag on it…

It's not that John hadn't wanted to come. What he had been trying to avoid, was his guilt, over what had happened with McKay. If he is going to be working with the guy again, he should try to make things right somehow.

He grips the balcony, thinking about the man he failed to bring back, Colonel Sumner. It doesn't feel like a successful mission to him. As Elizabeth joins he and Ford on the balcony, she hands each of them a glass to toast their victory. John lifts his cup and obliges her, but his face is cheerless.

"You did good, John." Elizabeth tells him.

"I don't know about that." John tells her honestly. He thinks about the Wraith Queen's dying words, warning him that by killing her, he had awoken the Wraith from their slumber –ALL of the Wraith, she had said.

Elizabeth meets John's eyes, "Hey... There was no way you could have saved Colonel Sumner."

"I have to live with it." He looks at her blankly.

He will never forget image of that creature sucking the life out of Sumner until he was nothing more that a gray husk, begging for John to end his suffering... And John had done it. He had fired the shot to end Sumner's life.

Sighing he tells her, "I'm beginning to think you were right. I have made things much worse. I haven't made us many more friends out there."

"No?" Elizabeth turns to face the huge vaulted gate room behind them. It is teeming with members of the expedition as well as Athosians, "Look around you."

Teyla, the leader of the Athosians moves forward from a neighboring railing, "I agree Major Sheppard." She places her hands on John's shoulders and leans her head in.

John has seen the Athosians greet each other by touching foreheads and wonders if this is the gesture she is trying to make. He leans forward uncertainly and tips his head to rest on hers.

Lifting her head back, Teyla tells him, "You have earned both my friendship and that of my people. With our help, you will make many more friends."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney stands next to Carson awkwardly eating hors d'oeuvres. He watches Teyla give an embrace, an Athosian "hug" to Sheppard. In the moonlight, Sheppard looks so striking. Rodney feels a twinge of jealousy that he has never been alluring - or maybe it's jealousy that Sheppard...

He feels little flip-flops in his stomach as remembers Sheppard's hands on him, the force of Sheppard's cock deep inside him. Never mind, best not to think of such things. Rodney walks away kicking himself for caring.

He had been so relieved when Sheppard made it back safely from the mission, but now he feels soured to the whole situation. Technically, now that Sumner is gone, Sheppard is the ranking military commander. How did this happen? Rodney is the genius that has been working with the military, like, forever.

Rodney's the one with all the know how. This guy, just drops in from McMurdo one day and has the stupid blind luck to have the Ancient gene that activates the technology. Now the pilot with the 'I don't give a fuck' attitude is technically in charge of the military arm of this Pegasus expedition.

The pilot who had fucked him... fucked him repeatedly and acted like it never mattered... He... had fucked Rodney, and used him, and Rodney still aches for more... It's all so pathetic. Great, and now this guy can order him around him on 'his' own project. None of it is fair.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John sees Rodney inside standing next to Dr. Beckett. He meets John's eye and quickly looks away, walking back into the crowd where John can't see him.

Elizabeth speaks again, "One more thing, Major, something I'd like you to sleep on. I have a few thoughts on it myself."

"Thoughts about what?" John asks.

"Who the members of your team might be." Elizabeth continues.

John lifts a corner of his mouth in amusement, "My team?"

"Well, you are the ranking military officer now..." Elizabeth explains, "Or do you need to be reminded of that?"

He blinks, silently pensive. John is not the kind of guy to be in charge. He is the fuck-up, the one they sent away to get rid of. Of course, Elizabeth and her International Oversight Advisory are the ones calling the shots, but still, second in command seems…

"We need to get back out there, do what we came to do." Elizabeth says firmly.

"You realize that could get us into all sorts of..." John smiles and leans on the railing, "trouble, right?"

Elizabeth smiles back and nods unafraid.

McKay is the first person that comes to John's mind. He doesn't need to sleep on it. Despite everything, John still wants to be close to him in some way. John enjoyed all the time spent bantering with him and trying to piss him off. Besides, McKay is always bragging about what a genius he is, maybe that would come in handy.

Who else? Teyla, the hot leader of the their new Athosian allies seems like she could handle herself in a fight, plus it would be a diplomatic choice. Military? Lieutenant Ford would do just fine. Right, easily sorted. John sighs, feeling a little better, almost even pleased with himself.

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* * *

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.

Over the next few days, Sheppard appears constantly in Rodney's lab pestering him about what he is working on. It seems Sheppard has nothing to do right now but annoy Rodney. It is his new pastime. Seriously, The guy pops in and out all day.

Rodney finds himself acquiescing, albeit reluctantly, to his new sidekick. But Rodney is sure to never let himself quite seem to be a willing participant. He rolls his eyes and snipes at Sheppard whenever possible, secretly he is glad to be in Sheppard's company again.

Maybe that is one of the reasons he agrees to try Carson Beckett's experimental ATA gene therapy. Odds are only about 50/50 that it will work, but he'll take what he can get. He just wants to be able to use Ancient technology like Sheppard. God, Rodney has got to stop thinking about him so much.

Throughout the day he eagerly fumbles with the small green jewel-thing that sits in his pocket. He has an idea about what it is used for, and he wants to show Sheppard. But Rodney wants to be the one to activate it, if this new gene therapy works.

Mid-way through the day it powers on. Eureka! He pulls it out of his pocket in excitement and attaches it to his chest. It stays there and a green energy pulse washes over him.

If Rodney is right, and he thinks he is right, this device acts as some kind of personal defensive shield. He runs like an eager kid to show Sheppard… and possibly, hopefully taunt him with Rodney's newfound abilities.

It's about lunchtime, Rodney should be able to find him in the cafeteria. He spots Sheppard disposing of his tray and decides to come back later for his own lunch. This is more important.

"Major!" he calls out.

Sheppard gives a polite nod as Rodney approaches, "McKay."

"We found something very important. Only someone with a strong gene like yours should be able to control this Ancient technology. Come with me."

Lifting his shoulders amiably, Sheppard agrees, "By all means."

Rodney takes them to a large warehouse room with an upper and lower level. Some of the expedition supplies are stored here. The room has a nice wide-open area, perfect for what Rodney has in mind. He stages himself in the middle and waits for Sheppard to join him.

"So…" Sheppard looks confused, "I don't understand what I'm supposed to do?"

Smiling with a bit of condescension, Rodney tells him, "It's okay, you aren't capable of understanding the complexity of this technology. That's why I'm here. All I require from you is a bit of brute force. Which I'm sure, as soldier, you should be able to provide."

Sheppard frowns at him as if he is trying to decide whether the insult was intentional or not.

Clearing his throat, Rodney lifts his chin, "Major, will you please attempt to move me from this spot."

When Sheppard merely tilts his head at him, Rodney begins again, "I am using an Ancient device, one that I believe will make my strength superior to yours. I require your assistance in testing it. If you like, you may begin with a simple punch to the-"

"Ahha. Ah." Sheppard's fist glances off the side of Rodney's face. He looks up in wonder, "What the hell was that?"

"That," Rodney tells him smugly, "Would basically make me a superhero."

Rodney smirks that his new toy that made him tougher than the Major. "We could try something else?"

"Oh yeah." Sheppard looks around the room conspiratorially and lifts up a large piece up metal tubing. "You ready?"

Nodding in excitement, Rodney feels nothing as the bar goes flying out of Sheppard's hands with the force of the momentum.

"Okay." Sheppard tells him, "So you have a good defensive strategy, let's see if you can attack."

"What?"

Jumping in front up him with his fists up, Sheppard challenges, "Hand to hand combat."

"Oh, I don't kno-" Rodney sees Sheppard's fists recoiling from the force of the green shield and his confidence grows. He jabs out a right hook into Sheppard's chest and watches in amusement as he flies across the room.

"Major!" Rodney runs to him, "Are you all right?"

As he gets closer, he can hear Sheppard laughing and climbing down from one of the cargo crates. "That was really cool."

After that they try out all kinds of scenarios, hitting Rodney with different objects, having him jump off of a steep ledge. Sheppard seems as giddy and playful about Rodney's new personal shield as he is. They run all around the city looking for new ways to test it out. Out of breath and laughing, Rodney races to keep up with Sheppard.

This is the most fun he is had in a long time. It feels thrilling that Sheppard is treating him like one of the guys. It almost feels like they are friends now instead of reluctant comrades.

"Okay… What haven't we tried?" Sheppard strokes his chin.

"Bullets." Rodney's eye's flash, "I bet it repels bullets too!"

"Uhhhh." Sheppard frowns. "Might not be the best idea."

Sighing, Rodney tries another tactic; "You know that I'm a genius, right?"

"Ah, you keep telling me that." Sheppard says tightly.

"Okay, when I say genius, I don't just mean genius. I'm talking, probably the smartest person that ever lived."

"Ever? As in Einstein, Newton, Hawki-

"EVER." Rodney exaggerates "So when it comes to this little device, I'm sure I could easily create another one… Would you like one?"

Sheppard grins, "That would be very cool."

"See, then we could be like a superhero team. Mine's green, so I could be… 'The Green Hawk'. Yours will be pink, so you could be 'Pinky the Brain'" Rodney lifts a finger "–no wait, you're not smart."

"Mine would be Pink?!" Sheppard frowns angrily.

"Yeah, well, they can't both be the same color…" Waving his hand as he thinks, Rodney tries out a few names, "Pink Magic… Pretty in Pink…"

"You know what," Sheppard's mouth twists into a sour expression, "forget it, McKay."

"Or…" Rodney taunts, "you could shoot me and pick your own color?"

Sheppard rolls his eyes. "I'm not going to shoot you, McKay"

"'Pink Princess Power'… you might need some tights to go with that one though." Rodney notices Sheppard's hand drift down to his holster and decides to keep going.

"'Pretty Pink Pony'… you could have a little tail… and we could braid bells into it," Rodney sneers, "so the bad guys know when you're coming."

The gun comes out; Sheppard points it at him, but still shakes his head –unsure if this is a safe idea.

"Ooo- Oh. Oh. I got it. 'Cotton Candy' It's perfect because you may not have a lot going on upstairs," Rodney smirks as he taps his temple. "but physically you can-"

Sheppard's eyes go dark and he squeezes the trigger. A bullet glances off of Rodney's thigh and he stares down in amazement.

"That. Was awesome!" Sheppard shouts. Grinning like a kid, he tells Rodney, "Still… I think I'm gonna call this thing 'Idiot Armor', since even you can make it work."

Rodney gives him a sarcastic glare, but finds himself quickly pulled back into Sheppard's fun-loving excitability. Sheppard has another idea. He wants to see if Rodney can take the fall all the way down from the tall balcony in the Gate Room. Rodney takes the challenge and follows to the upper level.

Once there, Rodney eyes the distance nervously. Leaning on the railing, he peers down.

"If you just step up a little, I can push you over the edge."

Sheppard raises his eyebrows expectantly at Rodney. His eyes are full of mischief and makes Rodney feels invincible.

"Okay, I'm ready." He tells Sheppard as he steps up.

And then he is flying over the railing. He hits the floor below and hears Sheppard's voice laughing, asking people incredulously, "Did you see that?"

"I'm fine." Rodney proclaims raising his arms, as he jumps up unharmed.

.

.


	6. It's a MYTH that size doesn't matter

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.

Looking up at Sheppard on the balcony, Rodney sees him smiling like he never has before. Rodney is grinning so hard himself that his face hurts. When it comes to Sheppard, he feels too exuberant to worry about danger the way he normally does.

But when Rodney reaches down to pull the shield off, his own hand doesn't pass through the shield. This isn't how it is supposed to work. He doesn't understand. Suddenly all his normal fears and anxieties come rushing back. He should have been more careful. He has to get this thing off of him. He wonders if Sheppard can tell how scared he is now.

Rodney attempts to drink or eat but nothing can get through the shield. He concentrates and tries to will the thing off of him. Waiting with his eyes closed, nothing happens. "I'm a dead man," he moans.

Feeling sorry for himself and wondering why no one else seems to be as concerned, Rodney mopes in the control room. Elizabeth is outlining safety precautions for the staff as they explore the city, how it is important that no one touch anything they are unfamiliar with unless it's been cleared first.

"It's very important." Rodney adds bitterly, "I mean, you never know. Even a tiny, little innocuous thing can... can kill you."

Rodney raises his hand and looks at Sheppard uneasily, "Dead man talking."

As the senior staff assesses different aspects of the massive city structure, he continues to sulk. The Command personal will each be required to memorize their own 16 digit self destruct code...

"Well, don't bother giving me one." Rodney interrupts, thinking no one is taking his situation seriously enough.

Elizabeth continues to explain how if the city is attacked, they must consider this as the last line of defense against Earth. Two codes will be required to overload the Naquadah generators.

"You sure it'll do enough damage?" Ford asks.

With a weary expression, Rodney leans over the console. "Ever see a 20-kiloton nuclear explosion?"

"I have." Sheppard sounds nonchalant.

He looks up at Sheppard in shock. Sheppard seems uncomfortable that all the eyes in the room on him now; he shifts his hands on his hips and takes a dismissive tone, "Not up close."

Rodney wonders, not for the first time, what Sheppard's story is, what he was doing before he got to McMurdo. He could easily hack into the files... Rodney has never minded using his skills that way before, but somehow with Sheppard it would feel too much of an intrusion.

.  
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* * *

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.

John is more worried about McKay than he is letting on. Elizabeth seems to think that the green thing will drop off when McKay is calm enough.

True, it doesn't make sense that the Ancients would design a personal shield to kill someone. But he is still a little concerned.

He has already asked Teyla and Ford to be a part of the team but he hasn't said anything to McKay yet. He seems to pretty freaked out right now about the shield not coming off. And it feels like McKay is just starting to relax around him again.

John doesn't want to aggravate him too much right now, once this shield thing has been sorted out, he will try to have a talk with McKay and convince him to say yes.

His mind is drawn back to the present crisis developing. They are getting reports of sightings… some kind of strange shadow-like creature on the loose.

Elizabeth thinks it is possible that a Wraith presence is projecting illusions. McKay runs some diagnostics and thinks it might be related to the wild power fluctuations the city has begun to experience.

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* * *

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Rodney feels weak but moves from his console when he sees Sheppard enter the control room.

He is so drawn to Sheppard. He can barely think straight without eating or drinking all day and night, his body drawn toward the other man automatically.

He hears Sheppard's voice talking to Elizabeth. He hears himself talking as well. But he feels so far removed and lightheaded. Not long after that, the lights flicker overhead and then everything goes black.

"McKay! You with us? McKay?" He wakes up with Sheppard peering over his face; he is curling his hand over Rodney's shoulder, shaking him through the force field.

Other faces from the control room are looking down at him as well. "Are you okay?" Sheppard asks.

"Can you stand up?" Sheppard is still has his hands over Rodney's shoulder.

Nodding, Rodney isn't quite sure, but he doesn't want to seem pathetic around Sheppard. He can stand. Sheppard helps him to his feet, then pats Rodney's back, or rather the the shield around his back.

"We're going to the infirmary." Sheppard tells Elizabeth. Then he nods at Rodney, "After you."

Rodney walks past everyone staring at him, feeling sorry for himself. As they make their way to the infirmary, Sheppard walks closer than he usually does, out of sympathy maybe for the fact that Rodney is dying.

After some tests, Rodney sits on an infirmary stool expecting to hear the worst. He must be very close to death now.

"He fainted." Carson makes his pronouncement.

"There's got to be a better word." Rodney objects.

"'Faint' is the proper medical term." Carson tells him.

"I passed out." Rodney argues. "From mainly hunger."

Sheppard sounds amused, "Well, hang in there."

Rodney blinks to himself feeling stupid.

He hears Sheppard radio with Elizabeth, "Dr. Weir, this is Sheppard. Ah, McKay's okay. He... He fainted." Sheppard makes a taunting face at Rodney.

"Oh, yeah," Rodney yells after Sheppard as leaves the room "it's very sympathetic. Let's all mock the dying man!"

Despite his glum condition, Rodney returns to the control room and dispenses some advice about the creature that seems to be drawn toward energy sources. Waving an uneaten Powerbar he has been clutching, Rodney tells the room, "If this thing feeds on energy we could be in big trouble. And when I say 'we', I mean 'you' because I won't actually be around for much longer."

Rodney bravely forges on, going with John to investigate the anomalous energy readings in another section of the city. A transporter box takes them to a room where he finds the containment vessel once used to trap the energy creature. He concludes that the Ancients captured the being for research purposes, probably to study Ascension.

When Sheppard asks what Ascension is, Rodney can't believe how little this guy knows about the Ancients. He explains with some exasperation.

"Well, at some point during their evolution, the Ancients reached an, uh, advanced stage of being where they were able to rid themselves of their physical bodies and rise to a higher plane of existence, one in which they live as pure energy."

Upon studying the device, it turns out to be much simpler than he thought. Telling Sheppard and Elizabeth, "It's kind of like a mousetrap." He shows how the device emits an energy signature that attracts the creature.

"The only downside," He explains, "is it looks like someone's actually going to have to be here to press the buttons."

"I'll do it." Sheppard volunteers.

"Okay." Rodney agrees and turns to go.

Elizabeth stops Rodney and suggests that he would be a better volunteer for the job due to the protection of the personal shield.

At that moment the shield suddenly detaches from Rodney's chest.  
He catches it before it falls to the floor. God, he is so hungry, he rips the wrapper off of the Powerbar he's been carrying around and bites in enthusiastically.

Sheppard narrows his eyes.

Elizabeth gives him a dismissive look, "I had a feeling".

"What do you mean? Had a feeling about what?" he mumbles with a mouthful of food.

Then he realizes what Elizabeth is implying and walks back over to her. "What, you think I wanted it to come off just now? You think I'm scared? I'm not scared. I'll stay. I'll do this"

"No, that's okay," Sheppard gives Rodney a mocking look, "-you might faint again".

He flounders, "Look, it's just not working anymore that's al- look" Reaching out to Sheppard, he presses the device to his chest "See, it doesn't work on you either"

Rodney is so thirsty now he needs something to help him swallow the food.

"I just meant that it wasn't going to let you die," Elizabeth takes a diplomatic tone.

"It is just a coincidence that it happened to stop working now." Rodney objects. "God I need a drink!"

"Go." Sheppard gives him leave.

He quickly avails himself of some much needed food and drink. When he returns to the control room Rodney bites into food wrap he stole from the kitchen.

With a mouthful of fresh food, he asks Elizabeth if she is ready to turn the off power, so Sheppard can capture the thing. She gives the go ahead and the control room shuts down power in the city. Rodney chews and waits.

"It's coming." Sheppard speaks into the com.

Rodney looks at Elizabeth in anticipation.

"I think we're going to need a bigger boat." Sheppard speaks into his headset.

"Size doesn't matter". Rodney replies.

"That's a MYTH" Sheppard quips.

Jesus. Rodney nearly chokes on the food in his throat but maintains his composure. "It'll FIT."

He quickly continues on with a scientific explanation to make his remark seem as innocuous as he intended.

"The device traps the creature in subspace. You just need to be sure it gets all the way inside the containment vessel."

So unfair that Sheppard can get away with an obvious innuendo like that and nobody bats an eye.

Was that remark directed at him?

Was Sheppard trying to remind him of how huge his cock was? That he had taken Rodney with it? He somehow feels dominated all over again, at the Major's mercy.

Well, it had fit - just barely though. Rodney feels empty and hopes his reply had sounded... 'All the way inside'?

He hadn't really thought it through. Probably best left that way. The Major was just being... well, the Major. Rodney thinks he did a good enough job of sounding like the oblivious scientist. If Sheppard was trying to get a rise out of him, it appeared he had failed.

From the outside, at least.

But the creature doesn't go for the ploy. It must be smarter than he thought. They try rigging up a Naquadah generator to MALP, to get the creature to follow it into a wormhole, but that doesn't work either.

It hovers just at the entrance to the Stargate. The MALP must have lost power before it made it though.

"It could be feeding off the generator or off the Stargate." Rodney tells them, "I mean, this is a disaster."

He tries to shut the gate off but the controls are dead. Glancing at Sheppard, he suddenly feels the need to prove he is strong enough, not afraid. He grabs the shield device out of his pocket and wills it back on.

His stomach is sick with dread but he backs away from the group, quickly walking down the stairs and toward the creature before he changes his mind. He hopes to God this shield will really protect him.

.  
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* * *

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John is alarmed when he sees McKay making his way down the stairs. What is he doing? He doesn't need to do this to prove himself. He's not a soldier...

"McKay?" he yells jumping to action to try to stop him.

It is too late. McKay already immersed in the darkness. John's chest rises and falls sharply as he stands at the edge of the dark void. McKay...

Wait. The creature seems to be finally moving, retreating and disappearing through the open wormhole. When it is gone, McKay is lying on the ground next to the MALP. The Naquadah generator is gone too; McKay must have thrown it through the wormhole.

John runs down the rest of the stairs and drops to the ground next to him. He is unsure of how to touch him. When John had touched his arm earlier, there had been the barrier of the shield between them. He hasn't actually touched McKay since...

Well, before today, John hasn't really touched McKay since John pulled out of him, that night in shower. It's too much. He shouldn't be touching McKay at all.

But John pushes the thoughts aside and reaches tentatively for him anyway. He touches lightly just above McKay's wrist. Gently, just to let him know that he is here.

Then John pulls back for a moment, surprised that the momentary contact has made him flush with warmth. He reaches back to grasp the arm more firmly, feeling anxious as the rest of the team arrives to stand around McKay's body. Is he unconscious? Lifeless?

Running his fingers softly up the inside of McKay's jacket arm, John uses his other hand to activate his com link, "Medical team to the Gate Room!"

Next to him Elizabeth is talking, "He's breathing"

Eyes wide with adrenaline, John looks up at her in relief. He is still touching McKay, willing him to be better.

And then, McKay wakes up.

Elizabeth rests her hand protectively on his chest. "McKay?"

"What happened?" McKay asks.

"You did it." Elizabeth smiles proudly.

"I did?"

"It went through the gate." Elizabeth reassures him.

John pulls his own hand away and smirks, "You must have passed out"

"Well," McKay smiles, "thanks for not saying the other thing."

Yeah. He is going to be just fine. Despite whatever fears McKay may have, he can actually be quite brave... for a scientist. In fact, McKay is going to make a fine member of the team, -just as soon as John tells him.

.  
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	7. You can call me John when we're off duty

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Rodney continues to feel perplexed by how often Sheppard seeks him out. Sheppard obviously isn't interested in Rodney sexually anymore or else he would be coming for him a different way. Sheppard usually just takes what he wants. But Rodney is happy for the attention in any form.

He hasn't had a lot of friends in his life, and isn't used to people trying to spend time with him. Skipping so many grades made him a target for bullies. So, Rodney had learned use his words to cut his attackers and get them to back off.

He had retreated into his own mental world of math and physics. And it had stayed the same throughout college and his professional life; Rodney kept mostly to himself.

No one really bullied him after high school, but he always felt the need to defend himself. Not that anyone really noticed him; mostly he seemed invisible.

The only way Rodney knew how to get attention romantically or otherwise was to push himself to the other extreme, coming on way too strong and overbearing. Almost always, he was rejected, but occasionally it had worked.

Rodney wonders if he and Sheppard are friends now. It has almost felt that way the few weeks. The two of them have been exploring some of the unknown sections of the city at night. It has been fun, kind of scary and thrilling. He is glad Sheppard has a gun with him, just in case. So far, there have been no monsters, just old labs and equipment.

Tonight, Rodney doesn't wait for Sheppard to come to the lab; he leaves early and goes to find Sheppard in the control room. Sheppard looks up as he approaches, his face has that slightly amused expression.

"Ah," Sheppard turns to Elizabeth, "we're going to... go check some stuff out."

Elizabeth looks to Rodney and back to Sheppard, "Let me know what you find."

"Will do." Sheppard stretches up from his seat.

When they get to the transporter, Sheppard points playfully to the map on the controls, "Which way should we go?"

Rodney randomly selects a section with his finger and the doors close. When they open again it is very dark. Rodney waits for his eyes to adjust. But Sheppard makes his way out into the hall. His long gun has a small light on it that beams into the darkness.

And then the lights start to flicker on, not too bright at first; just enough make their way down the corridor. Sheppard lowers his gun and starts to move briskly.

"I don't see what the big rush is, this stuff had been here for thousands of years..." Rodney yells after him.

"Major?" Rodney calls out as he tries to keep up.

Sheppard stops and saunters back to Rodney. Rodney has to stop himself abruptly so as not to run into him. He comes to a standstill about a foot away.

There is an unreadable expression on Sheppard's face as he looks at Rodney, "You know, you don't have to call me Major when we're off duty."

Out of breath and trying to seem unfazed, he meets Sheppard's stare. It reminds Rodney of the way Sheppard looked the night he took Rodney from the front. As Sheppard's eyes meet his with a silent intensity, Rodney remembers the feeling of his hands, his fingers slowly working him open, twisting up into him as Sheppard readied him to take his cock.

"John." Sheppard's mouth curves into a small side smile as he speaks.

Rodney swallows. So, he is allowed to call him John now?

His mouth feels dry, he opens it to speak, but nothing comes out for a moment. He is transfixed under Sheppard's gaze. Oh. He feels flutters in his chest the way he did that night Sheppard had held Rodney's legs over his shoulders and fucked him slow, folding his body over Rodney's and watching his face to learn what Rodney liked while he moved inside him...

Finally he finds his voice, "Uh, okay... John."

It feels strange saying his name like that. He blinks, offering his first name in return, "Rodney."

This is so weird; it is like they are introducing themselves again, and he feels so nervous.

"Okay..." Sheppard's smile widens, "Rodney. Let's go."

He gestures and Rodney follows. He follows... John.

They find a lab that looks interesting and Sheppard fiddles with some of the controls even though Rodney told him not to.

"Look, don't touch that... you never know."

"You're touching things." Sheppard is flippant.

"Well, I'm qualified." Rodney purses his lips, "and you should just wait for me to- "

He stops speaking as Sheppard leans close in over his shoulder to look at a screen. Losing his train of thought, Rodney trials off, "Just..."

As he moves hands over the controls, he can feel Sheppard's eyes on him. Rodney feels his skin flush with warmth and he looks up at Sheppard from the corner of his eye. Sheppard has that affable smile he often does. Where was he?... Rodney looks back down the controls.

"You know," Sheppard's lazy voice comes from behind him, "I was thinking... Just a thought, here. But you might want to consider coming out with us in the field."

"Hmm. No thanks." Rodney frowns at the screen.

"So, that's your answer?" Sheppard turns around next to Rodney, leaning his back on the console.

"Answer to what?" Rodney looks up at him.

"I'm trying to ask you to be on my team." Sheppard sounds exasperated.

Is he serious? Rodney gives his full attention now. Confused, he blinks a few times, staring again.

"Okaaay... So, now I'm supposed to go out in the field too? Risk my life at every opportunity?"

"C'mon McK- Rodney," Sheppard lowers his head in a mischievous way, "It'll be fun -finding all kinds of new Ancienty devices-"

"Ancienty," Rodney cut him off sarcastically.

"It's a word." Sheppard gives him his best smile, head tilted down, eyes looking up with those dark lashes.

And Rodney loses the will to argue. Whatever fear he feels is overcome by a crushing sense of pride that Shep-John has chosen him. He can't say no to John.

"Okay," he blurts out.

"Is that a yes?" John tilts his head looking pleased.

"Okay... Yes." Rodney nods with more clarity.

Then John flashes Rodney a smile that he could almost mistake for being flirtatious.

.  
.

After a sudden rush of air, Rodney is inside the cockpit with everyone else. Ford must have succeeded in getting the Jumper through the wormhole all the way -they can't have been in pattern buffer long.

Rodney turns to see Teyla pull herself out from under John's lifeless body.

Oh, God... he looks so crumpled like that. Rodney's stomach drops. Oh, no-no-no-no. He knew this was a bad idea.

At least they got rid of huge bug thing that was sucking the life out John. They had tried everything, even firing a gun into it, but it had just kept regenerating itself. Teyla says it was related to Wraith somehow.

They had stopped his heart to get it to let go of his neck. It had worked, but they hadn't been able to bring him back.

Ford steps in from the back of the Jumper; at least he is alive. They are all alive... Just not John. Rodney is jittery, moving towards John's body where it lies motionless.

Biting on his thumb, Rodney rocks his chest slightly in apprehension. The ship lifts into the Jumper bay where a medical team is standing by. He can see John's lean, lifeless chest, with the dog tags hanging to the side.

He remembers seeing those dog tags… falling so perfectly from John's long chest when John had fucked him…

They aren't going fast enough! John is just lying there. Rodney feels no elation at getting the Jumper or himself back safely. It's all empty, just a deep dread about John's condition as he watches the medical team try to revive him. All he can do is stand by, helpless, and feeling far worse than anything he thought possible after this day's misadventure.

Carson jolts John's chest with the paddles. Nothing. The heart rate stays flat.

"Again." Carson makes another try.

Nothing is happening.

Someone lifts a respirator over John's mouth and pumps air in.

Rodney hears the flat tone of the machine. It is supposed to be beeping with the sound of a heartbeat.

He watches as Carson leans over with a stethoscope. That isn't going to do anything. Help him. God.

The tone of the monitor shifts. A blip, and then another. Then it goes flat again. No, no, no, no.

Carson preps the paddles a third time.

"Well done, Rodney." Elizabeth says to him; he had barely noticed she was here.

"We'll see." Rodney's tone is bitter as he watches John in desperation.

The machine beeps again. Oh good, good, it is still beeping.

"We've got a pulse." Carson confirms.

The sounds keeps ticking, it stays steady. Rodney holds his breath.

"Getting stronger... He's going to be okay". Carson sounds confident.

Okay, okay. Rodney still can't stop holding his breath. He has to walk out of the Jumper to get his bearings.

His hand pulls back across his brow and over his hair. He paces back and forth, in and around the hanger bay. He isn't used to being this affected by someone.

He still has that empty feeling in his stomach. Like he has lost something… Like he's lost his friend. He's not very good at this; Rodney hasn't had a lot of friends.

Then he walks back into the Jumper, shifting his feet nervously as he looks at John's face and chest. So achingly beautiful, John looks so peaceful and beautiful.

Fuck. Rodney has to leave. It's too much. He walks back out of the hanger to be alone. He has to get back on solid ground.

Making his way to his quarters, Rodney tries not to think about John. After he takes a shower and changes out of his uniform, Rodney starts to feel like himself again. He heads down to see John in the infirmary. They should have covered his chest with something by now.

He sees Ford, Elizabeth, and Teyla are already there. And John is shamelessly flirting with the blonde nurse attending his neck wound. Flirting seems like second nature to Sheppard. Maybe that's just how he is with everyone...

Typical.

Doesn't matter, Rodney is just happy he's alive. And happy isn't something Rodney feels too often, it's nice.

Before Rodney leaves, John looks up at him with sincere gratitude, "Thank you... again" There is no disaffected, affable haze. He means it.

John doesn't blame him for his bout of cowardice earlier in the Jumper. He doesn't think Rodney is liability. John's just glad they got out the mess.

As he leaves the infirmary, Rodney's happiness soars and he swells with contentment. Again, something he doesn't feel too often.

.  
.


	8. Flirtatious flying lesson

.  
.

It's been 98 days now since Rodney first met John Sheppard. Everything had changed since then. The only time they have really been apart was when John changed his mind about coming to Pegasus and went back to McMurdo for 5 days.

Rodney always knows exact figures. Numbers come easily for him. He normally just knows things like this. It isn't because of John or anything. He knows lots of numbers off hand. Like, well... It doesn't matter.

Rodney just thinks it's weird that they've become so close over these last 98 days. His life before John Sheppard seems distant, unimaginable now. Sometimes they hang out with the rest of the team, but a lot of nights, it is just the two of them, looking for mischief.

They explore little sections of the huge city. They walk out along the ocean on the piers. They tease and make each other laugh. John is one of the only people Rodney has ever known who rebuffs his sarcasm and arrogance as if they were barriers that didn't exist. Rodney feels too transparent with him, John always seems know how to banter back and hit a nerve. So infuriating. But a lot of fun.

He tries to put the rest of it out of his mind. Not to let himself stand too close. But John doesn't seem to have that problem with personal space. He is always waltzing right up to Rodney in his amiable, lazy manner.

Up close, too close. Rodney starts to feel things he shouldn't when John stands too close. Maybe it is just another way for John to try to taunt him. Rodney does his best to seem unbothered, but if he is honest with himself, John always seems to have the upper hand, by just a little bit.

Rodney smiles to himself and turns his attention back to the diagnostic he is running in the Jumper bay with some guy… What's his name? Zelenka, Radek Zelenka –what a mouthful. Rodney spots command subroutine he hasn't seen before. Then he hears a noise and looks up to see a roof panel open to the sky.

Lifting his head back to stare, Rodney gapes, "I had no idea the roof could do that." Oh, he has got show this to John, he will love this.

Rodney radios right away to tell him what he found. John sounds excited and tells Rodney he will be by to check it out as soon as he is finished up with something. He waits in the hanger, buzzing with barely contained excitement.

"Rodney." John comes in with Ford and smiles at him.

John and Ford walk briskly into one of the shuttles. Rodney trails behind and then realizes that Ford is sitting in the copilot seat.

Oh. He swallows his disappointment. He had thought maybe John would take him since... Oh well, it doesn't matter. He finds something else to work on.

When the two of them get back, Rodney is annoyed to hear they found a whole continent on the planet.

"It's huge." Ford brags.

"Define huge." Rodney thinks about something he shouldn't for a minute.

"15 million square miles..." John answers, "Well, give or take."

Rodney takes a place on the opposite side of the briefing table and fumbles with his fingers on the surface. He tries to hide the fact that he feels left out.

John tells them it is only a 25 minute trip. He points a finger, "And, I saw some sweet breakers on the South tip. There may be surfing in our future."

Rodney tries to smile. That is probably another trip John won't invite him on. He has never been very athletic. Bet Ford can probably surf.

He turns his mind to more practical matters like the possibility of food production. Now that the Athosians want to move to the mainland, it might be a beneficial arrangement for the both of them.

.  
.

Great, John has some cracked idea to capture a Wraith that will probably get him killed. Rodney is starting to regret joining this 'team', but follows the others to the armory.

He rubs his palms together nervously standing next to John, who is wearing one of those long black T- shirts that hug his lean body so well.

Oh God, he is standing so close. John never seems to have the slightest problem assuming intimacy with Rodney's personal space.

It's just good that Rodney knows now it doesn't mean anything. John just likes toying with people. Rodney creases his brows together and tries to concentrate on the task at hand.

"You seem nervous," John looks at him intently.

Fuck. "No." He quickly adds, "I'm a part of this team. I'm doing this." Rodney stares straight ahead.

Still staring at his face John adds coolly, "Yes, you are."

Rodney turns to look at John but then John turns away from his gaze.

"I just said you seemed nervous," John adds.

With John looking away, Rodney shifts his gaze straight ahead again.

"Oh, really?" Rodney quips with a little bite to his tone, "I thought you said 'Rodney you don't have to do this'." He adds a little side glare in case John didn't catch his tone.

Good, Rodney just sounds like he is having nerves about the mission, not anything else like sexual tension... John is just trying to get under his skin -and like always, he manages to.

"Yes, you do." John smiles up at him blithely.

"Damn right I'm doing this." Rodney says defiantly, "Despite the fact that feeling hasn't completely returned to my extremities."

He hopes reminding John of how he almost got taken as prey when one of those Wraith stunners hit him on the last trip out. He hopes it will make him feel just a little bit guilty.

No way to ever tell with that impassive face.

Rodney tries to calm himself with the fact that at least the Wraith use non-lethal weapons to stun their prey rather than kill them. All the better to eat them with later that way.

By the time they are suited up and ready to head out John is dressed looking like the regular Major. Still sexy very though...

On the planet, John has Rodney team up with him. Is it to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't fuck anything up?

Rodney crouches against John feeling almost like real soldier until the Wraith show up. Not much of a soldier after all. Too bad all the energy got drained from his personal shield device. He can't stop staring at his gun and wondering if he's going to be able to stand up and shoot.

"You still seem nervous." John leans into him, this time there is no teasing in his voice, it sounds gentle.

"No, it's good- it's good," Rodney sputters out too quickly "- I'm all good. All good." His eyes are downcast and he tries to say something else but his mouth just moves wordlessly. God he feels pathetic.

John turns around, trying to get a look at the enemy, then signals Teyla. The explosions don't seem to take as many of them out as they'd hoped.

When John stands to start shooting, Rodney finds his body mirroring John's movements and he is squeezing the trigger too. The combined fire takes most of them down. Teyla chases one into the woods.

John moves to the last one standing in the clearing, "This one's ours boys!"

Rodney moves without thinking, joining John in the clearing and firing his Taser so they can take it captive as planned. The Wraith looks unconscious but he seems to have had time to activate a self-destruct. Suddenly everyone is running for shelter as fast as they can.

He lies in the grass, choking on dust when he hears the Major's voice nearby, "You okay?"

"I'm fine, Rodney answers as he stiffly rolls onto his back, trying to breathe and sound relaxed, "I'm fine. This is... This is fun for me."

The Major jumps up easily and runs off after Teyla to help capture the Wraith. By the time Rodney is getting himself up off the ground Teyla and John have managed to bring the remaining Wraith to the gate as a prisoner. As they all head back to Atlantis, Rodney is thankful it is over and he didn't embarrass himself too badly this time.

.  
.

Lately, John has been too obsessed interrogating his Wraith prisoner to make their evening card games. Rodney doesn't understand why John is spending so much time with the Wraith. It's not like it's going to break and talk. And it isn't going anywhere from behind that strong Ancient holding cell.

Without John, the 3 of them decide to play Rummy instead. Rodney prefers playing Spades, partnering up with John against Teyla and Ford.

Teyla, of course, insists on popcorn, which she has become addicted to, even though that is more of a movie tradition. But Rodney decides he is too listless to play the game. He makes an excuse and calls it an early night.

On the way back to his quarters, John catches up to him. He has brought Rodney an extra sandwich. Brightening, Rodney eagerly agrees to head down for some exploring on the East pier.

They search a number of rooms that night, and return eventually to one of the more interesting ones to eat their sandwiches. They were here once before, when John asked him to join the team.

Everything springs to life as soon as they enter. It is quite an impressive layout, with several unusual looking ancient consoles and huge view screens. Rodney sits in one of the chairs examining a large screen with a map on it.

He takes a bite of the sandwich. Oh that is really good. He mumbles to John, "It must be some kind of geological facility, look this map must represent the Lantean mainland."

He feels John leaning in close behind him. "Cool." He tells Rodney.

Then a warm hand drops onto his shoulder, Rodney gets goose bumps as John peers at the screen with him. He decides that as much as he hates the way John intrudes into his personal space, he loves just a little bit it more.

.  
.

Over the next few weeks, Rodney doesn't see John as much he would like. John's still busy with his Wraith prisoner. But rather than waiting for John to come to him, Rodney finds himself venturing out of his lab to seek John out whenever possible.

John has agreed to give Rodney a flying lesson and this afternoon, Rodney is going to take him up on it. He finds John down in the makeshift shooting range that the military has set up and waits for him to empty his clip.

If John could hear him, Rodney would make some sarcastic remark, about how hard it must be to make holes through a piece of paper. But he has to admit, John is a really good shot. John steps away and takes off his ear-set.

The way he smiles when he turns and sees Rodney, makes Rodney's skin tingle. He saunters up close, just a little too close. Rodney's own smile is less warm.

He blinks nervously at John, trying to hide whatever he is feeling, "Uh, hi."

"Hi." John is easygoing and unreadable.

"Ah, I was just hoping," Rodney presses his palms together nervously, "if you had time, maybe, uh, I could take you up that flying lesson?"

"Let's go." John lifts his hands in bemusement and lifts his brows.

Right. Okay. That was easy. John likes the fly so this should be-.

"This way." John taps Rodney on the shoulder as he walks ahead.

Rodney knows the way to the Jumper bay. Why does John always have to walk too fast? He follows John into Jumper. John takes the copilot seat and Rodney takes the pilot's chair.

"Okay, now what?" He is a little out of breath.

"Turn it on." John drawls.

Right, right. With his mind. Rodney feels the systems coming to life, seeing the lights flickering on. He lifts his hand uncertainly over the panels on the console. John gets up off his seat and crouches next to him.

"You want hold on here, and don't let go." John reaches his hand down, almost under the panel and points to where the joysticks are located.

He has seen John fly before, he should have remembered. Rodney grips it in his palm.

Then John reaches down and closes his hand over Rodney's. Oh. There are flutters in his chest and lower, in his cock. God. As John presses his fingers down and Rodney feels there the buttons on the joystick.

"Here." John explains, "And here... You're going to want to... do this." He tilts the joystick showing Rodney the kind of motion he is going to want to make. His hand is warm and dry.

"Okay." Rodney squeaks out.

"Keep holding on and..." John moves back to his seat and retracts the ceiling panel, "Now lift it with your mind."

The Jumper quivers and moves shakily upwards. Not smooth and clean the way John does.

"Good start." John tells him, "Just try to keep it steady. Think in your mind about where you want it to go."

It shoots up quickly, too quickly. Had Rodney been thinking about space? They almost hit the side of a building on the way out.

"Whoa." John stops him, "Just hold it here for a minute."

Can he do that? Yes... Yes, the Jumper is coming to a halt.

John pulls up a screen of the mainland on the front window, "How about we head here and do some slow flying over the mainland?"

Rodney puzzles at the image, "I don't know where that-"

"Just think about it." John gestures with relaxed wrist.

Looking at the image first, Rodney closes his eyes trying to concentrate; he can feel something happening. When he opens his eyes the Jumper is moving again.

"Okay," John looks at the screen, "not exactly on course, but in the general direction. That's what we want to see."

Rodney glances over to the handsome pilot next to him.

John smiles. John has a lot of different smiles. Most of the time they are some variation on some sort of bemusement. He seems flirty and assessable but still so detached, unreadable. It's like nothing can reach him, least of all Rodney.

But Rodney smiles back, he feels like he is starting to get the hang of this thing when the radio crackles. The Control Room is calling them back.

"Rain check." John promises Rodney before he takes over and flies the Jumper easily back into the hanger bay.

Disappointed, Rodney doesn't give up, he is able to get a few flying lessons in over the next couple weeks. Other evenings he makes his way through the empty city alone. He stays in the areas that have already been cleared, just to be safe. It is downright spooky out here.

He stumbles back over the geologic lab that he and John found before. The room whirrs and comes to life as Rodney enters. Rodney runs his hands over the controls and flips through some of the different subroutines.

Strange, this thing doesn't have any real geological data. It is more of an interface for... What is this? Rodney enters in some data sets and blinks at the outcome. This thing almost seems like a game of some kind. John likes games.

Rodney stares at the screen in excitement, "Sweet!"

.  
.


	9. Let the games begin!

.  
.

"McKaaay!", Speaking over him, John tries to cut Rodney off before any more diplomatic damage is done.

Today is one of those days where Rodney doesn't make him want to rip his hair out in frustration; today Rodney's quirks are making him feel humorous and affectionate.

This second day spent on Hoff is proving to be just as dull as the first. It was supposed to be a promising world in terms of technology, at least in this neck of the woods. But as the Chancellor gives John's team a never-ending tour of his nation's 'advances', it seems diplomacy and handshaking is the only thing they can accomplish here.

That is, until the leader of the Hoffan people mentions 'a viable defense' against the Wraith that they are working on.

"Defense?" John asks, his ears pricking up. "Really?"

Rodney walks up behind John in the enclosed space. His front shoulder makes contact with John's back and stays there.

John notes with some happiness, that in the months since Antarctica, Rodney has become far less skittish around him. He might be comfortable being this close to Rodney, but Rodney never ventures into John's proximity like this. And Rodney seems so completely at ease right now.

Focus, John.

"We've been here two days before you mention that?" John asks

"I had to learn that you could be trusted." The Chancellor confides. He goes on to explain that his people are hoping this 'weapon' will protect them from the next Wraith culling, which is expected in 50 years or so.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"50 years you say?" Rodney winces and gives John an accusatory look.

John's eyes grow; he presses his lips together tightly before licking them and taking a breath. Yeah. And John just woke them up early.

Rodney takes a mental note that John always seems to press his lips together when something is bothering him.

Suddenly he is aware that their bodies are actually touching, that he can feel the heat between them. And now he is staring at John's lips. They look full, too perfectly bowed -not like his own unremarkable lips.

He still wishes John had given him the chance to kiss those lips, at least once... Rodney wants to know if they feel as good as they look.

"How about that weapon?" John's voice brings him to reality.

"Yes, yes" the Chancellor beckons "If you'll just come this way."

The weapon turns out to be a drug, an intended vaccine against the Wraith. When Carson tests it, he is brimming with excitement over its potential. He convinces Atlantis they should use the captured Wraith for experimentation and perfection of the drug.

Rodney is hurt when John doesn't even ask him to accompany the rest of them on the trip back to Hoff with the Wraith prisoner. He tries not to take it personally that he is the only member of the team that is grounded.

Days go by, and Rodney preoccupies himself with working on the game, learning how it works.

Then Atlantis receives a communication about a dire turn of events. The vaccine worked -it not only immunizes but kills the feeding host as well. Only, people are dying by the hundreds of thousands, about 50% of the population is dying form the vaccine.

After Hoff heard the Wraith were reawaking ahead of schedule, they pushed forward in desperation, disregarding Carson's precautions about limited human trails and inoculating the entire civilization.

Now there is nothing they can do really except help dispose of the dead. Rodney joins the rest of the team on Hoff to help with the medical emergency. When he arrives, it is a grim scene. No one really acknowledges him; they all look too sickened by the consequences of this alliance.

John in particular, has a haunted expression in his eyes. Rodney knows him well enough to realize he is blaming himself for this. Maybe Rodney can cheer him up when they get back, show him the game.

For the next few days, John manages to avoid all of them after work. John eyes seem faraway and less amused than usual. He certainly isn't going to be coming by the lab like he used to, so Rodney decides to take matters into his own hands.

That night he joins John for dinner while he is sitting at one of the long benches in the cafeteria. John barely acknowledges him and keeps eating. Rodney talks nervously, filling in the gaps. He is apt to do that when he is nervous. Nothing he is saying is important and John doesn't seem interested. Rodney swallows a bite and watches John.

"What?" John feels him staring and looks up.

"Oh." Rodney starts, "Um, I have something I want to show you... In one of the labs."

John lowers his head and keeps eating.

"It's a game." Rodney offers, "I think it's an Ancient game room"

"What kind of a game?" John looks back up slyly.

"I think it's a, kind of a..." Rodney snaps his fingers in excitement, "'Risk' and 'Settlers of Catan' combination." He looks at John questioning, "You know those board games?"

A smile is tweaking at one side of John's mouth as he nods.

"Well, I think, it's kind of like that, but more complicated." Rodney adds.

John lifts his nearly empty tray off the bench and stands up.

Rodney wolfs down another quick bite or two and follows suit.

They get their laptops first and some cords to help interface the machines, then Rodney takes John down to the game room.

He shows John the map again, explaining, "Two societies separated by a river straight down the middle. Each with their own resources and talents."

Rodney reveals the many features and facets he has found for these fictional civilizations. The variables they can input to this simulated world are almost infinite.

He types into one side of the two opposing consoles, "Yeah, what you do is, you take these countries that are already in the database and assume control of them. You can control everything, proper sanitation systems, water delivery..."

"Transportation, warfare..." John starts typing into his side, getting into the swing of things.

"I mean every detail can be manipulated." Rodney moves his finger over the board, "I mean right down to the women's hairstyles."

Selecting a blonde short spiky hairdo that looks like Samantha Carter, He smiles and speaks to the image on the screen with approval, "Hello there."

John stands up and peers over Rodney's shoulder, "Blonde, huh?"

"Yeah, I have a thing for blondes with short hair..." Rodney admits, "You know, like Samantha Carter."

He forgets for a moment that John hasn't met Colonel Samantha Carter, then offers another explanation, "Only the brightest physicist in the SGC, after myself, of course."

"Of course." John nods, "So, you and this Samantha Carter, dated then?"

"No..." Rodney tilts his head thinking, "We didn't exactly. Well, no... There was a kiss on the cheek, perhaps."

He turns in his chair to look at John. John has his eyebrows raised humorously. Rodney folds his arms over his chest, "No, but, okay... I dated Teresa Geldar, and she's the one I named my country, Geldar, after."

"Geldar huh? Blonde?" John smirks.

"Yes." Rodney looks at him evenly.

John squints one of his eyes in thought, "Mmm. So when you say, dated...?"

"We were an item... for a time." Rodney purses his lips.

John looks dubious and Rodney keeps talking because that's what he does when he is nervous, "Technically, it was only two dates. But I spent a lot of time with her after that, too. We would talk when I saw her in the library or when I would go to the coffee shop where she worked. I think we had quite a connection."

"So... You were stalking her?" John lowers his chin in jest.

"It wasn't stalking." Rodney sighs in exasperation, "She technically agreed to both of those dates, so..."

Embarrassed, Rodney types into his laptop to change the screen.

"Whoa." John sees one of the images Rodney is flipping through, "What was that?"

"Oh. You like that?" Rodney flips back to an earlier page, "It's my new flag. For Geldar. I designed it myself."

John's eyes are wide for a moment as he takes in the pixilated mug of Rodney's proud-looking face.

Rodney is startled by the sudden sound of laughter behind him. He spins around to see John pointing with one hand and clutching at his side with the other.

He glares in fury but John keeps looking at the screen and laughing, "I'm sorry. Oh. That's just... quite possibly..."

John inhales to stop a laugh, "The dorkiest thing. I've ever seen."

"Oh." John looks at the image and laughs more deeply, "That face you're making."

"It's. My. Face." Rodney is glaring so hard he can barely see John through his eyelids.

"Oh. Oh..." John snickers with his fist on his brow. "McKay. You slay me."

He had thought it looked pretty good; Rodney looks at the flag again.

John is biting his lips and trying to stop himself from laughing.

"Well... Then, what are you going to use?" Rodney asks indignantly.

"I think I'll just go with whatever's in there already." John waves his hand back toward his side of the game.

Rodney stews, silently plotting. At least John seems like he cheered up a bit, even if Rodney is the butt of the joke. But he will make John pay for mocking him. Geldar will have its revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge.

.  
.


	10. John so has an inner dork

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.

After a unexpected breakthrough -finding a planet capable of powering a return trip home- Rodney is happy to be back from a galaxy where danger lurks around every corner. He returns from his debriefing at the SGC, eager to be get home to his apartment.

In the low light, he notices that his message machine is not blinking.  
He presses the button anyway. It announces, "You have no new messages."

"Huh, must've been a...power failure or something," he answers out loud. Or could it be that his absence wasn't even missed? Much more probable. He sighs softly.

With another exhale, he reaches for his remote, settles himself into the comfortable couch, and turns on the TV. This is good he thinks, I don't need anyone - I never have, and I don't now.

His self-talk is not working; he can feel the emptiness in his chest. Over the last 6 months, he can't remember having any down time without one of his team members present.

Usually John. Why does it always come back to John? God. Why can't a nice, attractive woman come into the picture? That would be a healthy distraction. He should really find someone…

There is a knock at the door, interrupting his thoughts and snack munching. It's his neighbor, the girl who said she would watch his cat for him even though she thought he was a jerk.

Not knowing what to expect. Rodney offers a meek, "Hi."

The conversation goes surprisingly really well. In fact, she says she missed him and wants to see him later tonight. 'To catch up', whatever that means.

Rodney happily agrees and returns to his snacks feeling much more relaxed and less lonely than before. While watching one of his favorite 'Twilight Zone' episodes, he drifts off into a light nap.

A knocking on the door wakes him up. Is it his neighbor Stephanie again? Disoriented Rodney calls out "Hang on" as he stumbles off the couch to open the door.

It's Elizabeth. Embarrassed, Rodney is suddenly aware than he is wearing only his 'I'm With Genius' T-shirt and some underwear.

In a rush to get his pants on over his boxers, he explains to her that he has a date with the neighbor who is watching his cat -Apparently missed him.

Elizabeth cuts Rodney off to tell him that there has been an accident with the spaceship Prometheus, the one that is supposed to be their return ride back to Atlantis.

He mentally scraps the idea of a date with his neighbor, and returns to the SGC to find a solution. The idea of not returning home... Rodney stops. Since when has Atlantis become home?

Okay well, the idea of not returning to Atlantis, actually sounds unbearable. He may not feel comfortable with all the Wraith around but he feels safe in a different way there, a way he has never felt before and doesn't want to lose.

Maybe it's the feeling that he matters, or at least matters to some people there. It is different from the isolated world Rodney has always lived in. 'Rodney the scientist' on Earth, well, no matter how brilliant his work, no one seemed to care about him.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John arrives at 'his' house with Teyla, smiling because it is a house full of things he never had but wished he did at some point.

"Just like I left it," he speaks out loud, waiting for the wizard to come out from behind the curtain.

Nothing seems to happen so he prompts Telya to follow him, assuming that some beer will magically appear in fridge under the bar.

"Perfect," he proclaims pulling two out and handing one to her. Teyla is asking him about his house and he decides to play along with this charade until he can get to the bottom of it. When she mentions something about his friends and the doorbell rings.

At the door, he is greeted by two familiar faces, Mitch and Dex. He tries to smile but he is confused and horrified.

The men at the door are his friends all right, the only kind he seems to have, dead ones. They pepper him with friendly questions but John can only stand there numbly gaping in the doorway.

He knows none of this is real but it hurts deep down below the walls he has built up to protect himself. It's a painful reminder of how alone he is and that he ultimately has failed everyone that ever meant anything to him.

"So you so going to invite us in or what?"

The question makes it through the fog in his mind. John jumps to sound casual, "Yeah, sure. What the hell?"

As he shuts the door behind them, John fights for composure, trying to remind himself that this is a military situation. He has to get control of his emotions to properly assess the threat level.

The smile on his face is weak and faltering like a kite wavering in the wind. His chest feels like it's on fire. And it is only the beginning.

More people from his past keep showing up, creating an impromptu party in this fake bachelor pad. His Air Force buddies take center stage telling tales about past military exploits.

He watches the scene unfold passively, feeling sick to his stomach when they toast him on his flying skills. He wonders where Ford and Rodney are and if they are holding up better than him in this tortured reality or whatever it is.

On cue, Ford rings the bell and steps through the door. But no sign of Rodney. He doesn't know if that is good or not. This might not be the real Ford, or the real Teyla for that matter.

What he wouldn't give for a little real Rodney right now… John pulls at the front of his shirt and feeling hot and claustrophobic.

The room is just filled with too many people. People who don't exist in his life. People that would only exist for a person that knew how to have friends, not an 'emotional cripple' as his ex-wife had called him.

Thank God she isn't here. He quickly tries to banish her from his mind before she appears as well. Her and the person he misses the most…

He strolls back to the crowd where his Air Force buddies are still telling war stories. He's losing patience, he does not want to think about Afghanistan again... not ever. Before he has think about losing Holland, he interjects into their timeline.

"...Then, two days later," John swallows and looks up with a bit of mock surprise, "you guys were killed outside of Kabul."

John pulls his chin up higher and lets his face fall into an impassive challenge.

"What do you mean?" Teyla asks.

"Their chopper took an RPG when it touched down for a Medevac." John tells the room. More softly he continues, "There was barely enough left to bring back for a military funeral."

Dex spits out the question, "What?!"

John raises his voice in turn, "You guys have been dead for years."

Realizing there is too much venom and pain in his voice, John drops back to a casual sounding cadence. "Now don't get me wrong, it's really nice seeing you..."

Trying to obscure the grief he is feeling, he continues pointing out the various figures from past periods of his life that don't belong. Nobody belongs here. Least of all him.

John doesn't have friends.

"Shep, I think we should take you to see a doctor." Dex replies.

Incredulous, he replies, "Oh really?"

"Yeah", Mitch pipes up, "Yeah, you're acting pretty strange."

Laughing and feeling a bit manic, Sheppard retorts, "Oh, I'm acting strange, huh?!"

He grabs his gun impulsively, looking at Mitch. 'Your not real'. John shoots him in the shoulder.

"Major!" Teyla shouts in alarm.

"You shot me!" comes the accusation.

John stands with his gun still leveled at Mitch, "You're already dead!", he shouts.

Ford tries to jump in between Sheppard and the other man "Sir, give me the-"

"I'm beginning to have my doubts about you too, Lieutenant." John turns the gun on Ford and he backs away, "I wouldn't put them to a test."

Then, with the gun still pointing at the group, he takes a swill of beer to cool his head. John grits his teeth in frustration, "Now somebody…"

Swaying his arm to freely target his audience, John bellows, "explain to me WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Suddenly Rodney is back in the SGC gate room and an alien is explaining that they have all been immersed in false realities. These aliens were the 'mist' that Rodney had mistaken for energy.

To keep the team from using their life force as a power source to dial Earth, the aliens created these illusions to keep the team immobilized.

But now the illusions have been broken, especially by John, who alien says is "uniquely capable of manipulating his own fabricated reality."

John cuts in, "When I think of the scenarios I could have thought up, I'd kick myself". He throws back a nod to Rodney.

Rodney gulps nervously. He doesn't know if he is being taunted, but he was just thinking he could have had John. The way he wanted him. Personal and close, with kissing even.

Oh God. He had been watching television and eating junk food.

And he'd imagined going on a date with a somewhat cute neighbor who hated him. Which never even materialized. Oh well, crappy self esteem, what are you going to do?

"So none of this is real?" Rodney states rhetorically. After a pause, he continues, "The cute brunette. Of course, I should have known. I mean, how do you go from... 'You're a pig, but I like your cat', to 'I missed you'?"

Stupid, no one has ever missed him. Rodney knows this is not the appropriate time to be feeling self-pity but something about this fake reality has made him incredibly sad.

The alien explains, "We lacked a sophisticated understanding of your world, as a result the illusions we created from your thoughts were ultimately flawed."

"Well, the dead people were a dead giveaway." John grimaces.

Rodney stops feeling sorry for himself and wonders if John experienced any kind of pain in his reality. "Dead people." he begins, "What were you doing?"

John gives him a nonchalant expression. He's seems fine. The Major doesn't seem to be bothered by much of anything.

The alien still seems to think the team is a threat... that they would knowingly kills millions of the alien life forms just to return to Earth. But the team manages to convince it that if they are allowed to return to their bodies, they will not attempt to try to gate to Earth.

They are returned to where the bodies have been lying, in front of the alien stargate. Rodney begins removing the special DHD crystal, the only one capable of dialing Earth.

"Rodney, be careful with that," Elizabeth tells him. "I want to make sure we can get back home."

"You mean Atlantis." He corrects her automatically.

John speaks up, "I think that's what she meant".

And Rodney realizes that Atlantis HAS become home, for all of them. Still, he finds something argumentative to say to John. Because, in a way, that also feels like home.

.  
.

Eyeing the clock, Rodney closes his laptop. It's time to meet John in their secret liar. When he steps into the room, he sees that John is wearing one of those long black shirts that clings to his tall lean chest.

Did Rodney ever get to touch that chest when they were... whatever they were?

He doesn't think so, he would remember that. Rodney sure remembers what John looks like with his shirt off. Sex personified. Not an ounce of fat, long toned arms.

The whole body just seems to radiate ease and confidence. Rodney thinks about John's naked body. His chest. There is a small line of hair that trails down from his smooth muscled torso, reaching from the small dusting of short dark hair above his nipples and over his chest.

It stands out as a dark line over the light skin, down along his stomach. The trail accentuates the lines, the length of him. And lower… It flows into the dark bush of hair in his groin. Just above that amazing cock.

In his mind, Rodney can see the angular hips that frame it. Oh. The way they ground into him, as John that pushed that cock up deep, deep into him.

Rodney's own cock twitches involuntarily and he feels the fluttery rush of arousal. No, no, no, don't think about John that way. Forget the past… that way is only pain. Focus on the game.

Why does John still have this effect on him? It is so unquantifiable. Rodney likes proofs, figures, facts… They leave him on solid ground. That way he always knows the answer, knows he is right.

It is easier living in world without emotion. Without fear or longing. A world of numbers, right and wrong. Feelings are unpredictable; they have always scared Rodney, left him with no footing.

John makes Rodney forget everything he knows. Rodney feels so powerless to please him. And just as eager to hide that fact with his sarcasm. It feels like John can see through him anyway. He just breezes through whatever shields Rodney has, as if they don't exist.

It isn't right, he shouldn't be thinking about John like that anymore. But Rodney finds himself pushing further, doing things that are far out of his realm of comfort. Trying to impress the Major by doing things like wielding a gun or attacking an enemy… The kinds of things Rodney would never, in a million years, consider doing before.

Being with John is so unpredictable, infuriating... but exciting.

He tries to forget the past and think about the way things are now. John likes Rodney more, now that they are friends. At least he thinks he does... Why else would John spend so much free time with Rodney?

Rodney just has to find his footing. Be less affected.

Looking at his screen, he sees that a lot of his variables have yielded positive results. Now there are so many more new perimeters to examine. Rodney can't believe how involved this game is. He plots fresh strategies and enters them into the console.

Sheppard's country looks like it is lagging behind. He feels pleased with himself for looking at the bigger picture, the long run. John is always looking for quick, easy solutions without thinking through the infrastructure.

Rodney squints his eyes at John and wonders what kind of technological advances John is giving the people in his side of the map. Probably he can't provide the kind of technical schematics Rodney can.

Not that Rodney would provide them with nuclear power or anything like that… but Renaissance level, perhaps. It could be a definite advantage.

Sometimes at night, Rodney feels guilty when he strokes his cock thinking about John. He should be over this by now. But over time he just wants John more instead of less. Maybe if Rodney didn't spend so much time with the man. But it is so fun, making kitchen raids late at night, playing their games together.

He feels a little bit special when he is with John. He feels light and breathless, despite how cool and detached John is, teasing Rodney mercilessly. Of course, Rodney gets his digs back in.

And then John drops the cool act altogether and gets dorky with him. Talking about favorite dinosaurs or best comic book heroes... They got into quite a debate recently over Batman vs. Superman.

John gets most of Rodney's obscure TV references to old Sci-Fi and Horror shows. Rodney has even invented a game where one of them lists an actor while the other tries to guess the show they appeared in. Most people wouldn't know the shows, let alone the actors.

John so has an inner dork.

There must be something wrong with Rodney for feeling so happy. He is happy just to be around John, no matter how out of reach, no matter how much Rodney lusts for him.

Looking up over his game screen, Rodney peeks at John. With his legs slung up on the console, John scowls and looks over at Rodney suspiciously. Rodney squares his shoulders back, staring at John behind his large opposing screen.

Typing into the keyboard on his lap, John feigns disinterest. So Rodney types back, entering new parameters into the game. He catches John leaning over, not enough to really see anything, just enough to be playful.

Rodney scowls in mock irritation. The two of them keep making changes to their countries. They take turns popping their heads up and stealing glances over the screens. It is just too much fun.

.  
.


	11. A flash of pure desire in John's eyes

.  
.

After the massive storm and raid by their new foes, the Genii, John speaks with Elizabeth and Rodney to assess the damage. They didn't come out unscathed, but the city is still intact, thanks mostly to McKay's plan. Using the lightning rods to harness enough energy from the shield, protected them from the Tsunami.

John can't let himself think about how scared he had been when he thought he might lose Rodney, in fact he can barely bring himself to meet the other man's eyes.

That Genii bastard, Kolya, had hurt Rodney. John knows Rodney probably feels bad about revealing the plan. But Rodney had handled himself well, activating the intercoms and tipping John off. Then Rodney had managed to save Elizabeth's life when Kolya had sworn to kill her.

When John had been on his own in the abandoned city, taking on the Genii soldiers, it had felt like Rodney was there with him. He had talked himself through it, 'Okay. What would McKay do?'

In Rodney's lab, John saw a sign propped on some boxes. It read, 'Really Really Dangerous Don't Touch -McKay'. He could almost feel Rodney there about to scold him. John tried to put himself in his friend's shoes and come up with a brilliant plan to save the day. And it came to him. Power. McKay would go for the power source and take it out.

Right now, John can't look at McKay, he keeps his focus on Elizabeth. He doesn't want to betray how much emotion he feels over the fact that Rodney is safe… or how close he came to losing it when he thought Rodney might die. Instead, he stands away aloof and disinterested.

Rodney tells them that Beckett is suffering from a concussion, as he and Teyla were attacked in the Jumper Bay. Rodney points to a bandage that has been applied over his jacket, "I mean look at this. I had to do this myself."

It is probably just a scratch knowing McKay; the guy doesn't have much a tolerance for pain, John doubts that Kolya did much lasting damage. Still, he burns with rage thinking of anyone hurting Rodney. It felt good to sink those 2 bullets into Kolya's chest as he fell back into the wormhole. When John is done checking the status reports, he will come take a look at Rodney's arm himself.

Then Rodney finally catches John's eye and gives him a weak smile, he looks unsure of himself. Probably still feeling bad about giving the plan away to Kolya... John will definitely look in on him later.

After finishing up with Elizabeth and making sure their personnel are returning home, John circles back to find Rodney, grabbing a med kit along the way. It will be a while before the all the evacuated personnel are back and someone should look at his arm.

When John spies him, Rodney looks sad, alone, stooped over a console. The bandage over the jacket looks a little too bloody. Rodney starts when John walks in. His eyes look sad.

"Let's get you looked at." John walks up reaching for Rodney's arm, the part that isn't hurt.

"Uh, who's going to look at it?" Rodney is flustered, the way he always is when John touches him.

"I once dated a field medic." John shrugs.

Rodney looks at him dubiously.

"I do know basic first aid. I can put on a Band-Aid." John adds.

Rodney glares but doesn't move from under John's touch. John pulls the gauze off his jacket.

"Careful," Rodney winces, "it really..." he stops talking as John's hands move softly over his arm.

Gingerly holding the arm in place while unwrapping the make shift bandage, John inhales sharply when he sees the blood pooled on the jacket. He looks at Rodney a little guiltily.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt."

"Yes, thank you, it hurts." Rodney makes a face.

"We gotta get this thing off." John eyes the jacket. He reaches his hand up tugs on the front.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Oh God. John did not just tell him to take off his jacket? Rodney flushes and closes his eyes.

"Here." Rodney feels John pulling on the zipper.

He looks up at John startled. But John is focused on the jacket, he has it completely unzipped now. Rodney's mouth is dry as John starts moving the jacket off the uninjured arm and Rodney cooperates, moving easily out of it.

"You ready?" John walks behind Rodney and lifts the collar gently on the other side.

Rodney nods as John slowly peels the jacket down to the elbow.

"Okay, just like a Band-Aid," John places his other hand on the sleeve, we'll-"

Son of Bitch, that hurt!

"Ow, ow, ow, ow," Rodney complains loudly as John dabs at the wound.

"This might hurt a bit." John stops, frowning. He hands Rodney the loose gauze and gets something out of the medical case.

"Just make it quick." Rodney says holds the padding under his arm.

Holding Rodney's wrist in his fingers, John looks at him. Those green eyes are so unreadable but the way John is looking at him makes Rodney forget about the pain.

John just keeps looking at him and Rodney feels nervous.  
Is he upset because Rodney fucked things up with Kolya? He doesn't look that upset.

He feels the heat of John's fingers on his wrist. Rodney loves the way it feels when John touches him.

"Okay." John blinks softly with those long lashes and looks down at the wound.

Oh Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Rodney braces himself. This hurts worse than when they carved him up. He bites his lip and tries to be brave.

He hates seeming weak in front of John, something that happens far too often. While John cleans it up, he winces and lets out some soft whines but keeps from doing anything too embarrassing.

"Okay buddy," John moves his grip and captures the back of McKay's hand in his palm, he straightens out Rodney's arm into the light, "That looks pretty bad. You might need some stitches, and some..."

Waiting for the rest, Rodney gazes at John's face. He doesn't feel as vindicated as he hoped he would. Mostly, just defeated and sad about letting everyone down.

"Hey." John squeezes his hand.

Rodney blinks at him.

John's face is so inscrutable, there is something deep in those eyes, but Rodney can't place it. John's voice is soft, "You did a good job there."

As Rodney starts to roll his eyes, John squeezes his hand again, "I've been captured by the enemy before."

When he looks back into John's eyes, they are stormy. John's voice is a little hoarse, "I've been tortured and I don't blame you for doing whatever you needed to survive. I understand."

Sighing, Rodney wishes he knew more about John's past, more about what goes on behind those eyes. Rodney looks at the mysterious Major. John's face reveals acceptance not judgment.

Hesitantly, John places his other hand on Rodney's shoulder, and moves it across his back in soft, uncertain strokes.

And then Rodney sees something unmistakable.

A flash of pure desire in John's eyes. Whoa. Okay.

Rodney's mouth falls open.

"Thanks." He stares up at John in wonder.

John's face has slipped back into its' easy mask as he escorts Rodney to the infirmary, to wait for the other medical staff to return. But Rodney knows what he saw, even if it was just for a moment.

.  
.

The next few weeks are a whirlwind. Nothing bad happens. It's just the rush of being with John makes Rodney feel lightheaded lately. Rodney lets himself indulge completely in his fantasies at night.  
The two of then practically spend every spare moment together now.

Tonight John wants to take Rodney to the gun range and teach him to 'handle his weapon properly'. Not the kind of thing Rodney would normally be doing, but he can barely contain his excitement as he makes his way down. John looks so sexy in his long sleeved black shirt.

And Rodney could swear he is being sultry with his expression. John has seemed to take every opportunity to touch Rodney these days and tonight is no different.

John gives instructions physically as well as verbally. He positions Rodney and stands behind him. He leans in close, folding his arms around and holding the gun with his hands on top of Rodney's.

Trying to keep the gun steady at the target, Rodney inhales shakily. John moves his hands to the rest of Rodney's body, shifting his weight. He bends his knee into Rodney's to show him how to stand. Rodney blinks happily. Then John's hands move away and Rodney feels heavy earmuffs go over his head.

It's okay, John doesn't need words to communicate what he wants from Rodney. John puts an ear set on his own head and returns behind Rodney again.

His body is pressed up so close, his arms hugging against Rodney's. And the hands, the hands moving over Rodney's hands… He feels John moving the gun angle and then his finger presses Rodney's, letting him know to squeeze the trigger.

Rodney pulls and recoils into John's chest. John lifts the earmuffs off of Rodney's head and explains verbally how to breathe into it and keep his arms steady instead of pulling away as soon as he fires. Returning the earmuffs, John physically positions Rodney again.

Every touch radiates through him, he feels so relaxed. He can do this. John is holding him and Rodney lets himself press back into John instead of pulling the trigger again. John doesn't object.

They just stand there. And Rodney lets his body move just enough to lean in and enjoy the sensation of John up against him. He can feel John's bulge pressing up against his ass. Not fully hard, but definitely there. Oh, this feels so good.

John's hand closes over his again and brushes against Rodney's trigger finger. Rodney exhales deeply and pulls.

.  
.


	12. Oh my God- He's in love with John

.  
.

Finally. John is finally letting Rodney pilot the ship on a real mission. It's exhilarating. He doesn't mind the way John so attentive and consumed with every move Rodney makes.

Usually Rodney doesn't like people telling him what to do, but with John he doesn't mind. John likes to stay in control when it comes to certain things. And Rodney is just happy to be the one piloting this mission.

"Ease up on the controls a little." John smiles.

"I'm fine," he tells John. Rodney is concentrating for all it's worth; maybe he is a little tense.

"You're going to snap the damn things off. Ease up." John persists.

It sounds ridiculous coming out of his mouth but Rodney says it anyway, "I'm just seeing what this baby can do."

One of the guys in the back of the Jumper, Abrams, snorts, "Did you just say 'this baby'?"

"It's perfectly appropriate space pilot parlance." Rodney bristles. But it comes out sounding like more of a question than a statement. Dammit. How is it that John can get away with saying things like that and he can't?

"Just fly the baby in a straight line." Lifting an affectionate nod toward Rodney as he says the last word, John looks like he is trying to hide his amusement.

"I'm flying in a straight line." Rodney tries to make another statement but it sounds like a question.

John pulls up a view screen that reveals Rodney's anything but straight flight path. "Not so much." He offers gently.

"Well in space, all motion is relative." Rodney looks to John for reassurance but he just raises his eyebrows in response.

The other guy in the back of the Jumper, Dr. Gall, is complaining about motion sickness.

"These things have inertial dampeners, you shouldn't feel a thing." John tells him.

Gall explains, "I know we're moving, that's enough for me."

"Why'd you choose this guy for the mission?" John whispers conspiratorially to Rodney.

"Brendan's the one that discovered the Lagrangian Point satellite was out here, Elizabeth felt he should see it for himself." Rodney leans over to explain.

"Don't let go of the controls!" John suddenly extends his arms over to Rodney's side, gesturing.

"Snapping doesn't help!" Rodney raises his voice back.

"This is why parents get someone else to teach their kids how to drive." John sighs.

"I'm both insulted and touched by that." He retorts.

As they approach the satellite, John murmurs, "McKay..."

Rodney knows even before he says it that John wants the pilot controls. The two of them rise and seamlessly fold around each other in the tight space -as they have on many previous flight lessons.

It's a dance that they can do without even moving their eyes from the view screen. Rodney feels like there is something very intimate about this, knowing someone well enough that you can anticipate their movements.

"Yes, yes, of course, please." Rodney mumbles softly without realizing it.

The weapons satellite seems to be dead but they pick up a weak Wraith distress call from the planet below.

They radio Elizabeth so Rodney can tell her the findings, "Look if any part of that ship is intact, the wealth of scientific and military knowledge we could acquire is invaluable."

John is nodding while Rodney is talking.

"So what are you saying?" Elizabeth asks cautiously.

"We have to go down and take a look." Rodney pleads.

"You have to?" Elizabeth sounds guarded, "It took you almost 15 hours to get to there."

While Elizabeth is talking, Rodney turns to John and mouths very dramatically 'Help me!'

John's eyes go big and damn he looks good in that tight black shirt. Rodney doesn't understand how someone who is so strong and fierce can also be so boyish and adorable.

When John's eyes go big Rodney feels fluttery and thinks about Antarctica... back when John had wanted him and took what he wanted.

When John makes that kind of face he looks so young and innocent, his lips look so pouty and kissable. Rodney wants to kiss him right now; he wants to kiss him so much it aches. He wishes that he could be like John and just take what he wants.

John keeps looking at Rodney all wide-eyed, his lips moving just barely, like he is parsing out what Rodney wants. And then he gets it. Suddenly his face shifts back to 'the Major'.

Before Elizabeth can continue, John sounds serious, "Well, all the more reason we should…" His cadence falters for a moment but he continues, "have a look. We're already here."

Gall pipes up about how the planets atmosphere is extremely ionized and radio communication could be difficult.

Rodney gives him the quick shut-the-fuck-up signal by waving his hand across his throat.

'This is weird' Rodney muses, since when has he become the guy so eager to go confront danger?

Since he met Sheppard, he realizes. John's really changed him. Rodney wonders if that is good or bad, objectively speaking, but realizes he doesn't care because it feels good. It feels really good to be with John.

"And", Elizabeth continues, "it would take at least 15 hours to send out any kind of rescue."

"We'll-be-fine" Rodney blurts.

Elizabeth asks, "Major?"

Rodney turns to John, knowing his answer already, "I agree with McKay" he says, as if he has given it careful consideration and thought.

"Of course you do", Elizabeth isn't buying it, she sounds a bit sing-song and sarcastic. "How could either of you resist exploring a crashed alien spaceship?"

"Exactly." John says frankly.

Trying to sound mature, Rodney tells her, "I assure you our interest is purely professional Elizabeth." The moment he says it Rodney is hit by the irony of that statement.

Yeah right, his interest in John is purely professional.

"Seriously," John sounds convincing, "the amount of intel we could gather from their weapons system- codes, shields..."

"All right," Elizabeth consents, "Proceed with extreme caution, please, and check in with me in three hours."

"Oh, three hours, that's hardly enough time-"

"Will do." John cuts him off, giving Rodney a pleased look that says 'this is going to be great'.

John probably would have been the most fun kid growing up; Rodney wishes he had known him then.

Of course Rodney never had these kinds of fun adventurous in childhood, and John would have been too cool to hang out with a dork like him.

For some reason, the mental image of he and John in a tree house comes to mind.

The planet turns out to be a desert. While John is still in the Jumper, Rodney discretely applies his SPF chapstick and snipes with their two sidekicks.

John steps out all looking tough and cool with his aviator glasses on and tells them to head out.

As they all walk through the sandy plain towards the Wraith ship, little sparkly flies swirl up out of a dirt hole. Rodney loses whatever bluster he had, swatting and sputtering about what a severe bee allergy he has.

John just smiles, naming them 'space-bugs', while Gall laughs at him for his 'girlish' fear.

Rodney ungracefully stumbles out of the area and they continue to the crashed vessel.

Once inside, they split up into teams of two. John and Rodney start to speculate on the odds that a Wraith could survive in these conditions for 10,000 years. It seems unlikely, but to be safe John radios the other scientists and tells them to regroup.

But by the time they get back it is too late. Abrams is already dead, and Gall is barely alive. Rodney tends to Gall even though he appears to be dying. He tries to reassure the injured scientist, "I'm sure the paralysis is just temporary, you'll be alright in a few hours."

"I told him where we left the Jumper, he took my remote." Gall confesses.

John's body stiffens and Rodney knows he knows he is planning to try to take the Wraith out by himself. Feeling both guilt for missing the life sign reading and panic that John is going to leave him, Rodney tries his best to argue with him, raising his voice for effect.

"I don't have time to argue about this!" John screams right into Rodney's face, but his eyes don't look angry.

Rodney goes quiet and John's voice drops back to normal, "Now set your radio to channel 2 and don't use it until you hear from me." With that he is gone.

"Major!.. Major!" But it is too late.

He turns his attention to tending Gall's wound and tries not to worry about John.

A few minutes later the radio comes to life, "McKay."

"Still here." Rodney answers.

"Son of a bitch beat me to it. He's fast." John sounds sore, like a boy scout who failed the prize."

"Then you should get back here." Rodney tries to take control of the situation again.

"Negative." John drawls.

Rodney clamors, "There's no point in you being out there-"

"He's aboard my ship." John states possessively.

"What are you Captain Kirk?" Rodney taunts, "What good's it going to do him?"

"I don't know." John admits innocently, "Maybe he can hot-wire the damn thing. I don't want to take a chance."

He tries in vain to point out again that it makes more sense to wait for a rescue party given how dangerous the Wraith are, but John is obstinate, insisting that if all goes well, he can come back for them in the Jumper.

"And if all doesn't go well?" Rodney argues uselessly.

"It will." John sounds cocky.

With a pragmatic pessimism, McKay points out, "Things haven't gone all that well thus far."

"You know, Rodney, these guys do die if you have enough firepower." John sounds instructive the way he does on a flying lesson.

Yeah, Rodney thinks bitterly, and one guy going after a Wraith alone isn't a hell of a lot of firepower. This is such a stupid argument, "Well, eventually yes but-"

John interjects with that infuriating Driver's Ed instructor voice, gentle, reassuring, and mildly condescending, "Try and stay positive."

Sure he'll keep it positive while looking into Gall's deathly eyes. Rodney isn't as scared for himself as he usually is, mostly scared that John is going to do something rash and get himself killed.

He can't really imagine life without John anymore. Rodney feels so close to him. Of course, everybody likes John. Most people in Rodney's life haven't cared much for him.

And even though he and John never talk about what they mean to each other, he does feel at least a little bit important to John. Why else would he seek Rodney out whenever he had free time? It isn't mandatory to give your teammate flying lessons. Or shooting lessons…

It's impossible to say, John is so hard to read. Rodney just knows that he loves him, so...

Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Bad, Rodney. Very bad idea. He tries to will the thought away. But is still there. Rodney realizes, maybe it always has been.

Oh my God. He's in love with John.

Okay... so whenever he started to... love John, he obviously realized that it was a bad plan and kept it repressed for a reason.

Hence, he is quite capable of repressing it again. It can be a purely professional relationship. No reason it should be any different now, should it? Rodney's had plenty of experience with wanting people who didn't want him back. It should be easy-

"McKay..."

"Major!" Rodney's voice is sharp with relief, "What's happening?"

"I thought you should know- round one was a draw." John's voice is less confident.

"I don't like the sound of that." Rodney worries.

"Me neither." John agrees. "I took some fire."

He should be out there with John, watching his back. Rodney is feeling an anxious pit in his stomach, "Are you injured?"

"Yeah, that's what I mean by 'I took some fire'. But... I don't think it's too bad, but my P-90's out of commission. He found a 9 mil in the Jumper, figured out how to use it pretty fast."

"Well, the Wraith will heal itself." Rodney points out the obvious.

"Yeah, no kidding, I put at least 20 shots into him and a couple more for good measure" John sounds tired.

While John is theorizing about why this Wraith is so strong, Rodney's eyes dart from side to side thinking about how he needs to get out there to help him.

"Can Gall move his fingers yet?" John asks.

"Barely" Rodney answers.

"All right," John directs, "Then stick a gun in his hand."

Confused, Rodney asks, "Major?"

"Just in case I don't make it back. Sheppard out."

The bottom drops out of Rodney's stomach. No-no-no-no-no, he can't let this happen.

He tries to act nonchalant for Gall, "That's comforting, huh?"

Not much later he hears an explosion and yells into his earpiece, "Major, what the hell what that?"

John sounds unconcerned, "I almost blew myself up."

"What?" Rodney is stricken.

"Stay off the radio I'm busy" John tells him.

"Right, he's busy." Rodney mutters. He makes an effort to keep Gall's spirits up. And to keep himself from getting lost in his own thoughts.

"You want to get out there and help him, don't you?" Gall eyes Rodney carefully.

"What?" Rodney's eyes go big shakes his head in disbelief, "Me go up against a Wraith? Are you kidding?"

"You do," Gall smiles with approval, "I can tell." He takes a breath and looks softy at Rodney, "You've changed."

Rodney shifts his weight uncomfortably as Gall continues, "You really want to get out there."

"Shut up," Rodney blurts, not wanting to talk about any of this.

Gall is undeterred, "Don't get me wrong. I'm impressed. You want in the fight. The Rodney McKay I knew would never-"

Inwardly he completes the sentence '-would never fall in love with his commanding officer?'

Out loud he tries to sound official, "You heard the man. We're staying right here."

He kneels down and gives Gall the extra gun as Sheppard instructed. As he looks into Galls pain filled eye, he tries to project strength.

But Gall isn't doing well. He tells Rodney with calm assurance that he is dying and can feel what the Wraith did to him, "He left me with just enough strength so that you would have to watch me die."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John has figured out that the 'space bugs' are attracted to food and uses a Powerbar to lure them nearby in order to get the Wraith to come out in the open.

He has set up a grenade under a radio. The Wraith falls for the ploy but even the blast does not seem to injure him.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney hears a second explosion, "Did you hear that? I think the Major may be in trouble and if he's in trouble, we're in trouble."

Hopeful, Rodney asks Gall if he can move but Gall says "Not a chance, I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay. That's okay". Rodney tries to contain the rush of adrenaline he is feeling.

"Go. Rodney just go. Save the day" Gall urges him.

Rodney knows he can't and won't leave Gall behind. He feels like a 13-year-old girl right now, gushing out his thoughts about the Major without thinking.

"What I really want to do is call him on the radio, but I'm afraid if he's hiding from the Wraith, I might inadvertently give away his position, and let's face it, what chance would we have against the Wraith if Sheppard can't take him out? I was hoping you'd be strong enough that I-"

A loud gunshot punctuates Rodney's rambling speech. He spins around in terror to find Gall has shot himself.

.  
.


	13. Memorizing the feel of John against him

.  
.

The Wraith is coming for John now. He pulls out his gun to fire what remains of his ammo but it isn't enough. Knowing his odds of survival aren't good, John still pulls out a knife and goes in for hand-to-hand combat.

He is no match for the Wraith. It tosses him down like a rag doll and is about to feed on him when Rodney shows up and shoots it once in the back.

John is flooded with relief when he hears Rodney scream out, "Major?!"

"McKay." He calls back.

"What do I do now?!" Rodney is pointing the gun at the Wraith and screaming.

"Keep firing everything you've got!" John struggles to sit up.

That's right Rodney; just keep firing like I taught you.

The Wraith is making its way towards Rodney. Rodney keeps firing until he empties the clip.

"Okay, now what!?" he yells.

"Reload!" John yells back.

Now Rodney is emptying a second clip into the Wraith. Okay, John's gotta come up with some kind plan-

A radio call interrupts his thoughts. Thank God. The rescue Jumper is within range.

He has an idea. While the Wraith is making it's way to Rodney, he fumbles with another Powerbar.

"No more bullets!" Rodney screams.

Before the Wraith can reach Rodney, John makes a lunge for it and manages to wedge the Powerbar in its armor before being thrown free again.

As he hears the sound of the space bugs buzzing, he orders the rescue Jumper to fire on the biggest life sign they can detect. He just hopes he and Rodney can get far enough away.

"McKay, run!" He calls out. John can see Rodney running as the blast hits. He falls to the ground with the force of the explosion, then lifts his head up, "McKay?"

He needs to know if Rodney is safe.

And then he sees Rodney peek up from behind a distant rock and wave cheerfully, "Still here!"

The radio sputters to life, "Sir, this is Ford, the target is gone."

"Well", John replies, "It's about damn time."

Teyla speaks up apologetically, "We got here as soon as we could, Major."

"That's not what I meant." John shakes his head because he didn't mean to say that out loud. He meant... it was about damn time that the Wraith died and about damn time Rodney showed up.

He had told Rodney to stay away but he was proud, really proud of how he had handled himself. He had gone from being a thin-skinned scientist to a guy that John could really rely on.

And it has been a long time since John felt looked out for like that. There is something more, a warm feeling in his stomach when he thinks about Rodney. He tells himself maybe it's just the kind of feeling you get when a guy saves your life.

Not one for self-reflection, he usually tries not to think about this stuff. But he knows if he's honest, it has always been more with Rodney. This desire to be close, to draw Rodney into his world...

John knows he fucked up whatever chance he had for more back in Antarctica, but he is happy for whatever they have now.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney runs up to John feeling too gleeful… considering everything that's just happened. He feels like hugging him but stops himself just a few feet shy, feet firmly planted in the sand.

He looks down to hide the emotion swelling in his chest. When he looks back up, John is gazing at him, the sunglasses are gone and his face looks dirty.

His expression is hard to read but John blurts out a hoarse sounding, "Thanks."

Unsure of how to respond, and still out of breath, Rodney manages a, "Yeah. You too. You okay?"

"Other than this," John gestures to his shoulder, "and a few cracked ribs..."

Now Rodney is really glad he didn't hug him. Besides the fact that would have been really, really stupid… He doubts that anyone under John's command has ever hugged him after a mission. The two of them stand awkwardly together for a moment catching their breath and occasionally giving each other sidelong glances.

John asks him about Gall and Rodney looks down in grief, shaking his head, "No." he answers softly.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

When Rodney can't meet his eyes, John realizes that Rodney hasn't been afforded the vast experience that John has had with people, friends, dying under your command.

Once the thrill of surviving wears off, this is going hit him hard. He's got to make this up to Rodney, maybe more flying lessons.

He walks toward the Jumper to take Rodney's mind off things, "You'll have to put the ship back together, provided you can disarm the shield."

"Fine", Rodney follows behind, "As long as we get to go home."

"You can drive." John smiles at him.

"Oh, thank you." Rodney says sounding tired but pleased.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Fortunately, Rodney's job of getting the shield down is made much easier by the assistance of the second Jumper. The Wraith has made quite a mess of the insides; Teyla and Ford lend a hand in getting it back together.

One of the other guys from the rescue ship helps Sheppard get out of his field vest and shirt. Rodney tries not to stare while he is taping John's ribs and redressing his shoulder.

A shirtless John no matter how sweaty and dirty is always a beautiful sight. Then John lazily pulls his shirt back on. They say their goodbyes and thank yous to the rescue party.

"See you back at Atlantis." Teyla smiles.

"I don't know," John quips, "Rodney's driving".

Ford laughs on his way out of the Jumper and Rodney shoots John a dirty look. When the door closes, John stands silently with his arm on the low roof.

Rodney moves to the front of the cabin but makes no move to power the Jumper. John doesn't seem ready to go yet, so he waits.

After a few minutes, he hears John shift his weight, "Rodney?"

The voice sounds both heavy and fragile. Rodney hears it as 'Come-here-please' rather than a question to be answered.

He stands up and walks to the back of the Jumper. John's eyes are full but Rodney cannot read the expression.

John steps very close to Rodney looking at the floor, then imploringly at Rodney's face. John's eyes squint up suddenly and he casts his gaze down again. Rodney waits for whatever it is he needs to say, hesitantly watching him.

He lifts his face up to Rodney again, meeting his gaze, John begins, "Can I just-"

Then he takes a resolute step forward without finishing and folds his arms around Rodney with a sigh.

Rodney is too shocked to say anything. Not that he would want to say anything and break the spell. His arms are pinned to the side of his body by John's embrace, so he is not really participating in the hug, rather just receiving it.

This is heaven.

This is everything he's ever wanted from him. It feels so good with John's chest against his; every part of his body that is touching John feels on fire with pins and needles. Pins and needles but very, very good. Exquisite.

John's body relaxes, his tall lanky form stoops a bit and he drops his head to Rodney's shoulder.

Rodney let out a quiet gasp but neither man says a word. Rodney never wants this to stop. He leans into the hug and nestles his face against John's chest. He wants to let John know that he wants him to keep doing this, he never wants it end.

As he feels all the tension draining from John's body, Rodney realizes that John needed this even more than he did. He wonders if John ever lets his guard down like this with anyone.

Certainly not when he and John had been lovers. Had they even been lovers? Was that what to call it? Rodney doesn't think so, there hadn't been much love involved, at least not on John's part. Rodney has gotten to know the man a lot better since then. And if Rodney didn't love him then, he knows he does now.

John is very hard to resist. He is charming, open and friendly with everyone. He seems easy, playful, and unflappable, but Rodney knows better. He knows John can't stand being close to people, that he keeps them at arm's length. John has created a deceptive garden in front of the armored walls of his heart.

Most people will never get to know John well enough to realize those formidable walls exist.

For John to share this vulnerable moment with him is... huge. John never asks for anything, never seems to need anyone...

Of course, Rodney could easily be describing himself. Except in his case there is no garden, just a venomous pit of sarcasm and bad temper. Doesn't leave a lot of room for people to get to know him, or ever like him for that matter. He supposes it is easier to give people a reason not to like you than to wonder they don't why later.

John's body moves imperceptibly and his hands squeeze Rodney's back like he is bracing to let go. Rodney pulls in closer to John's chest.

'No please, don't go John, please don't go. I love you, John. Don't let go'.

And John's hands move a bit, patting Rodney's back, as if he has read his thoughts and is trying to give Rodney comfort too. Rodney lets out a big sigh and relaxes again.

He tries to savor every last moment, memorizing the feel of John against him, the feeling of his hair tickling his neck, the stubble on John's chin poking through the shirt on Rodney's shoulder. His beautiful body relaxed against him, curving into him.

Feeling every breath rising and falling. It is the most perfect, the happiest Rodney has remembered being in a long time. It could only be better if his arms were free to reach back, to touch him and show John how much he feels.

But Rodney knows better. John likes to be in control, this is probably the only way he could let himself go, and if Rodney does too much or says too much it really will break the spell. John will shut down and give him an empty smile.

So Rodney contents himself with the pleasure and closeness he can feel now. It is already more than he ever thought he would get from John. John lifts his head and steps back with his hands on Rodney's shoulders.

He looks at Rodney with weary and grateful eyes. "Thanks." he whispers.

Rodney's eyes are big and soft, he just nods.

"I feel better now." John bobs his head and gives a small but authentic smile.

His hands drop from Rodney's shoulders and he gestures an arm toward the cockpit, "Shall we..."

Again, Rodney just nods and follows him.

As Rodney takes the pilot seat, John turns to look at him, asking, "You ready to take this baby up?"

He is smiling, looking like his usual self, but Rodney can easily see the affection and tenderness shining from his eyes.

.  
.

Since their mission to the desert planet, it feels like he and John are getting so close, it seems like more than friendship. The way John looks at him, Rodney feels...

Oh. Too much. He wants John in every possible way. He feels like he belongs to John, he has ever since Antarctica.

Even though John has that infuriating way of acting aloof and flirty at the same time… But Rodney lets himself imagine that John wants more with Rodney than he does with most people. He can't be sure; he has never been great at reading these things.

Rodney feels so much himself; he is worried that he is coloring in emotions that aren't there for John. Still, he starts to reach out himself, trying to act flirty, using every opportunity to have physical contact.

Like when the two of them make late night kitchen raids, Rodney grabs food out of John's hands just to get into a wrestling match. They are brief of course and John always wins.

When he and John go to the shooting range, Rodney pleads, "Can you just show me how to hold it again?"

John obliges and they spend most of the hour with their bodies pressed close. It feels like more than friendship... If someone were to walk in on them, Rodney is sure it would raise some eyebrows. At work John is completely professional, aside from the sniping and banter of course.

But Rodney has always sensed something cagey about John. The way he leaves abruptly, the lack of intimacy. Rodney knows that closeness doesn't come easily to John and is afraid that if he makes a move, John will bolt like a wild horse.

Maybe for now it is just better to be hopelessly in love and enjoy the closeness he has. Just because Rodney is used to getting rejected doesn't make it any less painful. In fact, it makes the pain more acute and humiliating.

In the past, there have been times when Rodney has mustered the courage to come on really strong and brash. But that has taken a lot of effort and he has always maintained an air of condescension to fall back on once he is almost inevitably rebuffed.

And that has only worked when Rodney doesn't care about or really know the person. Yeah. He hasn't gotten much result with that tactic. But he hasn't had much success with the wait and see method either.

He hadn't thought he would be interested in anybody after things ended with Alex. He had felt broken through and through, possibly forever. The last thing he ever thought was that he would fall in love with John. But there it is.

And Rodney wants him more than he has ever wanted anyone. There is something about him... It's not just how sexy he is or the way John can make Rodney feel when he is fucking him...

It is John himself, as a being, as a soul. Rodney is drawn to him, like an irresistible planetary force, Rodney has been drawn into John's orbit... And now, it is where he belongs. It's not Atlantis that feels like home, Rodney realizes, it is John. John has become his home.

.  
.

As the weeks tick by, Rodney keeps debating with himself over whether or not to reach out, try to get closer. The sexual tension is palatable, Rodney is sure he is not imagining that.

John never seemed to have a problem taking what he wanted from Rodney in the past. And Rodney doesn't know why John isn't doing anything about it now when it feels like they are on the verge of fucking all the time.

Still, Rodney has had some pretty bad malfunctions with radar before and he doesn't want this to be one of them. He just couldn't take it if John rejected him. Rodney wants to be sure of all the facts before he takes a risk and tells John how he feels.

Rodney is puzzling over his dilemma when a contagion hits the city. Two deaths occur, members of a large science team that Rodney had searching distant areas of the city.

They were exposed to something that was released from a containment vessel during the storm. A nanovirus is the cause, giving the victims terrifying visual hallucinations before they die of a brain aneurysm. The city is quarantined but one of the scientists breaks loose, infecting a large number of personnel.

John offers to save the day by delivering a massive EM pulse. The only problem is that he has to use a Jumper to drop the nuke 20 miles above the city to make it work... The city would be safe from a radiological standpoint, but John will be at risk trying to outrun the blast wave.

Rodney is just coming to terms with the fact that he has fallen in love with... the Major. Now he is feeling morose about never getting a chance to tell John how he feels.

While John positions a Jumper over the city, Rodney tries to think of something else he can do to help. He cautions, "You're only going to have 30 seconds once you release it before it explodes. You need to get as far away as you can."

"Get as far away from the nuclear explosion as possible." John repeats back to him, "That's good advice, Rodney. Thanks."

"You're welcome." Rodney's mouth curls up with a sour expression. Okay that was pointless.

John voice crackles over the radio, "I'm releasing the generator... Now."

Rodney knows John can accelerate the Jumper pretty fast. He just hopes it is enough to outrun the shockwaves.

He feels the blast from the pulse reach city and Elizabeth calling, "Major Sheppard, come in."

There is nothing but silence. Rodney looks up even though he can only see the ceiling. 'Oh please. Oh please. Oh please'. Rodney doesn't believe in deities but this is closest he has ever come to a prayer.

Elizabeth keeps on the com, trying to reach John but there is no response.

'Oh please. Oh please... If he's alive I'll tell him I love him, I will stop being such a coward, even if John doesn't feel the same. I'll take the risk, just let him be alive, let him be alive still, let-'

"This is Sheppard, I've cleared the blast. I'm returning home."

.  
.


	14. I can be romantic

.

.

Over the next couple days, Rodney can hardly think straight when he is around John. He tries to imagine how he could possibly admit to being in love him. It's not like it's going to come up in casual conversation. They are always bantering and joking around, but serious talks don't exactly seem like John's cup of tea. They aren't really Rodney's forte either.

The idea of a letter crosses his mind, but he dismisses it as too 13-year-old girl. Maybe there is another way. John likes to drink and Rodney won a bottle whiskey off Carson during a chess game. Carson had thought he could hold his own against Rodney. A rookie mistake. No one can beat Rodney at chess.

Not that Rodney had really wanted the bottle, he had just wanted to win. Maybe one of these nights when he and John go out on the pier... Maybe with a little alcohol, Rodney could work up the courage. Maybe. Maybe tonight.

Rodney heads out of the lab early. John always comes by to find Rodney when he is finishing up. If Rodney leaves now, he will have time to get the loot and make it back before John shows up.

He races to his room, grabs the bottle and couple of small cups. But he doesn't want anyone else to see this and try to join in the fun. Rodney snaps his fingers thinking… A small blanket… he has one, it's around here somewhere. He wraps it over the contents, hoping it doesn't look too conspicuous, and heads back to the lab with it tucked under his arm.

Feeling flushed from his brisk walk, Rodney waits impatiently. Maybe it's not the walk that his him flushed. He hopes his cheeks don't look too pink and tries to calm himself.  
He is so nervous. What is he going to say?

Oh God, what if John rejects him. Maybe Rodney doesn't have to say too much. Just something to let John know that he wants more.

Better not to think about it. Just let it-. John walks in looking casually sexy as always. Rodney has been sitting facing the door in anticipation, usually he waits for John to lean over his shoulder and ask what he is doing.

"Let's go." Rodney jumps to his feet and races to the door.

John follows him; waiting until they are in the hall to ask, "Go where?"

Rodney stops and unfolds the cache.

"Whoa." John raises his eyebrows, "Cover that back up. We don't want anyone else to see it."

"The pier?" Rodney suggests.

"Let's go." John tells him, looking pleased.

The two of them make their way out to the empty North pier and sit on the edge with their feet dangling. This is one of John's favorite spots, Rodney knows he prefers this pier to the others. Not sure why though, they are pretty much the same even before the sun goes down.

"Oh, this is good." John smacks his lips, "Good plan Rodney."

Rodney sips his glass; it burns in his throat and makes him feel warm. He and John talk, the way they always do.

This is going to be harder than Rodney thought. He feels like they already have something intimate… but how can Rodney take it to the next level? He refreshes their drinks and stops looking for an opening.

He just isn't good at this kind of thing… He'll leave things the way they are. Maybe he can just love John from a distance and not risk the rejection. Rodney doesn't like risks or rejection. But something about John makes him want to try anyway. Chugging the rest of his glass quickly, Rodney makes a face as it goes down.

"All right, Rodney." John laughs.

Oh. Maybe that was too much. Rodney feels like it is going to his head already. He leans back and looks at the stars, "You know, none of these stars here in the Pegasus galaxy have names."

"They have names, Rodney." John smirks.

Staring up at the night sky makes him feel calm. He always liked looking up at the stars. It is one of the only times he feels safe being small or insignificant in the universe. Physics is the closest thing to spirituality to him. The elegant design of the cosmos.

He sighs, "It's still beautiful."

"Who knew you were such a romantic?" John sounds surprised.

Rodney tilts his head back and looks at John, speaking softly, "I can be romantic."

John stares at Rodney with those inscrutable dark pools, those bewitching eyes.

And Rodney stares back. John must be able to see how much Rodney is longing for him. He must.

"You know, we could name them." Rodney quietly ventures.

"Okay." John looks up thoughtfully.

Pulling out the blanket, Rodney folds it into a small pillow. He sits up and hopes John will follow him. Placing the blanket on the ground, he lies down on his back. There is just enough room for John to join him on the makeshift pillow. Rodney holds his breath as John moves over to him.

John looks down at Rodney inquisitively before kneeling, but he lays down right up against him. They are so close. Rodney's breath hitches; he can feel John's arms and legs resting along side his. So close but still too far away. Rodney sighs.

Using his free hand to point, Rodney asks, "What about that one?"

"That one?" John points to the same prominent constellation.

"Yeah it kinda looks like wings… If you look at the –"

"Yeah," John interrupts, "I see it. So, what do you want to call it?"

"The Batcape?" Rodney puzzles.

"Okay, your naming privileges are officially revoked." Rodney can feel John's head brushing against his as it shakes lightly.

"Well, after my favorite superhero."

He can hear the smirk in John's voice, "Yeah, I got that."

"Well, what then?" Rodney frowns.

"I think it looks more like chariot… Momento Mori."

"Moment what?"

"Momento Mori." John says with confidence, "It's Latin for 'remember that you will die."

"That's cheerful." Rodney retorts.

"See, the Roman generals…" John explains, "When they came back from a victory, to the waiting throngs… There was this guy who rode in the chariot with him, calling to the crowds, 'Momento Mori, Momento Mori'…

It was a reminder not to be overconfident. A victory one day can be snatched away the next. Enjoy life while you have it and don't be overconfident. You know… one day you may feel exuberant and immortal, the next day you could be gone."

John pauses, "I think it's kind of romantic."

Turning his head to gaze at John, Rodney doesn't make his usual snippy comment.

As John stares up at the constellation, Rodney admires his profile. But then John turns his head on the pillow and gazes back at Rodney. Almost close enough to kiss.

"I think it reminds us to cherish the most essential things in life." John tells him. "Not to forget that we are human… sometimes we can mistakes."

He looks away for a moment, then gazes intently into Rodney's eyes, "You know, sometimes I make decision early on… I can get locked into one way of thinking…" he says it as if he might be talking about Rodney.

"There are some decisions I wish I could take back, or maybe I just wish I had been more…" John blinks at him with soft eyes, "done something more. Let myself…" His eyes bat down almost shy.

Rodney trails his fingers over the back of John's hand next to him.

When John looks back up, his eyes are full of longing, but John stays very still.

It seems like John wants this as much as he does. Rodney's breath is coming in shallow and he feels dizzy now. He curls his fingers around John's hand, holding it softly.

"Uh, I, sometimes…" Rodney licks his lips, "I've been thinking that I to want live life more… I mean, sometimes I hold back… a lot…"

Lifting his head off the pillow, Rodney can't believe he is about to do this, "I don't want to hold back anymore."

He leans forward, inches above John's face. And John's hand flutters under Rodney's. Then it squeezes Rodney's hand tightly into his. John gazes up at him, his face full of desire under the alien moonlight.

Rodney leans in slowly to take what he has been wanting for so long.

As he feels John's breath on his lips, warm and just a whisper away, John suddenly releases Rodney's hand out from under his and stumbles back away.

With a horrified and disgusted expression on his face, John tells him, "I'm sorry," he shakes his head like he has tasted something sour, "I don't know how to do this."

All of Rodney's usual defenses are returning, he makes a bitter and sarcastic face as he reels from the sting of rejection, "Really?" He thinks back to the aggressive way John had fucked him in Antartica, "Because I kinda thought you did."

"No, I- I can't." John walks backward, "Sorry, McKay" Then he turns away and is gone into the darkness.

Oh. Okay. Now he's McKay again. Rodney feels cold and empty. What ever led him to believe that John would want him again? What happened between them in Antartica... Rodney knows it was just meaningless sex for John. It was stupid, to get his hopes up that could be more. So stupid. Rodney hates himself so much.

He isn't the kind of person that anyone would care for that way. Why did he get his hopes up? How can he ever face John again? Rodney doesn't usually drink but he feels like the rejection has shocked him sober.

Well, he doesn't plan on staying that way; tonight he plans on drinking plenty. He is going to get good and drunk to forget all this. Numbly reaching for the bottle, Rodney tries to crowd out the dark thoughts in head. Just long enough until the liquor does it for him.

.

.


	15. It's not like I'm HOLDING BACK on you

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.

John wakes up drenched in sweat. Had he been screaming?

It happens from time to time when he is stressed. The nightmares about Afghanistan come back.

He had been so afraid earlier when McKay had been about to kiss him. Now the knot of fear has spread; it is tangled up with dead people and the past. He sees Holland's face and squeezes his eyes to make it go away.

His hands wring the pillow under him. God, the fear is just so twisted up inside. John could never try to explain it to anyone else. He can't even explain it to himself. He just has to fight it back down and try to sleep before the mission tomorrow.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney wakes up with a searing hangover the next morning. The night before comes rushing back at him and he feels the shame. Oh God, he had tried to kiss John.

The team has to go off world today and Rodney will have to see him. He is in a terrible mood as he gets ready, being heartbroken doesn't really agree with him. It is going to be hard to face John after what happened. Rodney will just have to rely on his usual shield of bad humor and condescension.

By the time he sees John, Rodney is unpleasant, even by his own standards. John, of course, is acting like nothing happened. Not a care in the world, glib even. He should stop thinking of him as John; from now on Rodney it will simply be Sheppard or the Major.

The Jumper is attacked by some Wraith Darts as they make their way to the planet; the weapons fire takes out some of their systems. Sheppard complains to Rodney to get their weapons back online.

"McKay!" John shouts to the back of the Jumper. Apparently Rodney isn't going fast enough for him.

"I'm almost there!" Rodney yells back.

A few moments later he informs the Major, "Okay, you should have weapons now."

"Negative." Sheppard replies.

"Are you sure?" Rodney is confused.

"Positive!" Sheppard shouts while trying to avoid the Wraith fire.

"I'm pretty sure I fixed it." Rodney looks back to the screen.

"Well, obviously you didn't!" Sheppard sounds like he is losing his patience now.

The Jumper is rocked by a small explosion.

"McKay!" Sheppard spits out his name like it is a swear.

Thinking about how Jo- the Major treated him last night, Rodney is angry himself. He uses his words to make a point. "It's not like I'm HOLDING BACK on you!"

That should shut him up. And it does.

Fortunately, the weapons become a mute point when a strange energy device destroys the Darts for them. Sheppard decides they should land on the planet to find out more about what kind of weapon so easily destroyed the Wraith ships.

The village on the planet seems rural rather than technologically advanced. To Rodney, the people seem overly superstitious about their Godhead, Athar. If there's one thing that gets under his skin it's the false illusion of religion. And all the injustices and prejudices that come with it.

The people on the planet claim no knowledge of what Rodney can only assume is an Ancient weapon protecting the planet. The team is guided on a strenuous hike to meet the high priestess, Chaya. As Rodney walks through the gate entrance he sees the Major gaping at a beautiful woman.

He knows Sheppard well enough to tell when is aroused, or at least he thought he did. In this case it is unmistakable. Sheppard doesn't know this priestess at all but she is staring back at the Major with open lust.

When Sheppard speaks to Chaya, he sounds nervous, like a boy with a crush. Rodney rolls his eyes.

Chaya holds Sheppard's hand, lingering for a long time and then turns to the rest of the team, welcoming them all by name.

Rodney bristles and juts his chin out as Fords asks him. "How did she know that?"

"Please. The abbots ran ahead and told her." Rodney abhors superstition.

The Major seems completely enthralled by her, his smile and conversation seem saccharine, and unlike the man he thought he knew.

Sick of all the niceties, Rodney confronts her about the presence of a weapon. But Chaya acts innocent and denies knowing anything about it.

"Are you sure about that?" Sheppard asks softly.

She directs her full attention to him, "Yes".

"Oh, please". Rodney groans.

Sheppard shoots him a look that says 'Shut-up-Rodney' and reminds him out loud, "Rodney, best behavior."

Oh, it's Rodney now, is it? He responds, "This is as good as it gets, MAJOR."

Continuing curtly to the priestess Rodney winces, "Chaya, the only reason we're alive is because of a powerful energy weapon that emanated from somewhere on this planet. It destroyed the ships that were shooting at us. That weapon is what's keeping the Wraith away."

"No Dr. McKay," Chaya instructs, "it was Athar who protected you."

"Athar?" Rodney throws his head back in contempt.

"Yes," Chaya answers coolly even though Rodney is sure she is lying, "Athar saw you were in need."

As Sheppard steps in to smooth over the ripples, Chaya seems to purr to the sound of his voice. In the background, Rodney shakes his head in disgust.

Chaya leaves to go pray for guidance over Sheppard's request. They are hoping this planet could provide sanctuary to the others in the galaxy who are suffering from the Wraith affliction.

Rodney confronts Sheppard, "You're buying into this?"

Sheppard says something about religious tolerance, and that Chaya doesn't strike him as the lying type. He believes she is being honest about her lack of knowledge concerning the weapon.

A hiss involuntarily escapes Rodney's lips. This woman seems to have him wrapped around her finger. He mumbles, "So pay no to attention to the man behind the curtain."

An hour or so later Chaya finally returns to tell Sheppard that 'Athar' is not able to provide sanctuary for anyone else.

"And you really had to chant all that time to come up with that?" Rodney asks.

"McKay." Sheppard whispers menacingly.

But he can't help himself, "You're hiding behind your religion to justify your complete and utter selfishness."

"Rodney..." Sheppard's tone is more aggressive.

"If 'Athar' existed, she would be ashamed of herself." Rodney knows he crossed the line some time ago, but the way Sheppard is acting with this woman is making him crazy.

"We wish only to be left alone and in peace." The abbot professes.

Rodney is losing himself to rage, "So untold thousands, possibly millions of people will die out there when they could have been saved, all in the name of 'Athar'. How very, very peaceful of you."

"You should be grateful to Athar." Chaya's eyes darken.

"This is a waste of time." Rodney declares.

She ignores him and looks soulfully into Sheppard's eyes, "Athar regrets that she cannot help you."

"And I'm sure those were her exact words." Rodney tries to break the spell with the light of reason and his acerbic tongue.

"That's enough!" Sheppard shouts furiously at Rodney.

Rodney closes his mouth.

"Head back to the Jumper," Sheppard orders, "I'll be there in a minute."

"Why?" Rodney asks weakly.

"Because you're not helping."

Rodney heads back to the Jumper with Teyla and Ford, noting glumly, that Sheppard is now completely in the clutches of that alien woman.

Finally, Sheppard does return to the Jumper, but with Chaya in tow. Rodney shouldn't be surprised, that Sheppard has invited her to come back to with them Atlantis, but he is somehow is. The Major has apparently convinced her that Athar should consider all the people of the galaxy as part of her family, since they are all human and distantly related.

.  
.

Upon return, Elisabeth welcomes Chaya warmly and promises to give her a tour once she has been medically cleared.

"Major Sheppard has already promised to do so." Teyla teases.

"Of course he has." Elizabeth demurs, noting the chemistry between Sheppard and their new guest.

Rodney looks away, he can't watch this anymore.

"Of course I have." Sheppard smiles.

Elizabeth invites the two of them to follow her to the infirmary.

"Maybe I should tag along," Rodney pipes up, "in case you have any questions-'

"I think I got a handle, Rodney." Sheppard pats him dismissively on the shoulder as he walks by.

Sadly watching them leave, Rodney babbles, "There are a lot of systems you know, absolutely-"

"Got it covered!" Sheppard yells over his shoulder.

Teyla leaves too and he standing by himself feeling dejected. "Fine." He says to no one in particular.

Eventually, Rodney finds himself heading to the infirmary anyway. It's like a car crash, he just can't look away. He stations himself in a nearby alcove and peers out at the medical entrance.

A few minutes later, he sees John practically skipping to the door. He stands in the entryway offering an arm to Chaya, like an old-fashioned gentleman. The two of them link arms and walk away looking completely taken and familiar with each other.

Rodney stays out of view as they walk away. He can't take much more of this, so he decides to make a plea to Elizabeth about how suspects Chaya of deception. This is not entirely about his hurt feelings, despite the stalking. He believes her to be a viable threat to the city and he owes it to everyone to follow up on that.

As the day goes by Rodney follows Elizabeth around on a fact-finding mission. They go back to the infirmary to get medical results from Carson. He tries to keep his mind off of the fact that John is still with her.

Elizabeth doesn't seem to take Rodney's concerns very seriously. She tells him she will consider what he has said, but thinks it best he not attend the negotiations. So Rodney busies himself trying to get to the bottom of things on his own and finds something suspicious about Chaya's biometric signature.

"Someone should be keeping an eye on her." He complains to his assistant.

"Major Sheppard is," comes the reply.

"Oh, I'm sure he is", Rodney grimaces.

"Not entirely for the reasons you think. Dr. Weir asked him to."

The guy is more perceptive than Rodney gave him credit for. Feeling too transparent, Rodney snaps, "Oh I'm sure she did," before quickly taking his leave.

He roams through the halls hoping to run into Sheppard and spies him holding a basket, talking to Teyla. He can just barely make out what the Major is saying. "I'm an ambassador, and she is...a… diplomat."

"On a late night...picnic?" Teyla seems bemused.

Sheppard stands tall, "Yes".

Teyla reassures him, "I know that as ranking military officer here in Atlantis, that you feel a heavy burden of responsibility." Sheppard shrugs and Teyla continues, "But you… are allowed to have feelings for others."

"Oh." Sheppard laughs, "No, this is a… this is an ambassadorial diplomatic picnic outing."

"Without… having to justify them to anyone." Teyla smirks, "Goodnight, Major."

Rodney knows he will not be welcome at this 'picnic' and heads back to the control room to talk to Elizabeth.

"You want to send her back?" Elizabeth seems perplexed by his determination.

"All I know is she's not who she is pretending to be."

"And you know this because?" Elizabeth sounds wary.

"What I'm not allowed to have intuition?" Rodney asks.

"You?" Elizabeth doesn't skip a beat, "No."

"Oh." He says flatly.

"I asked Major Sheppard to keep an eye on her."

Rodney guffaws, "Which is like asking a fox to guard the henhouse." He follows her to her office and makes his case, outlining all the variables.

Elizabeth finally concedes, "There is obviously something very different about her, yes. But that doesn't necessarily make her a threat."

"It doesn't rule it out, either." Rodney has to point out.

Giving her verdict, Elizabeth tells him, "Then for the moment, I think what we could gain by securing a treaty, is worth the risk of her being here." She exits the room to prepare for negotiations.

Feeling dejected once again, Rodney says to no one in particular, "Fine."

.

.


	16. He is important to you

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John's picnic is going well, the food is impressing Chaya.

She murmurs, "This is delicious."

"Well enjoy it while you can because it's the last of what we have." He says sheepishly.

"Then I am honored." Chaya tells him reverently.

He stretches out and finds himself musing, "When McKay finds out, he's going to kill me."

Chaya looks at him smiling seductively, "Athar will save you."

They both laugh as John replies, "Oh, good."

The conversation rolls along easily until Chaya stops with a serious tone. "I… wasn't completely truthful with you about something."

John's face loses its smile.

"On Proculis when I told you I did not feel lonely…" Chaya continues, "coming here and being with you…"

John smiles again.

She looks at him longingly as she finishes her thought, "It reminded me what it was like not to be alone."

John finds himself standing up and backing away, his gut response to emotional intimacy. He likes her, of course he likes her, but his first instinct is to bolt. It helps that she isn't moving towards him. She's just sitting on the blanket looking sweet. He smiles at her awkwardly.

"What?" she asks.

He laughs nervously, thinking about the last night when he and McKay were out on this pier. "Well, I mean, nothing. It's just that… This is the first time I've been in a romantic situation with a woman,"

God, why did he just say woman, it makes it sound like there's another option. He quickly continues, "-from another planet, and it just strikes me as really, um…"

"Wrong?" Chaya offers.

"No." John backpedals, "God. No. Just… Just… Funny."

Chaya looks hurt.

He backpedals again, "I'm sorry. I just thought that I would, uh…" he shakes his head unable to continue.

"You said it yourself- we're both human." She smiles.

Thankful she has rescued the conversation, John steps toward her, "Yes, we are. I'm really glad you didn't say 'family' otherwise I'd have to leave."

"Don't," she whispers softly, looking at him with eyes full of desire.

John kneels back down on the blanket, feeling steady again. He looks deeply into her eyes and tells her something he suspects is not just about Chaya anymore, "I'm not going anywhere."

He reaches his hands up and cradles her face. He kisses her softly at first, then with a consuming desire. He drinks up everything she is offering with those sweet lips, takes the comfort where he can.

.

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* * *

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.

Rodney is in the mess hall looking for the Major when he runs into Ford. "Hey, have you seen Sheppard?"

Ford smirks, "I saw him go into his quarters a couple hours ago with Chaya."

"Thanks." He manages to mumble. Rodney's stomach lurches as he runs toward Sheppard's quarters.

Just as he is approaching, he hears the door open and sees Sheppard stretching lazily with a cat who ate the canary grin.

He doesn't care if it looks like he's been spying, Rodney steps out of the hallway and greets him with an icy, "Major."

"Rodney." Sheppard barely looks his way and keeps walking, "What are you doing up so late?"

"I was just uh…" Rodney's brain has stopped working, then a palatable excuse comes out in a rush, "I couldn't sleep so, so I was going back up to the control room to do a little research. What about you?"

"Oh, no thanks." Sheppard keeps walking and Rodney wonders if he even knows where he is going or if he is just trying to avoid talking to him.

What kind of answer is that? You'll have to do better than that, Major. "No, I mean, what were you up doing so late?"

"I'm always up late, Rodney." Sheppard spins around to face him.

Rodney folds his arms behind his back defensively. Of course he knows that, Sheppard used to spend his time hanging out with him in the late evening and early mornings.

"A word of caution-" Rodney pinches his mouth up into a bitter expression, "the whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic, to say the least, let alone morally dubious."

"What routine?" Sheppard spits out.

"The romancing the alien priestess." Rodney points back to Sheppard's quarters, "It's very 1967 of you. Actually I'm surprised-"

Sheppard cuts him off, shocked and angry, "If and when, ANYTHING I do becomes your business-"

Rodney coldly interjects, "It becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman who is clearly not who she claims to be has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger." Yeah, fuck you too, Major.

"Don't go there, McKay." Sheppard growls, his eyes shining with anger.

"I'm sorry." Rodney lies, he isn't sorry, "I know I'm not normally Mr. Sensitive but you've got to believe me when I say there is something about her."

Sheppard is striding toward him like he might hit him, but Rodney manages not to cower and continues, "I know it's intangible, but I can feel it-" Sheppard stops inches from his face.

Rodney has never seen his eyes so stony. It chills him to bone.

"I said, don't GO there." Sheppard's voice shakes with rage.

Sheppard holds Rodney's gaze intently until he gets it. And Rodney gets it. Right. There's no us, there never will be. Whatever kind of emotional connection Rodney thought they had…

An image of Gandalf appears in Rodney's head thundering 'You shall not pass!' If his heart wasn't breaking into a million pieces right now, Rodney might have laughed at himself... But there's more to it than that, isn't there? What if Sheppard really is in danger?

Inside he is dying, Rodney's voice sounds steady if not a little small, "It's just a matter of time before I prove it, Major. I'm just recommending that in the meantime you keep your…"

But Sheppard's eyes are sliding over Rodney's shoulder now. Rodney turns to look. Chaya is standing in the open doorway of Sheppard's room, her arms folded and a pouty expression on her face.

She gives Rodney a disapproving glare and stomps back into Sheppard's quarters. When Rodney looks back to Sheppard he can't hide the deep hurt he is feeling.

He shivers under Sheppard's gaze, it is unforgiving, so hard it is vicious. He's never seen Sheppard look at anyone like that; it seems like contempt or even hatred.

Rodney is falling apart inside. What did he do to make John hate him? All he did was try to get close to him. And why her instead of him? He knows it's a stupid question. She's beautiful and a woman, and he's pasty, weak, annoying, unlikeable, the list goes on…

Whatever this is with John, Rodney has to get away from it. It is killing him inside. He feels like a moth to the flame, no one has ever made him this crazy before. He's been running around like a jealous lover all day and now John only hates him for it. Rodney returns to his room.

Physically he feels like shit, he should be sleeping but he can't. He can't stop thinking about John with that woman. Rodney reaches for his laptop again and starts to design a program that should enable him to secretly take better bio readings of Chaya.

He is still up running simulations and comparing data when the sun comes up. Rubbing his sore eyes, he peers out the window at the sunrise. He'll just take a quick shower and drink as much coffee as can. If he can show Elizabeth what he came up with, she should see there wouldn't be any harm in letting him sit in on the negotiations.

After downing a few cups of coffee, Rodney seeks Elizabeth out and explains that he can use his laptop surreptitiously to scan Chaya for anomalies. "If I really am crazy, you and I are the only ones who need to know. What's the harm?"

"All right," Elizabeth agrees, "but be discreet."

"I am Mr. Discreet," Rodney scoffs.

Before Elizabeth can dispute this remark, Rodney flits away to prepare.

.

.

Meeting back up with everyone in the briefing, things go normally for a short time. But then Chaya starts to confront him about his readings. John leaps to her defense and demands to know what's going on.

At that point Rodney lays it all out –that Chaya is not who she claims to be; she is an Ancient. It's the only thing that explains her perfect health, the energy weapon, and the fact that she has the gene…

Chaya drops the ruse and addresses the Major, "I see that in my desire to come to Atlantis, I have revealed too much of myself."

She admits she can never offer sanctuary to the people suffering in Pegasus. She turns a fierce eye back to Rodney, "But you are wrong as to why I came here."

"Why did you come here?" Sheppard asks cautiously.

She turns to face Sheppard, her face soft, "You, John."

"Me?" Sheppard's eyes lift in disbelief.

Chaya lowers her head again, "I have lived in solitude for so long that when you asked me to come to Atlantis, I…"

Rodney groans from across the table and collapses back into his chair, "Oh, my God, he is Kirk."

"So this was never about, uh…", Sheppard looks to Chaya. He licks his lips, unable to finish the sentence.

She shakes her head to him apologetically.

Sheppard raises a finger to the group and asks, "Could we just have a moment to ourselves here?"

"NO!" Rodney raises his voice, almost standing up protectively to make his point. Surprisingly Teyla and Elizabeth chime in with the same sentiment. He feels a momentary swell of relief.

"That's all right," Chaya stands up sadly, "I've stayed here long enough." She says walking out of the room.

Sheppard's eyes dart from her to Rodney.

Rodney looks at him plaintively, thinking _'Please don't go'._

Looking away from Rodney, Sheppard follows Chaya out the door.

When Rodney comes out of the room he is disgusted to see Chaya swooning in Sheppard's arms.

Just let him go. John will always go, Rodney. _'Don't GO there Rodney'._ He sighs and stands back watching passively as Chaya disappears in a glowy non-corporeal form and flies away.

Sheppard goes after to her, of course, taking a Jumper back to Proculus.

Empty with exhaustion, Rodney walks stiffly back to his room.

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.

* * *

.

.

When John finds Chaya, she offers him a parting gift, a kind of mind-meld. She explains, "We will know each as well anyone ever can."

John closes his eyes and let's himself be enveloped in her shimming light. The sensation is pleasant, he can feel everything about Chaya, her loneliness and isolation, banishment from the other Ancients due to interfering in human affairs, her punishment to continue protecting the planet where she interfered, thousands of years alone, her life before Ascension, everyone she ever knew and loved, including him… her feelings for him…

"This is cool." John gushes.

He feels warm and relaxed even as he sees his own life flash around him, the people he has loved and lost, the death of his mother, his father's rage, getting beaten at school, and even worse, his father finding out why. Leaving home right after that. The last word his father ever said to him ringing in his ears; 'faggot'.

John knows Chaya can sense the emotional walls he built between himself and the rest of the world, his training in the military only hardened him. A string of affairs with woman over the years and a handful of anonymous sexual encounters with guys. John tried to make an attempt to get close to someone with his ex-wife Nancy, but he had failed, utterly.

After the divorce John had met Holland. Just a friend, but John had felt so much more, and sensed Holland did too. Then he had died. There had been plenty of death in Afghanistan to keep him hard. Finally, Antarctica and solitude, lonely but safe. Until McKay.

John can feel Chaya wondering, _'Rodney?'_

He has never told anyone about these experiences and can't believe he isn't panicking or running away. Something about the Ancient glowy mind-meld relaxes him. He can tell that Chaya understands what it means to be in the military and does not judge him.

She tells him mentally, _'He is important to you.'_

And John knows he can admit it here… with her. Even if he can't anywhere else… not even to himself.

 _'Yes'._

 _._

 _._


	17. I said- Don't- Go there McKay- EVER

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Rodney gets ready for bed early and collapses in exhaustion. He feels safer under the comforter. Less humiliated and small. It was bad enough feeling disgusting and unwanted, but it really seems like Sheppard hates him now.

He hugs the pillow into his face. His voice is muffled when he speaks into it, "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

It feels like the pillow is muffling Rodney's raw emotions. He chokes into it, he doesn't want to cry. He really doesn't want to feel any more pathetic than he already is.

But the tears come and there is no stopping them. Rodney sobs and gasps into the pillow letting his body contort in pain. No one is here to see him be so weak.

"I'm sorry." He pleads out loud, "I didn't mean to. Please, no. No… No… I'm sorry." Rodney isn't sure who is talking to, mostly Sheppard he thinks. Maybe a little bit Alex.

"Please don't hate me…" he whispers and dissolves into another fit of sobs. Oh God. This hurts too much. If he had known how bad it was going to hurt, he would never have… God, he feels so alone.

He has come to terms with the fact that Sheppard doesn't care about him; it will become bearable over time. Rodney just has to let go. He can put up his own walls. He can be stony and cold like John, can't he? He will bury his hope deep down where he will never find it again.

But the thought that Sheppard truly hates him is what he cannot bear. He has to say something, to apologize, to let Sheppard know that Rodney is sorry he made a mistake. No matter what he does, things will ever be the same between them.

The friendship feels like it is over. The way Sheppard had looked at him with horror and disgust… and then later with hatred. It makes Rodney feel so helpless, like his soul is dying. He doesn't know if he can live with himself if Sheppard doesn't forgive him. If he can just fix that one thing, it will be enough. If Sheppard will just forgive him… Rodney cries into pillow.

.  
.

Waking the next day, Rodney feels hollow but functional. He goes through the motions emptily. The day goes by, ticking away like clockwork, empty mechanical movements... Rodney knows Sheppard won't be coming by the lab anymore but he lingers a little while just to be sure.

Then, Rodney takes a circuitous route back to his quarters, walking slowly, lost in thought. He glances up in surprise to notice someone is walking toward him from the other direction.

Oh God, it's Sheppard. Rodney freezes.

Sheppard does the same; he is just standing still staring at him.

Unsure if he should try to speak, Rodney takes a careful step forward, "Uh, listen, I… just wanted to say sorry for earlier-"

"I don't want to talk about Chaya." Sheppard interrupts and shifts his gaze over Rodney's shoulder.

Swallowing his distaste at hearing her name, Rodney steps closer to Sheppard, just out of arm's reach. Sheppard still won't look at him.

"No, I wanted to say sorry…" Rodney pleads, "about us, I didn't mean-"

Turning his head with a flash of fury, Sheppard lunges. He strikes his palm hard into Rodney's chest, forcing Rodney up against the opposite wall.

Sheppard is shaking as he projects, "I said, don't. Go there. McKay. EVER."

Rodney blinks in shock and cringes. Is Sheppard going to attack him? He shouldn't have said anything at all. The butt of Sheppard's hand is piercing into his chest, but that pain is nothing compared to the way Sheppard is looking at him right now.

Then Sheppard recoils and pulls his hand away as if it is burning him to the touch. He averts his eyes and looks more shocked than angry by what has just happened, leaving abruptly.

Staring after him in horror, Rodney hugs himself against the wall. Oh God, he has to give this up, everything he has tried has only made things worse. Internally he struggles. Part of him feels sure he is disgusting and worthless and deserves to be treated this way but another part of him is angry.

He is tired of being hurt. He doesn't want it anymore; maybe he doesn't even deserve it. It doesn't really matter, he just can't take this thing with Sheppard anymore… he has to get away, at least as much as possible when you work with someone nearly everyday.

Maybe tonight Rodney will see if Carson wants to play chess again, maybe he could even let the guy win. Maybe. And no more masturbating to Sheppard, from now on it will only be Samantha Carter allowed in his fantasies.

Rodney closes his eyes and visualizes a shield that no one can penetrate, least of all Sheppard. He feels better, steadier now. Sheppard hadn't really hurt him, just scared him really. Rodney sets his face into one of grim determination, tries to gather what remains of his dignity and walks back to his quarters.

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* * *

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Over the next few weeks, John notices the absence of Rodney's familiar presence. He regrets the fight, pushing Rodney into the hall. He has tried bringing offerings by the lab, as an apology, treats that Rodney likes, but he refuses them politely always saying he just ate.

John's invitations to spend any time together are equally unsuccessful. Rodney seems to always have plans with Beckett instead. John tries not to admit to himself how much he misses the man. Even just a simple late night visit to the kitchen makes him think about Rodney, 'McKay is going to kill me if finds out I ate this without him…'"

He teases Rodney at work, hoping to fall back into their old routine. He interjects where can, trying to get a response. Rodney may seem like his normal grouchy self to the outside eye but John can tell it is more. He is sure Rodney will get over their fight if John keeps trying. No need to talk about what happened. It will sort itself out.

A familiar numbness has settled around him. It reminds John of the old days at McMurdo; he doesn't mind too much. He goes through his routine… work… eat… run… sleep… It seems like Rodney barely has time to talk to him anymore. Too busy in the lab or hanging out with Beckett.

Moving on, John tries to find other activities to occupy his downtime. Teyla is pretty good at fighting with those sticks of hers and John spends time with her in the gym, trying to learn a new martial art. It is challenging, he nearly always loses, but it keeps him busy. That and taking solo laps around the city outskirts. Physical exercise is always good to keep your mind off things.

.  
.

John takes the team to follow up on a promising lead for a ZPM. The world reminds him of medieval Europe. The locals lead them to a library room where ancient manuscripts speak of a device that resembles their coveted energy source. Apparently the locals have regarded the ZPM as a religious relic. They even had a society known as the 'Brotherhood of 15' who once guarded its secret location before the knowledge was lost over time.

While Rodney is sifting through the library records, John sits at a big table with Teyla and Ford laughing heartily and joking around.

Rodney walks over to them and demands. "What is going on here?"

"Just having a little fun McKay." John says slouched over the table. Grumpy Rodney seems to have no patience for John at all. Nothing John says these days can make him laugh anymore. Even on his time off, Rodney just seems peeved. And he never wants to relax or play games.

"Can we get back to work now?" Rodney looks unimpressed.

Ford grumbles about how they aren't going to find anything and Rodney launches into a full scale rant outlining how close could be to finding a ZPM and roundly shaming them all for their lack of effort or concern.

Teyla and Ford look admonished but John keeps a scowl on his face to hide his embarrassment. He feels like Rodney has just become the team leader scolding the naughty children.

Well, Rodney scolds a lot, it's just usually no one takes him seriously. John decides to take this mission a little bit more seriously but not so much that Rodney will notice.

What John does notice though is that Rodney seems to be taken the brunette librarian, Allina, who is showing them around. He seems to be hanging on her every word. Rodney's face is radiant; he actually looks happy.

"Fascinating", Rodney tells Allina as holds her gaze longer than needed.

John frowns looking at Rodney and then back to Allina "Yes. Fascinating." He states dryly.

As Rodney frowns coldly at John with a warning look, John can almost hear Rodney's thoughts 'Don't fucking go there, Major'.

"Please go on." Rodney smiles back up at Allina warmly.

She tells them about how the Brotherhood left clues and hints about the ZPM behind, should the order ever be destroyed. Allina shows them 3 stone tablets, 6 of which are still missing. She believes they form a map when complete.

"Mmm," Rodney moves close to her to inspect the tablets. "Amazing.' He murmurs.

"It is actually." John confers.

Rodney looks up at him sharply like he is expecting a sarcastic barb. But John likes puzzles and is truly interested in the tablet, talking about how is seems to be an ancient numbering system.

Disinterested in what John is saying, Rodney and turns back to compliment Allina, "Excellent work, I mean, seriously, I'm very impressed here."

Has he ever heard Rodney give a compliment before? John's attention is back on the pair of them. He feels a twinge of something... John has saved people's lives… including Rodney's. On a regular basis. And all he gets in return are digs about his intelligence and sarcastic eye rolls. She finds a few rocks and Rodney is praising her lavishly.

"That's very kind of you Doctor." Allina sounds pleased.

John rolls his eyes and goes back to inspecting the rock. And Rodney continues on trying to impress the librarian with his theories.

He dislikes the way he feels watching Rodney flirt. Who would have thought he was any good at it? Allina seems to be taken with him as well.

Rodney pulls out a local map and makes a connection with the stones. He is brushing next to Allina as they examine it together. As Rodney points out a pattern to her, she gets excited.

She is attracted to his brain, John realizes. Guess that's not so unusual. Rodney is attractive, but John likes Rodney for his brain, too. He just isn't used to other people having the same reaction.

But she just hasn't seen Rodney's dark side yet. It's all fun and games when he's excited about a new idea, but then he turns on you when his blood sugar gets low, or he gets tired, or frightened, or… if you run away when he tries to kiss you.

Yeah, that's when things got a lot grumpier. John finally admits to himself that whatever is going on isn't due to Rodney's moods or his workload.

Rodney has been making a deliberate attempt to put some distance between them. Oh, and then there had also been John's public affair with Chaya right after the kiss that never happened.

And… he pushed Rodney in the hall when he had tried to talk to John about it. Okay. So things had definitely been weirder since then. Rodney has barely spoken to him since. He can't really blame him. John lets it sink in.

After hearing Rodney's plans for excavation, John splits them up into two teams. He separates himself from Rodney, taking Teyla and Ford with him. Rodney goes with the librarian and her friend.

A couple hours into the dig John finds the stones where Rodney said they would be. Rodney has also found success on his dig. The teams reunite at the library to assemble their findings.

That evening John watches from a distance as Rodney and Allina take a break to examine a mural on the wall. "It's beautiful." Rodney offers.

Allina looks thoughtful, "It is… and yet my eye is drawn elsewhere." She gives Rodney an intent look, but he is still staring at the mural oblivious.

"Hmm?" Rodney asks, "How so?"

"I'd like to restore it one day, but I'm afraid of damaging it." Allina pauses asking coyly, "Perhaps, you could help me, Doctor?"

"Really, you need to start calling me Rodney."

How is Rodney not realizing that she wants him? He seemed so with it earlier. John watches as Rodney takes a deep breath and sits down on the bench by the mural. Allina joins him and continues to try to flirt, but Rodney looks tired and doesn't take notice.

Before Allina had started showing clear interest, Rodney was doing fine. But when someone gives him genuine attention, the guy gets oblivious? John feels a pang of guilt realizing that Rodney probably isn't used to taking romantic risks. Rodney had taken a risk with John… and he had handled it pretty badly.

Rodney gets up from his seat across the room and stumbles past the team, announcing, "I'm heading to bed."

"Which bed might that be?" John asks.

"Huh…" Rodney stops for minute confused, "What?"

Ford grins, "I think Allina might have a little crush on you, Doc."

"Oh, she does?" Rodney leans forward in disbelief like he is waiting for the punch line.

Teyla is serious, "It is very clear to us all."

"It is?" Rodney is incredulous.

"Well, everyone but you, apparently." John says dismissively.

Rodney leans over John's shoulder and whispers, "Should I have um…" He asks uncertainly, "Are you sure about this?"

Now John regrets saying anything. But with Teyla and Ford egging Rodney on he tries to sound casual and supportive, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

Asking John again, Rodney keeps his voice in a whisper, "What should I do?"

John's face drops still for a moment and his heart lurches in his chest. Fortunately, Rodney can't see him because John is sitting with his back turned. He can't give Rodney romantic advice, this is so wrong. He decides to fall back to teasing instead, "You don't know what to do?"

"I know what to do –eventually." Rodney sounds flustered and adorable to John, "I mean what should I do now? Should I say something tonight?"

He looks to his teammates for help, but they are giving him nothing. John thinks about the self-assured Rodney he saw flirting earlier today and tries to offer him the best advice he can think of, "Tell you what Valentino- Wait till tomorrow. You'll be more on your game after you get some rest."

"Oh. Right. Right." Rodney leans back up to a standing position, trying to sound confident, "Good answer."

"Goodnight." John inhales sharply and sounds constricted.

.

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	18. John has no right to be possessive

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Masking with boredom on his face, John tries to keep eating with Teyla and Ford. But his heart is beating really fast and his chest feels tight. Not tired at all now, he excuses himself, saying he is sleepy. He just needed a reason, any reason to get away and breathe for a minute.

Well, this feels shitty. He pushed Rodney away so he shouldn't… He has no right to be possessive. Of course, Rodney's going to move on, John never offered anything, so… What was Rodney supposed to do?

If Rodney would just stop avoiding John maybe this wouldn't feel so bad. They could go back to how things were. But maybe Rodney doesn't want that anymore?

What was it his ex-wife had said? A train wreck. 'John, you're an emotional train wreck'. He knew it was true even though he had never taken the time to examine the wreckage or try to figure out what the hell was wrong with him.

So much of his life… The few people he had managed to let himself care for, it all got so twisted.

'I don't know how to do this.'

That was the most honest thing he could say, but such a feeble explanation. Rodney deserved more. John rubs the back of his neck trying to keep a headache from coming on.

Why now? Why is he thinking about all this shit now? He's left well enough alone for this long, and it's worked.

The blending with Chaya… The important puzzle pieces of his life were all together, there for her to see. And John had seen it too. It was harder to deny now. More, Chaya had seen everything that he was and she didn't hate him for it.

That acceptance had shifted something in him. Not that John knows what any of the puzzles pieces mean yet. But because of Chaya, he has gotten his first sighting of the actual wreckage. Who knows, maybe one day he could go back and try to do some damage assessment.

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* * *

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Rodney so totally freaked out. This is too bizarre getting dating advice from Sheppard of all people. Still, if there was someone who knows how to seduce it is the Major. He can, and does, get whatever he wants. Of course, the dashing good looks and personality don't hurt.

But, it's too confusing for his tired mind, trying not to love Sheppard and asking him how he should hit on a woman are two things that just don't go together well.

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* * *

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The next day at the dig John sees his advice is not working out well. Rodney is sputtering and going down in flames, so nervous he can't seem to complete a thought.

"You're very, very smart, and, uh… and attractive and whatnot, and, um… uh… You've got a lot of things going for you even when things don't… you know."

John walks up to the two of them, giving Rodney another moment to pull out of the nosedive but it just gets worse.

"Is everything all right?" Allina looks at Rodney with curiosity.

"Everything's great." Rodney flounders, "It's great. Everything's really… going well… Why… wouldn't it be?"

He makes the call and decides to give this failed attempt at seduction a mercy killing, interrupting, "You sure we're in the right place?"

Ford calls over to them and tells them he has found something. Not a little stone but a really big one. It is covered in ancient writing and warns trespassers not to enter the chamber of the Brotherhood.

The team removes the stone and enters the chamber below. Ford stays behind guarding the entrance. The room is relatively small, there is a stone medallion on the wall and a tall table with handprint devices on either side.

Allina places the stone tablets onto the table. Rodney tries activating it but is unable to make it work. He says the stones represent a gate address, where the last stone will be.

Then they hear gunshots from the surface and call out for Ford. Ford does not answer but the voice that does is familiar to John.

"Major Sheppard, I'm afraid Lieutenant Ford has had to step away for a moment."

Rodney approaches John, "Who's that?"

"Can't be." John mutters. He can't believe this guy is still alive after John shot him twice in the chest.

Teyla continues, "It sounds like..."

"Kolya?" John screams up to the opening above.

Kolya offers up his terms menacingly, they surrender the ZPM or Ford dies and the rest of them get closed into the chamber for good.

"We're not there yet." Rodney is trying to explain, "Look the ninth stone is hidden on another planet. All we have is the gate address."

"Dr. McKay…" the voice falsely cheerful, "So wonderful to hear your grating voice again." after a pause, Kolya continues, "How's the arm?"

John goes cold thinking about the scars Kolya left on Rodney's arm. He is going to kill that bastard. When Rodney joins him at the opening of the chamber to face his attacker, John is surprised

Rodney pulls on the rope with his scarred arm, seemingly unafraid, "Do you want to keep trading barbs all day or do you want to find the ZPM? Look, lift me out of here and I'll help you find it but then you let my team go"

"Shut up, McKay." John protests in a loud whisper.

"You got a better idea?" Rodney retorts.

There has got to be a better way… but Kolya knows Rodney is the one who can make this stuff work. He doesn't want Rodney in Kolya's hands again. Why hadn't Rodney just stayed hidden in the back? John would have figured this out.

Eventually John admits, "No."

With Rodney gone, John paces the dimly lit room trying to find an advantage or way out. He is worried, it has been too long, and he needs to come up with a plan. Teyla and Ford help him rustle up an idea on how to ambush the Genii once they are back. It might be enough, with the meager supplies Kolya left them and a few things they found in the room.

When Kolya returns with Rodney and the ninth stone, the 3 of them are forced to stand to the side with their hands behind their heads while Rodney tries to configure the stones.

Not understanding the puzzle, Rodney is reticent to try a combination, so Kolya orders his man Pranos to activate the center stone. Pranos places his hands into position to activate it. His wrists are locked into place momentarily and he receives a dose of lethal poison into his palms.

Obviously the wrong combination. Kolya blames Rodney for his man's death even though Rodney protests, saying, he tried to warn them something like this would happen.

"What's the correct order of the stones?" Kolya demands.

"I'm not sure yet." Rodney states unequivocally.

Kolya paces the room assessing the librarian and the rest of Rodney's teammates. "Well, you'll have four chances to get it right."

He steps up to John with distaste, "You go first."

.

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* * *

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Rodney frets as he and Sheppard discuss the puzzle and tentatively move the stones. If he can't figure this out fast… Ugh. Rodney chews his lip. Shep-… John is dead. He can't panic now; he has to find a solution. But a solution isn't coming. Fuck. Why can't he figure this out?

John sets down a stone cautiously, "Any time you want to start... "

"I'm thinking," Rodney's pulse is racing and he waves a trembling hand at John, "I'm thinking. All right."

"We tried one to nine." John says soberly.

"Thank you." Rodney's lip is starting to bleed, and he sounds short-tempered "Yes."

"How about nine to one?" John asks.

"Possibly." Rodney blinks furiously trying to clear his mind, "Pranos was right. The center stone is the only one that locks into place. All the others must move around it. I'm just trying to think of a combination that makes sense with five in the middle."

Rodney often talks out loud to think things through but he isn't used to someone else butting in.

"15." John speaks with confidence, "it's got to have something to do with 15… or 9, or 5-"

"Shut up" he says harshly. Rodney can't keep his calculations straight like this. Then, a little regretfully he adds, "Please? I'm trying to think."

"I'm not going to shut up, Rodney" John's body is tense and his voice incredulous. "My life's at stake."

"Exactly, so simmer down, and let me save it!" Rodney wishes he had time to be polite but he just doesn't. He presses his sore lips together and gives John a dire look; John isn't paying attention.

"You ever heard the term two heads are better than one?" John argues.

Rodney's chest is on fire, he shouldn't be so angry at John right now but he is. "That's a common misconception." He snaps, and returns to biting his lip to keep himself from screaming.

"Give me the gun." John directs himself to Kolya, "I'll shoot him myself."

"This is taking too long. Choose and go." Kolya warns.

Rodney's anger flares at a more appropriate source, "What, you got somewhere you got to be?"

"Choose and go." Kolya is adamant.

"I got nothing." Rodney whispers back to John in terror.

John stares at the stones a moment then dismisses him, "Thanks for the pep talk."

'I'm so sorry John, so sorry, please forgive me'. Aloud he mumbles, "Nine to one. It's all I can think of."

He stares at John in remorse, but John is studying the stones. 'God help me. Don't let these be my last words to John'.

"Okay. Step back" John orders.

"I'm sorry." Rodney whimpers.

"I'm not dead yet." John still won't meet his eyes.

Rodney tries to sound convincing for John's sake, "Yeah." He steps away but he breaks back down, again confessing, "Sorry."

Now John is left alone with the stones and Kolya orders him, "Major. Now."

Nothing happens for a few breaths and Rodney is wondering if he can try to tackle Kolya. He would get shot, but John might make it. There is so much blood in Rodney's face right now, his temples are throbbing. His eyes are getting watery and he wants to scream. He has to stop this; He is going to stop this.

"I got it!" John suddenly exclaims.

"What?" Rodney starts back toward him.

"The Brotherhood of 15." John sounds excited.

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.

Rodney anxiously moves closer, "What about it?" His head leans over John's shoulder hopefully.

John sounds sure when he speaks, "The numbers 1 to 9 can be put in a 3-by-3 grid so that they add up to 15 in every direction.

"Oh, you're right." Rodney's face lights up. Amazed he asks, "How'd you know that?"

"It was on a Mensa test." John smiles a little sheepishly.

"You're a member of Mensa?" Rodney is stunned.

"No," John is still looking at the stones and answers reflexively, "but I took the test."

"When?" Rodney can't quite picture the John he knows willingly taking a test of any kind.

John suddenly seems conscious of Rodney and turns to look at him, "You want to talk about this now, Rodney?"

Yeah. He kind of does. How could he not know that the Major was a math whiz? Why did John let Rodney make all those digs about his intelligence and never say anything back. It's worse that John is off-limits now because this is such a huge turn-on.

It makes Rodney respect him even more than he already does. While Rodney looks up at John's graceful stature, he has the impulsive thought that he would really love to kiss him right now. And he doesn't kick himself too hard for thinking it because John almost died and he can't be responsible for fleeting thoughts under such stressful situations.

Before he can do anything stupid, Rodney turns his face away, "Right. Right. Okay." He helps John arrange the stones then back again.

He is still quivering with fear and anticipation, but the scream that has been sitting in his chest has dispelled. Rodney's eyes, still a little glassy, shine with relief when a ZPM emerges from the medallion. John is still alive.

Breathing a sigh of relief, John nods a signal to Teyla and Ford. A stun grenade immobilizes the Genii and the team takes them out in hand-to-hand combat. Rodney would join in the fight but he wasn't expecting this, he can't even see straight after that flash grenade.

"I can't believe you never mentioned the Mensa thing." He tells John on the way out.

John steadies the rope, "I took the test. I never joined."

"But you passed?" Rodney asks, somehow knowing it is true.

"Yes." John answers offhandedly as he continues his rope work.

Wondering if John would be interested, Rodney offers, "Well, you know we have a chapter on Atlantis. You could become-"

"Rodney, Rodney, up the rope."

By the tone of voice, Rodney can tell that is the last thing John would ever want to do.

.  
.

Things go downhill after the team recovers the ZPM from Kolya. Allina and her people decide to take the it back into hiding for religious purposes, so the whole mission was fruitless.

Once they get back to Atlantis, there is worse news. 3 Hive ships have been detected on long-range sensors. Without a power source for weapons or a shield it will be pretty impossible to mount a defense.

Rodney has an idea in the staff briefing. It isn't a viable defense against the kind of all out assault they will soon face, but rather, a message in a bottle. A way to send detailed intel back to Earth in a high compression data wave.

If Rodney is able to harness their remaining power sources simultaneously, he may be able to open the gate back to the Milky for approximately 1.3 seconds. He tells them that he could include a massive amount of information in that data burst.

"All that in one second?" Ford in unbelieving.

John corrects him in mock seriousness, "1.3"

"You jest," Rodney winces at John. "but if I can finesse the compression ratios, you'll be looking for things to add."

Elizabeth thinks it is worth trying. "Do it." She orders.

Rodney jumps up from the briefing table, "Doing it".

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* * *

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John catches up with Elizabeth on the way out of the briefing room to remind her that if the SGC was able to send help, they would have already done so. They are going to have to face these incoming Wraith ships on their own.

She is resolute, "We have a responsibility to warn Earth."

"Even if it's last thing we do?" He questions.

"Especially if it is the last thing we do." Elizabeth remains confident.

John leaves with Teyla on a recon mission to gather intel, gating to a planet along the course the Hive ships are taking. He has orders to stay in stealth mode and not to try to take on any of the Wraith ships that are culling the planet.

He had repeated the command to Elizabeth like he was committing it to memory, "Don't take on an alien armada single handedly. Understood."

Once on the planet, Teyla introduces John to some of her friends. Knowing they are soon to be attacked, she instructs them to come to the cloaked Jumper if the Wraith arrive.

"I can't make that promise." John clarifies to Teyla and her friends.

Teyla face is cold as she asserts, "It will be the very least we can do."

"If there's time." John attempts a concession hoping it will be enough for Teyla.

Once they are alone again, John reminds Teyla that this wasn't supposed to be a rescue mission.

She entreats John to understand, "If someone close to your family…"

'Sorry Teyla, can't help you there, I don't have a family.'

She continues as if responding to his thoughts, "A dear friend, was in danger of being taken by the Wraith, would you have not done the same?"

"Not if it jeopardized the mission." She can't know that John has already done the same, back in Afghanistan. He disobeyed orders and went back in under fire. So no, he thinks, it's not that simple Teyla. John keeps his face hard.

As Teyla tries to appeal to him emotionally, John's face remains impassive but his eyes are haunted, "You can only fight the battles you can win."

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* * *

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Elizabeth seems pleased by the efficiency of Rodney's data compression and the extra time it will allow for expedition members to leave personal video messages to their loved ones back home. Rodney smiles politely and heads out of the briefing to get back to work.

She stops him on the way out, asking gently, "Rodney, you don't want to send a message to anyone?"

To who? His cat? Instead he plays the part of the overworked martyr, "You know what, maybe with all my spare time I'll just record a message myself, hmm?"

Rodney tries deflecting the question back to her, "You?

"Yes."she says sincerely.

"Good. Good." Rodney punctuates to let her know that the conversation is over.

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	19. I'm sorry we weren't closer

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Rodney has only slept 6 hours in the last three days so he is not at his personal best when he begins recording his message. Fluffing his hair a bit, Rodney clears his throat, and stands tall.

"This is Dr. Rodney McKay speaking to you from my base of operations in the lost city of Atlantis, located," he gestures dramatically, "deep within the Pegasus galaxy. I record this message on the eve of our darkest hour. As I speak, an alien armada of biblical proportions is on its way, bent- dare I say hell bent, in keeping with the metaphor- on our destruction."

Feeling clever Rodney smiles, "We will do our best to stave off the attack, but I am afraid that defeat is all but inevitable. I, and the other members of my team, face the most horrific deaths imaginable as our very lives are… are sucked out from our chests in a- in a…"

Rodney curls his hand toward his chest for effect "a horrific... "

Uh. That's not good. Don't want to go out looking like a coward. Waving his hand in front of his face, Rodney motions for a time out.

"Okay, um… Okay, starting again, starting again."

Pacing a bit to find his bearings, Rodney returns to face the recording device with a bright smile.

"And in 5, 4, 3… My friends, I'm Dr. Rodney McKay of the Atlantis expedition, and as the facts of our heroic struggle against the Wraith and our untimely demise are already known to you, in that light, I'd like to pass along some final thoughts. Now, my extensive education, training, and firsthand experience in the field of astrophysics has given me a unique perspective that few on Earth, or, ah, well, any other planet, for that matter- can match."

He takes a self-satisfied breath and continues, "I'd like to take a few moments now to pass along that perspective to you."

Fumbling with a stack of index cards he states, "I'll begin with a few observations on a subject that is both near and dear to my heart."

Smiling with sleep-deprived confidence He pulls the top index card out, "Leadership."

But Rodney's thoughts quickly digress from his subject entirely. He sits down and forgets about the recording, rambling about the people he has loved in his life and how none of them had really returned his affections.

April Bingham, a cute blonde who he'd lost his virginity to, after a disastrous first kiss that had given him Mono. It had taken Rodney a long time to work up the confidence to sleep with her even once they were officially an item. She had been nice but after graduation she went to another college.

Philip, Rodney doesn't mention him by name, but just describes him as another blonde in college. He thought it was love while it lasted, but it turned out the feelings weren't completely mutual.

After college there was a lot of rejection. Rodney muses, maybe it's just really hard to meet people in his field. There were a handful of women that he'd dated but only one that seemed to care for him much, Kendra. She had ended things eventually, just like everyone else.

He doesn't mention Steven or the drunken encounter in a gay bar that he regrets to this day. And he leaves out his last actual relationship, which he shudders to remember. Alex was too cruel and Rodney's participation in whatever that had been was just sadomasochistic, proof of his own self-loathing.

Switching gears Rodney thinks about another cute blonde- Samantha Carter. He'd never dated her but if he had spent more time at the SGC, maybe. He hopes. He really prefers women with shorter hair and a kind of boyish charm about them.

"Mmm... He gets wistful, "Samantha Carter, if you're watching…"

Placing his hand over his heart, Rodney sighs. "The torch is still burning. Sadly, soon to be extinguished, but ah, you know, you should know I think you are just so... Well, you're great, you're really, really great.

And I would go so far as saying you're the hottest scientist that I've ever worked with. In fact, there is not a night that goes by that I don't find myself, uh… "

 _'What the fuck is he talking about?'_ Rodney winces to himself. What is it with him and blondes?

Well, there had been that brunette in Antarctica. Sheppard.

Out loud, Rodney says, "Let's get back to um, leadership."

He certainly isn't going to talk about whatever happened between him and John on tape. The Major had just breezed into his life and easily pushed past his defenses, made Rodney give himself over entirely. Despite the fact that Rodney knew it wasn't safe. Despite the fact that he was still so damaged from everything that happened with Alex. Rodney had given John everything; he had felt so much for him. He still does.

Even once it was over Rodney couldn't stop feeling, watching himself helplessly fall in love with the Major. The cold, unreachable Major who cares for him as little as any of the others have. It's been like watching a disaster in slow motion, one that he still doesn't know how to put a stop to.

There has to be more to him than this? Rodney thinks to himself, he can't really have spent his life with so little connection. Brightly he remembers his cat and begins to extol the virtue of the feline companionship.

"Cats are self-sufficient, they're dependable, you shake the box, they come running. The cynic would say it's because of the food, but my cat, see, I truly believe that he enjoys my company. There's something very comforting about coming home from work at the end of the day and having a familiar face waiting for you, you know?"

Rodney stops his reverie for a moment realizing how pathetic he sounds. Most people would probably have an actual human face greeting them at home not just a cat. He reaches back for the index cards.

"I digress. Where was I? Uh… right. Leadership."

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* * *

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.

The wormhole the Wraith have kept open finally closes. John moves to dial the gate out before they can block them from making it back to Atlantis.

Teyla is still furious with him even though he waited for her friend to meet them at the rendezvous point as long as they possibly could.

She was furious even before he made the call to leave, looking at John as if he were some kind of heartless bastard, "What else do you want from me?" he'd asked.

"Too much, I fear." she had answered like he was a man beyond redemption.

But John's waited as long as he can. He has his orders. Elizabeth was clear that he was to gather intel only on the progression of Hive ships making their way to Atlantis. He knows from bitter experience; you can't save everyone.

Teyla grabs her gun and tells John he can leave if he wants, but she is staying behind to search for him.

"You can't do that." John orders.

She spins angrily back to face him, "I consider Orin as family, Major. I am sorry if you do not understand what that means."

John doesn't have a family, he lost that a long time ago. But he knows what it's like to think you've found something to replace it and then lose it again.

He's been here before, it sounds disingenuous but he tells her, "I understand, Teyla, but that's not the point-"

She is unmoved "With or without you, I am staying." She runs out of the Jumper to go help her friend.

 _'Dammit He can't leave Teyla behind.'_ John leaves the cloaked Jumper and goes after her towards the sounds of weapons fire and people screaming.

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* * *

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Rodney's rambling has digressed again. He is morose, bemoaning all the things he will miss out on… due to dying. He knows he sounds whiny; listing inconsequential items, rather than anything really matters.

What really matters?

"My sister…" He sits back up alert again, "Jeanne, it's your brother, Rodney. Obviously. I want to say, um… I want to say something, uh… Family is important. I've come to realize that, because the people here have become a sort of a, kind of a, surrogate family to me. -Now, I know what you're thinking. I've never really been the poster child for that kind of sentiment, but when contemplating one's own demise, one tends to see things more clearly."

Rodney realizes the immense honesty of what he has just said, how much he cares for everyone on Atlantis, especially John. He resolves to get over the emotional hang-ups he has, forgive John for not loving him, and salvage the friendship if he can. In whatever time they have left, that is.

He continues magnanimously mostly to his sister, but also to John, "I really do wish you the best, you know, and I'm sorry we weren't closer. Perhaps, um… If by chance I make it out of this, perhaps one day we _can_ be, and I would like that."

Rodney is overcome with emotion for a moment and he snaps himself out of it, "Now, if there's time I'd like to go back to the subject of leadership."

But there isn't time. The recorder has stopped. Huh. He can't believe how fast that went by. Rodney sets off to give the tape to Ford, since he's in charge of compiling the personal messages. Ford seems surprised since he has been the one recording short messages for everyone, even more so when Rodney explains he recorded a whole hour.

Admitting it may need some editing, he muses, "See," "I found it rather therapeutic, actually… Now I'm fairly confident I've come up with several valuable insights. In fact, I'm sure of it… but, uh, I've only slept 6 hours in the last few days, so, um…" Rodney waves his fingers next to his temple to indicate his possible diminished capacity.

"Who's it for?" Ford asks.

Rodney lifts his eyebrows considering the question, "Humanity in general, my sister… Look, I don't expect you to cut it down to just a few minutes. I mean there is gold in here. So just make sure mine's last, and that way if it gets cut off, fine… but, ah, if the gate holds the connection for a few extra milliseconds, then we won't have wasted the time."

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* * *

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After returning to Atlantis with Teyla's friend and a small contingent of survivors from the culled planet, Elizabeth asks if John would like to record a personal message for anyone on Earth.

Reminded that he has no one there that would miss him if he lived or died, John answers "I'm good", looking away uncomfortably.

She tells him that she has already recorded personal messages for the family of the team members they have lost, but she wonders if John could say a few words about his fallen commander Sumner.

Remembering how he shot Sumner in the chest to end his final moments of suffering at the hands of the Wraith, he blinks a few times, feeling a heaviness ache through his bones. He supposes it's the least he can do.

.

.

Unsure of who to address, John speaks to the camera, "I'm not sure if Colonel Sumner's parents are still alive. I'm not sure he even has a family back there."

John explains, "Not all of us do..."

He takes a breath, "But if he does have family, they should know that he died with honor and courage in the performance of his duty. He carried the burden of a leader, and he carried it well." _'A far more capable leader than John's ever been.'_

Trying to think of what else he can say about this man, John continues out loud, "I didn't get the chance to know him well…"

"But I know this." John speaks more confidently now, "Considering the type of man he was and what we're up against? Yeah, I wish he was still here." _'Instead of me.'_

Saying a stilted "Goodbye", he stands up because he can't talk to the camera anymore and he has to be alone.

God, this fucking train wreck in his head is too loud right now and he has to be alone. Sumner was the better man and John shouldn't even be here.

Taking a moment to compose himself in his quarters, John tries to quiet the noise. He has to do something about this twisted mess. He knows he doesn't deserve to be here, but he has to stay strong. He can't be thinking about all the dead or missing people from his life right now.

Or Rodney. Fucking Rodney won't even talk to him.

This is not how John wanted it to go down. He hadn't meant to hurt Rodney, not again. _'Focus John'_ There is nothing to do but pull himself together, no other choice. John has to stand alone and stand strong, the way he always has.

Unless… There is that therapist Heightmeyer… No. Out of the question. John will handle this on his own; he can't risk anything getting out. He can't seem weak. Besides, he's never been good at talking about stuff.

John paces and calms himself enough to turn the volume down in his head, at least a little bit. He is actually looking forward to the coming fight. That's when he's at his best, in the midst of action and chaos. There is no noise then.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Everyone is busy searching for a way they might be able to fight off the Wraith. There is so little time, Rodney has allowed himself only short naps. He blinks at his computer screen… so tired. Maybe he'll close his eyes and rest for 30 seconds to recharge.

His mind drifts and Rodney thinks about how therapeutic it felt to ramble on camera. He wonders if that is what therapy is like. Maybe he should consider speaking to the expedition therapist Dr. Heightmeyer.

God knows, Rodney has a lot of issues to work out. He's really screwed up over this thing with John. And probably still massively screwed up over everything that happened with Alex. But Alex is one thing he'll never talk about with anyone. Ever. For now he just has to drink more coffee and get back to work. It is going to be another late night with little to no sleep.

He opens his eyes and keeps typing. His hands move over the keys methodically as he looks over the Ancient schematics, searching for something, anything that might prove be useful to defend the city. He stops typing, feeling someone looking at him. He turns his head to the doorway.

John.

Rodney hasn't seen much of him lately. Since the incident where John had pushed him against the wall and screamed at him, John's been pretty scarce around the lab. He doesn't step inside, but just looks at Rodney from the hall. He has dark circles under his eyes. They probably all do right now, but John looks… worse.

Standing uncertainly, Rodney joins him in the hall. He gives him a wary look. John says nothing but presses his lips together and looks down. Then John whispers, but it is nearly inaudible.

"What?" Rodney doesn't want to risk walking any closer to him.

John's eyes dart around the hallway anxiously. There is no one here but he walks forward, away from the view of anyone in the lab. Cautiously, Rodney follows. Then John edges closer to him, keeping about a foot of distance. He inhales and exhales slowly, closing his eyes, "Sorry."

Are they really going to talk about this now? Rodney doesn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry." John gazes steadily at Rodney with wide eyes. He looks ragged, like he really means it.

"Oh. Um. I'm sorry, too." Rodney blinks and looks down.

"No…" John's tone is sorrowful, "you don't… I'm the one who should… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Lifting his gaze, Rodney sees John is still staring at him with those haunting and unreachable eyes. Rodney wonders if his own face looks as faltering as it feels. Probably. He has always hated how expressive his face is.

Oh. Then Rodney realizes John is waiting for an answer. "Um, it's okay?"

Lifting his eyebrows uncertainly, John bites his lip and knits his brows together, "Uh, maybe we could hang out again, one of these days…"

Rodney gives a small nod and John continues, "You know, maybe just watch a movie or something?"

"Yeah." Rodney finds his voice. "Okay, a movie."

John gives a weak smile and Rodney isn't sure what else to say. They look at each other awkwardly for a moment, then Rodney offers John an out, pointing his thumb back to the lab, "I should probably…"

"Yeah, I know, me too." John nods.

Rodney turns to go but then spins around, "Hey. I'll… See you later."

"Yeah, later." John smiles more enthusiastically.

.

.

So John wants the team to go check out an Alpha site as a possible location for evacuation. To to get out of it, Rodney makes up a valid-sounding excuse about working on the control chair. It is a legitimate problem. Trying to determine if, uh, they can siphon off enough of the city's power to use the weapons array.

It just so happens that right now Rodney is not actually working on the chair –not that it would have worked anyway.

Rodney keeps an eye out on his way to Dr. Heightmeyer's office; he doesn't want anyone to know that he came here. Once inside Rodney feels even more ill at ease, maybe this was a bad idea.

He's never liked the way Heightmeyer looks at him. She is attractive enough but he dislikes her way of seeming concerned and be smug at the same time. If someone is going to be smug, Rodney prefers they do it honestly. As long as she doesn't say anything than it should be okay.

After some preliminary greetings, Rodney asks if he can lie on the Freudian style couch rather than sit across from her in a chair.

Heightmeyer responds, "Well, I usually prefer, especially if I'm meeting with someone for the first time, for it to be face to face." She looks like she's used to people doing what she tells them to.

Rodney lies down on the couch, "I just have a few things I need to get off my chest-"

"Yes, Rodney what brings you here?" She rudely interrupts.

"Well, if you would just stop talking," Rodney is annoyed already, "I was about to tell you… Obviously I'm very stressed. I have a very important job here. Lots of people depending on me-"

Heightmeyer interrupts again, "And how does that make you feel?"

"If you would just shut up, I was about to tell you." Rodney's voice is sharp.

Her reply sounds condescending, "Well Rodney, it's my job to ask questions and-"

He waves his hand, "Can you just try to keep it to a bare minimum please. I'm not looking for a lot of input. I just need to be able to talk. Something I can't do, if you are interrupting me every time I open my mouth."

Offering a compromise, Heightmeyer suggests, "How about I let you get whatever you need to off of your chest, and then you let me talk to you and ask some questions".

"Fine." Rodney sighs, "30 minutes is better than nothing."

She is talking again, "I didn't say-"

"Talking now." Rodney lifts a finger, "As I was saying, I have a lot of stress that I need to vent about. Work. Well, everything is work. The people I work with. The people who work for me. It's all very problematic, and, uh, I wish it was as easy as it is with my cat, but, uh…

You know, my cat is the one person, well, I realize he's not really a person, but he actually likes me. Other people, not so much…

And I know you could say that is my fault, for being so caustic, but I can tell you, they've never liked me, either way. This way, at least I've got something to defend myself with. I just don't understand why it's so easy for some people, everybody likes them…

My whole life I've been alone, toiling under great pressure, completely underappreciated. Am I bitter about it? Sure, a little. But, what else can I do? It's not like you can force people to like you. Can you? I mean, is there some magic solution?"

Heightmeyer doesn't answer and Rodney leans up to look at her.

"Did you want me to answer that question?" She asks.

Rodney leans his head back on the pillow, "Well, it was a question wasn't it?"

"No," Heightmeyer sounds hesitant, "I don't think there is any magic solution, but sometimes talking through our feelings can help us discover-"

"That would be a no, then." Rodney speaks over her, "It's fine, I'm a genius, if there was a solution, I would have come up with it by now. So, that means I'm just left with this terrible, alone… feeling.

That doesn't go away. Only, now it's worse than ever, and I don't mean because we are all going to die soon, though that is a consideration. But no, just the empty, empty, nothing that pervades all existence…

Well, not everyone suffers from it, apparently, but some of us are smart enough to realize the futility of emotion." Rodney sighs, "Futile emotions yet trapped nonetheless by their soul crushing impact…

I, I, don't even think it's a low self-esteem thing, because it's actually true that no one has ever cared much for me. And, and, I seriously doubt they ever will. It's just a fact, one I have to live with. Still, I suppose self-esteem is a consideration…

Well, I don't have any, so that would be more like negative self-esteem. Which is surprising when you consider how brilliant I am. But emotionally, it's a real mess…"

Rodney has accidentally given Heightmeyer too much of a gap. She asks, "What would you say, is bothering you most?"

He isn't sure how much he wants to reveal to her, "I… I, don't know. That isn't enough? The meaninglessness and futility of existence?

I mean, I suppose… There is one person in particular that I'm having problems with… Someone I have… feelings about… They don't have feelings for me … They don't feel the same way about me."

"That sounds painful." Heightmeyer is saccharine.

"Yes, of course, it's painful!" Rodney makes a noise of frustration, "Why else would I have bothered to come here? Maybe this was a mistake."

Heightmeyer holds her tongue and Rodney continues," It's all… just so fucked up now. There's other stuff… Stuff that happened in the past that… it still effects me –And no. I don't want to talk about it.

It's just hard to separate it all out. The way I feel about myself… It's, ugh. I just want to stop feeling anything, I don't… I don't know what I'm doing with this person. I can't stop myself from wanting more, but that's never going to happen."

Rodney snaps his fingers a few times, "Okay. Yes, That's the reason I'm here. That, that, wanting more, and, and, and the way it feels. I don't know how to stop it…" Rodney sighs and is grateful Heightmeyer keeps silent.

He begins again, "I, uh, I want to stay friends, because, in a way he-they, this person, is the closest friend I've ever had. It's pathetic I know, but I haven't had a lot of friends, so… There's that.

But over the last year we've gotten pretty close… There was even a time when we were… more. I don't know exactly what it was… I guess, they were pretty aggressive about seeking me out. I was flattered, and I let them… sexually… Well, it felt sort of good but also bad. I felt empty and used afterwards.

But then it stopped; I guess they were done with me. Which isn't that surprising, since thats how it always ends. You know? When they're done with me. But, ah, this time, it was different. We still spent so much time together… It felt so… so close, you know? I let myself start to think…"

Rodney puts a hand over his eyes, "I… fell in love… and, now I can't get out of it. I can't stop feeling this way. I feel like I screwed everything up, with the friendship, I mean. I, uh, kind of made a move… and it was, uh… painfully bad. The reception, I mean. Probably the move, too.

But I'm angry about it… I don't understand exactly… I just feel toyed with, drawn in and then pushed away. Literally, pushed away. And I think if I had a friend who… maybe felt more for me than I wanted… I just think I would have been nicer about the whole thing. I don't know, it would have been awkward either way, but I mean, the way he-"

Realizing he has made a slip up, giving away the pronoun, Rodney decides to continue without addressing it, "It was bad. The whole thing was been bad. And then they waltz back and start acting like nothing ever happened. It's too confusing. I haven't had a lot of experience with friends, but it feels like… I don't know. The way they act with me is… confusing…"

"That sounds confusing." Heightmeyer comments.

"Uh." Rodney refrains himself from an acerbic retort, "Yeah. Confusing… I doubt I'll live long enough to have to worry about it much longer, with the Wraith attack imminent, but… I've been keeping my distance… but I don't want to anymore.

After he apologized, I just had to admit to myself how much I've missed him. It doesn't matter if it hurts, I just want him. In whatever limited way I can, I mean. But it just hurts… all the time. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to stop caring so much. I don't suppose you know some way to achieve that?"

"No, I'm afraid it isn't that simple." She answers, "But as I was saying earlier, sometimes talking through the process can help alleviate the feelings, or help us move through them."

Rodney gets distracted and irritated by the rest of the session. Heightmeyer can't seem to stop asking rhetorical questions and offering simplistic platitudes. He felt better when he was talking to himself alone in a room. After the hour is up Rodney does not make another appointment.

On his way out he sees Teyla and quickly makes up an excuse he hopes sounds plausibly believable, "I was just, um..." Rodney lowers his voice to a whisper, "We're seeing each other."

"You and Dr. Heightmeyer?" Teyla looks skeptical.

He steps out into the hall so as not to be overheard, "Well you know how much I love women with great, um… minds. And uh, just don't say anything to…" He catches himself before he says 'John', instead saying "anyone"

"Your secret is safe with me." Teyla says with a seriously bemused expression on her face.

"Right. Very good. Excellent." Rodney hopes to God this lie doesn't get out. It would be even more of an embarrassment than admitting he needed help with his emotional problems. He bolts before anyone else sees him in this corridor.

.

.


	20. So long Rodney

.

.

With their last hope to stop the Wraith ships gone, they are out of options. It's time to evacuate to the new Alpha site. Rodney had done the best he could, even managing to revive the long dead Langrangia weapons satellite, but it was only able to take out one of the Hive ships before they destroyed it. John stands next to Elizabeth to arm the self-destruct codes; he enters them and it is done.

The alarm begins blaring. Elizabeth orders Rodney to dial the Alpha site but before he can complete the dialing sequence to the site, an incoming wormhole opens with Stargate Command's identification codes. They drop shields immediately and run down to the gate.

John is stunned when military personnel begin streaming into the room with supplies. A man named Colonel Everett introduces himself and unceremoniously relieves them of duty.

Rodney's face lights up, "You got our message."

"We got your message." Everett answers.

As the Colonel dresses them down, ordering them about like minions without explaining his plan, John is kicking himself for wishing earlier that he wasn't the military commander on Atlantis, "What exactly is your job, Sir?" He asks.

Taking charge of the situation, Everett's voice booms with confidence, "I should think that would be obvious to you by now, Major." He gestures his hand with authority pointing at Sheppard. "We are going to defend Atlantis at all costs."

Rodney pieces together that the SGC must have found another ZPM and Everett affirms that it will be arriving in their new spacecraft, the Daedalus, in 4 days; they only have to hold out that long.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney works with Zelenka to hook up the new Mark II power generators Everett brought for the weapons chair. Still, he's uncertain if they are going to be able to tie in the generators, powerful as they are, into the Ancient power system. The technologies just aren't truly compatible.

His body is aching from lack of sleep, practically delirious, but the adrenaline keeps him afloat. His mind wanders to the first time he saw John on a chair, back in Antarctica.

Blinking heavily, Rodney realizes he is going to need something more to keep him awake. After a quick bite and some stims from Carson, he brings the doctor back with him to see if they can power up the chair. The generators are hooked in, but he is getting grouchy because Carson can't operate the chair the way John can. No one can make Ancient tech work like John, but Carson isn't even trying and it's driving Rodney crazy.

"I'm serious. Major Sheppard's your man." Carson keeps trying to convince Rodney that he can't do it.

"Of course he is." Rodney swallows, feeling sad.

He wishes John was his man, but that one… is unreachable.

Again Rodney thinks back to the first time he ever saw John, in a chair just like this one. Rodney had been instantly attracted to him, mesmerized. He flushes thinking back to the wonder he felt when John actually wanted him back, the way John felt inside in. How he made Rodney helpless to his touch.

Now everything with John is just so… Ugh.

Rodney wishes they were back in time, maybe not Antarctica but later when he and John had become, well, almost friends. When everything between the two of them seemed… almost perfect. Back before certain destruction from the Wraith was bearing down on them. Rodney blinks himself back into focus; he's got to make this work; it may be the only way to save the city.

Telling Carson that John is out deploying space mines, Rodney complains that he is stuck having to do this with the doctor instead. After some continued verbal chiding on Rodney's part, Carson finally properly sets his mind to the task at hand and brings the chair to life.

But once Rodney gets some preliminary readings, he realizes that the weapons drones have been nearly depleted. They were expecting thousands but only a few dozen remain.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John begins to understand why Everett has been treating him like a pariah when he takes him aside to inform him that Colonel Sumner was a close personal friend of his. _'Of course. He read the mission reports Rodney sent back in the data stream'_

He glares at John, "I cannot for the life of me, figure out how it is that you could go as far as you did and not save him."

A warm shame rises through John's body, he presses his lips together and lowers his eyes.

Everett continues, "How you could get that close-"

John speaks up, "By the time I reached Colonel Sumner-"

"Worse," Everett takes command of the conversation again, "you admit to firing the shot that killed him."

Raising his voice to be heard, John explains, "Because I believed that's what he wanted me to do."

His face full of contempt, Everett steps closer to John, "You knew him that well, did you?"

Answering more softly, John shakes his head, "You weren't there, Sir".

"I wish for his sake, I was." Everett moves in, inches from John's face.

He matches Everett's stare, trying to hide his shame and uncertainty, but eventually he breaks, admitting, "There isn't a night that doesn't go by where that moment doesn't play in my head…"

John's lip curls downward betraying his disgust with himself, "And every time it does-"

Before he can finish throwing himself at the Colonel's mercy, a radio call interrupts his confession.

He'd been about to admit everything. How he'd failed Sumner, just like he'd failed everyone… How he was never good enough for this command, that he is as worthless a soldier as Everett thinks him to be.

"We'll finish this later." Everett promises menacingly, and tells John to man the chair for the incoming wave of Wraith Darts.

Atlantis goes dark waiting for the storm… and then bright colors cross above the city, lighting the sky with weapons fire. The siege has begun. Rodney is already in the weapons control room getting the chair synced with the generator when John races in.

"McKay, fire it up!"

"It'll take a minute." Rodney is short.

"We don't have a minute." John reminds him.

"Look this generator can only power the chair because it operates in a state of barely controlled overload- "

"Just get the damn thing working."

"That's what I'm trying to do." Rodney says through clenched teeth.

The city starts to shake with larger explosions…

"You've got power, go!" Rodney shouts.

John leans back and takes control, slipping into peace; he can feel the city, he can feel the drones, he guides them strategically without any effort.

Visualizing the whole battle that is happening above, he directs the remaining drones where they are needed, filling in the empty gaps in the other defenses Everett has deployed. He gets the last Dart as it is trying to make a getaway, then sits back up and smiles at Rodney.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney doesn't know why John does this, but it goes beyond the military or trying to save people's lives. It's a good cover, but Rodney knows John likes this, likes playing Russian roulette with his life as often as he can.

John always seems at his best in a crisis, riding the wave of adrenaline, but there really is something so wantonly reckless about him that it's suicidal. Rodney wishes he could reach beyond John's wall and find out why.

The first wave of the assault is over but the main ships haven't even arrived yet, the city is crawling with the Wraith that beamed down from the Darts earlier... and John's plan? John's plan is to kill himself. Well, technically to fly a Jumper into a Hive and detonate it with himself and a nuke inside. But if Rodney can configure the weapons chair properly, he thinks it could be used to remote control the Jumpers and save John from himself.

Using stims to keep himself going on no sleep, Rodney finishes configuring the chair and nuclear devices into the Jumpers just as the Hive ships drop into orbit.

"McKay!" John waits impatiently in the chair for something to happen while Rodney struggles with the generator.

Rodney yells back over the din of weapons fire. "There's something wrong, power levels are dropping."

The city is taking a brutal second assault and Rodney can't get the power to come on line.

"Rodney, nothing is happening." Zelenka points out.

There is another explosion and Elizabeth yells into her radio, "Why are there no Jumpers in the air?"

"We must have exhausted the Mark II's energy output. It's dead." Rodney answers.

The city is being pummeled by explosions and Rodney is desperate, "There's got to be a way too…"

He looks up in time to see John's lithe figure slip out of the chair. He is almost out the door before Rodney can process what he heard him say as he was leaving.

"So long, Rodney."

 _'So long, Rodney?'_

Jumping to his feet in a panic, Rodney screams, "MAJOR!" But John has disappeared down the hall.

 _Goddammit John._ Rodney is trembling a little bit from the stims, but mostly because he knows what John is about to do. Fuck. Rodney paces, shaking like a leaf.

No. Oh God, John... This can't be happening; Rodney has to stop him.

He runs as fast as he can to the control room.

.

.

* * *

.

.

As he pilots the cloaked Jumper up towards the Hive ship, John's mind slips back to the moment when he was sitting in the briefing room just a day or two ago. It's hard to say when exactly... it's been so long since he's slept. John was listening to Rodney explain his plan for saving Atlantis by reviving that Ancient weapon satellite. The one above the planet where Rodney'd saved his life.

Then he thinks back to the mission on that planet where the Wraith had almost ended up killing him. After Rodney had saved him, there had been that moment in the back of the Jumper. John had let his guard down and hugged Rodney. It's not the kind of thing he'd ever done before. It had only been for a few minutes, but they had seemed to last an eternity... Right now John can't ever remember feeling better than when he had Rodney in his arms that day.

There is something about Rodney that makes John want to be closer to him than he should. There is something about him John finds so irresistible. Like when Rodney gave that briefing about his plan to revive the satellite. God, he'd looked so handsome. John hadn't been able to keep his eyes off him. When Rodney's all excited about something, just he gets so...sexy.

Maybe it was the copious amounts of caffeine they were all drinking to stay awake at that point, but Rodney had never looked more attractive to him. Rodney's soft skin seemed to have a certain glow about it; his arms muscular and toned folded confidently in front of his chest, his blue shirt hugging his body in a flattering way.

From his perch, John took it all in without really listening to the details of what Rodney was saying. It was the way he was saying it that made John stare.

Since everyone else in the room had their eyes trained on Rodney it was the perfect opportunity to enjoy fantasizing about his body. He eyed the way Rodney's light brown hair framed his boyish face, the way the pitch of his cheekbones matched perfectly with his nose and jawline, the eyes so blue and expressive. John's gaze lingered on the lips, wondering what it would have been like if he'd let McKay kiss him.

He's never kissed a guy but he imagines somehow with Rodney it would have been good.

His eyes raked down the rest of McKay's body and John he had let himself imagine it all. The kiss and everything else that would have come after.

Closing his eyes. John stops himself from thinking about what might have been and snaps back to the present moment. _Focus John._ He has a lifetime full of regrets and now is not the time to think about them. Now is the time to fight to the death, like a good soldier.

.

.

* * *

.

.

When Rodney reaches the control room John is already gone, speaking over the radio to Elizabeth, "You know, if this thing works somebody might have to do it again."

Rodney turns away from the others because he can't hide the grief on his face.

"Understood." Elizabeth replies.

Disbelieving she would let him do this he is stunned, "You let Sheppard fly that Jumper?" He turns to her with growing horror.

She gives a slight nod and he looks at her with complete betrayal. Elizabeth lowers her eyes and Rodney wonders why. Is it out of shame that she would sacrifice him for the city? Or maybe it is pity for the pain she sees on Rodney's face... He turns away again unable to look at her anymore.

But she doesn't give him a reprieve; Elizabeth is resolute. She orders Rodney, "Help me arm the self-destruct, in case this fails."

He follows her to the front console, obedient, but looking at her darkly. There is a lump in his throat that he is trying to swallow as he punches in his command codes. The alarm begins to blare and when Rodney looks over at Elizabeth again he sees her as she has never been before.

Steel resolve, cold and hard. The power she exudes is impressive, almost like a wicked queen from a fairy tale. Rodney has never feared Elizabeth before, he does now. The lump in his throat is getting bigger and his eyes are getting too watery. He will have to be careful about blinking and keep his eyes wide or they will spill over.

"They haven't detected my approach." John is speaking over the com again, "The weapon is armed and ready. I'm going in."

Rodney feels numb, pacing but trying to sound professional as he reports to Elizabeth, "Detonation in 5, 4, 3, 2..."

There is a flash on the view screen that confirms the explosion of one of the Hive ships.

It is over. John is lost to him, gone forever.

Some kind of chasm has opened up in Rodney's chest; he can feel it gaping, like he must be bleeding out on the floor of the control room.

"He did it." Elizabeth says with pride.

"Yeah." Rodney can't move, his voice bitter and sad, "He did it."

John's last words haunt him, _'So long, Rodney'._

.

.


	21. Trainwreck

.  
.

Carson turns around and gives Rodney a sympathetic expression, but it is cut short by another sensor alarm.

Rodney opens his eyes wide, blinks and looks up to keep the tears from falling. He can't believe John is really gone he never got the chance to say goodbye. There is so much he wishes... Rodney's eyes swim and the voices in the control room blur. He thinks he hears someone say "Sheppard."

"John?" it sounds like Elizabeth is asking a question.

And then Rodney hears a voice "What other Sheppards do you know?" The response is wry and sounds an awful lot like John.

Carson clasps his shoulder in relief, saying, "Oh thank God."

"No, no, it can't be." Rodney walks forward in disbelief with the stray tears still in danger of falling, "We saw the Hive ship go up."

An unknown voice speaks over the com, it's the Daedalus, they say they have John; The voice introduces himself. "Colonel Stephen Caldwell, Commander of the Daedalus. We are ready to assist you."

Swallowing hard, Rodney knows he is not going to be able to hold back the emotion now, he falls forward, clutching at the console in front of him.

"Oh thank you." Rodney gasps.

Collapsing into the chair nearby, he pulls his hands over his face to hide some of the unbidden tears that are falling down his cheeks. He can hear the self-destruct being aborted and Elizabeth speaking to Caldwell. He's got to pull himself together.

"Dr. McKay?" Rodney flinches when he hears Caldwell address him and quickly rubs his eyes with the butt of hands. Bolting out of the chair, he is upright again.

"Present, yes." He answers, blinking furiously to fight back the tears still threatening to spill.

Caldwell beams down the ZPM for Rodney to place into the Atlantis systems. And Rodney's smile returns as he gleefully explains to a surprised Carson how the Daedalus has been outfitted with Asgard beaming technology.

John's warm voice speaks into his earpiece, this time addressing him directly, "Rodney. What do you say we get the shields back up?"

His face is flushed with happiness and an ear splitting grin. "What say we." Rodney pulls out the coveted ZPM. The world is suddenly so beautiful.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John helps the Daedalus take out the remaining Hive ship, but some small remaining cruisers jump to hyperspace and escape. They try to destroy the small Darts that have already been deployed, but they are regrouping and headed straight for Atlantis. It looks like the Darts are making a suicide run on the unshielded city, and Daedalus is too far out of range to help.

There is no way of knowing what is happening, not with all the interference from the explosions. John can't get Atlantis to come in on the coms. It is the first time in the last few days that he has been truly afraid. What if Rodney never made it to the power core with the ZPM? The city is infested with Wraith and John isn't there to protect him.

"Atlantis, this is Sheppard. Come in." He feels an icy grip in his chest.

"Atlantis?" He feels hollow but keeps asking, "Elizabeth, I repeat, this is Sheppard. What is your status?"

Finally, Elizabeth's voice comes through, broken with static, but alive. "We're still here. That's our status."

"Don't scare me like that." John goes limp with relief; Rodney must have gotten the shields up in time.

.

.

When he beams back into the gate room, he calls out sarcastically "Well, I'm home."

Elizabeth walks up to him, stops a few paces away, and then clasps him in an unexpected hug.

Stunned, John just stands immobile with his arms to his side. He has not had a lot of experience with physical displays of affection in his life. Of course there was his mom before she died, his ex-wife Nancy, … and that time with McKay. That had been the best hug ever.

He starts to wonder if Rodney had felt as uncomfortable as he does now. But John immediately knows the truth, when he had hugged Rodney… Rodney had really been there with John… really connected with him.

John isn't much good at connecting with people and he can't connect with Elizabeth, though he knows he should, given everything that has just happened. He stands woodenly and tries to lift a hand to pat her back.

 _'Train wreck'_ , he thinks, wincing internally.

"Yes, you are." Elizabeth stands back beaming at him.

For a minute it seems she is answering his thoughts. Then John remembers that she is just replying to his statement about being home.

"I truly thought…" Elizabeth shakes her head.

"Yeah, yeah." John cuts her off, "I thought the same about you a minute ago. We gotta stop that."

"I'd like that". Elizabeth's smile is bright.

Although he tries his best to match it, there is barely any expression on his face. John wants to get back to the business at hand but Elizabeth tells him, "Before you do anything… Colonel Everett insisted on speaking with you. He's in the infirmary."

He finds Everett in poor condition, frail and aged beyond his years; his life almost completely drained by a Wraith.

John keeps it professional updating him about the military situation but Everett tells him, "I wanted to finish our conversation."

"Yes, sir." John bites his lip and swallows, bracing himself for what is coming.

"I owe you an apology." Everett croaks.

Surprised, John tells him, "No, sir you don't."

Everett continues in a weak whisper, "I think I have a pretty good idea. I would've done the same thing as you did when you found Colonel Sumner. That's what I wanted to tell you."

"Well none of that matters right now, Sir." John doesn't know how to process this amnesty he feels he doesn't deserve.

"I'm trying to say… I wish you had been there for me." Everett looks emotional and closes his eyes to hide his pain.

Never been good with emotion… John feels hollow again. He tries to think of something reassuring, "You're going to be fine, sir, once you get back to Earth…"

"I said what I had to say. Get back to work." Everett dismisses him.

Pulling back from the bedside slightly, John looks intently at the Colonel and gives him a stiff, deeply respectful salute. "Yes, sir."

He hopes Everett will understand that.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney walks with John toward the briefing room. Not everyone has arrived yet. Instead of sitting down, he walks out to the balcony to see the sight of the sky on fire. John follows behind him.

Pools of angry weapons impact radiate out. A multitude of red, orange, and white ripples against the cool blue arch of the Atlantian shield. Rodney stares up silently feeling the presence of John next to him. Things almost seem normal for a minute before Rodney remembers the circumstances. It will be a matter of days before their new ZPM is completely depleted.

He looks over to John and sees his profile peering up at the sky. _Too impossibly handsome_. Rodney sighs and looks back at the lights shimmering above. He can't help but think about the night they had laid down together, looking at the stars. Before Rodney had tried to kiss him and everything went so wrong. It had seemed so right at the time.

"Momento Mori." Rodney hears himself say the words before he realizes he has said it out loud. Uh oh. That might be a bad memory to invoke.

"Right." John sounds weary but not at all upset, "This might be that day, huh?"

"I hope not, " Rodney frowns thinking of the 12 new Hive ships currently attacking with the Daedalus now grounded on Atlantis, "I'd, I'd personally like to live long enough to have a few more victories… there's a lot left I'd like to…"

"Yeah." John makes a face, "If those cruisers hadn't gotten away, we could have stopped them from sending reinforcements."

"We don't know that, we have no way of knowing how many more are already..." Rodney trails off realizing he's not making things any better, "What I mean is, it's not your fault."

John lifts his brows wearily.

No matter how dire things might be, Rodney is just glad that John is alive. For now he is alive, "Listen, I wanted to say... When I thought you were gone I... What I mean to say is, I'm, I'm really glad your not."

Turning his head, John looks pensively at Rodney, "Me too. -I mean I'm glad you made it. I was worried earlier maybe you didn't."

"Well, we're both here." Rodney offers awkwardly, "For now."

John gives a small snort and looks up at the glow of weapons fire raining down on them. "Sure."

Rodney glances at John before lifting his head back up, "Almost pretty isn't it"

"Almost..." John sounds thoughtful, "but not quite."

Yeah. Not quite. They should probably head back in for the briefing.

As the group of them discuss their limited options, John poses an abstract idea about making the city disappear that sparks an idea for Rodney.

Using the cloak from a Jumper, they could fake a self-destruct with a nuclear reaction… Then as the smoke clears, it would seem like the city had been destroyed.

"What about the displacement issue?" Zelenka asks.

"Coplaner emulation, that's the easy part" Rodney sniffs.

"Okay." Zelenka persists, "What about the hard part?"

Hard part?" John asks as if he can't believe any of this is so easy for Rodney.

Rodney explains that the cloak and the shield cannot be activated simultaneously, which means they will be exposed to the Wraith if the deception does not work.

Since Teyla was recently able to use her trace amount of Wraith DNA to link with a Hive, she guesses she may be able reestablish a mental link as she has done it before. If she can connect to the Hive just before detonation, she may be able to convince the Wraith that Atlantis intends to destroy the city rather than let it fall into enemy hands.

Caldwell assures them that the shields on the Daedalus should be sufficiently recharged by the time they are ready to cloak the city, in case they need a backup escape route. And so the plan is set into action.

.

.

Rodney and Elizabeth stand in the control room as the nuclear bomb detonates, waiting to see if the Wraith will be able to see through their deception.

Suddenly, the Stargate goes active and Elizabeth turns to Rodney, "What the hell?"

Before he can answer, John comes running into the control room and joins them at the console.

Out of breath, John asks, "Where's Ford?"

As a Jumper lowers into the Gate Room, Rodney states the obvious. "I assume that's him in the Jumper."

"Can they detect that?" Elizabeth demands.

"I don't know." Rodney admits.

John runs down to the open gate and Elizabeth tells Rodney to shut down the wormhole. But he can't; the Jumper has assumed control.

"Ford, stand down. This is a direct order." John's voice is commanding and loud. He stands right by the gate staring at Ford through the Jumper window.

He knows John's been hunting for Ford ever since he escaped the infirmary by pulling a gun on Carson. Rodney doesn't know what John sees when he looks at Ford, but John's face looks defeated and empty.

The Jumper flies through the gate and Ford is gone.

"Where the hell is he going?" John turns back and stares at Rodney; his face is red and angry.

"It won't matter if the Wraith can detect the gate activity through the cloak." Elizabeth's says with a tense expression.

"There's only one way to know." Rodney looks up at the ceiling expectantly.

They all stand in silence waiting.

Then Caldwell radios to announce that the Wraith fleet is breaking orbit.

"I think they bought it." Rodney confirms the readings with relief.

John just stands at the gate, staring and holding the stunner as if he's on guard. Rodney watches as Elizabeth makes her way down to him. He can just make out what she is saying.

"The gate address will be in the log. There's still a chance…"

"Doesn't matter where he goes." John answers, "The second he gets to wherever he's going, he's gonna ditch the Jumper, turn around and dial another address, one we can't trace."

"We'll find him."

"Maybe." John sounds unconvinced.

"Hey." Elizabeth speaks forcefully, she waits for John to turn his head, "At least we're still around to try."

And Rodney hears John try to give Elizabeth what she wants from him, "Yeah." But the expression on John's face makes Rodney's stomach lurch; they've just escaped certain death but he's never seen John look so defeated.

Sighing, he leaves to go get some long overdue rest.

.

.

Back in his quarters Rodney keeps seeing John's face, the despair… But it seemed there was something more, a kind of self-loathing. Is he imagining it or could Rodney see behind the mask, is John really slipping?

Rodney realizes he can't sleep like this. He grabs his laptop, thinking of an excuse to check in on him. He has never come uninvited to John's quarters. Not unless you count that time with Chaya… when Rodney semi-stalked him.

That doesn't really count; besides, he hadn't actually tried to enter John's quarters. He had just been, lurking… nearby.

This is a flimsy excuse, but Rodney can't let go of the idea that John needs him right now. He takes a deep breath and heads for the transporter. Before he can change his mind, he rings John's door.

There is no answer. Probably John is already asleep. Rodney feels foolish, but just in case, he calls out, "Major?"

"Come in." John's voice is clear and dead calm.

The door opens and Rodney steps in cautiously. John is sitting on the edge of his bed, the long stunner still in his hand. The way he is staring blankly ahead is deeply disturbing.

He is surprised John isn't asking him why he is here.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Rodney offers tentatively.

"Shouldn't you?" John is still staring at nothing, his voice impassive.

"Yeah, well," Rodney laughs nervously, "yeah, I, uh… couldn't sleep?"

John turns his head heavily to look at him, his expression is blank. There is nothing in his eyes but Rodney feels the storm behind the mask, something dark and haunted. John is hanging on the edge; he can feel it. It was the right thing to come.

"Look, uh, I actually brought something. I don't know if you're too tired but I have this movie on my laptop. And I just thought if you were awake…?"

"Sure." John nods from his stupor; looking down at the stunner in his hand, he furrows his brow as if he is just realizing he forgot to return it to the armory.

"Tomorrow." Rodney steps forward taking it from him and resting it against the wall.

John suddenly slumps forward with his face in his hands, his body seizes up in tension.

Rodney sets the laptop aside and sits next to him, "John?"

"He was just a kid" John's voice comes out choked, "Only 25."

Rodney knows John must feel responsible for Ford in some way because he's a military guy and he supposes that how it must be when someone is under your command. But the way John is acting it's like he thinks it's his fault. But why would he? Ford had fallen in the fight to retake the city, tumbled over the edge of the railing while a Wraith was feeding on him.

The enzyme the Wraith had injected into his system had extended his life long enough to be rescued but Ford hadn't been the same person, not with whatever that drug did to him. Rodney shudders thinking of how Ford's face had looked, one eye pinched and scarred with a pupil completely black.

"It's not your fault he was able to disarm one of the marines guarding him, that enzyme changed him, made him stronger."

John stays rigid and doesn't say a word.

Trying again, Rodney ventures, "I know you were looking for him the whole time, you didn't give up on him. You did everything you could."

"I was so close. I found him, tried to talk him down." Fisting his hands into his hair, John squeezes his eyes in a grimace, "Whatever I said, it wasn't the right thing." John leans his head back and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"I had to try to stop him with the stunner..." John looks over to the Wraith gun, "I shot him. And the look he gave me before he got away, like I'd betrayed him..."

"But you know you didn't right?" Rodney prompts, "He wasn't going to let us try to wean him off the enzyme. He thought it made him better."

"Should have seen it coming." John mumbles. "Could of saved him but..." John's body slumps back down, "should have saved them all."

"But you did save us, most of us and..." trailing off Rodney has a feeling that he is missing something.

John turns to look at Rodney squarely and he sees everything on John's face now, pure self-loathing and utter despair. Rodney wonders if this is what John hides behind his impassive mask and empty smiles.

He stares right through Rodney as if he has almost forgotten he is there, speaking in a ragged voice, "I've failed too many times, so many people I've lost count."

Not daring to touch John directly, Rodney pulls at the edge of his sleeve, "But you've saved so many. You've saved all of us here, more than a few times."

With dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep, John shakes his drawn and hollow face, "Not enough. Not when it mattered."

"You're not thinking straight. You're too tired to-"

The cold expression John gives him stops Rodney from continuing.

He swallows hard wondering what kind of life John had before he came to Atlantis, "Okay, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think I know you well enough to say that I know you're loyal and brave, and, and you'd do pretty much anything to save any of us here... including blow yourself up with a nuke."

"I shouldn't be here, Rodney." John shakes his head, "I shouldn't be the guy who people trust to" he lifts a hand weakly, "to do _this_."

"Well, you probably won't be much longer."

John frowns his tired eyes up at him.

Rodney tries to joke, "You know, the way you're going, you're bound to succeed in killing yourself any day now, so why worry about it?"

"McKay." John presses his lips together into something that almost resembles a smile, he blinks down at Rodney's hand still clutching his sleeve.

Self-conscious, Rodney lets go; but John pats his hand, "So you came down here, after being awake for 3 days, to show me some movie?"

"Right." Rodney makes a hopeful grimace that his gesture has been appreciated.

"Right." John makes a fake serious face, "Must be really important."

Relieved to see John acting a bit more like himself, Rodney gestures to his laptop, "It really couldn't wait until the morning."

"Uh-huh" John bends down and starts taking off his shoes.

Unsure of what to do, Rodney picks the laptop off the side table and flips it open, "See, I thought it could provide some valuable insight to our struggle with the Wraith."

"The Wraith that just left?" John slides out of his jacket.

"No." Rodney waves his hand, "the other ones. The ones still out there. I thought, hey, instead of sleeping, Sheppard and I could get a head start."

John smiles at him in quiet amusement as he scoots himself to the far side of the narrow bed. "Lay down Rodney, get comfortable."

"Oh." Rodney's chest flutters at the thought of getting into the same bed with John. They haven't done that since they, well, since back when they used to do other things in a bed together, "Okay."

He looks down to his bare feet and long-johns, realizing that if anyone had happened to see him running through the halls he would have looked ridiculous.

"Take a pillow" John tosses one of his to the side of the bed closer to Rodney, "Seriously, what's this movie about?"

"Galaxy Quest? Well, it's not that serious, really. It's sort a of Sci-Fi action thing but also a comedy."

John is resting with his hands expectantly behind his neck, "Okay, let's see this movie, McKay".

"Okay, yeah." Rodney answers meekly.

Folding up onto the bed with John, Rodney lays down on his side. That is, if a bed this small can really have 'sides'. Careful not to lean too close to John, Rodney rests back on the pillow and props the laptop on his waist since there is nowhere else for it to go.

The movie starts and Rodney wonders if this is the kind of flick John would even like. What the hell? He'd liked 'Back to the Future', so his bar can't be that high.

As John watches, his eyelids look leaden. He isn't laughing yet but they haven't really gotten to the funniest parts.

It's all about character development. Rodney turns his attention back to the film, he's seen it so many times but it never gets old. He waits for a scene that he is sure will make John laugh and turns to look at him. John's eyes are closed.

Not wanting to wake him up, Rodney stops the movie. He closes the laptop and carefully sets it on the side table. He is about to sit up and get off the bed, when John whimpers in his sleep, curling in on himself towards Rodney. His brows are furrowed and his breathing staggered.

Rodney holds himself still. Then John pulls in tighter, shaking into himself and pressing his face and knees against Rodney.

Is he having a nightmare or is this just what it feels like to be John? Either way, Rodney can see that John is hurting. He drapes it his arm softly around John's back, praying that it won't wake him up.

John shudders a little and Rodney tenses, but then John relaxes and seems to cradle himself into Rodney's arm. He makes a moan, a muffled sound of distress and buries his face deeply into the side of Rodney's chest.

Pulling him in protectively, Rodney tightens his arm around John. John shudders again and then relaxes, deeply this time. His breathing gets steady, he sleeping soundly.

After days of no sleep, coming down off of the stims and coffee, Rodney stands guard; he doesn't mind at all. There are so many times that he has wanted to be closer to John and right now it feels like Rodney is close enough to comfort whatever is hurting him. He will lay here with his arm aching until John gets what he needs.

It's hard to say how much time goes by, maybe an hour, before John stretches his legs back out and begins to turn over. Rodney lifts his arm out of the way, holding it up and holding his breath. John looks peaceful, still sleeping.

Rolling carefully off the bed, Rodney tucks his laptop under his shoulder. He takes one last look to make sure John isn't going to wake from his slumber and then slinks quietly out of the room.

.

.


	22. This is not couch appropriate behavior

.  
.

Rodney can feel that he and John are close again… Maybe even closer than they were to begin with. It's intangible really, not just about spending time together. There is something different in John's manner with him since the siege ended, something less guarded.

He doesn't think John remembers anything about Rodney holding him that night they watched Galaxy Quest. John had been sleeping, or having a nightmare that he never really woke up from. But maybe subconsciously something has gotten through because John feels closer now.

Not long after the Daedalus leaves Atlantis on its return voyage. Rodney, John, and Elizabeth gate back to Earth for a standard debriefing. Well, not standard exactly, they have been out of touch with the SGC for a year now.

It feels surreal to be headed back to Earth so causally, after all this time. Rodney greets some familiar faces at the SGC then heads to the cafeteria until they are ready to debrief him.

What follows is an exhaustive review by some particularly annoying IOA guys. Rodney tries to keep his bad temper in check and eventually he is free to head back to his apartment. It will be a while before the Daedalus arrives on Earth. Atlantis doesn't want to waste the limited ZPM power on a return trip through the gate, so Rodney will get some well-deserved time off while they wait for their return passage.

Gathering the small bag of belongings he brought with him, Rodney makes his way to the elevator. As he walks to the lift that will take him the surface of the Cheyenne complex, John meets up to him in the hall.

"Hey." John has a tote bag over his shoulder and falls into step with Rodney.

Rodney smiles. "Hey."

"So, I was kinda hoping I could bunk with you while we're here." John suggests.

"Uh…" Rodney stops in front the elevator, "I only have a couch…"

John smiles lazily, "Sounds great. It's gotta be better than the military beds here on base."

"Well, I can't make any promises." Rodney frowns.

The lift arrives and they step in. John answers, "Understood."

Stargate Command has provided them each with a car to use, Rodney tells John to follow behind him on the way so he doesn't get lost. John insists he wouldn't, since he attended the Air Force Academy here, but he agrees to Rodney's plan.

When they arrive, Rodney leads John into his humble apartment.

Walking in, John lifts his brows, "You know Rodney You're a slob."

"Sorry, blah, blah, military" Rodney rolls his eyes.

John laughs and makes himself at home, picking up some of the items strewn on the couch.

"It actually is rather comfy, you know" Rodney admits as he grabs some the clothes and junk food off the cushions

Looking skeptical, John sits down and leans back, "Oh yeah. I thought so, this is going to be sweet."

Rodney nervously continues picking up stray items off the floor.

"Leave it, Rodney" John tells him.

He stops cleaning and sits on the opposite side of the couch.

John stretches his long leg and begins playfully kicking at Rodney's knees.

"Hey. Hey." Rodney protests, "This is not couch appropriate behavior."

"Sorry, blah, blah, appropriate behavior…" John pouts, "So what do you do in Rodney-land when your not fighting aliens in the Pegasus galaxy?"

Besides work, there's… Rodney tries to think; he's not coming up with anything.

"Anything you like to do for fun?" John offers.

"Well, there's my cat." Rodney blinks, "He's with my neighbor right now but…"

"The brunette?" John asks.

"Yeah, the brunette who thinks I'm jerk." Rodney nods, "That didn't work out so well."

"What did you say to her?" John gives Rodney a playful look.

"Oh, I don't know," Rodney shrugs, "the usual. Tried to ask her out."

"You going to talk to her while you're here?" John questions.

"Uh, to get my cat Binky?" Rodney thinks, "Maybe, I'm not sure if I want to get his hopes up. We're not going to be here that long, but I really have missed him. He's the best little guy…"

"So…" John looks amused, "other stuff in Rodney-land besides… Binky?"

He feels inadequate trying to think of something to impress John.

John breaks into Rodney's reverie, "We'll have to fix that and have some fun while we're here. There's a lot of stuff to do in Colorado Springs, golf, video game arcade, shooting range…"

"Golf?" Rodney makes a face.

Leaning forward, John asks, "Have you ever really played golf?"

"No." Rodney admits.

"Okay," John's eyes flash, "I'm going to teach you how to play golf, you'll see, it's a lot of fun. Do you have any beer?"

Rodney shakes his head. "Just coffee."

"Okay, we'll have to fix that too," John smiles lazily, "let's get some food and drink."

"I am hungry." Rodney confesses.

"You're always hungry." John grabs his keys off the table, "Come on, I'll drive."

"I am hypoglycemic, so… valid medical excuse here." Rodney protests on the way out.

When the two of them return, they stay up late watching TV and gorging themselves on some of their most missed foods. They entertain and amuse each other for hours. Talking and joking around with John is one Rodney's favorite ways to waste time.

Since he normally doesn't drink, Rodney gets sleepy from the beer. Before he goes to lie down, he brings John some bedding.

.  
.

A few hours later, Rodney wakes up. Too much beer, he has to pee now. He trudges to the bathroom. On the way back, he notices the glow of the Television and sees the back of John's head sitting upright. Is he still up?

Rodney walks over to the front of the couch and sees John staring all the TV. But he isn't really watching. He has the same look on his face as the night they lost Ford. Hollow, sad, self-loathing… John doesn't turn his head when Rodney sits down.

"Having trouble sleeping?"

"It happens from time to time." John stares ahead.

"Hey." Rodney puts his hand on John's shoulder.

When John slowly turns to look at Rodney, his mask is gone; there is grief and self-hatred written clearly across his face.

"Nightmares about Ford?" Rodney squeezes John's shoulder with concern.

His voice is raw when he answers, "Nightmares about everyone… not the first person I've lost." John's eyes look vulnerable and he lets Rodney see him.

Rodney nods sympathetically.

John closes his eyes and presses his lips together in a grimace of pain.

Feeling protective and not knowing what else to do, Rodney keeps his hold on John's shoulder, "We might still find him, and you did everything you could… You're very… strong, John."

"No." John opens his eyes and looks surprised. His voice is gravelly, "No, I'm not Rodney."

Rodney tries to argue but John cuts him off sounding gruff.

"No. I'm… just GONE. Like I've lost myself along the way, too. I'm missing something I should have… It's not the same thing as being strong."

"I mean, you've done a good job". Rodney moves his hand slowly over John's upper arm, trying to soothe him, "You couldn't have done anything more."

His eyes full of grief and bitterness, John stares at Rodney, "I've. Failed. Everyone I ever cared about."

Shaking his head, Rodney tries to disagree, "No-"

"Not to mention a lot of other people I was responsible for." John adds.

Rodney's eyes soften, "I think maybe you feel responsible for more than you really are."

"Thanks, but, ah…" John lowers his eyes wearily, "I deserve to feel guilty about the mistakes I've made."

"No. No, you don't. You absolutely don't." Rodney frowns in concern and shakes John shoulder urgently.

John looks up and places his hand over Rodney's. His eyes are sad and wistful, "Thanks, Rodney. I, uh, appreciate the…" He squeezes Rodney's hand.

Moving his palm gingerly under John's, Rodney turns it to hold John's hand in his. , Holding onto each other lightly, they let their hands fall onto the couch cushion below. Rodney moves his hand softly, trailing a finger over to top of John's hand, delicately caressing John's long fingers. John moves his hand uncertainly, returning the caress.

Rodney has never appreciated just how hard it must be for John to connect until now. He cherishes this little bit, this brief moment when John isn't pushing him away.

When Rodney looks back up at John, he cannot read the expression. It feels like something gentle though.

"Thanks, Rodney." John sighs. He squeezes Rodney's hand to let him know he is done, "I think I can sleep now."

"Okay." Rodney gives John's hand a final squeeze and reluctantly lets go, "If you… okay. I'm here if there's anything…"

As John moves to stretch his legs out under the covers, Rodney stands up. John looks adorable the way is hugging the blanket up to his chin.

"Okay. Goodnight." Rodney sighs.

"'Night" John closes his eyes.

.  
.

The next few days are in fact a lot of fun. John takes Rodney on all the promised adventures, and he shows no further signs of being distressed by Ford's disappearance. Rodney checks, late each night just to make sure, and John isn't having any nightmares.

Golf isn't something Rodney is very good at; but having John instruct him, having him hold Rodney's arms and teach him how to swing, is worth a day spend walking from hole to hole. All this time together, just the two of them, feels like such a luxury. And it will another 10 days before Daedalus is expected to arrive. Rodney is starting to come up with some excursion ideas of his own that might appeal to John.

Later that night while they are relaxing on the couch, Rodney tells John that he has elected to bring his cat home, even if it will be a short homecoming.

"Can't wait to meet him, after all the build up…" John smirks, "You worried about seeing your neighbor?"

"Well, I wasn't but thank you for bringing it up." Rodney rolls his eyes.

"How bad can it be?" John kicks Rodney playfully from across the couch.

Rodney twists his face into a frown and John asks, "So, what exactly did you say to her?"

"How should I know? People always think I'm a jerk anyway. When I'm nervous sometimes I get… I don't know, I might have started rambling about how I usually prefer blondes, but in her case I would make an exception."

"Oh, Rodney." John bursts into laughter, "You're priceless, but… Wow. You gotta get some better moves."

Glaring at John he insists, "I have moves. I have moves you don't even know about."

John keeps laughing and Rodney feels infuriated. He leans over and hits John a few times on the arm.

"Whoa. Whoa." John puts up his hands defensively.

"Just shut up." Rodney throws a few more uselessness punches at John.

Much to Rodney's chagrin, John keeps laughing at him, "McKay. Whoa. You trying out some of your moves, now?"

With a noise of fury and frustration, Rodney launches himself at John, attacking.

He feels John move effortlessly. His knees fold out from under him and Rodney falls on his back hard enough for all of the air to exit his lungs.

"Ooooph." Rodney gasps.

John has him pinned down into the couch. He is lying on top of Rodney with his body pressed tight against him. Rodney tries to move but he is helpless, he feels too vulnerable. John's body is pressed right against his... Oh God, why does John always act so intimate with him when he doesn't really mean it?

Rodney's breath comes in shallow as he looks up at John's face to see if there is chance he might mean it. John's eyes are mocking; clearly Rodney means nothing to him. His anger rises as he thinks about how John doesn't care how any of this makes him feel.

Then John snorts and laughs, "Yeah, I think I've seen your moves."

And that is too much, that is below the belt. Rodney's body gets stiff with the hurt he is feeling.

His voice is loud and low as he growls, "Get off."

John freezes and Rodney glowers at him, "OFF!"

As John jumps back into his seat, Rodney stands up shaking with rage, "You know what? There really is something wrong with you. Something important is missing.

I mean, you seem normal enough at first. It's like, they were passing out all the basic human components, 2 arms, 10 fingers… Oh. But they neglected to give you the necessary parts to from a heart."

"Me?!" John looked stunned, "It's not like I'm the one…"

Glaring at John with clenched teeth, Rodney internally dares him to finish whatever he is going to say.

John seems to think better of it and closes him mouth. His face is still but his eyes flash with anger.

Rodney isn't backing down. He isn't going to just forgive John for this.

They stare in a silent stand-off for a few moments, then John speaks, "Maybe I should I go."

"Maybe." Rodney's voice is steely.

Blinking at Rodney for another moment, John shakes his head, grabs his bag and heads out.  
All Rodney can do is stare at the closed door. This has been the closest he and John have been since that awful moment when Rodney tried to kiss him. Rodney really thought they were back to being friends.

But any kind of intimacy with John is impossible; he can see that now. Rodney is not going to feel guilty for lashing out at John. He deserved it.

Maybe Rodney had hit below the belt too, when he used what John had confided against him. Still, John started it and it was true… he is heartless. Heartless and uncaring and cruel, to toy with Rodney like this… And… Rodney still loves him.

He knows John won't be back, just like he knows John won't ever love him back. This is probably the end of everything. Rodney feels like a dry husk, hollowed out emotionally.

John is the one who owns Rodney's heart, and now that John is gone, Rodney is missing one too. He stands staring at the closed door. His chest hurts, he can physically feel the pain as if someone has carved his heart out with a dull blade.

Nothing has ever felt like this. Rodney has been heartbroken before, but this is by far the worst. This incurable, chronic heartache… Lifting his hands, Rodney can see that they are still shaking. What is he supposed to do now?

Walking over to the entertainment center, he flips through some of his old CDs. There are a few that have been traditional balms for him when he has been heartbroken. Then he finds one he hasn't heard in years. It seems like it would be perfect right now.

Grabbing his old portable CD player, Rodney climbs up to the roof of his apartment complex and lies down to look up at the stars. He starts with a classic Smiths song, 'How Soon is Now?'.

Then, Rodney pulls out an album by The Church, they have a song titled 'Under the Milky Way Tonight'. Rodney remembers it being sad and lovelorn, so he and plays it next.

 _Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty,_  
 _Sound of their breath fades with the light._  
 _I think about the loveless fascination,_  
 _Under the Milky Way tonight._

 _Wish I knew what you were looking for,_  
 _Might have known what you would find._

 _And it's something quite peculiar,_  
 _Something shimmering and white._  
 _It leads you here despite your destination,_  
 _Under the Milky Way tonight_

 _Wish I knew what you were looking for,_  
 _Might have known what you would find._

The song feels like an anthem for being heartbroken over John. He puts it on repeat, and stares up at the constellations of the Milky Way galaxy. The view up here isn't perfect, but Rodney can see the images of Hubble photographs, various galaxies up close in his mind. And while he grieves, the lyrics of the song seem so perfect. His chest wells with sorrow as he tries to understand this loveless fascination John has with him.

That's what it is for John, a loveless fascination. Why doesn't he just leave Rodney alone? He doesn't love him. Whatever it is that draws John to Rodney, it is clear he looking for something else. Something shimmering and white… Maybe something like Chaya. Whatever John is looking for, whatever his destination, Rodney knows it is not him.

Rodney lets the song wash over him. Maybe admitting it, feeling the loss so acutely will allow him some sort of release, an exorcism his own fascination with John. He lies outside for hours staring up at the sky until his eyes are too tired to keep open. But as he makes his way back down from the roof, Rodney knows that the love he feels for John will not be so easily abandoned. Still, this CD will be one of the things he brings back with him to Pegasus.

A few days later, Rodney gets a call from Elizabeth to catch up and ask him if he will be at John's promotion ceremony. Rodney is hurt that he wasn't invited even though he doesn't want to go. He plays it off well, explaining that he will be busy despite the fact he doesn't even know the date.

.

.


	23. I do have a heart, you know

.  
.

John was more exited about being promoted to Lieutenant Colonel than he thought he would be, but he can't shake the feeling he really doesn't deserve it. He had hoped to see Rodney there for the ceremony… Even though they haven't spoken since the night John left his apartment. He supposes they will see each other soon enough, when the Daedalus heads back to Earth in a few days.

Steeling himself emotionally, John knocks on the door of the house where Ford's cousin lives. His cousin Patrice greets him warmly and explains how close she was with Aiden, the guy John always called Ford.

"I want you to understand, as far as I'm concerned, he's still alive…" John explains to her, "Until I see evidence to the contrary, I intend to keep looking for him."

Patrice tells John that she doesn't want him to speak to their grandparents, she doesn't want them to get their hopes up in the face of such uncertainly. She wonders if maybe she should just tell them that Aiden isn't coming back at all, at least that way they can have some closure.

"We're- We're not there yet." John tells her, feeling heavy with the weight of responsibility.

Patrice examines him and speaks, "You know, Aiden mentioned you in that tape message he sent. He said you were a good man, that he trusted you with his life. You tell me, Colonel, was that trust misplaced?"

John stares at the floor for a long time before he answers, "I don't know."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney doesn't see John again until they board the Daedalus with all the new team members headed back to Earth. As the voyage commences, Rodney keeps his distance.  
Occasionally, they speak on the bridge but keep it professional.

As the 18-day trip draws to a close, it seems to Rodney that John is starting to try to be familiar and joke around again. He doesn't know if he's ready for that, even if it is just while they are working.

On their way back to Earth, just as the Daedalus begins to enter the fringe of the Pegasus galaxy, the ship itself seems to succumb to a malfunctioning computer virus. A couple members of the crew are killed. Hermiod, the alien Asgard on board, deduces that the virus, Wraith in origin, is to blame.

It has probably been dormant until they got close to the Wraith controlled territory. Now it is acting like an artificial intelligence, infecting most of the ship's systems and trying to take navigational control. This means until they figure out a way to get rid of it, they can't use the hyperdrive.

Fortunately certain systems, like life support, are isolated so it can't simply kill them by venting atmosphere. But the team knows they cannot let the ship fall into Wraith hands, as it would lead them directly to Earth and give them the hyperdrive technology to get there.

The ship has begun broadcasting a distress call to the Wraith. Rodney plans to wipe the virus by doing a full systems reboot. But it is going to take him some time to set everything up.

In the meantime, the Daedalus will be a sitting duck for any Wraith nearby. John heads to the fighter bay to pilot a ship and take out the communications array with weapons fire. The plan works; Caldwell congratulates John on a job well done and tells him to head back to Daedalus.

John voice comes in over the coms, "Oh, here's a problem. My controls aren't responding."

"Say again?" Caldwell asks.

"Well, the Daedalus is behind me." John replies, "I can't seem to turn around and… I am however, picking up speed."

Rodney is kicking himself, "I should have seen this coming. The navigational software on the F-302 is compatible with sub-light systems, which will be infected. The virus must have uploaded itself onto his ship."

"What about the transport beam?" Elizabeth suggests.

"That would work." Rodney brightens, "Those systems are still clean."

Elizabeth tells John that they are going to try to beam him out.

Rodney straightens back up from the controls to tell her there is a problem. He explains, "The transport beam is tied to an Asgard sensor. It's what we use to lock onto targets."

"So", Elizabeth prompts.

"So," Rodney continues, "so that particular piece of equipment was located in the array that we just destroyed." Rodney begins snapping his fingers in a brainstorm, "I can key the system to lock onto his radio signal. It's what they used to do on the Prometheus before they had Asgard sensors."

Caldwell is pragmatic, "You'd better do it quick because in about 3 minutes he's gonna be out of range."

Elizabeth radios back to Sheppard, "John, we've run into a slight snag. Rodney just has to make a few adjustments before we can get you out of there."

"Okay." John sounds unsure.

"Don't worry" Elizabeth assures him, "We're not about to give up on you yet."

When Rodney is done, Elizabeth speaks on the radio again, "We're going to use your radio to target the transport beam. We'll have you out of there in just a minute."

"Sounds good", after a moment John asks, "So, I'm still in range, right?"

Rodney covers his earpiece to keep John from hearing, "Truth is, it's never been tested from this distance."

"Rodney seems to think you'll be okay." Elizabeth bluffs.

"Well, that's good" John remarks, "Wouldn't want to leave any PARTS behind"

Rodney feels a pang of guilt; he never should have said that. If Rodney knew how to be any kind of friend at all, he would never have used that information against John. When he sees John appear on the bridge in a flash of light, Rodney is beyond relieved.

"Are you all right?" Elizabeth asks John.

"Yeah. Two arms, ten fingers." He looks at Rodney pointedly, "I'll check the rest later."

He vows to make it up to John and be a better friend, just as soon as he has this virus problem licked. While Rodney gets the system ready for another reboot, John offers his always unwelcome insights to Rodney's technological endeavors.

"This is what I do when I have problems with my laptop. I turn it off and then I turn it back on again."

"I think this is a little bit more complicated than that." Elizabeth smiles.

"I'm just saying, that if we're taking a page from the John Sheppard book of computer repair, we're really desperate."

Ignoring the critique, Rodney tells Caldwell to prepare for a full system shut down. When the systems come back online it looks like the virus has been destroyed. The hyperdrive will take time to get back online, so they head away from their current position at sublight speed.

But when the ship plots a new course, Rodney soon realizes that the virus has managed to return. Navigation has them headed straight for the coronasphere of a star. The trajectory will kill everyone on board while leaving the ship intact for the Wraith.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Knowing now that the virus can jump to the F-302's, John heads with Rodney to the hanger bay to pull all the memory storage modules from the small craft, so they can attempt another shut down. As they approach the bay, an access door seals in front of them. John starts for another door only to have it seal off as well.

"It's the virus." Rodney tells him, "It must know what we're trying to do."

"How is that possible?" John asks.

"It's thinking ahead, it's anticipating our moves, like in a chess match," Rodney answers.

"I hope you're good at chess." he quips.

Rodney sounds arrogant, "I don't get to play much. It's tough finding challenging opponents."

John gives a sidelong glance of disgust. Sometimes Rodney is just too insufferable. He thinks his mind can solve anything, maybe thinks it can compensate for his lack of other parts. John could probably beat Rodney at a game of chess, but he isn't so arrogant that he is going to brag about it.

Caldwell confirms that the entire section has been sealed off. So John tells him to use the beaming technology to send them inside the hanger.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Rodney interjects, "Wait a minute. The transport beam wasn't designed to beam from one point to another inside the ship. We could end of re-materializing half inside a wall."

"Well," John lifts his eyebrows dismissively, "we're just going to have to take that chance." He moves to stand next to Rodney.

"Right, of course." Rodney twitters nervously, "Why not?"

As John looks over at Rodney, he sees him curled in on himself, as much as any person can be, while still standing upright.

"Colonel, we're ready." John tells Caldwell.

They both arrive intact and take a few steps forward.

"It worked." Rodney looks at John with surprise.

A light starts to flash and an alarm goes off. The hanger doors start to decompress.

"Oh, boy." Rodney's voice sinks.

John turns to stare at him, and Rodney stares back.

There is no time to do anytime. This is it, endgame. The bay doors are completely open and the two of them keep staring at each other.

"We should really, really be dead right now." Rodney tells him.

"I don't feel dead." John answers in confusion.

They keep their eyes locked on each other as if they are in some kind of trance.

Then Hermiod comes over the com, explaining that he has raised a force shield to protect them, but it will not last long.

Both of them seem to break the gaze at the same moment, coming back to reality and the urgency of the situation. They separate and hurry to pull the memory modules as fast as they can.

Almost done, the shield looks like it is about to collapse. They scramble into the last unfinished fighter and pull the final module.

John speaks into the radio, "This is Sheppard. We're okay. We managed to get in the last F-302 before we lost atmosphere. Any chance you could beam us out?"

Elizabeth answers, "Sorry, John, we lost the transport beam. You're gonna have to sit still for a while."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney pipes up from the back seat, "We pulled all the memory units. Another shutdown should work."

Feeling a bit claustrophobic in the back seat, Rodney tells John, "You know, I've never actually been inside of one of these before today. It's a little, uh... cramped, huh?"

"Just relax Rodney." John sounds patronizing, "We're safe, for the moment."

Short of breath, Rodney's mind is racing, "Right. Quick question, though, just out of curiosity. How much uh, like, air do these things carry?"

"Lots," John says.

 _Great, imprecise as ever.'_ Rodney thinks, "I'm just saying because if this doesn't work and we have to come up with another plan, who knows how long we could get stuck in here and, so, it would…"

.

.

* * *

.

.

 _'Oh my God, shut up.'_ John is losing patience. Out loud he says, "You know what Rodney? You're exactly right, it's a limited supply. So why don't we conserve it by you not talking."

Rodney starts to make a noise from the back and John wags a finger at him, "At all."

The ship goes dark again from the reboot. When it comes back online, they are informed that the ship is still headed for the star.

John starts turning on the crafts flight systems and Rodney sputters, "What-what are you doing?"

"It's the last F-302, Rodney, the one we left behind. It's tracking us."

"Yeah, that makes sense, but we can't just go after it." Rodney sounds concerned, "We have no computer assisted navigation."

"I don't need a navigational computer to fly this thing." John reminds him, "Besides, we're not going far."

He speaks into his com, "Engine Room, this is Sheppard. Prepare to initiate another shutdown on my command."

Elizabeth asks, "John, What are you doing?"

"Getting rid of the last place the virus can hide."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney sits back into his chair with dread, and then tries to strap himself in "Wait, wait, wait. I haven't got my belt."

As John takes off gracefully and then arches the craft in a U, Rodney crushes himself into the seat. Flying upside down and headed in the direction of the other craft, a quick correction flips them upright again. Sometimes Rodney forgets how good John is at this flying thing.

He is still plastered to his seat when he hears an alarm, Rodney starts, "What's that beeping?"

"Somebody just locked into us. Hold on." John sounds relaxed.

The craft veers suddenly and Rodney stomach lurches.

Dear God, they are completely spinning now, it feels like free fall. John takes them into a series of wild dives, occasionally straightening out into some vector or another before flipping the ship in another maneuver.

It is methodical and chaotic at once. Rodney is impressed but wishes to God it wasn't him spinning out of control. Kind of like being around John himself.

"Whoa, what happened to inertial dampeners?" He asks.

John is concentrating and answers as an afterthought, "With these speeds you're gonna feel the tight turns even with the dampeners."

"Aghhh.", Rodney complains, "Now he tells me." The pin turns and sudden drops continue, not to mention the spinning, Rodney can't really see anything that is out there except the blinding sun. It looms closer and closer.

"We're just going to tap on the brakes here." John warns.

Rodney braces himself but lurches forward anyway. He swallows and hard to keep his lunch from coming back up. John would never let him live it down.

John sees something, "He's making a break for the coronasphere."

"Any point in mentioning that we have even less protection in this ship than we did in the Daedalus?" Rodney says with a sense of surrender.

"Not really." John replies.

"Didn't think so." Rodney answers as they speed even closed toward the star. "Is it just me or is it getting a little hotter in here?"

Transfixed, John tells him, "Hold on, I almost got him."

Rodney moves his hand in from of his face, to stop the blinding glare of the star. He knows John is trying to focus and this isn't helping, but he can't stop himself from talking when he's really nervous, "See, thing is, I have very fair skin. I tend to burn very easily.

"Just a few more seconds." John tries to sound patient with Rodney's complaining.

Biting his tongue, Rodney waits in uncomfortable silence while John tries to acquire the target.

Then John fires and the ship in front of them explodes. "Daedalus this is Sheppard. Target is destroyed. I repeat, target is destroyed. If you try one more shutdown I think it might just work."

Rodney examines his skin to try to determine how badly it has been burned, he is feeling too deflated to comment on the correspondence with the Daedalus. He will just wait here sinking into the co-pilot seat and trying to recover his dignity until the system wipe has been successful.

"You did great back there, Rodney." John's voice sounds more reassuring than mocking.

Embarrassed, Rodney feels like John is handing him a peace offering.

Then John asks, "Wanna take the stick?"

"Really?" Rodney feels touched.

"No." John answers a little sheepishly, like he hadn't really expected Rodney to take the bait.

Of course, Rodney whinges to himself, give the controls to the panicking coward. Maybe he had been too hasty in his earlier resolve to apologize to John. He settles himself in for the ride back and doesn't say a word.

.

.

He avoids John as much as possible for the rest of the short trip home. Once they are back on Atlantis, Rodney visits the infirmary. His skin is all red and burned from the encounter with the star's corona. Just like he knew it would be. John just looks burned as well but not nearly as bad.

Carson prescribes a cream and then Rodney is left alone in the empty infirmary. He sits for a minute or two thinking about everything that happened on the trip back to Earth. He isn't sure how he feels about it. Does he want to apologize to John or is he still too angry? Probably… he should probably he keep his distance.

John walks in.

"Carson isn't here." Rodney waves his hand toward the door.

"I came to see you." John walks up to the gurney Rodney is sitting on.

He eyes the Colonel with a guarded expression.

"How's your, ah, skin?" John asks.

"Isn't it obvious?" Rodney narrows his eyes.

John bites his lip and Rodney feels a little guilty since John is trying to make nice.

"My nose is peeling." He offers.

Looking down, John tells him, "I do have a heart you know".

Feeling completely guilty now, Rodney fumbles, "I'm sorry I said that, I never should have-"

"It's just really, really…"

Rodney waits for him to continue.

John picks a word uncertainly, "Buried?... Under... stuff."

"Stuff?" Rodney asks softly.

"My ex-wife called it…" John looks uncomfortable and shifts his eyes around the room, "an emotional train wreck. So, I guess that's like, a lot of stuff twisted up and… buried under other stuff. I don't mean to seem so heartless"

John's eyes look open, like he is asking for Rodney is pardon him, to understand.

As he looks at Rodney beseechingly, John continues, "Because I'm really not, you know?"

"I know." Rodney sighs. He knows John has a heart; it just doesn't belong to Rodney. Not the way Rodney's heart belongs to John.

"Hey, it's not like I'm the poster boy for 'having a heart' myself." He smiles weakly.

"You've got a huge heart, McKay."

He isn't sure how to take that. Does John mean that Rodney's emotions play out over his face too easily? That he is thin skinned? That everyone can tell how he feels?

"You know you push people away when they try to get close to you?" Rodney blurts out an unpremeditated question.

"Yeah. I know that, Rodney." John winces.

"Right. Sorry." Rodney sputters, "I just wondered why."

"There are so many reasons I don't even know myself anymore..." John looks at Rodney without the mask of indifference. His eyes are haunted, "Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for… the way I am sometimes."

"No, no." Rodney shakes his head, "I'm sorry for what I said, I knew it was wrong when I said it. I was just angry. I know you have a heart... It's just… Sometimes I wish it was easier to be close to you."

John's eyes flash with emotion, something Rodney can't read. Suddenly he reaches over and clasps Rodney to him. Rodney is caught by surprise and his arms are pinned to his side, just like the first time John hugged him.

This time John squeezes Rodney deeply, like his life depends on it. Then he releases just as suddenly, saying, "Yeah, me too."

After letting go, John can't meet Rodney's eyes, and quickly leaves the room. Rodney smiles knowing that is probably as close as John can go, feeling touched and slightly sad at the same time.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John is making a real point to be more careful with Rodney. Sometimes he has let himself get too careless. And he doesn't like hurting Rodney. He never means to, but it seems to keep happening.

He can't forget the horrible image of Rodney sobbing on the shower floor the last time John fucked him. Rodney has never realized that John saw that, and it will stay that way. But John has never understood what he did so terribly wrong to cause Rodney that much pain. He had thought Rodney wanted it too. All the more reason to be careful.

And back on Earth, John had let himself act without thinking. He had pinned Rodney to the couch, just playing around… He never should have done it, and Rodney had been so upset.

John knows that Rodney was probably more hurt than he would ever let John see. Rodney… Rodney seems fragile, but in so many ways, he is strong, stronger than he seems.

And yet, the ways you wouldn't think Rodney is vulnerable, he is. So vulnerable.

Now that Rodney is letting John back in again, he is more cautious. He keeps more physical distance; he doesn't assume the same familiarity. They still play their games and laugh together but… John really, really doesn't want to hurt Rodney anymore.

.

.


	24. Aqua Velva

.  
.

Hurrying on his way to the Jumper bay, John is excited to have a lead that may allow them to rescue Ford.

In the corridor, Caldwell calls after him, "I was wondering if I needed to remind you that Lieutenant Ford is a significant security threat to this base." There is a hint of malice in his voice.

"He's also a friend in need." John replies.

"His condition forces him to seek out the Wraith." Caldwell continues, "If he's caught, he would compromise…"

John spins around and points at Caldwell, "Look. I'm going to find him and I'm going to bring him back."

With a sour expression, Caldwell tells him, "According to Dr. Beckett's report, there may not be anything that can be done to help him."

Walking back, John faces Caldwell, "With all due respect, Sir, I hope your not saying what I think you're saying."

"Lieutenant Ford has already proven resourceful enough to penetrate security and escape the city." Caldwell's face is grim, "I'm saying, if you encounter him and there's any chance whatsoever that his capture might prove elusive, you are duty-bound to eliminate the threat."

John pushes his lips together and looks hard at the floor.

"Lieutenant Ford may have been your friend, but he's not anymore. I know you understand. You'll do what's right."

After a moment Caldwell adds, "You didn't seem to have a problem with mercy when it came to Colonel Sumner."

Looking up sharply, John keeps his emotions in check while maintaining eye contact with the other man. There is no defiance in his eyes, only a shield to hide the pain.

The Colonel looks at John like he is waiting for him to sufficiently process his order. Then Caldwell his locks eyes in for the kill, saying lightly, "Dismissed."

 _'Got it. You outrank me, don't need to be reminded'_. John heads out, more slowly now, toward the Jumper bay.

.

.

The team arrives on the planet while it is still dark. John tries to get a reading from the Jumper but gives up, "Life-signs detector's useless".

"I told you so." Rodney says crisply from the co-pilot chair.

"Just preserving your streak of being right, officially?" John asks. He starts giving orders to the group. "Let's start a sweep. Teams of Two."

Rodney points out the window "Dr. Parrish believes that the indigenous plant life retains enough residual radioactivity absorbed during daylight to, uh, well, to screw up our sensors."

"Making it to perfect place to hide." John says as he walks to the back of the Jumper.

"Yes." Rodney calls after him, "Or, the perfect place to be exposed to dangerously high levels of solar radiation."

Halfway through giving instructions to his team, John wrinkles his nose in confusion "How come it smells like I'm on vacation here?"

He turns back to face the interior of the Jumper and sees Rodney rubbing cream over his face and neck.

"Mmm, could it be the simulated tropical aroma of cocoa butter?" Rodney trills.

"Strong enough for anyone within 5 miles to smell you." John cracks.

Rodney is flippant, "Oh yeah, like they haven't been tipped off by the Aqua Velva."

John's face flushes in the moonlight. That's right, Rodney knows what he smells like. He doesn't wear enough for anyone to notice unless they are up very close.

"It's dark." He adds more sarcasm to his voice to hide his embarrassment.

"Yeah", Rodney argues his point, looking at his watch, "and the sun will be up in 2 hours, 43 minutes, and 10 seconds."

"It's raining." John argues as he steps out into the clearing.

Rodney is undeterred, "So, we'll be cold and miserable. Look, the cloud cover will depreciate a small percentage of UV rays, but 95% of deadly is still deadly."

Major Lorne adds, "Dr. Parrish said a day or two of exposure wasn't going to kill us."

"Yes", Rodney continues rubbing has tropical sunscreen on his neck and face, "and Dr. Parrish has a PhD in what? Right, botany."

John splits the group into teams. He takes Teyla with and him informs Major Lorne, like he has won the booby prize, that he will be with McKay.

"Oh, lucky me." Lorne murmurs.

.

.

* * *

.

.

It isn't fair, Rodney's skin has just healed from his exposure to that star en route back to Earth. Now he must once more face exposure to possibly deadly radiation. He and Lorne search until the sun comes up. Then they head back to the Jumper to update Elizabeth.

Teyla and John have fallen out of radio contact and Elizabeth sends for some back up.  
When the reinforcements arrive, Rodney finds none of them seem to be taking his words of caution about solar radiation to heart. He seems to be the only person putting on a radiation suit to go back out.

"Okay, that- that's just reckless." Rodney is dismayed, "There are four suits."

Lorne seems exasperated, "Not exactly designed for moving through dense brush and rough terrain. Not to mention possible combat, huh?"

He sullenly pulls the bulky hood over his face and follows Lorne back out. The renewed search for Ford, Teyla, and Sheppard is not going well. Rodney is stumbling, he can barely keep up with Lorne in the heavy suit; his vision is almost completely obscured by his fogged up headpiece.

"It's so hot." he complains.

"Oh, come on." Lorne is impatient, "Step it up, McKay, would you?"

Rodney is weary, "I am moving as fast as I can. I'm very hot. Aren't you hot?"

"Actually," Lorne sounds cheerful, "I'm quite comfortable. But I'm not wearing a 50 pound rubber suit, am I?"

"I can't breath, I gotta stop." Rodney gives in and pulls off the headpiece, "Sweet relief. I think the- the fumes from the sunblock are making me dizzy." He pants, "I gotta -I gotta just rest here".

"Unbelievable." Lorne stops his pace and looks at McKay with disgust.

He sits down, resting against a large tree. Rodney has barely begun to catch his breath when Lorne stalks up to him.

"Okay, you've had your fresh air. Come on, let's go."

When Rodney protests and suggests they return to the Jumper, Lorne informs him that they have only been gone 15 minutes.

"Oh really?" Rodney looks at his watch, seeing his error "I thought… It feels longer."

"Wow, you must REALLY be some kind of genius." Lorne shakes his head.

"Well, as a matter of fact, I um…" Rodney struggles to get back up, "Wait a minute. See, why would you say that now?"

"Something has to have kept Colonel Sheppard from shooting you all this time."

Rodney feels small but jokes, "Yeah, yeah, like I didn't see that one coming, huh?"

Lorne is suddenly hit by a Wraith stun blast. Rodney didn't see that one coming.

He grabs the radio and screams "Mayday! Mayday! We are under attack. Lorne's been hit. I repeat we are under Wraith attack!"

Then he remembers his gun and pulls it out. Oh my God. It's Ford walking toward him.

"How about you drop your gun, I know what you're like with weapons. I wouldn't want it accidentally going off while it's pointed at me." Ford tells him.

He is speechless as Ford takes the gun from his hand. Ford is telling Rodney that he is fine, better than fine due to the Wraith enzyme and they are going to prove by rescuing Teyla and Sheppard.

"Right and you know where they are?" Rodney stalls.

"Yeah" Ford answers easily.

Rodney cocks his head, "Which way did you…?"

Gesturing with his guns, Ford makes conversation along the way, happy to hear that Atlantis wasn't destroyed. He asks Rodney, "Anything else happen since I've been gone?"

"Ah, Major Sheppard got promoted to Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard."

"Really?" Ford sounds pleased.

"Yeah."

"Good for him." Ford grins.

Rodney feels flat; he misses the Major. Things really haven't been the same between them in a while. It feels like the Colonel is someone Rodney doesn't know yet. He replies with a dull ache, "Yeah."

The walk is getting long and Rodney is feeling the sun. Ford keeps rambling about his plans and isn't making much sense. Rodney tries to get more information, "You say this guy has them?"

"Yeah." Ford replies.

"Well, what guy?"

"I don't know" Ford answers like he hadn't really considered it, "What do you mean, 'What guy'? A guy."

Ford tells Rodney he was on a planet scouting out the Wraith and this 'guy' was there. Then he digresses to talk about the enzyme and how Atlantis could create an army of super soldiers with it.

Rodney tries to reel him back, "You were saying?"

"What?" Ford is distracted.

"About the guy?" Rodney prods.

Ford explains that he followed one of the Wraith to this planet, thinking it would be easy to take out and harvest his enzyme. Ford figures the Wraith was chasing 'the guy'.

"How do you know?" Rodney asks.

"Well, he was running from the Wraith when I killed the sucker." Ford says proudly.

Out of breath again, Rodney stops, "Okay, so what does 'the guy' want with Sheppard and Teyla?"

"I don't know." Ford admits, "When I save them, we'll find out."

Trudging on wearily, Rodney suspects that Ford has no clue how to find Sheppard or Teyla. Finally he stops, folding his arms across his chest stubbornly.

"Why are you stopping?" Ford demands.

"Because I am tired and you have no idea where you are going."

"How do you know?" Ford backs up angrily.

Rodney gestures, "We've been walking around in circles for hours."

"So that's it." Ford's voice takes an edge, "You just give up? Is that it? That's what you do, isn't it? You just -you give up on your friends when they need you most!"

His heart sinks, "No one's given up on you, Ford. We want to help you."

Ford is getting more erratic, "I'm talking about Major Sheppard and Teyla!"

"Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard." Without thinking, Rodney corrects Ford, like everyone has been correcting him of late.

"Oh right…" Ford scoffs, "Lieutenant Colonel. So Ford's lost it. Ford's all crazy. Ford can't even remember a simple little thing."

"Hey, I never said that." Rodney tries to reason with him, "Although the fact that you keep referring to yourself in the third person does indicate clinical dissociation."

"You don't even know what a friend is, do you, McKay?!" Ford shouts.

And Rodney feels all the air leave his chest. He looks up at Ford bewildered and sad, thinking, he is right, he is so right.

"All you care about is yourself!" Ford declares.

The fact that he has hit a sore spot doesn't mean Rodney is going to concede defeat, he tries to sound unruffled, "Will you relax?"

"You relax." Ford sneers, "You're pathetic."

Rodney is feels his chest tighten again, Ford's words hit too close to the mark. Pathetic. That's what Rodney thinks of himself and how he imagines most people see him. It's what Alex used say…

Ford is still yelling, his words running all together, "You were always making fun of me. You wanna play a game? Pick on Ford? I could shoot you and leave you here to die."

"Shoot me?" Rodney is incredulous, "When did this escalate to physical violence?"

"You're the one who thinks I'm nuts!" Ford looks maniacal now, "I'm capable of anything. I could go off at any time."

"All right," Rodney steps forward defiantly, "you wanna shoot me? Shoot me. Fine. I don't care."

Strangely he feels like he doesn't care, but he ramps up the performance for good effect, "It'll just save me suffering one of the many horribly painful deaths I have lined up for me, having been exposed to this much radiation! And quite frankly, it just proves how far gone you are! Now, I'm heading back to the Jumper and you're welcome to join me!"

With that, he turns his back and begins the walk into the underbrush. He hears gunfire erupt all around him and cringes waiting to die. He doesn't seem to be hit.

"Are you crazy?" He turns around livid and screaming, "You could have killed me!"

"I'm sorry…" Ford looks confused and backs down, "Look, you don't know what it's like, almost dying like I did, having your friends turn on you, no one trusts you. I'm out here all alone."

Rodney feels a wave of compassion; he knows what it's like to feel alone. "You don't have to be alone, Ford. Look this drug is messing with your head. Just come back to the Jumper with me, we'll go back to Atlantis and Dr. Beckett may even figure out a way for you to keep your new superpower, all right?"

"You think?" Ford looks like he wants to believe him.

"Sure, why not?" Rodney hopes he is finally getting through.

But Ford is resolved that he has to find Teyla and Sheppard first, he tells Rodney to go back to the Jumper and he'll meet him there. Rodney can't bring himself to leave Ford like this and follows after him. He won't leave Ford alone. See, he can be a friend.

.

.

It is getting dark again and Rodney is struggling to keep up with Ford's punishing pace. Ford thinks he hears something. He suddenly shoves Rodney against a tree, gives him a gun, and leaves.

A few military men come through the brush moments later. Rodney waves his gun in the air, "Don't shoot, it's just me."

From behind Rodney somewhere, Ford shoots both of the military men with a Wraith stunner.

"What the hell were you doing? Those were our guys!" He exclaims.

"I can't trust them." Ford looks at the unconscious bodies in disdain.

"Oh, that's it." Rodney thinks it is time for some tough love, "Yeah, I've had it." He turns his gun on Ford trying to do his best Dirty Harry impersonation, "Just drop your weapons, now!"

"You're gonna shoot me?" Ford laughs.

"I will if I have to", Rodney keeps his voice steady, then with more determination, he adds, "Ford, I'm taking you in. Look, you may not believe this, but it is for your own good."

Ford's face goes dark and he brings his own gun up to match Rodney's. Rodney quickly pulls the trigger, shooting Ford in the shoulder in hopes he will drop the gun. Those shooting lessons with the Maj,- the Colonel, are really paying off.

But Ford barely notices, the wound does nothing but enrage him. He touches his shoulder and sees the blood, looking back to Rodney with murderous eyes.

Rodney takes off in a run, firing his gun in the air and screaming, "Help me! Help me!"

In his panic, he realizes he has fired the entire clip. He keeps running in the dark hoping he is headed away from danger, when some kind of a trap pulls him by foot and leaves him dangling upside down and helpless from a tree. He flails uselessly to no avail. With this suit on, he must look like a big orange target.

Ford catches up with Rodney laughing, "Well, look at you."

"Yes, look at me." Rodney tries to sound calm, "It's funny, huh?" He tries to simulate laughter but it sounds false and hollow. Shit, he has to try another tactic.

"You set this up?" He asks Ford, "That's clever."

"Wasn't me." Ford says wide-eyed.

"No, huh?" Rodney attempts a conciliatory tone, "Well, I'm glad we can both uh…" he waves an arm for effect, "still laugh about this together." Rodney emits another cartoonish sound that is meant to sound jovial, but comes out more like a bird cawing.

"Hey," Rodney suggests, "How about cutting me down now?"

"No," Ford shakes his head, "I think I'm still going to kill you."

"What?!" Rodney sputters, "What do you mean 'still'? When did this escalate to killing?"

"When you shot me." Ford replies in flat tone.

"It's a flesh wound! I knew it wasn't going to hurt you! You're -you're Super-Ford, remember?"

"You tried to kill me!" Ford is beyond his reach now, yelling and lifting his gun point blank to Rodney's head.

He knows he sounds pathetic, but Rodney pleads for his life, "You can't kill an unarmed, upside-down man!"

The gun fires, but again there is no pain. Opening his eyes, Rodney sees a strange man tackling Ford. This must be 'the guy'. While 'the guy' fights Ford, Rodney tries to free himself, but it is pointless and he gives up.

The two of them seem about matched and Rodney can't tell who is going to win, Ford or 'the guy'. The guy is huge, massive; they are fighting with knives now. Ford is reaching down for his fallen gun, and then Rodney hears John's voice issue a warning.

"Lieutenant... Don't." John is pointing his gun straight at Ford.

Ford looks indecisive. Some Wraith Darts fly overhead and Ford uses the distraction to run.

"Ford!" John runs after him.

Rodney looks at the guy. Yes, a very, very big guy. "Hi. It's Dr. Rodney McKay." he reaches out his arm as if to shake hands, "Could you get me down, please?"

The man looks feral and fierce, eyes and teeth flashing in the dark, like some kind of barbarian. Rodney wonders if he is going to try to eat him.

.

.


	25. Just sayin', I think you could do better

.

 **.**

Back on Atlantis, Caldwell reprimands John, "You had him in your sights and you let him get away."

I shot him once. It didn't slow him down." John tries to offer an excuse.

Rodney pipes up. "I shot him too."

"He ran into the beam. "John explains

Elizabeth is incredulous, "Are you suggesting he wanted to be taken?"

John remembers Ford screaming at him as he lunged into the path of the alien dematerializer, looking up to the empty sky where he disappeared with a sinking feeling in his chest. "I think he saw it was his only way off the planet."

"I can tell you from the quality time I spent with Ford, he was definitely not thinking straight." Rodney adds.

"Now thanks to you, he's in enemy hands with information that could compromise all of us." Caldwell turns to go.

Before he can leave, John speaks up again, "I don't think he'll give us away."

Caldwell comes back into the room addressing John with flagrant disgust, "Oh, thank you so much for your assurance, Colonel. I'll be sure to include your 'feelings' in my report."

That shuts John up. He knows it doesn't matter what he thinks about Ford's loyalties. He's failed another member of his team and failed Atlantis. It is another strike on the list of things John won't forgive himself for.

 _'Focus John'_ He turns his thoughts back to Ronon. He has to break the news to him about his home world, Sateda; it has been utterly destroyed by the Wraith.

Bringing Ronon up to the control room, John shows him video footage the MALP recorded from the Satedan gate. After taking in the sight of the ruins, Ronon impassively walks away. But John knows that look, he knows Ronon is breaking under the surface and goes after him. The guards still follow at a distance, but John shows Ronon around Atlantis to make him feel more at home while he is here.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John has been spending a lot of time with the barbarian caveman, Ronon. These days the two of them are often together, training, running… whatever. It seems like John has finally found a buddy who likes to do all the same stuff he does. Rodney can't help but feel jealous. There is just no way he could be that kind of guy. He's just the brilliant but nerdy scientist who will never excel as a fighter.

When John finally does have time to hang out with Rodney, he is excited and talking about his new pet project, Ronon. John explains a bit about Ronon's backstory. Apparently, he was a soldier on a planet that was destroyed by the Wraith. The Wraith captured him and placed some kind of tracking device in his back, in order to hunt him down.

They think the Wraith do this once in a while, for sport. The people with the tracking devices are called runners. Ronon had been on the run for 7 years before Carson was able to remove the device. John brags that Ronon is a skilled warrior and tracker.

"I think I'm going to ask him to join the team." John confides to Rodney.

"Oh." Rodney feels bitter about John's new sidekick but smiles, "That's great… Great."

After John leaves, Rodney considers that maybe it's time to find someone of his own to spend time with... Someone besides Carson. There is that botanist, Katie Brown. Rodney has asked her out a few times but always ended up cancelling due to… Well, probably due to being in love with John. But the healthy thing to do would be to follow up with that. Rodney resolves to work up the courage to ask Katie out again.

 **.**

 **.**

While assessing some damage on a recently culled planet, Rodney walks through a grassy field with Carson and Lieutenant Cadman. The Lieutenant, who he barely knows, starts teasing him about his date tomorrow night with Katie, and for the life of him Rodney cannot figure out how she would know about it.

"What's this now? Carson is amused, "You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?"

Rodney pulls his hand over his mouth nervously, "It is simply two adults sharing some friendly…" he stops in his tracks, "Yes, with a WOMAN." _'He is perfectly capable of dating a woman, why wouldn't he be?'_

To his chagrin, Cadman is laughing about it and taunting him, saying everything comes out at girl's poker night. Rodney tries to tell her to let it go and that this is inappropriate field conversation, but they are interrupted by the whirring sound of a Wraith Dart. Cadman radios in and warns the other team members.

John's voice comes over the radio ordering everyone on the ground to take the Dart down at all costs; they can't risk it blowing Atlantis's cover.

.  
.

Rodney is standing in the field again. The last thing he remembers is running through that grassy field. Except, now everyone else is here. And he is standing in front of some wreckage from the Wraith Dart.

John asks, "Rodney, you okay?"

His vision begins to blur and he feels himself spinning. Then everything goes black.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John supervises the transport of the wreckage back to Atlantis. The beam caught two people into its storage device, but they had only been able to get one out. Lieutenant Cadman's life sign got lost but thank God Rodney made it. Beckett says he's going to be fine, that Rodney should be back to his old self in no time.

On the way to check on in him in the infirmary, John stops by the mess hall to speak with Ronon.

"So what do you think of Atlantis?" John asks their visitor.

Ronon mumbles through a mouthful of food, "'S'fine."

 _'Okay. So far this conversation is not going as planned'_ , "Have you thought about what you wanna do after you're done here?"

Looking up from his dish, Ronon asks, "You want me to leave?"

"No, no." John has been misunderstood, "Stay as long as you like."

He tries again, "I'm just saying, you know your way around, you can take care of yourself in a fight, you hate the Wraith as much as we do."

Ronon shovels some food into his mouth with a glare.

John corrects, "Okay, maybe more than we do. The point is, we could use a guy like you around here and you look like you could use a place to stay."

Understanding what John is asking him now, Ronon stops for moment. He turns to look at the ever-present guard that has been with him since his arrival, "I'm not sure I'd fit in here."

"There's only one way to find out." John offers.

Ronon licks his fingers, "Do I have to decide now or can I finish eating?"

"Take your time... and uh," John pulls out some silverware and holds them up, "Try these, they work great."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Soon after coming back from his ordeal, Rodney realizes that he's not alone inside his own mind. Somehow Cadman's consciousness is in there with him.

As he sorts through the wreckage of the Wraith dart, he wastes no time in giving Zelenka a thorough dressing down for his ineptitude when rematerializing him.

He tries to ignore Cadman's constant chatter in his head but then she just starts yelling, making him lose his temper and scream at her. John teases him and tells him he looks crazy, which is the last thing he needs, his sanity truly is hanging by a thread.

Now Rodney is shouting at John too. "I'm sure I do." he says angrily gesturing to Zelenka, "But only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid over here was in way over his head!"

Zelenka is defensive, "Yes. Yes. I made a mistake trying to save your life. Now, do you want to try to fix it or do you want to continue to berate me some more?"

"I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time!" Rodney snaps.

He runs down a quick list of what Zelenka has already tried and sets himself to the task at hand. But the voice in his head is too much to take and Rodney erupts in complete fury. Everyone in the room is a spectator as he gets into a full on screaming match with the voice none of them can hear.

After his outburst, Elizabeth insists that he speak to that condescending therapist, Heightmeyer. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

He is still talking to the irritating person in his mind when he runs into Katie in the hall. Trying to play it off as if he was speaking into his com, he flounders and attempts to discuss their date tomorrow. He could blame his fumbling on Cadman, but the truth is, he's always been awkward around women who might be interested in him. For some reason, when they are out of reach, his usual arrogance keeps him afloat. If there is a chance they might like him back, he loses all dignity.

Once Katie is gone, Cadman criticizes him, _'You really know nothing about women, do you?'_

"I know plenty." Rodney points his finger up in defiance.

 _'Maybe this is a good thing?'_ Cadman reflects.

Rodney gasps, "Excuse me?"

 _'I could teach you a thing or two about the opposite sex, McKay. Lord knows, you need it.'_

"This is hell. My own personal hell." he mutters.

 _'It's really good that I came along when I did. This date with Katie is going to be the perfect opportunity for you to get over your feelings for John.'_

Horrified, Rodney stops dead in his tracks.

She continues, _'You know, whatever was going on between you guys was really unhealthy. I can tell you're pretty messed up about it and I think you could do better. I mean, look, your relationships with men haven't gone so well. Am I right? Lucky for you, I came along to help you find your way back to the wonderful world of women.'_

He gapes speechless, wondering what else she knows about him. Oh God, this is a nightmare.

' _You there Rodney?'_ Cadman asks _'I really think we should talk about this. What I'm trying to say is that maybe if you learned how to relate to women, you'd have a shot at… Oh, I dunno, happiness?.'_

Ducking into his quarters, Rodney closes the door, "We don't need to talk about anything. This is so off limits I can't even believe you would-"

 _'Come on Rodney, who else are you going to talk to, Heightmeyer? Besides, I already know everything, so that should make it easy.'_

He sinks his head into his hands, "Easy. Yes, all of this is so easy."

She chatters on, _'How come you turn into a ball of nerves whenever a pretty girl gives you attention? You only seem to flirt when you think there is no way she'll like you back. You just need to learn how to talk to women.'_

The barrage of truth is too much for Rodney to take. All the anger has drained from him, now he just feels exposed. Too mortified to move, he hears himself whimper, "Please, stop."

Cadman continues her analysis, _'Look, I know you like men AND women, and let's face it, your relationships with men haven't gone so well. I think if you just learned to get over your own crippling sense of inadequacy you'd find a woman that might actually fall for you..._

 _But you just never let it get far enough to go anywhere-'_

"I don't let it get far enough?" Rodney erupts in anger, "If you know so much, you'd know that it's never been my choice. Only a handful of women have been willing to be involved with me for any length of time, and they were the ones who always ended it. So I fail to see how I could have extended it any further!"

 _'I mean you just… Okay, like canceling three dates with Katie? Um, I dunno, it's the little things McKay. Like saying someone looks nice, or that you enjoy their company instead of blurting out rude stuff that most people know not to say out loud. Fortunately, with Katie, I happen to know that she finds your whole 'socially inept genius' thing kind of cute._

 _So, just spend some time with her. And for the love of God, figure out how to formulate complete sentences… Maybe you could just relax , be yourself more, you know? Like, the way you are around John.'_

"Be myself. Wow. That is so helpful, Cadman. It's like getting dating advice from a middle school guidance counselor. Okay, you obviously know nothing about men. Even guys like John, who women tend to fall for, know better than to just 'be themselves' around women they want to date.

Women don't want to hear the kind of stuff that comes out of our mouths half the time. And I'm not exactly the best at self-editing. You have no idea how hard it is to try to think of the right things to say.

Thank you for reminding me of why I backed out of my last three dates with Katie, and dredging up all my past failures. And thank you SO MUCH for reminding me that no one has ever wanted to be with me once they really got to know me. I can't tell you how excited I am about this date tomorrow now."

 _'Jeez, I was only trying to help.'_ Cadman's tone sounds a little less chipper.

Rodney heaves a sigh, bracing himself for a session with Heightmeyer as he walks back out of his quarters, "Can you please just try to shut up and give me 5 minutes of sanity until I get to her office?"

 _'Fine.'_

The session is excruciating; Rodney actually thinks he prefers the insane dialogue with Cadman to the therapist's simpering and saccharine platitudes. Heightmeyer's best advice about living with Cadman in his head is to relax and go with it, maybe let Cadman have more control; she's an idiot.

.

.

Later that night, Rodney finds himself restless and avoiding his quarters. Cadman talks too much when the two of them are alone... or when he's alone. Whatever.

Realizing John is is approaching, Rodney stops pinching his brow and turns around; but can't quite seem to meet John's gaze, "I, uh, couldn't sleep. I was trying to clear my head".

John sounds unsure of himself, "I, uh, hear the transformer test didn't go so well."

Trying to sound chipper like Cadman, Rodney shifts his head to the side, "Well, you heard right." He finally lifts his chin and stares at John.

"Ah, listen" John says uncomfortably, "I wanted you to know that I gave the command to take the Dart down."

Oh, that's what this is about, more of John's misplaced guilt; Rodney sighs, "Much as I'd like to pretend that this is remotely your fault, the thought of what would've happened if you hadn't shot the Dart down is, ah…" he trails off with a hiss, shuttering to think of waking on a Hive ship.

"So… We're cool?" John asks.

"No, you're cool." Rodney answers wearily. "I'm fine"

Once John is out of sight, Cadman remarks, ' _I'm just sayin', I think you deserve better.'_

Honestly Rodney doesn't.

He's never been with anyone who really wanted him. He hears Alex's voice in his head telling him how worthless and pathetic he is, how unlovable. Rodney winces. And women have never been that interested in him. The ones that have, haven't stayed long. But Cadman is right about his relationships with men; they've been a mess, mostly heartbreak and despair.

And John... he's never loved anyone the way he loves that man. How pathetic is it that Rodney still clings to the small time they had together. No, not just when they were together. Actually, it was everything that came after, the rush of falling for him, the little ways that John would let him into his world. John still feels like home.

 _'Rodney'_ Cadman's voice is so quiet he can hardly hear her, _'Alex was wrong. You just- ended up in a relationship with someone very disturbed. I know it did a lot of damage, but you do deserve to be happy.'_

Shaking in humiliation, Rodney hisses, "We are not talking about this."

 _'But maybe that's the point, you've never talked to anyone about what you went through. Maybe that's why this happened with us, so I can help you. I mean, let's face it, you've kept it all in... all these years. That can't be healthy. I think that's maybe why your so confused about John.'_

Safely behind the closed door of his quarters again, Rodney lets himself speak in a loud voice, "Why would I ever want to talk about any of this with anyone -least of all you? I don't want to think about it and I don't want you prying inside my mind!"

 _'But you do think about it.'_

"No, no. I was perfectly fine until you came along and started messing with my head."

 _'Come on, Rodney. I was there when you tried to talk to Katie. You need my help. She actually likes you but you can't deal with it and keep canceling on her. I think it's because you don't really believe anyone will ever love you -and that's why you've held onto this unrequited, dysfunctional thing with John instead.'_

"Well, I didn't cancel _this_ date. Happy?!" He slams a cabinet door closed in frustration.

 _'Not yet. But with my help we might just solve some of this.'_

"I don't want your help! How many times do I have to say it?"

 _'Rodney you have no idea what it's like trapped in here. If I have to live inside your head, I can't deal with this constant suffering.'_

"Oh, now YOU'RE the one who's suffering? How very terrible for you. Maybe I'll just put an end to all of this and kill us both. At least that way I'll finally have some peace."

After a moment Rodney is surprised to hear no retort back from his tormenter, he turns to get his computer.

Then he hears Cadman again, _'I'm so sorry, Rodney.'_

Ignoring her, he starts typing.

 _'I mean, I'm sorry things were so bad with Alex that you once considered that.'_

Horrified that she could know so much about his past, he stares at the screen. He wants to deny that he was ever that broken, but he can't. It would be a pointless lie and she would obviously know it. But she can't force him to talk about it. He's never talked about what happened with Alex and he never will.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Ronon has spent the day being taken through some sort of initiation rite. At least that's what it seems like. Sparring at the gym, overview of weaponry, target practice… There wasn't anything Sheppard threw at him that he wasn't already really good at… but he still isn't sure what to make of this place.

Even though he is still being trailed by 2 guards, he seeks Teyla out in her quarters that evening. He is worried that he took things too far when sparring with her earlier. She had asked him not to go easy on her, but she and Sheppard both seemed alarmed when he flipped Teyla on her back so suddenly.

"I wanted to apologize." Ronon speaks from her doorway.

"Come in." Teyla gestures.

He walks cautiously into the room and Teyla continues, "Do not worry, Ronon. It was impressive."

She offers him a chair, "Please… How are you finding your training?"

Ronon sits down, "You mean my testing?"

"Is that what you think?" Teyla frowns.

"Am I wrong?"

Teyla smiles at him, "Colonel Sheppard believes you can be of great help to us."

Ronon studies her face and then asks, "Why did you join them?"

"My people are strong and proud," Teyla tells him, "but Atlantis is the best hope for us all. I suspect you see it too, or you would have already left."

He drops his head slightly, thinking. She is right. Atlantis is the best chance they have to defeat the Wraith.

.

.

* * *

.

.

After waking up naked in Cadman's bed, Rodney is outraged. What else was she doing with his body while he was sleeping? He doesn't even want to imagine.

Cadman has insisted on 'helping' him with his date tonight. Why she's so determined to solve his romantic woes, he does not know. Maybe a single day inside his head was all she could bear before trying to do something about it. Anyway how much worse could it get?

Later, when he arrives at Katie's quarters he's surprised to find Carson there.

Katie tells Rodney not to fret about being late, saying Carson has been keeping her company; she urges him to sit down.

 _'Wait… Carson is staying?'_ He looks at his friend in confusion, "Carson?"

"Rodney?" Carson sounds relaxed.

"What are you doing here?" He whispers.

Carson blanches, "You invited me."

Unamused he retorts, "Oh I did, did I?" Then he realizes this was Cadman's doing; he changes his tone to make it sound like a casual answer to his own question, "Yes."

Rodney starts eating the salad immediately but Cadman says he should be making a toast.

He tries his best but she's right. When it comes to women, he is hopeless -especially on the rare occasions when one seems to like him. He stands up with a glass raised, but can barely talk.

After many long agonizing pauses, he finally sits back down. What the hell did he just say? He thinks he may have complimented Katie on being able to make a salad.

Cadman tries to encourage him, _'That wasn't so bad. She's obviously into you. So we have that working for us.'_

Thinking Cadman must be wrong, Rodney gulps at his wine. Nobody is ever into him, at least not once they get to know him. How is he supposed to get over this crippling sense of inadequacy when he is, in fact, inadequate? Cadman is talking but Rodney isn't listening. he grabs the glass of wine and guzzles the whole thing down.

With his cup empty, Rodney has nothing left to do but sit in awkward silence.

 _'Say something, McKay.'_ Cadman prompts him, _'Come on, say something that'll start a conversation.'_

"So...um," He rubs his nose nervously "...Do you… uh… um…" Rodney has started the sentence before thinking it through and now he's coming up empty.

"Yes?" Katie asks with hopeful interest.

He waits for something to come to him but nothing does, "I forgot what I was going to say."

Katie looks so disappointed that he tries again, "What was, um…"

Cadman takes control of his body, standing up, "Okay, this is ridiculous."

With a confident look, Rodney's body walks over to Katie and takes her hand, "Katie, I really like you. In fact, the past few months here have been made more livable, thanks to you."

Katie beams and Carson gapes as Cadman continues in Rodney's voice, "I wanted tonight to be special, but for reasons I can't go into now, I gotta leave."

Looking crestfallen, Katie and stands up, "I'm sorry to hear that."

"But", Cadman continues, "I don't want you to be insulted or wonder whether or not I'm interested in you, because I am." Cadman delivers a smoldering look to Katie, "I am very, very interested." With that Rodney sees his arms reach out and swoop Katie into a romance novel embrace.

He, or rather Cadman, dips her back and kisses her soundly before pulling her back up. His voice sounds so suave, "See you soon", he says to a breathless Katie.

Before Cadman struts out of the room, she places a hand on Carson's face and gives him a look that puts the whole heterosexual romance of the kiss that just happened into question.

As they head down the hall Rodney demands, "Give me back my body, we have to go back."

 _'And do what?'_ Cadman asks coolly, _'I bet that is the most honest you've ever been with a girl, and it wasn't even you.'_

The two of them start fighting in the hall, resulting in a face slap and a game of rock, paper, scissors which Cadman wins. But they both stop when the intercom blares, "Dr. McKay, report to the hanger."

 **.**

.

Rodney has the distinct displeasure of watching Zelenka run an another unsuccessful test with some mice while trying to rematerialize them with Wraith beam.

John cracks, "Now, I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color."

"This is never going to end." Rodney moans. Sounding more bitter with each word he glares accusingly at Zelenka, "I'm gonna be stuck like this... forever."

He ends up back in Heightmeyer's office arguing with Cadman about how she hijacked his body. Spitting mad, Rodney's face goes impossibly hot and he begins to seize up, contorting and eventually losing consciousness on the floor.

When he wakes he is in the infirmary again. Carson tells him that his body is giving out under the strain of containing two minds; one of them is going to have to let go -otherwise they will both die.

Cadman takes control of his body again and tells the room that she can feel herself fading already, she is fighting just to keep herself intact. She assures everyone that she will let go so Rodney can survive.

Despite her valor and his recent rage, Rodney isn't willing to let her die just yet. Zelenka's mice are still not surviving the re-materialization, but Rodney comes up with a plan to use the Stargate's ability to dematerialize matter instead of the damaged Wraith technology.

Against Carson's objections, he leaves the infirmary to help Zelenka with the interface. They have to attempt a transfer before he has a fatal seizure.

John steps forward, his hand gesturing close to Rodney's chest, "Hold on Rodney, I thought all the mice died."

Flippantly, Rodney tells everyone that he is sure about this.

Rodney steps back into the field of the particle beam and braces for salvation or oblivion. But Cadman puts up a finger and takes control of the body once more, saying, "Wait."

He sees himself walk over to Carson. His hands fiercely grab Carson's medical jacket and Rodney watches in horror as he delivers a passionate kiss to his colleague.

 _'Oh God, he's kissing Carson in front of everyone. Fucking Cadman! He should have let her die.'_

Carson isn't responding to Rodney's ministrations but Cadman continues to press his body up against him and kiss like there is no tomorrow.

 **.**

.

* * *

.

.

John narrows his eyes. Emotions are speeding around in his head, jealousy, confusion, embarrassment, jealousy.

Rodney suddenly pulls away from Beckett in a definitive smack; he is looking self-satisfied, still holding onto the doctor.

"Just in case this doesn't work." Rodney explains.

But Rodney and Beckett are just friends, aren't they?

John presses his lips together feeling suddenly hot. Why should it bother him if Rodney and Beckett are lovers… Or maybe it wasn't Rodney that kissed Beckett, what if it was Cadman? Somehow that thought makes him feel less uncomfortable.

He hopes to God this rematerialization thing is really sorted out, he can't even consider what it would be like to lose Rodney. No, John has learned to trust Rodney on these things, if Rodney says it will work, it will work.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney has control again and releases Carson in disgust, "Ugh."

He backs away without making eye contact and utters, "Oh" like he is going to be sick to his stomach.

Backing into the field, he closes his eyes to block out the room and the utter humiliation he is feeling.

Cadman justifies her actions, _'Come on, like you've never kissed a guy before.'_

"Just… just... hit it." Rodney speaks weakly, his face completely hidden behind his hand.

Nothing happens at first and then Rodney thinks he hears John's voice before everything disappears.

 **.**

 **.**

Waking up, Rodney's vision is blurry but he can make out John, Elizabeth and Zelenka on the far side of the infirmary.

He hears Cadman's voice. At first he thinks she's still in his head but then he realizes she is on a stretcher next to him.

Seeing her face is so unsettling, Rodney feels bared to the soul.

When John comes by to check on them Rodney panics that she is going to say something about how he is in love with him. That's just the kind of thing she would do.

He sees her smiling a little too wide and giggling like she is seeing her commanding officer in a whole new light.

To cut off their conversation, Rodney interjects loudly, "Yes, thank you."

He doesn't know who he is thanking. It doesn't matter, he just has to stop Cadman from talking to John. He looks up to John terrified that somehow he is going to know… that she knows.

John smiles lazily. For a brief second he gives Rodney an uneasy look, then his eyes dart away.

When John leaves, Cadman catches his eye and gives Rodney a knowing look. He lets her see the fear plainly written across his face. She gives him a smile that says, _'No one will ever know'_ and Rodney smiles back uncertainly.

Then she doubles down on the expression, to make sure Rodney gets the message; he nods and lays back into his pillow with a deep sigh.

 **.**

 **.**

After Rodney has sufficiently recovered, he is cleared to go back on missions with the team. He can't believe Elizabeth was okay with letting John's shiny new toy join the team. But that had been what John wanted and Rodney knows from experience, it is hard to say no to John.

Ronon's first mission out… The first thing he had done, was walk over to a smelly pot and spoon some gunk -or whatever it was- into his mouth. The barbarian had actually eaten some of it.

Rodney had warned him, saying, "You don't know what that is, that could be their laundry!"

The guy had just grunted, "Pretty good."

Granted, the caveman is good looking. He has a chiseled face with caramel colored skin, big chunks of hair worn in dreads that hang about his face like a wild frame of tusks. But Ronon hardly seems capable of stringing more than two words together and Rodney has doubts about more than just his linguistic capabilities.

He hardly seems worth all the attention John is giving him. It reminds Rodney of how John had been with him when he first joined the team. Is it insulting or flattering that John doesn't seem to think Rodney requires training anymore?

It's not that he hasn't seen John at all since the caveman arrived; John still makes time for Rodney, just not as much. Rodney and Carson have gotten closer in the meantime.

Carson is actually refreshing to be around, little to no sarcasm, very sincere and easy to talk to. Not as funny or as exciting as John, but the safer friend alternative. He'd had been really understanding about the whole kiss thing that happened when Cadman took over his body. He hasn't teased Rodney at all and there has been no residual weirdness once the whole question of who kissed who was cleared up.

Maybe friendship is supposed to be more like how Rodney feels around Carson. I mean, you're not supposed to jack off thinking about your friend at night. Rodney tries not to, but he still cums hard to those images of John from the past. Oh yeah. And you aren't supposed to be hopelessly in love with a friend either.

Rodney sighs, tossing on his bed. He can't sleep with his mind racing about John. He decides to listen to the song that helped him get through that heartbreaking night back on Earth. It makes it better and worse at the same time.

He hates that he isn't what John is looking for; Rodney will never be John's destination. It is all so hopeless. And now that he has humiliated himself with Katie, Rodney's best chance at getting over John just has evaporated.

Since the unfortunate incident, there is nothing he can do but avoid Katie and Cadman at all costs. Nothing left to distract him from his heartache… Rodney stares up at the ceiling and sighs. He imagines he is back under the stars in the Milky Way. Only this time John hasn't left the apartment, he is up on the roof with Rodney. They are watching the night sky together.

Fuck. Rodney turns the music off. It never happened that way; he is just torturing himself. He gets out of bed and pulls on some clothes. Maybe some food will help him get sleepy.

He sneaks into the kitchen for a late night snack and is startled by John's voice in the darkness, "Rodney."

"Whoa, uh." Rodney jumps and turns around, "Don't do that to me."

"What are you doing here?" John sounds playful, "Looking for a midnight sandwich, perhaps?"

Guilty, Rodney tries to shake off the thoughts that were just running through his head… Being in love with John… Jacking off at night while thinking about John…

"I wasn't looking for anything." Rodney sputters, "Just taking a… walk."

John walks closer, "You really suck at lying, Rodney."

"Yeah. Whatever." Rodney snaps his fingers to distract himself, "I think I know where they're keeping the good stuff." He leans down and reaches to the back of a cabinet.

As he pulls out a package of beef franks and hotdog buns, John smiles at Rodney in appreciation, saying, "Oh, yeah."

Rodney smiles trying to hide the sadness in his eyes, trying to be casual and somewhat aloof like John. But he has to glance away; he does kinda suck at lying, and he doesn't want John to see how much his heart is really breaking over him.

 **.**

 **.**


	26. What's the matter? Don't TRUST me?

.

.

John pilots the Jumper into the wormhole before they are caught up in the blast. The one Rodney says will take out ¾ of the Dorandan solar system. _Thank God it's uninhabited._

Where did it all go so wrong? It started with Rodney picking at Ronon when they were first scouting the place out. No. That's not where it started, Rodney always picks at Ronon. He just hasn't really seemed to warm to him yet. It's hard, missing Ford, but John was sure Rodney would come around eventually.

No, it started with Rodney picking at John, acting smug and spouting off technical terms that he didn't think John would understand. Even though Rodney was being bossy and arrogant, ordering John around like his personal bellhop, he didn't mind too much.

Watching Rodney get so excited, John couldn't help getting caught up in the thrill. Explaining the find, Rodney had told John that there was no direct link between the weapon and the main power control systems, no tie in between the power generator and the primary capacitor.

"Cool." John had grinned happily at the idea of finding a souped-up space gun.

Folding his arms, Rodney had gazed at John in condescension. "Which, I'm sure, means nothing to you."

"Means they could fire multiple blasts without having to store up more power for the next firing sequence."

Rodney had looked perplexed.

Sometimes he likes bursting Rodney's bubble, since he is always underestimating John. Rodney seems to think most soldiers have no more than a high school education. John could set him straight and tell him that he has an advanced degree in Aerospace Engineering, but he doesn't like to brag the way Rodney does. Plus, he doesn't like to talk about himself much.

Looking sufficiently confused and impressed, Rodney had replied, "Yes. Very good."

John had reiterated his original point, "Which leads me back to, 'Cool'"

Yeah, it had all been fun and games until the capacitor overloaded and killed an engineer.

Then John had been mesmerized by Rodney's overwrought plea… that if they didn't return to uncover the mystery, the man who died in the containment field would have given his life in vain.

Rodney had looked up to him with wide blue eyes, "I have never asked this of you before, but I think I've earned it."

Locking his eyes beseechingly with John's, he had begged, "Trust me."

And Rodney said he had all the equations right, that he could succeed where the Ancients failed. Even though it seemed like a stretch, John believed in him. He had come to trust Rodney more than he realized. He didn't understand it completely, but since Rodney believed in it that much, John had let himself believe too.

Elizabeth had been more skeptical about trying to power up the weapons platform again. She told John that Rodney sometimes needed to be protected from himself. But protecting Rodney was something that had become instinctive to John by now.

They had gone back to Doranda because Rodney asked John to trust him. John had tried to protect Rodney from himself when it all went wrong, to pull him out of there. But Rodney hadn't listened, not until it was too late. If the Daedalus hadn't shown up when it did, fielding them from the weapon, they never would have made it to the stargate.

John is angry now, angrier then he should be. It sure didn't help that Rodney had been trying to instruct him on how to dodge weapons fire. He'd had to scream, literally telling him to shut up, just to get him to… well, shut up.

If there's one goddam thing John knows how to do, it's running flight interference. I mean, Jesus, after all-

"John?"

"Shut up, Rodney."

"I was just going to-"

"Shut up, Rodney."

They travel the rest of the trip in silence.

.

.

As soon as they are back, Rodney is called into a private briefing with Elizabeth. It gives John the chance he needs to get away. He is so pissed right now; he doesn't want to have to look at Rodney.

It's not even that he's so angry with Rodney. John is angry with himself. He thought he could protect him but… but John's feelings for Rodney compromise his judgment. This whole mission was a mistake and John should have been able to see that.

Instead, he let personal feelings get in the way. John has to put more distance between himself and McKay if he is going to be an effective commander. He should have learned this lesson by now.

After everything that happened with Holland… He needs to protect himself. He hadn't realized how absolute his trust in McKay was until it was so shaken. He has let himself become far too vulnerable to Rodney, to the way he makes him feel. And John can't do his job if he lets his feeling get in the way.

As John makes his way around Atlantis, several people inform him that Rodney is looking for him. He decides to hide out in his room for a while and lay low, but just as he is about to step into the transporter, he hears Rodney's voice calling out from behind.

"Oh, Colonel."

John keeps walking to the transporter.

"Colonel."

He continues without turning around, hoping Rodney will get the hint. He doesn't.

"I've been looking all over for you." Rodney is out of breath.

"I heard". John rolls his eyes at the transporter in front of him. Then he turns around to face McKay. Folding his arms over his chest, he gives Rodney an angry glare. _What is it now McKay?_

Rodney lowers his head sadly and looks at the ground, "I suppose I deserve that."

Okay, he's going with the pity card. John isn't going to fall for the poor sensitive Rodney act.

"Look, I just, ah…" Rodney continues, "I wanted to apologize about what happened. I was wrong. I'm sorry… And, and I wanted to assure you that I intend on being right again. About everything, effective immediately."

John's expression falls to one of bemusement, despite himself. He quickly corrects it to a more stern and angry face.

Rodney shrugs and smiles weakly.

Nope, not falling for the 'I'm so quirky and funny even when I don't mean to be' routine either.

"That was a joke." Rodney offers.

 _Yeah, got that Rodney._ John lifts his brows unsympathetically, "Good one."

To indicate the conversation is over, he turns around and heads into the transporter.

But Rodney runs to the open door before John can escape, "I've already apologized to Elizabeth. And Radek and… And I thanked Colonel Caldwell for caring enough to spy on the experiment from orbit. Sent him a nice little email, actually."

John keeps an expression of mild distain.

"But I saved you till last 'cause…" Rodney looks sincerely at him, "Honestly, I would… hate to think that recent events might have permanently… dimmed your faith in my abilities.

Rodney's countenance falls as he adds, "Or your trust… At the very least, I hope I can –I can, earn that back.

"That may take a while." John gives him a stony stare.

"I see." Rodney whispers in a choked voice. He looks completely broken and dejected.

 _Oh God, Rodney looks like he is about to cry._ John feels a pang of guilt. He has never offered Rodney such a sincere or heartfelt apology -even when Rodney has deserved one. And Rodney has always forgiven him.

John just needs some… distance and perspective. He can't be around Rodney right now. He tries to offer Rodney as much as he can muster.

"But…" John forces himself to smile, "I'm sure you can do it if you really, really try."

.

.

* * *

.

.

The transporter doors close and Rodney is devastated. He takes a small breath and stares at the ground.

He nods to himself, of course John doesn't trust him anymore, not even as a scientist. Rodney feels like he has lost the last shred of connection that he and John had…not lovers or friends… now barely colleagues.

Rodney knows he is to blame. He'd been so convinced that his calculations would work that he'd convinced John as well. And he hadn't taken no for an answer, practically demanding that John trust him implicitly.

Now, of course, whatever trust John did have is gone. Rodney wonders how he can really, really try. What would it take for John to forgive him?

.

.

As time goes by, Rodney looks for opportunities to prove himself, but nothing arises. John is always with Ronon these days. The two of them go for runs, doing laps around the city. They laugh and joke around on their way out of the gym making references to movies that John has obviously introduced him to.

All Rodney can do is watch John from a distance.

.

.

John said if he really, really tried... Or as least implied that there was a chance he might trust Rodney again. Rodney the scientist, not Rodney the friend. But John didn't ever really see him as a friend did he? Rodney doesn't know how he can stop caring so much, desperately wanting John to like him again -or at least not hate him.

He'd tried to help track the Wraith girl on that planet, but John hardly has a word to say to him these days, even on missions. John couldn't stop praising Ronon's amazing tracking abilities. When Rodney had questioned him about it, John got so annoyed he smacked Rodney across the back of the head. After that, Rodney had just trudged at the back of the group, feeling the sting of rejection. Okay sure, the caveman might be good at at tracking, but Rodney has… other talents.

He's pretty sure John doesn't even want him on the team anymore. Rodney imagines he's probably already talked to Elizabeth about it... or maybe Elizabeth told John he had to keep Rodney on the team?

Maybe that's why he looks right past Rodney now like he's not even there. But it's even worse when John does look at him. God. When he'd had asked to join Ronon and Teyla, to hunt down the other Wraith loose in the woods, the look he'd given Rodney had made the blood drain from his face.

"Hunting Wraith?" John had narrowed his eyes in a stony gaze, reminding Rodney of how useless he was in most of these situations.

Once upon a time, John had taken an interest in trying to train him, but now he has Ronon. So Rodney just stayed behind in the cave waiting and watching Carson do his medical research. He'd started wondering if he really was good enough to be on the team, if maybe he should ask Elizabeth if he could just stick to lab duties.

But then it turned out that the bite from the Wraith girl had infected John, transforming his DNA into some kind of Iratis bug hybrid. Rodney had tried, he really really had. But once again it was the caveman's tracking skills that led them to the cave with an Iratus nest.

He'd wanted to be a hero, to rush in and save the day somehow by getting the eggs for the stem cells Carson needed for a cure. But Rodney wasn't good enough, he was too much of coward.

Major Lorne had ordered them all back, saying it was impossible; but Rodney had looked back one last time at the cave full of deadly creatures thinking that this might not only be his last chance to win back John's trust, it might mean John was never coming back at all.

He had cried that night, thinking back to some of the memories of John that he cherished. Wishing there was something, anything he could do for a second chance.

The thought of losing John, no matter how much he hated Rodney was unbearable. Rodney felt completely broken inside. But he should have known that John wouldn't be ended so easily, there is something as indestructible about the man as there is impenetrable. In the end John himself had gone into the cave to collect the eggs, barely lucid, face half scaly and blue.

For a time it seemed he wouldn't be coming back out, since the inhibitor Carson gave him had worn off; Rodney is ashamed that in that moment he lost all hope even when Ronon was ready to go charging in after him.

But then John came running from the entrance, screaming like a maniac. He had the container in his hand. Ronon shot John with his stunner before he could get away, then picked John up off the ground easily carrying him back to the Jumper. Rodney wished he could be that brave and strong.

That night Rodney had stayed up all night in the infirmary with Ronon and Teyla taking shifts with food runs and bathroom breaks.

He felt like an interloper, someone John wouldn't really want there, someone who wasn't really part of the team. They hadn't known if the treatment would really work but he had to be there when John woke up. Even if John didn't know him anymore, or worse if he knew Rodney but still didn't want to talk to him.

Finally when John woke up cured, all Rodney could think was that the person he loved more than anyone in the world was still alive.

It didn't matter that he wasn't a part of John's world anymore because the person his heart belonged to still existed.

Rodney really, really tried over the next few weeks, bringing John his favorite sandwiches just the way he liked them. He kept a constant vigil, even if it was from the sidelines.

Mostly John would talk with Ronon or Teyla and say little when Rodney tried to join in the conversation. His heart hurt watching from a distance, but at least his heart still existed; it hadn't died with John, so he didn't give up. He brought movies and games, dropped off anything he heard John mention he might want and probably lots of other things he probably didn't. At least John ate the sandwiches.

And then they found the Aurora. The ship full of Ancients in stasis.

By then Rodney had managed to steel himself a bit more to John's constant rejection. He hadn't stopped trying, or at least looking for an opportunity to try to win back John's trust, but he forced himself to stop acting like a lost puppy. It hurt too much to be vulnerable and snapping at John here and there took some of the sting away.

Rodney had wanted to go into one of the pods in order to communicate with a living Ancient. Given the cortical signals, he was pretty sure they were in some kind of interconnected virtual interface.

"Any way to figure out what they're saying?" John had asked.

"Yes, of course", Rodney turned and gave a withering look, holding up his tablet screen and gesturing at it, "It says right here. 'Why is the smart one having to stop and answer so many questions?'"

He knew it got under John's skin when he played up the 'I'm a genius and John's an idiot' routine. Sniping at John had the positive side effect of taking the edge off his heartbreak.

Despite how obvious it was that Rodney understood the machines and John didn't, John still acted like he doubted Rodney's abilities, as if he couldn't possibly get anything right.

"You sure this is such a good idea?" John acted skeptical.

"What's the matter Colonel? Don't TRUST me?" Rodney felt bitter enough to let it come through in his voice.

John paused and looked at him blankly, answering with a soul crushing, "No."

"Fine." Rodney winced and looked back at John defiantly.

He said Rodney could win his trust back if he really, really, tried. But John won't even give him a chance.

When Teyla also started expressing misgivings about Rodney's competence, he rolled his eyes, asking her if he would be volunteering to go if wasn't safe.

Ronon gave him a dark look that told him exactly how little he thought of Rodney as he stepped forward, "No."

Somehow, by this twisted logic, Rodney McKay could only be trusted to look out for himself.

John concluded "Which is exactly what makes it safe enough for me to go."

"What?" Rodney suddenly felt much more afraid about the idea of John going in; he was willing to take the risk but he couldn't take it something went wrong while John was in one of those pods.

"Better to have you on the outside in case something goes wrong." It was the first thing John said since Doranda that even remotely sounded like he thought Rodney could be trusted with something, his heart skipped with a surge of happiness.

He couldn't blow his first chance. What if something went wrong? Insisting that nothing could go wrong, he continued to make the case that he should be the one to go inside. He needed to be the one to test the pod, not John.

"But if it does." John used his condescending tone.

And then Rodney's heart dropped again, realizing how little faith anyone had in him. He tried to argue with them, wondering how many times he would have to say it before they believed it was safe enough for him to go in.

Teyla offered a thought for Rodney to consider in an overly diplomatic tone, "Between the two of you, if something were to go wrong, which would be the greater loss?"

Realizing she was trying to appeal to his vanity, Rodney was hurt. They all really thought he only cared about himself.

So he decided to play the part and give up the futile argument. At least it would give him another chance to insult John by insinuating that he was more replaceable.

He replied to Teyla as if it had just dawned on him how little John mattered. "Well, I never thought of it that way…" Then he turned to give John a demeaning look to drive the point home.

To hide any of his real feelings, he kept a dispassionate face as he explained the workings of the pod; telling John he only needed to concentrate and think about exiting the system to disconnect and, in the very unlikely event that something went wrong, Rodney should be able to disconnect him manually.

"Without any permanent brain damage." he added, once John had reclined into the chamber.

John turned his head sharply as if he was suddenly regretting his choice, "Rodney?"

Reminding John of what a great opportunity it was to be able to communicate with living Ancients, he continued readying the chamber, "Now when I close the lid, the pod systems should activate. Ready?"

"I was." John looked worried.

Rodney unsympathetically activated the pod, "Good."

And then everything went horribly wrong. In a way Rodney couldn't possibly have predicted.

Caldwell radioed them saying that 2 Wraith ships were approaching their position. He ordered Rodney to manually disconnect John if he wasn't out in time since they couldn't risk the Wraith finding out that Atlantis survived.

As if that wasn't enough, shortly after that Teyla and Ronon radioed him from a room they were exploring to say they they'd discovered a Wraith inside one of the pods.

.

.

This is how Rodney finds himself where he is now; having a full blown panic attack on the Aurora ship.

He is alone in a huge dark room full of creepy stasis chambers...filled with bodies that have slowly aged over thousands of years.

He's basically in room full of dead people and… And something bad is going to happen to John. It's all his fault. Shit. John is in there with a Wraith.

Rodney leans over John's chamber, "Please come out now! Oh God, Oh God. Come on. You did it before, you were in for, like 15 minutes, and then you came out. You can do it again. Just please, please come back, John."

Caldwell gets impatient and beams the 3 of them back to the Daedalus for an update. Rodney attempts to explain why it could be damaging to Sheppard if they use a manual override. John can still disconnect anytime he chooses and he obviously went back in the second time to try to get more information about a secret communiqué the Ancients have on a Wraith weakness.

Ronon frowns, "Knowing Sheppard, he wouldn't leave without getting the information from the communiqué."

 _'Yes, yes, and you know Sheppard so well now, being here all of 5 months.'_ Rodney bristles internally.

Fortunately, the magnetic shielding on the pods has prevented Caldwell from beaming John back directly, but Rodney is given a brief deadline to manually retrieve him when he is returned to the Aurora.

His anxiety ratchets up when he gets back to John's pod.

Oh God, he is reading Delta waves. That means John is unconscious. And Rodney is seeing significant manipulation of the feedback loop. He is sure disconnecting John manually would be a terrible mistake not just because it could turn him into a vegetable, but it looks like the Wraith booby-trapped the system.

He argues with Caldwell's orders over the com, yelling, "We're talking about Sheppard's life here!"

In a louder voice, Caldwell barks, "And I'm talking about the lives of not only every person on this ship, but every person in Atlantis, when the Wraith find out it wasn't destroyed. I'm well aware of what's at stake here, Doctor. Get him out of that pod. Or my men will. Caldwell out."

He has no choice, he's going in after John.

"Look" Rodney tells Teyla and Ronon, "stall Caldwell, buy me some time, just a few minutes, at the most."

"What if you are unable to disconnect?" Teyla asks.

While Rodney readies a pod, Ronon reminds him, "Caldwell's gonna blow that ship whether you're in there or not."

"See," Rodney explains to Ronon, since the guy hasn't been around that long, "the thing is, Colonel Sheppard and I have sort of gotten into this habit of saving each other's lives, and it's my turn."

He scoots into the horizontal chamber trying to keep a lid on his claustrophobia. _Just think about bright blue skies... bright blue skies..._

.

.

* * *

.

.

John wakes to the sound of Rodney's voice.

"Where are you taking me? I told you I am with Colonel Sheppard. I am a member of his team," Rodney's voice gets closer, "Someone must have shot him from behind while he was trying to get through to the Captain. Colonel John Sheppard, he's about- he's about so high, uh, uh, brown hair "

Lifting himself off the floor, John sees two guards bring Rodney into the room.

The physical description continues, "A bit mussed, the term is 'rakish'?"

John smiles in amusement. _Rakish, huh?_

Rodney finally sees him and John gives him a frustrated look. "McKay."

"What are you doing in there?" Rodney looks confused seeing John behind bars.

The door to the cell opens and a guard gives Rodney a shove in.

John looks at him wryly, "I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Wha- I came to help you." Rodney sputters.

"I feel better already." John says sarcastically.

"Right." Rodney looks glum, he eyes the holding cell and looks at John with concern, "Have you been unable to disconnect yourself from the system?"

"No," John explains, "I'm still trying to get the information on that communiqué."

"Oh good." Rodney sighs with relief.

John moves to sit down on the Spartan bench and Rodney joins him saying, "We thought maybe it was preventing you from exiting the program."

"It?" John asks.

"We found a Wraith in one of the stasis pods. It's manipulating the neural feedback program, your EEG patterns were irregular-"

"No kidding, I got stunned."

"I didn't want to risk pulling you out until I knew more." Rodney sounds protective.

John tells Rodney it might be the first officer, she's been trying to keep him from accessing the Captain and getting communiqué.

"We don't need the Captain." Rodney is dismissive, "I've been able to decipher enough of the program to overwrite the protocols. All I have to do is get to a terminal within the virtual environment, and I should be able to access any file stored within the database."

Right. John looks around the cell, "Then we just need to break out of here."

"Hold that thought." Rodney folds his arms over his chest in a way that reminds John of that TV show, 'I Dream of Jeannie.' and disappears.

John doesn't know why he finds Rodney's dorkiness so adorable at times. He smiles again thinking about how Rodney thinks he is rakish. That's probably the closest thing he's ever gotten to compliment from McKay. Lately Rodney has taken his pastime of insulting John's intellect to an all-time high. Still, he thinks John's rakish, that's something.

The energy in the cell begins to fluctuate, the shield goes down and the cell door opens. ' _Way to go McKay'._

Two guards walk in to see what has happened but then they suddenly crumple to the floor unconscious.

 _'Good one, Rodney'_

When Rodney reappears next to him, John feels a rush of affection but is careful not to let it show. It's dangerous letting himself get too close to McKay, he has to keep an emotional distance.

John simply says, "Hi."

"Hi." Rodney answers awkwardly, maybe even looking a bit disappointed.

John senses that Rodney was expecting something more so he nods in appreciation, "Nice."

They take the stunners from the unconscious guards and follow Rodney's schematics to find a terminal.

Ducking around a corner to avoid detection, John taps Rodney's shoulder with the back of his hand "That's her."

"That's the Wraith?" Rodney whispers and points towards the blonde in the hall.

"Yeah." John whispers back.

"Wow…" Rodney's eyes get big, "She's hot."

 _'She is a babe, he will give Rodney that.'_

"I mean, seriously hot." Rodney gapes.

"Rodney you're drooling over a Wraith." John reminds him.

"I know," Rodney pulls his head back and looks contrite, "I disgust myself sometimes."

They step up the pace, dodging and darting their way around corridors. Rodney finds a control interface and John stands watch while he accesses the data.

"The communiqué has been erased." Rodney blurts out.

"Why would the Wraith do that?" John asks.

"Well," Rodney sighs dramatically, "it says right here, 'I, the Wraith, delete this important information to keep you from seeing it'."

 _'God, he hates it when Rodney does this little routine of 'I'm so much smarter than you that I can barely tolerate to answer your stupid questions' ._

His tone dripping with sarcasm John, explains that he is not an idiot, "Obviously he did it to keep us from seeing it, but why didn't it end the damn program? What's the point of continuing?"

"Oh, no." Rodney's voice is low.

"What?"

Rodney turns around, "You said they were trying to modify the hyperdrive?"

"So they can get back to Atlantis faster." John answers.

"Well, according to the Atlantis database, there are 2 different types of Ancient hyperdrives; there's the more basic interstellar kind, like the one the Aurora has, and then there's the powerful, intergalactic kind, similar to the one the Asgard provided us for the Daedalus."

"Why would the Wraith want to soup up the hyperdrive?" John whispers.

"Because the Wraith hyperdrives are nowhere near as advanced as the Ancient hyperdrives. All the technology the Captain is feeding her right now-"

"She'll learn how to modify the Wraith hyperdrives from interstellar to intergalactic." John finishes the thought.

"Which means they'll make it as far as Earth." Rodney says with alarm.

"That's what this whole thing is about," John realizes, "their new feeding ground. And this is just step one."

"Even if she doesn't have all the information she needs, we need to stop her from sending what she's learned so far to the Wraith ships that are on the way."

John steps towards Rodney, narrowing his eyes at this new information, "There are Wraith ships on the way?"

"I'm" Rodney gulps and looks away nervously, "–I'm sure I mentioned that."

"No, you didn't." John walks closer, giving Rodney a stern look.

"Well, it… It –It –It threw me when she was so hot."

"How many ships?" John whispers angrily.

Rodney takes a breath and speaks tightly, "2 cruisers."

Thinking, John looks down at the floor, "Can you disconnect her?"

"Him." Rodney corrects, "Not, from the inside, no… I should be able to disable the pod interface from the outside."

"Well," John asks looking at McKay like _he's_ the idiot, "Why didn't you?"

"Because I didn't know what that would do to you." Rodney sounds hurt.

John makes a face, "Well, that's very thoughtful of you, but now she knows all about Atlantis."

Rodney looks at John in shock, "You told her?" The expression on his face changes and Rodney folds his arms over his chest, asking accusingly, "Why?"

Now it is John's turn to be flustered. He is sure his face looks guilty, he tries to exonerate himself from the fact that he was distracted by her looks as well, "Because I was trying to convince them that… Just go and unplug the Wraith while I talk to the Captain."

"The communiqué is blank." Rodney argues.

"Yeah, but he might still have some intel on the Wraith weakness."

John raises his voice emphatically, "Now, Rodney, is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"

Rodney looks uncomfortable, "Only that Caldwell is probably going to destroy this ship at any moment."

He stares Rodney down and then spits out a simple order, "Go!"

"Going" Rodney obeys.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney emerges from the Wraith pod to find Teyla and Ronan gone. He sighs, "Oh I can't believe it. Two minutes in the pod, I'm abandoned."

He groans and tries to talk himself through the risky process of disconnecting the Wraith in the other room.

Once he plugs into the Wraith system and finds it harder to disengage than he thought.

"Come on." He keeps talking himself through it speaking out loud in frustration, "Disable.". ' _Okay there it goes.'_

"Ha." Rodney proclaims in triumph.

The pod containing the Wraith opens and Rodney stares at the new terror facing him, "Oh, no."

The thing isn't moving, maybe he'll get lucky. He pulls out his gun and cocks it, taking a few steps toward the Wraith. It still isn't moving. Rodney points the gun at its head, but it suddenly roars to life.

As he runs away he shoots the gun behind him without looking. ' _Definitely not the way John taught him to do it.'_

Rodney turns a corner, aiming this time as he fires. Then he races out of the room, running back towards John's pod.

John hasn't disengaged yet. He needs to hurry. "Come on, come on." He changes the clip in his gun and checks John's EEG readings.

Finally, John exits his pod. "It's about damn time. What did you do, play a round of golf? We've got serious problems."

"What happened?" John asks. Then it looks like he sees something behind Rodney, he shouts, "Get down!"

Rodney ducks and John fires his clip into the Wraith.

" _That_ happened." Rodney exclaims. He aims his own gun at the injured creature, "Not so hot now."

"Our ships are coming." The Wraith growls, "They will retrieve what I have learned. Earth will soon be ours."

"Not if I can help it." John fires another couple shots into the Wraith, killing it completely.

Although, the Aurora Captain never saw the contents of the communiqué, he gave John his assurance that he would activate the self-destruct code once the Wraith cruisers got close enough to be taken out with the blast. As the Daedalus slips out of range, Rodney and John watch the explosion unfold in the distance.

.

.

After they return to Atlantis, Rodney finds himself back where he started. He really tried; really, really tried.

He'd been hoping this his efforts aboard the Aurora would amount to something. He'd imagined himself rescuing John in a more dramatic fashion. At least he'd hoped that the fact that he'd risked his life to save John's would be taken as mildly heroic, something that would have proven his worth again.

But it hasn't really worked out that way.

He has tried so hard over the last months to make it up to John over the Doranda incident. Nothing has made a difference. Rodney wants to give up this desperate need for approval that he has, this desperate need to have John like him again. Only he can't.

Staring up at the night sky from his position on the West pier, Rodney listens to his sad song, 'Under the Milky Way Tonight'. He wishes he could stop feeling so much but he is completely at John's mercy. Hopelessly in love with him.

Things have only gotten worse since that trip to Earth. Rodney can't even imagine that John has a loveless fascination with him anymore. There is no kind of fascination at all. John simply tolerates him.

Rodney wishes he was something more. Something more interesting, more courageous, like Ronon. Anything. But he is just Rodney. And no one really likes Rodney. He should be used to it by now.

.

.


	27. McKay makes John give him what he wants

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On their next off world outing, Rodney is in a sour mood. He doesn't know why John even bothered to include him on this low priority mission. Frankly it is beneath his talents, running around on a wild goose chase, looking for an unlikely ZPM.

Complaining, he tells the team, "Every second I am out of my lab is a second the galaxy goes without another ground-breaking…"

Something cold and hard hits his body with force and Rodney falls forward into darkness.

.

.

When he wakes, he is tied to a chair. A sack blindfold is pulled away from his face and Rodney sees that he and the rest of the team are tied to chairs at some kind of macabre dinner table.

They don't recognize the men or understand why they have been taken at first, but then they see familiar face. Ford.

Ford tries to put them at ease, telling them they are among friends and to eat the food.

Rodney digs in eagerly and speaks with a mouthful, "Maybe you should start with how you managed to escape being culled by the Wraith Dart, hmm?"

John glowers at Rodney.

"What?" Rodney keeps chewing, "I get nervous, I get hungry."

They listen to Ford's story of how he escaped from the Wraith after he was taken in the beam. Still chewing, Rodney reflects, "It's the enzyme, it makes you immune to the Wraith stunner. When you re-materialize, you're awake as opposed to-"

"As opposed to dead." Ford finishes the thought. He explains how he recruited other men to take the enzyme as well. Together they have been killing Wraith and harvesting it from them.

Ford is emphatic, "I mean look at me. Look at me! …I walked off a Wraith cruiser. It works!"

Ronan has joined in eating, "Wait a second, All your people here, they're on the enzyme?"

"Of course." Ford is proud. He goes on to detail the growing scope of their operation, how they even have Wraith captives on their base, to feed their supply.

"Why'd you jump us?" John asks.

"Yeah." Ford paces, "Yeah, I'm sorry about that, but it was the only way to get you here."

"Why didn't you just tell us where you were?" John frowns, "You know we would have come."

"Yeah, you and a special ops team." Ford licks his lips.

"No, no" John tries to deny it.

"I know you think I'm crazy." Ford is dead serious, "I brought you all here to show you that you're wrong. I mean, do I look crazy? Do I seem out of control?"

Rodney mulls over the recent kidnapping and the last time Ford said he was going to kill him, "We speaking in relative terms, or, um…"

Everyone eats in silence for a while as Ford tells them how they have refined the drug, learned how to regulate and administer it a variety of ways.

"We've gotten so good, we can even lace food with it." He adds.

Immediately, they all stop eating.

"Excuse me?" Rodney mumbles through a mouthful of food.

"Congratulations," Ford looks at him, "you just had your first dose."

"What?" Rodney chokes on the food his mouth and violently spits it out onto the table.

Ford claims that he thought long and hard about how to convince Dr. Weir and the military that the enzyme is safe. He believes that it is the first step to defeating the Wraith.

"Are you out of your mind!?" Rodney screams in outrage as he stands up.

"Hey, settle down, McKay!" Ford shouts.

"No, I will not settle down!" Rodney slams his palm onto the table, "I've been drugged against my will you little punk!"

"You should not have done this Aiden!" Teyla is furious.

Ford laughs and claps his hands, "Hey, be as mad as you want. Couple days? You'll be thanking me. We'll have a good laugh about this. Now eat up."

Ronan tries to lunges at Ford again but is pushed back by Ford's men.

"I'm itchy." Rodney frets, "I'm itchy all over. This is exactly what happened when I toked pot once in college."

.

.

* * *

.

.

John speaks with Ford privately and tries to talk some sense into him. Ford tells him that John's food wasn't laced like the others. He wants John to testify as a witness to Elizabeth that the drug works. In the mean time, Ford tells him the team is free to have their run of the base.

When John and the others reach the DHD, they soon discover the reason Ford is unconcerned about having them roam free. The control crystals are missing. There is no way to dial out.

They consider their options. John suggests that they play along and wait for Ford to make a mistake. Teyla and Ronan hope the drug will not have much effect since they don't seem to be feeling it yet and speculate about refusing to eat in the future.

"Well this thing is useless." Rodney shakes his hand at the dialing device, "And I ate my face off, and I can tell you I can feel it working."

"There's a good possibility that everything you're feeling right now might be psychosomatic." John says trying to calm him.

"Oh, is that right, Professor Science?" Rodney snipes, "Is that your expert opinion?"

"Yes it is." John answers.

But Rodney keeps going, he always seems to have to have the last word, "Well, I can tell you, when they up the dosage, the side effects will be VERY real, and VERY unpredictable."

By the time they return to the dining area, Rodney is pacing around recounting the list of his perceived symptoms, "Seriously... I'm getting, ah, chills and hot flashes, chills and hot flashes, again and again… none of you are feeling that?

"The enzyme's side effects are going to be the least of his concerns if he keeps this up." Ronan growls to John.

"I know, just be patient." John mediates.

"Historically, that hasn't been a strength for me." Ronan tells him.

"I know." John keeps his voice steady, realizing that everyone on his team seems different, more edgy or intense than their usual selves.

Ford strides into the room and announces that he will be talking Sheppard and Teyla with him on an off world mission -to show them the ropes.

"What about us?" Rodney asks.

"Jace," Ford gestures to a slight man, "will give you the grand tour, show you what we've done with place. How does that sound?"

"Oh, it sounds delightful." Rodney sounds bitter.

"Okay, good, then if Sheppard tries anything off world, you'll be nice and close for me to kill you both."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney realizes he has just had his life threatened, but he feels odd… hot and excited, not scared the way he normally would be. _Yeah, fuck off Sheppard. This is SO not psychosomatic._

He is given a tour of their hodge-podge lab. But Rodney is restless and having trouble listening. He snaps his focus back when Jace starts talking about deciphering the Wraith language.

Interesting. They have deduced that the Wraith are working on a way to limit inter-ship communication. Ford and his guys have been able to gather enough intel to predict the course of a nearby Hive ship and where it will stop to feed over the next week or so.

Then, they take Rodney for another dose, this time shooting it in directly in his arm. This is so wrong, Rodney has to look away. It hits him in a rush, he feels flushed and excited… And good, impossibly good.

When John and Teyla get back, Ford outlines the details of the plan to take out the Hive ship. He smiles, asking John what he thinks.

After a long pause, John simply says, "Wow."

"Wow?" Ford asks softly.

"You heard me." John stays ambiguous.

With the heat in his chest rising, Rodney is unable to contain his opinion and he blurts out, "Let me see if I can couch what Colonel Sheppard means by, 'Wow', in more explicit terms. That is a terrible plan-"

"Rodney." Teyla breaks in.

"Made all the more frightening by the fact that you think it's a good plan." Rodney finishes.

Ford takes them all on a walk through the fields to show them a Wraith Dart that has been hidden at the edge of the tree-line. He says that it needs some repairs and a real pilot.

"This is why you brought us here." John says with realization.

"It's the reason I waited till now, yes." Ford admits.

One of Ford's men hits Rodney on the shoulder, "Assuming this guy can get it working again."

"He can." Ford says confidently, "These people are the best at what they do."

The guy standing next to Rodney explains that all John has to do is take them in and drop them off in the Hive ship. Once they've laid the charges, John can just scoop them back up in the pattern buffer

Rodney objects, telling them that the plan is far from perfect.

He is surprised to hear John answer, "But, it IS possible."

"Are you honestly considering this?" Rodney sputters.

"It's on it's way to a culling, Rodney." John says casually.

"Yeah, and I am sorry about that, but this is insane." Rodney feels so hyped up; he has to focus just him himself standing still.

"Maybe not." John tilts his head.

John has gone insane.

When Ford asks Rodney if he can fix it, he tells him, "Probably not."

"That usually means, yes." John betrays him by telling the truth.

 _Fuck you, John._ Rodney stares at him incredulously, "Aren't you the one NOT taking the enzyme? You're supposed to be the clear voice of reason here."

"Look, can you fix it?" Ford sounds annoyed.

Rodney is irate, "Even if I could, I wouldn't." He lifts a finger at them, "I'm sorry, drug me all you want, I'm not doing this."

He turns and walks away from them with his heart pounding. So this is what it feels like to be high. It feels amazing… but Rodney hates feeling so out of control.

They stuck that needle in his fucking arm! Rodney walks for a while in the tall grasses, feeling the pleasantness of the fronds brush across his legs. He feels like he could run a marathon right now.

"Rodney." He hears the sound of John's voice behind him.

Walking angrily forward, Rodney doesn't turning around to reply, "Look, maybe you are on the enzyme, maybe Ford lied, because no rational person would think that was a good plan."

As Rodney is walking so quickly, John struggles to keep up with him.

Jogging close enough to talk, John continues, "Look a million things can go wrong, I know that, but just…" He gets impatient and yells, "Just, stop! Shut up and listen."

Fine. He stops and faces John to hear him out.

"You fix that Dart, we all get out of here. I know it's risky, but Ford's not thinking straight, so…"

"What are you talking about?" Rodney glares at John, his face flushed from the rush of the drug.

"I'll insist you're all on the away team." John furrows his brows, "I'll scoop you up, and instead of flying out to the Hive ship, we fly out to Atlantis.

"How?" Rodney folds his arms defiantly. John looks so sexy when he's trying to be the sincere team leader. Rodney just wants to-

"That Dart's gotta have it's own DHD, right?"

Rodney tries to focus on what John is saying. Yes… he's right. "Of course." He answers.

"Well," John keeps the small furrow in his brow, but his voice is excited, "you get that thing fight-worthy, we all go home."

Relaxing his arms, Rodney feels stupid. Why didn't he think of that? Probably because he is high out of his mind. "Right, of course." Rodney gestures, "See, now, you see, I would have thought of that myself before I became a drug addict."

John looks so damn hot right now. God. He is standing so close-

"I'm sure you would have."

Conflicted, Rodney tries not to think of John that way. He should be keeping a clear head, not flying off the handle all the time. He buries his face in his hand, "I'm sorry."

He is awash with guilt for a moment but the feeling fades into a pleasant rush of adrenaline. His hand drops away from his face as he turns back to walk in the direction of the base.

Then John touches Rodney's arm, he squeezes it affectionately.

It's been a while since John has done that. Oh God. Rodney is burning up. A warm sensation arcs through his chest and into his groin.

Rodney feels his cock begin to harden. John lets go and the two of them continue walking.

Ugh, it's getting too hot. Rodney places his hand on his forehead to see if he is as warm as he feels. He can't tell. Struggling with his jacket, Rodney stops walking completely. He finally gets it off and throws it to the ground.

"Hey buddy, you doing okay?" John walks up to him and puts a hand back on Rodney's arm.

Trembling with desire he stares at John, feeling angry and aroused at the same time, "Oh, am I you're buddy again, now? Is that what this is?"

John looks confused. And Rodney is consumed by the overwhelming desire to knock him back to the ground.

The same way John threw Rodney onto that couch and pressed his body up against him.

"I, uh-" John opens his mouth.

He does it without thinking, lunging himself at John, kicking the back of his legs out from under him and pinning him the ground. It is surprisingly effortless.

"Okay. Easy, budd-… Just easy." John stares up at Rodney in surprise.

Grabbing John's hand, he pulls them over his head. He can feel John resisting, but Rodney overpowers him easily. Rodney uses his legs to keep John's lower body in place and lets him chest lie against John's.

Oh. So, this is what it feels like to be strong. It feels good. John looks worried as a smile creeps over Rodney's face.

"Rodney?" John's voice comes out choked.

Now Rodney is lost in the wonderful sensations running through his body. He rubs against John and moans. Just for a minute. He just wants to know what it's like to take something you want. Just for a minute. Rodney breathes heavily against John neck.

John struggles under him but Rodney holds him down. Why is this such a turn-on? Having John under him, powerless… He lifts his head to look at John.

"No Rodney, not like this." John whispers with wide eyes. He is breaking the spell of warm intoxication.

"How then?" Rodney hisses angrily, "You just always take what you want and YOU don't care how anybody feels…"

Thinking better of what he is saying, Rodney's voice gets calm again, "That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just… It's not fair that you get to do whatever you want… I should be able to do what I want…"

"What do you want Rodney?" John's mouth hangs open.

Moaning unrepentantly, Rodney lets himself grind on top of John. He knows John can feel his hard cock rubbing against him. It feels like John is hard too. Staring intently, Rodney lowers his face until it is almost touching John's.

"I want to make you feel good."

John has stopped struggling for the moment. He must realize Rodney has the upper hand, as his body stiffens and his voice gets stern, "Rodney, this is not the time."

Why is he resisting this? Rodney knows John wants it. He lifts his head back and peers deeply into John's eyes.

The words come out in rush, too fast, "But there's never a time-you know that. And-and I know-I'm so out of my mind right now-I wouldn't be doing any of this if I wasn't on the drug. So-so-so why not now? There can only be now."

He easily holds John's hands in place with one arm and uses the other to start unbuttoning his pants. Yes, John is hard. John struggles against him but Rodney knows he wants it. Rodney tells him breathlessly, "You can stop me if it doesn't feel good… Can you tell me that you really don't want this?"

Turning his face toward the ground, John moans. Rodney has almost got his pants down off his hips but John bucks and struggles.

Using his newfound strength, Rodney pushes John back to the ground. Wow, it feels good to be so strong, stronger than John. Rodney would never hurt him, he just wants to make John feel something... to make John want him, the way John has made Rodney want.

It isn't fair. Until this stupid enzyme started fucking with his brain, Rodney had been trying so hard to get over him. Now he is so hard for John. Too hard, and Rodney needs him to feel something now. He takes John's cock out and tightens his hand around it. It's gloriously hard and so huge.

Reluctantly, he lets it go and uses both of his arms again to hold John's hands above his head. As he keeps John's body in place with his own weight, he can feel John's cock pulsing under him.

Leaning next to John's ear, he whispers fiercely, "Tell me that you want it."

John turns his head away from Rodney, burying his face against his shoulder. Rodney moves his lips down to the edge of John's neck where it meets his black T-shirt. He bites down, harder than he means to and John cries out.

Suddenly he releases John's hands, worried he has hurt him. John's body goes slack and stays submissively under him.

Rodney feels emboldened. He leans in again to whisper, more plaintive this time, "Tell me that you want it."

.

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* * *

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.

John's eyes are closed and he is conflicted, but then he speaks clearly. "I want it."

He doesn't know what Rodney plans to do with him but, God help him, he does want it. Why does he want this? He knows it is wrong. Every time he gets too close to McKay, something goes wrong.

The image of the last time he fucked McKay has haunted him for over a year. That horrible scene with Rodney crying in the shower… He'd sworn he would stay away. He doesn't know how he hurt Rodney but he can't do it again. Only now Rodney is making him feel too much desire… He can't resist.

It's wrong letting Rodney do something he will regret later. John is the only one thinking straight, so it is up to him to be clear headed. But it is so hard to think with all the blood rushing to his cock. And Rodney is touching his cock …And he can't, he just can't think anymore.

Oh God. He's got John's pants down around his ankles. And now Rodney's lips are spreading around his cock, sucking him.

An incredible warmth ripples throughout John's body and his back arches. It is too late. He can't stop himself now. John has never felt anything like this; it is totally different having a man's mouth on his cock.

Rodney's wet mouth on his cock... And he is taking John so deep in his throat. His hands, such strong hands, fondling his balls. The licking, the sucking, the rhythm… Rodney is too good at this.

John had once wondered if Rodney had much experience with men, now he knows. Rodney seems to sense just how much is needed to take John right to the brink and pull him back again.

A thought that someone might find them like this passes through John's mind, but the thrill of pleasure makes the fear disappear.

He can't believe what Rodney is doing to his body. 'Fuck. God, Rodney. What are you doing to me?'

Fuck, it's so good. John's hands grasp and release at the tall grass growing up around them, he writhes under Rodney's ministrations. Helpless to the pleasure.

 _'Oh, God. Rodney, I never knew it could feel like this.'_

One of Rodney's hands stretches up under John's shirt, trailing down his chest and onto John's pelvis. As Rodney sucks, he uses his hands to heighten the sensations. He pets John stomach and threads into the dark patch of hair between John's legs. John hears himself moaning.

The pace is more intense now, Rodney is going to take him over the edge, there is no room for guilt anymore, just utter abandon.

John screams and chokes out Rodney's name in a blinding flash of white ecstasy. Rodney is sucking, swallowing every wave of John's pulsing cock.

And it keeps coming; wave, after wave of pleasure. He can feel Rodney' throat groaning around his cock as he sucks the last of John's cum, draining him completely.

He can't move, can't open his eyes. John is radiating, his whole body tingling and limp.  
It is too much…

Everything is so still and quiet.

Where is Rodney? He can't feel him anymore. John opens his eyes and tries to sit up. He is alone in the clearing.

What has he done? "Rodney?"

"McKay?" He calls out.

Now is the time for guilt. This was bad John, very, very, bad. He remembers Rodney chiding him earlier about the unpredictable side effects of the drug.

And John had let this happen anyway. He had let Rodney do something, that even Rodney admitted he would never have done if it hadn't been for the drug in his system.

Reaching down to pull up his pants, John feels remorseful. He's got to pull it together; he's the goddamn team leader. John brushes as much of the loose grass off of his clothes as he can and decides to talk to Ford about decreasing Rodney's dosage.

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.


	28. Rodney spills the sordid sexual details

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"How'd that go?" Ford greets John back in the bunker.

His face goes flush before he remembers that Ford is talking about the Dart repairs. "Well, he'll do it, but we need some conditions."

"What?"

"Dial back McKay's enzyme doses." John tries to sound impassive.

"No." Ford says rebelliously.

"Look," John's voice betrays some strain, "we're under some time constraints here."

He tries to be diplomatic, "I'm not saying the enzyme wouldn't help, I'm just saying we need him standing still and thinking not running laps because it feels good."

Ford looks like he is considering it, "Ronan and Teyla?"

"Stick to the plan." John assures him.

"Fine," Ford agrees. "What else?"

"I'll fly it, that's obvious, but I want McKay, Teyla, and Ronan on the strike team.' John continues.

"It's not a good mission for McKay. It could get rough in there." Ford looks suspicious.

John's got to keep Rodney with him.

"Look," realizing he sounds too adamant, John tries to bring his tone back to an easy cadence, "If suddenly we need a door open, or a computer hacked, McKay should be there to do it. That's why he's on my team in the first place."

Ford seems to give in and gives a handshake on the deal.

Letting out a sigh of relief, he goes to find Ronan and Teyla.

.  
.

John doesn't see Rodney again until it is time his next dose. Ford's men have been injecting his team few a couple days now. John watches to make sure Rodney is getting a lower amount, as Ford promised.

Rodney flickers to meet his eyes for a moment and John smiles, trying to convey to him that it will be okay. But Rodney ducks back out to work on the ship repairs; John decides to give him some distance.

Over the next few days they see little of each other and don't speak when they do. No one seems to notice. When Ford tells John that he is needed to test flight controls, he manages to get into the craft without making any eye contact with Rodney. Rodney busies himself with the circuitry, frowning in concentration.

They say few words. John wonders if Rodney hates him now.

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.

Later that night, John's guilt gets the better of him; he seeks Rodney out while he is alone with the Dart. They are losing daylight John knows Rodney has to head back soon anyway.

When Rodney sees John, he looks frightened and cornered.

"Rodney." He is so sorry for what happened and has to say something to ask Rodney's forgiveness.

"Look Colonel," Rodney cuts him off, "I am truly sorry for what happened and I promise it will never, EVER happen again. They've got me on a lower dose now and I'm feeling much more like myself."

"No," John tries to jump in, "Rodney it wasn't your fault, if anyone should be sorry it's me, I'm the one who should be thinking straight-."

"So we can put this behind us?" Rodney sounds desperate, "I would just hate to think…."

"Yeah, Rodney." John's chest feels heavy, "We can do that."

It's not like they haven't done that before, and that's all he really wanted, wasn't it? For Rodney to absolve him from his guilt?

"Right." Rodney winces a smile, "So another one for the 'don't talk about' file."

"Sure." John sighs and offers a meager smile himself.

Rodney looks sickened, as if he can't bear to face John anymore. He turns back to the ship, "So, I'm almost done here, if you want to let me…"

Not feeling any better, John backs away. As he heads to the bunker, he thinks about how he much he hates this. He hates failing people he cares about. And he has done nothing but fail Rodney. Just like he has failed Ford everyone else that ever mattered.

Wretched with guilt, John tries to set things right with Ford instead. Hoping to appeal to his sentiment, John tells Ford about how he visited his family on Earth while he was there.

"They miss you. A lot. This whole MIA thing is killing them."

"They're strong. They can wait." Ford tells John that he wants to go home but is resolute that his master plan is more important.

.  
.

Feeling very alone, John tries to talk to Teyla and Ronan, "Well, part of me thinks he brought us here because he knew we'd bring him back. I think subconsciously he knows what our plan is, and he's fine with it."

They don't seem to be listening and break out into a fistfight with each other over some food.

"Stop guys- Stop!" John intercedes, but Ronan throws him to the ground.

He tries to right himself, "What the hell has gotten into you two? Oh, right. Never mind."

John wishes he had someone to talk this out with, but he is the only one left that is thinking clearly. This fact is made more apparent by the fact that Ronan and Teyla seem to have changed their minds about the enzyme and think Atlantis should consider it.

Rodney comes in to tell them that the Dart is ready. He flits his eyes about the room, not settling his gaze on any of them. John doesn't see Rodney again until the test flight the following morning.

.  
.

While John is in the cockpit, Rodney leans over him to supervise John on the controls. He relays a lot of information but it is so indirect, without any eye contact.

He watches Rodney's face while he talks but Rodney keeps his head facing forward, talking to the controls.

John turns back to the screen to understand Rodney's instructions, then he feels Rodney looking at him.

The hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He still has a mark on his shoulder from where Rodney bit him.

Ford approaches them, pleased that the Dart is ready.

Climbing down the latter, Rodney lowers himself. His head is eye level now with John's.

And finally, he looks at John directly. His eyes are worried and resentful as if he is telling John, _'This really, really sucks.'_

Rodney doesn't actually say it, but it feels like he did. John gazes back at him, trying to say how sorry he is with his eyes.

As Rodney walks away Ford remarks, "Seems a little nervous."

"You know McKay, he'll be fine." John plays nonchalant.

But Ford tells John there has been a change of plans and suddenly Ford's men have weapons pointed on Rodney from all sides.

"What the hell are you doing?" John demands.

"McKay's gonna stay here while we do the op." Ford tells John. To his men he yells, "Take him!"

"What? No! No, no, no, no!" John hears Rodney struggling as they take him away. His face goes to fury, "This wasn't part of the plan."

"Neither was you heading back to Atlantis. You didn't really buy the whole 'I wanna go home' speech, did you? Huh? Always underestimating me, Sheppard, you need to stop doing that." Ford goes on, "Complete the mission and McKay lives."

"We can't complete the mission, Ford. It's a bad plan!" John groans.

Ford pauses, "You said it was a great plan."

"You didn't buy to the whole 'It's a great plan' speech, did you?" John is sour.

Unmoved, Ford tells John to get the Dart in the air and beam the team up. He adds that the Dart DHD will only dial the gate for the mission and back, "Just in case McKay's life isn't enough to get you to do the right thing."

Keeping his rage in check, John gathers his self-control. He has no choice now but to complete Ford's fucked up mission.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Back at the base, Rodney fidgets as he watches the men shoot themselves up with the drug; it is a very disturbing sight. He stands up from the table, pacing and ranting about long the mission is taking. Where are John and the others? They should be back by now. He tries to calculate the exact amount of time it would take but his brain is firing erratically.

He knows it has been too long; John should have been back by now. Hours have gone by and Rodney tries to appeal to the addled men. He begs them to give him the control crystals so he can go for help. But they refuse to allow him in Ford's office and tell him at gunpoint that if he wants the crystals, he has to go through them first.

Fighting his self pity and despair, Rodney stalks away, trying try to come up with another plan. Then he slinks into the lab where the enzyme is stored, finding the bottles of the stuff. He looks at the case grimly, this might not be the best plan he's ever had. After wrestling with himself internally, he decides it's his only option.

His face set in determination, he reaches for one of the small bottles. Then, he changes his mind, taking the largest container instead. He shoots himself up. Needle-full after needle-full. Oh, he can barely hold his arm still. As he injects the last of the bottle, he is gasping. He might be about to have a heart attack...

No. He can do this. He feels like a superhero. He can destroy anything in his path. Rodney catches his breath and runs back to where the men are guarding the crystals. He grabs them and flings them easily about the room. They know how to fight, but they can't match his strength.

"And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!" Rodney screams at the unconscious men on the floor.

By the time, he reaches the gate, Rodney feels like he is losing his mind. He blinks telling himself manically, "Okay, focus. Focus."

It feels like he is having an aneurism and an orgasm at the same time. Fuck. He talks through the dialing process, hearing his own voice rattling incoherently back at himself.

When the wormhole opens, Rodney shakes in concentration, "Okay, go home."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Carson meets Elizabeth and Caldwell outside the infirmary to give them an update on Rodney's condition, "I've sedated him." He looks back into the room where Rodney is secured to a gurney, "I've administered a beta-blocker to bring his blood pressure down to a more manageable level. It's a wonder he didn't suffer a stroke."

Caldwell asks if Rodney has said anything else to help them locate the rest of the team.

"Nothing coherent, I'm afraid." Carson is sorry report, "By the time he arrived here, he was hyperventilating, pulse extremely rapid. He could barely get out a word." He looks back to his friend twitching on the hospital bed, "Although, being Rodney, he certainly tried."

When Elizabeth hears what an incredibly high dosage Rodney took, she wonders if they can wean him off it.

"I wish I could." Carson tells them, "Unfortunately, Lieutenant Ford took the last supply of our enzyme when he left Atlantis, so an incremental withdrawal is out of the question."

Even if they managed to harvest more from some Wraith it be too late to keep Rodney from going into withdrawal. Carson tells them gravely "No, I'm afraid, for Rodney, the only choice is-"

"Cold turkey." Caldwell answers.

"Aye, to put it bluntly. I can administer some drugs to help ease the process… anti-nausea medication, pain reliever, benzodiazepine for anxiety, as well as a multivitamin injection to bolster the immune system."

"Good." Elizabeth nods.

He continues, "But there's no dodging the fact, it's gonna be difficult, possibly even deadly."

Carson licks his lips nervously as he looks back to his friend. He feels a great affection Rodney and he will see him through this to the end.

When Rodney comes to and regains consciousness, he orders Carson, "Don't just stand there, get me more enzyme."

"We don't have any." Carson tells him softy.

"It's the cave, Ford's cave." Rodney gasps, "He's got a whole cabinet of it. There's dozens of vials."

If they could get more of the enzyme, they could taper Rodney off, the risk of death would go down dramatically. Carson leans in and enunciates, "Do you know the address?"

"No." Rodney's face is red as he huffs.

"I'm sorry Rodney." Carson leans back sadly.

"You don't have to scream at me!" Rodney yells.

Carson keeps his voice low and reassuring, "I'm not screaming."

"Well this is fun for you, isn't it, watching me like this?" Rodney sputters angrily.

"I assure you, it's not." Carson looks at him with compassion.

"What is this payback?" Rodney rages, "You're jealous, huh? You're jealous of how vital am to this mission. Vital, vital –Nnn, jealous of how-how I get to go offworld."

Rodney's voice cracks as he yells, "and you get stuck in this stupid, pathetic excuse for a hospital."

"You know that's not true." Carson tries to reason with him.

Struggling in his restraints like he is having a seizure, Rodney accuses him, "Jealous I get all the woman and you don't."

"Excuse me?" If Carson weren't so worried about Rodney he would laugh.

"Please, just give me little enzyme, just enough to take the edge off. I'm dying here." Rodney begs.

"I told you we don't have any." Carson is patient.

"What you think I don't know you're lying?" Rodney flies into a rage.

"I'm not lying." Carson shakes his head.

"You are." Rodney insists, "You think I don't think you are, but you are. And don't think I won't forget it!"

Rodney makes a choking sound and Carson asks, "What?"

"I don't know." Rodney sobs and leans back into the pillow, "Just kill me."

"I wish I…." Carson sighs to himself, He wishes could do something more for Rodney.

"I'll pass." He says trying to sound strong.

"Don't shout! I am right here!" Rodney convulses.

Carson turns to the nurses in the adjoining room, "Perhaps we should move him to a more secluded area."

"What, so you can kill me in private? Stab another knife in my back, huh?" Rodney panics.

"Rodney, no one's trying to kill you." Carson places his hands gently on Rodney's chest.

Rodney struggles and looks like he is trying to figure out what is real and what isn't. Carson thinks if he can get Rodney into environment that feels safer, he might be able to reassure him.

"You have no idea of the agony I'm going through." Rodney pleads.

"Oh, I have an inkling." Carson looks down with empathy.

Carson has his assistants help him wheel Rodney into a private room. While they get everything set up, Rodney yells at them all incoherently.

He keeps assuring Rodney that no one wants to kill him while he ushers the assistants out and closes the door.

Then he pulls up a chair next to Rodney's bedside, where he can watch the vitals on the screen and easily reach any off the medications he might need to administer at a moment's notice.

"You never liked me, you just want to see me suffer." Rodney spasms.

"You know that's not true, Rodney. I'm your friend." Carson reaches out and pats his arm.

"I don't have friends!" Rodney sneers.

"Yes, you have lots of friends here on Atlantis." Carson assures him, "There's Colonel Sheppard, and-"

"Oh, God!" Rodney chokes and lunges against his restraints, "John. Oh, no, no, no, no. What have I done?"

Concerned, Carson asks him, "I don't know Rodney, what have you done?"

"Oh, fuck." Rodney shakes his head from side to side on the pillow. "Why did I do that to him?"

With horror on his face, Rodney stares up him, "Oh my God. I just want to die. Now really want to die."

"Is Colonel Sheppard all right?" Carson asks.

"Mmmmmm." Rodney makes a high-pitched moan, "I don't know- I don't know."

"It's okay." Carson pats Rodney's arm, "What happened?"

Rodney starts to hyperventilate and Carson pets him arm reassuringly, "It's okay. Just breathe."

"I was trying to make things up to him- after Doranda." Rodney looks up at the ceiling still breathing hard.

"He was so mad, and, and, I then I- I, was on the enzyme, I wasn't on this much, not this much, but he hadn't had any, so it wasn't a fair fight."

"Did you fight Colonel Sheppard, Rodney?"

"No-no-no-no" Rodney shakes his head, "I gave him a blowjob. I made him tell he wanted it. The way he made say I wanted it, when fucked me in the supply closet. I shouldn't have-shouldn't have."

Sure that Rodney is delirious, Carson pats his arm one final time, "It's okay Rodney, you don't know what you're saying right now."

"Oh, I know what I'm saying-I know what's real." Rodney bucks against his restraints.

"And let me assure you, this is very real. It's been real since the day you first introduced me to him. I thought, I thought, he was hot, but I never thought he would.-

You-know-what? He fucked me, okay? He fucked that first night, on the couch, in the game room."

Carson looks at Rodney with confusion.

"Yeah!?" Rodney yells, "You remember Antarctica?

That was fucking real! He fucked me every day we were there. Every day until he changed his mind and left, and, and, and, you told me he changed his mind, I-I think it had something to do with me, I don't know why.

But that's when he stopped fucking me. But, but, does-he-stop-fucking-toying-with-me?!

No! He comes to stay with me back on Earth, stays in my apartment, always, always with the touching.

Rubbing up on me while he gives me shooting lessons, getting close, flipping me over, pinning me down-

But, no! When I try to kiss him, he pushes me against the wall. Then he fucks Chaya instead of me."

As he listens to the bizarre story, Carson's eyes are getting wider. There are some factual details mixed in there… Could any of this possibly be real?

"Yes, yes! Chaya, you remember Chaya? That was real. That happened. Just like I gave him a fucking blowjob on Ford's planet! Okay?!"

"It's not fair." Rodney pants for a moment, then cringes and moans into the pillow "You don't know what it's like.

Missing him all the time. Missing his hands on my skin, I –I –I can't get over him and, and he won't let me go, even though he doesn't want me anymore. He toys with me and won't let me go, and I still want him, I want him, I want…"

Rodney sobs into the pillow, "I love him. Oh. Oh, God. He's going to hate me even more now. But he let me do it. Why did he let me do it? Why did he let me? Why-why-why-why?…"

"I don't know, Rodney." Carson takes a breath and shakes his head.

"There's something wrong with me." Rodney moans, "Why do I love someone who will never love me back? I hate myself. I hate myself and I want to die."

"No, Rodney you want to live." Carson reaches over to touch Rodney's arm again.

"I want to die." Rodney shakes his head in misery, "He doesn't care about me, nobody cares about me. It's like Alex said, like he said."

"Alex?" Carson inquires softy.

"Always said I was worthless." Rodney's face bunches up in pain and chokes out, Pathetic. No..."

He shakes his head, "So mean to me. Said I deserved it, cause I'm, I'm… Oh. Pathetic."

Rodney makes another sobbing sound.

Seeing that Rodney's vitals ticking up, Carson tries to stop the train of thought, "Rodney?"

But Rodney continues to sob; his face is getting red. It looks like he is holding his breath to stop himself.

Standing up, Carson and leans over his friend and puts his hands on Rodney's chest, "Rodney, Rodney, breathe."

Finally, Rodney opens his teary eyes and starts breathing more normally.

"Okay keep breathing." Carson holds his gaze, "In and out. Slowly… In and out."

Though Rodney can't seem to manage to do it slowly, he otherwise complies. He continues to rant and rave about John, his past relationship with Alex, and the fact that nobody cares about him.

Carson tries his best to calm Rodney down. At several points Rodney describes sexual scenes in such graphic detail that Carson doesn't doubt that he is recounting real memories.

The last think Carson wants to think about is Colonel Sheppard's cock. Clearly, Rodney thinks about it a lot. He just wishes that Rodney would stop being so graphic.

As the hours go by, Rodney seems to hit a turning point. His vitals start to ease back down. When Carson gives him the next dose of painkillers, Rodney passes out. He is through the worst of it now and should be able to rest. Carson finally lets himself relax.

.

.

Elizabeth steps into the room and asks Carson, "How is he?"

"Asleep, finally, mercifully." Carson sighs with relief.

She smiles and wonders, "Has he mentioned anything about Sheppard and the others?"

Well, Rodney mentioned Sheppard, but nothing relevant to finding him. Carson answers, "No, not yet… Our conversation was of a different sort." He confides, "I feel not unlike the priest in 'The Exorcist'.

Now, that's all he's ever going to say about that. Carson looks back to Rodney, "But he's lived through the worst of it. The nausea has passed, his pulse has returned to normal, blood pressure in a more reasonable range, considering his borderline hypertension before taking the enzyme."

"Good." Elizabeth is pleased.

"I hate to say it, but his stubbornness is probably what sustained him through the ordeal." Carson admits.

Elizabeth lifts her brows, "We won't tell him that though."

"Aye, mustn't feed the beast." Carson agrees.

"No… You look exhausted. You should get some rest." Elizabeth tells him.

But Carson isn't leaving until Rodney is back to normal. "I'll stay with him just a wee bit longer, just to make sure he's out of the woods."

.

.


	29. John can't get over that blowjob

.  
.

When Rodney has recovered from his withdrawal, he tries not to think about what happened between he and John back on the planet. He pulls himself together and briefs Elizabeth on everything he knows about the mission Ford took the others on.

He gives them the coordinates of the planet that the Hive ship was headed towards and they leave aboard the Daedalus, hoping to intercept them in time to rescue the rest of the team.

When they arrive at the planet, there are two Hive ships in orbit, confounding their ability to ascertain which one John and the team might be on. They are unable to make radio contact or activate the subspace transmitters to beam them out.

Caldwell is skeptical about their survival and plans to take both Hives out by beaming nukes under their shields. But the Wraith are deploying countermeasures, jamming out the frequency.

Then the Daedalus starts to come under attack. They return fire but are outgunned. Rodney tells them that the shields are losing power fast. Worried that the location of Atlantis has been compromised, Caldwell is adamant they need to take these ships out.

"We need to win this." He tells Rodney.

Wondering how in the hell that could possibly happen, Rodney stares out the window. He sees something odd and points it out.

"Look. See that? It's a Dart firing on one of the Hive ships."

"Why?" Caldwell asks.

"Sheppard." Rodney's heart surges.

Some of the other Darts begin to break off their attack on the Daedalus, firing on the Wraith Hives instead.

"I don't believe what I'm seeing." Caldwell is stunned.

Lorne sounds impressed, "Sheppard's actually getting them to fire at each other.

Rodney's face lights up with joy, he knew John was going to make it out of this. One of the Hive ships breaks up in an explosion and the wreckage from the blast breaks through what is left of the shields on the other Hive ship.

His eyes go wide after the second blast. Both Wraith ships are gone along with all the Darts in the vicinity. As Rodney stares out the window, his stomach knots up in dread. He runs to a view screen to scan the debris and sees nothing.

He feels cold and empty as he delivers the news, "The blast has destroyed everything in a 15,000 meter radius." Rodney barely keeps his voice from breaking at the end of the sentence.

"Did any Darts survive?" Caldwell asks.

A pilot answers, "Negative sir."

Swallowing, Rodney thinks about the last time he saw John. He was climbing down the ladder while John got ready to pilot the Dart.

The expression on John's face had seemed like it was meant to be reassuring and kind. Rodney is sure of that; John was trying to tell him everything was okay between them.

And what had Rodney said with his own face when looked back at John?

Nothing good enough, not nearly good enough.

Rodney hates this feeling… the feeling that John is dead. Why does it keep happening? This time makes 3; Rodney has kept score. Not including all the times that John has almost died, just the times he has actually died. In Rodney's mind, at least. First time by bug, then it was a nuke, and this time a Dart.

And is this really the end? It can't be. ' _John, come back.'_

 _'Come back, John.'_

He waits…but this time John doesn't come back. This time he is really gone. Rodney leaves the bridge to find a place to be alone. That way no one can see him quietly come undone.

.  
.

The ride home is excruciating for Rodney. He can't stop thinking about John's face the last time they saw each other. He can't stop seeing John's beautiful face. Rodney bites the inside of his lip to stop himself from losing it completely. He has to hold it together while he is on the Daedalus.

When the Daedalus lands, Rodney gets the news that John, Teyla and Ronan are alive. The have just dialed in through the wormhole and are getting a checkup from Carson. This is longest John has ever been dead, and Rodney has to find him so that it isn't real anymore.

As he gets off the ship, Rodney breaks into a run. He has to see John. Rodney tries not to think about his experience with Carson earlier. Whatever was said falls under doctor patient confidentiality. And Carson would never say anything, would he?

He bursts into the infirmary and demands, "Why aren't you dead?"

"It's good to see you too Rodney." John turns, looking so self satisfied.

"No, no I mean…" Rodney stutters, "Well, you know what I mean. Why aren't you dead?"

John stands with his arms folded easily into each other, "Well, I knew when the Hive ships started to shoot at each other, it was just a matter of time before they blew each other up, so I went to the space gate, and dialed an address where I could land safely."

Sighing, Rodney nods his head; he can't believe he didn't think of it. John sounds too relaxed. How can he be so relaxed right now?

"I didn't think the Dart could fit in out gate room." John jokes.

"The Colonel was kind enough to make us whole again, and we returned home." Teyla says.

"I'm curious Sheppard," Caldwell asks, "how did you know the Wraith would fight each other?"

"Uh, a little intel from Ford and the gang, plus, uh, I kind of goosed things along with the queen." John answers.

Rodney is astonished how calm he sounds for a man who has just returned from the dead.

"It would appear that the Wraith are becoming more territorial than we had thought. There is definite tension growing among them." Teyla adds.

"Which is good for us." Ronan grunts.

Elizabeth agrees, "It certainly is. It also opens up a brand new strategy in fighting them."

"And, and, where is Ford?" Rodney wonders.

John doesn't answer.

Teyla breaks the silence; "He was aboard the Hive ship when it was destroyed."

"He was last seen aboard the Hive ship." John corrects her.

"What does that mean?" Rodney asks.

"Well, you know Ford..." John lowers his eyes. Rodney watches John's lips instead; it is the best way to read his emotion. "Wouldn't be surprised if he was still alive."

Right. John has made it his personal mission to find Ford and bring him back to safety. He is not going to want to give up on this. John looks at Rodney and holds his gaze for a few moments before looking away. The expression is hard to read.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Carson has noticed that Rodney has really been keeping his distance. He has conveniently 'forgotten' any plans that the two of them have made over the last few weeks.

When Carson visits the lab, Rodney doesn't even meet his eyes. He just says he's too busy. But Carson knows Rodney is lying; he's a pretty bad liar.

This afternoon, Carson has a new idea to lure Rodney out of the lab. He brews a thermos full of his best stash of coffee and stops by to tell Rodney about the premium Sumatran blend. Doesn't hurt that he has a bag full of fresh donut holes from the cafeteria, either.

"Thanks, you can just leave that here." Rodney flits his eyes over the thermos.

"Oh, no." Carson laughs, "This is coming with me for a walk on the pier. Course, you are always welcome to join."

'Come on, Rodney. We haven't talked in weeks.' Carson shakes the bag of donuts, "Guess I'll have to feast on these but myself. Pity, they're so fresh, and I won't be able to eat them all."

"Okay, where are we going?" Rodney rolls his eyes and stands.

"Right this way." Carson grins.

They walk until they find a private cozy bench overlooking the water. Carson sets out the treats and begins pouring them each a cup.

"Ohhh. That smells good." Rodney breathes in the aroma.

Carson holds out a cup and Rodney tries to take from him without any eye contact.

He keeps his grip until Rodney looks up at him, questioning. There he is. Carson smiles at him and lets go of the cup.

"Mmm... Mmm… Worth the walk." Rodney pulls it to his lips and sips lightly so as not to burn himself. The coffee is still quite hot.

"It is good." Carson sips on his own cup with satisfaction.

Rodney nods, looking out over the waves.

Wondering if Rodney will say anything on his own, Carson watches him. Probably not.

"You've been avoiding me." He blurts out.

"I've busy, that's all." Rodney frowns, his eyes locked on the horizon.

"You've been avoiding me ever since you got through the detox." Carson repeats himself more certainly.

"Oh, yeah," Rodney's shoulders hunch forward a bit, "thanks for that, by the way. And I'm sorry for anything I might have said when I wasn't it my right mind."

"Uh, well," Carson takes sip of his coffee, "you kept ranting and raving about how no one likes you and you had no friends-"

"Burden of genius, I suppose." Rodney winces, still staring straight ahead.

"You know you have friends, don't you, Rodney?" Carson looks at him with curiosity.

Shrugging, Rodney just drinks his coffee.

Carson frowns, he has often wondered why Rodney is so prickly and sarcastic and wished that the scientist would let down his guard a little. He has long suspected that Rodney is far more sensitive than he leads people to believe.

Rodney's face alone is so expressive, Carson can often see deeper emotions flash across the surface. He knows Rodney uses his intellect to hide behind, he just hasn't known why Rodney feels the need to be so defensive.

Leaning forward he confesses, "Well, I'm your friend Rodney. You're probably my closest friend here on Atlantis, and I miss you when you aren't around."

Finally, Rodney looks at him. He seems shocked with his mouth hanging open. Carson prepares himself for a sarcastic barb, but it doesn't come.

He urges Rodney, "This is the part where you say something like… 'Oh, Thanks Carson, You're my friend too.'"

Rodney closes his mouth and then offers, "Uh, thanks? I think? I mean, if you consider me a friend."

Carson gives Rodney an exasperated expression.

"I just… haven't had a lot of experience with friends… So, if you are indeed being serious, and not mocking me, then, thank you. And, I consider you a friend, also."

"Why in the world would I be mocking you?" Carson shakes his head in disbelief.

Rodney's face looks guarded.

What happened to Rodney to lead him to believe that people are out to hurt him? Maybe it has something to do with that abusive relationship Rodney had told him about, with that guy… Alex.

"Well, I'm not mocking you." Carson sighs, "I like you a lot Rodney. Sometimes I wish you were a little less prickly, but all things considered, you are pretty likeable and fun to hang out with."

The expression on Rodney's face looks less shielded. He peers at Carson uncertainly but with honest and open eyes.

There is another Rodney in there somewhere, someone he hasn't met yet, but would like to. Carson smiles, pulls out a donut, and offers it to him.

"Thanks." Rodney gives a small but genuine smile. He stuffs the donut hole in his mouth and talks while chewing, "You missed me?"

Waiting for the sarcastic comment, Carson lifts his brows.

But Rodney just says, "No, that's, that's really nice. I don't think anyone's ever missed me before."

"Wait." Rodney swallows, "This isn't cause of everything I told you about… I mean, because I'm not, not interested in you, that way-"

"I know Rodney." He cuts him off before he can make it any more awkward, something Rodney is very good at.

"That's not what I'm trying to say. Look, I don't… I'm only interested in woman when it comes to that. I was SIMPLY trying to tell you that I consider you a friend."

"Right. Sorry. I know that." Rodney drinks his coffee nervously, "Didn't mean to…"

"It's fine." Carson assures him, "Now that we've got that cleared up… More coffee?"

"Please." Rodney reaches his cup out eagerly and Carson pours them both more of the prized liquid.

"Uh, so…" Rodney flits his eyes anxiously, "That was pretty weird, when I was coming off the enzyme…"

"Do you remember?" Carson furrows his brows.

Cringing Rodney tells him "I remember everything. I wish to God I didn't but… I remember what happened on the planet and… I remember everything I said to you…" He trails off sadly.

"So, all that really happened?" Carson asks gently. "All that… stuff?"

Rodney glumly nods.

"So the two of you… Really?" Carson still can't believe it, "The first day we met him?"

Eyeing Carson warily, Rodney's expression softens, "He… He seduced me and… I fell for it."

He listens as Rodney goes on to describe the bizarre relationship between he and Colonel Sheppard in a more coherent, chronological manner. Rodney seems embarrassed at first, but when he realizes that Carson isn't judging him, he begins talking at a less rapid pace.

Hearing how physically and emotionally battered Rodney was by Alex, Carson starts to feel very protective towards his emotionally fragile friend. Then John had come into picture, treating Rodney pretty callously. Carson can understand why Rodney says he is fucked up over it.

What he can't understand, is why Rodney thinks he is in love with John Sheppard. Carson has a theory that Rodney just isn't used to healthy, positive relationships. That is why he is fixated on Colonel Sheppard.

As the story unfolds, Carson agrees that the Colonel is just toying with Rodney. And Carson doesn't like it. Either the Colonel is deeply confused himself or he is purposely cruel.

After Rodney has talked himself out, Carson admits that he is worried about him when it comes to Sheppard. He tells Rodney that he thinks it would be best of he stayed away from the Colonel. Even if Rodney is in love with him, the Colonel sounds incapable of returning the feelings.

Explaining that he just doesn't want to see Rodney get hurt, Carson tries to offer reassurances that Rodney will find someone to return his affections. He tells Rodney that he a likeable, attractive guy, that someone else will come along, someone who can treat him with love and respect. Rodney listens to Carson's advice and seems to take it to heart. Carson just hopes Rodney have the good sense to stay away.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John has been feeling 'off' ever since escaping from the Hive. What happened between he and Rodney on Ford's planet, that was… It was… something John should never have let happen, but it changed everything for him. He can't stop thinking about how Rodney made him feel.

When Rodney wrestled him to the ground, John had finally surrendered to it. Given in to the feelings that scare him the most and make him want to push Rodney away. John isn't sure what it means, he knows he can't let himself be with another man, but the desire he feels is so strong.

Over the last few months, John has kept Rodney at a distance, but Rodney is the one keeping his distance these days. Rodney used to seek John out throughout the day, always telling him about some new breakthrough.

Even when John had been in the infirmary recovering from the retrovirus, Rodney had brought him a homemade sandwich every day. Despite the fact that John has kept Rodney at arm's length, Rodney has still tried to make it up to John about Doranda. After all, John had told Rodney he could win his trust back if he 'really, really tried'.

John hadn't meant for Rodney to try so much though… like when he tried to come to John's rescue aboard the Aurora, or again when John was on the Hive ship. None of it had been necessary, but Rodney kept trying.

He had told himself he wanted some distance and perceptive. To try to get his head clear… Because John feels too much when he's close to Rodney, too conflicted; he shouldn't care so much about one particular team member. It compromises his command ability, that's all. That's all there is to it, right?

When Rodney had made that plea to go back to Doranda, John should have been objective enough to see it was a bad call. Rodney had asked John to trust him and John's heart had taken over.

But it has been unfair to mislead Rodney and let him blame himself this whole time… to let him try to make it up to John. It's never been a matter of forgiveness; it's just been an excuse to shut himself down.

Really, John was just trying to get away from himself, but he has let Rodney think it is all his fault. Yeah, Rodney made a bad call. Rodney got overconfident. But it's a mistake John has made himself many times.

Sure, John had been upset, but it was the realization of how much he trusted Rodney and relied on him that had freaked him out the most. John prefers to be invulnerable, unaffected. But now that Rodney is giving him that distance, John feels more confused than ever.

He regrets how often he has pushed Rodney away. John never means to hurt Rodney; he doesn't even realize he's doing it at the time. But looking back, John admits to himself that this is the 4th time in a year and a half that it has happened. First in Antarctica, then when Rodney had tried to kiss him, the incident on Rodney's couch, and finally Doranda…

Then there is the whole mess of what happened back on Ford's planet. It shouldn't surprise him that Rodney is done with him. John has no right to ask anything from him, but he misses him a great deal. He wants to be around Rodney again, be close the way they used to be. Back on the planet, Rodney had seemed so angry when John had called him 'buddy'.

 _"Oh, am I you're buddy again, now? Is that was this is?"_

John can't stop thinking about that amazing blowjob. He knows Rodney would never have done it if he were thinking straight. He feels so guilty for thinking about it at night while he strokes his cock. He doesn't mean to cum thinking about Rodney, but it feels so good. So fucking good. No one's ever made him cum that hard.

The problem is, that whatever is between he and Rodney, it isn't going away. No, the problem is, John doesn't want it to go away. He hates feeling so out of control.

The way Rodney makes him feel is like a current, something he just can't get away from. It is all so wrong. It has been wrong from the beginning.

And it's all John's fault. Everything is his fault.

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.


	30. Kind of even missed you a little

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.

John has gradually adjusted to life here. After 6 months, he has stopped waiting for the rescue party that never comes. He knows there must have been a good reason why they didn't come back for him, but it still hurts that he has been left behind. It's a dull kind of pain.

It reminds him of how he felt in Antarctica, numb and empty. The people living in this place are okay, they are just really, really dull.

Even Teer, his lover… She has no sense of humor. Everything is so somber and sincere. It was explained to John once he passed the threshold, that this village was created by the Ancients as a place to prepare for enlightenment. There is no return through the portal that brought him here; he is committed to remain for the rest of his days. Cheery.

Trying to find a way out, John has run every inch of the perimeter and there is no way to escape the confines of the sanctuary. Nothing but a village on the edge of a grassy plain.

So there is nothing left to do but join them in their constant mediations or keep watch out for the 'beast' that occasionally roams the fields. The thing appears sometimes but it is mostly invisible. John hasn't been able to pierce it with his bullets and it seems to disappear when he tries to fight it.

John wasn't really expecting to return to a life of silence and solitude, not after the last year and a half spent on Atlantis, but he has resigned himself to it. He misses Rodney the most.

He wishes he'd had a chance to make things right before they went on that last mission, the one that left him marooned here. He still dreams about Rodney, the blowjob and everything else... Sometimes it is sexual, but often it is just a feeling of being held or holding Rodney in his arms.

Then, when John wakes, he feels Rodney's absence. He remembers that he never held him at all. Sometimes he thinks he has a memory of Rodney holding him.

Maybe… that night after the siege ended, when Rodney came to his room. John had fallen asleep while watching the movie and he'd been having a nightmare.

In his dream, Rodney held him and made the fear go away. Was it a dream or was it real?  
He thinks it was real. John feels guilty for pushing Rodney away so much. Rodney had always been a good friend and John hadn't been fair with him… not the way he should have been.

It doesn't really matter now that his military life is over. He can let himself imagine Rodney in his arms, in his bed… And that blowjob had been like nothing John had ever felt before. He had never cum so fucking hard.

Teer is nice, she gives him comfort, but the pleasure is nominal. Like everything else here.

Joining the villagers for one of their wholesome meals, John is amused that they are discussing the concept of the 'thrill of life'. Something he has told them repeatedly that they are all missing out on.

The conversation goes quiet suddenly. And then Teer tells John that she senses 5 of his people coming for him.

Is it possible? Are they coming back for him at last? John's heart pounds in his chest.

"They're here?" He stares at her, "Are you sure? That's the best news I've heard-"

"No, John," Teer stops him, "I sense something more. The beast is nearly upon them."

He breaks out in a run toward the fields. He has been out of ammo for a while now but he has a knife. John hears gunfire as he gets close. The thing is just ahead of him and he lunges from the wooded path to grab hold of it.

The beast disappears and John falls flat onto the grass. When he gets back up, he sees Elizabeth, Rodney, Carson, Teyla, and Ronan. There are all here. They didn't forget about him.

"What the hell took you so long!?" John shouts at Elizabeth.

"Believe it or not," she tells him, "you were only gone for a couple of hours."

"Try 6 months." John frowns.

"You don't understand." Rodney jumps in, "You've been trapped in a time dilation field."

"What?" John looks at him in exasperation.

"What was that bloody thing?" Carson interrupts.

"I don't know." John turns back to Rodney, "What's a time dilation field?"

Before Rodney can explain, the beast has reappeared. It roars in front of them, larger than John has ever seen it. Knife in hand, he steps forward. Ronan steps to his side, ready to do battle.

But Teer and the others arrive, joining them in the field. As they walk toward the beast, the things gives a final roar, then fades away completely.

"That's it? That's all it took?" John asks.

Teer replies, "You were right John, we were afraid. The beast was the final burden we had to shed, manifest from our own fears. You gave us the courage to face it."

She reaches her hand out for him, "Come with us."

He sees that she is starting to glow like Chaya had. But John wants to be here with Rodney and the others.

"I'm not ready for that yet, I'm not sure I'll ever be." He tells her.

"One day, perhaps?" Teer looks at him with affection.

"Yeah, one day." John glances at the sky wondering what it would feel like to fly through it as a beam of energy.

"I'll look forward to it." Teer smiles.

The others begin to Ascend, but Teer keeps her human form a little longer, staring at John with knowing eyes.

He wishes there was something more her could express to her, but he has never been able to goodbye. He knows she can sense this, she can sense everything he is thinking and feeling, he doesn't need to tell her.

And then she is gone too.

"What is it with you and Ascended woman?" Rodney walks over to him shaking a finger at the sky.

John just shrugs.

"Well, the beard is interesting." Elizabeth teases.

"First thing to go when we get home." John scowls. Yeah. He has really missed home.

"I never thought I'd see any of you again," he admits.

"Kind of even…" John glances at Rodney, "missed you a little."

Ronan sounds unemotional, "Yeah, well, it was only a couple of hours for us, so-"

"-Ronan." Teyla cuts him off, "We were all quite worried about you."

"Of course we were." Beckett nods in agreement.

"We're just sorry we didn't get here sooner." Elizabeth confesses.

John glances around him and notices that Rodney is uncharacteristically quiet.

He decides to put an end to all this mushy talk, "Let's get out of here."

.  
.

After 6 long months John doesn't want any more time or space between he and Rodney. Not much time may have passed for Rodney, but for John, it is the longest the two of them have been apart since they met almost 2 years ago.

Well, for John, it's been longer now. John missed Rodney more than he would have thought possible. But when he tries to seek Rodney out and spend time with him again, it becomes apparent just how much distance John has managed to put between them.

And this time it feels different, it doesn't feel like Rodney is mad. He seems… really… detached, maybe? He interacts with John easily enough… and when he tells John he is too busy to hang out, he doesn't seem hurt or withdrawn. Just ambivalent.

When John sees Rodney hanging out with Carson after he has just lied about spending time in the lab, Rodney doesn't seem guilty or worried. He barely takes notice. John has finally pushed Rodney too far. He isn't coming back.

Was it the drug-addled blowjob that did it? All the times John gave Rodney the cold shoulder after Doranda? Maybe the fight in Rodney's apartment on Earth? Or the way John had pushed Rodney away after he'd tried to kiss him? Could be just the accumulation of everything? Too much…

Whatever it is, John realizes how much he has taken Rodney's friendship for granted. For some reason, he had assumed that Rodney would still be there, waiting and wanting to be buddies at the end of the day. He has always been able to get through to Rodney before… He'll just have to keep trying. Maybe Rodney will give him another chance if he really, really tries?

.

.

* * *

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.

The next month is pretty uneventful for Rodney except for a bomb scare that took some doing to get to the bottom of. A splinter group known as the Trust, was infiltrated by the Goa'uld, parasitical creatures from the Milky Way. They had taken Caldwell as a host and used him to time a ZPM to overload with the gate dialing sequence.

The Trust is not the only government splinter group with a stronghold on Earth, but certainty the most dangerous. Fortunately, they received warning from Earth just prior to dialing up for the weekly transmission.

Rodney hates to admit it, but Lieutenant Cadman was instrumental in saving day… She still completely creeps him out. And it is more than a little weird that she and Carson are dating now.

Sometimes when he sees the two of them laughing together, he feels afraid that they are laughing at him. But he doesn't let his insecurities get the better of him. Carson would never laugh at him that way.

In all the time he has known Carson, he has never ridiculed Rodney. Carson is his friend and Rodney has to trust that he would not betray him. He can only hope the same of Cadman.

.

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* * *

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.

Carson is proud of Rodney, he has been doing a good job of keeping a distance from Colonel Sheppard. He knows it isn't easy for him. Even though Carson has been enjoying his new relationship with Lieutenant Cadman, he makes sure to keep plenty of time available for Rodney, so as not to neglect their friendship.

And Carson has been extra busy lately, ever since the infiltration of a Goa'uld symbiote. Elizabeth has insisted that everyone on the Atlantis be tested for the mind-controlling parasite and it has taken up a lot of his time.

When Carson and Rodney hang out, they mostly talk of other things, but John does come up eventually, even just for a little progress report. Rodney tells Carson that John has begun treating him differently since he came back from the Ancient sanctuary.

He seems really sincere about wanting to spend time with Rodney. But Rodney hasn't fallen for it. He is polite, even friendly, but doesn't give in. Carson is pleased and hopes that this will be enough for Rodney to get over his twisted feelings for the Colonel.

Carson knows John is being persistent; a few times he has even tried to approach Rodney while he and Carson have been out together. It's nothing he would ever have thought twice about it before, but now when John approaches Rodney, Carson sees something sinister and dark- no matter how affable and easygoing the Colonel might act. Carson knows Rodney doesn't need him to fight his battles, but one time John had been insisting that they all go do something together.

Letting his emotions get the better of him, Carson had been a bit curt, saying, "Thank you, Colonel. But we already have plans that don't include you."

Before traipsing away, John had shrugged playfully, saying, "Just checkin",

For Carson, that was rudeness dialed up all the way to 11. He'd felt uncertain about his reaction and looked to Rodney, to see if he had gone to far. But Rodney's face had smiled back at him, warm and grateful.

.

.


	31. Rodney keeps his distance

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.

John is rattled when he hears the news that Rodney's Jumper has gone down over the Lantean Ocean. Zelenka is pessimistic that he survived the crash since the front part of the Jumper was flooded, cutting out communications.

He tells John, "If they didn't make it to the rear compartment in time-"

"They made it." John interrupts emphatically.

Still, Zelenka says it is going to be very difficult to locate them, and even if they could he doesn't see how they could rescue Rodney and the pilot at that depth.

"I'll handle the rescue, you just worry about finding them." John is adamant.

He has an idea already. Time to put that engineering degree to work. John directs his crew to keep soldering. He has designed a massive winch with a magnetic grapple, which he plans to attach to a pair of F-302's.

Even through the mechanism won't be strong enough to lift the Jumper all the way out of the water, it should be enough for a cutting team and rescue divers to reach them. John is sure that Rodney is still alive. He can feel it. And when Rodney gets back, John will try harder to make up for the past.

They've just got get far enough down... John's only got 1,000 feet of grappling, but the rescue Jumper should be able to submerge another 1,000. Zelenka seems to think Rodney's Jumper is deeper than that by now. But there is no way to be sure since the ocean floor of the search area varies widely.

Trying think of another way, John asks Zelenka is he can turn the Jumper's cloak into a shield.

"That would hold back the water," Zelenka answers, "yes, but it would take significantly more power."

Pleased, John tells him, "Well, we shut down everything we don't need."

Zelenka argues that it would take too long to reconfigure.

John is undeterred. "Take what we need, we'll make the changes down there."

Backtracking, Zelenka insists that he can't go because he doesn't even know how to swim.

"There's not a lot of swimming under 1,000 feet of ocean." John says wryly.

"Look, I'm not gonna order you to go." Elizabeth tells Zelanka.

"I WILL!" John raises his voice to a shout.

Finally, Zelenka relents. John pilots the ship to search coordinates Zelenka gives him and takes the Jumper down into the water. As they climb down, the radio to Atlantis starts to go out.

Before they lose contact completely, John tells Elizabeth to have the divers on Jumper 8 standing by. He can't help but be impressed by the fact that their Jumper is holding up under all the pressure. Leveling out and holding steady at 990 feet, John asks, "How's it coming?"

"All I'm getting is sporadic life-sign readings." Zelenka says uncertainly.

"As in sea monster life-signs?" John turns back in his chair quizzically.

The hull of the Jumper makes a groaning sound and John reminds him, "We're going to need those shields up and running."

"Well then," Zelenka is terse, "stop talking, please."

For a moment Zelenka reminds him of Rodney and he smiles, "Will do."

Once the shields are ready to operate, Zelenka tells him that they are drawing more power than he would like; he tells John to wait. But they are only going to have no more than 30 minutes of power to find Rodney, so John takes the Jumper down anyway, confident Rodney is alive and waiting for him.

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* * *

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.

Rodney has tried everything he could, it's a miracle he has kept the Jumper from completely flooding by now. But with a head injury and the water level reaching up to his neck, he feels himself slipping away from consciousness.

At least Sam had been there to keep him company in his last hours… Well, not really, but it turned out to be a good hallucination after all when she finally took her top off and started kissing him.

"Mmm… sexy minx."

.

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* * *

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.

John and Zelenka are having trouble detecting the Jumper but find a sea monster on radar. It is swimming is circles and John thinks it might be significant. He pilots the Jumper on that bearing to check it out.

Zelenka confirms he is right; the creature is circling the sunken vessel. They have a reading on the Jumper but it's dead, no power. The grapple won't work either because the Jumper has taken on water. A lot of water, it is nearly flooded.

Convinced Rodney is still alive, John demands they try anyway. Zelenka it adamant it won't work, saying it is a matter of physics.

"We're not coming this far without doing something!" John yells. He knows Rodney has to be alive.

At John's insistence, Zelenka comes up with another possibility. He surmises that they could use the shield to extend around both Jumpers.

"We have enough power?" John asks.

"Yes if –if we touch down on the ocean floor to conserve engine power, it should just be matter of walking between the two Jumpers."

That sounds better. "All right." John tells him, "I'll get us close."

As he sets the Jumper down on the ocean floor, John radios, "McKay, Griffin do you copy?"

"Sheppard." Rodney answers.

"Hey buddy." John's voice is full of warmth and tenderness. His heart leaps through his chest; he knew Rodney would make it. "What say you lower your door?"

Rodney sounds like he is spitting water from his lips, "That's probably a bad idea"

"Listen," John explains, "Long story short, we've converted the cloak into a shield, and extended it around your Jumper. I'm standing outside right now."

John pounds on the side of the Jumper for effect.

.

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* * *

.

.

"What?" Rodney's head wound is making it hard to think clearly.

"All you have to do is open your door," John says patiently, "walk to my Jumper."

Rodney moves to open the hatch but stops himself, speaking to Sam, "What if it's another one of my hallucinations?"

"McKay, what's the hold up?" John's voice sounds less patient now, "We need to do this sooner rather than later, the shield ain't gonna hold forever."

After arguing with Sam, Rodney finally agrees to open the door. He's about to die anyway, not much to lose. As the water begins to drain around him, he sags to floor, coughing but barely conscious. He feels hands close over him, his arm and his back. He knows it is John before he can see him.

Zelenka is there too, asking if Rodney okay.

John has pulled Rodney up so that he is leaning into his lap.

Letting his head relax there for a moment, Rodney gasps, "I will be."

He wants to reach up and hold onto John but Zelenka is grabbing his free arm.

"Where's Griffin?" John is asking.

Rodney's head lolls back in guilt, looking at the cabin still flooded with water, "He was in there."

"All right, let's get you home." John grabs Rodney's other arm and slings it around his shoulder.

As the two of them help him walk to the other Jumper, Rodney hears the whale that has been circling him, "Oh. See ya pal. Sorry, you're not going to get to eat me today."

"He's the reason we found you." John tells him.

"Really?" Rodney is stunned.

"Almost thought we lost you." John says gruffly.

Rodney smiles at at his hallucination of Samantha Carter. She gives a friendly wave to him from the broken Jumper as they begin to head to the surface. Rodney knows it isn't really her but just his own mind - the concussion, the hypoxia, the hypothermia that gave his subconscious a voice. Still, the things he had to say about himself might be worth reflection. Certainty better than anything Dr. Heightmeyer could offer.

.  
.

While Rodney is in the infirmary being treated, John checks in on him, but Carson shoos him away and makes him leave. Rodney hadn't really wanted John to leave, but he knows Carson is just trying to look out for him.

Later in the evening, Rodney hears John in the adjoining room. Carson is telling him that Rodney isn't up for visitors, which is totally a lie since Carson was just about to discharge Rodney.

When Rodney gets back to his quarters to rest, he finds himself thinking about his conversation with Sam. Well, not really her... Rodney's own critiques of himself.

Asking why they had never dated, she had said he was petty, arrogant, and bad with people. She had told Rodney that he doesn't listen to people or he trust them.

"I have every reason not to." He argued with himself. Then, worried that his own hallucination could read he thoughts, he had gone on a mini-rant about Zelenka and his ineptitude rather than talking about the real reasons.

The whole thing had been so weird. Arguing with a hallucination of Sam Carter for hours. He had even tried to kiss her, but she had rejected him. No, wait, just to be clear he had rejected himself. That's how low his own self-esteem is.

Yeah, Sam's right. He is very bad with people and he definitely doesn't trust them. Maybe he should try harder, maybe open himself up more. He thinks about Katie Brown and how badly that went.

But he mostly blames Cadman for that. Katie had seemed to like him more than most people… No. No. Better just to stay away from the pain. Just like he is staying away from John.

Like he told Sam, Rodney had good reasons for not trusting people, not the least of which was his last relationship. God, it has been almost 3 years but Rodney shudders to remember. He doesn't think he can ever forget. Something about what Alex did to him, what Rodney had let him to do, would scar him forever.

Rodney had been lonely and vulnerable when he met Alex. Alex had sensed that and taken advantage of it. He doesn't ever want to be that vulnerable again with anyone.

For now, he has his fantasies of Sam and that is enough. Fantasies can't hurt you the way people can. Rodney closes his eyes and imagines Sam without the bikini top on, those full breasts up against him as they kiss. Rodney reaches for his cock.

Oh, yeah, Lieutenant Colonel Siren.

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* * *

.

.

John walks out to the balcony to tell Elizabeth about the good news about latest mission. "Got the drones, we got a few Jumpers, I even got the girl."

"You got the girl?" Elizabeth looks amused.

"Well, I mean I could've got the girl. I turned her down." John admits.

"What did you offer them in return for the drones and the Jumpers?"

"Supply of medicines and an IDC if they need to reach us. We also offered to help them come up with a new way of running things when the time comes."

"They didn't offer you king?" Elizabeth suppresses a smile.

Guess she heard about that already. John raises his brows, "I turned that down too."

On his way back inside, he smirks. Why can't they all be planets with cool technology and open-minded women?

John sees Rodney making his way from the control room and stops him. "Hey, Rodney. Wait up."

Rodney turns with a neutral expression on his face. John can't ever seem to catch a moment alone with him these days.

"So, I was thinking…" John gives Rodney a playful look, "I never did get a chance to see the rest of that movie, The Galaxy Quest or whatever."

"Yeah, good movie." Rodney nods.

"I thought you said it was your favorite movie?" John smiles.

"Not favorite, I don't know, maybe one of my favorites." Rodney seems annoyed now, "Why?"

"Well," John shrugs, "I thought maybe it would be fun to watch it again."

"Yeah, sure," Rodney turns to leave, "I'll send you a copy."

"Wait." John speaks before Rodney can go, "I meant, you know, like maybe we could watch it together sometime."

"Yeah, sure... Sometime. See you later." Rodney looks ambivalent.

John doesn't try to stop him again. He heads for the transporter to get cleaned up. While he is in the shower he thinks about the girl he almost got back on the planet, Mara. Mara had been adorable. Blonde with perfect little ringlets.

She had taken John by surprise in the opulent chambers appointed to him. Wearing a robe, she asked if there was anything she could do to make him more comfortable.

He had been taken completely off guard when she dropped the robe, offering her young, ripe body. He had just stood there in shock, taking it in and wondering why it was he never saw stuff like this coming.

"You don't find me pleasing?" Mara had been confused.

"No, no," John found her pleasing all right, "it's not that. It's just…"

She had lunged at him eagerly, taking John's mouth and placing a playful hand on his cheek. Then she pulled away to examine his face, to see if he was pleased. She seemed to like what see saw.

Why fight it? A beautiful nimble blonde girl was just what he needed to burn the image of Rodney and that blowjob out of his mind. John had given in as Mara leaned in for another kiss.

Pulling away again, she asked triumphantly, "What you said at dinner, did you mean it?"

"Absolutely" John's cock was so rock hard and he had no idea what she was talking about. He had melted into another kiss with her, giving into his desire. Once they pulled away for a breath, he had murmured, "What did I say again?"

As John kissed her neck passionately she answered, "About the villagers. My brother thinks it is a sign of weakness, but I know that it means you'll be a great ruler some day."

"Right." hungry for more, John took her lips back in his. Then her word hit him. Confused he asked, "Ruler? What are you talking about?" '

"My father has promised that if we are married, succession will fall to me." Mara beamed at him, biting her lip in anticipation.

She pushed John back into the bed and he let himself fall. Why fight it? It wasn't like they were getting married anytime soon and his cock was so hard. He took Mara into his arms, rolling her under him on the bed. He had wanted to lower his lips onto those pert breasts, and feast on her delicious body.

He didn't want to listen to his mind; it was telling him, bad John, have some self-control. Then he remembered. This was exactly what had gotten him into trouble with Rodney, thinking with his cock, letting himself take advantage of someone else's momentary weakness. This wasn't based on fair play and John couldn't let Mara think….

Groaning, he had reluctantly pulled away. "I'm sorry Mara, I can't. I have my own people and I can't be some kind of... ruler with you. It's just not going to happen."

Now that he is in his shower, John plays the story out in his mind a little differently. He takes Mara's nipple in his mouth and cups her other breast with his hand. He imagines his clothes are gone and Mara can feel his huge, hard cock, waiting for her. Hard, like it is now. John strokes himself.

He takes Mara on the bed in every way imaginable. John has a mental image of her body from various angles and he makes use of it. Oh, yeah. He wants to cum, but the potency of the visual is wearing off, he needs something to push him over the edge.

Rodney's mouth on his cock. Rodney taking him in that field and making him- Oh… Oh…. God. Oh.

Why does he always cum so hard thinking about Rodney? He has to stop doing this. John sighs against the shower wall as the pleasant reverberations of the orgasm flutter through him. Then he rinses, trying to shake off whatever the hell this is with Rodney.

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	32. Buddies

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.

A few weeks later John is in the infirmary with Elizabeth. They are both recovering from the effects of having temporarily housed the consciousness of alien beings. Elizabeth had told John he was a hopeless romantic for agreeing to it in the first place.

How wrong she is. Just ask his ex-wife; John doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.

His own consciousness had been suppressed, but he had witnessed the whole meltdown. The two aliens, who had convinced everyone that they were husband and wife, had attempted to assassinate each other once they got control of the bodies. Nearly killing John, and a whole lot of other people in the process.

"Hey… You doing okay?" Rodney's voice takes him by surprise.

John looks up to see a worried expression on his face. Wow. He hasn't had any success getting Rodney to spend time with him in over… Well, in a long, long time. He wasn't expecting Rodney to come by the infirmary.

They don't have much privacy, since Elizabeth is lying close by, sleeping. John leans up and whispers, "Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Good… good, it's good to have you back, buddy" Rodney smiles.

John grins when he hears that. He wonders if Rodney means it. Are they buddies again?

"It's good to be back." He smiles up at Rodney.

There is a suspiciously sentimental look in Rodney's eyes as he gazes at John, "Almost thought we lost you."

This feels familiar. Oh, that was what John had told Rodney when he rescued him from the bottom of the ocean.

"Well, you didn't lose me." John's expression becomes sincere and hopeful, "You still have me."

"Well, I just came by to see if you were…" Rodney glances at Elizabeth even though she is still sleeping. He clears his throat and then says, "uh, and to, uh, see if you… when you're feeling up to it, if you want to play the game again, sometime."

Is Rodney is giving him another chance? John blinks in relief.

"I'd really… really like that." John smiles warmly.

"Okay. Then, good, I'll see you later." Rodney nods anxiously.

John watches him leave, his heart beating fast in his chest with excitement and hope that Rodney is letting him back in again.

This time he won't blow it.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney has been spending more time with John again, playing the game and generally just hanging out. It isn't quite the same as it used to be, but it is nice to be friendly again. It's been a long time since he and John were close.

He thinks about their early days on Atlantis. How it used to be, the lost year… Maybe it wasn't quite a year. More like 9 months, before Rodney tried to kiss him, before Ronan came, before everything got so screwed up. Rodney knows it is done and over with.

There is no going back. He is just glad to have salvaged a bit of what they once had.

When Rodney next sees Carson, he wastes no time in pointing out that Rodney and John have been spending time together again. Rodney feels guilty admitting it, but he tries to convince Carson that it is different. Rodney is wiser now; he knows John will never want him. And he knows not to read into anything.

It just feels so good to around him. Rodney can ride the edge… Just because he is in love with John doesn't mean he will let himself get hurt.

Carson tries to convince Rodney that this isn't love and that he will meet someone else.  
While Carson may be right about meeting someone else, as far as his feelings for John go, well… He has loved John for a long time. If it wasn't real, he would have known by now -or at least, been able to make it go away.

.  
.

Mulling over his recent conversation with Carson, Rodney is sitting by himself in the cafeteria. Carson is busy with a new experiment, trying to use the retrovirus on a captured Wraith, so Rodney eats alone. Why is Carson so sure that Rodney should stay away from John? Rodney can accept being just friends. He can-

Spotting one of those kitchen guys coming by to bus his table, Rodney complains, "Ah, hey, what ever happened to the blue Jell-O? My favorite? All the sudden it's off the menu. What gives?"

The disinterested kitchen guy clears the table and shrugs without an answer.

"Thank you" Rodney says sarcastically as the guy walks away.

Grabbing his tablet off the table, Rodney walks by a familiar face.

"Ah, Lieutenant Kenmore." He stops to say hello.

The man looks confused, "Well so they tell me. Call me Michael."

"Michael, right, Yes, of course, Michael." Rodney corrects himself.

There is an awkward pause as Rodney tries to think of something else to say.

"I'm sorry," Michael tells him, "Um, I'm probably supposed to know you, but…"

"Right" Rodney points to his head. "Right, the amnesia. Yes, of course, I heard, I'm, uh, Dr. McKay." Holding out his hand out, "Rodney McKay, Doctor."

Michael leans out of his chair and gives Rodney a firm shake.

"So, you've been, um, released, I see?" Rodney asks.

"Just now." Michael nods. He points to the guards standing nearby, "I have some bodyguards following me around everywhere, and, Colonel Sheppard's probably somewhere close by. They wanna keep an eye on me in case I suddenly, you know… freak out."

"Yes, freak out." Rodney laughs and tries not to sound nervous, "Yes. Well, but I don't think you're… I mean, you're not gonna…" He eyes Michael anxiously, "You're fine, aren't you"

"I think so. I –I feel fine." Michael shrugs, "I guess time will tell. Hopefully the amnesia won't be permanent."

Michael's eyes drop to Rodney's tablet and Rodney looks down to see what has captured his interest.

"Wraith materializer schematics?" Michael asks.

"Yes." Rodney lifts his head up, "Yes. I was just, um," He clasps the screen to his chest so it is no longer visible, "studying them, you know."

"How did I know that?" Michael looks thoughtful.

"Ah," Rodney tries to think of a valid sounding excuse, "one of your team's objectives was to, um, infiltrate, uh, a Wraith ship and obtain… you know, uh, intelligence."

"And our mission was successful?" Michael questions.

"Yes. Very successful." Rodney smiles.

"Except for getting captured." Michael adds.

"Ah, well," Rodney acts nonchalant and smiles at the guards next to him, "we've –we've all been captured by the Wraith at one point or another, haven't we?"

Michael frowns, "It's just-"

"The important thing is that you were rescued. Safe and sound." Rodney continues.

"Safe, yes. The sound part, I'm not so sure of."

Rodney smiles and gives an uncertain laugh, "Y-y-yeah, well, it's, uh…"

Another one of the awkward silences follows.

"Well…" Michael speaks up, "I guess I'd better be going."

"Right." Rodney tries to sound friendly. "You got it." He looks at his screen again as Michael walks away. He should have been more careful with that.

The following day Rodney joins the staff for a briefing on Michael's status. Teyla says Michael is having nightmares about the Wraith and Elizabeth asks Carson if there is anything more he can do.

"Perhaps I could give him a sedative to help him sleep. Or I could increase his dosage." Carson suggests, "Although I'd caution against it at this time."

"Why? If it's helping, what's wrong with giving him more?" Rodney asks.

"Because, Rodney, I specifically calibrated his regimen according to his current physical condition. Any alteration could adversely affect his recovery. I say we remain patient, wait to see if he has any more dreams. If it's merely psychological, then Dr. Heightmeyer should be able to help him through it."

Heighmeyer? Yikes, poor Michael.

Teyla wonders if it would be just be better just to tell Michael the truth. That he is a Wraith that has been stripped of the Iratis DNA.

Turns out she was probably right. It doesn't take much longer for Michael to put together the pieces himself. And he does not react well, becoming angry and withdrawn about what has been done to him.

When Rodney hears that Michael has made an escape attempt, killing a Sergeant in the process, he isn't surprised. He knows this is Carson's pet project, but it always seemed like a bad idea to him to try to convert a Wraith into a human.

Now Michael is in a holding cell and Carson doesn't want to have kill him. Carson hopes to see if he can still be successful with the treatments at an increased dosage. John is supposed to take Michael to the Alpha site, since he poses too much of a danger here on Atlantis.

Staying behind, Rodney continues working on his Wraith schematics. The team is offworld for some time, and when they return from the Alpha site, Rodney joins in on the debriefing. They report that Michael has escaped again.

"He completely transformed back into a Wraith?" Elizabeth asks.

"Well, not completely, but well on his way." John answers.

"His reversion occurred at a much more accelerated rate than we anticipated." Carson admits.

"Unfortunately," Teyla laments, "his memory of what we did to him remained intact."

"I should have killed him when I had the chance." Ronan says regretfully.

Rodney is appalled by the abject failure of this mission and he agrees with Ronan, "He's right, we are completely screwed. Not only has out dear Lieutenant rejoined the Wraith, but he's taken with him the knowledge that Atlantis still exists."

"God knows what kind of intel he was able to pick up during his stay." John says tensely.

"They will send another wave of Hive ships." Teyla warns

Ronan looks angry, "Probably already on their way."

"And this time," Rodney adds bitterly, "I'm guessing they're not gonna fall for the whole invisibility thing."

Carson looks guilty and no one says anything for a moment.

Then Elizabeth speaks up, "We need to come up with a new defense plan."

John's eyes look fierce, "We're going to need more firepower."

.  
.

Rodney goes out of his way over the next week to cheer Carson up. He knows what it is like to be at the helm of a project that ends in disaster. He consoles Carson, telling him that he did the best he could with the knowledge that he had at the time. Rodney isn't sure he believes it, but he tells Carson that one day the retrovirus may play an important role in defeating the Wraith.

He tries to act like he thinks a friend should, taking Carson's side, and defending him. Not that anyone is attacking Carson about it. Mostly Carson just blames himself, so Rodney tries to defend Carson against his own worst fears.

Tonight though, Rodney isn't hanging out with Carson. He has plans with John. Plans Carson probably wouldn't approve of. Rodney is meeting John in his quarters to watch Galaxy Quest.

Admittedly, he is a bit nervous. It should be okay though. No matter what John does, Rodney will just keep himself in check. He won't let himself get carried away. It's just a movie after all.

John answers the door looking sexy. His eyes sparkle and he is wearing one of those fresh, black long-sleeved shirts that hang so well from his lean torso. Rodney blinks.

Not off to a good start here. He lifts the computer between them as an offering, and as some kind of reminder to himself. He has to keep a physical distance between the two of them.

Leading Rodney in, John gestures to the bed and lies down on the far side.

Oh. This is trouble. They could just sit on the couch? Rodney frowns to himself. Should he make an issue about this or let himself lay closer to John than he really should? His resolve caves and he sets the laptop down on the side table so can take off his shoes.

As he stands back up, Rodney examines the bed. It is small, but if he is careful, there is enough room to keep from touching John. Rodney positions himself on the bed carefully. He is tense and puts the computer on his lap, starting the movie before anything awkward can happen.

"So, this isn't your favorite movie?" John asks.

"No, um, just a favorite." Rodney shakes his head, looking at the screen, "It's really good though. Funny."

"Okay." John sounds skeptical.

But Rodney knows John will like it; they watch the same kind of films and practically have the same taste. Well, not always. But, if John doesn't love this movie, it might just be enough to get Rodney to stop loving him.

The movie is partly a parody of Star Trek and yet a good enough Sci-Fi film to stand on it's own with the action-adventure. Mostly it is hilarious, and it seems that John agrees.

Laughing heartily, John gasps, "I can't believe I've never seen this before."

"I know, right?". Rodney grins.

When the film is over, John tells Rodney that he is like the dorky alien who proclaimed, "Never give up, Never surrender."

"That really doesn't sound like me, if you think about it." Rodney rolls his eyes, "And I suppose you're Captain Taggart?"

"Of course." John shrugs.

"Such a Kirk…" Rodney shakes his head, "You know who I am? Dr. Lazarus."

"Yeah. I see it." John cocks his head to the side, "The one who's always complaining about Taggart. Good call, Rodney."

Suddenly Rodney is aware of how close he and John are physically. He feels a little light-headed. Maybe he should go.

John seems to sense Rodney's haste and stops him, "So, what is your favorite movie, then?"

"I don't know." He thinks for moment, "Hard to pick a favorite. You? -And please don't say Back to the Future."

"Top Gun." John smiles.

"No." Rodney opens his mouth, gaping in horror that John would pick something so cheesy.

"Kidding." John breaks into a peal of laughter. He seems pleased with himself for getting Rodney so upset and keeps chuckling.

"You know," he gives John a look of exasperation, "The thing is, that is almost believable. That's what makes it so wrong."

Thoroughly amused with himself, John keeps chuckling.

"What then?" Rodney asks.

"Mmm," John takes a lazy breath, "somewhere between 'Aliens', 'Terminator', and 'Road Warrior' I suppose… Oh, and cause of McMurdo and all, I have a special place in my heart for 'The Thing'… Yeah, the 'The Thing', I'm gonna go with 'The Thing'"

"All acceptable answers." Rodney nods in approval, then furrows his brow, "Wait, the John Carpenter version or-"

"Carpenter, of course." John raises his hands in disbelief.

"You have chosen well." Rodney smiles, "Though… I did notice you neglected to mention Star Wars…"

"Oh." John makes a face of disgust; "I'm trying to put that behind me. My once cherished childhood memories, twisted into something so-"

"Yes! Yes!" Rodney bobs head emphatically, "Episodes 1 and 2 were a betrayal of the most heinous nature to those of us who… Damn you George Lucas," Rodney shakes a fist, "damn you to hell!"

"Yeah!" John gets excited, "It was a betrayal. That last one? The scene where they are rolling down a hill of flowers giggling together. It felt like a fucking chick flick."

"So, I take it you won't be seeing the third installment when it comes out." Rodney smirks.

"No." John sneers, "I actually think it came out already, last year. But, no."

Rodney visualizes John watching a chick flick and laughs out loud.

"What?" John peers at him.

"Just imagining you watching 'Steel Magnolias'." Rodney laughs again.

"You do realize, Rodney," John gives him a curious look, "that you're laughing about something that never happened?"

"Doesn't matter." He snorts, pointing his temple, "I can see it right here."

"Okay." John closes an eye, "Two can play at that game. Let's see… Rodney is watching… 'Sense and Sensibility'."

When John sees Rodney's frustrated expression, he laughs. "Not so funny, now, huh?"

"Okay, okay." Rodney narrows his eyes, "John… is crying… while he watches 'Sleepless in Seattle'."

"Ouch." John winces, "Low blow… Um, Rodney is crying... and masturbating, while watching… 'Beaches.'"

He so did not just go there. Rodney looks at John in shock. He is biting his lip playfully, waiting for Rodney to retaliate. Danger, Rodney, do not engage.

"Okay, that is wrong on so many levels. You win." Rodney shakes his head.

Part of him thinks this would be a good time to leave. But he doesn't, the other part of him wants to stay.

Instead he takes a breath, "You know, one of my favorite movies, -other than 'Beaches', that is-… Is, ah, 'Solaris'."

John shakes his head like he doesn't know it.

"It is a bit obscure," Rodney explains, "a Russian Sci-Fi film from the 70's -But they just did a remake. And I actually preferred the remake to the original. You haven't heard of it?"

"No." John answers, "What's it about?"

"Kind of esoteric, there are a lot of themes. I suppose, the nature of what is real, what is memory or consciousness, the flawed human attempts to achieve connection and communication."

"That sounds vague." John tells him.

Rodney reflects, "I suppose in a way it is, there is a surreal quality, a haunting sense of longing about it… But the story, the story is about these scientists who come into contact with a planet that is a life form.

The planet manifests painful or repressed memories in the form of human copies… uh, people. Like, the main character's wife, she committed suicide in the past, but then she reappears on the space station.

In a way, it is a love story. -And, no, it's not a chick flick. It's more about the nature of connection, not anything supernatural, but like pure physics."

John is looking at Rodney with curiosity, so he continues.

"Okay, so the main character is given a second chance. He tells his wife that he came back for her. The day they fought and he came back, only to find her lifeless body. They forgive each other…

And then he joins her, he lets go of control, of knowing whether he is even alive or dead. He and surrenders to the blending of boundaries, the true meeting of their souls."

He looks at John to see his reaction. His face has a soft expression.

"I guess you, ah… You're a romantic after all."

"Just don't tell anyone." Rodney jokes.

Almost seeming sad, John looks at him pensively. Then he asks, "Have you ever lost anyone?"

"No." Rodney answers honestly, "Never really had anyone to lose… Thought about killing myself a few times though."

John's eyes flash with concern and Rodney tries to lighten it up a bit, "But hasn't anyone with half a brain, at least considered it, from time to time?"

Still looking sad, John shakes his head lightly.

Then Rodney realizes he is being oblivious to what John is talking about.

He lowers his voice and says, "You lost someone."

John nods slowly.

"I'm sorry." Rodney says softly.

When John looks up at Rodney, his eyes are haunted. Rodney feels like John wants to talk about it, but probably won't without some prodding.

"Who... did you lose?" He ventures.

"Uh," John presses his lips together into a line and then answers, "I lost my, ah, mother, when I was young… she killed herself."

Rodney inhales sharply but John keeps talking, "And I lost someone else… very close to me. Well, too many to count, really."

Wanting to say something, to offer the right words, Rodney can't think of anything that seems right.

Finally he says, "Death shall have no dominion."

"What?" John looks puzzled.

"Sorry," Rodney shakes his head, "it's a Dylan Thomas poem… it's in the movie. I don't know why I said it. I just wanted to say something to make it better or…"

"Tell me." John looks at Rodney with clear affection in his eyes.

"Oh. Yeah." Rodney tries to remember, "It's about death, but it's more triumphant than melancholy. "And Death Shall Have No Dominion'"

"And what does the rest of it say?"

"I only remember part of it, the part from the movie. She has it written on a piece of paper. It's crumpled in her hand when he finds her body. It, it, uh, let me think.

 _And death shall have no dominion._  
 _Dead men naked they shall be one_  
 _With the man in the wind and the west moon._  
 _When their bones are picked clean_  
 _And the clean bones gone_  
 _They shall have stars at elbow and foot._  
 _Though they go mad they shall be sane._  
 _Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again._  
 _Though lovers be lost love shall not._  
 _And death shall have no dominion._

When Rodney finishes John is staring at him with deep emotion in his eyes. He opens his mouth and whispers, "That is beautiful."

Feeling pleased with himself Rodney smiles a little. Who knew John would like poetry?

"Can you say it again?" John asks.

Nodding, Rodney recites it with more emotion than he did the first time.

"Rodney? Do you think- Could you write it down for me?" John looks very moved, "I would go online, but there's no internet here."

He agrees enthusiastically. John gets him a pen a paper and returns to the bed, Sitting upright, Rodney writes on the hard surface of his laptop case. He has always been told he has good penmanship for a mathematician.

Rodney likes this feeling. Sharing something with John and having John want it. He feels like he has been able to share a small piece of himself and give it to John without it being rejected. He would share so much more if he could.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John takes the paper from Rodney and reads the lines a few times, mulling over and digesting it. He wishes he could believe that all is not lost in death. That love survives…

'And death shall have no dominion'. It is romantic, but it could also be a battle cry.  
He imagines himself and Rodney going into battle together. Rodney might not be the perfect soldier but John feels he will always be there for him, will always have his back.

As long as John doesn't push him away. And he isn't going to do that anymore.

He's never quite had a friend like Rodney. In some ways Rodney reminds him of a soldier he once knew. Holland used to always make John laugh his gloomy pessimism and sarcasm.

But the similarity ends there. Rodney is better; John wouldn't change anything about Rodney. He is perfect just the way he is.

.

.


	33. Epic cockblocking

.  
.

Rodney is sick to death of how John is acting on this mission. At every turn, he seems to be trying to make Rodney look bad to the gorgeous Norina… Referencing how he blew up an entire solar system… Minimizing his ability to understand Ancient technology...

But as Rodney pulls out his laptop, he notices that Norina still seems impressed.

She is watching him with her mouth slightly open in admiration, "I'm sure I could learn a lot from you, Doctor."

Okay, a little appreciation is nice, but Rodney never knows what to do when a woman gives him positive attention.

His arrogant demeanor toward John is replaced by a nervous uncertainty. "Oh." he gulps. "Well, I'm sure I can learn, um…"

.

.

* * *

.

.

John is getting annoyed watching this woman fawn all over Rodney. To take her focus off of Rodney, he finds himself vying for her attention at every opportunity. She is truly beautiful, with a striking and graceful figure. But what he enjoys more is the look of dissatisfaction on Rodney's face every time John flirts with her.

It stings a little that Rodney is winning this competition. Not by much, but he is winning… the prize being Norina, of course. Not Rodney. Not today. He doesn't want to let himself think this way anymore, but the burning in his chest confirms that he is just a little bit jealous.

When John has to leave to update Elizabeth on what they've found, he feels a bit resentful. Rodney is going to score a lot brainiac points while he is gone. Norina seems to go for that kind of thing. Whatever. At least he won't have to watch her drooling all over him.

What is he worried about? Firstly, Rodney has no inkling how to handle positive attention from a woman. He is sure to go down in flames. And secondly, secondly... maybe John is more than a little jealous.

He thinks back to a couple years ago, when he had expressed interest in Rodney. Rodney had been nervous all right, but he had let John take what he wanted. He would have guessed that maybe Rodney just didn't know how to be in control of a sexual situation but he knows that isn't right either.

Rodney had taken a risk last year with John and tried to kiss him, it was John who had been afraid. And of course, there was that incident 6 months ago that they both agreed to never talk about. The time when Rodney had been under the influence of a super charged alien enzyme. Rodney had been pretty sure about what he wanted then and John had let him take it.

So maybe it is just that John doesn't like the idea of Rodney being with anyone else, the thought that he could someday belong to anyone else. John realizes how wrong it is that he even thinks of Rodney as his.

John made it clear to Rodney that it will never be more than friendship, and yet maybe it is more to John, despite the fact that he won't allow it to be. He tells himself that he will figure out how to let go of this unnatural attachment to Rodney, just as soon as this blonde is out of the picture.

After he is finished discussing the situation with Elizabeth, John takes a deep breath thinking about Rodney back on the planet and says, "I'm gonna get back there now, make sure he's not distracted."

Elizabeth is confused, as that doesn't sound like Rodney, "Distracted?"

John stops at the door wishing he hadn't said that last part out loud, "Well the lead scientist, she's very, umm…"

When John doesn't finish Elizabeth prompts, "Hot?"

"I was gonna say attractive," John feels flush, "but McKay is acting very, uh..."

"Smitten?" Elizabeth folds her hands under her chin with a smile.

"I was gonna say pathetic." John tries to seem uninterested.

He ducks his head and tries to leave before Elizabeth asks him anything else, but she stops him to say she will be joining the negotiations with the Taranan leader.

Standing close to John's warm face, she asks, "What's he like?"

"Oh, you know," John holds his expression in a masculine semi-scowl, acting ambivalent, "he's a guy. Didn't pay much attention."

That should make it clear that he wasn't noticing Rodney. He doesn't notice men, only women. Yeah, that it cleared up.

"Sorry" John raises his eyebrows and exhales, then turns bolts out of the room as fast as he can.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Before Rodney realizes it, John is back trying to pull off his Kirk routine. Ignoring the bedroom eyes John is making at Norina, Rodney keeps his mind on the job.

He has to explain to Elizabeth and the Chancellor that they need to evacuate the planet immediately. This outpost was not designed to continuously use the geothermal heat below; Running the shields at full strength all this time has created a geothermal hot spot. They are now in the middle of a caldera that has expanded over 40 miles wide. The earthquakes will continue as the pressure from the magma pours in.

John asks. "Is there anything we can do to relive the pressure somewhere else? Maybe we can fire a drone down into the crust on the other side of the caldera?"

God, that is so stupid, John, even for you. Rodney enunciates his words, "Every problem has a military solution in your world, doesn't it?"

It takes another round of explanations for Rodney to convince them that nowhere on the planet is safe.

He sighs, "The dust cloud will envelop the planet within weeks, blocking out enough sunlight to kill every living thing. We are talking about an extinction level event."

Elizabeth and the Chancellor leave with the first waves of evacuees through the wormhole. Which is lucky for them, because a bed of magma opens up shortly thereafter and swallows the Stargate entirely. Now they are stranded and so, so screwed.

"Elizabeth will try to dial us back." John keeps his voice firm and authoritative, "When she can't get through, she'll send the Daedalus."

Directing himself to a panicking Beckett, John says, "The ship in the hanger. Maybe McKay can fix it."

"Oh, maybe I can fix it!" Rodney groans angrily, "Place the pressure squarely on my shoulders for a change."

"Well," John's voice is loud but his eyes are sincere, "I've discovered you're pretty good under the threat of impending death."

There is a compliment in there somewhere, so Rodney clears his throat instead of yelling back. He knows John is just trying to get him to calm down.

Thinking of his appearance to Norina, he steps forward and whispers to her, "I am, actually."

Rodney takes his leave to go look at the broken Aurora class Ancient ship that the Taranans have in one of the hangers.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John is pleased that Rodney appears to be having some success with ship, but is less pleased that Norina follows him around like puppy, impressed by everything he does. The ship has one of those really long Greek sounding names and he and Rodney soon get into an argument over renaming it. Postponing the debate, John tells him they'll name it later.

The radio signal from the Daedalus is barely coming through. John has Rodney get communications online to see if they can boost the signal. As Rodney leaves to go work on it, he pats John's arm. Weird, Rodney doesn't usually touch him. It all happens too fast for John to really take it in.

Once Rodney makes some adjustments and they are able to communicate more clearly with the Daedalus, Caldwell tells John and his team to leave to shielded area of the Taranan outpost so they can be beamed back.

But John refuses to abandon the people they came here to help, he tells Caldwell to make as many passenger trips as he can, to ferry survivors in the mean time. He knows there isn't likely to be enough time to save everyone with such a strategy, but John sends Beckett, Teyla, and Ronan off to help treat the wounded and organize people into groups. They will beam as many survivors aboard the Daedalus as they can.

"And plan B, is what?" Caldwell asks.

"We found a sister ship to the Aurora, called the-" John smiles brightly at Rodney, "Orion."

"Oh." Rodney groans in disapproval.

"McKay is trying to get the sublight drive online."

"Really?" Caldwell sounds impressed, "Well, a ship that large, you should be able to get everyone else out in one trip."

"Yeah, well," John makes a face, "whether or not we live or die is all up to Rodney."

"This is so unfair." Rodney clenches his teeth and stalks away.

Norina gushes at Rodney over one of the consoles, "I have already learned so much from you, just over the last few hours. Perhaps one day I could study under you."

Jesus Christ. John stretches his head back in annoyance, looking to the ceiling.

"Yes, well." Rodney blusters, "I really-really look forward to that."

John keeps himself from groaning out loud. Sure Norina, Rodney would love to have under him.

"But first we need to get off." Rodney did not just say that… What is the matter with him?

"Uh", Rodney amends himself, "first we need to get off the planet. First, we need to get off the planet, and then you can be under me..."

Before Rodney can continue, another eruption interrupts them from the planet below. John lunges toward the center control to assist Rodney and Norina. Somehow, he ends up with Norina in his arms while Rodney ducks under the control table.

"You all right?" John straightens back up holding Norina close.

"I'm fine." she smiles, seeming to enjoy the contact as she holds onto John's waist gingerly.

Yeah. John wouldn't mind having her under him, either.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Getting up from under the console, Rodney and sees John holding Norina. He is furious. John has been angling to get her attention ever since he realized she liked Rodney.

And Rodney should know firsthand, it doesn't take much of that one-on-one charm, for John to get under your skin. It's so unfair, John can get laid any time he wants to and Rodney hasn't been with anyone since… well, since John.

It's just not fair. Rodney pats the edge of the control table loudly and clears his throat announcing, "All good under there."

John is still just holding her, without a second thought. Rodney walks out of the room to rid his mind of the traitorous scene.

.  
.

By the time John and Norina have made back to the ship with another wave of refugees, more fissures have opened, creating lava flows up to 30 feet thick above them. Even if Rodney can get the engines fixed, there is no way for them to escape now.

Of course, John immediately thinks to use the drones to blast through the hanger door, but that would bring the molten lava right down on them.

"What are you doing?" John asks.

"I have an idea." Rodney stares at the panel, he has another idea about getting the shields operational…

"What kind of idea?" John lifts his arms in frustration.

Rodney raises his voice, "Can't talk, busy-"

John insists, "Just give me a basic-"

"Not now, please!" Rodney shouts over him. He is lost in his own world

.

.

* * *

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.

"I hate it when he does this." John confides to Norina in frustration.

Still, he knows Rodney is about to come up with something brilliant and feels just a little bit proud of him.

When the last group of Taranans arrive, Rodney finally explains his harebrained scheme. He hasn't been able to get sublights working; all he has done is bolster the shields. They won't last long, a mere 4.1 seconds to be exact.

John tries to get it straight, "So your plan is to not blow a hole in the hanger, but to sit here and wait for this cataclysmic eruption to take place?"

"With the shields and inertial dampeners at full strength, yes." Rodney emphasizes.

Beckett speaks up, "I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?"

"That's the plan." Rodney snaps his fingers and points.

"That's the plan?" John asks.

"That's the plan." Rodney smiles.

"That plan sucks."

"Aye." Beckett agrees.

Rodney still seems convinced. "This ship will be ejected along with the magma and steam several thousand feet in the air."

"The ship can survive that?" John is puzzled.

"For exactly 4.1 seconds, yes." Rodney lifts finger, "Look, the hanger should disintegrate. The moment we're clear, we open a brief hyperspace window, jump to space before the explosion depletes our shields and incinerates us, hmm?"

"Okay." John furrows his brows; this is starting to sound better.

Norina gazes at Rodney in admiration.

"What?" Rodney asks flustered.

Beckett admits. "That's very clever, Rodney."

"Huh. Well, don't thank me till it works…" Rodney looks uncomfortable, "Which it probably won't. Excuse me."

He ducks under the console, most likely to adjust something, not to hide. John is curious and leans down to see what Rodney is doing. Beckett and Norina crouch down as well.

Crying out in pain suddenly, Rodney yanks his hand back from the control panel.

"What?" Norina asks in concern.

"Uh, I bent my fingernail back! I hate that!" Rodney cradles his hand.

"Yes," Norina answers, "that can be painful."

"Yeah, will you look at that?" Rodney shows his finger to Norina.

Those are some great moves you got there, Rodney. "Are you done?" John asks impatiently.

"Almost." Rodney tells him, "Look, does anyone have any nail clippers?"

"Rodney." Beckett says his name with disapproval.

'For the love of God, shut up about your bent nail.' John smacks the side of Rodney's leg.

"Not helping." He looks at John angrily, but at least he gets back to work.

Rodney announces that they're good to go. He gets up from under the console, swaying for a minute, "Whoa."

"What?" Norina is hanging on his every word.

"Got up too fast." Rodney tells her.

Not long afterwards, the ship starts to rumble but Rodney tells them, "Don't hold your breath. It could happen any time in the next half hour."

The rumbling grows and John feels the burst hit them. They are moving up into the air… There is a flash and suddenly they are in orbit.

Rodney did it. The bridge is silent for a moment and the Beckett states the obvious, "It worked."

"You really are a genius." Norina glows.

Gripping the console in front of him with his arms outstretched, Rodney simply looks stunned.

"Rodney?" Norina asks.

"I'm good." He says quietly.

Norina smiles back at him flirtatiously.

.  
.

Fortunately John's epic cockblocking seemed to do the trick with Norina. Not that he had gotten any either, but at least Rodney is still his. Not his… But… Well, it's just that John is having crazy dreams about Rodney. During the day he keeps himself distracted by work and ogling every attractive woman he sees, but at night he dreams of McKay.

He dreams about that amazing blowjob, the best one he's ever had. Rodney's lips around his cock, sucking... Grabbing McKay in the supply closet and spreading him, pounding into him as deep as he could.

He dreams about McKay's eyes the night he took him from the front. The helpless wonder and surrender as Rodney's whole body moved with him. The feel of Rodney's back and chest as he ran his fingers over him in the shower.

Sometimes he just dreams about things that never happened, like holding Rodney. Not the hug John had given him in the Jumper, but something more. John knows just holding him would feel so good.

Then there are the dreams where Rodney is the one holding him instead. It is the old dream he had when he was marooned for so long. Had that possibly happened? The night they were watching a movie in his bed… Had Rodney held him?

John remembers curling up in exhaustion… and something else. Fear, a shudder had passed through him. And Rodney had put his arm around him, pulled him in close until he wasn't afraid anymore.

That fear that John has never told anyone about had gone away and he slept a deep and dreamless sleep. At least, it seems maybe it happened that way. Maybe it is only an image, a wish passed on from a dream. In the mornings, when John wakes, he aches for Rodney, for release.

He can't stop himself from reaching for his hard cock. It has become a habit that John is ashamed to even think about. He doesn't WANT to think of Rodney this way, but he does. He has tried thinking about other women or even other men, but it doesn't get him off the way he needs to get off.

There is only Rodney. And he needs Rodney -at least dream Rodney, so fucking bad. After he finishes, he tells himself that he will get this under control, that this was the last time, but he knows it is a lie he tells himself. He believes it long enough to look Rodney in the eye during the day, to be normal. But late at night and early in the morning, Rodney is his.

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	34. Like when I stupidly downloaded porn

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Over the last couple hours John hasn't had much to do but worry about Rodney. He knows why Elizabeth agreed to cooperate with the Hive ship Michael has aligned himself with, not that they'd had much of a choice.

He keeps finding himself walking towards Rodney's lab, as if he will still be there instead of up on the Wraith ship that is circling Atlantis. Jesus, Rodney had seemed downright gleeful about going up there, rambling on about how much he was learning about Wraith technology. At least Ronon is watching his back.

Absentmindedly John realizes that he's making two cups of coffee. Right. He's so used to bringing one for Rodney. It's a habit by now, an excuse to lean over his shoulder and annoy him while he works. Well, annoy is the wrong word. It's more of a mutual game of banter the two of them engage in; just, it's usually john that wins.

Walking to the lab even though Rodney won't be there, John offers the coffee to Zelenka instead, "I know you guys have been burning the candle at both ends, so…" he trails off feeling like he should be the one up there protecting Rodney.

"Any word from Rodney yet?" Zelenka asks.

John's stomach clenches and he avoids making eye contact, "I'm sure he's fine."

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Zelenka nodding and looking at him intently as he takes a gulp of coffee.

Feeling suddenly too transparent, John excuses himself. Rodney will be fine; Ronon will look out for him if anything goes wrong.

.

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* * *

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.

Ronon keeps a watchful eye on the Wraith that has been guiding them through the Hive. Everything about this temporary 'alliance' is wrong to him. No matter what the Wraith claim their intentions are for Carson's retrovirus, he can't really believe their endgame is to use it to transform enemy Hives into humans to feed on. The Wraith can't be trusted, there is something else going on here.

The Wraith stops and turns to face Rodney; Ronon readies himself to pounce if he makes one wrong move. The thing is asking Rodney if he's sure he'll be able modify it the delivery system.

"Hmm." Rodney's expression is self-assured, "Well, I know that you don't know me, so you couldn't possibly know this, but-"

Cutting in impatiently, Ronon answers, "The short answer is yes." The last thing they need right now is to hear one of Rodney's longwinded speeches about how smart he is.

"This way." The Wraith places a hand on Rodney's shoulder and Ronon lunges, throwing the creature up against the wall with a knife to its throat.

Rodney is babbling about something in the background but Ronon keeps his eyes on the enemy, "You don't touch him." He growls.

"He was guiding me down the hall, not sucking the life out of my shoulder." Rodney hisses at Ronon; then he apologizes to the thing, "We are sorry. Say you're sorry." he urges Ronon

Ignoring Rodney, Ronon backs up warily, sure that he will have cause to kill it later.

"That will not be necessary." the Wraith tells Rodney, "He was protecting his superior. I would have done the same."

"He's not my superior." Ronon keeps his eyes glued to the creature.

"Certainly…" Rodney's voice sounds smug.

Sensing Rodney is about to go into yet another one of those annoying speeches about how smart he is, Ronon gives him a look that tells him to shut up.

"not in _every_ sense." Rodney concludes.

Glowering at Rodney for a moment, Ronon turns his attention back to the Wraith. As soon as it steps out of earshot Ronon warns Rodney to keep his eyes sharp.

"What?" Rodney whispers, "This is the deal of the century, I've downloaded practically everything there is to know about their technology. Once I get back and go through all the data… Well, let's just say, if my research weren't classified, I'd be sure to get the Nobel prize."

Ronon shakes his head but keeps his eyes trained on the Wraith in the tunnel ahead of them, "What, they give out prizes for blowing up planets where you're from?"

"Why does everyone constantly bring that up?" Rodney fumes, "That solar system was uninhabited an I-. No, you know what forget it, you just do your caveman thing and I'll handle the science stuff."

A short while later the ship is rocked with a sudden explosion, and Ronon pulls out his pistol, telling Rodney to activate the emergency receiver.

"Oh no" Rodney looks at him in dread as he presses the unresponsive transmitter.

They are surrounded and Ronon tries to take them out but there are too many; he feels himself losing consciousness from the pulse stunners.

.

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* * *

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.

Oh God. How can this be happening? Rodney struggles inside the cocoon but it has him completely immobilized. The Wraith said the Hive is heading for Earth. How could they know where Earth is?

Stricken in horror, Rodney tries to think it through by speaking aloud, "They couldn't have…. Even if they somehow deduced the location of Earth, they still wouldn't be able to get there, not unless they…

They downloaded something along with one of the Hive ship plans… Aw, something like spyware. It's like when I stupidly downloaded porn…"

Rodney self-edits, remembering that Ronon is listening, "Music! When I downloaded music! "

Yeah, music. Not porn. There was something in those files he missed. Oh. This is all his fault. Rodney laments, "…It has to be… I did this. I'm responsible for the destruction of my planet."

"If anybody was going to do it, it'd be you." Ronon answers from the pod next to his.

"Thank you!" Rodney thrashes against the mesh of the cocoon, "Thank you so much for that!"

"Stop worrying about it now. Just focus." Ronon sounds too relaxed.

"Focus on what?" Rodney squawks, "What is there to focus on? I'm stuck in a cocoon."

"On getting out of here." Ronon whispers.

"Oh, right, of course!" Rodney is sarcastic, "Why didn't I think of that? Of course. Here it goes, um… No, still can't move… I'm pretty sure they're struggle-proof there, big guy."

Why does John like this this idiot so much? Something about him being the brother he never had… Rodney is glad he never had a brother.

God. There is nothing left but his own torturous thoughts to entertain him before his untimely demise… Why did he have to think about his porn collection now?

Dr. Rodney McKay… spent his last hours worrying about his porn, despite the fact that he was about to die.

Dr. Rodney McKay… died while obsessing about who was going to see his porn collection.

Half of it is pretty tame. But all that stuff about officers in the military, women who look suspiciously like Colonel Samantha Carter… men who like suspiciously like Colonel John Sheppard…

Oh God, he hasn't had sex since Sheppard fucked him back in Antarctica. That really WAS the last time. So pathetic. And what the hell was that anyway?

The more Rodney thinks about it the more bizarre it is that John ever slept with him in the first place. He seems to be completely straight, constantly attracted to women. He's pretty sure Sheppard isn't sleeping with any other guys. Or is he?

No one would ever have guessed that he and John had… There's still no explanation for what happened between them in Antarctica. Except maybe John was very sexually frustrated by the end of his time stationed there. Sheppard likes to keep people at arm's length, not get too close. Maybe Rodney was just an anonymous fuck he'd thought he'd never see again.

God, but then there was that blowjob he'd given John 6 months ago… He'd cum so hard for Rodney. John told him. _'I want it.'_ Or did Rodney make John say that? Rodney had been so much stronger at the time with the alien enzyme in his system, he'd overpowered him so easily. No, Rodney had let John go, given him the chance to stop it.

Maybe that is the kind of thing that turns John on. And John seemed so different around him after that, like Doranda never happened. Like he finally forgave Rodney for demanding his trust professionally… and then fucking up massively by blowing up a solar system. Rodney had thought the last legs of their connection had gone out over that but now John acts like everything between them is good.

No, more than good, he keeps toying with Rodney's emotions and acting like... Not that John wants him anymore, he just… Fuck. Why is he thinking about this. He's about to die and he's still obsessing about John. Damn it, he is not going to go out like this.

La, la, la… happy thoughts, bright blue skies…

La, la, la… destruction of Earth his fault….

La, la, la… everyone laughing about his porn…

La, la, la… brilliant scientist dies in obscurity….

La, la, la… soon to be eaten by a Wraith…

Rodney's head is a mess, nothing pleasant to be found there.

After indulging in a full blown panic attack he finally feels spent and relaxes.

"Now you see," He murmurs to Ronon about the cocoons, "they're actually quite comfortable. Surprisingly warm, take all the pressure off the spine. I suppose they're as good a place as any to witness the end of humanity as we know it."

"You're wasting your energy talking." Ronon sounds out of breath.

"Okay," Rodney is permissive, "let's say a magic fairy comes down and grants you one wish and we break out. Then what, huh? We're still in the Hive. We're still traveling through hyperspace, probably in the massive void between our two galaxies where there aren't even planets, let alone Stargates.

What then, huh? We fly home on the wings of imagination? Is that what we do, Ronon?"

"You can sit here and die if you like, but I'm not giving up." Ronon says angrily.

"Oh, fine, I will." Rodney answers in a carefree manner.

"Fine!" Ronon growls with clenched teeth.

"I wonder what they'll do to us?" Rodney continues talking to himself, "Feed on us probably? I mean, that's what they do."

"It's not going to come to that." Ronon tells him.

"Maybe." Rodney feels sad. His voice gathers some cheer as he says, "Earth will probably mount some kind of defense, in which case I imagine death would be instantaneous…

Unless we're trapped on a deck with a fire or something, then we'd be burned alive. Well, burned alive or suffocate. I wonder which would be worse, life sucked out by the Wraith or burned alive? I honestly couldn't consider two worse options."

"Stop talking." Ronon whispers hoarsely.

"You know what? Make me!" Rodney feels unflappable right now, "What are you doing?" He hears the sound of something cutting through Ronon's cocoon.

Then Rodney spies the glint of a knife sawing its way through, "Where did you get that?"

Ronon is emerging, "I was trying to get my hands free so I could get to it."

"Would it have killed you to tell me?" Rodney complains.

Ronon gives a final grunt and breaks completely loose. He walks up to Rodney's cocoon, "Maybe I would have if you'd shut up for more than a minute."

"What?" Rodney's voice gets high pitched, "Don't just stand there, cut me loose!"

"Only if you put and end to all this, 'We're gonna die, there's no hope' talk." Ronon holds out the knife and bargains.

"Well, now there _is_ hope." Rodney proclaims.

"Ready?" Ronon places his blade.

"No!" Rodney feels scared again.

Ronon cuts anyway and Rodney tries to get out but is stuck on some tendrils, "God, a little help, would you?"

Finally, he wrests free with Ronon's aid. "Oh!" Rodney exclaims, "Oh, it's freezing out here!"

Unsympathetic, Ronon asks, "Would you prefer to go back in?"

"No." Rodney answers quietly.

"So, now what?" Ronon asks.

"What?" Rodney wrinkles up his nose.

"How do we get out of here?" Ronon elaborates.

Rodney begins, "Well, I don't…" he trails off and clamps his mouth shut.

"What?"

"You said no more death talk." Rodney reminds him.

.

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* * *

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.

After rescuing Rodney and Ronon from the Wraith ship, John finds the Daedalus in shambles. No shields, out of nukes, drifting and venting atmosphere with only 9 hours of breathable air left.

Since Michael technically did help them in the end, claiming to be in the dark about the Hive's betrayal, John and Caldwell decide to listen to his plan. The disabled Wraith ship has the only breathable oxygen within light years and they can't risk the Hive making it to Earth or sharing the intel with others. Ultimately the only move they have is to retake the Wraith ship by using the retrovirus canisters to turn them into humanoids.

Michael reluctantly agrees to pilot the Wraith vessel once they get on board and they use his jamming codes to send in the retrovirus gas. John goes in with a strike team to make sure it's safe. There are bodies of transformed Wraith lying on the floor. Some of them are walking about pale and confused. John has his men find a holding chamber for the survivors and they bring the rest of the oxygen deprived Daedalus crew aboard the alien ship.

The next few days are rough. The crew has to make it back to Atlantis with very little food or water. John barely eats at all. He sets most of his rations aside for Rodney, since he is hypoglycemic.

Of course, he doesn't tell Rodney what he is doing. But John keeps a watchful eye on him and doles portions out when Rodney is looking especially jittery. Near the end of the trip, Rodney is in pretty bad shape.

Going to check on him, John finds Rodney working at a remote Wraith command center.

"Hey, how you holding up"

Rodney just mumbles something incoherent in reply.

"You feeling okay?" John looks at him with concern.

"Course," Rodney waves his hand dismissively, "Just -M' irritable and hungry."

He leans over Rodney's shoulder to look at the alien characters. They make no sense to him but Rodney seems to be able to decipher them. Then he looks back at Rodney's face. His eyes are closing. No, they are fluttering…

Before John realizes what is happening, Rodney faints -or whatever- 'passes out'. John manages to catch him, softening the blow before he hits the floor.

Pulling Rodney up against the side of the console he checks his vitals, then presses the back of his hand against Rodney's cheek and forehead. His pulse is weak and he feels too cold. Too cold and pale.

"McKay!" John shakes him by the shoulders, "Rodney! Wake up!"

"Mmm," Rodney's eyelids flutter, and he lifts a shaking hand; it must be the hypoglycemia.

"McKay!" John tries to get him to regain consciousness, but Rodney can't sit up on his own; he guides him to lay down with his head propped up on John's legs.

Opening his vest pocket, John takes out what he has left, about a third of a Powerbar.

"Rodney… " John tries to wake him again.

"Rodney. Rodney! Come on!" He squeezes one of the shaking hands.

"You need to eat, buddy." He breaks a smaller chunk off the end and presses it into Rodney's palm, but Rodney can't hold onto it.

John closes his hand over Rodney's, pushing his fingers together around the bite of food.

"Rodney, Come on…" John urges, "Got some food here, you just need to-"

He lifts Rodney's hand to his mouth and shakes it, hoping Rodney will respond. "Food, Rodney. Eat!" _Please, Rodney_

Then he feels his own fingers brushing Rodney's lips... They are so soft.

John drops Rodney's hand and trails his finger along the top of Rodney's lip, and then across the lower one. He leans in and cups the side of Rodney's face, stroking it softly, "Wake up for me."

Now John is shaky, not just with fear that Rodney is going into shock but a sudden sense of something deeper, a desire he has tried to bury. As sickly as Rodney is, he is still beautiful, his face is so...

Swiping his thumb across Rodney's lips, John uses his other hand to push on the side of his jaw, coaxing his mouth to open, "There you go, buddy."

Rodney's lids flutter again, and John's thumb slides into the slight crease of the soft lips and gently opens then, placing a morsel of the food inside his mouth.

John whispers hoarsely into his ear. "You have to eat! Eat, Rodney!"

He makes a small noise and seems to take notice, moving his lips. Rodney seems almost conscious now.

"Yes, good. Eat." John encourages him, as Rodney's tongue moves.

With a hand under his chin, John rubs Rodney's throat while thumbing his lips, "Swallow for me."

And then he finally does. John breathes out a sigh of relief and breaks off another bite for him, "Okay. More."

This time Rodney's jaw moves chewing the food a bit before swallowing.

As he continues to feed him, Rodney's eyes start to flicker half-open and he lifts a shaking hand in confusion.

Hoping this will be enough to keep him medically stable, John feels a pang in his chest. He reaches out and takes the wavering hand in his. _Almost back to Atlantis. Let this be enough._

John keeps a firm grip on Rodney's palm as he finishes feeding him.

Rodney is trying to open his eyes and John realizes that he has been making a rocking motion, swaying Rodney in his lap.

"You with me?" John asks.

"Mmmm." Rodney gives a quiet moan.

"There you go, we got your blood sugar up a bit."

"Wha- happen- ned?" Rodney looks up with his eyes barely open.

"You, ah… You passed out." John smiles.

Struggling to open his eyes, Rodney moves to get up.

"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa" John stops him, "Just, stay here for a minute."

"Thanks for… not saying the other thing." Rodney mumbles.

John smiles and lowers Rodney's hand down to his chest. It isn't shaking anymore. He should let go now… but he holds onto it, moving his fingers lightly over the back of Rodney's palm. He has always loved Rodney's hands; they are so expressive when he talks, his skin so soft.

Suddenly John has a flash of what he must look like. If someone walked in right now... He feels a flush a guilt even though it's easily explainable, isn't it? He really should let go of Rodney's hand. But he just wants to make sure Rodney is going to be okay. And John would hear if anyone were coming down the hall…

Looking sleepy, Rodney's gazes up at John with a bewildered expression.

"How you holding up?" John smiles tightly.

Blinking a few times, Rodney just nods.

"Should be back home by the end of the day." John tells him, "Just… hold on till then, okay?"

Rodney gives another nod.

He can feel Rodney's hand trembling under his again. He thought Rodney had stopped shaking. His blood sugar must have crashed pretty hard. John keeps moving his fingers in a reassuring sway over Rodney's hand.

"Okay…" Rodney closes his eyes briefly and he opens them again, "Uh, the room is still spinning."

"Just give it a minute to kick in." John sweeps his fingers across Rodney's soft skin.

"I thought there wasn't anymore…" Rodney frowns with his eyes opening all the way, "food."

"Yeah, they found some." John lies, "But that's the last of it."

Giving John a strange look, Rodney sighs deeply, "I –I think I can get up now."

As Rodney struggles to his feet, John holds him steady. His hands move to Rodney's shoulders to assist him.

Then Rodney gives John the same strange look and tells him, "Okay. I can stand on my own."

When he lets go, Rodney wobbles, bracing himself against the console.

John reaches out, but Rodney gestures him back, "No, I'm good. I got it."

"Are you sure?" John asks with concern.

"Yep, I'm fine." Rodney turns his back to John, working on the console again.

"Blood sugar levels restored." He waves John away.

Conceding, John leaves to go check on the prisoners.

By the time they reach Atlantis John feels ready to pass out himself, but keeps his voice strong as he radios in, "Atlantis, this is Sheppard. Come in."

"John!?" Teyla sounds relieved on the other end.

Elizabeth chimes in, "You made it?"

John knows it is probably a shock, seeing all of them show up in a Wraith ship. He tells them, "We're out of food, water, and we haven't slept in days, but, yeah, we made it. So now would not be a good time to fire on us. After all, you wouldn't want to damage your new Hive ship."

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* * *

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.

Being sufficiently recovered from the recent ordeal, Rodney has spent weeks repairing the Daedalus. That and futilely trying to attempt to activate the Wraith ship. Because of Teyla's minute traces of Wraith DNA, she's the only one able to get the alien ship to respond at all. At first Rodney was creeped out being on the same ship with all those transformed Wraith in the hibernating cocoons. But since the power core of the Hive ship was so badly damaged, it couldn't sustain them and they had to be moved.

Elizabeth decided that until they could come up with a better plan, they would ferry the transformed creatures to a distant planet without a Stargate. Carson goes with a contingent of guards, to give Michael and the others regular doses of the retrovirus where he can monitor their progress and try to perfect the drug.

It bothers Rodney to no end that all the information he 'downloaded' from the Hive ship was destroyed by an undetected virus in the software. Now he's got nothing to work with and he can't get the ship to work. And that annoying guy the IOA sent to interrogate them all certainly didn't help. What was his name? Woolsey. Such a jackass.

Stewing over his frustrations, Rodney returns to the control room and sees something even more disturbing. There is a Hive ship on long-range sensors headed straight for the planet where they left Carson and the prisoners. They begin to wonder if it could be possible that a large group of Wraith might be able to strengthen their telepathic links and send out a distress signal to another ship.

With the hyperdrive on the Daedalus still offline, they have no choice but to have Teyla try to pilot the Hive ship, even if it is so badly damaged that it won't survive a battle. The four of them arrive at the planet just ahead of the other Hive and are able to rescue Carson, but all other the Atlantis personnel have been killed by the reverting creatures.

When the fail-safe nuclear device they left behind does not detonate, they can only assume Michael managed to disable it. Since they can't risk the other Hive ship learning what Michael knows about them and Earth, they do the only thing they can with their scant abilities -launch the massive ship at the coordinates of the camp. Rodney only hopes that the explosion was able to destroy everything.

Now they just have to sit in their cloaked Jumper, waiting for the Daedalus to mount a rescue mission. It may be a while, since it is still under repairs. Rodney settles himself in for the long haul, as they divvy up their meager rations. These cramped quarters are going to be even more uncomfortable than waiting it out on that Hive ship.

Rodney stays awake as long as he can, then out of sheer exhaustion, he finally shuffles to the back of the Jumper where he can lay down. Teyla and Carson have already taken the benches, so Rodney ends up on the floor with Ronan. Great. At least he gets his own blanket.

Ronan turns to his side, his back facing Rodney like a big shelf. Rodney rolls his jacket into a makeshift pillow and lies stiffly on his back in the middle of the small space remaining. No matter how tired he is he just can't imagine sleeping like this. John comes in from the front of the Jumper moving along the narrow edge of the bench opposite Ronon.

Perfect. Now he gets to be in the middle. Of course he would end up with the worst position. John is kneeling down and shaking Rodney's shoulder.

"Hey"

Looking up, Rodney sees John has part of a powerbar in his hand. "I forgot to give you the rest of your last ration."

His stomach growling, Rodney takes it from him gratefully with a quizzical expression, "Are you sure this was mine?"

John nods as if he could care less and continues trying to make a softer surface to lie on with various items of clothing and his small blanket.

As Rodney watches him, John comments, "I'd rather skip the blanket if it means lying on something softer than this floor."

"Um," Rodney feels a little guilty as he has already eaten most of it, but he tells John, "you don't have to give me extra-"

"Rodney." John's voice is authoritative, "Go to sleep."

Fine. Rodney finishes eating the last of the Powerbar, sighs, and closes his eyes.

He is aware of time passing… Somehow he is able to drift off into a light sleep.

.  
.

As Rodney adjusts, he is surprised by how comfortable and warm he feels. Who would have thought the floor of the Jumper could provide a good night's sleep? He starts to stretch… Suddenly, strong arms pull him back.

Oh, God. John is holding him. How did this happen? Rodney is lying on top of one of John's arms… he must have rolled onto it somewhere in the night.

And now both of them are clasped firmly around Rodney, holding him to John's chest. He doesn't dare move. He has a feeling that John would be very upset if he realized…

"Rodney" John murmurs softly, "…'S… keep you safe."

 _Oh._ Rodney's chest tightens with emotion. In his own way, Rodney always knew John cared… that he was looking after him by giving him those extra rations. If only John cared for him the way Rodney wanted him to. But he lets himself relax into the embrace and enjoy it.

John always smells so good, woodsy, manly… a hint of Aqua Velva. He doesn't dare move when John's hands lightly run over his chest. He just submits to the wonderful sensation of being so close.

Just for a moment. Then he'll find a way to extricate himself before John realizes. But for now he'll just let himself drift…

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The next time Rodney awakens, John's arms are hanging limply around him. Okay, he should be able to roll over without waking him. Reluctantly, he turns away from the softer bedding, back to his own narrow confines.

He is still lying on part of John's arm. And just then, John stirs.

Rodney freezes as John attempts to move. He doesn't seem fully conscious as he pulls his arm out from under Rodney and turns to face the bench.

As Rodney lays there in the dark, trying to get back to sleep, he can't stop thinking about when they were on the Hive ship. He had been lying in John's lap… And John had touched his lips to wake him up. Oh. He can't stop thinking about the feeling of John's fingers brushing across his lips. Softly opening them…


	35. Pinning Rodney to the wall is John's job

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John rolls his eyes, "I know Rodney. Just today, you've explained how the intergalactic gate system will work at least twice."

"Have I?" Rodney shrugs, "Well, we've been flying around for hours, what else am I going to talk about."

"Anything?" John offers.

"But you've got to admit it's exciting. The idea of being able to travel to the Milky Way in a mere 30 minutes instead of waiting for a 3-week journey on the Daedalus."

"Maybe the first time you went through it." John mumbles.

"Like you were even listening." Rodney waves his hand dismissively, "I bet you a week's pay you can't tell me how it works."

John sighs, "After we mark enough of the gates on uninhabited worlds, the Daedalus will position them along the vast expanse of empty space between our two galaxies so we can travel through them in a Jumper."

"Ah-Ah. I said HOW it works, not WHY we're out searching for Stargates."

To save himself the bother, John decides to distract Rodney by bringing up Colonel Carter. That should get him reminiscing about his crush on her; John estimates Rodney will launch into a monologue for, say, at least 30 minutes or so before he notices that John isn't listening.

"Hey, wasn't this idea originally, um, who was it that came up with it?" John gives a small cough from the pesky cold he is trying to kick, "Oh yeah, what's her name –Samantha Carter."

"The concept yes, but the engineering and the _how_ is entirely me. Not that I would mind working with her again. I mean, Sam is one very brilliant – not to mention, very attractive- astrophysicist…

Looking at his watch, John smiles and completely tunes out the sound of Rodney's voice.

After stopping at one more planet they head back to Atlantis for a quick lunch and check in with Elizabeth before heading back out for another few hours.

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By the end of the day Rodney is complaining about how they only found two useable gates.

"One" John reminds him.

"Well, there was only a small settlement on that second planet, like they are ever going to use it."

"Rodney," John wearily warns him by the tone of his voice that he is not interested in discussing the matter again; his cold is getting worse and he is too tired to deal with any more of Rodney's complaining today.

Rodney complains, "Even Carson is having better luck than us; Whatever medicine he found on that backwater hamlet was so impressive that he actually broke protocol and brought that annoying guy back with him."

"That was weird." John admits remembering how shocked and upset Elizabeth had been, "I mean he was the one who helped set up the protocols in the first place and then he was acting like it was no big deal to give away our location to a stranger." He coughs and clears his scratchy throat. "But we got Teyla and Ronon on guard duty, so I'm sure they've got him under control."

"I mean that guy, Lucius was just so… ugh" Rodney makes a face, "Am I right? He kept acting like we were going to trade him for anything he wanted. What was it he demanded first, a Jumper?"

John snorts, "And then he wanted to trade for how I got my hair to… to 'go' like that."

"I've always wondered myself." Rodney admits.

"Wondered what?"

"You know, why it always stays kind up ruffled, a little messy, like you just got out of bed."

He turns to glare at Rodney.

"It's a good look on you." Rodney quickly adds, "I mean, why else would he offer to trade his valuable ointments for it."

John stays silent. Due to a number of cowlicks, his hair had been the bane of his existence growing up; his father constantly insisting that he brush it down harder and make it look 'neat'. Even when completely wet it would never stay put.

"I actually have a theory about your hair." Rodney raises a finger.

John frowns at him, "I don't need to hear it."

"Cowlicks. Am I right?"

"I will neither confirm nor deny anything." John shakes his head wondering why Rodney would be speculating about his hair, "So, ah, remind me again… when the Daedalus starts setting up the gates, will it just be you supervising or will Colonel Carter be working with you?"

"Sam?" Rodney's face lights up, "I'm hoping maybe I can convince her to work on it with me. I know she's busy, but if I could get her to come here, even for a little while… Well, that would be so…

John glances at his watch. Plenty of time to get back to Atlantis before Rodney finishes this long ramble.

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The gate room is empty when they get back and they find everyone gathered in the cafeteria listening to that obnoxious lout Lucius telling one of his ridiculous stories about how great he is. John is stunned that the whole room is hanging on his every word. Even more disturbing to him is the fact that some of them, like Elizabeth and Ronon are literally hanging onto him -as if they can't physically get close enough.

Disgusted beyond belief, John and Rodney coordinate a way to get Elizabeth and the team alone in a room so they can figure out why they are all suddenly acting like they're in love with the guy.

"What the hell is going on?" John asks.

"What do you mean?" Elizabeth looks unconcerned.

"What do I mean?" John narrows his eyes, "We leave for a few hours and Lucius has turn you all into Stepford wives!"

"What did he do to you?" Rodney has a look of disgust on his face.

Elizabeth looks back at Ronon, Teyla and Beckett. They all seem to be an agreement as Elizabeth insists, "Absolutely nothing. Carson was right about him."

"I agree." Teyla grins, "He has much to offer us."

"Herbs and gourds?" Rodney folds his arms and asks uneasily.

"Please, the medicines alone are worth whatever he asks." Beckett sounds defensive.

"Are you really telling me the ointment is worth something?" John makes a derisive face.

"I haven't actually tested it." Beckett shrugs.

"Oh, you're just taking his word for it." Rodney sounds angry.

Ronon takes issue with the challenge, "You got a problem with that?"

"Me?" Rodney's tone changes, "Uh, no." He points at John, "HE might."

Trying a new line of questioning, John asks, "Teyla, this is the man who asked you to be his 7th wife?"

"I know. I hope I didn't upset him." She looks as if she is embarrassed about her earlier refusal.

"You just haven't taken the time to get to know Lucius." Beckett pleads.

"Carson is right." Elizabeth says enthusiastically, "Again. Look, I think he could be a great asset to us. He has traveled extensively throughout this galaxy and gathered a tremendous amount of intelligence."

"Has he shared any of this, uh, 'intelligence'?" John asks.

"Not yet, but" Elizabeth smiles, lifting up a gourd with a candle stuck awkwardly in the middle, "he did give me this."

Elizabeth and the others smile appreciatively at the gourd.

Okay they have officially lost it. Their judgment has been completely compromised by whatever Lucius did to them.

John looks at Rodney and he appears as horrified by this as John is.

Ronon gazes at the gourd lovingly. "A very wise and kind man."

After that the two of them agree to split up in order to investigate the cause of what could be infecting the entire city; they agree to meet back later at Rodney's lab and coordinate a plan once they know more.

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	36. You got one -I want one -Even

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Once John has made his escape from the near 'invasion of the body snatchers' situation, he plans his next move. First he collects all of Rodney's research along with the samples he got from Lucius's home planet. Then he gets Beckett alone and shoots him with a stunner. Manually bypassing the security protocols from the Jumper bay, he takes Beckett to a remote location on the mainland.

About halfway there, Beckett wakes up confused that he is being held captive with his hands bound. He pines about how much Lucius needs him, whining constantly the rest of the way there.

Once John is on the ground setting up the research materials, Beckett's complaints become more morose as he slumps in his seat, dejected and defeated.

John explains as he finishes setting up the equipment, "Call it an intervention… You probably don't realize it right now, but what you're going through is, uh, kind of like, uh… a detox."

John coughs suddenly into his fist, then clears his throat to continue, "Now, according to the research Rodney was able to do before joining the Lucius fan club, that liquid he's been drinking contains some kind of a… chemical.

It interacts with the body and causes a… secretion of a, of a, pheromone, and then there's something about gamma activity in the prefrontal cortrex"

"Prefrontal cortex", Beckett corrects John on the term, "the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions."

"See?" John bats Beckett on the arm in enthusiasm, "That's why I need ya. It seems that when people are exposed to this pheromone in close proximity, it makes them, uh… easy to influence, and the longer they're exposed, the worse the addiction gets."

"You mean literally an addictive personality?" Beckett asks with a stricken expression.

"That's what it looks like." John hopes he is getting through to what is left of Beckett's rational self.

"It's rubbish!" Beckett shouts with sudden emotion.

"Check for yourself." John points to the computer, "I will bet you a year's pay that the liquid in that vial is some kind of an extract made from the herb that you collected for him… He made you his mule."

"If this is true, why weren't you affected?" Beckett challenges.

"My cold." John gestures to his nose, "I can hardly breathe. Plus, I haven't been around him much…

Look, I would just kidnap him and take him away somewhere till the pheromone wore off, but the people on his home planet are starting to get sick, and it looks like their gonna get worse before they get better. I don't want to put our people through that."

"You're doing it to me right now!" Beckett cries out in distress.

John gives Beckett a solid punch to the chest hoping to shock him out of it.

"Ow!" Beckett yelps.

"Buck up Carson!" John yells, "You haven't been exposed that long."

John grabs the other man by the shirt and peers at him intensely, "Look, I need you to figure out a way how to counteract this thing. There's got to be an antidote of some kind."

Beckett's countenance falters. John raises his brow quizzically. Is he getting through?

"I can't" Beckett chokes out the words.

He releases a sniffling Beckett from his hold and insists, "Yes, you can. You can beat it."

"But he needs me." Beckett begins weeping openly.

This doesn't seem like the right time to give Beckett another punch to the gut. John tries another approach and kneels down next him, patting his arm, "Hey, it's going to be okay… This'll pass-"

"No, he's…" Beckett is inconsolable, "He's the most important person in the world to me."

"No," John presses him, "you just feel that way that now, but if you think back, a couple days ago… before you met Lucius."

"I, I won't have anybody if he's gone." Beckett sobs.

"Hey you have lots of people." John leans in, "I mean, there's Rodney. You guys are good friends, right?"

Looking teary and unconvinced, Beckett sniffs.

"And hey," John continues, "you got me, I'm your friend too."

"Are you?" Beckett peers at John; "I don't even remember you ever calling me by first name until today."

"It's a military thing," John lifts his hands, "doesn't mean we're not friends, Carson. What could be more friendly than a, a… well intentioned intervention?"

"I don't know," Carson hangs his head, "I just don't know anymore."

"What if…" John ventures, "we just see if I'm right first. You can be the judge. If I'm wrong, well, I take you back with a sincere apology… Will you just take a look?"

Carson stays in his stooped position, staring at the floor.

"Carson?" John gently shakes him by the shoulder.

"Okay, I'll look." Carson gulps, "But if your wrong I want you take me right back to him.

John pats him on shoulder sympathetically, "Alright buddy, I promise. If I'm wrong, I'll take you right back to your best friend."

After Carson has synthesized an antidote and inoculated himself, they let themselves get recaptured. Carson pretends to be under the influence still, so he can have time to produce enough of the antidote for everyone on Atlantis. Then he tricks Lucius into a Jumper where John is waiting to keep him aboard; flying around the planet long enough until the antidote has kicked in for everyone and they return to normal.

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* * *

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After the effects of the antidote take hold, Rodney feels like such an idiot. He heads to the lab to clean up. He is almost done getting rid of everything but he decides to set aside a small amount of the herb, for research purposes. There is a small tincture of the stuff, he wonders if he should keep that too?

He unscrews the cap and sniffs the contents. It doesn't smell like anything really. Without thinking Rodney lifts it to his lips and takes a small sip. No taste. He puts it aside for safekeeping, knowing that it probably isn't a good idea.

But it's just that a drug like this, with the power to influence cognitive decision making might come in useful one of these days. Like, on a mission.

With everyone on Atlantis immune, medical teams have gone out to give the villagers from the backwater hamlet the antidote. John returns some hours later to take Lucius to the brig.

That evening over dinner, Rodney sits on a long table with everyone from the team; John happens to be sitting next to him and Rodney notices that he seems unusually attentive. Even when Rodney isn't talking, John just gazes at him.

That's when Rodney remembers that John is the only person who was not been given the antidote. Aha. That explains it. The herb should wear off soon but Rodney decides to make the most of it.

He smiles and turns to converse with John at length. It is really pleasant having someone hanging off your every word, especially John, who is prone to eye rolls and sighs when Rodney is talking. It is amazing actually, John is rapt in attention no matter what subject Rodney brings up, even the technical specifications for the intergalactic gate bridge. Rodney starts to feel a little guilty by the end of the meal and excuses himself early.

Back in his room, Rodney hunts for a missing drive. God this place is a mess, even for him. He pushes some clothes on the bed to the floor and spies it. He sits on his down and hooks it into his laptop.

Rodney hears a noise and looks up to see the door open by itself. It's not supposed to do that. Oh, it's John. Maybe his strong gene can override the door mechanism somehow?

John looks flushed, smiling, and he quickly makes his way over to the bed, sitting next to him. "You left without saying goodbye."

With John's shoulder bumping against his, Rodney's face flushes.

"Oh? Oh, yeah. Uh, sorry… I was tired or stressed, you know? Long day."

"I know what you need." John puts his hands on Rodney's shoulders and begins kneading the muscles without asking permission.

Oh. Okay, that feels good. Rodney shudders in pleasure. But this is bad.

He moves to stand up but John physically stops him. "Wait, Rodney, you're really tense, don't get up."

John sits up on the bed behind Rodney and he doesn't protest. His mouth has gone dry.

Suddenly John's hands are under his shirt entering from the waist and above the collar to gain access.

The shirt gets pushed up high to Rodney's chest, and then before Rodney realizes what John is doing, it has been pulled halfway off his head.

Flustered, he lets John untangle the garment from his head and arms. Rodney feels ridiculous now, shirtless… with John's hands moving over his skin. John's hands are amazing… Oh, God. How did he let this happen?

But John is murmuring to him, caressing his back. "Come on Rodney, lay down and relax."

He stays sitting upright and stiff.

John reaches an arm around Rodney's middle and playfully pulls him to the bed. He pushes Rodney onto his stomach.

"Wait, Whoa –Whoa" Rodney protests.

Casually sitting on the back of Rodney's waist, John acts as if this is the kind of thing that they do every day. He trails his fingertips over the length of Rodney's back "So soft, Rodney. You've always been so soft."

What is going on here? Rodney's heart is pounding; his cock is getting hard under him. John's hands are pure bliss.

Oh, the warm, slightly dry quality of those long and strong hands. He has been missing them for so long… all these years. It's even better than he remembered it.

The way he is lightly sweeping his fingers across Rodney's neck, arms, and back… It feels so tender and expressive. Rodney knows it is probably just the drug. John doesn't feel anything for him, but he is making Rodney ache.

He should put a stop to this… Just a little more, maybe?

A little more, but he will stop it before anything gets too out of line. John begins working with his thumbs, working his way down Rodney's, neck, then fans out, kneading the muscle between the neck and shoulder.

Oh. Yes. Most of the tension is there in his upper back… Well, lower back too… Rodney sighs in contentment, forgetting for the moment, the moral ambiguity of the situation.

"See Rodney, I knew I could make it feel better if you just let me try. You know, your back is beautiful?"

He tenses again. He's lying here with a hard on, under John. Fuck.

"There." John moves to other side using a different technique, "How does that feel?"

"Good," Rodney squeaks.

"Wait here, a sec." John pats his hand on Rodney's shoulder blade, "I have something I want to try."

Rodney needs to get up and stop this but he is frozen in place. He hears John open his night side table and pull something out. He can smell it now, it's his cocoa butter sunscreen moisturizer… and occasional lube. What is John thinking?

John's hands return to his back, softer, more lubricated. He is able to artfully slide his hands into and around the skin. The massage is luxurious, John leaves nothing unattended. The shoulder massage begins to morphs into an arm massage.

He shouldn't be so relaxed. But he feels helpless under John's touch. John sits further back, resting on Rodney's ass while he digs into the lower spine.

God. Rodney can feel John's erection against his ass. He wants John to fuck him so bad. He is grateful that his own cock is being obscured between his bed and stomach. He can't let anything like that happen between them. John wouldn't be hard for Rodney if it wasn't for the drug.

Working the tension completely out of Rodney's lower back, John ventures a little lower and massages the top of Rodney's ass. He is burning with desire now, wishing John really wanted him as he much he wants John.

John sighs like he is finished and then collapses his chest onto Rodney's back. Rodney feels John's face and lips pressing into his neck, his cock pressing up against his ass.

"Mmm… Rodney." John's hands slide down Rodney's arms, he groans. John's lips start to trail along Rodney's nape.

This is too much; Rodney has to stop this.

He can feel John's hips grinding ever so slightly, moving his hard cock against Rodney's ass.

He stiffens, "John?"

"Mmm?"

"John… That was wonderful, that was really wonderful. I feel so relaxed now, and, uh, I would just like to go to sleep now. Do you think I could do that… alone? Would you mind leaving?"

"Sure Rodney, whatever you want." John sounds disappointed.

"Sleep well." John gushes sweetly on his way out.

Rodney wakes the following day with a massive amount of guilt. Is there any way he can untangle this mess without anyone finding out? Maybe the herb will fade quickly from his system. After all, Rodney only took the smallest sip.

He gets ready to join the team. Today they are taking Lucius back to his planet. Rodney is anxious when he sees John. But throughout the day John appears to be acting pretty much the same as he always does.

Well, maybe a bit more attentive to Rodney. Less sarcastic, perhaps even a little bit sweet. Nothing that anyone else seems to notice though. Rodney hopes the effects are fading.

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When Rodney and the rest of the team get back to Atlantis, they meet up with Elizabeth and Carson at the top of the stairs.

Elizabeth enquires about Lucius' homecoming.

"Well, they didn't kill him, although I do see a string of divorces in his future." John offers.

"That's if they haven't strung him up first." Ronon adds.

"Well," Rodney disagrees, "the townspeople are over their withdrawal, and on the mend, so I doubt that will happen."

Teyla speaks up, "That is, unless we discover he's revealed the location of Atlantis to anyone."

"In wish case," Ronon is stern, "I said I would track him down, hang him by his feet, and cut off his-"

"Thank you." Elizabeth interrupts, "We get the idea."

"So everyone here, ah…" John smiles in amusement, "back to normal?"

Elizabeth and Carson both look a bit ashamed.

"We're still fine, John." Elizabeth answers evenly.

"No lingering desires?" John teases, "Secret longings for his touch?"

"It's embarrassing enough without you constantly reminding us, thank you." Carson says uncomfortably.

It is funny though, that John keeps reminding them. Rodney smiles.

"All right, all right" John smirks. He lets it go and turns around, affectionately grasping Rodney's shoulder, "Hey buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before next scout."

He gives Rodney a few pats on the back and runs off.

Rodney blanches; the rest of the team is looking at him like he is the most evil man in the world. Oh fuck, he thought the effects were wearing off... He tries to quickly excuse himself.

Teyla and Ronon block his exit, and Elizabeth's voice is icy, "Rodney."

With no escape available, Rodney tries for an appeal, "It was one teeny, tiny taste ...for research purposes."

"Burn it." Elizabeth is adamant.

"All of it". Carson answers hot on her heels.

"Right now." Elizabeth continues.

"Fine." Rodney looks down, dejected. Now everyone will think even less of him than they already do, "Story of my life."

This time Teyla and Ronon let him pass, but just barely.

Sullen, Rodney returns to the lab to dispose of the remaining material.

When he returns to his quarters they are impeccably clean. He could bounce a quarter, if he had one, off of the bed. Rodney sits on the edge and sighs. He had thought maybe Ronon or Teyla would have stopped John from doing this.

Too ashamed to face anyone at dinner, he stays in his room for the rest of the night, nursing his hunger with Powerbars and MRE's. What is he going to say to John?

When morning comes, Rodney sleeps in, he knows John gets up early and if he waits long enough he will miss him at the mess hall. There is no mission today, just lab work to do.

By the time Rodney makes it to the cafeteria it is mostly empty, he eats his fill and stocks up on as much as he can carry with him for later, just in case. What if John kicks him off the team? He probably deserves it.

He skips lunch in the cafeteria, dipping into his reserve and then leaves early, despite Zelenka's objection. Grabbing a tray for dinner, he takes it to his room before he runs into John.

Rodney finishes his meal alone and is gloomily looking over some specs when the door chimes.

"Yes?" Rodney's voice cracks.

It is John. He is walking in. Okay, there is no avoiding this now.

John looks around the room, "I see it took you no time to make a mess of things again."

"Oh. Right." Rodney looks at a food tray and some disheveled clothing, on the floor "Yes."

There is a strange look on John's face, one Rodney doesn't recognize. Is it anger?

"John, I'm really sorry, I didn't intend for it to go so far. I was just testing and I forgot you hadn't had the antidote…" ' _Had he forgotten?'_

"Well, I've taken it now." John smirks.

"Right." Rodney looks down, "I don't know what to say… There is no excuse, really. I don't know what to do to make it up to you. I understand if you want me off the team."

He looks up to John's face again, afraid of what he might see.

"I know." John is smiling dangerously.

"What?" Rodney asks.

"How you can make it up to me."

"Oh. Okay. Whatever you want." Rodney is desperate.

John looks self-satisfied, "I want…"

Knowing there has to be some kind of punch line, Rodney waits.

"A _massage_." John punctuates his words with definition.

Of course. Rodney's face falls, "Look, I am so, so sorry. It wasn't really my idea, but that isn't any excuse-"

Walking up to Rodney, John pushes him in the shoulder insistently, "I. Want. A. Massage… So give me my massage Rodney. And then we'll be even."

"We'll be... even?" Rodney looks up in utter confusion.

"Yeah." John smiles darkly again, "You got one, I want one. Even."

He is starting to wonder if John is serious when he sees him reaching into the bedside table and take out the cocoa butter.

Reaching up with a lazy hand, John pulls his shirt easily over his head. His hair looking slightly more ruffled than it already does.

Rodney tries to keep his breath steady, staring wide mouthed at John's chest. His body is too beautiful, achingly perfect, with those sinuous tight muscles, sun kissed skin, and long and lanky limbs. Rodney is frozen.

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* * *

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John sees Rodney's fearful expression and finds it funny that Rodney thinks he's mad at him. He laughs out loud. Poor Rodney hunches his shoulders and winces.

"Rodney," John takes a serious tone, "if you want to make it up to me, this is what you have to do."

"Now, move over and let me-" He shoos Rodney, making him move to the side of the bed.

"Thank you." John crawls up, lying on his stomach; sighing in relaxation, he pulls a pillow under his head.

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* * *

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Rodney stares at John's back, so long, lithe and defined. His body always seems to lean into everything naturally.

The arches are graceful; he can see the beginnings of John's pert butt curving at the edge of his pants. Rodney's cock hardens despite himself.

"And Rodney?" John is speaking again, "You'd better make it good."

Reaching for the jar, Rodney uses the movement to muffle his adjustments. He positions his cock so the head is folded under the top of his briefs. A trick he used in high school to hide unwanted erections. His cock is long enough to stay put that way.

If he is going to do this, Rodney doesn't want John to know he much how is lusting for him. He is sure John wouldn't want that. He straddles John but keeps himself propped up on his knees.

His hands are shaking as he opens the jar of lotion. How much should he use? Rodney takes some out, maybe too much, then accidently drops it on John's back.

"Rodney." John complains.

"Sorry", Rodney moves his hands to smooth it out, "Sorry, I'll just… spread it out.  
Uh, he isn't doing a good job so far. John had lovingly worshipped his back; it is only fair that he do the same. Rodney rubs it in and then begins to take enjoyment from his punishment.

He moves his hands up the arch of John's back, over his shoulders, and down his arms. It is intoxicating; he has never gotten to touch John like this before, not even when they'd their brief affair in Antarctica.

Rodney lingers on the arms. God, John is so hot. Rodney leans too far forward and his knees wobble a little.

"Relax, Rodney. Sit down." John instructs.

Thank God he tucked his cock up out of the way. Rodney seats himself onto John's back. He would be mortified right now if John could feel his erection. He takes a breath and tries to relax.

Closing his eyes, he feels where John needs the knots worked out. Rodney works one side of John's shoulders and then the other until they feel completely loose.

Then he moves back down to John's arms. They don't seem to need it but Rodney lavishes attention on them before working on John's neck.

Rodney has always wanted to touch John's hair but he keeps himself in check. Instead he works his way down John's neck and lower spine. He shouldn't be doing this; it just fuels his feelings for John.

Right now they feel so close and familiar, like he could turn John around and… and John would love him back.

But it's not that. Rodney has to remember not to get carried away.

Sitting back on John's pert ass, he massages John's lower back. Rodney lets his hands express all the love he wants to. He savors the feeling of John's skin. He will probably never get to touch him like this again.

When he finishes the low back, he works his way up again. He wants to make this last as long as he can.

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* * *

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John smiles into the pillow. Rodney is making it good, really good. He has been massaging him for over an hour. Rodney's fingers are warm to the touch and they feel so… God, John is going to think about this later when he is jerking off. Why can't he stop thinking about Rodney this way? He just can't get him out of his head. There is something about Rodney that…

Well, Rodney was the first guy John's slept with more than just the one time. And then there had been that blowjob… That had really pushed it over the edge.

John doesn't know if all blowjobs from guys feel like that, he doesn't think so. It was Rodney. And Rodney, Rodney feels good. He makes John want to hold him against a wall and have his way with him. Oh, God.

And he's never gotten a massage from a guy either. John pushes his cock into the mattress with pleasure and wonders how he is ever going to stand up from this.

He wants to beg Rodney to bite his shoulder again, the way he did that time he sucked John's cock. He'd made John tell him he wanted it.

Fuck. John still wants it. What is wrong with him?

Finally, Rodney stops and moves off of him.

But John wants to grab him back down to the bed…

"Let me just wash my hands." Rodney is saying on the way to the bathroom.

John has to get out of here before Rodney sees how hard he is.

He pulls his shirt back on and grabs one of Rodney's jackets he sees lying on the floor; holding it over his tenting pants, he calls to Rodney in the other room, "Okay! We're even."

Then he bolts out of the room and heads for his quarters where he can take care of his aching cock.

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	37. We're actually-- We're quite close

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"I'll bet anything that one's Ronon." Rodney points to the screen, pulling up a location he matched to the frequencies used by the old Wraith implant they had taken out of him.

"Why?" John peers at it, "How do you know?"

"That's Sateda. It's Ronon's home planet."

John pats him on the back, "Good job Rodney, I thought maybe we'd lost him for good."

"Well, it wasn't easy matching the subspace calibrations," Rodney smiles smugly, "but like I said, you stick to your bad jokes and leave the brilliant science stuff to me."

"Look, you can't go and get all jabbed in the ass and not expect some teasing about it." John shakes his head, "Now, let's go bring Ronon home."

"It wasn't a jab," Rodney objects on the way to the Gateroom, "It was more like a huge, a very PAINFUL, stabbing of the uh, uh, Gluteus Maximus."

"You're going to be the butt of the joke for a while around here." John tells him with a smirk, "Get used to it."

Rodney rolls his eyes, "Well then, don't expect any sympathy from me next time you get shot or whatever."

"Well if it's a little arrow, sticking out of my butt," John shrugs, "I don't think I'd be making such a fuss... carrying around my little 'butt pillow' and talking about it all the time."

"I'll have you know that pillow is next to useless." Rodney whines, "I can't even sit down!"

"Can't wait to tell Ronon all about it." John laughs, "Okay, once we know we can get a positive lock, I'll start putting a few teams together. You rest up and try not to chaffe any more of your sensitive areas."

Only when Rodney dials the gate address it doesn't lock, he looks at John apologetically, "The Wraith must be keeping it open from their side."

"Then we go after him with the Daedalus." John decides, calling for an immediate briefing.

But they find Colonel Cadwell less than willing to help.

Rodney bites his lip knowing how much this means to John. He doesn't even resent the care and concern he sees in John's eyes as he argues with Caldwell about the rescue mission.

Of course John wants to go after that stupid caveman at all costs. What Rodney didn't expect, is that HE does too. It's not like Ronon hasn't saved his life before. He knows Ronon would have tried to sacrifice himself for Rodney the way he did for John and Teyla by letting himself be taken captive by the Wraith again.

They can't let this be his fate. They just can't. Rodney feels guilty now for begrudging Ronon any kind of acceptance, he's actually one of the most honorable and loyal people Rodney's ever met. No, they'll do whatever they have to to get him back.

"I will not put my crew and the only ship that we have in this galaxy at risk for one man." Caldwell informs John.

"One man who isn't a member of the U.S. military." John makes a bitter face.

"I didn't say that." Caldwell gives a dismissive sneer.

"He's a member of my team." John strides angrily up to Caldwell's face, "And he deserves the same respect as anyone on this expedition!"

When Caldwell won't back down, John comes up with another plan, asking him just to get them close enough to the planet that he can bring his team in with a cloaked Jumper.

Carson pipes up saying he can remove the new tracking device implanted in Ronon before they get back to Daedalus.

"We'll be out of there before the Wraith even know what happened." John tells Caldwell.

Shaking his head, Caldwell warns, "I won't bail you out if you get into trouble."

John's demeanor is irreverent, "You say that as if we're always getting into trouble." He walks past Caldwell and stalks out of the room before there are any more objections.

Rodney follows fast on his heels to help gear up.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John sees Teyla approaching him in the small cafeteria aboard the Daedalus; she sits down and thanks him for going after Ronon with all guns blazing.

"Did you think we wouldn't?" John asks.

"He is an outsider."

"Not to me." John clarifies.

"I have often felt like an outsider among your people." Teyla admits.

"Well, maybe at first, but…" John tells her, "You know I've always trusted you."

She nods, "Yes. You and Dr. Weir have been very accepting. But this has shown me how far you would go, even for someone who is not from your world."

"Look Teyla," He leans forward over the table "I'm not really good at, uh… Actually, I'm, I'm terrible at expressing… I don't know what you'd call it…" In front of his coffee mug, John's hands lift in little shrug.

"Feelings?" Teyla suggests.

"Yeah, sure." John frowns, "Okay. The point is, I don't really have good, uh…"

Teyla quickly fills in the blank, "Social skills."

He pauses awkwardly… "Well, that is why I enjoyed flying choppers in the most remote part of my world before all this craziness happened.

But, uh, you should know", John's voice gets quiet with emotion he doesn't know how to express, "I don't have, uh…"

After a moment Teyla volunteers, "Friends?"

"No." John looks at her in shock, then a little defensively, "I have friends."

She smiles and looks away embarrassed.

He swallows thinking of Rodney, "You, Elizabeth…"

And there is Rodney.

Out loud he says, "Ronon…"

John tells himself that he can say Rodney's name without it sounding any different than the others.

"Carson…" quickly adding, "and even Rodney are the closest thing I have to a…." he flounders again.

"A family? Teyla prods.

Yeah. She hit it right on the nose. John never had one of those. His voice hitches. "I'd do anything…"

He looks Teyla in the eye, afraid of being this vulnerable, but trying to hold her gaze long enough so that she understands he means it. "for any one of you."

She looks gentle as John continues, "If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to…"

John stops, pressing his lips together to push back the well of emotion. He draws a steady breath, "I would."

This is too much. John shifts his gaze away. This is more than he has ever said to any one of his… his friends. The ones that have died or the ones he has now and is terrified to loose. His lips push back together in discomfort and he braces himself to leave.

Before he stands, he reaches over the table gruffly and pats her hands in affection.

"Thank you." Teyla's voice follows him as he leaves.

Unsure of what to say, John just stands there with his back to her.

Teyla continues, with kindness in her voice, "For everything you... meant to say."

Across the room, he keeps his back towards her. John can't talk anymore; there is a lump in his stupid throat. Why does he feel so empty and sad; he's going to get Ronon back, he can't lose anyone else.

But acknowledging the people who matter to him makes John feel all the more vulnerable, reminds him that they could be ripped away at any moment. That's what's always happened before when he's let himself care.

His ex-wife once told him that he was a pathetic character, walking through the world with the barest shred of human connection.

And talking to Teyla, who is able to connect so naturally with people gives him a sense of how dim he must seem to others, how… disconnected.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney is in a foul mood as Carson treats his wound, screaming, "Oh! Son of a- You're killing me!"

"I'm not even touching you." Carson tells him, "Seriously, Rodney, I've never treated a bigger baby in my life."

"Just… Are we done?"

"Yes." Carson takes off his gloves, "It looks fine, considering."

Groaning, Rodney pulls up his pants... Yes, considering those primitive idiots shot him in the ass with an arrow.

Irritable, he finds himself getting into an argument with Carson about why he came on the mission. His is pride wounded that Carson doesn't realize that he cares about what happens to Ronon. Rodney feels differently about Ronon now than he once did. He isn't even jealous of John's attention and friendship with him anymore.

Rodney wags a finger, "Hey, I am a very caring person." He pauses, feeling a little ashamed and adds, "Okay, Maybe it's not obvious to everyone but, uh…"

"You care about what happens to Ronon?" Carson asks in disbelief.

"Yes, of course I do. What makes you think I wouldn't?"

"Oh I don't know," Carson suggests, "the fact that you refer to him as 'the caveman' behind his back."

"That is a nickname." Rodney explains, "Buddies have nicknames for each other."

"Buddies?" Carson blinks at Rodney, "Oh, you're buddies now, are you?"

"Yeah." Rodney holds his chin up, "More than that, he saved my life. He's like a brother to me."

"Aye, maybe a brother who got every gene you didn't and vice versa." Carson closes his medicine case.

Rodney knows he is reaching for the ridiculous but he says it anyway. "You are just jealous of our relationship."

"Am I?" Carson inquires, "In the year or so he's been with us, have you ever had a conversation with the man?

"We have an unspoken bond." Rodney smiles in self-assurance, "I mean there are things that go deeper than words, my friend, deeper than words. But you wouldn't know anything about that because you never look past the surface of anyone, do you?"

Rodney quickly leaves the infirmary so that he can have the last word.

.

.

Once they head out to the Satedan home world, John and Teyla go to check out the building where Rodney detected the transmitter signal. He and Carson stay behind in the cloaked Jumper; he can feel still feel the tension in the air from the words the two of them exchanged earlier.

As time goes by Rodney worries and calls on the com, "What is going on down there? You have at least 25 Wraith closing in on your position from ground level."

"It seems Ronon doesn't want to leave." John answers.

Rodney shouts, "Well too bad, you tell that ungrateful example of unevolved humanity that we came all this way to rescue him, so he'd better get off his ass-"

He hears John speaking to Ronon, "McKay says he's very hurt you won't come with us."

Apparently, even though the other people Ronon thought he was protecting have been killed by the Wraith, John says he wants to lure the General responsible for culling his homeworld down from the Hive ship so he can kill him.

"That is the stupidest plan I ever heard." Rodney sneers.

Rodney looks at the screen and realizes how outnumbered they are, he and Carson soon get into an another argument about which one of them should go out and help.

If anyone should go it should be him. But while they are physically wrestling over one of the guns, he hears John over the radio saying they already got them all.

Rodney looks at the life detector in disbelief; he can't believe they actually did it.

Ronon seems to get his wish, as the General beams down.

Watching from the cloaked Jumper, he and Carson watch the fight in apprehension. Ronon is no match for him.

"He's killing him, we've got to do something!" Rodney panics.

"Where are John and Teyla?" Carson wonders.

Rodney points to the screen, "Behind those things."

"Well why the bloody hell aren't they doing anything?"

Snapping his fingers, Rodney comes up with a plan "We fire a drone! We'll have to uncloak, but I don't see what choice we've got."

Carson takes a seat at the controls, "Aye, I've done it before."

"You mean when you nearly destroyed the Ancient outpost in Antarctica?" Rodney sneers.

"Just got to get a clear shot." Carson frowns in concentration.

Ronon is bloody and gasping on the ground as the Wraith reaches his hand back to feed and drain the life from him.

"Do it now!" Rodney shouts. "He's not going to make it!"

A yellow canon fires into the chest of the creature, throwing it clear of Ronon and decimating it to ash in a giant explosion. John and Teyla suddenly reappear and help Ronon aboard. They quickly re-cloak the Jumper and barely make a getaway before the Hive ship in orbit destroys them.

"Which one of you killed the Wraith?" A bloody Ronon growls from his seat.

"That would be me." Carson beams.

"My idea." Rodney pipes up to make sure he gets his credit.

Ronon pulls himself upright and lunges toward Carson.

"Ronon." Teyla issues a warning.

"What?" Carson is confused, "Don't tell me that you're not happy that he's dead?"

"I had him in my sights, but Ronon said he'd kill me if I shot him." John explains.

Eager to distance himself from the incident, Rodney nervously changes his story, "It was all Beckett's idea."

"Thanks, Doc." Ronon grabs Carson and pulls him into a bear hug.

"What? Him you thank?" Rodney feels left out.

John seems to feel the same, "I could have killed him at any time, but Teyla wouldn't let me."

"Thank you." Ronon places a big hand on Rodney's shoulder, "All of you."

"Oh, don't mention it." Rodney feels immensely better.

.

.

* * *

.

.

For the last few weeks now, John has wanted to have a talk with Rodney, ever since they got back from Sateda. This seems like as good a time as any, he knows Rodney is up late in the lab and it's otherwise empty.

"Hey." He saunters in and sees Rodney seated in a chair, "How's your butt?"

"Here for more bad jokes, Colonel?" Rodney keeps typing.

Sometimes he hates it when Rodney calls him Colonel. It signifies their professional relationship. John had wanted to talk to Rodney the friend.

He feels stupid. Like Teyla said, he's not good with feelings. He doesn't know what he was thinking. Maybe this was a bad idea…

John's lips purse tightly and he braces to go.

"Wait!" Rodney pulls his arm, "don't go." He keeps ahold of John's arm, looking at his face, as if he can sense the emotion. John is sure his expression betrays nothing except a scowl, but Rodney squeezes his forearm.

"I'm glad we got Ronon back." He tells John.

"You did good." John nods. He looks up at Rodney. "Ah, I wanted to say something… Well…"

He pulls out Rodney's jacket, clean and folded, "First of all I wanted to return this."

"Hey, this is…" Rodney peers at it, "I've been looking for this forever."

"Really?" John is shocked Rodney even noticed it was gone, "Given the state of your room, I find it a little hard to believe you'd ever notice if something was missing."

"It is simply a pattern too complex for you to comprehend." Rodney smirks, "But I assure you, there is a method to my genius."

Blinking at his jacket, Rodney asks, "So, this was what you wanted to say?"

"No." John shakes his head, "I, I wanted to… uh..."

"Oh, no." Rodney looks concerned, "Is it something bad? What's wrong, what did I do?"

"No. Not bad." John sits down next to him and rubs the back of his head anxiously.

"Look, uh, I was talking to Teyla the other day… and it made me think about how I'm not great at letting people know… I'm, uh, not good at….

You know, talking about… emotions and stuff... But, I thought I should tell you, -all of you, really -how much you mean to me."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks."

It doesn't seem like Rodney understands what he is trying to say.

John continues, "Okay. Your friendship… it's very important to me, Rodney. I've… never had a friend like you, ah, I just hope you know that... how much you mean.. you mean a lot to me."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney is shocked, he wants to grab John and pull him into a hug but he restrains himself.

"I didn't realize… I mean, thank you. Because you mean the world to me and our… our friendship… Well, it's more important to me than I really know how to put into words.

I'm, uh, not great with this either, but it's nice to know you think of me as more than a forced comrade… or" referring to the running joke about his recent injury, "a pain in the butt."

.

.

* * *

.

.

"Is that how you really think I see you? Just a forced comrade?" John is saddened that after everything, that is all Rodney's thought he felt for him.

"Well, I mean I didn't know …" Rodney blinks nervously, "But I'm glad you think of me as a friend… Thank you." He gives a small smile and looks down.

"Well," John stands up and speaks with a more playful tone, "then I'm glad we had this little talk."

"John?" Rodney calls to him on the way out.

"Yeah?" John turns.

"Do you know…" Rodney looks wide-eyed and uncomfortable, speaking quickly, "You really mean a lot to me, I, ah, consider you one of my closest friends."

John smiles. He'd assumed Rodney considered him a friend, but not one of his closest; his chest feels warm, "I didn't know exactly… but now I do, so..."

"So. Good." Rodney nods.

There is a moment of awkward silence between them, then John asks, "So now that you can sit down, think you can handle playing the game again -seeing as I've been kicking your ass so badly?"

" Your civilization is a joke. I am so beating you." Rodney makes a face of false pity, "And don't think this little talk is going to make me go any easier on you."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, all talk." John waves his hand on the way out.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney is so excited to be in the briefing with Sam. His Sam, Samantha Carter is here along with the rest of her team from Stargate Command. Rodney is sure she needs his help with those bad guys threatening to overrun the Milky Way.

While she is giving her briefing, he can't seem to stop himself from interrupting and elaborating on his perspective. After all, the presentation is really meant to get the rest of the team up to speed, Rodney understands exactly what she is trying to do.

"No-no-no." Rodney objects to what she is proposing, "The diameter of a Stargate is not arbitrary. There is a specific correlation between the energy required to create a stable wormhole-"

Sam cuts him off, "And the size of the gate. I know that."

Rodney continues, "And it's exponentially proportional to size, which means the energy required to create a connection with a supergate would far exceed that of an ordinary gate. It'd be like putting together a Saint Bernard and a Chihuahua."

The sexy brunette sitting across the table from him smiles playfully, "And the problem with that would be-"

He narrows his eyes at her, what was her name... Vala "Well, obviously it's a question of, uh…" Rodney notices the bemused expression on Daniel's face. God, that guy is annoying

"Oh, I see." Rodney blinks in irritation, "You're, um, mocking me, aren't you?"

"What?" Vala looks innocent, "No. I'm not from Earth. I honestly didn't get the reference."

"Oh," Rodney begins again, "Oh, well, they're both dogs-"

"McKay." Sam's voice speaks over him in frustration.

"Colonel Carter, please continue." Elizabeth graciously offers.

"If he speaks again, I'll shoot him." John says in a low voice.

Rodney gives John a hurt expression and tries to keep quiet, but he can't help himself from detailing exactly the physics they need to consider. This seems to irritate Colonel Mitchel but Rodney could care less and keeps interrupting him to make his point.

"I am just saying, the yield calculations can be extremely tricky, if not borderline impossible…" Rodney comes to his conclusion, "You may need me."

Vala chuckles, "Colonel Carter said as much."

"Ooh…" Sam winces. "We weren't going to tell him that."

'Sorry'. Vala mouths a silent apology.

But Rodney brightens at the prospect of Sam actually admitting she needs him.

"John, do you think you could spare Rodney from your team?" Elizabeth asks.

"Hell, you can keep him." John smirks at Rodney.

"Nice." Mitchell nods in amusement.

Rodney doesn't bother with a comeback, still preening over the fact that Sam needs him.

As people begin to filter out of the room, Daniel stops Rodney, "Hey, I've got to say it's pretty amazing here, I've always been a little jealous that O'Neill didn't let me come on the expedition."

"Yes, well," Rodney looks at him condescendingly, "I'm sure we've gotten along just fine without you."

Vala leans her chin onto Daniel's shoulder with a wide grin, asking him "Why do I get the feeling he doesn't like you much."

"What's not to like?" Rodney gives a pained smile, "I've enjoyed hearing him go on and on about his archeological finds, how he alone cracked the code of the Stargate, droning on about technical details that he thinks he's the only one that understands."

"Oh, you mean," Vala looks like she trying to contain her amusement, "kind of like…" she juts a thumb back at the empty conference table, "how you were back in there?"

"No," Rodney gestures emphatically with his hands, "I was talking about details relevant to a mission. I wasn't, say, bragging about how I'm the foremost expert on Ancient technology, even though I happen to be."

"Oh." Vala looks to Daniel then presses her hands together as if this is all a very exciting mystery to her, "Am I sensing some kind of rivalry going on here?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Daniel makes a puzzled face and shrugs ambivalently.

Rodney rolls his eyes and heads out of the briefing room; he can just overhear John talking with Colonel Mitchel, "Well, good luck. And listen, if McKay gives you a hard time, just-"

"Shoot him." Mitchell makes a gesture.

"Also," John confides, "he's mortally allergic to citrus, so…"

"Really?" Mitchell asks.

Rodney sees John pull a lemon out of one of his pockets, saying, "I keep one with me at all times."

At all times? John has teased him with it on a few occasions but… At all times-

"Just a comfort to know, it's there." John tosses it to Mitchell,

"That's good intel. Thanks." Mitchell examines the lemon.

John walks off before Rodney can catch up with him. Yes ha, ha, very funny, because of his citrus allergy… "That's a good one." Rodney steps in front of Mitchell, pointing towards John and laughing. "We're actually… We're quite close."

Rodney knows that they are, even if John makes jokes about shooting him. He knows John considers him a close friend.

"Have you packed your bags?" Mitchell asks.

"Hmm?" Rodney is confused for a minute, "Oh, right, right." He will be joining the Odyssey on the away mission. Rodney runs off to get ready. He is really looking forward to getting to spend some quality time with Sam.

.

.

As the Odyssey gets ready for liftoff, Rodney walks over to her to have a private conversation.

"You can check my preliminary yield calculations. They're on that station over there." Sam points back to a computer console.

"I'm sure their fine." Rodney waves his hand.

"It's the reason you're here McKay." Sam looks confused.

"Hmm, right." Rodney tells her, "But first I just wanted to thank you for being there for me recently, in a time of great personal need…

Well, actually, you weren't there, I was alone in the dark, but, um, you know, it sure seemed like you were."

"Are you telling me one of your fantasies?" Sam grimaces.

"No." Rodney explains, "It was a hallucination. Look, I had a concussion, I was trapped in the back of a sinking Jumper, and my mind conjured you up as a means of survival. It's just what you would do in my situation. Saved my life."

"Okay." Sam looks relieved, "Well, that's sort of nice."

"Hmm." Rodney smiles warmly, "Yes it was."

Sam's face becomes suspicious, "Was I naked?"

"Partially." Rodney admits.

"Check my calculations, McKay." Sam closes her eyes and sighs.

.  
.

The mission turns out to be a great success thanks mostly to Rodney… sure, maybe a little prodding with a lemon had helped spark some inspiration, but in the end Sam couldn't have done it without him.

Feeling inflated by his success and a little inspired by his recent talk with John, Rodney prepares some coffee and pastries and seeks Carson out in the infirmary.

"Rodney. What's this, now?" Carson greets him as he walks in.

"Just a snack. Fancy a walk on the pier?"

"Don't mind if I do." Carson walks over to inspect the offerings.

On the way there, Carson asks, "What's the occasion?"

"Does there have to be one?"

"Well," Carson gives him a funny look, "there's a first time for everything."

"Just wanted to talk, you know. I missed you… You were going to catch me up on the latest with Cadman, tell me how the long distance thing is going with her aboard the Daedalus."

On the walk down to the water's edge, Carson dishes on all the latest details of his romance. Rodney congratulates him, happy to hear things are going so well.

Carson smiles and takes a sip of his coffee as he sits down, "There's something so calming about being out here."

"True." Rodney looks out at the waves, "Much more relaxing than what we normally do."

"You're in an awfully good mood." Carson takes out a pastry, "Does it have anything to do with Sam?"

"What? Oh. No, I mean… It was nice seeing her." Rodney laughs, "I shouldn't have told her about my hallucination."

"You didn't?"

"I was just trying to thank her for the, uh, moral support. She was the one who guessed that she was somewhat naked in my fantas- I mean, hallucination."

"Sounds like it went well." Carson winces.

"As well as can be expected with my social skills. Listen, I… I actually wanted to talk to you about that. Sort of… I wanted to say I was sorry for being such a jerk when we were on Sateda. I know sometimes I get… prickly. I wanted to say-"

"Oh, it's nothing to fret about." Carson waves his hand, "But apology accepted."

"Hmm." Rodney looks back over the water, "In my hallucination, Sam told me… or I guess I told myself- that I'm arrogant, petty, and bad with people. I suppose that's just the tip of the iceberg, but I've been thinking… uh, that is, I'm not used to having to be good with people."

Carson lifts his brows.

"Or, at least caring about it. I've never been one to have… friends, you know? So this is kind of new to me."

"What do you mean?" Carson looks confused.

"I've never had friends before. I spent most of my time alone. People don't seem to like me so I stopped caring about social niceties."

"What do you mean, Rodney? People like you."

"Uh, no. They don't."

"I mean, sure, sometimes you're a wee bit rough around the edges, but everyone here cares about you."

Rodney frowns in disbelief, "Thanks, but-"

"You just don't let your guard down much, I've always wondering why. I mean, I know about Alex, that kind of thing would make it hard for anyone to trust, but I mean, is there something else?"

This isn't what he'd planned on talking about; Rodney's stomach lurches. Discussing his own shortcoming is something he would prefer not to dwell on. "I guess that's why I'm so arrogant."

"What?"

"To compensate for my other… missing parts."

Since Carson doesn't seem to be following, Rodney starts again, "There's nothing exceptional about me or my life."

Carson gapes at him in shock.

"Fine." Rodney groans, "Okay, other than the fact that I'm a genius… See, I can't stop, even now."

"Now that sounds more like the Rodney I know." Carson swallows a bite, "So what's the unexceptional story?"

"I don't know, "Rodney shakes his head, "Brief life history? Parents were older academics when they had my sister and I. They were very distant emotionally and pressured us to excel in school. That was the way to get their approval, and it was easy since I had certain gifts.

I skipped a lot of grades and that kind of ruled out a social life. I became accustomed to being bullied and taunted by others in school. Guess I got used to getting people to back off by being, you know, the way I am.

I've tried letting my guard down but people still don't like me, so that's all there is to it. I think it's… whatever, I didn't mean to go off on some sort of Rodney sob story. I'm always talking about myself, my problems… That's another problem I have, being selfish."

Carson tries to interject but Rodney stops him, "I wanted to say something else. Back to the friend thing…

You've been very kind to me. I wanted to tell you that I appreciate you, your friendship. Your one of the only friends I've ever had, but, ah, that shouldn't diminish the fact that you're one of the best friends I've ever had.

There, I said it. That's what I wanted to say."

"Rodney." Carson smiles softly, "I'm very touched. I've had my share of friends, but I count you among the very best as well."

"You do?" Rodney is surprised.

"Of course I do!" Carson shakes his head, "For someone who brags so much, you seem to think very little of yourself."

"Low self-esteem." Rodney rolls his eyes, "Add it to the list of problems."

"Well, even if you can't see it yourself, I think you're great."

"Yes, well…" Rodney feels awkward; it is a little strange hearing something positive being said about him –well, by someone other than himself "I, uh, think you're great too. And thank you… you know, for making it easier to let my guard down."

"Always a pleasure." Carson lifts his cup to touch Rodney's and the two of them laugh.

"So you really told her about the naked part?"

"Ugh. Yeah, and I, uh, almost kind of told her she was sexy on the bridge."

Rodney likes this, being able to laugh candidly with Carson about his foibles. Everything comes so easily when he's talking with Carson. They lounge and finish eating the pastries. Then Rodney walks him back to the infirmary and heads to the lab to check out some Ancient gadgets that are confounding him.

.

.

"Careful that stuff is very… complex"

John lifts up one of the devices on the table and inspects it casually "I don't know, Rodney. They don't seem very Ancienty to me."

"Ancienty?" Rodney gives a condescending look.

"Yes, I told you it's a word." John sets it down and folds his arms playfully.

Rodney walks next to John at the table, "Just because the ATA gene doesn't turn it on doesn't mean it's…"

"Un-Ancienty?" John's shoulder brushes against Rodney.

"Not exactly the word I was looking for." He reaches down for the object and touches it.

John is reaching down too. His hand closes over Rodney's.

Embarrassed by the accident, Rodney pulls back.

But John holds on to Rodney's hand, forgetting the unknown object.

Confused, Rodney looks down.

He is turning Rodney's hand in his, opening it and threading his fingers through Rodney's. Moving closer, John's body presses lightly against him.

"John?" Rodney's breath is shallow and his eyes downcast.

John's free hand wraps around Rodney's waist, pulling him in close.

"Ohhh." Rodney says shakily.

He feels helpless, his body is buzzing with sexual charge. This has to be some kind of joke, but he is completely at John's mercy, he can't resist him. John must know that, he can do anything to Rodney he wants.

But John doesn't want him, does he?

Letting go of Rodney's hand, John tilts Rodney's chin up to eye level.

As Rodney looks up, he sees John's face is full of warmth and tenderness.

"Rodney, I've always wanted you." John trails his fingers along Rodney's lips, "I should have let you kiss me, I was just scared.

I didn't want to admit how I felt..." John licks his lips, "How I feel about you."

.

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	38. Demons from Rodney's past return

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"How you feel about me?" Rodney whispers softly in disbelief.

"I'm not afraid anymore…" John stares back with unmistakable longing.

 _Oh God_ , _HE is afraid_. Rodney's eyes get big. What is about to happen?

John's hand snakes around his neck, pulling Rodney in and almost closing the distance between their lips. Oh God. He can't believe this is happening. Even though he's wanted this for so long, he feels so vulnerable. More than he ever did back in Antarctica, when John used to come to Rodney's room and just take what he wanted from him.

His breath hitches as John's lips lightly graze his. John has never seemed capable of sharing something as tender as this. The only time it's ever felt like this between them was that rare moment in the back of the Jumper. John had unexpectedly closed his arms around Rodney and held him close.

Just like that day in the Jumper, there is that same exquisite feeling of pins and needles rushing across Rodney's flushed skin as he remembers how John's head fell to his shoulder; his body melting into Rodney's, his hand swaying across his back.

This feels too good to be true, something bad is going to happen. Like that perfect night they had been laying under the stars together on the pier with thier hands brushing against each other. Rodney had summoned enough courage to show John that he wanted more between them; that he had needed him, wanted him every night since John abruptly withdrew his sexual attention without explanation.

This is too good to be true. Nothing good ever happens to him. Rodney remembers the outcome of that night, John's painful rejection when he had tried to kiss him. The fear and disgust in John's eyes… And later when Rodney had tried to bring it up to apologize, John had shoved Rodney against a wall, screaming like he hated him, "I said, don't. Go there. McKay. EVER."

And Rodney hasn't dared to ever let himself imagine going there again -no matter that he's never been able to get over his feelings for John. He's happy enough for the friendship they've managed to salvage. A friendship that means everything to him now. If he were to lose that, it would break him.

"You?" Rodney croaks a breath in the small space between his mouth and John's, "But you-"

"I love you, Rodney, you have to know that… "John murmurs with his eyes intent, holding Rodney's gaze, "You don't know that Rodney? How much I've wanted you, how much I've missed you?"

"No?" Exhaling a tiny squeak, Rodney can barely breathe.

"Can I show you Rodney?" John's arm moves behind Rodney's waist and he pulls their bodies up against each other, "Will you let me show you?"

"Uh, uh…I. Ye-yes.", Squeezing his eyes shut at the intensity of emotion, Rodney mutely nods; he wants this more than he's ever wanted anything.

And then he feels the light pressure of John's mouth against his, John's lips curving into a smile before they part ever so slightly and kiss Rodney soft and sweet.

His body is going weak, melting into John's embrace as another kiss closes over his mouth; reverent and chaste this time but clearly full of longing for more.

 _Oh God._ Rodney opens his eyes, blinking up at John, daring to allow himself to reveal the love he has kept hidden away. Clenched fingers unfurl and his hands reach back to touch John the way he's always wanted to, running them over the tight black shirt and feeling the lithe muscles underneath.

And then he kisses John back, taking those full pouty lips in his at last. A moan escapes him as John's fingers clench into the nape of Rodney's neck, his mouth returning the passion, demanding more.

Rodney surrenders to it and grants John's tongue entrance. The pins and needles have become fireworks now, he is wobbly and lightheaded as his tongue curls around John's and their lips dance. He lets himself go, he can't hold back anymore, it is bliss.

Catching a breath, John stops, taking Rodney's face with both hands, "I love you Rodney, so much." kissing him deeply again.

Rodney's stomach is doing flip-flops… butterflies everywhere, _'Oh John I love you too. I always have, even your stupid adorable pixie ears'_ ; then he hears himself say it out loud, "I love you too… I think ever since you first seduced me… but, but after, you gave me that hug, I knew that I would always-"

"Mmmm, that hug…" John groans and pulls back slightly to give Rodney a soulful look, totally unguarded and innocent, "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to tell you… to let myself go and, God-" John takes Rodney's mouth again speaking between kisses "I love you."… "I love you"…

Reaching up, Rodney's grips John's unruly mane and rakes his fingers through it. Oh. He's always wanted to do that. Tightening his grip, he fists John's hair and thrusts his tongue deep into John's mouth.

His soul is brimming with love, spilling out into every touch he can share with John. When they pull apart again Rodney is trembling with desire, so giddy and shaky he is having trouble standing.

"Let's get outta here." John smiles with mischief in his eyes, he grabs Rodney's arm and pulls him out the door as the two of them stumble back to John's quarters.

John is laughing and panting by the time they get there. Rodney starts laughing too, he isn't sure why, but it is so funny.

"Get over here." John pulls Rodney back into his arms and pushes him to the bed.

Feeling suddenly vulnerable again, Rodney stops laughing, wonerding _'Why now, after all this time?'_

They've never talked about what happened in Antarctica, the drug induced sex back on Ford's planet, or anything else that has happened between them. It's all such a tangled mess, one that Rodney thought was locked away, forever behind them. He thought that was where John wanted to leave it, that they'd come to an understanding about their friendship; even if it was mostly unspoken. If John has really wanted him this whole time why has he always pushed Rodney away? He is afraid to ask.

John must see the confusion in his eyes as he leans down to kiss the crease on Rodney's brow. "Oh, Rodney. I've missed you for so long."

Sighing, Rodney gives into his desire. If John really loves him, if he wants him now, it doesn't matter. Maybe one day Rodney will ask, but not now. All Rodney knows is that John has never looked at him this way before, has never dropped his walls, or let Rodney in like this. It feels like John is trying to give him everything and Rodney wants all of it. Rodney wants to give himself to John completely.

They take their time stripping off their clothes. Kissing languidly, making up for all the lost time.

Marveling at the beauty of the man Rodney kisses his way down John's chest, ready to take his gorgeous cock in his mouth.

But John rolls Rodney onto his back, moaning, "God, Rodney. I want you so bad."

Eyes wide, Rodney reaches for John's huge cock and massages it in his palm. "You can have me. I've always been yours."

John lunges for Rodney's mouth, taking it hard and pumping Rodney's engorged cock with one hand. "I want to fuck you, Rodney. I've missed fucking you." He husks.

 _'God, yes.'_ "Mmmphh" he kisses John back; God, he's missed it too.

Breaking away for moment, John grabs a small bottle of lube from the bedside table and slicks his cock.

Oh, God, he can't believe this is happening. Rodney's stomach flutters with excitement and a tinge of fear.

John seems to be reading his mind again, he leans down and kisses him tenderly, "I love you, Rodney. I just want to show you how I feel."

"Mmmmph." Rodney moans as he lets John spread his legs wide and tease his opening with his slick fingers. He eases one inside to get Rodney wet, gliding a slippery hand over Rodney's cock with the other.

"Oh, God …John …Oh" John moves a second finger in and out. Then Rodney feels the slick tip of John's cock pressed up against his hole and he wills himself to relax.

He hasn't been with anyone since the last time John fucked him. It was always a bit painful taking John's impossibly huge cock and adjusting to the size. Rodney pushes down allow entrance, it still feels like it is too big. But John is patient, watching Rodney's face to make sure he isn't hurting him.

"Oh. I forgot how good you feel." John sighs, he eases his cock in, one gentle push at a time.

As he goes deeper, he leans over completely so he can kiss Rodney while working his cock inside him.

This is so different than anything they did before. Rodney blinks up with complete trust and wonder, wrapping his legs around John's waist and his arms around John's back. the pain is minimal but he gasps with each thrust.

He feels so taken by John. His body belongs to him; John can do anything he wants to him.

Finally, when John gets all the way inside he makes a deep growl of pleasure, kissing Rodney while rocking his hips in and out.

"I love you too much. You make me crazy, Rodney."

An electric thrill sparks all the way through Rodney's body as John moves his massive cock, sliding over the prostate. He surrenders himself utterly to John's control. He's always been helpless when it comes to John.

"I love you John, I'm completely yours. I just… want… you… Ah. Ah. Oh, God. Yes, Oh God, the way you fuck me… I can't… Oh. Can't resist."

"You don't have to resist." John thrusts harder.

"I don't want to. Oh." Rodney is trembling, "Oh, I can't. I love you. Oh God , yes. Keep fucking me like that. Don't stop."

"I won't… Oh God, Rodney… " John seems just as lost in the bliss, "I need you. I need you… so fucking good. How are you so tight? Jesus... God… Oh."

He laps at Rodney's mouth as he slides his hand over Rodney's throbbing cock "Oh… So good, Rodney…"

John is thrusting faster now, pumping in and out so hard. "Oh fuck… You're gonna make me cum so hard." John gasps.

Rodney doesn't even know what he is saying anymore, he is so euphoric. He hears himself making noise but his brain has stopped working. He is getting close, so close. He can't hold back anymore. He screams out John's name while his whole body shakes and convulses as John's cock pounds into him.

And then John is cumming too, "Fu-fuck. GOD… Ahhhh… Rodney!" he slumps onto Rodney's chest.

As the two of them lie there completely spent, murmuring to each other and kissing in the afterglow, Rodney realizes how afraid he'd been that John would act like he did in Antarctica after they had sex -just leaving afterword without even looking at him. But he doesn't. He stays. He keeps holding Rodney in his arms and telling him that he loves him. Rodney is so happy he he could burst, he can't believe John feels this way about him, it just seems too good to be true.

As John's cock gets soft, he pulls out. Rodney gasps a little at the sensation of being empty. John gets up and brings a small towel back to the bed. He starts to wipe the cum off Rodney's stomach and then stifles a laugh.

"What is it?" Rodney feels suddenly self-conscious.

John lets go of the cloth, leaving it on Rodney stomach. He leans back with his hand over his mouth, shaking his head in mirth.

"What's so funny?" Rodney frowns uncomfortably.

"You are… "John lifts his eyebrows at him, "You fall for it every time."

"Fall for what?" Rodney's eyes widen in apprehension.

"You know what." John grins.

Feeling far too vulnerable and exposed, Rodney shakes his head.

"You are just too predictable, McKay." John smirks, "All it takes is some guy to get rough with you, to treat you like you deserve to be treated and you think you're in love? I knew it. Ever since I fucked you back in Antarctica, you've still been pining away for me."

Why would John talk to him like this? Rodney folds into himself to try to stop the horrible sensation that is taking hold of him.

"But you love me?" His voice quavers.

"No, I don't love you." John snorts derisively, "I just wanted to see if you were stupid enough to fall for it.

Blinking at a sudden sting of tears, Rodney tries to understand, "But, but, this isn't you. Even if you don't love me, you wouldn't treat me like this, would you? You wouldn't try to hurt me purposely… just because I care about you?"

"No one could ever care about you Rodney" John's face takes on a cruel expression, "you know that. You are the most unlikeable person I have ever met and yet… you would believe that I love you? So arrogant. You're an arrogant shell wrapped up in a quivering, pathetic mess."

Rodney curls into a ball to hide his tears and protect himself from John's hurtful words.

"But you love me, Rodney." John taunts him, "You like being treated like a little cum-rag. Admit it, I roughed you up and messed with your head. And when I was done with you I threw you away."

"But why would you do this?" Rodney gasps, his shoulders curled into himself, shaking as he quietly chokes back a sob.

"I wanted to see just how pathetic you really are." John's voice sounds emotionless, "And you know what, Rodney? It's really fucking pathetic how easy you are."

"I'm sorry John," Rodney sobs in earnest now, "I don't mean to be pathetic." He knows he is pathetic, he would do anything to make John like him again, to stop John from hating him.

"Please, John, I'm sorry." Rodney begs. This all feels so familiar.

"You disgust me." John says plainly.

There is no way he is going to be able to face John after this. He can't stop crying and he doesn't dare look at him. He is going to have to resign. Rodney pulls as tightly into himself as possible. He thought John cared about him, at least as a friend. That's what he'd said anyway.

Strong, rough hands that don't feel like John rip Rodney's arms away from his chest and fling him back on the bed.

It isn't John, Rodney realizes in horror, it's Alex.

Cold terror runs through Rodney's body. How did Alex get to Atlantis? Where did John go?

"You're so pathetic when you cry." Alex wrestles Rodney down onto his back and a hard slap stings the side of his face.

"Look at me when I talk to you and stop fucking crying, you pathetic baby. You know it ruins my hard on when you cry."

Rodney remembers this part; it is all too familiar. A helpless dread seizes him and he is frozen, afraid to move. Alex will hurt him worse unless he submits, unless he lets Alex inflict whatever indignity and humiliation suits his whim.

"Please, no." Rodney begs softly, another sob causing him to choke off his words.

"You know what you are good for?" Alex sneers, "Nobody fucking wants you. You're nothing but a cum rag, a little whore that likes to be used up. You're lucky I'm willing to use you at all. Look at your pasty, weak body; you're a sniveling little weakling. Tell me what you are, Rodney."

"I-I'm a cum-rag." Rodney the words catch in his throat as he shakes with fear; he'd thought he escaped this old nightmare.

"Yes." Alex caresses Rodney's face, "You're my little cum-rag. And I'm going to use you now because that's all you're good for."

Straddling Rodney's neck, Alex smacks him in the face with his hard dick, "Now suck me."

He shoves his cock roughly down Rodney's throat causing him to gag.

 _'How is this happening?'_ It will hurt more if he fights back; Rodney knows this.

He tries to suck the way Alex wants him to. Alex holds his face down and thrusts into it savagely. Rodney's throat is raw and burning, struggling to breathe.

How? How did he get back here… to this place where Alex is humiliating him sexually?

Alex finally releases his hold and pulls out of Rodney's mouth. He grabs Rodney's face and smashes his lips together, "You are so inadequate in every way. You can't even get me off with your mouth."

"S-sorry." Rodney trembles.

"You're sorry!" Alex digs his nails into the side of Rodney's face, "You disgust me… I'm going to have to be rough with you now and it's your fault."

Rodney flinches and hates himself for being so weak, for not even trying to fight back. But knowing what Alex is capable of terrifies him. Alex is so much stronger and the things he did to Rodney in the past when he showed even the slightest resistance were so brutal.

"Just look at you, you're so pathetic." Alex hisses, "Everything about you is just begging to get fucked, to be used up." He twists Rodney's nipple painfully.

Trying not to seem as pathetic, Rodney submits in silence. Alex suddenly pulls Rodney's legs apart and shoves himself inside with a single rough thrust. Though the cum left behind by John has added some lubrication, he is still sore from taking John's huge cock and Rodney cries out in pain. _'Where did John go?'_

Rodney whimpers and gets slapped again, "I told you to shut up."

It hurts, but Rodney bites his lip to hold back the tears.

Alex leers over him, taunting him as he pumps inside, "That's right… Feel my cock inside you… taking your worthless ass. You're nothing… Good for nothing… little cum rag. You like that? You do. I can tell. You like to be used."

Rodney knows Alex is trying to hurt him by the way he is pounding into him, trying to make Rodney cry. His body is wracked with pain but Rodney isn't going to give him the satisfaction. He bites down harder on his lower lip.

The physical and verbal assault seem to go on forever. Alex knows how to make it last, how to break Rodney down until he is nothing, until he feels like dying.

In his mind, Rodney is back in the apartment he and Alex used to share together, trapped, worthless, disgusting. Oh God. He doesn't think he can take it anymore; there is that horrible, unbearable crawling sensation that makes Rodney want to claw his way out of his own skin.

Even John thinks he is pathetic and disgusting. The one person Rodney thought … Oh God. He really does want to die now. He can't take it anymore, he's going to break down and start crying like the pathetic worthless baby Alex says he is.

"Such a stupid little cum rag…" Alex grunts, "I'm gonna make you take my cum."

That's what Alex always used to say when he was about to climax. _'Oh God, thank God, it's almost over.'_

"Yeah, yeah," Alex speeds up, pumping viciously in and out of Rodney's ass. "Oh, yeah, Gahhhhhhhhhhhh."

As the cock inside him swells, the humiliation is complete. Alex rips his dick out of Rodney's ass quickly and he yelps in pain.

Usually Rodney has to keep his legs open, until Alex gives him permission to close them. At least, that's how it was in the end.

So Rodney stays on his back silently, with his legs spread. He feels the cool drip of cum as it starts to leaks out of his sore and battered ass. And then, despite his best efforts, Rodney feels the tears starting to drip down his cheeks again.

"Don't cry," Alex stands over him, "you're so ugly and pathetic when you cry."

"I-I know…" Rodney's lip quivers, "Sorry."

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Something cold pulls out of his head, it hurts and Rodney falls forward to the ground.

He is in a cell. Ronon, Teyla, and Elizabeth are on the floor with him. Rodney remembers where he is. They were all imprisoned by these people. Rodney sees their leader, Oberoth, literally pull his hand from inside John's head.

No, they aren't people. As far as Rodney knows, only nanite-based life forms are capable of melding with flesh and creating a false reality like this. In the Milky Way they called these kind of machines Replicators.

Rodney blinks at John with a mixture of anger and confusion as he watches John shudder, falling back to the floor of the cell with the rest of them, "What the hell just happened?" John shouts to the retreating figures. "Who the hell are you people?"

"They're not people, they're machines." Rodney answers darkly. "Replicators."

Elizabeth sits up on the floor holding her temples in her hands, "My head is killing me."

John is confused that they are still in a holding cell, saying he remembers a lot of time passing, breaking free and returning to Atlantis.

"That is not what I remember." Teyla shakes her head.

Ronan frowns, "The only thing I remember is being in a dark room, fighting hand to hand for hours."

"Well, they obviously created different scenarios for each of us during the mind probe, no doubt looking to gather information from our responses." Rodney surmises bitterly.

"I thought our escape seemed too easy." John admits.

"At least you escaped." When Rodney looks at him, his chest gets tight with pain feeling so worthless and humiliated.

John looks up at him sharply as if he noticed the edge in Rodney's voice, "What'd they do to you?"

"Um, torture," Rodney shudders looking away, thankful John can't see into his mind right now, "in ways too hideous… and um, intimate to recount."

Ronan sounds concerned, "Like what?"

"I said too hideous to recount." Rodney spits the words with out a hostile wince.

In the beginning, Alex hadn't been that way. He had wooed Rodney and said he really loved him. But then he had turned little by little, until he expressed nothing but contempt for Rodney.

And Rodney had stayed until the end. His self-esteem was so low, he didn't believe he deserved better. Not that it had been good to begin with, but it had taken a fatal hit after Alex. Rodney knows he doesn't really deserve anything better. That's why he had decided to stop dating completely… but 6 months later he met John, and was seduced into letting himself be used again. Maybe Alex is right, maybe he likes to be hurt.

His mind returns to the present situation. The rest of the team is debating whether they can even trust if what they are seeing is real, if they are still in some kind of altered reality.

Rodney's stomach knots in anger, wanting to lash out at someone. No, not someone –John; seizing on the opportunity, he predicates himself as he walks over to where John is sitting "There's got to be a way to know for sure."

His heart beats in helpless rage, replaying the events of the mind probe, the things John said and did to him, over and over in his head. Wanting to scream and punch, all he manages to do is aggressively push out his fingers and jut them sharply into the side of John's head.

John's head snaps up at the sudden pain and he gives Rodney's leg an irritated slap in response.

Wanting to hit John harder, Rodney forces himself to walk away instead, "Doesn't really prove anything." he mutters.

One of the Replicators reenters the cell, "It's real Dr. McKay. Your minds are no longer being probed."

"At least we know it was just our minds." John quips.

"Oh." Rodney's stomach clenches again thinking about what just happened to him, "Please don't make me sick."

The Replicator goes on to try to convince them that there is small faction of his kind that don't agree with Oberoth's plan to destroy Atlantis, the city of the Ancestors that once created these machines. Some of the machines want to achieve Ascension instead; but when the Ancients created them as an experiment to destroy the Wraith, they wrote violence and aggression into their basecode. For some reason this Replicator thinks Rodney has ability to change that for them.

"Me?" Rodney scoffs to hide his roiling emotions.

"During our probe of your mind, we learned that you are capable of doing this." It explains.

"Oh, that's funny." Rodney's face winces again in anger, "All I remember is the torture."

But when the Replicator leaves, Elizabeth decides that having Rodney attempt this offers them their best means of escape and the possibility of saving Atlantis from destruction.

After being given access to their computers, Rodney distracts himself from his mental anguish by focusing on the code; it is elegant, amazingly intricate. When Rodney is doing math everything else seems to float away. The intrusion of painful past memories, the 'rape' that feels like it really just happened, all the things he has tried to keep buried for so long -the despair and self-hatred. As depressing and petty as it seems, he at least finds refuge in mentally congratulating himself on his superiority; he alone has the mental genius to be able to decipher an alien code so complex.

When he returns to the room where the rebel Replicator is now keeping them, he is able to present an almost cheerful façade as he brags about it to the others. Not only has he altered the base code for aggression, but with a little more work he thinks he could trigger a kind of update that could freeze the machines for a short time.

But John manages to get under Rodney's skin again by complaining that he can't give them an accurate enough window of time for how long the machines could be kept frozen. God, Rodney can barely stand to look at John right now. He finds his temper escalating, getting into a full blown argument with him until Elizabeth has to break it up by shouting over them.

After the tension has died down, Elizabeth decides Rodney has to at least try this 'freeze code' since it is the only way they might be able to escape. As if that isn't enough, without any appreciation of the monumental task Rodney has already accomplished, all eyes turn to him as the team speculates on how they could also blow up this ship, which is on its way to destroy Atlantis.

"How do we do that?" Elizabeth asks Rodney directly.

"Oh." Rodney's temper flares again "That's me. Right. Surprise, surprise." Making a face of condescension he snipes, "Look, why don't I just go on these missions by myself, hmm?"

And then he is distracted from his emotions again as the solution comes to him; snapping his fingers, he speaks distractedly as he rushes back out of the room, "I'll rig a ZPM overload."


	39. Shoulda known it was too good to be true

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Rodney tries to keep himself from hyperventilating, his hands shaking as he works on the 'freeze code'; it's just so hard when John keeps hovering nearby, leaning over him, watching everything he is doing and constantly interrupting as Rodney types into his remote tablet.

It's normal for John to intrude into his personal space like this but right now Rodney can't stand it. He wants to scream at him for everything that happened, hurt John the way he hurt Rodney even if it didn't happen… but it did, at least for Rodney. He just needs John to go away.

Painfully aware of John's presence behind him, Rodney tries to calm himself mentally, to stop the jittery feeling that he is being violated all over again. Flashes of John's cruel face and memories of Alex keep intruding into his thoughts. God, if John would just leave him alone.

But Rodney barely trusts himself to speak right now, worried he might break down and start crying. And he can't let anyone know how vulnerable he is –least of all John. Other than Carson, he's never told anyone about what happened with Alex and he never will. The shame and degradation is just too much to bear.

"Are you sure this'll work?" John's voice startles him as he leans closer over Rodney's shoulder.

Making a face to mimic his typical annoyance and banter, Rodney tries to quell the full blown panic attack he feels rising in his chest.

"Please" when Rodney hears his own voice, it sounds too much like he is begging, begging John to stop hurting him. God, he's so pathetic.

But John doesn't seem to notice the fragility under the surface and Rodney assures himself no one knows. No one will ever know about the fucked up mess in his head.

He answers with a tense and short, "Of course it will work."

"Why is it taking so long?" John continues leaning over him.

Why do you always have to-" Rodney feels an irrational fear that John is going to attack him. Before he can say anything too pathetic, he stops himself. _Please, please. Just leave me alone._

Rodney flinches and tries to speak again with the acerbic condescension he uses to hide his insecurities, "Look, I need to properly calibrate the frequencies. I wanna make sure that when I freeze them, I freeze them all, okay?"

"All would be good." John answers flippantly.

 _Why does John have to keep standing so close to him_. "Okay, will you just let me finish?" Rodney is never going to be able to concentrate with John standing there like that.

Finally, John leans back up and walks away.

"Thank you." Rodney's chest uncoils and he feels himself relaxing enough to return his focus to the code.

Finishing up, he starts to move to find John and tell him he is finished. Jumping in his skin, he realizes that John has been crouching over his other shoulder this whole time.

He knows it shouldn't, it normally wouldn't… but it unnerves him, John is always close and it has never bothered him before, not like this. He knows it wasn't real but right now he is freaking out about how John fucked with him and made him feel so worthless and afraid.

After the 'freeze code' is activated, the team takes their helper with them and escapes the ship before it explodes. As they make their way back to Atlantis on a Jumper, the machine begins to act strangely. He says the others on his home planet have discovered what he has done and he is being reset. Then suddenly he begins to choke Elizabeth; they manage to remove him from her and throw him into space, out of the back of the Jumper. But by the time they reach Atlantis, Elizabeth is unconscious.

Once they get her back to medical, they find she has been infected with nanites. It takes some doing to deactivate the tiny computer chips as they replicate themselves inside her body, but eventually she makes a full recovery.

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* * *

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.

John has noticed that Rodney has been acting strangely lately. Not so much at work, but other times he seems so jumpy and nervous… It seems like he is avoiding John. He never wants to hang out anymore. And John is pretty sure he didn't do anything to push Rodney away…

He thought they were past this, but the way Rodney looks at him lately makes John doubt himself. Late one night, John spies Rodney walking around a corner and heads after him.

Taking long, fast strides to catch up, he reaches out to touch Rodney's shoulder, "Hey."

"Oh." Rodney flinches, taking a sharp breath. "Don't. Do that."

John pulls his hand back.

Rodney is still standing with his back to him, tense, shoulders hunched.

As he gingerly walks around to face him, he sees Rodney's eyes are clenched shut. They pop open suddenly, and Rodney looks terrified, gripping the sides of his laptop so fiercely his knuckles are white.

"Sorry." John says in a low voice.

Rodney narrows his eyes.

"I am." John lifts his hands innocently, "I'm really sorry."

The way Rodney is looking at him now, it seems like he is really angry about something.

"Uh, so," John furrows his brows, "I've been getting the feeling lately that I…"

Rodney's glare deepens.

"Did I do something, Rodney?"

Looking sad now, Rodney's blue eyes get wide and his face falters. John wants to reach out and touch his arm to reassure him, but Rodney just said not to touch him.

"What did I do?" John asks softly.

"Nothing you did." Closing his eyes like he is shutting out a painful memory, Rodney shakes his head. He lifts his hand to hold the bridge of his nose.

"No?" John asks again.

"I, I, just need some time…" Rodney keeps his face obscured. His reply sounds strained, "I just need to be alone for a while."

John feels defeated, he wishes Rodney would tell him what's going on. Rodney seems to have no problem hanging out with Carson. So maybe it isn't so much time alone as it is time away from John. Which leads him back to the original question. What did he do and why isn't Rodney going to tell him?

"Okay." John exhales, "If that's what you want… Um, I'm here though, if you need me."

Keeping his face lowered into his hands, Rodney simply nods.

Okay. He should probably leave Rodney alone now. Feeling confused and sad, John walks back, departing the way he came.

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* * *

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.

"You did what?"

"It's not as bad as it sounds Carson, or maybe it is… I don't know. The point is, I've been less careful than I should have been."

"It's your own bloody fault for taking the serum, what did you think was going to happen?"

"He just came into my room, and was insistent that I needed a massage-"

"Just how far did this massage go?" Carson looks at Rodney with suspicion.

"Back only." Rodney insists, "Nothing else happened, well mostly nothing. It could have happened… he was getting…but I told him to go before it too…

I felt so guilty about it; I seriously thought he was going to kick me off the team or something. But then a couple days later, after he'd been given the antidote, he demands that I give HIM a massage -so we can be even."

Carson shakes his head in disbelief, "Whatever the two of you are doing can't be healthy."

"Not that it matters, but I gave him a really great massage … and the weird thing is, everything went back to normal… But now I have a real problem. One that I swear is not my fault, so please don't judge me…"

"I wouldn't judge you, Rodney." Carson looks at him compassionately.

"That's good Carson," Rodney lowers his eyes, "cause I really don't think I could handle that… I mean, I'm really fucked up right now."

"Okay." Carson sits down and gives Rodney his undivided attention, "I'm your friend Rodney, you can talk to me about anything you need to."

Hugging his arms to his chest, Rodney takes in shallow breaths. These demons from his past have come back. The recent violent memories, or whatever they are, have made the wounds fresh.

Rodney lowers his voice to a whisper, even though they are alone, "It was the mind probe, the one the Replicators gave me…

They tortured me… in the most intimate and cruel ways imaginable. Stuff with Alex" Rodney lets out a stuttered sigh, "I been trying to let go of it but I can't. I'm constantly afraid now, it's all just as fresh… like it's happening to me all over again."

"Rodney," Carson looks concerned, "maybe you should talk to-"

"No! I'm not talking to that bitch Heightmeyer… I can't tell anyone else about this."

Shaking a bit, Rodney stares at Carson starkly, "No one can ever know about Alex. No one."

"Okay, Rodney." Carson's voice is soothing.

"It was Alex… But it started off as John. He, he, told me everything I wanted to hear. Said he loved me… It seemed so wonderful…

Uhh, I should have known it was too good to be true. But it was everything I've ever wanted… until…afterwards…

He started laughing at me, telling me he was just seeing if I was pathetic enough to fall for it… I, ah, couldn't believe that he would purposely try to hurt me, even though he doesn't love me. I know it wasn't real -but it was. In my mind at least. He told me I was disgusting, that no one would ever love someone like me… "

"Things Alex used to say to you." Carson speaks softly.

"Yeah," Rodney frowns, "but it was John saying it… Well, until it wasn't, until, Alex was there. And the, the rape kept going… for hours it seemed.

I thought I would be over this by now. It's been over 3 years since things ended with Alex… but now it feels like yesterday. Carson, I'm losing it. I can't close my eyes without hearing them, seeing them both."

"Well," Carson looks at Rodney with sympathy, "I can give you something to help you sleep... The rest just may take some time."

"As if going through it the first time wasn't enough…" Rodney makes a bitter frown, "I just don't know how to face John now. I feel, I feel… like it really happened."

Carson nods.

"I just want to be able to face him." Rodney looks around the room nervously, "I want things to go back to normal."

"Normal?" Carson lifts his brows.

"Or whatever normal means when it comes to us. I mean, I know there is no us , I just meant-"

"I know what you meant." Carson interrupts, "Just be patient. Give yourself whatever time you need to recover from this scarring experience. Because Rodney, this sounds like a horrifically scarring experience, anyone would be traumatized by this… I wish you would talk to Heightmeyer-"

"Carson, no." Rodney lifts his hand, "I've tried that before... No."

With some help from Carson's sleep aids and anti-anxiety medication, the ugly images start to fade a bit. But he still is plagued by deep insecurities, he feels so pathetic and disgusting. So afraid that everyone can see through him, that they see him the same way.

As the weeks go by, Rodney makes an effort to spend a little time with John again. Playing their game together, it almost seems things are getting back to normal. Whatever normal is when it comes to John.

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	40. The lessor model of Meredith McKay

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Rodney grits his teeth in annoyance, reminding himself that the only reason he is doing this is for Sam. For some reason Sam seems to think the math proof Jeanie wrote in her spare time might hold the answers to making a working bridge between parallel realities –even though Rodney knows he would have figured it out on his own eventually.

What Sam couldn't know, what no one will ever know, is that Alex is the real reason he hasn't spoken to his sister in so long. Though Rodney never really had any friends to lose… and his relationship with his sister had already become strained, Alex had kept Rodney as isolated as possible, flying into violent rages whenever Rodney did something without his permission.

Trying to push past the obvious hostility Jeanie has shown him since he arrived unannounced at her home in Vancouver, he stays focused on convincing her to sign the non-disclosure agreement. Once she sees what the SGC has been working on, he's sure her curiosity will get the better of her and she'll stop being so angry at him over the past.

But Jeanie stay stubborn, getting indignant when she finds out Rodney is working for the 'military industrial complex'.

"Here we go." Rodney rolls his eyes, bracing himself for one of her hippy rants.

"Did you know that 1/5 of our genes, the very building blocks of our being, have been patented by major pharmaceutical corporations? 1/5! If there's any benefit at all to what I've written, it's that it'll spark an idea in someone else."

Rodney lifts a finger to interject, but Jeanie keeps going.

"I am not gonna sign away my rights, least of all to the U.S. military."

He lifts his finger again, "But it has sparked an idea in someone, a big one!"

"Like what?" Jeanie asks suspiciously.

"Ah," Rodney pulls back, "No, can't tell you. Not until you sign the agreement."

Jeanie is sing-song, "I'm not signing the agreement 'til you tell me."

"Is everything okay?" Jeanie's husband walks up with a little girl in his arms. Rodney supposes that is his niece. He tries to remember their names.

"Look who showed up." Jeannie points at Rodney sarcastically.

"Hey." Rodney guiltily lifts a hand. He should have tried to reach out to Jeanie sooner, once things with Alex were over. But Alex's voice is in his head, still convincing him that no one cares if Rodney lives or dies. It's easier to remain buried in his research instead…

The husband looks confused and Jeanie explains, "It's my… brother."

"Oh! Right. Hey." He sets the girl down.

The little girl runs up to Rodney and hugs his legs, "Hi."

"Ah…" Rodney has no idea what to say to the child, "Hello little one." He says awkwardly.

"Did you bring me a present?" She asks.

"Madison!" Jeanie laughs and pulls her daughter back.

"What? No." Rodney looks up in confusion, "I didn't know that was a rule."

"It is!" Madison insists.

Much to Jeanie's ire, the husband… -Rodney remembers his name now- Kaleb, invites him to stay for dinner. And so he finds himself choking down some of the vegan cardboard they seem to think is food, trying to stay on his best behavior.

After dinner, he is alone again with Jeanie and feigns interest in her domestic matters to smooth the tension between them. But soon they are embroiled in an old argument, the one Jeanie thinks is the reason they stopped talking in the first place -her choice to start a family and withdraw from academia.

For Rodney, it is less humiliating to let her think that was why he stopped calling. No one can ever know what happened with Alex, it's just too… Rodney shudders and tries to steer the conversation back to what is important, explaining that all of this is bigger than she can imagine, that she could easily set aside her family responsibilities for a couple of months.

"Okay, we've had this conversation before." Jeanie gets angry again, "Ah, you belittle my choices, I get furious at you, and we don't talk for 4 years. I'm not all that anxious to do that again."

Neither he or Jeanie were very close with their parents when they were alive; the pair had been distant with their children and with each other. But the one thread that connected the family members was a love of physics and academic excellence.

"This is not what Dad would have wanted." Rodney argues. "No, he would have wanted us working together, side by side, toppling problems and sharing credit."

"Oh, you, ah, share credit now, do you?" Jeanie smirks.

As the argument escalates, Rodney decides he has no choice but to go with plan B, he takes ahold of his sister's hand and has Sam activate his locater beacon. The two of them beam aboard the Daedalus and he and Sam explain to her that she has just been teleported aboard an interstellar vessel. Jeanie remains doubtful until Rodney turns her around to see the view of Earth below.

As Sam begins to explain the Stargate program, Jeanie gapes wide-eyed at the view of their planet from space.

"What have you gotten yourself involved in here, Meredith?" Jeanie is incredulous.

Rodney groans when she says his first name out loud.

"Meredith?" Sam questions.

"It's a long story." He says, hoping Jeanie will drop it at that.

"It's his name." Jeanie tells Sam.

"Your name is Meredith McKay?" Sam smiles in amusement.

Lowering his head in shame, he explains, "It's Meredith Rodney McKay, yes, but I prefer to go by Rodney. Look, can we just stick to the point here? Look at the window. Much more interesting than my name."

But Sam won't let it go, "Your name is Meredith?!"

As Jeanie marvels over the fact she is inside an actual spaceship, Rodney takes full advantage of the opportunity to shift the focus away from his embarrassing first name. He and Sam explain that her equations could help save Earth from alien creatures that want to destroy them.

"Look," Rodney pleads, "the work we could do is important, Jeanie. It's not just to you or me, to every living being down there, that includes Madison and, um…"

"Kaleb." Jeanie finishes the forgotten name for him.

"Kaleb, yes." Rodney tries to sound as if he was just about the say it himself.

"We can't do this without you." Sam tells her.

"Well," Rodney adds, "let's not go overboard. I mean, she'd be an asset-"

"McKay." Sam cuts him off, turning to his sister and entreating her more politely.

Jeanie finally agrees to join Rodney on the Daedalus return trip, and Rodney is saddened to hear that Sam, Lieutenant Colonel Siren will not be accompanying them back to Pegasus. Much to his chagrin, before saying their goodbyes, Sam manages to pass along the information that Rodney previously destroyed a solar system attempting to make these equations work.

Jeanie taunts him the whole trip back to Atlantis, saying she solved Rodney's 'work problem' in her spare time.

Yeah, whatever, the solar system was uninhabited. And trying to secure limitless power from a parallel dimension isn't as easy as it sounds. Especially when spending so much time in the field facing death at every turn. Jeanie has no idea what his job is like.

The two of them spend their weeks of travel on the Daedalus perfecting the calculations. Rodney forwards the specs to Zelenka, so any changes that need to be made to the containment chamber will be ready by the time they arrive.

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* * *

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John walks down the staircase with Elizabeth to greet Rodney and Jeanie as they beam down.

"Has he talked about his sister with you?" Elizabeth asks.

"Once or twice in passing." John admits, "Usually like, 'Come on, even my sister can do it!' You know, that type of thing."

With a flash of light, Rodney and his sister appear in front of them. A more petite female version of Rodney exclaims, "Holy cow! That can't be good for you."

"Nothing to worry about. I've done it dozens of times." He reaches his hand forward, "John Sheppard."

Rodney glares at him, "Yeah. She's married, and she's my sister."

"I'm just saying hi." John releases the handshake wondering once again why the hell Rodney has been so hostile to him lately.

"Yeah, no, I know exactly what you're doing. I've seen that look before, Kirk." Rodney makes a face of disgust.

A little hurt by the accusation, John steps back to make sure Rodney won't take anything he does the wrong way. He tells himself maybe Rodney is just very protective when it comes to his sister but he knows it is more than that. Lately, Rodney's temper seems to boil over at the slightest thing and the two of them barely see each other outside work. Well, aside from playing the game here and there. But Rodney's snipes and jabs have taken on a new edge as if he is secretly furious about something.

Elizabeth introduces herself to Jeanie.

"Thank you, Mere's told so me much about you." Jeanie gushes.

"All good I-" John smiles in confusion, "…Did you just call him Mere?"

.

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* * *

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Rodney speaks up before Jeanie can answer, "It's a pet name -Where are we?"

Ushering them quickly to the lab, Rodney checks all the levels and announces that they are ready to initiate power up. Jeanie runs over to the console and asks if he wants to turn it on together.

"Why would we do that?" Rodney answers as if he isn't really listening.

"Because it's both of our work." Jeanie prompts.

"Yeah," Rodney points to the board, "but there's only room on the button for one finger, so…"

"Well, then can I do it?" Jeanie asks.

"Yeah," Rodney argues, "but I'm right here, so…"

"He likes to push the button." Zelenka explains apologetically.

"Fine. Go." Jeanie gives in.

"Powering up to 5%" Rodney announces, "Containment field is holding, Power generation is steady."

Elizabeth questions what to do next. When Jeanie answers, Rodney is dismissive, telling her she wasn't the one being asked.

Jeanie takes offense and loses her patience with him. "'Shared credit, huh?' 'We'll do this together?' 'Dad would be so proud'."

"This is not the time or the place." Rodney tells her in exasperation.

"Fine." Jeanie moves to leave, "I'm going to my quarters."

"Yes, well, Good night." Rodney tries to sound cheerful, "Thank you!"

Once he is sure everything is running smoothly with the experiment, Rodney heads to the sanctuary of his own quarters for a while. After unwinding for a bit, he decides to get something to eat in the cafeteria. As he approaches, he hears the sound of John's rollicking laughter and Ronon's deep belly laughs carry through the room.

His stomach drops a little when he sees Jeanie sitting with his team. They all look like such good friends and something tells him the joke is at his expense. Everyone at the table starts laughing even harder as he walks up.

"What is this?" Rodney asks.

"Hey, Meredith!" John makes a face.

"Oh. Wonderful." Rodney's stomach burns in embarrassment.

Teyla busts into a peel of laughter and Jeanie tells Rodney, "John here was kind enough to show me around, offer me a warm meal, and, ah, introduce me to some of your friends."

Shifting his weight uncomfortably, he asks his sister, "What have you told them?"

"We weren't talking about you." John shrugs playfully.

For moment Rodney lets himself believe it, "Oh you weren't?"

"Uh, no," Teyla jumps in, "We were discussing many things."

"Now…" John begins and Rodney knows from the tone of his voice that he is being mocked, "When the issue of bedwetting happened to come up…"

Everyone at the table is sniggering now. "She may have mentioned something about your childhood." John concludes.

 _That happened one time._ Rodney is shocked. _Why would Jeanie?…_ He protests, "That is not true!"

"Relax," Ronon tells him, "we all have embarrassing childhood stories."

"Of course we do." John looks smug.

Ronon continues, "There was one time the school bullies made me eat my lunch with my underwear on my head."

"Oh!" For a moment Rodney feels less pathetic, he can't believe Ronon suffered from bulling too.

But that moment quickly passes when Ronon points a finger a Rodney, "Oh, wait that was you."

Everybody is laughing at him again, including John, and Rodney feels hurt and small. This doesn't seem right, this must be some kind of bad dream, but Rodney knows it is all too real. All the demons from his past are catching up to him.

"Oh, hardy-har-har-." He turns to Jeanie sadly, "And this is revenge for what, exactly?"

"You don't even know, do you?" Jeanie shakes her head.

Rodney feels sick to his stomach. He was already hanging on the edge of sanity, after everything that happened when the Replicators probed his mind and raped him. The last thing he needs right now is everyone mocking and laughing at him, making him feel weak and pathetic.

Fortunately, the humiliation is put on hold when they get a call over the intercom to come to the lab's isolation room. Upon arrival, Rodney is stunned to find a duplicate of himself. Apparently 'he' appeared in the containment chamber in some sort of force field, claiming to be from a parallel universe.

As he and Jeanie head into the room to speak with him, Rodney notes that his double looks like a cooler, more laid back version of himself, leather jacket and all.

"Wow, now I figured YOU'D be here, but Jeanie?" The man smiles at them, I always hoped we'd work together in Atlantis."

"This is a first." Jeanie says in awe.

"For me too." Rodney echoes in shock.

" Have a seat." Leather Rodney is more assertive, "Now, I assume you go by…"

"Rodney."

"Ah, Rod."

"I could never get anyone to call me that." Rodney puzzles out loud but neither of them seem to be listening.

Positioning himself comfortably on the chair, Rod slings an arm behind himself and a masculine leg over his knee.

Rodney faces his double with both feet on the ground, his hands in his lap, trying to regain some of his lost composure.

Rod explains to them that he is here because dangerous exotic particles are being created on his side of the parallel bridge; creating a tear in the fabric of his universe.

"Ah, first a solar system, now a universe." Jeanie leans over, accusing Rodney.

"Yes," He ignores her, "how exactly did you get here?

Rod explains that after detecting the anomaly, he and Sheppard came up with a plan. They devised a way to beam someone through, and used an Ancient personal force field device to protect the traveler.

"I depleted ours." Rodney notes glumly.

"Still, it was an incredible risk." Jeanie sounds impressed.

"Well, it was Sheppard's idea." Rod chuckles. "We decided it might allow one of us to cross the bridge you created and bring the problem to your attention. There was very little time and, well, there seemed to be no other way. We drew straws."

"You lost." Rodney points at Rod.

"No, I won! What, the prospect of saving an entire universe? No. It was a no brainer."

Feeling deeply inadequate, Rodney mumbles, "Oh, sure."

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* * *

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Now that the experiment has been shut down, John decides to entertain their guest. Rod claims to be good at golf so John takes him out to his homemade driving range. As they take turns swinging, John has to admit the guy's not bad; it's nice to have someone else around who actually enjoys the sport.

John wonders if Sheppard and Rod are as close as he and Rodney have become. Or at least as close as they used to be… before whatever happened that made Rodney so angry at him. He is more than a little shocked to hear Rod's description of Sheppard as an active member of the Atlantis Mensa club who seems to use every opportunity to remind others of his high IQ.

"Trust me." Rod laughs, "My Sheppard makes your Rodney seem, ah… modest in comparison."

Missing the times when Rodney would let his guard down and be more genuine, John knows firsthand how difficult it can be to get to know someone who is constantly using their intellect to overcompensate for their insecurities. These days, that seems to be the only side of Rodney that John gets to see. Still, John wonders if he and McKay ever… Well, if the two of them in this other universe are friends, or maybe even something more.

Joking, John tells Rod that he and Rodney are quite different too, "It's the little things." John gestures with his club, "You like golf, you say 'please' and 'thank you', you're, um… What's the opposite of condescending?"

Laughing, Rod steps closer and leans in with his hands around Sheppard, offering to help him with his stance.

John raises his eyebrows at this assertive McKay. "So… despite your differences… the two of you ever-" John stops unsure of what to ask exactly.

When he feels Rod's body tense up behind him, John thinks he might know the answer.

Letting go of his grip around John's arm, Rod steps back, "I wouldn't have thought… Really? You and Rodney?"

"No! God, no!" John realizes he has given away too much as he feels a hot flush rise to his face, "I mean… What are YOU talking about-? I was just wondering if you two were ever friends or if you guys are just, you know, if you can even stand working together?"

Furrowing his brow John practices his swing, staring out at the waves and kicking himself for being so careless. It's not like Rod is going to know why Rodney can barely seem to stand him anymore and John tries to convince himself that he doesn't really care. He and Rodney compete, they trade insults, it's what they do. And once in a while, they admit they actually ARE friends… or at least they used to be.

Rod steps around the side and looks at John curiously, "We've had our rough patches, but we work pretty well together. Or are you trying to ask about our professional relationship?"

John clears his throat and then glances at Rod because he is too curious not to ask, "What do you mean, professional…? You have another kind of… relationship?"

"Maybe some things aren't so different after all." Rod gives a knowing smile and shakes his head, "My Sheppard is pretty uptight about everything with the military and all. Well, he's pretty uptight about everything. I don't know what we are to each other exactly, just that we're something more than I think either of us expected."

"Oh. Okay, yeah, um… I didn't mean to get into all that." Or maybe he did, why ask if he didn't want to know? John's throat clenches and his face burns red as he tightens his grip on his golf club and stares down, "I guess the military tends to make you uptight about certain things."

Sighing, John lifts his gaze and admits, "We used to be closer than we are now- as friends-" he interjects perhaps a little too forcefully, "We've had our rough patches… usually we just play around, make fun of each other, and it all works itself out… but…"

"But?" Rod prompts.

"I've tried to ask him what's really going on…" John makes a face, "that just seems to make it worse."

"Hmmm, if he and I were more alike maybe I'd be able to give you better advice on Rodney," Rod pauses, "but when it comes to my Sheppard, I've learned not to push him, he just gets more secretive and withdrawn if I don't give him the space to come around on his own."

John presses his lips together wondering if that's what Rodney has had to deal with in the past. He hates this feeling, that there is something broken between the two of them now. But it's better if he can act like it doesn't bother him, give Rodney… space… or whatever.

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* * *

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Rodney walks into the cafeteria for breakfast and again it seems like a bad scene from a nightmare. Everyone is gathered around laughing, no doubt about him. Only this time they are all focused on Rod, the better Rodney… The one that they all like.

John's hearty laugh can be heard above the others as Rodney makes his way to the table. His stomach tightens wondering what fresh humiliation today will bring.

"What the hell is this?"

"Hey, sleepyhead!" John smiles.

"Yeah. Hi." Rodney mutters angrily.

Rod explains through his laughter, "I had a breakfast date with Jeanie. I guess it just kind of ballooned into a group affair. Look, sit down. We're tracing back our lives, trying to find the little differences between out pasts."

He narrows his eyes at his confident double. Rodney would be willing to bet that Rod never dated Alex… He tries not to say anything as he secretly fumes, listening to Teyla talk about Rod being an honorary member of the Athosian Council, Jeanie proudly exclaiming that Rod is godfather to Jeanie's kids.

 _Seems like 'Rod' has had the perfect fucking life._ Rodney bristles, "Yes, well how wonderful for him."

"Well, it's easier for me." Rod explains, "Our Earth has a ZPM too, so it makes the back and forth a lot simpler."

 _Right, all it would take is another ZPM, and suddenly everyone would like him._ Rodney knows it goes deeper than that; it's like Alex said, he's completely unlovable, everyone despises him. He tries to conceal how left out and alone he feels and fortunately the conversation is cut short when Zelenka calls both McKays to the containment chamber.

Before they leave, Rodney can't help but notice the special fist-bump Rod gives Ronon as they talk about sparring later. As they head back to the containment room, Rodney feels sickened listening to the sound of Jeanie and Rod laughing behind him. He thinks he hates Rod more than he has ever hated anyone.

Back in the lab, they find Zelenka has had to turn the machine back on to stave off a catastrophic overload, like the one they had on Doranda. As they all get back to work trying to find a solution, Rod seems to be directing everyone.

Taking a drive that Rod has ordered him to run some tests on, Rodney slinks over to Jeanie, "What were you doing having breakfast with him?" he asks in a low voice.

"I don't often meet people from another universe. I found myself curiously interested."

"Yeah, well, I don't want you hanging around with him anymore." Rodney instructs in his most authoritative voice.

"What?" Jeanie scoffs.

Rodney peers at his imposter, "Look, I am your _real_ brother."

"It what sense?" Jeanie asks dubiously.

"Oh, what is that supposed to mean?" Rodney glares.

She eyes him skeptically, "You haven't been a brother to me since I quit school."

Rodney tries to calm himself down, he can talk about this without mentioning Alex. Jeanie's referring to one of the last arguments they had, the last time they spoke. Alex had been listening nearby, making sure Rodney sounded upset enough that Jeanie wouldn't question things when he cut off communication completely. "You were making an incredible mistake." Rodney parrots what he said that day, which was true –she was. "I was just trying to-"

Jeanie talks over him, "You were trying to control my life, Mere. I –I disagreed with you. I still do. And what, because of that you stop being my brother?"

"I never stopped being your brother!" Rodney tries to sound indignant but in his heart he knows it is a feeble excuse.

"We haven't talked in 4 years."

"Don't put that all on me." Rodney tries to deflect, after all, she hadn't called him back either.

"It is all on you." Jeanie shrugs, "I had no way of getting in touch with you."

"I was doing top-secret research in another galaxy!"

"You could have sent me a message. You know, call me on my birthday, at Christmas, once a year, that's all I would have needed. Just a, 'Hi. How are you? Are you happy? Are you okay?' That would have been enough, but you couldn't even do that. No, no, I was wrong and you were right, so, what, I was not worth talking to?"

"It wasn't like that at all." Rodney flounders, feeling guilty and utterly worthless.

It had nothing to do with Jeanie not being worth talking to, if anything it was his own self-worth. Things with Alex had been getting really bad. Rodney had stopped talking to everyone at that point. And once it was finally over, he was too ashamed to admit anything. It had been easier to stay alone. He can't tell Jeanie about Alex. He can't tell anyone. He knows he should have reached out after all of it was over… if he was any kind of brother worth having, he would have-

"You don't like that I've been talking to Rod because it makes you realize how bad a brother you've really been." Jeanie spits out.

"Hey," Rod calls out to them, "you guys got something over there?"

Jeanie looks at Rodney coldly, "No. We don't."

Rodney retreats from the lab feeling morose. He finds himself wandering to John's quarters even though the two of them aren't exactly close these days. It's infuriating that John keeps calling him Meredith, but Rodney literally has no one else to turn to.

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* * *

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When Rodney bursts into John's room, he finds himself hoping that maybe they are going to have a real conversation. But Rodney just wants to rant again about Rod and how much he hates him. Grimacing inwardly, John stays out of it, barely looking up as he polishes his golf clubs.

This time Rodney has added a wrinkle to his complaints that Rod is slowing down the research, he has a conspiracy theory that Rod has been lying to them all.

"What if the people on his Atlantis were sick of him messing up all the time, huh? So when it came time to send some stooge on a one-way ticket to another universe, there was only one guy they could do without."

At first John didn't really understand Rodney's irrational hatred of Rod, but as he has watched the way Jeanie is around him, he thinks he has an inkling as to what is really bothering Rodney.

"Say what you want," John says evenly, "I know what this is about."

"Oh, really." Rodney stops pacing for a moment, "Mr. Mensa in a parallel universe, what is this all about?"

John looks at him squarely, "You think Jeanie likes him more than you." he guesses.

"What?! That's crazy. That's… That's…" Rodney stops for a moment, "That's possibly true."

"Mmm." John makes a face thinking it is even probably more than the way Jeanie has taken to Rod. He knows how insecure Rodney is underneath all of his bluster, it has probably bruised his ego the way the whole team has taken to Rod. Not that Rodney would ever admit he was jealous.

John realizes Rodney has been talking again and he wasn't paying attention.

"Jeanie and I drifted apart. I mean, that happens. I mean, it wasn't done maliciously. Do I have regrets? Yes, of course I do, but who doesn't? I mean, you know, I'm not very good at saying I'm sorry or that I'm wrong, possibly because it happens so rarely."

"Mmm." Okay, John has to admit, this paranoid and grandiose rambling is the worst he has heard McKay sound in a while. He knows there is something deeper, something that started before Rodney made that trip back to Earth to see his sister.

"So, I didn't call or write, and when I realized that 4 years had gone by, it was just a…" Rodney stops again, "You're right. Of course, you're right. I mean she has every reason to hate me."

"I didn't say she hates you." John is shocked to hear Rodney speak like this, usually when he is hurt he gets more condescending, never self-deprecating.

"Well she should."

John continues to act detached when he hears Rodney say this, giving Rodney his space… or whatever… He mumbles little in reply, but his mind is reeling over the events of the last months, trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle, why Rodney has become so withdrawn and unhappy, so out of character that he would say his sister hates him. John can't find the answer but he thinks he has an idea that might just help with Jeanie, at least a little.

Rodney's monologue is cut short by Zelenka's voice over the intercom, "Dr. McKay to the containment chamber!" "Dr. McKay!"

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* * *

.

.

The exotic particle problem is spinning out of control much faster than anticipated. They have received a message from the other universe that they have no way of responding to. Rod's people have developed a means of shifting the particles back to this side of the bridge. If they can't figure out a solution in the next 6 hours, Rodney's universe is about to be swallowed out of existence.

Jeanie is the one who finally comes up with a possible solution to collapse the bridge with a massive burst of energy. But it would take almost everything they've got; the ZPM would be severely depleted.

Elizabeth sighs when she hears the plan, "So instead of creating a new powerful energy source, we'll be sacrificing the one we already have."

"Yes." Rodney agrees with resignation, "We'd still be able to dial Earth, but much less frequently of course. And let's just say I wouldn't wanna be around here if the Wraith show up."

"I don't see that we have a choice." John adds.

"All right." Elizabeth nods, "Do it."

Rod takes Rodney aside before they attempt the energy spike to tell him he'd like the Daedalus to beam him into the energy stream on the chance he might make it back to his own universe.

Frowning at his double in confusion, Rodney can't imagine why Rod would be willing to take such a risk, even with the personal force field there is no guarantee. Besides, his own sister, his team, everyone would rather have Rod than him.

"Everyone loves you here." He tells his double.

No one has ever felt that way about Rodney, he can only imagine what it would be like. He doesn't think he'd be willing to give it up so easily.

But Rod is intent on returning for some reason, he gets a faraway look in his eye as he explains that his place is back home; he slaps Rodney on the back, "Besides, they're not looking for another McKay around here. They already have one."

"It's just a lessor model, hmm?" Rodney replies glumly.

"I envy you." Rod admits, "You say exactly what's on your mind, no matter how it makes you look. I mean, I can only imagine the freedom you must have, not caring if people like you or not."

"Oh." Rodney looks away uncomfortably because no one at work has ever come out and said it so directly to him before; Alex said that he was the only one who would tell Rodney the truth about himself.

"People don't like me?" he asks in a voice that Alex would call pathetic.

 _Why the hell would Rod think he didn't care that people hate him?_

"Trust me." Rod assures him, "You've got it great here. Now I've made some calculations. When the readings reach the levels I've indicated, you'll know whether or not I've made it home."

Rod gives everyone a warm goodbye and hugs his sister; Jeanie complains to Rodney, "You're letting him do this?"

Not at all sorry to see this better version of himself leaving, Rodney sputters, "I tried to talk him out of it, but you know…Rod." As Rodney readies the chamber for power input, he steps aside and asks Jeanie, "You wanna press the button?"

She looks surprised and pleased, "Yeah, yeah. Sure."

Rodney watches as the energy reserves of the ZPM go down and the bridge begins to destabilize. The bridge collapses completely, but he realizes it isn't enough to get Rod home. Rodney keeps the ZPM maxed out, it's almost there… Almost there. He waits until he is sure Rod made it back then cuts the power.

Shit. The ZPM is completely drained. The lights flicker off, leaving the lab in darkness until the backup Naquadah generators come online.

"I am so fired." Rodney tells the room.

.  
.


	41. John does some damage control

.

It's become clear to John that Rodney has been struggling for a while now, he's not sure when it started exactly... it's been a month or two... And this recent mission hasn't been easy on him; he can see Rodney is in pain over more than just this rift with Jeanie.

John's mind turns to the conversation he'd had with Rodney recently. Rodney had been so abstractly blithe, so certain that his sister hated him. The way he'd spoken the words made John think that these feelings were nothing new to McKay, no matter how oblivious and unaffected he tried to appear.

So if Rodney seems to think they all like Rod better, John has to do something to correct that assumption. Rod had been easy enough to get along with, but John is sure that no one would truly prefer him. He feels guilty that the teasing had gotten a little out of hand, it hadn't seemed to matter at the time since that's how he and Rodney have always interacted with each other. But he should have known better, he'd seen the signs that Rodney wasn't himself and John is worried that a greater damage has been done.

To make it up to him, John finds the video of the hour-long rant Rodney made before the siege. Rodney would kill him if he knew Ford had given John a copy. Parts of it are a bit embarrassing but mostly it's adorable watching Rodney in his sleep deprived state, his hair all rumpled as he rambles on about things more intimate than he has ever willingly shared with John. John's watched it more than a few times and as ridiculous as Rodney sounds, he always feels closer to him somehow… It reminds him of that dream he had where Rodney had been holding him in a nightmare after the siege, making John's fear and self-loathing go away. It always makes him wish he could reach through to the past and hug Rodney, tell him that they aren't going to die, that everything ends up okay in the end.

Maybe it's not so much Rodney's fear about the past impending Wraith attack, it's the sadness John sees in Rodney's eyes when talking about the people he's tried to connect with. It wasn't too different from how John was feeling at the time, alone, reflecting on how little he had left to lose. But none of that is what he wants to show Jeanie. Rodney really would kill him if he even knew John had this recording. There is just one segment at the end when Rodney starts talking to his sister, admitting how much the people on Atlantis have come to mean to him and regretting that they weren't closer. It's something he thinks Jeanie needs to see.

After grabbing his laptop, John finds Jeanie in her quarters and tells her that there is something he wants to show her. She looks at him in curiosity as he opens the video up to the right time stamp and it begins playing.

"Jeanie, it's your brother, Rodney. Obviously. I want to say, um… I want to say something, uh… Family is important.

I've come to realize that, because the people here have become a sort of a, kind of a, surrogate family to me. -Now, I know what you're thinking. I've never really been the poster child for that kind of sentiment, but when contemplating one's own demise, one tends to see things more clearly."

Continuing magnanimously, Rodney confides to the camera, "I really do wish you the best, you know, and I'm sorry we weren't closer. Perhaps, um… If by chance I make it out of this, perhaps one day we can be, and I would like that."

Rodney seems overcome with emotion for a moment and then he snaps himself out of it, "Now, if there's time I'd like to-" John stops the video there.

"When did he record this?" Jeanie asks.

"Couple years back when we thought the bad guys were gonna get us."

"Now I've seen 3 sides of my brother." Jeanie says dryly.

Just then, Rodney walks into Jeanie's room. He looks at John accusingly, "What are you two up to?"

Jeanie closes the laptop and hands it back to John.

Knowing this might look bad, John tries to make a joke out of it in his usual manner, "Nothing. Just, ah, telling stories about you." He smiles coyly at Rodney, "You know, trying to help her fall asleep."

"Ah, ha, ha." Rodney makes a sarcastic face.

Getting up, John excuses himself, "I'll leave you guys alone."

.

.

* * *

.

.

"Hey." Rodney lifts his hand up awkwardly at his sister.

Knowing the Daedalus is leaving in the morning and this is his last chance to make something right between them, he is still at a loss for words. He feels so worthless and empty, instead of saying anything meaningful he just tells her about how he didn't end up getting fired. Then remembering the small wooden trinket he swiped from Weir's desk he offers it to her as a gift for Madison.

"Oh." Jeanie looks puzzled as she takes the odd wooden shaped thing from him. "Well, it's the thought that counts, I guess." she says politely.

He wants to reach out to Jeanie in a more meaningful way, but he feels so inadequate, such an immense sadness at his failure.

As Jeanie gets ready to leave, Rodney tries to speak again, he can't just let her go like this. "Yes, About that… Which is to say… ahm… Look…" Rodney inhales sharply, "What I wanted to…"

"Thank you for trying." Jeanie nods like she is giving him permission to leave.

Rodney's heart is breaking; he hates himself for being so incapable and pathetic… but he doesn't know what else to say. Stepping forward, he simply reaches out his arms and hugs her closely. When he feels her reach back to hold him, tears spring to his eyes.

"How are you?" Rodney croaks through the lump in his throat, still clasping Jeanie tightly, "Are you happy? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Mere. I am. I really am." Jeanie answers warmly.

After a long hug, Rodney feels a little better. Still holding onto her arm affectionately he tells her, "Intergalactic gate network should be completed soon, so maybe it won't be 4 years next time?"

"Does this mean I'll see you at Christmas?" Jeanie grins.

"If you can convince Kaleb not to make Tofurky." Rodney stipulates.

Jeanie giggles, "No promises!"

.

.

* * *

.

.

John has one more thing planned the try to get Rodney back on track. He goes to have a talk with Ronon and Teyla about it.

"So you wish us to speak poorly of Rod?" Teyla asks in confusion.

"No…" John makes a face, "Well, yes actually. Whatever you can say about him that will make Rodney feel better."

"And you believe that saying such things about Rod will have a positive effect on Rodney?" Teyla asks sincerely, trying to understand.

"Look," John gestures in frustration, "I know it seems like he doesn't care, but I'm telling you something's been wrong with him for a while. He was struggling before Rod got here and now I think he's convinced himself that we all hate him."

"What, just because we were making fun of him a little?" Ronon waves his arm dismissively, "Can't imagine how, he's so full of himself. And you know he deserves a little teasing for being such an ass all the time."

"It was too much," John frowns, "notice how he didn't even bother to tell us how intellectually inferior we all were?"

"Well," Ronon shrugs, "he had plenty to say about Rod…"

Teyla leans forward with a compassionate look on her face, "Because he believed that we preferred Rod."

"Yes. Thank you, Teyla." John exhales, "That's only part of it, but it's the part I think we can do something about."

"I'm NOT telling him he's a genius." Ronon grumbles but he and Teyla agree to John's plan.

"Just follow my lead," John instructs, "tomorrow morning in the cafeteria."

.

.

* * *

.

.

The next morning, Rodney narrows his eyes as he sees John laughing with Ronon and Teyla at one of the tables in the cafeteria. Great, more jokes at his expense. Rodney considers just leaving but he is feeling cranky and decides to confront them, assuring himself that he never liked any of them either.

Sounding more dejected than he intends, Rodney lifts his arms, "Am I just not getting the team emails anymore?"

"Take it easy, we're just talking about Rod." John explains.

"Oh, yes." Rodney says unhappily wondering how they will ever get along with their favorite new friend, "Well, of course you are."

"Do you think he made it back to his universe?" Teyla asks.

"Well, it's hard to say, really but" Rodney thinks for a moment, breaking the bad news to her, "I doubt he'll be back though."

"That's good." John smiles, "We found him a little, ah.. creepy."

"What?" Rodney is shocked.

"Yeah," Ronon agrees, "I can't stand people who are nice all the time. Makes me feel like they're trying to hide something."

"Really?" Rodney blinks at his teammates, feeling a little less inadequate.

"He kept trying to correct me on my Athosian history." Teyla adds, "It grew tiresome very quickly.

"Well, he wasn't that bad." Rodney prompts, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Yeah," John makes a face, "let's be honest. Rod was annoying."

, "Well, I'll be honest with _you_ …" Rodney begins with a hint of a smile, reaching for a chair to join the table, "That's kind of nice to hear." Then despite himself, he feels his face break into a full grin.

As Rodney pulls up his seat, for a moment he thinks he catches John exchanging conspiratorial looks with Ronon and Teyla and has a sudden fear that this is an elaborate joke to humiliate him. But when he meets John's eyes they are warm and protective and Rodney lets himself relax again. Maybe they don't hate him as much as he thought they did.

"Now, what else has been happening?" Rodney asks hoping they will include him in the conversation.

"Well," John confides, "Teyla's got the hots for one of the new Marines."

Teyla kicks John under the table and he flinches "Ow."

"That is not true!" She tells Rodney.

"You know it is." Ronon teases.

.

.

* * *

.

.

As they all laugh together, John watches Rodney. There is still a darkness in his eyes, but he seems a little bit lighter now without the specter of Rod hanging over his head.

A few days later when John is out running laps, he spies Rodney staring over the railing of a balcony. As he gets closer, he sees Rodney step up onto the lower rung and lean over further than John is really comfortable with.

He breaks into a quick sprint and grabs Rodney by the back of the shirt, "Hey."

Panting from exertion, John pulls him away from the railing, "What are you doing?"

"What?" Rodney looks flustered.

John frowns as he tries to catch his breath. He asks again, "What were you doing?"

"I was, uh…" Rodney opens his eyes wide, "just, uh, taking in the view."

"The view?" John walks to the edge and looks down.

"Oh. That?" Rodney joins him at the railing, "No, not… Don't worry. You know, I'm far too much of a coward to ever do anything like that."

"Is that supposed to reassure me?" John narrows his eyes at Rodney.

"Uh, sorry. I wouldn't, you know. Nothing to worry about… I was just curious about…" Rodney leans his head over, "some of those buildings down there."

John isn't sure what to think, it hadn't really looked like Rodney was going to jump... Still, he examines Rodney's face, "Do I need to be worried about you, Rodney?"

"Wha- No!" Rodney's voice is shrill.

John knows there is something Rodney isn't telling him. He has been acting really off for the last couple months. He should probably have mentioned it to Elizabeth by now, but he was hoping it would resolve itself.

"Well, something's been wrong with you…" John sighs, "for a while." p

Rodney doesn't deny it. That is something at least.

"What is it?" John asks.

"I'll be okay soon. I just need some time to…" Rodney looks anguished, "sort it out. I just need some time, it's getting better, I promise."

John licks his lips, "Well, maybe you should talk to Heightm-"

"No! No-no-no-no." Rodney gestures strongly, "I've got it under control. And I promise you don't need to worry about… anything like that."

A cloud of pain passes over Rodney's expression. For some reason it reminds John of that night when he saw Rodney lying on the floor of the shower. The night he had just left him there, sobbing.

 _'Why had he been so afraid? … He should have gone to Rodney, he should have-'_

"Yeah. I'm fine, actually." Rodney turns his back to John, looking out over the city again.

Stepping up beside him, John peers at his face; it is closed, his eyes look dull. He knows Rodney is in pain but he is unsure of what to say to make it better.

He reaches out his hand hesitantly and pats Rodney on the back, feeling him flinch a little under his touch, "You know… of all the Rodneys out there, you're my favorite."

The corners of Rodney's mouth curl into a smile and John continues, "So… whatever this thing is… I'm here… if you ever want to talk about it."

"Now." John demands, "Do I need to be worried about you?"

Rodney shakes his head.

This time John believes him, "Okay… So, I can leave without worrying that you're going to end it all?"

"Yes." Rodney gives a short burst of laughter, "You can go."

"Well, it's only cause that would look very bad for me, as a commanding officer." John jokes.

"Well, in that case, I just might consider it." Rodney retorts.

As John heads off jogging toward the pier, he turns around and watches Rodney for a moment. His figure is stooped over the railing in a way that looks so sad. John presses his lips together in discomfort.

 _'Why did he just run away when he saw Rodney sobbing on the shower floor? He should have gone to him, he should have…'_

He's not running away now is he? Rodney must know how much John cares. But it feels like he is powerless to reach him… He hates the way things have felt between them lately.

What if he had come back for Rodney that night? Could it have changed anything between them, could it have made any of this better?

.  
.


	42. Captain Lyle Holland

.

.

The desert sand is whipping around them, blowing into John's face as he tries to keep Captain Lyle Holland upright. _'Hang in there Lyle._ '

Just a little further, John is sure he can get them out of the line of fire. He didn't come this far to let Lyle die on him.

John pulls Lyle behind a rock and leans him against it while he goes to check on how many Taliban they're up against. Lyle is delirious, not seeming to remember John's attempted rescue or the helicopter crash.

"Sheppard? What the hell are you doing here?"

Suddenly John is confused himself; what _is_ he doing here? "Holland?"

Somehow he feels like he already knows that Lyle Holland is dead... or is going to die. No, that can't be right. Not after all this, John isn't going to let that happen. Lyle's going to make it, John just has to get him out in time.

Kneeling down, John gently takes Lyle's pulse, "Yeah, he got you pretty good… Alright, got to stop the bleeding."

As he assesses Lyle's damaged body, John smiles to mask his panic. Honestly, Lyle's in bad shape, too battered to keep going much longer. He applies some bandaging to stem the bleeding over the more obvious wounds but...

 _'Please, not after all this.'_ he pleads internally. John can't lose him now, he'll get them out of here and once Lyle sees a medic it'll be okay. They just have to keep moving. Too dazed to object, Lyle lets John lead the way.

John has to be sure they aren't being followed from the wreckage, so he makes occasional stops to check for signs of Taliban combatants. He just can't shake the thought that someone else is tracking them too.

Leonard. One of his own men. But Leonard wasn't on the chopper. Wait… Who is Leonard? He might be working with the Taliban.

After he is sure they aren't being followed, John runs back to Lyle's side, "We're clear."

Holland offers his shoulder and lets John take the brunt of the weight. John can't believe how much he's missed the guy. It seems like more than 24 hours since he went missing.

Now that he's got Lyle back, John isn't exactly sure how he's going to get him to safety… Not with all those AK-47's out there. But it's up to him to save Holland. John would throw his career away in a heartbeat to save the man. That's what he came here to do and nothing's going to stop him. He'll do anything to save the man he loves.

Wiping some blood from around Lyle's head wound, John pulls him into a safe resting spot. It's a strange thing to find in the desert, the enclosure looks like a wigwam. But it should help protect them from enemy fire; he just needs to check the perimeter again.

"Leonard must have built this place before he lost it." John explains.

Lyle stays quiet as John moves to sit close.

Anxious to feel Lyle still with him, John reaches to examine the bandage on Lyle's leg, "Dressing's a little sloppy."

Lyle… No, it isn't Lyle.

It's Teyla.

She winces in pain as John checks her leg, "Still bleeding pretty badly. I'm going to change it, and then go get Beckett."

Beckett. Right. There's a friendly doctor out here. He just has to find Beckett.

Teyla asks, "John, what just happened out there? The look on your face, the confusion?"

And suddenly John realizes he lost Lyle a long time ago. "Nothing. Somebody just popped into mind and caught me off guard."

"Do you think it has anything to do with the Wraith generator?" she asks.

"Hell, if I know." Everything feels off; John remembers all those bodies they found when they got here, the people who turned on their own friends after being exposed to the experimental generator.

He assures her that he's fine and feeling no violent urges yet, "What about you?Got any ideas about killing me?"

"No." Teyla shakes her head.

John's glad to hear it, "Anyway if this is some Wraith experiment gone haywire, maybe that part of your DNA will make you immune to it."

Gunfire erupts from somewhere nearby; John looks outside the enclosure and sees Leonard screaming irrationally.

He tries to talk the man down but Leonard pulls the pin on his grenade and blows himself up.

"Got to get his tags." John tells Teyla with a heavy voice.

 _'Just like Afghanistan. The tags went back to Lyle's family and John had nothing to remember him by.'_

.

.

"Shhh." John's body goes still at the sound of a jeep engine out there, the sound of approaching people. It's got to be the Taliban and John's got to get eyes on them before they're completely surrounded.

But once outside John doesn't find a jeep, he's back at the scene of the crashed helicopter. Hearing voices in the distance again, John takes cover behind a small dune. He can see them now, the Taliban, walking along the ridge.

Running back to the crashed chopper, Lyle gives him a wary look, "You're out of your mind, you know that?"; his eyes flash with emotion as John moves closer to sit next to him, "You flew back in here alone, didn't you? Against orders, am I right?"

"Yeah." John sighs, after hearing Lyle went missing with Vasquez and Bucks, he'd been going out of his mind, "Command was taking to long coordinating extraction scenarios with the Afghans. I didn't think I could wait much longer. And from the looks of it, I was right."

"So," John tries to sound lighthearted as he fumbles with Lyle's dressings, "what was wrong with your helicopter that you had to go and hide out in an old Russian one?"

"Mine was burnt." Lyle wheezes, his face bloody and spent.

"Right." John doesn't want to press him to talk about the worst of it; he hadn't had to ask about Vasquez and Bucks, he could tell by the look on Lyle's face, they didn't make it.

Lyle's head lolls back as he looks at John, "Can't help but notice that you're missing yours, too."

"Small arms fire hit my tail rotor." John smiles ruefully, "One lucky shot."

"Great." Lyle groans, "Now we're both gonna die out here."

John smirks thinking of how much Lyle reminds him of Rodney, "Well, there's the Holland I know, always so positive."

"Place is crawling with Taliban." Lyle warns.

"Yeah." John downplays the seriousness of their predicament to keep Lyle from losing hope, "There are a few here and there."

"A few as in how many?"

John gets up to patrol the perimeter, "6 ...or so. We can take them"

"You crazy son of a bitch." Lyle mutters.

"Tell me something that I don't know." John smiles back at him.

"John?" Lyle sounds concerned, "John listen to me-"

Before he can finish, John cuts him off, "I'm gonna get you out of here, Captain. Don't worry. Then you buy the first round back in Kandahar". Thinking of everything else he'd like to do to Lyle once they get back to Kandahar, he lifts his eyebrows playfully at him.

.

.

The sun is scorching.

It seems like hours before John sees a friendly bird in the air; pulling out his radio, he calls for help, "Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Do you read?"

There is no response, so John tries again, "Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Do you read?"

Anxiously he looks back to Lyle, sensing something's wrong... something's different about the way Lyle's head is leaning.

He runs back to check on him, "Hey, hey, hey. Come on."'

 _'No-no-no. Don't leave me. Not like this.'_

John grabs Lyle's collar possessively and gives him the look. The look they both know implicitly without having to say anything. They've never talked about it, John would't even know how to.

Internally his mind is screaming and begging _'Don't you dare fucking leave me, Lyle. You know I love you, I need you. Stay with me.'_

Out loud he only says, "I didn't come all this way to leave you here." but his stomach knots with fear at Lyle's condition.

It's obvious Lyle's struggling to stay conscious, it seems like he's already given up but for John's sake he keeps talking, "Sheppard, when we get out of here, I'll make sure I say something really nice at your court martial."

"Yeah." John has to laugh at his own lack of foresight, how little he bothered to think this through, "Come visit me in Leavenworth, huh?"

"No... It's way too depressing."

"Yeah." Through his sadness it always makes John smile when Lyle calls him Sheppard off duty; it's a code they use about who they really are to each other.

He tries to tell himself that they'll have plenty of time for more than just inside jokes, and innuendos.

It's like something Rodney once said, something about being tired of holding back. John doesn't want to keep living this way, he wants to take Lyle in his arms, to finally let it be more. Lyle's made it clear enough that he'd risk it if John would.

Military be damned. Regretting how he's lacked the courage and let so much stay unspoken over the years, John's mad with grief and the obsession to get Lyle back alive.

But what kind of future could they have now? Lyle's joke about Leavenworth... the reality is, John will probably end up doing time.

Certainly, he won't have his command anymore... He and Lyle will end up separated. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what happens to him. He'll do whatever he has to to save Lyle.

Scouting within eyeshot of Lyle, John keeps calling over the radio.

The channel stays silent, but someone's out there. Someone's _got_ to come for them.

Weapons fire nearby stops him. Taliban. He sees one coming for them from over the ridge.

After firing a few rounds, John races back to Lyle, "Clipped him in the arm. Not enough to kill him, but enough to scare him off. He's probably calling his buddies. We've got to get out of here."

He scoops the man he loves carefully under his arm, supporting a pace as fast as Lyle can manage.

They are out in the open now, exposed, they've got to find somewhere safe to lay low. Lyle can't keep moving like this.

"Don't worry, I'm going to take care of his friends." John reassures, despite the odds against them.

Both weary from exhaustion, they continue trudging on.

Then Lyle loses his footing and they tumble all the way down the side of a dune. At the bottom, Lyle makes no move to get back up.

John keeps his voice strong as he wipes the sand from himself, "As much as I'd like to stop and take a break…"

"Oh, am I slowing you down? I'm sorry!" Lyle holds his injured leg sarcastically; looking around, "Are we even going in the right direction?"

"West." John squints into the sky and gestures.

"Looks East to me."

"It's West." John points emphatically.

"Cause there's a whole mess of Taliban just East of here." Lyle groans.

"You know what?" John looks down at him in mock irritation, "When we get back to Kandahar, you're buying the next two rounds. All right. Can you stand?"

As he reaches to lift Lyle up, he winces at John in pain, "Stand, sure."

"Walk?" John asks hopefully as he pulls them both upright.

"We'll see." Lyle sounds uncertain but tries.

They progress at a slow hobble now; Lyle has to prop most of his weight on John. "All right, all right." John reassures him with every step, "See? Not so bad."

Lyle gives him a look to let John know he doesn't need to be coddled. "Just go, okay?"

"See how the sun's moving?" John points out, "That's West."

"Whatever." Lyle remains sour.

After an hour or so John hears some noise coming from a nearby ridge and they duck down for cover. The sounds get closer and John can't believe what they've stumbled into.

The valley below is crawling with Taliban.

"West?" Lyle gives John a dubious look.

He barely has time to give an affable shrug before they are spotted and taking fire; John manages a lucky shot and one of the trucks goes up in flames.

The explosion provides enough of a distraction for them to make a getaway.

From their new cover position, John radios in desperation. "Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Come in."

Lyle is leaning with his bloody head against him. " _Sheppard_ , whatever happens, thanks for coming for me."

This whole plan has gone to hell; John hates to admit it to himself but Lyle looks like he's giving out completely.

It's obvious there's internal bleeding and he's not going to last must longer. John pushes his lips together in grief.

He won't accept this, it doesn't matter to John if he makes it out of here... but Lyle, Lyle has to.

Returning to the radio, John calls over and over, "Arclight, respond. We need to get the hell out of here."

Suddenly the desert, Lyle, and everything around him disappears.

John is back in the cave with the alien power generator.

The thing seems to be off now and John recognizes Teyla and Ronon next to him. Moving back to the present reality, John checks the status of his team.

It's a grave shock when he finds out that while under the influence of the generator, he shot Rodney in the chest; thinking he was an enemy Taliban.

Once Beckett tells John that Rodney will be fine, he's awash with relief. He doesn't think he could take much more guilt today.

Not that Rodney is going to let him off the hook. John's mouth turns down at the corners, Rodney will probably never let him live this down.

After apologizing to Rodney, he radios Elizabeth. Now that the interference from the generator is gone he can finally apprise her of the situation.

She asks about the rest of the team.

"He shot me!" Rodney screams to be heard over John's radio.

He walks away from Rodney to finish up with Elizabeth.

When John's done talking on the radio, Rodney screams again from where he's lying on the ground, "You shot me!"

"Yes, Rodney," John turns around, "I shot you and I said I was SORRY."

Rodney gives him a hurt expression.

"You shot me too." Ronon reminds John of how he clipped his arm.

"I'm sorry for shooting everyone!" John admits in frustration, throwing his hands up in the air, "Just…" He hangs his head, "The Daedalus will be here in a little while. Just get some rest."

At least _he_ wasn't the one who shot Teyla in the leg, so John sits next to her.

"So…", She asks him quietly, "did you manage to get Captain Holland to safety?"

John looks at her and squints his eyes; he tries to talk but his throat closes up on him. He has to look away from her to get control of himself.

Finally, he pulls his face into a soldier's expression, impassive and empty he stares ahead, "No."

"Well... we survived." Teyla sighs, smiling at John and waiting for him to return her gaze.

Forcing his head into a nod, he closes his eyes briefly to banish his memories and give Teyla the answer she wants, "Yes… We did."

But he's still haunted by that night Lyle died in his arms, how much he wished he hadn't been the one to survive.

Surviving. It's what the military trains a soldier to do, and John does it reflexively, whether he wants to or not. His heart feels too heavy to bear right now.

And then Rodney's voice comes squawking through the air, making John smile despite himself, "I can't believe you shot me!".

"Get some sleep, Rodney!" he manages a small laugh.

.

.


	43. The truth about Afghanistan

.

.

Since returning from the planet with the alien generator John's barely slept. The trip back on the Daedalus was hard enough, but now back on Atlantis these last two days, things have only gotten worse. The hallucinations he suffered on the planet won't go away. These ghosts from his past have haunted him before, but not like this. Now it's impossible to close his eyes without seeing... _everything_.

Once back, John has made his rounds to the others in the infirmary. Ronon's arm wound was pretty superficial and he's been released. Teyla's leg is getting better; only Rodney's gunshot to the chest has been a bit more serious to recover from.

He feels like a haunted shell of himself, barely functioning. Every night is the same, he starts to fall asleep but wakes up drenched in sweat, sometimes screaming. He's wretched, never drifting off for very long. When the mornings come John feels even more exhausted than he did the evening before.

And the memories don't stop with daylight. John tries to distract himself, but whatever he does, he still sees the image of Lyle seared into his brain.

This time John hopes he can shut his eyes a little longer, he is shaking with exhaustion and dread. As soon as he hits his bed he feels himself losing consciousness.

But then he sees Lyle's face… dead and cold. Bolting upright, he hugs his knees shivering.

When it happened, the first time, the real time… he hadn't had to worry about trying to sleep. Pure adrenaline and fear kept him going… and the pain of course. The torture would shut John's whole body down and eventually he'd black out.

There's nothing to shut him down this time and John doesn't know how he's going to make it through. He begins to feel more afraid than he has in years.

Maybe he can just stay awake if Carson will give him some stims… or something to knock him out. But then John would have to explain. He can't tell anyone about this; he can't ever explain why he's in this waking nightmare.

Telling himself, he can think of a decent lie, John heads to the infirmary. When he gets there, he notices Rodney is gone. Forgetting about the drugs entirely, he asks where Rodney is.

Carson rolls his eyes, "I've never met a bigger baby in my life. He should still be here, letting me tend to him, but every time I start to unwrap the bandage he yells about how I'm killing him."

"So," John struggles to keep his eyes open, "Where is he?"

"I released him back to his own quarters, believe me, I didn't want to but he makes it impossible to treat him."

"He's okay, though?" John rubs the back of his neck.

"Aye, I'll be looking in on him and- ...Colonel?"

In his stupor, John realizes he's started walking out of the infirmary, "Uh, I, I'll go check on him."

He makes his way to Rodney's quarters in a daze and rings the chime.

"It's unlocked." Rodney's voice calls out.

"Colonel." Rodney smirks as John walks in, "Here to rub salt in my wound?" but his smile falls quickly and his eyes become concerned.

God, John realizes he must look like hell; his body stoops, arms dangling uselessly at his side, "Rodney." he croaks.

He wishes Rodney could help, but how could anyone? He's beyond repair. Broken, and he just can't take the pain anymore.

Not long ago, John told Rodney that he could come to him if he needed anything. He'd felt strong then, but now John is the one who needs help.

And Rodney, Rodney is the only one he can turn to, the only one he might be able to trust.

John's voice is hoarse from all the screaming last night, "Rodney." he just doesn't know what else to say.

"God, um, come in please…" Rodney gets up from his bed.

Bleary eyed, John just stares straight ahead.

"John." Rodney looks at him carefully; he clasps his arm and guides him into the room, stopping in front of the bed.

"So messy." John mumbles as he glances around the bedroom.

Releasing his hold, Rodney turns around, moving some of his materials and pushing stray items off of the bed. He pulls the coverlet straight and sits cross-legged on the far side of the mattress, patting his hand on the side closer to John, "Here."

John folds himself onto the bed, hugging his knees to his chest.

"What's wrong?" Rodney asks softly.

"Can't sleep." John's face falls forward for a minute, "No matter what I do I keep seeing him."

He's shocked to hear himself talking about this, but somehow he'd known, if Rodney saw how much pain he was in, he would be kind.

Rodney is quiet for a moment, "What do you see, John?"

He's already said too much, John shakes his head.

"It's okay." Rodney's voice is understanding, "You don't have to talk about it…You can stay here as long as you need to, you don't have to be alone right now."

Is that why he came, was he afraid to be alone? Hell if John knows.

John startles himself by speaking again, "I told you. I'm a train wreck. Nancy was right. I tried though. Really tried to be good enough for her. But I failed, like I fail everyone… I _did_ love her... more than anyone I ever knew… until Lyle."

Suddenly afraid, John stops. He's never talked about his… tendencies… not even with a man he's already slept with.

It's not like Rodney doesn't know, he's not going to judge or tell anyone. But God. John feels so terrified talking about this. He _can't_ talk about this.

He looks up to see Rodney's expression. It's a bit confused, but gentle.

Rodney furrows his brow and asks, "Is this about what happened back on the planet?"

"Did Teyla say something?" John's face flushes; she must have spoken about his flashbacks.

"No."

 _'Okay then, maybe Rodney is just perceptive.'_

"Sorry I'm so fucked up, I don't mean to be. I shouldn't have come. I was only gonna see... how you were doing but I... now I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I've never told anyone about this."

"John," Rodney reaches forward and lightly touches his arm, "You can tell me anything you want, I won't break your confidence… But there's no pressure… like I said, stay as long as you want… You don't owe me an explanation. You want to hang out, just hang out."

God, he's losing it. John's face falls onto his knees, a stifled sob breaks in the back of his throat. Rodney keeps his hand on John's shoulder, moving it lightly.

With his arms folded protectively around himself, John presses his face down further into his knees. "We met after Nancy -that's my ex-wife- after we got divorced.

We were never…It wasn't like that. I mean, in the military, you have to be really careful...

The only time I was with guys, it was quick, anonymous… a one time deal. Lyle and I, we were something more, we both knew it… We didn't talk about it or ever act on it, but… It was there between us, it was enough, it was… everything.

I never knew I could love someone like that. He was…" John chokes on his words and feels Rodney's hand still there on his arm moving in a reassuring sway.

He begins again more stiffly, "Well, a few years into Afghanistan, his chopper goes down behind enemy lines. I had a rescue mission all drawn up, but the big brass didn't want to hear it. I was ordered to stand down.

I couldn't take it. After a day of waiting I stole a chopper and went after him. And- and- the thing is, I fucking find him... He's in bad shape, but alive. I _knew_ he'd be alive if I found him in time. Only my chopper goes down too so there's no way out. It was just him and me out there in the sand..."

John exhales heavily, "I could tell he had internal bleeding but I bandaged him up the best I could. The best... his voice shakes, "I could. And, and we were headed West... I know we were headed West. He kept saying I was wrong but I know…"

Thankfully, Rodney can't see the tears that have begun to spill down his cheeks. But John's voice betrays him as his throat clenches on the words, "I know we were headed West."

Rodney is still rubbing his arm as John's body shakes with grief. "I... don't know… why… the Taliban were there.

His voice comes out small and broken, pleading, "It was... West… I got us to a safe place... for the night. After all that, I couldn't lose him. I j-just couldn't."

It's too much. John is sobbing now in spurts, his body rocking, writhing in on itself. He leans to one side and falls down on the bed, facing away from Rodney, curled into a ball.

"Okay... it's okay" Rodney whispers softly as he touches John's back; it has a soothing effect on him.

Sobbing in earnest, John lets himself go now, "Rodney… I tried… but…"

"Lyle, he, he," John's breath catches, "couldn't move anymore. I could feel him fading."

"I held him, h-h-held him", John cries, "i-in my arms."

"Oh God, I… just held him." John's hands cover his face in sorrow while his body is wracked with emotion, "It was all I could do. I begged hi-him not to… l-leave me."

His body contorts as he sobs, "I-I told h-him how much, I l-loved him."

Feeling calmer for a moment, John speaks the truth he's hidden for so many years, "I loved him."

"He told me that he knew, he always knew, that he loved me the same way." John sniffs through the tears, "All I could do is hold h-him and, and watch him… God, I held him c-close to keep him with me. I held him all night.

Sighing, John's voice gets thin and far way, "Held him… I just held him… and I..."

"I-I-I, he-", John's body shakes with a violent sob, "h-held him even after he was g-gone and cold, kept… h-holding on... begging him n-not t-to leave me..."

"Please Lyle…" John feels like he is back there.

"Oooh." His body shudders and he exhales; the butts of his hands push at his eyes trying to stop the flood.

"I cried like a baby all night, I didn't care if the Taliban heard me. The only person I ever really loved was gone… I think he was only person who ever really loved me."

Rodney's hand is still moving across his back. The sensation is so comforting. It makes him feel like the horrible storm is passing. John is weak and weary from the force of the tempest.

Small trickles of tears leak from his eyes as Rodney's hand smoothes away the snarls in his soul.

John takes a breath and speaks again, this time his voice is cold, "The military, the fucking thing about the military is… They train you to survive, even when you don't want to. I didn't want to, but…."

"In the morning…" John gives a big stuttered sigh, "I'm so sorry, Lyle… I'm so fucking sorry"

Suddenly he is sobbing again.

Rodney waits, patiently, stroking his back. It helps John feel less ashamed about breaking down like this.

After a time, he finds his voice again, "When the sun came up, I held his hands and told him how sorry I was that I had to go. I begged him to forgive me… I-I took his dog tags, I didn't want to leave, but I, I left… left him alone.

"How could I leave him there, alone?" Saying the last word, John's voice breaks and he is overcome, flooded with tears and emotion again.

 _'Alone. God, he'd just left him alone. He should have stayed with Lyle; he should have died there too.'_

It's some time before the storm ebbs away again and John regains his composure.

When he continues, this time his voice is terse and carefree "I made it about half a day before the Taliban captured me."

Rodney's hand stops in shock and John can hear the unspoken question.

"Yeah, they captured me. Tortured me pretty bad for a few weeks. But I didn't cry again, not after that night I lost Lyle.

May have screamed a lot… But I didn't cry. I'm sure, you know, it did something to me… made me worse off somehow. But I didn't really care anymore… I think it just kinda helped me go numb inside.

The Air Force said I was strong 'cause I hadn't broken… but they were wrong. I just didn't care if I lived or died anymore, I had nothing left to lose.

Oh." John thinks back to his own 'rescue', "Yeah, they traded me. Don't know all the details, but I found out they were never coming to get me either… Not Lyle, not me… It was just a fluke that I survived long enough before I got returned in some negotiation…"

John's voice gets soft again; "I deserved to die there... The Taliban gave me Lyle's dog tags before I left. I thought about keeping them but I gave them back, for his family. His personal effects were already gone... and then they shipped me off..."

He sighs quietly, "I was told how lucky I was that I didn't get court martialed. Probably the only reason I didn't is, they were worried about some 'poor tortured soldier' story and bad publicity.

But I never talked about it. Never did. Until now… Not any of it, except the basic facts for one mandatory debriefing.

Didn't really care what happened to me after that… or that I was sent off to Antarctica. It wasn't a bad place to do penance. It's weird, but I actually got to like the silence and the cold."

"You know, Rodney" John feels calm and cold now, like he did in Antarctica, "I was never supposed to be here in the first place. It was a mistake that I became the military commander. I let my feelings get in the way of doing my job before, I try to pretend I'm strong…

But every time someone dies it takes a little more of what I have left. It's my fault and I live it out over and over, making life and death decisions that are often wrong and get people killed.

I don't deserve to be here Rodney, I never did. I deserve to be dead. You all deserve better. You don't understand, but I've failed everyone that's ever mattered to me."

.

.

* * *

.

.

"Ohhhh, John… Rodney sighs while petting his back, "I'm sorry… so sorry… I understand you could feel this way, but none of it was your fault -none of it. You haven't failed us. You've saved so many lives, succeeded so many times."

Rodney reaches into himself. After everything John's told him, he feels like he should share something as well. Something that will get through to John, show him that Rodney is willing to trust him the same way.

"We all have things from the past that haunt us, but it doesn't mean that our worst fears about ourselves are true. I, uh, I've had some things of my own that I've been struggling with. Um, bad stuff, you know? Nothing like you, but…, um..."

John turns to look at him, his eyes all puffy and red from crying; Rodney's heart melts and he finds the courage to speak.

"I was, uh, , uh," he rushes the dreaded words out, the ones he's never told anyone before, "raped-and-abused" Rodney inhales shakily, "Um, by, um, someone… in the past. I-I've, uh, never really been the same since… Probably won't ever be.

But... what happened recently is, when the Replicators gave us that…" Rodney shudders. 'mind probe'… They played it out again… sort of replayed the scenes and…

And now, it feels like everything just happened again. That's what's been wrong with me, why _I_ can't sleep. I see it every time I close my eyes. And the nightmares are…" Rodney shakes his head, "I know what it's like to be haunted by something that you can't get over. It just.. It makes me hate myself. I feel like I deserve to… I feel like I wanna die."

John looks up at him in alarm and Rodney runs his hands over his back to soothe him, "BUT, but, the point is, I'm trying really hard to put it behind me, not to believe in the fears they used against me. I'm trying to remember good things are happening now. That I'm part of a team, that there are people who care about me and depend on me.

And, uh, you have to remember that too. The same thing is true for you. John, even if you haven't felt like it, you have been strong, strong enough for all of us. You've been an amazing commander. We would be dead without you, many times over.

None of us have to be defined by the past. You can't let it consume you, you can't give into your fears." Rodney sighs, "I know you're in a lot of pain -probably more than most of us- but you can't give up. We all care about you, we believe in you and we need you.

You aren't supposed to be dead… You're supposed to be here with us. We wouldn't trust-... _I_ wouldn't trust anyone else the way I trust you."

"Do you? _Really_ , Rodney?" John frowns in disbelief, "You trust the guy that was exiled to Antarctica to be the military commander of this expedition?"

"Yes." Rodney answers without hesitation. "Of course I do. And God… I'm so sorry, what happened with Lyle... It wasn't your fault you couldn't save him.

I only hope I would have had the courage to go after someone I loved that way. I… I can't imagine what that would have been like… to live through all that, to hold it all in. God. I'm so sorry."

They look at each other in quiet regard for a few beats; Rodney's heart aches to take some of the pain away, "John?" he asks quietly.

"Would you..." Rodney watches John's face for any adverse reaction, "maybe let me… hold you?"

Without giving away any emotion, John blinks his swollen eyes a few times, then nods.

Rodney exhales and lies down on the pillows behind them.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John moves to the other side of the bed in order to keep Rodney's wound protected. Still afraid to close his eyes, he lies down with his knees tucked against himself in a tight ball.

Rodney turns to his side and wraps his arms around him. John stiffens in surprise for moment but doesn't resist when Rodney squeezes him closer, pulling him into the crook of his arm.

"Come here, John"

Too tired to fight anymore, too spent from all the tears, he relents. And the fear, the tight coil of fear buried in his chest gives way a little. It's melting in Rodney's warm embrace.

He gives in and buries his face against Rodney.

And Rodney just holds him, moving his arms slightly, still holding John tight as if he's afraid he'll try to get away.

"It's okay John." Rodney whispers, "You've done enough… You've been heroic enough… You've saved enough lives… You haven't failed anyone, especially not Lyle… It's just your fear telling you otherwise."

John lets out a staggered sigh as Rodney's hand begins moving in that soothing sway across his back again.

"All of us here…" Rodney speaks with a calming lull, "We need you, and we trust you. You haven't failed us and you don't need to be perfect for us… There's no blame. Whatever you think you did wrong has been forgiven. Everything is forgiven, now."

Does Rodney mean that? _Everything?_ Is everything between _them_ forgiven?

John hopes so. No one has ever comforted him like this; he didn't even know it was possible. Maybe if he could remember more of his mother... But this is... He's been pardoned for his sins.

Another involuntary sigh escapes him and John relaxes more deeply.

How can Rodney do that? John doesn't even know how to forgive himself, but Rodney somehow makes him feel like it's going to be okay.

He feels so… protected; John releases his grip on his knees. His hands curl away from himself, reaching for Rodney and the solace he is offering him.

Rodney shifts again. Laying on his back now, he pulls John up onto his chest and John lets his head rest there.

It feels so good to be held like this. Finally, he uncurls his legs and reaches a stray arm to drape over Rodney's chest, taking care to avoid the wound.

With Rodney's breath rising and falling under his head, he feels... safe. He just wants to burrow into him as close as he can. He finds his arms tightening around Rodney, returning the embrace.

And John can't even feel the coil of fear anymore. Rodney has banished the ghosts that haunt him; he is drifting in a tranquil, peaceful sea.

For the first time in days, as John's eyes start to get heavy, he is unafraid. Rodney's hand is still there, gently caressing his back. He feels himself being pulled into slumber, but he resists it as long as he can. He just wants to be here with Rodney, feeling safe and forgiven.

Sleep overtakes him at last, dreamless for a while. John has a vague sense of moving in the night, readjusting to cuddle with Rodney. Then he lurches awake again from a nightmare.

Rodney pulls him back down and holds him tightly to himself. John shudders involuntarily and then goes limp: The fear is gone again. He doesn't ever want to leave Rodney's arms; this feels too perfect.

.

.

When John wakes up, he is still nestled into Rodney, with an arm and leg sprawled casually over his body. John can't ever remember feeling so comfortable. He breathes in, smelling Rodney's ever so slight, sweet musk. Must be all that chocolate he eats.

He stretches sleepily, taking care not to wake Rodney; fortunately, he never gets up this early.

His lips brush against Rodney's slightly scratchy jacket; they are both still wearing all their clothes from last night.

Oh. Then he feels a deep aching for something more. Now he's afraid to open his eyes or move at all, thinking about Rodney's body under him. God, the things he'd like to do to that body…

John's erection shocks him upright. Fortunately Rodney is still sleeping, but he has to go now, before he wakes.

Jumping up, he looks back to make sure Rodney is still unconscious, then heads back to his own room.

As he walks, everything feels so much lighter, his step, his chest, even the sun streaming through the windows seems to be lifting away the nightmares.

And it's so strange when he sees Rodney later that day. He expects to feel overexposed and vulnerable, ashamed after last night. But what he feels is safe and known.

He wishes he could fix things for Rodney, the way it feels like Rodney fixed him. John had no idea how much pain Rodney was really in, he'd dismissed and teased Rodney's constant complaining over trivial matters, but there was so much more going on that he hadn't known about.

Rodney said he was tortured by the Replicators in ways too hideous to recount… And John had let him down, discounted it as another one of McKay's dramatics. He, of all people, should know what kind of damage torture does to the soul. He should have realized sooner; he knew something was wrong, but he had no idea Rodney was suffering so much.

What he feels now... There is so much compassion for what Rodney's been through, so much rage at whoever raped Rodney and made him feel small. It explains a lot about why Rodney has so many defenses up, so much trouble trusting people.

John can't help but wonder if this was also why Rodney had been crying in the shower that night, after the last time they'd been together sexually.

It makes him shudder and feel sick to remember that Rodney had been feeling pain after being with him, pain that John had caused somehow.

He'd meant to be a good lover. But he realizes he'd been distant and selfish. These are things he knows now that Rodney's fragile ego can't handle. If he could go back, take it all back, he would.

He hopes Rodney really does forgive him.

.

.


	44. There are certain people I miss

.  
.

When Rodney sees John the next day, it somehow feels shocking. John is talking the same way, making the same facial expressions, but Rodney sees him differently now.

It feels so strange to realize that John let Rodney see what is in his heart, as if Rodney got a day pass into the armored walls of John's city. He feels special knowing that John trusted him enough as a friend to tell him something no one else knows.

So often, Rodney has wanted to be closer to John without knowing how. He is so unreachable most of the time. Rodney is happy he got through, just a little bit, and he will hold the secret to his grave.

And he will never betray the extra warmth he feels for John now, not unless John approaches him to talk again. Rodney will just continue to banter in his normal manner, acting like nothing has changed. But inside he understands John in a new way; there is a compassion and understanding, a deep current of protectiveness.

He loves John even more than he already did, and he would do anything for him.  
After keeping himself from looking for all these years, Rodney finally lets himself hack into John's service record. Much of it has been redacted, but what is left between the lines is a sad story.

John's life has been war torn and lonely. Before he came to Atlantis, he'd seen action in some of the worst places on Earth. No wonder Antarctica seemed like a vacation. And John had managed to survive a lot of dangerous missions that his friends did not. Lyle was not the only one.

Rodney speculates about John's sexual history. How many male lovers John may have taken… It didn't sound like many.

 _'The only time I was with guys, it was quick, anonymous… a one-time deal.'_

Where does Rodney fit into that timeline? Is that why John had been so weird about everything, was he really that repressed? Maybe you had to be in the military.

Maybe it wasn't Rodney's fault that John had left afterwards. If John was used to quick anonymous encounters, then that could be the reason why he never spoke to Rodney after he fucked him, the reason why he left so abruptly.

Maybe it had nothing to do with Rodney's inadequacies and failings; maybe it wasn't even his fault. Who knows, if John had been comfortable being with a guy, it's possible that he would have liked Rodney more than he did.

He feels a deep empathy for John and the burdens he carries around with him. He doesn't know if he will ever see that side of John again, but he hopes he does. It doesn't matter so much now that John will never love Rodney back; he knows they share something real and special. Whatever John is willing to share with Rodney, he will happily take.

They are real friends now and that is more than Rodney ever thought he was going to get.  
After Rodney finishes reading the service record, he goes to find John in the gym. John is sparring with Ronon, and from the looks of it, the two of them have been going at it for a while. It feels a little awkward standing in the door and Rodney considers leaving but decides to wait until they are finished.

Ronon is the stronger opponent but John is more graceful and agile. Watching John is a slow kind of agony, it stokes Rodney's desire for him, makes him crave John's touch. He can't look away though; the man is so beautiful.

Rodney realizes he should have fabricated a pretext for coming here, something professional and dry. Not just to-

John calls out, "Rodney, we don't often get the pleasure of seeing you down here."

Ronon chuckles, "Come to try a round?"

"Why, yes. Of course." Rodney makes a sarcastic face, "That's why I'm here."

He wants to turn tail and run but that would make him look even more foolish than he already does. Luckily, Ronon soon heads out and leaves Rodney alone with John. As John puts away his fighting sticks, Rodney shifts his weight anxiously. John walks slowly towards Rodney with a odd look on his face. But he doesn't ask why Rodney is here, much to his relief.

John closes his eyes for a moment, then looks at Rodney in an unguarded manner, "Thanks."

"Of course…" The corners of Rodney's mouth lift up, "I just wanted to tell you… I mean, I know you can open doors and all with your gene, but I, uh… I wanted to tell you that, ah…

Anytime you want to come by… if you're having trouble sleeping, or whatever. There doesn't have to be a reason… You can come by any time, even, -even if I'm not there... You can just" Rodney flounders at his failed attempt to express himself and tries again.

"You want to hang out, just hang out..." he trails off out of breath, feeling foolish again.

"Thanks, Rodney." John's expression is open and affectionate.

"I really mean it, I mean, I really do. I wouldn't just say that."

"No, I guess you wouldn't." John gives a sidelong look.

Their eyes lock in silence for a moment or two.

Rodney feels like John is seeing him completely, he feels known and accepted. He hopes he makes John feel the same way.

"So…" John asks shyly, "you wanna watch a movie tonight?"

"Definitely." Rodney's whole face smiles.

John grins back, "Okay, I'm gonna take a shower…See you at your place in a half hour?"

"Great." Rodney nods eagerly.

He races back to his quarters to pick up. He shouldn't assume John is spending the night, and he definitely shouldn't assume that there will be any more cuddling.

Carson would be giving him hell if he knew about this. Maybe Rodney won't tell him. There really is no way to explain without context and Rodney certainly isn't going to tell Carson anything about what John shared with him. Probably better not to tell Carson about spending the night together either; it was innocent enough.

Fretting over whether or not to pull out extra bedding, Rodney finally decides to put out an extra blanket and pillow on the side table. That way John will know Rodney wants him to stay, it will be easy for him to spend the night if he wants to. Rodney won't say anything else about it, John already knows he is welcome.

And Rodney is just being a good host. _Right. Just being a good host, to the man he is terribly in love with._

That night they watch 'The Princess Bride' together. The two of them sit comfortably on the couch. Lounging around, bumping into each other, even wrestling playfully at one point. John doesn't pin Rodney to the couch, though Rodney almost wishes he would.

At the end of the night, Rodney is pleased to see John reach for the bedding he set out. He watches John as he unfolds the blanket onto the couch.

Over the years, he has noticed that the two of them seem to always get tired around the same time -late into the night or early morning. John gets up earlier than Rodney, but otherwise their sleep rhythms are in tune.

"Thanks." John catches Rodney's eye and looks at him gratefully.

"Of course…" Rodney smiles at him with love, "Like I said, come and go as you please. Anytime you want to hang out, just hang out."

Over the next several weeks John does just that. He spends every night on the couch and nearly all his free time with Rodney. Rodney has even come in during the day a few times to catch John reading on his couch. He couldn't be more elated.

In fact, it seems to be healing something inside Rodney that felt broken after the encounter with the Replicators. Maybe it is healing something for John too.

He doesn't even mind when John 'picks up' around the place and moves all of his things where he can't find them. It is just blissful to be around John so much. He feels closer to him than he has ever felt with anyone. He definitely loves John more than he has ever loved anyone.

Playing with John is the best, especially when they are on the couch together and there is some kind of physical contact. Rodney knows John doesn't mean anything by it, so he just lets himself enjoy it.

Things feel like they couldn't be more perfect as Rodney prepares for the debut of his intergalactic gate system between the Milky Way and Pegasus galaxies. And then, in a flash, it is all over.

Just after John makes a successful Jumper run through the nearly completed gate system, the Daedalus makes contact with a ship traveling at .999 the speed of light. Like an idiot, Rodney wants to make contact with them.

At first it is exciting; a ship-full of Ancients, ghosts from the past that have been subject to the effects of relativistic time dilation. From their perspective, 10,000 years have not passed, Atlantis is still their home and they have not lost the war with the Wraith.

The Daedalus eagerly ushers them back to Atlantis, wherein the Captain of the Ancient ship promptly takes control of the city and tells them all to go back to Earth. Rodney's life in the Pegasus Galaxy is suddenly over. Teyla and Ronon are invited to come back with them but they opt to stay behind and fight the Wraith.

John and Carson both get stationed at the SGC but Rodney is assigned to area 51. He is given his pick of projects, but Rodney wishes they had given him a reason to be stationed with his friends.

No, he wishes he could have his life on Atlantis back, the one where John spends nights laughing and talking with him. John and Rodney discuss it, of course. They say this isn't goodbye. They will only be a 2 hour flight away from each other and they can take turns visiting on weekends.

Over the next 6 weeks, it turns out that they do stay close. Most weekends John comes to Rodney since he is so close to Vegas and it's more exciting than when Rodney visits Colorado Springs.

Neither of them are big gamblers so they do other things, like racing cars around a track, or even golfing –which Rodney has to admit, isn't as bad as he first thought. And they talk on the phone a lot. It isn't a substitute for the real thing, but it will have to do.

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.

* * *

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.

Well, this sucks.

John is ready to give up, go find Rodney at area 51 and… Well, that is as far as the plan ever gets.

As John steps back through the gate at the SGC, he makes a passing crack to General Landry, the Commander of operations at Cheyanne Mountain. "I never thought I'd miss Rodney McKay being a member of my team."

"Well, chemistry doesn't happen overnight." Landry tells him.

That was one thing he and Rodney did have, chemistry. John has seen as much of Rodney as he has been able to since getting back to Earth. Rodney calls him on the phone constantly and they spend weekends together. It's only a 2 hour flight to Vegas. Still, he misses Rodney an awful lot. He misses… _God, he really misses Rodney._

While John is still in the gate room, Woolsey and General O'Neill, the two 'diplomats' the Ancients have allowed to stay behind, dial in for their regular check in from Pegasus. Landry invites John to view the live video link.

O'Neill and Woolsey say that the Replicators are about to make a run at Atlantis but the Ancients are unconcerned since the base code makes it impossible for them to harm their creators. According to the Ancients, if the humans had stayed, they would have just lost the city to the machines.

Wanting to feel involved again somehow, John offers to provide whatever intel he can on the Replicators but Landry tells him they have it all under control. _Yep. Got it, Atlantis doesn't need him anymore._ John's so sick of these pointless missions scouting out uninhabited planets in the Milky Way. He misses everything the way it used to be. Grimacing, he makes his way back to his office.

In frustration he throws some darts at the board on his wall, picking up the phone absently when it rings. Rodney. He suppresses a knowing smile. Even though Rodney calls a little too often and he hates talking on the phone, John has to admit, he finds these constant calls somewhat comforting.

Once again, he listens to Rodney complain about area 51, "I hate it here."

"How is that possible?" John asks sarcastically.

"It's true," Rodney continues rehashing a conversation they've had too many times before.

John hates talking about all this, it just reminds him how much everything has changed "Look they gave you everything you wanted, your own lab…." John fiddles abstractly with something on his desk.

"Yeah, it's too big." Rodney whines.

"Handpicked assistants…"

"Yeah," Rodney agrees, "Sycophants, every one of them."

"Even your own choice of projects." John picks up a model fighter plane thinking about how much he wishes he was still flying.

"Well, that's not true." Rodney disagrees.

Twirling the plane in his hand, John wonders why he is trying to talk Rodney out of feeling miserable when he's so miserable himself, "Well, other than going back to Atlantis, I mean."

"You know, the truth is, I…"

"What?" He can almost hear Rodney gesturing over the phone; he knows just what Rodney looks like when he gets this way -all fast and nervous, trying to get something uncomfortable over with.

"Yeah, I don't wanna use the term 'lonely,' but ah, there are certain people who… I miss."

"Me?" John smiles knowingly.

Rodney makes a dismissive sound but John knows his face has gone red. Rodney is flustered and trying to cover it up, "You? You, I'm talking to on the phone right now and having dinner with tomorrow, so not so much."

John makes a silent face over the phone. _Whatever you say Rodney, I know you miss me._

"But other people, people who I may never see again. Like even Elizabeth, she hasn't returned any of my calls."

"I know what you mean." The sadness John has been trying to keep away settles deep into his chest with a heavy thud.

"Hey, at least you still get to go off-world with a team of your own."

"Oh yeah, the best and the brightest." John quips derisively but doesn't elaborate, "All right, see you tomorrow night." He hangs up before Rodney can sense his own feelings of loss. Tomorrow he'll be in better spirits.

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* * *

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.

"Yeah, wouldn't miss it." Rodney is overcome with sentiment; even though he calls John constantly, he's never really said how much he misses him, Hey, you know, I…"

And then he realizes he is talking to a dead phone, "Yeah."

Damn it. John is always doing that to him. Blinking at the phone in his hand, Rodney makes a face. He hates it when John does that. Whatever, he's flying into Colorado Springs tomorrow, he'll get to see John then.

But Rodney worries that he is being too needy and that it will drive John away. The two of them have been getting so close lately but he feels stupid for his sudden bout of emotion.

The two of them will have dinner with Carson tomorrow, then they'll head back to his old apartment that he and John use on the weekends when Rodney visits. It won't be the same as when there are at Rodney's place in Nevada, but they'll still watch a movie like they always do at night. It's just Rodney much prefers lounging out on the fold-out couch to the one back at his old apartment.

There was a deliberate reason Rodney got the new couch; he'd constantly wished he had an excuse to be in the same bed with John when they were back in Atlantis, so the first thing he bought for his little place on the outskirts of Vegas was a fold-out couch. In fact, the only reason he rented the house at all was to have a place to be with John on the weekends. Otherwise he would have just stayed on base like he did the rest of the week.

The first weekend John came to visit him Nevada, Rodney had set up the bed with mounds of blankets and pillows so that it seemed more like the perfect reclining 'couch' –just one they could both fit on. He'd stocked the fridge full John's favorite beer and set out all the goodies and drinks atop TV trays strategically placed on each of the side tables.

John had raised his eyebrows but didn't offer any complaints as he joined Rodney, lounging back onto the pillows and asking, "So what are we watching?"

Two beers, a movie and half later, Rodney had been sleepy enough to roll to his side and pull one of the blankets over himself.

"You're gonna miss the end." John nudged him.

"Mmmnngh, too many beers."

John laughed. "You only had two."

"M' Sleepy'" Rodney mumbled, hoping John wouldn't object to his plan to stay with him on the guest bed.

He felt the weight of the bed shift and John's shoulder bumping against his back, "You're ridiculous." John's tone sounded soft.

Pretending to be asleep, Rodney stayed still.

And then to his sheer delight, John settled back down on the pillows next to Rodney, close enough that his arm was still making contact with Rodney's back. Smiling into his pillow Rodney let himself blissfully drift off.

Sometime later, Rodney started from his sleep to feel John stirring again, moving some of the blankets and pillows. John settled down on his side next to Rodney. And then one of his arms slid over Rodney's blanket, hugging his chest and pulling Rodney close.

In shock Rodney's eyes popped open for minute, then he squeezed them shut and stilled his breath. His chest warm with desire, he'd wanted to turn around and pull John even closer but he knew it would be a mistake. He'd tried that before and he knew it would only put an end to whatever this new intimacy was that had begun to slowly develop between them. He fantasized that maybe if he just let John be in control, maybe in time John would reach out for something more.

And while things would never be what Rodney really wished for, John did reach out for more. They played golf that second day and John spent a lot of time pressed up behind him, his arms over Rodney's, holding them in the correct position to help with his swing. It reminded Rodney of the days when John was teaching him how to shoot. It seemed like John was using every chance he had to touch him and have physical contact; John kept touching his arm affectionately or pulling at him impatiently to follow him; Rodney just let it happen, forcing himself not to reach back.

At every opportunity, John would correct Rodney's posture, standing behind him and leaning in for far too long to really be about golf. Rodney let himself relax into it, the two of them pressing into each other, breathing together without saying a word.

Then John would slowly let go and back away saying something like, "Think you got it this time?" acting as if there was no sexual tension between them.

Rodney would keep looking across the green and make some vague response about how maybe he still needed more help with the backswing thing.

That second night Rodney had been confident enough to make himself at home on the guest bed right away, not even waiting for John, he'd put in a movie he'd picked up as joke.

Walking in from the kitchen, John took a swing of beer and frowned at the screen, "Are you serious?"

Rodney shrugged and did his best to keep a poker face as he stared straight ahead at the movie "Beaches" playing on the screen.

John set down his beer and jumped up on the bed, knees folded next to Rodney, "I don't know McKay," his voice taking on that taunting tone, "I hear it's a real tearjerker, might be too much for you to handle."

"Oh, so you _have_ seen it?," Rodney smirked, biting the inside of his lip to keep himself from laughing.

Getting closer on the bed, John's head leaned onto Rodney's shoulder, patting him on the chest, "I just want you to know, that no matter what happens, I'm here for you buddy."

He'd tried his best to outlast John, to win the game of who would break first, but after 15 minutes, Rodney had to get up, "Okay, fine you win. I can't watch this anymore."

"Oh, no. Not so fast." John's arms pushed him back to the couch, "I know in your heart this is what you really want, McKay."

John's face had been so close to his in that moment. And then it was just the two of them staring at each other with John's words hanging in the air between them _'I know in your heart this is what you really want McKay'_

Rodney licked his lips, "It seems more like you're the one that really wants it."

As soon as Rodney said the words the playfulness fell away from John's expression, he blinked a few times and little furrow appeared on his brow; but he didn't back away. For what seemed like an eternity it was just the two of them breathing together, their lips just inches away. But then Rodney sensed a subtle shift in John's expression; he knew him well enough to see John was closing down.

Suddenly John released Rodney from his hold and got up to change the movie, "I think, ah," John's voice took on a playful tone again, "Sometimes it's better just to leave some movies unwatched."

Believing he'd pushed John too far, Rodney'd been surprised when John quickly returned to his original position, nested up against Rodney as the action movie started playing. So, later that night Rodney again dared stay on the guest bed, turning on his side and pulling a blanket over himself as he started to get tired.

To his utter disbelief, John clicked off the movie and turned to lay with his chest against Rodney's back; His arm reached over Rodney side and his face seemed to burrow between Rodney's shoulder blades.

"You know I'm still awake, right?" Rodney blurted out in confusion, then bit his lip, kicking himself for ruining the moment.

"Mmm" Something about the tone in the soft mumble made Rodney realize that there was something fragile about John in that moment.

"Are you okay?" Rodney asked gently.

"Mmm" _Interpretation: No._

Rodney lifted his hand to place it over John's, "Are you still having flashbacks, like nightmares?"

"Sometimes."

His heart lurched and Rodney softly trailed his fingertips over John's hand, "Sorry." He whispered, "Wish I could make it better."

John's hand clasped his and their fingers interlaced, barely audible as he answered "This feels better."

It made everything feel better for Rodney too. He must have drifted off soon after because the next thing Rodney remembered was John on the other side of the bed, thrashing in his sleep.

"John" Rodney shook his shoulder to wake him and he lurched up panting, eyes wide with adrenaline.

Rodney reached out gingerly to place his hand on his shoulder again, "John."; timidly he asked, "Let me hold you?"

John shuddered and exhaled before nodding without meeting Rodney's eyes. Laying on his back Rodney urged him back down and John curled up into the side of his chest like he had that night when he told Rodney about Lyle.

Protectively placing an arm around John's back, Rodney had stayed awake until John's breathing slowed down into a cadence of slumber once more. It hadn't mattered then that John said he was broken, a train wreck, or whatever else it was that kept him from wanting to be with Rodney. All Rodney cared about was that John let him be as close as knew how to be.

And in the weeks that followed they stayed close, sleeping on the fold-out every time John came to visit; sometimes just next to each other, sometimes nestled closer. In a way, sleeping together at night was more innocent than John's constant touching and flirtatiousness during their days spent together.

.  
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	45. I missed you too Rodney

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.

When Rodney exits the airplane gate, he sees John smiling at him. His heart quickens in excitement and he finds himself hurrying across the crowded room. As he gets close he realizes that he is practically running, flustered he stops a few feet shy.

John's eyes crinkle at him as he grabs Rodney into a fierce hug, "C'mere"

"Okay" Rodney exhales and gives a small laugh at John's stubble tickling his neck. This just isn't usually the kind of they thing do; their affection for each other is usually shown in a more surreptitious way.

"See, I knew you missed me" John growls humorously.

"Did not." Rodney lifts a hand to push himself away but his hand stays on John's chest, mesmerized by the feel of him; John doesn't seem to mind and Rodney wonders what brought on this uncharacteristic embrace.

"You're the one hugging me" Rodney mumbles in the snarkiest voice he can muster.

"That so?" John sounds amused and Rodney realizes that his other arm is wrapped around John's waist, holding him just as tight.

"I-I mean, you started it." Rodney flushes as John makes no move to let go.

Realizing that John feels hot under his tight black shirt, Rodney's hand slides further up his chest until he can feel the skin on John's collarbone under his fingers. His mouth twitches in a small smirk noting that John is flushed too.

One of John's hands is cupped around the back of Rodney's neck and he realizes that John probably knows just how affected he is as well.

"You hungry?" John's voice sounds nervous.

Rodney swallows hard hoping his voice doesn't sound too quaky, "When am I not?"

John sighs and begins to release his hold and Rodney shakily steps back afraid to meet John's eyes, wondering how red his face is right now.

He feels John rubbing his arm, "Then let's grab your luggage and get down to the restaurant."

"Yeah." Rodney runs a hand through his hair, "Ah, luggage." Dazed, he looks around before he remembers the way, "Luggage."

As John drives them to meet Carson, Rodney fills John in on all the latest annoying things his research assistants have been doing. He realizes that John is being oddly quiet and wonders if he has already told John these stories. Probably.

But Rodney still feels nervous and flustered about the hug earlier and when he's nervous he's prone to talk. He can't stop himself as he rambles on about how he's thinking about getting his cat back from his neighbor now that it seems like they're back on Earth for good.

"I guess it just took a while to sink in, you know, that we aren't going back."

John breaks his silence, "So I got a better couch."

"What do you mean?" Since they've been using Rodney's old apartment on the weekends when he visits Colorado Springs Rodney is confused, "You mean you got a place of your own?"

"No, I just got a better couch."

"So, what happened to _my_ couch?"

John glances at him and returns his attention to the road, "It was replaced by a fold-out couch. You know, like the one you have - better for watching movies and…stuff".

At a loss for words, Rodney lifts his brows in surprise.

"I didn't think you'd be upset."

"I'm not." Rodney tries to suppress a smile but fails, he turns his head to look out the window to hide his grin. "Yeah, that sounds, ah, more comfortable."

John pulls into the parking lot of the restaurant and turns off the ignition, "Rodney?"

He's learned to interpret the various intonations of John's voice when he says his name, this time it sounds almost plaintive.

"What is it, John?" Rodney licks his dry lips.

"I've just been thinking about something you said a long ago." John lightly touches the top of Rodney's hand.

Wha-" Rodney inhales sharply, "What did I say?"

"I uh," John pulls his hand back and rubs the back of his head, "Look we should probably get in there. But later tonight…" John flits his eyes up to Rodney's and they seem almost vulnerable under his long lashes, "I'm looking forward to later tonight."

Blinking wide Rodney gets a rush of butterflies in his stomach hoping against hope that John might mean he is open to letting more develop between them romantically, "Tell me now!" Rodney demands, "You know I can't stand waiting for anything."

John smiles and closes his hand again over Rodney's with a squeeze, "I don't know, I haven't really thought it through, let's talk after dinner."

John starts to open the car door, but Rodney holds his other hand in place, "What was it that I said, what were you thinking about?"

Sighing John shakes his head, "I just haven't been happy since we got back and things don't feel right. I mean, I know they weren't right before, but now I just... I think I've made a lot of mistakes."

Rodney waits hoping John will elaborate.

"There are a lot of things I wish I'd done differently. I don't know what I'm trying to say except, maybe I need to try to change some of it… Maybe holding everything inside is impossible. You know," John pauses and speaks more quietly, "sometimes I wish I knew how to stop holding back."

Taking a shaky breath, Rodney leans forward trying to get John to meet his eye, "Do you mean-

"We should go in." John cuts him off abruptly and steps out of the car.

Frozen to his seat, Rodney's mind is reeling. Could John possibly mean- No. No, he's probably just talking about the nightmares. His heart is racing and Rodney tells himself that he's got to stop this, stop reading more into things with John. _'Don't go there, McKay'._ Okay. Dinner. Rodney steps out of the car and follows John into the restaurant.

.

.

When they get inside Rodney is shocked to see Elizabeth sitting at the table with Carson.

"Wow, Hey it's, ah, good to see you." He tells her, "I mean long time no see."

"Or returned phone calls." John chides humorously.

"Sorry about that, I've been…" Elizabeth looks guilty, "Well, adjusting."

"Aye," Carson jumps in, "I think we've all of have some problems adjusting to a life more…"

"Boring?" John suggests

They all laugh at that and as they eat together it begins to feel almost like old times to Rodney, almost like they are back in the Atlantis cafeteria. He has really missed how it felt there, like he had a place where he belonged.

The conversation hums along pleasantly until Elizabeth asks John if he's been seeing anyone.

"Uh…" John pauses uncomfortably, briefly flitting his eyes to Rodney.

Seeing Carson giving him an odd expression, Rodney looks away. But Elizabeth doesn't seem to notice. Desperately he tries to think of something to say to shift the conversation away from this topic.

If Elizabeth asks him about his love life, he'll probably go all red. And then Carson will know that he's been letting himself get all wrapped up again, in whatever this ambiguous thing with John is that he can't seem to let go of. The last thing he wants right now is a lecture from Carson about the dangers of getting too close to Colonel Sheppard. All he wants is to curl up on that couch with John later.

Before he can think of anything, John asks Carson if he's kept in touch with Cadman, suggesting he should give her a call.

Knowing about their recent breakup and how difficult it was for Carson, Rodney wishes they could just get back to talking about things that didn't involve relationships.

Carson keeps his reply brief and tells John and Elizabeth that it didn't work out between the two of them, "May have something to do with our first kiss being through Rodney."

"Oh," Rodney spits his soup back into the bowl, "we made a solemn vow never to speak of that again."

Fortunately before Elizabeth can ask Rodney about his personal life, she decides that it's getting late and she should call it a night. But before they can all say their final goodbyes, everyone's phone starts ringing. Well, everyone except Carson.

"I didn't bring my bloody cell phone with me." Carson exclaims, "What's happening?"

There seems to be some kind of emergency related to Atlantis so the four of them hurry to the SGC. General Landry shows them an SOS message he received from O'Neill and Woolsey requesting immediate evacuation, as Atlantis is under attack by Replicators

Apparently the machines figured out how to override their programming and most of the city has been lost already, "I was informed they had a law written into their base code that made it impossible for them to harm the Ancients." Landry glowers at the team, "How the hell did this happen?"

John and Elizabeth eye Rodney subtly. He speaks up and confesses that it is remotely possible that in trying to rewrite the base code, he may have opened the door for them to make other changes

Landry is furious but sets aside the matter of how it happened for the moment, telling them, "What I need from you is…" he pulls up a schematic of Atlantis, "What's the best way to get a nuke past the shield?"

Carson is the first to answer, "Well, I have no idea."

"I didn't call you in, Doctor." Landry gives him a dismissive look.

The team tries to make a case for mounting a rescue mission, but Landry won't hear of it saying Atlantis is the Gateway to Earth and he is following General O'Neill's standing orders to prevent any threat from the Pegasus galaxy from ever reaching the Milky Way.

The Daedalus will be arriving at Atlantis in a little under 4 days and he demands that they come up with an immediate solution to get a nuke past its shield.

After General Landry leaves, the group makes its way to a private area to discuss the how it could be possible to save Atlantis from destruction. First of all, those Anti-Replicator weapons Colonel Carter developed could come in handy. They lose effectiveness over time, Rodney furrows his brow in thought, but if they could find a way to get all of them at once somehow…

Elisabeth interrupts his train of thought by reminding the group that not only would they have to find a way back to Atlantis, all the Replicators would need to do to keep them out is to activate the gate's shield.

Rodney lifts his hand, "Well, I did write a backdoor to the shield program... a couple years ago, when Kolya stormed the city. So, I mean, it could hypothetically let us into the Gate Room."

Elizabeth asks Rodney conspiratorially, "General Landry was worried about the Replicators rewriting the bridge macro to gate them somewhere else in the Milky Way. Does that mean you could change the macro, take us somewhere else in Pegasus?"

John lifts his arms innocently, "Somewhere like, uh, just talking hypothetically here, the Athosian settlement where Teyla and Ronon are?"

"We'd need a Jumper." Rodney answers enthusiastically, his mind already anticipating the questions from his teammates are asking about how to get access to the gate. If he could just get access to Dr. Lee's computer, he could not only access a Jumper but rewrite some protocols and get them through the stargate without Landry closing the iris on them. Dr. Lee always was such a sucker for World of Warcraft… if he could coach Elizabeth on what to say about the videogame, it might be the perfect distraction…

"Hypothetically." Elizabeth adds the caveat as if their plot is merely speculation.

"Of course." Carson shrugs innocently.

But they all know, one way or another, they are going to do this.

.

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* * *

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.

Once they all agree that their plan is no longer a hypothetical and that they are actually going through with it, John feels a weight lift off his chest. Consequences be damned, he doesn't care if he gets court marshalled and loses his job. There was a time when his lifelong career was all he had left but now the idea of losing it doesn't seem so bad. In fact, it might make some things easier with Rodney…

 _Shit._ John reaches out and stops Rodney before he and Elizabeth can leave for Dr. Lee's office, "Wait, there's something we haven't covered."

"What is it?" Carson asks.

"I just need to talk to Rodney alone for a minute." John presses his lips together, "Just, ah, make sure we've worked out all the glitches."

Seeing the enthusiasm drop from Rodney's face and his mouth open in protest, John quickly grabs him by the arm before he can start ranting. Once they are out of earshot John hisses, "Just hold it until we're alone."

John opens a door and looks inside, "No one here." he nods his head for Rodney to join him.

"Look," Rodney launches in, "you and I both know I can do this, and if we're going to make it happen I don't have time to explain all the little details, which you couldn't possibly grasp, in order to alleviate your doubts."

"Rodney!" John grasps him by both shoulders to stop the tirade, "I'm not doubting you. I'm doubting whether we should really do this because…" John sighs and his hands clasp Rodney more gently, "I don't know if it's worth the risk of you being hurt again."

"I assure you I'm more than capable-" suddenly the bluster falls away and Rodney understands, "Oh." The color drains from his face.

Under his hands John can feel Rodney's shoulders shrink and curl in on themselves; he mutters, "I hadn't thought about that, I was just so excited to think we could…" Rodney's eyes fall to the floor.

John remembers seeing Rodney that day he was stooped over the balcony, stepping up on a rung like he was going to jump; and later how he told John that he felt like he wanted to die "I know we all want to save Atlantis but I can't let anything like that happen to you again." John's hands rub Rodney's hunched shoulders.

"You can't do it without me." Rodney lifts his gaze and blinks stubbornly.

"I know, but-", Without thinking John wraps his arms around Rodney and pulls him close; Rodney presses his face against John's chest and hugs him back.

God. It feels so good to hold Rodney like this; this is how he imagined spending the night with Rodney later. He'd wanted to tell Rodney that he made a mistake pushing him away and that HE didn't want to be the one holding back anymore. He doesn't ever want to let go, for so many years he's needed to hold Rodney like this. He's fought against the tidal pull of want and desire but he can't hold back anymore.

It's probably too late to change the past, but even though Rodney likely has no interest in him anymore, John wants him to know why he was so afraid, why he is still so afraid. And that he didn't mean to be so heartless. He'd wanted to spend the night holding Rodney close, not taking him back to face the machines that hurt him so badly.

"I can do this John." Rodney's voice vibrates against his chest.

"If we do this," John tightens his hold protectively, "I want you to stay with me, you don't leave my side." He can feel Rodney's head nodding against him.

.  
.

Once the plan is underway and they have broken through the shield, John pairs everyone into teams; He stands a little closer to Rodney than usual, "McKay you're with me."

After everything Rodney told him about how the Replicators tortured him, he won't risk letting Rodney out of his sight.

After a good deal of bickering and a lot of rewrites to their initial plan, they succeed in retaking the city by disrupting all the nanite bonds at once with a modified pulse that Rodney designs. _Yep. That's a little bit of that McKay magic that John's missed._ And despite defying orders, O'Neill rewards them for the grand rescue, doesn't fire them, and lets John return the expedition to Atlantis.

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* * *

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.

The lackluster projects at Area 51 are behind him now and Rodney is back where he belongs. The city has been returned to them new and improved since the Replicators repaired so many of the systems while they were in control. Even the Stardrive is online; they might've even had the chance to power it up if the IOA had left them with all 3 ZPMs.

Rodney wishes he could have taken the fold-out couch back with him, but given how grumpy Landry had been at the time, Rodney hadn't dared to ask to bring back any frivolous items like bulky furniture. Maybe later he could try to order a bigger bed from Earth and have it brought back when the Daedalus makes one of its trips between the two galaxies. He wonders how John would react to that, would he join Rodney in an actual bed? Probably not. But he can't stop himself from fantasizing that one day John might change his mind and want him again.

It's a stupid fantasy, he knows no matter how close they are, John only sees him as a friend. And John has been a good friend to him. He'd been really touched by how much concern John had shown for him. Even though Rodney hadn't been hurt in the struggle with the Replicators, John had taken him aside again after the fight was over, just to talk for a while and make sure he was okay.

Rodney had ventured to ask John if he was still having trouble sleeping, still having nightmares. John hadn't answered but the look on his face told Rodney all he needed to know. It had given him a perfect opportunity to renew his invitation to John, to remind him that he was always welcome in Rodney's quarters anytime he wanted to come by.

"See, Rodney," John had smiled, "I knew you missed me."

Out of habit Rodney had protested, "I didn't. Well, 'miss' is a strong word, but maybe. -All right, fine. I missed you."

He had expected some teasing in return, but when he looked back at John, the expression was sincere, eyes penetrating.

John's voice had been low as he spoke, "I missed you too, Rodney."

That's when Rodney knew he was losing control, that he was in too deep to keep any kind of safe distance, he had fallen through that fine line he told himself he was walking with John. He had fallen beyond the point of ever redeeming his heart from the man he loved; and the futility of it didn't matter anymore; in truth, he'd always been lost to John.

For a moment as Rodney stared back into John's eyes, it felt like John was there with him. But Rodney knew better, he remembered what happened last time he made that mistake. It nearly cost him the friendship.

.  
.

As the weeks go by, John spends nearly every night on Rodney's couch. Carson has noticed how much time Rodney is spending with John these days and presses him for details. At first, Rodney tries to deny that anything has changed, but then he gives in and confesses everything. Well, except the stuff John told him in confidence. He confesses that he is still madly in love with John, that he can't stop himself because nothing has ever felt better.

Carson shakes his head, "Rodney, I just don't want to see you get hurt… And I think there is a strong possibility that-"

"I know-I know." Rodney cuts him off, "It's just, I mean, I'm trying to reel myself back in. For a while, I was managing okay. It's not like I'm going to try to kiss him again or anything like that. I know he doesn't feel the same way, but I just want to be around him. Is that so wrong, to, just…?"

"No, but Rodney…" Carson sighs, "Just keep in mind… I think when it comes to the Colonel, he is a bit confused about boundaries. Friends hang out, sure. They don't spend every night on the couch. I think, you just have a basic human need for companionship and a real relationship would do you good."

"Right." Rodney winces sarcastically, "Sure, that's the ticket. I'll just pick one out, because that's so easy."

"What about Katie Brown," Carson suggests, "she seemed-"

"Oh. Don't remind me of that disaster." Rodney groans.

"Fine. I won't. Just, Rodney? Be careful."

.

.

* * *

.

.

John joins Rodney on the deck. For a moment, he just gazes at him. Rodney is looking out over the water with a pair of binoculars; somehow he manages to be sexy, adorable, and handsome all at the same time. Standing there watching him, John feels like there is something he needs to say, but he can't find the words.

"Hmmm." Rodney pulls the glasses away from his eyes. "Hey, how long have you been standing there?"

"Hour or so." John says with a straight face.

"What?" Rodney squeaks, "Why didn't you say anything? I feel like a…" Closing his eyes, Rodney leans his head back "Oh. It's the kidding."

 _'Yeah… Missed you too, Rodney.'_ "What did you want to show me?" John asks.

"Right there." Rodney points out a spot in the distance.

"Wow." John teases, "All that… water."

"Just wait for it." Rodney is singsong.

A whale breaches the waves and Rodney smiles, "It's my friend. He's back."

John has to admit it is kind of cool. The two of them stand out in the ocean air taking turns with the binoculars and joking around. Lately, John has really been missing those weekends back on Earth when he and Rodney would sleep next to each other.

It's harder being on Atlantis, trying to hide the fact that he spends so many evenings on McKay's couch. He knows it would probably ruin everything between them if he tried to reach out for more, but his feelings for Rodney are so intense, it's hard not to just want to grab him and pull him in.

There are a multitude of fears that keep him from acting on this urge. The fact that he is still disgusted with himself for wanting to be with another man, the fact that he's hurt Rodney before, and that Rodney probably doesn't even want John anymore…

And on the remote chance Rodney wouldn't scream at him again and accuse him of not having a heart, well, John would probably end up getting fired. Then he'd have lost everything, Rodney, Atlantis, his career…

Still, standing with Rodney here on the balcony all John can feel is the ache of what is missing. It's hard holding himself at a distance even though he doesn't really know how to let himself be closer. To get his bearings, John finally excuses himself from the whale watching, he has plenty of other things that he should really be taking care of.

.  
.

Later, while walking with Elizabeth, Rodney runs up to them playfully, rambling on in his adorable way about what he's found out about these whale-like creatures in the Ancient database.

With a playful glint in his eye Rodney holds up a computer screen for John to see,

"And what is that?" Elizabeth asks

"That's Rodney's whale friend." John says in his teasing tone.

Of course, this causes Rodney to go on a long winded explanation about how technically it isn't actually a whale.

"And why are you studying this?" Elizabeth seems perplexed.

"Oh. 'Cause he's out there right now, circling the city. Sheppard and I saw him." Rodney's eyes light up with exuberance, "Probably the very same whale that saved me last year when I was trapped in that submerged Jumper."

John frowns at him for the lack of appreciation, "I thought Zelenka and I saved you?"

"Well, you did, technically, but only after Sam led you to me."

Elizabeth and John both cock their heads in amusement at the name Rodney has given it.

"Sam?" Elizabeth asks.

"Ah, it's the whale." Rodney admits, "I named him after Sam -mantha Carter. Personal reasons."

"You named him Samantha Carter?" John pushes his brows together in a mixture of distaste and jealousy.

"Well, Sam's a boy's name too." Rodney argues.

John presses his lips together to stop himself from laughing. Made even more difficult by the fact that when Elizabeth asks how Rodney knows it's male, he tries to show her a picture of the whale's reproductive anatomy.

Elizabeth cuts him off, "Oh, it's okay, never mind. I'll take your word for it." She casts her gaze from John to Rodney, "I trust this little diversion isn't actually cutting into your work time?"

"Oh, no, no," Rodney tells her earnestly, "No, of course not. No, I'm just dabbling in my free time."

She nods and turns to go, "All right then boys. Dabble away."

John and Rodney exchange guilty looks when Elizabeth leaves, they both know that since they got back to Atlantis they've spent a lot of time 'dabbling' when they should be working on other things.

As John walks with Rodney to the lab, he tries to think of something to get him riled up; Rodney is so cute when he's flustered, "So these whales. Did the Ancients say they're good eating?"

Rodney falls for it, "Oh, you wouldn't."

"I would." John decides to see how long he can keep this going.

"No." Rodney protests, "You can't. I forbid it."

"You can't forbid me, Rodney."

"Yes, well…" Rodney looks sincerely distressed, "Then, please. There's plenty of other food, and, just, just for me, maybe don't eat, Sam?"

Realizing he's actually upset Rodney, "Hey," John slings in arm over his shoulder, "I'm only teasing you because it's just too funny how easily you are provoked."

"Oh. It's the kidding." Rodney makes a face at him and still seems annoyed.

"You know," John stops him at looks at him affectionately, "I only tease people I like, right?"

Rodney's face slowly lights up. He is so beautiful when he smiles like that, it makes John's heart skip.

"Fine. I should probably get back to work." Rodney lifts a finger, "but if I find you eating anything suspicious, I will end you."

John laughs at Rodney's retreating figure, calling after him and shaking his head. "End me?"

.  
.

John tries to get some work done but less than an hour later he pops by Rodney's lab to see how his whale research is going. It bothers him more than it should that Rodney insists on calling the sea creature 'Sam' after his unrequited crush; he tells him to stop because it's creepy. Of course Rodney pays him no attention and goes on doing as he pleases.

John leans over his shoulder watching what are now multiple gigantic whales on the underwater scanner. Caught up in Rodney's enthusiasm, John raises his brows, "Hey, wanna take a closer look?"

Without waiting for a reply, John starts out of the lab to head to a Jumper but Rodney catches up and grabs his arm, "Wait up! If I'm going underwater again in one of those things I'm going to need some Dramamine."

"Dramamine?" John smirks at him, "What are you 12?"

"You know what," Rodney glares at him and waves his hand dismissively, "just meet me in the Jumper Bay

.  
.

As John pilots the Jumper out, he flies at a painstakingly slow speed, glancing to Rodney occasionally, "Not going too fast for you am I?"

Rodney rolls his eyes, "Take your time Colonel, I'm in no hurry."

But as they get closer to the water and start to dive down, he notices Rodney fidgeting and taking deep breaths.

John looks over to the copilot chair, asking in all seriousness, "You all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Rodney waves his hand, "I never feel safe in these things underwater."

"In space, you're okay?" John jokes.

"Yeah, of course I am." Rodney sounds confused, "Why wouldn't I be?"

John bites his lip in amusement; Rodney is the quirkiest person he knows.

As they get within visual range, a splitting pain shoots through John's head and he lifts his hand to rub his eyes. Rodney immediately notices and seems worried but John shakes it off telling Rodney it's just a headache.

But as they get closer to the gigantic sea creatures, John sees Rodney wince in pain, lifting a hand to his head. Looking at him in concern John asks what's wrong. When Rodney says his head is hurting too John feels his protective instinct go into overdrive. Knowing this can't be a coincidence, he steers the ship, trying to get away from the creatures but they seem to be everywhere now.

Looking at Rodney, he does a double take. "Rodney?"

"What?"

John tries to hide his growing sense of alarm, "Your nose is bleeding."

 _Dammit. Every way he turns, one of them blocks his way out._

One of the whales arcs in front of the window cutting off John's path again and he grits his teeth in frustration. His head feels like it's going to explode.

Rodney's breath hitches and he collapses onto the console, unconscious. John panics and pulls the Jumper into a hard arc heading straight up for the surface; He yells into the coms. "Rodney's passed out. His ears are bleeding. We gotta get out of the water."

John feels his ears; they are also bleeding. If he can't get them out of here, he's going to pass out too. _Focus, John._ His hands, grip the controls, if he can stay conscious just a little longer, they can make it. Finally they breach the surface, "We're out of the water. Rodney's in trouble. Have a medical team ready."

.  
.


	46. He and Rodney have been getting so close

.

.

When John sees Rodney wake up on the stretcher next to him, he feels a rush of relief. He can't seem to hear much of anything but after resting for a while he's starting to feel better. Rodney immediately picks up his tablet and begins fiddling with it.

Not having anything of his own to occupy him, John starts to get bored; he looks over to Rodney, speaking loudly, "Pains going away. Think my hearing's gettin' better too. What about you? …Rodney!"

Rodney keeps working on his tablet and doesn't look up. To see if he's just ignoring him John tells him that the Canadian Football League's a joke, but Rodney still doesn't look up. ' _What else is Canadian?'_ John makes a comment about Celine Dion being overrated. Still nothing. Okay, Rodney might not care about that.

Oh. Then John thinks of the perfect zinger, something that would definitely get Rodney to react, "Zelenka is smarter than you are!" he yells.

Rodney seems undisturbed and turns a moment later, shouting, "Hey! I found mention of a bio-lab in the database! Ancient scientists used it to study animal life! We should check it out!"

"Okay. …Meredith." John taunts.

Still nothing.

More people are joining them in the infirmary, bleeding from the echolocation of the now hundreds of whales swarming around the city. Some are even having hallucinations, calling them ghosts. John and Rodney decide to check out this bio-lab and see if they can turn up some information about what's going on. They follow Rodney's sensor readings into a formally flooded section of the city.

Suddenly, Rodney puts his fist up to indicate a full stop.

It takes some willpower not to burst out laughing. It always cracks John up when Rodney tries to do military signals. But Rodney just keeps holding his fist up with that serious expression while glancing at his tablet.

John can't help it; he walks up to Rodney's hand, grabs it, and pulls it down.

Undeterred, Rodney yanks his arm away, pointing and yelling, "This is it!"

As they walk into the lab the lights flicker on and Rodney walks up to a huge screen that displays some kind of large wave frequencies. John walks up close behind him wondering if Rodney's hearing is still as bad as his.

Just then, Rodney bends forward on the console and his butt almost bumps into John since he is standing so close. Smirking, John steps back a little and looks at it.

"Nice ass." He cracks.

Rodney waves his hand like he will listen to John once he is done with whatever important settings he is attending too. John is sure that would've provoked a response if Rodney heard him.

He bites his lip, eyeing Rodney's very fine round and gravity defying ass. He remembers what it was like to squeeze it, how firm it felt under his palm, and… Oh God, how tight it felt when John had his cock inside it. An electric flutter of arousal runs deep through his stomach and groin.

He takes a sharp breath, "God you make me want to fuck you when you-" he stops himself in shock that he just said that out loud.

"Did you say something?" Rodney turns around.

"Yes." John's pulse quickens.

"Well…?" Rodney gestures impatiently.

John smiles to cover up the nervous flutter in his chest. He steps forward again standing a few inches from Rodney's face, "I was just thinking…" John leans to place one arm on the console, "Maybe I could help."

Rodney gapes at him then closes his mouth in consternation, "I, uh…" his eyes flit down to John's lips; he seems nervous that they are so close.

Does Rodney want him to back off or is it possible John could ever convince him to get involved with him again? He can't tell by Rodney's expression. A wash of shame flushes through John's body at how much desire he is feeling. But he can't stop himself. His other hand reaches up to the side of Rodney's face, lightly brushing his ear.

"How you feeling? Can you hear me?"

"Uh, oh, you mean my ears." Rodney sounds breathless, "I think they're getting better."

Feeling bolder now, John continues touching the side of Rodney's face, his hand slides over his ear and down the slope of Rodney's jaw, "Good." John licks his lips.

"I was worried about you." John's fingertips tentatively reach around the nape of Rodney's neck.

"O-oh, okay." Rodney looks like he is trying to figure out what is going on.

He wonders if he actually has enough courage to tell Rodney what he is thinking, what he wants. His hand drops away and he steps to Rodney's side by the console, "What do you think this machine is for?" he asks in a louder voice now that they aren't facing each other.

"What do I…" Rodney blinks at him for a minute then shakes his head turning around again, " _That was_ what I was trying to figure out. These sound waves seem to be mimicking the whales."

"You can hear that?"

"Not really but the wave frequencies are obviously-" Rodney turns up a dial and then John can hear it too. "There it is. It looks like they Ancients were studying the whales, maybe even trying to communicate with them." He squints at the script on the screen, deducing that the whales are actually trying to help them, to warn them about something.

As Rodney studies the machine further, they receive an update that the side effects in the city are becoming severe. People are falling gravely ill, suffering mass hallucinations from the effects of echolocation as hundreds of whales are now circling the city. Rodney brings Elizabeth back to the lab to explain, since apparently the Daedalus has arrived, and Caldwell's brilliant plan is to kill the whales.

As Rodney explains what they have learned, John cuts him short to keep him from rambling on too much about the science behind it.

"All sorts of tree-huggy stuff." John adds. He points to Rodney, "Tell them about the ghosts."

"Ah! Not ghosts, image projections." He explains that the whales are projecting them and the machine should be able to translate what the whales are trying to communicate.

He, Elizabeth, and Zelenka wait for McKay to figure out what the whales are trying to warn them about. There is not much for John to do but watch as Rodney toils at the machine trying to learn more. He finds him irresistibly sexy when he's all excited about solving a problem.

Rodney bends back over the machine and John pulls his hand over his mouth to hide the effect it is having on him.

The others leave and John leans against a machine in the far back of the room to keep himself from doing anything he shouldn't. It still doesn't stop him from wanting to.

Since Rodney can't hear him, he tries to talk himself out of it, "It would never work out. It's not like anything could really happen. Jesus, I mean, with a… guy? Not to mention I'd end up getting fired… Yeah," John muses, "it would pretty much be a complete disaster."

Eventually Elizabeth comes back and asks John how Rodney is doing.

"I don't know" John rubs his chin, "He's taking a while. A lot longer than he usually takes."

Rodney straightens up from the console and turns around to face them, "He can hear you, you know."

A shock of fear runs through John's body, wondering if Rodney overheard what he'd said a few minutes earlier. He squeezes his thumb into his chin as his eyes flare wide; Elizabeth is standing right next to him so he quickly composes himself and keeps his voice calm, "Yeah, we know." He answers in his most casual tone.

When Rodney turns away from them to play a possible language interpretation, John buries his face in his hand for a moment and cringes. ' _Jesus Christ, get ahold of yourself, John.'_

.

.

.

Once Rodney has figured it out, he and John race to the control room with the news. The Lantean sun has a turbulent sunspot that erupts with a massive coronal ejection every 15,000 years, one that is beginning right now.

The last time it happened, the Ancients were able to protect the planet by extending their shield, but since Atlantis just gave their shiny new ZPM's to the SGC, the last remaining one will not be sufficient to protect the planet from this extinction level event; there is no time to evacuate everyone before it hits.

John comes up with a plan but Rodney thinks it's crazy.

As the two of them run down the hall to retrieve the remaining ZPM, Rodney can't stop complaining about how stupid it is to attempt this because the Daedalus would have to get suicidally close to sun for it to deflect the dispersal enough from fanning out over the planet.

To get him to shut up him John, stops suddenly in front of him and puts his fist up in the air like he is giving a military signal.

"What is it!" Rodney hisses in alarm.

"I thought I heard something." John raises his brows at Rodney.

"What?"

"Something about this being a stupid plan."

Rodney makes a face, "It _is_ a stupid plan."

"Ah." John makes a fist sign for full stop again.

This time Rodney grabs _his_ arm and pulls it down, "Stop doing that. We're running out of time."

Once they have reached the ZPM Rodney continues to express his reservations in a dramatic fashion. He even goes so far as to take out his tablet and begin sketching a drawing. No, not a drawing, a scribble that is supposed to represent the sun and the deadly effect of its flare as it blots out the planet.

Knowing Rodney means well, John keeps a straight face and repeats everything they have already discussed, "That's why we're taking the ZPM, to strengthen the shield."

Rodney continues to rant in a panicked voice about how even if it works, the heat could kill everyone aboard the Daedalus. John walks over to Rodney's side and sets the ZPM case down. He tries to project assurance but nothing seems to calm Rodney down.

To stop him, John places his hand on Rodney's chest. He tries to convey the protectiveness he feels for him and Rodney seems to sense it, if just for a moment. And then Zelenka radios to say they are out of time, the coronal prominence has begun collapsing.

John pulls his hand back as they beam aboard the Daedalus to carry out the crazy plan. Desperate as it is, it actually works, the Daedalus just barely manages to hold together as the blast wave from the sun hits them.

When they get back to Atlantis, the screen in the control room shows that all the whales began leaving as soon as the threat subsided.

.

.

.

John goes looking for Rodney and finds him out on the balcony again looking for whales. He'd thought they'd all left, but Rodney points one out, breaching the waves nearby; he thinks it's his buddy Sam.

Just then, John has the most overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around Rodney and pull him in; but instead he just pats Rodney on the shoulder before he leaves. There is more he has to get done today before he can meet up with Rodney later. It's become a given that most nights he will meet up with Rodney later.

Over the last couple months, John has felt himself growing closer and closer to Rodney. He has stopped having bad flashbacks or nightmares; he just likes spending the night in Rodney's room.

The two of them lounge on the couch together in the evenings. It feels so comfortable and familiar. John is always looking for a reason to touch Rodney, to tease him and wrestle a little, or prop his feet onto Rodney's lap.

It almost feels like… Well, he doesn't know exactly, but it feels good. Rodney has made it so easy for him to be there. And whether Rodney is there or not, John has gotten used to coming and going whenever he likes.

Sometimes, he straightens up a little, just to help out. But he likes the way the messy room feels. It's just so Rodney. And Rodney has an effect on John that he has come to crave.

It's not even just sexual, of course there is that; but being close with Rodney gives him something he's never felt before -a peace and a deep sense of knowing, of being seen and accepted for who he is. Rodney isn't at all like anyone he's ever known. When John first met him, he'd been attracted to Rodney's looks, but he had no idea what a strange and amazing person he really was.

John wishes that he'd handled things differently in the past. He doesn't know if Rodney would ever still want him that way. And John doesn't really know how to do this… but he knows he would let Rodney kiss him now. He would kiss Rodney back. He would hold him afterward, curl up in bed with him the way he really wants to. He would spend the whole night with Rodney holding him, not just lying nearby or occasionally daring to sling an arm around him.

Of course, letting himself think like this is dangerous,. Right now, he doesn't have to worry too much about what anyone might think of all the time they spend together. But, that is because it is all completely innocent.

If John were to try to have something more, he could lose everything. He tries not to think about it, all of it is so wrong. He shouldn't be thinking about Rodney this way; he shouldn't want to be with a man this way. It would be easier just to shut it all off.

The problem is that something about Rodney makes him feel things, like Rodney knows how to get to his shut-off valve. What's worse, is John doesn't want to stop it. He wants to feel everything with Rodney.

That night they hunker down on the couch and watch a movie. Rodney seems extra tired and starts to drift off halfway through the film. As it gets late, John watches as Rodney's head begins to sag to one side and then his body starts to sink into the sofa.

Sliding forward, John pulls Rodney in and lets his head fall back onto his chest. He wraps his arms around him. Rodney is breathing peacefully. Oh. It feels so right to hold him. John lets his hand sway and brush over Rodney's chest. He has missed the feel of the smooth skin underneath that shirt.

His heart skips as he gazes at Rodney's face and he lets his hand slide up his neck until it is cupping the side of his face. God. He can't believe he wants to kiss him, he's never kissed a guy… never done anything with a guy other than Rodney except a few one night stands. And those encounters were just about sex, nothing personal like this.

But even from the beginning there was something about Rodney that made him long to connect in a different way. No matter how he's tried to fight it, it's only deepened with time. His hand caresses Rodney's face with the tenderness he feels for him. John's thumbs strays over Rodney's lips and traces them lightly.

If John could let go of his fear, he wonders if there is any way Rodney would give him a second chance. For what he doesn't know. Maybe just a chance to be closer. It's what he needs, to be as close to him as he can get. Everything about Rodney just consumes him.

"Oh, Rodney," John whispers, "If I knew how… I would… there's so much I wish I could…" his throat clenches.

 _._

 _._

* * *

 _._

 _._

 _'What do you wish John? Tell me you want me back… Please want me back.'_

He never knows when John is going to reach out for him in some way, just that it is rare and won't last. He savors every moment he gets being close to John. It is probably wrong; Rodney shouldn't let himself do this, but he is so pathetically in love.

Whenever and whatever John wants from him, Rodney will give it. He will give anything for the exquisite and terribly repressed soldier who will never love him back. It doesn't matter; Rodney has belonged to John, ever since he first made him _his_ in Antarctica.

He breathes softly and tries not to break the spell. John is holding him and Rodney doesn't want to do anything that might cause him to let go. Rodney's eyes flutter for a moment as he tries not to shiver at the wonderful sensation of John's finger teasing his lips, the palm gently cupping his jaw.

He is in heaven with his head leaning back into John. Rodney lets himself sink back as the arm holding him moves lightly across his chest. He can't resist it; he's like a moth to the flame. It always ends up hurting but what does it really matter… He has no control anyway.

He hears John softly whisper again, "Rodney."

John has never touched him like this before and he can't help the glimmer of hope in his heart. He lets his eyes open just a hair and gives a soft moan against the touch on his lips. The fingers go still for a moment, then trail along his cheekbone.

"John." It comes out as a quiet rustle; and then Rodney blinks up to see the green eyes rippling back at him, wide, conflicted and intense.

Everything goes deathly still in the moments that follow.

Pressing his lips together for a moment, a flicker of something like pain passes across John's face, "You awake?" he asks Rodney hoarse and hushed.

It seems more like a strange dream that is about to dissolve, "Sort of?" Rodney ventures.

"Sorry." John squeezes his eyes shut and Rodney feels the hand on his face trembling, suddenly pulling away, "I didn't mean to."

Rodney's heart sinks, "You didn't?"

John starts to pull away, "Uh, didn't mean to keep you up. Should probably get some sleep."

The absence of John's arms around him leaves him empty, too deflated to move from his half slumped position, "Sleep." he repeats dully.

Looking questioningly at John, he wants to shake the man, to demand something more, "Why don't you-" Rodney waits for an answer to the question he can't find the words for, but John's eyes are distant now.

"Yeah." Rodney looks away, whatever he wants from John isn't there; he pulls himself off the couch and shuffles to his bed, wondering if John has retreated so far that he'll go sleep in his own room tonight.

As he pulls the covers over his head to hide himself, he hears John speak again, "Rodney?"

He has learned to interpret the various intonations and meanings when John says his name; this one sounds something like sadness or remorse.

"Yeah?" he whispers

John answers with a simple "Goodnight." But the way he says it is so fragile and wavering like he is reaching out again, the syllables resonate with tenderness.

It is enough to make some of the emptiness ebb away.

"Goodnight." Rodney replies and colors the simple word with the emotions he is feeling. ' _I love you, I need you. Please don't go.'_

And then he hears John rustling with the bedding and laying down on the small sofa. He buries his face in the bed pillow and tucks the blanket under his chin consoling himself with the fact the John is at least still in the room with him. But he wishes he'd tried to bring that fold-out couch back. Since they left Earth, it hasn't been the same. He misses sleeping next to John.

.

.


	47. John was going to find the courage

.

.

John shakes his head in amusement at Rodney's hypochondria, this time he seems to believe that a mysterious energy discharge is going to turn him into a monster.

When Carson declares Rodney fit for active duty he argues, "Are you insane? Look, I need to be put under guard. Who knows what I could become?"

Rolling his eyes dramatically, John agrees to be Rodney's sidekick for the afternoon, on the off chance that he might develop any bizarre mutations. They return to the lab where Zelenka is still trying to figure out what the glowy green thing was that came out of the Ancient machine.

When Zelenka sees Rodney he begins teasing him about how he just trying to show off for an attractive woman on the team. He says that's why Rodney got distracted in the first place.

John doesn't know who they are talking about at first, but he will get to the bottom of it. For instance, how hot is she really? Does McKay have a thing for her? And if so, how can John put an end to it before anything happens?

Mentally he kicks himself for being so jealous. He knows he shouldn't, but he's been feeling so possessive of Rodney lately.

"Which one's Esposito?" John asks Zelenka.

"Oh the long, dark hair." Zelenka replies.

Oh. She is hot. John doesn't look up or act interested outwardly but inside he feels venomous, "Oh right, the one with the perfect little-"

"Would you mind?" Rodney interrupts, "We're trying to work here."

Ah. So Rodney _is_ interested, otherwise this kind of talk wouldn't bother him. John feels tense but acts innocent, "For the record, I was going to say smile."

"Mmm," Rodney groans, "yeah, sure you were."

Rodney and Zelenka argue for a bit. Finally, Rodney gets fed up and declares in frustration, "Okay, that's it. I'm going for lunch."

John follows him there, but Rodney seems to be in his own little world as the two of them walk to the cafeteria; he loses track of him somewhere in line.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Despite his growing hunger, Rodney loses interest in his meal as he listens to his teammates talk about him at the next table over.

"How is he doing?" Teyla asks, concerned.

"Same old Rodney." John assures her.

"You sure?" Ronon asks, "He looks a couple pounds heavier to me."

Teyla scolds him, "Ronon."

"What?" Ronon says blithely, "He eats all the time. It's not like he exercises."

And then John says something unforgivable, "Feeding his unhappiness."

Rodney chokes on his food -he doesn't care if it was meant as a joke, John has no right to tell anyone about his unhappiness. Most people would probably think he was perfectly happy, wouldn't they?

He turns around in his chair to confront John, "Hello, I'm right here. I can-"

But they are sitting on the far side of the room, way out of earshot. Rodney twiddles his thumbs and turns back to himself speaking softly, "I can hear you… Huh."

Then he walks over, to confront them in earnest. "For your information" Rodney speaks pointing his finger at Ronon, "I'm exactly the same weight I've been since I got here."

Then he turns his finger to John thinking about how John already knows this, "I need to eat regularly, otherwise I become hypoglycemic. And," Rodney continues with a glare, "I am generally a very happy person."

John has the good sense to look guilty. An intercom saves him, telling the whole team to report to the control room. Rodney is not done with him; John will be getting quite an earful later.

When the team gets back from the mission it is clear that Rodney really is displaying some kind of mutation. Singlehandedly, he disarmed all the Wraith just by 'thinking' the weapons out of their hands.

Once they are all in the infirmary, Elizabeth asks in concern, "Have there been any other instances of this power manifesting itself?"

"Powers. Plural." Rodney preens.

"What else can you do besides telekinesis?" Elizabeth asks.

"Well super-hearing for one," Rodney recounts, "and I'm not sure, but I think I may actually be getting smarter. It's hard to say for sure because I was pretty smart to start with, but, um, recently I've been having some ideas that I don't think even I would've thought of before."

"Does super-ego count as a power?" John wonders out loud.

Someone brings a plate of food in from the cafeteria and Rodney digs in with relish.

"He can also be dealing with a super-appetite, although it's hard to tell because he ate so much before." John adds.

"Very funny." Rodney doesn't bother looking up from his plate.

He feels gleeful when Carson verifies that his brain synaptic activity has accelerated beyond normal human levels. Digging in for another bite, he beams at John, "Seriously, me a super-hero, who would have thought it?"

Soon Rodney develops another new power -the ability to read minds. He can feel his mental genius soaring to new heights. Now he sees things about the universe he never dreamed possible.

One of the first ways he decides to put his new powers to use is to make sweeping adjustments to the city's power distribution and increase its efficiency. It is such an elegant plan for minimizing power usage, he can't believe he didn't see it before.

Ever shortsighted, Zelenka comes in to scold him for the power disruptions his work is causing citywide. Rodney wins the argument and Zelenka ends up storming out of the room swearing in Czech.

"He tries to hide it but deep down, I'm the wind beneath his wings." Rodney rotates the control chair and smiles to those remaining in the room.

John and Elizabeth walk in and Rodney tells them, "You can all relax, I'll have us back online in 2 minutes."

"We need to talk to you." Elizabeth begins.

Reading their minds Rodney panics, "What do you mean I'm going to die?" He sits up from the chair and disconnects from the power, "I'm not even sick! I feel great, never better!"

John starts, "That ancient device-"

Rodney cuts him off, "Has accelerated my evolution." He looks to Elizabeth reading her mind and continuing, "Eventually I'll reach a point where I'm capable of Ascension, but Ascension takes more than that, there's a mental component.

I need to know how to make it happen… which I don't... Yet! I'm getting smarter by the minute. It's a pretty good assumption I'll be able to figure it out on the way. Okay, so it's not as easy as that."

He continues having the conversation entirely on his own, "Well, even if I don't, so I stay a highly-evolved human. I mean, I don't have to Ascend. It's a choice, right?

No? What do you mean, no? Oh, that stupid Ancient device doesn't work properly, does it? It's set in motion a series of genetic mutations that will result in my death if I don't Ascend."

"There is something easier about this." John tells Elizabeth.

"That's why the Ancients didn't put it into common use." Rodney complains, "It's just one more in a long line of abysmal, over ambitious failures! Oh God. I'm a dead man."

One of the technicians interjects to remind Rodney that he has not finished reconfiguring the power. He tells her it will be okay and he'll get to it in a moment.

"Okay," Rodney reasons out loud, "there's still time left, right? So, maybe there's a way to reverse the process. "Zelenka! Where's Zelenka? What the Hell has he been doing?"

The technician alerts Rodney to massive power surges in the grid and he folds back into the chair, "Damn it."

When he finishes the interface, Rodney finds out that the temporary instabilities he created in the power grid caused Zelenka to be hit with an arc of electricity. He races to the infirmary and sees Carson about to apply the paddles to Zelenka's charred chest.

In horror, Rodney calls out Zelenka's first name, "Radek!" He tells the medical staff to move.

"Rodney, the man is dying!" Carson protests.

"I know, just give me a second. I know." He places his hands on Zelenka's scorched torso and the wound disappears.

Zelenka is breathing again and sits up. Rodney shakes his head in and leaves the room.

He should have known from the beginning this was too good to be true. Nothing this great could ever happen to him. It never does.

Even though Elizabeth thinks it's possible for him to Ascend and retake human form, Rodney doesn't believe in all that spiritual mumbo-jumbo.

No, the best thing to do with his remaining time is put his skills to use for scientific contribution. He is able to work at an amazing speed on numerous projects to improve Atlantis; a way to increase shield strength on the Daedalus, a hyperdrive model for a Puddlejumper, he even invents a new form of math.

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* * *

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Ever since John realized that Rodney can read minds, he has been doing his best to avoid him. He makes it through the day without incident and heads to his own quarters that evening as he tries to collect his thoughts and roiling emotions.

He is terrified that Rodney might die. But in his heart he believes that they will figure a way out of this. Well, probably _Rodney_ will figure a way out of this. He always does.

But what he is really terrified of right now is that Rodney will discover everything John feels for him. John isn't ready to face it himself; the last thing he wants is for Rodney to start vocalizing all his personal and intimate thoughts to a room full of people. No, he can't face Rodney, not yet.

The next day, when Elizabeth asks John to help Rodney meditate, he tries to set aside his inner turmoil. He has Teyla bring an assortment of candles from her room and set up a relaxing atmosphere in his quarters. John sets the monitor for the neural interface.

He is nervous when Rodney arrives and the first thing he blurts out is, "So, Elizabeth tells me you can't read minds anymore?"

"I can block the thoughts," Rodney shrugs, "It was becoming too overwhelming. Why, what are you hiding?"

Fear seizes John before he can hide it from his face; he tries to sound unaffected, "Nothing."

"Calm down, Colonel," Rodney eyes the monitor, "I won't pry."

John is relieved, but still uncomfortable. He walks over to the interface and types some commands into the computer.

Rodney sits on the floor and places the band around his head.

As he sits back on the cabinet looking at the computer screen, John tells him, "I don't think this is gonna work with you hooked up to the machine."

"How else am I going to know if it's working at all?" Rodney whines, "Look, you're teaching me how to meditate. Not exactly good odds there to start with."

"I realize that." John's voice is heavy with sarcasm. He changes his tone to be more frank, "Truth is, I was never really very good at this myself."

"So why am I here?" Rodney asks.

"Elizabeth made me." John fiddles with the computer.

"Oh." Rodney is understanding, "Yeah. Me, too."

"I was with those Ancients for 6 months. Maybe I picked up something that might be able to help you." John pauses for a minute, not buying it himself. "Yeah." He stands up, "The first thing I think you need to come to terms with is that this is not a means to an end."

"What?" Rodney blinks up at him, "Well, of course it is."

"No, no, no." John corrects him, "You can't do that. You can't think 'I'm going to Ascend and then retake human form and be done with it all."

"That is exactly what I'm trying to do." Rodney waves his hand dismissively, "Look from what I understand, dishonesty isn't gonna help the process."

"Good point." John nods.

Rodney complains that he is uncomfortable sitting cross-legged and John tells him shift into a position that works for him. He lays flat on the floor and John sits on the bed behind him.

"Now," John tries to sound wise, "I want you to become aware of your breaths… going in and out of your body."

"In and out." Rodney repeats slowly.

"Do it without talking." John instructs.

"Oh, right." Rodney opens up his bright blue eyes and looks up at John.

In that moment, Rodney looks so beautiful and John is grateful that he isn't reading his mind or realizing how much John wants him.

"Now" John tries to sound relaxed, "I want you to think about the things that you worry about the most."

"You mean like death?" Rodney says in alarm.

"There's no talking," he reminds him. John doesn't want to think about Rodney dying either, "Think of anything that makes you anxious."

"Oh, God, there's so many things." Rodney's worried eyes stay open.

Leaning up onto his shoulder, Rodney looks at John in dread, "Not talking happens to be one of them, by the way."

"Deal with it." he says in a strong voice. Rodney obeys and lies back down. John tries to get him back on track and begins again.

"Now. Imagine yourself on a Ferris wheel."

"What?" Rodney squawks.

"Look I told you," John says defensively, "I didn't pay much attention to what the Ancients were teaching me. I like Ferris wheels, so that's what I thought about… and the fact that the woman teaching me to meditate was… very attractive."

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* * *

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Rodney is irritated; he hates it when John throws his sexual liaisons in his face -of which there seem to be many.

Meanwhile Rodney hasn't been with anyone since… since John.

"Why am I not surprised you didn't Ascend, huh?" He sits up. He is so done with this whole thing.

"Okay look, I'm a busy man, you're a busy man. We're both busy _men_." The last thing he wants to think about now is one of John's lovers.

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* * *

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John immediately regrets saying it. God, why had he brought that up? Why is he always making a point about being attracted to women in front of Rodney?

"Just relax, all right?" He tries to soothe Rodney into lying back down, "I'm gonna try to remember what the woman taught me."

"All right." Rodney slouches back in defeat.

When Rodney is lying flat again John speaks, "Now, there's a dark storm swirling in your head."

"How is that comforting?" Rodney looks at him suspiciously.

Impatiently, John tells him, "I'm getting there."

Rodney tries to get back up because he has an idea about Chaos Theory that he wants to write down, but John compels him to stay and keeps talking. _'Damn it Rodney you can't die, take this seriously.'_

"Now the sky is clearing." John continues, "All your troubles are fading away."

"Bright blue sky… I am there." Rodney whispers, smiling with his eyes closed.

He looks so beautiful right now. John watches Rodney's relaxed face, longing to reach out and touch him. Wishing he hold him again… But he pushes the urge away, he shouldn't be thinking like this when Rodney needs his help. He shouldn't be thinking like this at all.

After a moment the machine beeps and Rodney asks John, "How am I doing?"

"Don't think that way." John warns him.

"Oh forget it." Rodney rolls up off the floor in frustration, "Look, this is never going to work."

"What's wrong now?" John asks.

"I just realized why light behaves as both particles and waves."

"Rodney" John pleads, "if you don't try to do this-"

"I know!" Rodney snaps on his way out of door, "I don't have much time left."

John's stomach lurches, just over a week, that's what time Rodney has left. He clasps his hands together, turning them over each other as Rodney leaves the room. It hits John hard -the reality that he is going to lose him.

His life without Rodney is something he can't bear to imagine. Rodney has become everything to him. John looks up at the lonely Johnny Cash poster above his bed and then buries his face in his hands.

No. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

The two of them were supposed to keep spending time together. One of those evenings when John was spending the night in Rodney's room, he was going to get up the courage to tell Rodney that he loves him.

The thought comes unbidden, never conscious before now. A ripple of fear runs through him.

 _He is in love with Rodney._

How long has this been true? He loves Rodney more than he has ever loved anyone, more than Nancy…. even more than Lyle.

His head sags between his legs, relieved to admit it, but equally disgusted with himself. Maybe what his father said is true. The word rings in his ears, _'faggot'_.

Men aren't supposed to love other men this way.

When the two of them had been together three years ago, John had thought they felt good together, he'd never been so attracted to anyone before.

But then he'd realized how upset Rodney was, it seemed like he didn't really want it and that it was hurting him somehow. Maybe Rodney had been disgusted with the whole thing and regretted it afterwards, maybe feeling the kind of shame that John always has when he's acted on his urges to be with another man.

All of this is wrong. He's tried to fight it, but he only wants Rodney more after all this time. John has come to know Rodney so well, all of his various moods and irritating habits, and he only loves him more for it.

God. He loves him. What the fuck is wrong with him? Can he only admit to having feelings when someone is about to die, when he doesn't have to risk anything or try to have a relationship?

And what kind of relationship could he have even have offered Rodney? Not much of anything with John being military. He supposes he could have considered resigning but this is the only life he's ever known. Would he leave Pegasus, his home in Atlantis? Would Rodney have left with him?

None of it matters now. That future is over. That future could never have been anyway. And he shouldn't want it.

In anguish, John curls on his bed imagining that Rodney is still in the room, that John is holding him in his arms.

He whispers to the ghost, "Rodney." It is a plea to take all this shame and self-loathing away, to redeem him from the prison of his heart, to forgive him for his failure. But he is alone.

He is always alone in the end.

For the rest of the week, John stays as close to Rodney as he can. Rodney is constantly busy; he barely even sleeps. So, John has taken up camp in Rodney's room, bringing him extra food and snacks and tending to him however he can. It is the only time he really gets a chance to see him.

Rodney scarcely takes note of John on the couch. He buries himself into whatever project he is working on and then collapses in exhaustion for a short nap on his bed. If Rodney were still reading minds, he would hear John screaming in agony inside. But as it is, he barely seems to notice John is there.

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	48. I've loved you for some time now

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Rodney paces in frustration, stewing over his recent conversation with Elizabeth. She keeps interrupting his important projects, the only things keeping him from freaking out about his impending demise. She just won't stop pestering him about trying to Ascend. What had she said he needed to do to 'release his burden'? Shed himself of guilt, of anger, of ill-feeling... Oh yeah, and shame.

 _'Shame'_. Rodney feels cold inside. He thinks of Alex, if only it were that easy.

Rodney hates himself; he doesn't feel worthy of anything. And the amount of shame he feels is blinding. It is easier to distract himself by working out scientific problems in his mind, rather than face the pain and loneliness that has only grown more acute with the impending certainty of his death.

It is too late to fix the worst of his own problems but maybe he can do something small for the people in his life. He still has a few days, maybe Elizabeth is right, maybe he should spend them differently.

Remembering that Carson has a thing for a vintage game called 'Operation', Rodney constructs a whimsical but detailed model of the anatomical game.

Except for the head, all the bones and organs are represented in his 3-dimensional model; they are wedged inside each other like a complex puzzle. If unraveled in the right way, a pair of tiny tweezers can pull them all out. If not done carefully, the conductive metal around the edges makes a loud buzzing sound.

The image around the body and the likeness of the face are similar to the original game; only they represent an illustrated version of Carson. Even the haircut is reminiscent of his friend.

On the back of the box, Rodney inscribes it. 'Carson Beckett… The best doctor in two galaxies and the best friend I ever had.'

When Carson sees the gift he gets quite emotional; he clutches Rodney to his chest, telling him they will find a way to beat this thing and not to give up yet.

"I'm not going to give up on my best friend and you can't either." Carson sniffs.

Rodney pats him on the back, "Yeah, yeah I know. But do you like it?"

Carson releases him and returns his attention to the gift, "Like it? I bloody love it. It's the best present anyone's-" his voice clenches and Carson sounds like he is trying not to cry.

Collecting himself, Carson tells Rodney resolutely, "The two of us… We're going to be playing a lot of this game, you'll see."

"You'll have a chance to do the real thing once I'm dead." Rodney answers dryly.

"Rodney!"

"Sorry, dying man humor. Seriously though, humor me, okay? I want you to do an autopsy."

"Rodney! I will do no such thi-"

"Please! As my final request, just, you know, IF, if I happen to die. I'd like my body to be dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge."

Sighing heavily, Carson tells him he will honor the request, should such an event eventually occur. Then he requests that Rodney help him enjoy his new present. The seriousness of the situation falls away and they begin to laugh and talk as they usually would.

After playing a couple rounds of the game with Carson, Rodney seeks out Zelenka and makes a heartfelt apology. Then, Rodney brings Teyla a memorial tea service that he has prepared, in honor of the anniversary of her father's death. Teyla is touched that he has taken the time to learn the traditional Athosian ceremony.

It takes a while, but Rodney finally finds Ronon; he has to literally stand in his way to get the big guy to listen to him.

"Look I don't know how much time I have left, so I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, ask you a rather personal question. Hopefully you won't just hit me in the face."

Ronon raises an eyebrow in amusement and Rodney continues, "Asking away. Those... scars on your back from your encounters with the Wraith, you know, with the tracking device?"

He nods and Rodney asks, "Are those, like, a badge of honor for you, or are they just a constant reminder of something you'd rather forget? I mean, I know it's none of my business. I just..."

"I try not to let things I can't change bother me." Ronon answers in a solemn voice.

"That's very healthy." Rodney is shocked by the profundity of the words, wishing he could do the same.

Looking around nervously, Rodney lurches forward, grabbing Ronon in a tight hug. It is awkward and Ronon pats Rodney on the back more than once trying to give him the signal to let go.

Finally, Rodney releases him and steps away, "I hope you don't mind. I just healed them."

Ronon looks astonished but pleased as Rodney leaves to deliver his last gift. It is a 500 page biography he has written about Elizabeth's life and unsung victories as the leader of the expedition. With his enhanced brainpower he was able to compose the book in a single afternoon. If only he could have been this productive before dying.

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When he returns to his quarters, John is there reading his War & Peace novel. John has been with him every night these last weeks and Rodney really appreciates that he has helped him feel less alone.

Used to Rodney's random comings and goings, John doesn't look up.

Taking off his shoes and getting more comfortable, Rodney walks over to the couch and sits next him. John looks up with a questioning and sad expression.

Trying to be playful, Rodney pushes his legs out so that John has to take them on his lap.

That gets a smile.

"So I've stopped working on my scientific contributions. I had a talk with Elizabeth and she convinced me to. Well, I don't know what she convinced me of." Rodney sighs. "She told me that most people are held back from Ascending by believing that they are unworthy."

Laughing at John's raised eyebrows, Rodney continues, "I know. Me? Unworthy? The thing is I didn't imagine she would know me well enough to say some of the things she did."

"Like what?" John asks.

"Well, for one she said I was probably using my intelligence to overcompensate for other things I thought I lacked. She hinted that I was hiding from an inner shame, -am I really that transparent?"

"No, I don't think so Rodney…" John answers softly, "You talk a lot but I don't think there is anything obvious about you."

Then John's tone becomes more playful, "You're an enigma."

"But not to you?" Rodney cocks his head.

"Even to me, Rodney." John sighs.

Rodney is silent for a moment and then serious, "I feel a lot of shame. I, I do hate myself too much, you know, to be capable of Ascension. Not that I'm eating my unhappiness despite what some people may say."

He takes the time to glare at John. "But I am unhappy with myself - I don't think I deserve to be happy."

"Are you really that unhappy, Rodney?" John's eyes look mournful.

"Yes, John," Rodney is exasperated because John should already know this, "I'm terribly, terribly unhappy. Is that what you want to hear? I'm only good as a scientist; I am worthless as a human being.

As I told Zelenka, I supplement my own anxieties or feelings of inadequacy by creating a bubble of hostility around myself and the rest of the world."

"You told that to Zelenka?" John seems stunned.

"Oh. Yes." Rodney says impatiently, "I apologized to him, because unlike me, he really is a decent human being."

John folds his arms protectively over Rodney's feet, "What happened to working through your fears, not believing your worst fears about yourself."

"Well that kind of thing takes time, time I don't have anymore." Rodney explains, "Plus my fears are true, that's why it would take time to change those things about myself.

-Your fears are different though," he reassures John, not wanting to invalidate the previous conversation they had about this. "Yours really are totally false."

"I have a bubble too, Rodney." John rolls his eyes.

"You don't have a bubble," Rodney snorts, "you have castle walls, armored, with artillery. I bet there are some fortifications you don't even let _yourself_ into."

"Is this your way of telling me again that I don't have a heart?" John's eyes look shut down.

"No-no-no. I don't mean that!" Rodney starts, "I was just thinking that, or I've thought about this before… and I think that you have a lot of chambers but there is an amazing garden all around your castle. And even in the inner courtyard. It's really quite pleasant."

"Pleasant." John sounds wooden.

"Okay, charming". Rodney continues, "People like you and care about you, even if you do hold them at arm's length. I'm not likeable at all, people can barely tolerate me."

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* * *

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John thinks for a second, "Your bubble isn't that hard to get through, you just have to come prepared for some stray arrows. I like you Rodney." He squeezes Rodney's feet and pauses, wanting to say more.

 _'I love you Rodney.'_ He opens his mouth to try to say it, but Rodney is talking again.

"But that's the point of the Ascension thing, I have to be okay with myself." Rodney pulls his legs back into himself and leans forward with anticipation looking at John, "Do you think it is even worth trying again?"

"Yes!" John answers trying not to think of what is probably coming, that he will lose Rodney. Anything is worth trying if there is even a remote chance they could stop this.

"Look" John tells him, "I still have all the equipment in my room, we could just go back there-"

"Right, let's go." Rodney gets up off the couch to find his shoes.

Getting off the couch, John tells himself that this is no time for personal revelations; Rodney's life is on the line and he can't let himself get sucked into negative thinking that this is his last chance.

Once they get back to John's room, he lights the candles and dims the shades. Rodney looks over the equipment and puts the monitor strap on his head.

This time when Rodney lays on the ground, John joins him nearby, sitting with his back against the bed. He wants to reach over and touch Rodney for reassurance but he steadies himself and places the computer on his lap. Rodney needs a friend right now, that's all.

Rodney makes it almost 30 minutes before he asks John, "What's it down to?"

"It's not important." John answers.

"What?" Rodney rasps and rolls over toward John. He leans on his arm so he can look over John's lap, "Of course it is. It's got to… What? 17 hertz? It's not even close!"

"It's closer than you've ever been." John tries to calm Rodney back down.

"Forget it." Rodney whips off the head monitor.

He is not going to let Rodney give up, John lifts his hands in frustration, "Look if you have to keep asking, you're obviously not getting it. This is about letting go."

Sitting up with his shoulders hunched in defeat, Rodney tells him sadly, "I don't know how to do that okay? I'm me. I don't know how not to be me."

It isn't fair that Rodney is going through this. John pushes his lips together and furrows his brows, wishing they could trade places.

Despite his efforts, Rodney seems to feel completely alone and John is failing him. Just like he's failed everyone that's mattered to him. His head hangs in defeat. He is failing the person who matters the most, the person he loves more than anything in this world.

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* * *

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Rodney's voice cracks, "Look, thank you for all of your help." He realizes how much he has been completely relying on John, maybe taking him for granted. John has been there for him in every way and Rodney didn't even do anything special as a goodbye for him.

Maybe that's because he felt like things have been so good between them and he didn't have any past misdeeds to make up for.

He would know if there was something unfinished between he and John wouldn't he? Rodney thinks he would sense it, but he can't be sure.

"I think, in the grand scheme of things, we're... " Rodney looks up at John with emotional and watery eyes, "We're good, aren't we?"

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* * *

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 _'Good', Rodney? After everything, we're just, 'good'?_

John's lips and brow are furrowed in a desperate attempt to keep his own emotions from spilling over. His face falters. But this is what Rodney wants, not a declaration of his undying love. Just, 'good'.

He reaches into himself to find a casual grin, "Of course." He smiles lazily but his eyes are filled with the warmth in his heart.

"Right." Rodney looks relieved.

It feels like he can't hold this back anymore, he has to tell Rodney. NOW.

But before he can confess, Rodney is talking again, "Look, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to read my eulogy."

This is too much. John points his finger at Rodney raising his voice, "I refuse to discuss that." He moves up to the bed and begins unwinding the electrical cords so Rodney can't see how afraid he is.

"Just keep it simple." Rodney says as he stands up, "Make up a few nice things. I'd like my little sister to be there. And, oh, you should know that I told Beckett that he should most definitely do a full autopsy."

When John finally looks up at Rodney, his eyes are dark with emotion that he can't hide.

Oblivious, Rodney continues, "He can use my body for any kind of experimentation that might prove helpful, and…"

John looks away and throws a cord to the side of the bed, inside his mind he is screaming. _'Please stop, Rodney. Don't do this. I love you and I can't let you go.'_

Unaware of his pain, Rodney continues, "Oh, and I'd like to be cremated with my ashes to be, ah"

He isn't going to let this continue, John doesn't know what he is going to say, but he knows he is going to take Rodney in his arms and never let go.

Rodney is still talking but John steps forward to put an end to this, he walks in close, and interrupts, "Rodney…"

But just as he is close enough to take him in his arms, Rodney suddenly hunches over grasping at his temples. He makes a noise of pain and falls forward.

"Rodney!" John catches him and steers them both to the bed where Rodney gasps and holds his head doubled over in agony.

What if this is it? John panics as Rodney spasms in pain. He holds him strong to keep him from falling off the bed. Then Rodney lets out a sharp cry and goes limp.

With one hand firmly holding Rodney's shoulder, he reaches down to take his pulse with the other. John exhales in relief; he is still alive. He radios the infirmary and then wonders if he has just lost his last chance to be alone with Rodney. In less than a minute there will be a medical team in his quarters with a gurney.

"Oh Rodney." John collapses onto the bed and pulls Rodney's unconscious form into him holding him tenderly and softly petting the side of his beautiful face; he looks so pale, "Please don't leave me yet."

"I'm here," John chokes up as the tears leak from his eyes, "I'm right here."

He swallows hard; he cannot be losing control of his emotions now, not with a medical team on the way. But the thought that he has lost Rodney without ever telling him how much he loves him is the worst pain he's ever felt.

Oh, God. Maybe he can still try, maybe there is some part of Rodney that can still hear him. He has to try. It could be his only chance.

"I was going to tell you earlier but I'm not good…" It's hard to speak through the tears.

"I love you Rodney." John's voice cracks and he shakes with a stifled sob, "I can't say goodbye… I could never say goodbye to you but…"

Catching his staggered breath John wipes away the wetness that has spilled onto Rodney's cheek, "I can tell you that I love you… that I've loved you for some time now." His face contorts in grief, "I always will."

"Just know that." John sinks his head down onto Rodney's chest, hugging him as tight as he can, "Please know that. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you before it was too late."

John is completely losing control now. He has to pull himself together. He sits up and leans his head into his hands, wiping away the evidence of his breakdown.

Thinking he hears a noise, John lurches from the bed and then collapses against the side of it. He doesn't think he can manage to stand back up now, but at least it is a less questionable position for them to find him in than if he were still holding Rodney on the bed.

He has to seem composed by the time the medical team gets here. _Focus, John._ He fights to regain emotional control and his face goes blank.

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	49. Paper ring

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When the med team arrives, John backs away from Rodney, afraid that they may see something in him, guess at what he is feeling. He trails behind the gurney from a safe distance hoping no one will notice his puffy eyes.

When other people begin to arrive in the infirmary, John stays in the background by the foot of the bed

Even when Rodney regains consciousness, John holds back, terrified that something in his voice or expression will give him away. Carson confirms that Rodney is close to death.

"There must be something we can do" John speaks up in a hoarse whisper.

Rodney is conscious again and tells John, "It's okay. You know, I'm actually feeling a sense of peace, interspersed with moments of sheer terror, of course."

"Rodney, as far as this Ascension thing" John's voice cracks a little, "I know you didn't have much success, but at this point, what do you got to lose?"

"May as well go out fighting, huh?" Rodney jokes.

"Absolutely." John smiles to hide his grief.

Agreeing to be hooked up to the monitor again and give it another try, Rodney stares up at the ceiling as if he is peering beyond it to something far away, "Clear blue skies."

John clenches his jaw and the muscles in his cheek spasm as he tries to stop the ball in his throat from rising. His eyes are already red, as anyone who looked closely could see.

"All my troubles just drifting away." Rodney continues talking.

John squints his eyes and tries not to betray himself. He wants to tell Rodney to be quiet but he doesn't trust his voice.

It feels like Rodney is answering his thought when he speaks, sounding breathless as if half asleep. "Okay, stop talking now."

 _'Dammit John, get ahold of yourself, there's no crying in the military.'_

"Rodney, you're a good person, know that we love you." Elizabeth tells him.

"You love me?" Rodney smiles deliriously, "Really?... All of you?"

Obviously, Rodney is not using his ability to read minds or he would know.

Suddenly, the thought strikes a chill in John, the idea that he could somehow be exposed for what he is to everyone here.

No one has answered Rodney's question yet and John wants to say something reassuring, without betraying the truth to everyone in the room, "In the way… a friend, feels about another friend".

"You're just saying that because I'm gonna die." Rodney murmurs.

Doesn't Rodney even know how much John loves him as a friend? Has he ever really said anything to make it clear? Rodney has such low self-esteem, he should have said more.

All Rodney thought, was that he and John were 'good'. What the hell did that even mean to him? Not much apparently. John feels like his soul is dying. Everything that matters is to him dying with Rodney.

"Oh, God. I can't believe I'm gonna die." Rodney sounds distressed.

"All right." John cuts off the train of thought, "Just back to the blue skies. Let your thoughts go. Concentrate on your breathing."

He feels so helpless standing at the end of the bed, his agony unbearable. This is so much worse than losing Lyle. At least Lyle knew what he meant to John.

As Rodney slips into unconsciousness, Carson exclaims in sadness, "Oh, my God."

Then Rodney suddenly sits up, gripping Carson's jacket and staring into his eyes before collapsing and flat-lining.

Carson tells them Rodney has stopped breathing and they need a ventilator.

Elizabeth stops him, "Carson, he gave us strict orders-"

"You don't understand." Carson explains, "He just told me how to save him."

John helps push the gurney as they take Rodney's body back to the Ancient lab.

Ronon carries Rodney's smaller frame back onto the Ascension machine and Zelenka does something that causes a green snakey light to coil around his lifeless form.

He is moving again and John runs to him crouching down in awe.

Rodney sits up and exclaims, "It worked!"

"Did it?" Carson asks uncertainly.

"Well, I'm alive aren't I?" Rodney is sarcastic.

"Sounds like him." John smiles and his heart is surging.

Rodney says he has no superpowers to speak of and he still feels smart, "Yes! Yes, I'm me! I'm my old self!"

John stares at Rodney with amazement. He looks disheveled from his ordeal, rumpled in his hospital gown but John thinks he is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. His heart swells with love.

"Are you certain?" Carson is asking.

"Yeah, I'm alive!" Rodney beams, "I feel great! I feel, uh… um, hungry?"

"He's fine." John grins at Carson.

Giddy, John can't believe he has a second chance. He barely listens to Rodney's detailed explanation of how he was able to get around the irreversible process of genetic manipulation.

Instead he is planning out how he is going to tell Rodney. He'll do it tonight, over a private dinner. He is imagining the right words he'll need to express just how deeply he loves Rodney, to make him understand… something that might convince Rodney to be with him again.

John has never been great talking about his emotions but this experience has opened the floodgates. He knows he can't hold back anymore, that it will all just come rushing out, even if it isn't perfect. For some reason he thinks it will be okay anyway, that Rodney might still feel something for John too, even if just a little bit.

Ronon speaks up, sharing John's sentiments about all the techno babble, "I don't understand what any of you are talking about."

He watches in surprise as Ronon walks up to Rodney, putting his hands on Rodney's shoulders affectionately and pulling him close.

Looking fiercely happy, Ronon grips Rodney with warmth, "It's good to have you back, buddy."

Then Ronon gives Rodney a deep and sincere hug, clasping his back tightly. Rodney seems as shocked by this as John is. His arms flail a bit before Ronon grunts in satisfaction and releases him with a fond double slap on the back.

"Yes, well, it's good to be back." Rodney fidgets.

Ronon clasps Rodney once more on the shoulders, looking at everyone in the room with joy, as if to say _'Can you believe we almost lost this guy'?_

John envies Ronon his ability to express himself and remembers with shame how he had not only been unable to tell Rodney he loved him, but had essentially denied the fact while Rodney lay dying.

He hates himself for his fear and resolves to make it up to Rodney, setting things straight, starting tonight. Rodney agrees to an early dinner and John plans to get everything he knows Rodney likes, including the blue Jell-O.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney has some time to himself before John comes over and he spends it mulling over some of the emotional realizations this near death experience have imparted to him. Toward the end of his reverie he finds his thoughts falling to John.

He feels a new kind of closure around the feelings has for John. They are intense for sure, but they haven't been reciprocated and that has hurt. Rodney has mostly resigned himself to it, but being as close as he has been with John lately, sometimes he has fooled himself into thinking that something more could develop in time. He knows now that was never really within the realm of possibility.

John has just told him that he loves Rodney in the way a friend loves another friend. And even if John ever did feel more for Rodney than that… Well, John's most important romantic relationship in the past had been entirely platonic -clearly because John couldn't handle having sexual feelings for a guy.

That level of repression goes way beyond anything that can be blamed on the military. As far as John's actual sexual history with men, it seems limited to a handful of one night stands -and then whatever the hell he'd had with Rodney.

He will always love John, but it is best to remember that for John, that love based in friendship -no matter how deeply Rodney loves him. And he doesn't want to risk losing John or feeling foolish, rejected, and unwanted again.

Whatever they have now is great; it means the world to Rodney. But it's not like Rodney can kid himself that it is a relationship. And really, a relationship is what Rodney wants. It would be nice to find someone to actually be with, preferably a woman. Maybe get married one day.

His relationships with men have always gotten so twisted and convoluted, anyway. Not that things had ever worked out with woman either, but at least those relationships had been far less painful.

Rather than dwelling on what he cannot have with John, Rodney's thoughts fall back towards what he does want. He is proud of himself for letting go. Internally, he feels less emotionally messy about things John; he just accepts it for what it is and for what it isn't.

As if on cue, John comes in with the food, and it sure is a lot. Rodney smiles and helps him move it to his little table. With dinner comes some lighthearted chitchat. John keeps telling him how he is so glad that Rodney is alive. And Rodney agrees that he is pretty glad about it too.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John is buzzing with excitement, watching Rodney, and waiting for the right opening.

Leaning in cheerfully to John, Rodney stops eating for a moment, "I really think this experience has changed me… you know, for the better."

"Yeah?" John smiles warmly.

"Yeah." Rodney takes a bite and mumbles through it, "I mean, remember all that stuff we were talking about, how I didn't think I deserved to be happy?"

"Mmm-hmm" John chews with his mouth closed.

"Well, I think I can let it go." Rodney says brightly, "Not all of it, no right away, but I'm ready to be happy, you know."

Rodney's blue eyes are intent on him and John gets goose bumps, he gulps and stares back into Rodney's eyes.

"You are?" _Okay, this is the moment. Reach across the table, take his hand and tell him that you want to make him happy._

But Rodney's hands are up in the air, a flurry of activity, gesturing while he talks, "You know, I think it started when my sister came to visit. I was thinking about how happy she was with Kaleb, and what I've been missing out on by not having any kind of personal life.

I just hide in my work 'cause I'm bad with people and never take any emotional risks. But I'm going to try now; I'm going to put myself out there. I mean there is one person I can think of, who already knows me and actually kinda likes me."

John's breath hitches and he wonders if Rodney is going to make this easier for him than he thought it would be.

"There is?" John leans in.

"Yes." Rodney chirps merrily, "Katie Brown. I'm going to ask her back out and I'm going to make an effort this time."

"Oh." John's facial expression changes subtly and he pulls himself back.

"I just realized that I want to settle down with somebody, I want to get married and have a family, all that traditional domestic stuff."

"You do?" John physically feels his heart sink.

"Yes," Rodney goes on a little defensively, "is that so hard to imagine that someone would be interested in me that way?"

"No." John shakes his head wearily, "No, Rodney, it isn't."

Rodney seems appeased, "Well, good I just really wanted to tell you about it because you sort of helped me get to this place where I could let myself be happy, or at least try."

"I helped you?" John is confused, "How's that, Rodney?"

"Well, you know. Our talks and everything, helping me face my inner demons and see myself as I am. You've been a really good friend."

"Thanks, Rodney," John feels grateful for that and means it when he says, "you're a really good friend too. I should have said it to you more… How much you mean to me."

"You mean your friend feelings?" Rodney takes a teasing tone, "Oh, I always knew deep down you loved me."

John gives him a glare to hide his conflicting urges. Part of him wants to grab Rodney and tell him how deeply he's in love with him. But Rodney just made it clear that he doesn't want that from him. The other part of him wants to say something to downplay all the mushy stuff.

He decides to fall back into their typical banter, "Come on, _Meredith_... I know you love me too, deep down in there somewhere."

Rodney gives him that annoyed face he makes whenever John uses his first name. And John is relieved he didn't say anything to ruin the mood or upset Rodney's newfound excitement about his domestic dreams of marriage.

To hide his anguish, John folds his hands over his mouth. Rodney once told him that his lips betray more of his feelings than his eyes do. And John's lips are pressed together in a grimace of pain that he doesn't want Rodney to see.

"What about you, John?" Rodney asks obliviously, "You ever going to stop Kirk-ing your way through the galaxy and settle down?"

The physical pain in John's chest aches and deepens, but John lifts his head away from his hands with a dispassionate expression.

"Oh, you know me, Rodney…" John trails lazily, "I'm happy the way I am."

To make it believable, John smiles wider and takes a drink from his glass as if he doesn't have a care in the world. He sees a flicker of a frown on Rodney's face, followed by ready acceptance of John's statement.

"Well, as long as you're happy," Rodney says with encouragement, "you know what they say, follow your... happy, or something like that."

"I'm sure they do." John laughs shortly, "You know, I should probably get going, let you get some sleep after your ordeal."

Confused, Rodney looks to John's half eaten plate.

"I'm actually full and wanted to check out some stuff on the Jumpers before lights out." He explains.

Rodney stirs but John gestures for him to stay seated, "Stay. Keep eating, we both know you're hungry."

They share a smile and John grabs his tray on his way out, "'Night, Rodney."

"Night", Rodney mumbles through a mouthful.

The following day, John is unprepared when Rodney takes him aside to tell him the details of his talk with Katie; he tries to listen and be supportive. It's nice to see Rodney so... excited. John had just hoped that he would be the one to make Rodney happy.

It seems ludicrous the more he thinks about it. Rodney wants to get married for Chrissake, not have a secret affair with a guy in the military -a guy Rodney knows is an emotional train wreck and doesn't know how to have a relationship. Of course Rodney would want a relationship. What sane person wouldn't.

There had been a time when Rodney had wanted him. He supposes Rodney had liked John better when he didn't know him so well. So John listens, offers support and encouragement. But Rodney keeps talking about Katie, every time they see each other; it's all he can talk about, the intimate blow by blow of their official second date together.

As time goes by, Rodney seems to be spending a lot more of his free time with Katie. Then after a couple weeks he and Rodney have an awkward talk. Rodney tells John that he totally doesn't mind if John still comes by, but just asks that it not be unannounced anymore.

It is the final resounding blow of defeat. John feels saddened beyond belief but he understands; it's very reasonable. Rodney has gone above and beyond letting him crash there whenever he needed to. Rodney's been great. And John will be… fine.

The weeks get worse for John, he knows he hasn't been himself and spends a lot of time at the gym attacking a punching bag. Rodney isn't around much, but John thinks he prefers it to hearing about Katie.

One night Ronon finds John in the gym late at night. He knows Ronon probably wonders why John has been so distant. But John can't talk about this with anyone. Ronon moves to stand behind the bag, holding it for him while John keeps punching.

"So, I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with you." Ronon begins.

John feels guilty but keeps punching.

"You wanna talk about it?"

He stops for minute and holds Ronon's eyes, "Can't."

"Okay" Ronon doesn't seem to understand but accepts it.

Holding the bag silently as John punches, Ronon waits for John to tire himself out. Realizing Ronon is trying to show him that he is here for him, John feels a deep affection for the guy, even if he can't talk about this. But he just wants to go back to his room and listen to the Johnny Cash song he has set on repeat.

Ronon walks him to his quarters and tells him before he goes, "You need anything, I'm here."

John showers as fast as he can to get under the covers and put in his ear buds. The song isn't exactly perfect for his situation. He hasn't been done wrong by anyone, but it contains the kind of sorrow John feels. It is a cathartic release, a story about a man alone.

When John hears the song he just substitutes the word girl for guy. With a substitution or two, it could almost be a song about loving a man, especially when it refers to love being 'right or wrong'.

He already feels too much shame about himself and his own sexuality to feel guilty for the sacrilege he has committed against Johnny Cash by desecrating the lyrics. There is a verse in there where Johnny sings the word 'where', -but it almost sounds like he is saying 'queer'. Like Johnny has _HAD_ it with being queer.

The verse goes on about love being a small thing, a paper ring. It makes John think of Rodney with a solid wedding band on his finger. John is merely a paper substitute and Rodney, Rodney deserves better. So John will be what he is, a solitary man. He starts the song, closes his eyes and sighs.

 _I've had it to here,_  
 _being (queer)_  
 _Love's a small word_  
 _a part time thing_  
 _a paper ring_  
 _I know it's been done_  
 _havin' one_  
 _(guy) who'll love me_  
 _Right or wrong_  
 _Weak or strong_

 _Don't know that I will_  
 _but until I can find me_  
 _the (guy) who'll stay_  
 _and won't play_  
 _games behind me_  
 _I'll be what I am_  
 _A solitary man_  
 _A solitary man_

 _._

 _._


	50. I've got a plan, Rodney

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.

When Rodney asks John to play their game, he jumps at the chance. He hasn't been seeing a lot of Rodney lately. But as they sit plotting at their respective screens, it doesn't feel the same as it used to. Probably because Rodney keeps talking about Katie so much.

Bantering competitively, they play for about an hour, but John's heart isn't really in it. He is more relieved than anything when Rodney leaves to go see his girlfriend.

This feeling in his chest, it is like something has been ripped out. And the heartbreak doesn't stop, it just keeps cracking deeper and wider. It used to be he had a shut-off valve, a way to turn off the feelings, but with Rodney it's impossible.

Even if he could, he doesn't know if he would turn it off. What he feels for Rodney is so big and vibrant, as long as Rodney is happy, it doesn't matter how John feels. He never deserved Rodney anyway; Rodney deserves so much better than him.

John has discovered that hitting stuff is good for heartache. He has been spending a lot of time at the gym, taking his aggression out on the punching bag.

As the weeks go on, Rodney continues to talk incessantly to anyone who will listen about what he and Katie are up to. John tries to feign interest, but it is some truly boring stuff.

Today, Rodney has been telling everyone at lunch about a 'fascinating' ethical dilemma he and Katie Brown had been discussing. Teyla and Ronon seem as sick of it as he is, so his irritation isn't drawing any unnecessary attention. When Rodney is called away to the control room, John finally gets a reprieve.

After he finishes eating, John heads to the gate room to see what's going on. His mouth hangs open in shock when Lorne's team shows them video footage of a village they have encountered; it features a flag with McKay's face on it.

 _'Holy Shit. That's Rodney's flag. The one from the game'._

With guilty, knowing eyes, John turns to look at Rodney. Rodney doesn't say anything, so John just bites his lip. Then he follows him into Elizabeth's office, figuring whatever this is, it might be his fault too.

"How the hell did your face get on that flag?" Elizabeth demands.

"I don't know." Rodney fumbles.

Elizabeth looks to John, since he is usually Rodney's partner in crime. But John turns to Rodney, avoiding eye contact with her.

"Here's the thing though," Rodney tells Elizabeth, "that flag's very similar to the one I designed in our game."

John can't hold his tongue anymore, "It's exactly like the one you designed in our game."

"What game?" Elizabeth asks.

"The game Rodney and I have been playing."

"Yeah, we didn't tell you about the game?" Rodney frowns in confusion.

"We've been playing for a while now." John adds.

"Yeah," Rodney's voice bubbles over John's, "off and on, in our spare time, you know, at night, between missions. I could have sworn we told you about it."

"What game?" Elizabeth repeats herself forcefully.

Rodney explains how he and John stumbled across a lab that seemed to feature a geological map. Elizabeth seems to recalls them saying something about that when they first arrived in Atlantis.

"Right. There you go we did tell you." Rodney smiles.

She looks angry at them and says they never said anything about a 'game'.

"That's because at first we didn't know what it was." John jumps in.

They explain to Elizabeth how it turned out that the geological lab was actually a game room with fictional simulations of civilizations.

"The first thing Rodney did, besides renaming his country, is put his face all over the flag." John rolls his eyes, giving Elizabeth a look wry look and nodding his head dismissively in Rodney's direction.

She is unamused and levels her eyes at them both, "I think you need to check this planet out."

The two of them exit like they are leaving the principal's office. Suiting up with Ronon and Teyla, they head out to the Jumper.

.

.

On the ride there, Teyla asks, "So the Ancestors created this game?"

"Yes," Rodney gives a twisted smile, "but this is no ordinary game. I mean it is incredibly challenging, instructional… I mean the sheer number of options built into it? Staggering."

Teyla wants to know more, "How does one play it?"

"You've got to figure out the best way to run your country." John answers.

"Yeah, you build roads, you establish laws, mold it to your own specific ideology." Rodney adds.

"So, how do you win this game?" Ronon asks.

"It's not really about winning." John explains.

"It's more about whose society outshines the other's," Rodney muses, "I mean who creates a better infrastructure." Looking smugly at John, Rodney adds, "Who's better at trade."

John furrows his brow and gives Rodney a long glare.

"What?" Rodney's resolve weakens under the withering look, "Hey, don't start, I tried to negotiate with you."

"Making a list of demands and not giving anything in return is not negotiating." John answers with an acidic smile.

"I offered you an entire crop of beans." Rodney contends.

"I don't need beans." John tells him with growing resentment. "I need lumber."

"Oh right." Rodney is hostile, "To build defensive fortifications for your army."

Turning his head to the back of the Jumper, Rodney says, "Which he doubled in size by the way. Surprise, surprise."

"I did that after you started cheating." John complains.

Rodney is emphatic, "I did not cheat."

Commiserating with his friends in the back, John tells them, "He's giving his people way too much technology for their level of development."

Then turning back to Rodney he points out, "I'm not the only one increasing my army, by the way."

"I had to do something to protect the people of Geldar from you." Rodney is defiant.

Ronon sounds like he is trying not to laugh, "Geldar?"

"It's the name of Rodney's country." John smirks, "He named it after a girl he stalked in college."

Glaring at John like he can't believe he'd bring that up, Rodney sounds livid. "I did not stalk her. We dated twice…" He becomes wistful, "Teresa Geldar, a very cute blonde. I always used to think her name reminded me of some kind of a mythological land… The kingdom of Geldar."

Once they land, John and the team enter a medieval styled village and meet a young woman, obviously their leader, who greets Rodney as the 'oracle'. The entire village bows in reverence as she welcomes them to Geldar.

The leader Nola takes them on a tour explaining that Rodney, their oracle, is a wise omnipotent deity.

"Boy, is she in for a rude awakening." John scoffs.

Nola continues with her tale of how after thousands of years of silence the oracle resumed communication with their people.

Everywhere they walk John sees portraits of Rodney, "Enough with the pictures." he complains to Ronon.

When they are shown the portal through which the oracle communicates, John points to the map in recognition, smiling with pride at his side of the river. "This country here."

"Hallona." Nola looks displeased, "A persistent thorn in our side." She turns to Rodney, "Now that you've come to us, you can help us remove it."

John looks to Rodney in concern and Rodney looks back at him uneasily.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Baden, the leader of Hallona, is brought in for a peace talk with Nola. Rodney thinks he looks likes Richard the Lionheart. "Figures." He mutters.

But the discussion soon dissolves into bickering; Rodney can't help himself from fuming over how John keeps increasing the size of Hallona's army.

"Yes," John answers in Baden's stead, "he has a capable army and some nice villages. No people riding bicycles or hot air balloons, because we weren't cheating."

"I didn't cheat." Rodney leans forward angrily.

"Have you come to agree to our trade proposals?" Nola asks Baden directly.

"You mean demands?" Baden growls, "Never."

Only Teyla's diplomacy is able to keep them all at the table as she deduces that these two villages co-existed in peace for thousands of years before their respective 'oracles' resumed communication with them.

Rodney gives John a halfhearted smile and notices that John looks guilty too. This really is all their doing, their fault. The two of them attempt to explain how the 'oracle' really works through technology. To prove it, they take both leaders to Atlantis to show them the controls on the other side.

Upon seeing the console, Nola looks at Rodney deeply sorrowful, "Our lives are just a game."

"Well, now, no." John interjects, "They're not games to you, and in our defense, we were trying to improve your lives."

"It's like he said," Rodney confers, "everything we did, every instruction we gave was to better conditions for your people.

"And if that meant cheating…" John jabs at him.

"Okay, you know, enough with that already." Rodney loses his patience again.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John takes Baden to a private area to discuss the situation further with him. It is time to set the petty competition aside. Baden doesn't seem as shaken by the news as Nola, but he believes that Atlantis should use its technology to attack Geldar. He reminds John that he was the one who encouraged him to increase Hallona's military.

Trying to reason with him, John reminds him that it wasn't meant to be real, "In response to McKay… the other Oracle, doing things that I thought were-"

"Aggressive? Arrogant?" Baden asserts, "Demeaning to me and my people?"

"I will give you arrogant and demeaning, but, ah-"

John can't say he's ever really seen McKay be that aggressive. Well, except for that time he was under the influence of the Wraith enzyme and forced himself on John. Okay, not forced exactly. John had wanted it too. God, he'd really wanted it. But-

Baden interrupts his thoughts, "The people of Geldar have started digging a mine beneath our borders to exploit coal resources on our land!"

 _'That sneaky bastard.'_ John leans forward. Rodney had him all distracted with the chitchat about Miss Katie. Meanwhile, he was stabbing Hallona in the back.

"Really?" John's eyes grow cold.

"It was only confirmed yesterday." Baden looks dejected, "This after several diplomatic attempts to reach a compromise.

"Yeah," John narrows his eyes, "We couldn't come to an agreement, but I didn't think he would start digging."

Baden looks at John reflectively, "I'm curious to know what response you would have given to such an incursion. I believe your next command would be to launch an attack on the mine, prevent them from digging further."

John screws up his face. Baden is right, he's a military man and his instinct is to fight.

He squints and presses his lips together. _Damn it McKay._ But this isn't just about the game and John knows it. He's angry because his heart is broken and these people have nothing to do with that. They shouldn't be acting out John and Rodney's tit-for-tat in real life.

Elizabeth's attempt to negotiate a truce are equally unsuccessful and she demands that John and Rodney put their differences aside and find a way to stop this brewing war they have caused.

When nothing seems to dissuade the respective leaders from their hostilities, John comes up with a new plan. As soon as Rodney and Teyla are beamed aboard the Daedalus, John tells them he needs their help and to follow him.

Ronon and Teyla are on his heels, but Rodney is perplexed and stays put, "Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, what the hell's going on?

"Elizabeth diverted the Daedalus on its way back to Earth to check up on us." John answers.

Teyla explains, "Colonel Caldwell believed that the situation had deteriorated. He feared that we would become casualties of war and so beamed us out."

While striding back to where Rodney is standing, John continues, "Yeah, but I talked him into beaming us back. But we've gotta do something first."

He grabs onto Rodney's vest, pulling him in his direction, "So come on."

Oh. It feels good to grab onto Rodney like that.

He really should let go of Rodney now, but he likes making him move like this.

 _'Bad, John.'_ He forces himself to release his grip.

"Well, do what?" Rodney follows on his own now.

"I've got a plan." John tells him.

"Oh," Rodney argues from behind, "what plan?"

"Oh, come on, already." John resists the urge to grab him again.

They intercept the satellites and fool the leaders by faking losses through the consoles. With a little help from some carefully placed weapons fire from the Daedalus, they make it look realistic without anybody getting hurt. After Nola and Baden have each had a taste of defeat from these fake doomsday scenarios, they are willing to give peace a chance.

Once they are beamed back aboard the Daedalus, John feels a pang of sadness as he realizes that that the game is actually over. He won't have an excuse to spend as much time with Rodney. It is like the end of an era has drawn to a close. It was one thing he and Rodney still shared from the past. Something they shared that…

Well, sometimes when they were playing, it made John feel like they were back in time. Back to when things between them felt different, almost flirtatious in the way they would banter. And now it is gone.

Now that Rodney is with Katie, excuses to spend time together are getting harder and harder to come by. John watches Rodney talking to Teyla and Ronon. He wants to grab him by the vest and make him-

 _'Make him what, John? Make him love you?'_

He creases his lips together and then he has an idea. Rodney once told him that he couldn't find any worthy chess opponents to play with. The game might not be as exciting but John is sure he could take Rodney on.

Watching him for a minute, John acts without thinking and strides over to Rodney.

Not bothering to take in the baffled expressions of his friends, John grabs ahold of Rodney's vest again and pulls him away from Ronon and Teyla, "Com'ere, Rodney."

"Hey what are you-? Rodney protests, "You don't have to-"

Smiling to himself as he pulls Rodney down the hall behind him, John explains, "I've got a plan, Rodney."

In a moment, they are alone and John releases his hold. He turns around and extends his hand to the adjacent wall.

The momentum causes Rodney to stumble into John a little before he backs up. "Okay, what could possibly be so important that you had to, literally, drag me away?"

"It's a really good plan, Rodney." John gives his most irrepressible smile.

"Really?" Rodney acts put out, "Let's hear it."

Actually, he hadn't thought this far ahead, how to pitch it. Then it comes to him; he's got to bait Rodney into it.

John's eyes twinkle, "I've got a new game. -But the thing is, I'm just not sure if you're good enough at chess to play me."

When Rodney rolls his eyes, John knows he's got him hooked.

"Really." Rodney snorts, "You. Play chess, against me. I mean it's just kind of sad, because while I'm not a grand champion, I easily could have been. Let's just say, had I other career aspirations, I easily could have been."

"So, maybe not such a great plan, after all?" Rodney sneers at John.

"What's the matter Rodney," John leans lazily into the wall, "you afraid to play a game where you can't cheat?"

"I did not-" Rodney's face contorts in annoyance as he points his finger, "You know what? You're on. Be prepared to go down in flames my friend."

"You're on." John tilts his head to the side liking the challenge.

"Yes." Rodney tries to look tough by folding his arms, "Yes, it is. On."

Almost as soon as they get back to the city, they set up a board in the cafeteria. They play for hours before Elizabeth joins them and apprises them of the positive diplomatic developments on the planet. They hardly bother to look up from the board.

"And you two?" Elizabeth asks, "Called a truce yet?"

"Yeah," John answers, lifting his face slightly from its resting place between his fists, "We're 'good'."

He can't help but feel a little bitter as he says it. That's what Rodney said as he was dying. All he'd asked John was whether or not they were 'good'. So sure, they're _'good',_ why wouldn't they be?

"Yeah, don't worry." Rodney chimes in, "We're going to stick to chess from now on."

"As long as Rodney doesn't cheat." John moves a piece on the board.

"Oh please, like I need to cheat playing you?" Rodney acts condescending despite the fact that he hasn't been beating John as readily as promised.

Seeing how focused they are on their new game, Elizabeth leaves them to it.

John watches as Rodney moves a knight and declares, "Ha."

Taking one of Rodney's pawns with his queen, John utters a, "Ha.", followed by, "Checkmate."

"What?" Rodney is stunned. He looks over the board, "Oh, no-no-no. What happened there?"

"What happened there," John fakes a bored expression with his elbows propped up on the table, "is I just kicked your ass."

"No, no, I was distracted. She was, uh-" Rodney points to Elizabeth's departing figure, "Okay, we're going again. Best of 10."

As Rodney resets the board, John hides a smile and lifts his brows as if beating Rodney is so easy it's not worth the bother.

.

.

These days John spends most of his off-hours alone. There have been a few games of chess here and there over the past weeks, but Rodney is often busy with Katie. Missing and wanting Rodney is like a sickness that is eating away at him. John thought he might start to adjust to it over time, but he only feels worse.

There isn't a soul he can tell about this. Ronon keeps trying to get him to talk, but John imagines how much Ronon would hate him if he knew the truth. He hates himself for whatever this is, for the fact that he is in love with a man.

Sure, John has acted on his urges before, but it was always just a quick get-off experience, one that he could deny in the light of day. Until Rodney. Now he is lost in despair, broken, and angry with himself for being this way. Johnny Cash is his only therapy, that and punching stuff.

He's been able to keep up appearances on duty, when in command of the team. It's a role he knows how to drop into easily, but he doesn't have the energy left to pretend the rest of the time. It is easier just to shut himself away.

Maybe one of these days that Johnny Cash song will get through to him and convince him to be content alone, a solitary man.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Ronon hasn't been seeing much of John on his time off. It seems like the only time he can find him anymore is in the gym. John is still punching at that bag and still not talking.

Something has been wrong with him for a while now and it is starting to worry Ronon.  
Sometimes Ronon holds the bag while John hits it but John still won't tell him what has happened. John used to talk to him about stuff or at least hang out. it's not like him to hide out like this and Ronon is sure he's not right.

Heading to the gym, he finds John slugging away as usual. John seems angry but the punches have a defeated air to them, a repetitive surrender, like John has nothing else left to do. And John's eyes betray sadness, a loss, like something inside him is broken.

If he didn't know John better, Ronon might think it was a romantic problem. But John doesn't seem to do relationships, not since he's known the guy.

"You winning tonight?" Ronon walks up to hold the bag.

John just shakes his head.

"If you ever want to spar, I'm here." Ronon offers.

"You know," John shuffles and stops, "sometimes you just need to hit something that isn't going to hit you back."

Then John continues his assault on the bag.

"Still not gonna tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." John keeps punching.

"Okay." Ronon shrugs and lets go of the bag, "Have it your way."

.

.


	51. Irresistible in that orange spacesuit

.  
.

The whole mission went south when Rodney insisted on exploring one more room of the hollowed out moon base.

He'd begged John, "Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, I need to find out what's inside. I'm the same way with Christmas presents and piñatas. One more compartment, other side of this door."

John had given in, partly because Rodney was so hard to resist in his orange spacesuit and partly because he was a little curious about the space shuttle they had seen when docking. Certainly not because there was any useful technology. For a hollowed out moon, the base had a very 1967 look about it.

But a chain of disastrous events followed after Rodney powered up the moon's nuclear reactor. As soon as the station re-pressurized, 2 guys rematerialized out of a modified Wraith storage device. The device was supposed to be preserving their people for a number of centuries, until they could return to their planet, once it was habitable again.

The whole mission went south when Rodney insisted on exploring one more room of the hollowed out moon base.

He'd begged John, "Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, I need to find out what's inside. I'm the same way with Christmas presents and piñatas. One more compartment, other side of this door."

John had given in, partly because Rodney was so hard to resist in his orange spacesuit and partly because he was a little curious about the space shuttle they had seen when docking. Certainly not because there was any useful technology. For a hollowed out moon, the base had a very 1967 look about it.

But a chain of disastrous events followed after Rodney powered up the moon's nuclear reactor. As soon as the station re-pressurized, 2 guys rematerialized out of a modified Wraith storage device. The device was supposed to be preserving their people for a number of centuries, until they could return to their planet, once it was habitable again.

One of the guys went crazy went he found out that the other data storage device never made it to the moon –the one that had his wife and child in it. That was pretty much when everything went to hell. He sabotaged the station, opened all the air lock doors, and burned the fuel off the shuttle… killing himself in the process and nearly taking the rest of them with him.

Ronon helped John get the doors to their compartment closed before they completely lost all their air, but his shoulder got pretty banged up in the process. Now the two of them are cut off from the others; he damaged compartments in between in a vacuum.

Yeah. This had been a really, really bad idea.

But John had been distracted by Rodney's hair, looking all rumpled and sexy after he took off that helmet. It made John remember the day they first met. Orange looks so good on him. It makes the blue of Rodney's eyes pop out.

The station rumbles and John stays seated on the floor watching as Ronon gets up and starts pacing restlessly, holding his wounded arm in place.

After some time, Ronon says, "I'm not good at this."

"What?"

"Waiting to die." Ronon says with a dark expression.

"Don't think about it." John tells him.

Ronon keeps pacing, "I don't like small spaces."

"Could be worse." John tries to reassure him.

Striding angrily, Ronon asserts, "Personally, I'd rather die fighting."

"I'd rather not die."

"I'm just saying." Ronon grimaces.

"Okay, look." John offers, "If this rock burns up in the atmosphere, I'll fight you to the death myself, deal?

Ronon smiles and stops pacing. "You're on."

.

.

When Atlantis finally dials the gate to check on them, John tells Elizabeth they are in trouble, to send Beckett with a rescue team and some cutting equipment ASAP.

"What's happened?" she asks.

"We got ourselves in a..." John waves his hand uncertainly at the station groaning around him, "damaged moon base in a decaying orbit, cut off from each other."

"–And we lost the Jumper." He adds quickly, giving a frustrated shrug, " _THAT_ happened. Well, there's more to it than that, but, but you get the idea."

She tells them that help is on the way and asks what else she can do.

"Hurry!" Ronon shouts gruffly.

The wait doesn't seem as bad now. As long as they don't suffocate or burn up in the next 20 minutes or so…

.

.

* * *

.

.

After the rescue party arrived and helped repressurize the station, Rodney found out that Teyla was placed into one of the storage devices by the other guy. The one who didn't kill himself. Apparently he thought it was the only way to ensure that his people would be safely taken to the surface of the planet and rematerialized there.

The moon won't survive another orbit, and there was no way to hook the machine Teyla was trapped in up to another compatible technology. That's when John decided to get himself killed by trying to fly that ancient shuttle –the one without any fuel- down to the planet.

Rodney's chest tightened when he realized what John intended to do. Despite his great objections, John had shouted at him to ready the machine so they could load it into the ancient shuttle, "Listen, just get the thing disconnected! That's an order!"

He knows John well enough to realize he can't talk him out of this. Even if it means taking a suicidal risk, John will go to any length to rescue someone on his team.

The station quakes and heaves around them as the falling moon makes its final descent. Once Rodney gets the device ready, he bites his tongue as he instructs John about getting the device into the receptacle.

Seemingly unconcerned, John just nods and walks forward, "All right, let's do it."

"Just," Rodney lifts a finger because he can't stop himself from trying to stop this madness, "can I say one more thing?"

John turns around, "As long as you say it as fast as you can."

"Don't do this." Rodney begs, "It's impossible."

"Willing to bet a week's wages on that?" John smirks.

"Oh yeah," Rodney asks morosely, "How are you gonna pay up if I win, huh?"

"Thanks for caring." John quips.

Rodney lowers his eyes as John tells the rest of the crew, "Yeah, All right, radio Atlantis as soon as you're clear. Keep a safe distance with the Jumper. I'll try to maintain radio contact."

Wondering if this is goodbye, he sorrowfully watches John leave.

"Hey," Ronon stops John on the way into the shuttle, "remember, you still owe me a fight to the death."

Closing his helmet, John says something, but it is too muffled for Rodney to hear. Then John slaps Ronon on the shoulder and walks into the shuttle. The rest of them make their way back to the Jumper and fly to safety.

"All right," John updates them, "I've got the device locked into place. Looks like internal power switched on automatically. Closing rear hatch now. See you guys on the ground."

"The moon's decelerating in the upper atmosphere." Rodney tells John, "You've only got a few minutes to familiarize yourself with those controls."

"It's pretty straightforward." John says casually.

"We're gonna lose radio contact as you pass through the atmosphere."

"I know, Rodney."

With a heavy chest Rodney explains, "I'm saying that if you have anything that you'd like to say, now would be a good time to say it."

"No, not really." John is flippant.

Hearing that makes Rodney ache, there are so many things he wishes he could say to John but here in this roomful of people it is impossible.

Trying to stay helpful, Rodney reminds John, "Now would probably be a good time to disengage."; he tells the others in the Jumper, "Hopefully, the explosive bolts will throw him clear of the moon."

"Initiating separation maneuver in 3, 2, 1, mark! Separation is negative." John reports, "Switching to back-up."

Rodney waits anxiously thinking of all the things he wishes he could say to John right now.

"Disengage." John mutters into the com, "Come on! Damn it!. The bolts will not work! I repeat, the explosive bolts will not fire. Unable to separate ship. I don't know if you can hear me, but it looks like I'm going to have to ride this one down!"

He knew it; he knew this was going to happen. Rodney feels sick to his stomach.

"What's happening?" Ronon asks.

Rodney swallows, trying to keep his voice steady, but it comes out panicked and high pitched. "He can't separate the ship. He's gonna burn up inside the moon."

Keeping his face forward, Rodney stares at the view screen. Maybe John didn't have anything to say… but there was so much more that Rodney wanted to say to him. He still loves John so much. He begged him not to leave. All of it just happened too fast, there was no time to say what was in his heart. Not even goodbye.

As the sensors detect a massive explosion Rodney watches helplessly; the moon has lost all structural integrity. There is no way John survived that.

Then Rodney's heart leaps, he points to the screen, elated that the shuttle has been thrown clear, "There it is!"

But John still has to land the damn thing and the odds of that are pretty slim. Rodney continues to watch the screen in apprehension as the shuttle reaches the surface and touches down.

Lorne tells his men, "Get as close to the crash site as possible."

"Can you tell if he's alive?" Carson asks.

"Not yet." Rodney's voice is soft and emotional, "Wait."

The sensor beeps and Rodney's tone changes to one of smug satisfaction, "I'm detecting one life sign."

John's shaky voice comes in over the com, "That's one week's pay you owe me, Rodney."

"You know, technically, I didn't take that bet." Rodney laughs.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Once they are back on Atlantis, John pays Teyla a visit in the infirmary. Carson says she is fine, but he is taking every precaution and monitoring her just in case there is a side effect from the re-materialization.

The two of them chat for a bit and John is surprised to hear her defend the man's actions. She is sympathetic that he tried to save his people; although he did not survive the rematerialization, he saved the last of his kind, through John.

"It's not the reason I did it." John frowns.

"I know." Teyla smiles at him.

Making a joke to clear the air of any undue emotion, John tells her, "Don't go feeling special now. I would have done it for any one of you."

"Of course." Teyla says as John turns to leave.

"Except maybe McKay." he mutters comically.

"Yes," Teyla calls after him, "I think even for Rodney."

John smiles and calls over his shoulder, "Maybe."

As he alone walks into the hall, he sighs. _'Of course for Rodney. Especially for Rodney.'_

.

.

* * *

.

.

After dislocating his shoulder on that moon base, it has taken a couple weeks for Ronon's arm to heal completely. In the meantime, he hasn't let John forget his promise to fight to the death, since technically the moon _did_ burn up in the atmosphere.

Every time Ronon reminds him, John makes a face and just says, "Looking forward to that."

Their conversations lately haven't lasted much longer than that. In fact, over the past months Ronon has barely gotten John to interact with him off duty. He knows John isn't upset with him. Still, for some reason John is avoiding him. It's weird that he makes time for McKay; Ronon's seen the two of them playing chess more than a few times.

But tonight John has finally agreed to face Ronon in the gym. As he enters the room, Ronon sees John is already holding some of Teyla's fighting sticks; his eyes have a fierce gleam to them. Ronon doesn't need to ask if John is ready, he grabs some sticks of his own and takes a defensive position.

John comes at him in a brutal and sudden show of force. Ronon deflects him easily. Usually John is more calculated in his attack, saving his strength for a moment when Ronon has his guard down. But Ronon doesn't hold back, he swings without mercy and glances John across the side of the head.

There is a look in John's eye, a clench to his jaw that says he is out for blood. John rushes back in, throwing his body into series of brutal strikes. Ronon rolls into them, flipping himself around, stopping each blow, and finally kicking John's feet out from under him. Before John realizes what has happened, Ronon is helping him up and retreating to a ready stance.

The fight continues like this for over an hour, Ronon is getting a solid workout but John is being soundly beaten. Normally, Ronon would tell him to stop and go to the infirmary, John must have a few cracked ribs and blood is running down the side of his face. But for some reason Ronon knows John needs this and wouldn't forgive him for backing down.

So Ronon keeps attacking until John is gasping on the edge of sheer exhaustion. He catches him under the knees and John goes down again. Thinking they are done, he sets down his sticks.

Without warning, John tackles him from behind slamming them both down to the floor. The wind is knocked out of him and Ronon is stunned for a second. Then he is aware of John's fists battering into him. Using his superior size to twist out of John's hold. He grapples with John until he has him flat on his back, pinned and unable to move.

"You about done?" Ronon asks.

"I don't know." John pants, "You dead yet?"

"Close enough." Ronon smiles, "Let's get you up to see Beckett."

Releasing John and standing up, Ronon offers a hand. But John doesn't move, he just stares blankly up at the ceiling. A strange kind of hush has fallen over the room, one Ronon feels he should not break.

The side of John's head is bleeding from a gash in his scalp and on the other side blood is dripping from a wound just under his eye. With the hollow expression on John's face, and blood running down his cheek, it creates a macabre illusion of tears.

Somehow this moment feels like the closest Ronon has gotten to the truth. John is dropping the mask and letting Ronon see the pain. He sits on the floor next to John. He wants him to know that he will wait with him until he is ready.

Wondering what comes next, Ronon silently waits. Since losing his home world almost 9 years ago, John has been his closest friend. It goes beyond saving his life; the loyalty John has shown him says more than the unspoken words between them ever could.

It burns him up inside watching John in this stranglehold of pain and not knowing how to help. Ronon thought John trusted him; he thought he had earned that trust by now. But Ronon is coming to realize that John is a man of many layers, and he suspects that John is perhaps more haunted and tortured by grief than Ronon is himself.

Right now, with John lying here next to him it is plain to see, but in a flash it will be gone and Ronon won't know how to get through. He sighs and places his heavy hand on John's shoulder, patting it affectionately. John's face crumples up for a moment and then he goes blank again, shaking his head.

Before John can completely shrug this off, Ronon grips his shoulder, "John… You gotta talk to somebody. Whatever's going on with you-"

"I can't." John wrinkles his face in disgust.

"You're gonna have to, at some point." Ronon presses, "If you don't trust me… There's gotta be someone else."

"I trust you Ronon, I-" John frowns and looks at his friend, "it's not about that… It's, I…"

John sighs heavily, "There are some… things from my past that are- they're catching up to me now and I'm…"

He looks away from Ronon, "I'm having a hard time not hating myself right now. I couldn't really handle it if one of my friends hated me too."

"You think I could hate you?" Ronon scowls. He doesn't care what kind of atrocity John thinks he has committed, nothing could change the loyalty he feels.

After a quiet moment, John tells him honestly, "I can't risk it."

"So, you don't trust me." Ronon growls.

"I do. It's not that. I just-" John goes silent again.

Ronon stands up in and shrugs in defeat, "You don't trust me, John."

There is no reply, so Ronon walks to the door. Before he leaves, he mutely looks back one last time. John is still lying there, just staring up at the ceiling.

The day after the sparring match, Ronon manages to exchange a few words with John in the hallway, apologizing for the physical injuries but John won't hear him out. He insists that Ronon was just being a friend and says he appreciates it.

Using the advantage of the moment, Ronon reminds that John that in a couple weeks Atlantis will start implementing Sundays as a mandatory non-work day. He suggests they spend the day together catching up. When he offers to let John choose what to do with their time off, he finally agrees.

.

.

As the weeks go by Ronon sees John isn't getting any better. He looks worse, dark rings under his eyes, barely a smile, ducking out of every social interaction he can. Making plans with John had seemed like a small victory, but as their 'off-day' approaches, John seems more distant than ever.

Ronon decides to have a talk with Teyla to see if she can help. The two of them go for a private lunch, which is easy now that John is always missing and Rodney is usually with Katie. They sit out on a balcony overlooking the sea.

"What is it you wanted to talk about, Ronon?"

He leans back on the bench, enjoying the sun radiating against his skin. "Have you noticed anything weird with John the last few months?"

Teyla reflects, "Yes, now that you mention it, he has seemed rather distant and-"

Ronon interrupts, "He's in pain Teyla, I can't get him to talk to me about it but something's really wrong."

"Should we not ask Dr. Beckett-"

"No." Ronon cuts her off, "Definitely not. Not that kind of pain. He's fine on duty and we don't need to involve anyone in his personal life."

"Then perhaps we should also let it be private." Teyla wonders.

"You haven't seen him like I have Teyla." Ronon shakes his head, "Something is breaking him down inside. It's killing him but he won't talk about it. If it were one of us, I know he would try to help."

"How do you propose we do that?"

"I dunno. I was hoping maybe you'd have some ideas?"

"Well, I suppose all we know, is that something is wrong. If he does not want to tell us, all we can do is be more watchful and careful. Until we know more, or until there is something obvious that we can do to assist him…"

Ronon sighs.

"You're a good friend Ronon," Teyla assures him, "he is lucky to have you. I'm sure this will resolve itself and he will be himself again. At least Rodney seems to be doing well. I would go so far as to say he seems downright happy. So, once we get John back to normal, I think we'll be all be better than ever."

"How long has McKay being dating Katie?" Ronon thinks out loud.

"Oh." Teyla raises her eyebrows, "I don't know. I believe it was shortly after his near death experience with the Ascension device."

"So," Ronon pauses, "It's been almost 3 months, then. That's about the same time John started coming apart."

"You think there could be a connection?" Teyla asks.

"Maybe." Ronon is unsure.

Teyla considers it, "You are not suggesting that Katie Brown could be the source of some romantic rivalry?"

"No." Ronon dismisses the idea, "Definitely not. Besides, whatever's going on is something darker and deeper in the past. –But at first I did wonder if it was something like that. Like maybe he was heartbroken."

"Really?" Teyla looks skeptical, "The Colonel?"

"I know, it doesn't sound like him." Ronon admits, "Yeah, it's not that, I realized it has something to do with the past. He's acting like he's committed some terrible, unforgivable sin."

"Are you sure?" Teyla cocks her head.

"Look," Ronon shrugs, "that's is the best I've been able to get out of him."

Teyla looks puzzled.

"I just wish there was more I could do." Ronon tells her he appreciates her confidence, then he reminds her, "Well we're supposed to see him tomorrow, so he can teach us how to play golf."

"Oh yes," Teyla brightens, "Sunday already."

After a moment she asks, "Ronon, do you not think perhaps it would be better for the two of you to spend some time alone? If you want to try to talk, then I could excuse myself."

"If you think that'll work." Ronon smiles, "I don't know if you're getting out of it that easy. I want to hang out with him and all, but I was kind hoping to get out of the 'golf' game myself."

.

.


	52. Maybe he doesn't have a heart after all

.  
.

Ronon gets up earlier than usual and meets John at his quarters. John seems in good spirits and excited about the golf thing. They grab a bite to eat and then head off with the golf sticks to find Teyla.

When they spot her, Teyla makes a believable excuse and gracefully extricates herself. She smiles, giving Ronon a knowing look on the way out and pats him on the arm. Ronon wishes he could get out of this golf game too but maybe it will give him a chance to get John to talk about what's been upsetting him.

The game is about as dull as Ronon was expecting. He watches in boredom as John and some other guy repeatedly swing their 'clubs' at little white balls, sending them into the water. He can't believe this is a real sport on Earth.

John tries to tell him that it is harder than it looks, actually requiring practice since childhood. Skeptical, Ronon wonders how hard it can be to hit a little ball. Holding his club midway down the shaft, Ronon uses his strength to make it fly. Turns out it's not hard at all.

The guy behind them seems impressed, "Whoa!"

"Like that?" Ronon smirks.

"That was okay." John admits.

"Okay?" the other guy gushes, "You can't even see where it landed."

"Well, it's not a distance game, it's an accuracy one." John argues.

"Well, pick a spot." Ronon challenges. "I'll hit it there."

"First off," John gestures, "your grip. It's all wrong-"

Interrupting their banter, Beckett steps out onto the balcony with a cheery hello. Grinning widely, he invites them both to join he and Rodney on a fishing expedition for the day.

John gives Ronon a questioning look and he returns an expression of clear dismissal. If there is anything Ronon wants to do less than golf, it is going fishing with Beckett and McKay.

"All right, but don't be jealous when I return with a record breaking 'space trout'. Beckett snaps his fingers playfully and taunts them, "Thank you."

"We'll try to contain ourselves." John says wryly.

"Oh, aye." Beckett beams happily as he scurries out the door.

Ronon doesn't think he's ever seen Beckett this excited. It seems like everyone around here gets excited by really boring games. Throwing the club down in disinterest, he tells John, "Time for a real sport. Come on."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Carson catches Rodney off guard in the cafeteria, slapping him on the shoulder "Would you look at that? Great minds think alike! I thought I'd pick us up some snacks as well."

The guilt is burning a hole in his stomach as Rodney says, "Yes, um, about that."

"Rodney." Carson's face falls.

"Look here's the thing." Rodney tries to sound convincing, "You know I would love to go with you."

"No I don't." Carson sounds hurt.

"I would. I do. I just- I ran into Katie Brown and she started to lay the guilt on, you know how I never get to see her, and how the one day I get off, I'm jet-setting off to the coast to sport fish with my best buddy. I mean, she and I see so little of each other, I'm not sure we even count as a couple."

It is a bald-faced lie, and Carson knows it. Rodney is always with Katie these days. "Anyways, look, long story short-"

"Too late, Carson complains sarcastically.

Rodney continues with the last of his long-winded excuse, "I told Katie I would spend the day with her."

"All right." Carson gives a disappointed laugh; it's obvious they both know Rodney is lying but Carson lets it pass without comment

"Hey, you know," Rodney keeps going with his excuse anyway, "if it was anybody else-"

"No, no I understand." Carson says gracefully.

"Yeah, next week, I'm 100% there."

Carson looks hopeful. "You promise?"

"Absolutely." Rodney vows.

.

.

* * *

.

.

"Oh come on!" John points with his wooden sword, "Oh, you are making this stuff up! This is not a traditional Satedan sport. This is an excuse to make me look dumb and kick my ass."

"If you wanna quit…" Ronon shrugs in amusement.

John sighs and moves forward again to meet his opponent.

Ronon lunges skillfully and throws John off balance, smacking him hard enough in the face to throw him onto his back. John stays down on the floor, gasping.

"I'm sorry." Ronon tells him.

"This game sucks."

"Well," Ronon advises, "you need to focus."

"I don't know if that's going to be possible again…" John lets his head fall back onto the floor, "Here, help me get up. I got an idea."

Offering an arm, Ronon pulls John up off the ground. As he stands, John whips his wooden stick across Ronon's bare arm. Feeling less sorry for him now, Ronon growls in anger.

"That hurts doesn't it?" John says with a bit of resentment.

Ronon scowls, rubbing his arm as he follows John out of the gym.

.

* * *

.

.

While Rodney has lunch in the greenhouse with Katie, she professes her appreciation for the attention he has been lavishing on her in the months since they have started dating.

She tells him, "For the last little while you have really made an effort to make time for me and it has been lovely."

Rodney is touched that she has noticed and cared, he tries to express his feelings but rambles on awkwardly, spoiling the mood.

Stopping himself, he tries again, earnestly telling Katie, "I like you a lot, I mean, I do."

She smiles at him with her pretty doe eyes "I know you do, and I like you a lot, too."

"I know." Rodney furrows his brows in concern, "And to be honest, I –I -I find that just… baffling."

"Come on now!" Katie shakes her head in disbelief.

"No-no-no." Rodney lifts his hand, "It's other people too. They find it baffling too"

"I guess they just don't know you like I know you."

"Yeah," Rodney points at her, "but you see, that's what scares me. I mean at some point, you are going to know me the way they know me and then this-"

Katie interrupts, "Rodney, I think I know you pretty well. There's not a lot of subtext with you."

That's not what John would say. John knows Rodney better than anyone, except maybe Carson. John has seen so many sides of Rodney and even he says Rodney is an enigma to him. It often feels like John can see right through him. Still, John knows there is more, more that he can't see.

No, John is right and Katie is wrong. She has barely scratched the surface with him. How can he possibly hope that Katie will still like him if she gets to know him better?

He changes the subject, thinking about how long he avoided Katie after that awkward first date. Taking her hands romantically in his, he tells her, "I am really sorry that I ignored you all that time."

"I bet you are." Katie blinks up at him flirtatiously.

* * *

.

.

John watches Ronon lift the can and smash it to his forehead as hard as he can, "Like that? He asks.

"Yeah," John positions his hand to illustrate the correct position for smashing beer cans, "you got to hit it straight on, as hard as you can."

"Okay." Ronon answers.

It is amusing him to no end that Ronon is taking this seriously, as if John is talking about a traditional Earth sport. John eases back into the comfort of the lounge chair in his own quarters. This is how he prefers to spend the day off, kicking back, eating junk food, and listening to music.

Lifting the ice pack to his face, he tells Ronon, "I'll stick to golf. Your game is a little too much like my day job."

He eyes Ronon, knowing he's been angling to try to get John to talk to him. But John can't talk about that stuff. Instead, he tries to get Ronon to talk about himself.

"So, how long you been here now? A year?"

"A year and a half." Ronon sips his beer and sets it down.

"A year and a half?" John is surprised. Has it really been that long? It still feels like Ronon just got here. John rarely sees him fraternizing with anyone.

"You ever hang out with anyone else besides me and Teyla?"

Ronon shakes his head.

"No, I'm not saying we're sick of you or anything. I'm... I don't know." John tries a different subject. "Are you dating anyone?"

"You mean like a woman?" Ronon smiles.

Spur of the moment, John decides to say something to see how Ronon will react to the idea of two men together; he acts casual, asking, "Or a man?"

"No." Ronon looks amused but not offended; then Ronon's face clouds a bit, "I'm not ready yet."

"Not ready yet?" John's voice softens, "Did you leave somebody behind on Sateda?"

Ronon nods.

"Wife?"

"Close enough."

"Sorry." John feels guilty for prying.

"What about you?" Ronon asks.

"What about me?" John keeps his tone light, hoping to keep the conversation from getting too serious.

"When are you getting married?" Ronon smirks.

"Already done that." John chuckles, "Not very good at it. Besides, there really isn't anyone here that-"

What can he say about Rodney? _'There isn't really anyone here that loves me the way I love them? I blew whatever chance I had?'_

John opts to leave the sentence unfinished and brings the beer to his lips, saying instead, "Yeah, you know."

"See," Ronon gives him a playful look, "I always thought you and Teyla would, uh, you know."

"Really?" John is flattered and surprised and laughs a little.

"Yeah, why not?" Ronon asks.

Teyla is hot, definitely hot. But John wants someone else. "Mmmm-" John barely begins, when a booming explosion shakes the building and stops the conversation short.

.

* * *

.

.

Ronon paces in Rodney's lab thinking about Teyla's condition. Unlike some of the others caught in the blast, Carson said she'd survive, that it would be a successful surgery. Rodney says he can explain what happened but he is going on and on about some kind of Ancient machine he had junior technicians checking out.

"I should have been there." Rodney whines, "those idiots always go and touch something they shouldn't. It was some kind of failed weapon abandoned by the Ancients; but the radiation it emits effects all biologic material, not just Wraith."

"Get to the point, McKay." Ronon scowls.

"Fine, fine." Rodney fidgets, "Long story short, it creates explosive tumors."

"Explosive tumors?" Ronon can't believe what he is hearing, "Are you kidding me?"

"I wish I was." Rodney sounds tired as he and John go on to conclude that the other junior technician who turned on the machine could explode any minute.

"Then we need to find this guy before anyone else gets killed." Ronon's hand strays instinctively to his pistol, flipping it to a stun setting as John makes the call for an ordinance disposal team to be on standby.

Rodney makes a citywide announcement and a call comes back from the infirmary. One of the nurses says the man is there, having sustained minor injuries from the explosion earlier.

"He's in the OR right now?!" Rodney's eyes go wide and his posture changes to one of extreme tension as he tells the nurse to get Carson on the radio with him.

Now Rodney is the one pacing as he waits for Beckett to get on the com.

Ronon folds his arms as John sends a team to the operating room.

Suddenly Rodney is yelling into his com, pointing his finger as he strides anxiously about the lab; he explains that the man Carson is working on has been infected with an explosive tumor.

Getting more agitated as the conversation continues, Rodney yells, "It _is_ possible Carson! Look, you need to get you and your team out of there. Sheppard has an ordinance-disposal crew on its way."

Answering something Carson said, Rodney's voice gets louder as he paces with intensity, "He doesn't have to move. You do!"

The quarantine alarm begins to blare and Ronon leans over as John checks the laptop on the table.

"He used his authorization code to seal off the whole level." John reports, "We can't get to him."

Ronon stays frozen in his seat as Rodney pleads, "Carson, you cannot seriously be considering operating on this guy."

As Rodney continues to rant and plead with Carson about what little time he has, Ronon turns his head. He's heard McKay panic plenty of times but never seen anything quite like this.

He closes his eyes hoping Carson will be able to do this in time. He's come to really care for the man who removed the Wraith tracking device from him and freed him from a life on the run. But he knows how much more this must be scaring Rodney; he's probably Rodney's closest friend.

"Okay," Rodney sounds like he is going to explode himself now as he sputters, "look, this is very brave and all, but-"

John suddenly interjects, sounding commanding as he speaks to Carson through his com, "What if the explosion causes structural damage? What if the tower comes down with everyone in it?"

"Exactly!" Rodney shouts, pointing his finger at John.

It doesn't seem to get through because Rodney is screaming again, "The man is already dead!"

"Carson," John's voice is steady, "I can't order you to stand down, but-" He stops talking and looks to Ronon shaking his head.

After a moment he tells everyone in the room, "He's off the com."

"No-no-no" Rodney is shaking as he grabs the computer, "If anything happens to him…"

"Stupid idiot technicians" Rodney hisses through clenched teeth as he types at the keyboard, "It's going to take too long to hack the access codes to get that section open again."

It is hard to miss how genuinely rattled Rodney is. Sure, he gets upset a lot but this is different. Ronon frowns remembering something. Weren't the two of them supposed to leave for a fishing trip today?

Chewing his lip in frustration as he types, Rodney suddenly grabs the computer and flings it against the wall. It smatters to the floor in several pieces.

"I can't do it in time. There's not enough time to override the, the… We're not going to be able to get to him."

Ronon simply blinks at the smashed computer, he's never seen Rodney do anything like that before.

John puts his hand out, "Rodney-"

"Give me another one" Rodney snaps his fingers at Zelenka, "Yes, yes, that laptop right there."

"Rodney" John's voice stays steady, "We should brief Elizabeth, maybe she'll think of something we've missed."

Balling his fists up against the side of his head like he is thinking, Rodney storms out of the lab.

"We'll fix this." John tells Ronon as he goes after Rodney.

"Right." Ronon sits in the chair feeling useless, wishing there was more he could do.

Zelenka meekly places a new laptop in front of him to replace the one Rodney destroyed and then begins to clean up the broken pieces of the ruined one from the floor; he tells Ronon, "They'll think of something. They always do."

Nodding, Ronon thinks of how many near death situations they've escaped. Just, when it comes to the stuff like this that doesn't involve fighting, there isn't much for him to do. Maybe he should learn more about science.

He hates waiting like this. He doesn't even have his com with him, so he has no idea what is going on out there.

After what seems like an eternity Zelenka nods to him, "Hey, Beckett got it out. The team is going in now to remove the bomb."

A moment later John and Rodney come rushing back into the lab, John is speaking loudly, "Just stay put, Doc!" he leans over to Ronon, "Carson's trying to take the container to the crew…"

Visualizing Carson carrying an explosive tumor, Ronon tenses in anticipation. Carson is going to be okay, he's almost there.

Then John nods to let them know it is over. "Okay. It's gonna be okay, he just handed off the-"

An explosion rocks the building.

As Ronon looks up at the others in the room, no one says a word. Rodney's face is a mixture of terror and grief. He wants to tell him to wait; they don't know if Carson is injured. But the grim silence in the room stops him.

Then they get confirmation from John's men on the scene; Carson did not survive the blast.

Rodney's form crumples into the wall behind him. With a small pinched wail, he covers his face with his hands.

John collapses into the chair in front of the laptop, just staring at the screen; his face completely blank. Then he stands back up in a stupor and stumbles out of the lab.

Unsure of what to do, Ronon goes after John. He knows John hasn't been doing well and he's worried this might have pushed him over the edge. He catches up to him in the hall and tries to reach for him but John puts out his hand to keep him away. The movement seems to throw off what little balance he has and John almost walks into a pillar.

From a short distance Ronon keeps a watchful eye. John seems to have no idea where he is going, his eyes are glazed as if he isn't even really there and he takes little notice of what is going on around him. Ronon feels much the same as he follows John on his weaving path to nowhere. It is just too much to take in, too much of a shock.

After a while Ronon asserts himself, telling John, "Hey, this way."

Thankfully, John hears him and follows Ronon as he leads him back to John's quarters. He tries to say something as they approach the door but John cuts him off.

"Don't." He waves Ronon back again and closes himself into the room.

Ronon stands mutely by the closed door for some time. It feels like his mind isn't working right. Carson is gone. The last time Ronon saw him he was taking Teyla into surgery.

 _Teyla._

Ronon finds himself walking to the part of the building where the patients were evacuated to, he has to make sure Teyla is okay.

.

.

Everyone in Atlantis is very somber right now; missions have been temporarily suspended. Teyla is still recovering from her injuries.

Rodney is…

Ronon squeezes his eyes thinking about how he'd tried to talk to Rodney. John had all but disappeared and Ronon thought he should try to make sure Rodney was okay.

He'd found him in Carson's quarters; everything was nearly disassembled and in boxes. Rodney had seemed surprised that Ronon was there asking if he was okay.

"Hmm, uh-" Rodney answered stiffly like he was trying to keep his emotions in check, "Not really."

All that came to mind was to ask if he needed any help.

"No, I'm almost done." Rodney choked, looking up like he was trying to keep any tears from falling, "He didn't have a lot of stuff here."

Ronon felt at a loss of what to say, asking if the stuff was going back to Carson's family.

"Yeah. Well, I mean-" Rodney answered softly, taking a short breath to collect himself before continuing, "We will. They don't know yet."

He sounded so stricken, "We're going to send… the body back to Earth, and, um…" Rodney had been fighting to speak without crying then, "I'm going to tell his mother."

It was too heartbreaking, Ronon wanted to reach out and hug the guy, but that just wasn't the kind of thing they normally did. Normally John would be the one looking after Rodney, knowing the right things to say to him, but John has been lost in his own world.

Rodney had looked to Ronon with a vacant despair in his eyes, "I should've just gone fishing with him."

Not knowing what to say, Ronon managed to croak out one word, "Don't" but Rodney kept blaming himself.

"No, if I'd gone fishing, if I'd checked the machine and if I hadn't assigned two junior guys to catalog the lab-"

Ronon tried to sound reassuring, the way John talks to Rodney sometimes, ""Rodney. What's done is done."

That had been the wrong thing to say.

"I know..." Rodney's eyes welled up, "And, uh, that's what's killing me." He'd turned away from Ronon as silent tears began streaming down his face and he returned to packing boxes.

Ronon knows Rodney needs John right now but John has barely said a word to anyone, least of all Ronon. But Ronon has to try, somebody has to get through to him, get him to talk to Rodney. If John were himself, he would know what to say.

Ringing the chime on John's door there is no answer but Ronon knows he's in there, "Sheppard!" he bellows.

After a moment he shouts again, "Sheppard! Open the damn door!"

He is about to yell again when the panel opens.

John stares as if he is looking through him, "What." His voice is flat.

Pushing his way past John, Ronon steps into his room, "McKay. I tried to check on him but he's falling apart. Right now he's up in Carson's room packing up all his things, I think you need to see him 'cause I don't know what to do."

.

.

* * *

.

.

 _'Rodney.'_ John blinks a few times and furrows his brows. _'God, Rodney. He hasn't seen Rodney since the moment he heard that second explosion. What the fuck is wrong with him?'_

"Wha-" John tries to find his voice, "What did you say to him?"

"Not what he needed to hear. I didn't know what to say."

John winces thinking of how much Rodney must be suffering. What the hell is wrong with him, why didn't he even think to go to Rodney? He sighs at the truth. It's because he can't feel anything inside. He isn't right. There _is_ something wrong with him.

Ducking his head, John mutters, "Thanks. I'll try. I just, right now I'm not…" he trails off with a vacant stare.

"Yeah" Ronon nods, "I think we're all, you know, kinda messed up right now."

.

.

 _'Rodney.'_ John blinks a few times and furrows his brows. _'God, Rodney. He hasn't seen Rodney since the moment he heard that second explosion. What the fuck is wrong with him?'_

"Wha-" John tries to find his voice, "What did you say to him?"

"Not what he needed to hear. I didn't know what to say."

John winces thinking of how much Rodney must be suffering. What the hell is wrong with him, why didn't he even think to go to Rodney? He sighs at the truth. It's because he can't feel anything inside. He isn't right. There _is_ something wrong with him.

Ducking his head, John mutters, "Thanks. I'll try. I just, right now I'm not…" he trails off with a vacant stare.

"Yeah" Ronon nods, "I think we're all, you know, kinda messed up right now."

.

.

John finds Carson's room nearly empty of belongings; most everything has been packed up. Rodney must hear him approaching but doesn't turn around; his shoulders are hunched over and he is holding a frame. The only time he's seen Rodney this forlorn, was that day he saw Rodney standing at the edge of a balcony; that time John had been worried he was going to jump.

Placing a hand on his shoulder, John finally feels something; Rodney is warm.

No, that's not right. He should be feeling something more, an emotion. His gaze drops to the frame Rodney is holding; it is a picture of Carson and Rodney laughing together.

"It was his…" Rodney sounds dull, "I wish… I could keep it. -but it should go to his family."

Reluctantly dropping it into the box in front of him, Rodney turns to face John. He looks at him beseechingly, like John has the answer to something Rodney can't find. John's hand falls back to his side; his lips part, wanting to say something, but still not knowing what. There really _is_ something wrong with him, a missing part.

Rodney speaks instead, "Carson was the closest thing to a best friend I've ever had." his voice wavers on the verge of tears. His brow creases and his eyes are puffy and red; it looks like he is about to start crying again.

John knew the two of them were close, but he hadn't realized just how much Carson meant to Rodney until now. For a moment, he feels a pang of regret, realizing that Carson was closer to Rodney than himself. Then, like a flickering light across the water, John has a distant memory of what it feels like to lose the person closest to you.

"I'm so sorry, Rodney." It sounds so empty and contrite.

"Yeah." Rodney sounds dull again, gesturing with his hand, "I'd better get this…"

"Let me help you." John grabs the box with the picture.

While they are walking, John swipes the picture frame and sticks it in his jacket. This stuff is just going to storage for now; he'll put it back later.

Really there was no reason to pack everything up so fast. It will be another day before they head to Earth with the body. He supposes Rodney has needed something to do until then. When they finish making their trips with the boxes, Rodney looks completely lost, like he doesn't know what to do with himself.

"You heading to Katie's place now?" John asks.

"No." For some reason Rodney winces mildly, "No, I just need to be alone for a while."

As John watches him walk away, it seems wrong that Rodney should be alone right now. A bit hypocritical since that is John's favorite solution himself.

He wishes he could feel something more than this blank wooden sensation. A registry of some kind of real pain, something that would make him want to hit the punching bag again. But when Carson died it was like all the air went out of him. Just a big empty nothing.

John walks through the next day in a stupor, remembering little of what he says or does. He packs some things for the trip to Earth and puts on his dress uniform for the memorial service.

Stopping by the infirmary to check on Teyla, John spies her struggling to get out of bed and stops her. But she is insistent that she wants to be at the memorial before they send Carson's body back to Earth.

She inhales sharply in pain but continues to sit upright. Realizing Teyla won't be talked out of it, John moves to help her.

But then she catches him off guard by looking soulfully up at him and asking, "How are you doing?"

"Me?" John shrugs, "I'm fine, but I didn't get major surgery two days ago."

"That is not what I meant." Teyla looks accusingly at him and peers into his eyes for a real answer.

"Well, it hasn't hit me yet." John looks away uncomfortably, "Not looking forward to it when it does."

 _'If it ever does.'_

Rodney was right when he told John that he didn't have a heart. All his wreckage has twisted him beyond repair.

"I feel a great sadness." Teyla reflects all her grief in her eyes, "He… I feel a great sadness."

After Elizabeth finishes delivering the eulogy, they open the wormhole to Earth and the pallbearers step forward. John and Rodney hold the front positions next to each other.

Before they step through the event horizon, John exchanges a look with him. He tries to reflect strength and let Rodney know that they will make it through this somehow. Solemn and careful, they step through the gate together.

.

.


	53. Scotland

.

.

The trip from Colorado to Scotland feels like a blur to John. When they arrive in the remote town Carson's mother lives in, he busies himself finding sleeping arrangements. There isn't an Inn big enough to accommodate of 6 of them, so John books 3 rooms in 2 different spots.

They are relatively close by, so it shouldn't be an inconvenience. Of course, John books Ronon and Rodney in the same spot as himself. Lorne, Zelenka and that woman from the medical team can stay at the other place.

After getting settled into their rooms and having a pint in the pub downstairs, Rodney tells them that he's going to head out to the Beckett's house. John would have preferred to stay and have a few more drinks, but he stands up in solidarity without bothering to ask if he is invited.

Rodney accepts his unspoken offer and they go together. At the house, John lets Rodney do most of the talking, interjecting a positive statement here and there about what a great man Carson was.

It is a difficult experience; there are tea and refreshments, and of course, weeping. While Carson's mother grieves, Rodney holds her hands. He looks moved but never breaks down himself; Rodney stays strong for her and treats her with care. He tells delightful stories about what a wonderful man her son was. If Carson were here he would be proud.

By the time they head back to the Inn, it is late. Fortunately, the kitchen is willing to make them a meal. Making dinner conversation doesn't seem appealing right now and they both request to have the food delivered to their respective rooms.

Though eager to sleep, John takes his time eating. He told Rodney that he could use the adjoining bathroom first. As he finishes his meal, he can hear the sound of the shower go on in the other room.

John checks his laptop. There was something he wanted to order while he had the chance, being back on Earth and all. It looks like it is finished; he should be able to pick it up once they are back in Colorado.

While waiting, John considers listening to his Johnny Cash song but decides against it. It's a tonic for pain, not to be abused when he is tired and numb. Finally, the sound of the shower goes off and it seems Rodney has returned to his room. John grabs his towel and knocks on the door.

No answer. Exhausted, John steps into the shower, he leans his head back in relief under the hot water. His neck is stiff from the flight. Then he realizes he forgot his toothbrush back in the room.

He just wants to sleep, so he rubs his fingers over his teeth in the water and turns the spigot off. Quickly drying, he puts on a comfy black shirt and fresh boxers. He's about to get in bed, but grimaces at himself. It'll take less than a minute. He grabs his toothbrush and returns to the bathroom. His hand is on the sink faucet when something stops him from turning it on.

A noise. It is muffled, but the gut wrenching sobs are unmistakable. His stomach lurches. Rodney. This is not the sound of quiet grieving; it is the sound of utter despair, brokenness of spirit, wailing for relief that doesn't come.

John feels something, emotion slamming painfully through his body. Hearing Rodney hurt has made the off switch go back on. Fuck it hurts. Everything hurts. It doesn't matter, he has to get to Rodney, make it better. John turns off the bathroom light and cracks the door into the darkened room.

Rodney is hunched over himself with his face buried in a pillow. The bed is doublewide and John climbs up onto it without thinking. Rodney's sobs lessen a bit, like he is trying to regain control. John grabs a pillow and places next to Rodney on the middle of the bed.

Then he lies down, folding himself around Rodney's shape and placing his arms gently around Rodney's back. Choking a little bit, Rodney's sobs hitch, but John can tell it is in relief.

 _Oh. This is how he should have gone to Rodney before, when they were in Antarctica. He should have taken him in his arms._

"I've got you, Rodney." He whispers. "It's going to be okay."

"N-no." Rodney makes a keening noise and speaks into the pillow, in fits and spurts. "It... It...is-isn't…"

"Maybe not." John sighs, pulling Rodney closer, "But you're not alone."

And Rodney seems to accept that. His body goes limp and he cries in a different way. It is still the sound of grieving an irreplaceable loss, but it is comforted instead of lonely. John's hands move across Rodney's back with familiarity, intimate and loving. Rodney seems to feel it, as his sobs start to lessen in strength and come more infrequently.

Holding Rodney now, John feels so much love. He has been aching to show it somehow. He hates how needy he has felt for Rodney, but having Rodney here needing him, makes it so much easier. Easier not to feel desperate and weak for needing someone he shouldn't. Rodney has given him a reason to express love that doesn't need justification.

He does have a heart, he can feel it now, and it belongs to Rodney.

John snakes his hands across Rodney's frame with all the tenderness he has never expressed, all the emotion that is in his soul.

Slowly, Rodney's breathing returns to normal, he is saying something but John can't make it out through the pillow. He reaches his hand up and gently pets Rodney's head. Oh. That feels too good. He keeps his hand where it is and pets Rodney's hair again. It is so soft.

"Can't hear you through the pillow."

As Rodney starts to turn his face, John reluctantly lets his hand slip away. Rodney turns to his side, facing John.

Inching closer, John keeps his arms and body protectively wrapped around Rodney; Rodney's tearstained face only a few inches from his, just far enough away to gaze easily at each other.

Rodney gives him that beseeching look again; like he is searching for something he lost. John lets his eyes radiate the emotion he is feeling and softly smiles. He wishes he could tell Rodney how much he loves him, but if he can't say it, at least he can show it.

Whatever Rodney needs right now, John will try to give it to him. He reaches up again to Rodney's hair, petting it. Lost in the sensation, he lets his fingers trail down the side of Rodney's face without meaning to. Rodney looks confused and his mouth opens in surprise. Feeling guilty, John moves his arm to Rodney's shoulder, petting his back instead.

"What were you trying to say before?" He asks.

"It was all my fault, you know." Rodney lets his eyes rest in John's, he looks sad but relaxed and spent.

John starts to disagree with him but Rodney cuts him off. "Don't. Don't try to tell me what to feel."

"I, I was supposed to go fishing with him." Rodney continues, "It was all he was looking forward to for weeks and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hate fishing.

And, and, I had those junior techs checking out that machine. If I had just done it myself there wouldn't have been any exploding tumors but-

But I wasn't a good friend because I lied to Carson. I lied to get out of the fishing trip. And it was a terrible lie, he knew it was a lie and he was too kind to call me on it. I told him that Katie and I hadn't had enough time to spend together, that we barely saw each other and she was guilting me about the relationship. So you see-"

"I was a selfish friend," Rodney takes a big breath, "he was the only person in the world who ever got to know me completely, to really know me. He knew all my dark secrets, things I've never told anyone else and he was still my friend. He was the kind of friend I thought I'd never have, but I was selfish.

My last act as a friend was petty and selfish. How can I ever forgive myself for that? For being responsible for killing my best friend in the world? There will never be anyone like him. And now he's gone, and, and, and I can't even say I'm sorry." Rodney's eyes begin to well again but he stays calm.

Letting him make his confession, John keeps petting Rodney and holding him. He feels sad realizing Carson knew Rodney better than himself, that Rodney doesn't tell John everything. He knows it isn't fair, he hasn't told Rodney all of his dark secrets but he wishes he could. He wishes he was something more, at least Rodney's best friend.

"People that get to know me usually don't like me very much, Carson was different." Rodney says morosely.

"I like you Rodney." John objects.

"Yeah, but…" Rodney seems dismissive as if John didn't enter his calculations, "You don't count, you're-"

"I'm what?" John prompts him.

"Well you're you, you're," Rodney answers offhandedly, "weird."

"I'm weird?" John raises his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Rodney gives a sad laugh, "that's, ah, hardly saying anything coming from me."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Realizing suddenly that he isn't crying anymore, Rodney feels embarrassed about his meltdown. He has to say something to give John permission to leave.

"Well. I guess I'm okay now." He smiles weakly.

But John doesn't let go; he moves his hands deliberately across Rodney's back and squeezes him closer. Rodney sighs and surrenders to John's attention. Nothing feels as good as this, being held like this is amazing. It makes Rodney lightheaded, makes him think about how much more he wished he could have had with John.

He has gotten used to setting such thoughts aside. But for the moment, he will let himself indulge in whatever this is. Whatever this is, John has never touched him like this before, but Rodney knows he won't stay like this for long. The occasions when John makes himself accessible are few and fleeting; he disappears again just as suddenly.

It doesn't matter; Rodney will take what he can get. He closes his eyes and shivers under John's touch. Then, uncurling his arms from his chest, he reaches out to feel John. When John doesn't recoil from him, Rodney is emboldened.

Returning the gentle caresses, he reaches his arms around John and runs his fingers down his back. He keeps it simple, not doing anything other than what John has already done.

When he remembers that John was petting his hair earlier, Rodney starts to think about how much he has always wanted to touch John's dark locks. He works up the courage and then reaches up, unsure of where to start. He sets his hand on the back of John's neck and combs up with his fingers wide.

Oh Wow. It is thick and wild. Rodney's hand finds the top of John's head and he can't stop himself from closing his fist and clenching at the unruly mane.

John inhales sharply and Rodney self-consciously releases his grip. But he needs more, he needs to be closer to John; he nestles up against him and rests his head in the crook of John's arm. John accommodates and moves his body even closer, pressing into Rodney.

A deep feeling of contentment overtakes him and Rodney sighs. Letting a hand rest on John's chest, he enjoys the sensation of John's fingers sweeping over his head and back. After a while Rodney realizes he must have drifted off to sleep. John is rousing him.

Petting his head softly, John asks, "Hey… Rodney? You want to move up to the…"

"Mmmm." Rodney mumbles sleepily. He follows John under the covers, bringing his pillow back to the head of the bed. As soon as they are under the blanket, they move together seamlessly, reaching for each other.

He rests his head on John's shoulder, his hand across John's chest. The way they are right now feels so completely connected, embracing each other, their bodies folded into each other in a perfect fit. Somehow he always knew they would fit perfectly if they could hold each like this. Rodney closes his eyes and lets himself fall asleep to John's loving caresses.

.

.

* * *

.

.

After a night of drinking with Lorne, Ronon stumbles up the stairs to his bedroom. Honestly, he could have gone another few rounds. He doesn't even feel tired. John is usually up late, maybe he'll see what he is up to. Ronon looks at the room across the hall from his. The light is peeking out from under the door; Ronon enters without knocking.

The bed is empty, still made. Ronon starts to reach for his pistol before he remembers where they are no Wraith in Scotland. He turns the light off and wonders where John could have gotten to.

Then he hears a voice from the next room. It sounds like John, "Hey... Rodney..." The rest he can't make out.

Ronon turns the bathroom knob and walks in. The door to the adjacent room is wide-open and he is shocked to see John and Rodney getting into the same bed. As soon as they are under the blanket they move together in a way that is very familiar and intimate.

Rodney curls up on John's chest and John strokes Rodney's head in a loving and protective manner. Ronon is a bit drunk so he just stands there with his mouth gaping, taking the scene in.

Wow. John and Rodney… He never would have guessed. But wait, they aren't together? Rodney is with Katie Brown, it's not like he ever lets anyone forget the fact.

Oh. And there's the connection. John's breakdown started around the same time Rodney started dating Katie. So what the hell are the 2 of them doing together now, and why would John be so secretive about this? Ronon comes to and backs out of the room as quietly as he can. None of his business. He heads back to his room to crash.

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* * *

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Blinking and coming to, Rodney realizes it's morning and he and John are still tangled lazily across each other. They've done this before –slept in the same bed… but never all wrapped up in each other under the same blanket… Never so, so intimate. Those other times, John was always up and out of bed in the morning before Rodney, acting like nothing had happened; and of course they never talked about it afterward.

This could be awkward. How will John react? Usually John gets up much earlier than he does and he wonders if John is awake now. As if to answer the question, John sleepily stretches and reaches over to Rodney, grabbing him under the covers and spooning him with their legs intertwined.

Whoa. This is different.

John seems contented to doze off again and Rodney relaxes. He feels so tingly and lightheaded with John breathing into his neck, snuggled against him, his arm hugging Rodney's chest… Rodney feels so blissfully peaceful.

When he wakes again John is standing over him gently shaking his shoulder, "Hey… We got that church thing."

"What time is it?!" Rodney sits up in alarm.

"It's about 8:30am Greenwich Mean Time" John answers.

"Oh my God," Rodney jumps up out of bed, "we've got to go. I don't have time to order food now and I'm going to get all hypoglycemic. I've got to say some profound words and, and…"

Panicking, Rodney doesn't understand why John looks so calm. John smiles and gestures like a stewardess to a platter of food on the table.

"Wow," Rodney blinks, "coffee and everything."

He looks up at John shyly, "Thanks, that's really… Thanks."

"Ronon and I will be downstairs." John gives a playful nod towards the door.

A rush of gratitude washes through him as he watches John walk away. John has made him feel like he isn't alone, like he doesn't have to do this alone. Last night Rodney had felt like he wasn't going to live through these feelings, but now… Well, at least it is bearable.

John is a really good friend. If only he didn't look so unbelievably sexy in his formal military attire. Rodney needs to put that out of his mind and be thankful that he didn't lose his last friend in the world when he lost Carson.

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* * *

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"Is he still sleeping?" Ronon asks when he sees John walks back downstairs,

"Nah, he's up." John smiles.

Ronon looks at John thinking about what he saw last night, "Nice of you to bring him breakfast in bed."

"Hey, what are friends for." John shrugs easily.

"Yeah." Ronon lifts his brows ambivalently.

During the church service Ronon watches John. He isn't acting any differently than he normally does, but Ronon is reinterpreting everything he thought he knew. When John gives Rodney an easy scowl or lifts an eyebrow, Ronon can see the protectiveness.

John might appear easygoing, but he is acutely aware of every move McKay makes, like he is guarding him. Ronon is sure that John must be in love with Rodney. It is strange, definitely. Not the type he thought John was interested in, but it's pretty obvious now that he knows.

.  
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	54. Do not open until Christmas

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Later that night Ronon asks the two of them if they want to come out drinking with he and Lorne. Rodney is looking pretty fragile and says no, John follows Rodney's lead and stays behind with him.

Leaving them in the pub to finish their dinner, Ronon heads out. Halfway to the other Inn, he remembers that he left his Earth currency behind. He doubles back, walking the extra 5 minutes impatiently and quickly striding up the stairs to his room.

He can't remember where he put the stuff. Ronon rifles through his things gruffly and is finally rewarded with the pieces of paper he seeks. He flips off the light and opens the door to go.

Just then he sees John and Rodney walking up the stairs to the landing. Something makes Ronon step back into the darkness rather than moving forward to say hello. He tells himself he's just letting them have their privacy.

Rodney stops in the hall suddenly and puts his hands over his face. Ronon can see his shoulders shaking.

"Sorry." Rodney sniffles through his hands.

John immediately reacts and walks over to Rodney attentively. He reaches down and pulls Rodney into a tender hug, holding one hand on the back of his neck and the other around his waist. Rodney seems to melt into him, relaxing his face into John's shoulder.

"Shhh, it's okay, Rodney." John's tall body is slightly stooped to curve into him.

Still sniffling, Rodney moves his hands from his face and reaches up to clasp his arms around John's neck. Ronon notices that Rodney lifts himself onto his toes a little to match the embrace.

It's a very sweet scene, the two of them holding onto each other that way. But Ronon is confused. Does Rodney love John too?

He's embarrassed to be spying on them like this. Clearly his motives were not about privacy. But he has to admit he's very curious to know what's going on between the two of them.

"John?" Rodney is speaking in a broken voice.

He can't hear John's response but Rodney seems to have gotten an answer and continues, "Do you think… maybe…c-could I…"

"Shhh…" John is stroking McKay's head, "What is it?"

"I feel... afraid-" Rodney's voice catches in his tears, "to ask, like I shouldn't-"

"You can ask me anything," John moves his hands to cradle Rodney's face; he looks at him with unmistakable love and longing, "I'll do anything I can."

Rodney is blinking through the tears, trying to meet John's gaze but failing, "I just… really don't want to… be alone tonight, and I was wondering if you could-"

"Of course." John folds Rodney back into him, "Of course you don't have to be alone. I meant what I told you last night. You aren't, you aren't alone. Whenever you need me, I'll be here. I won't ever leave you, I promise Rodney."

McKay heaves into John's shoulder. To Ronon it sounds like he is sobbing with relief.  
After Rodney composes himself, the two of them head into Rodney's room.

Okay... So spending the night together isn't something they usually do. Not if Rodney is asking like that.

Maybe they aren't actually fucking in there. Maybe it's more of a comfort thing. But they are clearly more than friends. Friends don't comfort each other like that.

And the way John held Rodney's face and looked at him … that isn't friendship. There is love involved, at least on John's part. Ronon decides he has done enough prying for one night and heads out.

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* * *

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John lets Rodney shower first, then takes his turn. He loves this feeling -being needed by Rodney, having a reason to touch and hold him in ways he normally can't.

And he knows he can't... can't really _be_ with him. But what he can do, is give Rodney what he needs right now. He can be a friend that Rodney knows is not leaving, someone he can rely on.

When John comes back to the room wearing his black T-shirt and boxers; Rodney is looking bashful, pulling the blanket over himself on the far side of the bed.

"Hey" John lifts a brow, "Isn't that my side?"

"Oh." Rodney gets flustered, "Yeah, if you want… I can-"

"Kidding, Rodney." John gets into the bed, taking the open side.

"Right." Rodney manages a halfhearted smile.

Sliding over, John puts himself within arm's reach of Rodney, not sure if he should touch him. Rodney turns to his side, his back facing away from John; his body looks contorted with pain and John knows he's crying again.

He can't just lie here without comforting him. John moves all the way over and lies against Rodney, hugging him tightly. He presses his face into Rodney's neck. For a moment he breathes and enjoys the sensation of his lips against Rodney's skin.

Then he speaks gently, "It's okay. It's not your fault. It's not your fault, Rodney… just let it out."

The back of Rodney's shoulders heave against John's chest as he gives into the sorrow. John can feel the pain, like it's radiating out of Rodney's body. Or maybe he is just remembering how it felt when he lost Lyle.

No one should ever have to be that alone, and he doesn't want Rodney to feel that way. John rocks his body slightly, moving Rodney with him. His hand sways across Rodney's chest, "It's okay. It's going to be okay, you're not alone in this."

"Not. Okay…" Rodney's struggles to speak through the tears, "My fault."

"I know you don't believe it but you need to hear it. It wasn't your fault." John squeezes him as tight as he can.

"Let him… down, mm-bad friend." Rodney chokes on the words.

"No, no." John brushes his face into the curve of Rodney's neck, "He thought you were a worthy friend and his life was made better by knowing you."

Hearing Rodney whimper, John pushes himself up to look at him. Rodney's hands are obscuring most of his face.

"Rodney. Carson knew you and loved you for who you are. You are a special kind of unique... wonderful person. Not many people get the chance to really know you. And believe me, his life was made better by knowing you."

"Just," John sits up completely and pulls Rodney's shoulder, "Come here. Let me hold you."

"Crying, I'm all wet and-"

"I don't care." John's voice is gentle; he pulls Rodney to face him, hugging him into his chest and holding him possessively.

"You can't know that." Rodney sobs into John's T-shirt, "That I made his life… better."

"I know you've made my life better for knowing you." John's heart swells with love as he strokes Rodney's back.

"Really?" Rodney sounds uncertain.

"Yes! Why are you always so surprised when I tell you something like this? How could you not know how I feel about you? No, never mind. I know, I'm not good at this stuff. That's why I haven't gotten close to a lot of people in my life. I'm… difficult.

But, you know how you feel about Carson? Well, that's how I feel about you, you're that person for me, the one who knows me better than anyone and still likes me. You're the closest thing I've ever had to a best friend."

"Really?" Rodney asks again, "I would have thought Ronon was-"

"Close," John tightens his arms around Rodney, "but not as close as you."

"Are you just telling me what I want to hear?" Rodney sounds suspicious.

"No." John reaches up to pet his hand through Rodney's hair, "Probably I just have more courage to tell you now… because of what we're going through. And I know, it doesn't make any of this any better. But, ah, it's been the case for years."

"It does. It does make it better." Rodney squeezes John with a massive hug, "Well, not better. But not as bad."

"I don't think I can cry anymore." Rodney leans his head back to peer at John in the darkness. "I want to, but I'm so exhausted, I… You know, it, just baffles me that anyone could know me and not hate me."

"Rodne-"

"No, no, so far, it's just been you and Carson. Well, Katie tells me she thinks she knows me, but she doesn't. She says with me there is no subtext, that I'm an open book, but I know I'm not. And once she gets a little deeper, she's going to feel about me the way most people do."

John's heart is breaking but he pushes himself to speak about the woman Rodney loves, "We don't have to be defined by the things that have happened in the past. Didn't you tell me something like that? Not to believe our worst fears are true? Listen, if Katie has half a brain than she is bound to love you too."

"You really think so?" Rodney looks to John with a desperate expression, "I've been told before... I've been told that I'm unlovable."

"By who?" John growls.

"Doesn't matter." Rodney sighs, "Everyone decides I'm not good enough in the end."

"Well, they were wrong." John hugs Rodney back to his chest, "You're lovable, _extremely_ loveable."

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* * *

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Rodney surrenders into John's embrace but wants to ask, _'If that's so true, why don't YOU love me, then?'_

"You've got to count the people in your life that care about you." John keeps rubbing Rodney's back, "You've got Katie, and me, Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ronon-"

"Ronon?"

"Even Ronon. And we all love you. We're your surrogate family, remember?"

"What do you mean?" Rodney stiffens, "I didn't tell you that, did I?"

"Ah…"

"Wait. Did you watch my tape? The one I made when I hadn't slept in 3 days?

"Ford …may have given me a copy."

"Oh, God." Rodney sighs, "Okay. That's embarrassing."

"Well, I really enjoyed your insights on leadership. Not that embarrassing, really …-Oh, except for the part about you spanking it to Colonel Carter every night."

"Oh, God." Rodney cringes.

"Sorry, just trying to make you laugh." John sounds tender.

"I'm not laughing." Rodney frowns at him.

"Well, then, I'll be serious. We _are_ your surrogate family. And I'm saying that we're all here for you. I'll always be here for you, whenever you need me."

Rodney lets out a big stuttering sigh. Maybe he can trust that John won't leave. He'll let himself believe what John is saying. It feels good to believe that. Rodney buries his face into John's neck and lets his hands wander across his back.

"Okay." He answers belatedly, "Thank you."

He spends the rest of the night and the following morning wrapped in John's arms, feeling safe and comforted.

When he finally has to get out of bed for the return trip to Colorado, it is painful to disentangle himself. He loves being all wrapped up with John like this. Now that they're going back, this closeness they've been sharing will come to an end.

Maybe not an end exactly, but it won't be the same. They'll be back to their own beds, returning to their normal lives on Atlantis.

Still, the memory of being held by him, all the things John's told him… he will keep them in his heart always.

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* * *

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After a few days back on Atlantis, John adjusts to his old routine. It feels like everything that happened back in Scotland was just a dream, surreal. Rodney is with Katie now and there is no excuse for John to touch him or hold him the way he wants to.

Rodney's been somber and quieter than his usual self, he hasn't wanted to talk much about Carson's death since they left Earth. But whenever Rodney needs him, John is sure he'll come to him.

Usually John isn't good at talking about feelings, but in this case he feels confident. At least he thinks he made it pretty clear to Rodney how much he cares. Well, except the part about being in love with him. That is something John will keep hidden away.

There's another thing that he has to give Rodney though, something he had made while they were away. He isn't sure if the meaning will translate, but he hopes it will.

He tapes up the small box in some bright Christmas wrapping paper -made all the more perfect since Summer is just beginning back on Earth. He waits for a time when he knows Rodney is in the lab and lets himself into Rodney's quarters.

It's messy as usual, and John clears away the clutter on the bedside table before placing the small gift squarely in the middle where Rodney can't fail to notice it.

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* * *

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Walking with Katie on the pier has been nice but Rodney just feels like he needs some time to himself. Before Carson's sudden death, their sex life had been pretty good. But she's been understanding that Rodney still needs more time to grieve. He walks her to her quarters and kisses her goodnight before making his way back to his own room.

As Rodney gets ready for bed, he notices something is different. Someone has cleared his bedside table and placed a present there.

It could only be John. Rodney examines the box. Christmas paper. -definitely John.

He opens the small tag, it reads, _'Do not open until Christmas.'_

A small laugh escapes Rodney's lips and they curl up into a smile despite himself. He can't believe John remembered that passing comment about never being able to wait until Christmas to open presents.

Knowing John means for him to open it now, Rodney tears away the wrapping in excitement. There is some tissue paper inside and Rodney pulls at it. His hand finds something metal, cool to the touch. Rodney lifts it and gasps.

The picture, the one of he and Carson together… It's here, on a set of dog tags. Or at least, they look like dog tags. One of the pieces of aluminum is stamped with Carson's name, blood type, and other information. The other piece is smooth. Somehow, John has sealed the picture on both sides of it.

Of course.

John had remembered that Rodney wanted to keep it. Just like John had wanted to keep Lyle's dog tags after he died. So John is trying to give Rodney something he didn't have with Lyle, something to remember Carson by, something that will last.

Rodney smiles wistfully at the portrait of he and Carson laughing together. He lifts the chain eagerly over his head, then holds the picture up and stares at it intently. He will never forget Carson, never let go of the friendship. This way, Rodney can keep him close to his heart. He pulls the chain up and lets it fall under his shirt.

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* * *

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It's obvious the moment John sees Rodney's face the next morning that he liked the present. He has always loved how expressive Rodney's face is, how the emotions dance across his features.

When he sees John across the cafeteria, Rodney's eyes widen. Looking like he can barely contain himself, he walks briskly over to John. Rodney reaches out his arm but then pulls back, shifting his eyes around the room. Instead, he places his hand on his chest and grips the dog tags, lifting them up a little from under his shirt.

"I love them." He gazes at John with a vulnerable expression, "I love them so much, thank you."

"You mean, you couldn't wait 'till Christmas?" John jokes but his eyes shine with tenderness.

"That was a nice touch." Rodney smiles in amusement, "You didn't have to. Really, thank you so much."

Softly regarding the man he loves, John lets his face fall into an unguarded expression. Those huge blue eyes looking back at him ripple with emotion. It makes John's heart beat hard and fast. He could almost swear, the way Rodney is looking at him now-

But Rodney's face changes, looking more closed now, he is watching something over John's shoulder.

John feels Ronon slap him heartily on the arm, "Hey. We heading out or what?"

"Yeah." John answers.

"See you later." Rodney gives him a secret smile and raises his eyebrows.

As he walks away, John nods casually. He hopes that Rodney means later tonight. Maybe they can hang out and play chess if Rodney isn't too busy with Katie.

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	55. John's 'therapy' sucks

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Too tired to head for the gym, John wishes there was some kind of better therapy to deal with this heartache. But returning from their recent misadventure on the newly discovered underwater drilling platform, he is exhausted. His only other recourse is to retreat back to his room for some Johnny Cash and try to sleep.

The next weeks bring a lull and John finds himself wishing for the adrenaline of a new emergency, something to stop the train wreck in his mind. He falls into a dull rhythm, going through the paces. Of course he spends time with Rodney when he can; he seems to be past the worst of it with Carson. But Rodney has taken John's advice about Katie and stopped isolating himself from her. Still, when he isn't busy with Katie, they get a chance to play chess and catch up. John likes to see the relief of the dog tags under Rodney's shirt. It provides him some comfort to feel like he's given him something to help ease the pain. And it reminds John of their time together in Scotland.

 _Katie._ So, maybe the two of them aren't perfectly suited for each other, but Rodney is happy. At least, he and Katie seem to be doing well. John would never say any of this, but he thinks Katie is too boring for Rodney. She's flat and one-dimensional while Rodney is dynamic and complicated. Katie has no sense of humor at all. She is just nice, too nice and polite, a drab botanist. What Rodney really needs is someone he can banter and laugh with. Someone who inspires passion but makes him feel safe enough to share his worst fears and deepest desires. That isn't Katie.

John forces himself to stop obsessing before his train of thought goes too far. He knows he isn't the one Rodney needs, but John aches for him. He can't stop imagining what it would feel like if Rodney wanted him back. It is an abstract idea; a longing that doesn't match with reality. What Rodney wants is a pretty wife, someone he can share a domestic life with, not a man. And not someone who's never figured out how to have a real relationship.

The old fear John has always harbored about being gay, being a 'faggot', is something he can't hide from any more. Still he doesn't think he is completely gay, he's definitely attracted to women. He doesn't want to be with a guy, any guy -or any woman for that matter. He just wants Rodney.

Nights John spends in the gym working out his frustration. To sleep he listens to Johnny Cash. Mornings he wakes with thoughts of Rodney and strokes his cock to one of the various images in his mental library.

Flipping through them back in time, John has plenty to choose from. Sometimes he likes to change the outcomes and add his own endings. The two nights they recently spent in each other's arms back in Scotland are the latest additions. Holding Rodney so close, their bodies wrapped around each other, it felt like they'd always belonged that way… Trailing his fingers down the side of Rodney's cheek… Rodney running his fingers through John's hair and clenching his fist into it like he couldn't stop himself….

Then there was the time Rodney held John when he was suffering from that PTSD episode. The way Rodney had loved and accepted him, the way he'd pulled John into an embrace that John would never have known how to ask for. Rodney had given him what he needed, even when John hadn't known himself. Then he'd invited John to stay in his quarters anytime he felt like it. After that John practically lived on Rodney's couch. Back on Earth they'd spent a lot of nights together in the same bed, but John hadn't dared to let himself get as close as he'd really wanted to. Not until they were together in Scotland and he'd finally held Rodney in his arms ...but by then it was too late with Katie in the picture. He frowns, no Katie allowed in his fantasies.

What else?

Oh. The massages. Rodney had touched his back, touched his skin like he couldn't get enough. John felt so much aching and longing in that touch. Or maybe it had just been his own longing? When John gave Rodney a massage, he was under the influence of that potion, but everything he felt was real. The drug just allowed him to suppress any normal boundaries or fears. All he'd wanted to do was please Rodney. He'd adored, worshipped, and lavished attention over Rodney's back. He hadn't had to worry about his fear of being attracted to another man. He hadn't been worried that Rodney felt his hard-on pressed up against him. Of course they never talked about it afterward. Just like they never talk about any of this stuff.

The best blowjob John ever had was also thanks to an alien influence. But he still feels guilty about that. Rodney never would have done it if he hadn't been drugged with the Wraith enzyme and John should have stopped it. He'd tried to resist but Rodney'd been so aggressive, strong beyond belief. He'd wrestled John to the ground and made him admit how much he wanted Rodney to take him. John shudders remembering the fierce bite at the base of his neck. No one has ever dominated him like that and John had surrendered to the unknown pleasure of it. The orgasm had shocked him with its intensity. Rodney claimed him. Even though Rodney wasn't in his right mind, John's been inextricably bound to him since then. He doesn't think he could ever be free of Rodney now.

It's painful to think further back in time, to the night they were under the stars -lying so close, breathing together. John's skin had been burning with desire when Rodney tried to kiss him, but John had pulled away. More than that, he'd pushed Rodney, as hard as he knew how to. Scared and angry with himself, Rodney had gotten the brunt of that anger.

Rodney had still cared for John in those days, still wanted him.

And John had twisted those feelings back into a knife that Rodney would feel. That is probably when he lost Rodney forever. But he likes to imagine he had stayed instead and let Rodney kiss him, that he had kissed Rodney back and taken him right there on that pier.

They had been getting so close before that fateful night. John couldn't admit it to himself then, but he knows now that he'd begun to fall in love with Rodney. He remembers hugging Rodney in the back of the Jumper after that shoot out with the Wraith. He's never hugged anyone like that, never wanted to let his guard down. Something about Rodney always makes him want to do that.

The earliest memories, are the most compelling sexually, of course. John had fucked Rodney over and over, he'd taken him every way he wanted to and Rodney had given in to him completely. John remembers the first night when he asked if Rodney would let him. Rodney had just gulped his beer and nodded, his eyes like a deer in the headlights. Rodney hadn't expected John to take him right there on the couch. He'd liked surprising McKay like that. Back then he'd just been McKay. And it had been all on John's terms.

One time, John grabbed McKay into a supply closet to have his way with him. McKay had struggled at first and then given in as John had fucked him with his pants still around his ankles. Now that he knows more about McKay's history, the rape, it all feels wrong somehow. He hadn't been gentle or tender enough, and he thinks he may have- No, he knows he hurt Rodney, maybe not physically, but emotionally. It was the only relationship he's ever had with a man and John had tried in his pitiful way to express some of the genuine care and tenderness he was letting himself feel, but it wasn't enough. Not nearly enough. And still, as shut down and afraid as John had been, Rodney had cared enough to reach out for more, to still try to reach him.

If John had the chance to do it again, he would make love to Rodney. John has no idea how to make love to a man, but he wants to believe he could. What he feels for Rodney now is pure love. John's been able to show that as a friend.

In his fantasies he imagines showing it in other ways too. He imagines the way he would make love to McKay now. Squeezing his cock and cumming in a rush; he arches his head back groaning, "Rodney."

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* * *

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Ronon has convinced Rodney to come to the gym for sparring lessons to try to get to know him better, hoping to understand him and see what has John so obsessed. But Rodney just isn't very good at fighting or bonding doing the physical kinds of things Ronon does, so the effort hasn't been very successful. Maybe he should go a little softer on the guy. Rodney really is terrible at the fighting stuff. And getting McKay to talk to him hasn't been going great either. Not that Ronon is usually all that great at talking about stuff.

After losing everyone and everything once before in his life, Ronon finally has a few people that matter to him and he doesn't take it for granted. He's closest with Teyla and John, but he's come to care about McKay in his own way. Lorne is a good guy too, but he feels the greatest loyalty for his teammates. Teyla is easy. She's an open book, warm and caring but a fierce warrior to practice combat with. John is different; Ronon's allegiance to him goes far deeper than just a military commander he respects. He and John, well… John might not trust him completely, but to Ronon, they feel like brothers.

So even if John isn't going to tell him what's going on, it has been hard not to see John and Rodney's interactions in a new light. Ever since Ronon visited Earth, he has realized the two of them seem to have a secret language. They exchange private looks that Ronon can't translate. On missions, they often walk close together, communicating instinctively through touch. Then there is the way that John will say Rodney's name, 'McKay'. And depending on the intonation, Rodney seems to know exactly what he means.

Ronon used to think that the two of them had a more superficial connection and trouble getting along with each other. But now, he suspects Rodney actually knows John a whole lot better than he does. He is coming to understand the playfulness behind their banter.

Like on this last mission, when they were exploring the underground tunnels of the abandoned Taranan settlement, the two of them kept having little arguments. Such as, whether they found 'pods' or 'eggs'. John often makes strange facial expressions at Rodney as if he is annoyed or exasperated. He looks intently at McKay like he is trying to put him in his place, but there is a warmth and familiarity he is trying to cover by furrowing his brows. And Rodney's glares, they aren't really glares; it's a game between the two of them. Rodney acts angry but the corners of his mouth or his eyes give away his amusement.

After John set some C4 to destroy those eggs, or pods, or whatever they were that Michael created, Rodney complained. "I think you singed my eyebrows."

John gave Rodney one of those looks, but Ronon could see he was trying not to smile.

"Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?" Rodney's face was pressed into a petty pout but his eyes were twinkling with mirth.

There is something in the way John holds himself; his eyes linger on Rodney. It's always been there. Ronon just never noticed it until now. It's not any different from how John has always been on a mission. But now that Ronon knows how John feels, it's hard not to see the restrained affection for Rodney bleeding through the mask of command.

Thinking back to the aftermath of the Taranan resettlement site again, Ronon feels a stirring of anger. He had been dead set against the experiment with Michael from the beginning. And after Atlantis had created its own monster, Elizabeth had let it escape instead of killing it immediately when they had the chance.

Now all the Taranans are dead and Michael is still out there conducting his own genetic experiments with humans and Iratus bugs in order to create his twisted army of hybrid creatures. If Ronon sees Michael again, he's not going to wait for permission. No matter what John says; he will kill him on sight.

Heading to the gym, Ronon finds John punching away as usual, with the familiar pain in his eyes.

Sauntering up to the bag, he asks, "So, we ever gonna talk about this?"

When there is no reply, Ronon ventures, "How 'bout you fight me for it?"

Grimacing as if remembering the last time he fought Ronon when he was tired and angry, John relents, "Fine. Let's talk."

"Okay." Ronon tries not to reveal his surprise.

John takes off his gloves and looks nervously to the door, closing it with his mind. Sitting next to Ronon on a stack of floor mats, John relaxes his face into his hands. Ronon waits for him to begin but he only sighs.

"It can't be that bad." Ronon starts.

"I'm kinda -I'm embarrassed to say, that it is. Yeah."

"Why are you embarrassed?" Ronon asks.

"This kind of stuff shouldn't be bothering me." John shrugs, "I have a job to do and I'm-"

After a moment, John begins again, "And, it's kind of, uh, messing with me right now."

"I can see that." Ronon keeps his voice low.

"There's someone -a woman," John looks at Ronon cautiously, "that I can't let go of."

Confused that John is going to refer to McKay as woman, Ronon raises his eyebrows, figuring this is better than nothing, "Someone you were dating?"

"Yeah." John pauses.

"And now?"

"Now she's with someone else."

"You love her?" Ronon says it more like a statement than a question.

"Yeah." John rubs the back of his neck, "More than I've ever loved anyone."

"I thought you said that there wasn't anyone on the station that you-"

"I lied." John's voice is flat, "Sort of. I never really finished that thought. There's no one on the station that I want to be with -except for someone who doesn't want to be with me."

"When did you guys stop seeing each other?"

"It's complicated." John exhales slowly, "Guess about 3 years ago. We weren't together long. I fucked it up pretty bad, actually fucked it up a few times, even after it was over, it's... hard to understand or explain, even to myself. Let's just say, whatever chance I had, I messed it up. But she-we stayed friends, even kind of close in a way. Just, I just didn't realize how deep my feelings were until it was too late.

I, ah, was gonna to try to see if we could, you know, if she'd give me another chance. But she found someone else, someone much better at making her happy. She deserves that so I'm happy for her... but I'm not because it feels…" John's voice gets too heavy to continue.

"But what if she feels the same way about you?" Ronon inquires.

"She doesn't." John gives him a dark look.

Ronon starts to speak but John cuts him off, " Believe me, I would know. Besides I don't wanna fuck up the friendship too. It means a lot to me to still have that."

Out of curiosity, Ronon asks, "What makes her so special? I mean why her?"

John presses his lips together before responding, "She's…. she's the most amazing person I've ever met. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm flying. The way she looks at me… she sees me for who I really am. No one's ever known me that way. And in a way she's like me. She doesn't get close to other people easily but we, we somehow manage to get through to each other. I see her the way she sees me, and she's the most beautiful thing I've ever known.

"Beautiful, huh?" Somehow not the word Ronon would pick to describe McKay.

"It's not just physical... But yeah, there's that. Her eyes are like huge pools of blue water, so expressive, like her hands." John laughs "And that tight little ass."

"Her ass." Ronon starts laughing too because he can't believe John is talking about McKay's ass that way; he shakes his head in amusement.

"But it's her spirit too" John says more seriously, "funny, whip smart, kind of dorky. Even though she's a know-it-all and drives me crazy, it's intense. Just so intense. She's it, you know?" John's voice gets soft, "The love of my life."

"You're life isn't over yet." Ronon offers.

"This isn't something…" John shakes his head, "There's no getting over this. Not even if I wanted to. And I don't think... I _don't_ want to."

"Okay." Ronon accepts that, "Well, you still gotta do something. 'Cause whatever you've been doing isn't working."

.

.

* * *

.

.

"You mean my therapy?" John makes a bemused expression, thinking of his limited options.

"Therapy?" Ronon screws up his face.

"Yeah." John explains, "Mostly being alone and… and punching things."

"Sounds like your therapy kinda sucks. How 'bout," Ronon suggests, "from now on you spend time with your friends instead of alone? Or, you could, you know -just try to get laid. Sometimes that helps."

When John doesn't answer, Ronon makes an addendum, "Look, if you hang out with me, you don't have to talk. -Or talk if you want. But you don't have to pretend that everything's okay. I'm saying, just be where you're at, but don't do it alone."

Ronon is right; his therapy sucks. John nods in surrender.

Over the next few weeks John starts spending more time with Ronon again, introducing him to more of Earth's important cultural offerings. 'The Abyss' is first on the menu for movie night.

It does feel better than spending time alone pining over Rodney. Maybe Ronon is right about the other thing too; maybe he should just get laid.

.

.

John looks out over the balcony with Teyla and Ronon, staring up at the red beam of energy raining down on the shield. Well, he has his emergency now, not that it has helped much. There's nothing for him to do but wait... stuck inside his own head waiting for Rodney and Zelenka to come up with another solution. Sinking the city to the bottom of the ocean has barely dissipated the intensity of the Replicator's satellite laser. They've only gained a few additional hours before the ZPM is depleted.

That ship the IOA sent with the warheads, the Apollo, was unable to damage the weapon; it's protected by a massive power source at the other end. And since it's constructed around an open Stargate, they have no means of dialing out to escape.

Maybe Rodney was right to criticize the directives from Earth; launching a preemptive nuclear strike on the Replicator home world was a bit like poking a sleeping a dragon. Still, the Replicators weren't building that many ships just to make a run on Atlantis; they were headed for Earth and needed to be stopped.

"I need to learn some science." Ronon speaks up.

"What for?" John asks.

"I'm not all that useful in situations like these. If we get into a fight or need to break out of somewhere, you know, kill someone, I'm your man" Ronon lifts his head upward again, "but a laser attacking the city's shield, I don't know where to chip in."

"That's why we're a team," John smiles, "like… the Fantastic Four."

Teyla and Ronon look at him quizzically, and he explains, "It's a comic book where super heroes fight crime and stuff. See, I'd be Mister Fantastic. Ronon would be the thing. McKay would be the human torch." John turns to Teyla, "You'd be the Invisible Woman."

"I am not invisible." Teyla says in her sincere way.

"No. No, and McKay is not a human torch. ' _Why did he think they'd get the comic book references he and Rodney always throw around?"_

"Well, how come you get to be Mr. Fantastic?" Teyla asks like he has offered her a menial position.

"Because he was the leader," John falters a bit, "and I'm the… I'm just saying that they were a cool team... and we're a cool team, and they used their strengths to, you know-"

The faces looking back at him are blank.

He gives up, "I'm gonna go check on McKay."

Finding Rodney and Zelenka uncharacteristically quiet and hunched over their computers, John asks, "Shouldn't you guys be bickering or something?"

"I got nothing to bicker about." Rodney complains, "He's run out of bad ideas. Finally."

Zelenka looks up at Rodney, "If we survive this, I'm putting in for a transfer."

"Please!" Rodney winces sarcastically, "We both know that you've done your best work under me."

Imagining Zelenka under Rodney, John pauses at the intrusive and unappealing image; he doesn't want to think about anyone being with Rodney other than himself.

"Under you?" Zelenka balks, "I'm my own department head, you know."

"Please, we both know that your department is a joke" Rodney scoffs.

Zelenka whines, "What are you-"

"Why don't you guys just make out and get it over with, huh?" John blurts out without thinking.

Shit. He's doing it again, using his banter to cover up the sexual tension he's feeling.'Besides, if anyone should be making out with Rodney it should be John. God knows, he has suffered through enough of Rodney's insults to deserve it.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney flushes deeply. At least the glare he throws back is enough to cause John to look away.

"I mean, we have what?" John continues, "Under one day to figure out how not to get destroyed by this satellite thing, and you guys are arguing about who works for who?"

"Every possible scenario ends in failure." Zelenka sags with defeat. "There is nowhere on the face of this planet that this thing cannot get us."

Lifting his head up at John, the two of them exchange a look. It's obvious that they are following the same train of thought.

"You don't think?" John asks him in excitement.

Rodney murmurs a no but it comes out sounding more like a yes.

"Old girl too banged up?" John wonders.

"No," Rodney is excited now too, "The Replicators fixed all the damage we did with the drones. We just don't have the power."

"Yeah, ideally, but-"

"It'd be the only way." Rodney jumps in.

"What?" Zelenka sounds left out.

"The drilling platform." John asks, "You guys have it operational down there, right?"

Considering it, Rodney answers, "It's close enough but we couldn't bring it with us."

"Bring it where?" Zelenka tries to join the conversation but Rodney and John continue speaking as if they are the only people in the room.

"We don't need to." John speculates, "We just need a boost."

"You're onto the something here." Rodney shakes his finger at John in anticipation and the two of them stride out of the lab together without a word to Zelenka.

"Hey!" Zelenka calls after them, "What's your idea? Hey!"

.

.


	56. PENETRATE?

.

.

Finally. Turning off the city shield has given them that last push they needed to achieve lift-off. The underwater drilling station just didn't have enough juice left in it to get them airborne. John feels the power surge and flood through the engines as the umbilical cord linking them to the drilling station gives way. It was their last link to the surface of Lantea, their last connection to the planet of the Ancients, now broken and left behind forever as the city soars through the air.

Flying Atlantis is exhilarating, like nothing John's ever experienced. Even Rodney sounds impressed and somewhat incredulous, as if he can't believe they really managed to escape the Replicator energy weapon that had them trapped. Once they reach 18,000 feet, Rodney announces that he is raising the shield.

Connected to the chair, John feels everything rushing around him as they leave the upper stratosphere. As soon as they are high enough, he engages the hyperdrive and enters subspace.

Sitting forward in the control chair, he disengages, speaking into the com "We did it." Somehow he really can't believe they pulled this off either.

No one from the control room answers.

John shouts with some concern, "McKay! Elizabeth!"

Rodney's voice is on the line again but he is speaking to someone else. "I need a medical team to the control room stat! Multiple injuries!"

 _'Oh God. Is Rodney hurt?'_ John races back to the control room and finds Jennifer Keller, the new head of the medical department, lifting Elizabeth onto a stretcher.

"Keller, what happened?"

"Apparently the beam grazed the tower and blew out the-" She stops her explanation short to give one of her medical staff direction.

"Elizabeth?" John approaches her unconscious and unresponsive body, "Is she going to be okay?"

"I don't know yet." Keller is terse, "She took quite a fall and her pupils are sluggish. I'm going to have to get her under a scanner. I'll know more in a bit."

 _'Rodney.'_ He'd been conscious enough to call for help, he must be okay.

John runs up the stairs to the next level to find Ronon leaning against a cabinet. A huge shard of glass is sticking out of his shoulder. Gruffly he tells John he's fine, saying there are others more in need of medical help than he is.

"I doubt that." John yells to one of the medical staff, "Get this man to the infirmary!"

Finally he sees Rodney and Zelenka, both looking intact; he breathes a sigh of relief, "You guys all right?"

"All things considered-" Rodney leans over the consoles as some sparks fly from a broken screen above.

He notices that Rodney has small cuts on one side of his face. "What happened?"

"Beam grazed the side of the tower before the shield was completely closed."

"Damage?" John asks grimly.

"Minimal. -I think. I was able to get the shield up pretty quickly. It took the brunt of the blow."

An alarm begins to go off and Rodney looks up in dread, "Oh, what now?"

The city shakes and Rodney runs to a another console, announcing, "We just dropped out of hyperspace." But it is too soon, far too soon for them to have reached their destination; they are stranded in a desolate section of space, no planets, no moons, no Stargates.

"This can't be right." Rodney puzzles over the controls. Then his eyes go wide when he announces to the room that at the rate of current power consumption they have no more than 24 hours left before the shield gives out completely.

John turns around slowly and stares at the ruined control room; in shock, the dire reality of their failed escape begins to sink in.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney is trying to manage the crisis as best he can. He almost has city-wide sensors back online. Subspace communications are down but he has a guy working on it. How can they be losing so much power? Something is bleeding them dry. He groans as the answer comes back from one of his teams. The energy beam has damaged the main conduits.

Pushing past John and Teyla and their incessant questions, he and Zelenka rush about to stem the damage. They both understand what needs to be done and speak to each other in abbreviated sentences as they race to reconfigure the systems. But John is getting frustrated and keeps insisting that Rodney take the time to talk everything through with him.

 _Can't John see he doesn't have time for 20 questions?_ _Nothing is responding, all the systems are -Dammit._

Briefly, Rodney tells them there are a lot of systems on that don't need to be; they are draining the life out of the city. But that doesn't seem to be enough to get John and Teyla to leave him alone. They keep distracting him about how they should attempt manual overrides. He knows they don't have time to complete all the manual shut downs, but to appease them he deploys more people for repairs. John insists on sending some of his men to accompany the teams.

What little power they have is almost gone, at this rate they will be lucky to make it through the night. Desperately trying to reroute, Rodney runs up to one of the alcove power stations.

John follows and sidles up to him, "Listen." he speaks in a low voice.

"What?" Rodney turns.

"You've been making a lot of decisions without consulting me." John whispers.

"I'm sorry." Rodney answers defensively, "We're a little under the gun here. Things move fast."

"I understand that, but with Elizabeth… incapacitated, I hate to say it, but, uh-"

"You're in charge. I know, I'm sorry." Rodney nods; he'd forgotten that Elizabeth's been taken to the infirmary.

John lowers his head as if they are conspiring, "Just keep me in the loop."

Rodney tries to describe the situation to John in the simplest possible terms but John gives him an aggrieved look, telling him, "You dumb this down anymore and you're going to get hit."

"Sorry." Sometimes Rodney forgets that John is smarter than the average military guy.

It pains him to slow down and talk through his work instead of, well, working. But he stops to explain that essentially the ZPM is pumping all their power through the leaky conduits as it tries to compensate enough to keep everything running. If the city hadn't automatically compensated, they would have lost shields and atmosphere already. Eventually, they are going to lose a fatal amount of power no matter what they do. But shutting down all non-essential systems will at least buy them some time. With the help of the teams doing manual shut downs, over half of them are off-line so far.

An alarm starts beeping and whatever optimism Rodney has been struggling to maintain evaporates; the city's outer buildings begin decompressing and losing artificial gravity.

Rodney runs to a console to override it, "It's trying to collapse the shield. It's trying to save power."

"We've got guys out there." John urgently reaches for his com, "Matthews, fall back to the tower immediately- The city's shield's collapsing –MOVE!"

Rodney tracks their progress as the men try to outrun the decompressing sections of the city.

With sorrowful resignation Teyla announces, "They're not going to make it."

"Stop it." John begs Rodney desperately, "Stop it from doing this."

He tries to do as John asks, but it's futile, "The city doesn't think it can maintain the shield unless we make it smaller. If we delay its collapse, it could fail completely."

"I don't care! Override it!" John shouts.

"It's not letting me."

"We're going to lose those guys, McKay!"

"You think I don't realize that?!" Rodney labors with the console, watching helplessly as the men are overtaken and their life signs flicker out completely.

John's voice is hoarse, "Tell the other teams to hurry. I don't want them out there any longer than they need to be."

Watching John stalk out of the control room, Rodney wishes he could go after him. He knows how hard it is on John to lose men under his command. But he is needed here, he has to get a handle on this power drain.

When John eventually returns, Rodney goes with him to Elizabeth's office to speak privately. He hates to keep giving bad news, but he tells John that Elizabeth is in emergency surgery; a piece of her skull is being removed to relieve the pressure on her brain.

"So it's..." John presses his lips together and balls his fists, "it's bad." His words hang like a question around his haunted eyes as he searches Rodney's face for some kind of reassurance.

Rodney can't bring himself to repeat what Keller told him; what John needs right now is hope, however slim, "Uh, you know, it's ah... Well surgery might help take some of the pressure off the, ah, the ah..." _Dammit he's a terrible liar._

By John's expression, Rodney can almost literally see the extra weight descend around his shoulders. As if John feels personally responsible for the fact that she might not be coming back. John already takes too much responsibility for everything, blames himself for every pitfall. Rodney wishes he could do something to reach through that damage, wishes there was time to be alone with John and remind him that everything isn't his fault.

"We're all in this together and we're not letting her go." Rodney reaches an arm towards John but he shifts away stiffly.

"John-"

"I'm fine." Looking at the door, John holds himself with a stoic rigidity, shut down and beyond any words of comfort Rodney could offer.

Sighing, Rodney returns to his professional role and tells John his plan, his measure of last resort. Collapsing the shield down to encompass the main tower alone is the only option he can think of right now to buy them any more time.

"That will leave us completely exposed to space." John looks at him like he has lost his mind.

"Yes, it will," Rodney snaps under the stress, "but our power is spread so thin right now, I don't have any extra juice to come up with the solutions to the 100 or so problems that could lead to our premature demise today."

Rodney can see behind the mask, the air of defeat as John gives him the go ahead. He hides it well enough that the others shouldn't notice, but as John heads out the door Rodney wishes again he could go after him. But he can't. He has to figure out a way to keep them all from dying first.

The hyperdrive is still intact and once he gets the power drain somewhat under control, Rodney is able to pinpoint their exact location. Not that it will do them much good, they certainly can't use the gate while traveling like this. With communications down they can't even try to reach the Apollo.

All they can do is attempt to repair the conduits. Well, not completely –they'd have to land to do that; but even a patch job would help immensely. Without a quick patch Rodney guesses they have about an hour before the ZPM falls below the threshold needed to execute a hyperspace jump.

And after that they will just be stuck. 30 hours before the shield fails and they all die in the vacuum of space.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John knows he's let everyone down. Pressing his lips together he thinks of Elizabeth and what she might have done differently in this situation. Keller says even if she survives, Elizabeth will never be the same person; her brain has been too damaged. _Another friend lost, another friend he has failed._

Rodney had begged John to let him reactivate Elizabeth's inert nanites to try to save her life. Of course he wants Elizabeth back too, but she would never have wanted them to do something like that.

He hated having to tell Rodney no, but he was sure reprogramming the nanites was too dangerous, "She wouldn't want us risking the city, not even for her."

Without Elizabeth here it's up to him to get Atlantis to safety, but so far everything he's tried has come up short. He's tried. He scraped together a crew of hastily trained volunteers to pilot the Jumpers and cut a swath through that asteroid field that threatened to rip the entire city apart. But it wasn't enough. A large chunk still got through and damaged the one thing they had going for them. The working hyperdrive array.

John tried to repair the array in time. He went out in a spacesuit… hurdling himself and Zelenka over that huge chasm that blocked their access to repair the equipment. But he wasn't fast enough. They missed the window by mere moments. And now they have now slipped below the power threshold needed to make the jump to hyperspace.

Nothing he's tried has been enough to save this fucked up escape plan. With Elizabeth gone and himself in command things just keep getting worse and worse.

Down in the infirmary, John finds himself admitting his failure to Ronon, "Finally fixed the hyperdrive, now we don't have enough juice to go anywhere. We've only got 28 hours before the shields fail."

"So what's the plan?"

"I don't know," John can't fake any confidence right now, "I got to find McKay."

"He's in there." Ronon points to the next room.

"What?" John sees Rodney walking out of the room with Keller and shouts at him, "Hey!"

Rodney looks guilty, "I heard we didn't get the array fixed in time."

"What were you doing in there?" John nods angrily towards Elizabeth's room.

"Look," Rodney lowers his eyes, "she was dying, okay?"

"Rodney."

"Look, her heart was weak, her nervous system was fried."

"What did you do?!" John demands.

Looking to Keller, Rodney answers uneasily, "I reactivated the nanites."

"Damn it McKay!" John is furious.

"Look, you were busy! It was life or death. If I didn't act-"

"Yes," John yells, "she would have died, I know!"

"Okay, I know what you're thinking but helping Elizabeth is not putting us at risk."

"You just reactivated the Replicator nanites." John hold his rage in check –almost; he can't believe Rodney has just done this behind his back.

"They're harmless!" Rodney's shouts, "Look, I am 100% certain they're not going to try to take her over or contact the others!"

"No, no, you can't know that for sure."

"Yes. Yes, I can." Rodney's eyes dart from side to side, at last he seems to get the confidence to look at John directly.

Staring back at him, John commands, "Shut it down."

"But… That would kill her." Rodney protests.

"What do you think Elizabeth would want? Do you think she'd want this?"

"Yes, she would." Rodney stays convinced; "She'd sure as hell do the same for you."

"You obviously didn't know her very well then." John is steady and bitter.

"Well, maybe not, but you know what? Give it some time, you can ask her herself."

"No! It's too dangerous. Shut it down right now."

"No." Rodney flops his arms defiantly, "No, I'm not going to."

Hoping Rodney will cave, John takes a few threatening steps toward him. He keeps his eyes locked on Rodney and reaches for his com, "Meyers. Bring an EMP generator to the O.R."

"Will you please just listen to me?" Rodney pleads.

A nurse calls from Elizabeth's room, "Dr. Keller!"

John takes out his gun and walks in. Elizabeth is sitting up on the gurney. She pulls the gauze from her head; the wound has healed and her hair has grown back. She looks confused but is acting like herself, asking what happened. They explain the situation to her before John orders her into quarantine so the techs can continue to check her out.

Once back outside the room, John continues to argue with Rodney.

"The quarantine is unnecessary." Rodney complains.

Gritting his teeth John tells him, "Well, you'll excuse me if I wait for a second opinion."

"Okay, this is stupid." Rodney says angrily.

"What is?"

"Us fighting! Look, I know you're not happy with me and you may have some cause. Anyway, it's not going to matter much if we don't figure a way out of this, right? Look, we have to work together, so… So, so I'm, I'm sorry."

Straightening his stance, John takes a breath. He doesn't want to make the same mistake he did over Doranda. After that, he'd resolved not to be so unforgiving or push Rodney away. If Rodney is sorry he will let it go.

Actually, if their positions had been reversed it's just the kind of reckless thing John might have done himself. He knows this. But he is the one responsible for everyone's safety now. He has to think about the whole expedition. The way that Elizabeth did.

"Apology accepted." John says in a low voice.

Rodney sighs with relief.

Still, when they are back in the control room, John feels some lingering resentment over having his authority undermined. He gives Rodney the cold shoulder, instead talking to Zelenka about their remaining options. Zelenka claims to have an idea to bypass hyperspace safety protocols and attempt a jump anyway. He estimates there's a 50-50 chance the city will be torn apart as they try to enter a hyperspace window.

John grimaces and tells him he's not loving that as an option; then he hears the sound of Rodney's fingers snapping as he speaks next to him, "Experimental Jumper… Remember when I was zapped by that machine a few months ago."

Of course John remembers. He will never forget the machine that brought him to his knees in desperation. _That stupid fucking machine-_

"and I got," Rodney is still talking "well even smarter than I normally am?"

"The one that almost killed you?" John tilts his head to the side, trying to sound casual about the agony he has endured over the last 4 and half months, "Yeah."

There's been no end to the agony John's felt since that moment he finally admitted to himself that he'd fallen in love with Rodney. Because like everything else it wasn't enough. _HE_ wasn't enough. And it was too late. Whatever Rodney may have once felt for him, it's dead and gone now.

"Well," Rodney continues, "before I was reset, I was very close to giving one of our Puddlejumpers a hyperdrive."

Rodney seems to think he can finish the project. At least it sounds better than Zelenka's 50-50 odds. But the Jumper's hyperdrive will be limited to a short range; they won't be able to get to the Apollo or tell them where they are. Rodney says the Jumper will probably only be able to make 1 or 2 jumps before the drive burns out. So that nixes John's idea of trying to ferry the crew to safety. But if they could manage 2 jumps that would at least mean a return trip.

"Yeah…" Rodney thinks for moment, "ideally somewhere with a few extra ZPMs' to spare. We come back, we get Atlantis fully powered-"

"Yeah, that'd be great." John drawls sarcastically.

Zelenka speaks up "M7R-227."

"What's that?" John turns his head.

"Well-" Zelenka seems hesitant.

Turning back to Rodney, John asks, "There's a planet out there with ZPMs?"

"Yeah-" Rodney gasps a little, "Yeah, I mean, we know they have a few ZPMs."

"Who would that be?" John asks waiting for the punch line.

"That?" Rodney points to the screen, "That would be the Replicator home world. You feel up to a heist?" he ventures enigmatically.

Pressing his lips together, John considers. They don't have much of a choice.

.

.

After giving Rodney and Zelenka a couple hours, John checks in on them in the Jumper Bay. "How's it going boys?"

Rodney complains that Zelenka is trying to kill him and John assumes this has something to do with the sparks he saw flying as he walked in.

"I'm not…" Zelenka sounds unconvincing, "trying to kill him."

Making a commiserating face at Zelenka, John turns back to Rodney, asking whether or not it will work. Rodney is evasive and the conversation soon devolves into bickering over semantics, over whether Rodney said he _could_ do it or simply _thought_ he could do it.

"This is unbelievably complex physics here, all right?" Rodney raises his hands in frustration, "I mean, it makes string theory look like non-linear dynamics."

"Okay." John blinks.

"And even if I do get it working, there's still a thousand things that could go terribly, terribly wrong." Rodney gets a far off look as if he's imagining all the gruesome ways they could die.

"I get it, it's difficult. Million-to-one odds, blah, blah, blah…" _All right, Rodney, enough with the whole 'I'm so brilliant it's painful' routine._

Standing up, Rodney asks curtly, "Was there something else you needed, or were you here merely to prod and belittle?"

"No, no… " John walks further into the Jumper, "not MERELY."

He continues, "There's another problem we need to be thinking about. Such as, what do we do when we get there? Getting this thing to jump into hyperspace may be the easy part. Infiltrating the city, stealing the ZPM, and getting out, well, I think that's a little dicey."

Apparently Rodney has been reflecting on that problem too and thinks their only chance of succeeding is if they bring Elizabeth and use her nanites to hack into the mainframe.

It's a terrible plan. But everything else so far has been too. At this point what other choice do they have... John reluctantly agrees but insists that Rodney install a kill switch to Elizabeth's nanites -in case they manage to take control of her.

.

.

Elizabeth _seems_ normal, eager to help with the mission. But for the record, she agrees with John about the nanites, she thinks it was too much of a risk to reactivate them. They manage to make the jump to the Replicator home world but the hyperdrive has burned out. They won't be making a return trip without capturing a ZPM to use as a power source.

The cloak keeps the ship concealed as John maneuvers it down to the planet. Elizabeth says she is beginning to feel her nanites link to the Replicator systems; she can see everything in her mind and directs them to the best location to steal a ZPM.

After landing on the building Elizabeth selected, he has Rodney stay behind with her to keep sifting through the Replicator intel... and to keep Rodney as far away from the Replicators as possible. In case they don't make it, John can't help but exchange a small smile of affection with Rodney before he and Ronon go to liberate a ZPM.

Over the radio, Elizabeth guides he and Ronon on how to avoid the Replicators in the structure until they reach their destination and seize their prize.

Making it back to the Jumper undetected, John hurriedly instructs Rodney. "Hook up the ZPM, we're leaving."

But Rodney stops him, saying he has found something in the Replicator's base code. The Holy Grail, apparently. The whole reason the Replicators were created by the Ancients. Rodney says he could reactivate a fundamental 'kill command' imbedded in them; their primary directive to seek out and destroy the Wraith.

Having the Replicators and Wraith at each other's throats _would_ solve a lot of problems. But it will be difficult. Even though Elizabeth could theoretically upload the commands remotely from the Jumper, they'd have to wait for the next data merge. And who knows how long that would be. To make immediate changes, they'll have to access the core at the center of the city.

"I will never get this kind of undetected access again." Elizabeth urges John to let her try.

"If we're going to do this, it's now or never." Rodney agrees.

It does seem like the kind of once in a lifetime 'save the whole galaxy' opportunity they shouldn't pass up. John gives the go ahead and Rodney rigs an interface between the Jumper's cloak and an anti-replicator weapon control crystal. It allows them to create a giant protective field so they can attempt to gain access to the deeper levels of the city.

Ronon questions how this could possibly work,"But won't we be visible?"

"Yes," Rodney's annoyance is obvious, "we will, the Anti-Replicator field will protect us. That is, assuming I can extend the field wide enough to encompass not only the Jumper, but also the Core Room… And also assuming that we can run fast enough to get there, input the command and get back before the Replicators figure out how to override the field and, and…

You know, slaughter us." Rodney finishes quickly as if trying to put the very likely possibility our of his mind.

Even though Rodney is the one with the expertise to do the job, John still isn't letting him anywhere near the Replicators. He can't risk him being hurt again, he just can't. Besides, John tells himself, he needs someone to keep an eye on Elizabeth. He tells Rodney the two of them will be staying put in the Jumper and instructs him to set up the tablet commands in such a way that John could reactivate the 'kill code' himself. He doesn't bother to elaborate on his reasons. But when Rodney won't stop complaining Elizabeth guesses part of it. She tells Rodney that John will need him to activate _her_ kill switch in case the nanites take control of her. Rodney suddenly shuts up and hangs his head, looking sorry that he made Elizabeth think about it.

The Core is 9 levels down within the main structure. As John lowers the Jumper on the building Elizabeth guides them to, Rodney turns off the cloak and engages the Anti-replicator field. Looking at the screen, John sees that so far the field is just a small bubble around their ship.

"It's working." Rodney walks forward with his tablet in hand, "Okay, let's jack it up, see how far we can penetrate."

 _'Jesus'._ John almost laughs out loud. _'Jack it up and penetrate_?'

Why is Rodney always saying things like that? It drives him crazy.

He decides to see if it's at all intentional, asking pointedly, "PENETRATE?"

"What?" Rodney seems confused.

 _'So, oblivious as usual'._ John shakes his head, disappointed he returns his concentration to the view screen instead.

"All right. Here we go." Rodney extends the field further, 'penetrating' all the way down to the Core Room.

Before handing John the tablet, Rodney explains the computer program in his long-winded way; John paraphrases the instructions without all the technical jargon, "Plug it in."

"You wanted simple."

"I like simple." John slings the strap of the tablet over his shoulder with a light smile to hide the dirty thoughts he is still having about penetrating Rodney.

Following Elizabeth's direction again, John and Ronon make their way down quickly. It will only be a matter of time until they are detected. Before long John spies a group of Replicators, but they disintegrate as soon as they walk into the protective field. So far it's working, but it won't be long before the Replicators find a way through.

As he and Ronon reach the control center John assumes the big glowy thing is the core. Rodney tells him there should be an open slot in the control panel he can plug the cable into.

"All right." John pulls out the tablet, "Here it goes… It's plugged in."

"Oh, it is?" Rodney sounds flustered over the com, "Why am I not reading anything? Are you sure you're plugged into the right slot?"

"There's only one slot Rodney." It sounds dirty when John hears himself say it.

This is what happens when he doesn't have the time to jack off. These ongoing crisis situations with no sleep or sexual release make his feelings for Rodney harder to control.

Elizabeth tells them that more Replicators are on the way. Rodney sounds even more anxious, telling John to try plugging it in again.

"Still nothing. Look, what did you do?" Rodney accuses.

The Replicators are repeatedly attacking the field now, sacrificing themselves to find a way to override and disable the code. Elizabeth says it won't be long before they break through.

"Rodney, why is this not working?" John calmly tries to talk him through.

"It's not working because the core is not recognizing the tablet."

"Well, why not?"

"Look, I don't know! -Okay, you're going to need to implement adjustments in the negotiation protocol to exploit parallelism at the device interface."

"What?" John has no idea what Rodney is talking about.

"Just do what I say." Rodney acts like he is instructing a child, "Start by unplugging the cable. Now access the tablet's root directory."

Root directory. Okay he knows what that is. "This, is not simple." John sets his gun down in frustration.

Warning John that the Replicators have breached the field, Rodney rushes in his explanation, "You need to make changes to the negotiation protocol to allow for direct data placement. We need to allow for resynchronization of the packet boundaries within the data stream."

Concentrating, John thinks he has deciphered Rodney's jargon into something he can manage.

Over the com he can hear Elizabeth telling Rodney that Oberoth himself is approaching the Core Room; Replicators are coming at them from all sides now, "They're trapped!" She exclaims.

"Which means they're as good as dead." Rodney laments.

"We can hear you, you know?" John reminds them.

"What-What?" Rodney stammers, "Uh, no. Wha-When I say 'As good as dead', I mean it as more of a… of a… Elizabeth? What are you doing? Elizabeth you can't go out there! …Elizabeth!"

"What's going on, Rodney?"

"Elizabeth just left the Jumper."

John tenses, "Why?"

"I-I don't know. She just ran out."

"Elizabeth, this is Sheppard, do you copy?"

Just silence.

"Elizabeth, respond." John demands.

Ronon warns John, "If they capture her-"

"I know, I know." John has considered the repercussions; this is what he was afraid of.

"So, what do we do now?" Rodney asks.

"She said hit the kill switch on the nanites if she did anything suspicious." Ronon reminds him.

Ignoring Rodney on the other end of the line, John stares blankly at nothing in particular; shutting off the nanites will kill her. Kill Elizabeth. He can't-

"Sheppard." Ronon's voice snaps him back into focus, "Make the call."

Nodding sadly, John swallows his grief and tells Rodney, "Do it."

But a moment later, Rodney says Elizabeth's kill switch isn't working. He quickly adds not to bother asking why, because he doesn't know.

Rambling on, Rodney speculates, "I mean, the last time she had active nanites inside her, she was able to exert a certain amount of control. Maybe, maybe she's doing it here now, or maybe there's interference that's affecting the frequency. I don't know. I need to, I need to run a diagnostic."

"Better yet," Ronon stops Rodney with a sour note, "why don't you figure a way how to get us out of here?"

John returns to the tablet. "If we're screwed, we may as well complete the mission." He tries again with the new adjustments, "Got it plugged in, anything?"

"Yes! Yes, it's working!" Rodney exclaims.

As the Replicators enter the Core Room, John grabs his gun and takes cover. He jumps up from behind a console to fire but finds that the Replicators seem frozen in place.

Ronon cautiously steps out from behind a pillar.

"What the hell just happened?" John asks.

"The Replicators have all frozen." Rodney sounds as confused as John is.

"Well, I can see that, but who did it?" John questions.

"It wasn't me." Rodney confesses, "It might have been Elizabeth."

"Can she do that?" Ronon wonders.

Unsure, Rodney continues to speculate over the com. He believes Elizabeth must have linked with the collective -meaning that the odds of her nanites taking control have just increased exponentially; she isn't going to be able to hold them off for long.

They wait for confirmation that the upload has been completed, then John unplugs the tablet. He and Ronon weave in and out of the frozen Replicators in the hallways. Almost back to the Jumper, they find Elizabeth struggling with Oberoth. He has just managed to pull her hand out of his head and overcome her control.

"Elizabeth." John starts.

"Get to the Jumper!" She shouts at him.

Despite the fact that she is surrounded, John is firm. "You're coming with us."

Ronon fires an energy blast at Oberoth but it has no effect.

"I can't keep them frozen much longer!" Elizabeth pleads.

John raises his voice to make his position clear, "We're not leaving you behind!"

"If you don't leave right now, none of us will get out of here, so go!" Elizabeth is adamant, "That's an order!" She screams at him.

Some of the Replicators in the room are coming to life and shooting at them. Desperately trying to get through to her, John screams her name. But they are taking too much fire and have to duck for cover.

"Go!" Elizabeth commands again.

He can't get through, John knows he has no choice but to retreat. They aren't far from the Jumper. Tactically, he knows Elizabeth is right, but he wants to turn back and fight to the death despite the consequences. But she is trusting him to save Atlantis, he has to think the way she wants him to.

"Oh, thank God." Rodney exclaims when he sees the two of them returning; "Elizabeth?", he asks.

Ronon shakes his head darkly.

Before they use the ZMP to jump to hyperspace, they try to lock onto Elizabeth's locator beacon but it is gone.

.

.

Once back on Atlantis, John tries to put the loss of Elizabeth out of his mind as much as he can. He _will_ find a way to bring her back. First, he has to focus on getting everyone else to safety. With the new ZPM online, he and the others have found a new planet site to land Atlantis, M35-117. Elizabeth doesn't know about it and if the Replicators probe her mind, they won't discover their new location.

Preparing himself for the task of landing the city on the surface, John asks, "We got enough energy to keep the shield up for re-entry?"

"There better be." Rodney answers, "A city this size will create considerable friction. We come in too fast or too steep, and the shield could attenuate under the stress, and the whole place will be torn to shreds, or, or burn up, or both."

John grimaces, "It never ends with you, you know?"

"What?" Rodney sounds perplexed.

John can't answer him. He has no one but himself to blame. But it never ends. None of it, all of it, the longing and desire... Rodney's oblivious sexual references that drive John crazy, the constant whining and complaining about certain death, the need John has to be near Rodney whenever he can, the regret he feels for not kissing him when he had the chance...

Somehow it seems so unfair that under the control of an alien consciousness he once kissed Elizabeth. Another time when he was out of his mind and transforming from the Wraith retrovirus he'd kissed Teyla. Why couldn't he have gotten to kiss Rodney at least once instead?

All of it is infuriating. He loves Rodney more than he knows he has any right to. And if he knew how to stop it, he would. But it never ends, it just gets stronger.

While John takes the city down into the atmosphere, Rodney calls him over the radio, "Sheppard, we're coming in too steep. We need to ease up on our angle for re-entry."

John tries to slow down and adjust.

"Ease up on the angle!" Rodney reprimands.

"I heard you the first time, Rodney."

"And yet, we're still coming in too steep!" He chides condescendingly;

The city shakes as it approaches the ocean and Rodney continues to berate him. "Still too fast! Slow down!... We want to touch down gently… Like a leaf kissing the surface of a pond."

The city rumbles and plunges deeply into the surface of the water. The shield protects it from submerging and it buoyantly rights itself, wobbling and groaning.

"Nice kissing." Rodney says sarcastically.

Too exhausted to make a joke, he finds himself imagining what it would be like to kiss Rodney.

He is sure Rodney is good. John has always thought he was pretty good himself, but then, he's never kissed a man before. It might be totally different.

For the thousandth time, he regrets not kissing Rodney when he had the chance. Why hadn't he just let Rodney give him what he really wanted?

Even if it is wrong, it is what John wants, so badly. But Rodney doesn't want it anymore, he wants Katie, he wants to be married like a normal person. John should want that too. If he could only make himself want that.

.

.

After they get settled on the new planet and reestablish communication with SGC through the wormhole, Rodney tells John that it looks like the attack command they planted worked. They have detected a fleet of Replicator ships attacking a Wraith planet.

It bothers him thinking about any of it. He can't forgive himself for leaving Elizabeth behind. He may have failed Ford, but he won't give up on Elizabeth. She could still be alive. Rodney sees the emotion in John's face but assumes it is about their fight before.

Rodney surprises him by apologizing again, "I'm really sorry about earlier… I know I should have followed your last standing orders and all… I just hope you know I'm really sorry."

"Are you?" John frowns at Rodney; right now their fight is the furthest thing from his mind.

"Yes." Rodney's eyes get wide, "Yes, I am… really sorry."

As he gazes at Rodney's lips and the angles of his face, John scowls to hide his attraction.

"Okay, just don't let it happen again." he doesn't want to take the charade too far or push Rodney away.

Fuck, he is so in love with this man, it is sickening. He wants to reach over and grab Rodney –but he can't. He knows he can't.

John is disgusted with himself and turns away, "I'll see you later."

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	57. Unrequited lust hanging over their heads

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As the weeks go by and everyone gets settled on the new planet, John has time to think more seriously about Ronon's suggestion. The idea that John 'just gets laid' to take some of the pressure off. There are a few women here that John finds attractive, but his heart belongs to someone else and there is no way he could try dating in any traditional manner. The most he can imagine being able to offer is a casual one night stand.

Atlantis is such a closed community and the thought of approaching one of the civilian woman for a fling sounds like a disastrous idea. Finding a quick release with a man might be more feasible, he's done it before. Guys in the military who are… like him, are usually more open to casual sexual encounters. What else could it be really?

He'd have to be careful to make sure he doesn't reveal himself to the wrong person. But he's managed it before; maybe he could do it again. John has an officer in mind. A young Lieutenant whose eyes definitely linger on John more than they should. He's attractive, even looks a little bit like Rodney. Flaxen hair, taut arms and chest, he fills out the uniform well. John has never worked with Lt. Farrow directly but he soon finds an excuse to talk and test his instincts.

While they are in public and there is a chance of being overheard, John keeps it formal and ambiguous, "Lieutenant, a word please."

"Absolutely, Colonel." Farrow replies.

He steps a bit closer so he can read the man and see how he responds. Not shy about the proximity, Farrow breathes in and appears pleased. His eyes are lowered but John needs to see more.

"I'd like to talk to you about your performance."

Looking worried something is wrong, Farrow glances up with a small frown.

John holds his gaze. It is a good sign the man holds his eyes with confidence, "You've been doing an excellent job since you reported to Atlantis".

The corners of Farrow's mouth curve into a smile and his gaze remains locked with John's. John smiles back and lets his eyes show a flirtatious glint. Farrow seems to notice, his eyes widen in response, he takes a sharp inhale. Still his gaze doesn't waver from John. In fact, he looks thrilled with the attention.

Inching in a little closer without touching, John does nothing to incriminate himself, not yet. "I've been reading your file, and it seems you have the makings of a fine soldier."

The other man is biting his lower lip and he recognizes the expression on Farrow's face. He wants John to take him. He wants it badly.

Feeling fully confident now, John continues, "I think a little extra training would go a long way to getting you ready to lead a team of your own."

" _Training_?" Farrow's tone is full of innuendo.

"If you wanted, I could take some time with you alone…" John gives Farrow a flash of his most charming smile while his eyes sparkle with mischief. "for training purposes. We could work on some of the-"

"I'd really love that." Farrow interrupts eagerly, "I've always wished I could get the chance to, to, _train_ with you personally, I mean with the military commander of Atlantis..." He leans forward in an unmistakably flirtatious manner, "Sir."

John's smile deepens as he tells Farrow to meet him at 2100 hours in a private room near the shooting range.

The rest of the day goes by quickly, John feels excited and flushed. The pain usually tightened around his heart has lessened and he feels a bit less alone. As the hour of their meeting approaches, John takes him time getting ready, he wants to this to be right. He knows Farrow wants him and he doesn't want to disappoint.

When John enters the room, Farrow is already waiting. He looks amazingly seductive, leaning back with his exposed arms resting on the table behind him. John is flattered to see that Farrow has also taken the time to look his best.

He waits for John to approach, letting him know he wants to be taken. John strides forward leaning his chest to touch the other man's. He places his face into Farrow's neck, breathing in. The smell is nice, just he's not... not Rodney.

Reaching up, John trails his fingers softly down the side of Farrow's face. But then John's expression crumples. He doesn't know how to do this anymore. He isn't the same man he used to be.

Rodney has changed him, made him want more than just a release. John doesn't just want a casual fuck and he doesn't know how to touch Farrow without feeling all the loss and longing he has for Rodney.

"I'm sorry." John pulls back with pain in his eyes. The heartache and grief is written plainly across his face and Barrow looks at him in sympathy.

"I'm sorry", John places a hand on the bridge of his nose hoping to obscure the emotion; his voice is a tight choke, "I just can't". ' _Especially not with someone who reminds him so much of Rodney.'_

"It's okay." Farrow's voice is soft.

Squeezing his eyes shut, John just nods.

He hears Farrow heading for the door. Before he leaves, he adds, "Sir… If you ever change your mind, about the _training_ , you know where to find me."

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* * *

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.

Rodney is eager to make a better impression with the ACTUAL new civilian commander of Atlantis after embarrassing himself by presumptuously assuming that _he_ was the one being promoted. Sam, his Samantha Carter is about to arrive. She's a full bird Colonel now, not just Lieutenant Colonel, like John.

Standing shoulder to shoulder with John in front of the Stargate, John looks down to the basket in Rodney's hands, asking,"What's that?"

Rodney gloats "It's a selection of fruits from the various worlds we trade with."

John seems unimpressed and Rodney continues, "I thought it would be thoughtful."

"Try lame." John teases.

"Really?" Rodney is peeved, "And what would you suggest?"

"You know," John shrugs, "maybe some flowers. You could brighten up her quarters."

"Oh, flowers." Rodney second-guesses himself.

He hands the fruit basket off to someone else, "Here, take this." he waves his hand dismissively to the assistant, "And go."

Then Sam, Rodney's old flame, walks through the wormhole. Well, not technically an old flame, but almost. They could have been. John is technically more of an old flame than Sam...

After a short speech, Sam walks away with John. Rodney can't help but admire her figure from behind. Both of them actually; they are both incredibly hot. Of course, now his heart belongs to Katie, but it doesn't hurt to look.

He heads to the greenhouse to get some flowers from Katie, and walks back down to give them the Sam in her new quarters.

She greets him warmly, "Hey, Rodney. Come on in."

"Ah, I brought you a little something to spruce up the place." Rodney presents the flowers.

"Well thank you. That's very sweet." She points to a table, "There's a vase right there."

Rodney spots the vase sitting next to his abandoned fruit basket.

"Oh." Sam notices that Rodney is staring at it and explains, "Colonel Sheppard dropped that off. Apparently it's a sampling of fruit from the home worlds of our various trading partners."

"Hmm." Rodney's mouth twists down bitterly.

"I thought it was a really thoughtful gesture." Sam tells him.

"Oh, son of a…" He mumbles as he tosses the flowers pointlessly into the vase. Rodney's so furious with John right now he can't think straight.

He tries to gather his thoughts, to remember what he wanted to say, but his mind is swirling with a jumble of emotions about John. Why the hell would he do this?

John knows about Rodney's feelings for Sam… Past feelings, that is. In the past. Right. This is the present. The past shouldn't matter, he is with Katie now. It doesn't matter how sexy John looks, Rodney is over him. And Sam too.

"Anyway, look," Rodney tries to compose himself, "I just… I just came by to welcome you to Atlantis, see how you're settling in, and you know, if you needed anything… And did I mention that I was seeing someone?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Sam smiles with a confused look on her face.

Rodney isn't sure why he said the last part but repeats himself, "I'm, uh, seeing someone." _That's right he's with Katie now and he's not going to let John toy with his emotions anymore._

His pulse feels too quick, his breath too short. His mind swirling with past memories of John when they were closer, so close, but always out of reach… it's been harder than he wants to admit working with John all this time with these unrequited feelings that won't stay in the past... John refuses to stop being so sexy and, and infuriating. And now his greatest female fantasy is about to be his new boss. Sexy siren Sam. This whole thing is just so convoluted.

"Yes," Rodney fights the confusion in his mind, "I only bring it up now because you're here now, and we'll be working together a lot more, and uh, you know, I just thought with our past-"

"Our past?" Sam seems shocked.

Well, he and Sam don't really have a past together, not like he and John do. But she'd given him a kiss on the cheek… That had been something.

He can't stop thinking about how long he's wanted John, ached for him; he feels lost in an emotional vortex of hurt and desire, "Well, you know the unrequited lust that's been hanging over our heads for what seems like forever."

 _'Oh fuck. He just said that out loud.'_ Well, technically Rodney has lusted for Sam too, but she's never really wanted him back… Has she? It's not the same as it is with John. Whatever it is with John is just... God, this is so fucked up.

Rodney shoves his hands in his pockets nervously. He blames John completely for screwing this all up, stealing his fruit basket, making him look bad, and getting him to ramble on as he is prone to when anxious. He can't believe he just admitted to having unrequited lust for John. Not just to himself, but out loud even. To Sam. Who he's also trying not to lust over, but instead is making a complete ass of himself.

"Rodney." Sam shakes her head in disbelief.

But Rodney keeps talking because that's what he does, "I just don't want things to be awkward between the two of us, you know?"

He takes a breath and holds it to try to force himself to stop talking. But the silence is worse, so he opens his mouth again, "…Kind of like they are now."

"Rodney..." Sam smiles in amusement, "I'm sure we'll be fine."

"Of course." Rodney flounders defensively, " _I'll_ be fine. I'm just... " He gestures toward Sam as if _she_ is the one who may be having difficulty coping with unrequited feelings, "with you"

Ronon enters the room and thankfully saves Rodney from himself and any further embarrassment.

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* * *

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.

After finding three of his closest friends alive on an away mission, Ronon can't stop wondering if he should rejoin his people and leave Atlantis. That new commander Colonel Carter says 'new protocols' won't allow his former soldiers in arms to come to Atlantis. Apparently his word that they can be trusted isn't good enough for her.

Ronon takes a bite from the plate in front of him but he is restless. The three of them, Tyre, Ara, and Rakai, have been out there on their own all this time fighting the Wraith. They shouldn't be on their own trying to survive, they are all Satedan and they belong together. If they can't come to Atlantis he has to consider going to them.

Somehow Tyre had known about the existence of Atlantis. Ronon can't help but consider his words. He'd said as far as Atlantis was concerned, Ronon was just their ally, their guest. They may have helped Ronon out of trouble when he needed it, but Tyre insisted, " _We're_ your friends."

Truth be told, Tyre, Ara, and Rakai are more than his friends. They're his family, the last remnants of his people. Ronon can still hear Tyre's words in his mind, "Now that we're back together, you belong with us."

Looking up from his meal, Ronon sees John coming to join him at the table; he has a serious expression on his face. Teyla must have told him that he is thinking about leaving Atlantis, "Teyla's already spoken to you, hasn't she?"

"Yeah, well, we had a little chat."

"Hmm." Ronon eyes John, "Well, let's hear it."

"Hear what?"

"Whatever you've got to say."

John picks up a piece of an orange, "Not going to say anything."

"Really?" Ronon looks at him dubiously.

"I don't have to because you already know what I'm going to say… That you're a valuable member of my team, and that it would be difficult to find somebody to take your place."

"Mmm-hmm." Ronon leans back in his chair.

"And that you may think you're going back to find something you've lost…" John sighs, "but there's nothing to get back to. Sateda's gone, and living on the run with your buddies isn't going to bring that back."

Ronon smirks, "You're not going to say any of that."

"No," John shakes his head and mumbles with a piece of fruit in his mouth, "I don't have to."

"Look, this isn't about me trying to bring back the past."

"Well, then what is it?"

"They need me. They always have. I'm the one that took care of them, got them home alive whenever we went onto battle."

"You're one man, Ronon." John rubs his palms together; "You can't expect to protect them forever."

"Probably not… but that's where you guys come in. We got some intel on a Wraith target." Ronon sips his coffee and waits for John's response.

John narrows his eyes, "The Wraith and the Replicators are kind of beating the crap out of each other right now. I think it's counterproductive to run an op against them."

"I have a feeling you'll change your mind once you hear the details." Ronon's eyes sparkle with mischief.

"Let's hear it." John looks more interested.

"Not yet" Ronon tells him, "I want Tyre, Ara, and Rakai in on this."

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* * *

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.

John agrees and takes the team to meet with Ronon's comrades. They explain to him that the Wraith are working on a way to switch off the Replicator attack code, and they want to stop it. All they need John to do is to fly the Jumper into a weapons research facility that is largely unmanned.

But if he agrees to go on this mission John plans to do more than sit idly in a Jumper. _If_ he agrees…

John takes Ronon outside to privately discuss the matter, telling him he is concerned about working with an unknown element of people that might go off half-cocked.

"Yeah, well, I'll keep my group in line. You do the same." Ronon glowers at him.

"Last I checked it was your group, too." John bites his lip.

Ronon sighs and stops walking, "Look, I was going to wait to tell you this, but I've made my decision. Once we finish this op, I'm going to be leaving Atlantis."

John gets a heavy sinking feeling in his chest as Ronon walks away. He's still been trying to adjust to the guilt of leaving Elizabeth behind. He's begged Sam to sanction a rescue mission back to the Replicator home world, even though he doesn't have a viable plan yet. But the odds of Elizabeth being alive are getting slimmer by the day.

And now he's going to lose Ronon too.

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* * *

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.

Rodney is cold with fury when John waltzes in to tell him that they are going on an away mission to assess the op Ronon's friends are proposing.

Merely glaring in response, John finally stops talking, "What?"

"You know what."

"Uh, no… I don't?"

Somehow that hurts Rodney even more, the fact that John can't even imagine what could be wrong. He shakes his head sadly and turns away, "I'll be ready to go in a few minutes."

"Hey," He feels John's hand on his shoulder, "Rodney, what's wrong?"

He turns and looks at John with hurt and betrayal, "Why are you fucking with me when it comes to Sam?"

"Uh, I…"

"The fruit basket?" He accuses.

"Oh... I'm sorry. If my prank was poorly timed I apologize." John holds his hands up repentantly, "I had no idea you were going to be this upset."

"Really? I find that hard to believe. You know how I feel about her. It's a very sensitive situation." Rodney's face flushes,"Very confusing for me, you know, when it comes to someone I've had feelings for in the past. "

Clearing his throat, Rodney tries to make it clear he's not talking about John... even though he mostly is, "But I'm trying to be in the present. With Katie, I mean. And you threw me off balance, and I started babbling, and saying all kinds of things that I regret now-"

"Oh no. What did you say?" John frowns.

"Doesn't matter." Rodney glares, "Point is, I don't want to be messed with when it comes to Sam or, or, my romantic, uh, life at all."

"Okay." John nods, "Understood. I, ah, didn't realize you had such strong feelings for her."

"I don't. -I mean, anymore. I don't know." Rodney falters. "It's just hard when you've been attracted to someone… had feelings for someone, for so long. It gets confusing where the line is sometimes, especially if you have to work together constantly." Rodney feels the warmth rising to his cheeks again and looks away from John, he still can't stop the effect that John has on him no matter how much he tries to evade it.

Realizing that he and Sam haven't actually been working together yet, Rodney quickly adds, "–I mean in the future. Sam and I will be working together constantly in the future. _Will_ be. And that will make it hard." He hopes that makes it sound like this has nothing to do with his unrequited feelings for John.

"All right." John sighs, "Nothing like that will happen again, I swear. If it'll make us square, you can hit me if you want…?"

Rodney shakes his head but then reconsiders; right now he doesn't know if he wants to hit John or kiss him.

Well, it's not like he's been given the choice. "Okay, I choose hit." He balls a fist and notes that John looks unconcerned about any injury.

Rodney would prefer to pin him against the wall and make him give in, to make John want him- Ugh, he has to stop thinking that way. _'Remember Rodney, remember all the times he's fucked with you, just because he could.'_ The memories pile up and Rodney finds the motivation to throw his fist into John's jaw.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow." Rodney cradles his hand and backs away.

"I didn't say you could hit me in the face." John rubs his chin in surprise.

"Where, then?" Rodney is confused.

"Oh, no. That's it. One swing is all you get. So are we even?"

Rodney suddenly recalls the massage- how John had wanted one in return, to be 'even'; he sighs, "Okay, even. See you in the Jumper Bay." _But he doesn't really feel 'even'. Not yet._

.

.

* * *

.

.

After everything that happened on that disastrous op, John seeks Ronon to help him get through the loss of his friends and the betrayal he suffered at their hands. Ronon is probably blaming himself even though he had no way of knowing the whole thing was a set up; a sting operation to capture Rodney and try to get him to undo the changes he made to the Replicator attack code. Ronon has barely said a word since they left the Wraith base. He's never been a big talker, but this is one time that John is sure he needs someone to listen.

John's not sure what the Wraith did to Ronon's friends to change them, to enslave them to their wishes. But he's sure that it wouldn't have been an easy matter to turn the the Satedans into Wraith worshippers. And he's not sure what he could possibly say to make this any easier on Ronon, only… Ronon has always tried his best to be there for John and…

Well, something about Ronon makes John feel like HE is the big brother. Growing up, John had been the younger one, and had always wished for more of a connection than he'd had with Dave. John won't ever get to have the older brother he wanted, but maybe he can be the older brother to someone else who has lost their family. He finds Ronon in his room, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly.

Taking a seat next to him, John pats Ronon on the back, "I know it's hard, but you can't always protect the people you care about."

"Protect them…" Ronon shakes his head, "I got them killed."

"It wasn't your fault."

"No." Ronon looks at John with stormy eyes, "I was the one that killed Rakai. Ara's dead. Probably Tyre too. They were Wraith worshippers. They betrayed the memory of our people, they betrayed me."

"Yeah." John sits back and squeezes his lips tight, "That's a hard one."

"I should've realized-"

"No, you couldn't have known." John assures him.

"I'm just so sick of losing everyone." Ronon's expression is tortured.

"Yeah. I know." John says hoarsely, "I mean, I've never lost a whole planet… but I've lost a lot of people."

Ronon turns to John with a questioning look. Okay, here would be the part where John says something honest about himself -not what he is best at.

"First to go was my Mom, she killed herself when I was a kid. After that I lost my Dad and my brother." John sighs, "Well, we haven't spoken in, I don't know, 19 years or so?"

It seems like Ronon is waiting for him to say more.

"My wife didn't die, she left. But the person I loved most... they died in my arms. They died because I failed to rescue them. That was probably the hardest one. I still have nightmares about that.

Before Atlantis, I lost all of my friends, back in Afghanistan... dead and gone. All I have left is what's here on Atlantis and sometimes it's hard to let myself admit how much you've all come to mean to me. The thought of losing any more people..."

John swallows his emotion, "I'm not saying it's the same, but I can understand what it's like to feel responsible for losing everything. The guilt and the terrible pain that comes from being the one to make it out alive."

Ronon eyes flash with emotion and he nods silently at John.

"You're a good man, Ronon. Most people would have given up and died a long time ago. And I know the guilt that comes from surviving, but –"

"But here..." John gestures expansively "You have a home where you are needed. You are a valuable member of my- I mean, you are a valuable _friend_. And, ah, I know that I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me." Ronon clasps John's shoulder fiercely.

John suddenly feels like their roles are reversed and Ronon is the one reassuring him. Maybe he had needed some assurance, because he feels immensely better hearing Ronon say that. He's really tired of losing people he lets himself care about.

.

.

Before the sun goes down, John heads out to the pier to watch the sunset with Rodney. Something the two of them often like to do when they have the chance.

Rodney turns around as John approaches, "Hey. Why are you so happy?"

Shrugging sheepishly, John smiles, "I'm just glad that Ronon's not leaving"

"Yeah." Rodney looks back out over the water as John stands next to him, "Me too. It just wouldn't feel like home without him."

Brightening, Rodney adds, "You know we should name this new planet."

John sidles up to him. "I'm sure it has a name already, Rodney"

Lifting a finger Rodney smiles, "Andoria!"

"That's from Star Trek" John is unimpressed.

"Okay, I've got it. Praxis."

John rolls his eyes, "As in the Klingon Moon that was destroyed in Star Trek IV?"

Rodney's mouth falls open in shock, "How do you even know this?"

"Well," John gestures a hand over the horizon, "It would make more sense to name it something that has to do with water or… How about Cerulean?"

"Right." Rodney makes a face, "Because that really sounds like an authentic Ancient word."

"It's better than what you've got so far." John smirks, "…Meredith."

Taking a defiant step closer, Rodney lifts his gaze up to glare at John, "I'll have you know that historically Meredith was a male name -which coincidentally means 'protector of the sea'."

John presses his lips together and tries not to burst out laughing, "So, you're going to name the planet after yourself?"

Rodney keeps his eyes narrowed at John, "No, I'm not going to- Argh." Rodney growls in frustration, "You leave me no choice, I will simply have to name it after my favorite superhero."

Grimacing, John shakes his head, "As in bat related…?"

"Eidolon. A species of bat from Madagascar, very cute actually. There is no way you've heard that name before. I'm putting it into the database, I'll say I discovered it in our next briefing." Rodney cocks his head at John, "You still owe me for that fruit basket and if you say anything about how I planted it there… I will end you."

"End me?" John chuckles, "Oh yeah? How you going to do that? Hit me again?"

Suddenly Rodney's arms shoot out and hit John square in the chest. The force is enough to send him reeling over the edge of the pier. He hits the ice cold sea and lifts his head above the water taking a big gulp of air.

Rodney's head is peering over the edge taunting him, "You won't even see it coming."

John swims to the edge of the pier and tries to climb back up, but the crossbeams are too far away and widely spaced, "Jesus, Rodney." John shouts, "I can't get back up, there's nothing to grab onto."

"Oh. Really?" Rodney asks like he doesn't quite believe it.

"Really!" John grits his teeth against the cold and his growing frustration.

Rodney leans over the ledge and begins to cautiously descend on one of the steep crossbeams. He reaches a point not far above John and frowns uncertainly at the water below. "Control room, this is McKay. We need an emergency Jumper to the West pier. Sheppard, ah, he tripped, and uh, he fell into the water. I'm doing my best but I can't get him back out."

John treads water and glares at Rodney.

"They're coming." Rodney leans forward, "It's going to- Ahhhhh!"

A heavy splash hits the water nearby as Rodney loses his balance and tumbles in after John.

"Oh fuck fuck. It's cold. Oh my God, I think I'm going into hypothermic shock."

John grabs one of Rodney's flailing limbs, "Hang on. Just calm down."

"We're gonna die and it's all your fault!" Rodney sputters water through his lips.

"My fault? Rodney stop. Stop panicking. I'm going to help you stay afloat. Just kick your legs and I'm going to hold your chest. That's it, just lean into me and move your arms the way I am."

"I know how to tread water!" Rodney snaps.

"Good. Then do it. A Jumper will be here any moment."

John keeps his arm around Rodney's chest and they stop arguing long enough to get a steady rhythm going. Finally Rodney stop struggling and relaxes into John, mumbling something about how they are even.

"We're what?" John asks

"Nothing." Rodney mutters holds tightly onto John until the Jumper arrives and pulls them to safety.

.

.

John turns around in his chair as Teyla abruptly leaves the breakfast table.

"Is she really mad at me?" he asks Ronon and Rodney; he can't believe Teyla is so upset about this nightmare she had about him.

Neither of them answer and John complains, "I can't control what's in her dreams."

"Really?" Rodney leans forward, "You think you can't control a person's dreams? My father read me Moby Dick when I was 7 years old. I mean, seriously, what was that man thinking? You have any idea how long I had those nightmares about being eaten by a whale?"

Ronon looks at Rodney in amusement, "They haven't stopped have they?"

Rodney looks embarrassed and lifts a fork to his mouth instead of answering.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Later that evening, while sparring in one of his late night matches with John, Ronon gets injured. He and John head up to the infirmary and find Dr. Keller there. She visibly jumps when she sees them.

"Sorry, Doc." Ronon tells her, "Didn't mean to scare you."

"We were sparring. I got in a lucky shot." John explains.

Ronon gives John a dirty look as Dr. Keller wonders at them, "It's the middle of the night."

"Maybe for you" Ronon smiles.

Keller gestures to a bed, "Sit down, let me have a look." She peers at Ronon's face, "You're going to need stitches. Keller also gives John a dirty look and John lowers his head guiltily.

"I guess I taught him too much, huh?" Ronon teases.

"Yeah, I guess so." Keller replies.

"You know," Ronon tells John, "you don't need to stick around, I'm fine."

"You sure?" John asks.

"Yeah." Ronon counters, "I want a rematch tomorrow though."

"Yeah, that's what I was afraid of." John smiles tightly, "Goodnight."

"See you tomorrow." Ronon warns.

Turning back to Keller, Ronon notices her eyes are wide as she watches John leave, "Something wrong?" he asks wondering why she seems afraid of him.

"Hmm? No, nothing."

 _'Maybe she's nervous because she has a crush on him.'_ Ronon offers, "I don't think he's seeing anyone, you know."

"Oh! Oh, no." Keller puts her hands up, "No, that's… That's quite all right. You know, this would be easier if you lay down."

Ronon shifts onto the gurney and tries to get comfortable. He closes his eyes for a moment and suddenly finds himself on an alien planet. John attacks him and knocks Ronon unconscious. When he wakes, he is bound, in a deep pit, John is above shoveling dirt on top of him.

He struggles against his bindings and then jolts awake to see Dr. Keller's hand recoiling from his brow.

"I'm really sorry." She inhales sharply, "Did I, did I hurt you?"

"No, no. I'm-" Ronon looks around the infirmary and regains his composure, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"You fell asleep." Keller explains.

"I was having the strangest dream." Ronon looks up at her and shakes his head.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Go ahead." Ronon thinks for minute. ' _It's just, being buried alive is his worst fear.'_

Keller gingerly returns to her stitching, "I'm almost done."

.

.

Over lunch the next day, Ronon listens as Keller relates a nightmare of her own from the night before.

She tells Teyla, "It was terrifying. There you were with this disgusting alien bug crawling out of your stomach and Colonel Sheppard was acting like it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen."

"It sounds like that movie." Ronon interjects.

"Yeah, Alien." Keller nods, "Have you seen it?"

"Colonel Sheppard speaks of it often." Teyla gives a wincing smile.

As Jennifer and Rodney tell stories about how much this movie freaked them out after watching it, Ronon makes a mental note to see it the next time they have movie night.

Keller muses, "Don't you think it's strange that each of us has had incredibly vivid nightmares with Colonel Sheppard being somehow an integral part?"

"Acting most unlike Colonel Sheppard." Teyla nods.

"Not me." Rodney chimes in.

"Have you had any nightmares recently?" Keller asks.

"Not a night goes by." Rodney says sadly, "Last night I dreamt that, ah, um, Colonel Carter invited me to her quarters for dinner-"

Teyla interrupts, "Maybe you shouldn't be telling us this, Rodney."

"Yeah," Keller smirks, "I said nightmare, not delusional male fantasy."

"Wait… And listen. Turns out she was serving lemon chicken. I mean, _lemon_. And the only reason she invited me to dinner was to tell me that she was promoting Zelenka over me."

Ronon prods, "That's it?"

"Then I was eaten by a whale." Rodney grimaces, "Don't ask how that happened."

"Okay," Keller asks, "do you guys really think I'm crazy. I realize their just dreams, but first it was Teyla, and then right after you came to see me, I had one."

"And that's when mine stopped." Teyla adds, "Those pills you gave me knocked me out cold."

"And then Ronon had one while I was working on him." Keller looks at him.

"What's the big deal?" Ronon moves to stand up, "It's like you said, it's just a few bad dreams, right?"

.

.


	58. Losing Rodney is John's worst fear

.

.

"So Sheppard is actually going to see McKay's dreams?" Ronon asks Sam, trying to understand how this is going to work.

"Well, to be honest," Sam answers, "the technology is untested for use in this manner. Dreams are much more random than subconscious thought. It may be difficult for the system to translate what's going on in McKay's brain so that Colonel Sheppard can understand it. I'm just hoping that the two of them will be able to interact somehow."

Ronon doesn't like this, but there was no talking John out of it. Once they'd finally discovered a way to detect the entity in a host, they'd found it had recently jumped into McKay. After John heard the news and saw Rodney quarantined in this insulated room, he'd been determined to find a way to do something about it... especially knowing that the thing feeds on fear… and McKay isn't the best at handling scary stuff.

When he'd seen the look on John's face, Ronon knew John would do anything, risk anything to save McKay from the thing that started terrorizing and then killing people in their sleep. Sure that it would kill McKay too, John had begged Sam to think of some technology that the SGC might have that could allow him to enter McKay's mind and help him.

Watching the observation room below, Ronon waits as Keller and the other technicians in hazmat suits hook John and Rodney up to the machine. The two of them are both lying on gurneys while the medical staff make the preparations.

Ronon scowls and tells himself that if anyone can get through to McKay, Sheppard will. Somehow they'll figure a way to get the creature to return to the crystal thing it came from.

Teyla had tried to tell John that _he_ didn't need to be the one to do it, but she doesn't know how John feels about McKay. John will do whatever he has to to save Rodney, and HE is going to be the one to do it.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John's stomach tightens in guilt thinking about Heightmeyer's death. All of this is his fault, if he hadn't gone and touched that stupid glowing crystal on the tree... it made no sense to do it, he'd just reached out and touched it for no reason.

Keller says those things have a way of mesmerizing and effecting the mind. After they'd brought back another crystal from the planet to test, she said she'd been overcome by a sudden urge, almost been compelled to touch it herself. She says that's how these creatures draw their victims in.

But John doesn't feel like a victim. Somehow it has imprinted John's image and everyone else started seeing images of John terrorizing them, hurting them... _Killing them._ He feels like he may as well be the one doing it himself. He couldn't feel more responsible, he was the one who touched it and brought this thing back to Atlantis.

Whatever this malevolent creature is, it's capable of controlling the mind, killing with fear. He knows Rodney isn't going to make it if this doesn't work. This has _got_ to work. John blinks at the ceiling, he can't let it hurt Rodney. At the very least maybe it will jump to John and kill him instead.

Rodney looks over to him from the nearby gurney, "You sure about this?"

"Not really." John acts calm to keep Rodney relaxed.

"I'm pretty screwed up." Rodney gestures to his head.

"You're telling me." John leans back into the pillow; he's not really worried about facing Rodney's varied and bizarre phobias. He's pretty sure he can face down a giant lemon. He just needs this machine to work. Rodney can't stay awake much longer, and John has to be there for him once he's unconscious.

"Thanks." Rodney looks at him with real gratitude shining from his beautiful blue eyes.

"I haven't done anything yet." ' _There's no guarantee this will work.'_ _John tells himself grimly._

"For trying." Rodney continues, "-and don't say I didn't warn you."

The drug in the IV lulls John into darkness and then he hears someone that sounds like himself speaking in sinister voice

He is suddenly in the middle of a rainy sea sitting on a rowboat. A different version of himself is at the front berating Rodney.

"That's not me, Rodney." John shouts over the storm, "Don't listen to him."

His double continues, "You're pathetic. You might as well jump in."

Rodney looks back to John in confusion "Don't be afraid." John tries to project the protectiveness he feels.

"Oh God, I have to get back." Rodney is rowing frantically in a panic, "I have to get back, that's my only chance."

John's Doppelganger smirks, "You're going to die out here."

"Shut up!" John yells across the boat, "Don't listen to him, Rodney."

"That's easy for you to say!" Rodney complains, "Why don't you help me row?"

John concentrates and the dream scene changes. Now he is sitting next to Rodney paddling one of the oars with him.

"You know," John tries to sound encouraging, "this isn't really as strange as you led me to believe."

"Oh, yeah?" Rodney gestures to the back of the boat, "What about that?"

John looks to see a circus clown leering at them. "I hate clowns." He makes a face, sure that the entity is taking that image from his own fears.

The Doppelganger taunts them, "You can paddle all you want. You're not going anywhere."

"He's right," Rodney seems to be losing it, "I'm going to die out here!"

"He wants you to be afraid." John shouts back over the rain and thunder, "Don't give him what he wants! He can't really hurt you".

"That's where you're wrong." The Doppelgänger gives a menacing smile.

John's eyes go wide as a massive whale comes up from under the boat, swallowing them whole.

He wakes back up on the gurney to the sound of Rodney flat-lining

 _'No, God, no.'_

"What happened?" He sees Rodney's chest exposed as the cold paddles come down over him, his body convulsing under the electric current.

 _'Come back Rodney. Come back.'_

But Rodney drops back to the gurney pale and still. John pulls the monitor tabs off his head and sits up in horror.

"He's in cardiac arrest." Zelenka is saying.

John's chest seizes up in terror; Oh God. It wasn't enough and now he's going to lose him.

Keller is using a ventilator, and John watches in dread as the man he loves lays cold and unresponsive.

The alarm, that flat electronic sound, won't stop, like it is begging someone to save him.

Covered in a sheen of sweat, wild eyed with adrenaline, John watches as Keller finally pulls away.

"I'm sorry," she tells John, "I've done all I can. He's dead."

John looks up at the ceiling and bites back a bloodcurdling scream. He can't breathe. He has failed Rodney, like he fails everyone. God, he would give anything to have another chance. He knows he doesn't deserve it; he has taken so much for granted. He always fails in the end.

 _'Rodney, I love you. Please don't go. Oh God. Rodney.'_

John has to get out of here and scream. He has to go somewhere where he can scream and beg and cry without people staring. In a daze, he walks toward his quarters. Everything seems so quiet with the scream stuck in his throat. His footsteps echo in the halls that seem to stretch on forever.

As he stumbles down the corridor, Teyla approaches him, "This is all your fault, John." It's a shock to hear her voice his own thoughts.

Ronon is here too, looking at him with accusing eyes, "If you hadn't touched that stupid rock, McKay would still be alive right now."

He sees Sam but she won't forgive him either, "I thought you were going to help him."

"I tried." John answers numbly.

"Some friend you are." Keller chimes in.

They are all right. John told Rodney he would never leave him, that he would be there if Rodney needed him. But he has failed the one person he loves more than anything in this world.

Sam speaks up again, "Colonel, you've been compromised. I'm relieving you of duty."

Looking across the room, John sees his Doppelganger; he feels the rage rise in him and runs at the thing that killed Rodney, "Son of a Bitch."

He attacks and slams into it but his double easily throws John across the room.

"You can quit now," John pants, "I'm not afraid of you."

The Doppelganger looks at him darkly, with a knowing and suggestive expression. "Oh yes you are. I'm the one thing you are afraid of."

John's stomach twists in shame, he is afraid. The thing knows John is afraid of himself. Afraid that he's a faggot, weak, not good enough for anyone. He's failed everyone that mattered. He failed Rodney.

His own face smiles back at him in malice, seeing he has gotten through, "You failed your friends. You brought this on them, and there is nothing you can do to stop it."

Sure, John hates himself, but he hates this version even more. And he isn't going to let the thing get away with killing Rodney. Rushing back to fight John only finds himself getting soundly beaten. The other 'him' knows all his moves, he is stronger and faster.

Nothing he tries works, John is nearly beaten now. The Doppelganger grabs him up off the floor and throws him impossibly up a flight of stairs. John rolls onto his back and sees his double coming for him again. He only just makes it upright in time to take a vicious blow to the face.

He is being tossed around like a rag doll. He feels himself fly through the railing on the balcony and land back at the bottom of the stairs. Whatever strength he had is almost gone. Nothing matters now that Rodney is gone. He is lost.

"Get up". The copy behind him speaks with venom, "Come on, John… Fight!"

"No." He stays on the floor, struggling to speak, "That's what you want."

"It's your fault Heightmeyer's dead. Your fault McKay is dead!" The Doppelganger shouts for effect knowing how the reminder of Rodney's absence will hurt him.

Wincing at the words, John can't bear that Rodney is gone. This really is his worst fear come true, the day when he wouldn't be able to protect Rodney... he can't face a life without him.

Then John hears the sound of another voice.

"I'm not dead."

Looking up from the floor, John sees another version of McKay. This one is standing on the stairs, looking dashing and confident. Even if it is just in his head, his heart swells at the sight of him.

John's double turns on this vision of Rodney, pinning him into a wall, "You can't win."

"Yes, we can." Rodney sounds defiant, "You're vulnerable to electric shock. That's why I'm still alive. You left before you could finish the job!"

John can't be sure what is real anymore. Is Rodney alive, is that really him? Maybe Keller was able to bring him back after all.

A surge of blue electricity arcs, throwing the Doppelgänger back. It stumbles away from Rodney screaming.

John can't believe his eyes, asking the image of Rodney, "What the hell was that?"

The electric shocks continue and the Doppelganger cowers on the floor, groaning. Hoping the active wormhole in the Stargate nearby represents an exit of some kind, John grabs ahold of the entity and throws it in.

As he steps away from the gate, Rodney approaches him cautiously, "Which one are you?"

"Me." John offers in confusion.

"Good you or bad you?"

"Me, me." John shakes his hands hoping that Rodney is really here with him and not just a phantom from a dream state... That would mean Rodney is okay… He's alive.

He walks over to him, pointing, "Is that you… you?"

"I think so." Rodney sounds unsure.

Realizing this means Rodney went back into the machine for him, John opens his mouth not knowing what to say, all that comes out is, "Thanks." ' _Rodney came back for him.'_

Looking around at the replica of the gateroom, Rodney remarks, "Okay, this is really weird."

"You're telling me." John answers.

"I thought there'd be more…" Rodney pauses and gives a little shrug, "hot girls."

 _Is that what Rodney thinks John's mind is like?_ Outwardly John narrows his eyes and tries to sound convincing as he smiles, "Yeah." John says shifting his eyes.

 _'There's just you, Rodney'._

"Hmm." Rodney turns away from the wormhole, looking around as if he is still expecting to find one of these 'hot girls' somewhere.

Out of the corner of his eye, John sees a reflection of Rodney in the shimmering pool of the stargate. _Shit._ He strides forward to keep McKay from turning around and seeing it.

He pats Rodney's shoulder and steers him up the stairs to keep his attention away from the reflection of Rodney's' own face behind them, "Well, I thought I saw you die." _Shit. Maybe he shouldn't have admitted that._

Rodney walks with him blithely unaware of any connection this might have to John's own worst fears, "Oh I did. Pretty much. Went into cardiac arrest, but the shock from the paddles brought me back, and ah," Rodney smiles triumphantly, "drove the entity out of me."

"And into mine." John nods enjoying the feeling of his hand around Rodney's shoulder even if this is just a dream state.

He shouldn't have been so easily fooled to think Rodney was dead. Of course that thing had been able to sense that losing Rodney is his worst fear, worse that everything John is afraid of facing about himself.

Looking up at John with that excited little expression he gets when he's solved a problem, Rodney's whole face goes bright, "So then it was just a matter of getting it out of you. Sorry we had to shock you a little."

 _But Rodney hadn't needed to go back into the machine to do that._ John presses his lips together to suppress a smile, "You still came back for me."

"Well," Rodney gets a bit flustered, "it was the least I could do after, ah, you know-"

John suddenly wakes up back on the gurney and looks over to see Rodney is still really there, alive. His whole body feels like it's sinking into the gurney with relief as he lets his head fall back to the pillow in exhaustion. He closes his eyes; everything is going to be okay now.

Thankfully Rodney hasn't put the pieces together or guessed what John's deepest fear is –or even worse seen that image John's mind conjured up when Rodney had asked why there weren't any hot girls.

Jesus. There should be more hot girls. Anything to get him to stop thinking about Rodney all the fucking time. Maybe he could pick up some extra duty shifts, offer to do some more of those supply runs to that tropical paradise planet Dr. Mackenzie is studying. There had been plenty of friendly hot girls there. The women there have... How did McKenzie put it? 'Little to no social inhibitions.'

When John had told Ronon about his failed attempt to seduce Lieutenant Barrow, he'd just shrugged, "There's gotta be someone or something else you can try."

Barrow reminds John too much of Rodney, maybe some hot girls who have no problem with one night stands would help him forget this unending heartbreak, at least for a night. Anything's got to be better than pining over Rodney and listening to him talk about Katie all the time.

.

.

Over the next month, John revisits McKenzie's tropical paradise as often as he can to distract himself from his feelings. Sometimes Ronon is able to join him on the resupply runs. It's empty fun; but it takes his mind off things with Rodney for a time.

The women there have no sexual inhibitions or sense of jealousy, the society is very communal and festive. A visit involves lounging around and eating before everyone gathers around the fire, drinking while the women dance seductively. They are beautiful to watch.

At the end of the dance, the women each select a man. He never knows who he is going to spend the night with, but he and Ronon are both lucky enough to be chosen on the nights they visit. If he lived someplace like this, John thinks he might be able to forget about Rodney. Almost.

But back on Atlantis he can't stop himself from fantasizing. He tries to start off with an image of something else, like a hot girl from McKenzie's planet... Or that beautiful space nomad who'd kidnapped him, Laren. God, Laren. It had only been one kiss but it had been so good.

He'd lifted Laren up off the floor and she had held onto his shoulder for strength. Just inches away from John's lips, she seemed much more fragile than the bad-ass who had punched him in the face earlier.

She brushed her lips onto John's seductively, then kissed him deeply. John's head was spinning, he surrendered himself to the moment and kissed her back. He hadn't been able to think of anything else but those sexy lips.

Of course it had just been a ruse to get his gun away from him again and John was soon kicking himself for letting the little minx get the upper hand again.

Late nights John often conjures up the image of Laren as he strokes his cock. But Rodney always interrupts it somehow. making the fantasy about him instead. In the end John always ends up needing Rodney to take him over the edge and climax.

John will remember how Rodney started chiding him once he got back. Yelling about how worried he'd been while John was kidnapped, how he'd toiled for days until he found that simple SOS signal on a subspace frequency, depriving himself of much needed sleep because he was certain that Sheppard was barely clinging to life.

Rodney had been so flustered and indignant that John hadn't ended up needing their help to get away. John just wanted to grab him and kiss him right there.

Sometimes he imagines that he had taken Rodney back to his quarters, showed him all the various ways in which he truly did appreciate the effort. Sometimes the fantasy takes place later that day, after Rodney had been interrogating him about his time on the nomad ship.

They'd been eating in the cafeteria and Rodney still seemed so upset that John hadn't been in any real danger; Looking at him skeptically, Rodney kept at him, "No, there's something you're not telling us. She was hot, wasn't she?"

John kept his eyes glued to his plate, cutting his steak with concentration and wondering how the hell Rodney always managed to suss these things out. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh! I knew it." Rodney groaned, "That is so typical."

"She had me beat, Rodney." John argued. "She threatened to kill me several times. It wasn't like we were hanging out in the spa together."

"Whatever." Rodney rolled his eyes and waved his hand dismissively like he didn't care, "All I know is that every time I get taken captive, it's the Wraith."

"Just once" Rodney pointed his finger in the air with insistence, "I would like to be taken prisoner by the sexy alien."

That's when the fantasy kicks in. When John grabs Rodney and shows him what it could be like to be taken captive sexually -in all the best possible ways.

John tries, he really tries to stop thinking about how much he misses being closer to Rodney but he can't stop wanting him.

.

.

Not long after getting back from one of his visits to Mackenzie's planet, a quarantine situation develops in Atlantis. An alien bacteria of some kind begins to spread. The symptoms start with fatigue, dizziness, and memory loss.

While John helps isolate the infected, he finds out that Rodney is among them. He tested positive when he brought Katie to the infirmary because she was feeling ill.

But the efforts to contain the outbreak are ineffective and soon the quarantine is lifted. The infection has already spread citywide and the mess hall has to be turned into a medical overflow for the extra patients.

Sam says that she has ordered Zelenka to remove the main control crystal from the DHD. They can't risk spreading this disease elsewhere in the galaxy or back to Earth.

Finally Keller finds the bacteria is something rather benign in the Pegasus galaxy, not unlike Chicken Pox on Earth; it generally runs its course during childhood. But people in Atlantis are starting to die from it.

Being native to the Pegasus galaxy, Ronon and Teyla are now immune but it would take too long to synthesize antibodies from them. Since Zelenka now has lost his mind along with nearly everyone else and disappeared with the control crystals, John and Ronon have no choice but to fly to the mainland to look for the common plant that Ronon and Teyla say has the ability to cure the disease.

As he sits in the pilot's chair, John feels his concentration slipping. Ronon assures him that he knows how to fly the machine and John manages to lift it out of the roof-thingy.

Upon landing, John follows Ronon uncertainly out of the back of the Jumper and then he starts to get suspicious. How well does he even know this Ronon guy anyway and where the hell is he?

He decides he needs to get to the bottom of whatever is going on and get some straight answers from this guy.

But the guy gets impatient with his questions, "I told you already. We need to get that plant."

John shakes his head in suspicion not trusting anything that is going on here anymore. Then he hears the sound of a gun being cocked and everything goes black.

.

.


	59. Ronan discovers why John won't tell him

.

.

John wakes to find himself bound in the back of some kind of craft. He doesn't know how he got here, but he wastes no time in getting out of his restraints. Hiding in the bushes with a good vantage point of the ship, he waits. He is going to get whoever took him captive.

A tall muscular man he's never seen before enters the clearing, holding a couple heavy bags in his hands. He huffs impatiently when he sees the empty shuttle. John pulls out his pistol and ambushes the man as he walks back out of the open hatch.

Once the man drops his gun, John demands some answers, "Now. Tell me. Who the hell are you?"

The man seems to know that John has no memory and tries to insist he should trust him.

At that, John cocks his gun and narrows his eyes at the guy.

"We're friends." The man insists, "The things we've been through together, I don't care what anyone says, no disease can wipe that away. Not completely. Okay, deep down, you know I'm telling the truth… Now give me the gun."

The suspicion John feels toward the other man ebbs slightly but not enough to fall for the story.

The guy seems to get fed up trying to convince him and throws his arms down in frustration, "Fine. Then shoot me. And you'll be all alone in a dark forest with no idea who you are, where you're going, or what you're going to do next… How could I possibly make it any worse?"

"That's a good point." John eyes him uneasily.

The guy gestures for him to lower the weapon. He's still wary but for some reason John decides to trust this man. He -Ronon is his name- says John knows how to fly the ship back to where they came from; all he has to do is use his mind. Ronon makes sure the course is plotted correctly and John flies them back to a small city floating on the water.

After he lands inside the hanger, Ronon insists that it's important that they get the bags to someone named Teyla.

They barely make it out of the ship when some armed men stop them

Ronon tries to convince them that they are bringing important medicine but they won't listen.

When a man who appears to be their leader arrives, Ronon demands, "Lorne, you have got to listen to me. Everybody on this base is going to die if you don't."

This Lorne guy seems to have no idea who Ronon is and is planning to lock them up, but Ronon angrily insists, "Just look in your vest pocket!"

Lorne pulls out a photo, and Ronon continues, "You took a picture of him just in case it came to this. I was there."

It is a picture of John. Underneath it says:

"Lt. Col. John Sheppard  
-He is your commanding officer  
-TRUST HIM!"

"He's telling the truth." Lorne's face shows a puzzled recognition as he looks to John, "This is our commanding officer."

"That's right." John bluffs and tries to sound confident, "I am your commanding officer. So, you should do what I say."

"Yes, sir." Lorne answers. "What are your orders?"

With no idea what to do, John points his thumb at Ronon, "Do what he says."

Ronon takes his gun back from the men and tells John to follow him. Feeling wobbly, he manages to make it to the room where Ronon wants the bags delivered. He leans up against a table to steady himself, but then his knees slip out from under him.

.

.

Tossing and turning, drenched in sweat, John lapses in and out of fitful dreams.  
He is in Antarctica, all those years back… Remembering how much he'd had to drink to get up the courage to approach Rodney a second time.

He'd never had a second time with a guy before that… He got so drunk that night…

But it had been good, hadn't it? Until…

John sees Rodney after the last time he fucked him… sliding onto the floor of the shower, sobbing and broken. John had wanted to go to him… that was why he came back.

But he'd found Rodney so afraid, shaking and holding himself, like John had just done something terrible to him. Begging, "Please… please… no..."

Without realizing it, John had hurt Rodney somehow. All he could do was run away before Rodney could see that he'd come back.

 _'Why did he run away? He should have gone to him and held him.'_

Then all those months later, in the back of the Jumper, John had done something else he'd never done before. He'd pulled Rodney into an embrace and let his head fall to rest on Rodney's shoulder. Right from the beginning, something about Rodney always made John want to let his guard down.

And it felt so good to hold him, after everything they'd never talked about in Antarctica. He'd held him for as long as he dared. John felt so close to Rodney after they'd saved each other's lives on that desert planet. Rodney had seemed to want to be close too.

The scene changes.

John sees Rodney that night long ago the two of them spent together under the stars. He took hold of John's hand and leaned in to kiss him, saying. "I don't want to hold back anymore."

John had wanted him so badly, but his fear was stronger than his desire. Rearing back, he tore his hand away, looking at Rodney with the mixture of horror and disgust he felt toward himself. Rodney's vulnerable expression fell into one of deep hurt.

Backing away as fast as he could, he told Rodney "I'm sorry, I don't know how to do this."

"Really?", The pain in Rodney's voice was acute, "Because I kinda thought you did."

"No, I- I can't. Sorry, McKay" John had run desperately, seeking an escape from himself, these unnatural feelings.

 _'Why did he run away? He should have taken Rodney in his arms…'_

Where is he now? The corridors seem to stretch on forever in front of him until John finally reaches the hall outside his quarters.

This is where it happened, in the hallway just outside his room. Rodney was getting too close and it terrified John.

"Don't go there, McKay." John strode forward like he was going to hit him. He was so panicked he'd almost done it; stopping inches from Rodney's face, shaking with rage, "I said, don't go there!"

To drive the point home, he'd looked at Rodney with a hard and stony hatred as if to say, _'Stay the fuck away from me. I don't want you, and I never will.'_

That wasn't the worst of it… Later, he'd actually hit Rodney. All Rodney had been trying to do was smooth things over, but John was just too fucking terrified of what he was feeling; he had to get McKay away from him.

He'd snapped, furiously throwing Rodney against the wall with the palm of his hand; shaking with emotion, pressing it sharply into Rodney's chest.

"I said, don't. Go there. McKay… EVER."

Watching Rodney cringe in fear made John realize what he'd just done. Pulling his hand away, he was horrified with himself. Again, he'd just left Rodney there alone. It had taken him over a month to mumble a pathetic, "Sorry."

He still can't forgive himself for the look on Rodney's face when he slammed him into that wall. Rodney's eyes are so expressive…

Rodney's eyes… They glared up at him as John pinned him down on that couch in Colorado.

"Get off!" Rodney screamed, standing up shakily and looking wounded, "You know what? There really is something wrong with you. Something important is missing. I mean, you seem normal enough at first. It's like, they were passing out all the basic human components, 2 arms, 10 fingers… Oh. But they neglected to give you the necessary parts to form a heart."

Rodney's eyes… They had wavered with uncertainty as he apologized about Doranda.

"Honestly, I would… hate to think that recent events might have permanently… dimmed your faith in my abilities." His face fell, looking sorrowful, "Or your trust… At the very least, I hope I can –I can, earn that back."  
"That may take a while." John had answered him coldly.  
Looking completely broken and dejected Rodney whispered in a choked voice, "I see."

Rodney's eyes… They'd been so vulnerable when he'd told John about the demons that haunted him from the past; his own secret pain.

He'd known just what to say to make John feel less vulnerable himself. Then he'd asked John if he could hold him and John had given in. The fear and hurt had melted away as Rodney pulled him close, telling him, "Whatever you think you did wrong has been forgiven."

So much is wrong. How could it ever be? Rodney doesn't want him anymore; he has pulled away. And even though John doesn't deserve it, he still wants to be forgiven.

Rodney's eyes…They were emotional and watery just before collapsing in John's arms, dying.

He had looked so innocent a moment before, asking, "I think, in the grand scheme of things, we're... We're good, aren't we?" It stung that after everything that's all Rodney had to say about them. They were just 'good'. But still John couldn't summon the courage to tell Rodney he loved him. Not until it was too late.

Rodney's eyes… They were full of tears as he gazed at John, lying next to him on the pillow, grief stricken over Carson's death.

Looking completely lost, those blue eyes had searched John's face. As John wrapped his arms protectively around Rodney, he found one of his hands absently straying up to pet Rodney's hair. It was so soft, and the sensation of being that close made him forget himself. He'd let his fingers slowly trail down the side of Rodney's face. And Rodney's eyes… his eyes had been so wide and surprised.

Unable to wake from his feverish fit, John is aware that he is dreaming. Dreams about Rodney… Back when they were in Scotland for Carson's wake…

That was the closest John has ever gotten to showing Rodney how he really feels about him.

When Rodney had broken down, John pulled him up into his arms; he held the back of Rodney's neck tenderly, tightening his other arm around Rodney's waist. Rodney wept and held onto John like he desperately needed him.

When John took Rodney's face in his hands, Rodney never looked up to see the deep longing in John's eyes, "You can ask me anything Rodney, I'll do anything I can."

Blinking through the tears, Rodney's gaze stayed lowered as John promised he wouldn't have to make it through this alone.

But John had meant so much more than that as he pulled Rodney back into him, held him with such love, "I won't ever leave you, I promise, Rodney."

It felt so good to have Rodney need him like that. Rodney had been so shy, asking John if he could spend the night in the same room with him again. But John needed him even more. Needed to have another chance to spend a night holding Rodney in his arms. It felt like they belonged together like that, sleeping next to each other like they used to in Nevada.

But in Nevada they'd never been _that_ close, not the way they were in Scotland. They'd never wrapped themselves up in each other like that, never touched each other with such tenderness before. It was like a dream, too perfect to last.

As John tosses in his sleep, he feels cooler now. Maybe the fever has broken.

He falls into a deeper, dreamless sleep.

When he wakes, it is peaceful. He has the sense someone is in the room with him. Rodney?

He lifts a brow playfully and opens his eyes.

It's Teyla and Ronon.

"Colonel, you're awake." Teyla smiles at him.

"Mmm-Mmm" John tries to keep his eyes open, "What happened?"

"Teyla distributed the plant through the ventilation system." Ronon tells him, "Knocked you out for a bit."

"How long have I been asleep?"

"About a day." Ronon replies.

"A day?" John frowns.

Ronon explains, "Hit some people harder than others."

Enquiring about his memory, Teyla leans over the bed in concern; fortunately, it seems to be intact, even if he does feel a little weak. Ronon congratulates him on saving the day by having Major Lorne take that photo.

"Yes." Teyla agrees, "If the distribution of the cure had been delayed any longer, then many more people would have died.

"What do you mean?" John is alarmed. He looks around the room. His eyes wide, completely awake now, "Where's McKay?"

Teyla assures him that Rodney is alive and well in the infirmary. Awash with relief, John waits until the two of them have left and then gets up off his gurney to find Rodney.

After a short search he spies him, bent down by Katie's bed; Rodney is clasping Katie's hands, his head bowed over her unconscious body. He obviously has a great love and devotion for her. John feels like a bastard for wishing her gone and he envies the fact that she is the one that has Rodney's love. She is more deserving of it; but he still hates her for having it. He leaves quietly without disturbing the scene.

Dr. Keller sees him on the way out and says, "Isn't it sweet? He's refused to leave her bedside this whole time."

 _'Yeah. So sweet.'_ John smiles emptily and nods on his way through the door.

Katie eventually does recover, and John has mixed feelings about that. He's happy for Rodney, of course. Clearly, Rodney is very dedicated to her and she is lucky to have him. It's not her fault that John is in so much pain. But God, it he could take back some of the things he's done… if he'd been a better person… Maybe...

Or maybe he's just kidding himself that Rodney could have loved him instead.

All of it is so wrong, John shouldn't be thinking about another man this way. It's not like women don't appeal to him… It's just, whenever he cums, whether it's with one of the hot girls on Mackenzie's planet, or by himself, he is always fantasizing about Rodney by the end.

He wants to turn his feelings off, find the off switch that he used to have. But this thing with Rodney… the problem of being so in love with him, it's getting harder and harder to live with.

.

.

John never saw this coming. None of them did. He shakes his head as he watches the sun start to come up from the window in his room. He feels too culpable to sleep. He had never imagined that reactivating the Replicator attack code would cause them to start destroying human worlds in order to diminish the Wraith food supply.

The Wraith that once restored John's life had come to Atlantis to ask for their help in deactivating the Replicators 'kill code'. John had been suspicious, but he'd felt there was something about this Wraith that was a bit different. John doesn't trust him exactly, but he had been willing to take a risk and hear him out. Now it has been confirmed. Hundreds of thousands are dead; three human planets have been decimated already. Who can say how many more will have to perish before they can find a way to undo this.

With the creature's ship destroyed by an enemy Hive, they are now missing the last pieces of the original code, used thousands of years ago to shut down the Replicator command to attack the Wraith. But they'll force their prisoner to help Rodney until the two of them can piece together a solution.

He knows Rodney is having a hard time with this too. John had tried to assure him earlier that it wasn't his responsibility, that John had been the one to make the call. But Rodney still blamed himself, reminding John it was all his idea to begin with.

Knowing all too well what it is like to carry the burden of responsibility, John took a soothing tone with him, "You never could have known it was going to go this way."

"No," Rodney sighed, "we don't know that for sure. Look, remember the nanovirus that caused the fatal aneurysms? I always suspected the Replicators were behind it."

"Yeah, but you never proved it." John tried to put an end to Rodney second-guessing himself.

"But we know how they feel about the humans, they think they were a mistake. We should have seen something like this coming." Rodney told him with a heavy face.

He had hated to see that look on Rodney's face.

Turning from the window, John makes his way down to the lab to check on Rodney; somehow he knows he'll still be awake working on the code.

When he gets there, he sees the Wraith has been taken back to its holding cell. Rodney is there alone with his shoulders pinched and hunched over his computer in an uncomfortable position and John wonders how long he has been sitting like that.

When John walks up behind him, Rodney doesn't look up, remaining locked in his tense position. Without thinking, he reaches down and grips onto Rodney's shoulders, kneading his thumbs into the muscle and pulling Rodney back and upright in the seat.

Rodney inhales sharply and John realizes what he has just done.

Still, he can't let go. He finds himself massaging into Rodney's shoulders and rubbing at the knots.

"You can't just sit here bent over the computer all night." John tries to sound innocent.

"Uh… Well, somebody's got to, uh…" Rodney's body goes slack under John's hands and he relaxes completely.

It's hard not to think about that night when John massaged Rodney for hours; he'd gotten to run his hands completely over Rodney's back and arms. The feel of Rodney's skin is something he's missed so much.

He should really stop touching Rodney now, but it feels so good. Rodney leans his head back and looks up at John, delirious and sleepy. While John keeps forcing Rodney's shoulders to relax, Rodney begins to ramble.

"The Wraith keeps trying to tell me I need to iterate all values of the expression before I can aggregate the results, otherwise I risk compounding errors. Which is stupid, we're better off using known data points and extrapolating.

I have most of the original shutdown virus to compare to the changes I made to the code. Theoretically, knowing what we know and knowing what he knows, we should be able to work together to shut them down again."

"Like Dinosaurs turned into birds, theoretically, or Theory of Relativity, theoretically?" John asks in serious tone.

"What?" Rodney blinks his tired eyes in confusion. "I don't know… I, oh. Funny."

Laughing, John shakes Rodney's shoulders before finally forcing himself to release his hold, "I thought so. Now, get up and go get some sleep. You aren't going to make any more headway tonight… I mean morning or whatever."

"I know but I just gotta-"

"Rodney. Sleep." John pats the side of his shoulder, instinctively looking for a reason to touch him again.

"Okay" Rodney relents and stands up drowsily.

"Come on." John walks him to his quarters, just to make sure Rodney really does get some rest.

As he watches Rodney disappear into his room, John wishes he had a reason to go in there with him. Just to sleep next to Rodney and hold him… God, what he wouldn't give for that.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Ronon takes his dinner out to the patio with Teyla. She is kind as always, seeming wise even with the simplest words. Ronon wonders if she has the answers to some of his unanswered questions with John. He decides to try to ask what he can without arousing suspicion.

First the two of them discuss the recent abduction of the Athosians form their settlement. She is having a very hard time dealing with the uncertainty of what happened to her people. It had been so sudden, all of them just disappeared without a trace. And the only person who may have known their true fate escaped their grasp.

Ronon promises her that they won't give up until they have all the Athosians safely back. She reaches out her arm and touches his shoulder, thanking him for being her friend and ally.

They speak of other things for a while; then, when there is a lull in conversation, Ronon gives her a pensive look.

She turns to him giving her full attention, "What is it Ronon?"

"I just… I've been wondering… How come there aren't… I mean there aren't any guys that date each other here on Atlantis, are there?"

Teyla closes her eyes and shakes her head, "If there are, I believe they keep it a closely guarded secret."

"Why?" Ronon frowns.

Taking a breath, she lifts her eyebrows in a reproachful manner, "The people of Atlantis are not advanced in all things."

Pausing, she adds more diplomatically, "There is a deep superstition, religious in nature, I believe, that has resulted in such social taboos."

"But most people here aren't even religious." Ronon is confused.

"No," Teyla leans her head to the side, "but such social conditioning, over a great period of time, has resulted in a deep fear and hatred."

Ronon feels like he might be getting to the bottom of this; John had said he thought Ronon would hate him if he knew. "Hatred? Of what?"

"It is my understanding that the idea of two men, or two women, being involved romantically, is abhorrent to many people from Earth."

He struggles to comprehend. On Sateda some of his best comrades were men who dated, or were married to, other men. They were in the minority, but no one would have thought to hate them or think less of them for who they loved. It was no more any issue than Ronon dating a woman.

"I know," Teyla responds to his confused expression, "such intolerance is difficult for me to understand as well. Among the Athosians we have had little reason to persecute each other. Perhaps it is because we were united in fighting the Wraith."

"What do you mean persecute?" Ronon is struck by the word she uses.

"Earth has historically…" Teyla looks uncomfortable, "There have been great injustices done."

"Tell me what you know." Ronon demands.

She looks reluctant, "Their history is filled with tales of violence, burnings, disfigurement... imprisonment, even death."

"How do you know this?" Ronon cannot believe what he is hearing, "Does this still happen?"

Teyla is quiet for a moment, "I cannot divulge the source, but I befriended a woman in the military who... prefers the company of woman. It was not easy for her to share these things with me. She was afraid that I would reject her, and I inquired as to why."

Ronon feels warm with anger, "You can't be telling me that they put people to death for this?!"

"Well, from what I could understand, it seems that doesn't happen so much anymore on Earth, not legally. But sometimes people are killed. More often they are beaten, especially during childhood. And for someone in the military, it is expressly forbidden."

"What happens to someone in the military?" Ronon feels a dread in his stomach.

"They… lose their rank and social standing. They are… put on trial, publically humiliated and dismissed from service."

"If you know of anyone…" Teyla looks at Ronon pensively, "You must never speak of this, or great harm will come to them."

"They would do that?" Ronon balls his fists shaking in rage.

Teyla nods her head sadly.

This explains everything. Why John didn't feel he could trust Ronon enough to tell him about Rodney. Why John feared he would lose Ronon's respect. All of this is so fucked.

No longer hurt by the fact that John wouldn't confide in him, Ronon makes a decision never to pressure John to talk about it. If John tells him, it will be in his own time. He feels… just sadness.

There must be a great chasm of despair that John feels over his love for Rodney. And this must be the reason why John thought Rodney would be happier with someone else. It all falls into place, but Ronon feels worse for knowing. There is nothing he can do to help his friend.

.

.


	60. Think you're gonna find someone better?

.  
.

It's been about a year since Rodney and Katie started dating. And things have been going really well.

There've been no major fights and she still seems to like him... It's just... he doesn't feel as happy about it as he thought he would. Meeting a nice girl and settling down has been the goal, to try to achieve some of the domestic happiness his sister seems to have.

He can't put his finger on it exactly, but it feels empty somehow. It's nice to be liked, but it doesn't feel that Katie really knows him for who he is... and if she doesn't know him, the feeling of connection is false. Maybe with time, it will be easier to open up. But Katie just doesn't feel like the kind of person to joke around with or tell the dark stuff to. She is more like a pleasant, pretty thing that he doesn't want to scare away.

In the end, everyone has left Rodney. It seems kind of inevitable that she will too. But he is trying to do things differently with her. Maybe it is for the best that he tries to hide the less likable sides of himself. Still, the idea of maintaining this balance indefinitely sounds exhausting. And if he is honest with himself, it isn't very fulfilling. Sometimes, he even thinks about ending things between them.

Stupid, he knows, she's the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. He really doesn't want to fuck it up. He's never had a woman be willing to date him for this long and Rodney is grateful, whatever the reason, that she still seems to be interested.

This is, after all, probably the healthiest relationship he's ever had. He doesn't know why he can't just be content. Maybe he had a fantasy of what a deeper connection would feel like. That fantasy, whispers to him sometimes, makes him long for more. But reality is something else, something plodding and dutiful, careful and restrained. And Katie is... she's lovely, really.

Maybe one day he'll figure out how to find the kind of happiness Jeanie's found with Kaleb, even something just a little bit like that would be nice.

These days Rodney and Jeanie talk more frequently. Now that they are back in each others lives they email frequently. Lately they've even been corresponding about some of his work on the Replicator nanites. Since she signed the NDA with the Air Force, technically he's not breaking any rules by getting a fresh pair of eyes on the research. But what Jeanie seems to delight most in, is giving Rodney romantic advice. Well, sometimes it feels more like interrogating and micromanaging. But he takes her critiques without too much complaint since he has a lot to make up for. And he supposes when it comes to relationships, of any sort, Jeanie is much better at human interaction than he's ever been.

.

.

Rodney can't believe it was just a week ago that he and Jeanie were happily arguing online with each other about nanites and his relationship with Katie. He was starting to feel like things between them were back to how it had been when she was in graduate school. Collaborating and conversing in their combative but close knit manner. His niece Madison had even drawn a picture that included him as part of the Miller clan. Now that he's managed to get Jeanie kidnapped and put her family in danger, everything is ruined.

He should have known better than to send such sensitive material back to Earth, to get Jeanie involved in his world. In a sick sort of way, Rodney's gotten used to facing impending death, but to put Jeanie at risk... Rodney sighs and glances about the room where they are being held captive. Some rescue attempt this turned out to be. Now he's stuck here with the same lunatic that managed steal the nanite technology.

Jeanie was right. They probably should have just tried to help their kidnapper alter the nanite coding. Rodney should have been less defensive about taking the blame for the mess he got her into. He shouldn't have acted so sure that he could break them out of here and talked her into that ill-fated escape attempt. He should have just said he was sorry.

Now their infuriated captor, Henry Wallace, has injected his sister with the fatal nanites; a kind of motivation to insure Rodney would try to cure his sick daughter.

Though he has left them alone to work on the coding, his threat still hangs in the air, "Fix this or they both die." Wallace told Rodney after injecting Jeanie with the nanites.

But Rodney is as sure that it can't be done as he is that this Henry Wallace guy is just going to kill them anyway. Even if by some miracle he could alter the nanites in a way that might fix the guy's kid, Wallace could never allow them to live long enough to expose him. And since his company manufactures the subcutaneous transmitters for the SGC, there is no way John or the others are going to be able to track them. They are dead for sure. Doomed. And Rodney is going to die knowing he is responsible for his sister's death.

His shoulders hunch in on themselves in remorse and Rodney blinks back some tears, gulping at the lump of hopeless dread in his throat. _'Try not to think about Jeanie dying. Try not to think about Jeanie dying.'_ There has to be something... Some way...

But the program was designed to inhibit the nanites on a fundamental level, to make them less dangerous and keep them from replicating. That is why they are not communicating with each other and full of fatal flaws.

Maybe if they were to unleash some of the restraints Rodney built into them... It would take rewriting several thousand lines of code or so...

"Look," Rodney walks back to his computer and peers at his sister, "I'm really sorry about all this."

Jeanie can't even look at him, "I really don't want to talk about this right now, okay? We need to write this program and upload it to my nanites. I will yell at you later, okay?"

"Okay." Rodney sits down to keep working, telling himself there will be a later. He'd give anything to have Jeanie alive and yelling at him later.

.

.

* * *

.

.

"We're going in circles here." Sifting through paperwork for all these hours has John frustrated; every agent on Earth with clearance has been working to find Rodney and his sister but they've gotten nothing.

"I don't even get what we're doing." Ronon admits.

"We're trying to match the corporations." Agent Barrett explains, "See the company that rented the space for the internet router, which was owned by another company, which was owned by another, and owned by another."

John offers his own explanation to Ronon, "Trying to connect the company that was monitoring Jeanie's computer to a company that would want to take her."

"Probably a company owned by The Trust, we just haven't found the connection." Barrett supposes.

"They knew enough to shut down the transmitter." John reminds him.

"Exactly," Barrett tells him, "You know, that fact that they even knew that tells us that they're pretty intimate with the operations of the Stargate program... Again, the Trust."

"We should widen the net." John leans forward in his chair, "Maybe it wasn't one of them."

"Other known enemy group?" Barrett asks.

"Or an ally." Ronon adds.

"Chinese? Russians?" Barrett questions.

"McKay said he was working on a program to shut down the Replicators." John frowns, "Was he working in tandem with anyone else here on Earth?"

"No." Barrett shakes his head, "No, not that I know of... Wait, there was a medical company that was working on other nanite programs, but they didn't have any direct dealings with him."

"Which company was that?" John is interested.

"I don't know." Barrett sets down some papers, "Give me a sec. I'll find out."

Ronon follows Barrett out of the room and John demands, "Where are you going?"

"To get some food."

"Well in case you forgot, McKay and his sister are still missing." John accuses.

"What?" Ronon sighs and gives John a look, "You want my help dissecting corporate structures? When you find someone to point a gun at, you let me know."

"Ah, fair enough." John lets him leave.

It's only because of his own misspent youth that John knows how to analyze corporate structures. He didn't enjoy it then, and he sure doesn't now. But until he finds Rodney, he will do whatever he has to.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney is restless, "What, it's been a couple hours?"

"Something like that." Jeanie answers.

"So what, no updates?" He paces, "I mean, I know we're hostages and all, but come on! It took me like 10 seconds to upload the program to you. What's taking them so much time?"

Fretting out loud, Rodney moves back and forth across the room talking a mile a minute.

"Okay, sit down you're driving me crazy!" Jeanie yells at him.

He folds his arms and sits down with a pout.

"So," Jeanie pipes back up, "are you going to marry that Katie girl?"

"What?" Rodney is stunned, Jeanie's never said anything like this to him before about Katie.

Jeanie is singsong, "You heard me."

"Where did that come from?"

"I'm trying to take my mind off the fact that I have tiny robots running through my veins because you needed help with your homework. Would you rather talk about that?"

Deflated, Rodney answers, "Not really."

"So are you going to marry her?" Jeanie repeats herself.

"I don't know" Rodney croaks.

"You've been dating for over a year now." She points out.

"I'm aware of that," Rodney meets her challenging look to deflect his feelings of inadequacy about pretty much everything right now, "thank you." he adds bitterly.

"You think you're going to find someone better?" Jeanie makes a dubious face.

Embarrassed, he replies, "No, it's not that." He's well aware that he's no great catch.

"Cause you're not." Jeanie laughs.

"Hang on." Rodney feels insulted even though he knows it's true.

But Jeanie keeps going, "The fact that you found a nice girl who's willing to put up with all your many little flaws is a miracle."

She's right, Jeanne knows him almost better than anyone. Even she is shocked Rodney managed to find an attractive and decent girl willing to put up with him for a year.

Her words still sting and he wants to cut her off, "Look-"

"Plus, physically, you're... Well, how do I put this? You're no John Sheppard." Jeanie laughs again at her last statement.

The last thing Rodney wants to think about is not being good enough for John Sheppard. He couldn't feel any lower right now.

His face ices over and he stands up, "Okay. Let's go back to talking about how this is my fault, because I think I liked that better."

Gratefully, the door to the room opens and ends the conversation. Rodney and Jeanie are taken to see Wallace's daughter; she has apparently recovered from her ailments.

It seems like a glimmer of hope at first but then there are complications. A short time later they are informed the girl has died. Rodney is sure they are soon to follow her to the grave but then something strange happens. She revives. Alive but vacant and unresponsive.

Jeanie and Rodney deduce that after the nanites the repaired the cancer, they stopped the girl's heart to repair a slight valve defect. After her death the nanites went back to work repairing the brain damage, leaving her mind as empty as an infant.

 _'Oh God_. _Jeanie's epilepsy.'_ Rodney realizes this means the same thing will happen to her.

.

.

* * *

.

.

After breaking into Develin medical facilities, John and Ronon shoot their way through and push the door open to the lab where Rodney and Jeanie are being held.

They find them alive and John heaves with relief, "You guys okay?"

Jeanie starts, "How did you-"

Rodney interrupts yelling, "We need to get Jeanie to the SGC immediately! Is the Daedalus still in orbit?"

"You're welcome." John stares at Rodney incredulously, "It was a daring rescue."

"Yes-yes-yes," Rodney sputters, "thank you, but we're nowhere near out of the woods yet. We have to get to the SGC now!"

Seeing the look on Rodney's face, John doesn't ask why. He radios the Daedalus while his men secure Henry Wallace and beam them all to the SGC.

After Jeanie is placed in a medically induced coma, Rodney explains that her legs had to be broken to give the nanites something to repair before moving to her brain and wiping her consciousness. These nanites have been engineered to be immune to an EM pulse and Rodney doesn't think he has the ability to come up with a solution on his own. He tells John that his only hope is to convince their Wraith captive to help.

Bringing a Wraith to Earth is one of the worst ideas John has ever heard. But Rodney says he needs him and so he makes it happen.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Desperate and out of his mind, Rodney tries to appeal to the Wraith and find a way to motivate him to help."Do you have any relatives? Do the Wraith have brothers or sisters? I don't know how it works. But with us... My people? Those bonds mean a lot. My sister is in trouble and... it's pretty much all my fault. You could help us. You could save her."

The reply is half-yawn, half growl.

"Doesn't mean anything to you, does it?" Rodney's heart sinks, "I suppose it wouldn't mean much to me, either, if I was in your place."

"Okay." Rodney nods stoically, then lifts his chin to try another tactic, "Okay. You and I both know that if we can figure out how to shut down these Earth-made nanites, it would be a giant step toward shutting down the Replicators. I know you lost your Hive. I have no idea how horrible that must have been for you. But knowing that they're still out there, that you alone could do something about it? That's got to be driving you crazy."

The Wraith looks like he's giving Rodney's words consideration so he continues, "So don't do this for me. Don't do this for my sister. Do this for yourself. Do this because you know you can, and because you know it'll help destroy the Replicators once and for all. What do you say?"

The creature gives a hesitant nod and Rodney feels a surge of hope in the darkness as the two of them begin working together on the coding .

They seem to be making progress but a few hours later, all is lost again. The Wraith suddenly collapses. He has not fed in some time and his body seems to be shutting down.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John takes Rodney to a private room to talk about the new development, "What if he's faking? What if he's just milking it for a hot meal?"

"No, I believe him." Rodney answers sincerely, "He can't finish the coding without feeding. I understand exactly what he's doing, but he's far more versed at implementing it than I am. Maybe if I had a couple of weeks, but he's the only one who can do it in a day."

"I don't know what to say, but the NID is not going to provide us with a human for him to feed on." John doesn't know where Rodney is going with this line of reasoning.

"I know. It needs to be me."

"What?" He looks up at Rodney in horror.

"I want him to feed on me." Rodney's eyes move nervously but he holds himself sure as if he has thought this through and won't be talked out of it.

"You want to what?" John's eyes widen as he moves face to face with Rodney; his heart is pounding with anger and terror. There is no way anything like this is going to be allowed to happen but the mere thought of Rodney being harmed in any way sends his adrenaline into overload.

"Let him feed off me," Rodney's shoulders stoop but his voice stays determined, "get his strength back, then he can finish the coding and save Jeanie."

"Then, what," John throws his arm out in a defiant gesture to emphasize the futility of the idea, "force him to give you your life back? He's not going to do that."

Rodney swallows and explains to John that the girl who first received the nanites has died again, this time from a defect in the nanites themselves. He pleads, "I can't lose my sister, John. How am I going to explain that to her husband? To her kid?"

"That Wraith'll kill you." John's steels his eyes at Rodney. _'And no one is allowed to kill you as long as I'm alive and breathing.'_

"It's my choice to make." Rodney holds John's gaze without wavering.

"No, it's not." John's voice is heavy and low, his eyes flash with emotion; he looks at Rodney with a fierce protectiveness but there is a soft affection he can't hide, "You're a valuable member of my team, and you report directly to me." _'You are invaluable Rodney, I love you and I can't lose you'._

"Really?" Rodney's voice goes up a notch, "You want to talk about chain of command right now?"

Scared that he isn't going to be able to control Rodney, John's speaks in a loud command, "You are not doing this."

"She's here because of me. I can't fix the problem, but I can help the guy who can. Look, this was not an easy decision to make."

"I can't." John's lips pull into an expression of pain. _'I can't live without you Rodney, I'm sorry'_

"Please." Rodney is wide-eyed, begging now.

Unable to find his voice for a moment, John's lip trembles as he tries to speak; he whispers hoarsely, "I'm sorry." _'I'm sorry Rodney, I love you too much to let you go. Even if you never forgive me for this'._

And the way Rodney is looking at John now, he doesn't think he'll ever forgive him. If John lets Jeanie die, Rodney will despise him for the rest of his life. But at least Rodney will be safe.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney can't believe John has shut him out of his own lab. After stealing a key card, he tries in vain to open the door but it doesn't respond. His failure catches the attention of a nearby guard. He steps over and demands to see the key card. Rodney tries to rebuff him, but the guard is insistent.

Relinquishing the card, Rodney is told, "You're not Dr. Lee, sir."

"Is that Lee's card?" Rodney flubs, "You know we were just at the gym and must have swapped pants, so would you just open the door for me?"

"Not without a card, sir."

 _'He has to get in there and offer himself to the Wraith.'_ "Look I'm Dr. Rodney McKay. This is my lab. Would you please open the door?"

"I can't do that, sir." The guard just stares at him.

"This is a matter of life and death!" Rodney is losing his composure and panicking, "Open the door!"

As if responding to his distress, the door opens from the inside.

Rodney spies John in the lab and begs, "Sheppard?"

"Let him in" John says calmly.

Cautiously stepping in, Rodney sees a body bag being wheeled out on a gurney. The Wraith is standing upright, in perfect health.

"What?" Rodney gasps.

John has a hard expression on his face, "I was showing Wallace the labs. The Wraith got the upper hand. That's what the report's going to say."

There is a darkness in John that Rodney sometimes forgets is there. He looks at him in apprehension, "You..."

"Come on." John's face stays dark and cold, "You've got work to do."

.

.

After the nanites have been rendered inert, Rodney travels with Jeanie back to Vancouver and gets her settled in with her family. While he is there, he impulsively stops at a store that sells engagement rings. He didn't come prepared with a lot of money to spend but Jeanie's sentiments keep echoing through his mind.

 _"You're not going to find someone better, Rodney" "You know it's true"._

The fact the he found anyone at all is a miracle. He knows deep down he is pathetic and unlovable, he has too many flaws for anyone to love him for who he really is. His best chance to settle down is to try to woo Katie into marriage before it's too late and she changes her mind.

Feeling sad and empty, Rodney picks out a ring and buys it on the spot. Just in case he gets the nerve to ask. He'll probably never manage to do it anyway. Rodney's never been good at taking emotional risks. Even when another person would think the odds are good, Rodney would rather not risk the pain of rejection.

There had been that one night when he'd been brave. With John. He'd tried to be vulnerable, stupidly thinking John saw something more in him and wanted him back. It had been so unlike himself to reach out and try to kiss John in a delutional moment of romanticism.

Rodney can see it in his mind now. The look on John's face. The complete disgust and revulsion. Of course John didn't want him, he'd been so stupid to ever fool himself into thinking otherwise. He'll never be able to forget that look on John's face as he pulled away from Rodney in horror. There is still a sharp pang in his chest every time Rodney remembers.

.

.

When Rodney gets back to Atlantis two nights later, he finds himself walking to John's quarters. Stepping through the door, he sees John reclining on the bed, reading a magazine.

"Hey." John greets him casually.

"Hey." Rodney repeats the sentiment.

"Look who's back." John peers at him intently, "How was the family?"

"Ah, It was great..." Rodney sits on a nearby chair, "I bought them a Prius."

"Guilt." John guesses.

"Yeah." Rodney admits before leaning forward in his chair to inquire about what's really on his mind, "Listen, I can't believe what you did."

"I don't really want to talk about it." John looks back to his magazine.

But Rodney can't let it go, "You talked Wallace into sacrificing himself."

"No, I didn't."

Confused, Rodney tries to understand. That had been what John did, right? Just talked the man into something, not forced him? He doesn't really care because the fact of the matter is that John saved Jeanie -and him, but it can't imagine how John managed it.

"Well then how did he-?"

"I..." John shuts the magazine, "I presented a situation... He volunteered."

"Still, you talked a man into killing himself." Rodney wonders if that's all there was to it.

"He wanted to make things right." John has that dark look again, "I merely, uh..."

After a moment of silence, Rodney fills in the rest of the sentence for him, "Presented a situation."

Looking back to John, Rodney sees the soldier's face has dropped away. Right now, John reminds him of a lost, hurt boy.

There is pain in his green-flecked eyes. But also a crack of openness, like John wants to be understood. His furrowed brows are trying to conceal emotion by looking far too cross but altogether failing .

John's are lips pressed together just enough to look sad but not so much that the kissable pout has disappeared.

 _'Oh John, I really wish you would have let me kiss you.'_

"Yeah." John whispers.

Wishing John were answering his thoughts and not responding to what he said out loud, Rodney blinks sadly, "Thanks."

There is something in the way John is looking at him... If he didn't know better he could almost swear that John wants to be kissed. Rodney kicks himself for even thinking about it. It's ridiculous how off base he is with these things.

"Want to get something to eat?" He sighs and stands up.

An unpredictable look flits across John's face, then he throws the magazine to the side saying, "Sure."

He wonders if John even thinks Rodney is at all attractive. Jeanie had made it sound like John was so completely out of his league that it was ridiculous.

As they walk to the door, Rodney decides to test John's thoughts on the matter, "Say, you and I are about even when it comes to looks, right?"

"Who's been lying to you?" John teases.

All right, fine; Rodney knows that he isn't anywhere near as good looking as John but he just wants to know how John would rate him, "No, I'm serious."

"I am too." John banters, "Who's been lying to you?"

Whatever. The only reason John ever looked twice at him was because he'd had so little to choose from while stationed on Antarctica. Rodney doesn't know why he even cares so much what John thinks about him anyway. He has Katie at least.

.

.


	61. This changes everything

.

.

Getting ready for the mission John still can't get over the shock of seeing Elizabeth's face on that video feed. When he first saw her, his heart soared thinking they had her back. But then she'd explained that she was a copy of the Elizabeth he knew, not _his_ Elizabeth. Only a duplicate, created by a rebel faction of the Replicators to study Ascension. But still, a duplicate with all her thoughts and memories, exactly like Elizabeth.

She and a small group escaped the destruction of the rebel base and fled to a hidden planet to escape the Replicators. She says they have intel vital to help Atlantis defeat them once and for all. It could be some kind of trick... but in the back of John's mind he can't help but feel like maybe they are getting her back somehow.

When the team gates to her location, they find more than just a copy of Elizabeth; there are copies of the rest of them as well. Seeing himself, standing face to face with another John Sheppard… well, it's very strange. Rodney's duplicate strikes up easy banter with his original.

But John is more suspicious of his double, "You said you got something for us."

"Yeah," The Sheppard copy prompts, "McKay."

Both McKays look up and John's double clarifies, "No, _MY_ McKay". The way the other Sheppard says it sounds familiar and possessive to John.

They are shown a device said to be capable of tracking all Replicator ships in the galaxy. Both Rodneys get very excited about the possibilities, bubbling over each other's thoughts to describe how it could best be applied.

 _HIS_ Rodney is saying, "...run it through an Ancient relay so that the information is-"

The Rodneys continue, now speaking in unison, "Automatically adapted and outputted."

"Outputted?" John asks skeptically, "Is that even a word?"

"Of course it is." _His_ Rodney rebuffs.

"We can't both be wrong." The other Rodney taunts.

Two McKay's is almost too much to take. John slows them down and reminds them that it would be a security risk to allow the doubles access to Atlantis.

 _His_ Rodney is unperturbed by the dilemma, saying they can easily bring the equipment needed back to the base camp. The two happy doubles continue planning and complementing each other on their mutual genius.

As the Rodneys leave for the Jumper, John rolls his eyes. The Ronons and the Teylas head out with John's double to look at the rest of the base camp scattered through the forest. Alone with Elizabeth in the big tent enclosure, John asks if she'll take a walk with him.

But once they are a minute or so outside the camp it occurs to him that this might be his only chance to inspect the gear the duplicates brought to the compound without being observed… Perhaps make sure they are not planning some kind of ambush.

He asks Elizabeth if she can wait for him and sprints back. On his approach, he spies the other Rodney -not _his_ Rodney, running out from the tent alone.

 _'What is he doing back here?'_ The double is supposed to be in the Jumper with _HIS_ Rodney. Duplicate Rodney starts to head back in the direction of the Jumper.

Before he makes it out of the clearing John's double steps out from a nearby tree and calls to him, "Rodney."

Out of breath, Rodney stops and raises his eyebrows expectantly. The Sheppard double -John decides to call him Shep- strides over to him quickly.

There is a deep longing in Shep's voice as he repeats himself, "Rodney." Shep places his hands on the unzipped edges of Rodney's jacket and pulls him in close; Rodney is pliant, his eyes go big and soft.

"So" Shep tells him, "if we're not the real us, If I'm not even in the military then... I figure this changes everything." He bites his lip with a vulnerable countenance, "And before we go running off into God knows what… I want you to know-"

Deliberately letting go of Rodney's jacket, Shep moves his hands up to Rodney's face; at first, cradling it tenderly, then clasping it with growing confidence. Rodney closes his eyes in pleasure before looking up at Shep with an expression that could only be love.

Shep looks like his whole body is vibrating. John can feel the passion like it is his own; like he is on fire.

Rodney, -this other Rodney-, lets Shep tilt his head slightly to one side. Pulling him in gently, Shep brushes his lips lightly across Rodney's mouth. Then Rodney lets out a light moan as Shep presses his lips more firmly against him, tasting, savoring, and kissing with all the longing John has ever felt for _his_ Rodney.

Rodney's lips part, taking it all in and deeply returning the kiss. John never knew it could be like this. That it could be so... _God._ Watching this feels like how Rodney -maybe how _his_ Rodney- would kiss him.

It is lustful and sweet, so sweet. Rodney's arms wrap up behind Shep's neck and wind into his hair. He is pulling Shep desperately into him, like it is not enough. Like he could never get enough.

The way they are together is so perfect. The way their mouths move on each other… John has never seen two men kiss before and he'd never imagined it could be so… sweet. Hot as hell, but so intimate. It makes John's cock ache.

The pair pull apart for a breath and rest their heads together, foreheads bowed.

"This changes everything." Rodney agrees, his chest rising and falling with anticipation.

Shep's eyes are closed but his smile is unmistakable, he lowers his head until his lips are next to Rodney's ear. John can't hear what Shep whispers but in his heart he knows exactly what it is. Rodney's body flutters and he ardently pulls Shep into another kiss; this time more intense, demanding even.

Is it possible that _his_ Rodney ever felt this way about him? John feels like he is losing his mind.

Biting Shep's lower lip, Rodney catches it in his teeth; then whispers a reply. Shep pulls him back in, holding his upper back and waist possessively as he takes Rodney again with wild abandon. The desire between them is maddening and palpable; it gives John butterflies in his stomach.

Finally, Shep pulls away with his hands on Rodney's shoulders. The two of them stare at each other in desperate lust, like they are barely restraining themselves from acting on their need right here in this clearing. But Shep tightens his grip on Rodney and shakes him as if to break the spell.

"Okay… We have to stop." Shep is firm. "At least until the mission's over." he adds with a glint.

Rodney nods reluctantly.

"I just needed you to know, just in case we don't-"

"We will." Rodney interrupts and lifts his chin stubbornly, "Especially now that I know, and, and now that you know. We aren't going to lose each other again."

Breaking contact, Rodney tears himself away as if it physically hurts him and begins running back in the direction of the Jumper.

John ducks to the far side of the tree before Shep can see him. Okay, that wasn't at all what he was expecting to find back at the base camp. He doesn't even know how to process this. He loses his legs a little and leans against the tree trunk for support.

Fuck. His whole body is trembling. It wasn't him, but it felt like him, like he and Rodney had… Oh, fuck, why hadn't he let Rodney kiss him back when he _wanted_ to.

Now he will never forget what it looks like, what it feels like. There is no going back. This does change everything.

 _Focus John._ He has to get himself together and complete the mission. Before his thoughts can betray him any further, he runs back to where he left Elizabeth.

Thankfully, she is right where he left her. But John is saddened to hear that she believes the original Elizabeth has perished. He can't help but speculate about the possibility of having her return to Atlantis anyway; she is doubtful she'd ever be accepted given that she was created by Replicators. But even if she is not the original, John wants this Elizabeth back home with them.

A deep rumbling noise interrupts his sentiment. The Replicators have found them.

They start to take fire and now John is thinking about _his_ Rodney, back at the Jumper and how he can keep him safe. He gets word that the SGC personnel at the gate have retreated; they tell him that it is under heavy guard by the Replicators.

The Jumper will never make it; even cloaked they will be destroyed before they get through. Elizabeth insists that what the team needs is a diversion, one she and the others would be willing to provide. But John doesn't like the idea of putting her at risk.

To persuade him she argues, "From the beginning we've been trying to convince ourselves that we're just like you. Now we've got a chance to prove it."

Eyeing her reluctantly, he resigns himself to the fact that he is likely going to lose her again. "All right. Let's go." He whispers.

 **.**

 **.**

John's team heads for the gate on foot and he sees their Jumper with the doubles in it being attacked by the Replicators. It takes fire and crashes behind a hill. But it gives them enough of a diversion to escape through the Stargate.

Once back in the gate room, John says with sad certainty, "No one else is coming."

He wonders, had the real Elizabeth been alone and afraid when she'd died? Would Shep and Rodney have built a new life? They are probably dead but he is going to imagine them living out their lives together, free of any danger or fear of court martial. In his mind, they are out there somewhere, happy and with each other.

Cursed by the memory of the kiss he witnessed and the knowledge that Elizabeth is gone forever, John knows he won't be able to sleep tonight. Every time he closes his eyes he sees that Jumper going down in smoke. He aches for a Rodney that might love him back, the way Rodney's double loved Shep.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney has been working on the data the duplicates delivered to them all night and into the early hours of the morning. It's one of the perks of the job. If something terrible happens, he doesn't have time to dwell on it - he's too busy trying to stop the next terrible thing from happening.

Seriously, if it weren't for the Replicators and their plot to wipe out every human being in the galaxy, he'd be falling apart right now. First Carson and now Elizabeth… Rodney's eyes flit back and forth across his computer screen as he fights to control his emotion. He swallows the lump in his throat. No, he's just not ready to deal. Not yet.

Burying himself back in the work, Rodney thinks of nothing else for a long time.

Sometime later Rodney hears John's voice over his shoulder, "How's it going?"

"It's all right." Rodney lies not looking up from his screen.

"Why don't you call it a night?" Something about the way John stands over his shoulder feels very protective.

"No. I, uh, want to finish this." Rodney takes a breath and furrows his brow looking to John, "What about you? Isn't it past your bedtime?"

"I approve the removal of her personal items tomorrow." John's voice is wooden and his eyes cast to the ground. "...have everything shipped back to Earth."

Seeing the lines of grief in John's face, Rodney nods in understanding.

"I would have done it sooner, but I actually thought we were going to…" John pushes his lips together the way he always does when he's upset and glances at Rodney, "bring her back"

"Yeah." Rodney croaks in commiseration, "Me too."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John's lips push together again and his face clouds with pain. Shifting the topic, he knits his brows in concentration. "Let me know when you get this thing working."

Then he pats Rodney on the back because he has to touch him, just for a moment. He has to feel some kind of connection before he turns to go.

"Will do." Rodney answers hoarsely.

The screen beeps, "Oh! Wait!", Rodney stops John from leaving,

The program he's written using the data from their doubles is working, showing the location of Replicator ships in the galaxy. John is happy to have an excuse to return to Rodney's side and watches him type out commands. At first the screen lights up with a handful of ships. But then there are more. A lot more.

"Well, at least I don't have time to fall apart." Rodney says with a wince.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Ronon has noticed that John has slipped back into his old habits. He has no interest in visiting Mackenzie's planet anymore; he is looking too thin, with dark circles under his eyes. Ronon has barely seen him the last few weeks. Off duty, John puts in a lot of solo time at the gym and says little to anyone.

He wishes John would talk to him but remembers what Teyla told him about people being hated and mistreated for loving a person of the same gender. He won't push him, but Ronon wishes this wasn't something John felt he had to bear alone.

If John doesn't want to visit Mackenzie's planet anymore Ronon will have to figure out something else to lure him away from his misery. This has been going on for too long. 9, 10 months, at least.

Trying to figure out the timing of it all, Ronon's best guess is that if the two of them dated before Atlantis, that would mean John picked Rodney to be on his team after they'd been lovers. Which could mean that this whole unrequited love thing could have been going on for years before Ronon found out anything about it.

John really does seem to be hung up on McKay, like his heart can't be resigned to the idea of letting anyone else in. He'd said, Rodney was 'it' for him. During his sparring lessons with Rodney, Ronon hasn't gotten him to open up much. He'd been hoping to learn a bit more about the guy. For a man who talks so much, it is surprising how little McKay truly reveals.

Of course, Ronon and McKay are very different, so he doesn't fault himself on the lack of bonding. He cares about Rodney and has come to feel a kind of closeness with him after all this time being on a team together. But Ronon doesn't imagine he'll ever feel close to Rodney the way he does with John. When John will let him in, that is.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John has spent a lot of time obsessing about things since he saw Shep kiss Rodney's double. The other Rodney –the copy- would have been _HIS_ Rodney about a year and a half ago. He can't stop thinking about everything that's happened, when it happened, and whether it really means anything about how Rodney might have once felt about him.

He mulls over the things that happened before the Replicators probed their minds and had the information to copy them. Due to the influence of Lucius's herb, he and Rodney had given each other massages. While under the influence of the Wraith enzyme, Rodney had given John a blowjob. And when they had gotten so close again that John found it almost impossible to resist his attraction to Rodney, well, that's when Rodney had gotten so angry he accused John of not having a heart. He deserved it of course, John knows he's a mess.

Long before any of that, back when Rodney really did have some kind of interest in him, he'd tried to kiss John. John had freaked out on him and rejected him cruelly. He'd rejected Rodney and then slept with Chaya… Then freaked out again and pushed Rodney into a wall. Fuck. He hates himself.

The thought that Rodney, the version that existed a year and a half ago, might have still kissed him with such abandon - _even after John's heartless rejection_ \- well, it's driving him mad. Had Rodney still cared for him in some way? Even after all that, if John had handled things differently at some point, would there have been a chance for them to be together again?

He wants to stop thinking about it because it's useless now. He wishes he could be someone else. Someone less damaged, less afraid of losing everything... someone that had been able to be with Rodney the way he really wants to. The way he wanted to then, but couldn't admit.

Despite it all, he feels closer to Rodney now than he's ever been to anyone. They've shared so much more with each other since the Replicators downloaded their consciousness. Maybe it started that night Rodney first held John in his arms, that night John told him about Lyle. ...Then came all those nights they spent together afterwards, finding excuses to be close to each other.

Or maybe it was just John who wanted to be closer? Once it was to late and he finally admitted to himself how in love he was with Rodney. John knows he's always been an emotional coward like that, only admitting his feelings once it's too late. And it was far too late by then. Wasn't it?

And Rodney is actually happy now like he deserves to be. Even though John feels like he is dying, it's probably what _he_ deserves. If only he'd come to his senses a little sooner, maybe it could have been different. He could have told Rodney he loved him. He should have been able to tell him that years ago. If he'd been less of a coward, if he was a person who knew anything about how to be close to someone else without hurting them...

Maybe none of it is the same anyway. Maybe that isn't how the real Rodney from a year and a half ago would have reacted. But John can't stop obsessing about it, too many of the variables are identical. He is sick with guilt over how he treated Rodney, sick with shame for loving another man, sick over his cowardice for pushing Rodney away when he had a chance. He is stuck in his own private hell; the emotional train wreck inside his head that will not stop.

He has to punch something, he needs to punch something now or he is going to scream.

John makes it to the gym and slaughters the punching bag. He throws himself into it until he is panting from exhaustion.

When he tries to sleep, Rodney is still there. The kiss is still there. Playing over and over inside his head. John finally gives in to the longing and pulls out his cock. When he cums, he is thinking about the way Rodney's body fluttered as Shep told him he loved him.

.

.

John listens as Rodney tries to tell the various ship commanders of his plan to deal with the Replicators by altering their nanite coding, going on in his typical long-winded fashion.

"Rodney." John tries to give him the cut-off signal.

Oblivious as usual, Rodney tells John he is not ready to take questions yet. Slumping back into his chair, John gives up. _'Okay Rodney, you're on your own.'_

He watches as Rodney's presentation is abruptly aborted by the commander of the Apollo.

"Well, you didn't let me finish my presentation." Rodney snaps in annoyance.

"I think I got the gist of it." Ellis tells Rodney curtly.

"Really?" Rodney looks livid.

"Rodney." John whispers from his chair, hoping he will take the hint and finally shut up.

Refusing to back down, Rodney points his finger at Ellis, "No, no, I'm just wondering when the Colonel here became a math and physics expert." Rodney turns his finger to point at himself.

John sighs into his hand as Ellis dresses Rodney down, "Doctor, you came into this meeting knowing that you had nothing, but instead of just saying that like a man, you thought that you'd dazzle us with a lot of fancy talk and think that we were too dumb to notice."

"So, now you're questioning my manhood?" Rodney spits angrily.

Sam puts her hands up and tells the entire room, "All right, that is enough!"

Rodney whines, "No, he just told-"

"Rodney," John interrupts, he can get through if he is direct enough, "move on."

Finally looking at John, Rodney takes a breath and stops.

 _'Atta boy, Rodney.'_

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.

While Rodney continues to experiment with the nanite cells, John heads out with the fleet and begins taking out Replicator ships using the new data they got from their duplicates. But when the Replicators regroup to their homeworld, they don't have enough firepower to take out the Replicator home planet, at least not without more ships. John might have an idea about that. If they released their Wraith prisoner, some of the Wraith might be willing to join the fight... Maybe he could get some of those space nomads to help too.

When John gets the update on Rodney's nanite work he is less than pleased that Rodney has created a full human looking machine rather than a simple nanite block, "This is not what we talked about Rodney!"

"Yeah, well." Rodney is apologetic, "I'm sorry, but the block idea didn't fly. This was the only way."

"Do you have any idea what kind of a security threat this is?" John demands.

"It's not as bad as you think." Rodney tries to soothe him, "I've stripped down its programming as much as I possibly could without sacrificing basic viability. It can walk, it can talk, but it can't replicate or change its form or anything."

Finally John lets it go, given all the strange twists and turns this endeavor has taken, "Well, we are teaming up with the Wraith, I guess it's that kind of a mission."

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.

* * *

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As Rodney goes over calculations back in the lab, his Replicator creation suggests some modifications to ensure the proper density to destroy the nanite cells. He realizes she is right; they won't reach the threshold with his existing model.

Back in the briefing room, Rodney tries to sell the new idea to Ellis and Caldwell, and their new 'allies' -those space nomads and the Wraith. He explains that by overloading the Replicator's ZPMs, they can create a chain reaction that would increase the density of the reprogrammed nanites and obliterate the entire planet.

"All this is based on information provided by a Replicator?" Ellis doubts Rodney's decision to consider input from the machine, "We have no reason to trust it."

"We're not trusting it," John speaks up, "we're trusting Rodney."

Rodney feels a flush of gratitude and loyalty. John trusts him. He remembers the incident at Doranda and how long it had taken to gain John's trust back. In fact, until now Rodney hadn't known John's trust in him was so complete. He hopes to God this works and he doesn't let John down again.

As Sam and the others coordinate what they think the best plan of attack will be for the various ships in this loose alliance. Rodney can't help but feel a bit anxious about the fact that his new plan necessitates that he'll have to beam down to the planet and gain access to the Replicator core room to input the changes himself. But he'll prove that John's trust in him isn't misplaced.

Once all the allies have agreed on the plan of attack Rodney feels more confident, instructing them, "while I'm working in the core room, we'll beam F.R.A.N. down to the city."

"Wait a minute," Ellis stops him, "F.R.A.N.?"

"It's a Friendly Replicator Android." Rodney self-consciously explains.

"I didn't realize we were naming things." John objects sarcastically.

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.

As the armada of varied ships heads out to the Replicator home world and begins its surprise attack, F.R.A.N. and Rodney's team are beamed to the surface. It doesn't take long for him to hack into the grid. He tells the fleet to hold on just a little longer while he finishes.

The ships are taking a beating but then Rodney's program begins to take effect. The Replicators firing on them start to dissolve and sink to the planet and it looks like they are going to make it. But then the power grid goes down before Rodney can trigger the ZPM overload. Quickly, he improvises and comes up with a brilliant solution to compensate… okay, well maybe Sam's input helps a little in coming up with a work-around.

"Son of a Bitch" Ellis swears over the radio, "he actually did it."

Rodney grins smugly. In the end he alone saved the day and destroyed the Replicators. Mostly. The others helped a little.

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* * *

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After enjoying a little harmless flirting with Laren on the nomad Traveler ship, John heads back to Atlantis to enjoy some good-natured flirting with Rodney. Rodney is always oblivious to it, so John indulges himself.

Walking over to the control room machines, he leans lazily with his arms over the console, gazing at Rodney with deep desire. Busy studying the computer screen, of course Rodney doesn't notice.

"How are our good friends, the Wraith?" John asks.

"Well, they never showed up at the rendezvous point."

"Hmm." John looks at the screen innocently, "Think they got caught in the explosion?"

"I doubt it." Rodney speculates, "guess they just figured that there was nothing left to talk about, so as soon as the planet blew up, we were back to being enemies."

"Hmm. Wraith back to being enemies. Replicators don't exist anymore." John leans fully into the console to face Rodney, "You out of your dry spell…"

"Hey!" Rodney gives a hurt expression.

"All is right with the world." John gives a winning smile without any tease to it, "What are you working on anyway?" He asks warmly.

"You'll be surprised to hear that removing a planet from the database is actually a lot of work."

"I thought you'd be pretty good at that by now." John's mouth lifts into a slight smile at the edges, thinking of Doranda.

"You just can't resist bringing up the fact that I once accidentally destroyed a couple of planets, can you?" Rodney's face flushes red at the reminder.

It's true; John can't resist the urge to tease Rodney whenever possible. "It was an entire solar system." He corrects with mock seriousness.

Still flustered, Rodney twists in his seat with annoyance, "You want to do the honors?"

Eyeing the button Rodney is gesturing to on the other side of the console, John decides it's best if he doesn't get too close. He just wants to kiss Rodney until there is no fluster left in him. He can't stop thinking about that kiss he saw between their duplicates, he wants to kiss Rodney like that so bad it hurts.

"No, go ahead." John keeps his voice even.

"All right. M7R-227, you were a constant pain in the ass. It's good to see you go." Rodney speaks as if he is giving a eulogy, then strikes the computer key decisively.

John watches the image disappear from the screen still fantasizing about kissing Rodney when he realizes Rodney has just asked him if he wants to grab a late dinner.

Thrilled that Rodney has opted to stay up past Katie's bedtime, he jumps at the chance. "Absolutely."

"All right" Rodney finishes up some final keystrokes, as an afterthought he adds, "I would have loved to have seen Ellis' face when my plan worked. "He's such a tool."

Just to be contrary John quips, "I like him."

"You do?" Rodney falls for it as he usually does.

"Yeah." John continues, "Good guy, excellent judge of character."

"Oh, I see." Rodney groans, then laughs for a minute, "I see where you're going with that."

John joins in and lets himself laugh. He tries not to think about kissing Rodney - how everything changed in that moment. Everything changed when he felt what it would be like to have Rodney love him back. It feels so real, like he actually had Rodney with him for a moment before he lost him again. For a moment.

He feels his mask start to slip, the despair starting to bleed through. To hide it, he forces himself to smile a little wider. The Replicators are gone. Rodney's happy. All is right with the world. Almost.

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.


	62. Why is John in love with this guy again?

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Trying to think of ways to draw John out, Ronon thought for sure surfing on the mainland would peak his interest. But he's grown distant and hard to reach, insisting everything is fine when asked. Over the last few weeks, the best Ronon's been able to get from John is running a few laps here and there. But he'll take what he can get.

It's like he's in the same limbo John is; everything is just... wrong, and Ronon doesn't feel like himself these days either. He can't imagine any reason for John keeping quiet about it all, other than his fear of Ronon's rejection. It's so frustrating, he just wants to shake John, tell him he knows, and doesn't fucking care.

Ronon even breaks down again and tries to talk to Teyla about it. He wishes he could say more without betraying John's secret. Teyla is kind but doesn't have any new ideas other than trying to talk to John. Yeah. Right. Tried that.

He misses his friend; John is his go to guy and things feel absent without him. Sometimes Ronon hangs out with Lorne and his team. After he and Lorne had gone out drinking in Scotland, they've gotten a lot friendlier. Still, it isn't the same.

Other than John, Teyla is probably Ronon's closest friend; she's always been a lot of fun to fight with. But Teyla has just confessed she is pregnant, so that puts fighting off the table. Now she's always bugging Ronon to meditate with her and he is just about bored enough to take her up on it.

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Ronon is getting more grumpy and restless by the hour. Since they found the abandoned Wraith ship it has proven difficult for Rodney to crack. John thought that their old Wraith 'ally' activated the transponder signal as a kind of distress call. But when they arrived, all they found was a ship damaged by recent battle; the Hive is empty, no one left alive, just a few Wraith bodies laying around.

So far all Rodney's been able to do is get the engines online.

Ronon leans onto one of the consoles and a view screen suddenly springs to life. _"Hmm. Well, that's something, at least more than McKay's been able to activate.'_

"What did you do?" Rodney spins around in suspicion.

"Nothing." Ronon backs away. He knows how fussy Rodney gets about people touching machines he's working on.

"You touched something, didn't you?" Rodney accuses.

"No…" Ronon mumbles, "Maybe just a little."

Lorne steps up to the screen, "What is it?"

"Looks like a map." Ronon joins them for a closer look.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Rodney snipes at him, "Of course, it's a map. The question is a map of what."

Ronon blinks at Rodney in irritation. Sometimes he just can't believe that John is in love with this guy.

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.

When John and Teyla join them in the control center, Rodney explains the difficulty he's having in getting the ship operational. Like other Wraith ships it seems controlled by mental interface; like the systems in Atlantis, keyed for those with the correct genetic sequence.

"I figured out where the ship was headed before it was attacked." Rodney adds.

"WE..." Ronon gives McKay a disgruntled look, "figured it out." _He_ was the one who bumped into the console and gave them their only clue so far; Rodney always has to take credit for everything.

"Yeah, right." Rodney scoffs, "All you did was activate a screen. I'm the one who searched through the ship's log and found the mention of the top-secret Wraith outpost."

"What Wraith outpost?" John asks, unimpressed.

"I'm sorry," Rodney is sarcastic, "I assumed a level of uncertainty was implied by my use of the phrase 'top-secret".

"In other words," Ronon confides to John, "he doesn't know."

After some more bickering, Teyla is able to activate the ship with her mind. Looks like Rodney was right, the Wraith DNA in her system allowed her access. More than that, her pregnancy seems to be enhancing her Wraith abilities and control. She convinces John that they should head to the secret outpost immediately; the Hive that attacked this ship already has a head start on them.

When they arrive at the coordinates, Rodney picks up high energy readings from the planet as well as a Hive ship in orbit. Keeping their decrepit vessel out of range, Ronon, John, and Rodney take a cloaked Jumper down for a closer look. On the surface they discover a massive Wraith facility, the corridors are endless and yawn out in front of them.

"Don't worry," Rodney tells John, "I've got an excellent sense of direction."

Keeping his gun pointed straight ahead, John asks, "Didn't you say you got lost in a garden maze once?"

"I was 10!" Rodney exclaims, "Plus, I was running from a bee."

Sometimes Ronon really can't believe that John is in love with this guy.

They press on and find a room with a sleeping Wraith Queen covered in biotic coils.

"What the hell is this?" John mutters.

"It's a queen." McKay answers.

"Nice work, Sherlock," John whispers, "but what's she doing?"

"I have no idea."Rodney makes a face of disgust.

"Sheppard." Ronon gestures toward an adjacent area filled with cocoons in various stages of development.

But hearing a sound, he soon stops their inspection short, "Hey we got company!" he whispers abruptly, "Go! Go! Move!"

As they move to conceal themselves in a side chamber, Rodney tucks in behind John and Ronon steps behind Rodney. But he notices Rodney is standing out too far, still within the line of sight. Ronon finds himself protectively pulling Rodney back to keep him safe.

It's weird, but he knows how protective John is of Rodney… somehow it makes Ronon overly protective too.

From their hiding place, they witness a newly formed Wraith being pulled from one of the cocoons. It's one of the most hideous things Ronon has ever seen.

"Well," Rodney murmurs, "I'm definitely going to have nightmares about that."

Exploring more of the facility, they determine it must be some kind of Wraith farm. As they continue, one of the small chambers empties into a vast open space. There must be thousands... hundreds of thousands of them waiting to hatch from cocoons.

Rodney finds a console and hacks into the internal schematics; the facility is miles in diameter. Something like this could produce millions. John is determined to destroy the place before it can hatch it's new Wraith army. So the three of them set out to find the power source of the operation and shut it down.

Instead they find their old Wraith 'ally' in a holding cell. Shooting the guards nearby, they free him to get some answers.

"Sheppard." The creature growls appreciatively, "How did you find me?"

"We followed them." John answers, looking dispassionately at the dead Wraith on the ground.

"You picked up my signal." The Wraith continues, "I wasn't sure you would come."

"What are friends for?" John eyes the thing with suspicion, "Now, tell us everything you know or you're going to join your two friends on the floor."

As they leave the holding cells behind, the treacherous Wraith explains that this cloning facility is powered using ZPMs he stole from the Replicator homeworld before it was destroyed. That is what is allowing them to produce so many. To make himself valuable to them, and probably to keep Ronon from killing him on the spot, he offers to lead them to the ZPMs. But before they reach their destination an alarm begins to sound.

"They have discovered my absence!" The thing exclaims.

A firefight suddenly erupts and Ronon feels himself being hit by a Wraith stunner. He struggles to stay conscious but another shot takes him out completely.

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* * *

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Rodney wakes on a hard floor and tries to sit up. John is leaning nearby with his hand on his neck. Rodney can't believe he's thinking about anything other than imminent death right now... but John looks incredibly sexy half sitting, half laying down against that uneven mound coming out from the wall. Something about it is seductive and Rodney must be delirious for finding anything in this predicament alluring. But John always manages to be... never mind. God. Rodney blinks and tries to clear his head.

Noticing Ronon is alert, he complains. "How come I'm always the last one to wake up?"

No one answers him.

Looking around the holding cell he notices that their 'ally' isn't with them, "Hey, where's Todd?" referring to the nickname John has given the Wraith.

"He escaped." John keeps leaning in his sexy repose.

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Rodney wonders aloud, "He'll come back for us. I mean, after all, we saved him."

"Something tells me we're on our own with this one." John answers with a lazy bedroom look.

"Something tells me it's not going to matter." Ronon is peering out of the cell at a group of approaching Wraith.

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* * *

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John and the others are taken to the Queen and presented to her. She glides over to John and uses her powerful mind control to make him kneel.

The Queen orders her men to search the area for a ship in orbit, then curls a finger around John's face, "In the meantime, I have a few questions that need to be answered. How were you able to find this place?"

Saying nothing, John's face shakes in concentration.

"I don't believe that I have ever encountered such resistance from a human before." The Queen seems stunned.

His face contorts and John spasms under her touch, "I've had a lot of... practice."

"Well," the Queen murmurs, "There is a simpler way."

John keeps his resolve. He is not afraid to die.

The Queen's voice takes on a cold fury at being denied access to his mind, "Tell me what I want to know."

She reaches her arm out toward Ronon and Rodney, "or I feed on one of your friends."

Of course. John's stomach drops. That would be the way to get to him. She must have sensed it while attempting to probe his mind. Tremors shake his body as John tries to keep himself from breaking.

"As you wish." The Queen snarls.

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* * *

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Ronon looks over to Rodney. A Wraith is clenching his neck; he looks scared and vulnerable and Ronon is overcome by the instinctive desire to protect him.

Despite being held in place by two Wraith guards, he struggles to step forward, "If you're hungry, I'm the one you're looking for."

But the Queen seems to know John's mind and reaches her hand out for Rodney instead, "This one."

"Oh great." Rodney winces, "My entire life, I've never been chosen first… Arggh" he cries out in pain as he is forced to the floor, finishing his final complaint, "and now fate decides to restore the balance."

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* * *

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John knows he'll break before he lets anything happen to Rodney. As long as John's still alive, he'll do anything to buy Rodney more time, anything to give him a chance to survive, however slim. He shouldn't let the mission be affected by his feelings for Rodney. That is the danger with having feelings. The fact that he can't just shut them off anymore is proof that his command has been compromised. Until this moment, he hadn't realized by just how much.

The Queen looks back knowingly to John, as if to say, _'You're not about to let this happen are you'?_

Lunging toward her, John hopes he can provoke her into attacking him instead. But she doesn't take the bait. To show she is serious, she pulls her hand up dramatically to feed on Rodney. John bites his lip and then opens his mouth. He is about to say something to stop her, it's got to be something she'll believe, something to buy them time without putting Teyla and the others at risk. But before the sound escapes his lips, she fumbles and drops her hand, looking around the room as if confused.

The Queen isn't exerting her mind control anymore but John is still shaking. He still can't breathe. _'What can he say to keep her away from Rodney?'_

Inexplicably, the Queen suddenly orders them to be taken back to the cell.

Looking at Rodney in relief, John's body finally relaxes.

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When the three of them get back to the cell, they try to make sense of what just happened and why the hell they are still alive. Their discussion comes to an abrupt halt when the Wraith Queen appears, killing one of her own guards and opening the cell door.

She returns their weapons to them, saying. "It's me, John."

"Teyla." John stares in shock.

"Yes" the Queen/Teyla says weakly. She tells them to hurry, Teyla can't continue to exert control over the Queen's mind and body.

John quickly shoots the Queen; they still have to find those ZPM's and keep this super army from hatching.

But again the alarm goes off and they are barely able to shoot their way free to reach the Jumper. Once in range of the damaged Hive ship, Teyla comes over the coms to tell them they are being attacked. The failing vessel isn't going to be able to last long. There's only one option left to them now. Piloting the Jumper into the Hive ship, he tells Teyla to set a new course.

From the safety of the cloaked Jumper, their Wraith ship makes the descent straight into the cloning facility and takes it out.

It seems 'Todd' made it out safely. Apparently he wasn't completely useless; he flew a Dart back to Teyla and the others and helped out a bit before disappearing.

"Well," Rodney looks wearily at John, "I think that should probably do the trick." referring to the fiery explosion below.

Feeling angry at himself for almost losing Rodney and angry about how close he came to losing control of his emotions earlier, all John can say is, "Let's get out of here."

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* * *

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They've only been back on Atlantis a few days when Ronon confronts John. He told himself he wouldn't, but he can't stop himself.

"When are you going to stop avoiding me?"

"What do you mean?" John gives him a blank look.

"Enough of this bullshit, just tell me what's going on."

"Right." John shifts his eyes away.

"I thought we were past this?" Ronon resists the urge to shake him.

"Obviously not." John's shoulders droop.

"So," Ronon treads carefully, "you still feel the same way…?"

"Worse." John closes his eyes.

"Worse?" Ronon scowls.

John rubs his brow then drops his hand in silent defeat.

"You gotta say something, do something. It can't be worse than this."

"Yes. It can be. " John looks at Ronon, his eyes clouded with pain, "Worse."

"What've you got to lose?" Ronon asks but he guesses he knows the answer already.

"I'm not what she wants, do you understand?" John's eyes flicker with something unreadable. He presses his lips together in a tight line before saying, "She wants to get married and… and I'm not her type."

"How can you not be her type if you guys used to be together?"

"It wasn't like that." John winces, "It was just something that happened."

Ronon hopes he isn't going too far, "So, it was a one time thing?"

It looks like John is struggling to figure out the right answer.

 _'Come on. Just tell me the truth, John'._

"No, it was…" John's voice is low, "a couple of weeks… but I fucked it up, can't go back now."

In frustration, Ronon asks, "Why not?"

"I fucked it up, okay?" John gives a stoic glare.

"It can't be that bad if you guys are still friends." Ronon isn't quite buying it.

"Well, obviously not." John smiles bitterly, "But I don't want to lose what I still have."

"This isn't you, John" Ronon argues, "You aren't… I mean you don't look good… You aren't yourself."

"But this _is_ me Ronon." John lifts his eyes defiantly, "That's the problem… Don't you think I'd change it if I could!?"

 _'Shit.'_ Ronon feels guilty. He hadn't meant to imply… "All I mean John, is that you should love whoever you want to love, but don't kill yourself over it. That's the part you need to do something about."

His face screwed up with emotion, John's voice cracks as he speaks, "I would change if I could."

This is the most honest John's been with him so far. It's a start.

"Well, maybe that's the problem." Ronon speaks carefully, "What if you… didn't try to change? If you just let yourself be. Maybe, that would bring you… some kind of peace."

"Yeah." John is pensive for a moment, "The problem with that is reality."

"It kinda seems like you're battling something inside yourself." Ronon gives John a long look, "Maybe more than what's on the outside... out there in reality... the real world or whatever."

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* * *

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John looks up at Ronon, surprised by the truth of what he is saying, "Yeah. You're right." He wonders how Ronon can sense that.

"Okay then," Ronon nods, "so then you've got to stop fighting yourself. Let go of the battle."

"Then I'll lose." John sighs wearily.

"Lose what?" Ronon asks.

"Me. Or my..." John thinks about it, "my control. My... self, who I think I am or... I don't know. Maybe everything?"

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* * *

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Ronon struggles to find the right words, "Maybe it wouldn't really be losing. If your fighting yourself, you're fighting two battles. There's reality... but this thing with yourself... it's like an enemy that doesn't really exist. Maybe _that_ part, that part of it you could let go… see what's on the other side? Maybe it's not what you think it is."

The look on John's face is tortured, and Ronon tries to reassure him, "If you do let go, you won't lose everything. You'll still have me. Promise. No matter what's on the other side, even if..." He shrugs, "I dunno, if you became someone totally different, as far as you and me go, nothing would ever change."

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* * *

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The wind unexpectedly goes out of John's lungs as Ronon squeezes him in his gruff, affectionate way, clasping John into one of his burly hugs.

He wasn't expecting human contact and John's first instinct is to bolt. But he can't help but be affected by Ronon's genuine concern and lets himself sag into the embrace.

If Ronon really knew what John was talking about, he would hate him.

 _'Fuck.'_ If he doesn't leave now, John's afraid he's going to lose it and tear up. He pats Ronon's back in a way that lets him know he's ready to stop, with the hugging and all.

"Thanks." John chokes on the word and Ronon finally lets go. "I'll think about it," John mumbles on his way out, "what you said I mean. I just, ah, have to get going."

 _'The other side.'_ Ronon made it sound like it's an actual place. But the thought of letting go... it seems more like dissolving into nothing. Nothingness... and none of it makes sense. It's not like there's something tangible that he's trying to hold onto. It just feels like he's slipping into madness and there is nothing to break the fall.

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	63. In desperation, John turns to Ronan

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Rodney's just called it quits on their video golf game but John thinks it's still early days, "Come on, dude, one more round."

"Nope, I can't." Rodney chirps.

Hoping to keep him in the lab a bit longer, John offers a compromise , "We don't have to do 18. We can do 9, easy course, par 3."

"No." Rodney is resolute, "Katie's expecting me."

 _'Katie again'_ John winces internally; he looks back to the screen and can't help hating this woman he barely knows.

"Well, be late." John is irreverant, "Women _like_ it when guys are late."

"No they don't," Rodney refutes John's bad humor, "and I can't be late. Not for this lunch."

"Why's that?" John wonders what's so important about this particular lunch.

"Can you keep a secret?" Rodney's voice bubbles.

"No." He doesn't want to hear the details of some sordid sexual escapade with Katie.

Undeterred, Rodney shimmies up to John with a giant smile on his face "Right." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out…

 _'Oh my God.'_ John feels cold and sick, like his chest is caving in all at once. Rodney is opening the kind of box that usually holds a ring.

His stomach lurches. It _is_ a ring.

"I... I got this on my last trip to Earth." Rodney beams.

He thinks back. That time Jeannie got kidnapped... that would be the last time Rodney was on Earth.

Has he really been planning it this long? Rodney hands him the box as if John will want a closer look; he tries to keep his hands steady as he holds it. Shit, he's going to have to say something. Rodney will be expecting words of encouragement. John presses his mouth together and bites hard on his lower lip to get rid of the tightness closing around his throat.

"I feel it's time that Katie and I move the relationship to the next level," Rodney is ebullient, "So..."

Letting go of his lower lip, John can't stop himself from making a crack, "Second base?"

"No, marriage." Rodney is completely serious.

"Really?" John's voice betrays his sheer disbelief.

This can't be happening. He knew Rodney wanted this, eventually. But he's too unprepared for this sudden loss.

"Yes." Rodney answers proudly.

"You?" Somehow John feels cold and hot at the same time; nauseas and heavy, like he's falling through the floor.

Rodney seems perplexed by John's reaction.

"Married?" John wrinkles his face in disgust.

"What, you don't think I'm ready?" Rodney starts to sound unsure of himself, "You think I'm rushing things?"

Opening his mouth, it feels too dry; John tries to find a way to say something nice, but only manages to sound defensive, "I didn't say that."

"Well, I'm not." Rodney tumbles over the words. Adding, "I'm not ready to set a date or anything, but…"

John stares at the ring in horror. It is truly hideous; a very plain looking band with a tiny speckle in the middle.

"Is this a diamond?" John wonders.

"Yeah," Rodney sounds glad that John is finally taking notice, "it's an eighth of a karat actually. Conflict free, and I got a good deal, actually."

"I'm sure you did." John's voice comes out husky and sad.

Remembering that Rodney had been shopping for his sister's car at the same time, John supposes that explains the lackluster ring. Somewhat. God, why is he still holding this wretched thing? He can't stop himself from grimacing.

"All right, so, here I go." Rodney looks excited.

Closing the box to return it, John's face contorts briefly in pain; fortunately Rodney doesn't seem to notice as he tells him, "Well, I'll buy you a beer later, and we can celebrate."

John holds up an expression of congenial ambivalence, but his mask falters with the sudden sensation he's going to be sick.

Luckily, Rodney is looking wistfully into the distance, doubting himself, "Yeah, or drown my sorrows, should she say no."

"No, no. None of that." Turning to Rodney, John projects a degree of confidence despite the dull, lifeless cast to his eyes; as he says it, he already feels his brow weakening with fear.

Again, Rodney's attention has been lost in some kind of reverie. John uses the moment to wrestle control over his roiling emotions.

Forcing his eyebrows into a lift to conceal as much as he can, he urges Rodney, "Well, go get the girl."

Once Rodney walks out the door, John closes his eyes. Now that he's alone, he can finally release the mask of indifference; despair floods through him like a torrent as he squeezes his fingers around the keyboard, wanting to smash it to shards. But he can't, everything feels too heavy. He's sinking, sinking too deep. Nauseous, cold and shaking…

This is it. Rodney is really leaving him. Even though Rodney has never really been his, but the hope that one day it might be different is gone forever now.

Maybe he should resign. Atlantis is the only place that's ever really felt like home, but with Rodney getting married… nothing will be the same, he can't delude himself anymore. The ugly truth is a weight bearing down on his lungs, crushing him completely.

Suddenly Teyla walks into the lab and John braces himself to hide his feelings once more. He isn't really listening to her, but what ever she is saying is soon interrupted by the sound of an alarm.

As the door seals them in, John realizes it sounds an awful lot like the quarantine alarm

Glad that the keyboard is still intact, he types into the pad and determines that the quarantine alert is false. It looks like Atlantis has sealed almost everyone off in isolated sections of the city.

"You know, if Rodney can't get ahold of a computer, he's not going to be able to shut it down."

"Perhaps Dr. Zelenka or Colonel Carter can do it." Teyla suggests.

"Well, if they could've, they would've done it already." John is doubtful, given that they are likely sealed in as well, "They probably can't get ahold of one either."

"Well, can anyone do it?" Teyla sounds concerned.

"They'd have to know Rodney's password." John explains, "Fortunately", he adds, "I do."

"He told you his password?" Teyla looks at him wide-eyed.

"Well, he didn't think I'd remember it." John recalls, "Ah, 1, 6, 4, 3, 1, 8, 7, 9, 1, 9, 6, 8, 4, 2.

"See?" He gains access, "Doesn't take a genius."

"It doesn't?" Teyla gapes at him.

"1643 is the year Isaac Newton was born, 1879, Einstein, and 1968-"

"The year Rodney was born." Teyla guesses.

"Never underestimate the size of that man's ego." John smiles.

"Wait, weren't there other numbers?" she asks.

"42." John replies offhandedly

"And what is that?"

"It's the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything." He answers the obvious.

Giving him a bewildered look, Teyla doesn't inquire further and lets John work on the terminal.

He discovers that the city is broadcasting an automatic distress signal which could give away the location of Atlantis to the Wraith. It can only be turned off in the control room, and by someone with Rodney's code. So, John decides the only option left to him is to attempt to climb the sheer building exterior to reach the upper level.

Teyla wonders aloud if such a thing is even possible.

Thinking of Rodney's favorite superhero, he dismisses her concern, "Batman did it all the time. Piece of cake."

After scaling the impossible tower, John shuts off the beacon in the control room. But moments later, the city initiates a self-destruct; probably triggered by his breach of quarantine when he broke through the window.

He makes his way with some of the others through the halls that aren't closed off to them. To do a manual shut down, they need to make it to the power room. Only they can't get access all the way through. Then John remembers the control room operators told him they'd managed to re-open the ventilation shafts just before he accidentally triggered the auto-destruct.

Zelenka volunteers to try to squeeze through the airshafts to access the power room. He's probably the only one of them that could make the fit, so they help him up and hope for the best.

After a short but tense wait, Zelenka gets the power off and reboots the system.

That's when John's adrenaline finally powers down too. Everything is back to normal… and normal is bad.

Returning to his quarters, John paces, thinking about Rodney's proposal and wondering if he's happy now.

He tries a cold shower to stop the pounding in his head but it doesn't help. _'Damn it Rodney, I wanted...'_

Everything is still spinning, falling. The emptiness so overwhelming it's suffocating him; he can't breathe, can't remember the last time he felt this alone, this scared.

Maybe this is what a panic attack feels like. He can risk his life without breaking a sweat. But wanting Rodney, loving him and losing him, John feel small and helpless. The nausea returns with a sudden wakes of shakes... Fuck. He is completely breaking down physically and emotionally.

 _'Shit.'_ He has nothing left to lose. John steadies himself and heads out to Ronon's quarters. Ronon had said he wouldn't stop being his friend no matter what happened. John can only hope that's really true. He's fucking losing it and there is no one else he can turn to. His hand shakes as he rings the chime.

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* * *

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"Come in!" Ronon bellows.

He looks up and sees John stepping into the room. Something is wrong. Very wrong. By the look in John's eyes, Ronon thinks he knows what it is. Sitting up from his bed, Ronon gives John his full attention.

John walks in pacing and clenching his fists. He stalks over to the couch, grabs a pillow to his face and screams into it.

Ronon's never seen John like this, coming undone so completely. Usually he hides his feelings well.

Dropping the pillow, John suddenly charges at the wall, punching into it remorselessly; then his hand recoils in pain and John holds it back for a moment.

But then he is at it again. Not letting the pain stop him, John launches another attack at the wall.

"Whoa, easy, easy." Ronon strides over to him.

Before Ronon has to restrain him, John collapses, slumping down against the wall as he stares at his red knuckles.

"I guess that was stupid."

"Yeah." Ronon's brow creases.

"I'm… You said…" John drops his face into his battered hands, "I didn't know where else to go." he croaks.

To show his solidarity, Ronon sits on the floor next him, "John, I told you, you could come to me… about anything."

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* * *

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"I… this isn't… I can't take..." John tries to talk through his clenched throat, but he's too afraid.

There is so much he's afraid of… So much he's never admitted to anyone.

Only Rodney knows he's... whatever he is. But he can't exactly tell Rodney his marriage sucks, that John can't stand his stupid dreams of domestic bliss because they don't include him.

"I shouldn't have come." John tries to stand. This was a bad idea. He shouldn't have come here. He can't admit this to anyone, not even Ronon.

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* * *

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Placing a firm hand on his shoulder, Ronon pushes John back into place.

"Sit." He meets John's eyes and gives him a hard look, "Now talk."

A conflicting number of emotions seem to wash through John's face. Fear, anger, sadness, self-loathing.

"Please, talk?" Ronon softens his approach.

There is a look of unmistakable dread in John's eyes, as if he can't possibly say what he's thinking. His mouth hangs slack, but no words come, then his face crumples into an expression of grief.

Ronon knows, or thinks he knows, what this is about... and why John's afraid; he tries to think of something... something he can say that will make this easier, "I meant what I said John, nothing changes between you and me. I wish you'd trust me... I mean, I trust you and I'd like to think you could trust me too."

Mutely opening his mouth, John shakes his head as if Ronon is asking the impossible.

"I can try to help, but only if you talk to me." Ronon urges, "What you've been going through, you shouldn't be trying to do it alone."

"My problem… is not..." John squeezes his eyes together, keeping them shut while he tries to talk.

Waiting patiently, Ronon gives John some time to get the words out.

"I… the person I love… is a… is…" John's voice tenses, he lowers his head back into his hands in what looks like shame, "Sorry, can't."

"Come on," Ronon rumbles his voice in a low purr, "You're almost there, you can make it to the other side of this."

John's body shudders and he speaks into his hands, "Fine. The person I love is… it uh... uh, it's Rodney."

 _'Finally.'_ Ronon exhales heavily.

Looking fearful and defensive, John whips his head back up to face Ronon.

"Yeah, I know. I mean I've just been waiting for you to tell me." Ronon explains cautiously

"What do you mean, you KNOW." John's eyes widen, "How? Is it because-"

"I only know 'cause I saw you holding McKay. He was crying when we were back in Scotland. And I could just tell... you know, that you really loved him."

"It's not because… Would you know if you hadn't seen us?" John looks cornered.

Projecting warmth from his eyes, Ronon shakes his head definitively in response.

"Wait, so…" John's expression keeps shifting, like he doesn't know how to interpret this new information, "This whole time?... You..."

Ronon nods.

"So," John looks confused, "you mean, you always knew what I was really talking about?"

Again he nods.

"We've been on missions together and…" John looks dumbfounded, "Then what you said about things not changing, you meant it?"

"Of course I did." Ronon answers low and soft.

"What you said…" John's astonishment becomes more emotional, "that's... that was a really nice thing to say." He lets his face fall back into his hands; but this time he seems more relieved than ashamed.

"I meant it." Ronon reaches out a sturdy hand and grasps John's upper arm. "It's okay, buddy."

At first John flinches and lets out a stifled half-sob.

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* * *

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John lifts his arm, the one Ronon is holding, flailing momentarily before reaching back and grasping his friend's in return.

Composing himself, he gives Ronon a few pats. He's grateful he managed not to break down completely and cry. Ronon's acceptance was just so unexpected.

Letting go of Ronon's arm, his friend does the same.

When he looks up again, Ronon is grinning easily at him, asking, "So, we can talk for real now?"

"Sure," John presses his lips together with a secretive nod, "we can talk for real. –But, Ronon you can't ever tell anyone about this. Things would change for me. I'd lose my position here at Atlantis. With other people... it would be a problem."

"I'd never tell anyone but," Ronon shakes his head angrily, 'I just can't understand why it is."

"Back where I come from," John isn't sure how to explain, "it's kind of a big deal. In a bad way. You aren't actually allowed to join the military if you have these kinds of feelings for another guy."

"On Sateda some of the best soldiers I served with had feelings for guys. I can't figure out why people here would have a problem with that."

"Well, they do." John looks at Ronon like he's lost his mind.

"No one could make me talk about it." Ronon promises solemnly, "Not on pain of death."

"Guess you were right. It feels… better. Being able to tell someone the truth." John is still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Ronon doesn't hate him.

Ronon smiles knowingly, like he's been waiting for this a long time.

"I mean," John continues, "I'm still pretty fucked up over the whole wedding thing."

"Wedding?"

"Yeah, he's getting married… to Katie" John says her name like it's dirty. "He pulled out the ring to show it off to me and... I guess, get my blessing."

"Ring?" Ronon is still not following.

"Back on Earth, it's a tradition to give a ring when you ask someone to marry you." John explains.

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* * *

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"Does he know how you feel?" Ronon frowns, thinking it sounds cruel of Rodney to taunt John this way.

"No," John shakes his head, "and I want to keep it that way. Look, there was a time when he may have felt something for me too... but I was... callus with him, pushed him away." John winces his eyes closed for a moment, "I mean, the way I rejected him, it was... I really regret how I acted. It's hard to explain everything that's happened, but I was careless... too often. I should have been sensitive with his feelings but...

Over time Rodney pulled away and, ah, moved on. I don't blame him. I _want_ him to be happy. I just hate it, because... I wish I had another chance to be the one making him happy. I'd be a better person now," John sighs, "I think I would be."

Leaning back with his head against the wall, John exhales, "Wow. I can't believe how good it feels to be able to tell someone about this. I've been going crazy."

"I know." Ronon nods in ready agreement.

"You just think you know everything." John smirks.

"Well, there's something you don't know." Ronon gives him a sly smile.

"Oh yeah?" John asks playfully. "And what's that?"

"I almost, "Ronon fixes his gaze on John, "kissed Jennifer -Dr. Keller today."

"Almost?" John raises his eyebrows.

"Well, during the quarantine she and I were both stuck in the infirmary. At first, we weren't getting along. Just... we're kinda different." Ronon chuckles, "When she told me she'd never met someone with such reckless aggression, I thought she was complimenting me. But I guess she wasn't. Honestly, I used to think she was kind of annoying… but after spending some time with her," Ronon shrugs, "she's kind of endearing."

"That sounds familiar." John laughs.

"Yeah. Guess I can see that." Ronon thinks for minute, "Annoying at first but sexy underneath. There was this moment where Jennifer turned to me and said we should do something to pass the time...other than attack the doors." Ronon raises his brows at John," So, I thought she meant… you know?

And it's been a long time really, since I've thought about someone... Not just sex, but like I could imagine having feelings for someone other than Allina that way."

"Yeah." John sounds like he understands.

"She actually kinda reminds me of Allina a little, and they're both doctors. Allina was tough, but she had this real caring side. I arranged for her to leave Sateda safely but she chose to stay behind and tend to the wounded."

"That's what I like about Rodney, too."

"What?" Ronon frowns in confusion, "that he's a doctor?" He knows people refer to Rodney this way, even though he doesn't know anything about medicine; but still, it doesn't make sense to him that when people from Earth study something for a long time they get called 'doctors' too.

"No." John's eyes get soft, "His kind and caring side. Well, I like his other sides too but-"

"McKay?" Ronon interrupts in disbelief at what he is hearing, "A kind and caring side?"

"Yeah. He's not missing any…" John's mouth turns up in a fragile smile, "He's not… missing a heart. He's the kindest, I mean, more than I've deserved. See, you just have to get through his bubble."

"Don't think I've ever seen that side of him."

"There's a lot to Rodney most people don't get to see."

"Hmm." Ronon imagines that's probably true about a lot of people, "Guess it's easy to misjudge sometimes. Like, with Jennifer, I had her all wrong. When she first came to Atlantis, I didn't think she was strong enough, thought she was too easily frightened.

But when she and I were trapped in medical, she blew up this tank by sawing the top off... she challenged herself to do something dangerous even if it wasn't easy for her. Something about that is even more brave." When Ronon sees the expression on John's face he adds, "Yeah, I guess that sounds a little bit like Rodney too. He actually pushes himself pretty hard. Do you think it's 'cause of you?"

John makes a dismissive face.

"Well, before you picked him to be on the team, was he running around with a gun and risking his life all the time?" Ronon wonders.

"Probably not." John shrugs.

"I'm not sure," Ronon leans forward, "but I just, I think he might love you too."

"I know he doesn't," John's face twists up in pain, "and I know him better than you. So, let's not go there. Tell me more about Jennifer, tell me more about this 'almost kiss'."

"Well," Ronon gets a glint in his eye as he remembers, "first she put her head on my shoulder, I leaned in to smell her hair. She looked up at me with those huge eyes... and then we both pulled in for the kiss. We both wanted it so bad, I could feel it…

"Ahhh, I was this close" Ronon holds his fingers a sliver apart. "And then the quarantine lifted and we never got there."

"Well," John smiles "maybe you still _can_."

"Yeah, maybe. I dunno." Ronon grins back, "There's something about her. She's special. I mean she's really, really smart. She told me she had a hard time missing out on a personal life, 'cause she advanced so fast in school, skipping grades and stuff. And I felt bad, realizing she's felt like such an outsider all this time. I wished I'd done more to make her feel welcome when she came to Atlantis."

After a moment, John speaks up again, "She and Rodney sound a lot alike, actually. The whole skipping grades thing, not knowing how to fit in with people and feeling left out. They have that in common."

"Maybe it's because they're so opposite from us, maybe that's part of what draws us in?"

A shrug is his only reply, but at least John's spirits seemed to have lifted; Ronon thinks getting him something to eat might do him good, "You know?... Maybe we should grab some dinner."

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* * *

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"Yeah." John realizes that he's feeling immensely better and is pretty hungry right about now, "We totally should."

Down in the cafeteria, he and Ronon laugh about all the weird stories of the day, like Colonel Carter being stuck in that elevator with Zelenka for hours.

"Did you hear?" Ronon asks with amusement, "McKay thought it was a real outbreak. He even started getting sick, thought he was-" Ronon stops talking and lifts his feet off the nearby chair as he notices Jennifer approaching their table.

John realizes she's never tried to join them for a meal before. Maybe Ronon isn't so far off from making that 'almost kiss' happen.

"Hi" Jennifer speaks meekly, "You mind if I join you?"

John points to the chair recently emptied by Ronon's feet. "Sure. Go Ahead."

He gives Ronon a knowing look and lifts his eyebrows speculatively.

"What?" Ronon challenges John with a look that says _'Shut up'_

"Nothing" John feigns innocence.

Ronon makes a surly face at him, but John knows everything is right between them .

He feels so much lighter with the weight of the secret gone and it's a relief to feel like it's no longer a wedge driving the two of them apart. He doesn't feel quite so alone now, not with Ronon on his side.

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	64. Sometimes he makes me cry too

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John is more than a little confused when Rodney begs to join him on a routine trading mission to Larros, saying how much he's missed the attractive women there. As the two of them get geared up and head to a Jumper, he shrugs it off; Rodney must just be getting cold feet about the wedding.

But then on the ride there, it all comes out. Rodney begins to explain that he and Katie are taking an 'unspecified break'. John is stunned as he listens to the story. Apparently, before the quarantine hit, Rodney went so far as to get the ring out and tell Katie he was planning to propose. And then he chickened out completely.

Sounds like the death knell for any relationship to him. He doesn't want to get his hopes up too much; he knows Rodney wants to be with a woman, obviously. But there might just be the slimmest chance in hell now... and he can't help but feel a little excited.

Rodney is morose, blaming himself and his inadequacies. He tells John that he was deluding himself, thinking he was good enough for her. He says he has too many flaws and Katie would have eventually seen through him.

"I mean, maybe you were right." Rodney's mouth twists into a frown on one side, "Maybe I was rushing things."

John clears his throat, "I don't think I actually said-"

"I –I just don't think I'm prepared to be the kind of person Katie needs me to be. I'd just make her miserable by failing to live up to what she wants from me."

"Why do you need to be someone different?" John tries to sound calm but is feeling more elated by the minute.

"Well, on occasion I can be negative-"

"What, 'cause you're grumpy and pessimistic? Doesn't seem that bad."

"And demanding, and a tad arrogant. Let's face it, I'm a failure as a human being and I haven't come far enough-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Failure? I don't know Rodney. I think you are kind of… perfect the way you are. Maybe you'd be better off being with someone who appreciates that."

"Easier said than done." Rodney sighs dramatically. "Ah, well. At least I still have Larros. You know, this is my favorite planet to visit. All those lovely ladies of the court, the Princesses with their ample bosoms."

"Ample bosoms?" John smirks.

"Please, don't pretend you haven't noticed. Why else would you volunteer to come here for every visit?"

"Well, I am the military command-"

"Whatever." Rodney waves his hand dismissively, then breaks into a sudden fit of laughter. "Oh. I was remembering the first time we all came here-"

"And you got drunk off your face?" John prompts. Rodney isn't known for holding his liquor.

"Not drunk, more- Um, yeah, okay a bit drunk. Actually, you know it's a good thing we were all sitting down at that banquet table because, if I'd had to stand up," Rodney gives John a guilty look. "Well, it might have reflected poorly on our diplomatic mission, if you know what I mean."

"No, I don't. What do you mean?" John grimaces at Rodney, "Is this another one of your bedwetting stories?"

"Wha-? NO! That happened one ti- I mean, that _never_ happened." Rodney straightens up in his seat, "I was talking about a perfectly natural reaction to a roomful of beautiful women."

"McKaaaay" John makes a face of distaste, "Am I going to regret letting you come?"

"Of course not", Rodney replies in a dignified tone, "I am nothing, if not professional."

"Just promise me you'll keep it in your... –just behave yourself, okay?"

Rodney gives a taunting look and moves his head from side to side as if considering the prospect; then he smiles playfully, "No promises."

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After a lengthy visit with the very lovely Princesses, they all make a toast to their renewed trading agreement. John has been keeping a close eye on Rodney's alcohol consumption. Rodney has downed a few glasses of wine already and his face is heavily flushed.

"My favorite missions are when we come here to do our trading." Rodney confesses to the women, "And I've said that, I can prove it. I'm not just saying-"

"You don't need to prove it." John cuts him off quickly, "Ah, you know, actually we got to be going."

The comely princesses seem disappointed. "So soon?" Princess Mardola asks.

"Yeah, so soon?" Rodney echoes the sentiment, taking another gulp of wine.

"We were hoping you could stay." Princess Flora says coyly.

Rodney's eyes widen in expectation.

"Well, I," John falters, "I guess we could stay a little longer."

It becomes clear that the women have an ulterior motive, but they skirt around the issue.

"What's the problem?" John finally asks.

"Our sister." Princess Flora tells them. "She is in great need of your help."

"I didn't even know you gals had a sister." Rodney points at the two women merrily.

"We do indeed." Flora smiles.

Tipping his wine glass at them, Rodney speculates, "And I imagine she's just as beautiful as you two."

"Even more so." Flora adds a dramatic pause, "And she is in great need of guidance."

"Guidance." Rodney jumps in, "That I can do."

"You are most generous." Flora looks relieved, "Excuse us for one moment. I'll go get her."

Rodney leans over to John, "Dibs."

"What?" John turns his attention from the woman leaving the chamber and back to Rodney.

"I'm calling dibs on the 3rd sister."

"You can't call dibs." John makes a face of annoyance at the thought of Rodney already interested in someone else that isn't him.

"Look," Rodney gestures with his wine glass, "we both know that Flora and Mardola have been suckered in by the whole cliché-heroic thing you've got going, but, ah, maybe this other sister, ah, maybe her taste in men will run more to the, ah-"

"Geeky?" John suggests.

"I was going to say 'cerebral', but, um, who knows, maybe we'll hit it off." Rodney takes another sip of wine.

"I don't need your love life screwing up our trade relations." John tells him with growing frustration.

Rodney is cheeky, "I'll try not to break her heart but no promises."

Footsteps approach and Rodney guzzles most of his remaining wine, setting the glass on the banquet table. The sisters walk in with a prepubescent girl who they introduce as Harmony.

Sounding suddenly more sober, Rodney tells John sarcastically, "Super."

John smirks; at least he doesn't have to worry about losing Rodney to this Princess.

The story comes out that Flora and Mardola want them to help escort Harmony on a rite of passage in order for her to ascend to the throne. She must make a journey deep into the forest to the site of some ruins. The sisters worry that the trail will be difficult; they want Harmony to have an escort but they don't want their own people to find out about it.

Although John tries to politely refuse, Flora pressures them by subtly threatening the trade agreement. Atlantis needs the food, so John relents and they soon head out with the young Princess into the wild.

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* * *

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Rodney is in a foul mood. Drinking all that wine earlier didn't help; the hangover is setting in already. And that little Princess has turned out to be a real brat. Rodney trudges behind the two of them, sick of hearing her compliment John and condescend to him. His stomach is growling for some real food.

"You gonna eat your powerbar?" he asks John

"Yes, Rodney. I told you, you shouldn't have eaten yours so early in the day."

"I'm starving." Rodney complains. "Usually Flora feeds us some kind of food when we visit… Come on, you hardly ever eat yours."

"No, Rodney."

"Well, will you give it to me later when you decide not to eat it?"

"You allow him to question you so incessantly?" Harmony asks John.

"I guess I'm just used to it by now." John tells her.

"Would it not be easier to beat him?" she reasons like a true tyrant in the making.

"We don't beat people where I come from." Rodney corrects her.

"Why not?"

"Well," John tells her, "we find it's not very effective in the long run… Unfortunately."

"Really?" Harmony marvels at him, "You are a truly gentle leader, John. I admire that."

Before long they reach a dead end in the trail, giving way to a ravine. John asks Harmony about the age of the map and she says it has been handed down from many generations.

"Okay, guess that bridge doesn't exist." John stuffs the map back into his vest, "You two stay put. I'm going to try to find a safe way across the river."

He sets his backpack down on a log near Rodney, telling him he'll be right back.

Rodney fidgets uneasily, he doesn't really want to talk to the kid so he ambles away from her and sits on a log nearby. When next he looks up Harmony is munching on a Powerbar.

"Where'd you find that?" Rodney asks suspiciously.

"John's bag." She mumbles with a mouthful and joins Rodney on his log.

"You- It's not yours."

"I'm hungry." She takes another bite.

"Well, you can't just take it like that."

"When I'm hungry, I eat." She gives Rodney a dark look.

"What's going to happen when Sheppard finds out?"

"Well", She eyes Rodney, "he's not going to now, is he?"

"Oh, yes, he is, because I'm going to tell him."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Harmony threatens.

"Yeah, or what?"

"I'm the Queen."

"Not yet, you're not little sister."

"Trust me," Harmony continues eating the powerbar, "you don't want to be on my bad side."

"Right? And what are you going to do? You going to have me beaten?" Rodney stands up, "All right, Princess, just hand it over."

She takes a last bite and hands Rodney the empty wrapper.

"Oh." Rodney tells her, "See, now, you're in trouble. You just wait till Sheppard gets back here, 'cause he's gonna-"

John's voice interrupts, "I think I found a place for us to, uh… Is that my Powerbar?" He stares at the wrapper in Rodney's hand.

"She stole it." Rodney points to the Princess.

"I did not!" Harmony stands up in outrage.

"Oh, what? You so did! Tell him!"

She looks at John innocently, "I would never do such a thing!"

Rodney points, "The second you were gone, she went into your bag."

"You are a liar! You are a lying liar!" She protests.

"Oh, please, who are you going to believe?" Rodney lifts his hands towards John.

"Well, if she stole it, Rodney, how come you got the wrapper?"

"Well, I…" Rodney sputters, "I was trying to take it back from her, and then she wolfs it down and hands me the wrapper."

"Really?" John sounds unconvinced.

"Okay, you better come clean, brat." Rodney snaps.

She wrinkles up her face pretending to be hurt, and fake sobs into her hands for moment. Then she lifts out her arms towards John for a hug.

John falls for the whole routine, telling her, "It's okay sweetie. Sometimes he makes me cry too."

The little brat continues to make crying sounds but gives Rodney the sign of a knife going over the throat when John isn't looking. This is so unfair.

.

.

As they continue, their simple journey takes a menacing turn. Not only did Harmony neglect to mention that there is some kind of 'beast' lurking in the forest, but it seems they are being hunted by Genii soldiers as well. John finds them a place to take cover for a while and they wait it out until dark, planning to head back to the castle.

Believing she will forfeit the crown without completing her ritual, Harmony demands they continue to the ruins.

Privately, Rodney discusses the situation with John, suggesting perhaps they should just stun her and carry her back. John seems to consider it for a minute. But then says he thinks she understands the danger. Apparently, 'he talked to her' about it.

"I'm sure you did," Rodney gives a dismissive face, "but she's 13, she's unreasonable, among with many other awful attributes."

"You know," John remarks, "they say you dislike the things in others that you in fact dislike about yourself."

"So what?" Rodney rolls his eyes.

"I'm just saying."

"We are nothing alike." Rodney argues.

"Okay."

"She is a stuck-up know-it-all brat." Rodney stops after hearing himself say the words. _'Okay, maybe not so different.'_

John shrugs at him playfully.

"Oh, ha, ha, ha." Rodney glares.

"Okay it is about as dark as it's going to get." John moves back under the foliage, "Let's wake her up and get moving."

But Harmony has disappeared. They have to comb the dark woods for over an hour looking for her. John seems to get as irritated as Rodney now and tells him to stop complaining.

"Sorry, I'm hungry, and when I'm hungry, I get cranky." Rodney pouts.

"And when you get cranky, you get hit."

"Okay, okay." Rodney relents.

"I wish Ronon was here." John adds.

"You know, you said that out loud, right?" Rodney feels more hurt than he would like to admit, "I mean, I'm right here."

"Well, it's nothing personal." John tells him, "It's just he's a better tracker than both of us combined.

Rodney has to admit it's true and tells himself John doesn't actually prefer Ronon to him.

Finally they find the brat by the smell of her cooking. John is downright angry now. Not only has she wandered off alone but the food could have easily attracted the beast or Genii soldiers -who by the way almost caught them twice while they were out looking for her. Famished, Rodney isn't above partaking in some of the roasted bird. John wants them to head out of the cave right away but the strange whirring sound of the 'beast' makes him relent long enough for Rodney to take some nourishment.

A short time later, they hear the sound of gunfire and people screaming.

John insists on going to scout; he turns to Harmony, "All right, be a brave girl and stay here with McKay."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Rodney objects, "How come I always get stuck being the babysitter?"

"You want to check out the beast?" John asks.

"No, I'm good here." Rodney decides.

"Thought so." John replies dryly, "Stay here."

Rodney crouches down next to Harmony with his gun ready.

They sit in silence for a while and then she asks, "You're a Doctor, right?"

"Yes. Yes… I mean, I'm not a medical Doctor…"

"So you're a liar?" She accuses.

"No, I'm a…" His voice gets shrill; Rodney sighs and asks more calmly, "What do you want?"

"What does love feel like?" Harmony inquires.

"Oh. Boy." Rodney had a feeling she was a little too taken with John.

She continues dreamily, "'Cause I think I'm in love with John."

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last." Rodney rolls his eyes.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that a lot of people," -' _Rodney leaves out the fact that he is among them'-_ , "particularly alien women, tend to fall for John Sheppard's good looks and charm."

"Not like me they don't" Harmony shakes her head.

"He's a bit old for you, don't you think?"

"I hadn't considered it." She replies thoughtfully.

"Yeah," Rodney tells her, "well, he will, so don't get your hopes up." Rodney knows far too well the heartbreak of getting one's hopes up about John Sheppard; he might not ever get over him, but Rodney can't let himself get lost in unrealistic fantasies again.

"You're not going to try to influence him, are you?" Harmony frowns at Rodney.

"I won't need to. Trust me."

The girl sounds a bit hurt, "You don't like me very much, do you?"

"No, that's not true." Rodney tries to be diplomatic, "I… I don't NOT like you."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you have a very annoying attitude, but I'm willing to cut you some slack because you're still just a child."

"Whereas if I were grown up, my annoying attitude would be less excusable?" Harmony's tone is taunting.

"That's right. An adult would, uh…" He looks at her abruptly, "Hey, _I_ don't have an attitude problem."

"And I don't NOT like you." Harmony tilts her head at him.

Reflecting for a moment, he finds her statement somewhat agreeable, "Well, that's sweet of you to say."

"So you promise not to get between John and me?"

"I promise…" Rodney bobs his head, "I'll give you this, you're a lot more mature than the women he usually falls for."

Rodney reminds himself, John doesn't really fall for anyone; he prefers casual hook-ups with hot alien girls… Like the ones on Mackenzie's planet. John doesn't do relationships. Rodney has to keep reminding himself of that or he's sure to get tangled up again in heartache over what he can never have. _'Don't go there McKay.'_

When John finally makes it back, Rodney acts short-tempered to cover the anxiety he was feeling that something might have happened to John; and maybe a little to cover the feelings that his conversation about the futility of being in love with John has stirred up.

John tells them that the beast has torn some soldiers to shreds, he had to lay low for a while to avoid detection, adding "whatever that beast thing is, it's lethal."

"I could have told you that." Harmony chirps.

"Yeah." John grunts, "Also, the Genii have shoot-to-kill orders for all of us."

"Oh, super." Rodney groans.

.

.

Because the ruins are now much closer than the castle, they decide to take temporary shelter there. It is nearly day break as they approach; They take cover from a vantage point, stunning a couple of Genii guards before making their way down.

Rodney is fascinated to see consoles of Ancient design, he realizes he's seen these schematics in the Ancient database. It's a testing ground for weapons, the development of the Ancient drones; in this case, mini-drones.

Harmony is immensely distressed that her pendant isn't glowing when she holds it up to the central pillar, since apparently it has something to do with her worthiness to be Queen.

John points to Harmony, "So the pendant is…"

"Probably some sort of pass key." Rodney speculates, realizing that more than just the Ancient gene must be needed to activate and control the drones.

"Yes, yes, yes, of course!" he continues to think it through, "It's in auto-protect mode! They're trolling the forest, taking out anybody without the gene. That's why they stayed clear of us and went straight for the Genii. The royal pain here must have it, as well."

Only the machine isn't working anymore. Genii guards must have messed with the control crystals. And now the radios from the unconscious Genii buzz with activity, making it clear that the three of them are boxed in from all directions. They are totally screwed.

John takes Harmony to a defensive position behind some fallen stones. While Rodney, exposed and out in the open, continues to try to find he right crystal configuration to get the machines 'beasts' working again.

Finally, just as Rodney finds the right settings, he hears John yelling, "Harm- Harmony! What did I just say?"

Gunfire whizzes past her as she runs back toward the pillar and Rodney ducks reflexively. Lunging forward, he takes Harmony down with him. While John returns fire, Rodney pulls Harmony safely back to cover with John.

The soldiers shout at them to give themselves up, reminding them that they have unlimited men while John and Rodney will soon run out of ammunition.

"Never!" Harmony bellows defiantly, "They would rather die than deal with the like of you savages. When my sisters hear of this, the Genii will be finished! Finished, do you hear?"

"How do you think we knew how to find you, little one?" a soldier replies.

"You lie!" Harmony yells, "Come at us with all you have, I shall silence you once and for all!"

John is able to get her to stop screaming for minute while they try to come up with a plan. Rodney estimates there is about a 50-50 chance the machine is still operational after all that gunfire.

"Provide me cover." Harmony commands John, "I'll make it to the pedestal, summon the beast, and smite them."

"There'll be no smiting today, little lady", John tells her in exasperation, "you've never even used that thing before."

"But I am the Queen, and the beast is my protector."

"It's a little more complicated than that." John tells her. He looks back at Rodney, "You say anyone with the Ancient gene can activate it?"

"Yeah, as long as they're wearing the pendant." He sees where John is going with this.

Harmony obviously doesn't. "Exactly." She agrees with John emphatically.

"50-50, huh?" John considers.

"100% chance they'll kill us if we don't or if we talk about it for much longer." Rodney shrugs.

John sighs and looks at Rodney's gun, "You got a full mag there?"

"Locked and loaded."

"On 3?" John prompts.

"Okay." Rodney nods.

"Yes. Excellent." Harmony murmurs.

"1… 2… 3." John reaches up and grabs the pendant from Harmony's neck, running down to the pedestal.

Throwing out cover fire, Rodney tries to keep the Genii from hitting John.

So far, so good.

The yellow lights of the mini-drones start to buzz around John's head and the Genii begin retreating. Those that are still alive, anyway.

Rodney runs down to John, "You all right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. You?"

"Sure, sure." Rodney scans the ridge for any Genii that may still be lurking.

Harmony joins them, "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen."

"You're young." John makes a dismissive face, "I'm sure you'll meet even braver men than me as you get older."

"Not you, usurper!" Harmony snatches her pendant back from him, "You're lucky I like you, or you would be hung for treason!"

"But you." She turns to Rodney, "You saved my life."

"I did?" Rodney is confused.

"When the Genii started firing at me, you threw yourself on me, using your own body as a shield." Harmony smiles at him sweetly.

"Oh, no." Rodney doesn't want her to get the wrong idea here, "No-no-no. I tripped and fell on top of you, It was an accident."

"And then," Harmony continues, "You pulled me to safety. …You don't NOT like me. You LIKE me!"

 _'Oh God, how did this reversal happen?'_ Rodney shakes his head, "No. No, no." He looks to John for help, "No-no, um, no."

John looks thoroughly amused as Harmony shouts gleefully to Rodney, "Yes! You saved my life and restored the ruins. You are a hero, Dr. McKay, both to me and my people."

"Well, I don't know about 'hero'," Rodney smirks at John to taunt him, "exceptionally courageous, perhaps…"

"And modest, too." Harmony demurs.

"It's time to go before the Genii come back." John frowns.

"I doubt it." Harmony casts her disapproving gaze on John, "They are a simple people, and they were most impressed by your actions. I, however, was not."

She places her hand on the pillar, "The pendant still glows. The gods have deemed me worthy… NOW, we can go."

When they return to the castle, Mardola, the treasonous sister who hired the Genii is imprisoned. And Harmony invites them both to return for the Royal coronation in a couple weeks.

.  
.

On the Jumper ride back, Rodney tells John, "Um, for the record, I just wanted to say that, uh, I did not eat your powerbar."

"Really?"

"Really! … Why don't you believe me. I wasn't-"

John laughs, "You're just too easy Rodney… 'Course I believe you. And ah, just for the record and all…

Well, when it comes to stuck-up know-it-all brats, some people do find them kind of endearing." he gives Rodney a warm smile, "–not that _you_ are one of them. Just sayin'…"

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Take it how you want." John shrugs ambivalently.

"Okay" Rodney smiles in amusement, "Well, as long as we're clearing the air here, um… How exactly, do I make you cry?"

"Quit while you're ahead, Rodney."

"Got it."

.  
.

The next couple weeks feel like old times to Rodney. Just he and John hanging out, playing video golf, chess, and watching movies; lounging all hours in his quarters.

With Katie out of the picture, John has even started to spend some late nights on Rodney's couch again. The way they banter and tease feels like a familiar dance they do to get close. Not that it will ever be as close as Rodney wants it to be, but it feels good being with John like this.

When the two of them revisit Larros for Harmony's royal coronation, she singles them both out in the crowded throne room, "Dr. Rodney McKay and Colonel John Sheppard, your contribution to my people may never be repaid."

"Well, we didn't do it for the compensation, your Highness." John smiles.

"Kiss-ass." Rodney hisses at him.

Harmony continues, "I personally owe you a debt of gratitude for your help in defeating the regicidal Genii. I've had one of the court's finest artisans feature you in a rendering of our glorious victory."

When the cloth is pulled away, Rodney stifles a laugh. It's the funniest thing he's seen in a long time. In the foreground, he is portrayed in heroic glory, firing his weapon like a hardened soldier and protecting a serene looking Harmony. Behind the Princess, John cowers in the background with a look of sheer terror on his face, his hands splayed outward in a display of helpless surrender as he tries to protect himself.

"Yeah, pretty much how I remember it." Rodney gloats, clapping along with the rest of the crowd.

John gives Rodney a sideways look of displeasure but keeps his composure. As the festivities die down, John leaves and heads back to the Jumper. But Rodney stays a while longer and requests permission to take a photo of the lovely portrait, so that he may always treasure their time together.

As soon as Rodney gets back, he sends out an email to everyone on base except John. The heading reads 'Sheppard's heroics immortalized for all time.' And of course it includes the photo of the painting.

.  
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* * *

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For a day or two, John has noticed something is afoot. People are watching him; people he barely knows are smiling and waving their hands in a peculiar way. As he approaches the dinner table, Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney are all laughing heartily and giving each other conspiratorial looks.

"All right. What's up?" He demands.

"Oh, nothing." Ronon chuckles, "Heard the coronation went well."

"Sure." John waits for more.

Teyla lifts her eyebrows and hands John a tablet with an image of the painting.

"McKay." John groans.

"You're just too easy, John." Rodney seems very pleased with himself.

Ronon laughs and points at the screen, "I just love that look. You know, the look of terror you get on every mission. Luckily, McKay's always there, out in front, with his gun."

"I'll get you for this McKay." John warns lightheartedly, "You know I will."

"Maybe," Rodney beams, "but not today."

The following night John is doing a little tidying up around Rodney's room, as he sometimes does when he spends the night. But Rodney stops him, complaining that he can't ever find anything when John does that.

"It's all still there." John points to the neatly arranged piles, "Just cleaner."

"You actually think you're being helpful, don't you?" Rodney glares.

 _'How could cleaning not be helpful?'_ John shrugs as Rodney launches into a long-winded explanation of how everything has a perfect order in the chaos. Apparently Rodney knows exactly where everything is and wants it to stay that way.

That's when John gets the perfect idea for revenge. He starts out in Rodney's room, switching drives and pieces of electronic equipment with each other, but then it progresses to clothing and everything else he can find, even snacks. The goal is not to move something so much as to switch places, to throw Rodney off balance.

After that, it gets a little out of hand; he recruits Zelenka and some of the other science staff to help him switch things out in the lab. Keeping a close eye on the developments, John makes sure to switch anything that has been moved back.

The prank goes on for almost a week, before Rodney complains to him, "You know, lately it feels like I'm losing my mind. And it's weird, like all of the sudden, I just-"

John presses his lips together to contain a laugh, but it comes out like a snort.

"Wha- Wait, what are you…" Rodney whips his head around, "Oh. I see. This is your doing is it?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." John lies but can't contain his grin.

"Ha, ha. You got me. Now just leave my stuff alone."

"No promises." John smiles playfully. With Katie out of the picture he plans to spend as much time in Rodney's room as possible. And who knows, maybe now there is the smallest chance that things between them might develop into something more.

.  
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	65. It was a mistake coming back

.

.

"I watched it last night." Ronon is complaining to him, "There was hardly any fighting."

"That's because it's not about fighting." John loves how puzzled Ronon is over this movie.

"Then why's it called 'Blades of Glory'?"

"Cause it's about skate blades." John manages to keep a straight face.

"And this is a real sport? Men and women dancing around on ice?"

"Unfortunately."

"You're planet's weird."

"Mmm," John admits, "you can say that again."

"Colonel." Sam stops the two of them in the hall with a serious expression, "I was just coming to see you. Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah, sure." John wonders what's gone wrong now.

"I received a message from Stargate Command." She tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

"Okay." John braces himself.

"Your father suffered a heart attack last night. I'm sorry, John," Sam looks at him compassionately, "but he passed away."

John's face goes cold as he gazes to the floor. He feels frozen, numb… nothing.

Should he be surprised that word was sent to him at all? It obviously means Dave expects him to come back for the funeral.

Maybe seeing the old man off will put some of the past to rest, give him closure... Probably not. It's been too late for a long time now. But somehow, going back, it feels like something John's obliged to do anyway.

Facing his past isn't going to be easy, it will be best to handle this alone and get it over with as soon as possible. John sends Ronon away and dispassionately heads back to his quarters.

.

.

With a slow detachment, John lays his clothes out neatly on the bed, preparing everything he'll need for the trip. It isn't much. He methodically begins to pack them into his duffel bag, the motions feel mechanical.

Shouldn't he be feeling something? Dread, relief, anger... anything?

Rodney bursts into the room out of breath, interrupting his solitude.

"Hey. I, uh, heard what happened. I'm very sorry."

Pressing his lips together stoically, John utters a small. "Thanks." His voice comes out rough and low, almost a whisper.

He doesn't want to involve Rodney in this; he'd been hoping to leave before he found out. To get this over with as fast as possible, he finds himself stuffing his neatly arranged clothes quickly into the bag.

"You okay?" Rodney walks over to the bed.

"Yeah. I'm fine." John straightens his posture and zips the packed bag, indicating he's done and ready for Rodney to leave.

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* * *

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.

Rodney sees John smile, one of those empty grins he pastes over his face when he's out of reach. John looks like he's uncomfortable and trying to find something to do; he unzips the bag looking inside at nothing in particular.

"You know, I requested to go back with you, but the Ancient device on M7G-677 is malfunctioning." Rodney can't believe John didn't even bother to tell him, he'd heard the news from Ronon; he needs John to understand that he would have come with him if he'd known, especially after the way John was there for him when Carson died.

Even though John didn't ask.

"Isn't that the planet with all the kids?" John zips his bag closed again.

"Yeah." Rodney should have insisted Zelenka be the one to go on the mission, he'd begged Sam to let him go back to Earth; and now, John is all packed and ready to go, leaving him powerless to do anything to help.

"That should be fun for you." John replies with that empty look on his face.

Rodney feels a pang of guilt, "Oh, believe me, I'd get out of it if I could, but ah, without the EM field they're an easy target for the Wraith."

John tosses his bag roughly to the floor.

"I guess it's just bad timing." Rodney stumbles on awkwardly.

"Ah, don't worry about it." John sounds like he's trying to convince Rodney; but the cold resolve on his face starts to waver, he abruptly looks away and stares at the floor.

 _'Why can't he think of anything to say?'_ He's letting John down and he knows it, "If you want to, you know, talk or…"

"Rodney." John is looking through him again, trying to hide his emotion but his voice betrays him.

There is so much in that one word he can't even process it all. He wonders how it is that John can do that? To simply utter Rodney's name but say a thousand different things depending on the inflection. This time, the thousand things are all jumbled together.

"I'm fine." John takes a breath and brings his voice back to a deceptive lull; he lowers his head into a meaningful gaze that is meant to assure Rodney that everything will be okay.

"Right." Rodney knows better.

Wanting to reach out somehow, he feels so helpless. He can't stop staring at John, hoping for an opening to do something, say something... more. Failing to find one, he lowers his head in defeat.

There's a lump in his throat and Rodney gives an involuntary cough, hoping John won't notice his emotional reaction. It's obvious John doesn't want that right now.

As he walks out of the room, Rodney promises himself that he'll make this up to John, just as soon as he gets back. He'll find a way to get through to him.

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* * *

.  
.

Watching Rodney leave, John feels sad for the first time since he heard the news about his father's death. He's sure Rodney would've found a way to come if John had asked.

But John doesn't want Rodney there. The last thing he needs is anyone making assumptions that he's brought his gay lover to the funeral.

Somewhere in the back of John's mind, he remembers a song from an album Lyle gave him years ago... it that always seemed to express what he couldn't about the train wreck of his emotional life. What was that one line?

 _'...I can't go home because they hate me._ '

Yeah. That.

But it was never really a home, just a place he left behind almost 20 years ago. And John gave up hoping things could be any different long ago.

Grabbing the duffle bag, John walks to the gate alone.

While he bleakly waits for the wormhole to open, Ronon walks up and stands next to him.

"Where are you going?" John scowls.

"With you." Ronon answers, staring straight ahead at the gate.

Too numb to argue, John just continues to stare blankly as well. The ring activates and Ronon strides forward into the open wormhole. All John can do is follow after him into the event horizon.

The rest of the trip, John is dull, tired, and silent. Thankfully, Ronon lets him stay that way. Once they reach a hotel, John retreats to his room without a word. He collapses into bed and falls asleep as soon as he hits the mattress.

When John wakes and remembers where he is. A bitter feeling rises in his throat. He'd sworn to himself that he'd never come back to this place. After Mom died, there was nothing left. No family to be found here.

The only moments of escape or freedom had been when John was flying. Any free time he was allowed, he spent chasing that rush, lifting through the air. He'd had his pilot's license in no time.

 _'Better get this over with.'_

John pulls himself from bed and goes through the motions of getting into his suit, trying to look the part. When he finds Ronon out by the car, John notices he's donned some Earth attire, but he is underdressed for the kind of event this will be. Whatever. John really doesn't give a shit.

As he drives them up to the estate, John realizes he should probably offer Ronon some kind of explanation. Unsure of what to say, he hopes Ronon won't judge him by the opulence he is about to witness. John parks the car on the curved driveway arching away from the large mansion.

Getting out and looking around, Ronon comments, "A lot of people."

"Yeah, well," John rasps, "My old man was pretty well-connected." Political connections had always been the most important thing to Patrick Sheppard; he built an empire on them.

Seeing his brother coming toward him, John's stomach does a flip-flop. His first thought is that Dave will think he and Ronon are lovers. John looks nervously at Ronon but walks over to Dave anyway.

"John." Dave addresses him.

"Dave." John rubs the back of his neck anxiously.

His brother reaches out a formal hand to greet him, "I wasn't sure you were going to make it."

John reaches his hand out and returns the stiff shake.

"It's good to see you." Dave sounds insincere.

Ronon has not escaped Dave's notice; he flits his eyes over the two of them, saying, "I contacted your unit commander at Peterson, but um, sometimes those messages just don't seem to reach you."

He hates the reproachful look Dave is giving the two of them, but tries to stay polite, "Well, I came as soon as I heard."

Dave nods and peers at Ronon so John offers the obligatory introduction, "This is Ronon. Ronon this is Dave, my brother."

"Yeah, nice to meet you." Ronon has a slight scowl on his face but reaches out his hand in the Earth custom.

"Pleasure." Dave gives Ronon a leery eye, speaking in a civilized but condescending way. He looks back to John pointedly, "You two ... _work_ together... in the Air Force."

"He's a civilian contractor." John jumps in quickly, trying to dispel any notions that Dave might have about Ronon being his romantic partner.

"Right." Dave leans his head to one side in disbelief.

How is it that John suddenly feels like he's 18 again? He pushes his lips together and chews the bottom one under scrutiny. His face is warm with shame and his heart pounding in his chest.

"Anyway," Dave continues, "John, I think we should probably talk."

"Yeah." John manages to lift his head, speaking in a gravelly whisper.

"I'll catch up with you later." Dave dismisses them in his cordial but cold manner.

Feeling every bit the younger brother, John blinks and nods meekly. He makes his way to the main house where the closed casket is set for viewing. A large portrait of the old man is covered in a lavish array of flowers. The face is so much older than John remembers. Jesus, he can't believe it's really been 20 years.

He can barely stand to look at the photo, as if he can see all his father's rage and rejection coming through it. John walks to the casket instead and shoves his hands in his pockets. He wonders what he should be feeling about this. And he can't help but wonder if Patrick Sheppard died believing he went to heaven or hell.

One of the last times John tried to reach out to the old man, about 11 years ago, he and Nancy had recently gotten engaged. John sent the wedding invitations to the house. Dave had come but not a word from the old man.

That had been when John had really given up on the idea that he'd ever win his father's approval. He'd thought the guy at least would have been happy he married a woman.

Nancy had been insistent though, always trying to urge him to reach out. John had given into the pressure eventually and called the house when he knew Dave and the old man would be working.

Dave had answered and set the phone down to go get Patrick. After a minute, Dave returned to the line, saying "Sorry John. He… he's yelling about how you turned your back on the family."

"Me?" John balked, "He's the one who threw me out when I was 18! It wasn't my choice."

"You know how stubborn Dad can be." Dave sighed.

Thinking Nancy would be satisfied with the effort, John just hung up on his brother. But she never really accepted that John didn't have a relationship with his family. Probably because she didn't know the whole story.

What's the point of staring at a casket anyway? It isn't going to change anything. John leaves the room and walks back outside to the garden. He finds Ronon on the lawn with a towering plate of food. Clearly he's discovered the fancy buffet.

"Lots of food over there." Ronon mumbles with a mouthful, offering the plate to John.

"I'm good." John smiles weakly.

Ronon nods his head to the mansion, "This the house you were raised in?"

"One of them." John pulls at a stray flower in his hand.

"It's nice." Ronon's voice sounds sincere and free of judgment.

"Yeah, I couldn't wait to get out of here." John admits.

"Yeah? Why?" Ronon asks.

How can he explain the situation out here on the lawn? John tries to give Ronon an abbreviated but honest answer.

"My dad's idea of teenage rebellion was going to Stanford instead of Harvard." He smiles up at Ronon, then realizes that he won't understand the reference at all; how with his father's connections and John's scores, he was already assured entrance to Harvard -applying anywhere else was superfluous.

"Never mind. He just…" John tries to keep it as light as he can, "He had everything planned out for me since I was about 14."

That was how old John was when the old man put him to work full time in the family business. He'd worked hard at it, tried to make the old man proud, but nothing John did was ever enough to please him.

He remembers how disappointed the old man had been that John wanted to apply to the Air Force Academy. Finally, he'd convinced Patrick he'd never go. John argued that it could help with future military connections to say that he had been one of the lucky few selected; it was just a matter of prestige if he could say he'd been accepted.

He'd have just applied on his own without asking, but he needed his father's political connections to get that letter of recommendation from a member of Congress. Regardless of the outcome, John knew he'd end up at Harvard getting a business degree like his brother. It was what his father wanted and Patrick Sheppard knew his son well enough to know that sometimes John just wanted to prove something was possible. Just like he'd taken the Mensa test only to prove he could get in.

In the end, John always ended up doing what his father asked of him, so he'd had gotten his Congressional letter and applied himself to the rigorous physical and written examinations. It was satisfying to be selected, even though John knew he could never fly professionally.

"So what do we do now?" Ronon is asking.

"Mostly, people sit around, drink, eat." He looks at Ronon's plate, "Some more than others. Mostly they talk… they don't know what to say, but they talk."

Ronon looks over to Dave in the distance; he is shaking hands and exchanging niceties with men in suits, "Yeah, well, your brother seems to be handling it well."

"That's what he does," John can't help but feel bitter. "he handles things."

Like how Dave handled the death of their mother. John had been 8 when she died. Dave always kept telling him to stop being such a baby and 'handle it like a man'. They'd never been close, but Dave had bullied him a lot after Mom died. It had been a relief when Dave finally left home for college.

"How come you never mentioned him before?" Ronon questions.

 _'Let's see, 'cause not counting today, I've only seen my brother twice in 20 years... Only talked to him a handful of times on the phone since I was a kid.'_ Out loud he merely says, "It's complicated."

He turns his head to take in the scene behind him and spots someone from his past; whipping around again with his back to the party, John asks Ronon, "I told you I had an ex-wife, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Here she comes." John exhales and turns to greet her.

She looks as pretty as ever, polished and graceful, "Hi, John."

"Nancy." He stalls for a moment, then admits, "I didn't expect to see you here."

Reaching up, she hugs John politely, quickly breaking away, "I'm very sorry."

His mind goes blank before he remembers to introduce her to Ronon. He tries to make polite conversation and ask how things are going with her job in Washington. Nancy tells him she was recently promoted to a directorship at Homeland Security and he congratulates her.

You know," Nancy tells him, "your Dad was always very good to me."

John tries not to show his resentment about how cozy the old man had gotten with Nancy after the divorce. It figures that John would end up marrying someone as ambitious as his father. Nancy always claimed she met Patrick Sheppard after the divorce at a political function purely by accident. But John's always had his doubts.

Nancy had always been far too fascinated by John's prestigious upbringing. The old man hadn't bothered to come to the wedding, but clearly, he'd approved of Nancy. Dave told John later how 'disappointed' he and Dad were that the marriage failed.

It still bothers him to think that the old man may have gotten into his head through Nancy somehow. But at least Nancy never gave any indication that she knew anything about the nature of their fallout... other than something regarding business and career choices.

Clearing his throat, John tells her, "Well in his mind, marrying you was probably the best thing I ever did."

"Okay." Nancy's voice is tense, she knows how John feels about the fact that she got close with his family after the divorce. "Well, it's good to see you again, John. Take care of yourself."

This is a lot harder than he thought it would be. He seriously needs a drink.

John and Ronon head to the open bar inside the house. While waiting for his drink, a young woman approaches him. Disturbingly, she begins rambling about classified details of the Stargate program like Rodney's past kidnapping and his work on the nanites.

Convinced that this woman, Ava, represent a security threat, John immediately agrees to go to a private place to speak with her. He tells Ronon to take her to the car and tosses him the keys. On his way out, John spots Dave coming toward him across the lawn.

Dave begins, "John I was thinking that we should-"

"Something came up." John cuts him off, "I've got to go."

His brother walks in close, with his eyes cold, "It's Dad's wake."

"I know" John says, "But this is work-related."

"Oh. Oh. What is it top secret?" Dave postures sarcastically, "National security, that sort of thing?"

"Well, something like that." John answers honestly.

"You know, this is so typical." Dave shakes his head in disgust.

Tired of feeling intimidated, John confronts him, "You got something to say, just say it."

"Look," Dave sighs facing away from John, "there's just one thing I want to know. What's your level of expectation here?"

"What are you talking about?" John is confused.

"I mean," Dave pauses before cocking his head abruptly at John, "are you going to challenge the will?"

John's eyes go wide with shock and hurt.

"I have no idea what it says, of course," Dave continues, "but I think I can guess."

Narrowing his eyes, John tries to wrap his head around this. He didn't think this place could hurt him again but he was wrong. Dave has just ripped away the last shred of sentiment John had left for this, this, pit of wretchedness and despair that he was once forced to call his home.

"That's what you want to talk about?" He looks at Dave in betrayal, "You want to talk about money?

"That's why you're here isn't it?" Dave is flippant.

He gapes at Dave in horror.

"You've been gone a long time, John. It's not such a stretch."

Rousing himself from his stupor, anger starts to take the place of the pain he's feeling; as he stalks away, John spits out, "You've got nothing to worry about."

"Hey." Dave calls after him.

John stops walking and turns around.

"If I got the wrong impression of you, it's not my fault. You're the one who left, remember? I stayed. I looked after Dad, I ran the business, while you were off doing... God-knows-what."

"I'm assuming," John tries to hold his voice steady, "that's what Dad wanted."

"No." His brother looks at him sincerely for the first time today, "No, it's not John."

Dave assesses him for a moment, "Dad regretted what happened between you two… right up to the end." With that, Dave turns and walks back to the wake.

John wishes to God he hadn't turned around to hear the rest of what Dave had to say. He thought he was long past caring, but hearing that his father may have felt something for him beyond hatred is tearing at John's insides.

 _'Goddamn Son of a Bitch is dead and he's still fucking with me.'_

Once again, the old man got through to that small, scared part of him. Just like always, reaching into John's life, strangling him... No matter how long and far John has run he still hasn't escaped.

Why the hell did he bother to come back for this? There's no point, nothing but a bottomless well of pain from the past coming back to haunt him.

 _'Focus John. Shut it off.'_

John squeezes his eyes together. He breathes in and in a moment he is gone; numb and distant.

Time to save the world now. John's eyes snap open and he runs back to the car.

.  
.


	66. Indifference was the best John expected

.

.

A Replicator loose on Earth is a pretty valid excuse for leaving a wake, as far as excuses go. Not that Dave would care even if John _could_ tell him.

If Ava hadn't come to them, they'd never have known that Henry Wallace's research into the nanites didn't die along with him. Ava's mentor, Dr. Poole, managed to create one of the things using Wallace's data ...before it killed two people and escaped from his lab.

They nearly caught the thing, but now the SGC has reached a dead end. All John can think is that before Dr. Poole went and got himself killed by his own creation, he must have had a buyer lined up. Someone connected and powerful.

John doesn't like the idea of asking Nancy for a favor but knowing the danger the Replicator poses is enough to make him swallow his pride.

So he makes the call, even if it just means getting an earful from her about what a crappy husband he was. God knows she doesn't owe him anything, but if she'd be willing to look into this unofficially, maybe she could find something they've missed.

.

.

"Two John Sheppard encounters in two days?" Nancy eyes him sarcastically, "I hardly saw you that much when we were married… What can I do for you?"

"Uh," John starts hesitantly, "I need a favor… uh, I need as much information as possible about a project -possibly codenamed 'Archetype.'"

She looks at him sharply, "You want me to use my security clearance to get you classified information?"

"Well, I didn't say it was a small favor." he adds.

Nancy sounds angry, "Do you know how hard I've worked to get to where I am? If I get caught doing something like this, I could lose everything."

"Well, I know. I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important."

She sighs and gives him a look that he remembers from their marriage, resigned and disappointed. "All right, what's it about?" She eyes him skeptically.

Trying to form the next words, John pulls his lips together. Nancy was always angry with him for being evasive and she isn't going to like that he can't give her answers.

He spills the words quickly, "I can't tell you."

"Ah, that's typical." Nancy makes a scornful sound.

'"What the hell is that supposed to mean?", John feels defensive. _'It's not like they're married anymore'_

"I haven't seen you in over 4 years" Nancy notes sourly.

He thought it had been much longer than that. Oh yeah. They'd gotten drinks once while he was on leave from McMurdo, not that long before he headed out to Atlantis.

"And now you want me to put my job on the line," She continues, "you won't even tell me why?"

"All right." John nods his head in guilt, "When you put it that way, it sounds a little crappy."

"Well, I'm glad you noticed." Nancy's voice warms, but still has a sharp edge, "It's too bad you didn't a little bit earlier, say, like, when we were still together. When I think back to all those times that you would just take that call and leave, no apologies, no explanations… For all I knew you were halfway around the world flying secret missions in Somalia."

"That's ridiculous." John nitpicks, "I've never been to Somalia."

"North Korea, then." Nancy pouts.

"There's a big difference." He quibbles.

After a long sigh, Nancy speaks softly, "I put up with your secrets then, John. I don't have to do it now."

"Right." John's voice gets soft too; he knows she's talking about more than his missions.

Nancy thought once they were married, John would open up and show her his inner world. He'd wanted to, but he hadn't known how. He'd been absent physically and unreachable emotionally even when he had been home. Nancy deserved better, he knew that. John hadn't blamed her when she filed for divorce.

.

.

Back at the lab, John finds Ava distraught as she packs up Dr. Poole's personal effects. He'd been like a father to her and she is heartbroken that he died believing she betrayed him.

"Well, you don't know that." John tries to reassure her that Poole may have understood.

She smiles dryly, "That's nice of you to say, but this project meant everything to him."

Sitting down, John can't help but think about what Dave said... about the old man regretting things in the end, "Well, maybe you meant something to him, too. You never know what people are thinking."

Dave's last words planted the seed of an idea. One John's tried not to think about but can't let go of. The remote possibility that maybe his father regarded him as a son after all.

"Even those you're closest to?" Ava queries.

"Especially those." John sees Rodney's face in his mind, wishing he could have known what Rodney once felt for him, before it was too late.

He stares down at the table for some time, a pensive frown on his face.

"Colonel?" Ava notices something is wrong.

 _'Focus John'_ He pulls himself from his thoughts and returns his mind to the mission at hand.

A short while later, John gets an urgent message relayed to him. Nancy wants to speak and he goes to her immediately.

She gives him a small data storage device, saying it is everything she could find on 'Archetype', "It's not much, but whatever it is, no one will touch it with a 10 foot pole."

"Yeah, I owe you one." John tells her gratefully.

"Damn right you do." She looks at John with sentiment and shakes her head gently, "You know, it's funny, when you and I were together, I couldn't stand it when you wouldn't be able to tell me where you were going or what you were doing… And now, every once in a while, I catch Grant looking at me the same way."

 _'Grant... Mr. boring, dependable nice guy.'_ But John had been happy for Nancy when she remarried; she deserved someone who could give her what she needed.

"When I was doing my snooping around, I took the liberty of asking a few questions about you, John."

"That's probably not such a good idea." he grimaces.

"Yeah, I got that impression. I've seen walls go up quickly before, but never like this, and whatever you're into, it's obviously big. And, my guess is, very dangerous. I just want you to be careful."

"Well," John smirks, "you know me."

"Yeah." Nancy looks at him protectively, "That's the problem."

He looks up at her with guilty eyes and offers a small smile of affection. He appreciates the little bit of care she still has for him; he knows even from a safe distance his recklessness drives her crazy.

Returning the smile, she sighs with resignation and gets out of the car, "Goodbye, John."

.

.

With the Replicator destroyed, thanks in no small part to the information Nancy provided, it's time to return to Atlantis.

Almost.

Before he leaves, there's just one last thing John has to do.

He heads back to the estate one last time. Getting out of the cab, he rubs his neck anxiously before knocking on the door.

Dave answers looking surprised but his expression is uncharacteristically soft.

John looks at him hopefully and Dave widens the door, "Come in."

It's so strange being back here. He walks in and sits on a couch nervously. Dave offers him a drink, which he readily accepts. He doesn't know what he came here to say.

Just, he hasn't been able to quash his desire, his hope that he could feel something other than complete rejection from his family. John shifts his glass and looks at Dave.

He finds himself preemptively explaining about Ronon, "We really do work together. That's all. There's nothing… It's not like that."

Lifting his eyebrows, Dave asks, "John, do you really think I still care about that, after all this time?"

Feeling small, John just shrugs.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Dave looks at his brother realizing for the first time, how much pain all of this must have caused John over the years.

He takes a breath and looks at John squarely, "Well, _I_ don't".

John nods uncertainly, "Dad did."

"Well," Dave looks down, "Dad was stubborn. He didn't like to lose a fight, even if he knew he was wrong."

.

.

* * *

.

.

John's lower lip begins to tremble despite himself; he's embarrassed that his eyes are getting watery and looks up to keep tears from forming, "So he… didn't hate me?", He's afraid to know the answer either way.

"No, no he didn't." Dave answers in a compassionate tone.

"How do you know?" John's voice is husky as he continues staring up at the ceiling.

"Because he… He kept tabs on you, he'd tell me when something happened… Like when you got promoted. He sounded like he was bragging about his own achievements. He said you excelled at everything you did.

Sometimes he grumbled that you didn't put your mind to work for him, but he was proud of you...

He never talked about anything directly. But towards the end he told me he regretted what had happened between you two, that if he could do it again, he'd do it differently."

Silent tears started spilling down John's face the moment he heard Dave say the word 'proud'.

Hearing the rest of it makes it impossible to hold them back. His lip trembles violently and the unbidden tears flow. John can't believe he still has a place in his heart that can be touched by this.

But it's like going back in time, wishing desperately for his father's love and approval. Hating himself for not being worthy of it and hoping against hope that somehow he'll get it anyway.

This belated offering Dave is giving him, that his father felt something beyond disgust and hatred, perhaps even pride in his younger son… It's more than John knows how to cope with.

It's like the part of his heart that had shrunken and blackened with time is being filled with life.

And it's too much, the space is too small now and it is overflowing like his eyes. John keeps his tears silent, but his breath is staggered. He shakes his head as he tries to reconcile this information; his face bunched up in pain.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Dave is speechless for some time. He'd always thought John didn't care about any of this, that he wanted nothing to do with him or his father. Now he is filled with a great regret over his distant dealings with his brother over the years.

"John, I… " His voice is low, feeling too emotional to keep it steady, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were hurting. I… I should have, I should have been more of a brother to you."

.

.

* * *

.

.

John's eyes squeeze tighter and the tears keep coming. Shaking his head, he wants to ask _'Why?'_ But it is a question Dave can't answer. There will never be an answer because his father is gone now.

 _'Why did you throw me away? Why didn't you love me? Why wasn't I good enough? Why wouldn't you let me come back? Why does this hurt so much?'_

"Why?"

"What, John?" When Dave asks, John realizes he's accidentally whispered the word aloud.

Trembling, he tries to regain control. Dave being kind to him is another thing that is too much. His heart doesn't have room for it. He bites into his lower lip.

Dammit. John opens his eyes enough to see his whiskey on the table.

Grabbing it, he downs the whole thing. Okay that helps. John throws his head back again and opens his eyes to the ceiling. He takes a few deep breaths then looks down to his empty glass. He sets it on the table and finally looks at Dave.

John inhales sharply. Dave is looking at him in bewilderment and his eyes are… He's crying too. John didn't think Dave was capable, he hadn't even cried when Mom died.

This is the guy that teased him and told John he was a baby for not 'handling' her death like a man. John shares the expression of bewilderment with his brother. Here they are sitting across from each other, both of them with tears on their faces.

"I'm... so sorry, John." Dave's voice is tight, "You didn't deserve… You deserved better."

Blinking at the tears, John is unsure of what to say.

Dave stands up and gestures to the bar, "Shall we get another…"

Nodding in agreement, John follows him to refill their empty glasses.

This time Dave pours a very stiff drink, almost full to the brim. John still can't believe he's here, in this house with his brother, fucking crying. He can't believe he doesn't even want to stop the tears anymore.

The two of them lean on the bar instead of returning to the couches. As kids, they'd been 4 years apart, so Dave had little interest in anything other than picking on John. But John had looked up to him anyway, admired him and wished that Dave was the kind of brother he could confide to and rely on.

Now somehow those feelings are rushing back too. All those lost wishes from childhood feel so close again. He looks at Dave and sees no scorn in his face, only sadness.

"John" Dave says the name with emotion and looks like he's having difficulty finding the words he wants to say, "I want you to know… that although I haven't done a very good job of showing it in the past… That, uh, I do in fact, really care about you."

Shocked, John gapes at his brother.

"I mean, to say, actually, that I love you." Dave revises, looking at him intently.

Pressing his lips together, John's eyes go wide. Dave has never said anything like this to him before. He feels like he's 8 years old again yearning for his brother's acceptance.

"Oh." John licks his lips and his voice quakes; he looks to Dave without hiding his desire for connection and fresh tears fall, "I, uh… love you too."

Emotion wracks John's body and he crushes his eyes shut. He feels a hand on his shoulder and opens his eyes again. Stunned, he sees a teary-eyed Dave still looking at him with affection.

Unsure of himself, John reaches out his arm shakily to touch his brother's shoulder.

But Dave steps closer and wraps his arms around John. Relenting, John squeezes back. The only time Dave ever hugged him before was a brief pat at John's wedding. There was never anything like this in their family. John holds him close, feeling his brother's body shake as Dave allows himself to cry in earnest.

Resting his head on his brother's shoulder, John spills his own tears onto Dave's sweater. He can't believe how much love he feels, that it's possible that there's still something holding them together.

This hug almost makes up for everything. The years after Mom died that John had been teased for his tears. This feeling of connection between them seems to bridge the immense distance between then and now.

Still, the emotion is too much. Part of him wants to push back, to protect himself from being hurt again. But John has no defense for kindness. Indifference, or even hatred, he had expected, but love wasn't something he came prepared for.

"I'm sorry," Dave sobs, "I'm just so sorry."

"It's okay." John clasps him tighter, "It's all okay now... It's okay, isn't it?"

"Yeah… Yeah…" Dave speaks in halting breaths, "O-Okay."

"John…" again, the name is said with intense emotion, Dave pulls back, with his hands on John's shoulders; the look on his face honest and sincere. "I want us to be… different"

"Me too…" John nods, "I know my job can sometimes be difficult… but I'll try, I'll really try."

"Okay, okay. I'll really try too." Dave pulls his brother back into a short but fierce embrace.

The two of them drink for hours. There is laughter, more tears, heartfelt apologies, and recounting of childhood memories. Even a little more talk of Dad.

By the end of the evening the two of them are pretty well drunk and John calls for another cab. At the door they say their goodbyes.

Then just as John is leaving, Dave grabs his arm. "Hey, I'm proud of you too… I'm proud you're my brother, nothing else matters and I love you."

It feels easy now as John hugs Dave back, "I love you too... Thanks… for everything."

When John came by the house earlier this was the last thing he'd ever expected. Maybe he thought after arguing with Dave, he might get a better answer about what the old man may have regretted. But this?

As John walks to the cab, he feels elated beyond anything he thought was possible.

.

.


	67. No son of mine is a fucking faggot

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.

When John gets back to Atlantis and people in the gate room ask how he's doing, it isn't even a lie when he says 'Fine'. He feels like he has some lost part of himself back, the part that existed before Mom died.

With the rest of the day off before he returns to active duty, John wants to make the most of this relaxed feeling. He grabs his War & Peace novel and heads out to one of the remote, empty sections on the North pier.

The sound of someone approaching rouses him about half and hour into his reading. He looks up from the wall he's sitting against and sees Rodney.

"Of course it would me you." John folds the corner of his book page, "How'd you find me? Never mind -internal sensors, I forget sometimes."

"I have other ways, I can find anybody I want to." Rodney brags, then his countenance falls and he confides, "I was worried about you."

"I'm fine, really." John sighs with ease.

"So…" Rodney sits next to him and leans back on the wall; he studies John's face for a moment, "How was the funeral?"

"You know…" John shrugs, about to make a joke, but Rodney's caring expression stops his pat answer.

"Something good happened while I was there." John doesn't know how to explain without some background, "Uh, so… I haven't been home in almost 20 years. I've been estranged from my, uh... _family_." It feels weird to use that word since he's never felt like he had one.

"Well..." Rodney's brows furrow, "That sounds more bad than good."

"Actually It was more like…" John turns and gazes at Rodney openly.

He feels so light now, like it would be easy to tell the truth. He's learned to trust Rodney with these things, maybe he could let him in... just a little bit more...

"It's... kind of a long story." John offers hesitantly.

"I'm completely yours." Rodney smiles eagerly.

John grins back, wishing that really was the case.

"Well…okay." he shrugs, "Ah, I think it started when my Mom died. You know, like I told you before, I was young when she… um...

...Anyway, Dad was a drinker. But he was pretty wealthy and powerful, functioned at a high level… it could get ugly sometimes. He used to… get physical, especially when I cried about losing Mom. He'd slap me and tell me to shut up and stop being a baby.

Didn't think he ever liked me much, always saying I was a disappointment and-."

"How old were you?" Rodney interrupts.

"About 8."

"God." Rodney winces.

"That's not the bad part." John smiles tightly.

"Oh." Rodney lifts his eyebrows.

"I always tried to win his approval." John rubs the back of his neck, "Started working full time in the family business when I was 14. Didn't get a lot of free time, but when I did, I'd spend it flying. A little golfing, but mostly flying."

John feels like he's not sure where he's going with this or what is going to come out of his mouth next but he just lets his thoughts spill out, "See, my Dad had everything mapped out for me; I was supposed to get an advanced business degree at Harvard like my older brother. I was planning to go, I only applied to the Air Force Academy just to prove I could get in."

He narrows his eyes at Rodney, thinking of all the times Rodney's made digs about his intelligence, "It's actually pretty hard, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Rodney actually looks impressed.

"So, my senior year of high school I got pretty close with this guy, Tyler. He was… uh, pretty cool. Um, he was on the football team… I wasn't, not that year, had an injury during tryouts.

But, uh, we just had a lot of fun together, you know. And one day we cut class, fooling around under the bleachers. I don't know how it got started… I'd never done anything like that before. We were kind of wrestling and..."

John looks to Rodney for reassurance and sees the lack of judgment in his eyes.

He takes a breath, "We, um, like, gave each other… you know... like, hand jobs." John inhales and holds his breath, looking at Rodney again.

Rodney is nodding like it's no big deal.

"Somebody saw us." John explains, "Actually, I think it was a couple guys from the football team, but I'm not sure… You gotta understand that this was a very conservative, very religious upper crust private school. The kids there… their parents were really connected, politically and all, like my Dad.

I don't know what Tyler told people," John pushes his lips together and bites on the lower one. "-he wouldn't talk to me after that, but nobody messed with him. A couple days later, I got attacked by a group of guys from the football team. They got me pretty bad. Nothing was broken… Well, maybe a few ribs, I was pretty messed up. But the bad part-"

"Wait," Rodney interrupts, "that's not, the bad part?"

"No," John shakes his head, "the bad part was, my Dad found out... about a week later. People talk in those social circles, stuff gets around."

For some reason John finds himself offering a bit of an excuse for his father, "Back in the late 80's, this kind of thing with a family member could ruin political connections and business deals. It was like the kiss of death for someone in my father's position. And to my father, position was everything."

The memory of that fateful night comes flooding back to John. "I was in the office, working. Dad came home and, he wasn't really drunk, but he'd had a few. I didn't know what he was talking about at first when he told me to get out of the house. I guess I didn't get up fast enough, 'cause he started getting rough with me. Rougher than usual… He was screaming about how I ruined the family... Said he'd given me everything and I'd thrown it all away.

When I asked what I did, he just cold cocked me. I… uh, I was on the floor, and I remember him... looking down at me. The way he looked… It's seared into my brain…"

Holding his temples, John winces from the memory. He stares out at the waves of the ocean, feeling the old wound, the place in his heart that has been so broken and he feels like he wants to cry. He thought he'd cried himself out last night with his brother but the wound is open now, easy to reach.

"I just wanted him to love me…" John shakes his head sadly, "He never would have said it, even if he did… but I really wanted to be good enough to make him proud. And I wasn't… I was never enough, even before this all happened."

John leans forward, his head stooped into his hands. He feels Rodney move closer to him, pressing his chest up to his side. His arms reach around John's middle and hold him protectively.

Silent tears fall. They come easily and without resistance. John sniffs lightly and stays with his elbows propped over his legs. He doesn't want to risk moving and have Rodney let go. It feels like Rodney is wrapped around that wounded place in his heart.

"It's okay." Rodney whispers tenderly, as he rests his chin on John's shoulder.

Nodding, John lets the tears drop to his lap, "He looked at me with such... hatred. He told me I disgusted him and… he, uh, said…"

"Uh," John's voice gets smaller, "that all he felt for me now was contempt. That I wasn't his son anymore... To get the fuck out of his house and never come back…

...I was still on the floor. -I should have gotten up faster, but I just was so…"

John sees a tear rolling off his face. It hits his leg and makes a dark circle in the fabric.

He swallows and continues, "He grabbed me and it all happened so fast, he kept yelling the same things ...You know, to get out of his sight, that I'd never be welcome in his house again. He was hurting me and he looked like…

Uh, like, he was going to kill me. His rage was so out of control that I was really afraid he would. When he let go, I ran to grab what I could from my room.

On my way out of the house, he screamed his last words to me…"

John stiffens realizing something, "God, well, actually the last words he'd _ever_ say to me… He screamed, 'No son of mine is a fucking… FAGGOT'."

Saying it out loud, Johns' body shudders a little. No matter how often it's haunted him in his own mind, he's never said it out loud before.

" _Jesus_." Rodney softly exclaims, his body curling into John.

He can feel Rodney's protectiveness toward him. As John wipes at his tears, Rodney pulls him into a closer embrace and moves his hands in a soothing way across John's back.

Wanting to hold Rodney too and feeling that Rodney won't let go now, John repositions himself so he can wrap his arms around the man he so loves.

As John's chest falls into Rodney's, he lets out a long sigh. Rodney grips him tightly and guides John's head to rest on his shoulder.

Oh. This is better. John relaxes and lets the small trickle of tears leak from his eyes as Rodney moves his hands, softly caressing him.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"I'm so sorry, John." Rodney whispers in disbelief at the emotional horror of this story.

"That isn't bad." His voice gets louder as he continues, "That's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard. I'm never going to be able to feel sorry for myself again, and that's saying something." Stopping himself, Rodney feels stupid, this isn't the time for jokes, John needs love.

"You know," Rodney begins again, "considering what you went through, you turned out really amazing. You have so much to be proud of and I'm... God. I'm so sorry your father was so fucked up and couldn't see that."

He can feel John nodding against his chest and asks, "If you never went back, how the hell did you even make it own your own, after that?"

"Well," John speaks with his face buried into Rodney's shirt, "I had a little money my Mom left me when she died, and… I mean I, you know... just, grabbed up the essentials and took my car that night; it was in my name. I found a hotel in town to stay at and uh...

My last year's tuition was already paid, so it made sense to stay and finish my degree. But it was hell finishing up my senior year. There was a lot of name-calling, shoulder bumps in the hall, coughing 'faggot' and 'queer' as I walked by."

With a muffled voice, John continues speaking into Rodney's shoulder, "I didn't have any friends after that, but physically I didn't get attacked again. I was on my guard and strong enough to protect myself.

Since I'd already been accepted into the Air Force Academy, I decided to go. Free tuition and it was what I wanted anyway. I was just so scared they'd find out. I figured my Dad had more to lose than I did and wouldn't want anyone to know, but I was always so scared that someone would find out."

Staying silent, Rodney tightens his hold around John, waiting for him to continue.

Before long John finds his voice again, "My brother... He'd been away at college when it all happened. When he got back I tried to talk to him, to see if my Dad might forgive me. But he said it wouldn't change anything as far as Dad was concerned, my father was too disgusted with me and wanted me to stay away. So I didn't ruin the family name and condemn the rest of them with my 'acts of sodomy'.

I tried to tell Dave, that's my brother, that it only happened once. But Dave said normal people don't _ever_ do that kind of thing."

Rodney bristles in anger. No wonder John's been so afraid to deal with his feelings for men... or get close to anyone for that matter. He can't imagine how traumatic it would be to go through something like this.

"Oh," John mumbles, "and, Dave made it clear Dad wasn't paying for college but I knew that already. So, when I graduated from high school, obviously there was no one to see me off. I just left for Colorado, the Academy, and… I dunno. Guess I was on my own for a while."

John sighs, "Hmm... Well, more than a while I guess. I couldn't seem to figure out... you know, just never got the hang of getting close to anyone. When I met Nancy I thought it could be different, I really wanted to be... I invited Dave and my Dad to the wedding, you know? At least Dave came. I guess I thought maybe my Dad would forgive me if I got married.

"I mean," John quickly adds, "that's not the reason I _got_ married. I just thought maybe he would accept me then. There were a few times over the years that I tried reaching out to him, but he wanted nothing to do with me. After a while I accepted that and moved on. It was easier that way."

From the fragments of what Rodney knew before, he is beginning to piece together the patchwork story of John's life. The picture is becoming more complete. He remembers John mentioning an ex-wife, but he's said so little about it.

Wanting to understand the man he loves more completely, Rodney dares to ask for more, "What... What happened with Nancy?"

"She left. Like I said, I'm not great at... relationships, letting people in. And I was worse at marriage. After it ended, I mostly kept to myself, just easier being alone." John's tone changes and sounds sentimental, "But then, then I met Lyle. And that changed. For a while."

Remembering the heartbreaking story about Lyle, Rodney strokes John's back and moves with a slight rocking sway, "Where's... the good part? Please tell me there's a good part, John?"

"Yeah," He feels John nodding again, "So, my brother... We've barely spoken over the years. He told me that my dad…"

John's voice cracks and his breath hitches, "He said my dad didn't hate me. That he was just too much of a stubborn bastard to be wrong… but he always kept track of what I was up to. He even told Dave that he was proud. He actually said he was proud and regretted... Well, I don't know what he regretted exactly, it's too late to know now. I don't know if I'd have it in me to forgive the old man even if he was sorry, but knowing he didn't hate me...it..." John chokes, "But with Dave, we...

...Okay, the good part, this is the good part, I thought Dave hated me too. But he said he doesn't care about… that stuff anymore. That he was sorry about the past, he, he actually told me that he loved me for the first time in my life.

I mean, my family? There was no emotion, no talking about feelings, no weakness allowed. My brother's never said a sentimental word to me in his life. And yesterday? He fucking hugs me. He hugs me and says he's sorry and that he wants us to be closer."

Rodney can feel John's emotions radiating from him. He's astounded by how unguarded John is, so vulnerable and open, almost like a little kid.

"Okay. At least that part's good." Rodney holds John close, "And you're not, you know?"

"Not what?"

"You're not alone." Rodney clarifies, "Don't forget that, uh, you have me now. So you're not alone."

He can feel John softly crying as he tightens his grip, "Thanks."

As he moves his hands across John's back, Rodney tries to show the love he is feeling. It seems to soothe him and John speaks again.

"It's just so weird you know? I've spent all these years hating him because I thought he hated me… Mostly though, I just hated myself for all of it."

"Why?" Rodney feels disgusted, "Because of how horribly these people treated you or because of some archaic superstitious religion?"

"I don't know… I guess, I just felt, wrong. Like something was wrong with me." John takes a breath and adds in a low voice, "Ashamed and ...dirty."

Rodney thinks John needs the light of reason to shine through the cobwebs of his dusty past, "Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

"What?" John answers quickly, "No!"

Pleased, Rodney pushes forward, "Okay, because I'm attracted to men. I like women too. But I've done all sorts of dirty things with men and I'm not a bit ashamed of being bi-sexual." He feels John's face flush with warmth against him.

"I-I think, that's how, ah, I am too." John stammers, "That's how I feel -except for the being ashamed part."

With his mouth pulling down into a small smile, Rodney asks, "Do you think I should feel ashamed because there are still some backward bigots who believe in flying angels and a gold plated paradise?"

"No" John murmurs.

"Look," Rodney continues, "I get that you can't be open in the military about this, but that doesn't mean you need to hate yourself. I know from personal experience that you can let it go. It has nothing to do with who you choose to be with. It's about how you feel about yourself.

Okay sure, I'm a mess and I still have plenty of self-loathing. But it doesn't get wasted on something as stupid and trivial as this. Like, I wouldn't tell most people about my sexual preferences, for personal reasons. But at least I know there's nothing wrong with me when it comes to who I'm attracted to."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John is still for moment before he dares to ask, "Have you, uh, been with guys, a lot, before?"

"Well, I haven't been with a lot of people, male or female," Rodney admits, "but, uh, I have had a few serious relationships with men, yes. Well, 3, and technically that's a few."

"Serious… relationships?" John wonders what that would even look like.

"Yes John, some people like to have them. Although, these days I'm trying to stick with women, because they seem to like me better than men -which isn't saying much, I know…"

"You don't..." John asks hesitantly, "want to be with guys anymore?"

"Well," Rodney pauses, "being with a guy, physically, feels... great. I guess, the problem for me, was more… I just had some bad emotional experiences with men. But that's just personal stuff… The point is, I'm not ashamed. And I can choose to be with whoever I want to… provided, of course, that they meet the very NARROW criteria of being someone who wants to be with me, also."

Wondering if HE'S one of the bad experiences Rodney is talking about, John flushes again.

"What do you think... I mean, what do you think that you really have to be ashamed about?" Rodney asks.

Considering it, John pushes himself back off Rodney's chest. He peers closely into his eyes searching for an answer. And he can see the frank truth on Rodney's face, he really is guilt-free. John studies the expression trying to wrap his mind around this idea.

It's never occurred to him that it was possible to feel anything other than self-hatred about this stuff. Sure, he had wished it away and fought the shame. But in his heart he'd believed that something was wrong with him… twisted. Until now, he's never reflected on the matter enough to question where those feelings and ideas came from. Well, until now, he's never reflected on any of this at all.

"So?..." Rodney interrupts his thoughts.

"Uh," John shakes his head slightly, "yeah, let me…"

He sits back completely. What is there to hate himself over anymore? A religion he doesn't buy into? The spoiled kids from high school? His dead father's ideas about who he should be? Other than his fear of being fired from his career, John can't find an answer.

His eyes are dry now and they get wide as he looks at Rodney, answering slowly, "Nothing…"

"Right." Rodney gives him a huge grin of approval and his eyes light up.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

As John seems lost in thought, Rodney pauses to reflect on John's home life growing up. He looks at John with a new understanding of the forces that have driven him to create such armored walls around the guarded castle of his heart. It's gut wrenching to imagine him going through all that. He wishes he could have been there for John, when he was alone and had no one.

Rodney's thoughts bubble to the surface without realizing it, "I would have been your friend."

"What?" John looks back to Rodney in absent curiosity.

"It's just…", Rodney ventures, "I would have been your friend. I wouldn't have let you be alone."

John's face softens but Rodney feels the need to predicate, "I mean, I know you wouldn't have probably wanted to hang out with me, because, ah, I was much more of a dork and all, but I would have-"

An affectionate squeeze to his shoulders stops his rambling, "Rodney. I would have been happy to be friends with you… You're fun. We would have had fun."

"We _would_ have had fun." Rodney flashes a happy smile at John, "And I would have vanquished your enemies. Not with my physical strength, of course. But using the power of my mind, I would have devised some kind of laser… or maybe a paralytic pantsing device… Hard to say just now, but I would have made sure that no one messed with you… no one messed with us."

"Pansing device, huh?" John rolls back in laughter.

"Yeah. And we would have had a tree house."

"A tree house?" John looks amused.

"Yes." Rodney lifts his chin confidently, "A hidden fortification to retreat to. To plan secret missions and whatnot. I think a tree house would have been ideal."

"Yeah, a tree house." John smiles charismatically, "And we would have been good friends... the best of friends."

"Well…" Rodney's heart surges and he reaches for John's hand, "We're best friends now, aren't we?"

"Yes." John takes Rodney's hand in his and squeezes it softly, "We are."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John's eyes narrow in concentration, _'More than my best friend, you're everything to me Rodney'_

Then he blinks softly, gazing with immense love. Somewhere in the blue of Rodney's eyes is where John's real home will always be. It doesn't matter anymore what has been lost to the past, he has Rodney now and that's everything.

"Rodney?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks." The simple word is too inadequate. How could he ever explain the twisted emotional train wreck that Rodney has helped him untangle over all these years? How the last of the knot has finally given way with this unconditional acceptance and understanding Rodney's just given him. Rodney is his center, his safe refuge, the home John's never had before. Maybe a home that feels something like a treehouse fort.

Rodney is grinning and looking immensely satisfied with himself the way he does when he solves a difficult puzzle.

John breaks the stillness that follows, abruptly shifting gears to keep himself from begging Rodney for the chance to be more than just best friends; he slaps his hands to his knees, "Now. Do you want to play a stimulating game of golf?"

"You mean, putt the balls into the water?" Rodney makes a face.

Raising a finger to object, John thinks better of it, "Yes."

"All right," Rodney rolls his eyes dramatically, "Let's go then."

.

.


	68. I think that he loves you too

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.

At the end of the day, it's only natural for John to follow Rodney back to his quarters.

Half the time he spends the night on Rodney's couch anyway. It's almost like it used to be, before Katie.

But something about tonight feels different. After their talk on the pier, John's never felt so close to Rodney. He aches to hold him again so badly.

Just as he is wondering if there is a way he can find an excuse for them to do that on the couch, John notices something. Rodney is picking up the bedding from the side of the couch and putting the extra pillow back on his bed.

Does this mean Rodney wants the place to himself tonight? The question in John's eyes must be obvious because Rodney answers it.

"No, I don't want you to go… I, just thought, after everything that happened…" He nervously lowers his gaze, "I just thought maybe you'd want to sleep in the bed tonight?"

"Yes." John stills his excitement; the bed is a little too small for two people but he can't think of anything he wants more.

Rodney lowers his eyes again, turning around to continue fussing with the bedding.

Like he often does when it's this late, John grabs something comfortable from Rodney's cabinet to wear to bed. Feeling jittery with anticipation, he goes to take a shower and change.

Rodney is still acting nervous when John returns. He ducks his head with a small smile and quickly heads into the bathroom for a shower himself.

Unsure of what to do, John sits on the couch while he waits for Rodney to return.

Finally the door slides back open and Rodney enters wearing his boxers and a tee-shirt, "Hey."

His eyes get wide at John for a moment, then he walks quickly to the bed, getting in without another word.

Standing up, John clears his throat. Gingerly, he makes his way to the bed; he feels like he's being naughty somehow. Rodney just means to comfort him, but for John it is so much more. He's so completely in love with Rodney, he can't help but want more.

If he hadn't made such a mess of things before maybe they could have had another chance, maybe Rodney wouldn't have changed his mind about being with men.

He takes a breath to steady himself, then slides under the covers. There is an awkward moment of stillness as they lay there together on the small mattress. Then Rodney moves, his hands reach out for John and pull him in.

John melts into the embrace and wraps himself around Rodney's familiar form. They fit together perfectly; they always have. He mimics the soft movements Rodney is making across his back. God, he loves touching Rodney this way. If only he could reach up and kiss him.

But Rodney doesn't want to be with a man, especially not one that already hurt him. John leans into Rodney's neck to smell him and his lips accidentally brush across the skin. Rodney's hands tighten on him for a moment.

 _'Get it together, John. Don't blow this. Unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts'_

He tries not to let himself be overwhelmed by how desperately he loves this man. He focuses on the calming rhythmic sensation of Rodney's hands on him... nothing else.

Earlier when Rodney told John he wasn't alone... It was... Well, no one's ever comforted him that way. Probably it was the sweetest thing anyone's ever said. That, and the part about them being friends as kids, having a tree house fort together.

This may not be everything he wants, but John knows what they have is special. Nobody gets to see this side of Rodney except him… Certainly no one has ever seen this side of John. Only Rodney. He should be happy with what he has, but he still wants more. With Rodney... he wants everything.

Rodney shifts to his back and pulls John onto his chest. John's hands drifts slowly, lightly trailing the tips of his fingers over Rodney's tee-shirt.

"Rodney? " He ventures carefully.

"Yeah?"

"Would you tell me that thing you said before," Seeking comfort, John curls his limbs lazily around Rodney, "the thing about being forgiven?"

"Forgiven?"

"What you told me that night when I was… you know, after Lyle…"

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Sure." Rodney squeezes John close and pets his back protectively, "You are. Whatever it is that you think you've done wrong, the things from the past that haunt you… They're all forgiven. Everything is forgiven now."

"Everything?" John wants to feel the shame and guilt ebb away again; only Rodney has ever been able to make him feel that way.

"Everything. The ghosts, the regrets, whatever mistakes you thought you made…They've fallen away into the past, forgotten and forgiven. And so many of those things weren't your fault. I know you carried them, but they were't even yours… You've carried enough, for so long now. You can let it go. You've been enough, you haven't failed. And your father? That whole fucked up mess that you went through? Well, there's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect the way you are. So everything is forgiven now, okay?"

"How do you..." John feels his body shudder, "do that?"

"Hmm?" Rodney's hands stroke his back.

"Make it all go away." John whispers.

So much of the pain feels like it's lifted with Rodney's words. Not just the sadness and shame over his early years, that burden Rodney managed to dispel earlier today. But the guilt over his other failures, things he's carried with him so long, John almost thought they were a part of his identity? Rodney has the power to banish them all.

"I think," Rodney hugs John tightly, "I think when we're close… You can feel how I see you."

"Oh." John exhales deeply, his hand curling slightly up to the nape of Rodney's neck, "I like it."

He wants to keep holding on like this, never let Rodney go. His eyelids droop, in complete relaxation, feeling so tired now.

As John feels himself fading, he hears Rodney whisper, "Me too."

.

.

Over the next few weeks, John fantasizes about Rodney constantly. But he hasn't let himself stay over too often, and Rodney hasn't offered his bed again.

The nights John spends alone, he indulges in his fantasy that he and Rodney are together. Not just having sex, but really together.

Of course he thinks about the sex a lot too. When he strokes his cock, he doesn't even feel dirty for thinking about another man this way. And despite what Rodney said about not wanting to date guys, John is completely losing control of his feelings for him.

His fantasy is dimmed somewhat when Rodney comes back from an away mission with Keller and Sam, asking John for dating advice. He says Keller asked him out for a drink and wants to know what John thinks it means.

"How would I know what it means?" John says sourly.

"Well, because you're good with women. It's all effortless for you... You know if someone's interested, or how to get them interested. I can't tell if it was just the beer but it seemed like she was flirting… It really feels like she and I have some chemistry."

"I wasn't there." John frowns at Rodney, "But it just sounds like a drink."

He wasn't there, so he has no idea, but he doesn't want to lose Rodney again. He wants Rodney to be his.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney can never tell with these things. Usually he is so off base when it comes to who is attracted to him. But lately, he and John have been so close. If Rodney were judging by his own skewed sensibilities, he would say it almost seemed like John was jealous when he was talking about having a drink with Jennifer.

It feels like things between the two of them have reached a crescendo. Like they are vibrating right on the edge, and something is about to happen. Maybe John will... Maybe now things are different since John isn't as afraid of being with another man…

Rodney wants to reach out so badly, but he knows from past experience, that it's a bad idea when it comes to John. He's likely to shut down and run away.

Maybe if Rodney is patient, John will come to him. He can't help but indulge in his feelings for John, to nurse the hope that John could come to love him too. It's dangerous to let himself fantasize like this.

When he orders a King sized bed from Earth in hopes of coaxing John into it, Rodney knows he's truly lost it.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

After the Daedalus pulls the stranded Jumper into the hanger, Ronon heads down to see if John and Rodney are okay.

He smiles when he hears Rodney's voice yelling from inside. "Enough, already! We've been stuck here for God knows how long, and you haven't shut up, either of you! You just keep talking and talking… talk-a-talk-a talk-a-ta-."

As Ronon opens the back hatch, a man falls clumsily away from the door.

"Ronon!" Rodney calls from the front, looking thrilled to see him.

Another man asks, "Where are we?"

"Daedalus 302 Bay." Ronon tells them, "Saw you, scooped you up, heading back to Atlantis."

As Ronon walks into the Jumper, the clumsy man reaches out for him saying, "Thank God!" Ronon shoves him aside and makes a beeline for Rodney.

"Midway was destroyed." Rodney explains.

"Yeah, we saw. Where's Sheppard?"

Rodney opens the panel to the front of the Jumper. He jerks his thumb toward John's sleeping figure with headphones over his ears. "Lasted about a day, sealed himself in there."

As Rodney leaves, Ronon smirks, "No wonder he didn't hear the radio call."

Reaching over to the headphones, Ronon gives them a little rattle. John's arm twitches but he stays asleep. He can't resist reaching down to tickle John's nose. Suddenly, John jolts upright, blinking at Ronon with bleary eyes.

Ronon laughs as John takes off his earphones and points to the back of the shuttle, "Thank God! I almost shot myself with a stunner."

"Yeah, I understand." Ronon answers in amusement.

"Where are we?" John looks around.

"Daedalus 302 bay."

"What's the status of SGC?"

"Secure. T'ealc and I took care of the Wraith." Ronon assures him.

"I figured you would." John nods.

"Come on," Ronon gestures, "Let's get the hell out of here."

"Yeah" John stands up and follows him out.

"Oh, and I, uh passed my interview at the IOA." Ronon adds.

"Really?"

"Yeah, they said they liked me."

Slinging his jacket over his shoulder, John smirks, "Well, what's not to like?"

Ronon bites his tongue and waits until they are somewhere private before asking John what's been going on with he and Rodney lately. "So, I notice the two of you are spending a lot of time together these days…"

"Is it obvious?" John looks a little guilty.

"No." Ronon assures him, "Only to me."

John presses his lips into a silent grimace.

"So", Ronon teases "when are you going to tell him you love him?"

"Um, I wasn't… I mean, he doesn't want… He wants to be with a girl and get married."

"And you can't do that if you're both guys?"

"What, get married? No, you can't. At least not where I come from."

"Okay." Ronon frowns, "Well, how do you know he wants to be with a girl?"

"'Cause he just told me, specifically, recently. He doesn't want to be with men anymore."

"Just doesn't make sense." Ronon shakes his head, "I mean, the way he was with you back in Scotland…"

"That was a long time ago." John says softly.

"I just think…" Ronon stares at John pensively, "I think that he loves you too."

"Why would you think that?" John seems confused.

"I dunno. Maybe the view from the outside. Maybe you just can't see it."

"Well, you don't know him the way I do…" John looks up hopefully. "You _really_ think that?"

"I'm not sure, but yeah," Ronon gestures impatiently with his hands, "I kinda think so."

"I don't know why he would." John narrows his eyes, "I haven't given him much reason. I mean, when he tried to kiss me I pushed him into a wall. Well, not at first, I did other stuff to push him away. But then I literally pushed him and told him never to go there with me again."

"So, he wouldn't have much reason to think you'd be interested?"

"No." John lowers his head, "Guess not."

"And good reason not to try anything again." Ronon suggests.

"Yeah."

"Right. So, you'd have to make the first move." Ronon urges.

John winces, "After he tells me he doesn't want to be with a guy?"

"What's the worst that could happen? You think he won't be your friend anymore? Even though you've already slept together and stayed friends?"

"Huh…" John stares thoughtfully off into the distance, "You really think he could?…"

"Yeah." Ronon makes a face, "And if you don't take your chance to tell him how you feel, then you're an idiot."

"An idiot, huh?" John's eyes twinkle in amusement.

"Yeah."

"All right. Fuck it. I'll do it." John points a finger at him, "But if this goes sideways, you know who I'm going to blame."

"Idiot." Ronon chuckles.

.  
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	69. You haven't been forgotten

.

.

Even though he argued in favor of it, Rodney is apprehensive about the deal they made with their treacherous 'ally' Todd. As Ronon says, never trust a Wraith. Todd claims he just wants to find a cure for the Hoffan disease Micheal has modified, the one that is now killing humans and Wraith alike; he claims he merely wants to cure his Hive.

Still, there's no telling what else Todd intends to do with the research on the virus. All of Todd's deals always seem to have a hidden catch. But they have to find Teyla. And Todd was their only lead; he claimed to know a location, rumored among the Wraith worshippers, where Micheal is said to be holding a human captive.

When the team arrives there on the Daedalus, there is no signal from Teyla's subcutaneous transmitter. Rodney is disappointed but not surprised. Either Todd lied or Michael managed to disable it.

"Guess we'll have to do things the hard way." John sets his face in determination.

"Good." Ronon is resolute, "Let's do it."

Once they have beamed into the complex, the strike team encounters heavy resistance. Not from Wraith, but some strange humanoid-hybrid looking creatures. They clear their way through the halls but as the smoke clears there is no sign of Teyla.

John scowls, "She's not here."

"Are you sure?" Lorne gestures to a door at the end of the hall, "That guard was protecting something."

Rodney walks with John toward the door; he motions for Rodney to step away as he shoots the lock off.

Fiddling with the clasp for a moment, Rodney pulls it away. As John kicks the door wide open, Rodney does a double take.

He is totally unprepared for the face he sees inside the jail cell.

 _'Carson?'_

"Finally! It's about bloody time." Carson stands up off a cell bed, "What took you so long?"

.  
.

Back on Atlantis, Rodney stands with John and Ronon overlooking the room where Carson is in medical quarantine.

"It's just weird" Rodney is in shock.

Carson warmly smiles up at Rodney; he smiles back in commiseration. Poor Carson, he seems to have no idea that is supposed to be dead.

"You sure he's not a Replicator?" John asks Rodney.

"No, scans would have picked it up right away."

"Then who the hell is he?" John wonders.

It looks like his friend, but Rodney admits, "I don't know. Look, I'm as freaked out about this as you are."

"You don't really think it's him, do you?", John asks.

"No. Well, I mean… Maybe… Look, so we've ruled out advanced robotics. That still leaves us half a dozen possible explanations."

"Like?" Ronon asks.

"Well," Rodney speculates, "like alternate timeline, parallel universe, cloning, you know, take your pick."

John sounds leery, "Just another day in outer space."

Jennifer comes in to update them on her findings, "Well, we've completed the preliminary exam."

"And?" Rodney is impatient.

"Every test we've run confirms it. That man down there is Dr. Carson Beckett."

Rodney fingers the dog tags around his neck that John made for him. How could it really be Carson? They buried him back in Scotland.

It takes him a little while to work up the nerve, but later that evening he pays Carson a visit in the quarantine room. At first it is awkward; Rodney just apologizes for not coming by sooner.

"That's all right," Carson smiles, "I understand. Any word on when I can get out of here?"

"Ah, that might take a little time." Rodney feels guilty.

"Oh. Really?"

Overcome with emotion Rodney suddenly reaches out his hand, "God, it's good to see you."

Carson clasps him back, "Think about how I feel. I'm the one who's been a prisoner for almost 2 years."

"2 years?" Rodney asks softly, sitting down on the chair across from him.

"Aye. Since M8G-352. The planet where we left Michael and they other converted Wraith."

"Right." Rodney is confused, "That's where you were captured…"

"Well, yes. You do remember, Rodney?"

"Yes. Yeah, I just… Well, we need you to fill in some of the details."

"Oh, all right. Well, as you may have already guessed, the treatment was less than 100% effective. Despite their daily injections, some of them began to revert –including Michael. I think they may have used their Wraith telepathic abilities to summon a Hive ship, but I can't be certain. All I know is, I was being interrogated by Michael, then he must have given me an injection of some kind, because the next thing I remember, I woke up on another planet."

"Why did he take you prisoner?" Rodney wonders.

"He wanted me to help with his research, combining Wraith and human DNA… Of course I refused at first. But then, one day, he brought another prisoner into my cell. A young lady. Couldn't have been more than 20 years of age."

Distressed, Carson tells him, "He killed her in cold blood right in front of my eyes. He said every day I refused to help, he'd kill another just like her. From that moment on, I cooperated."

"Carson, I'm-I'm so sorry." Rodney whispers with empathy.

"It wasn't easy." Carson continues, "I'll admit, at times I almost gave up hope. But that's when I thought about you… Colonel Sheppard, Teyla, and the rest of the team. I knew you'd be out there somewhere looking for me."

"Yeah…" Rodney's heart sinks, "See the thing is, we weren't."

"Weren't what?"

"We weren't looking for you. We didn't even know you were missing."

"Excuse me?"

Rodney feels horrible telling this to his kind-hearted friend but he explains further, "We went back to M8G-352. We rescued you from Michael. I mean, he got away, but we got you back to Atlantis safe and sound."

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Carson leans back in his chair.

"Obviously, not you-you but another you, another… Carson Beckett."

"Is this a joke?" Carson smiles.

"I wish it was." Rodney murmurs sadly.

"You're telling me there's another Carson Beckett walking around this base?"

"Well, no." Rodney's eyes cloud with pain.

"Rodney!" Carson becomes impatient.

Looking away uncomfortably, Rodney tries to find the words, "He came back from the planet. He resumed his duties. Everything went back to normal. And about 6 months later, he…" Rodney's voice gets shaky, "was killed in an explosion… To us, you weren't missing, Carson, you were dead."

Carson reels in shock.

"I know this is a lot for you to take in…"

"Aye, you're damn right it is." Carson complains. "First you tell me I'm not the only Carson Beckett, and then you tell me the other one died in a horrible explosion… Oh my God. My mother! You didn't tell her, did you?"

"Well, yeah." Rodney answers meekly.

"Good Lord!" Carson exclaims.

"You were dead. I mean, I'm sorry to be blunt, but we buried you. I mean, there was a memorial service at her church. I was there."

"This can't be happening." Carson stands up panicking, "I have to get back there. I have to talk to her."

"No, you can't." Rodney stands up as well, "I mean, do you have any idea what kind of effect that could have? Besides, what're you going to say to her?"

"I'll say the Air Force made a bloody mistake! That's what I'll say."

"Carson-"

"No, Rodney, this is too much. Get Dr. Weir in here. I need to speak to her right now."

Rodney blanches and Carson stares at him demanding, "What?"

"I can't do that." Rodney's voice is small.

"Why not?"

"She's dead, Carson. She was killed by the Replicators. Sacrificed herself to save the rest of us."

Holding his stomach, Carson sits down slowly.

"I'm sorry," Rodney feels so terrible about this, "I… I don't know what else to say."

"You know, for the better part of 2 years I imagined what it would be like the day I finally got back to Atlantis." Carson pauses and stares bleakly, "This isn't exactly how I pictured it."

"Maybe not…" Rodney sits down next to his friend, "Maybe we weren't looking for you. But we were thinking of you.

See these?" Reaching down, Rodney pulls his dog tags over his head.

He holds up the picture of he and Carson laughing together. "This picture… I never forgot."

"I , ah, ahem," Rodney's throat closes in emotion, "I never stopped thinking about you."

As he hands them over, Carson recognizes the photo, "Hey. This is my picture, the one I had in my room."

"Yeah. The original went to your mother, but John had these made for me… You know, so I didn't have to say goodbye completely."

"Oh." Carson looks touched, his eyes a bit watery, "Rodney, that's very sweet… Actually, that's very nice, to know…"

Carson hands the tags back to Rodney.

"No, no. If you're really back then I want you to have them. You probably need them more than I do now."

"Really, Rodney?"

He nods in certainty, "To remind you that you still have friends here and you haven't been forgotten."

"That's very kind…" Carson examines the tags more closely, "You say John made these?"

"Or had them made, I think. Um, he was really good to me, helped me a lot, helped me get through it after I lost you."

"Oh. I see."

"Oh, no. Not like that. I mean, actually, I finally ended up dating Katie Brown for about a year, almost proposed before it all, you know, imploded because there was someone else that I had feelings for."

"Who?" Carson asks conspiratorially.

Rodney lifts his eyebrows hesitantly and Carson makes a face, "Still?"

"Yeah, I know. We're not together, I know we never will be. But, it's different now. A lot has happened in the last couple years."

"I imagine it has." Carson looks wistful.

Rodney doesn't go further into his complicated relationship with John. Instead he answers the questions Carson has about what's happened in the time he's been gone. Rodney tries to go gently in explaining some of the recent developments, but Carson looks like he's about to cry when he hears Micheal has kidnapped Teyla.

His reaction is even worse when he finds out that a new disease that Michael is spreading across the galaxy is based on Carson's original Hoffan vaccine.

"All of this is my fault, Rodney. I knew he was incorporating my retrovirus to create his army of hybrid monsters... but now I find out that the deaths of hundreds of thousands are on my hands." Carson chokes, "I'm no better than a bloody war criminal."

"No." Rodney grabs Carson's forearm to shake him from his grief, "Listen to me, you created that vaccine to help the Hoffans, you had no way of knowing Michael would find a way to modify it."

Carson shakes his hanging head but Rodney tightens his grip to rouse him, "Listen! We went back to Hoff. The planet was decimated, their libraries ransacked. I'm telling you, everything on the Hoffan vaccine had been purposely looted, none of the research was left. How were you going to stop him from getting his hands on that? You were a prisoner!"

"Everything I've done... the retro virus, the vaccine... Rodney," Carson sighs heavily, "I'm even the one who created Michael in the first place."

"Transforming Michael was Elizabeth's calll, you can't blame yourself for everything." Rodney squares his shoulders protectively, "Your work could still be the key to destroying the Wraith and we need you Carson. Listen, I've made my share of mistakes, modifying the nanite code seemed like a good idea at the time, but I didn't imagine the Replicators would start nuking human worlds to starve out the Wraith.

"But you said the Replicators are gone now."

"Because we didn't give up, I learned from my mistakes and kept going." Rodney releases his vice grip on Carson's arm and pats it gently, "You're still the best doctor in two galaxies and I can't have you giving up either, okay?"

Carson rubs the dog tags Rodney gave him between his fingers.

Why don't we try and see if they'll let us go up to the lab, see if Dr. Keller has more answers?" Rodney suggests.

Giving a relenting nod, Carson stands up, "Thanks for not giving up on me, even if I am... dead."

As the armed guards escort them out, Carson gives Rodney a wary look.

"Just protocol, you know." Rodney nervously shifts his eyes away from the guards, "Just 'till we clear you."

But the news from Jennifer isn't what they hoped, Finding out he is actually a clone, Carson becomes even more disheartened.

"And you're certain it's from my sample?" Carson stares at the results on the screen.

"I ran the tests myself, twice." Jennifer tells them, "There's no mistake… I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter." Rodney walks to Carson's side in solidarity.

"Well, that's easy for you to say," Carson's voice betrays his emotion, "but you're not the one who just found out he was made in a test tube."

"As far as I'm concerned, one of the best friends I ever had just came back from the dead." Rodney smiles at him, "I'm not going to quibble over a couple of telomeres."

"I thank you kindly for that, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm not the real Carson Beckett."

"No." Rodney persists in urging his friend not to give up, "No, you're not, because the real Carson Beckett wouldn't be standing here feeling sorry for himself. He'd be trying to figure out how to help us."

"I'm willing to do whatever I can, Rodney, but I'm not so sure that my help will be wanted."

"Why wouldn't it be?"

Carson looks back to the armed guards at the door and sighs.

.  
.

Rodney pleads Carson's case with Sam and John, but Sam seems to think Carson could easily be as dangerous as the other hybrids Michael manufactured in the lab.

"But there's no denying the fact that he's no ordinary clone." Rodney argues, "I mean, somehow, Michael has managed to reproduce his memories, his thought process, I mean, his personality. I spent some time with him, and I'm telling you, he-he's Carson."

Sam isn't convinced, "Doesn't necessarily mean it's safe to act on information he might give us. Look, he may genuinely believe he's helping us and still be playing right into Michael's hand."

"She's got a point, Rodney. What exactly is he offering?" John asks.

"He knows the layout of at least 4 facilities that Michael has on different planets. Apparently he likes to move around a lot, stay one step ahead of the Wraith"

"What about gate addresses?" John questions.

"Well, they blindfolded him every time they moved him, so he couldn't see the DHD. –Although he did catch a glimpse of an address dialed by one of Michael's mercenaries. That could be a place to start."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

As they all suit up to check out this mercenary planet, John can see Rodney watching Carson protectively.

"Go ahead, Rodney." Carson assures him, "I'll catch up."

Ronon walks out without a word and Carson asks John, "Is he ever going to say a word to me?"

"You gotta give him a break." John explains, "He's not good dealing with this sort of thing."

"What sort of thing?" Carson asks.

"Oh, you know, clones, duplicates, people coming back from the dead. We went through this with Elizabeth."

"Rodney told me. It must be difficult."

"He'll come around." John slides a clip into his handgun.

"Aye." Carson slings his backpack over one shoulder.

John moves to help him get the pack over his other arm.

"Thank you." Carson tells him, "I must be a wee bit rusty."

"You're not rusty, Doc." John jokes, "You were just never very good at this."

"Fair enough."

Walking out of the room, John feels Carson's hand on his shoulder, "Now, John, I just want to say… thank you. For trusting me. You'll have no regrets." Carson pats his arm in appreciation.

"Doc?" This time, John is the one stopping Carson from leaving.

"Aye?"

"You forgot your radio." John tosses him one of the electronic devices off the table.

"No regrets." Carson reiterates with a bit of chagrin.

Once on the planet, they get into a small shoot-out but manage to capture a man believed to be a Wraith worshipper. He is injured in the firefight but still alive when they get him back to Atlantis.

As they lift him onto a gurney, Jennifer gasps in recognition. She claims this is the man who got away from them on the planet where Teyla's people were kidnapped. He was Michael's spy in the Athosian village.

.  
.


	70. John's lips lightly graze Rodney's mouth

.

.

In shock, Rodney stands by Carson's bedside staring at his unconscious form.

Jennifer said he simply collapsed while assisting in the O.R. After giving Carson another scan she discovered very different results from his initial physical.

His body is breaking down. Cellular degradation on a massive scale, necrosis in the organs, it has something to do with Carson being a clone... _'No. No, he won't accept this. He can't lose Carson again.'_

Rodney's throat clenches, thinking of Jennifer's prognosis and her paltry 'treatment plan'. Some souped up vitamin regimen to help stimulate cell growth and extend his life a little bit longer. But not long, ultimately she says there is nothing she can do, Carson is dying.

There has to be another way, something they haven't thought of yet. He won't accept that it's impossible. And he wants to rage at Jennifer for saying so. Rodney stays by Carson's side, pacing and reviewing the schematics of the nanites that nearly killed Jeanie before Todd helped shut them down. He can't see a way to make them work, not with so little time... at least not yet. But there has to be something. He will come up with the brilliant idea to save Carson's life. He has to.

But when Carson regains consciousness and Jennifer is breaks the news to him, Rodney hasn't a glimmer of hope to offer.

Stunned, Carson admits that physically he has been feeling terrible.

Unwilling to accept this fatal prognosis at face value, Rodney questions Jennifer's medical line of reasoning, "Why is this happening now?"

"What do you mean?" She asks.

Turning to Carson, Rodney reasons, "You survived for almost 2 years with Michael. I mean, shouldn't you have felt some kind of effects from this condition before now?"

"Yeah, that's a good point." Jennifer also turns her gaze to Carson. "Don't take this the wrong way, but at the rate your cells are deteriorating, you should have died a long time ago."

Carson looks pale, meekly shaking his head; then his eyes get wide, "The weekly injection he gave me. He said it was a sedative meant to keep me from trying to escape. It must have been some kind of drug to keep my cells from deteriorating."

"You obviously don't have any of it with you?" Jennifer asks.

"No. Michael administered it himself, one dose at a time… but when Colonel Sheppard's team rescued me, it had only been 4 days since my last injection. Assuming it takes a full 7 days to break down…"

Jennifer looks thoughtful, "We scanned you when you got here."

"Exactly." Carson tells her, "And if the scanner was able to pick it up, we might be able to isolate it and create more. We need to get started right away." He moves to get out of the gurney.

"No, no." Jennifer stops him, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going?"

"We have work to do." Carson says stubbornly.

"No," Jennifer corrects him, " _I_ have work to do. You need to stay in bed. The less you exert yourself, the better."

"You don't seriously expect me to lie here and be useless when my own life hangs in the balance, do you?" Carson is incredulous.

Rodney has to admit he sees his point. Besides Carson is the best doctor in two galaxies. If anyone could figure this out it it's him.

Jennifer comes around too and stops objecting as he begins to assist her with analyzing the enzyme.

.  
.

With some coercion, the man they captured on the planet finally gives them an address where he believes Teyla is being held. Carson thinks he might know the site and makes a crude map of the interior facilities. But he says the complex is difficult to navigate and urges Sam and John to let him come along.

Feeling protective of his sick friend, Rodney protests the idea once Carson leaves the briefing room, "Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second. If he goes on this mission, it could kill him. We can't ask him to do this."

Sam gestures to the map, "We didn't ask him, he volunteered."

"Oh, give me a break." Rodney whines over her sudden change of heart to use him as an asset; she doesn't really care what happens to Carson.

"Easy, Rodney." John jumps in.

"I'm sorry," Rodney raises his voice in emotion, "I'm just a little concerned that we're willing to be so cavalier with his life because we think of him as some kind of a cheap copy."

"He's doing it for Teyla." John assures him, "Don't stand there and pretend that you wouldn't do the same thing if you were in his place."

Right. God he regrets urging Carson to stop feeling sorry for himself and help them figure a way to get Teyla back. He'd only said it to try to snap Carson out of his depression. But the thing is, he is acting like the real Carson, just as selfless and determined as ever. This _is_ what Carson would do.

Folding his hands into his pockets, Rodney surrenders.

.  
.

As the team gets ready for the mission, Rodney sees Carson nearly collapse in the hallway.

"Carson!" He runs over to him in panic.

"Rodney, I was just heading down to get geared up."

"Look at you." Rodney whispers in concern, "You can barely stand."

This is too much, he won't watch Carson kill himself before they have a chance to save him; Rodney's voice gets loud and takes on the tone of a command, "You don't have to do this."

"You said yourself, the real Carson wouldn't sit around worrying about himself when he could do something to help."

His body sags at the futility of it all, "The real Carson also never listened to my advice. Look, you don't have to prove anything, certainly not to me."

"I know that… Don't worry, I'll be fine." Carson turns to the armed guard behind him, "Let's go."

Staring numbly at Carson's retreating figure, Rodney feels frozen and powerless. He doesn't think he can take losing him again. he just can't. Jennifer and Carson were making progress in isolating the enzyme, but they need a lot more time to figure out how to synthesize it. More time than Carson will have if he goes on this mission. And more than they have even if he does stay behind.

He supposes Carson has convinced himself that that this is how he can atone for the things he's blaming himself for.

.

.

When they return from the mission, it is without Teyla. They fought their way through the hybrids, made their way through the maze with Carson's help... Even rescued the Athosains that hadn't been converted into hybrids yet. But Teyla? They missed her by moments, just close enough to see Michael's ship escaping.

Now back on Atlantis, Carson's body is shutting down completely. Their only option is to put him into a stasis chamber and hope that a cure will eventually be found.

Swallowing his sadness, Rodney tries to console his friend.

Carson is morose about the fact that he'd almost gotten Teyla to safety. He'd run off during the firefight to find her, even managed to take out the guards to get to her. But Teyla refused to leave with him when she had the chance. She wouldn't go without saving the father of her child, Kannan, who Michael transformed into a hybrid.

That was when Michael caught up with them. Teyla had begged Carson to shoot Michael. And he'd tried. But his free will seemed to be stripped away, he wasn't able to fire the gun. Before stunning Carson and leaving him for dead, Michael taunted him, saying that as one of his creations he was engineered without the ability to cause his creator harm.

"I had him in my sights." Carson laments from the hospital bed, "All I needed to do was pull the trigger."

"It's not your fault." Rodney assures him, "He made you receptive to the mind link. It's how he controls all of them… the hybrids." _'Shit, he wishes he hadn't said that last part.'_

"Still, it would have been nice to make a difference." Carson sighs in defeat.

"You made a difference." Rodney gestures emphatically, "We've got Michael on the run. It's just a matter of time before we catch up to him."

"Rodney-"

"Look, don't say anything. Okay, It's no big deal. You're going to go into the stasis pod until we figure out how to fix you." Rodney won't let himself think about losing Carson again; this is nothing more than a temporary setback in his medical treatment.

"I'm a doctor. I know my own prognosis. Once I go into that pod, there's a good chance I won't come out."

'Okay, maybe Carson's right, but Rodney can't face it. "Carson…" he gives a stuttering sigh.

"It's okay, Rodney." Carson pulls the dog tags up from around his neck, "I've still got these. So, I guess I'm not going in there alone."

"No." Rodney's lip trembles.

Carson looks up and sees the tears in his eyes, "Oh, Rodney." He reaches out and Rodney bends down to hug him.

There is so much he still needs to say, too much to fit into the time he has left. No, he has to believe there will be more time. Rodney tries to say something but all that comes out is a choked sob.

"Hey, now." Carson pats his back, "It's going to be okay."

"Sorry," Rodney blinks back the tears and stands up, squeezing Carson's shoulders, "I'm supposed to be the one telling you that."

He stares at Carson wondering if this is his last chance to be with his friend, "Okay this isn't goodbye, I'm just saying, when you get out, I'd love to go fishing with you because you're my best friend and I miss you."

"Fishing?"

"Long story."

"Okay. Well, best buddy, I guess I have that to look forward to. And I missed you an awful lot too."

"Okay, um, I'm going to go make sure the pod is in tip-top shape… and I'll, I'll see you later." Rodney excuses himself before he becomes a blubbering mess.

"Later." Carson smiles.

.  
.

Everyone is in the stasis room now waiting for Carson to arrive. Rodney has checked all the systems repeatedly, but he can't stop fussing. He looks up when he sees Jennifer wheeling Carson in; she helps him to his feet and keeps a balancing arm around his shoulder.

"Listen," she tells Carson, "we're going to keep working until we find a cure for this thing. I've got a whole team on it. Best people we have."

"Thank you." he whispers.

Either way," John speaks up, "we're going to get the cure, soon as we capture Michael."

Carson walks over to Sam, "Samantha, there's a letter in my quarters addressed to my mother. Don't worry; I was careful not to give anything away. Tell her you found it after you shipped my things. It's just some thoughts, things I should have said a long time ago."

"I'll make sure she gets it." Sam promises.

"Thank you."

As Carson turns to John, John grips his arm affectionately, "Don't you worry, Doc. We're going to have you out of there in no time."

"Colonel, bring her home now, you understand?"

"Count on it." John tells him.

When Carson walks over to Ronon, he hunches his tall shoulders forward saying, "This is exactly what I was afraid of."

"I know, big man. I'm sorry." Carson's voice is weak.

Ronon lurches forward and clasps him sorrowfully to his chest, then walks away in a stupor.

Finally, Carson reaches Rodney at the stasis chamber.

"Right, well," Rodney's eyes flit around uncomfortably "you won't feel a thing. Aside from a cool burst when the pod first activates. And your life signs will be monitored on this machine here 24/7."

"Thank you, Rodney.", Carson gets into position and looks at hims soulfully.

Speaking in a low voice, Carson tells the room, "I want you all to know that seeing you again these last few days, it was all worth it, no matter what happens."

Feeling a lump in his throat, Rodney begins mumbling about trying to program the stasis pod so Carson could dream of blonde women and fishing in the highlands.

"Rodney." Carson just shakes his head, "I'll be fine."

"That's right." Rodney points with forced enthusiasm, "You will be. You know, 'cause this is not 'goodbye', this is, this is, ah, 'see you later' That's what we agreed."

"Did we?" Carson seems confused.

"That's how I remember it." Rodney blinks back the emotion in his eyes.

"All right then…" Carson nods, "See you all later."

Typing into the keypad, Rodney sees a dim glow of light out of the corner of his eye. As he looks up, the hazy field closes over Carson's form, completely freezing him in time.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John has a little free time to kill before he meets his contact from the Genii. He decides to head by the lab to check up on Rodney, but when he gets there, Zelenka tells him Rodney's been injured and gone to the infirmary.

Leaving abruptly, John hurries to medical, finding no sign of Rodney. He asks Dr. Keller what's happened, if she knows anything about an accident in the lab.

She rolls her eyes, "It was a scratch, I sent him out with a Band-Aid."

"Well, you know how he is." John smirks.

"You know," Jennifer gets a funny look, "I used to think I knew… but now…"

"What do you mean?" John asks casually.

"Well, for instance, did you know, that for the last several weeks, ever since we put Carson into stasis, Rodney's been keeping him company? I accidently overheard him the first time. I thought he was in the room with someone. Then he got all flustered and embarrassed when he realized I was there. But it's really sweet actually, he sits there, updating Carson on all the latest news on Atlantis. I never would have imagined. It's" Jennifer smiles wistfully, "–I find him surprising, I never realized he had such a sensitive side to him, he's just so different than how he seems…"

Looking to John conspiratorially, she asks, "You guys work together a lot, you must know what I mean?"

John scowls and shrugs, "So, you're eavesdropping on him?"

"No," Jennifer looks guilty, "No, not… If I have a valid reason for going down there… Sometimes, maybe… I'll admit it, I'm a little fascinated by him."

A sinking feeling hits John in his gut. He doesn't like the idea of someone else knowing Rodney or seeing Rodney the way only John is supposed to. Maybe it wasn't just a drink. Maybe she _was_ flirting with him. Rodney belongs to him, and she can't have him.

"Well," He tells her, "I know him well enough to know that he'd be really upset if he knew you were spying on him. You should stop."

Jennifer looks contrite as John walks out to find Ronon; John thought Ronon and Jennifer were dating, they're often spending time together. So why is Jennifer 'fascinated' with Rodney?

"You here to fight?" Ronon looks up as John enter the gym.

"No, I just…" he walks in close, even though there is no one to overhear them, "How are things going with Dr.- with Jennifer? You two still hanging out?"

"Yeah" Ronon lifts his brows, "out all the time. I'm giving her sparring lessons and stuff. Why?"

"So are you guys …"

"No, not yet, I'm taking it slow after Allina."

"Yeah. Okay." John licks his lips.

"What gives?"

"Um, probably nothing… Uh, I was just talking to her and I got the feeling she…" John realizes he's being overly jealous, "You know what? It's nothing."

He turns to go but Ronon stops him, "What?"

John makes a quizzical face, "You don't think she could be interested in Rodney, do you?"

"No." Ronon laughs heartily.

"So, she's never given any indication… she doesn't talk about him or doesn't seem 'fascinated' by him?"

"Definitely not… But you never know. Better make your move soon, old man." Ronon teases, "How's that going anyway?"

John's shoulders sink. He hasn't done anything about it yet. He's been so close, so many times… Ronon is right; he's an idiot.

"I was actually just gonna-" John points to the door.

Sprinting back to Rodney's lab, John finds him sitting at his computer with a Band-Aid on his finger.

With the rush of it all, John's chest gets warm, thinking about what is going to say. He wants Rodney to be his so badly. Is it possible Rodney could ever give him another chance?

Stepping into the room, he whispers loudly, "Rodney."

Rodney looks up and John gestures for him to come out in the hall. Looking around, he realizes this isn't private enough.

"What?" Rodney asks.

"Rodney." John looks at him tenderly, pulling him to follow, "Come on. We need to go somewhere private."

"Okay."

His heart is beating so fast, as he pulls Rodney into the secluded alcove; Even though he is afraid, he lets the immense love and longing he feels come through in his voice, _"Rodney."_

But Rodney just looks flustered and oblivious. He doesn't know what's in John's heart. John will have to tell him. God. He can't think of what to say. How to... Maybe if he just...

Cautiously stepping closer, John tries to slow his breath as he lets his chest brush against Rodney's.

Falling back into the wall behind him, Rodney blinks with surprise. He is looking at John with shocked, wide-open eyes, but the expression seems receptive, waiting.

John leans in closer pressing his body to Rodney's, he lowers his head down to Rodney's neck and lets his lips brush against the soft skin.

He hears Rodney give a small moan.

That is encouragement enough; John lifts his cheek to brush against Rodney's face and whispers in his ear, "Rodney… I have to talk to you… I've needed to tell you for some time…" John's breath hitches.

"John…" The way Rodney says it sounds like an invitation.

"Oh God, Rodney."

John reaches up to cup Rodney's face with one hand and stares into those mesmerizing blue eyes. He could almost believe that Ronon was right, that Rodney could love him too.

"I, uh…" John stumbles, "Well, now that Carson's back…"

Rodney's eyes cloud with confusion.

"Well, if I'm not your best friend anymore, maybe… Maybe I could be something else?"

"Yeah." Rodney inhales sharply; his eyes get even wider, he seems excited "Okay."

John leans in, studying Rodney's lips. The lips he's wanted to taste for so long. His hands gently hold the sides of Rodney's face as his own lips fall into the spell, his skin lightly dusting the surface of Rodney's mouth.

"COLONEL SHEPPARD, PLEASE REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM." The com startles him and the sound causes John to jump back in alarm.

Now Rodney is making a pleading frown.

"I'm sorry." John reaches back to touch the side of Rodney's face, "forgot I'm supposed to be checking this lead on Teyla… It might be nothing, but if I miss the meet, we'll never know. It won't take long, I promise I'll be gone an hour, 2 tops." John lets the mask slip away, hoping Rodney can see the love.

And when I get back," He licks his lips, "I promise, we're going to talk."

"Talk?" Rodney wobbles and leans back into the wall.

Their lock eyes and it feels like Rodney knows everything in his heart. "Maybe more than talk?" John asks with flirtatious smile.

Rodney's eyes go even wider and he flushes red.

"COLONEL SHEPPARD, REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM" The intercom blares again.

"I'm..." John reluctantly moves away, "I'm gonna miss the rendezvous if I don't go now. But I'm going to be in your quarters in about an hour, okay?"

Nodding, Rodney gives an intoxicated grin, his face still flushed and red.

John races to get this intel mission over with as fast as he can. But in his mind he's already back, taking Rodney in his arms. He is lost in Rodney's eyes, home at last. Curling up in each other on the bed, he'll show Rodney how much he loves him, he'll confess everything and beg. Oh God, maybe Rodney will give him another chance.

He's been lost without him but it feels like he's finally coming home. It really feels like Rodney will give him another chance.

.  
.


	71. 48,000 years

.  
.

Tired of waiting for the Genii contact that never bothered to show, John tells Lorne and the others to stay behind, just on the slight chance someone might still arrive. If there is any clue to be delivered about Teyla's whereabouts, they can handle it from here. He has to get back. It's been almost two hours since his lips were brushing against Rodney's in that alcove. Even if it was only for a moment, they'd been so close too... God. John can't wait any longer, he's got to get back now and make the rest of that kiss happen. Make everything between them happen.

As John steps through the gate, his heart surges with emotion. His heart that belongs to Rodney. He's got to tell him how much... how long he's loved him... And maybe one day, when he's earned it, Rodney will love him back.

Atlantis is strangely warm when he steps through to the other side. The quality of light has changed, as if there is a red cast to everything. The gate room is empty so John calls over the coms, but no one replies. Reaching to one of the closed door panels, he finds it unresponsive and has to heft his weight before the metal creaks and finally gives way to the view outside.

The ocean is gone.

No. How can the ocean be gone?

John blinks. The ocean is gone and instead Atlantis is resting on a desert plain with nothing but a barren wasteland of sand in every direction.

Looking back to the control panels, John hopes to God this is some kind of practical joke. Otherwise... otherwise he's in serious trouble.

Finally Rodney's voice answers his call over the com, "Sheppard is that you?"

"McKay." John sighs with relief; Rodney will probably already have a solution for whatever kind of disaster happened in the short time he was gone.

"I can't believe it worked!" Rodney's voice bubbles in his earpiece, "It actually worked!"

Dazed, John asks what the hell is going on. _'And for that matter where the hell did everybody go'_

"I imagine you're a little confused right now." Rodney admits before gushing again, "God, for you, like, what, five minutes has passed?"

"Rodney!" John uses his inflection to denote his impatience at being kept in the dark.

But Rodney still doesn't explain, instead he asks John where he is and what he's seeing right now. So John describes the empty control room, explaining the power's gone out and for some unknown reason the ocean is gone.

"Sorry, what?" Rodney sounds shocked.

"The big blue thing out the window! It's gone. It's a desert. And it's about 120 degrees in here."

As Rodney speculates about how the planet must have undergone some climate changes, John demands his answers.

"Okay, look," Rodney sounds sympathetic, "I understand this is hard for you. Just do me a favor and go to the Hologram Room."

John runs down the corridors until he reaches the place. Rodney says the room is connected to an independent power source. Upon reaching his destination, John immediately activates the console. Finally some lights come on.

"Hey there." John hears Rodney's voice in the room with him and spins around.

 _"Rodney?"_ John gasps.

He looks like he's aged a couple decades. The face is familiar, but it's not _his_ Rodney. Not the face he almost kissed earlier today, but a shadowy ghost of some distant future McKay. _'What is this?'_

"God, it's good to see you again." McKay's wrinkled face smiles back at him.

"You're a hologram." John backs away from the unfamiliar form.

"No." McKay jokes in mock surprise, lifting his hands out of the simulated cardigan pockets to look at them, "Of course!"

Too stunned to speak, John lets McKay fill the silence with his chatter, "I'm tapped into the city's internal sensors, so I've got eyes and ears, so to speak. You look good."

"You look… different." As John moves his hand out to touch the image of this older McKay, it ripples to his touch.

"That's because you remember me the way I was."

"What, you mean earlier today?" John can still feel Rodney's face leaning against his, the electric sensation of his breath against John's skin. He needs to find Rodney. Right now.

"It's funny, you know?" The hologram looks wistful, "I spent the last 25 years of my life trying to figure out how to make this work, and I never once thought what I was going to say to you when you got here."

"Start by telling me what the hell's going on here." John raises his voice in growing alarm.

"Right, right," McKay putters and goes on to explain that the disturbance of a solar flare through the wormhole caused John to travel forward in time.

About 48,000 years forward in time.

 _'Well there is no way this is real'_ John's heart races, "This is a practical joke."

"I'm afraid not." McKay looks repentant, "Freak accident. Sorry."

John loses it completely. Any last bit of control he was holding onto. Furious that this could have happened, he yells at the hologram.

The projection pleads with him to calm down and suddenly John finds himself contemplating something even more horrible.

His mouth falls, "If I'm in the future... " He licks his lips nervously at the growing dread in the pit of his stomach, "that means you're…"

"Dead." McKay finishes the sentence pragmatically.

John's eyes cloud in grief. No. No, this isn't real. _'Rodney.'_

"Dead and buried and turned to dust a long, long time ago. Along with everyone you ever knew."

No, Rodney was right there next to him, just hours ago. John can't process this; he refuses to accept that Rodney could be gone, ripped away from him before he ever got the chance to... God. _'Rodney.'_

"There's no way of knowing what the state of human civilization is, whether it even still exists." The hologram continues, "I mean, we've obviously abandoned the city."

"Yeah, obviously." John begins to accept that he's alone in this place. This is real and he's alone. Completely alone. _'Rodney'_

There isn't even enough power to gate back to Earth, and God knows what he'd find trying to gate somewhere nearby in Pegasus. But none of this is as terrifying as the thought that Rodney is actually... gone.

"It is entirely possible that you are the last human being alive." The hologram proposes.

"You're not doing a very good job of cheering me up here." John's eyes go wide in distress. _'Rodney where are you? Come back to me.'_

The hologram begins reassuring him that he has a plan.

Of course Rodney would have a plan. He always has a plan. In a small way John starts to feel like he has Rodney back, like the real Rodney is answering him through the hologram as it explains in the same long-winded way the real Rodney would.

Rodney created this advanced hologram technology along with a time capsule of supplies buried in the foundation of the city. The plan is to send John back in time, but in order to do so, they have to wait for the next solar flare.

The hologram has predicted when the next one will occur. About 700-1,000 years, so John will go into a stasis chamber in the meantime until they can-

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." John interrupts as he and Rodney walk through the halls, "That's your plan? I'm 48,000 years into the future, and you want to put me on ice for another thousand?"

"Tops. Well, we need to be precise. If I don't get you back within 2 months of the moment you left, then it'll be too late."

"Too late?" John is confused, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Things didn't exactly go well for us after your disappearance." Rodney looks pained, "Once I figured out what happened to you, I realized there was nothing we could do." the holographic voice actually sounds shaky and emotional, "The Air Force pronounced you KIA, gave you, a very nice military funeral back on Earth. Obviously, the casket was empty, but you know, it's the thought that counts. From there…

Well, from there, things went from bad to worse." Rodney sighs.

He goes on to tell John about how they failed in their search for Teyla, finding her dead after she had given birth.

Blaming himself, John becomes distraught.

"It's not your fault!" Rodney tries to calm him.

 _'But it is his fault, he let Teyla down, lost Rodney...'_ "I should have been there."

"And you will be." Rodney promises, "And knowing the address where we eventually found Teyla, you will be able to get there much quicker. You'll save Teyla, save the baby, change the fate of the galaxy".

"What do you mean?" _'Change the fate of the galaxy?'_

Rodney elaborates, that was the turning point to everything. Once Michael had access to the unique genetics of Teyla's child, he was able to perfect his hybrid army and overrun the galaxy.

At first Atlantis was focused on trying to stop Michael from exposing more humans to the modified Hoffan virus. But by poisoning the Wraith's food supply, he decimated the Wraith and human populations alike. Most of the surviving humans were converted to join Michael's army of hybrids. And by then it was too late.

John and Rodney stop dead in their tracks. The hallway ahead is filled with overflowing sand, the way through completely blocked. When John asks what they should do now, the hologram seems at a loss.

"I don't know." the hologram answers in dismay.

"What do you mean you don't know?" John asks in annoyance. Rodney would know; Rodney always comes up with a plan.

Hologram Rodney gets defensive, "Well, I wasn't programmed for this variable."

"You said you had 25 years to work on this plan!" _'Rodney please come back to me'_

"Well, McKay did, and he brilliantly anticipated a lot of potential problems." The hologram defends his creator, "It's just that… Well, this wasn't one of them."

Nothing is going to stop John from getting back to Rodney, he'll find his own damn way back, "All right." John sighs, thinking as he walks, "Go up 2 levels, turn right, there's an outer door. It's only a quarter of a mile across the plaza."

"You can't do that."

"Why not?" John turns and looks back.

"Not only is it extremely hot out there, but for the last half an hour, the barometric pressure has been dropping and the wind speeds have increased significantly."

"Storm's coming." John understands but he isn't going to let that stop him from getting home to Rodney.

"A sandstorm. You ever been in one of those?" The hologram challenges.

"As a matter of fact, I have." Obviously Rodney didn't program this hologram with the memories John shared with him about Afghanistan.

"Oh." The hologram sounds a bit humbled, "Oh, then you know what that means."

"It's not like we have a lot of options here." John turns to go, heading in the direction that will take him back home.

But as the two of them approach the section near the exterior where John plans to cross, the shrill gale of the howling wind gives him pause, "Sounds pretty nasty out there." he admits.

"The winds are gusting over 50 miles an hour and increasing. The visibility's basically zero. You can't go out there. We're just going to have to wait it out."

"For how long?" John is hesitant to wait any longer; it's already been 48,000 fucking years.

"Well I don't know. Maybe a couple of hours?" Rodney offers.

"Are you hungry?" the hologram leans over John's sitting form in a protective manner, "Do you have any food?"

"No." he'd have made sure to bring a Powerbar if Rodney had been coming with him; even for a such a short mission, John always plans ahead for Rodney's dietary needs.

"Oh." Rodney thinks, "Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter anyways. We'll just wait for the storm to blow over and have you out of here in no time at all… Well, you'll actually be here for 700 years, but you know what I mean."

John comforts himself with the knowledge that Rodney's put so much planning into finding a way to bring him back. Even when John had been lost in time, Rodney spent his life working on a way to bring him home. John remembers how he once promised Rodney he'd never leave him. He supposes he's failed that promise, but even still, Rodney's never left him.

He'll make it all up to him; John will keep that promise, he has to. Rodney's absence is an ache of unbearable emptiness, a physical pain gnawing at his insides. He aches to be holding Rodney right now, taking that kiss that he's been waiting so long for. But this nightmare will end soon, like it never happened. He'll walk through that gate and no one will ever believe John's story.

"What about everyone else?" John asks, "I mean, you told me about Teyla, but what about the rest of them? There's no way we would have rolled over and let Michael take over the whole galaxy."

"No." Rodney gives John a sad smile.

"Well, what happened?" John looks up to the hologram wondering what else went wrong.

The hologram explains that the IOA and military weren't interested in committing the resources necessary to protect another galaxy. Sam fought on bravely as best she could but died heroically taking out three of Michael's Hive ships. Recounting the past seems to make the hologram sad, if a hologram can be sad. After that it disappears for a time to take sensor readings and analyze data for the solar flare.

.  
.

Determined not to wait any longer, John grabs his handkerchief and ties it around his face, "It's going to have to do for now. Open up the door."

"What about the storm?" Rodney balks.

"It's been going on for seven hours. For all we know, it could go on for days." _His_ Rodney would understand. His Rodney is back in his quarters right now, waiting for John to finish what they started.

"It'll be dark soon," Rodney complains.

"All the more reason to get going. All I got to do is walk in a straight line."

"That may not be as easy as you think!"

"I never said I thought it would be easy." John refuses to give up, "Look, I haven't eaten. I was hungry on my way to Atlantis. The longer we wait, the weaker I get."

"All right." Rodney gives in, "Look, I can't go outside but I can stay in contact with you over the radio."

Placing his sunglasses on his face, John hopes between them and the handkerchief, they'll provide some protection from the storm. A wall of suffocating heat hits him as he opens the door. To protect himself from the blinding effect of the sand, he puts his arms up and heads out into the gale.

Behind him, Rodney shouts some words of encouragement, "Like you said! Keep walking in a straight line! You'll hit the building on the other side! Then feel your way to the door! I'll be waiting for you there!"

As he walks in halting steps against the wind, some of Rodney's words hang in John's mind. _'The other side',_ that was the phrase Ronon once used to describe what it would be like for John to make his way past his fear, to let go and let himself be with Rodney.

 _'I'll make it to the other side. I'm already there Rodney, I'm already there with you.'_ And John reassures himself that Rodney will be there too, waiting for him on 'the other side'. Even through 48,000 years.

"Sheppard. Sheppard can you hear me?"

"Yeah, I hear you!" John shouts into the wind to make his voice loud enough to be heard over the com.

"How you doing?" Rodney's voice sounds worried.

 _'Fucking great, it only feels like he's inside the sun.'_ John stumbles to the ground but pulls himself back up and manages to find enough air to answer, "Never better!"

Just a straight line. One very long, scorching straight line. John continues on his journey to 'the other side' but he can barely breathe now.

 _'Just a little further, I'll find my way back to you Rodney.'_ His concentration is slipping andJohn can feel his strength failing.

"Rodney!" John needs to focus on something to keep himself from losing consciousness; if he doesn't keep going he'll die out here, sinking under the sand.

"Yeah, I'm still here." the answer comes over the com.

Okay. Okay, good. Something to keep his mind from fading, "Tell me about Ronon", John squeezes the words through his choked airway.

"What, now?" Rodney asks.

"Yes, now." John yells to be heard against the howl, "Talk to me, Rodney!"

Hearing how his friend met his end isn't what John was hoping for. It's unfair that Ronon himself doesn't end up making it to 'the other side'.

But it will be different once John gets back. Like Rodney, Ronon is still there expecting John to step through the gate. He'll return to them and change everything. What did the hologram say? 'The fate of the galaxy.' That too.

The other Ronon in this timeline left Atlantis. There wasn't much reason for him to stay after John and Teyla, his closest friends, had died. And he wasn't about to let the IOA stop him from fighting back against Michael and the hybrid-wraith army.

Even though it isn't _his_ Ronon, John's proud to know he trained a small army of warriors and made such a difference. That Ronon died sacrificing himself for the cause... Well, that's what _his_ Ronon would have done too.

At least he took one of Michael's key labs with him in the explosion. As a result Ronon's men were able to make it back with the key intel they went in for.

"I'm sorry," Rodney sounds disheartened by the end of the tale, "I… I wish some of these stories had happier endings... Sheppard?"

"Sheppard! Are you still with me?... Sheppard!"

Beaten down into the fury and fire of sand around him, John collapses. He can't breathe anymore; all his strength is gone now.

As he fades away, the mournful thought that he's failed Rodney is the last thread of awareness that John's mind clings to... it lingers, like a wisp in the storm, before he is gone and disappears completely into oblivion.

Something kicks air back into his lungs.

Coughing out sand, John wonders how he is alive.

Is he being lifted? He feels his body pulling up, away from the sand that has drifted over his half buried body.

Barely aware of his surroundings, John only feels protected and cool, he can breathe again. Blinking through the haze, he sees something... a glowing light.

"Not that much further now." Rodney's voice urges him.

But the voice isn't coming from the com. It isn't the hologram, is it? It sounds like Rodney is here, outside with him.

"Where?..." John is on his feet moving forward with a strength that is not his own.

Is he hallucinating? He feels himself about to fall and again the cool light lifts him, propelling him forward.

"Don't give up. You're going to make it to the other side." This time the voice sounds like his own. He's definitely hearing things that aren't there.

Somehow John glides forward easily the next few yards. In the distance, he finally makes out the shape of a door. As he gets within reach, the vision of light around him begins to dim.

Just short of his destination, John's sinks to his knees.

He's too tired, but he's almost there. If he can lift himself up one more time, just make it a little longer...

The door opens and John stumbles in. Battered and sandblasted, he falls forward to the ground.

"Your biosignature's barely registering! Sheppard! Oh, God!", John can barely hear Rodney's panicked voice.

He tries to hold on to the distant sound, to stay lucid, but everything slips away...

Maybe he's still out there under the sand... John wonders if this is what it feels like to die.

.  
.


	72. Been a pleasure

.  
.

Slowly, John feels himself waking and tries to move. God. His whole body is sore... but he's not outside anymore, not buried under the sand at least... there's a floor... a very hard floor underneath him. Stirring as much as he dares, he labors with pained noises.

"There you go. You can do it." he hears Rodney's voice there with him, encouraging him.

John twists himself and rolls over onto his back to see Rodney hovering next to him.

Pulling the dusty handkerchief from his face he gasps weakly, "Rodney?"

"I'm still here." Rodney bubbles nervously, "Look, I'd help you up, but I'm...I'm, uh…" he gestures his hands in futility to demonstrate the fact that he is a hologram.

"How long was I out?" John groans and pushes himself against the wall, using it to gain enough leverage to sit.

"All night." Rodney sounds relieved and worried at the same time, "Look, you don't look so good. Maybe we should get you to the stasis chamber as soon as possible."

"Agreed." John answers hoarsely with a dry and scorched throat.

When he's finally able to stand, the two of them make their way to the stasis chambers and Rodney shows John a data crystal loaded with intel on _this_ future's past dealings with Michael. It's everything they'll need to defeat him, save Teyla, and with a little luck, change the fate of the galaxy. He smiles thinking of how excited Rodney will be to get his hands on this.

First he just needs to escape from this nightmare world... the one where Rodney is dead and gone. He needs to kiss him, to feel Rodney close, and make it all real again.

Probably Rodney will scoff at the idea that he'd ever spend 25 years working on a way to bring John back. But somehow John will find a way to convince him he was worth it.

And probably Rodney will interrogate him endlessly about his future self; likely he'll want technical specifications on how he created an interactive hologram as well. John suddenly realizes he doesn't actually know much about what happened to Rodney in this alternate future.

"You know, you never told me what happened to you. "John furrows his brows at how convoluted it is dealing with these two timelines in his head, "I mean, in the past."

"Oh, you don't want to hear about that." Rodney is dismissive.

"Well, why not?" John is curious and Rodney will want all the details; since he avoided a tragic death, his future couldn't have been too bad, "Obviously, you survived." John prompts.

"Only because I quit." Rodney answers bitterly.

"Quit what?" John doesn't quite understand.

"Atlantis, Stargate Command, the whole thing."

"Well, that doesn't sound like you." John is genuinely surprised, Rodney's job is everything to him.

"Yeah. Well, we were under new management." Rodney sounds resigned.

He tells John that after Sam died, that Mr. Woolsey from the IOA became the new commander of Atlantis. Woolsey was less than compassionate about dedicating resources to help with the new strain of Hoffan virus Michael engineered.

He scaled back Jennifer's medical department and turned Atlantis into nothing more that an observation outpost to collect Ancient artifacts. Only interested in defending Atlantis itself, Woolsey let Michael inflict terror on Pegasus unchallenged.

To justify his policy, Woolsey recited the list of the dead: Colonel Sheppard, Colonel Carter, Ronon, Teyla…

"I tried to tell him that technically you weren't dead, but… You know. He was right, everyone was gone and there was no reason to stay and watch the galaxy come apart. Jennifer was really torn up about not being allowed to continue working on a cure to the Hoffan virus. When she resigned, I realized that I felt the same way she did. Just standing by and letting others suffer was… unbearable, really.

We had three weeks on the Daedalus with nothing else to think about but everything that had happened. We went over it a thousand times, trying to imagine what we might have done differently. It was awful…

"Well," The hologram appears somewhat sentimental, "at least we had each other. By the time we got back to Earth, well, we weren't just colleagues anymore."

"Wait a minute." John's stomach flip flops; when Rodney had been speculating that Jennifer was flirting with him, he hadn't taken it seriously. "You and Keller?"

' _Shit. So this is who Rodney ends up with, he gets his white picket fence happy ending after all?'_

"Why do you find that so surprising?" Rodney looks offended.

"I'm just saying... " John ventures uncertainly, "If you start monkeying around with this timeline here, there's no guarantee it's going to turn out the same for you two."

"That's what I'm counting on." Rodney's expression becomes grim.

"Why is that?" John whispers sadly, "You survived, you got the girl. Doesn't sound so bad."

"No. No, at first, it was great." a bright smile flashes across Rodney's face, "I got a high-paying job with an aerospace engineering firm, Jennifer started her own practice… Things were just starting to come together.

We should have known we wouldn't get off so easy." Rodney's expression turns to one of pain, "Of course, no regular doctor could diagnose what was wrong with her. We wound up back at Stargate Command, less than a year after we'd left. Complications due to repeated exposure to the Hoffan drug. No cure. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I didn't know what to do.

After everything we'd been through, to have this happen? It was too much.

And that's when I had my idea. I told Jennifer that I had come up with a solution to change the timeline, to fix everything so that she wouldn't get sick. She tried to tell me that, what's done is done, that I couldn't change the past. But she didn't understand that I could, that I would, even if it took the rest of my life.

She was brave, telling me that she'd had a full life and didn't have any regrets. I looked at her beautiful face and told her that I did. I had a whole boatful of regrets that I wanted to do something about.

She made me promise not to spend the rest of my life chasing after something that was already gone. She wasn't gone yet… but I knew she didn't have long." The hologram's eyes flash with pain as if it only happened yesterday; as if all the sadness his creator felt has lost none of it's acuity from the day Jennifer died 48,000 years ago.

 _''This changes everything'_

Somehow those words from the past echo through John's mind. Back then it meant something else entirely, but now... listening to Rodney's story, the ache in John's chest has become a different kind of hurt. Not just a temporary separation from the man he loves, but instead a chasm of loss deeper than he thought possible.

His insides are caving in and he's falling, buried under the ruins of his own castle, crushed under those stone walls that Rodney once said John kept fortified around his heart. Maybe this is how Rodney felt when he lost his future with Jennifer? John's loved Rodney for some time now... more than he's ever loved anyone... but how can it compare with what Rodney feels for Jennifer... to have spent 25 years working on a way to bring her back from the dead...

Rodney looks to John with a pleading expression "I tried to tell myself that I would honor her wishes, but I couldn't let it go… She died three days later.

I quit the research firm, took a job teaching physics at a local community college. Not much money, but it gave me the free time I needed. I'll admit it wasn't much of a life.

Jeanie came by every once and a while to check up on me. When she realized she wasn't going to be able to convince me to stop, she decided to pitch in with the calculations. But eventually even she got fed up.

I never wavered.

Years went by. 25 years to be exact."

John lowers his head in grief, suffocating under the crumbling walls, too heavy with the burden of knowing that Rodney doesn't... and won't ever love him. He is bare and empty, with nothing to protect him from the agony twisting through his heart, he'd thought Rodney did all this because...

 _'God. It was all to save Jennifer. She was... she IS the love of Rodney's life, it was never him.'_

"And suddenly I had it." Rodney's expression brightens again, "There was only one problem. I needed to get back to Atlantis. I didn't have a lot of friends at Stargate Command. But I only needed one... General Lorne."

To keep the moisture in his eyes from spilling over, John quickly looks up.

His love for Rodney was never anything more than a paper ring... an empty substitute for what Rodney really wants and deserves... the marriage, the kids, the, the, all the ways Jennifer can make him happy that John can't. He just imagined that, no... No, deluded himself into seeing things how he wanted them to be, missing the obvious clues, how much Rodney and Jennifer have in common, how clearly they're meant to be together... _'_

 _'Focus John'_ He can't think of himself now. It's about Rodney and Teyla, Ronon... the entire fate of Pegasus.

"Maybe he felt sorry for me," Rodney continues as if he still doesn't quite believe it himself, "maybe he figured it wasn't going to work anyway, but he let me through...The rest you know."

John's head hangs again for a moment, but he pushes past the selfishness of his own pain. "Well," his voice is muted in sorrow, "I guess I've had a tough day, but you've had a tough 25 years."

He has to honor Rodney's dedication for Jennifer... To have spent his whole life alone, toiling, waiting to bring her back, obviously he's suffered more than John can begin to imagine.

"Okay, we're ready." Rodney changes the subject abruptly.

As John steps into the chamber, he feels like part of him has died here in this future world, still buried out there under all that sand. The life he thought he had, or could have with Rodney... it's gone now. No. Not that. It never actually existed. Because John's never been enough.

That's been true about everyone and everything in his life. He's failed everyone that mattered. Especially Rodney. All he can do now is try not to fail him in this. He'll save Teyla and her baby, he'll change the fate of the galaxy... and he'll do everything he can to make sure Rodney gets to be happy with the woman he loves.

He can do this.

"Now if this works," Rodney is saying, "I'll be waiting right here when you come out. We don't have much time to get you through the gate, but I think we can manage it."

"And if it doesn't work?, John swallows hard and forces himself to go numb.

"Well, you won't feel a thing." Rodney is pragmatic, "Basically, you just won't wake up."

"Right." That's the trick, just getting back to the place where he doesn't feel things; and if he doesn't wake up... well, the thought of dying really doesn't bother John much right now.

To lift the gloom that has settled around them, John tries to ask a few lighthearted questions. It doesn't help. Not that hologram Rodney would care if John suddenly broke down and started crying like a fucking baby.

The last thing he sees is the hologram sadly lifting his hand as if to say goodbye... John's always hated goodbyes...

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney is in the gate room when Sheppard's IDC comes through. His heart leaps.

 _'John!'_

He's been so frantic ever since he went missing, so afraid that...

Pulse racing, he runs down the stairs with Sam. God, oh God, let it be him. It's got to be.

Watching the event horizon anxiously, suddenly John is there.

Dusty and disheveled but alive and in one piece. Rodney feels faint with relief. He'd thought this time he might have lost John for good.

But he's here now and Rodney is making sure he never loses him again. As soon as John has finished with his debrief, Rodney is gong to take him back to his quarters and finish that 'talk' of theirs.

"It worked." John is saying to him, "Rodney, you're a genius."

"Okay." He squeaks out in confusion "What worked?"

He wants to run up to John, to grab him and kiss him and scream at him for being gone all this time. But he's frozen in place as John walks toward him.

"John," Sam asks,"What happened?"

"How much time has gone by?" John asks her intensely.

"You've been missing for 12 days." She answers the obvious.

Rodney blinks in confusion. How can John not know how long he's been missing? What the hell happened to him?

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"12 days. 12 days." John frantically thinks through Rodney's plan and the timeline of events to come, "Okay. She wouldn't have had her baby yet. Look, I know this sounds kind of weird, but we're on the clock."

"John what are you talking about?" Sam looks perplexed.

"I know where Teyla is." he tells her intently; he desperately needs Sam to believe him and they need to hurry.

But Sam sends John to be cleared medically before considering anything else he has to say.

Frustrated, John feels the pressure to make sure things don't go wrong again. It's why Rodney brought him back in the first place.

Instead, Sam wants to have all these discussions and tests. It's driving him crazy trying to convince her.

Finally, Rodney verifies the solar flare activity that interfered with John's wormhole 12 days ago; Sam relents and lets John put his mission together.

Since being released from the isolation room, Rodney has been trying to talk to him privately. John refuses to discuss anything or let himself be alone with him. He can't even bear to look at Rodney right now. The sight of him is breaking his heart, and John needs to stop it, stop feeling. He just... can't.

The urgency of the mission is a good excuse. He tells Rodney that everything has to wait until they have Teyla back safe. He even tries to avoid Rodney's most innocent questions, evading as much conversation as he can.

Rodney backs off a bit but as they are headed for the gate, he turns to John in a low voice, "Look, I know you've already been debriefed about the future events, all the things we're hoping to avoid, but there's just one more thing I need to know."

Even out here in the open, John feels cornered; he can't exactly leave or walk away from the gate, he turns, acting annoyed, "What?"

Looking nervously, as if he doesn't want Ronon to overhear, Rodney asks, "Do I still have hair?"

 _'Is he fucking serious?'_ John's suffocating under the ruins of his heart and he can't let himself think about anything but the mission. He can't think about that hologram of Rodney...The older version that told him the truth about Jennifer...

"No." He lies, acting disinterested; sure, Rodney had looked pretty good for his age, but John can't let himself think about any of it.

Before Rodney can ask him anything else he turns and shouts to the rest of the team, "Let's go!"

.  
.

The location where Teyla is supposed to be is empty.

John splits the teams up to comb the building for clues. Leaving Rodney to hack into a data terminal in one of the labs, he and Ronon make their way to a room that looks like a maternity ward from a horror movie.

Over the com, John tells Rodney he thinks they've found the place where Michael's going to bring her to have the baby. Only it looks like they're here a bit early.

Rodney is making progress on his end, saying something about cracking into Micheal's records. But then a giant rumble shakes the structure around them and cuts off the transmission.

John barely has time to register what is happening before the whole building is coming down around them.

.  
.

Coughing and sputtering John tries to remember where he is. His mind is swimming as he struggles to regain consciousness. He'd been dreaming of Teyla and Ford... how he's failed them, failed everyone. The weight of the ruined castle is crushing him... everything has fallen the ruins...

"Sheppard!" He hears Ronon yelling, "Hey, buddy."

No, wait, the crushing sensation, the pain... he really is pinned under the rubble of a collapsed building.

John's eye's start to regain focus, "What happened?"

Ronon is leaning over him in the cramped cave-in, "Michael's compound, it collapsed on us."

Trying to move, John gasps in agony against the weight of the fallen support beams.

"Hey." Ronon reaches his hand onto John's shoulder to stop him.

"I think I… I…" John can barely breathe and the pain is making it hard to think straight.

"Yeah," Ronon climbs in further to reach him, "hold on, let me take a look."

The sensation of something metal being pulled through his insides causes John to bite back a scream of agony, "What the hell was that?" he chokes.

But he still can't breathe. Something is still crushing him... like the castle that Rodney said... _'What did Rodney say about a castle? '_

"Just a little scrape, no big deal." Ronon is putting together some kind of makeshift bandage, trying to reach as best he can, with John twisted inside all this metal.

 _'Rodney'_ He was closer to the exit, John tells himself he must have made it out.

There's only static over the radio so there is no way to know. But he thinks he would feel it if something had happened to Rodney. He tells himself he would. God. John's eyes are swimming in pain again.

Ronon does his best to keep John conscious by talking to him, he even tries to lift away some of the metal beams, but they don't budge.

John shakes his head and speaks in a thin voice, "This thing ain't moving… I wonder what happened to the others." The crushing pressure feels a deserving punishment for this botched rescue; so many could be hurt or dead because of him.

"I don't know," Ronon answers, "it happened pretty quick. I doubt many people made it out."

Somehow John knows Rodney is okay, he can just feel it... but it wasn't enough for Teyla, not enough to change the fate of the galaxy. He's failed Rodney's mission.

"So stupid…" He gasps, "Of course the building was booby-trapped. I should have seen that coming."

"Yeah, well, none of us did." Ronon assures him.

"Yeah, but I'm the guy. You know? Like, 'the guy.' It was stupid rushing in here all guns blazing, I should have been more careful." There's no way to explain the guilt of all his failures; John can't ever forgive himself.

"Everyone knew what we were getting into." Ronon argues, "We all knew how dangerous it was, so don't beat yourself up about it."

Clenching his teeth through the pain, John decides he has to convince Ronon to get himself to safety, "You need to start thinking about how to crawl your way out of here."

"No way." Ronon sounds settled in for the long haul.

"I'm serious." John gets stern with his commander's voice, "You just keep moving up, keep moving the debris. Work your way up."

"I'm not leaving you behind, Sheppard." Ronon keeps struggling to move another bar; from the sound of it, he is having little success.

"I'm not trying to be a hero here." John reasons, "It's a, it's a selfish thing. I need you to dig a hole so that the rescuers can come down and get me." He has to convince Ronon to go, he can't let him die down here too.

Instead of listening to him, Ronon starts pulling at some pipes coming through the floor, John argues, "That's the wrong way, chief."

"We get this beam off you, we get you free, we dig ourselves out together. Deal?"

John pants as the pain gets worse, "You ain't going to listen to me one way or the other, are you?"

"Great. Deal." Ronon seems to take that as acceptance and continues to exert himself, prying at the various hunks of metal that enclose them.

The noises blur together... John leans his face forward against the large beam twisted about him, crushing the life out of him. He'll just rest for a moment. Close his eyes for moment…

.

.

"John?!" Rodney is pulling him out from the heat and sand, "I almost thought I lost you there."

"I, I thought", Confused, John struggles for breath and pulls the dusty handkerchief from around his face, "for a minute I thought I died out there." He grasps onto Rodney's solid hand; he's not a hologram anymore. It's really Rodney, alive, the age he's supposed to be and not just a vision of an old man, "Where are we?"

"We have to hurry" Rodney looks around the hot, empty hallway, "We have to get back in time to save Teyla, her baby, the fate of the galaxy-"

"Jennifer." John interrupts with the memory of the mission facing him.

Rodney squeezes John's hand in urgency, "Please don't let anything happen to her, not again." his voice chokes, "You're my only hope to save her -promise me."

John slides his hand gently over Rodney's to calm him, "I promise, I'll do anything..." He twines his fingers through Rodney's, "to make you happy, anything..." John winces in pain, "Ugh"

"You're bleeding!" Rodney's hands run over John's chest in concern and lift his shirt.

"I am." John looks down at the gaping wound and tries to remember what happened, "I think... the castle collapsed on me."

"The castle?" Rodney is wrapping a cloth around John's waist, pulling it tight to stop the blood flow.

"Fortifications... the ones you said I, I use to keep people away. I think they crashed in on me."

Leaning over John, Rodney cups his jaw tenderly, "Why would you say that? What happened?"

John presses his lips together in a grimace, he shouldn't have said that, the pain is making his mind fuzzy.

.

.

Sharp pain suddenly wakes John again. He can't tell how long he's been out this time.

"Hey." Ronon is talking to him, "Come on, one more try."

"Mmm." John tries to stay conscious, "I'm feeling pretty weak, buddy."

"You're not quitting on me yet, are you?" Ronon has a pipe he has freed from the floor.

"No… Uh. Well, I was thinking about it." John admits.

"That wasn't part of our deal." Ronon gruffly reminds him of this supposed deal.

John is too weary to argue much, "You keep adding things to this deal of ours."

"All right." Ronon gets the pipe in position, "Ready?"

When John doesn't answer, Ronon begins counting himself, "1, 2, 3…" he throws his weight into lifting the heavy beam. It barely moves but he doesn't stop, grunting and straining with the effort.

Finally, he sags to the floor in defeat.

"Ronon." John tries to stop him.

He looks back at John with fierce loyalty in his eyes.

"You need to get out of here." John urges.

"Would you leave me if I was stuck under there?" Ronon challenges.

"Yes." John lies easily.

"You hear that?" Ronon lifts his head to the ceiling.

"What?"

"It sounds like digging." Ronon turns his head listening.

"Yeah," John croaks, I hear it… I hear it."

"Hey! Hey we're down here!" Ronon shouts.

A man's voice answers, "We're coming for you! Just stay calm!"

"And you were gonna quit." Ronon grunts and smiles at John.

As the voices get closer, John jokes gratefully with their rescuers and promises never to make fun of combat engineers again.

But Ronon notices something is wrong, there responses are off.

Asking a few more questions they realize whoever's coming for them isn't human.

"Michael's hybrids?..." Ronon guesses, climbing across the beam closer to John, "I bet he was tipped off when the building blew."

"I told you you should have gotten out of here." John wheezes.

"Yeah, whatever." Ronon sits protectively behind John.

"Uh," John struggles. "I can't reach my gun."

Ronon reaches down and finds it; he cocks the trigger and places it in John's hand, "Here... All right, how do you want to play this?"

John thinks for a bit then answers, "Shoot till we can't shoot anymore."

"All right." Ronon looks up at the small opening above.

It's fitting, John supposes, that he'd meet his end under the ruins of a fortification... like the one Rodney once said John built around his heart. It all came caving in on him before this explosion in the compound... sometime not too long before all this, about 48,000 years from now in the future.

Bleeding out on the floor here, having the life crushed out of him... in a way, in feels the same as when he realized Rodney wouldn't ever love him. But he'd had to go on to save the others, to complete Rodney's mission.

...A mission he's failed utterly. All he can hope for now is that something in this timeline has changed enough... With the information on the hologram's data crystal maybe they'll still find Teyla and save her child, still save Jennifer. John tells himself Rodney made it out, he'll get to have his happy ending. He can't let himself think otherwise.

Only Ronon isn't going to make it.

Because he wouldn't leave John to die alone. Just like he wouldn't leave John alone when he'd heard about his father's funeral. And when he'd found out the truth about John's feelings for Rodney, he'd stood by John's side, loyal as ever.

A series of memories, little vignettes flicker through John's mind and he feels a rush of love and gratitude for Ronon. His friendship…well, the only person closer to him is Rodney.

John doesn't know how much time they have left; he's never been able to do goodbyes, but he has to say something before it's too late.

Too weak to think or speak clearly, his voice husky with emotion, John manages only a few words, "Been a pleasure."

Ronon doesn't answer and John wishes he wasn't pinned to the ground so he could see his friend's expression.

"Same." Ronon finally replies, the tone of his voice tells John he understands what he's trying to say and feels the same way.

Just above them now, the hybrids begin to make their way down.

Okay. This is it. Their last stand.

Reaching up with their weapons, the two of them prepare to fire.

.  
.


	73. John acts like they didn't almost kiss

.  
.

Just before the hybrids reach them, they are suddenly beamed out into the infirmary on the Daedalus.

"Don't touch me." Ronon slaps at a medical intern approaching him.

Jennifer leans over John, placing more blood into the IV, "We thought we'd lost you there."

"Yeah, well, for a second, _I_ thought we'd lost me." Staring up at her, John can't help think that this is the woman he has lost Rodney to.

As she touches the wound on his side, he winces in pain, "It's going to be okay, though, right?"

"Yeah." Jennifer sighs, "You need some serious work, but you should, you know, live to fight another day and all that."

Trying to catch his breath, John bites his lip thinking about Jennifer and Rodney together; he asks "So, what's going on? I guess Michael showed up before the Daedalus."

"Yeah," Jennifer grabs a new bandage, "we had to lower the shields to beam you up here."

"Sorry about that." John pants heavily.

She peers at him with big brown eyes as she tends to his wound, "Well, I'm sure McKay and Colonel Carter will be able to fix it."

John flushes with relief; he knew Rodney was okay somehow, but his heart leaps to hear he is on board.

His eyes are full of emotion as he searches Jennifer's face, "McKay's alive?"

"Yeah." Jennifer bobs her head and her eyes twinkle; then she suddenly looks self-conscious, as if she has revealed too much.

Turning away, she tells him, "Yeah, he and Lorne were the only two to make it out of the rubble."

"Patch me up," John leans forward, trying to sit, "I need to get back out there."

"What?!" Jennifer exclaims, "No, no, no. Look you will be fine, but you're far from it now. You've lost a lot of blood. You need surgery and a transfusion. I mean this can't wait."

"Look, Doc, Michael's here. That means Teyla's probably on the ship. I'm too close to sit here and do nothing." He has to find a way to explain to her that he can't fail his friends, not again; Rodney sent him back to save Teyla so, so Jennifer doesn't die... and John has to make sure that doesn't happen.

"You're not gonna be sitting around doing nothing." Jennifer seems exasperated, "You're gonna be laying here in surgery."

"Okay, there's got to be, like… There's got to be a quick fix." John begs.

Jennifer gets something off of her tray, "No-"

"I need a few hours." John interrupts.

"I'm sorry. I can't." Jennifer looks at him in concern, seeing how his body is wracked in pain.

Then John grabs her arm in desperation, probably a bit too hard, "Look! I have had the chance to rescue a teammate before, and it slipped through my hands."

His lower lip trembles as he looks up at Jennifer pleading, "I am not letting that happen again."

Moved by the intensity of his feelings. She agrees to do what she can.

When Jennifer finishes her 'quick fix' job, John walks to the bridge.

Sam is speaking, "We need to take out the cruiser's main weapons."

"With what?" Rodney asks her.

"We could launch a 302 attack." Sam suggests.

John joins in, "That's what I was thinking. We have to get Teyla off that cruiser before it is a capable of escaping back into hyperspace."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney spins around in his chair. John was supposed to be in surgery, but here he is standing in the doorway with Ronon, looking sexy and battle ready.

"Colonel, Dr. Keller said you were out of commission." Sam sounds surprised.

"She revised her diagnosis." John says playfully, then he lowers his voice, "Look we may have an idea."

John wants Caldwell to launch some 302's as a diversion. When the Hive ship lowers its shields to launch attack Darts, a small stealth team will take a cloaked Jumper inside to rescue Teyla.

As they prepare the Jumper for takeoff, Rodney notices that John does not seem as battle ready as he first appeared. "You know, Ronon and I could probably handle this. Maybe you should stay with the Jumper." Rodney looks to him with open concern.

Turning to glare darkly at Rodney, John holds the look long enough to make a solid impression.

"Or not." Rodney backpedals.

Releasing Rodney from the glare, John tells the Daedalus that they are in position. The 302's have given them the window they need and the Jumper makes it into Michael's ship.

It seems Ronon is a little worried about John as well; he gives him an affectionate pat on the shoulder before they all head out into the interior of the ship.

According to Rodney's readings, Michael is very close to getting the hyperdrive back online. They will need to hurry.

When they find Teyla she is about to deliver the baby, having been in contractions for some time. The hyperdrive is about to fire up any moment, so John and Ronon go to take it out while Rodney stays to attend to Teyla.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John and Ronon make it to the hyperdrive and eliminate the hybrids stationed there. With a little luck, no one else was close enough to hear the gunfire.

Ronon looks up at the glowing cylinder reaching down from the ceiling. "Its almost powered up."

"Give me your C4" John says quickly and Ronon hands it to him.

He tries to reach up and attach it, but buckles from his wound, crying out in pain.

"Here. Give it to me." Ronon strides over to the center cylinders.

"I got it." John braces himself with his hands on his knees.

"Give it to me." Ronon grabs the C4 from John. His voice booms, "You don't have to do everything."

With Ronon's height, he effortlessly attaches the explosive, "All right. You ready? Let's go."

The two of them dash out of the room, shooting at the hybrids as they make their way down the corridor.

Tucking into an alcove, John pulls out the detonator. The explosion rocks the ship but they are unharmed by the blast.

When they make it back to the room where Rodney is waiting with Teyla, they find her holding her baby in her arms, "Ronon you're going to need to help me." she says weakly.

Ronon lifts her easily in his arms as they head back to the Jumper.

But when they get there, the Jumper has disappeared. John is stunned, now they are going to need to find another way off the ship.

"I told you, you should have stayed here." Rodney gestures to John in frustration.

Leading them back into the corridors, John tries to keep them out of sight from any hostile hybrids.

"How the hell are we supposed to get off this ship now?" Ronon asks.

Rodney turns to Ronon and snipes, "I just delivered a baby. That's not enough for today?"

Further along they encounter a figure, but Teyla tells them not to shoot. She says it is Kanan, the father of her child; and though he has been altered, he freed her earlier and she trusts him. She asks Kanan, to help them off the ship. With his assistance, they take a Dart safely back to the Daedalus before it fires into Michael's cruiser and destroys it.

.  
.

John finds himself back in the infirmary chatting with Teyla while waiting for his surgery. She tells him that she can't believe he attempted to mount a rescue in his condition.

"'Attempt'? John takes issue with her description, "The last time I checked, I succeeded."

Asking about the child in her arms, she glows with happiness about how perfect he is. Looking up from her infant, she tells John, "I want to thank you."

"There's no need."

Teyla continues, "I never gave up hope. Because I knew... I knew that you would come for me, John."

"You would have done the same for me."

"Yes." Teyla smiles.

Jennifer walks into the room, "All right. You ready Colonel?"

"Ready?" John quips, "From my understanding, I'm not doing anything."

"No, that's right." Jennifer says pleasantly, "You just have to lay still…" she shakes her hands in a silly way, "let me play with your insides."

John stares back at her without humor. He wants to hate this woman much more than he really does.

The smile on Jennifer's face drops when she sees the way John is looking at her. "Sorry. Um, let's go." She gestures to her assistants.

As they wheel the gurney out, John asks Teyla, "What are you going to name the kid?"

"Well," Teyla answers from her bed nearby, "if it's all right with you, I was thinking of Torren John, after my father and after you."

"Really?" John is touched, "Wow."

"McKay's going to hate that." Jennifer tells Teyla.

As the gurney exits the room, John lifts himself up to look back at her, "I would be very honored."

"Very well." Teyla replies with a smile before he is out of earshot.

.  
.

John is told that he will need to spend over a week in the infirmary recovering from surgery. Since returning from the future he hasn't had the time to be alone with his thoughts but now they are beginning to torture him. He needs to get out of here, he can't just lay here like this.

"Hey" Rodney's voice stops him as he tries to get out of his gurney, "You're going to tear your stitches!" Rodney sets a sandwich down on the bedside table, "If you need anything, I'll get it for you."

The pain in his side makes John grunt in futility and lay back down, "'Okay, just for a minute."

Rodney pulls a chair up to his bedside, "Everything's been so crazy since you got back, we haven't really had the chance to..."

"Yeah" John mumbles and looks away in discomfort, "Sorry I, ah..."

"Okay, I'll start." Rodney lifts his head in a determined way, "So you said you'd be gone an hour, I waited for two before I went back to the control room and realized you'd disappeared-"

"Rodney," John cuts him short, "I can't. I mean, there are things I know about the future that I can't... explain." It hurts more than he thought possible to be around Rodney right now; his heart is so broken and he can't tell Rodney why.

"I'm not-" Rodney frowns in annoyance, "asking about that." He reaches for John's hand and squeezes it, "There were other things we were going to talk about."

The feel of Rodney's hand on his makes John feel lightheaded, he wishes he could reach out and beg Rodney to give him another chance without betraying or denying Rodney his true love with Jennifer.

He gazes back at Rodney, unable to hide his pain. Maybe... Maybe this timeline could be different. If Jennifer stops noticing the things about Rodney that make him so special. But she is far more deserving, far more likely to make him happy and give him what he really wants.

"Talk." John repeats the word dully as if Rodney is asking the impossible.

For now all he can do is wait and watch. He has to be sure he isn't destroying Rodney's future. Until then John can't tell him how he feels.

"Or at least eat?" With a stubborn expression, Rodney lets go of his hand and offers the sandwich he's prepared.

"Eat." John forces his sadness down into a hidden place and accepts Rodney's gift; taking a bite of the delicious treat John mumbles, "I'm sorry I can't-"

"I have ways of making people talk, Colonel", Rodney eyes John with a mixture of humor and frustration, "Whatever it is you're hiding, I'll get to the bottom of it."

At that John a chokes a bit on the food in his mouth as he tries not to laugh, "Is this you trying to act the part of one of your comic book villains?"

"Ah-ah, _Colonel_ , nothing is what it appears," Rodney narrows his eyes and dramatically waves his hand at the medical room around them, "the first sandwich is free, but I assure you, things will go much easier for you if you don't try to resist."

Smiling John swallows the bite, "That so, _Dr. McKay_?, So then am I to assume this is more than just finding out what your future hairline will look like?"

Blinking at John seriously, Rodney continues, "This is about what you needed to tell me the day you left. This is about you pushing me against the wall and almost-"

"Hey!" Ronon walks in, "How's the recovery going?"

"He's eating." Rodney answers; getting up, Rodney gestures for Ronon to take his seat and rolls his eyes at John, "We're not finished here... _Colonel."_

"What was that about?" Ronon asks once Rodney has left the room.

His appetite suddenly gone, John sets down the sandwich, "Before I went through the gate and got lost, I tried to, actually I was about to tell him everything."

"And?"

John breaks down and admits everything to Ronon. How close he was, his lips brushing against Rodney's… then being thrown into the future and finding out the truth of Rodney and Jennifer's connection, how they are destined to be together.

Ronon scoffs when he hears John's reason for backing away; he doesn't seem to understand why John is taking this all so seriously. "They were only together because you and me were dead. Doesn't mean anything."

Part of him hopes Ronon is right, that this thing with Jennifer isn't the key to Rodney's happiness.

But John isn't so sure.

 **.**  
.

* * *

.  
.

At first, Rodney thought John was being distant because he was recovering from his injury. But there is more to it than that, John has pulled away again. Rodney should have known better; he's had so much experience now with John getting distant.

Why did he get his hopes up that this time would be any different? John doesn't know what he wants half the time, and he is certainly confused about his feelings for men.

John probably just thought Rodney would be easy and… No, it was more than that wasn't it? He'd made it sound like there was something he'd been needing to say to Rodney for a long time...

It's just, now John is acting like nothing ever happened between them and Rodney is pissed, just so pissed that John's pulled away again.

He'd been so frantic when John didn't come back from that mission. They couldn't figure out what went wrong or where he was. Rodney barely slept the whole 12 days John was gone… Drinking coffee, scouring data from the gate buffers for clues...

And then John just breezes back in like they never almost kissed, taking them on on an emergency mission to rescue Teyla.

He'd been hoping once the excitement died down, that maybe John would come back to him. He's tried not to pressure him, he's tried forcing him to talk. Nothing seems to work. Rodney's told himself it's just a matter of time and they would inevitably get closer again, the way they have in the past. But over the weeks John only seems further away.

Lately, the way John acts when Rodney visits him, it's like his mere presence causes him pain. So Rodney has opted to spend more of his free time keeping Carson company.

He knows Carson can't really hear him inside the stasis pod, but he doesn't want him to be lonely.

Really, he doesn't want to admit to himself that _he_ is lonely; and these little one-sided conversations are more for his benefit than Carson's.

When the Daedalus arrives with Mr. Woolsey, it brings with it Rodney's long awaited mattress.

Just, the timing is a little off. John doesn't come by his room anymore. Still, the bed is really comfortable and Rodney tries to forget why he got it in the first place.

Thinking about John and what almost happened between them, Rodney feels desperate. He is so desperate for John to feel something, anything for him. He's given John every opportunity to 'talk' with him and it is clear he doesn't want to. It would probably be better if Rodney just let it go and focused on something else.

What else is there?

Maybe Jennifer… she'd asked him out for that drink, after all. Still, the last time Rodney tried to distract himself from his unrequited feelings for John… the whole dating Katie thing hadn't worked out so well.

But… it's been years, and if John was ever going to feel something more for Rodney, he would have by now.

And of course, Rodney doesn't want to press the issue any further than he already has. He doesn't want John to get angry like he did before. After all, he was told in no uncertain terms, NEVER to go there again. And he hasn't. It's just, it really seemed like John was about to go there.

 _He'd almost kissed him for Christ's sake._

How the hell is Rodney supposed to interpret those kinds of mixed messages?

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John enters the Control Room to welcome Woolsey as he arrives on Atlantis. He still can't believe Sam has been replaced. One minute she was headed to Earth for a debriefing… And well, that was it. She never came back and now they're stuck with Woolsey.

Woolsey beams in from the Daedalus and John extends a hand, "Mr. Woolsey, welcome back."

"Thank you, Colonel." Woolsey releases John's grip and clears his throat, "Well, then…"

Everyone in the control room waits in silence.

"I think I'll start by going over copies of all your latest reports." Woolsey tells John. He looks to Rodney, "Yours as well, Doctor."

"What?" Rodney asks, "Right now?"

"I've been out of touch on the Daedalus for 3 weeks, I'd like to be brought up to speed as quickly as possible. We can have a full briefing in the morning."

As Woolsey walks out of the Gateroom, he tells someone on the way out, "Please have the rest of my things sent directly to my quarters."

John murmurs his discontent over their new commander to Rodney, "Nice speech, real inspiring."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Ronon walks into the briefing room for their first official meeting with Woolsey.

Rodney and Jennifer are the first ones there; Rodney is asking Jennifer, "Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Do I really look that bad?" Jennifer pours herself a cup of coffee.

"Ah, no, no, of course not. That's not what I meant. Ah, it's really… It's a lovely…"

Yeah. Okay. That is how Rodney sounds when he is trying to flirt. Still, Ronon doesn't think it means anything. Jennifer isn't interested in Rodney.

"Thanks." Jennifer tells Rodney, a bit sarcastically, as she walks over to the table.

"Wow." John walks in, "New table, huh?"

Teyla explains, "Woolsey brought it with him. He said he wanted a little piece of home."

"12 foot long mahogany conference table." John assesses the thing.

"I don't get it," Ronon tells the room, "I thought Colonel Carter was doing a good job."

John explains that sometimes success is a curse. With the threat level down, the IOA is jumping at the chance to put a civilian back in command.

"Well, it's not just that." Rodney adds, "Sam didn't exactly stick to protocol."

"Neither did Weir." Ronon reminds him.

Rodney nods, "Right so for 4 years, they've been waiting to get someone in there who'll finally do things their way."

"Well, I still don't get it." Ronon stays sullen.

"Colonel",Jennifer asks John, "when you were in the future and you learned all those things that were going to happen, wasn't this one of them, Woolsey taking over?"

"Well circumstances were…" John looks uncomfortable, "a little different."

"Still," Jennifer comments, "it is a little unsettling. I mean, maybe it's harder to change the course of events than we thought."

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it." Rodney twitters. "I mean, ah, the fact that Sheppard's here makes all the difference, right?"

John gives Ronon a knowing look and Ronon can tell what he is thinking.

"Woolsey wasn't the weirdest thing about that timeline." John remarks.

"What do you mean?" Teyla asks.

"Never mind." John's voice sounds oddly cheerful, but his expression settles darkly on Ronon as he shakes his head.

Rodney looks to Ronon in confusion. But before any other questions can be asked, Woolsey enters the room.

Mr. Woolsey crisply congratulates them all on taking down Michael and his organization. When the team points out that they have intel which indicates Michael made it off his ship in their stolen Jumper, Woolsey quickly shoots them down and refuses to dedicate the resources of Atlantis to pursuing a single individual.

Methodically, he then runs down a list of issues, proclaiming his stance on each one.

Pulling out one of his last files, Woolsey asks Jennifer about the situation with Carson Beckett, noting that she has devoted a lot of time and attention to him lately.

Jennifer explains that once Rodney recovered the data from the wreckage of Michael's compound, she thought it would be a priority to find a solution. She's found a serum and is developing a treatment. But she wants to be sure it will work before taking any action.

With little sentiment, Woolsey decides that she has reached the limits of what her research can tell her. He orders Jennifer to take action one way or another and move on; either revive Carson and see what happens or leave him in stasis so she can get to work on more important things.

As Woolsey makes his proclamation, Ronon can't fail to see the contempt on Rodney's face.

.  
.


	74. I'm not taking a bath with you

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.

John watches with apprehension as Carson wakes up in the infirmary. Given an ultimatum, Jennifer opted to attempt to revive Carson with the serum she's developed. They just have no way of knowing yet whether it will work.

"Hey, there. How are you doing?" Rodney asks.

"Fine." Carson answers weakly, "What happened?"

"Well, what do you think?" Rodney waves his hand happily, "We thawed you out."

Teyla and Ronon both warmly welcome Carson back. He blinks, "How long was I in there?"

"About 2 months give or take." John answers.

"Did I miss anything?" he asks John.

"You know," John sways with his hands slung low on his hips to portray a sense of calm and confidence, so Carson won't worry, "just the usual."

Dr. Keller steps into the room to give the verdict. John is flooded with relief when she tells them that the treatment has stopped the cellular degradation. Thank God. Carson is going to be okay.

After a moment she looks up shyly at the rest of the team and excuses herself, "I'll let them tell you about it." she then steps back out to let them all talk with Carson.

Felling guilty about how cold he's been to her lately, John follows her out, "Hey, Doc, nice work."

"Well," Jennifer's voice is gentle and self-doubting, "it's not a permanent solution."

Knowing she needs someone to reassure her, John tries to make amends for his previous behavior, "It's good enough for now." He levels his eyes until she sees his confidence in her.

Then he tells her to let herself rest, she's been working long hours to get this done. She smiles at John appreciatively as she leaves.

His face falls into a sad ache watching her go; he doesn't know how to feel around her any more. It's such a confusing jumble. He's jealous and hates her for the fact that she will probably take Rodney away from him. But she is kind and good. Not that unlike Rodney himself in many ways; except she lacks his superficial bubble of hostility.

It's hard to really hate someone so good. And Jennifer is someone so important to Rodney… or, at least she _will_ be in the future. If Rodney spent a lifetime working on a way to bring her back, the least John can do is extend his protection and loyalty to her -for Rodney's sake.

.  
.

Waking, this time less blurry, John remembers he's in the infirmary. Great. One of his least favorite places… He reaches down to where yet another hole has been punched through his gut. It's not the physical pain that hurts the most; it's the emotional loss. ' _Rodney.'_

The events of the last couple days come rushing back. Not long after reviving Carson, Jennifer was infected with some kind of Wraith pathogen; it was using her to grow a new Wraith ship. Well, they were all infected, just she was the first one to develop symptoms and grow into some kind of creature. Feeding off the power grid, it rapidly expanded through the city with huge snaky vine like things.

Woolsey kept making one wrong call after another, barely even being convinced to let Carson help because he hadn't been 'officially cleared for duty.' Even when Carson thought he had a cure, Woolsey thought firing drones into the infected part of the city was preferable to trying the antidote; reasoning it would be too difficult to reach Jennifer at that stage.

John remembers taking a Jumper without permission, crashing it into the side of a building to bring Jennifer the antidote. He can see himself smashing through the window and flying forward as far as the Jumper would go, the whole vessel coming apart around him...

God. Had he almost killed Jennifer? He'd had to make his way through the dense fleshy colored vines hanging from the ceiling and twisted all over the floor... It had been like a jungle reaching the isolation room to inject what he could into the small amount of her skin still showing.

But the tendrils began to whip around, attacking him like angry snakes. He'd tried to get back out but one of those things went right through him. The air went out of him in a wheezing gasp as he fell to his knees. Worried the serum was having no effect, John had lifted his gun with failing strength.

Pointing it at Jennifer, he'd wondered if he could bring himself to do it, to kill Rodney's true love. Conflicted, through a haze of pain, his finger hesitated on the trigger. He'd wanted to save Jennifer, but maybe he was too late.

That's when she lost consciousness and the tendrils stop swirling around the room. Lowering his pistol, John remembers calling for backup over the com. And then waking up to find himself here.

Woolsey walks into the room and John is eager for news, "How's Ronon?" Ronon tried to go in first; that thing had been killing him while John was attempting his attack with the Jumper.

"He has a bruised larynx. Apparently, he won't be able to speak for several days."

Relieved, John quips. "I wonder if anybody will notice the difference."

Carson walks in with Jennifer. "Colonel Sheppard, look who's finally out of isolation." Jennifer appears completely normal, smiling at him happily.

"Oh." John sighs and tells her as warmly and sincerely as he can, "It's good to see you, Doc."

"How you feeling?" Jennifer asks.

"I only hurt when I breathe." John jokes. _'Honestly, pretty fucking miserable.'_

"I feel really bad." Jennifer looks guilty, "It looks like my recovery's going to be a lot easier than yours."

"That's all right." John gestures to Carson, "I've got two doctors looking after me now."

"Well, no," Carson corrects him, "I'm afraid not. I'm scheduled to leave this afternoon. That is, unless of course there's a major crisis in the next hour or so."

"It wouldn't surprise me." John cracks. He knows Carson wants to stay in Pegasus but remembers that the IOA had been insisting he come back to get checked out on Earth.

"Well, listen," Carson reaches out a hand, "You keep yourself out of trouble and I'll see you real soon."

John clasps his hand with affection, "Good luck, Carson." he tells him earnestly.

"Thanks, John."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney lightly strokes John's sleeping face, his hand falling to his cheek, cupping it the way John had touched him that day they almost kissed, that day John had promised him the chance to be something more than best friends.

"I _want_ more." Rodney whispers, "Please tell me that you do too."

John's long lashes flutter as if he is dreaming.

"What were you going to tell me, John?" Rodney leans forward staring at John's kissable lips, "I'm tired of waiting, wondering if on the next mission I'm going to lose you and it will be too late."

Sighing, Rodney pulls back and sits down next to the gurney, folding his hand over John's as they lay limply on his chest, "I'll wait. But I want my answers when you wake up."

He wishes the bed was big enough for him to curl up into it with John's tall form. John is just tall enough to be extra sexy, but not so tall that they don't fit together perfectly.

"Rodney?" John wakes with a start.

Keeping his grasp on John's palm, Rodney assures him, "I'm right here and I'm not leaving."

John's eyes look sad, "I'm glad Jennifer's okay."

Yeah-yeah, she's fine." Rodney moves his fingers over John's hand, "It's you I've been worried about."

"'M fine." John mumbles sleepily, looking down at Rodney's hand moving over his.

"I was so scared when you went into convulsions, after you took the antidote yourself... You flat lined there for a while, you know? Carson had to revive you. But I knew you weren't going to die. "Rodney inhales sharply, "I kept reminding myself that you always come back, that, and, uh, you promised you'd never leave me."

Threading his fingers through John's, Rodney squeezes their hands together, "I kept telling myself, you'd come back. That's what you do, you know? You leave and then you come back."

"I do?" John looks up at him with an expression of vulnerability.

"Sort of." Rodney nods, "You come back but you.. you also keep yourself away." Licking his lips Rodney presses on, "You told me once that you didn't want to hold back anymore... And sometimes I get the feeling that you're about to, to stop holding back so much, and I... I don't know. I just know you said you'd never leave me and I'm going to hold you to that promise."

"Rodney." John winces his eyes shut and painfully grips into Rodney's hand, "There's so much I wish I could tell you but I can't, I'm sorry I can't."

.

.

* * *

.

.

When John opens his eyes the smile is fading from Rodney's face, "You can't? Or won't?"

"I'm trying to protect you."

"From what?!" Rodney demands.

"I can't explain now, but please trust me." John feels trapped inside his own mind with the unbearable knowledge that he can never be what Rodney needs; trapped here in this hospital bed with nothing but his fear of losing Rodney to haunt him.

Rodney visits every day and tries to get John to 'stop holding back'; there are so many times that John's almost let go and confessed everything. But Jennifer is always there too; he has to see her every day and be reminded of who she is to Rodney, even if _he_ doesn't know yet. Rodney will fall in love with her, she will be the one who will make him happy… and then John will lose him forever.

The following weeks spent in the medical lab are soul-crushing. At least when John had something to do, he could distract himself from this heartache. Heartache of a future that he has promised to protect for the man he loves. He will protect the dying wish of the future Rodney. He would do anything for Rodney, even if it means breaking his own heart to do it.

Sometimes there is a small hope he nurses, that none of this will come to pass in this reality. But the signs are there, he can't deny them. Jennifer obviously has feelings for Rodney. He hates the way she looks at him when Rodney comes to visit in the infirmary.

And he can tell that she sees Rodney, really sees him, the way John does. Even if she doesn't know him as well, she reads Rodney, she gets him. It will be different than when Rodney was with Katie, Jennifer isn't just a sweet empty-headed girl; she has the intelligence, humor, and the emotional complexity to understand Rodney.

Maybe John can't offer what Jennifer can… but if, for some reason, if Rodney doesn't choose her, maybe John can still try to give Rodney some of what he needs. Obviously, not the getting married, or having kids part, but he could give him something. It's not nearly what Rodney deserves though; Rodney deserves, well, a lot better than John.

Every time Rodney comes to visit him, John has to repress the urge to tell him how much he loves him. He can't interfere with the timeline; he'll just wait and see what happens.

John knows Rodney feels the stilted empty smiles behind John's superficial small talk. He keeps gently nudging John, trying to get him to open up. It's painful carrying on such nominal conversation but John can't talk to him the way he wants to. As hard as it is, he pulls up a mask of good humor though he knows Rodney easily sees through it.

Hopefully, Rodney won't press John too hard. Otherwise John might just break down; and then the whole truth will come spilling out. And that could ruin everything.

.

.

John sits in the cafeteria mulling over the facts. The few facts they have... Really, they have next to nothing to go on. No way to find Ronon. Even though Teyla recognized Tyre as the man who abducted him, their search has yielded scant information so far.

With the subcutaneous transmitter disabled, the only intel they've gotten has been from that drunk Satedan, Solan. He claims Tyre is known Wraith worshipper; Solan says he'd shoot Tyre on sight if he knew his location. John begged the guy to tell them first if he heard anything more. If they are to have any chance of rescuing Ronon, they need Tyre alive.

"Hey." Rodney's voice calls out to him from across the room. "You're up early."

"It's 10am." John frowns at him.

"It is?" Rodney looks at his watch as he pulls up a chair, "Oh, God, I didn't sleep at all. I was up all night thinking about this Ronon situation."

Hopeful, John asks, "You got anything?"

"Nothing. I tried everything, pacing, snacks, bathing."

"Bathing." John sneers, he'd forgotten that Rodney had started to upgrade the features in his quarters with a huge bed and luxury tub.

"Yeah." Rodney sighs, "Like Archimedes."

"You mean that Greek scientist who had a crush on Teyla?" John is puzzled.

"No, like the Greek mathematician who came up with the Archimedes Principle, the physical laws of buoyancy. According to legend, the idea came to him when he was sitting in the bath, so… Look, the point is that the revelation occurred while he was, you know, relaxing, not thinking about the problem. The solution as it turns out, was right in front of him all along."

"You think we've overlooked something?" John wonders how often Rodney uses bathing as a problem solving technique.

"I don't know. Maybe. Look, all I know is I was up all night going over it and I'm drawing a blank, so I could use a fresh perspective."

"I'm not taking a bath with you." John jokes as his mind conjures up a vision of a naked Rodney in his tub. He'd be cute in a tub. Definitely cute. And sexy. This is a whole new fantasy that John is going to have to explore. ' _Mmm. Things he could do with Rodney in a tub.'_

Unruffled by the teasing Rodney continues, "Let's just go over what we know."

John repeats the facts and speculates about the difficulty of narrowing down statistical probabilities of where Ronon might have been taken. But his mind is still drifting over images of Rodney in that tub.

He can't help but think back to that last time long ago, when he and Rodney were really together. That night in the shower when John had wrapped his arms around him, holding Rodney tight as he moved with a slow and deliberate passion. They'd felt so close... at least it seemed that way to John. John's never experienced anything like that before, never had someone compel him so completely. And that was before he even knew how amazing Rodney actually was.

That night had been lustful, but there was so much more that John felt and needed to express. For the first time, he'd found the courage to try... if he'd only been a better man, he wouldn't have ruined everything. He would have reached out for Rodney when he was in pain instead of pulling away. It's too late to wish for any of that now. John will have to content himself with fantasy.

Lorne interrupts John's thoughts and announces that they have a lead. Ronon may be on a planet called Sarif Sur.

"Thank you Archimedes" Rodney chirps happily.

.

.

Finding Ronon's comrade, Tyre, near death on Sarif Sur, John begins to understand more about how the Wraith worshipers have come to exist. After surviving the grueling withdrawal from the Wraith enzyme, Tyre is lucid enough to understand the implications of what he has done.

The remorseful and broken man explains to John how the Wraith drain and restore life from their victims to break them physically and induce a level of euphoria that is impossible to resist. It turned the remaining Satedans into slaves. The ones that survived the process, anyway. He is sure that is what they are doing to Ronon now, and it is all his fault for helping them capture Ronon. He begs John to let him make it right.

Woolsey is less than enthusiastic about attempting a rescue mission but John's gut tells him that it isn't a trap, that Tyre is a man desperate to save a lost friend.

"And how can you be so certain of that, Colonel?" Woolsey questions.

"Because I've been there." Something about the look in Tyre's eyes had reminded John of how desperate he'd been to save Lyle, "Now, we have a chance to get Ronon, and I'm gonna take it, and you're going to need to trust me on this."

.

.


	75. He'll always love his repressed soldier

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.

It was not a pretty sight when Ronon first woke up. His eyes red and sunken; his skin a sickly color. John had sadly stared down at the isolation room below, wondering about Ronon's chances of surviving the withdrawal. Strapped to the gurney by his waist and hands, he slammed his torso up and down against the bed, howling in frustration.

"What kind of time frame for recovery are we looking at?" Woolsey asked Jennifer.

"It's impossible to predict." She answered, "He has so much of the enzyme running through him that his body can hardly process it. When it eventually does, that's when he'll come down, and he'll come down hard."

Since Ronon's rescue, the team has begun taking shifts sitting with him as he goes through his agonizing withdrawal. It's hard for John to watch him go through his bouts of screaming rage. He knows the pain must be excruciating. Ronon yells and pleads with them to kill him, then falls into states where he seems barely conscious, his whole body trembling violently.

Rodney is the one who is with Ronon when John receives word over the coms. Ronon's coming out of it. Rushing to his side, first John sees that he has eaten to get some of his strength back.

Then he goes to collect Tyre's sword. Tyre would have wanted Ronon to have it, something to remember him by. Now that Ronon is free from the brainwashing, he'll understand the sacrifice. He'll understand that the comrade Ronon once risked his life to save so many years ago, has now given his own in return, as a kind of penance.

Leaving the sword with Ronon, for now John let's him get some much needed rest.

.

.

The next time John visits Ronon, he is sitting up in bed and looks well enough to talk.

"Thanks." Ronon's eyes flit to the sword sitting nearby his gurney, "For that and for not killing me. When I asked you to."

"Yeah," John smirks as he sits down, "Might have thought about giving you a smack or two, but I try not to kill members of my own team."

"Guess you could say I deserved it." Ronon shrugs, "I took you down pretty hard."

"Yeah." John gives a resentful nod. "You really didn't hold back on that punch at all."

"I killed Tyre." Ronon blurts out with a pained expression.

"No." John reminds him, "You fought him pretty good but Tyre sacrificed himself to save you, stayed behind to detonate the charges. I think he knew it was going to end up being a one way trip. All he really wanted was redemption for putting you in danger."

Ronon shakes his head, "It was my fault-"

John interrupts, "You know, you don't have to take responsibility for everything yourself. That's what a team is for. At least, I seem to remember you telling me something like that not too long ago."

"When do you listen to anything I say?" Ronon grumbles lightheartedly.

"I listen sometimes." John makes a face.

"Then have you said anything to McKay yet?"

"I told you, I'm..." Pressing his lips together, John shakes his head, "I'm not interfering with a plan he worked on for 25 years. It's not about what I want. It's about what Rodney wants-"

"You're just using this as another excuse." Ronon tries to move on his bed and winces at the effort, "Uh, I still feel like shit."

"It's not-" John tries to defend himself but Ronon cuts him off.

"All this pining over McKay has gone on long enough. It's obvious he wants to be with you too, you just always come up with a reason why it can't work."

It's not- You know what? When you tell me that you and Jennifer are dating, _then_ I'll start listening to what you have to say."

"We ARE!" Ronon growls back at him, "We hang out all the time. And at least with me and Jennifer, there's no pining. It's obvious how we feel about each other. "

"Is it?" John lifts a brow.

"Totally." Ronon looks at John like he's stupid, "Even before all this happened. But lately you should see how she's been taking care of me. She likes to kiss my head when she's..." Ronon grins, "Never mind... it's a... what do you call it? What do you guys call the kind of romance when you take the time to... like, savor and develop a deep connection?"

"I dunno. I guess however you just said it." John gives a wistful smile, "Well, I hope that's how it is for you guys. Maybe when I'm sure I'm not interfering with the timeline, then maybe..." John finds himself trailing off, lost in the thought of taking Rodney in his arms again.

"Maybe, maybe. More excuses." Ronon teases. "Can't imagine what it would take for you to be sure."

John bites into his lip. Ronon's right. What would it take for him to be sure he wasn't just being selfish and ruining Rodney's chances for happiness?

He can't make himself forget everything Rodney's told him about his dreams. He wants to get married, have a wife and kids. And he really can't forget that Rodney specifically told him that he doesn't want to be with men anymore; because of the pain of his past relationships. Probably in no small part because of John himself. His head is starting to hurt thinking of all the ways he's fucked things up with Rodney. He doesn't deserve him and he shouldn't delude himself that he's suddenly a guy that knows how to have a real relationship.

Thinking about reality is too much and John changes the subject, "So," he teases Ronon back, "when do I get to take my revenge in the ring? You look pretty much recovered now... How's tomorrow for you?"

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney stretches out across his big bed in the darkness with thoughts of John keeping him awake. He can't stop thinking about the day John almost kissed him.

John had said to wait for him, that he'd be back in an hour or so. He had promised. Rodney paced in his room for over 2 hours before heading back to the control room to see what was taking so long.

That's when he'd realized John wasn't still on the planet meeting with his Genii contact. After they'd ruled out some kind of plot, Genii or otherwise...

Well, it was like John stepped through the Gate and just dematerialized into nothing. He wasn't anywhere. Rodney had combed through data for weeks, desperate, barely sleeping, terrified that he'd lost John forever.

Then, as suddenly as he'd disappeared, John was back. Rodney had gotten an explanation for why the wormhole had malfunctioned. But he'd never gotten an explanation for why John almost kissed him. When John returned, the intimacy between them... it was as if it never happened.

But it _did_ almost happen.

They'd been so close. So infuriatingly close that there's no denying what happened between them that day. So why does John keep acting like it never fucking happened?

It started like any other day, Rodney had just been sitting in his lab. But when John had said his name... the way he looked at him.

Oh. Rodney gets chills thinking of it. John had never looked at Rodney that way before, never said his name with so much emotion.

The expression on John's face had been so tender and open. His eyes shining like, well it almost looked like he was feeling something close to love. The effect it had on Rodney made him shaky and weak. He was barely able to stand as John possessively pulled him out of the room and led him to a private alcove.

And somehow Rodney knew this was everything he'd been waiting for. He'd told himself not to be stupid and read into things. But in his heart he knew something had changed when John pressed him into that wall, whispering his name with deep longing, trailing his lips across Rodney's neck...

Oh God. The blood had rushed to Rodney's face, his heart beating impossibly fast. Maybe John didn't love him back but it was obvious John at least _wanted_ him. And Rodney had been waiting so long for John to want him again.

He could feel John's chest warm against his and his breath on his neck. Rodney moaned, letting himself hope…

John's lips moved up his neck and pressed lightly into Rodney's cheek as he whispered in his ear, "Rodney… I have to talk to you… I've needed to tell you for some time…"

It _seemed_ so real, like John really felt something for him too. John's breath had even hitched.

Hopeful but afraid to break the spell, Rodney had simply murmured, "John…"

And then John had cupped Rodney's face with such passion, there was no mistaking that. He'd stared at Rodney with plain desire, "Oh God, Rodney."

All Rodney could think was how much he loved John. How _long_ he'd been in love with John. After all this time maybe John was really going to give him more than just friendship.

The next words left him confused; doubting himself again when John started talking about Carson, "I, uh… Well, now that Carson's back… Well, if I'm not your best friend anymore, maybe… Maybe I could be something else?"

 _'Oh, God, yes. Please. Something more.'_ Rodney could barely catch his breath, his eyes wide and lips trembling, "Yeah. Okay."

John had looked down to Rodney's waiting lips, while his hands tenderly held Rodney's face. Leaning down, John's pouty lips had just started to brush against his mouth when the loud intercom startled John back.

"COLONEL SHEPPARD, PLEASE REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM."

 _'Oh, no. no-no-no. Why now?'_ Desperately worried he'd lost his one chance, it was like John could see the fear in Rodney's eyes and knew exactly how to reassure him.

He lovingly stroked the side of Rodney's face. "I forgot I'm supposed to be checking this lead on Teyla… It might be nothing, but if I miss the meet, we'll never know. It won't take long, I promise I'll be gone an hour, 2 tops. And when I get back," John licked his lips like he was mentally undressing Rodney in that alcove, "I promise, we're going to talk."

It wasn't so much the words, but the way John said them. There was no mask, nothing hidden. All the emotions were there, radiating from his eyes. And Rodney knew, he just knew it was going to be okay. This time John was right there with him.

Feeling weak and rubbery, Rodney leaned back onto the wall. He had to be sure. He needed more, more words to erase any lingering uncertainty in his mind, "Talk?"

"Maybe _more_ than talk?" John eyes promised everything needed to know and his smile...

God. His smile told him more than he ever dared to hope. Rodney only had to wait a little longer and then John would be his. They would be curled up together in his bed having the kind of sex that... Well, Rodney didn't know what kind of sex _exactly_ , but he knew whatever they did, it was going be better than anything they'd ever done before.

Despite his fears, he let himself believe it all. Flushed with the excitement of imagining what it would be like, he nodded eagerly in shock that all his dreams were about to come true.

The damn intercom blared again, "COLONEL SHEPPARD, REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM."

"I'm..." John had looked so disappointed that he couldn't reach out and enjoy even a moment more, "I'm gonna miss the rendezvous if I don't go now. But I'm going to be in your quarters in about an hour, okay?"

Intoxicated with happiness, Rodney just kept nodding, even after John was gone. It took him some time to let it sink in that this wasn't a dream or fantasy. This was really happening. He'd come up with an excuse not to return to the lab for the rest of the day. He'd raced to his quarters to shower and prepare everything he possibly could think of.

There was still so much time to wait, He'd waited, and waited. But John never came back. Even when he did come back, it wasn't the same John. Something had changed. No, everything had changed completely. It wasn't the same John that left him in that alcove.

Or maybe it was. Maybe the John that almost kissed him that day was the real stranger. A figment, a fleeting shadow from another universe he will never fathom.

"Rodney… I have to talk to you… I've needed to tell you for some time…"

Oh, why couldn't John just have told him before it was too late? Before the fleeting glimpse vanished forever. Rodney sighs as he strokes himself.

Even if John never reveals what he'd needed to express 'for some time now', Rodney fantasizes about what it was.

He dreams about telling John how much he loves him… he no longer has to deny his real feelings. The ones he's tried to bury for so long now, the truth of it that never fades.

It doesn't matter that Rodney's repressed soldier can never return the feelings, Rodney is hopelessly in love with him and always will be.

He'll always love John despite how pointless it is, despite the fact that John will never be his.

No, wait, it's _his_ fantasy and in his fantasy, John loves him back.

John comes back for him the way he promised. He comes back to Rodney's room and fucks him the way he used to. No, not like that, different... John touches him tenderly the way he did in the alcove before he left.

Stroking his cock, Rodney imagines what their first kiss would have been like. There is no holding back, John shows him everything that is in his heart. And the way he loves Rodney is so complete, he is whole, home at last

Yeah. It's his fantasy so John loves him.

Oh God. John loves him and can't fucking live without him… he has to have Rodney... he can't bear being apart anymore.

Oh yeah. Fuck. John is taking him so deep now. Rodney gasps as he pumps into his hand for release.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

"Oh, God. Rodney." John strokes his cock with eyes half closed, imagining finally telling Rodney just how much he loves him.

Rodney shudders the way his copy did when Shep kissed him; he whispers the words back to John.

It's his fantasy... and in his fantasy Rodney loves him the same way, he wants John so badly.

John throws Rodney playfully to the bed. As they curl up into each other, Rodney writhes in pleasure under him and moans his name.

They are kissing deeply, intoxicated by the thrill of finally touching each other again, confessing how much they've missed this.

He holds Rodney close as he takes him... so close. Rodney needs John to give it to him now, needs him in the same way.

Rodney is wide-eyed and overwhelmed by the passion as John kisses away his fluster and begins moving inside him intently, purposefully…

With every thrust, John feels the emotion bursting through his chest. He is giving Rodney everything that is in his heart. He isn't just fucking him, he's making Rodney feel how much he loves him, how much he's always loved him.

And Rodney surrenders to him completely, telling John over and over how much he loves him too.

Rodney is his, completely his. God. He's never wanted anyone but John and they'll never be apart again.

 _"Rodney"_

John's balls tighten and he cums, gushing into his hand, _"Rodney... Rodney, oh God. ...God!"_

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.

On the way into the control room, John teases Rodney about dropping Teyla's baby. Teasing is at least one way he can still connect with Rodney.

It's funny to hear Rodney complain about Teyla not trusting him with Torren. Well, the funny part is how fixated Rodney has become on the idea of kids. He's not exactly been the greatest with them in the past. Just not the most kid friendly guy. But now it really seems to bother him that he might not be good at it. Or maybe it's just Rodney's ego having trouble handling the idea of not being great at everything.

Their banter is interrupted by a contact reading. It's a ship that suddenly appeared on sensors. Out of nowhere, the thing just appeared in orbit around the planet. And with no hyperspace window to explain it's arrival. What's more, it turns out to be the Daedalus.

But It can't be the Daedalus, can it? Last they heard it was weeks away, heading back to Earth.

Rodney reads no life signs aboard and the Daedalus is not replying to hails. Stranger still, SGC confirms that the Daedalus is in the Milky Way, on course and on schedule.

When the team makes it aboard the ghost ship, the first thing they notice is that all the F-302's are missing from the bay. Instead, there is just a lone Puddlejumper. The abandoned vessel seems to have been through a few fights and most of the systems are depleted. But there is a strange energy reading coming from an interior lab.

They soon discover the reason for the extra Jumper.

There are bodies on board. _Their_ bodies. Just the four of them.

The whole thing freaks John out but he leaves the outward panicking to Rodney. His job is to stay in command, so he acts calm and discusses Rodney's theory that the ship came from a parallel universe. That's what Rodney thinks the strange device in the lab is, a new drive – one that can jump between realities.

The tablet Rodney found on the body of his alternate is filled with calculations that seem to confirm this. John just hopes Rodney can make more progress with it before they end up meeting the same fate as their alternate selves. Because the drive seems to be jumping randomly through realities, there's a good chance they could end up being marooned the same way their copies were.

Since they've been on board, the ship has already jumped once in it's ongoing journey through parallel dimensions; each time it automatically recharges then fires up again, taking the ship to the next reality. And there seems to be no way to stop it. Somehow it uses power directly from subspace. Which is weird since the other times Rodney's tried to manage tapping into subspace directly, they've had disastrous consequences with the build up of exotic particles.

John would have thought even a Rodney from a parallel reality would have known better; after blowing up a solar system and then nearly destroying their own entire universe that time Jeanie helped him build that 'bridge'. Rodney seems to think a few of his alternate selves have been perfecting the problems with the original drive and is fascinated by the possibilities; he thinks the original crew abandoned ship with the F-302's and a couple of his alternate selves have been working on the problems since the ghost ship set sail.

As Rodney works on the drive, the team struggles to keep the ship together and brace themselves for the new and dangerous situations they are thrown into each time the drive skips to a new reality.

In one of the realities, they are suddenly immersed in the coronasphere of a sun. At first it doesn't make sense since the drive itself isn't supposed to move their position in relative space.

But Rodney recalls when John was thrown into the future, that the Eidolon sun was an expanding red giant. He speculates that the ship hasn't actually moved in space, in this dimension it is just the sun has expanded sooner than it would have in theirs.

John remembers the scorch and heat of that sun vividly. That was when he lost Rodney… stranded on that barren desert. At first he thought he was going to find a way to return home to Rodney, take him in his arms, and finally tell him how much he loves him.

John hates that fucking sun.

One moment he'd been ready to confess that Rodney was the love of his life... actually thinking Rodney felt the same way. The next, everything was gone… All he had left was the empty knowledge that Rodney was bound to love Jennifer instead.

Eventually Rodney figures out a way to send the drive into reverse, tracking backward along the line of jumps the ship has already made. But the adjustments required have sped up the timing of the shifts and they don't have much time left before it burns out completely.

As they make their way to the hanger bay, one of the aliens they fought in a previous reality surprises them in an attack. Rodney gets shot in the arm with a laser while John and Ronon take the strange bio-man down. Unfortunately, not before the thing arms a self-destruct.

They all get away from the blast in time. But their passage through to the is hanger gone. In fact, Rodney tells them that the hanger itself has been depressurized and they have now lost the Jumpers.

The kicker is, in order to escape that sun's deadly radiation, they'd changed the trajectory of the ship by repairing the sublight engines enough to get them to a safe distance. Now when the ship jumps back to their reality, they won't be anywhere close enough for Atlantis to detect them. Eventually Atlantis should pick something up , but not before the ship jumps again.

Rodney comes up with the idea to get into spacesuits and hope they can last long enough for Atlantis to detect them.

So into the suits they go. They float in the vacuum of space, defenseless, dwindling oxygen, but at least back in their own reality.

John closes his eyes against the darkness of space around them. Somehow in his mind the searing bright sun is still there behind it all, waiting for him. Radiating like a reminder of a love that burns too bright, a need that has consumed everything and left him as seared and barren as that desert world.

.  
.

After their close call and rescue by one of the Jumpers sent out to investigate an anomalous reading, John visits Rodney in the infirmary. He props himself up on the adjacent gurney and they begin to chat while playing a round of video golf on their tablets.

"How many jumps do you think that drive has left in it before it burns out?" John wonders.

"Half a dozen, tops." Rodney answers absently, "Then it'll be completely burnt, inert."

"Good, I'd hate to think of somebody else getting trapped inside like we did."

"Actually, you know, I've been thinking about that. Now, true, the navigation system was flawed to start with, but, um, the basic principles of the drive are fundamentally sound-"

"Forget it, Rodney." John shakes his head without looking up from the game.

"I've saved the relevant data. Minor adjustments, and I should be able to have this thing up and running."

John raises his voice slightly but keeps his eyes glued to the screen, "Like I said, forget it."

Teyla walks in holding her son and John finally looks up, "Hey, look who's here."

"How's your shoulder, Rodney?" She asks.

"It's pretty bad, but you know, better, thanks."

She smiles at Rodney, "Is it well enough to hold him?"

John looks to Rodney. He'd been complaining so much earlier that Teyla wouldn't ever trust him to hold the baby after his small fumble.

"Really?" Rodney looks so pleased.

"Don't drop him." John teases as Teyla hands the infant to Rodney.

"Hey there, little guy." Rodney's face lights up as he speaks to the infant; it surprising how naturally affectionate he is as he cradles the boy, "I think he likes me."

"It suits you." Teyla sounds as surprised as John is.

"You think so?" Rodney sounds hopeful.

Teyla nods, "I think you'll make an excellent father one day."

Making a sneering face, John stands up to go, "I've seen a lot of scary things in my time, but, ah, that thought scares me the most."

As he walks away, John hopes that sounded joking enough. He doesn't want to seem demeaning about Rodney's dream, or let any of his bitterness show through.

But it really does disturb him to think of Rodney doing the whole white picket fence thing. Getting married to some girl, having babies. It's the life Rodney wants and it has nothing to do with John. He tries not to dwell on it since none of that has happened yet, but his stomach burns with dread.

Waiting and wanting Rodney… watching for the signs that he and Jennifer are really meant to be together, it has been a torture hard to endure. Everyday he feels like he is quietly coming apart and soon there will be nothing left. He imagines it's just a matter of time before Rodney gets up the nerve to ask Jennifer out.

There's still a chance that Rodney might not fall in love with her. John wants to beg Rodney to be with him instead, to give him another chance. And if Rodney keeps being so slow about making a move, John might cave and throw out his whole mission. He just might be selfish and try to take Rodney for himself.

But that would mean putting his own happiness first; he couldn't live with himself for doing that. He wants everything for Rodney, everything that Rodney has ever desired. As long as Rodney is truly happy, John tells himself he can live with it.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

When Rodney thinks about how many times he's gotten his hopes up with John, he could just kick himself. It's beyond pathetic. There was a time when Rodney used to think John was doing it to play games with him, but he knows now that John isn't trying to be cruel.

He's just… very confused and repressed. Rodney should just know better by now, it is pointless to become tangled up in John's emotional web. John will never give Rodney what he wants. He needs to accept that, no matter how much he wishes it could be different. If he is angry with anyone, it's himself, for falling so far down the rabbit-hole again.

If Rodney can manage to keep a bit of distance from John emotionally, maybe he can get some self-control back. What he needs to do is redirect his focus. Yeah. He resolves to do something about his crush on Dr. Keller instead, maybe even ask her out at some point. Anything to stop obsessing over John.

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.


	76. John's never known how to say goodbye

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Rodney feels silly for making such a fuss about being cold and miserable on the mission. Sure, it felt like he was dying at the time; drenched and huddled atop the Stargate after the glacial water flooded the valley. It was freezing but no one else was complaining as much as he was.

He doesn't even feel sick now and Jennifer says his tests came back normal like everyone else. Must have just been low blood sugar that caused him to pass out in the rescue Jumper. Actually, he feels downright chipper... almost... happy.

Despite the fact that he's wearing a hospital gown and lying on a gurney, Rodney feels completely unselfconscious and humorous; flirting easily with Jennifer.

When the food she ordered him arrives, he jokes, "Just what the doctor ordered."

"Funny." Jennifer laughs.

"Do you want my fruit cup?" Rodney lifts it up to her.

"No, no, no." She waves him back.

"I think you do." Rodney teases.

"Eating from the patient's tray is kind of frowned upon." Jennifer replies with mock seriousness.

"Jennifer, we practically dated." He insinuates effortlessly.

"You bought me one drink." She smiles in amusement, "That's hardly dating."

Right, so now, I'm asking you to have dinner with me." Rodney shakes the fruit cup, "I mean, such as it is."

Jennifer actually appears charmed by is manner and sits on the side of the bed taking the dessert, "I do love the fruit cup."

"Not that this is exactly the kind of dinner I had in mind," Rodney continues, "but…"

"Is that an invitation?" Jennifer gives him a sly look.

"Only if you promise to accept." Rodney grins.

.  
.

Everything is great the next few days.

Rodney finds himself getting along with everyone at work, even making them laugh. His mood is bright and uncharacteristically optimistic. Maybe he could even get over this heartbreak with John somehow.

With his newfound confidence, he considers taking a risk and asking Jennifer out on a real date. The thought of being rejected still terrifies him but he thinks he might just be able to get up the nerve.

Sending a happy message to Jeanie, Rodney finds himself feeling overly sentimental, gushing about how much he loves her, how he can't wait to see her and the rest of the family again. He revels in how well things are going for him, despite the fact that he and Katie are no longer seeing each other.

Rambling on, he begins to confide that there is someone he plans to ask out -someone who might even say yes.

"Of course, the person I really want to be with isn't interested in me." Rodney laughs, "But isn't that the story of my life."

"Well…" he pauses, "we did almost kiss a few months ago… I still don't know what to think about that.

I mean, basically I've been in love with… this person, for years. We always get _so_ close, but it never happens… One time, a few years back, when _I_ tried to kiss hi-, eh, them, they totally freaked out on me. So, now I'm trying to be content with friendship, because, well, we are pretty close...

But it's so weird, …I mean, I really thought something _was_ about to happen when we almost… Ah, never mind all that. I should have known, that's just how... my friend is.

I think I'm going to set aside my unrequited love once and for all", Rodney lifts his chin with an air of dignified resignation, "I bet by my next message, I'll have something juicy to tell you. Probably just another epic rejection, but you never know, could be a new girl in my life…

Well, until then please send more videos of Madison playing the piano, I love them and she's too adorable. I really love you and the whole family so much. Okay, talk to you soon, Jeanie!"

Everything is great, really great.

Except Rodney has started to notice some weird memory lapses. Maybe he's just being paranoid, but he's definitely been more absentminded and less focused.

He visits Jennifer in the infirmary with the idea that maybe they should start some kind of daily monitoring regime to make sure nothing is medically wrong. This will also give him the added benefit of having the excuse to come see her every day.

She immediately agrees, seeming more than a little concerned about some of the incidents he's described to her.

"That just doesn't sound like you, Rodney." Jennifer shakes her head, "I don't want to feed too much into your genius complex here, but we all know how sharp your mind is. I want to conduct some more tests to see if something could be causing a degree of mild memory loss."

.

.

Day 1:

"It's recording" Jennifer smiles as she holds the video camera.

"Well, aren't you supposed to say 'Action' or something?" Rodney teases her lightheartedly. "Oh sorry. Kidding. Okay, here we go...

My name is Dr. Rodney McKay. I am head of science and research departments here in Atlantis, in the Pegasus galaxy, in the local cluster, in the universe as we know it. Um, the purpose of this log is to provide a baseline for myself and for Dr. Keller to monitor the progress of my, um, uh, memory loss."

Rodney laughs at himself for drawing a momentary blank while talking about memory loss, "Ironic, isn't it? Um, by reciting the aforementioned, as well as a list of things I know like the back of my hand, starting with Pi, to, say, 12 decimals. 3.1415926535…"

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Day 4:

Though Rodney still feels in good humor, he knows something is wrong with his mind. Something that's getting worse. He's trying to stay optimistic that Jennifer will get to the bottom of whatever's going on with him. But if it weren't for John staying with him every night and tending to him constantly, honestly Rodney doesn't know what he'd do.

"Rodney." John's voice pulls him back from his thoughts, "You're doing that staring thing again."

He blinks, looking over to John sitting next to him on the couch; then frowns, hunching his shoulders in as he apologizes, "Sorry. I just... the truth of it is, I'm starting to get kind of scared that I'm not gonna get better."

John slides his arm around Rodney's shoulders and pulls him close, "Hey, We're going to figure this out, okay?" His hand rubs Rodney's back with a reassuring sway, "You''ll be back to making condescending comments to me in no time."

"Am I really that bad?" Rodney asks sadly.

"No!" John squeezes his other arm around him to give Rodney a full hug, "Well, yeah but that's part of your charm, I'm kinda used to it and I'd miss it if you didn't throw one my way every once and a while."

Shaking his head, Rodney worries, "I'm not me anymore, I don't feel the same and... what if I'm not coming back?"

John's hand lifts up to touch the side of Rodney's face as he stares at him intently, "Then I'll be here to remind you." He suddenly wraps Rodney in a tight grip, "I won't let you go. Promise."

Back when they were in Scotland, John said he'd never leave him; Rodney gives a small sigh and lets his head fall into John's chest, "You promise?"

"Promise" John pulls the blanket around both of them; his head leans down into the embrace and Rodney can feel John's lips resting lightly against his collarbone.

He loves it when John holds him like this. He... Well, he loves John. Rodney wants to tell him that right now. What if he's dying and he never gets the chance? If he doesn't get better he has to tell John how much he means to him, he has to...

"You tired?" John's lips murmur against his shoulder.

"Mmm" It's late but Rodney's afraid to sleep, he feels so much safer here in John's arms, "Let's watch one more movie first."

John moves to activate the playback, then settles back into their repose with his arms wrapped protectively around Rodney. As the film starts, Rodney closes his eyes and snuggles closer.

.

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* * *

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Day 5:

Reaching for the clicker and turning off the movie, John keeps running one hand over Rodney's hair.

"I guess it's over?" Rodney sounds sad as he tilts his head from John's lap and looks up.

Ever since John's realized that something was medically wrong with Rodney, he's been sleeping on this couch. During the day he spends as much time in the infirmary as possible. ,Jennifer's told him that whenever he leaves, Rodney becomes distraught.

He does whatever he can while Jennifer tries to work out a treatment; helping Rodney remember when he forgets something, running errands for him, and generally trying to keep him distracted and entertained from this problem they haven't been able to solve.

"I feel... scared to move." Rodney looks up apologetically, "I know it sounds stupid. But I feel like if I can just hold on..." his hand squeezes into John's leg, "to something... then, then I won't lose anything else. I won't slip away."

Honestly, John is just as scared. He bows his head down, his lips resting on Rodney's forehead.

He finds himself gripping Rodney as tightly as he can, "I've got you. I won't let you go, okay." It feels like maybe... if he just holds him close enough, nothing can take Rodney away from him.

Rodney heaves a big sigh of relief, his head seems to tilt up slightly, as if he is enjoying the feeling of John's face against his, "Keep holding me like this?" he asks in a fragile voice.

"Always" John's breath warms across Rodney's skin. His body presses closer as he cradles Rodney in his lap, he could hold him like this all night.

Still keeping his arms tight around Rodney, John trails is fingers across the soft skin of Rodney's brow, pulling them back through his hair and gently repeating the motion.

"Mmmm" Rodney makes a contented noise like he's half asleep, "Ss like Scotland... mmm you never left. 'N said you'd never leave... me."

John sweeps his hand possessively across Rodney's head and down the back of his neck, "I won't", Nestled against Rodney, he can't stop himself from giving a soft and reverent kiss to his brow, "I could never."

"Mmmm..." Rodney adjusts his head on John's lap, "'N-your...good pillow." His arms squeeze around John's waist.

A small exhale of amusement causes John's stomach to move, "Good" he murmurs into Rodney's ear, "That's what I was going for."

"Mmmm"

"Hold on." John reaches for the tangled blanket, pulling it back over Rodney's shoulders, "Better?"

"Mmmm"

He can feel Rodney's head give a slight nod.

"Mthere's something... 'fore I forget." Rodney gives a relaxed sigh, "wanted to, to tell you.. while I still can 'member."

"It's okay." John kisses Rodney's temple, "You don't have to remember anything right now. It's all okay."

"Um, butsssomething I wanted to say... 'S important... tell you...while I still, still can."

"Okay, it's okay." He knows Rodney gets upset when he can't remember something and wishes he wouldn't push himself right now; he wants to make him feel safe, "I've got you."

"Mmmkay" Rodney moans.

A short time later Rodney's breath becomes heavy and begins to make a cute little noise from his throat. Not really a snore. Just the occasional irregular soft flutter. John's slept in Rodney's room plenty of times and never heard it before. Maybe because it's so quiet. Or maybe Rodney is dreaming differently tonight.

Wherever his mind is right now, John hopes he's at peace. To perpetuate the feeling, he keeps petting Rodney's head. He won't let go, he won't ever let him go.

As the hours tick by, Rodney becomes heavy and still. The room is completely silent. John's back is beginning to hurt from holding himself in this position for so long.

Suddenly his stomach growls and the sound seems thunderous in the dim room. Oh. That's right. He forgot to eat anything for dinner.

Adjusting himself slightly, a spasm of pain twists in John's back like it's stuck on something. Uh, ow. Okay, maybe he could slide out from under Rodney's head for a moment. Grab something to eat... If Rodney doesn't wake, he could come back and sleep on the floor next to the couch.

Testing the waters, John lifts Rodney's head. Good, he's completely out. He presses his legs up slightly and scoots out from under, gently lowering Rodney back onto a real pillow. John kneels down and tucks the slipping blanket back around him.

God. Rodney looks so beautiful and perfect right now, like nothing is wrong. There is a physical, tangible ache in John's chest as he watches him sleep. It hurts thinking of all the things he's left unsaid.

"I won't lose you" John whispers possessively and winces his eyes shut.

He places his hand softly on the side of Rodney's face, "I told you once before but you wouldn't remember even if you weren't sick..." His finger traces the line of Rodney's angled cheek, "God. I love you. I've loved you for some time now…"

John leans forward and rests his head on Rodney's chest, "Don't ever leave me, okay?" A swell of emotion rips through him and tears spring to John's eyes. "Please don't ever leave me, Rodney. I can't live without you."

The sound of a choke catches in John's throat and he stills himself, not wanting to wake Rodney up. "Okay" he whispers, "I'm just going to get something to eat and I'll be right back, okay?"

Rodney's chest is still rising and falling in a perfect rhythm of deep sleep. John carefully creeps out of the room. Then quickly making his way to his quarters, he changes into a pair of long sweatpants and a comfortable T-shirt before he grabs a snack out of his little mini-fridge.

.  
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* * *

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Waking up with a jolt, Rodney looks around the darkened room in fear. He's alone. Earlier... there were people here visiting. What were they talking about? He can't remember.

But John, John stayed. Why isn't he here? What's happened? Oh God. Rodney starts to hyperventilate.

He has that feeling again... sliding into the abyss, oblivion. Jumping up off the couch he is terrified that everyone on Atlantis is gone. He knows it's irrational... But what if there's no one left but him and he just can't remember why...

Running through the halls in panic, he calls out, "John? John?"

Out of breath and confused he tries to find the way to John's quarters. Oh God-Oh God Oh-God. Wait. This looks right. It has to be.

"John! John!" Rodney's panic is rising to a fevered pitch, a sheen of sweat breaks out over his skin and he feels cold.

Forgetting to ring the bell, he pounds on the heavy metal door, frantically banging on the entrance, "John!"

The door opens. Rodney steps forward, feeling John grabbing him by the shoulders.

He tries to explain, "You were there, and then, then you…"

"Rodney, Rodney," John holds him steady, "I'm right here. What's wrong?"

In terror, Rodney tries to remember, "I woke up, everyone had left!"

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* * *

.  
.

John exhales with guilt, nodding his head. He should never have left, what was he thinking? Rodney needs him.

"Buddy, I'm… I'm sorry, I thought you had fallen asleep."

Rodney walks into the room with his head in his hands, "I was… I got so scared." He lifts his head to look back at John.

To project the love he feels, John places a hand on Rodney's shoulder.

Biting back the tears, Rodney admits, "I was sure that by morning what was left of my mind was gonna be gone!"

"I'm going to take you back to your quarters, okay?" John keeps his voice soft to calm Rodney.

He'll make sure he plans better next time, he can't leave Rodney by himself again. Jesus. He was just assuring Rodney how he wouldn't ever leave... and then he just goes and leaves him to wake up alone.

"John, John," Rodney clasps his arm, "I've never been so scared. I'm slipping away. I'm slipping away, and I don't know how to stop myself!"

Holding onto Rodney's forearms, John tries to comfort him; he squeezes Rodney protectively, "Look, you're still here. All right? You're still here."

"Yeah. I am." Rodney catches his breath and starts to seem less distressed.

"And I'm not going anywhere." Wide eyed, John holds onto Rodney intently.

He hopes Rodney will remember this old reference, a phrase Rodney once told John when he was scared to be alone, "You know, you want to hang out, you just hang out."

"I don't know what to do." Rodney looks so lost, "I don't know what to do with myself. I'm… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have woken you up." He starts to move like he plans to go.

"All right," John stops Rodney before he can leave, "Look, it's a nice night out. Let's go have some beer on the pier, okay?" He grips onto Rodney's shoulders, more firmly this time, to make sure he knows John isn't letting him go anywhere alone.

As he grabs some beer out of his mini-fridge, Rodney asks, "I drink beer?" He sounds baffled by the idea.

Glad some part of Rodney remembers how he rarely drinks, John lies, "Yeah, a lot." Even though Rodney is a lightweight John thinks a drink would do him some good.

Rodney's wearing a short sleeved shirt and John knows he gets cold easily, so he tosses him one of his jackets, "Take this"

With a six-pack in hand, John wraps his other arm around Rodney's back, guiding him, "Come on, buddy, let's go."

He takes them on their usual route to the North pier where they dangle their feet over the edge of the water. After having a beer Rodney almost seems like himself again.

John opens a second can and hands it to him.

"I don't know, should I have another?" Rodney looks doubtful.

"What could happen?" John opens one for himself as well.

"I shouldn't have banged on your door like that, I feel ridiculous."

"Don't." John stops him.

Rodney sighs, "I've been trying to remember the name of my sister's kid."

"Betty." John picks a name at random.

"Betty." Rodney repeats the name with care, then squints at John, "Pretty sure that's not it."

"It's Madison." John peers back, pleased that Rodney still has his instincts, "See? At least you remembered what it wasn't."

"It's an underrated skill." Rodney smiles.

"I'm just saying you may not be as far gone as you think." John feels like he's trying to convince himself as much as he is Rodney.

"I'm hiding it." Rodney tells him urgently, "Believe me, I've already forgotten more than most people will ever know, and I know that sounds… arrogant, is that right?"

"Yeah. That works." John gives a low laugh.

"This morning I was trying to help Zelenka finish a device that was apparently my idea. I was... useless…. Jennifer says it's going to get worse now almost by the hour. In a week or so, I won't even remember my name."

As John looks at Rodney, a grimace of pain passes across his face. He can't let himself think that way. They're going to beat this thing. There's got to be a cure.

But in his chest John feels a cold dread at the thought of losing Rodney forever. His face falls and he looks down to the water.

"How's about… How about we say goodbye now?" Rodney asks.

"No." John's voice comes out like a sad kid protesting the inevitable.

"What do you mean 'No'?" Rodney balks at his refusal.

"I mean I'm not saying goodbye." John answers rebelliously; he can't do it, he won't.

"I'm saying it anyway." Rodney persists.

"Well, I'm not listening." John hears his voice get louder and more petulant; he doesn't care how stupid it is but it feels like if he refuses to accept this that, well that maybe he has some control over it.

"Yeah, but pretty soon I won't even know who you are." Rodney argues.

"Then I'll remind you." John turns his face away to hide his emotions and mashes his lips together.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney doesn't understand why John won't do this for him, "Yeah, but I don't want you to see me like that, I want you to remember me as I am, as your genius friend."

"Not happening." John sounds like a stern soldier.

"Please." Rodney begs.

"You're stuck with me, Rodney!" John shouts. Then his voice lowers to a softer pitch, "Just accept it."

"Yeah but-"

"NO!" John's thunderous and insistent tone cuts Rodney off. To make his point, John puts up a finger and whispers hoarsely, "That's final."

"Okay." Rodney shakes his head sadly; he'd really wanted to say goodbye, to tell John everything he feels before it's too late, before he forgets. It pains him not to be able to say how much he really loves him. In his whole life he's never loved anyone or anything more.

But John just looks relieved that Rodney has stopped fighting him over this. Relief washes over his face as he drinks from his beer can again.

Fine. John doesn't want to deal with emotions. What else is new? But Rodney has to get through to him somehow. Maybe if he turns it into a joke, something that will make him laugh, he can still convey how much John means to him.

He recalls a reference from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe, Life and Everything'. Funny the things you remember when you're losing your mind. He forgets his sister's kid but everything about the plot of that Science Fiction book is crystal clear right now.

Keeping a straight face, he tells John, "You're a good friend, Arthur."

For a moment John looks like he doesn't know what to think, then he spits out his beer, laughing with Rodney.

.  
.


	77. Next of kin

.  
.

Day 6:

Rodney's fears from the night before turn out to be prophetic. By the next evening, he is feeling almost intoxicated, his mood is... silly and he finds himself laughing too easily. But things are only coming to him in fragments now, he can feel his mind is going.

From moment to moment he doesn't even seem to be able to remember what he's saying or doing. Frequently he becomes confused about who he is talking to. In order to stabilize himself, he often repeates the name of the person present with him. At least when he can remember what their name is.

At least he hasn't forgotten John yet.

Complaining to the woman taping him with a video camera, he jokes, "Remind me to register a complaint with whoever's idea this was."

"Ah, it was yours, actually." She explains.

... Jennifer, that's who he's talking with, Rodney remembers now, "Oh. Oh… Well, complaint duly registered" Rodney thinks his voice sounds cartoonish.

"It was a good idea to keep a record of what's happening to you and how fast, but if you'd rather not…"

"No, it's fine." Rodney mumbles, "It's fine. Start with my name, right?"

"Right."

"I remembered something." Rodney brightens, speaking in his childish voice, "Yea! My name is Doctor Rodney McKay."

He continues, "I'm head of the department of science something in Atlantis, in the, um…. For God's sake… In the Pegasus galaxy."

"Okay, not bad, keep going."

It's taken all his concentration to recount this basic information. Rodney's trying his best to focus. But there's something else he's thinking about. Something that started long before any of this. And he's afraid it will slip away before he can utter it.

Concentrating again he repeats the name of the woman he's talking to, "Jennifer, there's…"

There's something he wanted to tell John before he loses the chance, "There's something I wanted to...um..."

He has to tell John before his mind disappears and is gone forever, "You know, while I remember, while I still can, something I wanted to say before..."

"Go ahead." she reassures him.

Rodney smiles seeing John in his mind; the boyish, playful, charismatic face that makes his heart swell… The strong, lean figure that makes Rodney's cock hard….

He knows John's not really here with him now, he's talking to a camera. But John can see it later. All that matters is that he says it before everything is gone. Then John will know.

"I… love you, I've loved you for some time now."

There. He's finally said it.

But now he feels confused again. He's forgotten where he is.

Okay, okay... He's in the medical lab with…. with, what's her name?

Jennifer. Right. And what had they been talking about?

Oh. The, uh, the thing, the thing he says to the camera about his job or whatever.

"Okay," Rodney blinks to try to focus his scattered thoughts, "where was I?"

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Day 10:

John's never known how to say goodbye, but after talking with Jennifer in detail about Rodney's prognosis, he regrets it.

He really regrets not saying goodbye when Rodney had asked him to. He regrets not telling him how much he loves him before it was too late. He can barely handle the grief but he tries to stay strong for Rodney because that's what he needs from John now.

Spending most of his time in the infirmary helping Jennifer tend to him, John rarely leaves his side. But it seems like Rodney is barely with them anymore. He often talks in partial sentences, familiar words, strung together in pieces.

Other moments he is more lucid. He always tries his best when Jennifer is recording him. But the disease is taking it's toll. His moods are getting erratic. Sometimes he throws things and screams in frustration. Sometimes he just cries. But John is always there to hold him.

He knows it's time to send Jeanie a message and talks to Woolsey about getting word to her, bringing her to Atlantis. She deserves the chance to say _some_ kind of goodbye before Rodney... God. He can't even think about it. But Jennifer really thinks he's dying.

John won't let himself think like that. There's still a chance, a hope that Jennifer will find a of solution to counteract the parasite growing in Rodney's brain. Until then he just needs to make sure Rodney never wakes up scared or alone. John will be there whenever he needs him.

.

.

Day 20:

John greets Jeanie warmly when she arrives and takes her to the medical observation area. Jennifer wants to play her a tape first, to lessen the shock and give her some idea of Rodney's state before she sees her brother.

He stands close to Jeanie as Jennifer puts in the tape.

Rodney would want him to be strong for her, to give his sister some comfort. He can't come apart right now or lose himself in grief, not while there's anything that can still be done to lesson Rodney or Jeanie's pain.

Jeanie frowns at the screen as the tape begins to play.

 _"You can go ahead Rodney." Jennifer urges._

 _Rodney looks so perplexed. "I don't remember where to start."_

 _"Sure you do." Jennifer speaks like a teacher to a young child._

 _"No." He retorts in a voice that is strangely child-like._

 _Jennifer reminds him, "Start with your name like we've been doing, okay? And we'll just go from there."_

 _"My name…" the reply is halting, slurred, "My name is… Mr. Rodney McKay"_

 _"No." Jennifer corrects him like he's gotten the answer to a test question wrong._

 _"Yes." Rodney's eyes are dull, unfocused._

 _"Come on, now." Jennifer uses an encouraging tone, "You're 'DR'. McKay, remember?"_

 _He rocks from side to side, "No, I'm… I'm not 'nymore. I'm not... smart anymore. Doctors are smart, so'm... mister now."_

 _"Okay." Jennifer sounds sad but she doesn't argue._

 _"I use to be the smartest person ever." Rodney is pained and confused as he tries to think, "And… And now, and now, 'm not."_

 _"That's what we're trying to fix, right?"_

 _"No." Rodney rubs his neck, "No, you can't fix me."_

 _"You know we're trying our very best-"_

 _"No, you can't." Suddenly Rodney is disturbed, rocking his whole body, "You can't. You can't."_

 _"It's okay." Jennifer tries to distract him, "Rodney, what's the next thing you're supposed to say?"_

 _"Where…" Looking around the room in a panic Rodney asks, "Where did John go?"_

God. It breaks John's heart watching this. Any time he'd had to leave, even for a minute, Jennifer would tell him how emotional and upset Rodney would get. He remembers that day. When he came back in, Rodney had just thrown his chair across the room.

 _"He just had to go away for a few minutes." Jennifer answers in a placating tone, "He'll be right-"_

 _"John!" Rodney looks so terrified and alone John wants to reach through the screen and hug him._

 _"Rodney, I'M your friend," Jennifer says firmly, "I'm right here."_

 _Tears begin to well up in Rodney's eyes, "Where are you John?!... JOHN!"_

Jennifer stops the footage telling Jeanie it only got worse from there.

It's gut wrenching for John watching this footage from 5 days ago. Why had he left Rodney that day? It hadn't been for long, but it was enough for Rodney to have felt abandoned. It feels like he's failed completely.

He wants to rage but stays silent with his soldier's face. Jeanie is here and it's _her_ time to grieve.

Jeanie looks up in anger, "Why the hell didn't you tell me my brother was this far gone?"

"It happened pretty fast, Jeanie" John answers mournfully.

"No, I…" Jeanie gestures to the video screen, "I got a message from him just a couple of weeks ago. He… He seemed perfectly fine. He'd never been so nice."

"That would have been shortly after he became infected." Jennifer answers, "I didn't recognize the symptoms in time."

John knows that Jennifer is blaming herself again, she's said it to him enough times. But he knows she's done everything she could; John's been there with her every step of the way watching her emotional distress as she's toiled day and night.

So once again he tells her that it's not her fault.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Maybe her anger is misplaced, but Jeanie feels antagonistic towards this doctor Keller. Surely they could have tried something else, or someone else to help him when they saw he wasn't getting better.

She turns her attention away from the doctor as Mr. Woolsey speaks to her, "Frankly, Mrs. Miller, we contacted you as soon as we became aware of the seriousness of his condition. In fact, Daedalus dropped you off at the first available gate in Pegasus because we were concerned that you wouldn't make it here in time. We thought you deserved a chance to say goodbye."

Reeling with grief, Jeanie watches her brother on the video monitor. He is sitting in a wheelchair, looking frail as Dr. Keller goes into the room to speak with him.

"Dr. Keller wanted to take a moment to prepare him for your visit." Woolsey explains.

"Yeah," Jeanie nods her head, "I um, think I need a moment myself…"

Crestfallen, Jeanie makes her way down to the room and pulls a chair close to her brother, "Meredith? It's me. It's Jeanie, I'm…"

"You're my... sister" Rodney seems to rouse from his stupor.

"Yes." Jeanie brightens that he recognizes her.

Rodney struggles, his voice sounding thick, "Meredith's my... real name."

"It's your first name, that's right… but you never liked it."

"No." Rodney stumbles on the words, "No, 's a girl's name."

"Sometimes, yes." Jeanie smiles and nods trying to keep herself from crying, "But, you go by Rodney."

Her brother goes vacant again mumbling over and over, "Rodney McKay. Mr. Rodney McKay. Rodney McKay. Rodney McKay."

Then he stops and Jeanie realizes that he is looking at her again, "You're crying because of me?" he asks.

"No," she can't stop the tears streaming down her cheeks, "I'm crying because I missed you very much."

"'Cause you're my sister." Rodney puzzles.

"That's right." Jeanie talks through her tears, trying to act normal, to make _him_ feel normal... or at least less... Oh God.

"I'm… sick…"

"I know. I know. I'm here now… I'm… sweetie." Jeanie can't do it anymore she's going to start sobbing, "I just need to go outside for one second, okay? I will be right back. I promise."

She runs from the room. Ronon is there and catches her in his arms. She tries to say something, but loses control, sobbing into his chest.

"I just need a second." She pulls back telling him, "I just don't want him to see…"

"I know how you feel." he tells her "I felt the same way."

"I'll go back in." Jeanie tries to compose herself, "I will. He needs me, and I want to be able to say goodbye, but it's like… It's like he's already gone."

"I know." Ronon's voice is warm with compassion, and he looks at her pointedly, "There's a way."

"What?" Jeanie blinks up through her tears, "How?"

"It's a place. I've been there before. He'll be himself again, and you can say goodbye."

"I don't understand," Jeanie wipes her face, "then why haven't you already taken him?"

"Because it's dangerous, but I'm willing to risk it if you are."

.

.

Later that night, Jeanie knocks on the infirmary door to have an honest talk with Doctor Keller. She is shown a scan of the parasite and Jennifer begins explaining how her brother's condition will deteriorate. Soon his organs will begin shutting down and he will lose control of all bodily functions.

Jeanie interrupts, "Ronon's people call the disease second childhood."

"You talked to Ronon." Jennifer sounds dismissive.

"Yes."

"Okay", Jennifer begins, "I know what he's told you-"

"That he's dying, and there's nothing you can do."

"No," Jennifer is emphatic, "he's dying and I'm doing _everything_ I can."

"I have to ask you." Jeanie can't hide the hostility in her voice, "Why did you tell me you didn't recognize the symptoms in time?"

Folding her arms defensively Jennifer begins, "Because he was already showing the signs when he came back from the mission, and…. I didn't see it"

Jennifer goes on to admit she let her personal feelings get in the way because she was infatuated by how open and approachable Rodney was being.

"If I wasn't so taken by the new Rodney McKay, the parasite might have been small enough for me to operate without causing significant brain trauma. By the time he started to forget, it was too late."

She tries to tell Jeanie that she hasn't given up on a treatment, but Jeanie has other things she wants to discuss, "Ronon told me about this place that could give Mere one more day as himself again before he dies."

Jennifer objects but Jeanie cuts her off brusquely, "And that you're the one who won't let him go."

Keller goes quiet under Jeanie's stare.

"I just have one more question." Jeanie asks.

"Sure." Jennifer nods.

"How long have you been on Atlantis?"

Jennifer frowns in confusion, "I don't see what that has to do with-"

Jeanie narrows her eyes fiercely and Jennifer buckles, "Uh, I guess about a year."

"Thank you." Jeanie nods tersely and promptly leaves the infirmary.

So despite Jennifer's crush on her brother, she's not the unrequited love he told her about. Maybe she's the woman Mere was planning to ask out, but not the one he really loves.

She isn't surprised.

Something about the way Mere avoided pronouns made Jeanie think it might be a man. He'd had a boyfriend in college but she doesn't know if he's dated any men since then. Mostly he's talked about women, had a few girlfriends... though few and far between. She'd supposed that his interest in men was probably just a phase… until now.

Remembering the desperate way he'd been calling for John on that tape, she wonders if he's the one Mere loves. The two of them have been working together for over 4 years. It would fit. God, there's something so hopelessly sad about the fact that she'll never know who this person was that her brother cared for so deeply.

She sighs; it's all too late now. She'll never get that next message from him with all the juicy details... she'll never get to hear when he finally finds that person that makes him happy.

These kinds of things shouldn't matter when there's so little time left. But all she can think about is everything that _could_ have been, the life she wanted her brother to live, the life she was just beginning to be a part of again. Jeanie covers her face with her hands and sobs.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John has been touched by the display of loyalty and dedication Ronon has shown for Rodney throughout this ordeal. He seems determined not to let Rodney down. He's so dead set on giving Rodney his one last chance to say goodbye 'with honor'; the way Ronon says his grandfather once did after contracting the parasite.

Although Woolsey is skeptical about the existence of this healing shrine, Ronon is adamant it's power is real. He insists the place will offer the gift of one last day of health, followed by a quick death. Even though the planet is overrun by Wraith now, he won't give up until they find a way to bring Rodney there.

When John questions the logistics, Ronon gets hotheaded and yells, "I owe him this! I'll take him myself."

"Hold on, hold on." John stops Ronon before he can leave, "We know for a fact that there are 2 Hive ships and 10,000 Wraith on the ground." John wants to do this too but they need a solid plan.

"Fine make your plan." Ronon grunts.

Interjecting into the conversation, Jennifer is firm that Rodney isn't going anywhere without her permission. As far as she is concerned, unless Rodney explicitly consents, he is staying put. She takes them all to the infirmary to make her point.

She steps up to the bed first, telling Rodney that John is here. Since his presence is one of the only things that can rouse him from his stupor, Rodney immediately brightens as John walks up to the gurney. John wishes so much he could just take Rodney in his arms, but in front of everyone else all he can do is smile back fondly.

They try to discuss the plan with Rodney but he is unable to comprehend anything at this point. John is shaken by the sight of him mumbling and staring off in the distance. They have nothing to lose now; Rodney is so far gone.

Jennifer insists that without consent, she will not let him go and that is final. John envies her as she protectively returns to Rodney's side, petting the back of his head. Even now, he burns with jealousy.

But Jeanie has other plans. As the next of kin, it is her decision to make and no one else has a right to interfere. She has a talk with Jennifer and sets her straight.

They end up using a MALP to distract the Wraith while John flies a cloaked Jumper into the wormhole. He pilots through the valley until they find the location Ronon described. The terrain is difficult, he lands as close as he can, but they have to walk the rest of the way.

Rodney is frail and it takes some time to maneuver him up the path and into the cave or 'shrine' as Ronon calls it. As they approach they pick up some strange radiation readings coming from the interior.

John slings his arm around Rodney's shoulder to usher him in as Rodney is distraught and confused, "John?"

"Just hang in there buddy." John grips him more tightly.

Inside the cave, Rodney begins stuttering that he wants to go. John asks him to wait just a little longer. Suddenly Rodney is screaming, grasping his head. Jeanie reaches out to help John hold him upright.

Then Rodney's violent shaking stops, he straightens up, looking at his sister, "Jeanie?"

"I'm here Mere." She answers in wonder.

"Yeah, obviously." Rodney is sarcastic.

"He's back." John whispers to Jeanie in excitement.

He looks at Rodney and wishes he could be alone with him. Just for a moment to hold him and express his love… It's a selfish thought, they're here for Jeanie.

"Will someone please tell me what the hell we're all doing here?" Rodney demands.

Ronan explains they are in the Shrine of Talus and Rodney gets annoyed.

"Thank you, Mr. Information. Since when did he become Ronon the Explainer, and why am I not in the infirmary? What am I, better?... I AM better!"

Jennifer breaks the news to him that he is not.

"Mere," Jeannie steps forward, "we brought you here so we could have a chance to say goodbye to each other… but you're only going to feel like this for about a day. That's just how it works."

"What?!" Rodney looks at them in betrayal.

"What do you remember?" John asks gently.

He turns to John sharply, "I remember you not wanting me to say goodbye then. Why now, all of the sudden? Look, and why one day? What's with that?"

Teyla speaks, "It is the gift of the shrine and from all of us who risked great danger to bring you here, one last chance to be with those you love."

"And then what?" Rodney falters as he sees the solemn faces of his friends and gasps, "I die?!"

"With honor." Ronon tells him.

"And dignity." Teyla chimes in.

"Yeah, well screw that," Rodney sputters, "I'll just stay here."

"It doesn't work that way." Ronan answers with a heavy voice.

"Why not?" Rodney demands.

John tells him that this is a Wraith controlled planet.

"And we're detecting ionizing radiation…" Jeanie explains, "In fact, we shouldn't be standing this close to the shrine."

After a mini rant about the unfairness of the situation Rodney calms down, "Look, I'm sorry, I just… I thought I was going to be okay, and now you tell me..."

He looks around, "Do you have some kind of itinerary planned?"

"Well," John looks to the food, "actually, we're going to have a big feast first."

"Last supper, huh?" Rodney sounds tired.

John walks to get the provisions, "Well, suits your messiah complex."

"True." Rodney admits.

"Please don't be mad at me." Jeanie begs her brother.

"I guess if I had to choose the people I would spend my last day with, then…" Rodney trails off distracted by the sound of Jennifer taking sensor readings.

Ronon calls him back to come join the party and have some fun, but Rodney is taking his own readings now, "Hey, for me this _is_ fun. Just save me some ham."

.  
.


	78. Resurrection song

.

.

Once Rodney is put under, John holds his head stable and places bandages around the area to be cut. Jennifer makes her first incision. Before she can get very far, the life signs detector shows that the parasite is moving.

She stops cutting, telling them, "I think the parasite instinctually wants to get away from the radiation source, and we just showed it the way out."

"Ronon," Jennifer looks up, "we're going to need that gun of yours in about 10 seconds."

A small squid looking thing crawls out of the incision on Rodney's head. Jennifer grasps onto it with her tongs and tosses it to the middle of the room. Ronon fires, completely vaporizing the creature.

After a moment Ronon looks at Jennifer in deep appreciation, "You did a good job."

Smiling up at him she says, "You too."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John looks up from slicing the ham and sees Jennifer directing Rodney toward the exit of the cave.

 _'What the hell is she doing? They proved the place works and this is what Rodney wants!'_

Before he can stop them, Rodney collapses in pain.

Rushing to his side, John pulls him back to the interior.

"Why did you do that?" Jeanie angrily turns to Jennifer.

Jennifer explains herself.

She believes the radiation in the cave is causing the parasite to contract back into itself but she wanted to be sure. This means Rodney will probably die if he tries to leave the shrine. But she thinks while he's here, the parasite is small enough to be removed and wants to bring back supplies to operate on him.

Unfortunately John has to explain there is no way to reach Atlantis; the Wraith are not likely to fall for the same trap twice, "Even if somehow they don't pick up on our radio signal, and even if the second Jumper makes it through the gauntlet, they're gonna know we're here."

If they are going to operate on Rodney, they'll have to make do with whatever supplies they've brought with them.

He can't believe Jennifer is so ready to give up when he tells her this; she doesn't think it's possible to operate.

"Look, if we don't do something… he's dead." John looks at her in disbelief; they have to try and he insists they'er going to find a way.

.

.

When Rodney sees the tools John has brought back from the Jumper he seems to give up on the idea too.

Taking the power drill in hand he tells John, "Look, my brain is not some new deck off the back of your house."

"I'm not the one doing the surgery." John shakes his head softly; he isn't going to let Rodney give up on this.

"Yeah," Rodney points the drill at Jennifer, "and as my parting advice, you need to stop letting these guys talk you into doing stupid things."

"I can do it." Jennifer says with newfound confidence.

John smiles. He's glad his talk with Jennifer got through to her; she'd been too worried about the dampness of cave, thinking infection would set in before she could complete the surgery.

"Really?" Rodney sounds doubtful.

Jeanie pipes in, "And I'm fairly sure I can modify the life signs detector."

"Yeah with _my_ help." Rodney quips.

"So help." Jeanie bristles.

"Look," Rodney asks Jennifer, "this isn't one of those PBS brain surgeries where my skull is wide open and we're having a conversation…"

Jennifer shakes her head, "I have enough anesthetic to put you out. You're not going to feel a thing."

"It's probably a hammer." Rodney mutters.

Teyla and Jeanie continue trying to reason with him and get him to agree to the operation.

"Look," Rodney finally admits, "obviously I'd get around to consenting. It's just you've thrown an awful lot at me all at once."

"That's life." Ronon offers pragmatically.

"All right," Rodney sighs, "well, let me have a little ham."

"No. No food before surgery." John gives Rodney a sympathetic pat on the shoulder before putting on medical gloves to assist Jennifer.

.

.

Once Rodney is put under, John holds his head stable and carefully places bandages around the area to be cut.

Jennifer makes her first incision, but before she can get very far, the modified life signs detector shows that the parasite is moving.

She stops cutting, "I think the parasite instinctually wants to get away from the radiation source, and we just showed it the way out."

"Ronon," Jennifer looks up urgently, "we're going to need that gun of yours in about 10 seconds."

And then a small squid looking thing crawls out of the incision in Rodney's skull. Jennifer grasps onto it with her tongs and tosses it to the middle of the room. Ronon fires, completely vaporizing the creature.

They all stare in shock for moment at what just happened.

Ronon looks at Jennifer with admiration, "You did a good job."

"You too." She smiles up at him with a sparkle in her eye.

John can definitely see the chemistry between the two of them. Maybe Ronon's right about the timeline being different. He feels a twinge of hope that maybe after everything Rodney might give him another chance.

.

.

Since getting Rodney home to Atlantis, Jeanie has been making the most of the time she has with her brother. They don't get to see each other often and John doesn't want to intrude on their goodbye.

But as soon as Jeanie leaves John heads to the infirmary to spend some time of his own with Rodney. His heart is beating fast with all the things he wants to say.

His breath stops short at the entrance of the room.

Jennifer is sitting intimately on Rodney's bedside joking with him. She's asking if he remembers sharing the fruit cup.

Rodney flushes, saying he remembers how she was there for him, how kind she was.

The two of them stare deeply into each other's eyes.

On the bed, their fingers trail across each other's hands.

John's stomach flips, a hollow burning sensation clenches in the pit.

He can't deny their connection now, however much he wants to.

Utter hopelessness sinks through his bones as he walks back to his quarters. He feels completely broken, he can't, he just can't go on like this anymore. He has to leave Atlantis; it's the only way out of this tangled emotional wreck.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney has missed Carson terribly and now that he's leaving again, it doesn't seem fair. First he gets sick, they cure him, he goes away for 6 months, now he stays a mere week before heading out to do field work.

And over the last week it feels like they've barely had any quality time together. He tries to persuade Carson that his place is on Atlantis, but Carson doesn't see it that way and continues to pack for his trip.

He insists. "As a doctor, I can't just sit by and do nothing while people in the galaxy are suffering, especially when I know I've had a hand in what's happened to them."

"You cannot blame yourself, all right? Michael forced you to help him, he was the one disseminating the drug."

"Aye, and I'm the one who helped the Hoffans perfect it."

Before Rodney can offer a more effective motive to stay, John comes into the room to inform Carson that another one of Michael's labs has been discovered. The fieldwork is delayed and instead Carson leaves with John to go investigate the planet in question.

A few days later, when the two of them get back, Rodney is thrilled to find out that Carson will be staying another couple weeks to do research on the test subjects that were found. It will give he and Carson a chance to catch up properly.

Over coffee on the pier, Rodney finally gets to tell his tale about the 'almost kiss' with John and how confused he is over it. "I mean how am I supposed to take that? He holds my face in his hands, tells me needs to talk to me…

And I quote. 'I've needed to tell you something for some time.' Then he brushes his lips up against mine? Tell me I'm not misreading that?"

"Sounds clear enough," Carson frowns, "except…"

"Except what?"

"Well, he never told you what it was, and then he just backed away again. How is that any different than what he's done before? Sure, it's more flirty but-"

"You don't think it means anything?"

"Ultimately, no. Sorry Rodney, I don't think you should get your hopes up."

"But, it _did_ almost happen." Rodney sighs, "And, and, I've, just, ah loved him for so long… Oh, and he said something else…

He said 'Now that Carson's back if I'm not your best friend anymore, maybe I could be something else?' What else could that be?"

"Aw, I'm your best friend?" Carson smiles.

"Yeah, you know that" Rodney frowns, "Why do you think I don't want you to leave?"

"That's very kind, Rodney." Carson pulls out his dog tags, "I feel the same way but you know I wouldn't be going if I didn't believe what I was doing was important."

"I know, I just-"

"And as your best friend, I don't want to see you keep getting hurt by this. John is a very… confused person. You need to keep your distance, at least emotionally."

"Right, like I've been able to do that all these years."

"Just make an effort." Carson pleads, "Don't run toward the Tsunami, for God's sake, head to higher ground."

"Wow, did you come up with that metaphor just now?"

"Uh, yes."

"Hmm." Rodney nods smugly. "Yeah, I could tell."

"Come on, Rodney," Carson looks exasperated, "you know what I mean."

"Yeah… I guess. Actually, I do kind of have a crush on Dr. Keller."

"Right. There you go. Walk toward the light instead."

"You're mixing up your metaphors there. But, ah, I might have reason to believe that, ah, she might like me. I mean, we did share a fruit cup and our fingers touched. So…"

"Rodney that's great news!" Carson beams, "Ask her out. In fact, I'm expecting by the next time we see each other, I want to hear progress on how things are going with Jennifer."

"Deal?" Carson reaches out his hand.

"Deal." Rodney shakes on it.

.

.

The weeks go by quickly and before he knows it, Rodney is standing over Carson's bed, watching him pack again.

"Hey Doc." John steps through the door.

Carson stops, asking John if there's another off world emergency that requires his expertise."

"Hmm. Actually," John tells him. "I just came to see if you needed some help."

"Oh." Carson smiles. "Much appreciated."

"Ah, oh, by the way, how's Porter?" John asks.

"Who?" Rodney looks at them both in confusion.

"She's fine." Carson tells John, "A couple of weeks of R & R then she'll be back in the Pegasus Galaxy. You know, Colonel, someone like her could be of real benefit to the type of work I'll be doing."

"I'll bet." John smirks.

"Who's Porter?" He can't believe that Carson didn't tell him about this.

"Something you might want to mention to Mr. Woolsey." Carson adds.

John raises his eyebrows, "Consider it done."

Carson follows John out the door and Rodney throws his arms to his side in frustration, "Fine, you know what? I don't even want to know. Don't tell me… Okay come on, tell me!"

The door shuts in his face. Rodney opens it again and rushes to catch up with Carson.

Before he gates out, Rodney makes him spill all the details about what happened on his last mission with this 'Dr. Porter' and gets Carson to promise to make a move before they see each other again.

"Deal." Carson shakes on it.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

When the action and chaos of the recent mission is over, John is again feeling the inner storm of torment.

Walking to his quarters, he pushes his emotions down as much as he can, focusing on the recent developments with the Wraith instead.

Todd had been skeptical that Jennifer's improvements on Carson's work would eliminate their need to feed on humans; but since their food supply is now being poisoned by Micheal's spread of the modified Hoffan virus, the Hives allied with Todd are looking for an advantage.

Tired, John sighs and lays down on his bed wondering if anything will come of this attempt at diplomacy. The thought of not waging war against the Wraith seems surreal.

Right now he'd be content to stop the war raging inside himself. He pulls out the earbuds to his portable music device. It usually helps soothe him when he is hurting like this.

His thoughts drift to Dave and how much closer they've become over the last months. Feeling... more connected, it's not something he's accustomed to. In some ways it's good but it hasn't completely healed the wounds from the past.

There's still a deep hurt that John doesn't know what to do with. In other ways, it's worse now that there isn't anyone to be angry with.

Anyone other than himself, that is.

He feels so much loss. A loss he needs time to grieve. Mostly it's about Rodney... but also the loss of his mother, the loss of a father's love, a brother he's barely known most of his life. And Lyle's death shattered what was left of him. After Lyle and being tortured by the Taliban, John shut down completely.

Until Rodney brought him back.

John hadn't wanted to come back but Rodney filled him with life and love... Love that can never be expressed now… Because the most loving thing to do is to let Rodney be happy.

Losing Rodney is the most terrible pain John's ever known. Knowing that he once had a chance to win Rodney's heart but failed. He was too late, it took him too long to come back to life and feel the world around him.

Now John feels everything and it's unbearable, it's consuming him. But he knows Rodney believes he deserves to be forgiven even if John doesn't. Rodney sees him for who is and still accepts him.

It's devastating to see himself. _Can_ he see himself?

It seems like a moving target, distorted and out of focus. Maybe the best John can do is hope to sort his feelings out over time.

Rodney has helped him let go of the idea that he should be ashamed for wanting another man. Though the damage from all those years of hatred and self-loathing have left their scars.

He thinks Lyle would be happy to know John's changed, even if they never got a chance to be together. He knows Lyle would have wanted to, if John had been capable of admitting his feelings back then.

Listening to this music always makes him think of Lyle since he was the one that gave John this Mark Lanegan album. He's been playing a track called 'Resurrection Song' on repeat.

It's sad destructive grieving is like an opiate to his wound. Amid the despair, there is a thread of hope, a thread John is trying to hold onto. Lyle would want John to find some kind of resurrection.

But without Rodney, he's not sure he'll find it.

This feels like another weary journey in the desert. He is alone amid the remains and wreckage. No longer a passive observer, it's twisted all around him. Feeling it so intensely,,John almost wishes he could return to the numb detachment, to be able to shut himself away again where he was lost for so long.

Now, he is the injured survivor looking for a way out of the ruins.

The singer's voice is so full of dark sorrow, John knows the man has lived through some kind of pain to sing the way he does. His chest wells each time he hears the line, _'I can't go home because they hate me'._

He wonders if it's possible this torture will ever end. It seems like an impossibility that he could ever stop loving Rodney.

And yet through all the misery, the lyrics offer him the shared desire for redemption and resurrection. Even if it's a plaintive, hopeless desire. But John thinks he wouldn't have let himself end up here, some part of him wouldn't have allowed these feelings to surface if he had truly given up.

Ronon had called it 'the other side'. John has to believe it exists. There has to be some reason he survived, and he has to believe there's some point to going through all of this wreckage.

Even if Rodney isn't going to be there waiting for him.

 _I know about sleep walking too,_  
 _and trying to be free_  
 _of all this damage in my eyes,_  
 _making confusion in my mind._

 _When I hear a resurrection song_  
 _(Night) lays me down when I'm fading,_  
 _When I can't go home because they hate me._

 _To sing that resurrection song._

 _Day, end of day,_  
 _Each hanging spiral._  
 _What do you make_  
 _of this clear blue silence?_  
 _Now that the engine driver_  
 _has grown to be a deep sea diver._  
 _And the street has got no end,_  
 _you'd better keep your heart strong little friend._

 _Thought I heard a resurrection song._  
 _Thought I heard a resurrection song._

.  
.


	79. May the best man win

.  
.

Trying to appear his best, Rodney practices saying "Neuraminidase inhibitor" in front of the mirror. Messing with his hair, then experimenting with rolling his sleeves up and back down, he frets about which look to go with.

"Hey." John walks in and looks at him curiously.

Rodney answers back with a brief and disinterested, "Hey."

"Heard you're going off world." John's eyes flit over Rodney as if he is noticing the extra effort he's putting into his appearance.

"I'm, uh," Rodney pauses defensively, "assisting with a medical follow-up on M33-985, yes."

"With Keller."

"Right again." Rodney blinks in annoyance wondering how he knows.

"On your day off." John continues to pry.

"What?" he asks, "I can't go off world in my free time?" It's not like John has been overly eager to spend time with him lately and Rodney is sick of this emotional yo-yo.

"No, no, go ahead." John frowns slightly, "I just think it's odd that you're volunteering for goodwill missions on your... day off.

Rodney bristles inwardly but retains a cool exterior, "Well, I'm turning over a new leaf. It's a whole new, you know, kinder, gentler Rodney McKay."

John nods with a frown and walks away.

With John gone, the insecurity and defensiveness show on Rodney's face as he folds his arms against himself. No. No, he isn't going to let John's mind games get to him today.

Just... Why is it that John always senses when Rodney is distancing himself and tries to get closer? Then whenever Rodney makes himself available, John seems to have little interest... It's maddening. Rodney wants none of it today. He returns his attention to the mirror to bolster his confidence, then makes his way to the gate.

But once he finds Ronon waiting with Jennifer his face falls along with whatever confidence he mustered up earlier.

Jennifer asks Rodney if he's all set, but Rodney's attention is on Ronon, "You're coming, too, are you?"

Ronon gives Rodney an intense stare and Jennifer answers, "Yeah, Ronon offered too, so I thought, you know, the more the merrier, right?"

"Is there a problem?" Ronon frowns.

"No-no-no, just, I was…" Rodney looks away, "No, it's nothing."

Sensing the tension, Jennifer looks uncomfortable, "Okay, ah" She looks up at the gate technician and tells him to dial.

Rodney and Ronon reach for her bag at the same time.

Though Ronon has it in hand, Rodney doesn't let go, insisting, "I got this. I'm good, I got it. I got it. I'm good."

Ronon keeps holding the bag and stares Rodney down.

Finally Rodney loses his bluster, getting more muted with every word he speaks. "You want? You take the... I got my own stuff... I'll bring…"

.

.

Okay this is it. Rodney's had it. Now that they're back from the mission, he decides it's time to have a talk with Ronon. Obviously they're both competing for Jennifer's affections.

The thing that is sticking in his craw the most right now is the image of Jennifer handily fighting the Wraith they encountered on the planet. Rodney had been impressed and complimented her.

She smiled, saying that Ronon has been giving her 'sparring lessons'.

Clearly a _lot_ of sparring lessons to get that good.

Rodney stalks to the gym to find Ronon in his favorite hang out. Sure enough, he's there practicing with some of those fighting sticks. Rodney stands stiffly for a moment, not sure of how to begin.

"What?" Ronon confronts him.

"Okay." Rodney moves nervously in place, "Here's the thing. I've been thinking and, uh... I need to know your intentions."

"Intentions?" Ronon sounds disinterested.

"With Jennifer?" Rodney clarifies.

Ronon pauses, then states, "I don't have any intentions."

"Oh." Rodney feels stupid; he smiles and turns around, "Okay. Good."

"Wait…" Ronon stops him. "What do you mean by 'intentions'?"

 _'Dammit, this is hard enough to bring up without...'_ Rodney feels impatient, "I mean, are you interested in her in a romantic fashion?"

"No." Ronon stares blankly.

Feeling relieved, Rodney turns for the door with a smile and chirps happily, "Good."

Ronon stops him again.

 _'For the love of God.'_ Rodney turns around openly annoyed, "What?"

"Maybe I do..." Ronon leans onto the fighting stick, "have intentions."

His face falls as Ronon asks him, "Do you have intentions?"

"Well, of course I do." Rodney answers without meeting Ronon's eyes, "That's why I was asking you."

"So what are we going to do about it?" Ronon gives him a challenging look.

"I don't know..." Rodney sighs, "I'm not going to fight you for her, if that's what you're thinking."

"Great!" Ronon's face is unreadable.

Pointing a finger at his competitor, Rodney makes his position clear, "I'm not going to step aside, either... So, we're just going to have to let her decide."

"Okay." Ronon looks amused.

He knows this is not likely to go his way, but Rodney hides his self-doubt, "Okay."

Trying to think of an appropriate way to conclude the conversation, Rodney walks forward and offers an outstretched hand, "May the best man win."

Ronon smiles with his natural confidence as he shakes Rodney's hand on it.

.

.

Over the next few weeks, Rodney begins pursuing Jennifer in earnest. Well, he hasn't actually asked her out on an official date, but they've been hanging out a lot, and it seems like... well it feels like there is more between them than friendship.

Of course, Rodney's radar can't be trusted, he's learned that lesson well and doesn't want to ruin everything by making the wrong kind of move. Not yet, not until he's sure of himself.

It doesn't help that John is always distracting him. Lately he always seems to be somewhere nearby, looking sexy, asking Rodney if he wants to hang out.

More often than not, Rodney has managed to turn him down. He can't lose sight of his prize now.

John is only ever this persistent when he senses Rodney is pulling away. It's only a game to John, even if he isn't fully conscious of what he's doing. John doesn't mean anything by it, he never does. The sooner Rodney accepts that the better.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John can't figure out why Rodney dislikes Daniel Jackson so much. Ever since he heard Jackson was coming to Atlantis, he hasn't stopped complaining.

Rodney whines as they walk to the gate room, "I don't know what all the fuss is about. If we do this every time someone comes to visit, we'll never get any work done."

"We're just meeting him at the gate." John reasons.

"We're not just meeting him at the gate." Rodney argues, "I've been pulled from my regular duties to help him with his database research. Ugh. I've got stuff on the go, you know, important, vital projects for the, the betterment of the human race."

"Apparently, there are other people doing equally important work, Rodney, as hard as that is to believe."

Woolsey joins them, "An exciting day!", he trills.

"Absolutely." John answers agreeably.

Rodney grumbles. "Yeah."

Someone from the control room calls down, "He's ready to beam."

"Very well." Woolsey affirms.

In a flash of light, Jackson appears, smiling happily at the room around him.

Woolsey receives him graciously, "Dr. Jackson, welcome to Atlantis."

"Thank you, Mr. Woolsey. It's great to be back. Colonel Sheppard, Rodney."

John hears Rodney give a quiet groan. _'What the hell does he have against Jackson anyway?'_

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney barely listens to what Daniel is saying. Something about a secret lab and a guy named Janus.

If there were any secret labs on Atlantis, he'd have found them a long time ago. But apparently, whatever this guy Janus was doing was unauthorized work, off the books. Hence Daniel's spotty reasoning that it wouldn't be mentioned in any of the logs.

"Okay." Daniel continues to drone on, "He never talked about it in his entries, but several of Janus's peers suspected he had a bastion of unfettered thought and experimentation. Or as one of his lovers put it-"

"He had LOVERS?" _'This is getting more interesting.'_ Rodney smiles in amusement.

Reading something off his screen, Daniel quotes, "An isle of solitude within the city walls."

"Well, that could just mean he's hard to talk to. People say things like that about me all the time." Rodney muses.

Gesturing to the screen, Daniel goes on, "None of these writers had any idea where the lab could be, but one of his young assistants recalls a day where Janus turned a corner down a hallway."

"'Today I saw Janus in a hallway.' _There's_ a real page turner." Rodney rolls his eyes.

Daniel ignores his sarcasm, "He chased after him with a question about his work, but when he rounded the corner, Janus was gone. The hallway was a dead end. He had seemingly disappeared... and I think, into his secret lab."

Pausing, Rodney asks the obvious, "Well, did this assistant happen to mention..."

"Which hallway? Yes, he does."

"Hmm, well…" Rodney pulls the computer toward him with more interest.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"Hey" Ronon walks in on Jennifer as she packs up a bag from the infirmary to take on the mission; he's decided he's coming with her whether she wants it or not.

"Hi" she smiles, "I was just leaving."

"Yeah, I know." Ronon reaches for her bag, "Here, let me take that."

"Thanks."

"So you're going on this Daedalus thing?" He knows Woolsey is excited about this negotiation with Todd to try to introduce the Wraith to Jennifer's new gene therapy, but he doesn't buy that the Wraith would consider giving up humans as a food source.

"Yeah, uh" Jennifer reaches for her bag instinctively and Ronon shoos her away, picking it up for her.

She smiles shyly, "Thank you… I kind of have to. I'm the one that's going to be administering the treatment… If, you know, we ever get to that point."

"Right…" Ronon keeps his doubts to himself since she's so excited, "I think I should come with you on this."

"Really? Why?"

"I don't really trust these guys."

"You don't trust Todd and his Wraith? Or the entire crew of the Daedalus to protect me if something goes wrong?" Jennifer asks humorously.

"I don't know. Both, I guess."

Jennifer bites her lip then laughs.

"What?" Ronon wonders if his protectiveness seems too overbearing.

"Nothing." she answers coyly.

"What?" He pressures her to speak her mind; he thinks it's time the two of them talked about their connection more directly.

He finally feels ready to take their relationship to the next level. It's been hard to let himself open up to the idea of letting someone in again. But he can't deny it anymore, he's fallen in love with her.

"Nothing! Nothing." Jennifer shakes her head in mirth. "It'd be great to have the company."

"Okay." Ronon smiles, he's going to look after her whether she thinks she needs it or not; and when they get back from this mission he's going to tell her just how much she means to him.

As they walk to the gate together, they pass by Rodney and Dr. Jackson.

Jennifer turns her head, "Bye, Rodney. Wish us luck."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"Good luck!" Rodney raises his hand to wave at Jennifer, then frowns murmuring to himself, "What do you mean 'us'?"

Oh no. Ronon is walking with her.

Ronon gives Rodney a knowing smile. _'_

 _'Son of a bitch.'_

Rodney stops in his tracks, staring unhappily after the two of them as they head off.

"Rod? You…" Daniel points a thumb back in the direction they were headed.

He wants to make a cutting comment about how nobody calls him 'Rod', -even though he spent so many years trying to get people to call him that. But he's too distracted by his jealousy.

Ronon is going to have all that time alone with Jennifer, charming her and impressing her... By the time they get back Rodney won't stand a chance. He glumly turns to follow Daniel back down the hall.

Once the two of them get to work, it only takes a few hours to piece things together. They replace missing light fixtures that were displaced by the flood along the hallway where the lab is supposed to be.

The things make different tones when touched, clearly meant to be activated in some sort of sequence to open a section of the wall.

Obviously Daniel never would have figured it out without him but it's a small consolation for losing Jennifer to Ronon.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John steps through the wall and into the lab that Daniel and Rodney found, "Wow. That's pretty cool." he points at the panel.

"Harmonic resonance." Rodney explains.

"Yeah, I was told. But what happens if the sound goes off and you're in the middle of the wall?"

"Well the wall would break apart your body." Rodney replies.

He turns around to face Rodney, "Well maybe we should-"

Rodney interrupts, "I set up a subsonic tone generator outside. The wall is now permanently open. Don't worry."

"Good. So what have we got?" John directs the question to both of them.

"Well," Daniel answers, "the good news is, it's definitely Janus's secret lab. The bad news is, getting in was the easy part."

John lifts up a blue egg-like object as Rodney tells him, "There are levels of encryption on all the data here that even the most paranoid NSA agent wouldn't use. I mean, it is deep."

Daniel adds, "Some of them are straight up math ciphers while others are Ancient knowledge puzzles."

"And until we start deciphering," Rodney jumps in, "there's no way to tell what any of this stuff does."

"Sounds like you guys make a good team though." John offers.

Rodney makes an uncomfortable face that only John can see and clears his throat.

"Yeah." Daniel arches a brow skeptically.

"Well, I guess I'll go back to being the boss." John sets down the egg. He'd wanted to go with Woolsey and the others on the Daedalus, but Woolsey had insisted he stay behind and oversee Atlantis.

"How's that going?" Rodney asks.

"Pretty boring, actually." _'Such is the burden of command.'_

"Well," Rodney proposes, "you're more than welcome to help us crack this first stream cipher."

Talking to Daniel now, Rodney adds, "You know, um, he could have been in Mensa."

At that, Daniel and Rodney both start chuckling; at least the two of them seem to make a good team when it comes to making cracks about his intelligence.

 _'Why did he ever tell Rodney he passed that test?'_ John blinks in annoyance, "Why don't you contact me when you two geniuses have a breakthrough."

"Will do." Rodney looks like he is trying to keep a straight face.

John stalks out of the room.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

As Rodney yawns over his console, Daniel remarks, "You know it's almost dawn. If you want to call it a night, its, ah-"

"What?" Rodney is fully alert again, "No-no-no, I'm fine, fine. But, you know, if _you_ need to rest, I completely understand."

"Seriously?" Daniel puts his glasses back on and squints at Rodney, "Is... is everything a competition with you?"

' _Guess it depends on whom you ask. John would say so.'_

Rodney lifts his brows innocently, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Daniel gapes it him, "I just found you a secret lab full of really cool Ancient stuff. I kind of think that should score me some points here."

"Okay," Rodney relents, "I will admit that I may have been a little brusque with you until now."

"Just a little."

"But the truth is, I really didn't think you were going to find anything."

"Well, that much I actually understand." Daniel sounds resigned.

"You do?"

"Yeah. I spent the majority of my professional life being ridiculed for my theories" Daniel lifts a finger, "Most of which turned out to be correct, by the way. I'm kind of used to it, Rodney."

Sighing and leaning back in his chair, Rodney asks, "Doesn't that bother you, I mean, no vindication, no recognition, no credit?"

"Well, I could say the same thing about you. The discoveries you've made, you probably could have won the Nobel Prize 5 times over by now."

"Too true…" Rodney nods sadly, "Hmm, so I guess none of us signed up to get famous, huh?"

"No, we did it for the money." Daniel jokes.

"Good one…" Rodney snickers, "Wait a minute. You don't get paid more than I do, do you?

Daniel sighs again and rolls his eyes.

"Do you?" Rodney leans forward.

"Rodney, this is Sheppard. Come in." John sounds out of breath over the com, "Rodney!"

"What's up?" Rodney asks lazily.

"You need to get out of there right now."

"Why?" Rodney looks over to Daniel.

"There are some intruders headed your way. Get the hell out of there!"

Rodney looks up and sees some very menacing, armored red-suited aliens at the door.

Oh. Shit.

He steps forward cautiously, "Hey we, ah, aren't armed so-"

Something hits him in the gut and he feels himself sagging to the floor with the sound of John's voice yelling in his ear, "Rodney? Rodney, Come in!"

.  
.


	80. I really regret-- You being here

.  
.

The aliens have demanded that Rodney activate the device they stole from Janus's lab and somehow hook it up to their weird contraption.

So far he's figured out that it's meant to target the frequencies the Wraith use to enter subspace, to destroy their ships as they engage their drives. It certainly would be effective to stop them from culling but...

But what Rodney hasn't figured out yet is the vague warnings in the Ancient's logs referring to 'dangerous side effects'.

Last time he went ahead and activated an abandoned Ancient project he ended up destroying a whole solar system. A mistake he's not eager to repeat.

Daniel's passionate diplomatic plea to the armored alien was less than a success.

The metallic voice inside the suit only spoke to Rodney, saying one thing, "Get the device operational within one hour or I will kill him. Do you understand?'

Got it. So, activate the device or Daniel dies. Rodney never much liked the guy... Still...

It isn't hard to get the thing working. With a rudimentary understanding of Janus's coding style, it's clear the thing was merely turned off.

As it powers up and connect to the equipment, a whirling, grinding sound comes from the generating chamber behind them. The blue-glowing machine in the center of the sealed chamber lights up, and purple electric volts scatter across the walls like a strange thunderstorm.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Ronon spots an incoming Wraith transport beam bringing reinforcements onto the Daedalus.

He knew it. That Wraith never had any intention of taking Jennifer's gene therapy. This whole thing was just a ploy to steal the Deadalus.

 _"Jennifer'_

Ronon's heart lurches. He can't let anything happen to her.

He pulls out his gun ready to fight but the Wraith haven't seen him, they're headed for the bridge.

Keeping out of sight, Ronon quickly doubles back to the lab to save Jennifer.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Just as Rodney finds a log entry explaining why Janus never used this device, the aliens grab them and remove them from the lab.

Probably to keep them from turning it back off.

Inside their new holding area, Rodney explains to Daniel the magnitude of the problem.

It's not just Wraith ships that will be ripped apart when they use their hyperspace drives. Any Stargate in the Pegasus system will overload when activated. The size of one explosion would be enough to take out a planet. If they don't shut this thing down, millions will die.

First a solar system now an entire galaxy. He has to figure out a way to get back to that lab and power the device down.

But before the two of them can come up with a plan, the metal suited aliens come back and take Daniel away.

They don't really need Daniel to work on the machine. The guy's a dead man for sure.

Rodney supposes it's all up to him now.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rubbing his eyes, John tries to think in the aftermath of the explosion.

Directing power from the city's shields saved them from the overload when they activated the Stargate, but a whole section of the control tower is gone now.

At least they're still alive, but with no Stargate and the Daedalus out of communications range, there's no way to rescue Rodney. John needs Rodney to be safe. He _needs_ him to be.

Zelenka thinks he's pinpointed the location of the planet where Rodney was taken. But how the hell is he supposed to get Rodney back without a Stargate or a ship?

One of the technicians approaches him to say they're being hailed by the Daedalus.

Thank God. It was supposed to be far out of range by now.

John eagerly stands in front of the screen, "Daedalus, it's good to, ah…"

But it's not Caldwell's face that greets him.

Todd the Wraith looks back at him from the Captain's chair, "Colonel Sheppard."

"What the hell's going on?" John demands, "Where's Caldwell?"

"I'm afraid I had to relieve him and his crew of duty."

John whispers to Zelenka. "How close are they?"

Zelenka answers. "Not close enough to go by Jumper, if that's what you're thinking."

"Don't worry, Todd tells him, "I'm more than willing to return this ship and its crew to you."

"In exchange for what?"

"You've activated the Attero device. I need you to shut it down and give me its location immediately."

"I don't know what you're talking about." John is puzzled.

"It was very clever of you," Todd growls, "luring me and my ship out into the open, so you could see for yourself if it worked."

"If what worked?" John asks in confusion.

"I have to admit, in a way, I'm impressed." Todd continues, "I was there 10,000 years ago when the Ancients first tried to use it, but they didn't have to stomach to leave it on once they realized how many of their precious stargates it would destroy, how many humans it would kill."

"Sounds like something Janus would have worked on." Zelenka murmurs.

"Give me the location of the Attero device, and once I have destroyed it, I will return this crew to you." Todd offers.

"Look" John is serious, "it's not what you think. We have nothing to do with this."

"Every minute that goes by without you telling me where the device is, I will kill a member of your expedition." As an example, Woolsey is suddenly thrown into the viewscreen and Todd growls, "Your time starts now."

"Give us a second" John ends the transmission and turns to the room snapping his fingers a little bit like McKay.

He consults with Teyla and Zelenka. This Attero device has to be what the aliens stole when they kidnapped Rodney and Daniel. And that's what's responsible for Todd's ship and their Stargate exploding. Todd must have been desperate enough to risk stealing the Daedalus.

They raise communications again and John tries to negotiate with Todd, saying he'll give him the location if they take him along.

Todd sneers, "And give you the chance to take out my hyperdrive with one of your drones? I think not."

"Why would I do that?" John reasons, "Right now you're one of the few people in the galaxy with a ship capable of dealing with this problem."

"And I intend to keep it that way. John Sheppard, transmit the coordinates, or I will feed on Mr. Woolsey before your eyes!"

Todd obviously plans to attack the aliens who have Rodney and the device. Without a way to rescue him, he could be responsible for Rodney's death.

But he doesn't doubt that Todd will kill everyone on Daedalus right now to get that location.

He needs a ship. A way to go after Rodney. John might have an idea about where to find one. Hoping he's not making the wrong call, he sends Todd the coordinates.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney can't believe his eyes when Daniel is brought back alive. He thought for sure the guy was a goner. He was about to bust out of this holding room and try to escape on his own.

The news Daniel tells him is even more shocking. The menacing aliens in the metallic suits... They're Asgards.

Just a bit different from their friendly cousins in the Milky Way. They don't really care if millions of humans die, as long as it decimates the Wraith threat.

Finishing his work to unseal the door, he and Daniel make their way down the corridors, trying to evade detection.

Behind a door he was hoping would lead them out, Rodney suddenly finds himself facing two of their armored captors, "Oh, my God, please don't kill me. You need _me_."

"Rodney?" Daniel's voice takes a tone.

" _Us_ , us." Rodney revises his statement, "You need _us_. Look the device needs constant care. I mean, true, I'm the only one who knows how to work it, but…

What am I talking about killing for? You're not a violent race. You may have stunned us-"

"Rodney." Daniel tries to interject.

But he keeps trying to appease their captors "… a few more times than I would have liked." He lifts his hands and looks at Daniel, "Who's to say we didn't deserve it, right?"

"They're just suits." Daniel says flatly.

"Yes, suits that house one of the smartest races that ever evolved." Rodney smiles at them, "I mean, the Asgards, I've always been a big fan of the Asgards. Some of my best friends are Asgards."

"They're empty suits." Daniel informs him, waving his hand in front of them to demonstrate, "See?"

"Yeah." Rodney tries to hide his embarrassment, "I know. I was…"

Daniel prods, "You were…"

"Yeah, it's not important." Rodney doesn't want to dwell on his abject groveling.

"You know," Daniel continues, "from what I can tell, the inside of the suits form around whoever's in them."

Rodney sees where he is going with this, "One size fits all."

They use the suits to gain access back to the room where the device is and turn the thing off. It shouldn't take long to shut it down. Only, Rodney realizes the device is gone.

That means there's only one other way to end this. Rodney frowns at the containment chamber arcing with static volts of energy.

"These suits were designed to protect the wearer from harsh environments, right?" Rodney recalls that this planet's atmosphere is corrosive.

"Technically, yes.

"Then I have a really terrible idea." Rodney turns to the chamber walking towards the sealed door.

"Oh no, no." Daniel objects, "You're not thinking what I think you're thinking. Radiation in there would be pretty extreme."

"Not to mention those electrical discharges look pretty unfriendly, but…" Rodney frowns and peers in through the window, "Yeah, but the antenna has a control crystal. If we could pull it manually…"

"It's a 50-50 we even get that far." Daniel speculates.

"I'd go 30-70," Rodney shrugs, "but I don't have a better idea, and the suits, they should protect us."

Daniel sighs in defeat.

"You ready?" Rodney gives a grim smile.

"Let's just get this over with."

"You know, we both don't have to go in there." Rodney tells him.

"Well, when you get killed by one of the discharges," Daniel reasons, "Someone's gonna have to finish the job, so…"

"Great pep talk. Thanks" Rodney opens the panel and they both walk into the surging room.

Rodney points to the electric arcs shooting through the air, "I'm pretty sure we want to avoid those touching us."

"Thanks, coach." Daniel quips sarcastically.

Making his way forward to the control center, Rodney pulls out a panel. He pauses with his hand just above the crystals.

"What are you waiting for?" Daniel asks.

"I have to pull the right one or the antenna explodes."

"Hurry up… But get it right."

"Okay." Rodney thinks he has it figured out. "Here goes nothing."

Just as Rodney reaches for the crystal, Daniel is hit by several volts of the blue current. He falls to the floor shaking violently.

"Daniel!" Rodney pulls the control crystal to power down the mechanism and runs over to him.

He takes off his helmet and sits next to Daniel, "Okay. You're okay, you're okay."

 _'Definitely not okay. Daniel's a deadman this time for sure .'_

As he helps take off Daniel's helmet, the guy winces and grunts in pain.

"Ow... Wrong again." He tells Rodney through clenched teeth, "Did you turn it off?"

"I did," Rodney corrects himself, " _We_ did. You did. Look, where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere…." Daniel gasps, "Arrrhh, I don't suppose there's a hospital nearby?"

"I'm," Rodney is apologetic, "I'm pretty sure we're on our own."

"Good." Daniel pants.

"Look, on the bright side, I mean, we're both going to be dead of dehydration, in like, 5 days. So you won't have to put up with me much longer."

"I'm…" Daniel smiles weakly, "I'm, ah, pretty busted up, Rodney. I don't… I don't think I'm going to make it that long."

Rodney feels a sudden remorse for how hostile he's been, "Okay, I know it may not seem like it... I want you to know, I-I really resp-"

A flash of white light overtakes them stopping Rodney's words.

"Oh, thank God." They're in the Daedalus medical bay with Jennifer.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Ronon hands Jennifer a cup of coffee, "So how they doing?"

"Well," She gives a small laugh, "Rodney's still complaining that the Asgard suit gave him a skin rash."

"Right. So basically he's fine." Ronon snorts.

"Shhh" She giggles conspiratorially, pointing to a curtained area at the far end of the room, "He's still in here."

"What about Dr. Jackson?"

"The cellular damage and radiation caused by that machine", Jennifer gives a serious sigh, "We got to him just in time... thanks to you."

He shrugs, "Well, Sheppard helped out with that... and destroyed the Attero device, so... "

If it hadn't been for John coming in on that Traveler ship the Daedalus would have crashed into the Asgard facility on the surface of the planet instead of beaming Rodney and Daniel back to safety.

"Yeah, but you saved the Daedalus, and freed the crew..." She blinks up at him in her adorable way and Ronon gets a warm feeling in his chest, "Though your method of shutting down a hyperdrive could use a little refinement ."

"It disabled the ship." Ronan reminds her.

"Yeah, and _then some_ , but...", Jennifer reaches out affectionately to touch Ronon's arm, "thanks for looking after me and, you know, heroically rescuing me and whatnot."

Ronon smiles at her flirtatiously "Thought you said something about me almost getting you killed?"

"I just," Jennifer flushes, "Well, I wasn't expecting you to jump down from the rafters like that and throw me a gun. Like I said, it's not like I ever fired one outside the range before."

"Well, then we should start practice shooting outside the range." Ronon remembers how scared he'd been that something would happen to her; he might not know how to reprogram a computer but nothing will ever stop him from making sure she's protected.

Stepping closer, Ronon folds his palm lightly around her wrist, "But you handled yourself really good back there."

"Okay." Jennifer flutters her eyelashes and looks away with a shy smile, "I, uh, I should probably get back to, to Daniel." She ducks her head, "Thanks for the coffee."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Back on Atlantis, Jennifer is heading out of the infirmary when she hears Ronon calling.

"Hey." He cozies up to her.

"Hey."

"You all done for the day?" Ronan asks with a sly look.

"Uh," Jennifer is hesitant, "Dr. Cole's taking my shift. Yeah."

"Want to get something to eat?" Ronon smiles at her affectionatly.

"Ah, um," Jennifer pauses, "ah, listen, um, I'm really glad you came on the mission. I mean, without you there, we'd probably all be dead."

Ronon's smile deepens and his eyes have a flirtatious twinkle.

"But, I just want to be clear, because, um…" Jennifer closes her eyes from the uncomfortable feeling in her chest, then looks back up to Ronon, "I just want you to know, that I'm kind of… interested in somebody else."

"So?" Ronon isn't smiling anymore but he doesn't look upset.

She's confused, "I just didn't want to give you the wrong…"

"You didn't." Ronon shrugs with a slight frown, "I just wanted to get something to eat."

Taken aback, Jennifer gazes at him, "Okay, because _I_ thought-"

"Yeah," Ronon gives slight smile again, "well, you're wrong."

She really thought Ronon was interested in her… she'd even returned the feelings somewhat. It's just, she's become infatuated with Rodney.

"Okay." Jennifer examines his expression and accepts his answer at face value.

Ronon is incredibly good looking but there is something about cute little Rodney. He's surprisingly gentle and sweet behind all the hot air and bluster; something about him makes Jennifer want to get inside his world.

And Rodney actually loves her, at least he said he did when he had that parasite in his brain. He doesn't seem to remember saying it but still...

"Okay." Ronon looks bored.

Jennifer smiles, "Do you still want to go…"

"Ah. No, I should probably... " Ronon doesn't finish the thought, mumbling, "I should go."

.  
.

* * *

.

.

Supposing he's obligated to say goodbye to Daniel, Rodney visits the Atlantis infirmary one last time, "Hey."

"Mmm." Daniel mumbles through a mouthful of food, "It hurts to eat this fruit cup."

"Don't eat the fruit cup, then." Rodney argues.

"Thank you Groucho." Daniel sets it down, "Listen, not that I don't appreciate the visits, but shouldn't you be trying to figure out a way to keep the Asgards out of the shield again?"

"One step ahead of you." Rodney smiles smugly, "That's not going to happen again."

"Oh! Good."

"You don't think they'd make a run at us again?" Rodney frowns.

"Well," Daniel exhales "I'm not sure, but we did ruin the one plan they had to feel free in this galaxy. They might hold a grudge."

"Well, let's hope not." Rodney hasn't enjoyed making these obligatory visits out of guilt; he's already trying to think of an excuse to leave the infirmary.

"I don't think I'll be around to find out, though" Daniel tells him glumly.

"Yeah, I heard they're sending you back to Earth."

"Yeah, I guess I need some major patching up and recovery. And Landry prefers I do that there instead of here, so…"

"Well, the Daedalus has already picked up a gate left over from the old gate bridge, and my team is installing it as we speak, so we should have you home in no time at all." Rodney can't wait to see him go.

"That's good. That is… good."

"Yes, so…" he doesn't know what else to say and just stands there. Nervously, Rodney starts to make some popping sounds with his lips.

Ugh. He hates these awkward moments.

He should find a way to make an exit. "Well, it's been… um… unique?"

"Yes. Yes, it has. It sure has." Daniel agrees, "But I do want to say thank you, for um, saying that you respected me when you thought I was about to die back there."

"Excuse me?" Rodney frowns and makes a face, "I said no such thing."

"Yeah, you did. You were, like, um, um, 'I know it may not seem like it, but I really respect you', and, ah, that means a great deal to me."

Rodney squints and tilts his head, "I don't believe I ever finished that sentence."

Daniel's smile recedes, "How else would you have finished that sentence?"

"I would have said," Rodney nods his head trying to come up with something believable, "… 'Regret'. I would have said, 'I really regret… you being here… because none of this would have happened otherwise." He shifts his eyes around the room uncomfortably.

"So, you can only give compliments to the dying?" Daniel gives him a strained look.

"It's something I'm working on." Rodney grimaces.

Pushing his food tray forward, Daniel asks, "Do you want to try any of this?"

"Ooh! Fries." Rodney supposes he can stay a little longer.

"Yeah, yeah, dive right in." Daniel hands it off to Rodney, "Take them, take them."

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.


	81. Should have made a move

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That night when John enters the gym, he immediately senses something is wrong. Ronon is attacking the punching bag like he's trying to rip apart a Wraith. And from the look of him, he's been at it a while.

As John walks up, Ronon stops and wipes his palm across his sweaty brow, "Hey."

John gives him a questioning look.

"Thought I'd try your 'therapy'". Ronon explains.

"And?"

"Better than nothin'"

"What got into you?" John wonders.

"You shoulda just…" Ronon glowers at him. "Should have made a move."

"What-" John doesn't follow but then his stomach drops; Oh, he knew this was going to happen, "Because of Jennifer?"

"Yeah, and don't tell me it was fate or something. It's all about timing… Getting it right, so things match up. You know, it would've made it easier for me if you'd just taken your opening."

"Wait, timing?" John puzzles, "How's this _my_ fault?"

"No." Ronon stops punching again; he sags his head, "Nobody's fault."

"What happened?" John quietly asks.

"She, ah, basically told me she wasn't interested… because there's someone else-"

"Rodney." There is that sharp pain in his chest again.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure."

"Guess we're in the same boat now." John grimaces.

"Not me." Ronon whips his hair back away from his face, "I'm not a lost cause like you. There's someone else I'm interested in."

"Just like that?" He can't believe after all this time wooing Jennifer, Ronon has someone else in mind, "Who?"

"Doesn't matter." Ronon gives him a dark look.

"But… I thought you were waiting for the right person, after Allina-"

"I was. Now it's time to move on." Ronon swats the bag angrily, "You should do the same. Take _your_ shot with McKay or move on."

"Actually I've…" John rubs the back of his neck, "I've been thinking it's time for a change."

"Really?..." Ronon lifts a brow in surprise, "Who?"

"Where."

"Huh?"

"I've, uh, I've been thinking about leaving Atlantis. -Don't look at me like that, Ronon. You said it yourself, I need to move on."

"Or fucking tell him you love him. It might change things if he knew how you felt."

"It wouldn't. I'm not the one who can give him what he wants. And I made a promise, I owe him this." John shakes his head, "He's supposed to be with Jennifer. Ah, I want him to be happy... just this time ... I don't think I can stick around and watch it all happen."

"So, what… You're just going to quit everything? Over _McKay_?"

John closes his eyes; Ronon is never going to understand why he loves Rodney the way he does. Why it hurts so much not to be with him.

In a way, Rodney is the only reason John even came to Pegasus. He'd wanted something more with him, more than he'd been capable of expressing back then.

His decision to join the expedition was... Well, he'd tried to back out of it after realizing he'd hurt Rodney somehow... too terrified to face his feelings, still too fucked up to handle much of anything. But General O'Neill had forced his hand, so he'd ended up following Rodney to a distant galaxy after all.

And in his inelegant, self-deluded way, John had still tried to draw Rodney into his world; the way Rodney had pulled John into his.

Ronon touches his shoulder and John opens his eyes again.

"Hey." Ronon gives a weak smile, "Sorry. I know how much he means to you... I'm not at my best tonight. I just don't wanna see you go."

"It's fine." John sighs, "I don't really want to see me go either."

"Then don't."

"Yeah, guess I'll see." He wishes he'd never met the Rodney who lost Jennifer, never seen how much he suffered without her. "I'm sorry, about how it turned out... If it could have gone differently, if it's my fault-"

"It's not." Ronon grins with a fierce and mischievous glint that lets John know he's not really angry with him, "No more talking. Let's fight. I've got a lot of reckless aggression to work out.

"Great." John groans at the prospect of getting his ass handed to him.

"Therapy, right?" Ronon grabs a fighting stick.

"Right."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Rodney's been trying to take advantage of the fact that Carson is back on Atlantis. He's been out in the field treating survivors of the Hoffan plague and Rodney's barely gotten to see him.

Eager to spend some time catching up, he finds Carson in one of the labs."There you are," Rodney complains, "I've been calling you."

Carson stares at his computer screen, "Oh. I'm sorry. What's up?"

"Lorne's team just found a suitable planet for the villagers. They're going to move them out this afternoon."

"Aye, I heard. I'm going with them."

Oh. Rodney tries to hide his disappointment, "Right of course, um, Well, you want to, ah, grab some lunch? We really didn't get a chance to socialize this time around -unless you count, you know, running through halls of the Hive ship… as social time."

"Aye, you're right. Look, Rodney, I'd love to but I really need to get through this." Carson gestures to the computer.

"Well, what is it?" Rodney leans over the screen.

"Dr. Keller's research on the serum that keeps my cells from deteriorating. I think there might be something in here to help the plague survivors since I'm not getting the infections they are."

"Well, you don't have to do this now. I'll download the data to a drive and you can, you know, just take it with you."

"Actually, you can't. Mr. Woolsey doesn't want it leaving the base."

"Oh." Rodney makes a glum expression.

"I'm sorry, Rodney."

"Well, I don't care." Rodney feigns ambivalence, "No, I was just trying to stop you from whining about never seeing me." He heads for the door, ".…All right."

"Rodney, wait." Carson calls after him, "Now, that I think of it, I am a wee bit peckish. Besides, I can't solve all the galaxies problems in one day, can I?"

Rodney shrugs and acts disinterested, "Well, it's…"

"Shut it." Carson sees right through him, "Right, let's go"

Pulling on his jacket, Carson walks to the door and gives Rodney a knowing look as he pats him on the back, "So, interested in anyone these days?"

"Me?" Rodney keeps a stoic face, "No, I don't have time for that."

"You're a terrible liar, Dr. McKay. Tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Well, if you absolutely must know" Rodney grins.

"Oh, Aye." Carson is sarcastic. "I must."

"Well, as you know, there's always the sexy but cold-hearted commander. For the sake of the story, we'll call him… Colonel Tsunami."

Carson chuckles.

"He knows how I feel about him but only uses it to toy with me. This much we already know." Rodney gestures dismissively. "And he always turns the charm and allure all the way up when I pull away... which you'll be happy to hear- I _have_ …

I mean, we still spend time together… but I'm, I'm more detached, emotionally, you know."

Carson makes a dubious face and Rodney insists, "I am. I swear I am… I'm currently pursuing the fair maiden instead. Like I told you, I think Jennifer seems to like me."

"Good, good."

"Only there's a twist."

"There's always a twist isn't there?" Carson gives a sly smile.

"Sadly there is.. So while endeavoring to pursue said maiden, I've encountered a rival, one who would take her from me."

Carson tilts his head.

"…Ronon! Can you believe my luck? Of all the people on the station to have to measure up to, fucking built like a Greek god, Ronon."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. We had a talk about it and everything. I think he wanted to fight me for her, but I told him there was like, no way that was going to happen. But I made it clear I wasn't going to back off."

"I'm sure that scared him plenty."

"Hey, you're supposed to be on my side here."

"Sorry. So, how are you pursuing said maiden?"

"Uh, well, so far, I guess we're just hanging out more… Kind of a lot lately. Like, lunch dates and stuff. We get along really well, actually we're not as different as you'd think."

"I guess, I could see that." Carson frowns, "Only…"

"What?"

"Well, she seems a wee bit more… gentle."

"Yeah well, she doesn't seem to mind my less attractive traits too much. She says I fascinate her."

Carson laughs out loud.

"What? Why does everyone find that so hard to believe? She wants to get to know me and she doesn't even seem that bored when I'm talking. I make her laugh a lot… Those are all good signs, right?"

"Definitely. So, are you showing an interest by asking her about herself?"

"What? I don't know. Maybe. Thanks a lot, now I'm going to be worried about that too. I'm not so good at this stuff."

"Don't worry." Carson laughs, "That's why you've got me, to give you pointers."

"Right. Because you've always been so great with the ladies." Rodney sneers.

"Hey! I'll have you know… ah, fair enough." Rodney and Carson exchange a look and both burst out laughing.

"Oh." Carson catches his breath, "It's good to see you, Rodney. And I say, as long as you two can laugh together, well, you've got a leg up on Ronon."

"Yeah," Rodney narrows his eyes, "she laughs at things I say... Or is she laughing _at_ me? How can I be sure now?"

"Don't overthink it." Carson nods to a stack of cafeteria trays, "Sounds like you're doing just fine."

"You really think so?" Rodney smiles hopefully.

"Aye. My money's with team Rodney."

As they get their food, Rodney questions Carson about _his_ love life, "Now what's going on with you and your assistant. What's her name… Novo?"

Carson lowers his head shyly and Rodney prods, "Tell me, tell me, tell me…"

.  
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* * *

.  
.

John scowls as Rodney's yellow car races in front of his red one, cutting it off as the toy cars turn the corner of the hallway.

"Oh, I'm sorry too fast for you buddy boy?" Rodney taunts.

"Nursing home just called, Rodney." John teases, "They want their scooter back."

"Scooter? That is a tri-cell LiPo pack under my hood, son."

John crashes his red car into the side of Rodney's and it skids off to the side as John's car pushes ahead.

"Hey!" Rodney protests.

"Ooh. Sorry. My bad."

"Okay. I will trample you." Rodney threatens as he pulls his remote controlled car around.

"Don't trip on your skirt." John mocks.

Just then Teyla walks into the long hall with her infant in her arms. Dodging the cars, she yelps as they wind under her legs.

"You okay?" John asks as the two of them run over to her.

"I could have dropped him." She accuses.

"Sorry," John apologizes, "we didn't know anyone was around. You sure you're all right?"

"Come to think if it," Rodney asks, "what are you doing down here, anyway?"

"Trying to get Torren to sleep." she explains, "I find that walking him is the best way to calm him."

"Ooo, he's colicky, huh?" Rodney leans forward.

"Dr. Keller says it's a phase that will pass."

"Ah, don't worry about it," Rodney waves his hand, "I was a colicky baby too. Just do what my mom did, which was let me cry myself to sleep. I'm no worse for it."

John gives Rodney a double take. That would explain a lot actually.

Teyla talks to them for a minute but heads back to her quarters before Torren wakes or their toys run her over.

"Yeah, I mean, we're done here." Rodney shrugs, "We're just, you know, finishing up, really, so…"

"Night." John waves as she heads out of sight.

"Night, Good one." Rodney calls after her.

Spinning around, John uses the oppurtunity to get a head start.

But Rodney is right there with him, yelling at his car, "Go-go-go-go-go-go-go!"

.

.

About half an hour later Rodney is puzzling over why his car gave out, holding it upside down "I must have put too much strain in the motor. Shaft needs a brushing lube"

 _'Shaft needs...brushing lube?_ _Damn it Rodney.'_ He loves it when Rodney talks dirty like that.

Staring at him, he wonders why Rodney always makes it so hard to be good.

Oblivious, Rodney stares back, "What?"

John just shakes his head.

The lights above them suddenly go out. They've lost contact with the control room and something is definitely up.

Upon further inspection, it seems the entire upper section of the control tower is submerged in some kind of force field. They can't reach it or figure out what's happening as they've been shut out of most of the critical systems.

Finally, Rodney hacks into the security cameras.

It's Michael.

He has Teyla and the baby with her. Clearly he hasn't given up on his plan to use Torren's DNA to perfect his Hybrid army.

Their attempt to get through the force field fails. Michael has somehow managed to modify the Wraith stun pulse technology and integrate it with a Puddle Jumper. Anyone approaching the upper levels is knocked out cold.

What they've got to do is find a way to take out Michael's stolen Jumper, as that's what's powering the force field.

There isn't enough power left on base to use the drones, and they're cut off from the Jumper bay. Still, there are some damaged Jumpers in the underwater hanger that might be of use.

Rodney cobbles together the best parts of each, hoping to make one of them functional, but the weapons still won't come online.

John insists he find a way to make it work. They _need_ those drones.

Moments later, a citywide alarm begins sounding off and Rodney drops what he's doing, "That's Atlantis's self-destruct. Michael's going to blow up the city."

"How much time do we have?" John wonders if Micheal's gotten what he needed from Teyla already.

Rodney consults his table, "He set it for 10 minutes."

John points to the back of the Jumper impatiently, "How much time do you need before you get those drones working?"

"Well, if I can get them working at all, a lot more than 10 minutes!"

John spins the pilot's chair forward again. "All right, forget about it."

"What are you... what are you doing?" Rodney asks.

Punching in some commands, John decides, "Gonna fly the Jumper and crash it into the tower."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

"Crash it?!" Rodney panics, John has no idea what he's about to do.

"It's our best chance of taking out Michael's Jumper."

Rodney objects vehemently, "Not to mention taking out yourself!"

"I have crashed Jumpers into the tower before." John acts defensive.

"Not like this you haven't." Rodney explains, "Look, in addition to the weapons, the inertial dampeners are out. You'll need to impact Michael's Jumper with enough force to do some serious damage, which means a lot of speed when you hit that tower."

He pleads with John, "Look, this is a suicide mission."

But John just stares resolutely forward. Rodney should know by now once John has his mind made up about something like this, it's no use trying to reason with him. He simply tells Rodney to hurry with the calibrations and get the vessel flightworthy.

So he does as he's ordered and gives John the go ahead.

John instructs, "Make sure that strike team is ready to move as soon as that field drops."

"I will." Rodney nervously winds the interface cord around his tablet, "Now, you make sure you don't accelerate too fast coming out of the Jumper Bay. I mean, if you hit the gas too hard, you're going to flatten like a pancake."

"Right." John seems unconcerned and Rodney's brows knit in worry.

He glances around the Jumper anxiously and John takes notice of his silence.

"What?"

"Well, it's just, um…" Rodney exhales the breath he has been holding tightly in his chest, "What you're about to do is-"

"Yeah." John shrugs it off, "It's not like it's the first time. How many suicide missions have I flown?"

"I don't know" Rodney admits, "I lost count." And that's saying something for a mathematician.

"All right, well, there you go." John assures him.

"All right," Rodney sits meekly in the co-pilot chair, his voice wavering, "well, you know…" He has to let himself believe that John is coming back from this, he always comes back in the end.

He stands up and holds his hand out to John, "Here's to many more."

Suddenly, John doesn't seems so cavalier, there is something emotional and unexpressed in his eyes.

He knows John cares about him, but right now, he could almost let himself believe it's something more. Letting his guard down a bit, some of the tenderness Rodney feels bleeds through.

John clasps his hand and stares back soulfully.

"Rodney." Zelenka's voice comes in over the com.

 _'God, Zelenka has the worst timing._

In agitation, Rodney pulls the radio out of his to pocket answer.

"I finally figured out how to override some of Michael's lockout codes." Zelenka gives them their first piece of good news.

"That's great can you shut down the self-destruct?" Rodney asks.

"No. No, no, that will take a little bit more time. I have however, managed to get the access doors to the Gate Room open."

"Well, that does us absolutely no good." Rodney chastises him, "I mean, the stun field is still in effect."

John clicks his radio on, asking Zelenka, "What about the transporter on the Gate Room level?"

"Ah, no, no, I still don't have control of that, either."

"For crying out loud." Rodney complains.

Zelenka apologizes, "I'm sorry, I'm doing the best I can. Michael has placed several highly encrypted codes-"

Rodney cuts him off, "Look, just… What about the Gate shield? Can you lower it?"

"Ye-Yes. That I can do."

"Great." Rodney turns to John in relief, "You don't have to do your kamikaze run."

"Why not?" John spins in his pilot chair.

"Well, you just have to fly up to the tower, get in proximity, dial the DHD to a random planet... We'll have Radek lower the gate shield, allowing the vortex to obliterate Michael's Puddle Jumper, or most of it."

"Now, that's a good plan." John looks at Rodney in approval as he walks back out of the Jumper.

"Where are you going?" Rodney stops him.

"You're gonna fly it." John informs. "That frees me up to lead the strike team."

"You…"

"Look, you said it yourself. It's simple enough. You just dial the gate."

"I… Guess I can do that."

"Go easy on the accelerator." John reminds him then speaks into his radio, "Radek, get ready to drop that shield on my mark."

John disappears and Rodney sits in the pilot's chair, "Right."

He lifts the Jumper out of the murky water, keeping the speed low. Then he arcs up so he has the tower in his sights.

"All right", He tells John over the radio, "I'm in the air, approaching the central tower."

"Copy that." John replies and checks in with the lab, "Zelenka, you ready?"

"Ready when you are." Zelenka answers.

"I'm in position ready to dial." Rodney waits ready to act.

"Radek, drop the shield." John orders.

"The shield's down!" Zelenka yells. "Go, Rodney!"

He dials as fast as he can and it works.

Thank God, Michael's Jumper is damaged enough to drop the force field and the self-destruct goes off as soon as the Jumper's power is cut.

From the sidelines Rodney hears John and the others engage in a firefight with Michael and his hybrids.

When it's all said and done Michael is dead.

Finally.

.

.

With Atlantis back to normal, Rodney stands by John's side, ready for their rematch.

As the cars take off, he mocks, "Take a good long, look. 'Cause soon you're gonna see nothing but tail lights."

John seems unimpressed, "Nice try, Speed Racer."

"Ha, ha ha!" Rodney watches as his superior car breaks ahead, "Ha! … Whoa."

Teyla steps into the hall with her son Torren, this time more gingerly.

They stop the cars anyway and check to make sure she's okay, "I'm sorry." Rodney calls out, "We were just, you know…"

"Who's winning?" Teal asks in amusement.

"I am." They both answer simultaneously.

"Yeah." Rodney throws John sarcastic look. He points to the baby, "Still colicky, huh?"

"He was awake all day. Refused to take a nap."

"That's not surprising." John tells her, "He got a full night's sleep."

"Yes, it's remarkable he slept through the entire ordeal. He hasn't slept through a whole night in… ever."

"Well, he can rest easy now, 'cause Michael's finally out of the picture." Rodney smiles.

Teyla's expression remains serious, "Unfortunately, there will be somebody else to take his place, of this I am certain."

"He's got supermom watching his back. If you ask me he's in good hands." John walks forward to play with the baby, "Torren, do you want to watch me kick Rodney's ass?"

"Ah, ha-ha-ha." Rodney tells her, "Actually, you may want to cover the child's eyes, because, ah, this could get ugly."

"Are you ready?" John taunts.

"Yeah."

"One, two,-"

John starts his car early.

"Hey! Hey!" What a total cheater… Rodney will beat him anyway.

He hears Teyla laughing in the background as they battle it out.

.  
.


	82. You torture yourself everyday, John

.  
.

Ronon is surprised it's taken Rodney half the meal to notice John's absence and ask where he is.

Teyla sighs, "He flew some astrobiologists to the mainland this morning."

"And volunteered to stay with them overnight." Ronon smiles up at Rodney with a knowing look, wondering if he'll get a reaction.

"He did?" Rodney simply seems confused, "Why would he _do_ that?"

Ronon tilts his head at Rodney. ' _Come on McKay, you're not that oblivious.'_

When Rodney still acts confused, Ronon gives a look that spells it all out.

 _'There it is.'_ That hint of sadness in Rodney's face before he quickly covers it up with feigned disinterest.

Ronon has noticed that Rodney has always seemed upset by the idea of Sheppard being with someone else. But if Rodney feels something deeper for John, he sure isn't going to tell Ronon about it.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John is regretting listening to Ronon's advice about taking the biologists to the mainland.

Okay, so he thought Dr. Kiang was cute, but he couldn't have anything less in common with her. Sure, she talks as much as Rodney, but she isn't a thing like him. John really can't handle any more mind numbing conversation about plants today.

Leaving her with the other scientist, John heads back to the Jumper. But there is a strange rustle somewhere nearby... And again another sound like someone's right behind him.

John turns but is hit by a stunner before he can defend himself.

.

.

When John wakes, he's alone in a clearing, his hands tied together with some crude rope. Edging over to an outcropping rock, John rubs the rope against the sharp edge until he unravels the material.

His weapons and radio are gone but he makes his way back to the Jumper to rearm himself and call for help.

Crap. The insides of the Jumper have been torn apart. John takes a look around and curses in frustration. There is practically nothing here worth salvaging.

The best he finds is a knife; so he heads out with the blade and follows footprints on the ground to find the biologists. But they are gone, their equipment strewn about the forest floor.

Heading into the woods to look for them, John thinks he spots a Genii soldier.

"Hello, John." A voice comes from behind him and he spins.

"Kolya!?"

Something heavy hits him in the face before he blacks out again.

.

.

This time when John comes to, he's tied to a tree.

"Keep looking," Kolya is speaking into his radio, "they're scientists. Trust me, they don't run very fast." He looks to John, "You're awake. Save your energy, you're not getting away this time."

"I killed you." John struggles to understand how it's possible for Kolya to be here, let alone alive.

"You shot me. There's a difference."

"No" John remembers, he'd definitely been dead. "I killed you."

Koyla comes up with a story about using some Ancient technology to shield himself, but John's not entirely buying it.

"How did you get here?" John demands; when Kolya doesn't answer, he tries again, "How'd you find us?"

"Turns out some of your off-world contacts aren't as trustworthy as you think. You're secret's out Sheppard."

Something about the way Kolya says the word 'secret's' and holds his gaze, makes the hair on the back of John's neck stand up... like he knows more secrets... other than where Atlantis is located.

John swallows and says nothing.

Finally, Kolya turns his eyes East, "A half day's walk in that direction will bring us to the edge of the mainland. I figure It'll take us maybe 2 days to reach Atlantis by boat."

John scoffs, "Before you even get to the edge of the city, they're going to blow you out of the water."

"No. They won't even see us coming. They'll be too busy counting their dead."

"What are you going to do?" John clenches against his bindings.

Pulling out a pair of gloves, Kolya puts them on, speaking slowly and deliberately, "Send an explosive through your gate, cripple the city's defenses. But for that, I'm going to need something from you. I think you call it an IDC."

"Go to hell." John wil die before giving them any access codes.

"Yeah," Kolya finishes putting on his gloves, "I thought you would need some convincing."

He slams a heavy fist into the side of John's face. He'd have fallen to the ground if the rope weren't holding him up against the tree. Kolya continues to deliver a savage beating, kicking and pummeling John's body into submission. He seems to take great delight from the endeavor. John is barely conscious when he stops.

"You can tolerate more than any man I've ever known." Kolya sounds out of breath.

 _'Yeah, a training course with the Taliban will do that to you.'_ John weakly blinks through the blood running down his face.

"Now why is that?" Kolya asks.

John tries to breathe through his cracked ribs. _'Growing up the way he did, the things he experienced in war.. Not much of anything can reach him now… Except maybe Rodney.'_ "Well, I was married once." he cracks.

Bending down to John's level, Kolya leers, "You're here in the Pegasus Galaxy to protect your people, but half the time you can't even do that. That's what drives you isn't it?" Again Kolya is peering at John strangely as if he can read his mind, "Your past failures."

Again Kolya's fist slams into John's jaw, leaving him slumped to one side. "You think by not giving me the IDC, you're keeping you're people safe? You're just putting off the inevitable. It's over. You can't protect them. You, those scientists, your friends back at Atlantis, they're as good as dead."

"Well," Kolya backs away, "I see that asking nice isn't working. I'm going to have to make other plans." He pulls out his radio, "Two men, report to my position."

"On our way" comes the reply.

"In a couple of minutes," Kolya threatens, "You're going to wish you'd given me that IDC. You think you can protect him now? You think you can keep Rodney safe? You had your chance, and now you're going to fail him just like you failed Holland and the others."

John squints to hide his fear and confusion. _'How can Kolya know any of this?'_

"You thought I didn't know about Rodney? I know all your secrets, John. You're nothing more than a hollow husk, no wonder you don't mind being tortured." Kolya sneers, "You torture yourself everyday."

Trying to hide his emotion, John doesn't take the bait. He argues with Kolya that there's no way he can use the Jumper to access the city. But Kolya tells him he has a work around for the Ancient gene needed to operate it.

The soldiers untie his hands and the two of them hold his arms, stretching them away from his body.

The blade comes down fast on his forearm and John lets out a bloodcurdling scream as his limb is severed. Thankfully, he loses consciousness again.

.

.

John blinks and the world comes back into focus. His truncated arm has been bandaged, they've done something else to stop the bleeding. But the pain is overwhelming, throbbing, sharp, clouding his mind with every pulse.

Kolya is standing over him, "You're an interesting man, Sheppard. You travel to another galaxy, risk your life defending a bunch of people you don't even know. If you ask me, you're either someone with a death wish, or someone running away from something."

"So," Kolya bends down on one knee, "tell me, what are you running away from?"

Struggling to stay conscious, John's eyes glaze over in pain, his sight obscured by the blood dripping off his brow.

"It's okay," Kolya shakes his head, "you don't need to tell me, I already know your secrets, the reasons you choose to run away from yourself. You're so transparent. In a way... You disappoint me, John. I didn't think you'd be this easy to break. Even those two scientists you came with put up more of a fight before we killed them."

Hearing that, John's eyes widen and his nostrils flare in anger.

"Just another two you couldn't save." Kolya taunts.

 _'How can Kolya know all of these things about him, just what to say to tear him down the most?'_

Kolya and his men are momentarily distracted by discussing how they've been able to use John's severed hand to activate the Jumper. Summoning every last bit of energy at his disposal, John jerks his body away from the tree and runs to hide in the forest.

Jesus. The pain is blinding, but he can't let them get to Atlantis.

John holds his wounded arm and carefully wraps it up into one of the cords from his vest. Gingerly he secures if to his chest. Fuck. His ribs, he can barely get any air.

It isn't easy with one arm, but John stops them, ambushing the soldiers one by one until there is only Kolya left.

Using one of the guns he stole from a dead Genii soldier, John fires at Kolya as he is tackled to the ground.

He feels himself rolling over the edge of a cliff and grabs desperately with his remaining hand to hold onto something. His fingers grasp a viney plant and he dangles without the strength to pull himself up.

The drop below is too far to survive.

At the top of the cliff, Kolya calls down, his voice suddenly calm, "This has gone on long enough. Use your other hand…" he urges, "Go on."

Pulling his damaged hand from the vest, John is shocked to see it has reappeared intact.

"I have no intention of letting you die." Kolya tells him. "Now, climb back up, John."

Unwinding his arm from the cord, John pulls himself up.

The pain has disappeared, in fact, all of his injuries seem to be gone; John stands upright and pulls out his knife, keeping his distance. "What the hell is going on here?"

'Kolya' admits that he is really an artificial intelligence that has been slumbering in a device, dormant until recently discovered by McKay at the bottom of the ocean.

It's seed carrier holds a repository containing the history of the Sekkari people and the chemical compounds necessary to produce, sustain, and develop the extinct race again. The aim of this ruse has been to study Atlantis and determine what kind of beings they are.

It tells John, "As a soldier, you were a threat. If anyone was to use force to secure the repository, it would have been you, the military man. So I connected with your mind to distract you."

"Distract me?" John shakes angrily. "Making me think the Jumper had been sabotaged  
would have been enough of a distraction."

"You would have discovered the subterfuge. I'm unable to maintain a static illusion over time. It was necessary to keep your mind... occupied "

"And that's what you chose!?"

"What _you_ chose." the entity tells him. "I didn't have full control over your hallucination or direction it took. It was your mind driving the diversion. I merely played along."

"Are you saying I tortured myself?" John whispers hoarsely.

You torture yourself every day, John." Kolya's image stares at him with those piercing eyes again."

He exhales and looks to the ground. _'That's true enough.'_ John wonders if this thing can read his mind. How else would it know about Rodney?

"But in this case," The illusion continues, "it was your mind manifesting your darkest fears. You were the architect of your own self-deception."

The image flickers away and John is left with those haunting words. _'The architect of your own deception... You torture yourself every day, John.'_

Both of the biologists are alive and well when he returns to the Jumper. One of them stands up, "Colonel, where were you? Do you know how long we've been sitting here waitin-"

In a foul mood, John tells them to shut up and get in the Jumper.

Back on Atlantis, Rodney fills John in on the missing details. He found a device on the ocean floor but there had been a power struggle with the IOA about whether to dismantle it to gain access to its technology.

Since accessing the repository would destroy the ability for the artificial intelligence to reseed life on a silica based planet, Woolsey eventually decides to help send the Sekkarian device on its intended voyage; despite whatever fallout might come his way.

So, John tries to set his own bitter feelings aside and pitch in with the effort, helping Rodney wheel the thing into the gate room in order to send it to its original destination.

Still, he is suspicious, something about all this just doesn't add up to him.

.

.

 _'You are the architect of your own self-deception.'_

That phrase has been running through his mind for weeks. Why did Rodney and Woolsey have such benign hallucinations while John's had been a waking nightmare?

He has been running a long time, long before he ever met Rodney. Driven by fear of facing himself, of what he might be, fear of being so inadequate, fear of failing everyone he's cared for.

Only now the pain has become unbearable. Because of Rodney. He makes John feel too much, he can't turn himself off when he's around him.

But everyday, for years now, John's had to hide his true feelings about Rodney. And it is torture.

 _'You torture yourself every day, John.'_

When Rodney took John aside to confide that he wanted to ask Jennifer to come with him to a physics lecture on Earth, John had hidden his feelings well.

He'd encouraged him to do it and Rodney had looked so damn nervous and excited… so flustered.

Flustered in a way that made John want to kiss it all away. To stop Rodney from talking, to make him speechless with passion.

John can't do it anymore, keep this up, torturing himself like this by watching Rodney fall for Jennifer. There has to be some way to let go of all the suffering, to escape back to a place of numb detachment... He should just do what he's always been best at and run away from it all.

.

.

Ronan seems puzzled, "You sure you don't want to spend your leave going back to Earth with McKay and the others?"

"No," John offers a fake explanation, "the SGC doesn't have a ZPM, so 2 weeks on Earth means 3 weeks cooped up in the Daedalus. That's 5 weeks of missing work. We only get one of those every year and a half, so I'd like to save mine for something more special."

"So, we're going camping instead?" Ronon asks unenthusiastically.

"On a beach that's never been surfed or even touched. You know you got to be a little more excited about this thing."

"Uh-huh" Ronon sounds bored.

John gestures to Jennifer and Rodney looking cozy together over at another cafeteria table, "Hey, check that out."

"What?"

John pushes his lips together and a crease appears in his brow, "Think he's ever going to make a move?

"Who cares." Ronon snarls.

Following Ronon to a table, John shakes his head. Ronon's right, its better not to know.

They sit out of the line of sight from the happy couple and begin eating, but John just can't let it go. He mumbles to Ronon that he'll be right back, then stealthily skirts the edge of the main cafeteria until he is within earshot of Rodney and Jennifer.

He gathers from the conversation that Rodney has asked her to the physics excursion already. but Jennifer doesn't sound excited about it, "Yeah, it doesn't really sound like fun."

"Well, there'll be drinks, probably, and maybe those little sandwiches" Rodney adds hopefully, "And me, I'll be there."

"You don't have to fabricate all these reasons on why you need me to be with you." Jennifer tells him, "You could just ask me out on a date."

"Hey, I didn't want to…" Rodney seems caught off guard, "I mean, I know you…"

Jennifer cuts him off, "I'll probably say yes."

"Well," Rodney blinks and tries to act cool, "you want to go to this thing with me?"

"Sure. I'd love to." Jennifer smiles and looks pleased.

John's heart skips a beat when he sees Rodney's expression. He's adorable when he's so happily shocked.

"Well, I'd love… I mean, that's good. Good. Great. That's…"

"It's a date." Jennifer finalizes things.

Rodney tries to repeat the statement but it barely comes out as a whisper, "It's a date."

John tells himself this is good. Rodney isn't going to miss out on his chance to be with Jennifer in this timeline. But it doesn't change things for him. He's still hopelessly in love with Rodney and the despair he feels over losing him forever is a torture he can't take anymore.

He makes his way back to Ronon's table, grateful that he won't have to see either of them for a few weeks.

.

.

While Rodney is gone on his trip with Jennifer, John is almost able to shut the pain away. He stays active and distracts himself in any way he can.

But when Rodney gets back, it's harder to ignore the gut-wrenching feeling. Every time he sees him, John feels like his chest has been ripped open by a knife, he feels too vulnerable, everything is raw.

When Rodney corners him and recounts his trip to Earth, John is practically crawling out of his skin. He lets him go on for while until he finds a natural opening to leave.

Once he makes his escape, John goes straight to his quarters to finish up a long overdue project. Writing it all out is therapeutic, like a weight is being lifted off his shoulders. It feels like such a relief to let go and formalize his letter of resignation.

Rodney had been so eager to tell John about his exciting adventure back on Earth. How his colleague's experiment had malfunctioned and Rodney had been there to save the day.

Saved Jennifer too... by cutting down a door with an axe before she could succumb to hypothermia.

The worst part of the story was that Jennifer told Rodney she loved him, just before they shared their first kiss. Only Rodney's version had been a lot longer than that. It had seemed to go on forever. John thought he'd never be able to get away.

It's odd that Jennifer chose the same words John told Rodney all those years ago... That day in John's room, after Rodney had fallen unconscious from effects of the Ascension machine.

 _"I've loved you for some time now."_

Actually, he'd said that exact phrase again when Rodney was semi-conscious from that brain parasite… Not that Rodney would have remembered. And Jennifer would certainly have no way of knowing that. It's just weird.

Once John has written everything down, he heads to the gym to work out some of his frustration.

Ronon shows up after a while, in a much better mood. He tells John that he's started dating that cute chick in the Gate Room, Amelia. John tries to congratulate him and sound positive but he doesn't pull it off well.

"What's wrong with you?" Ronon gives him a sidelong look.

"Nothing." John shakes his head, "I'm actually feeling... better."

"Uh-huh?" Ronon sounds unconvinced.

"Or at least I will be." John gives a long blink then gives in to Ronon's gaze and sighs.

"I wasn't planning on telling you like this." he narrows his eyes, "I've got a lot on my mind… Guess I'm not doing the best job at hiding it."

"Why don't you just tell me what's up?"

"Um," John rubs his neck nervously, "I made a decision about Atlantis, and, uh, thing is… I'm leaving."

Ronon stares darkly for a moment, "Just like that..."

"I have to." John lowers his eyes.

"I don't know why you think you need to leave to move on."

"Because I," John lets his mask slip and the pain bleed through, "I literally can't take it anymore. Besides, you'll all be fine without me, you've got Teyla and Amelia, Rodney's got Carson and Jennifer…"

"So, where does that leave you?"

"I don't know yet. I'll figure it out when I get there. I just don't want to be around for Rodney to show me another fucking ring or ask me to be his best man. It's torture, a little more every day. It's hard enough trying to keep that hidden now, I, I just can't keep doing this."

"You going to transfer somewhere else?"

"No" John hangs his hands on his hips, "No more military."

"So what then?"

"Like I said… I don't know."

Ronon frowns at him, "This is the part where I'm supposed to talk you out of it."

"Oh yeah? How's that going to go?"

"Well, I'm not gonna try to."

"You're not?"

"No. You know what I'd say anyway… That running isn't going to change anything… You're just running from yourself and it would be better to face your fears with friends by your side… Who, by the way, would do anything for you… And, uh, not that we need you or anything, but…You, uh, you're kind of irreplaceable, Sheppard."

"But you're not going to say any of that."

"No. Don't have to. You know it already."

John smiles at Ronon and pats him on the shoulder, "I'll miss you, too."

After a moment Ronon asks, "When?"

"I don't know that either, I just… I just wrote my letter of resignation. When it seems like the right time to go, I'll hand it in."

"Shit."

"Sorry, buddy."

"Anyone else know?"

"Uh, no. I'm not going to tell them. I hate having to say goodbyes… you know?"

"Just like that?" Ronon looks angry, "You're not going to say anything to Teyla?"

Shuffling his feet, John looks at the floor, "Was kinda hoping you might hand out a couple letters for me."

"Shit." Ronon shakes his head. "And you're going to leave without ever telling Rodney-"

"The timeline is the way it's supposed to be."

"Bullshit, you're just scared."

John presses his lips together and says nothing. Maybe Ronon's a little bit right, but it doesn't matter any more.

.  
.


	83. If John doesn't care he'll date Jennifer

.

.

It isn't often that Jennifer joins them on field missions; smiling at her, Rodney can't get over how amazing she is. He still can't really believe she actually wants to be with him.

"How you doing?" he wonders if she's figured out yet why her new retrovirus caused Todd's Hive to get sick.

She just sighs; Rodney is sympathetic, "Ooh! That good, huh?"

"I don't know." Jennifer pushes a strand of hair, "I guess I'm making progress. I found out what was killing them."

"You did?"

"Mmm-hmm. The treatment worked exactly like it was supposed to. It eliminated their feeding hands, it activated their digestive system just like it did in the simulation, but unfortunately, it also created a virulent cancer-like disease at the same time that was weakening their immune systems. That's what killed them."

He can't stop noticing how pretty Jennifer is and murmurs, "Well, is there anything you can do about it?"

"I don't know." Jennifer is glum, "Maybe. It's possible."

Rodney can't stop thinking about the fact that Jennifer said she loves him; it seems so... unreal. Of course he's attracted to her and cares about her a lot, he just hasn't been able to return those words yet. But he hopes to, very soon.

Continuing to assure her that she'll make it work, he steps behind her and begins massaging her shoulders to help her relax. It seems to do the trick.

But they aren't able to stay long enough for Jennifer to complete her research. The organic ship begins ripping itself apart, apparently from the same disease effecting the crew. The hallways close them in and they are trapped. The only choice is to take Todd out of stasis and get him to help.

He is not pleased that they haven't yet discovered a cure, "You woke me for this?" Todd growls.

They argue with him about trying to land the disintegrating ship, but he wants to focus on the cure instead.

For a brief time Jennifer works with him, but when it becomes impossible to complete the task in time, Todd makes another proposal. There is an ancient practice of allowing an Iratus bug Queen to feed on a terminally ill Wraith to restore it to health and Todd wants to travel to a planet less than 3 days away where the Iratus bugs live.

At first, John isn't willing to consider it, but when the ship literally begins to tear in two, Todd is forced to make a crash landing. In return, John promises to take him to this planet where he can seek his Iratus cure.

Rodney doesn't know what it is about John and that Wraith. Exchanging favors has practically become a tradition between the two of them.

.

.

Back on Atlantis, Rodney tosses restlessly to the other side of his bed, unable to sleep. Maybe he should cut back on the coffee a little bit…

Stretching his hand out across the mattress, he can't help but think of John. John was the reason he got this stupid oversized thing in the first place… Rodney had imagined he might stop sleeping on the couch and join him up here.

There haven't been many times when he and John slept together in the same bed... but it has always been so perfect.

Once they are touching, all fear and confusion is forgotten. It isn't even about sex, they haven't done anything like that in years. It's just, when John is holding him, Rodney feels like he is home.

There are too many times that Rodney has let himself hope about John, he can't let himself do it again. it always ends the same way, despairing and alone.

This mattress is a relic of one of those past episodes where Rodney had allowed himself to think John might want more. A reminder of what he can't have.

He should know better by now…

But if Rodney is honest with himself, there's still a part of him, a part of his heart, that will always belong to John. It keeps him from being able to move on and feel the way he should about Jennifer.

The trip to Earth had been a rush, saving the day when that idiot Malcolm Tunney's machine malfunctioned at the conference.

When he'd rescued Jennifer, she'd kissed him and told him that she'd loved him, "For some time now".

Something about that phrase had given Rodney a sense of Deja-vu... or maybe he just heard it somewhere before.

Had John said something like it that day they almost kissed?… that he had needed to tell Rodney something _'for some time now'?_

Rodney supposes it isn't really the same, he only imagined the part where John loved him back.

Hearing Jennifer's profession, having someone finally want and care about him... Well, it had been exhilarating. Her soft lips so inviting and succulent. Rodney felt a rush of warmth flood through his body despite the ice temperature of the water she'd nearly succumbed to.

Even though Jennifer had agreed to officially go on a date with him, hearing her confess such strong feelings had been a shock. It's hard to believe that someone as beautiful and alluring as her would choose him over Ronon.

When Rodney got back to Atlantis, he'd waited for the right moment to talk to John. Strategically placing the story together, he wanted to gauge his reactions.

He'd watched his face as he told him about the trip. John just smiled emptily, seeming mildly bored even during the most dramatic part of the story when Rodney realized that Jennifer was stranded and freezing to death in the ice cold water.

"I don't know what I would have done if I lost her."

A disinterested nod had been the only reply. John's eyes glanced to the door as if he was politely waiting for Rodney to finish.

To capture John's attention, Rodney skipped to the part where he broke down the door with an axe and gave Jennifer CPR. "I don't know if it was just the excitement, 'cause I saved her life and all, but she kissed me and told me that she..."

"She said she loved me." Rodney peered up at John, "That she had for some time now."

Then Rodney saw a flicker of something in John's eyes, "She said what?"

At least John seemed to be listening to that part.

"Well, ah, yeah, that's what she said."

"What did she say, exactly?" John's face went still.

"Um, she… she said, _'I love you. I have for some time now.'_ Uh, yeah, that's how she put it."

For a moment, John's lips pressed down into a slight frown before looking back at Rodney with a smile, "Weird. …I mean, good. Good weird, right?"

"What part is weird?"

"The, ah… No. I just mean, you say 'neat', I say 'weird'. Like, as in… 'way to go Rodney'." John's expression had been calm and congratulatory.

"So, you think she meant it?"

"Absolutely." John's eyes sparkled with genuine warmth as he touched Rodney on the shoulder, "I know she meant it. You got the girl, now don't wait 6 months to ask her out on a second date."

"No-no-no. Things with Katie were different. There was a reason I didn't… Anyway, we're going to watch Dr. No tomorrow night, they're screening it in the rec room. So, second date, already in place."

"That sounds great." John gave Rodney a conspiratorial side smile, "It really does. I got a good a feeling about this."

"You do?"

"I do. I definitely do." John's smile deepened; there had been no trace of emotion other than solid encouragement for Rodney to pursue Jennifer.

He should have known John wouldn't care whether or not he was seeing someone. But it was still a bit of a disappointment that he was so unmoved. Something about it seemed so final, like John was not only giving a blessing to the relationship but that he never expected to be that close with Rodney again.

For some reason Rodney feels more sad about that than he is excited about Jennifer.

And he's been dating Jennifer for over a month. Right now he should be dreaming about her spending the night in his big bed, not missing the old days when John used to spend nights and days hanging out in his room.

.

.

Rodney has been a little worried that Jennifer missed their lunch date and hasn't been responding to his calls over the comm.

When he finally finds her in one of the corridors, he runs up to her, "There you are! I've been looking all over for you. Is your radio not working? I called, like, 1,000 times."

Jennifer just stammers at him.

He reaches up with familiarity and takes the comm from her ear, "All right. Here."

She grabs his arm and looks at him oddly.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa." Rodney smiles, "I just wanted to check your earwig. Here we go."

Lifting her hair gently, he removes the headset, "There we go. It's probably just a dead battery." Rodney chirps merrily, "Come on, schnitzel day. We've got to hurry, though 'cause it's going fast."

"So what happened?" He asks, as she follows him toward the cafeteria.

"What do you mean?" She seems confused.

"Well, hello, our lunch date? You were supposed to meet me, like, half an hour ago."

"I must have forgotten."

"Hey." Rodney turns to look at her more closely, "What's wrong? You seem distracted. Is something bothering you?" He hopes he hasn't messed everything up somehow.

Jennifer shakes her head slightly but she isn't looking at him the way she normally does.

Oh no. Rodney knew this thing with Jennifer was too good to be true. He was bound to fuck up before too long; he continues nervously, "Did I do something? I did, didn't I ? What'd I do?"

"Nothing," Jennifer shakes her head again, "I just… I'm not…"

A voice breaks over the comm Rodney is holding in his hand, "Dr. Keller?... Dr. Keller please respond!"

"Just a second." Rodney holds the earpiece up to his mouth and hands it back to Jennifer, "It's for you. Working fine, apparently." _'Okay, so Jennifer just didn't want to talk to him.'_

"Hello?" Jennifer fits the earpiece on her head, questioning. "Dr. Zelenka?"

Rodney impatiently touches his earpiece to join the conversation, "What's wrong with Zelenka? Is this about another one of his so-called migraines? 'Cause if it is, you can just send him right down to..."

The nurse on the other line speaks, "He's been stabbed!"

"Stabbed?" Rodney is shocked, "What do you mean, stabbed? Like with a knife, stabbed? By who?"

"I don't know," The nurse answers, "an S.O. S. just radioed us. He's unconscious, losing a lot of blood. They're rushing him to the infirmary."

Rodney tells them they're on their way. Hurrying to the infirmary, Rodney stares at Zelenka and then back to Jennifer. She is acting so strangely, like she's confused by everything around her.

Then Jennifer freezes up on the operating table and tells the staff to take over for her because she isn't feeling well.

After her team completes the surgery for her, Rodney joins John to update Woolsey about Zelenka's condition. He's still in an induced coma but they're hopeful he'll recover. Woolsey instructs John to run a full investigation and get to the bottom of this attack.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Ronon stops by to check up on Jennifer; leaning in the doorway trying to look his sexiest, he gazes at her with warmth and protectiveness, "Hey. I heard you weren't feeling well."

"No." Jennifer responds plainly.

"Can I come in?" he ventures.

Jennifer looks unsure, "All right."

"So," Ronon ambles up to her, "what's wrong with you?"

"I don't know." She shakes her head, "I'm just... tired?"

He looks at her intently and smiles, "Been pushing yourself real hard lately."

"Yes. Well." Jennifer stumbles, "I mean, you know me, I'm always pushing myself real hard."

Ronon walks in closer, his feelings for her haven't changed and he knows he isn't hiding it very well.

"What?" She meets his gaze.

He knows she said she wasn't interested, but he'd been hoping to see something in her eyes, something he'd sworn was there before.

"Nothing." He doesn't see it, she's looking at him like she doesn't even know him; still, he finds himself drawn in, edging even closer to her.

"Anyway, I'll be fine, I just need to…" Jennifer stops talking.

"Hi." Rodney's voice projects from the open door.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Looking at Ronon and Jennifer standing so close to each other, Rodney asks, "Am I interrupting anything?"

Maybe this is why Jennifer was acting strangely; maybe she's chosen Ronon after all.

Ronon steps back and Jennifer answers with an easygoing, "No."

"Good." but Rodney feels uncertain, "I mean um,… I just dropped by to let you know that Beckett is on his way back. He'll be able to fill in for you while you're… ill"

Jennifer nods politely.

Resenting Ronon's presence, Rodney mumbles, "Great. Yeah, we've sent a Puddle Jumper for him."

"A Puddle Jumper?" Jennifer raises her eyebrows.

"Well, he's in some remote desert village." Rodney explains, "It'll take too long to walk back to the gate, so it's easier just to, you know, hitch a ride."

"A ride on a Puddle Jumper" Jennifer repeats in a strange tone.

Rodney is acutely aware of the fact that Ronon has been staring at Jennifer this whole time, "Yeah." he answers.

There is an awkward silence until Ronon and Rodney finally look at each other.

"Maybe we should leave, you know, let her get some rest." Rodney suggests.

"Yeah." Ronon gazes at Jennifer in concern.

He waits for Ronon to leave first and then sincerely tells her, "Call me if you need anything."

"I will." she promises.

.

.

When Carson arrives, his medical scan turns up nothing. But Jennifer will be staying in the med lab for overnight observation. Rodney keeps a watchful eye on her life signs detector. Later that night he notices that she's headed to the Jumper bay.

He leaves to go check on her and finds her in a shuttle, "What are you doing?"

Jennifer spins around in the pilot's chair, "Uh, I couldn't sleep."

This is where he'd expect to find John late at night, but never Jennifer; Rodney screws his face up, puzzled, "What, so you came up to the Jumper Bay?"

"Yeah, I thought I'd go for a ride."

"In a Puddle Jumper?"

"Is there a problem with that?" Jennifer challenges.

"A few." Rodney frowns, "For starters you don't have the Ancient gene so you can't fly one. But you already know that."

"Can you fly it?" Jennifer buzzes flirtatiously.

"Of course I can. That's not the point." He can fly pretty well now, thanks to all John's lessons. "Look," Rodney continues, "you should be back in the infirmary."

Jennifer stands up and walks close to him, "But you can take me for a ride."

She rubs his arms and Rodney's eyes go big, "What, now?"

"It would really help me relax." Jennifer leans into him.

"I thought Beckett gave you a pill for that." Rodney wonders.

"They didn't work." Jennifer sighs and pouts.

"Oh..." Rodney flushes.

She pulls Rodney toward the controls, purring, "Yeah. Come on. Please? Just you and me? Alone."

Jennifer pulls her lips close to his, her hands move up around Rodney's shoulders, "You could take me somewhere secluded. And we could… make love underneath the stars."

Rodney's pulse quickens and he kicks himself for the fact that they haven't slept together already. He's been such an idiot, giving Ronon a chance to move in. Clearly, Jennifer's wanted this right from the start, she's spelled it out for him a few times.

He feels stupid for waiting. 6 weeks ago, Jennifer told Rodney she loved him. And it's been so intense, so good since then. It's just, he wanted to return her feelings, to be able to say the same words back to her before they...

Well, it seems silly now. He _has_ feelings for her, and they are getting stronger by the day. There's no need to wait for it to feel like love. Rodney wants her badly. He knows the sex will be amazing, much better than it ever was with mild Katie. The blood rushes to Rodney's cock and he can hardly think straight.

"Really?" Rodney gulps.

"Would you like that?" Jennifer whispers on his lips.

"Well, yeah!" ' _What's not to like?'_ Then Rodney manages to have a practical thought, "I mean, I'd have to get a blanket though, because the mainland's groundcover is loaded with allergens."

"Let's just go now." Jennifer shakes her head spontaneously.

"Wait." Rodney's brain is working again, "Wait. No-no-no-no. Look, look. You should go back to the infirmary."

"Forget about the infirmary." Jennifer is insistent, "I need to be with you."

"Jennifer, please." Rodney flushes.

"Come on." She pleads, "I mean, just a quick ride. Don't you want to be with me?"

"No. No, I just… _Yes!_ " This all seems wrong to Rodney, "I just…" he protests against Jennifer's ministrations, "Will you stop? Look, I don't know what's wrong with you, but you are clearly not yourself. I'm taking you back to the infirmary."

"No." she pulls away.

"Well, you can argue all you want, I'm not letting you-"

"You're not taking me anywhere." Jennifer's voice becomes strained.

"Jennifer, now, I need you to listen to me." Rodney tries to reason with her, "As soon as you are cured of whatever it is that is affecting you, you're going to thank me for this, so let's go."

He tries to grab her physically but she spins around and pulls a gun on him.

"What are you doing?" Rodney is aghast.

"You should have taken me on that ride." Jennifer looks at him menacingly.

Rodney is trying to figure out if she's really going to shoot him when the sound of Ronon's stunner rings out and Jennifer crumples to the ground unconscious.

 _'Okay. Guess he wasn't the only one keeping tabs on her tonight.'_

He and Ronon take Jennifer back to medical where she is placed in restraints. Both of them are pretty sure now, that whoever this is, it's not Jennifer.

Under questioning she admits that her name is Neeva and she has no idea how she ended up here. One minute she was going through some Ancestral artifacts and the next she was in Atlantis, in another woman's body.

As John questions her, it comes out that she's a petty thief. The artifact she was touching before she found herself here fits the description of a piece of Ancient technology capable of transferring consciousness between bodies. She'd been touching one of the consciousness transferring stones at the time.

Then it begins to come together.

Jennifer recently touched a stone that had been in Janus's lab. It must have still been connected to this machine somehow.

The imposter, Neeva, agrees to help them get back to the planet and switch their minds back, provided they let her go free afterwards. She says she didn't mean to hurt Zelenka, she was just startled and felt threatened by him.

Since they need her, they take her with them. The village is a few hours hike from the gate and they barely arrive in time to stop the real Jennifer from being executed for the attempted theft. In the process Neeva runs and a shoot out ensues between the villagers and Neeva's accomplices.

When it's all over, Jennifer's body has been wounded and shot in the stomach. Carrying her back to the magistrates office, they convince him to let Carson treat her and use the Ancient device to restore Jennifer to her rightful body.

No one at Stargate Command has ever figured out how to turn these consciousness transferring devices off, so John and Rodney confer about what to do.

Finally, Ronon just shoots it with his powerful rifle and Jennifer wakes up herself at last.

.

.

Once Jennifer is safely back in the infirmary on Atlantis, Rodney brings her flowers and chocolates; settling into the nearby chair he asks, "So I was thinking, when you're feeling better, we could maybe, you know, go for a ride."

"A ride?" she asks.

Thinking about the imagery Neeva planted in his mind, Rodney continues, "Yeah, you know, take the Puddle jumper, go to the mainland, maybe have a picnic, maybe lay out under the stars."

She blinks at him.

"What?" Rodney isn't sure how to interpret her reaction.

"You did turn off that communication terminal, right?" Jennifer points to his head with a smile, "There's no one else in there?"

"No, it's really me." Rodney grins.

"'Cause a Puddle Jumper ride and the picnic under the stars, I mean, that's just so…"

"So not me." Rodney feels stupid, "Okay. Right. No, bad idea."

"No." Jennifer takes his hand, "I think it's a great idea."

Beaming back at her, everything feels perfect. The only way life could be any better was if John-

No-no-no-no. He won't let himself go there.

 _'Happy moment with Jennifer. Focus on that.'_

Whatever happened with John is long over. Things are good enough the way they are.

.  
.


	84. Suicide run

.  
.

After Dad died, Dave began to find out about hidden aspects of their business. He figured he'd been the one running everything for years now.

But as unfamiliar associates began to make themselves known to Dave in the months after his father passed away, he's since come to understand that a great deal of his father's success... at least over the last decade, has come through the acquisition of certain technologies. Technologies still unknown to the public, but ones that Patrick Sheppard's unique, and not always legal connections, allowed him access to.

Dave always knew there were silent investors, but he never guessed how influential they really were or how much control they had over certain aspects of the business he knew nothing about... strange new energy sources, advanced nannies, and so much more.

Some of these investors were organized under a group called 'The Trust'; but they seem to have since reorganized into a foundation calling itself 'The Syndicate'. Digging deeper, Dave becomes more concerned as he realizes that some of these technologies seem to be coming from classified government projects.

Various companies owned by the Sheppard family have been supplying the Syndicate with liquid assets to pursue research in exchange for access to the technology. These breakthroughs certainly have been lucrative, but... What was Dad thinking? Shadowy organizations operating outside the law? This kind of thing could ruin the business for good.

Unable to get much further with his own research into these dealings, Dave asked Nancy if she might be able to help him privately. What she'd been able to report back to him only confirmed his worst fears. Though she couldn't get ahold of the classified research, she knew these leaks were something the government had been trying to shut down for years.

"This isn't the kind of thing you want to be digging into." Nancy warned. "Whatever your Dad was into, you need to figure out how to end it."

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that." Dave explained, "The thing is, we're already in bed with these guys and I need to know how big a hole we're in."

"Be careful Dave." Nancy sounded a little too worried, "Looking into this could make you a target."

Still, Dave decided he needed to know exactly who and what Dad got them involved with before abruptly severing their connections. He has more than a few employees who can hack into almost anything. One of them he even trusts.

After a couple days, his guy, Aaron, comes back to him saying he has some answers; though his expression is oddly frozen.

"Well, what is it?" Dave is impatient.

Aaron keeps staring awkwardly, "Well, I found some things. I just don't know if you're going to like it."

Dave sighs in frustration.

"Look, everything I found is here in this computer. It's, it's just too much to explain. You gotta read it... then destroy this laptop -completely."

Intrigued, Dave wonders what could possibly be so dangerous. Opening the laptop, Aaron leans over his shoulder to show him where the files and email correspondence are stored.

"Are you at all related to a Colonel John Sheppard?" Aaron blurts out.

"He's my brother." Dave stills. 'What could John possibly have to do with any of this?'

"Okay." Aaron chews his lip, "This file contains 7 years of SG-1 mission reports. But you're gonna want to start with these SGA files; there's about 5 years of them, maybe start with the ones your brother wrote."

Speechless, Dave frowns up at Aaron. 'It couldn't be that Dad involved John in some of this and left Dave out of the loop.'

"And, uh," Aaron twitters nervously, "If you get lost with any of the tech stuff, check back with the SG-1 folder logs. Most of the stuff started here in the Milky Way."

"Milky Way?"

"Yeah, I know. There's no way you're gonna believe it 'till you read it."

"And what does this have to do with the Syndicate exactly?" Dave asks.

"The SGC, Stargate Command, it's who they're stealing the tech from."

"Star..gate?…" Dave shakes his head in confusion, "How did my Dad get John involved in this?"

"Uh, I don't think he did." Aaron points to the laptop, "It says John Sheppard is the military commander of an outpost in another galaxy… the, uh, the Pegasus Galaxy, actually. See, the SGC has these teams that travel through Stargates-"

"Stargates." Dave looks at Aaron wondering if he's lost his mind.

"Stargates and wormholes… Aliens… Shit, man. It actually exists. I know, I know, I thought it was a joke at first, but the details make sense, it lines up with all the stuff we've been working on."

"And John is…" Dave shakes his head in disbelief, "in another galaxy?"

"Yeah, kicking some serious alien butt and acquiring new technology. Well, somewhat new, I guess a lot of it is thousands of years old, but new to us. It's what powers the Earth defense system."

"Earth… has a defense system... No, no, you know what, I'll just read this myself."

He tells Aaron to keep looking for anything else he can find and opens the first file.

What Dave reads is unbelievable. Alien technology found in Antarctica… His brother traveling on an expedition to another galaxy to discover its source and fight an alien race called the Wraith… His head is spinning. And John... his own brother is writing about alien races, other civilizations and technology... stuff the government's kept secret for years.

Guess that's why it takes so long to get messages to him.

The more Dave reads John's mission reports, the way he writes about these people in this far away place, it's obvious that John's come to see them as a kind of family. He feels a mixture of sadness over the fact that John would need to find a replacement for what he never had... but also a real pride that his brother is the commander of this military organization that has accomplished so much.

Dave stays up for days barely sleeping as he reads everything he has on Atlantis, the SGC base in Cheyenne Mountain, and the alien threats it has been fighting for over a decade.

Obviously, he was going to find a way to disentangle himself from the Syndicate, but now there is a deeper urgency. He can't do anything to hurt John or put him at risk. Whatever the fallout is, he has to cut all ties with these people and shelf the work on the nanite power cells immediately.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney races to repair the damaged Jumper before the modified Wraith Hive can destroy them completely. Even with the Daedalus doing its best to protect them and run interference, it's no match for the massive impenetrable ship.

It's useless. They don't stand a chance. There's no way the Daedalus is going to get through the armor on that giant thing.

Fingers nimbly fumbling over the circuitry, Rodney knew his happiness was too good to last. One moment he was with Jennifer on Atlantis as she was being released from the infirmary... blissfully dreaming of their moonlight picnic and everything else that would follow.

Now?

Now he's about to be killed by this giant Hive ship all souped up by a stolen ZPM. Fucking Todd. They should have let him die instead of dropping him off on that bug planet that cured his infection.

Sure this is the moment he's going to die, Rodney wishes he'd at least had a chance to be with Jennifer before-

"Rodney!" the sound of John's urgent voice from the cockpit cuts through Rodney's self-pity.

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" he yells back, "All right you should have flight controls now."

"What about weapons?" John shouts.

"Not a chance!" They're lucky to still have life support; God knows if the Daedalus is even going to make it at this point.

Teyla speaks up, "Something's happening."

Rodney moves up to the front of the Jumper in disbelief... The giant Hive ship... It's headed into hyperspace, without even bothering to finish them off.

Could this be part of Todd's plan? Rodney knew they shouldn't have listened to his story about how his underling stole the Hive from him; at least they have him locked up on Atlantis. Oh God. What if the Hive ship is headed there? With the ZPM advancements to its hyperdrive it could travel anywhere now.

"Todd…" Rodney mutters angrily.

"If he planned this I'll kill him myself..." John turns darkly, "but why didn't they finish us off, they had us dead to rights."

Hell if Rodney knows. If Todd was telling the truth... and the Hive is still in the process of growing, maybe it maxed out its power reserves, maybe it needs more time to fully adapt to the ZPM.

But if they can't destroy it now, they stand no chance against it once its completed.

.

.

Back aboard the Daedalus, Rodney thinks he may have a clue. A dim subspace signal was detected just before the Hive jumped away.

He recognizes it as a Wraith code but there is an unusual residual radiation. He's only ever seen it once before… when they encountered that 'alternate' Daedalus. It could only have been sent from a parallel dimension.

As he examines the code more closely, Rodney explains to the others, "Some Wraith, somewhere, in another reality sent a coded signal. Only whatever means they used to access subspace created a rift, allowing the signal to cross into multiple realities, including our own."

"So what does it say?" Ronon asks.

"Just give me a second" Rodney pushes a technician aside, "Move."

After a few moments he groans, "Oh great."

"What is it?" John questions.

"It's a set of coordinates." Rodney stands up slowly.

Coordinates to what?" Caldwell demands.

"Earth."

 _'Of course the Wraith would go straight for the planet they've been seeking all this time, their rich new feeding ground in the Milky Way.'_

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Relieved that they've made it back to Atlantis, John credits Rodney's ingenuity they were able to get the ship's hyperdrive limping back within a matter of days, rather than weeks. Woolsey tells them there's no indication that any other Wraith ships are heading for the Milky Way. Fortunately Rodney was right about the signal being too short and weak for regular Wraith ships to detect.

But the Apollo and Sun Tzu were nearly destroyed trying to stop the Wraith Super-Hive from reaching Earth; now they are crippled and stranded as well with no way to offer reinforcements.

That means there's only one ship left with any hope of defending Earth. Atlantis. And to make it fly they're going to need more ZPM's

John goes to interrogate the Wraith and confront him about the unlikely coincidences of how things always go sideways on them whenever he's involved.

Todd leans forward, "Then you've come to make good on your threat?"

"The other ZPM's you talked to Woolsey about, tell us where to get them and maybe it'll improve your situation."

"Am I supposed to be enticed by this offer?" The Wraith stares back at him blankly.

Considering it, John tilts his head with admission, "No, I'll probably kill you anyway. But... Don't forget this Wraith betrayed you and got away with it. For no other reason you might want to do it out of pure spite."

"You..." Todd leans back in his chair, "know how to talk to me John Sheppard." He laughs with a deep ghastly bellow.

.

.

When Lorne and the others return with 2 more ZPM's, John is still suspicious, he tells them to have Rodney run tests on the things before plugging them into the system.

He's about to go the chair room to fire up the star drive when Woolsey stops him, "Actually, Colonel, you won't be flying the city for us. In fact, you won't be coming with us at all."

"What are you talking about?"

"You have a half an hour to pack and then you'll be gating back to Earth. Even with the ZPMs, there's a good chance we won't get there in time, and Earth's only other line of defense is the Ancient weapons platform. General O'Neill wants you in the chair."

Woolsey extends a hand, "Good luck."

"Yeah, you too." John reaches out numbly and shakes on it.

In his mind, he sees Rodney installing the ZPMs, running his tests... he'll be upset when he realizes John's left without saying goodbye. But then John's never been one for goodbyes.

It'll be weird going back to Antarctica; it's a place that reminds him too much of the past. Being back there, it'll be hard not to think about Rodney.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney is irritated when he hears that John left without bothering to say anything to him, but he supposes it can't really be helped in a state of emergency.

He readies the chair for flight and checks the status of the ZPMs.

As Carson takes the chair, the city begins to rumble as the Stardrive engages and lifts them into the sky.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

When John steps through the Wormhole to the Cheyanne Mountain base, Sam takes him to the command room.

"You got to be kidding me." he stares at the image of the Hive ship orbiting the moon, "It's not supposed to be here for weeks."

So far the thing hasn't made a move and Sam guesses that its completing its ZPM upgrades before launching a full-scale attack.

John suggests they outfit some F-302's with nukes and head up to take it out.

"John, that's not why I brought you here." Sam tells him.

"I could sit in the chair and wait for the Wraith to get stronger or I can take the fight to them. What do you wanna do?" He asks.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Curious about why Woolsey has requested to speak with he and Teyla, Ronon steps towards the desk as Woolsey explains, "I wanted the opportunity to offer you both one last chance to reconsider."

"Reconsider what?" Ronon furrows his brow.

"Your involvement in this mission. I'm told we're about to pass the outer edge of the Pegasus Galaxy. If you wish to be dropped off, now would be the time."

He and Teyla exchange a look, Ronon knows she feels the same way he does.

Teyla begins, "Mr. Woolsey-"

But Woolsey interjects, "We've all grown so accustomed to having you here as part of the team, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that your priorities are not necessarily always the same as ours. You're being asked to fly to another galaxy to take what might turn out to be the losing part in a battle that isn't yours."

"You mean like everyone else on this base has been doing for the last 5 years?" Ronon can't help but smile at the irony.

"Thank you for your consideration, Mr. Woolsey," Teyla speaks up, "but I assure you it isn't necessary."

Ronon catches Woolsey's eye with a playful nod, "We're not going anywhere."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Just as John is readying himself to pilot the newly outfitted F-302's for the attack run, Sam brings news of an incoming wave of Wraith Darts. They're headed for Area 51 since that was where the weapons chair was located in the alternate reality.

"Well, this should be easy." John gestures at her, "Well, evacuate the base, let them hit it. When they bring the Hive down, we'll take them out from Antarctica."

Sam shifts her gaze away and back to John; she looks like she's about to deliver some bad news.

"Right?" John asks uncertainly.

The bad news is that the chair was moved just less than a month ago. Something about international negotiations due to an Antarctic Non-Proliferation Treaty.

"Where?" John thinks he knows the answer already.

"Area 51." Sam answers uncomfortably.

 _'Okay. Maybe not so easy. Change of plans. Defend Area 51 at all costs.'_

.

.

John's squadron of F-302's try to defend the base, but there are too many of them. They're seriously outnumbered and John isn't sure how they're going to be able to keep them all from getting through.

"Sheppard, two Darts have disengaged." Sam's voice comes over the comm, "They're headed for the deck."

He orders Riggs to break away from the main firefight with him to protect the chair. But there are two Darts on their tail. John maneuvers away from a weapons lock, but they get Riggs. Swerving to evade the burst of fire and wreckage, one of his wings still takes a hit.

The internal alarm goes off as his fighter spins out of control, veering toward the ground. It's not too badly damaged… if he can just get out of this tailspin.

Gripping the joystick, he speaks out loud, "Come on, baby. Come on. Come on."

He almost has it, but he's falling too low… John struggles desperately with all his strength on the throttle. It's moving slowly back up, it's moving…

Finally, the craft pulls upright in the nick of time. Jesus that was close. John literally sees the sagebrush on the desert below.

As he noses the fighter back up, he sees a pillar of smoke rising from the eastern part of the compound. "Stargate Command, this is Sheppard. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

"It was a nice try, John." Sam answers, "There was just too many of them. The chair's been destroyed."

Undeterred, John pulls the fighter up nose first.

"Sheppard, what are you doing?" she asks.

"I got an idea."

"Sheppard your orders are to return to the base."

"I still got a nuke. I'm gonna finish this mission."

"You don't have enough fuel." She argues, "You'll never make it to the Hive."

"He got what he wanted, He's gonna come to us. I've got enough fuel to establish orbit, then I'll shut everything down, except for basic life support. That way he won't detect me till it's too late."

"Even if that _does_ work, given what we know about this ship, one nuke is not gonna be enough."

"No, not from the outside. I'll wait for him to enter orbit, I'll fire up my systems, shoot my way through the Dart bay door and fly the damn bomb right down his throat. Then, I'll detonate from the inside."

"John, I can't ask you to do that." Sam's voice is heavy with the understanding that he won't be coming back from this.

"Well, you're not asking." He reassures her, "I'm volunteering. Look, without that chair, Earth is basically defenseless, right?"

Sam hesitates to answer. He'll take that as a yes.

"Right. Commencing radio silence. Sheppard out."

John waits in his drifting fighter as the Hive approaches Earth orbit. This is going to be tricky. He has one-shot to power on the engines and make it to the Dart bay. Too soon and they will send Darts out to intercept him, too late and... Well, it will be too late for everyone.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Atlantis has dropped out of hyperspace too early, stuck on the outskirts of the Milky Way. Frustrated, Rodney dials the gate and opens a wormhole to Earth so Woolsey can apprise the SGC of their situation.

As they open a channel, there is no response; Rodney examines the readings from the other side, "Okay, this is weird. I'm picking up an energy signature feeding back through the wormhole. It's Wraith."

"The Wraith are at Stargate Command?" Woolsey looks pale.

"No," Rodney puzzles, "These readings are more like something you'd, you'd pick up in the middle of a Hive."

"But we dialed Earth." Woolsey argues.

Suddenly Rodney realizes what this means; the Hive ship must already have arrived on Earth, "The Wraith always try to block the gate of a planet they're attacking, usually by dialing in. They couldn't do that in this case, so they came up with another solution."

He and Zelenka explain to Woolsey that when two gates are in close proximity, one always supersedes the other.

"You're telling me that wormhole…" Woolsey gestures in disbelief.

"Leads directly onto the Hive." Rodney confirms.

Woolsey opts to send in a small strike team to sabotage key systems on the Hive, reasoning that a stealth attack might be most successful.

While Rodney and the others get ready, Zelenka brings an idea to him about how they might reach Earth after all. Actually, it's one of Rodney's old ideas, something he's been working on for a while. It requires enormous power requirements, but with all 3 ZPMs they might be able to apply his calculations for a 'wormhole drive'.

If it works, travel could be nearly instantaneous, allowing them to reach Earth in time. It's risky, he knows. The equations are very complex, one mistake and the city would be torn apart. But with Earth at stake, they have to try.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"All right," John talks to himself quietly, "I'd say it's time to get moving.

He fires up the engines on the F-302 and arches the small fighter up to meet the oncoming Hive ship.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

After taking out the Wraith guards with flash grenades, Ronon leads the team forward through the maze of the Hive. But they soon get pinned down in a firefight. Everyone focuses their firepower trying to clear the hall, but they can't seem to get a good shot.

"Is there another way around?" Ronon yells to Rodney.

"I think so." He shouts back.

Teyla covers their retreat as they backtrack.

In the next chamber a Wraith surprises Ronon from behind a column and attacks him... he can see another one has disarmed Rodney already.

Where the hell is Lorne? He must have run into more Wraith back there.

As Ronon fights off his attacker he hears McKay scream. He's got to take this Wraith down fast or Rodney is dead. Swinging his sword, he knocks the creature back. And as it doubles over, Ronon lunges for the one about to feed on Rodney.

He pulls his blade up to the throat of the Wraith. It struggles against him, but Ronon knows he has him now. He slices through the soft neck and throws the creature to the ground.

Just as he releases the dead Wraith, Ronon feels the sharp pang of a blade bury itself deep into his chest. Yelling in pain, he falls to the ground. He has a feeling he isn't going to be making it back up this time.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

The approaching Hive is right on top of John now.

He fires a missile into the side of one of the Dart bays and pilots his craft just behind its trajectory. A hole opens just big enough for him to make it in. He flies around the twisty passages that lead to the main chamber.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney stares at Ronon, frozen in horror.

He's dimly aware of the sound of gunfire. It's Teyla, she's taking out the Wraith that stabbed Ronon.

"Ronon!" Rodney runs over to him, there is blood on Ronon's lips and he's struggling to breathe. _'Oh shit-oh shit-Ronon don't die.'_

"They hit his lung." He yells to Teyla, "He's bleeding out!"

"Ronon!" Teyla's eyes go wide with sorrow.

"Just go!" The blood sputters out of Ronon's mouth as he speaks.

"No!" Teyla clutches at his chest, "We are not leaving without you!"

As Ronon spasms and gasps, Rodney holds onto him, trying to keep him here with them. His heart is breaking watching his friend suffer. But he knows Ronon isn't coming back from this.

Then Ronon's body goes still, he stops breathing and his eyes go vacant, staring at nothing.

He is gone.

Oh, God. Ronon died saving his life. Why did he have to do that?

He can't accept this. Ronon's saved his life too many times, Rodney owes him, he has to save him back.

"Ronon! Ronon!" Teyla is screaming.

Rodney lifts his hands up and looks at them, they are covered in blood. His fault. His fault Ronon is dead. And now it's too late to save him...

Teyla and Lorne are firing again as more Wraith attempt to close in on them.

"Come on," Lorne runs over to them, "we gotta get out of here now."

Rodney can't stop staring at Ronon, thinking there is a way this could have gone differently, if Rodney had only been able to take out that Wraith himself. Then Ronon wouldn't have turned and-

"Let's go!-Let's go! Come on!-Come on!-Come on! Let's go!" Lorne's voice finally cuts through Rodney's haze and he lets Lorne pull him away from his lost friend.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"Stargate Command, this is Sheppard. Come in."

"Sheppard, where are you?" He hears Sam's voice.

"I made it inside. Look, I don't have much time before this place is swarming with Wraith. So, I'm arming the nuke. Just do me a favor, when Atlantis shows up," John struggles with the words, "tell them I said goodbye." _'It's not so bad if he doesn't have to do it himself.'_

In his mind he sees Rodney's face. At least he can die knowing Rodney will be safe and happy with Jennifer-

"-Sheppard, this is McKay" Look, stop what you're doing now!"

"McKay?" _'How can he be hearing Rodney's voice?'_

"Yes it's me. I've got Lorne and I've got Teyla. We're on board the Hive."

"What?! …How?"

"Look, it's a long story. Just, the important thing is, if you're about to do what I think you're gonna do, don't."

"This Hive is about to attack Earth, Rodney. I don't have much of a choice."

"Look, just wait, We'll come to you" Rodney tells him. "I'm sure I can rig up some kind of a remote detonator."

"What good is that gonna do for us? We can't get off this ship, Rodney."

"That's where you're wrong." There is a hint of smugness to Rodney's tone.

Unsure if this is real or a some Wraith illusion to trick him, John takes the detonator and leaves the F-302 behind. He ventures out and ducks behind a column when he hears movement. Things go quiet and John makes a move, slinking out from behind the pillar with his gun ready.

He blinks in shock seeing Rodney, Teyla, and Lorne with their guns at attention. "You guys are the last people I expected to see on this ship."

"Same here." Rodney looks up at him with sorrow; then averts is gaze and runs over to the F-302, "Give me a minute."

 _'What had that been in Rodney's eyes?'_

"Where's Ronon?" John asks Teyla.

Teyla's eyes go wide and she glances at Lorne; but he merely turns his back.

With growing alarm, John asks again, "Teyla, where's Ronon?"

She shakes her head sadly, "I'm sorry, John."

His chest goes hollow and he can't hide his emotion. He stares at her feeling small and hurt, the way he felt as a boy when he lost his mother. Ronon is his anchor, his best friend. No, he can't be gone.

His heart is beating too fast and his head is muddled with grief, John can't make sense of it. This can't be happening.

.  
.


	85. Gone

.  
.

Gasping in a sudden surge, air fills Ronon's lungs.

The damage from the blade that impaled him... he can still feel it... but he's breathing again.

The face of a Wraith kneels over him, a feeding hand on his chest, "I restored your life human, and bound your wound."

"Mmm" Ronon grunts, eyeing the room for possible escape, but even if he wasn't surrounded, he doesn't have the strength to fight, "That was real nice of you."

"Now you will answer my questions." The Wraith demands, "How many humans are on my ship?"

Ready to die again, Ronon remains silent.

But instead of feeding on him and sucking the life away, the creature hefts the weight of his heel into Ronon's chest wound. He can't help but scream out in agony

Defiantly he stares up at the creature with pure hatred, willing it to finish him off.

"Where are they!?" The thing snarls.

 _'Good, it doesn't know. At least the others got away.'_

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John hears a scream. He knows that voice… _'Ronon's alive!... nearby... it has to be him.'_

He and the others race toward the direction of the sounds.

Ambushing the chamber from behind, they shoot down the Wraith that are torturing Ronon.

His heart surges with relief and concern at the amount of blood on the floor, "How you doing, Chewie?" Reaching down, John grabs his friends hand and pulls Ronon up to see if he can walk.

"You were dead!" Rodney exclaims.

Ronon groans as he and Teyla help him get upright and on his feet.

"We're all going to be dead unless we get out of here." John glances around the chamber urgently.

Rodney moves to help Ronon, looking at him intensely as they make their exit, "Ronon, I..." he stumbles a bit as they retreat from the room, "What you did back there, I'd be the one who was -I mean I'm-"

"Forget it" Ronon grimaces in pain, "Just keep up so I don't have to save you again."

"Right." Rodney sounds emotional.

Okay everyone's alive... but they might not be for much longer; John directs them, "Look, we need to-"

Cutting him off, Sam calls over the radio, "Sheppard, what's your status?"

With his gun trained ahead, John keeps them going at a fast pace, "We got Ronon. We're headed to the gate."

"How much time?" She asks.

Rodney answers with his words running together, "5 minutes to get there-5 minutes to recalibrate the DHD for local coordinates."

"10 minutes." John simplifies.

"I'm sorry." Sam's voice sounds heavy, "The Hive is powering weapons. We're out of time."

John stops in his tracks. So he can't save them. He wishes to hell the rest of them hadn't come out here. This was _his_ mission, his fate to face alone.

"Understood." he whispers hoarsely.

Rodney has that expression on his face, like he's trying to find a workaround; John lowers his head unable to look at him, "Give me the detonator." he mumbles.

"We're almost there…" Rodney points down the hall in bewilderment, "I mean -look-did I say 5 minutes to recalibrate the DHD? I – I meant 2 minutes"

 _"_ Rodney _."_ John can barely hear himself say it. But Rodney always knows what he means, he can tell what he's feeling by the intonation. _'I'm sorry, I'd change this for all of us if I could.'_

Anxiously flitting his eyes about the room, John can tell Rodney is still thinking he just needs a moment to find a different solution. But John knows there isn't one; there just isn't any more time.

Without meeting his gaze, John reaches out his hand for the detonator.

Giving a sigh of despair, Rodney hunches his shoulders and activates the device before handing it to John.

John turns his face away, he still can't look at him. At any of them. He wishes to God he was here alone; he was good and ready to die before they showed up.

It's what has to be done to save Earth, but knowing he has to sacrifice their lives too, everyone he cares most for... Dammit. He has no choice.

Okay then, this is it.

John reaches his thumb over the button. It'll be over fast, they won't feel a thing.

"John, wait." Sam's voice cuts in, "We're detecting another ship in orbit."

Ronon looks up at John with a questioning frown from where he is slumped against Lorne on the floor

"I don't know" John softly answers the unspoken question.

"Listen," Rodney whispers privately to him, "if we're about to..." His voice wavers quietly, "if this is it... I mean-"

 _'Yeah.'_ John doesn't know what last words Rodney has for him, but he wishes there was enough time to say more himself. To say everything he's ever wanted to.

The Hive shakes and they all lift their heads at the explosions coming from several levels above.

"It's Atlantis!" Sam announces with excitement, "They're engaging the Hive."

"That may give us enough time to get to the gate." John isn't sure but he'll die trying to get them the hell off this ship.

He hands the detonator back to Rodney as they run toward the gate.

Tensing as the door opens, John doesn't see any Wraith and moves to sweep the chamber, "Get to work, Rodney."

"I'm on it."

If anyone can do this in time, Rodney can. And John really, really needs Rodney and the others to make it out of here safely.

Suddenly Lorne yells down one of the many passages converging into the room, "We got company!"

Providing cover fire, John and the rest of the team do their best to keep the Wraith out and protect Rodney while he configures the DHD.

The Hive is still being rocked by small explosions but it sounds like its shields are holding.

Angrily firing into the onslaught of Wraith soldiers, John knows there are too many of them to fight off much longer. And it won't be long before he's out of ammo.

"How's it coming, Rodney?" He screams back towards the gate.

"I got it! Dialing the Alpha Site now."

As the event horizon washes open, John shouts to the others, "All right, let's move!" he stays behind and keeps firing to give them a clear exit.

The others all disappear through the gate and it's just the two of them now. Rodney hands him the detonator.

Rushing to the dialing device, John sets the remote activating sequence, then spins around shooting again at their attackers.

"Rodney go!"

"But you-"

"I'm right behind you." John keeps firing until Rodney has made it safely through.

Okay, he set the thing for 15 seconds. So he's got about 5 to make a run for it.

He sprays another round of ammo for good measure, then steps into the wormhole.

Coming through the other side to the Alpha site, John smiles at Rodney, "Let's see if we can connect to the SGC now."

"Right." Rodney grins back, "Think you could have cut it any closer with your exit back there?"

John gives him one of his looks especially reserved for Rodney, the feigned ambivalence that doesn't really disguise the affection he's feeling right now, "I had at least 2 seconds left." he lifts his shoulders in a dismissive shrug.

"Okay, good" Rodney makes a face, "Obviously you had plenty of time."

"As long as we managed to take the Hive out," John nods to the dialing device, "Let's see if we can reestablish a connection to Earth." _'If the SGC is still there.'_

"We can't."

"Rodney." Translation: _'What else is wrong here?'_

"No-no-no, It probably worked, but if Atlantis is out there, it's gate will override the one at the SGC."

"Then dial Atlantis." John drawls sarcastically.

"Yeah, yeah, I don't know if that will work either, if they're still out there. I mean, it's not like they really had a chance against that Super-Hive, for all we know it'll take us right back to the Wraith-"

"Rodney." Translation: _'Stop being so damned negative and get us back home.'_

"I guess one way or another we'll find out." Rodney grumbles.

"Stay positive." John uses his mildly condescending coach voice and pats him on the back.

Rodney simply glares in response.

Kneeling down next to Lorne and Teyla, John grasps Ronon's shoulder, "You doing' okay?"

Ronon wheezes a bit but nods up at him stoically, "Fine."

Teyla shakes her head, "He will need medical attention soon."

The Stargate opens and John sends his IDC code through. Chewing his lip, he frowns at Ronon. He's not going to make if they can't get him help soon-

A signal comes back. It's Atlantis and they get a go ahead to come through. But there's a lot of static and interference over the com. Something about damage to the ship causing uncontrolled entry into Earth's atmosphere.

Judging by Ronon's condition, they don't have a choice, they've got to stop the bleeding. John makes the call and tells them to have a medical team ready.

As they step through, John sees Jennifer arriving with her staff and a gurney. He helps lift Ronon up and steps back as they begin triage.

Atlantis rumbles and groans.

"What's happening?" Teal asks.

"Oh that?" Rodney grimaces up at the control center, "Probably just the ship coming apart as we careen down to the planet's surface."

"Leas-this means we killed the Wraith." Ronon slurs with his eyes half closed.

"You did good." Jennifer grasps his hand, "We're going to get you fixed up now."

"'fore we crash?" Ronon lifts a skeptical brow at her.

"The fight took a bit of a toll, so we fell into a low orbit, but Carson's flying and," Jennifer smiles with forced optimism, "well, Carson's going to land, um, we hope... somewhere over an ocean."

"Great." Rodney groans, "We're definitely gonna die."

John pats Rodney on the back, "Stay positive."

.

.

Only the sheer luck of their trajectory ends up giving them a water landing. A hair further and they would have ended up smashing into San Francisco instead of the bay.

Knitting his brows, John thinks back to something Sam said, when she radioed to congratulate him.

What was it? _"Atlantis is home now."_

With the chair at Area 51 gone, he supposes there isn't much of a chance that the military will let go of the weapons chair on Atlantis... It's just become Earth's new primary defense.

Not that John will be around to usher in whatever new era the SGC has planned. This feels like the natural ending he's been waiting for, the right time to let go. Ronon's almost recovered from surgery and everyone seems as settled in as they're going to be.

He won't have to worry about them too much, the Milky Way is pretty safe these days. SG-1 teams back home have taken out most of the major alien threats. He'd probably get bored not facing certain death at every turn.. dealing with all the politics...

Yeah, that sounds like a plausible excuse. Not that he's planning on offering any. He can't. He just can't handle saying goodbye to Rodney.

Sighing and stepping into the infirmary, John isn't able to muster up his usual nonchalance.

"Hey, buddy." His voice is soft as he approaches Ronon's bed.

"Hey."

"I was, uh…" John puts his hands on the foot of the bed and leans over.

Sighing again, he looks up at Ronon with affection, "I thought I lost you there…"

Almost losing Ronon like that... Almost losing them all... He's had enough friends die and feel to blame. Mentally John tries to tell himself that they'll all be better off without him; but he knows it's himself he's trying to protect this time. This thing with Rodney, he just can't do it anymore.

"Yeah well, I'm alive, now." Ronon jokes.

But John feels to heavy to kid around the way they normally do.

Ronon seems to understand and looks at John pensively, "You're leaving."

Pressing his lips together, John stays silent. He hopes Ronon knows how much he cares, how it nearly destroyed him in those moments when he thought he was gone.

When he finds his voice it is hoarse and constricted, "I'm really going to miss you, you know?"

"I'm still going to see you though, right?" Ronon's eyes squint with a mixture of warmth and concern.

"Yeah, sure." John nods, "When, uh, once I figure out where I'm going. I'll visit lots. Promise."

Ronon gives a nod of sad resignation.

"Well…" John changes the subject, "Well, how you feeling?"

"I'm ready to get out of here." Ronon groans.

"Take your time." John speaks gently, "The city's pretty banged up. Even with the ZPM's we're not going anywhere for a while."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Ronon raises his brows. _'WE'RE not going anywhere for a while?'_

He wonders if John is trying to reassure him by talking like he'll actually be around to see the repairs through. Ronon can tell by the look on John's face, he plans to leave soon. He knows that look, having spent so many years on the run himself.

Leveling his eyes at John, Ronon doesn't like the feeling that he won't have him watching his back anymore. John's always been the one he can trust. Not Woolsey or any of those other guys in charge.

"And when they fix it?" he asks, "You really think they're going to let us take it back to Pegasus?" Ronon's gut tells him that it might be a while before he sees his own galaxy again.

John pauses looking guilty, "I'll make sure you get home."

Ronon knows that's a promise John can't really keep once he's resigned. But he doesn't plan on letting John disappear from his life. Should be easy enough to find the guy, since without military access he'll be stuck on this world without a Stargate to use. And if John, Teyla, and the others are all stuck on this planet with him... well, Ronon supposes they're the closest thing he has to family by now.

"This _is_ my home." Ronon assures him.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John feels an ache in his chest. Atlantis was the closest thing to a home he's ever known. Leaving it behind will be hard. Especially Ronon, who's been more of a brother to him than-

"Am I interrupting?" A pretty girl walks in; It's Amelia, the one Ronon has been telling him about.

"Um…" John begins, he looks to Ronon and sees his eyes are bright with excitement.

He'd wanted to say more but it will have to wait, "No, uh, I was just leaving."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Ronon lets Amelia lead him on his first walk since the surgery. She's insistent that she's taking him to see something amazing.

They make their way out onto a balcony where a bunch of the others are staring at a large red bridge against muted browns of a coastline.

Huh. He doesn't see any settlements and wonders why they are all so excited.

"Ronon, welcome to Earth." Woolsey greets him.

"No one can see us, right?" Jennifer asks Woolsey nervously.

"We managed to activate the cloak before we came in too close." Woolsey answers, "This entire area is under naval quarantine."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Looking for Woolsey, John finds him out on the balcony with most of the senior staff, "Oh! So this is where everyone went, huh?"

He'd hoped to have a private conversation, but for now he'll try to join in and act like it's any other day. Amelia is standing next to Ronon and John takes the empty spot on his other side against the railing.

Teyla smiles at him on his right and he feels like the two of them are a welcome barrier from Rodney. Rodney is standing just on the other side of Teyla, nestled up against Jennifer.

"You okay?" Jennifer bobs into Rodney.

"I'm alive." Rodney answers pragmatically.

Jennifer laughs and Rodney must realize how unromantic he's being because he changes his tone, "And I've got you." He looks at her softly.

John watches from the corner of his eye as Rodney puts his arm around Jennifer and pulls her close, "What else would I need?"

His stomach lurches as he sees Jennifer rest her head on Rodney's shoulder. He averts his eyes and looks straight ahead, "Nice view."

Woolsey agrees. Carson looks especially happy. Amelia leans lazily over the balcony next to Ronon. They all seem like they are going to be just fine without him.

Just then Ronon's arm brushes against his, like he is letting John know he's here for him. But letting go of Rodney is more than he can bear. John's jaw clenches. He stands frozen in place as long as he can, then excuses himself.

As he walks back toward the control room, he looks back once over his shoulder. Rodney is happy now with Jennifer, he has what he always wanted. John's stomach clenches in grief.

He'd say goodbye if he knew how; John's lip trembles as he whispers to himself, "So long, Rodney."

Turning away, he asks one of the technicians to alert him when Woolsey returns to his office, then heads to his room.

Once back in his quarters, he pulls out his letter of resignation and reads it again. He's reread it a hundred times. It's perfectly worded, no mistakes. John sets it back on the desk and begins packing what few belongings he has.

There isn't a lot to do. He rolls up his Johnny Cash poster with care. This one he'll probably carry, to keep from wrinkling.

"Colonel Sheppard. Mr. Woolsey is back in his office." A voice tells him over the com. John takes the letter and heads to the transporter.

He finds Woolsey smiling, "Hello, Colonel. What can I do for you?"

"Do you mind if we speak privately?" John turns his head to the door.

"Of course" Woolsey closes the panels and looks at him expectantly.

John frowns and pushes his lips together. He doesn't know where to start.

Woolsey is looking at the paper in John's hand, so he begins, "I've had this for a while now, and… It just seems like the right time."

He hands the letter to Woolsey and stares at the ground rather than watch his reaction.

"This is…" Woolsey sounds shocked, "Isn't this something you should be giving to your military commander?"

"Yeah, I've got one for him too."

"This is a very... big decision." Woolsey blinks and sounds stern, "You've got over 20 years in the military. I can't believe that you would just... just..."

John says nothing.

"You've been an outstanding commander here." Woolsey continues, "Frankly, I don't know what we would have done without you. And I'm very hesitant to let you go."

Again, John says nothing.

"You've really got your mind made up?"

John nods.

"Does anyone else know about this yet?" Woolsey questions.

"Only Ronon." John shakes his head.

"I'd like to ask a favor." Woolsey looks like he's making a calculation.

John raises his eyebrows.

"Before you make this official…" Woolsey continues, "Can you just give it some time? You have some extended leave that you haven't taken. At the very least, you will get a paid vacation."

"I'm not going to change my mind."

"Well then, you have nothing to lose but a little paid leave." Woolsey shrugs.

"I just want to be done." John sighs, "I don't want any loose ends."

"Look, I'll… I'll keep this in my desk for a few weeks, and then, when you're leave is up, I'll make it official, okay? I'll tell the Air Force that I asked you to take the leave… that I asked you to let me submit the resignation."

"I'll still have to do that myself." John squints.

"Will you at least give me a few weeks?" Woolsey looks tired, "Will you do that much for me?"

He supposes he can wait a few weeks before offering his official resignation in person to the SGC. As long as he doesn't have to come back to Atlantis.

"Okay." John closes his eyes, "Can I go now?"

"Can I stop you?" Woolsey sounds bitter.

John shakes his head and walks away.

He is done packing before dinner. All he has left to do is give Ronon the cards he has written for Rodney and Teyla.

He can't quite bring himself to say 'goodbye' as he talks to Ronon. But on his way out of Ronon's room he pauses and turns back, telling him, "You haven't seen the last of me."

Ronon just frowns at him.

John's shoulders droop, "I mean... to me you're like... a brother, I mean, more than my actual brother."

"I've met your brother," Ronon smirks, "that's not saying much."

"But, I am saying…" John fumbles, "trying to say… I mean-"

A fierce bear hug from Ronon cuts him off so he can barely breathe.

"I know." Ronon answers in a gravelly voice.

John squeezes him back in his own fierce way, trying not to think about how much he'll miss him.

Clasping John by the shoulders, Ronon stands back and wishes him luck.

"Thanks buddy." John gives Ronon a final pat on the shoulder.

He leaves to grab a duffel bag, a box, and a poster from his room.

And then he is gone.

.  
.


	86. He promised he would never leave me

.  
.

Over dinner, Rodney wonders, "Where do you think John is, questioning Todd?"

Ronon shrugs and says nothing. This is too public a place to give Rodney his letter and John wanted to wait until it went through official channels before any others found out.

The following day, he makes plans to spend some time alone with Teyla and give her the card. He knows she'll be upset, but it won't be as hard as telling Rodney.

She opens it and reads it in front of him.

"I cannot believe he would leave us without saying goodbye," Teyla looks up at him with hurt. "I am... deeply saddened."

Ronon comforts her and explains what little he can before going to find McKay.

Stopping by the lab, he asks Rodney if they can talk alone.

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* * *

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Rodney screws his face up in confusion. This is probably the first time Ronon's ever sought him out to 'talk' about something.

Usually John is the only one who comes by the lab to drag him off somewhere. For that matter, Rodney wonders why he hasn't seen John at all today.

Following Ronon out to a balcony, Rodney notices he has a strange look on his face, like he's afraid to tell Rodney something.

"What!?" Rodney's eyes dart from side to side.

"This is still private…" Ronon looks like his shoulders are hanging a bit, "for now. But you should know, uh, John's gone."

"What do you mean, John's gone", Rodney snaps impatiently.

"Ah," Ronon shuffles. "he left."

"Okay." Rodney rolls his eyes, "And when's he coming back?"

Ronon slowly drags his head into a shake.

"Well, wait, I don't get…" Rodney is flustered, "What are we talking about?"

Reaching into his heavy jacket, Ronon pulls something out.

He offers Rodney a card and tells him, "He wanted me to give this to you."

Rodney's eyes grow wide and he rips the envelope from Ronon's hand, tearing it apart. He reads the short letter in growing horror. The brevity of the message makes it even worse.

 _Hey Buddy,_

 _Sorry I asked Ronon to give you this, but you know me, I can't deal with goodbyes._  
 _I promise, when I find my bearings again, I'll come up for air and check in with you -whatever galaxy you happen to be in._  
 _I wish I'd been able to talk to you and explain but I'm going through something personal that I just need to work out on my own. But it makes it easier for me knowing you are happy. I know great things are going to happen for you._

 _Miss you already,_  
 _-John._

Stricken, he stares at the words. "What-What… What is this supposed to mean?"

But Ronon is just gently shaking his head and offering no answers.

Feeling frantic now, Rodney pushes his hands uselessly against Ronon's large frame, "What the hell is this supposed to mean? You know, you fucking know, I know he told you."

Looking guilty, Ronon pulls his head back into himself.

"He _promised_ …" Rodney stops attacking Ronon and looks up at him in misery, "He promised he would never leave me."

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* * *

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Ronon frowns and studies Rodney's face. He wonders if Rodney even realizes that's not exactly the kind of promise you make to friend.

"Did something happen?" Rodney pleads.

"I think he was planning to resign for a while, you know, he was just waiting for the right time." Ronon's tone comes out more gentle than he feels like being right now.

"For a while?" Rodney's voice is choked, "What's a while?"

"Dunno," Ronon shrugs, "at least a few months."

"You've known for months!" Rodney sounds shattered, "You've known all this time? Why didn't he tell _me_?"

Arching an eyebrow, Ronon looks reflectively at Rodney; his wide eyes, seem on the verge of tears.

Not for the first time, Ronon wonders, just what exactly Rodney feels for John. It seems to be more than, well, more than friendship… maybe.

"I think," He speaks slowly, "you know as much as I do."

"Does he…" Rodney crumples the paper in distress, "I don't know what this means."

For a guy who claims to be a genius, Ronon can't believe how stupid Rodney can be, "So now you need everything spelled out for you?" Ronon's voice betrays his frustration.

"Yes!" Rodney flails his arms.

"All I'm saying is…" Ronon shakes his head, "if you guys are so close, than you'd probably know better than anyone." _'Shit. He's already said way more than John would want him to.'_

"What do you know about…" Rodney's eyes get even wider, "I mean... did he tell you… "

"What's there to tell?" He gazes at Rodney with heavy lids and shrugs.

"But I… How can I…" Rodney's lip is quivering, he's shaking like a leaf, "No... I can't… He can't go."

Ronon turns to leave but then Rodney slumps into a pathetic shape on the ground. Dammit, John wouldn't want him to leave McKay like this.

"Hey." He sighs and squats next to Rodney, "Don't go falling apart now." He gives him a few obligatory pats on the back, "It's all good. You're happy, remember?" _'_

Even if he and John are miserable about how things ended up with Jennifer, at least Rodney's fucking happy.

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* * *

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Something about the word 'happy' makes Rodney pause. John said the same thing in his letter.

A few stray tears fall from his eyes. Normally Rodney would be embarrassed for Ronon to see him like this, but he can't help it, his world really is falling apart.

" _Happy_." He looks at Ronon suspiciously, repeating the word.

"Yep." Ronon sighs, "Things are going good for you… so, just, stay happy."

"What does any of this have to do with me being happy?" Rodney narrows his eyes at Ronon.

"Never said it did." Ronon sticks his lower lip out ambivalently.

 _'What if this is all his fault somehow?'_ Rodney will probably never know. Unless… unless, he can find John. Force him to talk somehow.

"Okay." Rodney pushes himself up suddenly.

"Okay?" Ronon looks puzzled.

Rodney has a plan now and he knows what he needs to do, "Yeah, thanks." he mutters and runs back to his quarters to get his things in order.

After he has finished drafting a letter of resignation, Rodney starts to try to make some order out of the jumble of his room. Then he remembers Jennifer.

He looks at the time. Her shift is almost over. God, he wishes he could just write a short letter like the one John gave him but this is something that has to be done face to face.

In utter dread he walks to the infirmary. Jennifer spies him as he approaches and gives a dazzling smile.

Oh God, this is going to be hard. She notices something is wrong and walks over to him in concern asking if he's okay.

"Yes-I mean no. Can we... can we talk away from here?" Rodney asks.

"Of course," She furrows her brows in worry and strokes his arm, "what's wrong?"

Rodney leads her to a bench outside and takes her hands.

She gives him a tender smile, "Rodney, have you been crying?"

Wincing sadly, he sighs, "Something happened today… that… it, uh, made me…"

"Oh no! What happened?" Jennifer whispers.

"You… are so, so, wonderful." Rodney lowers his head at the thought of hurting her. "I thought I could forget... I thought I could make myself forget about things…"

Anxious and fearful, he forces himself to say it, "I realized today that… I can't let it go. Because, uh, there's someone that I've loved for some time now. And-and, well, my heart isn't as free as I'd like it to be."

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* * *

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Jennifer is stunned. Was this what Rodney was talking about in the infirmary when he was sick and delirious?

She'd thought he was speaking to her. But maybe Rodney hadn't been aware enough to know who he was talking to.

He'd used that exact phrase. _'for some time now'_.

"How long is... 'some time now'?" she asks coldly.

"Too long... uh, for like," Rodney looks down in shame, "the past 5 years."

She wonders, "Is this why we never…"

"Uh..." Rodney's shoulders slump forward, "I don't know… probably."

"Oh my God. I feel so stupid." Jennifer tries not to burst into tears, "I thought you loved _me_."

"I almost, kind of did," Rodney pleads, "you're so amazing and great and better than I deserve... I, I just lost my heart to someone else a long time ago."

"And _today_ you realized that?" She keeps her tone empty to hide her emotions.

"I-I…" Rodney frowns in confusion, "Well, I knew before, I just tried to forget. But, yeah, today I couldn't anymore."

"So then something happened between you and this person today?" Jennifer feels sick imagining Rodney with someone else.

"No," Rodney shakes his head dully, "No, nothing like that's happened between us for years."

Now she is confused, "So what then, you've just been pining for her all this time?"

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* * *

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Rodney sees the pain he is causing Jennifer and knows they can never come back from this.

He's just thrown away his best shot at happiness to go chase after a guy that doesn't even want him.

Other than feeling absolutely horrible for putting Jennifer through this, he doesn't care that he's just resigned himself to a life without love. In a way, he feels more right than he has in a long time.

"I've tried not to, but..." Rodney falters, "I know I'm an idiot because now I've lost the best thing I'll ever have… I mean, you, with you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And it's so stupid because whatever I thought I had in the past is long gone, but I just have to be honest with myself, if I don't even try... God, I'm so, so sorry."

"I think you should go now." Jennifer tersely stands up and looks away, "I don't want to hear any more about why you don't love me."

Nodding sadly, he retreats back to his room to pack. But when he gets to his quarters, Rodney realizes he has way too much stuff to organize.

He needs to go now and travel light if he's going to catch up with John. Wherever he ends up, he'll have to have his stuff sent to him later.

Since hacking into the system, Rodney's been tracking John's movements using his subcutaneous transmitter. Right now John's in Southern California, maybe heading towards the SGC in Colorado... maybe headed East to see his brother...

He's moving too slow to be on a plane, John seems to be driving and stopping along the way.

If Rodney takes a flight, he might catch up with him.

 _'And then what? Grab him, shake him, try to make him love me the way I love him?'_

Sounds like the best plan he's had in a while.

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	87. The truth is I'm in love with you

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When Rodney hands in his letter of resignation, Woolsey isn't pleased to have two of his senior people resign days apart. He tells Rodney he'll make him the same offer he gave John -an extended leave to give him time to recover from the stresses of the last year and reconsider.

Bobbing his head appreciatively, Rodney thanks him for the flexibility and promises to let Woolsey know as soon as he has things figured out.

Taking the first flight from SFO to Vegas, he heads West in a rental car to try to cut John off. He was planning to stay on 15 and catch John in Barstow, but he's moving faster that Rodney expected, veering north onto 127 and into the Death Valley area. Rodney redirects his course towards Pahrump.

If he's fast enough, there is still a chance to cut John off.

Reaching the border between the two states. He veers South onto 127, where John seems to be stopped in the middle of nowhere.

There are a few abandoned houses along the highway, a general store and a motel. It isn't really big enough to be a town but Rodney spots a red vintage car parked at the motel that he somehow knows must be John's.

His heart skips a beat as he pulls in.

He rents a room and then walks breathlessly to the door that the red car is parked in front of. Rodney's pulse quickens. He has no idea what he's going to say but his knock is insistent.

There is a rustling inside. The door opens.

 _'John.'_

Rodney is awash with relief but John just stands there stiffly looking tense and stunned.

"…Rodney." John blinks like he can't believe that he is here.

"I told you I could find anybody when I wanted to…" Rodney tries to sound cheerful.

"Guess so." John frowns, staring at Rodney as if he's seeing a ghost, "I'm sorry," he says wearily, you know, that I had to leave like that…"

"You don't like goodbyes?" Rodney narrows his eyes.

"Yeah..." John shrugs guiltily.

"Well, I didn't come to _say_ goodbye." Rodney steps into the door frame, letting John know he expects him to step aside.

As John lets him pass into the room, Rodney continues, "I came to tell you that you're stuck with me… just accept it".

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* * *

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John quietly shuts the door and turns around, realizing he's having his own words thrown back at him. Rodney looks pleased with himself grinning nervously and sitting on the side of the bed.

He wasn't prepared for this emotionally. Just the sight of Rodney makes him shaky. He should have realized he wasn't going to get off this easily. He feels guilty for even trying to.

"So... what are you running away from this time?" Rodney lifts his arm beckoning John to sit with him.

Closing his eyes, John doesn't even bother to argue, he just shakes his head and rasps, "I had to go, Rodney."

"John." Rodney's voice cracks.

Opening his eyes, John follows Rodney's gaze to the bed. His body seems to follow of it's own accord, sitting next to Rodney. Being so close to him right now makes John's skin feel like its on fire.

"Does this have something to do with me?" Rodney is still staring at him with questions in his eyes, "Did I do something wrong?"

"-No!" John answers quickly, "You didn't… Look, everything is as it should be now. That's all."

"You once promised you'd never leave me…" Rodney sounds so hurt.

A sharp pang seizes in John's chest as he sees the pain in Rodney's eyes. It's fucking killing him to be the cause of it. But he just can't bear watching him with Jennifer anymore, there's no other way forward but to let go.

"Rodney, I'm sorry. You..." John lets out a staggered sigh, "You just, once asked me to do something for you. And that's what I'm trying to do."

"What?" Rodney's eyes go wide, "What did I ask you to do? I never asked you to leave."

"You wouldn't remember." John's emotion surges and he impulsively reaches to touch Rodney's hand, "It was a different timeline, but you trusted me to…"

Rodney's face pleads for more answers.

"I met you in the future." John begins again, "You'd spent your life working on-"

"Right -right," Rodney interrupts "a way to bring you back."

"No, not me." John shakes his head, "You don't understand… You left Pegasus with Jennifer, and the two of you built a life together. You were happy. But then you lost her…"

John pulls his hand back and stares at the floor, "You vowed to spend the rest of your life working on a way to bring her back. And that's what you did. Even though you spent 25 years alone and unhappy. Nothing could stop you."

He looks back up to Rodney, "25 years of your life you spent working on a plan to bring her back and you entrusted me with that mission."

"But I," Rodney interjects, "it was to bring _you_ back and save Teyla and-"

"Rodney." John stops him with a look.

"But, but you were going to kiss me before you left… You said..." Rodney is plaintive, "I'm not crazy, I didn't imagine that."

"Look," John tries to keep his voice steady, "I told you there were no guarantees that you two would end up together again. But I, ah, I could see when I got back, that it was just a matter of time before you and she… would be."

"But you wanted me before you left on that mission. Tell me the truth, tell me I'm not crazy."

"I wanted to respect your wishes so I kept my distance-" John's jaw clenches, "You deserve to be happy."

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* * *

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Rodney reaches for John's hand and grips it with urgency. "You... kept your distance? But you wanted something more?"

Without waiting for John to answer Rodney confesses his feelings in a rushed jumble, "Because _I_ wanted more- I only started seeing her to try to get over my feelings... Look, no matter what timeline, she could only be a very, very distant second to you.

Before he loses what's left of his courage, Rodney presses forward, "I couldn't let you go without trying to tell you that, even if you... even it means..."

Rodney takes a winded breath, "And, and, uh, I know you told me never to go there again with you but now that your gone I have nothing left to lose at this point. Look, I resigned my position, I broke up with Jennifer and, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing right now. Just, just, you're the one I want, the one I've always wanted.

"You did what?" John's expression is shell shocked, "You're weren't supposed to do that… You're supposed to stay with Jennifer and be happy."

"Well, that's not going to happen now." He gives John a frustrated look, "So let go of that… mission, or whatever you thought it was."

John looks so vulnerable right now Rodney wants to take him in his arms, but he knows from past experience that it's a bad idea jump to the gun and make the first move. He can't risk John running away again.

Looking at John hopefully, he asks "You were going to tell me something when you got back from that mission… You never did. Please tell me now?"

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* * *

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John feels Rodney's hand in his and squeezes it for courage. He doesn't know why he's so afraid; God, he wants Rodney so much and Rodney just said he wants him too.

But John can't understand how Rodney could possibly care for him. Not after all the mistakes he's made. Rodney might be willing to give him a chance but he's never going to love him the same way. John feels so small and undeserving.

He tries to think with the blood pounding in his ears, the heat of his burning skin. It's too hard to meet Rodney's eyes, like Rodney can see right through him.

"I-I, uh...wanted to tell you, that uh," John ducks his face in embarrassment, but Rodney moves his head to catch John's lowered eyes.

He feels lightheaded with Rodney's mouth so close, just inches away. John closes his eyes for a moment to compose himself.

John whispers. "I wanted to tell you..." He opens his eyes and looks at Rodney without hiding his pain, "To tell you that I love you, Rodney."

"You mean…" Rodney's face expands in a bright expression, then his brows furrow, "Or do you mean in the way that like, a friend loves another friend?"

Remembering those unfortunate words he said some years ago, John's face twists into a frown, "No. -Not that. That was never right, even then...

John stares into Rodney's wide blue eyes and surrenders into the intensity of his emotion. He lets everything he's feeling bleed through and confesses, "I was just afraid, because… Ah, the truth is, I'm in love with you."

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* * *

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Rodney's breath hitches, not even in his wildest hopes had he thought John might feel something like this for him. He is fluttery, short of breath, elated; his mouth gapes in surprise, then he finds his voice, "If you… Wow... Then…"

Whispering, Rodney leans in close to John, "So you wouldn't run away… if I tried to…"

He moves his mouth so it is almost touching John's.

John shakes his head lightly without moving his lips away from Rodney's.

"Okay." Rodney breathes softly, pulling his lips to close over John's.

It is a chaste kiss, but John gives a small moan.

Then Rodney pulls away, just enough to kiss John again, this time a bit more fully.

"Oh God, Rodney." John's voice is heavy with desire.

Rodney opens his lips to breathe with his mouth against John's. They stay there, lips parted, brushing on each other for a moment.

"I want to be good," John whispers, "I've never done this..."

 _'What the hell does John mean? They've had sex before.'_ Then Rodney remembers how John reacted last time he tried to kiss him.

Oh. John means he hasn't _kissed_ a guy before. It all makes a lot more sense now, why John was spooked by something that seemed so innocent to Rodney.

He speaks in a soft, sexy tone, with his lips still brushing onto John's, "It's just me, John. You and me."

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* * *

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John reaches his hand to cup the back of Rodney's neck and takes Rodney's lips in his mouth. He takes them strong but sweet, the way he remembers seeing Shep kiss.

Then he licks lightly on Rodney's lower lip, the edge of his tongue teasing Rodney open. Rodney gives into the kiss and lets John take over.

As John's tongue slowly snakes into his mouth he feels Rodney melt into his arms as he bends him back onto the bed.

God, this is… everything he's ever wanted. Rodney.

And John has to have him, Rodney is his. He has to possess him utterly, make him forget anyone else. He kisses Rodney fully on the lips again and then goes deeper, drowning in the passion.

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* * *

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Rodney's tongue eagerly seeks more, taking everything in as John presses him back into the bed. His body flutters with the dizzying intoxication, he can't believe this is actually happening. He's been needing this for so long, missing this...

It's never felt this good with anyone, he wants John to take him right now. And John seems to be thinking the same thing as they both angle themselves further onto the bed.

He pulls John's shirt up and runs his hands over his chest.

John exhales shakily and and dips his head forward to rest on Rodney's brow, "Sure you really want this?"

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this." Rodney moans as he wraps himself close and begins to unbuckle John's pants.

Within moments they have stripped each other bare, perfectly tangled up with nothing between them.

Leaning over him, John's eyes are soft as he runs his fingers through Rodney's hair; cupping his face, he kisses Rodney softly this time, "I've loved you for so long, I'm sorry I never-"

"We're together now," Rodney looks up at him with butterflies in his stomach, "That's all that matters." He grasps the sides of John's face and pulls his mouth down to his again.

There is no way to get enough of him, Rodney gently bites into John's lower lip and he cries out, "God! Oh, Rodney."

John's tongue pulse in Rodney's mouth, like a promise of how he plans to take him body and soul.

A sharp splintering sound suddenly explodes from behind them. Rodney sees the bright light of the open door illuminating several dark figures. Something bites into his skin with excruciating pain and it all goes black.

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* * *

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Jennifer has pieced some things together after having a talk with Woolsey.

Officially, John and Rodney are on a leave of absence. But Jennifer is wondering, she's not completely sure, but this must have something to do with Rodney's break-up.

The two of them left a day apart, and it seems significant that Rodney has gone running off after John just after confessing his unrequited love for someone else. Someone who's obviously been a part of this expedition the whole 5 years…

After asking discreet questions of Teyla, Jennifer soon determined that she had no insights to share. If anyone else knows what's going on, it would be Ronon.

But Ronon is the kind of person that would take something to the grave. So Jennifer decides to pretend she knows more that she does, hoping she can bluff her way into more information.

Right after it all happened, Ronon gave her a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. He shared with her the full story of losing his fiancée in Sateda. Actually, he's much more sensitive and soulful than she ever realized.

Woolsey once referred to Ronon as Jennifer's burly protector and she's grateful for his friendship in this tough time. Maybe if she hadn't thought Rodney loved her this whole time, she would have gone for Ronon instead. But Ronon is with Amelia now.

Ronon has been showing her some meditation techniques he learned from Teyla, but today Jennifer asks if they can just talk instead.

Sitting in his room filled with Teyla's borrowed candles, Jennifer hugs her pillow and gets comfortable on the floor.

"Ronon…" She heaves a deep sigh, "Rodney told me."

He just looks at her blankly.

"Relax," Jennifer stresses, "It's okay, I know. I was confused before when he had the parasite in his brain. I thought Rodney was telling me that he loved me, but it turns out he was talking about John. He's loved John this whole time."

"This whole time?" Ronon sounds genuinely surprised.

Okay, maybe Ronon knows less than she thought. "Yes Ronon, for like, years, like the whole time he's been here."

"Years… " Ronon seems to be thinking.

She hugs the pillow to her chest, "It would have been a lot easier if Rodney had just been honest about the whole thing."

"I'm sorry, Jennifer," Ronon frowns, "I had no idea."

"I'll get through it." She pauses, "I just... need to figure things out. You know, it's like the rug got pulled out from under me and I just have to… see things as they really are."

Ronon nods silently.

Then Jennifer decides to put things more boldly, "So Rodney is in love with John. He quit his job-

"What? I thought he was just taking a leave-"

"No, I, I got the low down from Woolsey. He actually submitted a letter of resignation. Woolsey's just sitting on it in case he changes his mind."

"Wow."

"Yeah. So he quit his job, which is, like, everything to him, and now I think he's scouring the countryside, to what? Profess his feelings to John? Do you think John feels the same?"

Ronon shrugs in confusion.

"Well," Jennifer continues, "Rodney said they were together before, some years back. He didn't say who, but it's obvious now. I'm so angry, I'm angry but… but I'm also worried for Rodney. I think he is going to end up terribly hurt, you know? Because I can't really see John being capable of any kind of real attachment."

"John is very capable." Ronon's eyes flash with sudden emotion, "I would never doubt him in anything. I would sooner doubt Rodney."

 _'Aha. So maybe Ronon does know something about this'_ "Well, I know Rodney. Outwardly he might seem insensitive, but he really is the sweetest, most endearing person if you get to know him.

I mean, he just dropped everything to run after John -I can only assume to tell him how he feels. I really think he's going to end up totally crushed, much worse off than me right now."

"Why is everybody so impressed with Rodney?" Ronon growls, "I mean, I don't get…"

Jennifer waits for Ronon to finish.

"I mean, when you two started dating, I was pretty annoyed."

"Why?" Jennifer asks.

"Just," Ronon shifts on his pillow, "I mean…whatever, going after the girl I like..."

"Well," Jennifer smiles, "I think I'm the one who kinda went after Rodney, he's not too good at that."

"But you think that's what he's doing now? Going after John?"

"I'm pretty sure… And since when was I the girl you liked? You told me you weren't interested."

"Yeah, well," Ronon makes a face, "guess I lied."

Feeling awkward, Jennifer tries to sound pleasant, "Well, you have Amelia now, so…"

"Yeah, sure." Ronon gives Jennifer a sexy look, "after the girl I liked turned me down."

"Right." Jennifer smiles in embarrassment.

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 **WARNING: John and Rodney have been kidnapped!** The next 2 chapters contain violence and graphic material of the hurt/comfort variety. If you wish to avoid this, skip ahead. You should be able to infer what happens in the storyline easily enough.

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	88. Trauma

**WARNING: this chapter contains material which is graphically violent and disturbing in nature. Please skip past this chapter and the next if you wish to avoid it. You should still be able to follow the storyline and infer was has happened.**

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John has the sense of waking, almost…. Then he being zapped with some kind of energy discharge before he can open his eyes. He has no sense of how much time has passed from the hotel room to now, but he realizes that he is bound and his head is covered before he loses consciousness again.

When he wakens, John is tied to a chair, bound so tightly it hurts. He can't seem to get chair to move. He is rewarded for his effort by a searing bolt of pain. John is suddenly aware of how vulnerable he is, completely naked. His eyes are closed but he hears a scream next to him.

Rodney. John tried to focus and see through the cloth over his face.

A voice tells him, "Yes, every time you disobey, he will be punished. You understand?"

"Understand." John answers through clenched teeth.

The bag over his head is ripped away and John tries to adjust the bright light. He sees Rodney's naked form tied to a chair next to him.

He winces, "Wha-What do you want?"

An authoritative figure steps into his view and smiles with his teeth, "Trust." The man thumps a Goa'uld pain rod against his palm and John wonders how he got ahold of the technology. "Your new employers require that your intel be trustworthy."

Trying to distract their captors, John speaks up glibly, "I'll tell you anything you want to know. I actually quit my old job , so I'm more than happy to help out your… employers."

The man who seems to be in charge smacks the baton against his palm again, "As I said. Trust. I'll have no questions for you until I can trust your answers."

Rodney pipes up, "Well, I don't know how long you were planning on keeping us but certain people are going to be looking for us and they're going to find us."

"Don't see how." The man laughs, "We've removed your locator signals. The SGC won't be looking for you for… at least a month, right?"

John exchanges a glance with Rodney, he looks worried.

One of the other men walks into John's view holding some equipment, "Should we start with our primary asset?"

"No." The leader, John has named him Toothy, because of his weird teeth, gestures to John, "Start with the other one."

John's stomach burns in anger, feeling responsible for putting Rodney in danger. Who the hell are these people?

The man slams something sharp into the side of John's temple and he hisses. There a sound of electronic whirring as the spike in his head is being tightened.

A large screen flickers against the far wall.

"Do you know this technology?" Toothy asks, "No, I see that you don't. I comes from the Goa'uld. It is quite effective in revealing memories. At least in their emotional content -if not the quite as detailed as I would like, to get access codes."

John thinks he has heard of a machine like this and steels his mind. He has resisted the control of Wraith Queen, he should be able keep himself from revealing too much. But Rodney... John looks to Rodney, worried. Rodney's eyes dart to John in sidelong glances as if he is worried about the same thing.

As they ask John questions about missions and technology, flashes of images appear on the screen, but nothing too revealing. At least in terms of Atlantis and encryption codes.

But the imagines of Rodney keep popping up, Rodney is what John is most worried about and so his mind keeps going back there. An image of them kissing back in the hotel room before they were taken pops up onto the screen randomly. Fuck. John hopes he hasn't given away too much.

"What does a man like you fear most?" Toothy asks John in a slow deliberate way.

John frowns and says nothing but an imagine flickers across the screen of Rodney collapsing into John's arms the day he almost died from the Ascension machine.

He watches himself on the screen, pulling Rodney onto the bed and cradling in his arms, speaking through the tears, "Oh Rodney… I'm here, I'm right here."

John looks to Rodney in fear and raises his voice, "Enough!" The screen goes blank and strangely Toothy goes silent.

After a moment Toothy turns to one of his men, "Yes. I think that's enough."

The men remove the hardware from John's temple and move towards Rodney. Another man enters the room. There are five of them now that he can see. John he stares at each man to commit their faces to memory.

"You can do whatever you want to my mind but you can never make me cooperate!" Rodney declares defiantly, "Yeah, you think you're the first ones to try? Hardly. I'll just sabotage whatever your trying to do and you won't even know because I'm too smart. You should let us go because this is a futile –OW-OW-OW. That hurts!"

John grimaces as they tighten what looks like a large thumbtack into Rodney's temple.

"Sabotage, huh?" Toothy sounds unimpressed, "Well, why don't you show me a time when you cooperated instead."

The view screen flickers to life and a scene from the past plays out. John and Rodney are in a field arguing over whether or not to repair Ford's Dart ship. Rodney finally listens and agrees to John's plan.

Rodney speaks over the images, "Yes. Yes. But I later escaped and-" He stops suddenly as the screen reveals him giving John a blowjob in the field.

Biting his lip, Rodney looks to John and shakes his head in apology. John tries to reassure him with his expression. _'It will be okay. We will get out of this. Somehow.'_

"So, you do what he tells you." Toothy points his pain stick at John.

"No." Rodney sounds unconvincing.

Toothy steps close to Rodney's face, "And what does a man like you fear most?"

"Uh, everything." Rodney nervously gulps, "So that's not really, uh…"

The screen shows a series of images. A lemon, a bee, a whale, the face of dark-haired man John doesn't recognize.

"Who is that?" Toothy walks towards the screen, "Who is that man?"

"No- Nobody." Rodney answers in a small voice.

The screen betrays him though and begins to play series of vignettes. A man who seems charming, wooing Rodney. They seem to be in love, living together.

John can see Rodney writhing in his restraints as he protests, "No. Please, no."

"The memory technology can provide very realistic sensory recall. Right now it is on a low setting and the discomfort you are experiencing is minimal." Toothy waves the electrical device, "Show me what I want to see or it will get more painful for you."

The man on the screen is handsome but his face suddenly turns ugly, screaming at Rodney and berating him. Then holding him and apologizing. In the next scene the cruelty is more sharp. The things this man says to Rodney are unforgivable but Rodney keep forgives him. More scenes of physical violence follow.

John feels sick. This must be the monster who hurt Rodney.

Rodney whimpers as Toothy asks to be shown more. The screen shows Rodney being beaten and told how disgusting he is, worthless. The guy tells Rodney that no one would want to be with him if they really knew him. That Rodney was lucky to have anyone at all.

The Rodney on the screen cries out, "Please, Alex, no."

Alex pins him down, calling him a stupid and pathetic. Rodney pleads, curled into a self-protective ball. But Alex pins him down and strips him from the waist, forcing himself into Rodney viciously

John squeezes his eyes shut but he can still hear the struggle onscreen.

"It's all your good for… a dirty cum-rag...to be used up..." Alex speaks with his thrusts, "you like it… you like to be used… yeah... use you and throw you away... cause you're a worthless little… fuck."

John rages internally.

Looking at Rodney, John can see his eyes are pinched shut and his head hanging in shame.

John whispers just loud enough to be heard. "Rodney. I'm right here Rodney."

Rodney lifts his head and looks at John plaintively.

"I'm right here." John tries to sound calm, he holds Rodney's gaze and tries not to listen.

Alex reasons with Rodney, convincing him that he is so worthless and unattractive that no one else would want to be with him. He tells him hateful things and making Rodney repeat them.

Suddenly, Rodney turns away and looks up at the screen in dread. John's eyes follow and he sees Rodney naked; one of his eyes is puffy and his lip is bleeding. He trying to get away from Alex by escaping into a bathroom but Alex forces his way in.

He pins Rodney to the floor, "You need to stop it. Stop it now or you really will have to go the hospital again."

"I'm not-"

Alex slaps Rodney's face with his hand and Rodney goes deathly still.

Then Alex thumbs Rodney's chin, "You're lucky I want to use you. I do love you. But you're so impossible to deal with. Most men wouldn't go so easy on you. If you can't hold onto me, you're going to have it a lot worse."

He leans in close over Rodney's face, stoking it softly with his hand, "Has anyone else ever found a reason to love you Rodney?"

Rodney shakes his head stiffly.

"No one else will ever want you for anything more than a cum-rag." Alex speaks slow and deliberately, "I'm going to use you rough tonight -the way men use other men that are so ugly and weak and pathetic.

John is even more horrified by what comes next, the sexual humiliation, the continued emotional and physical battery. He's never seen Rodney like this, so frightened and diminished. Alex seems to be filled with hate, like he has to put all of that hate into Rodney to get some release. He tells Rodney horrible things and makes Rodney believe them.

Wrenching against his restraints John whispers hoarsely, "Rodney, don't watch to this. Listen to me, I'm right here."

Rodney turns to look at him with deep shame in his eyes and John heart breaks that anyone ever made him hurt like this, "It's just you and me. That's all that's real right now."

He keeps Rodney's gaze, keeps talking to him to distract him from the images of the past. But then John hears a keening noise and looks back.

Alex is gone and Rodney is alone in the shower, hunched into the wall and sliding down onto the floor. He curls up into a ball and begins to sob, "Please, please, no... No, no, please."

John's stomach lurches.

He always knew he had been too rough with Rodney, knew he had hurt him somehow. But now that he knows exactly why and how.

Rodney doesn't look much younger than he is now and John wonders how long it was between the time this happened and Antartica.

The voice of their captor speaks to Rodney, "So this is what frightens you you most? Being violated so... intimately? Knowing you are too weak and pathetic to stop it?"

Rodney winces his eyes closed and buries his head into his shoulder but the machine plays another scene.

Alex is leaving Rodney, telling him that he wasn't good enough. He tells Rodney that he is completely unlovable.

The particular look of suffering in Rodney's eyes when Alex tells him that is one that John recognizes.

It is the look Rodney had on his face when John rejected him. When John pulled away from the kiss. And again, when he had shoved Rodney in the hall.

God, why had he done that? He was such a bastard.

"Ah" The leader smiles his crooked teeth at Rodney, "I think you fear the truth the most. You've tried to forget. But in your heart you know he was right about you.

Walking over to John, Toothy touches him with the rod but doesn't activate it. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

John flinches in his restraints but stops short of anything that will cause the men to shock Rodney again.

Moving the rod across John's bare chest, he says, "I think we have everything we need. In fact, I think, you are the way to get to him" Toothy points his stick at Rodney.

Turning back to John, he says "Yes, It's a puzzle, you see? By breaking him, I break you and get what our employers desire."

John grits his teeth, "Aren't you kind of ruining your plan by telling me what you're doing?"

"Not at all," The man smiles with his teeth, "All the more effective."

The pain rod on his chest suddenly goes live and John feels a searing pain before he blacks out.

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When John wakes up on a cold floor, it seems like hours have passed but he isn't sure. He tries to focus his eyes. Something has woken him up. A sound?

He moves to his hands and knees feeling the cold tile. Crawling forward he sees he is in a cell. There are bars and cot in one corner a faucet on the other side. John hears the noise again. It sounds like an animal in pain.

The far side of the room. Rodney! Propelling himself forward barely finding his feet as he makes it to the other side of the room. Rodney is huddled in ball rocking himself. He looks like he has been beaten… His feet are bleeding, badly mangled.

John's drops to his knees. They have been torturing him, "Rodney?"

Rodney lies catatonic one the floor and does not respond. John's chest heaves, he sees a couple wooden bowls next to the wall faucet, some cloth. He has to clean Rodney's feet, the have been burned and sliced open.

Their captors have left a same plastic bottle of antibiotic soap. Did they mean for him to help Rodney? No food, no clothes, but he will do what he can.

Touching one of Rodney' ankles, John asks gently for permission, "Rodney?"

Staring blankly ahead, Rodney rocks as if he doesn't know John is there.

John softly touches Rodney's bruised and puffy face. He flinches slightly to the touch but otherwise takes no notice of John's presence.

Turning his attention to one of the bloody feet, John begins to cleanse it with the hand towel. There is bile in his throat as he discovers the extent of the wounds. Cigarette burns, some gashes, at least one of his toes looks broken.

John's stomach lurches as recognizes the clear stains running down the inside of Rodney's legs. They had wanted to know what to use against Rodney… and then they had… He gapes in horror at the small pool of blood flecked semen stuck to floor by Rodney's ass.

A murderous rage grips him. But he can't think about killing them now, he has to take care of Rodney.

"Rodney?" John curls down and takes Rodney is his arms mournfully.

Rodney continues to rock, hugging his knees.

"Rodney?" John tries to touch his back. No response.

John lifts Rodney's face gently in his palms. This time he calls him by Jeannie's pet name, "Mere?"

Suddenly Rodney goes quiet and stops moving.

With love and tenderness in his voice, John whispers, "Come back to me, Mere?"

A long, slow moan escapes Rodney's lips as John wraps his arms around him. He keeps using the pet name because Rodney seems to find it soothing.

"Mere." John murmurs into Rodney's ear, "I love you, Mere. Come back to me. Let me hold you."

Rodney exhales a great heaving sob and lets go of his knees. He wraps his arms around John's neck lets himself weep openly.

John pulls him in, keeping Rodney supported so he can rest his head against John's chest. He pets the back of Rodney's head, ignoring the mess they left Rodney in for the moment.

For now, John clings to Rodney thinking of nothing else.

"-I…" Rodney starts to speak through the sobs, "-I… couldn't stop… -them."

"Shh. I know Mere." John holds Rodney protectively, "You couldn't have… I should have been there to protect you... Shh...

"Later," John tells him, "I'm going to kill all of them, but right now it doesn't matter 'cause you're still alive. Mere, you're alive, you're here. That's all that matters right now."

Rodney nods into his chest.

I.. I'm..." Rodney speaking haltingly, "so… disgusting... now. You... shouldn't be...touching…"

"Mere." John's hands smooth over Rodney's face."Mere, I can help fix that for you a little. Will you let me?"

Rodney can barely meet John's gaze, he looks so ashamed and broken. As Rodney blinks up finally, John tries to let all the love and acceptance he feels show through.

But then Rodney shakes his head silently with a small trickle of tears streaming down his face, "You don't have to…"

"Will you let me, Mere?" John's heart is breaking.

A strangled noise comes out of Rodney's mouth, but John make out a 'Yes'.

Gently he pulls Rodney to sit between his legs, close enough to reach the cloth. Then he begins to softly clean the wounds and wash away the shame radiating from Rodney.

The back in relatively uninjured, but Rodney's chest looks like it has taken a beating. There are bite marks and John is extra careful cleaning them, trying not the hurt Rodney in the process.

Seeing Rodney's arms and the deep rope burns on his wrists. John tries to keep his rage in check so he can be here the way Rodney needs him to. But his mind is racing in anticipation of how he is going to personally kill each and everyone of these men.

Rodney sits silently with tears still streaming down his face and John reassures him, "It's going to be okay Mere."

Really, Rodney should be in a hospital. But all he has is John and a washcloth. John tries to stay calm. With shaking hands, he continues cleaning away evidence of Rodney's humiliation.

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Remaining passive, Rodney leans back against John and lets his kind touch take away some of the hatred and pain that feel like it is burned into his body now.

The horror of what they did to him was so much worse than enduring Alex, but it is all jumbled up in his mind. They had used Alex's words while they took turns. The same words, the same feelings. The disgust he feels with himself for being so worthless is screaming in his head and he can't bear the sensation of existing in his own skin.

He is worthless and disgusting. Unloveable. There is something inside him that is wrong. Something inherent made those men use him and hurt this way. He doesn't deserve to live. He doesn't want to anymore.

But John doesn't think that, does he?

Rodney tries to cling to the fact the John is with him now and drown out the voices of the men in his head. He doubts himself, but he trusts that John cares about him. John is a life raft amid Rodney's sea of self-loathing. He will try to hold onto that; he will let John hold him even though he feels clawing his way out of his own skin.

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When John is finished, he whispers, "Give your arms, Mere. Just put them around my neck. I'm going to carry you."

He folds his arms under Rodney's knees and carries him over to the small mattress. There is one pillow and a thin blanket.

"Okay." John runs his hands down Rodney's arms, "You with me, Mere?"

Rodney looks so lost and small when he meets John's gaze but John stays strong, "Doing great, Mere." He protectively wraps the blanket around Rodney and rests his head back on the pillow.

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Rodney feels safe with the blanket around him. As long he has the blanket he doesn't have to feel the sensation of his own skin. He can't bear to feel his own skin. The blanket is thin barrier, a pathetic and infantile way to try to hide from himself. Still, he shudders violently, unable to rid himself of feeling of their cruel hands on him, holding him open, rutting into him.

"Hey" John's voice brings him back, his hand touches Rodney's face with concern.

"Can you drink a little for me, Mere?" John brings some water from the small wooden bowl to his lips. He holds it so that Rodney can drink him fill without lifting his much off the pillow. It isn't food, but it is something.

As it fills his stomach, Rodney cringes. It reminds him of the hands over his mouth, forcing him swallow after they came inside his throat...

"Drink it all little cum-rag. You know you're dirty and you like it. You know you want to be used up and thrown away like a piece of garbage."

Gagging a bit, Rodney feels like he is going to throw the water up. He sees the men's faces in his head, leering down at him. They were right. He is worthless and disgusting. A piece of dirty garbage. He wishes they would have just killed him and thrown him away. It's so much worse still being here and feeling like this.

John's arms are reaching around him, leaning him back on the pillow.

"Okay," John's voice is hoarse as he lays down on the edge of the small cot, "It's going to be okay." He fiercely embraces Rodney with every inch of his body.

Exhausted, Rodney closes his eyes in relief to sensation of John holding him. It almost makes the bad things go away. Rodney doesn't know why, but he likes it when John calls him Mere. He lets himself relax enough to pass out from the pain and exhaustion.

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Dave still can't believe that the world is really so much different than he had always thought it was. He had meant to destroy the files but they were mesmerizing. He loves reading all the mission files, especially the ones written by John about his team on Atlantis.

They are all like real characters to him now. It was amazing to think that he has met Ronan, an alien from another galaxy. The reports from SG1, based on Earth, out of Cheyenne Mountain, were compelling too.

When Aaron downloads a few emails he has been able to decrypt onto the laptop, Dave becomes concerned. They seemed to be correspondence between some of the members of the Syndicate regarding some of the Atlantis team members.

One email directly mentions his brother, Colonel John Sheppard, and his colleague, Dr. Rodney McKay. The phrasing is vague but it seems threatening to Dave, 'Once we have acquired McKay, things will move much more quickly.' Dave tries to get a message through to John, but doubts it is likely to make it to him any time soon.

He is going to have to come clean with the SCG if he wants to get this information to John in a timely manner. Based on the mission reports, Dave has concluded that Colonel Samantha Carter is the most likely to hear him out.

His corporate detectives give him the information he needs to make unofficial contact with her in Colorado Springs. He catches her off guard in a coffee shop and introduces himself by his first name only. He tells her he has been wary to make contact, but felt that he had something pertaining to national security that she should look at.

Sam is polite and dismissive. She tells him that she isn't involved with anything pertaining to National security, but that she can direct him to the proper agency.

Dave tells her he is willing to do that but asks she gave him 2 minutes to explain the situation first. She looks reluctant but agrees, taking a sip of her coffee. He tries to mash as much as he can into the short amount of time, Atlantis, SG1, nanotechnology, the Syndicate, the Trust, and a possible plan to kidnap Dr. Rodney McKay.

She looks alarmed the moment he mentions the Trust and cuts him off well before his 2 minutes. She insists that he be brought to the base for questioning.

At the base, when they discover that he is John Sheppard's brother, they become deeply suspicious of a security leak. Dave does his best to convince them that his business connections were old, through his father, that he had no idea about any of this stuff until a couple months ago.

He explains that he had only come into certain knowledge upon his father's death. Being suspicious about possible illegal procurement of government technologies, he had some of his people do some digging for him. The information has not been stolen from the government but from the Syndicate itself.

Dave also stresses how little John and he have been in contact through the last 20 years. Really, he had been as shocked as anyone to see that John was mixed up in all this and didn't want to see anything bad happen to his brother.

The SGC keeps asking him the same questions. They don't seem satisfied with the answers. Then they hook him up to some kind of advanced lie detector machine and ask him the questions again. It seems he finally passes because they let him out of his holding cell and have him sign a massive non-disclosure agreement.

When he released, he finds out that Sam is temporarily in charge of the base and realizes he made a good call reaching out to her. Sam is willing to have a more open discussion with Dave now, viewing him with less suspicion.

He asks her if they will be able to use the data trace the source of the emails before John and the others visit Earth.

Sam gives Dave a grimacing smile, "Here's the thing Dave, John and Rodney are back on Earth…"

"Are they okay?" Dave is alarmed.

"Actually, they are missing." Sam has a pragmatic expression.

Dave starts in his chair, Sam continues, "They were supposed to be on leave for a number of weeks. But if it hadn't been for you, a month may have gone by before we even realized their locators had been placed in the remote desert."

"So you can find them, right?" Dave stares at her.

"Honestly, without their locators, it isn't going to be easy. Our best chance is going to be the laptop you brought in. We've got Dr. Lee and his team taking it apart right now. And anything else you can give me about this group, the individuals, the corporations, is going to be key."

"Right." Dave is dead serious. Get me something to write with. I'll give you everything I know."

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	89. The sound of a person being destroyed

**WARNING: this chapter contains material which is graphically violent and disturbing in nature. Please skip to the next chapter if you wish to avoid it. You should still be able to follow the storyline and infer was has happened.**

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When John wakes up, there are two plates of food by the cell door as well as a fresh washcloth. Each of the plates have a few wafers of bread. John piles it all onto one plate and brings it to Rodney.

It is early yet for Rodney to wake and he needs to recover. But John doesn't know if Rodney will get another chance to eat and he wants Rodneys to keep his strength up.

"Mere?" He pets Rodney in his sleep, Wake up, Mere….I have food?"

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The restraints are cutting through the skin on his wrists. Rodney struggles to make it stop. But they don't. They don't stop-

Waking up with a gasp Rodney looks around the cell and groans; he hurts everywhere.

"Shh," John tells him, "you don't have to get up. I brought it here for you. Just try to eat, okay?"

John sets the plate down and hands Rodney some bready crackers. He needs water to get it down and John hands him some.

"Mmm" Rodney mumbles in appreciation, then he frowns, "This is all they gave us?"

"Yeah," John is apologetic, "I already ate mine, sorry."

"Mmm," Rodney devours the small morsels. He wonders how long these men plan on keeping him alive..

Suddenly there is a sound of sharp footsteps echoing in the hall. Rodney's body fills with dread and he clutches at his blanket. John looks at him like is ready to murder the men with is bare hands and takes a fighting stance, blocking access to Rodney on the cot.

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The sound of metal is moving at the door.

John sees 5 of them, all faces he knows. He moves closer to the doors to fight them. 3 of them move in on John, bringing him to his knees with the pain rod before he can even get a good punch in.

Coughing, and swinging violently at them he tries to get back up, but the searing pain brings him down. They keep jolting him until he is on the immobile and wheezing. The other 2 have Rodney; they are pulling him with his feet dragging behind him.

"No! No! Take me!" John screams, "You fucking bastards! Take me!"

Another jolt of pain silences John again.

He is still spasming on the floor from the shock when the bars lock shut. But he makes it to his feet in time to see Rodney with his head stooped, naked and terrified as he is being dragged down the hall.

The men are laughing. They take Rodney to a room very close by, the door is open, John can hear them talking.

"HEY!" John pounds onto the cells screaming, "I said take me! I want to go! It's my turn! TAKE ME!"

John climbs the caged wall, punching into the bars until his knuckles are bloody, begging them to come back for him.

They can hear him, but they don't come back.

"Please, God, no," He hears Rodney's voice, "not again, please. Please, no."

"Leave him alone! Take me! Take- Fucking take me you sons of bitches! Come back here and- You! Take! Me!" John screams with a hoarse voice.

"NO! No! Don't do this!" John continues to beat onto the bars uselessly, battering his knuckles, "Please! I'll do whatever you want!"

A voice laughs, "Let me start with his ass this time, you can have the mouth."

This is intentional, John realizes. They want him to hear.

There are sounds of grunting and fucking while Rodney cries. They tell him the horrible things that Alex used to say to Rodney. They make him admit that he deserves to be raped and hurt because he weak, pathetic and unlovable.

They talk through the humiliating things they are doing to him, making it clear for John's benefit, and forcing Rodney to repeat their words even though he can barely speak through the terrified sobs.

"Yo-you're go-ing t-to, fuck m-me and, and use m-me b-be-cause I'm… worthless and disgusting…-o-only go-od for b-being used"

They take their time, they take repeated turns hurting Rodney's body. They are clearly skilled at torture. John knows from experience that a subject can pass out or numb out after 40 minutes or so unless the torturer knows how to ride to edge, keep the adrenaline and fear going. Too much non-stop pain, the victim to go into complete shock. These men are skilled. Horribly skilled.

Some kind of terrible moaning noise is coming from the room. It doesn't sound human, a kind of shrill and stifled choking sob. Rodney manages to scream despite his blocked passageway. It is bloodcurdling.

And John knows the pain must be unbearable. He bangs on the door and screams, but then he can't hear Rodney hurting.

Rodney is hurting. And John has to know how much. He needs to know how much he needs to kill these men later.

"No, you keep fucking him but we each take a leg, so we can play too"

This pitch of Rodney's fear goes up. John can hear it in the desperate sobs, punctuated by shrill screams, one after the other.

In a helpless rage, John is on the floor now, his fists closed around bars as the man he loves is being tortured.

"P-please. Oh pl-ease, no-no m-more? Pl-lease don't I-it h-hurts so much." Rodney gasps

"Well, it's supposed to hurt", A man laughs, "Nice and deep where you'll always feel us inside you, owning every piece of you.

The groups breaks into laughter. John can tell by the way Rodney is screaming how savage they are being with him.

Rodney let's out a pricing wail and afterwards the man speaks again. "It could be easier though. You could stop struggling and submit completely, and we won't have to hurt you so much. If you're a good little cum-rag, I could even untie you. But you have to promise to be good and show us how much you love it."

After a moment the man speaks again with pleased tone, "That's it... that's more like it... Be a good little whore. That's good. Show me how much you like to be used."

John helplessly chokes on his breath and hugs his knees. He can't bear hearing Rodney being broken like this. It is the sound of the person he loves the most in the world being destroyed.

His stomach clenches, if there was any food in it, he would throw up. He paces and punches the wall. He tries to break the cot down into something he can use for a weapon, but it is solidly fixed to the floor.

Finally, he lays back on floor by the open bars of the cell in a fetal position. He knows he has no right to, but he weeps softly. It is Rodney being hurt, John is supposed to protect him, Rodney needed him and John failed him. He hadn't seen this coming. He has no idea who these guys are. He should have known, should have sensed the danger. He had just been so self absorbed.

And if John hadn't left the way he did, then Rodney never would have left the safety of Atlantis. John is to blame for all it, he shouldn't be just be lying here on the floor, he needs to stop this.

"Please, please, please, please." John begs the empty room, his voice whisper now. "Oh God, please stop, please, stop…"

But it does't stop it. The torture of it seems to stretch into an eternity before finally the sounds from the room go quiet.

. A sudden fear that Rodney has been killed seizes him. No, no, they need Rodney alive… John lifts himself onto his knees and looks toward to the open door at the end of the hall. There is a rustling of movement.

John jumps up when he sees two of the men dragging an unresponsive Rodney down the hall. Rodney's head has fallen completely forward and the men drag him by the arms. His feet are limp, trailing blood behind him.

Standing in the middle of the cell, John trembles with rage, ready for anything.

The main guy, Toothy, appears in front and asks, "Are you ready to be trustworthy?"

Stilling himself, John remembering that Toothy told him how he planned to use Rodney to get him. John had sensed this had all been for his benefit but he feels even guiltier now.

They plan to keep breaking Rodney until they get what they want from him too. John backs away from the door meekly, and means it when he tells them, "I will do whatever you want. I'll do anything. Just please, please don't hurt him anymore."

"I don't know, a soldier boy like you?" Toothy looks skeptical, "You might need another day or two to bring you around. I was going to have you watch next time."

"No!" John drops to his knees in submission, "No. I don't need anything else. I'll do whatever you ask of me."

"Please." John begs him a whisper.

Toothy's mouth twists into a smile, "Well, then, soldier boy… Your job is to work with Dr. McKay. Remind him to be a trustworthy employee and do whatever we ask him to."

"Yes," John answers in dead voice, "Yes. I can do that."

The door unlocks and Toothy pauses to see if John is going to try to lunge at him. John stays on his knees while the 2 guys carry a nearly unconscious Rodney, walk him in and drop him next to the wall faucet. John just stares aghast at the bloody specter.

As they leave and lock the door, Toothy reminds John, "Remember, there is so much more that we could do to him. Be a good soldier or I destroy him completely." With a grimace of a smile Toothy adds, "Tomorrow you both begin your new employment."

Staggering over to Rodney, John sees his eyes are completely vacant. He has seen that look before in the field, when a soldier's soul has shattered. The look when some has been taken too far too come back. Oh God Rodney, please come back.

Rodney is huddled on the floor, rocking and making no sound. His face is empty, blank.

John is worried that Rodney has weight on his feet, they are bleeding badly. He touches Rodney's puffy face, "Mere."

Rodney flinches and says nothing. John gets a fresh rag and fills the bowl with soapy water. He is going to have to do this alone. He returns and kneels next Rodney, unsure of how to proceed.

At first he just reaches his arms around Rodney and holds him. Rodney doesn't flinch this time but he keeps rocking, in his own world.

Then John sighs, "Okay, Mere… I've got to clean you up. You don't have to do anything, just let me move you a little… Okay Mere?"

But Rodney just stares ahead unresponsive.

He is really worried about Rodney's feet but John starts the way he did last time, smoothing the rag over Rodney's brow. Rodney flinches again and John realizes that it is probably because he was hit. At least one of his eyes looks like it is going to swell shut. The cheek doesn't look good either.

Rodney's lips are cracked, bits of blood and semen have dried on his face and neck. John gingerly cleans the sore cheek and eye, then cleans the other side. As John moves down to clean the swollen lips, Rodney winces as John wipes them.

"You're doing real good, Mere." He tells him.

After rinsing the rag, he gets more water to clean away the dried semen. He washes the front and then the back of Rodney's neck. He runs the washcloth over Rodney's back, noting that is still relatively uninjured. Now for the chest.

"Mere, this is one of the parts where I have to move you, okay?"

Rodney rocks hypnotically.

Sitting behind Rodney, John sits with his legs flanking him. He takes a breath and then places a hand on Rodney's chest, pulling Rodney to lean back into him. He readily complies, still making a rocking motion. Rodney's chest looks worse than yesterday.

The burns from the bindings on Rodney's bloody wrists are so deep they will probably leave scars. He must have been struggling terribly before they untied him. It was better that Rodney stopped trying to fight them, he body is already so mangled. But John knows the deeper damage is done the psyche by cooperating with your torturer.

John had never given up any information, but in other ways he had given up, become passive and accepted he couldn't stop the Taliban. He had wanted to stay strong and defiant but the fight and will to survive was taken from him when Lyle died and he had given in. He had retreated to such a numb detachment that he never really came back. Not until Rodney brought him back.

John closes his eyes in shame, this is his fault, all of it. "I'm so sorry, Mere".

Rodney makes a hissing noise but continues to rock vacantly as John softly cleans the wounds on his chest. He would prefer not to have to hurt Rodney but he doesn't know how long they will be here, without any medical care. He doesn't want any of this to get infected.

"Now I just need to do your arms. You're doing great, Mere… This might hurt a little but we need to clean them."

Rodney gives no indication that he understands.

Getting a fresh rag, John works his way down from the shoulder, cradling Rodney's arms to avoid contact with the wrist wound as long as possible. Then John clasps the rag over the cuts made by the bindings. Rodney gives a blink, then he hold his eyes closed, rocking to soothe himself.

After moment of soaking John cleans the area. Before he repeats the process on the other arm, John lets himself rock in time with Rodney . He wonders if he really has a chance to stop this madness. There is no reason to trust these men but he has no choice. If there is even the smallest chance that he can save Rodney from going through any more of this, then he will tell them any fucking state secret they want to know.

After cleaning the other wrist, John leans in the Rodney's ear, "Mere, I'm going to do your legs now… And I want to start with your feet. Can you help me with this?"

Silently rocking, Rodney says nothing.

John moves to face Rodney. He places his hand on one of Rodney's calf and tugs it lightly. "Mere. Can I have your leg?"

Rodney comes off of the balls of his feet and folds his legs to the side. John pulls one out from under Rodney and he pushes his lips together in disgust at what he sees. Rodney's foot has been sliced repeatedly. Some fresh burn marks stick out under the dried blood. Rodney is going to need a lot of stitches. He grabs the bowl and lifts Rodney's knee so that the foot is resting inside.

"Mmm" Rodney moans, but keeps rocking.

It terrifies him that Rodney is so quiet. A healthy Rodney is a complaining Rodney. He is so broken John is afraid he might be gone for good. He washes Rodney's calf and thigh while get lets the foot soak.

He will kill them all if it is last thing he ever does.

On the upper thigh John can see the telltale pooling of blood and semen. His stomach lurches again and he gags. Fortunately, it is empty and nothing comes up.

For the first time Rodney looks directly at John. His eyes are eerie and vacant; his voice sounds far away, "I'm disgusting."

"No! no, no, no, Mere." John gapes, "You're not. They are disgusting. They disgust me because they hurt you."

There is no expression on Rodney's face. John remembers all the ugly things they have been saying to Rodney, reinforcing his worst fears. He pleads, "I love you, Mere. Nothing about you could ever be disgusting. You're wonderful."

Shaking his head, Rodney looks away and begins rocking his torso methodically. John sighs and takes the foot out of the bowl, wiping away the dried blood. The foot looks like hamburger meat. He pats it down the best he can. At least it is clean and dry now.

With a fresh bowl of water John takes Rodney's other leg. Rodney lets him take it without resistance as John places it in the bowl to soak and cleans his legs. John grimaces, what Rodney needs is a doctor, but he does the best he can and then lightly pats the other foot dry.

"Mere." He kneels next to Rodney. There is just one last thing to do but it is going to be the worst part.

Rodney gives a quiet whimper.

He strokes Rodney's hair, still damp from John's sponge bath. "Okay that's good. I know you can hear me… So, I just want you to know, Mere, that I love you. And that no matter what happens, nothing will ever change that, okay? I just want you to trust me, so I can help you. Will you do that for me, Mere? Just bend over a little bit?"

Quietly, without looking at John, Rodney leans himself forward, folding into his stomach enough to give John access.

"Okay Mere, I'm going to try to be really careful. This is the last bit, okay?... Okay here we go."

It is hard to tell at first how bad the damage is with all the dried blood and semen caked along Rodney's crack. The skin around it is so raw and red that John opts to soak the area with a wet rag before even attempting to to make real contact with the skin.

After a short wait, John carefully wipes the cloth away. Some of it is gone, but some is still hanging to his skin. The surrounding area is free no but the worst of it is still stuck to area around Rodney's enflamed hole.

"Mere?"John asks tentatively.

His head hanging in shame, Rodney leans all the way forward with. He spreads his legs so John can see everything. John bites his lip. All of the surrounding tissue looks bruised, red, and torn. There is a fresh looking trickle of blood coming from the swollen hole. He can't tell if it is a tear in the surface tissue or a sign of deeper internal bleeding. John grits his teeth as he places the wet cloth onto the painful area.

Even though it must be horribly painful, Rodney doesn't move at all as John cleans away the residue. He rinses the rag, he wrings it out and tries to use it to stop the bleeding. But when he pulls it away, there is still a trickle of blood.

Cursing at the thought that there could be internal damage, John folds some nearby toilet paper.

"Mere, I, I'm almost done. I just think maybe we should…" he places the padding along Rodney's ass crack. "Keep this here, to help the bleeding stop. Just for little bit. You can take it out when you want."

Rodney sits back up and starts rocking again. He looks so scared and vulnerable with his arms hugging himself defensively. John reaches out for him and takes him in his arms. He lets Rodney keep rocking, moving with him.

Leaning his head into the back of Rodney's neck, he tells him, "I love you, Mere. It's going to be okay... I think it's going to be okay. I told them I would give them what they wanted."

The rocking stops but Rodney still doesn't speak.

"Let's get you to the bed." John hears his own voice and sounds so tired and resigned, not nearly strong enough.

Fortunately the cot proved very sturdy and wasn't affected by John's destructive fit earlier. John lifts him onto the bed pulls the blanket protectively around Rodney.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney can still hear the voices in his head but they aren't as loud now. The feeling of John's arms wrapped securely around him makes the horrible feeling under Rodney's skin go away.

John squeezes him tightly, "I think it's going to be better now."

Ugly images swirl in his mind. Rodney wonders if they will ever stop hurting him. John has no way of knowing if it will get better. He is just trying to be comforting.

Out loud Rodney asks, "Why?"

.  
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* * *

.  
.

"I'm sorry Rodney", John's breath comes out staggered, "I couldn't take it."

"What'd they do to you?" Rodney's voices sounds thick and wooden.

John can't tell him, it would only make Rodney feel worse about himself right now. "Doesn't matter… I broke. I told them I'd give them whatever they wanted."

"But…" Rodney stirs, "you're not gonna?"

"Yeah, of course I am…" John answers hoarsely, "I'll do whatever I have to."

"'kay. If you think it's the best way…" Rodney sounds puzzled, "Just follow your lead."

Right, that's what they were counting on. John closes his eyes. His voice cracks, "I just hope it will be enough."

"To make them stop...?" Rodney can't seem to bring himself to say it. He lifts John's arm off of his chest and looks at the bloody and swollen hand.

John lets out a a sudden and involuntary sob into Rodney shoulder. He tries to hide his face, but his choking gasps betray him.

Rodney turns his face in concern, "John?"

John lets go of the tension of the last couple days. He doesn't know if he and Rodney will be any safer now. He has no way to know anything, but can't hold it together anymore.

His body shakes with fear as he sobs into Rodney's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried to get to you but there was no way out. They made sure there was no way out. They made me… I can't let them hurt you anymore, Mere. I'm so, I'm so sorry for this -so sorry."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

It takes every bit of strength Rodney has left, but he tries to focus his mind on what is happing right now. To ignore the horrible pain in his body.

John is hurting too. Rodney should feel more disturbed by the fact that it is his fault. It is because he is weak and disgusting and those men knew how use that against him. John would never have broken on his own. But Rodney couldn't feel any more disgusted with himself and views the facts with a kind of numb detachment..

"Oh." He is just sorry he let John down.

"Please forgive me, I'm so sorry." John frantically grabs at Rodney and buries his face into his shoulder.

Rodney frowns softly trying to think.. It is like his mind disappeared. He asks thickly, "Why... are you sorry?"

"Because I couldn't get to you…" John's shrinks into himself as he squeezes out the words, "All those hours, there was nothing I could do."

"You're hands?" Rodney blinks and takes John's palm again.

" I tried to get to you." John still won't lift his head.

The dull sorrow is making it hard to think. Everything is so confusing and Rodney is in so much physical pain. He feels like John should hate him for being so dirty and used. But John doesn't seem to be as disgusted with him as Rodney thinks he should.

If John heard him beg and scream… Then he must have heard everything, he must know Rodney gave in and did whatever they wanted him to. Oh God, It is just too humiliating.

He doesn't want John to hate him. But John is begging his forgiveness instead treating Rodney like the weak coward he is. Rodney doesn't know why John is still being so kind to him. But right now he hanging onto it. It is the last shred of humanity he has.

Holding the part of John's hand that is not injured, Rodney squeezes it with affection and curls his the hand around the back of John's neck. "'S okay… Don't have to be sorry."

"I am." John struggles to catch his breath, "I failed you. I failed everyone."

Somewhere in the back of Rodney's mind, this sounds familiar. His gears move slowly but he pulls up an old memory. Rodney's tongue feels thick in his mouth but he speaks, "Fears. Our worst fears. Somehow… They got to us… they used it against us."

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* * *

.  
.

John stills. He remembers that talk long ago when Rodney had told him not to believe his worst fears about himself. John had told Rodney about losing Lyle, about his belief that he wasn't good enough because he let everyone down. John had used the same words, -that he failed everyone.

And Rodney, Rodney had told John that he had been raped, that it had made him hate himself and think he was worthless.

He knew their captors were replaying Rodney's old trauma to use it against him. It just hadn't occurred to him how they were playing him the same way.

"Fears. Okay." John slows his breathing, "Then, it's you and me. Nothing else is real."

"Nothing else." Rodney murmurs.

John lifts his swollen eyes and pulls Rodney into a closer embrace.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Rodney tries to believe it in what John said, he tries to believe that he isn't as despicable as he feels.

 _'Fears'_ , he tells himself. Clinging to John desperately, Rodney tries not drown in the fears of what tomorrow will bring. He tries to believe that he and John won't be parted again.

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	90. Rescue

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Somewhere in the middle of the night John is startled awake. Something is wrong. John throws himself on top of Rodney. They are going to have to kill him before he lets them take him again.

There are heavy footsteps, then the sound of the cell door being thrown open. Figures in the dark coming for them.

"NO!" John screams using his body to shield Rodney, who is cowering still wrapped in his blanket cocoon.

"Colonel Sheppard! Dr. McKay! We're here to get you out."

John practically falls off the cot in relief and exhaustion, he hasn't eaten in days. He recognizes Sam in the forefront. Thank God. He hears other voices shouting in the distance. The building shakes with an explosion. C4?

"We need to get you guys out of here!" Sam is shouting to him.

"Rodney's injured." John shakes his head, "Can't walk. Gotta carry him."

"Wait. You look pretty bad yourself." Sam calls out, "Lieutenant ?"

A huge man walks over to them and Sam tells him, "Lieutenant, we have a man down, I need you to carry him"

"Yes, sir" The man affirms her order. He bends down and scoops Rodney up in his cocoon as easily as Ronan might have. Rodney looks half conscious and limp.

Sam assures John, "We're not reading any other life signs right now, but I just want to get you both to safety while we go there the place. She gives John a locater beacon, telling him that his transmitter has been removed.

"Yeah." John is bitter, "Figured that one out."

The Odyssey beams them into the SGC compound at Cheyenne mountain and the Lieutenant sets Rodney down on a gurney. Rodney's head lolls to side and his eyes look glazed.

After John dons a hospital gown, Sam tells him, "You know we never would have found you if it weren't for your brother."

"My brother?" John screws up his face in utter confusion.

"Long story." Sam tells him, "Some of his business dealings led him to uncover information about an unsavory organization and, well, he alerted us to the fact that you might be in danger."

John lifts his brows in shock as Sam continues, "We wouldn't have even known you were missing for weeks."

"So," John slowly shakes his head, "how did you even find us?"

"Thanks again to your brother." Sam smiles, "He actually wanted to join us on the rescue mission but I had to explain to him that this was a military operation. You're going to have to ask him about it some time."

"What… am I able to discuss with him?" John asks.

"Well, he signed the same confidentiality agreement that you did." Sam replies, "So you are free to discuss the program and related activities."

"Really." John arches a brow.

A doctor walks into the room and Sam greets her, "Dr. Lam, we have some people for you to check out."

"Him first." John points quickly to Rodney.

Dr. Lam smiles, "Okay." she walk to the side of Rodney's bed and starts to touch him.

Rodney rears back huddling into himself, "No! No! John-John!"

"It's okay buddy," John rushes to Rodney's side. "I'm right here, not going anywhere."

"No! No! Please, John don't let them!" Rodney is shaking like a leaf.

"I might need to give him a sedative first." Dr. Lam sighs as she turns to get one.

"John? Please. No more." Rodney clutches at his blanket fearfully.

He doesn't care how it looks, John bends down and wraps his arms around Rodney, "I'm here, Mere. No one's going to hurt you now. I won't let them."

Rodney is still clutching his blanket so hard, his knuckles are white but his panic seems to subside.

When John looks up at Sam to see her reaction, there is only compassion on her face. She whispers "My God, what happened out there?"

John wouldn't even know where to begin, he presses his lips together and shuts it all out. Everything except Rodney in his arms.

Dr. Lam returns with some helpers. She tells her assistants to help hold Dr. McKay's arms while she gives him an injection, telling John to move out of the way.

Rodney starts to panic again, "No! No! John!"

"It's all right Mere." John leans in whispers softly, "We're just got to fix you up, okay?"

But Rodney is hyperventilating and shaking his head.

Offering Lam a compromise, John suggests, "What if I hold him still while you give the injection."

She doesn't look happy but tells him, "All right. But if this doesn't work, we do it my way."

"Okay," John whispers again, "I'm going to hold you, and all you have to do is let her have an arm. Just for a second. And if you don't like it, we will figure something else out."

Breathing unevenly, Rodney looks at John in fear.

"Try it? For me?" John tries to coax him.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Rodney peaks one of his hands out from under the blanket. John leaves one of his arms around Rodney's shoulder and reaches with the other to gently pull Rodney's arm from it's hiding place.

Dr. Lam and Sam both gasp a little when they see the deep cuts the bindings left on Rodney's wrist and forearm.

"Okay." Dr. Lam quickly dismisses sentiment and readies her syringe.

John lightly supports Rodney's arm without trying to restrain him.

When Dr. Lam touches Rodney's arm, he flinches but doesn't pull away. He looks up at John fearfully, "Oh God. I can't, I can't"

"You're doing it buddy," John reassures him, "you're almost there, you're… You're done."

Recoiling back into the blanket, Rodney looks even more afraid than before. His eyes are wide with terror.

"We'll give that a minute to kick in and then we'll get to work." Lam tells them dryly.

"No-no-no-no-no.. John?" Rodney is frantic, "You can't let her touch me! Please! I want don't anyone except you and Carson."

"Pl-please! Oh God!" Rodney's voice cracks and her turns to Sam, "Please don't do this to me, Sam. You wouldn't do this to me?!"

Sam is gaping at Rodney unsure of how to respond.

Turning his head, Rodney pleads with John again, "You said you wouldn't let them hurt me? Please, please don't. Only Beckett -only Beckett. Please, I want to go home."

"Okay, Mere," John strokes Rodney's uninjured back tenderly "I won't let anyone touch you. I'll be right back."

John walks over to Sam while Rodney hunches into himself shaking and muttering, "Please, please... please, please."

He steadies his gaze at her, "Doing something against his consent, right now, would be very damaging for him, even in the long run. We need to get him back to Atlantis to see Carson -his doctor. The Odyssey can do it in a heartbeat. The only way you're going to be able to treat him here is if you render him unconscious. And to do that you'll have to get through me first."

"I'll tell them to expect you." Sam nods.

After helping Rodney into wheelchair, he holds his hand protectively, as they wait to be beamed into the Atlantis infirmary. Sam tells John that Dr. Beckett is standing by, ready for them. Checking the clock, John calculates the time difference. It will still be quite late; no one should be up to bother them.

Sam gazes at John with a look of surprised appreciation on her face. He realizes that in all her time on Atlantis, she had probably only seen them bantering and bickering with each other. There would have been no way for her to know how much love there really is between them. Whether she thinks it is just a close friendship or something more, he can't tell.

As the Odyssey radios in, she smiles at John warmly, and tells them, "Good luck."

In a flash, he and Rodney are beamed into the infirmary. Carson and a couple of assistants appear in front of him. John keeps holding Rodney's hand but whispers, "Ah, Carson?"

"Colonel Sheppard." Carson steps forward.

"This is," John tries to keep his voice low, "ah, going to need to be a private visit."

Carson objects, "But I-"

"Carson." John cuts him off in serious tone, "Private."

"Very well." Carson gives in. He turns to his assistants, "I guess you two can go back to bed."

After they leave Carson tells John, "All right, well, you can just wait over there."

Rodney clutches at John's hand and John explains, "Well, not that private."

"What kind of medical emergency is this?" Carson gives him a confused look, "Colonel Carter said you said were beaming in from Cheyenne Mountain?"

"I just don't think Rodney wants me to leave." He explains to Carson. Turning to Rodney he asks, "Do you want me to leave?"

"No-no-no-no." Rodney looks at Carson in fear, "I- don't make him leave."

"I changed my mind." Rodney spins his head around to plead with John, "I can't do this. God, please. Don't make me do this, I can't do this. I can't!"

John kneels in front of Rodney. With his free hand he touches the side of Rodney's face that isn't swelling. He pets Rodney's hair, calming him. He looks into Rodney's eyes with deep love.

"Mere… I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

He continues to caress Rodney's head and face. Rodney looks so miserable and John tries to transmit all the love he is feeling in his expression. Rodney's breath slows as he gazes, lost in John's eyes.

"We can do this." John speaks softly, "We've got Carson now, just like you wanted. We'll get you fixed and you'll feel so much better… okay?"

Rodney nods and John smiles, starting to stand, without thinking about it, he finds himself cradling Rodney's face and softly kissing his forehead.

Then John becomes acutely aware of Carson standing next to them. He keeps ahold of Rodney's hand but shuffles nervously when he takes in Carson's shocked expression.

"Okay boys," Carson blinks and steps behind the wheelchair, "private room, this way."

On the way to the room, John explains that Rodney will need a lot of help getting up into the gurney. "He can't walk or put weight on his feet."

"What the hell were you two up to?" Carson frowns.

"I didn't do this!" John is horrified.

"All right." Carson is patient, "But... What happened? I mean, how bad is it?"

"It's... real bad." John bites lip, "I can tell you where he's hurt. I- I've been tending to him, the last couple of days, as best I could… All I had was water, and oh, his blood sugar has got be really low. There was hardly anything to eat."

"What about you?" Carson studies John.

"I'm fine." John waves his bloodied hand, "You can look at me later. Please… Rodney needs help."

"All right." Carson looks at Rodney huddled into a dirty blanket and clinging to John. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Okay," John swallows, "blood sugar, got that. Um, he has bruises and wounds on his chest, bite marks. I tried to clean them but they look infected. He's been beaten, you can see the swelling on his face."

Clearing his throat, John speaking haltingly, so low Carson has to lean in to hear him, "Um, His arms… were tied. And, uh, the bindings cut into his skin. I don't know if you do anything about that but… Okay, his feet are… they've been burned and cut open. Some toes are broken, they are pretty mangled and I figure you can stitch them up a bit."

"Good Lord" Carson pales and looks at Rodney in concern.

John sighs and closes his eyes, he can barely hear himself, "They, uh, had him…"

"What's that?" Carson leans closer with his ear to Johns' mouth.

"They..." John's whole face frowns as he tries to continue. He chokes on the words, barely audible, "He, they, tortured him physically, uh sexually… uh." John shutters as the words finally escape him.

"So," John speaks in a normal voice again but he is shaking, "it's bad."

"Oh. Rodney." Carson places a sympathetic hand on his friend's shoulder and Rodney flinches involuntarily.

"Let's get him up on the bed" Carson tells John with a determined look. To Rodney he says softly, "You ready, lad?"

Rodney looks to John and he nods. Reaching down to pull Rodney out of the chair, Carson and John time it and lift Rodney smoothly. Carson moves the wheelchair and places a regular chair on the far side of the bed.

He tells John, "You can sit there and hold his hand if you like."

John follows obediently but scoots the chair closer so he can rest his arm comfortably on the gurney. He is so tired, he should really eat something when there is time.

As if reading his mind, Carson hands them both tubes of glucose to help their blood sugar levels.

As Carson takes Rodney's vitals, John feels less floaty and more awake So far, Carson has let Rodney keep the blanket, working around it. Rodney has been given another painkiller and he is sleepy, but he keeps a tight grip on John's hand.

Working on Rodney's feet first, it Carson takes some time to disinfect them, stitch them up and set the toes. After he finishes bandaging them up, he moves onto the arms. Rodney squeezes John's hand tighter when Carson lowers the blanket to look at Rodney's chest.

Carson is tentative and careful as he disinfects the wounds and places bandages. He checks by hand for any broken ribs and gingerly explores Rodney's face.

"I'm going to have to get you under a scanner to be sure…" He mumbles. "All right laddie," Carson tells Rodney, "now comes the hard part."

As Carson waits for a response, John feels Rodney pinching his fingers in a vice grip and give a small whimper.

"I know," Carson is sympathetic, "but it's just you and me and John. I promise I won't hurt you and if you need me to stop, I'll stop."

Rodney sounds anxious but at least he isn't hyperventilating. "What do I have to…"

"Well," Carson pulls out a gown, "first of all, I want you to put this on and get rid of...this" Even though Carson has gloves on his hands, he touches the blanket as if he is going to catch something.

Whipping his hand out of John's, Rodney pulls the blanket closer against himself.

John stands up and takes the gown from Carson, "Here, Mere. I'm going to help you. We'll do it together… I'll pull the gown around you and then we'll get rid of the blanket."

Looking up at John apprehensively, Rodney relents and lifts his in surrender so John can pull the garment around him. John straightens it down and ties the strings in the back. "Okay you ready to get rid of this thing?"

Rodney has a fearful look on his face, so John continues, "We'll wait for you to be ready."

Some of the tension falls from Rodney's shoulders and he relaxes, giving a sad nod.

"Thank God." Carson sighs.

John smoothes the gown all the way down as Carson pulls the blanket away. Rodney nervously clutches at the neck of the hospital gown. Carson lifts the front portion of the bed so Rodney is almost sitting up. Then he moves to the back of the bed and pulls out some stirrups.

"John?" Rodney's face fills with dread.

"I'm here, Mere." John pets Rodney's head, he can feel Rodney starting to hyperventilate again. "Shh, it's okay." he tells him.

Carson moves a lever and the back end of the bed drops off.

"NO!" Rodney screams loudly, "No! No-no-no-no. I'm doing that. That's what they did to me! They had me in a thing like this…"

Waving his hands in panic, Rodney continues to yell, "No! Noooo! Get me off of here! John!"

Immediately John lifts Rodney off of the gurney and places him in the armchair.

"Well," Carson sighs, "I don't know how I'm going to be able to examine you properly without using-"

"We'll find another way." John cuts him off.

"May as well do the scan now." Carson says as he goes to retrieve the wheelchair.

John has an idea and he tells Rodney to wait. He pilfers several pillows from other sections of the infirmary and comes back to Rodney's room with them.

When they get to the scanner, Carson tells John, that he wants him to take a scan too. John goes first and Carson tells him that he looks fine.

"Are they any other wounds other than your hands?" Carson asks when he is done.

"Nope," John tells him bitterly, "just the self inflicted kind…"

"Okay, Rodney. You ready?" Carson asks gently.

Rodney nods in reply and Carson and John lift him up to the scanner. Finally Carson pronounces nothing is broken or cracked, no internal wounds.

John is so relieved; he had been nursing the fear that Rodney was going to end up dying from internal bleeding just like Lyle.

Then John offers his pillows and tells Rodney that he has an idea about how to let Carson treat him. He explains that if Rodney lays on his stomach with pillows propping him up-

"Right." Rodney cuts him off as if the two of them are on a mission solving a problem. "then if I bend my knees forward, that should allow access."

"Yeah." John lifts the edges of his mouth in a wistful smile.

It seems to work best to let Rodney feel in control of the process, so they let him do most of the positioning. John moves to the front of Rodney and offers him his hands.

Rodney takes them gratefully and breathes as if trying to reconcile himself to this exposure, "Ready."

He flinches as Carson touches him and clenches John's hands. "This is really good, Mere. You're doing so good. We're almost through this."

Rodney closes his eyes and makes a sound of discomfort.

"We're almost done." John keeps murmuring.

"Hurts." Rodney squeaks out.

"I'm so sorry, Rodney," Carson apologizes, "I just have to clean, this make sure… This is going to take some time to heal. With a few stitches I don't see any reason why there would be any permanent damage. You're going to feel a pinch from the anesthetic needle-"

Rodney yelps and Carson apologizes, "I'm sorry lad, that's the worst of it. You won't feel a thing now.

After Carson makes a few stitches, he explains, "I'm just going to give you a topical antibiotic ointment now… Okay, there we go. I'm done, now."

Rodney flips over and hugs his knees into his chest. He looks so afraid, John places his long arms around him. Rodney leans his head into John with relief.

"So we're done?" John asks wearily.

"Almost," Carson sounds regretful, "I still to draw blood from you both, I've got to bandage those bloody hands of yours, and get your medication before you can get back to your... "

"Come to think of it," Carson cocks his head at John, "where are you going? You don't have quarters here any more."

Sleepily rubs an eye John, answering without pause, "Rodney's." Then he wonders how Carson knows he doesn't have quarters anymore… Rodney must have told him.

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* * *

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Carson looks at Rodney with curiosity. Is this closeness due to the extreme trauma, the need for comfort… Or has Rodney finally gotten what he wanted from John? He can't be sure.

"Well, I suppose you can stay in his quarters in the meantime." Carson says hesitantly. "But Rodney is going to need to stay in the infirmary for wee bit while he recovers."

Rodney gives John a grave look and shakes his head.

John translates, "Rodney wants you to know that there is no way in hell he is going to stay here. He's going back to his quarters tonight."

"He's going to need daily care and treatment," Carson shakes his head,

"Then I'll help" John asserts forcefully, "Whatever it takes. You can check up on him there and take care of the things I can't do."

Carson sighs dramatically, "The medical staff here can provide round the clock medical supervision, they're trained to"

"I can do it." John growls, "I'm taking care of Rodney and that's final. There's no way he'll accept staying here."

Carson takes in the determined and terrified look on Rodney's face as he speaks up, "I'll crawl out of here on my hands and knees if I have to Carson. I can't face anyone right now. I can't have them know-"

Rodney's voice cracks, "Unless you plan to keep me tied up like they did, you can't stop me."

"Alright, Rodney." Carson relents. He turns to John, "I'll need check on on him regularly. This is going to be full time job for the next for next few weeks. Unless you're really prepared to-"

"I can do this Caron!" John says in exasperation.

"For now, I guess we'll see. You can't get any of the bandages wet, Ill need to change them every day and make sure the stitches are healing properly. If he moves around to much, they could be torn..." Carson trails off for a moment. "I'll have to show you how to change the IV fluids, admits the medications on strict regimen."

"I can do this." John eyes resolute and haunted with lines of grief.

Against his better judgement, Carson gives John detailed instructions as he finishes cleaning and disinfecting Rodney. He draws blood and bandages John's hands, then he moves on to the medication writing out a schedule for the antibiotic pills, ointments, and regimen for pain pills.

"Are we done? We finally going to be able to sleep?" John asks.

"No," Carson takes him aside, "I need to talk to you."

He hands John a stack of power bars and shifts his weight trying to think of what he wants to say, "I suppose it's your good luck that Rodney was too lazy to pack up most of his stuff himself… so the place is mostly intact…"

"Okay." John seems puzzled.

"It's just…" Carson spits it what is on his mind, "Please, be careful with my friend… He's very, very fragile right now… I don't want to see him hurt any more than he already has been."

John looks kind and solemn, with an openness to his expression that Carson doesn't think he's seen before. He tells Carson sincerely, "I will take immense with care him, I promise."

Maybe he has misjudged John's intentions before. Carson smiles, "Good. Okay, just so we understand each other."

Nodding soberly, John doesn't seem to begrudge Carson his protectiveness, "I promise I won't give you any cause to doubt me."

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	91. Dignity's overrated

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John and Rodney devour the powerbars as John wheels him to the transport. No one is awake to question them as they make the final leg of the journey. John opens the door with his mind and it obeys as it always does.

The room is bare, boxes are stacked along the wall. The bed, Rodney's luxurious king sized bed, is also bare. No rest yet.

"Rodney?" It somehow sounds foreign now to him to call Rodney by his middle name.

"Oh, yeah." Rodney looks at the room and sounds exhausted.

"Where would the... bedding... be?" John walks into the room staring at the boxes. He tugs at the hospital gown he is wearing, "Clothes?"

Rodney points him in the right direction from his wheelchair and John pulls out the sheets and makes the bed. Rodney wheels himself over before John puts the comforter on.

"Sheets." He mumbles.

"Yeah. Sheets." John looks at him quizzically.

"I mean… military." Rodney moves his hand over the taut surface, he looks at John sleepily with a tiny smile.

"Yeah," John grins and runs his hand over the smooth surface, "it's nice to have a well made bed, isn't it?"

"Just gonna get messed up again anyway." Rodney gives a tiny shrug with a hint of playfulness.

Fluffing the pillows and spreading the comforter, John folds down an edge for Rodney. He reaches down and lifts Rodney up onto the bed.

He thinks through the instructions. Rodney has had all his medications for tonight… unless he is in pain and needs- "Mere, do you need any pain medication right now?"

Rodney shakes his head. Right, he has already had two injections tonight.

"Okay." John nods. He moves to fetch some clothes. He puts on a silly shirt that says 'I'm with Genius' and has a big arrow pointed up toward the head of the wearer. It is too short on John's long body and leaves a few inches of his lower chest exposed. John finds some boxers and they fit well enough.

He brings back a T-shirt and boxers for Rodney. Sitting on the bed John strokes the sides of Rodney's arms. He lets his hand rest on Rodney's shoulders, "Mere?"

Lifting up his arms, Rodney lets John pull off the gown. He waits with his arms outstretched until John pulls a soft cotton shirt over him.

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* * *

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Leaning back onto the pillow without direction, Rodney gives John access to pull the boxers onto him. After they are on Rodney has a thought, Funny, he probably could have done that part himself. He has gotten so used to John tending to him, it seems like John has too.

Rodney won't make him dress him again. He will try to do as much for himself as he can, he doesn't want to be a burden. He doesn't want John to leave. John makes him feel safe, like he is safe enough. He makes Rodney doubt that he is as worthless as he feels. Rodney would do anything to keep John from leaving him.

John turns off the lights and Rodney's eyes adjust to the moonlight. He sees John looking back at him with love in his eyes. Rodney longs to be closer to him and he moves towards John. But John is already there, taking Rodney in his arms. They fit together like their bodies have always known each other. Their legs intertwine and they hold onto each other, breathing softly into the embrace.

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* * *

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John pulls Rodney in as he buries his face in John's neck "Is it really over?" Rodney whispers.

"It's over, Mere." John's hands pet Rodney's back and stroke the back of his neck, "I'll keep you safe. With me."

Rodney moans, pained or relieved, John cannot tell. He can feel his lashes brush against the side of Rodney's face when he blinks. He is overwhelmed with the tidal pull in his heart, the force of love is so strong.

"You give the best hugs." Rodney murmurs sleepily.

John smiles and moves his face closer, brushing against Rodney's neck. "because I love you."

Rodney mumbles something but John can't make it out. He is dreamy from the medication and almost unconscious now.

But John stays awake for hours, he has too much stress in his system to let his tired body catch up. Having Rodney here, safe, in his arms, is melting away the tension, though.

For some time clings tightly to John. As the hours pass, Rodney relaxes in his sleep and lets himself drape over John. John's eyes tired and red from lack of rest but he cannot let his guard down. He can't fail Rodney again; He lightly caresses the side of Rodney's face that is less swollen and steals himself for a sleepless night.

The dim light of morning sun begins to lick at the edge of the horizon, John finally lets himself close his eyes, just to let them rest for a little while.

Suddenly John starts awake, realizing he has let himself drift off. It's early, the sun is fresh in the sky and still hazy.

Rodney still has his arm over John's chest but he has mostly rolled to side and seems to be sleeping heavily. Rodney never wakes up early, it would be a good time to try to get him something to eat.

Not wanting to leave him alone even for few moments, John bites his lower lip and places his hand over Rodney's and watching him carefully.

He cautiously lifts Rodney's arm and leans over him whispering, "Just going to get you some food, "Mere… Be right back."

Rodney stays sound asleep as John twists himself out from the bed. As quickly as he can, he showers and finds something basic and black that almost fits him. He is going to have to borrow some clothes from Ronan, if this goes on much longer. He leaves a note for Rodney just in case he wakes before John gets back.

On the way to the mess hall, he runs into Woolsey. That's right, he forgot Woolsey is always up at crack of dawn.

Woolsey gives a consoling look, "I heard about what happened. From Colonel Carter and Dr. Beckett."  
Woolsey is always up bright and early. John finds him in his office and

John presses his lips together, unsure of what to say.

I've put you both on medical leave, pending Dr. Beckett's medical review." Woolsey tells him."

"I guess I'm back, then." John nods and smiles with a bit of a grimace.

"I hope so." Woolsey smiles tightly.

"Wouldn't know where else to go." John shrugs.

"Not exactly a rousing endorsement," Woolsey's mouth twists down slightly, "but I'll take what I can get."

"I'm going to need some quarters, though." John lifts a finger.

"Of course." Woolsey agrees.

"And I'm going to want them to be the ones next door to Rodney… I'm going to be tending to a lot of his medical recovery, so…"

"Well, those are some of the biggest, most coveted rooms, complete with balconies, but I suppose we can move whoever is there, for our returning military commander." Woolsey adds, "Your things were recovered from the motel and should be arriving in a day or two. I'll try to have your room ready by then."

"I appreciate it." John closes his eyes in a brief nod.

"Don't mention it." Woolsey says in voice that sounds like forced cheerfulness.

"I, uh," John gestures to the door, "I, gotta go get McKay some food."

It is easy to skirt around the few people who come to the cafeteria this early. None of them probably even knew he was gone, so he avoids conversation easily. John loads up everything he can find onto several trays and gets some of the MRE rations Rodney likes on the way back to the room. Thankfully, he is still out when John gets back.

John strips out of the uncomfortable outfit and back into the 'I'm with genius' T-shirt and boxers. Petting Rodney's shoulder so he won't be startled by John's movement, he climbs back into bed.

"Mmm." Rodney makes a noise, and to wrap his arms around John again.

For a moment, John surrenders into the sweetness of the embrace. Rodney makes him forget everything, every pain, every fear, it all just slips away into lightheaded intoxication. There were a few times that they had held each other over the years, but it had always been so cautious, timed with a valid excuse.

Living through this trauma, having Rodney alive… it is such a relief. Wrapping his body completely around Rodney, he moves his hands over Rodney's back with familiarity. Despite his mental anguish John feels a kind of peaceful happiness.

He'd never told Rodney how he felt before and everything is known now. There is no reason to hold back. Even if Rodney doesn't feel quite the same, John knows Rodney felt something for him, enough to break things off with Jennifer. Maybe one day…

"I love you so much" John whispers as he takes in another shallow dizzying breath. He lets his lips trace across Rodney's neck, closes his eyes and lets finally lets himself sleep.

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* * *

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John wakes to the sensation of Rodney shaking violently in his arms.

"No! Please, no! Please, please. Agggghhhh!"

"Mere." John shakes Rodney hard, "Mere. Wake up. You're okay now. Mere."

Rodney sits up wildly his eyes darting around the room, still trembling. He shakes his head in dread, "No. No. No-o."

Squirming out of John's arms, Rodney throws himself out of the bed, crawling towards the bathroom on his hands and knees.

"Rodney! your stitches!" John leaps out after him and tries to reach for him,

But Rodney waves his hand back at him, "Mmmh. Toilet."

John helps him the rest of the way to the toilet and Rodney immediaitly grabs the seat with his hands and wretches violently into the bowl. John wets a washcloth and sidles himself up around Rodney. Rodney is still gripping the bowl shaking with his mouth open.

As he dry heaves, and John places the cool towel on his neck, "Okay. Okay. I'm here Mere. It's okay."

Shaking his head and lurching forward, Rodney spills the contents of his stomach again. John didn't think there was even anything in there. He wipes Rodney's brow and forehead wondering if he should call Carson and admit he's already fucked up. Rodney looks so ill but the bandages on his feet show no signs of bleeding.

Rodney spits and gags a few more times. Then he drops his head again. John thinks he is going to throw up again and pets his back reassuringly.

"I want to die… I just want to die. I don't want to be here anymore." Rodney says flatly.

John stiffens in fear and holds onto Rodney's shoulders firmly, "Well, I'm sorry, I can't let you go."

"I'm disgusting…" Rodney keeps his head lowered in shame, speaking into the bowl, "worthless… doesn't matter. I don't want to be this way anymore."

"None of that is true." John lifts Rodney upright fiercely, "I need you, Rodney. I love and I can't lose you."

As he wipes Rodney's swollen mouth, John's voice takes on the edge of a commander, "I'm sorry, but I won't let you go. You're stuck with me, remember?"

"...disgusting." Rodney stares at John numbly.

"No," John stares back with intensity, his voice softens as he continues cleaning Rodney's puffy face. "No, you're not."

One of the eyes is very bruised and the skin is tight and swelling around it.

John wipes the tears leaking from Rodney's eyes. "Mere… I need you." His heart lurches in fear at the thought of losing Rodney "Please, I need you… You're… my love." John pleads.

"I can't. Oh, God. I can't." Rodney shakes his head but reaches out for John with a sob.

"Shhh. Okay." John holds him and rocking him and petting him tenderly, "You don't have to do it alone. We'll get through this together."

"I don't know if I can." Rodney's body collapses into him.

"If you get to a part you can't do yourself, then I'll figure out a way to do it for you, okay?" He hold Rodney's shaking head in hands, "Like now... You thought you were going to have the dignity of throwing up alone…. but I made sure that didn't happen, right?"

Rodney makes a noise that almost sounds like a laugh.

John leans back from the embrace to see Rodney's expression, his eyes are wide and his face is streaked with tears. He smiles lightly and cups the side of Rodney's face, "See? I can come in handy sometimes."

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* * *

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Rodney's body goes limp. Can John still really love him, after all this? It seems impossible.

"I brought you some food-" John tells him, but Rodney shakes his head at the thought.

"Still feel sick?" John asks.

Rodney nods.

"You know, it is my job to make sure that you eat and take your medication…. at some point" John admits.

For a moment Rodney opens his mouth to make some kind of sarcastic quip but he feels too dejected to manage.

"How about we get you cleaned up first, and then see if you can eat?" John asks.

"So much for dignity." Rodney looks back at him sadly.

John kisses him chastely on this good cheek. He hold his lips there for a few breaths and whispers, "Dignity's overrated."

Rodney gives in. John could always make him do anything he wanted. He's always had that kind of power over Rodney. It's scary just how much power John has had over him. He's always tried to hide that fact from John… to have him know just how much…

"I need to use the toilet again- And this time, I can do it on my own." Rodney says with a bit embarrassment.

"I don't know…" John gives him a doubtful look, "If I leave you in here alone are you going to try to end it all?" He adds playfully, "You know, just cause that would look very bad for me, as a commanding officer and all."

Rodney gives him a withering look as John cleans the toilet and insists on lifting him onto the seat. Rodney would give anything for a shed dignity right now.

Finally John gives him some privacy, telling him on the way out, "I'll give you 2 minutes and then I'm coming back in. I don't care in if you're in the middle of crap, I'm-"

"I'm not taking a-" Rodney flushes red, "You know what? Just, just go."

When John comes back into the bathroom he has some kind basin with him and some extra towels in his hands. He wonders what John has in mind.

"See I had this idea," Johns lays a large towel down on the bathroom floor and then folds some of the towels into rolls, "that if you lay down with some of these supporting your back, Then I could lean your head back into the basin…"

Right. The stitches. He'd forgotten that he isn't allowed to shower properly.

He offers Rodney a towel and Rodney frowns Rodney frowns, "They're just going to get wet."

John gives him leary look, "I think we'll manage if they do."

He insists on helping Rodney get out his clothes to keep him from moving too much. Rodney hugs his bandaged chest protectively as John helps him out of his boxers.

"Here. Give me your arm." John is saying as he pulls it over his shoulder.

Rodney sighs as John places a strong arm under Rodney's knees and bends him down to lie flat on the pile of towels. It's actually less unpleasant than he thought it would be. He wonders where John got the basin. Probably from the kitchen. It is more comfortable to bend his knees so, he lets his bandaged feet rest lightly on the floor.

John sits by head with a basin full of warm water and runs his hand softly over Rodney's brow, "You okay, Mere?"

Rodney blinks and points to a bottle in the shower; he uses a bossy tone to cover his embarrassment, "Use that one… Yeah, that one. It's better for my skin."

"What about shampoo?" John asks.

Rodney points to his combo shampoo and conditioner to John, "It's not hypoallergenic like the body wash but, you know, but ah, it doesn't irritate my skin."

"Right." John gives him a half smile with that mocking look of his but his eyes are full of tenderness.

John returns to sit by Rodney's head with his knees supporting him. He eases Rodney's neck so so that his head falls comfortably back into the water.

As John's fingers lightly massage his scalp, Rodney feels himself relax. He wonders if this is what it's like when women go to the salon. It is so soothing it feels like he could fall asleep again.

John takes his time before fingering some shampoo through wet Rodney's hair and washing it out. Rodney makes a contented noise. He whispers to Rodney the has to get some clean water so Rodney tries to sit up. But John stops him and props him in place some with towels.

When he returns, John takes Rodney's head onto his lap and begins washing his skin with a warm washcloth. Rodney can smell his body wash and is pleasantly relaxed. So far this has been less undignifying than he thought it would be. He hugs his bandaged wrists over the bandages on his chest. John is making soothing circles with damp cloth careful not to let any moisture get on the bandages.

Rodney lets his arms drop to the side as John makes his way down his shoulders and chest, to his arms and the edges of the bandages on his wrists. John even takes his time washing and massaging Rodney's hands.

Then John nudges Rodney to let him know to sit up and Rodney complies as John washes his back. When he has finished, John tugs Rodney's shoulders to let him know to lie back down.

His head falls drowsily back onto the towel roll. Rodney is surprised to realize that he doesn't feel afraid anymore. He relaxes as John works his way down his body washing everything until he reaches the bandaged feet.

"Okay, Mere," John encourages him, "just a little bit left. Can you turn over for me?"

Flipping onto his stomach, Rodney hugs onto a rolled towel as John gently washes his lower back and ass. John is making it feel good, turning it into a full back massage and Rodney closes his eyes. It reminds him of the massage John gave Rodney when he was under the influence of the enzyme. Really not that different at all.

John takes his time, rubbing out any tension in Rodney's back and running his fingers gently over the skin worshipfully. Rodney wouldn't have thought John would touch him that way when he was in his right mind, especially not now.

"Mere?" John pulls something from his pocket, "I have this cream here that Carson gave me. Do you want me to put it on?"

Rodney wonders of he could manage on his own without making a mess of the bandages on his wrist. Probably. But he is too tired to try and John is here.

"Okay." He mumbles, then feels a cool finger, some kind of gel, soothing the burning pain around his hole. It isn't the stitches that hurt so much, there are just a few of them. The gel eases the stinging skin around them it does nothing stop the pain deeper inside...

"Am I hurting you?" John asks hesitantly.

"Hmm-Mmm." Rodney, mumbles into the towel, "Feels better. Mostly it hurts inside."

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* * *

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John winces in anger, glad Rodney can't see him. He might think John was disgusted by him, rather than murderous of the men who had hurt him. John finishes applying the ointment and tells Rodney to turn back over.

He moves the support towels into place, and Rodney rests his head back in his lap. Getting rid of the excess moisture, John bunches up the towel on Rodney's head. Then he runs his fingers over Rodney's scalp, massaging him again.

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* * *

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Rodney sighs let himself lean back as John plays with his hair, petting his head. It is so soothing. Rodney smells something familiar. Oh, his face moisturizer.

He feels John's fingers run delicately across his face and smooth it in. He takes special care with Rodney's bruises and swollen lips, which have 2 big splits and many little abrasions.

John's fingertips brush against them reverently. He caresses over Rodney's eyes and jawline. There isn't a speck of Rodney's neck and face that are not tended to. Even after John stops applying the cream, he continues to trace Rodney's face.

Rodney wishes his lips weren't so damaged. He would lean up and kiss John if he could. He doesn't know if John would want to kiss him anymore, not after all those men had stuffed their cocks in his mouth. Disgusting.

He tries not to let the thought of them make him afraid again. Right now it feels so good with John touching him like this. He just wants to feel safe but he begins to tremble anyway.

"All done." John stops and stoops over to kiss Rodney lightly on the forehead.

Fumbling a bit, Rodney sits up. He wishes he didn't have to stay on his knees like this and could just stand up.

"Was that okay, Mere?" John looks over to him hopefully.

If anyone else tried to, he would hate it. Rodney doesn't know why it feels so good when John calls him that. He looks up at John, "It was… It was more than okay. Thank you for… you know."

"Dignity intact?" John asks.

Nodding, Rodney picks up the fresh T-shirt and boxers John set aside for him "It's just, I'm starting to feel scared. ...and I was wondering if you could-"

Before he can finish asking, John drops the bottles and towels he was collecting and is instantly on the floor with his arms wrapped around him . Rodney pulls himself as close as he can John's chest. John makes him feel safe when his arms are wrapped around him like this. When he pets Rodney head that way it feels… Rodney sighs and feels the fear ebbing. John hasn't left his side since this all started. Maybe, he doesn't have to do this alone.

The idea that John might still want be with him someday makes him almost hopeful. Of course, John keeps saying him all kinds of nice things, but Rodney can't help but think it is out of pity. I mean, who would want him anyway? Rodney was pretty worthless to begin with, and after this…

 _'Don't think about it. Don't think about it'_ Rodney stops himself. He wills himself to focus on John instead. When John is with him, Rodney feels loved. The way John touches Rodney, it is hard to feel anything but love.

He holds onto John as tight as he can. And all the fear goes out of him, like a receding tide. Rodney loosens his grip as the bad thoughts fall away.

"It feels better… when you're touching me." Oh, God. He has said too much, Rodney doesn't want to seem too needy, then John will leave again.

"Good thing I like touching you." John rubs his back affectionately, "Think you can eat now?"

"Yeah." Rodney nods, "Food."

"No more crawling," John chides him, "wait for me to get the wheelchair."

Feeling more like himself, Rodney smirks, "No promises."

John helps him get dressed and brings in the chair. He kicks the wheels into a locked position and then lifts Rodney into it. But Rodney stops him before he moves the chair again, "I want to brush my teeth."

"Right. Of course." John pulls the toothpaste and brush down from the cabinet. When he is done, Rodney spits into the sink and John hands him a glass of water to rinse with.

"Food?" John checks before he wheels them out of the bathroom.

"Food" Rodney confers.

He doesn't know how he has made it this long without a proper meal; he is famished. John wheels him back to the main room and sets a tray on Rodney's lap. The lid has kept it somewhat warm. Rodney is pleased to see it is piled with goodies.

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* * *

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Once John sees Rodney eating, he sits down with his own tray, wolfing it down. He and Rodney share a look of understanding as they scarf their food in unison. This is the first time they have eaten, really eaten in days.

"You know…" Rodney speaks with his mouthful, "I could probably get myself in and out of the wheelchair by myself if I really had to."

"Yeah, well," John gives a dry smile and swallows some food before talking, "what do you we just leave that theory untested for the time being."

"Mmm." Rodney keeps eating, "What are you going to do? Take me to the bathroom every time I have to go?"

"We'll figure something out… I'm actually getting quarters soon, so I can-"

John sees the look on Rodney's face and quickly explains, "I'm not going to stay in them. I just made sure that I got assigned the quarters next door. That way if I need to get something, it will be right there." He gestures.

Rodney nods with a tiny frown on his face.

"Mere." John sets his fork down at looks at him intently, "I'm not going anywhere. You and me are going to make it through this together. Besides, I like your bed better."

At that, Rodney's frown disappears and he goes back to eating.

After the meal John suggests they go out on the balcony for some fresh air and Rodney likes the idea. but he seems pensive and uninterested in talking. John stands behind the wheelchair and lightly rubs his shoulders while they take in the ocean view. It is so strange to see the Marin headlands facing them instead of an alien sea in the Pegasus galaxy.

When they get back inside, Rodney convinces him to help devise a system to safely get himself into the wheelchair so he can get out of bed or use the toilet when he needs to. Rodney seems very pleased with his small victory and settles back into the bed with his computer and some the extra food John brought up earlier.

Rodney becomes preoccupied with whatever he is doing on his computer and John takes the opportunity to step out on the balcony where he can make a call and still keep a watchful eye. It is so strange to be able to communicate with a simple cell phone again.

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* * *

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"Hello?" Dave answers the unknown number on his phone brusquely, "Who is this?"

"Uh, it's, uh, me. John."

"John!" Relived to hear from his brother, Dave's tone changes completely, "God. You're okay?"

"I will be," John's voice is gravelly, "I hear thanks to you. I don't don't know how you managed it, but save saved my life -and the life of someone pretty close to me. We wouldn't have lasted much longer."

Dave knows John is talking about Dr. McKay and his breath catches at the thought could have happened that two of them might have died. "You, uh, but you're okay? Are you hurt?"

"I'll be fine" John answers too quickly in a cold voice

"And your friend?"The line goes quiet for a time and Dave waits uncomfortably.

"I hope so." John finally answers.

Dave' stomach sinks, "I promise that I've divested all on Dad's business dealing with the Syndicate. I promise I had no idea until-"

"I believe you" John cuts him off, "Sam said they would would have found us without your help" John pauses and speaks gravely, "I will never forget this".

"Well," Dave presses his lips together thinking about about how little this makes up for the long and scarred past between them, "I'd like to more… I've joined the IOA and I'm trying to-"

"IOA," John groans, "Why?"

"Why not?" Dave asks a little defensively. "I want to help. Is there something I'm missing?"

"Uh." John gives a small laugh, "It's...fine. Just often in pain in my ass that's all."

"Oh." Dave pauses, "Well, I promise not to be pain in your ass."

"Well, you just saved my ass, so there's some flexibility there." offers more amiably.

"Right." Dave smiles.

John continues, "I know we, ah, have a lot of catching up to but I think I need to go back in… and check in on my friend -No. Wait, he's... he's okay. I'm good for a minute more so…"

"No, it's okay, um, I'll let you go" Dave doesn't have much experience being there for his brother, but he wants to change that, "Listen. I know I haven't always been there in the past but… John, I really… If there's anything you need, anything I can do... I mean... I really mean it, anything you need."

"Really? ANYTHING?" John asks in a teasing tone.

"Anything." Dave answers sincerely.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"Um," John doesn't have a lot of experience letting people help him, despite being touched by the offer he answers awkwardly, "That's... That's really…uh, thank you. I might even take you up on that one of these days."

"I hope you do." Dave's voice sounds a bit strained, "I just never knew your job was so dangerous. I've read through some of the reports and, well, there have been so many times I almost lost you and didn't even know it. I don't want to lose you now."

John has spent most of his life taking wild risks without feeling that anyone would care or notice if he has gone. It made it easier somehow. The fact that things feel different Dave now is a bit surreal.

The emotion is uncomfortable for him and John finds himself bantering instead, "Well, all I'm saying is this had better not some master IOA plot to try to keep me in line."

"No." Dave sounds mildly offended.

"Cause, you know," John continues lightheartlely, "that will never work -they've been trying for years."

"No," Dave replies a little stiffly, "The International Advisory needs fresh sources of capital to keep the program alive since the global financial crisis last year. I mean there are other reasons for me to be involved, financial and political..."

"That so?" John asks skeptically amused.

"I'm going to help the IOA structure expand to be more than just an oversight committee for the military. Their plans for R&D development will bring these technologies more quickly to the pubic sphere of use, where they can do the greatest good."

"Mmm." John is demurs, "Right, Dave the humanitarian… Glad to know this has nothing to do with me."

"Well, I didn't say ... but... What if you just think of it like you've got a man on the inside?" Dave offers.

"Sorry, it's just going to take me a while to adjust to the fact that you have the security clearance to talk about this."

"Must run in the family" Dave adds.

John goes quiet thing about is father, "Did Dad get involved with the Syndicate because if me?"

"I don't think so, "Dave answers, "from what I can tell, his involvement predated the Atlantis expedition by a number of years."

"But that means he knew what I was up to… He could have been reading my mission reports…"

"Probably."

"God, that is so weird."

"I know." Dave says slowly and deliberately, "Imagine how I feel. I was just looking into some hidden profit margins, after Dad passed, and now end up finding out space aliens are real thing."

Dave pauses, "Are you, are you really safe now? I mean I know the SGC has closed down the companies involves seized the assets but some of them could still be out there."

"We're safe in Atlantis. And we'll get these guys." John feels the rage in his chest, "We'll get all of them. We've nearly destroyed their sister organization The Trust, and we'll get them too. They can't hide in the shadows now. They won't be anyplace they can hide now."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Dave is chilled by the tone of John's voice. He sounds more like a hardened killer than soldier right now. Maybe the two things are closer together than he thought.

It's one thing to have a board eating out of his hand for a corporate takeover but Dave couldn't ever imagine firing a gun.

"Be careful, John .Let me know if-" Dave pauses and asserts himself more clearly, "Let he know WHEN you need something."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Once goes back inside, John sees Rodney has dozed off from his last round of painkillers and he joins him for a much needed nap. He needs to hold Rodney right now and keep him safe.

Rodney moves sleepily in response to John's' presence and pulls himself closer to rest his head on John's shoulder. his leg tangles with John's and his hand says a little over John's chest.

Feeling the tension drain out of him, John lets his lips rest on the crown of Rodney's head. He curls his fingers around Rodney's hand on his chest, weaving slowly in and out, trailing his fingertips lightly.

.  
.


	92. Come back to me

.  
.

Carson is concerned when no one answers Rodney's door. There is nowhere else the two of them could be. He uses his medical override to gain entry and walks in with his medical kit.

John and Rodney are asleep on the bed, curled up together. It is really charming and innocent looking scene. They both look happy and younger in their expressions. Carson can smell bath products in the air, Rodney looks clean and his bandages are dry.

The two of them are nestled together; Rodney looks completely at ease with his body wrapped over John's and his head on John's shoulder. John's posture is protective, bending slightly forward and around Rodney.

He hates to wake them, he knows the have been through hell. He leans over, whispering, "Listen lads, I just got the check the bandages."

John jumps as he wakes up, looking at Carson startled. Rodney remains where he is, lazy from the painkillers.

"Ah…" John whispers up at Carson, "I, uh, promise I'm taking good care of him."

"Seems that way." Caron smiles.

John relaxes and stays where he is, with Rodney holding onto him.

"I didn't know that you cared for him so much, I'm glad, for Rodney's sake." Carson says softly.

"Of course I…" John looks up at Carson and sadly, "I love him."

Carson finds John's confession somewhat startling but as he observes John's expression, he doesn't ask for further explanation. The depth of feeling is written plainly on John's face.

Everything Carson knows about the two of them he has heard from Rodney, and Rodney never seemed to have the slightest inkling that John felt this way. He has always urged Rodney to let go of his feelings for John because he didn't think John had treated him well enough.

But now, maybe things are different. At the very least, Carson wants to respect Rodney's feelings -and Rodney clearly only wants John right now.

.  
.

* * *

.

.

"Mere," John squeezes Rodney's hand and murmurs, "Carson is here to check on you. You want to sit up?"

Reluctantly Rodney opens his eyes and pulls himself off of John, propping himself up on a pillow as Carson begins patiently replaceing his dressings.

Getting up to look at Rodney's feet, John remarks, "Did a great job on the stitching there Carson." He tells at Rodney, "Mere, these are going to heal up real nice."

This whole thing is so embarrassing and humiliating. Rodney nods, he hates being on display. But he grits his way through the examination and tells Carson that he is in too much pain. The medication isn't enough and he also needs some sleeping pills to help him the nightmares.

Carson explains that he doesn't have anything on him right now but John quickly jumps in and tells Carson he can pick them on his way to the mess hall to get more food. Carson agrees to have them ready as soon as he can and sees Rodney off.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John sees more people in the mess hall for lunch. He spies Teyla and Ronan. They are both staring at him intensely from a table across the hall, looking at him like like they are waiting for answers. He dumps off the old trays and loads up a couple of new ones before sitting down with them to say explain himself.

"John?" Teyla look confused.

"Yeah." John pushes his lips together, "Sorry about..."

"We are just happy to see that you are back." She tells him calmly.

"Are you back?" Ronan asks.

"Yeah." John rubs the back of his neck, "Pretty much. On medical leave though."

"Are you are okay?" Teyla's face is concerned; she notices the state of his hands, since John had removed the gauze this morning.

"I'm okay…" John looks around the room nervously frowning, his voice is low, "Rodney's not. I'm… going to be looking after him for a while. I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to, uh, try to come visit him. He's gonna need a couple weeks… or so."

Ronan has a dark look on his face and Teyla's is wide with compassion.

She asks, "John, is he... going to be okay?"

John lowers his eyes and whispers, "Physically, yeah, eventually. I'll let you know."

"I'm sorry John," Ronan looks at him gravely, "whatever went down, it sounds rough."

"Look," John nods and tells them, "I should probably get these back."

Teyla nods in approval and John makes his way out. Before he gets to the transporter, Woolsey catches up with him and tells him that the room is empty. It is officially John's, although his personal things won't arrive until tomorrow. John thanks him and makes his way back to Rodney.

Rodney is hungry and curious about his new meds. That's when John realizes he forgot to pick them up. He sets up Rodney with with his food and heads back out to the infirmary to pick up the meds.

God. He can't wait to get his own clothes back, Rodney's too short and unforgettable on him. As he entersinto the infirmary, John sees Jennifer. She gives him a strange look.

While Carson gives him the medications, she walks over to them, "I saw that these medications have Rodney's name on them. Is he back? Is he okay?"

"Jennifer," Carson answers uncomfortably "He's my patient, I'm sorry, that's confidential."

Taking the meds, John leaves Carson to explain, or rather not explain the situation to her.

Rodney is pleased by the higher dose and thanks John through a mouthful of food as her takes some more pain meds..

The rest of their day involves a movie, a lot of cuddling, dinner and more cuddling. Rodney seems pretty out of it from the pain meds and when he takes a sleep pill, he is out like a light.

John feels soothed by Rodney's presence but he tosses and turns with his own dark dreams. He finally feels like he is escaping them them off and falling into deeper sleep, when Rodney begins to shake violently.

"AAAAHHHHH! No! Mph. M-no. Please-please." Rodney sobs in his sleep and John pulls him into sitting position, crushing him in his arms.

"Mere, Mere. I'm here. We're safe. Wake up, Mere."

Opening his eyes, Rodney whimpers, "I'm going to be sick."

"Put your hands around my neck hang on, I'll carry you."

Letting John scoop him up, Rodney clasps his hands around his neck. Once John has set him down, he gets on his knees leans over into the toilet to retches up most of his food.

The sound is violent, like Rodney is trying to get everything they did to him out. He keeps heaving long after his stomach is empty. Rodney's body is slick with sweat. John wipes his neck and brow, offering reassuring words.

When Rodney is done, John gives him a quick sponge bath and a fresh change of clothes. In the morning, he will give Rodney a more thorough washing. He helps Rodney brush his teeth and then carries him back to bed.

"Okay Mere, it's over, it's going to be okay. We can go back to sleep now."

He leans Rodney down onto the pillow and gets another antibiotic, pain, and sleep pill. Worried about Rodney taking these on an empty stomach, he pulls off a chunk of a powerbar and asks Rodney to eat it.

Giving John a weary look, Rodney complies, chewing impatiently then swallowing the pills back the glass of water John gives him. When he is done, Rodney collapses back onto the pillow.

John leans over him, "I'm sorry this is so hard but I'm proud of you."

Rodney makes a scornful face.

He caresses Rodney's head lovingly, "You're doing a good job Mere, it's going to get easier, not worse."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney's lip trembles, he closes his eyes, and swallows the lump in his throat. If he has John, maybe he can do this.

Please John, just please don't leave. Please…

He feels John's strong hand running along his forehead and trailing along his scalp. It moves over in a soothing rhythm. He is so afraid that John will stop, but John stays and hands keep taking the pain away. Rodney sighs and lets himself drift until the medication take effect and returns him to sleep.

.  
.

When Rodney wakes John is leaving over him. He has that bright-eyed and bushy-tailed look about him, like he has been up for hours.

"Morning, Mere." John's eyes and playful and sparkling.

"Why are you so happy?" Rodney blinks to wake himself up and notices some breakfast trays on a dime table.

"I got my clothes today." John wiggles humorously.

Rodney cocks his head. John is wearing one of his sexy black long sleeved black t-shirts. It hugs his slim torso perfectly.

Thinking of his own weak pale body, his softness, Rodney feels disgusting. He has been peeking under the bandages on his wrist. Those are the ones that are going to show the most. Almost all of Rodney's shirts are short-sleeved and he doesn't want to wear them anymore.

In a quiet voice Rodney asks, "John… Can I have one?"

"One what?" John asks attentively.

"Well, when I take this off" Rodney tugs at his wrist bandages, "I don't want people to see the scars… When I get better, can I wear one of your long-sleeved shirts?"

"Of course", John's eyes soften and he touches the side of Rodney's face before reaching down to lightly kiss Rodney's forehead. John's lips linger on Rodney's brow and he whispers, "Anything you want, Mere."

"Now what do you want to do?" John leans up and pets the side of Rodney's face, "Eat or wash?"

Thinking for a minute, Rodney weighs his options. he is hungry his empty stomach growls but he wants John to keep touching him even more, "Wash."

Rodney is content when John takes his time with the bath ritual he had invented yesterday. It could be done much faster but John takes time to massage him and ghost his fingers over his skin. Rodney never wants it to stop.

He is starving when he emerges, washed from hair to ankles and well moisturized. Rodney eats and takes a couple extra painkillers when John isn't watching. He makes a mental note to eat a big lunch and skimp on dinner, just in case tonight was going to be anything like the last two.

When Carson visits Rodney tells him about the vomiting and complaints that he needs a stronger sleep aid. Carson says he will prescribe something stronger for sleep as well as an anti-nausea medication.

For a while, he lies on the bed letting John hold him, relieved to have him close. Again he lets himself drift off with and falls asleep on John's shoulder.

But when Rodney wakes up, he is alone in the room. His chest seizes with terror as he sits up. What if John has left and isn't coming back?

Why has he let himself depend on John? Rodney starts to hyperventilate. He hates being this helpless….

Anyway, John doesn't really care, he just feels sorry for Rodney. And John always leaves him in the end… He knows this.

In the end, Rodney will have nothing left, except this terror and fear… the knowledge of how repulsive he truly is.

He has to get out, out of his own skin. Rodney tries to catch his breath and looks out the large panel to the balcony. He can't keep living like this… There is a way out, just outside the door.

It's not the first time Rodney has thought about it, but he was never in this much pain before. John would understand if he knew how much it hurt. The lack of air in his lungs is making Rodney too dizzy and he falls back into the bed.

Oh God, God, please make it stop. Please… He curls into to himself shaking. He can't stand the feeling of his own hands against his own skin, it makes him feel sick.

No, no, no, he has to get away. He can't do this, he can't… Rodney claws at his arms and face, it doesn't help. Oh God. Rodney sobs pathetically and chokes trying to breath.

The lack of air starts to make him feel numb. But his is good, this is something. Rodney reaches for the feeling inside himself… So cold and distant. Away. Far away, where he wants to be. He will hold onto this until he strong enough to end it.

He will just try to hold in until then, a few days, maybe a week. That's all he has to live through. It could be sooner… Rodney fees exhilarated by the thought. Could he do it now? Crawl over to the door and out onto the balcony?

If he takes extra painkillers, he could stand on his feet and step over the railing. After that, all he would have to do is let go. But Rodney's body doesn't move, it feels wooden and heavy. He feels so far away, he has lost the ability to move at al.

When he hears the sound of the door opening from the hall, it takes him some time to register that John is back in the room. He hears more sound and realizes that John has been talking to him. John should just go, leave Rodney alone.

"Mere!" John shaking his body, but he is too sluggish to respond.

"Mmm."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John lifts Rodney up to lean against the headboard, his body is limp and easy to move. Rodney stares dully past John's shoulder.

"Mere?" He pets Rodney's head, "Can you come back to me? Where are you?"

Something is wrong. Rodney's shoulders stoop and his head leans down. He acting like he in shock.

"Shh. Okay. It's okay Mere. I'm right here." John stokes Rodney's face.

"Mmm."

"Okay. Good enough. I'm going to put this tray on your lap, and I really, really, want you eat some of it… Okay, Mere?"

He places the food on Rodney's lap and presses a fork onto Rodney's hand. Rodney keeps ahold it once John lets go, but he doesn't move.

"I know you can hear me, Mere, so, I want you to fight this. I want you to eat right now. If you can't do it I'll help you."

Groaning, Rodney moves the fork to the food without really looking at. He lifts a small bite to his mouth and swallows.

"That's good. Keep it up."

Then Rodney's gaze falls to the platter in front of him, he just stares at it in confusion. John is about to urge him in when Rodney takes another bite voluntarily. He picks at the plate slowly, eating less a third it, before dropping the fork onto the tray in surrender. He stares out of the balcony window with a blank expression.

John puts the tray to the side and slides onto the bed. Rodney keeps staring out the window instead of curling into John. He reaches his hands out trepidatiously to touch Rodney's shoulders and arms. He runs his hands slowly up and down.

"We should watch a movie." John says hoping to interest him.

Rodney remains in his catatonic state.

"A movie would be good, wouldn't it?"

He grabs Rodney's laptop and punches in the password. At least Rodney isn't interrogating him about how John knows what it is. He flips through the database and selects one of Rodney's favorites.

"How about Galaxy Quest?"

Setting up the screen so that it is within Rodney's line of sight, John starts the film. He huddles back onto the bed and wraps his arms around Rodney. He can feel Rodney rocking ever so slightly, he seems so far away, like he doesn't even know John is here.

As the film plays, John watches Rodney with growing concern. He seems like he has retreated from reality completely. His anxiety grows as Rodney continues to stays numb and distant throughout the evening, scarcely noticing when the movie is over.

John feels frozen and afraid. He is doing something wrong, he is sure of it, but he doesn't want to call Carson and admit that he has failed. Maybe if he can just Rodney through the night, this will pass.

Staring off in the distance, Rodney lets John help him get ready for bed, John gives Rodney one of his long black tee-shirts and pulls it over his head. Rodney seems oblivious.

Undressing quickly, John pulls on a fresh T-shirt and boxers and helps Rodney under the covers. Then he pulls Rodney onto his chest and holds him close. Rodney's body is limp and unresponsive. John's chest is getting tighter, and tighter. He feels the stress and tension mounting but he stands guard over Rodney until he hears the sound of his breathing change. It gets heavy and low, like Rodney is sleeping and John finally allows himself to relax.

Then he is awake in a bolt of panic, Rodney is screaming. He is convulsing like he is going to be sick.

John pulls him out of bed and Rodney holds his arms around John's neck as he carries him to the bathroom and lurches forward to grab the toilet. It sounds like Rodney's insides are being pulled out of him as he chokes and heaves violently.

Tending to him as best he, John tries to soothe him with a cool washcloth. When Rodney's heaving becomes dry and ineffectual John flushes the commode and pulls Rodney away, wiping his face tenderly with the damp cloth.

Suddenly Rodney looks up at John, his eyes focused and clear with terror, "Don't let them take me again, John… Please, don't let them take me…"

"No. No, Mere, I won't." John holds Rodney's face in his hands, "No one is going to take you, I promise. I won't ever let anyone hurt you again."

"I can't do this." Rodney releases his head down onto to John's chest and begins to cry mutely, "I can't…"

John holds Rodney close as Rodney rends his hands, clutching into John's shirt.

"Please… can't."

"Shh… Shh… You're safe now. It's all over. I've got you, Mere."

Rodney shakes his head against John's chest like he can't believe it.

"Give me your arms, Mere. I want to carry you back to bed."

"Teeth first." Rodney gulps.

"Right, right." But John stays on the ground, holding Rodney for a long time, just holding him and telling him how much he loves him.

He waits until Rodney's breathing returns to normal and he stops crying, then John gently pushes himself up and retrieves a cup of water and a toothbrush already prepped. Rodney brushes his teeth spits the rinse into the toilet.

After Rodney has finished, John bends down next to Rodney, "Okay, Mere. You ready for me to take you back to bed? Let me hold you and make you feel safe again."

"Yes…" Rodney looks up at John with love and trust in his eyes, nodding, "Safe... In your arms."

He carries Rodney back to bed and holds him tenderly, "I love you so much, Mere. I promise. No one is going to hurt you now."

"We're going to be okay, Mere." John sways his hand over Rodney's brow, "We're going to make it through this… just stay with me, okay?"

Rodney nods and pulls closer into John.

"I love you, Mere." John keeps whispering reassurances and petting Rodney until he finally falls asleep.

.  
.

John wakes up late, exhausted and with a headache. Rodney is still sleeping soundly and he uses the opportunity to go get them breakfast in the cafeteria. Rodney wakes upon John's return and he is relived to see Rodney's eyes appearing clear and focused.

"Mere?"

"Mmm."

"I brought breakfast-"

"Good I'm really hungry, I need to eat now."

As Rodney wolfs down his food, John grins with relief. He digs into his own plate with relish, since he missed dinner last night.

After the meal, Rodney is very affectionate with John, cuddling with him on the bed trailing his fingers along John's face.

"Is it time for my spa yet?" Rodney asks.

"Your what?"

"In the bathroom, you know, when you massage me and wash my hair and-"

"Oh, a day spa, is it?" John chuckles with his face buried in Rodney's neck, "Yeah, I can book you for, say, a 10 o'clock session?"

"I want you to keep touching me." Rodney runs his hands across John's chest, "I feel safe when you're touching me."

"I can do that, Mere." John smooths his hands over Rodney and kisses his neck.

"Mmm… I love it when you… Mmm…"

"Me too." John murmurs as Rodney's fingertips trail over him.

The affection from Rodney continues as John gives him his sponge ba-, his spa treatment. Rodney reaches up to caress John's face while he massages his head, Rodney's fingers follow John as he washes Rodney's skin. John slows down the movements and makes everything last as long he can. It feels amazing to have Rodney here, so present with him after yesterday's episode.

Gently brushing his hands over Rodney's face and neck, John finishes up with a moisturizer.

"That feels so good." Rodney's sighs with his head in John's lap. "One day I'll do it for you."

John feels a deep surge of love and happiness thinking about the day when Rodney will be well to do that. He bends down to kiss Rodney's forehead. When he lifts his head, he sees Rodney's eyes shining back at him.

"I will." Rodney reaches his hand back to touch John's jawline, "Once I can move around okay again, I'll give you a spa treatment."

"Looking forward to that." John smiles.

"Mmm…" Rodney closes his eyes, "I'm so relaxed, I just wanna go back to bed… Didn't sleep last night hardly at all."

"We can do that." John smiles, "We can do whatever you want. We're on leave."

"Mmm."

It doesn't take long for Rodney to fall asleep once they are cuddled up back in the bed. This giant bed is perfect for cuddling, John's never been in a bed so comfortable in his life. He wonders where Rodney found it.

Watching Rodney, he looks so peaceful right now, John will stand guard no matter how it longs it takes to bring Rodney back and make him safe from all the damage done.

When it is time for lunch, John pets Rodney's arm lightly, "Mere, I'm going to get us something to eat, I'll be right back okay?"

There is no answer. Rodney must be sound asleep. John's movement out of the bed doesn't seem to disturb him.

.  
.

Upon his return, John sees that Rodney is lying in different position, covered by the blanket.

"Hey Mere… I've got lunch."

Rodney stays quiet.

He sets the food down and kicks of his shoes.

"Mere? You awake?"

Then John notices a slight trembling coming from beneath the cover and quickly climbs into bed with Rodney. To make contact, he runs his hands up Rodney's back in a soothing way,

"Mere. I'm here. I'm right here."

Rodney's whole body is shivering.

Reaching his arms around Rodney's chest, he squeezes to try and make it stop. "Talk to me."

He pulls the blankets away and sees Rodney is nearly catatonic. His eyes look dead and dull, he is staring emptily out at nothing.

What should he do? He can't let Rodney suffer like this.

"Mere. Rodney..." John waves his hands in front of Rodney's face, he doesn't seen aware of John's presence.

"What should I do? Please, come back… tell me what you need. Rodney?"

"…McKay!" John starts to feel afraid "Rodney, just come back and tell me… tell me what I'm doing wrong? Just boss me around a little bit… you know, the way you do… That would be… so great, if you can hear me…"

John lays down next to Rodney's shaking body, frightened, he whispers, "Do you want me to call Carson?"

Burying his face into Rodney's neck, John sorrowfully pulls him into a deep hug, "I love you so much. I barely got to tell you that and now… it feels like you're disappearing… I have so much I need to tell you, so much to show you. I can't lose you now. Not after all this. I love you so much."

"Come back to me, please." John begs.

He senses some movement, and looks up and sees Rodney blinking heavily, as if it has taken an effort to be able to find John's words.

"You should go now." Rodney's tongue sounds slurred.

"Well," John sighs with relief and pulls him in tighter, "that's the last fucking thing I'm gong to do."

"No… You did 'nough, 'n lemme alone… Pleeese."

"No, no, no. That's not how this is going to go down. You're stuck with me." John tries to keep him talking, "And what do you even think you are going to do? You can't take of yourself right now… Unless, you want to go back to the infirmary."

"Don't care. What happens s'me. Jus' wanna be left alone."

"Well, no one's going to do that right now, Rodney."

"I hafta, hafta leave… get away."

Rodney stares out the window to the balcony and John's stomach tightens as he realizes what Rodney is thinking about.

"Mere! God, Mere. Don't even think about it -please. I mean, without you… I don't know what to do without you. You can't. You can't leave me."

"I wanna die. You don't need me. Just go 'way, let me go."

In this moment, John knows he can physically keep Rodney safe, away from the balcony or anything else stupid he is thinking about… Oh, God, but if Rodney keeps on like this, John is filled with dread… once you've lost one person like that, the fear is hard to shake. He imagines walking in and finding Rodney, the way he found his mother after she had taken her life so many years ago.

John grabs Rodney and turns him around to face him. "Rodney, don't you know if you do something like this it will kill me?" He is angry and feeling desperate. "Because it will. It will literally kill me. Is that what you want, to destroy me completely? Because if I fail you now… I will follow you to your death. I can't take losing you too."

"No…" Rodney groans, "you should go."

Shaking Rodney by the shoulders, John is adamant, "Damn it. Come back to me, Mere. You can't fucking give up on me. We're supposed to make it through this together. I know it hurts, I know it hurts, Mere. But, but, I'm here. I can't help you if you don't let me. Please… Don't shut me out… Come back to me."

John sees silent tears slipping down Rodney's face, as if he doesn't even notice them. He pulls Rodney into his chest and holds his body as close as he can. After a while, Rodney sighs and goes limp. Passed out, probably. John doesn't move, he won't move –not until Rodney can gotten the chance to rest. His sleep has been so spotty lately. Maybe once Rodney is well rested, he will be thinking more clearly.

Lunch sits on a sideboard, uneaten until the sun goes down.

Finally, Rodney is stirring again.

"Mere?"

"Mmm." Rodney moans.

"Are you awake, now?" John pets his head.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney winces as reality comes crashing back, "Nooo…"

John's arms hold him steady, but there is nothing he can do. Nothing anyone can do. He can't go on like this, so worthless and disgusting. How did he ever think he could live with himself?

Why did he ever try?... The truth has always been the same, he has just tried to run from it, from the ugly things inside him that make him so pathetic… it is so clear now. He can't stand to be inside his own skin anymore, it's too painful, too much. Rodney feels nauseas but his stomach is empty… He gags but nothing comes up.

"Mere? Do you need to-"

Why does John even want to touch him? Rodney pushes John away. He feels so disgusting. But John doesn't let go. Rodney gives up and let's John hold him.

"Why are you still here?" He whimpers,

"Because I love you…" John touches Rodney's face lightly, "And I won't let you go no matter what you say."

"Should let me go."

"Before this happened, you wouldn't let me go." John squeezes him, "And I won't let you go either. I know in your heart, you want me to be here… even if it doesn't seem that way to you now. Once you're seeing things straight, you'll realize that. I know you will…"

Rodney shakes his head sadly, he doesn't know what to think. It is comforting to have John with him, but he doesn't want to be comforted anymore. He just wants to die.

"Okay, Mere. I really worried about you, so I'm going to call Carson now." John reaches for his earpiece on the nightstand.

"Beckett? This is Sheppard. Can you make a house call?"

After a few moments John speaks again, "Now would be good."

John holds Rodney until Carson lets himself in. As Carson makes his way to the bed, John slowly releases his grip, telling him, "Mere. I want you to try to eat if you can. We're just going to talk for a moment."

He hands Rodney a cold tray from the cafeteria and gestures for Carson to join him on the balcony."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John closes the door behind them and stands so that he can watch Rodney's every move; He exhales, "We have a problem…"

"What's wrong?" Carson asks.

"Rodney… He needs to be on suicide watch."

"Oh no. Well, we'll have to move him to a secure location."

"Bad idea." John shakes his head, "You're gonna put him in the isolation room? Or somewhere else where he'll feel scared and have panic attacks, where there will be people he doesn't know or trust?"

"I'll do what I can to make him comfortable," Carson frowns, "but I'll take a panic attacks or two if it means saving his life."

"No." John pleads, "He's too damaged right now to handle that. I have a better idea. Jennifer's got things covered in the infirmary now that she's up and about… I think you and me, we can handle this."

"What?"

"We take shifts. I wouldn't need that much help, I can be with him most of the time. Really, I just need a little help."

"I don't know, John." Carson asks "Has he tried to harm himself or just threatened?"

"Not even threatened really, just talked about his desire to, to die. He's said it a couple times; at first I hoped it will a passing mood, but today… Today he really scared me."

"If he becomes in imminent threat to himself then will have to-"

"I know. I know, but we can keep it from getting to that point. We can do this for him, Carson." John elaborates, "Look, we get everything out of the room that could be a problem… razors, sharp objects… We put a old fashioned lock on the balcony door, nothing he can hack-"

"It would still be a risk." Carson argues.

"Not if someone is always with him. And that's what he needs more that anything right now. To be around people he knows and trusts. That means you and me. If you put him in hospital bed, I won't be able to hold him when he wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. I won't be able to make him feel safe… I need to make this right for him."

"John, I don't think this is something anyone can make it right."

"He would do it for either of us. Did you know that when you were in the stasis pod, he came to visit you every day and tell you stories?"

Carson's eyes get soft, "No, I didn't know that."

"Because he didn't want you to feel alone." John's voice cracks, "And I don't want him to feel alone or scared. It wouldn't take much to do this for him, just to make it a little easier. Wouldn't you do anything you could to take some of the pain for him? I know I would."

"All right." Carson looks emotional, "I'll talk to Woolsey about cutting back on my hours at the med lab. I'm sure he'll understand."

"Right." John nods, "Then we can keep this between us for now… He just needs a little time to get through the worst of it emotionally. He'll come around soon, I know he will."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney feels betrayed when he realizes that John has told Carson about his suicidal tendencies. The whole thing is so humiliating... He watches sullenly from the bed as the two of them go through his room together, removing anything that could pose a danger, even containers made of glass.

They add new locks on drawers and cupboards, even on the balcony door. It's like they are fucking childproofing the room. Rodney passively waits, what else can he do? He retreats to his mind. They can't watch him forever, he has to believe that he will be able to escape this all. Maybe not today, but soon… he won't have to hold on for much longer.

And he certainly won't make the mistake of confiding in John about it. He has squirreled away a lot of pills but probably not enough to do the job, for now he will use them to get through the days. Eventually he will have his chance.

When he has thought about killing himself before it has always been rather passive, this time he wants to believe that he would have to courage to go through with it. For now, when it feels like too much, the thoughts of death are like a soothing balm, he can remind himself that it the anguish will end soon. Soon, not much more pain. He won't have to bear being inside this skin much longer.

John is like a balm too, though. When he holds Rodney and strokes his hands over Rodney's skin, it is like the pain ebbs away, the feeling of his own skin is not so horrible then. John holds him a lot, but he won't be stay here forever, and then Rodney will be left by himself, with nothing but the horrible feeling crawling under his flesh.

.  
.


	93. There are some men that need killing

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Carson becomes a new fixture in Rodney's quarters. John only really needs him here a few times a day, but Carson wants to do more for Rodney. He spends most of his free time by Rodney's side.

Rodney is often hazy or semi-catatonic. So it is really John that he ends up talking to more often. The moods seems to come in fits and spurts, it is hard to predict when Rodney will be lucid and interactive.

It isn't easy watching Rodney when John goes for meals, he gets so distraught when John is gone. John has told Carson that Rodney responds to touch, which would have been the last thing Carson would have thought to do in a situation like this, but John swears that Rodney told him it helps. So Carson sits on the chair by the bed and rubs Rodney's arm to soothe him.

"John… why…" Rodney stares off past Carson's head, with unfocused eyes, "why did he leave? Please, no… They're going to come for me…"

"No. Rodney." Carson rubs his arm, "No one is going to hurt you now. John just went to get some food, he'll be right back –and I'm here watching over you. I swear no one can hurt you."

"I'm right here." Rodney is suffering badly from Post Traumatic Stress, Carson knows this, but it is still upsetting to see his friend in such a state.

Rodney whimpers and starts to claw at himself, scraping his fingernails across the skin on his arms. Carson has to restrain him and pull his arms away from each other.

"Rodney. Rodney! I can't let you hurt yourself, okay? That's why I'm holding your arms down. No one is going to hurt you, I promise." When Carson takes hold, Rodney doesn't resist but he squeezes his eyes shut and begins rocking.

"It's okay, Rodney. I'm right here. It's your friend Carson." He tentatively releases his grip on Rodney's arms.

As if he is unaware of Carson's presence, Rodney keeps rocking methodically.

"Remember these, Rodney?" Carson reaches into his shirt and pulls out the dog tags Rodney gave him.

He pulls them over his head and presses them into Rodney's palm. "You gave these to me when I was afraid, to remind me that I wasn't alone when I had to go into stasis. I was really afraid, I'll admit. I really didn't think I was coming back out… Never thought Jennifer would find a cure."

Carson curls Rodney's fingers so they hold the metal tags. "But I felt so much better, knowing that you hadn't forgotten me, I felt like I wasn't alone… John told me you would come by my pod everyday and talk to me. So, that's what I'm trying to do now, come see you every day and talk to you even if you can't always talk back."

"You know, it's pretty weird not having you talk." He squeezes Rodney's hand, "You were always talking at lightening speed, sometimes, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Talking and eating, the two things you are most known for… non-professionally speaking, of course…

If you were yourself, right now you'd be giving me a lecture about how brilliant you are and telling me that is what you're most known for. Well… we'll get you back on track before too long, you'll see."

John walks in with the food trays, setting them down on the sideboard and moving to hold Rodney on the bed. Rodney curls up on John's chest, grasping for his shirt and making a plaintive noise.

"Shh… I'm here Mere. I'm back. Just went to get the food."

Rodney reaches his arms up to wrap around John's neck and John hugs him closely to himself, "I'm here, I'm right here. You got me and Carson are here looking out for you."

"Mere." John presses his face into Rodney's neck. He runs his finger over Rodney's back whispering, "You here with me, Mere?"

"'M here." Rodney mumbles.

Carson can see him relaxing more deeply now that John is back, relaxing into John's arms.

"Good, good." John continues in a soothing tone, "Think you can eat a little for me?"

Rodney nods weakly.

"You stay there." Carson stands up, "I'll bring the trays to you."

John smiles in appreciation, "Okay, just sit back for me, Mere. I'll be right next to you," his manner becomes more teasing, "-even though you know I don't approve of eating in bed."

As Rodney sits up against the headboard, gives a little snort that almost sounds like a laugh.

Carson notices that Rodney's shoulder is pressed tightly against John, as if he is trying to stay as close as physically possible. John gestures to Carson which tray is Rodney's. As Carson hands it off, Rodney looks at it suspiciously, and then over to John's plate.

"How come I didn't get any of those?" Rodney points with a fork.

"Because you don't like green beans…" John gives him a bemused look "But, hey, if you want some of mine… feel free."

"Mmm. Not hungry." Rodney furrows his brow grumpily.

"Seriously?" John rolls his eyes at Rodney, "We're veering into 'the airplane goes into the mouth' territory."

"You wouldn't?" Rodney wrinkles up his nose.

"If you leave me no other choice…" John shrugs playfully.

"And we then veer into 'the needle goes into the arm' territory." Carson adds.

"Okay" Rodney sighs and picks at his plate. Every bite looks like it is an effort to swallow.

"You're doing great, Rodney. Just keep it up." Carson encourages him.

John chuckles and waves a fork-full of food around in the air like it is a plane veering toward towards Rodney's mouth.

"Stop it." Rodney ducks his head to the side with a laugh, "I'm eating, already."

"Good boy." John smirks.

.  
.

Over the last week, Carson has gained a new appreciation for the amount of work required to get Rodney functional throughout the day. John seems to do it effortlessly, providing Rodney with far more than a round the clock medical team would be able to offer. He knows now John made the right call about keeping Rodney in his quarters. Separating Rodney from John, even just a little bit, clearly would be damaging emotionally.

When John has finished coaxing Rodney to eat, Carson takes the trays away for them. John talks Rodney into playing a card game with the two of them, but it doesn't last very long.

After a few hands, Rodney folds and snuggles up to John with his head on John's lap. Carson can see the tenderness in John's eyes as pets Rodney's head. Rodney's eyes are closed and he looks content.

"What's this?" John spies something shiny on the side of the bed and leans over to pick it up with his long arm.

"Oh that's mine." Carson moves forward, "I just was showing it to Rodney earlier."

Looking at the tags with a curious expression, John and hands them to Carson.

He remembers that John was the one who had them made and gave them to Rodney originally and explains, "See, Rodney gave them to me when I was rescued from Michael. He knew I was in a bad state, after realizing that no one had been looking for me."

Rodney explained to me how broken up he'd been over my death. He told me that I was never forgotten… He showed these to me and told me you had them made so he could still feel close to me. At that point, he figured I needed them more than he did."

"He was right." Carson sighs, "And when I had to go into the stasis chamber, they made me feel like I wasn't going to be alone in there… So …thank you."

Smiling warmly as he pets Rodney's head, John tells him, "I think you coming back from the dead was probably the best thing that ever happened to him."

"No." Carson thinks, "If he was himself right now, he'd say that having you love him back is probably the best thing that ever happened to him."

"Back?"

"Well, I don't know actually, do I?" Carson tires to cover up his mistake, "You know, things with you two seem to go up and down a lot, I can't really keep track of it."

"They do?"

"Or maybe not, I wouldn't really know." Carson feels like he is only digging himself deeper.

One side of John's mouth frowns down and he looks thoughtful, "I can only imagine what he must have said."

Carson is tightlipped and John lifts his brows, "Not that I'm asking. I just, literally was trying to imagine how to explain any of this… How he would have seen it… I don't know, but it must have sounded bad."

John looks at Rodney with love in his eyes, "Whatever he said was probably true… I was, ah, kind of messed up. I'd been an emotional wreck for a long time. But over the last few years I've worked through a lot of it. I'm not the same person I was; I wouldn't fuck it up now. I wouldn't take him for granted. …I really love him, I'd do anything for him."

"I can see that…" Carson clears his throat. "So, when did you start to have these feelings for him?"

"A long time ago…" John frowns, "but I just couldn't come to terms with them myself. Then once I did it was too late. First 'cause of Katie… And then when I found out about how he and Jennifer were supposed to be together."

Carson is confused and John elaborates, "When I went into the future, I saw Rodney had spent 25 years working on a way to save Jennifer's life. She was the one he loved and I wanted him to be happy. I guess I never thought I would be enough for him anyway, not what he really deserved…

But then he broke things off with Jennifer and came after me when I left… He said that he wanted to be with me instead, God knows why. I finally got the courage to tell him that I was in love with him. I know, it probably doesn't sound like I deserve him, but I promise you, I'll take good care of him."

John's expression is pained, "All of this is my fault. If he hadn't come after me, he never would have been in danger."

"You can't know that." Carson assures him.

John looks at him darkly and Carson realizes that nothing he says about this will probably make any difference. He tries anyway, "You don't have anything to atone for. This isn't your fault."

"Atone? No, that's not why I'm taking care of him."

"I guess…" John presses his lips together, "What I'm trying to say… I'm trying to convince you that I'm here because I really love him. Honestly, I'm just trying to take care of him, the way he's taken care of me in the past. I know he would do the same."

"Aye, he would." Carson blinks wondering when Rodney taken care of John… that was part of the story he never heard. "But you don't have to convince me." He adds.

"I don't?"

"Well, okay, maybe just a wee bit." Carson watches John running his fingers over Rodney's brow and down his back. He can't tell if Rodney is awake right now or not. Strange, that it has become so familiar to see the two of them glued together like this. It seems so normal that John constantly touching Rodney.

In the past, Rodney's stories about John has always seemed so detached from regular life on Atlantis. Carson had never been able to imagine the two of them together. He especially had not been able to imagine John being intimate with Rodney in any way.

But now he sees a side of John that he's never encountered before, gentle, loving, attentive… He is starting to get used to seeing John in this new light.

He tells John, "I'm glad things are different now… That you won't take him for granted."

"No. Never." John shakes his head, "I don't know where he'll be when he comes out of this. I'm not assuming anything. But if he still wants me, I won't be an emotional coward and I won't let him down."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

These days, John really misses the old Rodney. Over the last weeks it is like Rodney has reverted to his most damaged part of his psyche, gone back in time. Well really, he is far more damaged now than he ever was before.

The old confident, arrogant Rodney seems gone forever. He's so distant and detached… It is disturbing how thin he has become. He barely even talks anymore. When Rodney does talk he mostly mumbles about how disgusting and worthless he is.

"I love you, Mere." John tries to remind him.

"Doesn't matter." Rodney just stares out into space.

"It matters to me. You matter to me, Mere. Nothing is more important."

"Doesn't matter."

Happy to have him talking at least, John tries to keep him engaged, "Maybe not right now, but it will matter, Mere."

Rodney's eyes go vacant and he begins rocking.

"Not now, Mere." John reaches over and pulls Rodney down to the bed, "Don't go yet, please. Come back to me…"

Trying to get through to him, he holds Rodney close with his face brushing against Rodney's check, whispering, "Come back to me, Mere. I won't let you go, I promise."

"Why don't you just let me go?" Rodney moans.

"You know me, Mere." John cradles his face, "You know I can't. Otherwise you wouldn't ask."

"You'll leave." Rodney whispers, "And then I'll be alone."

"I won't leave, Mere." He hugs Rodney close, "I will never leave you again. Please trust me, I promise I won't let you go."

"Can't do this..." Rodney shakes his head.

"I know," John pets the side of his face gently, "I know, right now, it's too hard. Remember what Carson said? You're suffering from PTSD, these symptoms you're experiencing , reliving the trauma as if you're back there, they will fade with time. And when they do I will still be here holding you close. I'm not letting you go."

"So disgusting…" Rodney whimpers.

"Look at me, Mere... McKay!"

Rodney's eyes hesitantly blink up at John.

"See what I see. See the way I'm looking at you. That is what is real, the rest is fear. You're lost in in a dark, frightful nightmare, you can't see your way out."

Rodney nods.

"I'm on the other side, Mere. I'm calling to you, I'm telling you it isn't real and you can find your way out. It won't feel this way forever."

A few tears streak silently down his face and Rodney blinks.

"Will you trust me, Mere? Please hold onto me and trust what I'm saying. Don't trust the other voices in your head, they're not real."

"When?" Rodney croaks.

Instinctively, John knows when he is asking. "If you trust me enough… If you agree not to harm yourself, Mere, I think the other side isn't far off. I just need you to take that first step, trust me and hold on."

"I don't think I can." But Rodney's arms reach up and cling to John desperately, his body heaves with a wrenching sob.

"Shh… Yes, you can, Mere. You don't have to figure else anything out, just trust me to take care of you. Can you do that?"

Another intense sob shakes through Rodney's torso, "You won't leave me?"

"I won't leave you. I love you so much. I could never leave you now, Rodney."

"But if you go…" Rodney clings onto John and shudders.

"I won't. And as long as I'm here, I want you to promise me that you won't try to harm yourself."

"Was just my back-up plan anyway." Rodney catches his breath, "Something to make me feel better."

"Promise."

"You promise first." Rodney looks intently into John's eyes.

"I promise that you are not going to have to face this alone." John answers truthfully, "No matter what happens, I will be here… I won't leave you, Mere. I told you, we will make it through this together. And when you make it through the other side, I will still be here. I won't ever leave you."

"Now you promise me." He kisses Rodney's cheek, just above the cute little beard that has begun to grow in.

"I promise… I won't… won't do anything to hurt myself."

John watches Rodney's eyes while he speaks, he is focused and intent. John believes him and squeezes him in tightly with a warm rush of relief. "Okay, we're going to be okay, then. I promise we'll make it through this."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Rodney begins to feel himself coming back to land of the living; he feels his body, the horrible crawling sensation that lives under his skin. But John hands are there to lull him back to some kind of safety. He lets go of his dark fantasies and gives in to what John wants him to do, to come back to reality.

He says Rodney is almost out of the woods, it doesn't feel that way to him, but he will keep holding onto to John, John is again his life raft in the dark sea fear that is closing in around him from all sides.

Carson and John bring back a lot of the missing things from his room, but the lock on the balcony door stays. At least he will be able to shave again. As Rodney stabilizes a bit more he starts engaging and talking more. Carson and John try to convince him that he should talk to a therapist.

But Rodney's chest leaps in terror at the thought of someone unknown intruding into his space.

He turns to Carson, hyperventilating, "I won't, I won't talk. You can't make me. Please, don't make me."

"Okay, okay, you're not ready yet. I understand." John stoops down to the wheelchair and wraps his arms around him.

"I can't… can't. I'll talk more to you and Carson more, okay?"

John's warm hands side over Rodney's skin and smooth the crawling burning feeling away.

"It's okay, Mere. We won't make you talk to anyone you don't want to. Just think about. Maybe down the road."

"I hate therapists." Rodney shakes his head at the thought.

"Yeah," John admits, "Me too."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

As the time go by, John sees Rodney's body healing physically, but it feels like he is still so damaged emotionally. The bandages are off everything but his feet, which still need to heal before Rodney will be able to walk on them again.

He does everything he can to shower Rodney with love and affection but Rodney wakes up every night screaming and retching. John has adjusted the medication and food schedule accordingly. Nothing Carson gives him seems to help.

Rodney seems to like it when John pets him or holds him but most of the time he just seems dazed. John tries to be strong for Rodney but he is suffering silently. Nights are the worst. John sees those men, their faces... He relives the horror of seeing Alex, the man who raped and abused Rodney for so long.

He hears the screams, the laughter, every detail of the night heard them gang-raping Rodney. The horrific things they said, repeating what they learned from Rodney's past with Alex. Then, finally, hours later, the vision of Rodney's slumped and bloody body being dragged down the hall.

John wakes up several times a night now. He is quiet about it; as if even his sleep self knows that it is more important not to disturb Rodney. He tries his best to be playful and project hope for Rodney, but his heart is breaking.

Every morning before he goes to go breakfast, before Carson arrives, he fervently whispers to Rodney in his sleep, "Come back to me, Mere".

But Rodney is so far away and John doesn't know if he will ever be the same. Mornings are usually the best time of the day. John can reach him, literally, before Rodney starts taking his meds for the day and slips away.

Sometimes John sees Teyla and Ronan during lunchtime, when he is picking up food. Ronan keeps bugging John to hang out, but John hasn't wanted to leave Rodney's side, even if Carson can cover for him. He feels like he will lose Rodney completely if is gone for too long.

It's hard to keep track of time, but he knows it has almost been a month. John feels like he is losing his mind and needs someone to talk to.

Finally, he breaks down and asks Rodney if it would okay for Ronan to come over if he and John stay on the balcony. Rodney is apprehensive but agrees.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Ronan is anxious to see John when he makes the house call. It has been almost a month since John and Rodney have been back and he has barely seen John this whole time.

When he arrives, John asks Ronan to wait in the door and calls out, "Mere? Ronan is here. He's just going to walk by for a minute and then be with me on the balcony… Is that okay, Mere?"

There is some mumbling from inside the room.

John gives the go ahead to come in, but asks Ronan to walk by without engaging Rodney. He is puzzled but agrees and follows John through the room.

As they pass by, Ronan sees a wheelchair by. He can't stop himself from looking to the bed, where Rodney is lying. He sees ugly pink scars on Rodney's wrists and forearms. A crisscrossing from some kind of binding.

Rodney meets Ronan's gaze, wide-eyed in fear, he pulls the blanket over his arms and chest and looks away.

Feeling guilty, Ronan averts his eyes as John leads him to the balcony. He isn't sure what this is about, but he has a feeling that it is much worse he thought. Something is very wrong here.

Ronan bites his lip as John closes the balcony door.

"Thanks for coming." John gives Ronan a tired and relieved look.

"Course. Whatever you need." Ronan doesn't see the point in arguing about the fact that he has been trying to see John for weeks now.

"I...just need somebody to talk to." John sounds so sad.

"Done." Ronan says confidently.

"I don't even know..." John paces a bit and clenches his fists, "God."

"You left…" Ronan fills in the little bit he does know, "he went after you…"

"It has nothing to do with that, really." John frowns "He found me and it was great...I finally told him how I felt about him but then we were taken."

"Taken?"

"A group connected with the Trust. They call themselves The Syndicate." John shudders.

"I remember the Trust," Ronan nods heavily, "the ones we thought kidnapped Rodney's sister."

"Well, these guys are worse." John grips the railing and shakes at it. He balls his fists like he wants to hit something.

"Hey," Ronan reminds him, "No hitting hard stuff"

John looks back into the room where Rodney is hiding under the covers.

"Don't worry," Ronan assures him, "he can't hear us."

The side of John's mouth curls down sadly, "He's so out of it these days, he probably wouldn't even notice if we were in the room."

"What happened to him?" Ronan lets himself ask.

John makes a face like he is going to be sick.

"There are some men that need killing."

"Want any help with that?" Ronan asks.

"No." John shakes his head, "Um, on this planet, that is, ah, kind of frowned upon and it will get you into a lot of trouble."

"They need killing, though." Ronan presses.

"Yes, they do." John meets his gaze, "But this is something I have to do alone. I don't want to involve anyone else. Besides this isn't your kind of thing."

Ronan rears his head, "I've done plenty of killing."

"Yeah, Wraith." John argues.

"I've done other killing"

"I guess so." John smiles weakly, "But this is still something I have to do alone, I can't get anyone involved in this."

"Okay." Ronan accepts what John is saying for now.

"Okay." John repeats the word numbly.

He thinks Rodney isn't the only one who is out of it. Ronan tries to get John to talk, "Why do they need killing?"

"Mmm… What happened..." John winces, "Uh, it only lasted two days, but it felt like a lifetime. They, they broke me completely. They broke Rodney worse."

John's voice gets shaky "They broke him real bad, Ronan. I don't know if he's ever coming back… He's starting to heal physically, but the rest of it, I think it's getting worse, at least, I don't know if he'll ever be the same."

Ronan shifts his weight trying to think of the right thing to say.

"It's hard to describe why it was so bad, they got into our heads. They had us figured out, maybe before they even got us there. What they didn't know they took from our minds."

He gives John a questioning look.

"They had this machine. That hooks up to your-" John touches his temple. "It gets inside your mind and… If somebody asked you what your most painful memory is, it would appear on this...screen. Whether you wanted it to or not, your worst memories would play out like a video for everyone to watch… I mean imagine the most painful, humiliating…"

John breathes and then looks guiltily back at the room, "Ah, I mean you just probably think, McKay, yeah, sure plenty of embarrassing, humiliating stuff, but this was…"

"I think it sounds horrible for anyone." Ronan is hurt that John would think him that dismissive. "Look, he's like a brother to me, sure, sometimes an annoying kid brother, but I really care about the guy. I do. He's part of my family."

"Listen," John looks like he believes him, and speaks in a low voice, "you can't tell anyone- I mean, anyone about this."

"Solemn oath." Ronan stands tall.

"Okay, um," John's voice falls to a whisper, "Rodney once told me something… He said that he had been raped and abused by someone. That it scarred him, left him changed. That he didn't know if he'd ever get over it… That was all I knew until… Until they dredged up his memory on a screen."

John clears his throat, "I had to watch this guy beating and raping Rodney over and over... And the things that he would say to him… It's almost worse than…"

John's body stoops. They knocked me out with something and when I woke up… Rodney… he was in a cell with me."

"He was in bad shape." John's voice cracks and he makes a face of disgust and hatred, "They had been taking turns."

Ronan's heart sinks in his chest and he starts to shake with rage, thinking about these men violating a member of his family.

"And you don't understand," John clamors, "I mean, they had… any way they could hurt him… They did, over and over. I thought I'd never seen anything worse… But it got worse. They didn't even give me a chance to break, they… they wanted to make sure first."

Gripping the railing in front of him in fury, Ronan wants to hit something, he wants to kill these men. John has to let him help.

"I tried to clean him up as best I could and…" John's voice is tight, "we even slept for a little while, but then they came back for him. I wasn't strong enough, to keep them away. I couldn't protect him and they took him to a room right by the cell so I had to listen…"

"I see their faces every night, I hear his screams, it went on for hours." John turns to Ronan in desperation, "They knew how to cause enough pain without sending him into complete shock. Advanced torture techniques."

John's face twists into a grim expression, "They said the same things, the same horrible things to him. Made him believe it again."

"Do you understand what that is like, Ronan," John looks to him with haunted eyes, "to have to listen to the sound of another person being destroyed?"

John's face contorts with pain, "You know, I'm supposed to be the one that's okay here, but I don't think I'll ever be the same after this. It's the worst thing I've ever… And I've seen some shit, okay. I've been tortured by the Taliban… It's, never mind, I've had some pretty bad stuff happen to me, but this… this is… I try to sound strong for his sake but… I don't know if I'm coming back from this."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John feels Ronan's strong hands clasp his shoulders firmly; he has never seen Ronan look so emotional. His brow is darkened into his wide eyes. Ronan's lower lip is trembling and John could swear there are tears in his eyes.

Ronan's voice is hoarse and angry, "John. We kill. These men."

He feels so weak, it is nice to have Ronan here so strong and angry. "Okay," He tells him, "We'll talk about it."

"Yes! Yes, we will." Ronan slaps John's shoulders with a warrior's strength.

John meets Ronan's eyes with gratitude, "I should probably check on him."

"You take care of him, John." Ronan nods gravely, "And let the rest of us take care of you."

A ghost of a smile passes across John's lips, "Thanks, Ronan."

Ronan clasps John on the back and gives him one of his bear hugs before he releases him.

Before they walk back in, John warns Rodney, "Hey Mere. We're just going to walk through for a minute, okay?"

A small moan of acknowledgement comes out from under the covers. John sees Ronan frown and dart his eyes over to the bed where Rodney has completely submerged himself under the blanket. He looks disturbed and keeps his eyes and face forward as he walks out the rest of the way out.

After seeing Ronan off, John climbs back into bed with Rodney, easing himself under the covers. He reaches for Rodney, and Rodney comes to him, melting into his arms. John sighs into him, smelling the faint but sweet muskiness of Rodney. He loves that smell.

"Mere" John brushes his cheek lightly against Rodney's.

Rodney is unresponsive.

When John reaches for a package on his side of the bed, Rodney moans in protest as John lifts away.

"I'm not going anywhere." John assures him, "I'm right here. I just have something for you that you might like."

"Mmm." Rodney groans.

He pulls Rodney up to sit with him against the headrest. Rodney seems too drowsy, moaning again with his eyes half-open.

Opening it himself, John tries to engage him, "So remember how you wanted one of my shirts?"

Interested, Rodney opens his eyes.

"So, I got you a bunch of them" John pulls the rest of the wrapping off, he checks to be sure, "Yeah, there's like 6 here. Only, I got them in a dark blue instead of black."

"You know," John holds one up to Rodney, "'cause, your eyes? They're blue and you… look good in blue."

"You want to try it on?" John sees Rodney smile and his eyes twinkle in response.

Nodding shyly, Rodney lifts off his short-sleeved shirt. His chest looks completely healed, but Rodney sits self consciously, with his shoulders hunched forward.

He hands over the shirt and Rodney quickly pulls it over himself. John helps him straighten it all the way down.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Rodney tugs at the sleeves appreciating that they cover the scars on his arms. He hugs himself in the soft cotton; it feels nice, like John.

"I like it. A lot." Rodney wishes he had a nice nickname to call John, one to let John know when Rodney feels extra close to him. He wonders what John's middle name is and whether John will still let him keep one of his black shirts. It would be nice to have one to wear, when his wants to feel extra close to John.

"Thanks. I like them… They're perfect, now I don't have to…" Rodney gestures to his wrists.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

John touches Rodney's arms caresses them over the cotton. Rodney looks so beautiful right now. His face has healed and looks flushed, with his flaxen hair tousled from lying under the covers. The blue shirt does really bring out his eyes.

If everything weren't so fucked up, John wouldn't have been able to stop himself from kissing Rodney right now. But everything is fucked up, and John doesn't want to do anything that might hurt Rodney. Instead, John lets his eyes show the love he feels.

"You look really great, Mere. You look amazing."

He lowers his touch and threads his fingers through Rodney's. Rodney returns the caress, moving his fingers over John's palms and fingers. The sensation is tingly and light.

"Could I still keep one of your black ones?" Rodney asks suddenly, "Just cause… it's yours?"

"Absolutely." John's eyes sparkle.

As they snuggle back down onto the bed, Rodney rests his head in his familiar position on John's chest and they trace their hands against each other, up the arms and back down to the finger. It is so simple... but perfect.

.

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	94. Shower Do-Over

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.

It is has been 6 weeks since they were rescued, and Rodney is still so out of reach. He seems so dull and groggy throughout the day John thinks it is more than the Post Traumatic Stress… In fact, John is worried that Rodney is on too much medication and decides to talk to Carson about it when he comes by this evening.

The suicide watch is over, thankfully. And Rodney got the last of his stitches out over a week ago. Carson has urged Rodney to try out some short walks, -even just from the bed to the bathroom. But Rodney tells John that he doesn't want to. He says he likes the wheelchair.

Even though Carson told Rodney he safely can take a showers now, neither John or Rodney have seemed anxious to make the transition from their day spa ritual. John loves the time he gets to massage Rodney and make him feel good.

Every night Rodney still wakes up screaming and thrashing, dry heaving. It's like they come for him when Rodney's defenses are down. The nights are the worst for John too, that's when they come for him in his dreams.

The only time John feels he can reach in him is first thing in the morning. Most of the day Rodney is dull and hazy, barely speaking. Rodney lets John hold him in the bed, but it is different. It is like Rodney is so far away most of the time. Early mornings they talk more, and John feels like Rodney is connected to him, like Rodney can feel his touch.

John comes back to the room with breakfast and is surprised to find Rodney already awake and sitting up in bed. He looks alert and restless.

"Food or spa?" John gives him his usual choice.

Rodney opts to eat, not his usual order preference.

After helping Rodney to the wheelchair, the sit down to eat. Rodney peppers John all kinds of questions about what is happening on Atlantis. He makes a lot of snide comments about the people, even Carson. Maybe Rodney is getting stir crazy. But however bad-tempered, John thinks it is a good sign that he's talking.

When Rodney asks about Ronan by the old, not very affectionate, nickname of 'The Caveman', it makes John smile. Though Ronan's activities are not usually of interest to Rodney, he tries to find some things to say.

When John runs out of things to say about Ronan, Rodney asks John what he has been doing lately. He seems genuinely interested, but there hasn't been a whole lot other than taking care of Rodney. John tells him the first thing that pops to mind, that and he and Ronan are considering taking a trip together at some point. John had been planning to wait to talk to Rodney about this, but he seems pretty lucid now.

Rodney gives him an odd look and John wonders if he misjudged the situation. He explains, "At some point in the future. Only when you are feeling better and just for a little while. You know, I wouldn't go unless you were ready, right? It's just something Ronan and I were talking about."

Narrowing his eyes, Rodney sets his tray aside.

John's mouth hangs open as he watches Rodney stand up from the wheelchair and walk to the bed by himself. This is the first time Rodney has gotten up on his feet. He turns his back to John and pulls the covers completely over himself.

John sets his tray down and waits.

The room has gone completely quiet.

Lifting himself gingerly, John tip toes over to the bed, peering at Rodney, "Mere?"

Rodney does not move.

"Mere?" John walks cautiously to the other side of the bed and asks again.

Rodney is silent.

John kneels down and touches Rodney's shoulder. It is stiff and unresponsive. He has to make this right, it had just seemed like Rodney was coming out of his shell, and John can't let him slip away again.

He reaches under the covers and slides in so that he is facing Rodney.  
Once he is under the blanket, John reaches his hand out tentatively for Rodney's shoulder, "Hey."

Rodney flinches under his touch. Rodney hasn't flinched to John's touch since this all started. John keeps his hand on Rodney's shoulder and moves it in a soothing sway.

Finally Rodney speaks, he sounds bitter and cold, "I want you to go."

"I'm not leaving you Rodney," John whispers, "I promise. I'm so sorry I even mentioned that idea. I-"

"I don't care what you do," Rodney tone is icy, "just as long as you get the hell out of my room, and leave me alone."

John licks his lips nervously and keeps petting Rodney's shoulder. "Mere…"

Rodney flings back the blanket from over their heads, displacing John's hand. His voice is filled with venom, "Just LEAVE. That's what you're good at, leaving. I am so sick of you! And all of this!

It's been YEARS that you keep toying with me. Making me think that you care and then throwing me away. You must just think I'm really..." His voice chokes at the end and he stops mid-sentence.

Stricken, John reaches for Rodney, but Rodney bats John's hands away, "Don't touch me, don't you FUCKING touch me. Why do you want to touch me, after all this? I was never good enough for you before. You just want to humiliate me again."

John's breath catches. 'Again?'

Before he can find his tongue Rodney is spewing again, "Why are you still here? I want you gone. I want you out of my life! You can't just fuck with me any time you want to and then change your mind."

John is sure that Rodney isn't himself and reaches out trying to hold him, "I didn't change my mind-"

Rodney wrestles with John, trying to swat his arms away but John keeps trying. Rodney swings furiously, beating at John's chest, "You're a liar. Lying, liar. And I hate you. LIAR!"

Rodney throws his arms at John. It doesn't hurt much and John doesn't try to stop him. He keeps curving his arms, trying to reach Rodney, but Rodney is flailing so much that John can't get ahold. The sensation of fists pounding on his chest is making it hard for him to catch his breath.

"Whoa. Okay. Rodney. Rodney. I love you. Rodn-"

"Don't you dare say that." Rodney's voice cracks, "You're a liar."

But Rodney's physical assault lessens in intensity, allowing John to wrap his arms around Rodney's back. Rodney still pounds his fists against John, however ineffectually.

His face is pressed into John and he sounds muffled, "You, you, don't care about me. If you did you, you, wouldn't have…"

Giving a soft sob, Rodney beats his fists mutely against John. His body sags in defeat, he cries and hits his fist into John with each word, "I. Hate. You."

It sounds very unconvincing. John loosens his grip on Rodney and pets his back, "Shhh, it's okay"

"Why?" Rodney makes a keening sound.

He isn't sure what Rodney is asking but John tries to think of an answer.

"You didn't care about me." Rodney chokes back a sob, "You didn't care how I felt. You just wanted to fuck me, to use me, and throw me away." His voice sounds small and tearful, "I knew that then, but I let you… anyway. Even though you…"

Punching John harder this time, Rodney swallows and his teary voice disappears, instead it is hard and filled with venom, "I hate you."

This time it sounds convincing.

John's body goes slack and his stomach drops out from under him. He knows now, all the ugly things that Alex told Rodney. All the scars... everything that Rodney must have been feeling when John had fucked him. It is almost too much to bear, the thought that Rodney had felt that way when John was inside him.

Speaking without any air in his lungs, John wilts, "Ohhh. Oh, no... Oh, God. Rodney, I'm so sorry... God."

"Why?" Rodney whimpers into John's chest.

His hands trembling on Rodney's back, John tries to move again but feels frozen. His breath is halting, "I, I, I'm sorry. I, was... scared. Didn't know how to…"

Shaking his head in shame, John confesses his guilt, "I am so sorry that I didn't know… how to be with you… I have wished for so long… wished I would done things so differently."

"Right." Rodney sounds embittered.

"Listen, Rodney." John pulls Rodney up into him and speaks hoarsely, "I'd never been with a man the way I was with you. I mean it. Before you, it was only ever a one-time thing for me. I know, I KNOW it wasn't close to good enough. But with you, I felt more, I wanted more. And I never wanted to use you or, or make you feel small –I SWEAR."

"Then why did you stop?" Rodney glares up at John, "And why did you push me away when I tried to get closer to you?"

"Mostly… because I'm an idiot." John presses his lips together and grimaces knowing what an empty excuse he is offering. He's never been any good talking about his feeling but he has to try no matter how it comes out.

"I hate myself too." John's throat clenches, "For every... for being so, being such a fucking bastard and I... I can't explain but I was scared.

"And I, uh,", Rodney's brow creases as John continues, "once I realized I was hurting you, I was terrified."

Rodney blinks in confusion."Why did you think you were hurting me?" he demands.

John lifts an uncertain hand to Rodney's face and holds it still, "Because… I, came back that night, in the shower… I wanted more… to be with you… more. And I saw that I had hurt you instead."

"You..." Rodney opens his mouth in shock, "came back?"

"Yeah..." John exhales quietly, "I saw you on the floor… and… I was a coward, I ran. I knew I did something wrong. I just didn't understand what, or what to do because I was so… so fucking useless. I should have gone to you and-" John's throat clenches and he loses his voice

Mmm-wha" Rodney closes his mouth before asking, "What did you want… what, more?"

"I don't think I really knew," John dares to move his hand and trail it lightly across Rodney's jaw, "because, I… hadn't done it before, but… I think to hold you, to touch you like this."

Rodney shudders a little in John's arms.

"And maybe to kiss you." John whispers.

"But when I tried to kiss you…?" Rodney objects.

"I know." John bites his lower lip, "I'm an idiot. I wanted to I- It was just- I'd never kissed a guy, and it scared me to be feeling so much... I only knew how to be raw and sexual. But with us... it was different, more. I'm sorry I was such a coward. I should have been able to give you so much more."

John sighs and squeezes his eyes shut, "You deserved so much better."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Rodney remembers the horrible story about John's father disowning him, screaming 'No son of mine is fucking… FAGGOT!'

"Oh. You were afraid that you were…"

"A faggot?" John grimaces, "Yeah. Guess he was right."

"That's an ugly slur that small-minded people use." Rodney bristles, "You can call yourself whatever makes sense to you, whatever you want."

"None of that matters anymore" John looks back up to Rodney, his eyes so wide and so sincere almost boyishly innocent, "I just want you, Rodney."

Rodney shudders again. "Oh… Even now? After all this?"

The open expression remains on John's face, but it is washed with shock, "What? Yes. More than ever. I mean, not _now_ now, obviously. I can wait. I waited 5 years, I'll wait as long as- "

"I would hardly say you've waited." Rodney smirks with a note of real bitterness.

"You know?" John rolls his eyes and offers a smile that doesn't really conceal his sadness, "The rumors of my intergalactic affairs have been greatly exaggerated, mostly by you. Despite what you may think, my time in Pegasus was spent mostly sexless…"

"Well, apart from my own…" John waves his free hand.

At that Rodney finds himself offering a small but genuine smile of amusement, "And what were you thinking about, you and your hand?"

"I was thinking about you, Mere." John lowers his head levels his eyes at Rodney sincerely.

"I was thinking about you, too." Rodney swallows.

"The whole 5 years?" John sounds teasing.

"Well…" Rodney stumbles, "There were times, when I really was trying to get over you and, I had a little help from my friend Sam."

"Uh-huh." John chuckles, "Whatever you say… Kirk."

"Hardly." Rodney can't help but laugh at the preposterous imagine of himself as Captain Kirk. He whips a pillow from behind him and smacks John in the face with it.

.  
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* * *

.  
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"Hey!" John exclaims, "I'm really taking a beating here."

"Sorry." Rodney puts the pillow back, "Just feeling, really edgy today."

"You should finish eating." John urges him.

Rodney shrugs apathetically.

"You need it. To keep your strength up." John insists.

On his feet agiain, Rodney stands and picks his tray back up. John smiles to see Rodney walking, a very good sign. He slides over the bed and sits in the chair next to Rodney.

Rodney uses his feet to angle the wheelchair closer to John's chair, then starts eating again, distracted and focused on his food. John watches him with a feeling of deep guilt still hollow in his chest. They've never talked about any of this before and now that John knows everything... the things Rodney was feeling... John won't ever forgive himself for this. Rodney probably does hate him and he knows he deserves it. But the thought that Rodney believed he really wanted to hurt him the way Alex did is killing him.

"I know I wasn't good to you…" John sets his fork down and waits for Rodney to look up, "I know, I fucked up it all up. But even though I didn't show it, you did mean something to me. You meant a lot to me even before we got to Pegasus. And, and our time together… that was one of my longest relationships."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Rodney stops eating and rears his head back, "Relationship?"

"Well," John looks embarrassed, "I just mean, you know… I haven't been the best at opening up or maintaining a connection for very long. Other than Nancy and Teer-"

"You know what? I really don't need a list." Rodney snorts.

"I just mean, you were one of the people I spent the most time with." John says haltingly with a pained expression.

Feeling somewhat flattered and sorry for John at the same time, he asks, "So, you mean you fucked your wife AT LEAST more than 16 times."

"You counted?" John lowers his gaze.

"I'm a mathematician." Rodney tries to sound ambivalent.

John looks back at him sorrowfully and Rodney softens his tone, "How long were you and Nancy together?"

"Um, uh, About two and half years.", John presses his lips together, "Married for two. Can't believe she stayed with me as long as she did, not that I was around much. I only really knew how to do casual before that so... I wasn't very good at being married. She was right that I was, ah, disconnected and, uh… you know a train wreck and all.

Looking up imploringly, John continues, "But, I've been trying to work stuff out since then. And Rodney… I know I don't deserve you but... I do love you and I think.., No, I mean, I KNOW I could do better. I really do." John's words hang in the air like he begging Rodney to believe him.

Rodney blinks… is John trying to convince Rodney… That John is worthy of him? It seems so twisted around since Rodney could hardly imagine himself worthy of anyone, let alone John.

But then Rodney realizes he has just been screaming at John. He had told John he hated him and wanted him out of his life. What was wrong with him? Rodney has always wanted to talk about Antarctica, but not like this, so frightened, petty, and mean. But John is still here, trying to convince Rodney that he loves him.

"I'm sorry," Rodney closes his eyes, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I didn't mean the things I said. I've never felt I was good enough for you and I especially can't believe it now."

He sets down his tray asks in a small voice, "Do you really mean what you said before? Did you…" Rodney feels fragile, "Am I really... Your love?"

John glides off his chair and knees by the wheelchair, gently taking Rodney's head in his hands. He looks at Rodney vulnerably, "You remembered that? Yes, Mere… You're my love."

Still holding his face, John rests his forehead against Rodney's. He whispers, "You're my everything."

Rodney reaches his hands up to caress the sides of John's face. It feels like too much to hope for, to let himself believe.

"You know…" Rodney whispers back, "We could take a shower…"

"You mean, together?" John lifts his head away from Rodney's and raises his brows.

"Or not." Rodney pulls back defensively.

"Okay." John answers quickly, "You wanna walk or-"

"Yeah." Rodney is tense, "I'll walk. He pushes himself up and walks with a bit of awkward limp to the bathroom.

John follows close behind.

Before he gets undressed, Rodney points out to John, "You know, I've got a lot of scars, now."

"Yeah, well…" John tilts his head curiously at Rodney, "Me too, actually."

"I'm just saying that…" Rodney is pensive, "Well, I wasn't that attractive to begin with and now..."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

John can't believe sometimes how warped Rodney's perception of himself is. He gives a long blink and shakes his head.

"You're beautiful, Mere. I think I've seen them all but if you want to show me yours, I'll show you mine."

Looking encouraged, Rodney starts to take his shirt off.

John strips himself and turns the water on. Rodney steps in shyly behind him and John moves aside to let him get under the shower stream.

"So, is this like, my chance for a shower do-over?" Johns asks hopefully.

"If you want it to be." Rodney smiles, looking less self-conscious.

"Okay, note to self. Don't fuck this up." John smiles back while soaping up a cloth.

.  
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	95. I'll do what I want

.  
.

Rodney smiles as John begins caress his back with the cloth. John moves at a leisurely pace. When he reaches around to do Rodney's chest, Rodney turns around to face him. He enjoys the sensation of John's hands over his body.

This shower makes it much easier to get clean, but Rodney feels like it is going by too fast, he preferred the days of John giving him sponge baths.

John takes his time, but it is still over too soon.

"Can I, do you?" Rodney voices a thought.

As John hands him the washcloth Rodney takes in the sight of John's body up close like this while he adds more soap to the cloth. John is exquisite. He is so lean and tall, every part of him flows into perfect structure of male strength and grace.

Oh. And John's hair. Rodney is going to use this opportunity to mess it up and play with it. Rodney steps closer and slowly moves the rag over John's chest. As he looks more closely, he can see it is covered with scars. But they don't stand out much and are covered with a dusting of dark hair.

"This one is from a bug." John starts by pointing to his neck. He goes on to recount numerous injuries, North Korea, Wraith, Afghanistan, Taliban.

Pointing to large circular scar on his abdomen, "Oh this one was from a booby trapped building, courtesy of Michael… and this one from a Wraith snake-thing."

Rodney can't believe how many times this man has been shot or maimed, but the bulk of the scars go under the heading, 'Taliban'.

After showing his chest, back, arms, and legs, he even tells Rodney, "Oh, yeah, they got my feet too."

He peers at the sole of John's foot as he lifts it. It is covered in scar tissue. Rodney lifts one of his own feet, "I think mine are worse… But other than that alien laser, I only have one bullet hole. From where you shot me, by the way."

"I said I was SORRY…" John lifts his hands; then changes the focus, "What else do you got?"

Rodney finds a few unremarkable scars ands then points out the faded patch where Kolya carved into his arm. Admitting, "Not as much as you, but these," Rodney holds out his wrists to expose the ugly pink welts winding around his forearms, "these, are particularly humiliating."

"Mere, you're so beautiful." John touches the traces the scars with his fingers.

"No, you are. You are so…" Rodney shakes his head, exploring John's body as he washes it, "You are so sexy. Your body is perfect."

John groans happily as Rodney continues from John's chest and legs, to his back. Rodney lets himself cup John's perky ass with his hand, "You have such a nice ass."

"Mmm. No." John makes a noise, "You, you have a fine ass my friend. Much better than mine."

"Really?" Rodney is surprised.

"Has no one ever told you this before?"

"Well," Rodney thinks, "maybe once or twice, but I just thought they were being nice."

"Well, they weren't." John sets him straight, "It is amazing and gravity defying. I've spent many a night, me and my hand, dreaming about it."

"Oh." Rodney is stunned.

He saves John's cock for last. He doesn't linger too long, remembering the many nights he spent lusting after it. Suddenly he announces, "You're not getting off that easy, I want to wash your hair."

"Okay" John smiles easily.

After, leading John under the shower to wash the soap off his skin and get his hair wet, Rodney confidently tells John to sit down. The two of them sit to the side of the water current. He runs his fingers through John's hair. He tussles it and grabs a handful of it, tugging it gently.

"Mmm, I love your hair… so much." Rodney runs both hands through it and grabs onto the sides.

"Just don't get... too edgy with it." John grins.

"I'll do what I want." Rodney feels defiant.

John doesn't argue.

He feels intoxicated by the fact that John is letting him have his way with his hair like this. Rodney leans over and kisses the back of John's wet neck, sucking on it, biting it softly, and moving his lips along the curve until he reaches the nape. He rests his face against the back of John's head, still running his fingers through the thick mop on top.

"Love it so much…" Rodney sighs as he gets the shampoo.

"I guess so." John looks up at Rodney with amusement.

While Rodney massages shampoo into John's scalp, John looks up at him, "Well, much as I love your ass, it's ah... just one of your many, ah, attributes."

Rodney laughs and John continues "I'm serious though, you have no idea how beautiful you are. Your face with those high cheekbones, the line of your jaw, perfect pitch of your nose... the light flaxen-y, auburn-y color of your hair that makes your eyes stand out... Yeah... Yeah, it's your eyes though that say everything though ...and make me ache to touch your smooth skin-"

"Yeah," Rodney interjects in a self-deprecating voice, "smooth and hairless."

"Exactly." John stresses, "You only have hair in the right places. Your arms and legs are… Mmm, so perfect. The slope of your neck down to your shoulders... from your hipbone to that perfectly huge cock. And of course, your perfectly huge brain.

Rodney stops moving his hands and takes in John's expression. He is unused to hearing someone compliment him so much and it is disconcerting. But John's face seems so open, almost a bit insecure as he tries to express himself.

"I'm not... obviously it's more than the way you look. I just" John exhales shyly, "Uh, you know, it's everything that makes you beautiful. Your humor, your dorky self confidence… the way you play… the gentleness beneath your abrasive surface. I'm, uh, pretty much totally in love you."

Rodney makes an expression of disbelief and wrinkles his nose.

"Really." John holds his gaze "You're the truest, best person I've ever known. I'm, uh, not saying these are all the reasons, I just... off the top of my head... Point is, you're really amazing... And, uh, I would be really, really lucky to be with you, in any way…

John's eyes flicker down uncertainly and back up to Rodney, "I mean, If you ever gave me another chance, I promise I wouldn't take it for granted."

No one has ever spoken to him like this before. Rodney is taken aback by litany of praise. He wants to let himself believe that John really loves him. John offers reasonable validations for his feelings. Only, it just doesn't make sense with what Rodney knows about himself.

Still, John seems to really believe it… at least for now. Rodney feels so helpless. He needs John desperately. But he is so afraid for John to know just how much.

He motions John to get up to rinse his hair. Rodney runs his fingers through John's hair, then down his face and neck. John's hair is clean and he has no reason touch anymore, but Rodney can't stop. He trails his fingers down over John's chest.

John looks heavy-lidded and sways, almost losing his footing. He grabs onto Rodney and pulling him backward into his chest.

Rodney closes his eyes and rests his back into John's embrace.

"Mere." John murmurs as he trials his lips along Rodney's neck, kissing him.

A light-headed and giddy feeling rushes through him as Rodney enjoys the warm wash of the shower running over them both.

"Oh my God." John's body suddenly stiffens and he stops, "I'm so sorry."

Oh. Rodney realizes that John's cock is hard against him.

Stumbling back away from Rodney, John tells him "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"No. It's okay." Rodney tries to assure him, "Don't be sorry, I mean, I'm sorry that I can't…"

"No!" John looks horrified, "Of course not. And I would never... I didn't mean to…"

"Guess you do find me attractive." Rodney smiles hesitantly.

"Yeah." John flushes, "I'm going to get out of the shower now."

"Sorry" Rodney feels guilty that he can't give John what he wants, "If I could-"

"I wouldn't." John cuts him off, "Won't. Not until you are sure. And not until I am very, ah, very sure, that you won't be hurt in any way." He smiles jokingly, "Besides, me and my hand, we're good friends by now."

Rodney suppresses a small laugh and watches John leave the room with a towel. He leans against the tiled wall and looks down at him own cock, almost fully erect.

He hasn't felt anything sexual like this, not since everything that happened. He wonders if it is even possible for him to try cum without seeing the ugly images that haunt him at night, the faces of the men who raped him.

Reaching down, he tentatively touches his cock. John had called it huge. Rodney strokes himself until he is completely hard. John's cock is bigger, but not by that much. Rodney has never really thought of himself as a guy with a big cock before, but he isn't much smaller than John. And John's cock truly is epic.

John's cock... Rodney closes his hand around his own erection and thinks about John holding him. He remembers the way it felt kissing John that night in the hotel room and closes his eyes in pleasure. In his mind he sees the longing and love in John's eyes…

He can taste John's clean skin as he kissed and bit into his neck. Oh God. John is under him now, letting Rodney have his way with his body... the way he did with his hair.

He has never stroked his cock thinking about this before. It used to be all about John fucking him with that massive cock. But this time, Rodney fantasizes about taking John and making him moan under him…

Moaning himself, Rodney feels close to cumming. Yeah, John is convulsing and shaking in pleasure with Rodney's cock deep inside him…

Yeah. John cumming under Rodney, calling out his name…

"Oh God. John" Rodney's body spasms as he cums into his hand.

He makes a noise of contentment as the aftershocks of the orgasm roll through him. It does still feel good. Rodney hadn't known if it was still possible. He hadn't really felt interested in trying until now. Painkillers probably have something to do with with that. It feels like the edge his fallen away from him a bit, but he still needs to figure out a way to get some more pills from Carson.

Carson. What is going to say to Carson to get more pills? It seems less prescient now. Rodney feels less irritable and anxious about it after the orgasm. He'll figure something out later.

When Rodney emerges from the bathroom he sees John changing the sheets. He looks up at Rodney a little guiltily. Rodney tilts his head and John's bashful smile confirms Rodney's suspicions.

"Were you thinking about me?" Rodney smirks.

"Definitely." John lifts his eyebrows playfully.

"I was too." Rodney admits, "In the shower… not thinking about myself, I mean."

John chuckles as Rodney continues, "I was thinking about you."

"Good." John straightens out the bedspread with a glint in his eyes.

Rodney turns to his cabinet to get dressed. He wants one of his blue shirts. Where are they?

They were here yesterday. Weren't they? Rodney pulls out multiple drawers in frustration, throwing clothes onto the floor. But as he tries to close one of the drawers that has turned up nothing, it seems stuck and he can't quite get it to move. As he pulls it back to change to angle, the entire drawer comes out, causing him to fall backwards onto the floor with in on his lap.

Filled with rage at the offending drawer, he stands up to put it back, his hands shaking. He leans closer and tries fit in.

And then Rodney loses it.

"Fucking-Goddamn-fucking-piece-of-shit. This fucking shit. Fuck!"

He grips onto the handles smashes the drawer against the cabinet. It doesn't yield to his satisfaction, so Rodney continues to assault the cabinet until the drawer begins to come apart.

"Rodney? Hey." He hears John's voice behind him, "What's going on? Wanna set that down for a minute?"

Still gripping the broken drawer, his eyes narrow as Rodney turns to face John, "No."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"Something wrong. What's wrong, Mere?" John seeing Rodney's arms are shaking.

"What's wrong is," Rodney grits his teeth, "I can't find my fucking shirt!"

John steps up to the cabinet and pulls one of the long sleeved blue shirts out. Rodney throws the drawer on the ground in fury and yanks the shirt from John's hands with a glare. As Rodney pulls the shirt on, John sees he is still shaking. He watches Rodney carefully as he continues to get dressed.

"What!?" Rodney turns to John with hostility and slams his hand into one of the intact drawers.

"I just want to…" John picks up Rodney's fallen towel, "check your feet and make sure…"

Accustomed to letting John tend to him, Rodney sits on the end of the bed. John uses a dry part of the towel to remove any excess moisture and smiles at Rodney cautiously.

"They're looking really good, Mere." but John feels a tremor in Rodney's legs. This is more than just anger, he is sure something is wrong.

He folds the towel and places in the hamper. Then he carefully picks up the strewn item on the floor and folds them back into place, finding room for them in the remaining drawers. John quietly picks up the broken pieces of the drawer and stacks them next the garbage can.

When he turns to look at Rodney again, he is lying in bed with his computer propped on his knees, glaring at the screen.

John steps out onto the balcony and radios Carson, asking him if he can come earlier today than he was planning to. Hearing the concern in John's voice, Carson tells him he will be there in a few minutes.

As he returns to the room John notices that Rodney's hands are trembling on the keyboard.

"So, Carson is coming by." he speaks up.

"I know." Rodney doesn't look up and keeps typing. He sounds annoyed.

"I mean, he is coming, now." John elaborates.

Rodney frowns and stops typing.

"I just wanted to let you know." John keeps his tone calm.

But Rodney doesn't answer seeming lost in thought. John picks up stray items around the room as he usually does, keeping it clean and tidy. When he hears the chime, John greets Carson at the door. He tells Carson that Rodney is shaking like a leaf and he seems to be experiencing mood swings.

"It's very understandable, considering what' he's been through." Carson assures John that he will check it out.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Carson walks in, concerned by the tone of John's voice over the com. He greets Rodney warmly, asking him how he is doing.

"Well, I'm in a lot of pain." Rodney frowns, "Other than that, I guess. Oh, um, I seem to have misplaced the bottle. So I'm in a lot of pain today."

"Rodney, I just gave you a new one." Carson sighs, he shakes his head and looks at John, "Did you lose it again?"

"What do mean, again?" John looks at Carson flabbergasted.

"Well, because you keep losing-" Carson stops mid-sentence as he sees the expression on John's face.

John is shaking his head, his face worried and scrunched into itself.

Turning back to Rodney, Carson asks, "Just how many of these pills had you been taking, Rodney?"

"I just take them for pain." Rodney answers defensively.

Feeling stupid for missing this, Carson closes his eyes, "How many a day, Rodney?"

"I don't know." Rodney shrugs, "I just take them when I'm in pain."

"Ah, so, is it, ah, physical or emotional pain?" Carson speaks softly.

"Whatever." Rodney flits his eyes around the room, "You know, enough to make everything go away."

"Okay, Rodney, that is not how they are meant to be used. This could have a real effect on-" Carson sits on the side of the bed, "Rodney, have you have any today?"

"No." Rodney rolls his eyes, "I told you I lost them."

"Okay." Carson is placating, "Could you do me a favor and hold out your arm for me."

Rodney complies; his scars are covered by a long sleeved shirt so he holds out his arm unselfconsciously. But his arm shakes visibly as he tries to hold it steady for Carson's inspection.

"Okay. That's good Rodney." Carson reassures him. He looks at John apologetically, "I should have seen this sooner. I'm sorry. I'll put together a new treatment regimen."

John nods as Rodney complains, "I don't need a new regimen, I just need a refill, of the old one."

"Rodney," Carson turns to his friend, "you know what withdrawal is, don't you?"

"Of course I know what withdrawal is," Rodney snaps, "I'm not an idiot."

"Well," Carson continues, "that is what you're body is going through right now."

"Please Carson, you don't understand. I need them, otherwise I feel everything, and I can't do that. It's too much. Everything is too much. Please understand that." Rodney pleads.

"I do understand." Carson is sympathetic, "And I will taper you down on some benzodiazepines. But for from now on the pain relief is going to be ibuprofen."

Rodney clutches at his shirt sleeves fitfully.

"Don't worry" Carson assures him, "I'm going to get you something right away to help calm you down. You aren't going to feel this way. The next few days might be a little rough but you are going to get through this, I promise."

"I'm tired of getting through this." Rodney looks weary.

"Mere," John reaches over and touches the back of Rodney's face, "we'll get through it. You've come a long way already. Just a little bit further, okay?"

Looking up at John with trust and surrender, Rodney and gives a meek nod.

Carson has some private words with John before he leaves to go get the medications. As he makes his way to the infirmary, Carson reflects on how John has taken care of Rodney over the last month and a half. It has really impressed him how he has tended to Rodney selflessly with such devotion.

He can't help but notice the way look at each other. The two of them obviously have a deep bond, one that Carson underestimated when he urged Rodney to try to move past his feelings for John. He is so grateful now that Rodney has John.

.  
.


	96. Hitting me isn't reward enough?

.  
.

The next few days are not easy for Rodney; he is fidgety and restless. But John sees it as a breakthrough. He is starting to seem like the old Rodney again –well, maybe Rodney when he was at his most irritable, but he'll take what he can get.

Besides, John has a new tool as his disposal. When Rodney seems like he just can't take it anymore, John coaxes him to play with his hair. It distracts him, he even seems happy for a while. John tries not to overuse the ploy; he doesn't want it to lose its effect.

Both days and nights are hard now. Rodney is alert again, but he is still distressed. Still, John has come up with a new plan. He tells Rodney he has surprise for him, that they are going to venture into the city, alone at night.

Rodney is fearful but John assures him that it is going to be fun. He reminds Rodney of all the late nights they spent together exploring the city and playing games into the wee hours. Rodney agrees as long as John can promise that he won't have to talk to anyone.

When Rodney makes it through the door outside his quarters, John is proud of him. Happy even. He can't believe Rodney is walking and he is out of the room. Now he just has to get Rodney happy too. The two of them make their way through the city and John leads Rodney into the gym.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"Oh, great." Rodney groans, "What, are you going to beat me up now?"

"Hmm-Mmm." John darts in front of Rodney playfully, "Nope. You're going to beat me up."

"Yeah, right." Rodney snorts.

"Come on." John dodges as if he is deflecting blows, "You know you'd like it. Don't tell me I don't deserve it?"

"What am I missing here?" Rodney peers at John.

"Okay. Here's the game." John points to some supplies against the wall, he picks out some padding and boxing equipment, "You are going to fight me, but I'm not going to fight back."

"How is that a game?" Rodney whines derisively.

"Well," John attaches some padding to his midsection, "if you can manage to take me down, you win. Still, even with those odds, I think it's going to be a challenge for you"

"You do deserve it." Rodney purses his lips and narrows his eyes.

"Yeah," John wags his head at Rodney, "think all those time when I teased you mercilessly and you no comebacks, all those times when you just wanted to haul off and punch me in the face. Well, now's your chance for payback."

"I had comebacks." Rodney protests.

John winces sarcastically and raises his hands in a reproachful shrug.

Now Rodney is fuming, his whole face set into glare.

Handing Rodney the boxing gloves, John helps him put them on.

He teases, "Let's see if you can take me... If you get in one solid punch in, even with both of my hands tied behind my back, then I owe you a chocolate bar."

"You're on." Rodney moves his hands feeling the extra weight of the gloves; he moves onto the padded floor watches John's movements. After faking a few throws, Rodney lands one. He smacks John hard, straight into the jaw.

Reeling his head back, John holds his chin, "Whoa. Okay. Okay. I'm a man of my word. I owe you a chocolate bar... but you know…"

"I think I'm gonna need one of these." John picks up the padded face guard, and pulls it over his face. Rodney smirks, thinking this is more fun that he thought it would be.

"So, John tells him, "anywhere you can hit is a valid target, it doesn't always have to be the face."

"So, do I get a chocolate bar for every score?"

"Hitting me isn't reward enough?" John looks exasperated even through the mask.

Rodney smiles and follows John around the room. He gets a satisfying punch into John's stomach. John tries to evade him but Rodney lands another hit onto the side of his face. It feels good when hears that solid smacking sound.

He likes the feeling of power he has when he lands a punch. John darts and dodges but Rodney keeps up with him and John is taking real beating. It takes some work and Rodney is a bit out of breath from the exertion. But it is just challenging enough to keep Rodney interested, easy enough bring him satisfaction.

John is getting his ass kicked and Rodney is winning. Rodney likes to win. He starts to taunt John about it and John looks frustrated, trying harder, but unsuccessfully, to evade him.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John tries hard to put on a front, to make it seem like he is attempting to avoid Rodney, but really what he wants, what Rodney needs, is to hit something. John doesn't know how he would have made through life himself without that valuable tool.

A tool Rodney never seemed to pick up. John knows Rodney doesn't like to be bad at something, he wants to excel immediately. So John is giving him that chance. Letting Rodney be good at this, enough to whet his appetite and show him what he has been missing.

And Rodney is flushed and excited; he is finally getting some exercise. He has gotten so thin and pale lately. It is nice to see some color in his cheeks. John can tell every time Rodney lands a blow, that it feels good for him. He is going to keep Rodney at it as long as he can. Maybe Rodney will sleep better tonight and maybe it will help with the nightmares.

"Admit it, I so win." Rodney seems exhilarated by the end of the game.

"You won." John puts away the supplies and sounds humbled, "Guess I underestimated you".

"An all too common error, I assure you…" Rodney is smug, "maybe next time we could add a level of difficulty."

"I don't know, I guess I could try again" John hides his excitement and feigns defensiveness, "No. Fine tomorrow night, we go again."

"You're on." Rodney gives John a defiant look.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney eats very little in the evening, due to the effect of the recurring nightmares. Mostly he drinks juice to keep his blood sugar level up. Before bed, Rodney tires himself by soundly beating John in the gym. It becomes one of their rituals at night. John had started to teach Rodney some good attacks and strikes. John tries to evade the techniques, but Rodney is usually able to land his blows.

Sometimes he takes John down entirely, so that he is flat on the floor. By the time they are done, Rodney is exhausted and ready for sleep.

They quickly take turns showering and then Rodney climbs happily into John's arms. And John is there to hold Rodney at night when he wakes up screaming, when the men come for him. He is embarrassed that he still throws up afterwards, mostly he dry heaves because he his stomach is empty.

John keeps a cool cloth on Rodney's brow and rubs his back until it passes. Then John takes back to bed Rodney, soothing and caressing him until his falls asleep again. He buries himself into John's chest and lets John hold him; he makes the demons go away.

He strokes Rodney's hair and tells him that he is healing, getting stronger every day. Rodney isn't so sure that is true but as long as he has John here with him it is bearable. He is so scared the John will leave him alone. He promised he wouldn't, but Rodney is still afraid. He tries not to let himself think about the fear, just to let himself surrender to the comfort of John's strong arms around him.

Rodney has gotten used to Ronan's occasional visits. He has even started talking to him a little bit. It is a relief that Ronan treats him the same way he always did and asks no questions. Ronan seems very amused by the stories of how John is getting his ass handed to him by Rodney.

Ronan teases John, "How hard can it be, getting out of the way in time before you smacks you?"

"It's harder than it looks"

"You're losing your edge, old man," Ronan shakes his head at John, "gotta fight with me some time."

When Ronan leaves, John tells Rodney that he has a surprise for him.

Curious, Rodney looks up from the bed, "What kind of surprise?"

"Just a movie I think you'll like." John pulls his laptop.

"Don't make me wait, tell me what it is."

"Give me 5 minutes. You'll see."

"You know I'm no good at waiting." Rodney complains.

"It's not a Christmas present! 5 minutes." John chuckles, as he sets up the laptop and snuggles into bed with Rodney.

Rodney sighs into John's arms and waits. He doesn't recognize the first scene right away, the rain falling drearily over a window pane. Then the shot pans back to an actor sitting on the bed, hearing his wife's voice ask, "Don't you love me anymore?"

Ah, it's 'Solaris'. "You remembered." Rodney is taken aback.

"Of course I remembered your favorite movie."

"Oh, well." Rodney is still impressed, "It was just that one time I told you."

"It was a pretty memorable conversation." John's arms tighten around him.

Leaning back into John's chest, he whispers up to him, "Just to warn you, it's a little slow."

"I remember." John kisses the back of Rodney's neck, "You told me."

"Yeah, guess I already ruined the plot for you."

"I don't think so, I'm fascinated to see what fascinates you."

A while later John murmurs, "It is hypnotic. The music, I mean."

"Mmm."

When the first line of the Dylan Thomas poem is mentioned, Rodney feels John take a deep breath.

He squeezes John's arms and they watch in silence for a time. They reach scene where the poem comes to fruition, quoted as the woman takes her own life, dying with the crumpled page in her hand.

The copy of his wife, Rheya, remembers her death and looks to her husband in horror, "You found me."

"I came back for you." He tells her, "I'm sorry."

There are a lot of people killing themselves in this movie. Rodney knows it is a difficult theme for John. Suddenly he thinks back to his recent death wish. God, how could he have been so selfish? Rodney reaches up to caress John's face.

He turns his head and kisses the side of John's neck, holding his lips there. John makes a happy moan and pulls him in even closer into his chest.

The film is a fragmentation of visuals that pass back and forward through time. Toward the end of the film, the death scene where the man finds his wife's body is played out to end. He finds the poem clutched in her hand, sobbing and rocking her body.

John's breath stutters and Rodney turns around to look up at him with tenderness. "You okay?"

"Yeah," John gives small smile and pulls Rodney back to his chest, "just reminds me of something."

Rodney relaxes back into John to watch the rest of the film. The man is evacuated back to Earth after it seems the copy of his wife has been destroyed.

"But he comes back for her, right?" John asks leaning forward a little.

"Just keep watching."

The movie continues with its spliced visuals. Scenes where the man is back on Earth… Scenes where he is back in the space station…

Then he is reunited with his wife, confused and asking, "Am I alive… or dead"

She smiles at him, "We don't have to think like that anymore. We're together now. Everything we've done is forgiven. Everything."

Those are the last lines of the film. The credits start to play the haunting ethereal music of the score.

"That's like what you said to me…" John whispers.

"What?"

"Everything is forgiven now."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess I kind of borrowed some of that, "Rodney admits, "I still meant it, even if it wasn't entirely original."

John sighs, "Did you?"

"Yes." Rodney turns around to face him.

"So what happened in the end, did he come back for her?" John looks pensive.

"Yes. And they found a way to live inside that feeling forever. Inside Solaris."

"I wonder what forgiveness… What does that even really mean? Is there a way let go of the past or…" John presses his lips together they he does when he is trying to figure something out, "to live inside a perfect moment… or is that an illusion we dream up to delude ourselves?"

"I believe in it." Rodney looks to John with wide eyes, "I believe we can be free from the past. That we can love again."

"That's because you're a romantic." John smiles sadly.

"… John?"

John sighs again, "I don't know if I'll ever be… I don't think I can forgive myself."

"What do you want to be forgiven for?" Rodney asks gently.

"Too much, I think." John eyes are heavy and sad.

"Tell me." Rodney places his hands in John's chest and looks up at him earnestly.

"Oh, Rodney." John winces slightly, closing his eyes and shaking his head, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything between us. I'm sorry for Antarctica, for being so cold and… I'm sorry for pulling you close and then pushing you away…

When John's eyes open again he looks heavy with sorrow, "I can't forgive myself for leaving you alone that night in the shower... and that night on the pier. How could push you up against a wall and?... God. For being so careless with you emotionally and always expecting you to come back. I was cold and unforgiving. Not how I should have been, none of it is how I wanted to be with you. I don't deserve-"

"We're together now." Rodney pulls John fiercely into his arms, "Everything we've done is forgiven. Everything."

"I don't deserve-"

"Everything, John."

"When you say it, I almost believe it… that we're…" John laughs a little bitterly, "good".

"Why wouldn't we be?"

"There's just so much…" John shakes his head softly, "so much I wish I'd done differently."

"Tell me." Rodney places a hand on the side of John's face, "Whatever it is I'll forgive you."

"It's not all yours to pardon."

"Doesn't matter, I'll still forgive you."

"Okay…" John bites his lip, "I didn't save Lyle, or Mitch, or Dex… Ford or Elizabeth…" I failed my wife, family, especially my mother-"

"How did you fail her?" Rodney exclaims, "You were only a kid."

"Should have found her sooner. If I'd gotten there sooner, even just a few minutes, she could have been saved."

"What do you mean?" Rodney gapes, "You found her?"

"Uh… she, she was in the bathroom. Cut herself, bled out on the floor."

"And you found her?" Rodney asks again.

"Yeah, I was the one who found her."

"Jesus." Rodney wraps his arms around John, "Is that where all this started?"

"All what?"

"Blaming yourself, feeling responsible for saving everyone…"

"Maybe." John answers dully.

"And you've been carrying this around the whole time?" Rodney feels a pang of sadness at the realization, "Thinking you were to blame for her death?"

"I was." John answers like a soldier.

"No." Rodney shakes John's shoulders and looks into his eyes, "You're not. None of us are responsible for the actions others take."

John gives Rodney a resigned look.

"Am I responsible for what those men did to me?"

"No,"John makes a sick face. "I am."

"What?!"

"You followed me out there… I didn't see the threat, I didn't see it coming, and I didn't protect you."

"None of this is your fault!" Rodney's voice raises in pitch, "You're not an omnipotent being! How the hell are you supposed to intervene every time there is danger around the corner? You've rescued me and everyone else on Atlantis… and, and, Earth countless times. How many times do you have to risk your life? How many times is enough? I don't blame you for your past emotional damage any more than you blame me for mine. You've done everything you possibly could have. John, look at me…"

John meets Rodney's gaze and stares in silence for a moment, "…I just always wondered, you know, why…"

"Oh." Rodney pulls John gently back into his arms, "John, whatever the reason, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't. You were so young to face that kind of loss and trauma all alone. It shouldn't have been that way. You shouldn't have had to feel responsible… or be so alone in the world when you were just a boy."

Feeling like his words are having little impact, Rodney sighs. He says the one thing seems to get through to John, "So, ah, you should know… Everything is forgiven now. Everything."

"Thank you, Mere." John exhales deeply in relief.

.  
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	97. What are your intentions?

.  
.

It has been about 2 months since they made it back and John knows Rodney is getting stronger. Nearly healed, physically, that is. John does what he can to try to help Rodney emotionally. At least he is here, present, not lost in a haze of painkillers. But he is frayed around the edges. He still refuses to venture out of the room in daylight hours. Still plagued by demons. John is too.

When John invites Carson and Ronan to join in the game he has invented for therapeutic purposes, Carson declines but Ronan slaps John on the shoulder, "You're a good friend. John… Maybe I could teach him a thing of two?"

"You can't actually fight him." John explains, "He's not ready for anything like that. He needs… he needs to be physical, to get it out, without feeling there is any threat."

Ronan frowns with understanding; "I could still teach him some moves, if he'd let me."

"Just promise to be gentle with him." John warns.

"I promise." Ronan is solemn.

Later that night, John tries to interest Rodney, "You know, Ronan says he'd like to see how hard this game really is."

"Oh, no." Rodney rears his head back, "I'm not fighting the giant."

"He won't be fighting you at all, just trying to get out of your way." John assures, "Haven't you ever wanted a chance to hit him without any consequences?"

"Of course I have…" Rodney makes a face, "I just, are you sure he wouldn't try to attack me? Cause he's tried to give me sparring lessons before and I can't say they were much fun."

"I think this will different." John smiles, "And I'll be there to take you on if you feel the need to fight me instead."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney has tried not to let himself think about this too much, but he can see what John is doing. If it weren't helping him so much, he would have stopped the farce of this game a while ago.

But it feels so good to get the aggression out, to feel powerful and strong for a little while. He can feel his stamina and strength growing; he can tell it is actually getting harder for John.

Still, Ronan sounds like a big challenge and Rodney feels a bit scared to try to hit the guy. But John will be there. Rodney trusts John and he lets him lead him down to his new opponent.

Ronan gestures warmly when they arrive, "Hey, Rodney".

He has seemed knows better than to try to give Rodney one of his affectionate arm slaps, maybe John said something to him.

John gets out the boxing gloves and warms Ronan, "Okay, this is harder than it looks."

Stopping John, Ronan asks, "Can I just show Rodney a few things first?"

Rodney lifts his eyebrows in concern.

Addressing Rodney, Ronan tells him, "What I want to show you, is just a few ways to hit me, if you really want to take me down. I'm a big guy, different center of gravity."

Reluctantly, Rodney joins him on the mat.

"Okay, that's good just stand there. Now, If I'm standing like this" Ronan changes his stance, "The best way get me is to throw your leg at the back of my knees and hit me here."

Rodney eyes him uncertainly.

"Why don't we try a practice round? I won't move and you can…" Ronan gestures "kick, then punch"

He hasn't been doing any kicking with John, but his feet are healed enough to do it. Rodney watches the motion and memorizes it.

Then Ronan gives Rodney a nod to go-ahead.

He feels his stance out, getting a footing where he won't lose his balance. Then Rodney rears his leg back and kicks Ronan squarely under the knees.

Ronan is folding down and Rodney delivers a double punch. To his chest and jaw. It worked but Rodney holds his hand unexpected pain. Ronan's face is hard.

"Did that even hurt you?" Rodney asks.

"Not really." Ronan's dreads shake with his head and he jumps back up, "But you got the idea."

When John hands him the gloves, Rodney is grateful.

After Ronan shows Rodney another couple of moves by having John demonstrate them, Rodney tries. They are pretty easy and Rodney wonders if this is going to get more interesting. Ronan opts out on the protective gear and begins weaving around Rodney, making a display of his skills.

While Rodney chases Ronan, he theatrically runs up against a wall and repels himself into another direction with a leap. But Rodney keeps up. It is a small room, not far to go. And something about Ronan's dance is predictable.

He finally lands a blow and adds a kick for good measure.

"What else you got little man?" Ronan smiles darkly and gets back up, eyes sparkling with challenge.

"Just because you're a giant, doesn't mean I'm little." Rodney glares.

Rodney catches a smirking Ronan off guard and smacks him across the face. Oh shit.  
He looks up at Ronan a little fearfully.

Ronan eyes are still amused and he darts to Rodney's side. The younger man has more energy and agility than Rodney, so it is harder to catch him, but Rodney still gets him. He tries out a few of Ronan's moves and takes him to his knees more than once. After an hour or so, Rodney has to stop because he is winded.

"Not bad." Ronan congratulates him, "Maybe next time I'll teach a couple other moves."

Next time? Ronan wants a next time? Rodney agrees, "Okay, next time."

"Thanks for saving my ass tonight, buddy." John jokes.

"See you tomorrow night." Ronan slaps John on the shoulder.

.  
.

Over the next couple weeks Rodney looks forward to his fighting time more than anything else. Sometimes he takes the two of them of together, sometimes they add defensive blocks. There is always a next level of difficulty to try out, but Rodney still always wins, always gets to hit something hard and hear the satisfying smack the gloves makes on contact.

Tonight Rodney is going to fight Ronan alone while John catches up with Dave on the phone. It is the first time in about 8 weeks that Rodney has left the room without John. He feels safe enough with Ronan though and wonders what Ronan has in mind for tonight.

He groans with he sees Ronan picks up one of Teyla's fighting sticks.

"Don't worry" Ronan tells him, "I won't be using one. Thought you might like to see how it feels to hit with something other that your fists. It can feel good too."

Ronan gives himself some protective gear and tells Rodney he can hit as hard as he wants. As long he can catch him, this is. Rodney takes the stick and looks at it reflectively. He hasn't had much luck with these things before.

"Look," Ronan offers, "I'll stand still for the first one, just to give you a sense of how it works."

Fiddling with the stick in his hands, Rodney is unsure of how to wield it.

"Ah," Ronan stands back up from his defensive position, "can I show you the best way to hold it?"

Rodney's chest feels tight but nods, allowing Ronan to stand up against him and hold the stick above Rodney's grip. He doesn't even flinch when Ronan's arms brush along his.

"Here." Ronan demonstrates, "You want to loosen wrists a little a bit. and then…"

"In here." Ronan touches Rodney's elbows, "Yeah. You're gonna swing from your shoulders. If you relax a little, I'll make couple swings with you."

"There you go." Ronan grunts in approval, "Like that. And one more time…"

"Good. You got the hang of it." Ronan releases his hold on the stick.

"Did John ask you to do this?" Rodney asks him.

"Sort of." Ronan shrugs, "But I would have done it if you asked."

He looks at Rodney with curiosity, "You know, there's something I've been wanting to ask you…"

Rodney waits but when a question doesn't come, he offers, "Okay, well then, ask me."

"What are…" Ronan tilts his head to one side and peers at Rodney, "your intentions with John?"

"My intentions?" Rodney swallows nervously.

"Yeah, " Ronan begins, "You know, romantic intentions."

"Oh." Rodney face flushes, "Wait, why? Do you have intentions?"

With a chuckle, Ronan answers, "No. He's my best friend. I care about what happens to him."

Rodney is speechless being confronted like this, he hadn't really considered how much Ronan might know but now it is obvious, "Uh, I don't know what John has said, but I don't want to say anything if it's-"

"John's told me plenty." Ronan interrupts, "But I just want to know what your intentions are with him."

Realizing that Ronan is being protective, Rodney doesn't like feeling like he is being doubted. His pride is a little ruffled, "Oh. Well, I have romantic intentions. Very romantic intentions. I have for a long time, I just didn't know… how he would feel."

"And now?" Ronan frowns but looks neutral.

It doesn't matter if Ronan knows. John trusts him so Rodney will too. Rodney sighs and relaxes his shoulders, "Well, I, I love him."

"I thought you might." Ronan nods looking pleased, he slaps Rodney on the shoulder and Rodney flinches involuntarily.

"I'm very happy for you both." Ronan tells him.

"Well," Rodney looks downcast, "with everything that's happened…. It's not like…"

"You have found each other and that is worth celebrating." Ronan's voice is strong.

"Uh, Yeah. It...Yeah." Rodney smiles weakly.

"So I have another question…"

"What else?" Rodney makes an impatient noise.

"What about Jennifer?" Ronan shifts his weight.

Rodney feels doubted again, "Well, I was trying to get over him, move on with my life, you know…. I still, I still felt the same way about him. And eventually I came to my senses and broke things off with her."

"Yeah, I know." Ronan sounds sincere, "What I mean is… Would it affect our friendship if I still had intentions with her?"

Is Ronan asking his permission? Rodney is surprised by the turn of the conversation.

"Cause I wouldn't have intentions" Ronan continues, "if it would affect things between me and you. That comes first. Just thought I'd ask."

"No. No." Rodney's mouth falls open and he thinks for a second, "It wouldn't affect things with us. She and I never got that involved anyway. I would want you to be happy, and, her, to be happy. If that's what makes you happy."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure. I'm Sure." Rodney smiles, then he sees Ronan coming in for a bear hug and braces himself.

"Thanks, buddy." Ronan clasps Rodney warmly to his chest, he just submits and relaxes while being crushed by Ronan's strength.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

There has been a lot of activity on Atlantis since it landed on Earth, but Ronan hasn't had a lot to do. All missions had been temporarily suspended, pending IOA review. They have been arguing over the location of Atlantis and it's role over the last couple months.

The stargate has been shut down since it superseded control over the one at the SGC headquarters. Now it is starting to sound like Atlantis may become the new head of operations and Woolsey is expecting more new personnel to be joining them soon.

Ronan has been spending even more time with Jennifer. After Rodney gave him the go ahead, Ronan broke things off with Amelia. Things with Jennifer just feel so right, it is just a matter of getting the timing right. Everything is about timing.

Like right now, the way she is looking at him reminds of him of the kiss they almost shared that day so long ago in the infirmary.

"Ronan?" her voice makes him start.

"Hmm."

"You seem lost in thought."

"Was just thinking about you."

"Were you? What were you thinking?" Jennifer looks shy.

Now's as good a time as any he supposes, "Was just thinking about that time we almost kissed." Ronan gives her a smoldering look. "Thinking about how I'd like to kiss you now."

"Well," Jennifer flushes, "Well.. Maybe you should."

"Maybe I will." Ronan eyes sparkle.

"Well mayb- Mphhhhhh."

Ronan cuts her off and presses his full lips against hers. Her kiss is delicious, succulent. He cups her face bends her back to take him more fully. Jennifer is pliant, opening her lips, still moaning as he takes what he has wanted for so long.

He pushes his warm tongue into her mouth and she returns the kiss eagerly. It feels so right; nothing has felt this right in so long. Ronan pulls her body closer into him and lets her feel the strength of his desire for her. She wraps her arms around his neck and twirls her tongue in his mouth.

Then she pulls away to catch her breath, "Oh my God. Is that what it would have been like?"

"Something like that." Ronan smiles as he goes in for another kiss.

Jennifer lunges at him passionately, grabbing into his dreadlocks. Her mouth is soft but demanding, it feels like she wants this as much as he does.

They kiss and grasp at each other desperately. No words just pure physical sensation for long time.

"So, so…" Jennifer finally breaks away, "Does mean things with Amelia are over now?"

"Yeah." Ronan kisses her softly, "I was kinda hoping the girl I really liked might be-"

"Yes. Yes, she is." Jennifer gushes before kissing him back.

Ronan was planning on taking things slowly, but things with Jennifer get out of hand. The attraction is just so strong; before they know it they are back in his quarters. He hopes that she won't take it as sign that isn't serious.

"I've been wanting for this for so long." Ronan realizes he has said it out loud. He looks down at her beautiful naked spread out on his bed.

"I want something real with you…" He kisses her tenderly, "that's why I waited... Well, too long…"

"Me too." Jennifer nods with her huge brown eyes glued to him.

"Good." Ronan cups her face, 'Cause what I feel for you is…"

She kisses him and gushes, "God, you are so hot." grabbing onto his muscled arms, "Mmm. Just… I want you so bad."

At that, Ronan loses control and takes her completely. They have wild sex for half the afternoon and afterwards Jennifer drapes her spent figure over Ronan's solid form, trailing her fingers on his chest.

They talk and kiss but eventually hunger drives them to get up and make a trip to cafeteria.

Jennifer stands up to get dressed and Ronan pulls her playfully back down to the bed, "So, we hanging out tonight?"

"I thought you were going to hang out with John and Rodney tonight?" She giggles.

"Yeah. After."

"Oh, after." Jennifer smiles in amusement, "Like, in your bed, after?"

"Something like that."

"Okay. After." Jennifer stands back up and starts putting on her bra.

Ronan grins and reaches for his clothes on the floor.

"You know," Jennifer looks at him thoughtfully, "I mean… You realize I know what's going on with John and Rodney, right? You don't have to be so secretive about it."

He gives her an innocent look as he pulls on his shirt.

She continues, "I know John's the one he's in love with and they've been spending all this time together… I mean, I don't know what happened with the accident and all, but the rest of it seems pretty clear."

"Well," Ronan frowns, "whatever you think you know, I hope you won't talk about it with anyone. That's not the kind of thing-"

"Right. No. I totally know. I just thought between us… you know?"

Shuffling his leg in his pants, Ronan tells her, "I think you should talk to them if you want to know what's going on."

"But it's not like I ever see them anymore."

"Is this 'cause you still have feelings for Rodney?" Ronan asks.

Jennifer looks shocked. She glides over the bed to Ronan's side and reaches her arms up around him, "No. No way. I'm only interested in you."

"It's just," She looks a little sad, "they were my friends before… and now, I don't know. I've been worried. It's hard not knowing what's going on with them."

"Don't worry, I'm looking after them. I'm sure you'll see them again soon." Ronan kisses her little frown.

.  
.

When Ronan gets up to Rodney's room, John shouts that the door is sees the two of them wrestling on the couch, John has get Rodney nearly pinned down.

Rodney wriggles out from under and John lunges at him again, "Get back here."

John throws Rodney on his back and holds him down.

"Ronan, help he's killing me!"

"You're on your own buddy" Ronan chuckles.

"No, not fair." Rodney gasps.

"Oh, It's all so unfair, unless you can cheat." John taunts him.

"I never cheat." Rodney gives in but sounds sullen.

Laughing, John helps Rodney up off the couch. As Rodney finds his feet, John pulls him into an embrace, hugging Rodney back into his chest.

John looks smitten as he murmers "Mere."

Rodney looks at Ronan with a slight flush to his face. For a moment he looks embarrassed, but when he sees Ronan's earsplitting grin, he smiles back.

Then John releases his hold and goes to get the cards. Ronan has noticed that Rodney taken to wearing John's long sleeved shirts, they don't look bad on him. It's nice to see the two of them so happy together.

The door chimes again and Rodney goes to greet Carson. While the two of them chat, Ronan goes walks across the room to John.

"Hey." He speaks in a low voice, "I just wanted to give you a heads up."

John looks up expectantly.

"So Jennifer's basically figured this whole thing out. Ever since Rodney left, she's been talking about it. I haven't said anything, but she knows."

"Oh." John stiffens, "She knows."

"Yeah, I mean, Rodney broke up with her to go after someone else. She put the pieces together. I don't think she would ever say anything, but I figured you should know."

"Yeah. Okay thanks." John nods tensely.

"John." Carson calls out, "You're looking well. And Ronan good to see you."

The four of them sit around the table as John deals the cards for them to play Spades.

As the game progresses Ronan and Carson fall behind. Ronan teases Rodney that he and John must be cheating. "You two have some sort of signal system worked out, I know it."

"I do not cheat." Rodney grimaces, "I can't be blamed for my intellect."

Instead of his supplying one of his usual retorts, Ronan smiles thinking about Jennifer.

"What's up with you?" John asks, "You seem awful smiley tonight."

"Huh." Ronan's smile widens, "Yeah. Uh…"

"Yeah?" John tilts his head.

"Yeah." Ronan ducks his head in chagrin.

Rodney peers at him in confusion and then a slow smile makes it way over his face as well, "Oh. So… Oh. I guess the best man won after all."

"Sure did." Ronan lifts his head happily.

.  
.


	98. It's nothing, it's just-- I win

.  
.

John is really trying but it hasn't been enough to get Rodney through this. Jeanie has begun to contact him, wondering what it wrong.

He feels like he has failed and needs to come up with a new plan. Rodney still refuses to speak to a therapist, getting irate at the very idea. He has yet to venture out of the city by himself or speak to anyone other than John, Carson, and Ronon. He doesn't want to be impatient. Maybe what Rodney needs is more understanding about his depression, not someone pushing him to get over it.

For John, there are only a few things that have helped him through the worst times -flying, hitting stuff , and listening to music being the main ones. He knows he isn't the best model of emotional health.

In fact these days, he would be falling apart himself if he wasn't so worried about Rodney. John feels emotional remembering the man who had kissed him the hotel room just a few months ago. 'Please come back to me, Rodney.'

Maybe he just needs to stop trying so hard and Rodney find his own way home. John tries to let go but he still feels the need the push Rodney somehow. He decides to plan a picnic, just before the sun goes down. That is when he and Rodney normally eat dinner these days.

If John times it right, he can get Rodney out into the city during daylight, then finish dinner just as the sun sets along the water. It should be beautiful. John packs a bounty of food and beer as well as some personal items and games that might come in handy.

Rodney is not in a good mood when John gets back and doesn't like his idea of a picnic on the pier. He tells John that he can't face people, not yet.

The disappointment must show on John's face because Rodney apologies, "I'm sorry, I know I've been difficult. I'll try harder I promise."

"No, no. Mere I'm sorry." John shakes his head in guilt, "I didn't mean to push you."

He takes Rodney in his arms and holds him tenderly and kisses him on the forehead, "We can have a picnic here, on the balcony."

"No." Rodney pushes himself back from John, "You know what? I'm going out to the pier."

John shakes his head, "It's not a good time yet, you don't need to…"

"Well, I'm going out, with or without you. I'd prefer there to be food." Rodney is insistent.

"Mere…"

Rodney blinks at him stubbornly, "If you pushed me in the wheelchair, do you think that might keep people from talking to me? You know, like no one would grab my shoulder casually and say 'Where have you been?' They might think my legs are broken or something, nothing too weird, they would leave us alone."

"Okay," John watches Rodney's face, wondering if he is ready for this, "whatever you want, Mere."

"I want to go." Rodney walk over to the wheelchair, "I just need a blanket for my legs. You know, like FDR?"

John finds a small blanket and folds it neatly over Rodney's legs.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney is pleased, "Perfect. now let's go."

But when John places the basket on Rodney's lap he objects, "This makes me look like less of an invalid, you know?"

"Well" John explains, "if I have to push you, it's going to be hard to carry the basket at the same time."

"Very well." Rodney sighs, "The trials and tribulations of a brilliant physicist continue."

The hall is empty as John wheels him out. "So far, so good." John smiles.

As they get further out, they pass some people. A few turn and look but no one speaks to them. They make their way unfettered by any social explanations. John pushes Rodney the long distance to the edge of the pier.

"I'm glad I didn't walk now." Rodney comments.

"Right." John answers sarcastically. "Me too."

They reach the edge and Rodney hops up, looking around, "Wow. It's really cool out here."

John lays out the big blanket and starts to set out the food. Rodney has always been jealous that John took Chaya on a picnic instead of him. But this spread looks far better than the basket John had packed all those years ago in the Pegasus galaxy. He sees John has also brought some beer, a local bottled brew instead of cans.

Settling himself into the blanket, Rodney feels a mixture of gratitude and fear. Gratitude that he has had John to help him through this... but still so much fear that John will leave if knows how much Rodney really needs him.

The two of them enjoy a lively banter over the meal. When they are done, John opens a couple of beers. Rodney used to hate beer, but he has grown to like it, drinking it with John. The two of them sit shoulder to shoulder with their legs dangling over the edge.

In case they get cold as the sun goes down, John has wrapped the small blanket over their shoulders The sunset is amazing to see, Rodney has forgotten what it was like to be outdoors. He should have come out here sooner.

The beer gives Rodney a warm light-headed feeling. He has never been able to drink much without getting tipsy. The feelings in his chest grow more intense under the mild effect of the beer. John. He loves John so much. How is ever going to make this up to him, to be someone John would want to be with? Rodney hates himself for how broken and afraid he is. Maybe if he didn't know they were coming for him… Every night it is the same. Rodney hunches into himself feeling small and sorrowful.

Reaching away from Rodney for moment, John returns with something in his hand, "You know, I used to listen to this song a lot, over the last year or so. Lyle gave it to me and… it's kinda sad but hopeful, like that things things will someday be better."

Rodney studies John's face as he continues, "And this was kind of like, my therapy. I didn't know what else to do being so heartbroken and lost… I couldn't imagine that anything would ever change between us, but I wanted to hope. Someday, somehow."

"You were heartbroken?" Rodney feels dizzy and emotional.

"Yeah." John answers huskily.

"Why?" Rodney isn't sure what to make of this.

"Mere." John gives him a knowing look.

He takes another sip off his beer and furrows his brows at John in a question.

John rubs his thumb over the case of the music device, "I don't expect this song made it any better, but it was cathartic… And I know it won't make you better, but I just thought you might like it. It's about… redemption and... resurrection."

"Do you want to try it?" John offers Rodney some ear buds, "It's best heard with beer, staring off into the sunset."

Lifting his beer up against the orange stained sky, Rodney smiles in agreement. John places one of the earpieces on himself and then puts the other one into Rodney's ear. The two of them snuggle close under the blanket and John hits the play button.

The song is spare but haunting. Rodney hears the strumming of a sad guitar and a man with a mournful voice. The pain is exquisite, this man has clearly lived through a lot of pain.

The lyrics are simple and elegant. Rodney can't decide which part moves him more, the sad slow guitar, the low wail of the voice, or the words themselves. The sorrow of each verse is punctuated by a glimmer of hope as the singer begs, 'Thought I heard a resurrection song."

It is over too fast and Rodney wants to ask John to play it again, but it starts again on it's own. It sounds like everything Rodney feels in inside. Not being able to sleep, trying to be free from all the pain… the damage in his eyes and confusion in his mind. Rodney feels like he is fading away, like he is hated and disgusting. He is weary and journey has no end. There is nothing to do but go on.

The singer wails, "Better keep your heart strong little friend." But there is that glimmering of hope in the refrain, "Thought I heard a resurrection song."

He imagines John being this sad and feels a sharp stab inside his chest. Had John really felt this heartbroken? Over him? Rodney takes John's hand and squeezes it.

John's hand is warm, strong, he twines his fingers though Rodney's and massages Rodney's palm with his thumb. John takes a long drink on his beer and finishes it. His eyes gaze over the horizon and they look so sad to Rodney.

The thought hits him. John is still sad. Because of him. Rodney wishes he could make this better. Maybe there is nothing to do but wait for redemption, some kind of resurrection. Rodney moves his hand in John's, to soothe him, the way John always soothes Rodney.

Still holding Rodney's hand, John absently reaches for another beer with his other arm. Rodney lets the song lull him into a mediation, a cathartic emotional release, as John had said. It takes Rodney another 10 minutes to finish his first beer and he feels too buzzed to have another. He pulls the earpiece away and John puts the player aside.

"That was so sad…" Rodney sighs, "but good."

"Glad you liked it." John's voice is low, "You hold onto it, use it any time you need."

"Thank you." Rodney looks at John thoughtfully and John gives him a wistful smile in return.

"So you were this sad… over me?" Rodney asks.

John nods.

"Were you…" Rodney pauses for a moment, "heartbroken over me when you left for your Dad's funeral?"

John nods again.

"What about when I showed you my ring for Katie, the day I was going to propose… Did you feel that way about me, then?"

John closes his eyes nods deeply.

He goes further back, "When you were inside my mind to save me from the doppelganger?"

Another nod.

"Okay…" Rodney searches his mind, "when Carson died?"

John continues with his simple response, bobbing his head.

"The night you told me about Lyle?" Rodney wants to figure out the puzzle pieces.

"Well," John pauses, "probably, I just hadn't admitted it to myself yet."

"When then?" Rodney asks wide-eyed.

Pressing his lips together before speaking, John tells him, "I knew when we almost lost you, from the Ascension machine."

"Ha!" Rodney exclaims, before he realizes it.

"What?" John tilts his head.

"Oh." Rodney fumbles, "It's nothing. It's just… I win."

"What are you talking about, Rodney?" John screws his face up.

"Well, that's what?" Rodney counts on his fingers, "Like 3 years? Well, I beat you by at least 2. I think I loved you from the beginning... But I admitted that I was in love with you over 5 years ago, so…"

John's expression gets intense and his bites hard into his lower lip. He stares at Rodney and speaks slowly in disbelief, "You… love me?"

Why does John seem so surprised? Rodney can see John's chest rise and fall quickly.

"Yes, of course I love you. You've... known that this whole time, ...haven't you?"

Shaking his head, John looks stunned and elated at the same time.

Rodney feels a pang of guilt. He has been so worried about scaring John away by being needy, John hasn't even realized Rodney loves him. He tries to think back over the last few months and can't remember saying it once, even though John has said it so often. He has been selfish and cowardly without even realizing it.

"Oh." Rodney's voice is small.

.  
.


	99. So much homoerotic tension, much kissing

.  
.

Looking at John in the failing light, Rodney sees him fully. The rapid breath, the hopeful face, the love in his eyes. This is not the John he knew in the past, this someone else entirely. This John is open, Rodney can see he is vulnerable. He is offering everything of himself.

"Oh." Rodney shudders with emotion.

Little electric currents run through his chest, excitement, desire, love… Rodney reaches out a hand and touches the side of John's face. John eyes look laden and full of longing. Rodney lifts his legs from over the edge of the water and kneels close, cradling John's face with both of his hands now.

"John?" Rodney speaks softly.

John's face looks so young and defenseless. Rodney caresses it and lets all his own defenses and fears fall away, "John, I love you. I have always loved you."

Trembling with with pleasure, John's eyes close involuntarily and he takes a sharp inhale. Rodney wants him so much, he wants to give John everything he can. He wants to show John how much he loves him. Rodney leans into the face he so loves, almost touching John's lips, he whispers, breathing onto him softly.

"You're… MY love, John. The love of my life." Rodney closes the small distance and brushes his lips against John's perfectly pouty mouth.

"Whoa..." John's reels his head back and opens his eyes, "What are you doing?"

"I want to kiss you." Rodney doesn't let himself shrink into the fear that John finds him disgusting.

"Are you sure, Mere?" John's eyes are wide and uncertain.

Rodney nods confidently holding John's eyes, "I don't have nightmares about kissing."

He doesn't know how it is possible, but John's eyes get even wider. John shakily moves his legs off the edge of the pier and sits close to Rodney. Rodney leans in over John, he lets his fingers trail over the angles of his impossibly handsome face.

John lets out quiet whimper and looks like he is struggling to keep his eyes open now. He leans onto one of his hands to keep himself steady and Rodney pulls in to close his mouth over John's.

It is the smallest kiss, but John moans and seems to sway a bit on his hand. Rodney moves himself closer, he pulls on John's shoulders and turns him up to meet Rodney's waiting mouth.

He kisses John's closed mouth. He kisses in every way he can imagine. With full lips, on the corners, sweetly, passionately, hungrily. John is pliant, letting Rodney take control.

Licking John's lips, Rodney softly bites into the lower one; He gets what he wants, John opens his mouth and whispers, "Oh God, Rodney."

Rodney lets go of the lower lip and curls his tongue into John's mouth.

"Mmm", John moans, he reaches up with his free hand to hold the nape of Rodney's neck. John's warm, wet tongue snakes into Rodney's mouth and this time Rodney moans in pleasure.

They grab onto each other ardently, kissing hard and deep. Hands running over each other and pulling into each other. Sucking and biting. Tongues licking and twisting together, tasting, taking each other in.

When they finally take a moment to find some air, they can't be parted. They stay with their lips touching, breathing together.

"God. I love you so much" Rodney gushes, "I always have. I can't believe you didn't know that right from the start…"

John purses his lips and gently kisses away any other words Rodney had planned; He speaks between kisses, "I love you, Mere… Love you… more than anything… anything… You're my love…"

Accepting the love, Rodney truly takes it in for the first time. Closing his eyes, he lets John worship him. Rodney doesn't know when John changed and became so open like this, but Rodney knows this vulnerability is hard won. He never wants to take it for granted or hurt John in any way. He won't let his fear keep him from accepting John's love any more. He wants everything John has to give him.

The two of them stay there for hours. Kissing and talking. They kiss until it reaches a fever pitch and then they pull away catch their breaths. Rodney confesses to John that he is the best kisser he's over had. And John assures Rodney the feeling is mutual.

But they need to touch each other and feel this love. Soon they are kissing again. At first, tenderly, gently, murmuring declarations of love, then it becomes more passionate and intense, deeply sexual. It is a hunger that can't be sated, not yet. They pull apart, lightly kissing each other's faces and whispering all the things they never said. All the things they've longed to.

Then they lay back on the blanket looking up at the stars like they had that night all those years ago. Squeezing John's hand, Rodney asks him why he never told him, back when John first realized he was in love with him.

John moves his fingers lightly though Rodney's, "Well, I planned to... But you then you told me you wanted to date Katie and get married... "

"That night? The night we had dinner, once I was cured?" Rodney wonders.

"Mmm." John turns his head and buried into the side of Rodney's neck.

"Well" Rodney pulls John's hand up and kisses it, "I was always yours. I would have been yours. Anytime you asked me to."

"Mmm..." John groans into Rodney's neck and then leans up, I'm an idiot." he says before kissing Rodney's swollen lips.

He returns the kiss with desire, knowing that John still has no idea how much power he has over him. John has no idea how much he moves him, but Rodney will show him. He will let John see. It may take time, but Rodney will convince him. He will give himself to John completely.

Rodney has been so wrapped up with his own suffering that he hadn't noticed John's. He has let John take care of him this whole time without giving anything back. He remembers that John had wanted to take a trip with Ronon and the shameful way Rodney acted. And then he stops thinking completely because the kisses feel so good.

When they come up for air, Rodney curls into John and kisses his neck. He loves John's neck. It is so long and it curves just right into his shoulders.

As Rodney gives some soft bites into the skin, John whispers, "God, I love it when you do that."

"What?" Rodney's lips speak against John skin.

"That?" Rodney nibbles.

"Yes, that…" John sounds breathless, "There was that one time you..."

"Oh." Rodney remembers biting John's shoulder while Rodney had been under the influence of the wraith enzyme.

Yeah, and then he had given John a blowjob. One that Rodney had kind of forced onto John, since Rodney had been so much stronger under the influence of the drug. John had never seemed to hold it against him, though. Rodney pulls John's shirt way from his shoulder and finds the spot.

He bites down, harder this time.

"Ahhh!" John cries out, "Yeah, that."

"You liked that?" Rodney asks mischievously.

"Oh…" John shivers a little and hugs Rodney close "I've never cum so hard in my life."

John pulls Rodney down to kiss him hard and Rodney grips his hands into John's hair with delight. He lets John's tongue enter him and explore his mouth. His stomach and chest are filled with electric flutters.

"Mmm" John gives a final kiss on the mouth, and then he pulls himself back.

"Actually, I always felt bad about that." Rodney admits, "That, and the massage."

John sit up and laughs heartily. He grasps Rodney by the shoulders and shaking him lightly, "Grrrrrr. So. Much. Homoerotic tension."

"I can't believe you even know what that word means." Rodney retorts.

"Well, then feel bad if you want." John lifts his hands and furrows his brows in mock hurt.

"I wonder why you liked it?" Rodney sits up.

"Because it felt good." John looks at Rodney like he is stupid.

"Yes, yes, yes." Rodney waves a hand, "But… I wonder if you liked it that I was so aggressive-"

John frowns at the word and Rodney tries again, "Domineering?"

John shakes his head.

"Well, I was the one in control…" Rodney thinks.

John lifts his eyebrows.

"And you're usually the one in control…"

John nods gives a guilty shrug.

"Okay." Rodney smiles, "Good to know."

Rodney's smiles widens, "John, will you do that thing again? Where you…" He mimics the shaking motion John had applied to Rodney's shoulders.

"You mean this?" John laughs, baring his teeth comically and shaking Rodney in time to his words, "Grrrrrrr. SO... MUCH…. Homoerotic tension."

He is laughing hysterically by the time John is finished. They roll onto the blanket and Rodney's his sides hurt, he can't remember the last time he has really laughed, it is such a relief.

"John?" He reaches for John's hand.

"What is it, Mere?" John rolls into Rodney, face to face.

"I've been thinking about that trip you wanted to take."

"No, I'm not-"

"I want you to go." Rodney interrupts, "I feel like I'm ready. And I'm sorry I was so awful about it before."

John shakes his head again dismissively.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm okay with it." Rodney continues, "So whenever you feel okay with it, you should go. I think it might help you… feel better."

John looks at Rodney appraising him carefully.

"I mean it." Rodney leans in and kisses John on the lips, "I want you to feel better too. I wish I could do more…"

"I wouldn't be leaving you, you know." John thumbs Rodney's lips, "I won't ever leave you. I promise I would come back."

"I know." And the truth is, he does know it.

Feeling like he hasn't said enough to make John believe that he could go, Rodney wants to give this to him. He begins again, "I know I've been, well, frankly, I don't know how you've put up with me."

John tries to protest but Rodney stops him, "Look, I wanted to say that I realize that I've been so wrapped up with myself, and my own pain, that I forgot you were hurting too. I've been selfish."

John is shaking his head but Rodney stops him.

"Please, just let me… okay? I've know it hasn't been easy taking care of me. And I've let you do all the work for a long time now. I just don't want to keep being a burden. I would feel so much better if I knew you could do your own thing. I want to be there for you, but maybe right now this is the best I do. I'm sorry I've been so hard for you."

"Can I?" John asks.

Rodney nods and John speaks, "First of all, I do not need to go off and do my own thing. It's not about that at all... And more importantly, you have not been a burden! I really don't know what you think you've done that is supposed to be so terrible. Yeah, I've been having nightmares too, and this has been a terrible time for both of us... But I am so happy that I at least get to be with you through it.

You have to know I've needed you as much as you've needed me. I love you and I want to be with you. A whole lot of my life has been hard. But you? Rodney, you're the best part."

John wraps his arms around him and pulls Rodney into him like he is afraid he will lose him of lets go. Rodney gives in lets himself believe what John is saying, curling into John and resting his head on his shoulder.

Looking up at the stars reminds Rodney of the song he used to nurse his broken heart, "I had a song too, you know. A heartbroken over Sheppard song."

"You did?" John's arms tighten.

"Yeah, I started listening to it that night after we had had that fight on Earth, we were on the couch-"

"Ugh. Yeah. I remember"

"So, I guess that was before you loved me, then?" Rodney concludes.

"I don't know. I'm sure I did… I was just… You know, I feel like an idiot, but I still don't even really understand what happened that night."

"Well, you pinned me to couch-"

"I was too rough with you." John says softly.

"Um, in a way, not really. You didn't love me and I loved you, think about it."

"Uh, sorry, I'm still just getting used to the idea that you love me, it's not something I've…"

"So," Rodney prompts, "I couldn't stand that it didn't mean anything to you. You were laying on top of me but the look in your eyes… it clearly didn't mean anything to you, and it hurt. Well, and on top of it, it sounded like you were making fun of me for being so inept when I tried to kiss you."

"Oh, no…" John lifts Rodney up off of his shoulder; "I didn't mean to…" He rolls over on top of Rodney looking down at him, "What do my eyes tell you now?"

"They tell me…" Rodney sees the love beaming back at him and his chest feels warm and full. His breath hitches, "that you love me back."

"You mean everything to me, Mere." John's lips brush softly on Rodney's mouth. And then they begin to kiss again. John kisses him slow and soft, but deep and full of unrequited passion. Kissing Rodney the way he wished John had wanted to that night on the couch. It feels so good. Why did it take have to take so long for them to finally do this?

Rolling on top of John as he kisses him back, Rodney murmurs, "Now I've got you."

Mmm, mmm." John tells him, "You've got me all right."

After they have sated themselves as much they dare, Rodney lays back down with his head on John's shoulder. They stay that way for some time, peaceful and looking up at the stars. It is one of the best nights Rodney can remember having in long time, maybe it's the best night ever.

"What was the song?" John squeezes Rodney's hand and breaks the silence.

"Hmm? Oh. It's called 'Under the Milky Way Tonight'.

"What's it about?"

"Heartache. What else? Loving someone who doesn't love you back."

"So, no redemption then?" John asks.

"I think there's redemption." Rodney squeezes John's hand back.

"I'm such an idio-"

Rodney leans up and kisses the words away.

"Mmm, mmm. That's so... Mmm." John places his hands on the sides of Rodney's face, "Mmm, God, I love you, Mere."

"Finally" Rodney murmurs with his lips on John's mouth.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

When they eventually do get up, Rodney walks and John wheels the empty chair back to the room. John worries that Rodney didn't get his usual exercise tonight, but thinks this was worth it. Even when they pass some people in the halls on the way back, Rodney doesn't seem afraid.

They quickly get ready for bed and fall back into each other's arms.

A moments later John asks, "Mere? Can I hear it sometime? I'd like to hear it, I mean, you listened to mine."

"Yeah." Rodney lifts his head up, "Of course."

"I've got it right here." Rodney moves to grab his laptop from the nightstand. He pulls up his music queue and presses play.

There is a sound of a guitar strumming. When John hears the singer he thinks something about the song sounds somewhat familiar. The melody is sad and longing, unrequited. He hears the lyrics.

 _I think about this loveless fascination,_  
 _Under the Milky Way tonight._

He finds himself drawn in emotionally, imagining how Rodney must have felt all these years. After the chorus, John listens more closely.

 _And it's something quite peculiar,_  
 _Something shimmering and white._  
 _It leads you here despite your destination,_  
 _Under the Milky Way tonight._

 _Wish I knew what you were looking for,_  
 _Might have known what you would find._

When the song has finished playing, John asks, "Loveless fasciation? Is that how you thought I was with you?"

"Yeah, I guess." Rodney he sets the laptop back on the nightstand.

"At least you knew I was fascinated." John pulls Rodney back into him feeling sad, "But, you were my destination, Mere. Even if I didn't have the good sense to know it then."

"Wish I'd known it." Rodney sighs "It would have made my life a lot easier."

"Me too. I'm sorry… Was it really that bad?"

"Um, well bad enough for me to be willing to go to a therapist… So…"

John feels a deep sense of remorse as Rodney continues, "I was really fucked up over you. I had to get help to try to put it behind me and move on with my life. Not that I ever did… I just kept going somehow. Tried to act like I could figure out how to be with someone else. But it was never anything but a coping strategy. You could have had me anytime you wanted to you. I was completely yours."

The guilt John feels is overwhelming, "I didn't think you wanted me-"

"You could have thrown me down on the ground the night I was recovering from the Ascension machine. I would have given you everything. You could have taken me on the desk when I showed the ring for Katie and would have forgotten all about her."

Rodney's voice speeds up, "Ever since we met, I've longed for you, needed you more than I was supposed to. I was always yours. I just thought… Thought you didn't want me back."

"God I wanted you." John husks, "there were so many times I... I mean you said you didn't want to date guys…"

"Didn't matter, I already belonged to you."

"I'm so sorry." John feels his throat getting tight, "I'm sorry. I fucked up. I fucked everything up."

Hearing the emotion in John's voice, Rodney leans up to look at him. "No, no, it's all better now. I have you now. You have me. You completely have me. I belong to you. I have for so many years, I really have."

"I'm sorry it took me so long."

"We're together now. Everything we've done is forgiven."

Something in that simple phrase makes the tightness in John's chest uncoil. He makes it feel like it is really possible to be be forgiven. They snuggle for a long time, unable to resist the novelty and allure of kissing each other again. It is late when they are finally able to stop and let themselves drift off into sleep.

When Rodney wakes some hours later screaming and heaving, John realizes that he had been hoping this would make a difference. Stupid thing to think he tells himself.

He tends to Rodney, holding him while he hugs the toilet dry heaving, wiping his neck and brow with a cool cloth. It kills John that Rodney would think he is a burden. He will have to convince him somehow.

"You're doing so good, Mere. You're so strong. You've made it so far, and I'm proud of you." He holds Rodney's heavy forehead in his palm and massages the back of his neck.

Once Rodney has recovered, John helps him to his feet and hugs him for a long time. He can't seem to let go, "Mere. You could never be a burden. You're the best… the best thing that has ever happened to me."

John feels Rodney's grip on him tighten and he knows Rodney has heard him. John will just have to keep telling Rodney until he knows it through and through.

.  
.


	100. Is this a relationship?

.  
.

The next morning, John is stunned when Rodney wakes up before he leaves, mumbling, "Wait. I want to come with you."

He sits down and waits for Rodney to take a shower and get ready. When Rodney is finished getting ready, he looks sleepy but determined, "Let's go get breakfast."

"Okay." John gets up from his chair starts toward the door uncertainly. Rodney follows close behind.

When they reach the door John asks, "You ready?"

"Mmm-Hmm." Rodney nods.

John opens the door and Rodney quickly flanks him, walking as close to John's side as he can without raising eyebrows. There aren't many people up and about this early and the ones they see let them pass without comment.

As they reach the cafeteria Ronan spots them and a big grin splits his face as he sees Rodney.

Ronan stands up from the table where he was waiting and slaps John on the shoulder, "Hey! I was wondering what was taking you so long."

By the way Rodney's shoulders are hunched, John can tell he is uncomfortable with the spectacle.

"Yeah." he tells Ronan, "We'll just get some food and meet you over there."

Ronan nods and seems to understand, returning to his seat quietly.

Rodney is silent, shadowing John as he fills his tray and followings him back to the table. Ronan has picked up on John's cues and focuses his attention on John, allowing Rodney to find his own bearings.

To reassure him, John rubs his leg against Rodney's under the table. Rodney straightens his shoulders and looks around warily before beginning to eat. John and Ronan do most of the talking, Rodney interjects into the conversation a few times and it almost begins to feels normal.

The cafeteria is starting to fill up with the usual morning crowd. John spies Teyla walking toward them with their tray and feels nervous about how this is going to be for Rodney. Teyla sits next to Ronan, directly across from Rodney.

"Rodney!" Her voice is warm and affectionate, "It is so good to see you."

"Mmm." Rodney mumbles on a mouthful, "Thanks…. I mean, you too."

Teyla looks to John and Ronan with excitement; when they both remain quiet she is puzzled, "Well, I am just so happy to see you are feeling better."

Looking at John, Rodney frowns. John implicitly understands what he is asking and meets Rodney's eye evenly with a small shake of the head.

Rodney looks relieved and turns his attention back to Teyla, "Yes. I'm feeling… better."

"I am so glad." Teyla looks uncertain of how to behave.

"Actually," Rodney tells her, "I'm planning to return to light duty as soon as possible. I'm going to talk to Woolsey today."

"You are?" John swallows a bite quickly, "I mean, that's great, you are."

"Well, I'm sure they will be very glad to have you back in the lab." Teyla says.

The conversation becomes more natural after that with Rodney piping in here and there to offer an observation or comment. As other people start coming by the table to welcome Rodney back, John feels protective and hopes he doesn't involuntary swat at someone if they try to touch Rodney.

Fortunately, Rodney is not normally a very touchy feely guy and no one generally assumes that kind of intimacy with him. Carson and Woolsey join the table. Then Jennifer walks toward them, she stops when Ronan lifts his head toward Rodney.

Rodney notices and turns around to see who it is. He is warm, "Hey! Jennifer, come join us."

Jennifer smiles at Rodney and fits herself at the end of the long table. The conversation hums along. Rodney is not the center of attention but he participates. As everyone finishes up and prepares to leave for the day, Rodney asks Woolsey if he can speak with him in his office. Woolsey happily agrees and John watches the two of them walk off together.

Ronan stays at the table with John until everyone has left, "Don't worry. He's gonna be fine."

John lifts his hands uncertainly.

"This is good, right?" Ronan asks.

"Yeah. I guess." John nods, "This is good. He's been feeling better. It's just so sudden."

Then he looks pensively at Ronan, "Remember that trip we talked about?"

"Yeah." Ronan's eyes darken.

"Well, I think it might be time to start planning."

"Just tell when and where." Ronan leans forward on the table.

"I'll let you know." John says with a tight smile.

.  
.

When Rodney gets back to the room he is out of breath and sighs with relief and looks to John, "Okay. Hard part over, right?"

"Yeah. I-" John stumbles, "I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless… That was so good, Mere. I didn't expect… I mean, I thought you might just ease back into things, but you, really went out there and... conquered."

"Everything is about conquering with you, isn't it?" Rodney makes a face.

"You did really good, Mere." John smiles "You don't have to go this fast, but if you want to, that's... that's, great."

"You know, you really have a way with words." Rodney quips, "Has anyone ever told you that?"

"GRRRR." John walks up to Rodney and places his hands on Rodney's shoulders. He shakes Rodney gently.

Rodney laughs as John keeps shaking him and makes a growling sound.

"Okay." Rodney's laughter deepens and he starts to buckle into himself, "Okay. Truce."

"You're doing really good, Mere." John lets go and takes in Rodney's smiling face.

Taking a step over to John, Rodney pulls his arms around John's shoulders and kisses him.

"Mmm." John makes a pleased moan as he kisses Rodney back. "Is it time for kissing now?" he murmurs.

Rodney leans in and takes a long deep draw on John's mouth, then tells him, "I think it is time for kissing now."

"I really, really, like kissing you." John confesses.

"Mmm."

"Mmm." John confers.

John pulls Rodney onto to the freshly made bed. The melt into each other and the passion builds until they have to stop.

"Oh, it's too much." John pushes Rodney away.

Rodney pushes John back. John pushes again and Rodney falls off of his knees and back onto the bed. When Rodney gets up again, he has revenge in his eyes. He takes John down wrestles with him playfully. They are both out of breath and laughing by the time Rodney ends up on top.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Sitting just above John's hips, Rodney watches John catch his breath. He feels powerful, perched on John's waist like this.

As John looks up at him. Rodney sees love, submission, and longing in his eyes. He feels like he could do anything he wanted to John. John's hair just begging to be mussed. Rodney guides himself with his hands, leaning forward to let his chest stretch out over John's. His head fells into the crook of John's neck and Rodney rolls his fingers through John's locks.

While Rodney lies on top of John, John pets Rodney's back with his long arms. Rodney continues to twirl and tug John's hair in his hands.

Then he straightens himself back upright again, with his hands on John's chest, asking, "So Teyla's doesn't know anything?"

"No." John trials his fingers along the sides of Rodney's arms, "Most people just know that we were captured and have been on medical leave recovering."

"Most people?" Rodney asks.

"Well," John thinks, "everyone, except Carson. I don't know what he told Woolsey, but I know Carson made some kind of report to him…. Other than that…"

Looking up at him guiltily, John tells him, "I told Ronan a little bit. I needed... I was losing my mind and I knew he would sacrifice his life before telling anyone."

John's eyes look scared, like he isn't sure if Rodney will forgive him. But Rodney just feels relieved that the secret has been kept to the small group. Relieved but sad imagining how long John probably tried to bear it on his own without talking to anyone.

"I know," Rodney cards his hands through John's hair, "I knew when you asked if he could come over, it's okay. I knew you needed someone to talk to. I'm just so glad no one else knows. I don't think I could face them."

"You know," John sighs with relief, "Jeannie has been trying to get ahold of you."

"Ah." Rodney closes his eyes for minute, "I know. I just don't know what I say right now."

"I could get in touch with her." John offers, "Make a valid medical excuse. Tell her it's not your fault, being kidnapped or whatever. Maybe we could invite her to come down."

Rodney makes a face and John adds, "In like, a month or so."

"You'll tell her it's not my fault?"

"I will convince her." John promises.

Rodney lays down again with his head on John's chest, "So, are you going to return to active duty?"

"Oh, uh, well, I guess?" John pets the back of Rodney's head, "If you're going to be back to work, I suppose I will too."

"You don't want to resign anymore?" Rodney asks.

"I don't think so. But I would resign, if I had to…." John pauses, "I mean, we can try to maintain the appearance of separate quarters, but if it gets out, I might have to resign."

Thinking about how much John has risked for him, Rodney is quiet. And not just emotionally, but with his lifelong career as well… It makes more sense now why John only ever had one-time things with men.

John squeezes Rodney and rolls him onto his back. He sits over Rodney easily. He leans over with his lanky limbs.

"I'm so sorry, Mere." John shakes his head with emotion, a dismal expression on his face, "I know that this isn't what you wanted. I know that I'm not… I'm just some military guy"

"What do you mean?" Rodney reaches up to touch John's face tenderly, "Of course I want you."

"No." John frowns sadly and his eyes look cloudy, "You wanted to get married. To be with someone who could give you... different things. I know that, this isn't really… you deserve a lot more."

Rodney sees the sorrow in John face. How long has it been there? How long has John thought this? Rodney has to make him understand. John always seems so strong, it is easy for Rodney to forget how fragile John is inside. It has taken so many years to reach this vulnerable side of him, and Rodney doesn't want to lose him again.

"No!" Rodney is emphatic. "That's not how it is all at!" He pulls on John's arms and brings him down to rest on the pillow next to him. He leans in and kisses John's beautiful mouth. He holds John's face like it is the most precious thing in the world and kisses him again and again with the ache and longing he feels.

He shares the fragility and vulnerability that he in feeling in his trembling embrace. All the love that Rodney had hidden in his heart, afraid of being rejected. It all belongs to John now. Everything that Rodney is, he gives to John. Then Rodney lets his lips brush against John's,

"No. You're wrong. What I wanted was you." Rodney pulls back a little further to see John's eyes again, "Don't you understand? All I wanted was to be with you, from the moment I met you. And then… Even though we weren't together, we got so close. I'd never been that close to anyone in my life."

"Me either." John blinks slowly and looks deeply into Rodney's eyes.

"I didn't think there would ever be a chance that you would be with me, so I tried to capture just a little bit of what I had with you, with someone else. There was never even a chance something was going to come close to what we had, but I thought-"

"So, you don't want to get married?" John asks softly.

"No. Not unless it's to you, but I don't need that. All I've ever wanted is to be closer to you."

John pulls Rodney into his lips and kisses him softly, murmuring, "I thought I was going to die when you showed me that ring for Katie."

"I told you… Rodney kisses back, "Oh. You could have taken right there on that desk and would have forgotten all about her."

"But…" John speaks between kisses, "I wanted you… to be happy."

"You don't understand." Rodney pulls away from the kiss and stares at John, "You've never understood the kind of power you have over me. You could make me do anything. From the moment I met you..."

Rodney flushes, "I thought I'd never be with another man after Alex… But 6 months later I saw you. And I mean, I, I couldn't believe you would even look twice at me. You gave me butterflies in my stomach. I felt stupid for wanting you the way I did. I never expected it to last… but even when it was over, I couldn't get over you.

"Mere." John reaches his hands up to hold Rodney's face.

Rodney can see how the love shining in his face. He wants John to feel how he loves him too and tries to find to words.

"It's not just that you're sexy, I wanted you more, loved you more, with time. And you're so smart and funny, strong and brave. Cool but just dorky enough. I mean, everything about you is perfect. You have no idea how I've lusted for you and dreamt about you and the memory of how good your cock felt in me. Even though it seemed impossible I couldn't stop wanting, hoping to be with you again."

Rodney sighs, "And I, I could barely believe you'd want to be friends with me. So I just tried to be good enough so for that. I Pushed myself to do all kinds of things I would never do... Just hoping I could be good enough stay your friend.

But I've always been completely at your mercy. I've tried to hide it with all the sarcasm, but I've belonged to you since you first took me…." Rodney is out breath and flushed from his confession.

As Rodney continues, John's face looks flushed too. "All I've ever wanted, to be happy, was for you to want me back. I swear, that's all."

John attacks Rodney with a passionate kiss; he pushes his tongue into Rodney's mouth, thrusting deep down Rodney's throat. He laps then and pulls back to lick and suck on Rodney's lips.

He seems lost in lust, but he stops for a moment, 'I never thought I was good enough for you either, Mere."

"You so are." Rodney returns the passionate kiss.

"It's so weird…" John nuzzles Rodney's neck, "This thing we've been doing over the last 5 years. We've worked through so many things together…. that brought us... closer. Almost like we had to go through all of this… until we couldn't deny it anymore."

"What?" Rodney grins, "The homoerotic tension?"

"No." John's body shakes with quiet laughter, "The love."

"Oh." Rodney exhales softly.

"You know," John continues, "it's almost like we've been having a relationship this whole time."

"Um, I don't know about your definition of relationships." Rodney banters.

Searching Rodney's face, John looks sincere and innocent as he asks, "…Is THIS a relationship?"

Smiling at John with confidence, Rodney lets the love shine from his eyes as he answers, "Yes."

"Okay." John's face is awash with relief and he is smiling like a kid, trying to contain grin but failing, "Okay, good."

.  
.


	101. I just like saying your name

.  
.

Once John and Rodney return to active duty, they see less of each other. John makes more of an effort to appear as if he is in his own quarters. But at night, they still sleep together, kissing as often as possible.

John plans his trip with Ronan, as well as scheduling some visits from Jeanie and his brother over the next month or so. He is proud of Rodney's newfound independence. If anything, it is harder for John to adjust to his new role. He is no longer a caretaker and he has to step back into the 'friend' persona during the day.

Occasionally he will show up at Rodney's lab, which is completely normal, but then he do something, like reach into his pocket and whisper in Rodney's ear, "You know, now that we're in a relationship, I thought maybe I should bring you some chocolate."

It makes Rodney's face red with embarrassment. John will just chuckle and wave at Zelenka and the rest of the guys in the lab on the way out. It always looks from the surface, the same as any other day that John might show up at the lab to tease Rodney and no one thinks anything of it, of course.

Rodney is getting stronger, still battling in the evenings with John or Ronan. But he still wakes up screaming at night, trying to keep himself from retching up bile. Sometimes Rodney just sobs into John's arms and lets John pet his head until he gets sleepy again.

From the outside things seem almost old times. They all joke around in the cafeteria. Rodney seems comfortable with the fact that Ronan and Jennifer are dating, he works on the Ancient technology in the lab. The guys from area 51 are always trying to grab some piece of equipment and take to their base, even though it was compromised during the attack. But Rodney fends them of viciously, keeping the research and development centered at Atlantis.

When someone makes the mistake of touching him, Rodney flinches visibly. John notices but keeps his protectiveness in check. He knows Rodney doesn't want him making a fuss over these things; he is able to tell someone to back off if needed.

As the weeks drift by, John knows Rodney is improving and asks him about the trip with Ronan. Rodney is receptive but a little doubtful about John's open-ended timeline.

John explains, "I just don't know how long it is going to take yet. It may be sooner than a month, but it might take a little longer."

"A month." Rodney looks disheartened.

Covering Rodney in kisses, John tells him how much he loves him, promising that he wouldn't go if it weren't important, and swearing that he will make it up to him. Rodney gives in and they dissolve into a tangle in the bed, wrapped around each other and kissing madly.

After an hour or so spent making up for the day apart, John shows Rodney the outline schedule he has made. While his timeline is indefinite, in a weeks time, he has planned for Jeannie to come and stay for about a month.

Rodney wonders how he can possibly entertain her that long and John assures him that won't be expected. He has arranged for Jennifer and Teyla to keep her occupied so Rodney can work a normal schedule.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney notices that John has written Teyla's name next to Rodney's during the time when he is normally in the gym. John explains that since both he and Ronan will be gone, Teyla will be taking over his workout routine.

"Of course" John explains, "you've got Carson too, and, ah, later on, my brother will be visiting, but I hope to be back by then."

Rodney is impressed by how much thought John has given to his welfare. He can't help but wonder if John will be returning safely. He doesn't exactly have the best track record for personal safety and he has been very evasive about the trip he is taking.

"Ah, so…. This trip you're taking. It is going to be at all dangerous?"

"Nah." John shrugs and shakes his head dismissively.

Okay. That is a yes. Rodney asks again, "So… On a danger scale of 1-10?"

"On a scale of 1-10…" John widens his hands out to create a visual aid, he narrows the gap between his hands and stops at about a 5, before shaking his palms ambivalently, "You know, very low."

Rodney might overestimate, but John always greatly underestimates the danger. He gives John a sullen look.

"Come on, Mere." John reaches out for Rodney, "Don't look at me like that."

"Please?" He kisses Rodney's neck, "Don't be mad."

And Rodney gives in as usual but he frets about John leaving. He won't have to deal with it for another 2 weeks and tries to put it out of his mind.

.  
.

Over the next week Rodney is listless. He stays busy in the lab and is conscious of any time he has with John. He wants to make the most of it. It is intoxicating kissing John, but frustrating waiting for more.

When will he know if he is ready? Maybe when the nightmares stop. They come every night but he hardly throws up any more. Maybe once he stops getting nauseas? That day seems so impossibly far away but John never seems impatient.

Tonight Rodney is lying with his head on John's stomach. John dreamily rests on the pillows and languidly pets Rodney's hair. Rodney folds his arms against his chest, with his knees propped up. He lets himself drift into a deceptive peace.

Part of his mind wants to cry out. John is leaving him. What if he never comes back? But then he feels John's hand across his brow, smoothing over his hair and he stops thinking at all.

"Rodney." John murmurs. He says it without expectation of answer; Rodney is adept at interpreting all of the various intonations when John says his name.

"Rodney." John strokes his head and uses a different voice; It is still not a question. John continues with each stroke to say Rodney's name in a different way.

It is soothing but he starts to wonder if John is trying to get his attention, "What?"

"Nothing." John's voice is low, "I just like saying your name."

He should have trusted that he would know by now what John means when he says, 'Rodney'.

"What's your middle name?" He asks John.

"Hmm?" John seems distracted.

"Your middle name…" Rodney repeats himself, "I wish I had something else to call you when I feel extra close to you."

"Is that what you think?" John pets Rodney lovingly, "That I call you 'Mere' when I feel extra close to you? No… I, feel just as close when I say 'Rodney'. It's… just different that's all."

"I just wish" Rodney muses, "I had another name for you, something that is just mine –that no one else can use."

"It's Emmitt."

"Emmitt…" Rodney thinks out loud, "John Emmitt Sheppard… Mm… Mitt? No… Um, What about Em, could I call you Em?"

"Em?" Rodney feels John's belly move as he laughs, "Sounds a little bit like a girl's name, doesn't it?"

Leaning his head all the way back, Rodney looks John in the eye to hear the verdict.

"Okay, Em. But only for you." John slides his hand over Rodney's face.

Rodney's mouth twist into a secretive smile.

"Just don't go calling me that at movie night tonight."

"You know you call me 'Mere' in front of other people, don't you? Rodney raises his brows.

"Do I?" John looks worried.

"You do. Are you worried people will find out?"

"No." John moves a little on the pillow, "Certain people I trust. Ronan and Carson already know. I would tell Teyla… Well, that's about it."

"I would tell Teyla." Rodney agrees, "Carson's known for years."

"Ronan too." John admits.

"Really?" Rodney is surprised it has been that long.

"Yeah", John continues, "He's known since Carson's funeral."

"Hmm." Rodney makes a noise.

"What?"

"Nothing…." Rodney lifts his shoulders, "It's just… I win, again."

"When?" John exhales in mock annoyance.

"Well, I was detoxing off of the Wraith enzyme…" Rodney recounts, "I was kind of, out of my mind. I, it all came out."

John is silent for a minute, "Do you think anyone else knows?"

"I don't." Rodney shakes his head against John's stomach, "I… really don't think anyone could know."

Rodney feels John's body relax as he resumes petting Rodney's head. He asks "Don't you think we should probably start getting ready?"

"Mmm. Probably." John groans.

They both reluctantly sit up. Before Rodney gets off the bed, John collects him in his arms, "Mere. I love you."

"I love you, too." Rodney kisses him, then adds "Em."

It's too hard to resist, they kiss again and again. When they finally pull themselves away, Rodney feels chapped and his cheeks are red from burn of John's stubble.

They busy themselves straightening things up, setting up refreshments, and moving the chairs next to the couch so everyone will be able to see the screen.

The door rings and Teyla comes in with some popcorn, "Rodney! Oh, hello, John. I see you're already here, I thought I would be the early one."

As she steps into the room with her bowl. John and Rodney exchange glances.

Teyla notices something is afoot, "What's going on you two?"

"Do you wanna…?" John shrugs at Rodney.

"Yeah." Rodney looks at Teyla.

"What are you up to?" Teyla looks back and forth smiling.

"I know you can keep a secret. So, the thing is," John clears his throat nervously, "um, Teyla, uh, me and Rodney... we, uh…"

"What he's trying to say, is that we're… in a relationship." Rodney finishes.

"What kind of relationship?" Teyla looks at them both curiously as if she does not understand. She stands back so she can see them both without turning her head. Her lips are pursed in confusion.

The two of them look at each sheepishly, then John bites his lower lip and reaches out for Rodney's hand.

When Teyla sees their fingers intertwine she gapes in understanding, "Oh! You… Congratulations!"

Her face is warm and excited, "That is so… I am most happy for you. Have you told anyone else?"

"Just the people who are coming tonight." John shakes his head, "It needs to stay… private. The way things work, here on Earth is…"

"Backward, ignorant?" Teyla interrupts.

"In this regard, yes." John admits.

She steps forward in emotion reaches her hands to touch the far sides of their shoulders.

Rodney stifles a flinch.

Teyla looks at them with affection, she places her head forward to touch John's brow, and then Rodney's, in the way customary to her people. "I shall honor and treasure your confidence."

Rodney is relieved when she lets them go, he moves away from them both, busying himself with something. That was more awkward than he had thought it would be. He had once come out to his sister when he was in college and dating a guy he really liked. She had been really relaxed about and it had no big deal.

Teyla is great, but she's almost too understanding, too emotional. Rodney would prefer no fuss. But Carson and Ronan arrive shortly and the awkwardness is soon forgotten. Rodney chats with Carson as John gets the film set up.

When the movie is ready to roll, John calls Carson and Rodney to come join them and sit down. Carson takes the empty chair. Teyla and John sit on opposite sides of the couch. Rodney tentatively fits himself into the large gap between them.

.  
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* * *

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John notices that Rodney looks uncomfortable, trying to hold himself upright in the middle of the couch. He leans forward and pulls questioningly on Rodney's sleeve.

Rodney flits his eyes quickly about the room and then moves closer to John. As the movie progresses, Rodney relaxes more and eventually John pulls Rodney into him. He holds Rodney's back against his chest, his hand slung casually over Rodney's shoulder.

They ease back comfortably into the side of the couch. He catches Teyla smiling at them appreciatively once or twice. He gets an approving nod from Ronan and a pleased smile from Carson. John and feels like everything is right with the world, accepted among their friends, at home where they belong, in Atlantis.

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	102. Like really, seriously in love

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Before Rodney realizes it, Jeanie has arrived. That means it's only a week left until John goes, he thinks sadly.

Jeanie greets him with a hug, exclaiming about how thin he is. Rodney takes her to her quarters and promises to reintroduce her to everyone over dinner. Teyla is going to have more free time in the day now that she has decided to take some time off of active duty to be with her family. She has offered to help keep Jeanie entertained while she is here.

His sister throws Rodney question after question, "What do you mean you don't want to talk about it?! What happened to you for Chrissakes?"

"Jeanie," Rodney waves his hands dramatically, "there are just some things I don't want to talk about."

She gasps and holds her hand over her mouth.

"What?" Rodney asks.

Jeanie walks over to her brother with horror on her face. She takes his wrist and sees the scars where the sleeve has fallen away.

Rodney grabs his wrist back defensively and Jeanie wraps her arms around him, "Oh, Mere. Mere." Her breath is staggered.

He lets her hold him, the shock of it has long since passed for him, but he knows she cares.

"Oh my God. Mere. My Mere. What did they do to you?" She catches her breath, "No. I'm, I'm, so sorry. I won't ask anymore. I'm sorry, Mere."

"Hey. Hey." Rodney finds himself comforting his sister, petting her back, "It's not that bad… Well, it was bad, but It's gonna be okay. Okay? I'm glad you're here… and we'll spend some time together. I'll be good."

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* * *

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Jeanie squeezes her brother as hard as she can, he feels so small now. She nods and sniffles, trying not to cry. Then she pulls herself together so that she can have dinner with Rodney and his friends.

She is confused when he re-introduces Jennifer as a friend. Last she knew, Jennifer was Rodney's girlfriend. But Jennifer seems very cozy with Ronan now. Jennifer and Teyla both tell Jeanie about all the fun activities they have planned while she is here.

Her brother looks so pale sitting close to his friend John. John has been really great to help Rodney through all this, he and Rodney have always been close. John had given her explicit instructions not to ask Rodney about what had happened but Jeanie had been unable to stop herself.

When she'd questioned John on what else Rodney needed, he'd told her just to be herself. John said that Rodney just needed the familiarity to help him get back to normal, even if they ended up fighting, it would be fine, telling her, "I think he just needs someone around calling him Mere for a while."

John had explained to her that he was going on a trip soon and Rodney would need the extra company for a while. Jeanie will do what ever she can to help her brother. She had known it was bad, for him to be out of contact this long, but seeing her him now, so pale and thin, hunched over his plate anxiously, it breaks her heart.

The week goes by quickly for Jeanie, there is so much activity buzzing around on Atlantis and John has made sure that Jeanie won't be bored a single minute of it. Sometimes Jeanie helps Rodney out in the lab, bantering with him over ideas. Sometimes she spends the day with Jennifer or Teyla.

It is hard not to notice that whenever Jennifer is around, Ronan is always somewhere nearby or just leaving. Jeanie thinks she likes Jennifer better now that she isn't dating her brother. Not that she hadn't wanted her brother to be happy, it's just, the two of them hadn't seemed like a good fit.

Often Jeanie hangs out with Teyla and her son Toren. The two of them have a lot more in common. In the evenings, the whole big crew of them hang out together. Teyla, Carson, John's who is never far from Rodney's side, and of course Ronan and Jennifer.

They seem like a big family sometimes bickering but a lot of fun to be with. She is glad Rodney has them all, especially John. She hadn't realized just how close the two of them were, and wonders again if John might be that person from the past that Rodney had deeper feelings for.

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* * *

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The night before John leaves Rodney wants him so badly. He doesn't let John pull away and cool off the way they usually do after hot and heavy kissing. Rodney wrestles with him and climbs on top. John lets Rodney pull his arms up over his head and bite his shoulder. That always drives him wild. He continues kissing and nibbling up John's neck until he reaches John's ear.

"I really want to fuck you." Rodney's voice is heavy with lust.

He can feel John's hard cock twitch under him. John is moving his head from side to side, but his arms stay under Rodney's grasp.

"I'm ready." Rodney leans up to John's lips, taking them in full, "And I want to be with you."

He reaches down to feel John's cock in his hand. John stops shaking his head and moans instead. But suddenly, John jumps and pulls out from under Rodney.

Rodney feels rejected and John must see it on his face because he moves close again, "I'm sorry, it's just so sudden. I need to know that you aren't going to be hurt."

"Mere," John holds Rodney's face in his hands, "I don't want to hurt you, can't bear it if I did anything to hurt you again."

Sighing, Rodney closes his eyes and pulls away from John to down on the pillow.

John lays down and rests his head next to his, "If you still feel this way when I get back-"

"But what if you don't come back?" Rodney whines.

"I'm coming back." John holds Rodney's chin and gives him a firm kiss.

"But, what if you don't?" Rodney whimpers.

"Nothing in this world could drag me away from you, Rodney." John leans back in and speaks with his lips brushing against his; Rodney almost believes it.

John kisses the nape of Rodney's neck and whispers, "I just need a little more time to make sure you're going to be okay. Will you give me that?"

"Just come back." Rodney mumbles sullenly and lets John hold him again; he will try to be content with this, for now.

"I will always come back for you, Mere." John voice is husky and strong.

"Okay, Em," Rodney tries to let go of his fear, "if you say so."

"I do say so." John's arms tighten around him and makes it feel okay, like he always does.

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* * *

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In the morning Jeanie can't find her brother for breakfast, then she remembers that John is leaving today. He is probably seeing John and Ronan off at the Jumper bay. Now familiar with Atlantis, she makes her way down there.

Jeanie rounds the corner and sees no one. She walks along to peer into a Jumper with the back cargo bay open and then she sees her brother. He is kissing John. They are wrapped up in each other's arms. Whispering in each other's ears and kissing again.

Kissing like… Oh, Wow.

They stop and just hold onto each for a minute. Rodney has his back to her but John's face is within her sight. His eyes are closed but when he opens them, he sees Jeanie wide-mouthed stare.

She lifts her hand a points a finger at John with a stunned expression on her face. Rodney must sense something change in John's posture because he turns around from the embrace.

Rodney's mouth falls open in a similar wide-mouthed stare. John clears his throat and Rodney looks back to him.

Taking Rodney's hands in his, John keeps a distance, but his eyes are soft and sincere, "I'll be back, I promise."

Her brother nods.

Ronan calls from the front of the Jumper, Jeanie had forgotten he was there, "You ready to go?"

"Yeah...Yeah." Rodney answers.

Jeanie sees her brother squeeze John's hands one last time before he walks out of the Jumper and over to her.

She doesn't know what to say, "Bye, John...and Ronan."

The back of the Jumper closes and it lifts up and out into the sky.

"Oh my God", Jeanie turns to her brother, "Mere, that kiss!"

"Oh." Rodney flushes. "You saw that."

"Yes," Jeanie's face is open with shock, "I saw that. I mean, Jesus. What a kiss. What are you not telling me? I know it's something good."

He looks around the empty bay nervously, "Just, not here okay?"

She follows Rodney to his quarters, "Sweet digs. Much bigger than my room. And check out that bed. Nice."

"Well," Rodney waves his hand, "that's what you get for being the resident genius."

"Okay genius, now spill." Jeannie takes a seat.

"Okay." Rodney sits next to her, "Uh, It's something good. Me and John."

"For how long?" Jeannie leans forward in anticipation.

"Well, It's a bit convoluted." Rodney screws up his face and tries to think.

"Well, un-convolute it!" Jeanie spins her fingers, "Story please."

"Well, it started a long time ago" Rodney rubs his jaw, "About 5 ½ years ago, I guess. We were together briefly -but stopped because… I guess, because we were both afraid. Uh, we got to be friends instead. Mostly friends, other some stuff happened I guess, or sort of happened in between. But I've been in love with him this whole time."

"Really?" Jeanie whispers reverently.

"Yeah, like really, seriously in love."

"So he's the one you were talking about. How come you never told me anything else about it over the years?"

"Well," Rodney lifts his hands, "it's not like I thought it was going to go anywhere. I mean you even said when I was with Katie, that I couldn't do better."

"Sorry, Mere." Jeanie frowns, "I just wanted you to be happy. I thought she was nice and you just needed a push."

"Well, I've never been very good with relationships."

"I never should have said that, it was mean.. I'm sorry." Jeanie says with a pang of guilt.

"It's okay." Rodney smiles at her, "I realized I was making a mistake by proposing."

"Did you ask her to marry her?"

"No, almost." Rodney twists his mouth into one-sided frown, "But I realized it was a mistake. I didn't love her, I was an emotional mess, and I wouldn't have made her happy… I loved someone else, I just never thought he would love me back."

"And then?" Jeanie prompts.

"Mmm." Rodney's face brightens, "It turns out he felt the same way. Maybe not for a long as I did, but for a while at least. He actually resigned over it… When he left I broke things off with Jennifer and went after him."

"So you figured out that he felt the same?"

"No." Rodney smiles and lifts a finger, "And here is the really brave part. The emotional growth. I went after him anyway, and told him how I felt."

"Wow. Mere. I'm impressed…." Jeannie holds her hands up to her cheeks, "And that's so romantic."

"I thought so." Rodney lifts his face with pride.

"So, how long has it been since you guys, really got together?"

"Uh… I mean, uh, over 4 months, I think, but it's like we've been together all these years. We've been so close; it's not that different. It's just how it should have been all along."

"And you're happy, Mere?" Jeanie puts her hand on her heart.

"I'm so happy, I never thought I could be this happy, this loved. He loves me…" Rodney looks into Jeannie's eyes letting her see the love he feels, his voice gets choked up, "so much"

Jeanie gazes at her brother; she has never seen him like this. She is still worried about his physical condition but John seems to be taking care of him. She has never seen him so open and vulnerable, it is like he is different person.

She makes a pronouncement, "Then I love him, too."

Rodney gives her a crooked smile.

"Let's just hope he likes Tofurky." She adds.

"Nobody likes Tofurky." Rodney laughs.

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	103. Dave was warned about the famous glare

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Rodney now takes his evening trainings with Teyla. It is different than working with Ronan or John. In way, it is more challenging. She is his size but doesn't take it easy on him so he is grateful for the time spent training with Ronan on the fighting sticks.

The hardest part has been spending the nights by himself. No John to hold onto, no one to comfort him when he wakes up afraid. Rodney starts sleeping in John's spare room. Even though John never really spent much time there, Rodney feels closer to him somehow.

He finds some shirts that smell like John and wears them to bed. He listens to John's music, the song he played for Rodney that night on the pier. He plays it over waiting for resurrection, waiting for a morning that will come without the nightmares. But the faces still take him in his dreams and he wakes up in terror, screaming into the empty room.

Days are easier, there is so much to do, people around him. They never seem to leave him by himself. Rodney wonders if John has given them all instructions, planned out the entire duration of his absence. Jeannie moves over to stay Rodney's empty room. With her closer, she is able to help him with a side project.

Rodney is also able to catch up more with Carson. They plan a day trip just outside the bay area to do some fly-fishing, which Carson is thrilled about and Rodney is dreading. But it is one of the things Rodney's always wanted to make up to Carson after cancelling on that fateful fishing trip so many years ago.

So Rodney dons the gear, big rubber boots and all and joins Carson for a cold day of standing in the river. He is grateful he doesn't catch anything or have to figure out how to release it. Finally he wades back to shore in relief, once Carson has had his fill.

Carson doesn't remembered the canceled trip since he was cloned before it happened, but he tells Rodney, "This has been truly lovely. I always wanted to do this."

"Yeah, I know." Rodney smiles.

"So" Carson gives him a quizzical look, "when are you going catch me up what's going on with you and Johnny-boy?"

"I miss him so much," Rodney confesses, "he's only been gone a couple weeks but it seems like a lifetime ago."

"He'll be back, don't worry" Carson pats him on the shoulder.

"You really think so?" Rodney looks at Carson with a worrisome expression.

"Well, of course." Carson knits his brows, "Why wouldn't he?"

"I'm just not used to being this happy, I keep thinking something terrible is going to happen."

"Are things going well between you, or…?"

"Yeah. So good." Rodney tone is hushed. He closes his eyes remembering John's hands and lips on him and sighs.

"So... Good?"

"Ah, yeah." Rodney opens his eyes again and smiles at Carson, "Good."

Carson appraises Rodney, "Okay. Good… You know, it's just with everything you been through-"

"No. It's not like that." Rodney corrects him, "We're not, we're taking it slow. But it's taken us so long to be honest with each other and to talk about our love-"

"Love, is it?" Carson grins.

"Yes." Rodney can't help but show his exuberance , "Like super big, once in a lifetime love. I wish I could explain more about the past, because it all makes sense now, it's just some of his stories aren't mine to tell. But if you knew him the way I do… understood the demons he's struggled to overcome to be with me… you would be in awe of him the way I am."

"I have to admit," Carson tilts his head, "I was surprised. But I certainly have been in awe of the way he has tended to you over the last months, and I have let go of whatever judgments I may have had in the past.

"He's the one I've always wanted, you know that." Rodney tells him sincerely.

"Aye." Carson nods and smiles, "Nothing could convince you otherwise. And I'm happy for it… For you both."

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.

The following day, Woolsey gives the team members a briefing and Rodney can't believe the bad news. With Teyla planning to stay off active duty, Daniel Jackson will be joining the Atlantis team. He is so annoyed that he barely listens to the rest of what Woolsey has to say… Something about more personnel and IOA people coming from the SCG. Great.

As soon as Woolsey stops talking, Rodney asks, "Can I go now?"

Woolsey gives him a withering look but lets Rodney leave.

He stalks to his room. He has to tell Jeannie about this. Daniel is the worst. The absolute worst.

He tries to explain it so that Jeannie will understand, but she annoys him too, "It sounds like you're threatened to have someone else smart around."

"That's not it. That's not it at all. You don't understand, he's insufferable!" He says as he storms back to his room.

Rodney distracts himself working on his side project and then goes to exercise with Teyla to get some of the nerves out. Why did Teyla have to step down? They had a perfect little family, the four of them. It will all be different now that she's off the team. He can't wait for John to get back.

Before he goes to bed, Jeanie and Rodney makeup and she promises to help out in any way she can over the next week or so that she will be in Atlantis, "If I can vanquish your foe in that time, I will."

It really isn't that dramatic, just a minor annoyance. Rodney has to laugh at himself.

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.

A few days later Rodney is having lunch with Jeanie, Carson, and Jennifer. He sees Woolsey walking over to the table with a group of people and spies Daniel.

As Woolsey approaches the table, he tells Rodney and the others, "I've just been giving them a tour of the facility…"

Rodney rolls his eyes towards Daniel to let Jeannie know this is the guy he has been talking about. Rodney makes a comment about how 8 people at one table is a little tight and maybe they should find their own. ButWoolsey ignores him and takes group to get some food before rejoining them at the table.

A sexy woman sits down right next to Rodney. Long dark hair with a small blonde streak. She looks like cat woman in ponytails with her skintight clothes. Not at all the kind of person to work with the SGC. He realizes he's met her once before but can't remember her name.

Rodney refuses to acknowledge Daniel and instead stares at the IOA suit seated across front of him. He looks like even more of tight ass that Woolsey.

"And you are…" Rodney asks brusquely.

The man reaches out his hand, "Dave, Dav-"

"Dave." Rodney cuts him off, "Here to write some reports, Dave?"

"Ah, I," Dave fumbles, "Yes, will be, while I am here."

The cat-lady next to him claps her hands and grins a big sarcastic smile, "Wonderful! I love reports."

"Yes." Rodney narrows his eyes at Daniel and Dave, "Isn't this just. Wonderful."

Dave speaks up, "I'm not sure if there is some slight taken with my role in professional capacity, but I am here with the best of intentions, and in good faith."

"Oh yes," Rodney waves his fork at Dave, "people like you always are. You come here in your... suits. With no idea how any of this really works, and you write your stupid reports all about my work, which I might add, you do not even have the capacity to comprehend…

You make your asinine proposals and suggestions, which end disastrously. And even if you manage not to get anyone in the field killed in the process, you at the very least, make my job more difficult."

Rodney turns to Jeanie, "Probably one of those billionaire investor types that tries to influence government policy."

Jeanie shakes her head in disapproval and narrows her eyes at Dave.

"Rodney!" Woolsey barks out from the end of the table.

"What?" Rodney shrugs, "It's true isn't it?"

"Rodney!" Woolsey's tone is sharp, "This is Dave Sheppard… The man who saved your life and got you rescued. John Sheppard's brother."

"Ooo.." The minx next to Rodney trills, "This is a bit awkward."

"Who is this?" Rodney frowns and gestures at her in frustration.

"Evidence seems to point to the fact that you don't listen to introductions, seeing as you've met her before," Daniel makes a sarcastic face as he points to Dave.

"Otherwise would know who this guy is. And you would know that this" Daniel points to the woman across from him, "is Vala."

Vala gives Rodney a big toothy grin and reaches out her hand, "Vala Mal Doran. Pleased to meet you... again"

Rodney shakes her hand, not knowing what else to do.

He hears Jeanie reach across the table, her voice sounds warm and exuberant. "You saved my brother's life!? I can't thank you enough. I'm Jeanie, Rodney's sister. Thank you! Thank you so much!"

Turning to look at John's brother, Rodney sees Jeanie enthusiastically shaking his hand. Dave looks as bewildered as Rodney feels.

"I'm sorry." Rodney looks up shamefully, "I was, obviously… quite wrong."

"He never admits that." Jeannie points a thumb at her brother with excitement, "So, he really means it."

"Uh, thank you." Rodney continues with a serious frown, "For saving us. I do really mean it."

"Errrr." Vala makes a quaky noise, "A bit of lackluster save if you ask me."

"No one's asking you!" Rodney spins to Vala in frustration."Will you stop with the running commentary?"

"It's… kind of what she does." Daniel lifts his hands.

"I fail to see how this is a talent worthy of mention." Rodney glares at Vala, "No? No witty remarks for that one?"

Jeanie appears to be trying to deflect the tension and reaches over the table to touch Dave's arm, "Well, I just want to say that I think you're great. I don't care how much money you make. Welcome to the family."

"Huh?" Dave is perplexed.

"Oh, it's a Canadian expression." Jeanie plays it off.

This couldn't get much worse. Rodney places his hands over his face in embarrassment. Maybe they will just forget about him if he keeps his face hidden.

"So, Rodney." Dave clears his throat, "John tells me you're a physicist?"

Rodney is slow to answer and Jeanie begins for him, "Yes, he is. We both are, it's just that I have not chosen to sell my knowledge for profit to the government industrial complex."

"Oh please," Rodney turns to snark at her, "you so have."

"Have not." Jeanie protests, "Just because I help you with your homework occasionally does not mean I buy into the-"

Woolsey interjects, "Seeing as neither of you are citizens of this country, you can save your criticisms for when that time comes, if indeed, it ever does."

Rodney protests, "I wasn't criticizing-"

"Rodney!" Woolsey barks, "I think we've heard just about enough."

Lowering his head, Rodney tries to blend into the background for the rest of the meal. He feels Dave watching with him curiosity.

After people finish talking and eating, Rodney makes quiet overture to Dave, "Listen, I, uh, would like to say I'm sorry. Maybe I can make it up to before you go."

"I would like that, maybe dinner sometime." Dave tells him.

"How long will you here?" Rodney asks.

"A little while." Dave shrugs, "How about tomorrow?"

"Yeah. But, maybe not in cafeteria, it can get kind of nuts."

Dave smiles in a way that reminds Rodney of John. He misses John so much.

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* * *

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Dave takes his time absorb what he has seen of Rodney McKay so far. John had warned him that Rodney would be handful. Though John never said anything about who exactly, Rodney is to him, he can't doubt that this was somebody John cares for very much. He had given Dave such detailed instructions about Rodney's personality…. His likes and dislikes, ways to get him to talk, to challenge him to a game.

He supposes Rodney is attractive; his personality is just so different than John's. It wouldn't have been the pairing Dave would guessed. But then Dave has missed so much of John's life. He barely knows who is brother is. In a way, that is why he is here, to get to know his John and understand his world.

John has explained that Rodney eats an early dinner, due to his medical recovery. No to citrus products. Yes to blue jello. Dave sets up the dinner in his quarters and invites Rodney over.

When Rodney arrives, he looks bashful, not at all like the brash man Dave had met in the cafeteria yesterday.

He fidgets, "I, again, I'm so sorry about the other day. I really got off on the wrong foot. I didn't realize who you were."

"Otherwise you would have kept at me?" Dave laughs.

"Well, maybe." Rodney looks embarrassed.

Dave gestures to the seats at the coffee table, "I took the liberty of-"

"Ooo. Blue jello." Rodney interrupts and immediately selects the tray that was handpicked for him.

"I was hoping that we might spend more time together while I'm here." Dave says as he appraises Rodney carefully.

"Did John ask you check up on me?" Rodney sets his utensils down.

"Yes." Dave is frank, "But I was rather hoping you could help me get know my brother a little better."

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* * *

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Rodney likes thinking about it that way, as if he and Dave are in cahoots about something, rather than feeling like he is an invalid that needs looking after.

"Okay." Rodney takes a big bite of jello.

"You know him pretty well." Dave states.

"Last 5 ½ years, I guess." Rodney tries to keep it sounding casual.

"Well, tell me about my brother." Dave is thoughtful, "What kind of man is he?"

"He is…" Rodney sets the jello aside and reflects, "The first thing he is, is brave. SO much bravery and valor. He's practically a superhero."

Dave smiles and Rodney continues, "No, I'm serious. I mean, you have no idea the kind of stuff he's capable of. He has risked his life so many times and gotten out it because he's just that good …and more than a little lucky. But he's put his life on the line for all of us here so many times. We would do anything so for him."

"What else?" Rodney takes another big spoonful of Jello, "Oh. Loyal. He's very loyal, you know. That's made us all very loyal to him."

Speaking through a mouthful Rodney adds, "There was a time when he didn't have a team, he was… on his own. But I don't think it's how he was meant to be because when he got to Atlantis, he pulled us all together and made us, kind of like, a family."

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* * *

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Dave feels sad, 'Yeah, the family he never had'.

Out loud he says, "I'm glad that he has you all. You know, the main reason I got involved with the IOA, was really that I wanted to be a part of my brother's life again…"

Dave wonders how much Rodney knows about the past and finds himself uncomfortably confessing, "I should have been more of a brother to him, been there to look after him when he was younger. But instead I left him on his own. I know I can't make up for the past entirely, but I'd like to try."

"Oh." Rodney swallows a bite and looks at Dave, "I think, I mean, I know he's forgiven you. It didn't take much. When he went home, and you told him that you loved him and accepted him... Well, ah, I think it healed a part of his heart that was broken for a long time."

Dave's throat is tight and he pinches the bridge of his nose. He didn't expect to get this emotional.

Rodney speaks more softly, "I was really happy for him when he told me."

Unable to speak for a moment, Dave nods. He collects himself, "I just missed his whole life, you know, for nothing. I shouldn't have let my Dad… And I didn't even think about how that would feel for John. I never seemed like he really cared."

"Oh. Yeah, he's good at hiding it." Rodney makes a sympathetic expression, "You know, like nothing gets to him, as if he could care less about what's going on around him."

"Yeah." Dave looks up sharply, "I do it too though. It's how we were raised. Stay detached, unemotional. Guess it's no surprise that neither of us could hold a marriage together. I don't know why Mom stayed with as long as she did…" Dave trails off.

"It sounds like it was real hard the way you guys grew up." Rodney speaks carefully and something about his tone tells Dave he knows all about his mother's death.

"Well," Dave presses his lips together, "we had a lot of things, materially. But it was hard after Mom died. It was just empty, cold. I suppose we should have had each other to lean on. But the three of us lived in ours own worlds after that. I don't blame my Dad entirely …

Dave's shoulders stoop in guilt, "I can't blame John at all. He was just a kid, and he was… he was always reaching out to me but I was never there for him."

"You were both kids." Rodney offers him an excuse.

"So you and your sister, you seem pretty close." Dave tries to shake of the heavy feeling in his chest.

"We fight a lot. And we haven't always been close. We've gone through periods where we didn't talk. It was entirely my fault of course. Uh… partly this of this project, being in another universe -and partially, because I'm not great at being close to people. But I'm a little better at it now".

"What's the longest you ever went without talking?" Dave is curious.

"It was about 4 years, I think?"

"Not quite the same." Dave sighs.

"No." Rodney agrees, "But want to be in each other's lives now. That's what matters."

"Okay." Dave leans back in his chair, "Tell me more about John."

"Well, we left off with bravery, valor, and loyalty…" Rodney looks thoughtful, "I guess I would have to say fun, funny. He is like a little kid that way he plays games and gets all competitive."

"He said the same thing about you." Dave laughs.

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* * *

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Rodney is curious, "He told you about me?"

"Oh." Dave raises his eyebrows, "More than I needed to know."

"Like what?" Rodney's stomach burns with embarrassment.

"Well," Dave begins, "it was more like a set of instructions. How to handle Rodney McKay with care. He warned me that you were a handful, so I was expecting a livewire. And you didn't disappoint, obviously. He laid out what to do, what not to do. What Rodney can eat and when… All kinds of stuff like that."

"Is that all?" Rodney asks.

"Yeah." Dave gives Rodney a curious look, "I suppose there's other stuff I would like to know, but that's the kind of stuff he told me."

"And you came all this way to follow his instructions?" Rodney asks.

"Of course." Dave is serious now; "It's the first time I can remember him really asking me for anything since he was… about 9. I knew must be important."

"That's kind of sweet." Rodney is touched. He isn't sure if he is talking about John, Dave, or both.

"That's another thing John is," Rodney tells him, "Sweet. And charming. Woman fall for him left and right because he's so charming and good looking."

Dave is frowning in confusion, "But he's not-"

Rodney cuts Dave off before he can continue, "He's romanced his share of sexy woman in this galaxy and the next. John could be with anyone he wants to… But the thing is, that most people don't realize about him is, that the charm is a deceptive wall, it's an act that everything for him is easy. He doesn't let a lot of people in.

"But he lets you in." Dave is pensive.

"Uh, yeah" Rodney lowers his eyes in embarrassment, "I guess."

"Is he really that charming?"

"Oh my God." Rodney rolls his eyes, "The worst. It is so infuriating how likeable and charming he is. You can imagine how much harder that makes it for me."

"You?" Dave asks.

"Well," Rodney gives Dave a poignant look, "as you witnessed for yourself, I don't exactly make a good first impression, or second, or whatever. You get the idea."

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* * *

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Dave rubs the back of his neck, "Oh, I don't know. You're doing pretty good now."

"Don't jinx it." Rodney waves his hands quickly. "Don't jinx it."

"All right, well…" Dave slides forward in his chair, "Now, I hear you're a pretty crappy chess player… So, I brought a board, to see if I could kick your ass as easily as John said I could."

He starts to set the pieces up to the side of the dinner trays. When he looks up Rodney is glaring at him.

John had warned Dave about the famous glare, he doesn't take it seriously.

Then Rodney's face screws up. "Wait. Did John tell you to say that to me?"

"Yes." Dave gives a tight smile.

"See," Rodney rolls his eyes and sighs, "this is what he does to me, it never stops with the taunting."

"I hear that you do plenty of taunting yourself." Dave studiously moves a pawn.

"No. A little." Rodney is exasperated, "Only for defensive purposes. You have no idea what I have to put up."

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	104. Vala & Daniel uncover Rodney's secret

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Jeannie stays on a few more days to help Rodney finish his project and then says her goodbyes. After she leaves Rodney starts spending more time with Dave. He takes Rodney out to pebble beach for fancy golf experience. He even also comes by the lab and distracts Rodney the just way John used to.

Dave is nothing like John, but Rodney grows fond of him. He is kind, he interested in Rodney's projects, and he puts up with Rodney's moods. So, maybe he is a little bit like John. Even if this is all just a penance for John, it is gracious and it helps Rodney miss John less.

And Dave's company is a welcome respite from all time he has been having to spend with Daniel lately. He and Daniel have been assigned to Janus's lab to decode and crack the ciphers on the mysterious machines. Daniel works on the ancient riddles and linguistics while Rodney focuses on the algorithms.

Vala is constantly traipsing in and disrupting his focus. For the life of him, he can't figure out what hell she is even doing here on Atlantis. Apparently her specialty is following Daniel around and making wisecracks.

She leans over consoles in her sexy skintight outfit. Not that Rodney is opposed to sexy skintight outfits on woman, as a general rule. Just, Vala is so over the top and obnoxious. Rodney lifts his chin up in irritation as she laughs and whispers something in Daniel's ear.

He interrupts their hushed conversation, "Is there a reason why the two of you can't go somewhere else to whisper your sweet nothings?"

Vala turns around and leans back on one of the machines, "What's the matter, Rodney? Too hot for you to handle?"

Daniel sounds embarrassed "We're not actually-"

"Not having sex on the machines… Well, at least not while you're here." Vala grins.

Wrinkling up his nose, Rodney feels ill with the image of Daniel soiling the equipment. He pulls his hands away from the console in distaste.

Vala bursts out laughing and Rodney spins his chair around to glare at her more fully, "So this outfit your wearing… to me it just screams science department. But as the head of Sciences here on Atlantis, no one has briefed me on your actual duties. Maybe you could explain to me a little bit about what you do around here?"

"Actually, Rodney, it seems to me that you're sporting a new look yourself these days," Daniel cracks, "What happened to those stylish short-sleeved tops? You've got, kind of a, Colonel Sheppard vibe going now with the long sleeved T-shirts and solid black. Oh. Wait, is this the official attire now for the head of sciences?"

Rodney's mouth hangs open, unsure of how to respond and nervous at the mention of John's name.

"Maybe he's in mourning." Daniel shrugs and looks at Vala, "Didn't Jennifer break up with him to date Ronan?"

"No, no." Vala corrects him, "Rodney broke up with Jennifer."

"Really?" Daniel peers at Rodney in confusion.

Bristling with hostility, Rodney sputters, "Why does everyone find that so hard to believe?"

"Oh it's not. The reason is obvious." Vala smirks.

Rodney frowns feeling flustered as Vala traipses over to him..

"I can't believe you wouldn't tell us about your secret love for Colonel Sheppard." Val sounds happy go lucky, "It's nothing to be ashamed of." Vala she smiles plucking at his shirt.

The color drains out of Rodney's face. He stares at her and then back to Daniel. His heart is racing his mind is clouded with pure panic. How can this be happening?

He blurts out a plea for amnesty without thinking, "Oh-my-God-please, please, don't say anything -He could get court martialed."

"Oh my God." Vala gapes, "I'm right? I was only joking…"

Now Rodney is starting to hyperventilate. His heart is beating a million miles an hour, his hands are shaking. He has to get out of here.

Rodney keeps his eyes on the floor as he flees the lab, "Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God."

He may have just cost John everything, they would both have to leave Atlantis, their home. "Oh God-Oh God-Oh God-Oh God." Rodney shuffles down the hall in terror.

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* * *

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Daniel sighs uncomfortably at Vala, lifting a thumb toward the door, "I should probably go after him."

"Yeah." Vala nods.

Figuring Rodney is likely in his quarters, Daniels tries there first, ringing the chime. No one answers and he is about to leave when hears Rodney's voice from inside.

Assuming the door must be open, Daniel waves his hand over the panel, walking in.

Rodney is shaking like a leaf, he looks so petrified that Daniel feels sorry for him, "Rodney you don't look well, maybe you should sit down."

Rodney silently drops to the edge of the bed and Daniel notices just how thin Rodney has become. Sitting hunched over himself this way, he looks downright frail

"Rodney we should talk about this. I'm sorry about what Vala said… She's always teasing people like that. Neither of us had any idea."

"And now you do." Rodney is thin lipped, "None of that makes it any better."

"Okay. So why are you so upset?" Daniel questions.

"Why!?" Rodney looks up at him with rage, "Why am I upset Daniel? Because thanks to you, John I and are going to lose everything. He'll be court martialed. I'll have to resign and we'll lose our home. To you, this is just a curiosity full of Ancient gadgets, but for us it has been home, a real home, that we are about to lose. I might even lose him. So, I'm upset, yeah."

"Oh my God." Rodney folds his arms into himself and looks bleakly without focusing on anything in particular, "What am I going to tell him?"

"First off, Rodney," Daniel feels defensive, "I'm more than a little offended that you think I would tell anyone about this."

"So, I'm just supposed to trust you." Rodney hisses.

"Secondly," Daniel continues, "I don't know where all the hostility comes from. I have nothing against you, apparently you have something against me... But I wouldn't divulge your personal life out of spite, or, or for any reason, for that matter. I don't know why you have such a low opinion of me. I certainly don't feel like I've ever done anything to merit it. I mean, what have I ever done to you, Rodney?"

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* * *

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Rodney hunches further, his arms digging into themselves. He feels like he wants to scream and cry at the same time. What is he going to tell John?

The fear is overtaking him, Rodney is reverting to an old wounded place. What if John leaves him? He starts to rock hypnotically to soothe himself, rubbing his arms the way John used to, to calm him down.

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* * *

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Daniel watches with growing concern. As Rodney moves his hands over his arms, Daniel sees ugly pink scars twisting up from his wrists. Something has happened to Rodney since the last time he was on Atlantis. Something bad.

"Rodney?" Daniel speaks softly.

Rodney looks up at him defensively and sees him looking at his wrists; he clutches the sleeves of his shirt back down self consciously, "Yes. Thank you! There is a reason I wear long sleeved shirts now."

A knot of guilt burning in his stomach, Daniel tells him, "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I had no idea."

But Rodney doesn't respond. He is hyperventilating and rocking with his eyes glazed over. He looks like is lost somewhere else, somewhere bad.

"No…." Rodney mutters to himself, "Please… no."

Rodney has always been prickly, every time Daniel had tried to reach out to him, he had just gotten bitten in return, but seeing Rodney like this, pulls his heartstrings, makes him want to try again.

Daniel grabs a small blanket off the end of the bed and sets it around Rodney's shoulders. Rodney clutches at it like a child and looks like he is about to cry.

"Please." Rodney's voice is pinched and small, "God. No."

Sitting next to him, Daniel is uncertain of what to do. He makes a move, maybe the wrong one. He reaches his arm over Rodney's shoulders and pats his upper arm on the far side.

"I'm sorry…." Rodney stops rocking immediately and his head falls forward. "Oh God..."

"Hey, hey." Daniel squeezes him and pats the back of the blanket, "It's okay. Why don't we start over? …I'm sorry. Really, I am. I don't want to hurt you Rodney. I never did. I'd like to be your friend if you let me."

Rodney head nods wearily and Daniel keeps his arm around him. It feels like the right thing to do.

When Rodney speaks it sounds constricted, like he is trying not to cry, "I'm sorry ...some ...stuff …happened, not-quite-over-it. And I, I miss John."

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* * *

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Rodney thinks about at the nights has woken up alone, screaming for John. The fear the he won't come back, the thought that Rodney could make one stupid mistake lose John's love is more than he can take right right now.

His voice is squeaky and Rodney can't be sure if Daniel understands, "I don't want to lose him."

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* * *

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Daniel squeezes Rodney's shoulders and assures him, "You're not going to lose him, Rodney. Not as long as I'm around. Friends look out for each other."

"We're friends, right?" Daniel leans down to see Rodney's face.

"If you say so?" Rodney looks apprehensive.

Nothing with Rodney is ever easy.

"Hmm. Okay. Well, I say so, so there." Daniel screws up his face, making a declarative statement, "You and me and are officially friends now."

Giving it a little time to sink in, Daniel asks, "Okay?"

"Okay…" Rodney sounds suspicious.

"And Vala may not seem like," Daniel explains, "but she's a person who can keep a secret if it is important."

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* * *

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Rodney nods, starting to feel foolish for letting himself get so scared. He sits upright and Daniel drops his arm. Letting the blanket on his shoulders fall to the bed, Rodney tries to regain his composure.

He isn't used to falling apart like this around someone he doesn't trust, but he has a feeling that maybe things are going to be okay after all. Still, this is an epic fuck up on his part.

Eyeing Daniel cautiously, Rodney holds out his hand, "Friends."

Daniel shakes his hand and sounds relieved, "So now that we're friends, maybe you can show me and Vala around... we don't know a lot of other people here yet."

"And..." Daniel adds, "I know Vala acts like we are, but we're not a couple, she just likes to play around. What do you say? You could show us whatever's fun around here."

"Yeah. Uh, okay." Rodney nods more confidently, "Dave and I were going to do something tomorrow. You guys could come, I guess."

"Don't tell me you guys are getting along now." Daniel lifts his eyebrows.

"Yeah. I think John wanted us to get to know each other."

"Nice save." Daniel smiles.

"Thanks." Rodney smiles meekly, "So all this… stays between us?"

"Of course." Daniel sounds sincere.

Okay, he will go out on limb here and try trusting Daniel. Rodney exhales. When he really thinks about it, he isn't sure why he had decided he didn't like him in the first place. He really can't think of a good reason, other than the McKay trademark bubble of hostility.

Rodney stands up and Daniel follows his lead.

"You going to be okay if I go?" Daniel asks.

"Yeah," Rodney assures him, "I got plans with Carson and Dave."

"Okay then," Daniel pats him on the shoulder one last time, "see you back at the lab."

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For the rest of the week, it seems like the party is happening every night Vala's place. Vala is hilarious and charms everyone with her antics. Jennifer seems especially taken with her and they become fast friends.

Carson and Dave seem to really hit it off too, they even take a day trip fishing and golfing together. John should be home any day now. Rodney can think of little else.

One night while they are all playing charades, Jennifer mentions that she and Rodney used to date. Rodney gets nervous when anything comes up that might give away his relationship with John. He is pretty sure that Dave doesn't know.

"Really, you two?" Dave looks curiously at the two of them.

"Why does everyone find that so hard to believe?" Rodney says with hostility.

"No." Dave looks confused, "But I thought... Were you together long?"

Jennifer starts to talk and Rodney's stomach tightens, "Well, he broke things off actually, before we got too serious. He was in love with someone else."

A panic starts to rise in Rodney's chest that Dave is going to ask who. But he seems to accept that answer and doesn't pry any further. The rest of the evening goes well. Rodney has fun, but he can't wait to go back to John's room and listen to his song.

Maybe tonight is the night John will come back. He waits up in bed as long as he can keep his eyes open but John does not return.

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	105. Rodney learns why John really left

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Days go by. Too many. If Rodney wasn't a mathematician, maybe he would have lost count by now. John said he'd be gone about a month. It is 4 days into week 5 now. Something must be wrong. If John was going to come back, he would have already.

Carson always assures Rodney that John will be back soon. Of course Dave is great, but Rodney doesn't want to give the impression that he and John are anything more than close friends.

Strangely, Rodney finds himself confiding in Daniel about his fears. Daniel is actually really kind and patient with him when Rodney isn't placing him under constant verbal attack. As it turns out he and Daniel have quite a bit in common and Rodney is surprised that he has come to enjoy his company at work.

Even though John didn't bring Daniel and Vala to Atlantis, he brought Jeanie and Dave… Workout sessions with Teyla… Rodney feels John's protective presence still around him, creating an environment where Rodney feels safe, surrounded by friends and family.

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When the call finally comes in, that John and Ronan are on their way back, Rodney is out on the pier, introducing Dave to one of his brother's favorite pastimes. The two of them race to the hangar bay and find Jennifer already waiting. Rodney's heart is pounding. He was an ear splitting grin. He can hardly wait to see the Jumper descend. He watches for the ceiling door to retract, afraid that if he takes his eyes away he will miss it.

While Jennifer talks to Dave, Rodney starts reciting Pi in his mind to calm himself down. Finally, there is some movement and the ceiling opens. The little Jumper is there, gliding down gently until it touches the floor. The back hatch opens. And he is here at last.  
Rodney's heart flips when he sees John's face. He barely notices as Jennifer rushes past him to kiss Ronan.

All he can see is the man he loves. John's eyes are heavy with love. He sets down the gear in his arms and closes the distance between. John pulls Rodney into him like he has been starving for him.

Rodney's body knows just how to fit with John and he curls every part of himself into him. He holds him tight and breathes into John's neck. Mmm, that smell he has missed, like clean summer air with a hint of Aqua Velva.

He remembers that Dave is here and he should let go, but John doesn't, so he lets himself hold onto this feeling. Love, there is so much love he feels, it is splitting his chest open, Rodney can hardly take it.

"Dave!" John finally notices and steps forward. John clasps Dave into a warm but much shorter hug.

Ronan is carrying a laughing Jennifer off in his arms.

"Ronan." Rodney waves, "Good to see you!"

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* * *

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John clasps both of his boys around the shoulders, "What do say we go get some beers!"

Dave and Rodney laugh.

"We were just doing that." Rodney explains.

"Oh, no." John smirks, "Rodney with more than one beer? Watch out."

They head out to the pier and drink some more. The three of them talk. John doesn't speak about his trip but enjoys hearing stories about what Dave and Rodney have been doing over the last few weeks.

Rodney seems pretty tipsy by the end of the evening. When they walk back John wraps his arm around Rodney to steady him. They see Dave off and head back to John's quarters.

Before John opens the door, Rodney stops him, "I was planning to clean up, sorry. I've actually been sleeping in here so…"

John waves the door open and steps in. He takes in the messy space, filled with Rodney's clothes and his. The laptops, the gadgets. Rodney has moved the comforter to this small bed. One of John's long-sleeved black tees is on a pillow. r39;

"Sorry." Rodney takes the mess in as well.

"No." John shakes his head happily, "It's perfect. I like it. It's you."

"Oh Rodney," John sits on the side of the bed smiling ear to ear, "it's so good to be back home with you."

Settling onto the bed next to him, Rodney confesses, "I've missed you like crazy. I felt like I was losing it."

John kisses it away and makes is better.

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* * *

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Oh it has been so long since Rodney felt those pouty lips. He can't get enough. Breathless, between kisses he tells John, "I did something else… while you were gone...I made you something"

"You made me something?" John smiles with his whole face, "I made you something too."

"Yeah," Rodney is bashful, "I don't know if you'll like it…"

"I'll like it." John looks boyish and thrilled.

"Okay" Rodney gets up off the bed. He walks to the far wall conjoining the rooms, before the balcony.

He looks at the wall back at John, "This has all kinds of settings, so it is very secure, but for now it's just…." Rodney waves his hand over a light fixture and the wall opens into an open panel between the two rooms.

John stands up in shock and walks toward it.

"I had reroute all kinds of conducts and do some light welding, but... viola" Rodney points but to his quarters, It is just as neat in there as John left it.

Walking into Rodney's room, John is wide-eyed. He crosses the threshold again back into his own quarters, "Rodney, you're a genius."

"You like it?" Rodney asks nervously.

"I love it" John takes him in his arms kisses him soundly.

"Oh good, 'cause, I kind of moved us in together without asking."

"Now it's our place." John tells him as he kisses the sensitive spot behind Rodney's ear.

Rodney giggles as John's whiskers tickles his neck. "What did you make me?" He asks.

"Awww." John tosses his head to one side, "You know, it's nothing. Not compared to what you did."

"But I want it." Rodney pouts. "I've waited all this time for my reward."

"Then you're going to be disappointed." John makes a face.

"Never. I already have everything I want."

John reaches into one of bags and pulls out a little box. He sits in end of the bed with crossed legs but his face look more serious than he has been since he got back. Rodney sits down across from him and gives John has undivided attention.

"See these?" pulls out his dog tags from under his shirt and sets the box in his lap for a moment.

Rodney nods.

"They're fakes. I got them make while I gone. They are very good fakes, the military would never know."

"Oh?" Rodney isn't sure where this is going.

Looking pensive John picks up the box, "In here, are my real tags. The ones I've been wearing since I was a kid. The ones that have been with me through everything for the last 20 years."

As he opens the box, Rodney peers in to see a pair of well worn dog tags.

"I know it's not a ring or anything but..." John picks them up thoughtfully, "these are part of me, and they are supposed to belong to my family. -Not that I'm going anywhere- I'm not. I just, I couldn't stand the thought of anyone having these but you. You're my family and wanted to give them to you before I'm old and useless and I forget what they were for."

Rodney's lower lip slowly pushes itself out as John is talking. His eyes get glassy. As John stops speaking and offers them up to Rodney, a few tears spill from his eyes.

"Oh Mere, I'm sorry, don't cry." John moves into Rodney, touching his face.

"No. It's wonderful." Rodney shakes his head, "It's so sweet… Just so sweet."

"Not bad?" John kisses away the stray tears.

"No. Good…" Rodney shakes his head again and smiles, "The sweetest thing anyone ever gave me."

John gazes at Rodney with love and tenderness, like he is looking for approval. Then he seems to see what he is looking for. He gingerly lifts the chain around Rodney's neck and then tucks them under his shirt. His hand stay, resting on the tags, just over Rodney's heart.

Breathing deeply Rodney can feel John's warmth, almost as if John's entire presence radiating through his chest.

Rodney climbs onto John's lap and finds his lips, telling him, "You're mine."

"I'm yours." John nods, his eyes full of surrender.

He takes John's mouth fully in his. He takes all the kisses he has been missing the last 5 weeks. He makes John feel how strong he is now; he makes John give himself to Rodney utterly. He takes enough until is dizzy, sleepy, and sated.

Then Rodney grabs onto the front of John's shirt and pulls him off the bed, the way John had pulled Rodney that day on the Daedalus. Grabbing the comforter in one arm, he pulls John through the panel door into the bigger bed. Using his remaining strength to adjust the bedding, he reaches for John and pulls him down onto it. They collapse into each other and he is drunk with the wonderful feeling of being tangled up in John.

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Rodney wakes screaming, "Oh God! NO! NO! Please?! Oh God. Please stop, please stop!" This time he isn't alone.

"You're safe, Mere." John's arms close around him, stopping the shaking, "You're always going to be safe now."

Whimpering into John, he wonders when this is going to stop. He is so tired of this. When will they stop hurting him? He chokes, biting back the nausea.

John rubs Rodney's back and tightens his hold on Rodney, "They're all dead, Mere. Every last one of them. They can't ever come for you ever again."

He shakes into John, letting the spasms pass. When his breathing starts to return to normal he hears John's words.

"Wait… What do you mean, dead?"

There is an edge in John's voice arms and his strong arms squeeze him, "I mean, I killed them. I killed them dead. I killed them all. I took them out, one by one. And now they can't ever hurt you again."

"What…?" Rodney gasps and lets John stroke his back. He still feels so dizzy, "You… Is this serious?"

"Very serious." John rasps, "That's why I had to go. It's what I had to do."

"You left… to go kill them?" Rodney feels floaty.

"All of them. I had to get all 5." John's voice sounds dark and cruel, "They did not die well."

"I, Oh." Rodney gives an involuntary shudder, "I never asked… You didn't have to-"

"Yes, Rodney, I had to." John cuts him off, "At least for me. I had to do something about my own nightmares." r39;

"And did it help?" He sags into John's arms.

"Yeah. It really did." John sounds relieved.

Rodney clings onto John, "Tell me again?"

John pets Rodney and murmurs, "Mmm. I went after those fucking bastards. I hunted them and took them down one by one, I made them hurt while I watched them die. I took their lives from them, watched them take their last breaths.

Those men were savage mercenaries, demons that enjoyed torture, twisting the life out of people. So I twisted the life out of them. And then Ronan helped me get rid of the bodies. No one will even miss them.

They needed killing and I killed them good. Good and dead so they can't come back for you. Or anybody else. Whatever you see in your dreams, Mere, they are only ghosts now. They can't touch you. You're free."

He doesn't why this macabre lullaby feels so good. He lies down and rests his head on John's shoulder. As John pets his head, he begs John to tell him one last time. John recounts the short tale again and Rodney drifts into a peaceful sleep to the sound of his voice

.  
.


	106. It feels like Rodney has come back

.  
.

When Rodney wakes in the morning he wonders if it was all a dream. He feels around his neck and finds the dog tags. Then John steps out of the shower and Rodney's heart soars.

He leaps out of bed and asks, "Will you wait for me?"

John smiles and nods while he hunts for his clothes. He puts on one of Rodney's blue shirts and some of his briefs. Before John heads to his own room for the rest of his outfit, he stops Rodney on the way to the shower, "Mere."

"Yes?" Rodney waits.

"We can never speak of what I did." John's eyes are piercing, "Not with anyone. Do you understand?"

Rodney's mouth falls open as he nods. None of it had been a dream. He returns to the solemn gaze and verbalizes, "Never. With anyone."

John's face softens and leaves Rodney to his shower. Alone with his thoughts, Rodney feels guilty for how much he resented this 'trip' John had gone on with Ronan. He had imagined them surfing in South Africa, not stalking the men who had raped and tortured him.

Regardless of what he had told Rodney, John had not left for himself. He had taken revenge for Rodney to make him feel safe. It chills him to remember that John is trained to be a ruthless killer.

On some level, over the years Rodney has always known John was protecting him. As scared as Rodney had been on some of those missions, he had known that John was looking after him a little more than anyone else.

For Rodney, the worst times had not been his own fear, but when John had been in danger or presumed dead. Rodney had felt completely helpless. He supposes that is how John must have felt when he was powerless to do anything to help Rodney or stop what was happening to him.

John had needed to make things right. He had tended to Rodney and nursed him back to health, and then he had gone after the men who had hurt him and destroyed them.

Every time he thinks about them… Dead. Destroyed. Gone… He feels better -lighter and happier. Like John was an extension of his own hand, reaching out and snuffing the life out of them, taking back whatever they stole. Rodney feels stronger and far less afraid.

When he gets out of the shower, John is sitting on a chair waiting for him. Rodney gazes at him with love, "Em?"

John turns his head toward Rodney.

"Thank you." He says deeply.

John starts to say something dismissive but Rodney stops him with a hand on his shoulder. John's expression changes when he sees the dire expression on Rodney's face.  
Rodney holds his eyes for a long time to make sure John understands, "Thank you."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Giving a barely perceptible nod, John just presses his lips together.

As Rodney gets dressed, John takes in how much Rodney has changed; John had been shocked when he first saw Rodney in the Jumper coming back. In his mind, Rodney was still the same guy he always knew. When John had been here with Rodney before, the changes had been gradual so he hadn't seen it objectively.

Coming back had been a shock, to see Rodney so small, it had scared him. But now he can see that Rodney is actually stronger than when he left him. He has lost weight, too much John thinks. But he has taken on a lot of muscle, even since John left. He seems stronger emotionally too.

It's intangible but John feels like Rodney has finally come back to him. When Rodney is done dressing he tells John that they should take the time to make separate entrances, since that is the point. John returns to his own room. Rodney locks the panel behind him, and John exits his own door to meet Rodney in the hall.

On the way to eat, Rodney tells John that he should prepare himself for some changes since Teyla went off active duty. Daniel Jackson and someone he met once, Vala Mal Doran, have joined Atlantis.

"Really? John knows how Rodney feels about Daniel, "How is that going?"

"I'm fine with it" Rodney shrugs, "We're actually kind of friendly now… but it gets pretty crazy in the cafeteria these days."

"Define crazy?"

"Oh, it's good." Rodney assures him, "Just a lot of people crowded into one table."

"And you're okay with that?" John asks.

"Yeah. Totally." Rodney smiles.

He wishes could show Rodney how proud he feels of him right now, but John keeps a professional distance. The two of them get their food and he spots Dave at a very crowded table. Dave is sitting with Jennifer, Ronan, Carson, Daniel, and a familiar looking woman for must be Vala. John and Rodney squeeze in across from Dave and Carson.

"You know" Rodney tells him, "Your brother has actually gotten quite chummy with my pal Carson while you were gone."

"That so Dave?" John is amused.

Dave points a thumb at Carson, "He's actually a pretty fine fisherman."

John gives nod of respect.

"You have a fine brother here, John." Carson compliments.

"Unlike this guy." Dave gestures to Rodney, "Can't play chess to save his life."

"Beat him every time." Rodney tells John with a mild roll of the eyes.

"But didn't I hear something about how you cheat?" Dave asks.

"If you call using your brain cheating, then...Yes, I cheated." Rodney snorts.

"Dave how much longer are you staying?" John questions.

"Well, I have to leave in couple days to take care of some old business, but I was thinking, if you'd be willing, maybe I could use your ranch to work more locally. That way I could come visit more often."

"Sure, I'll give you the keys." John is cheerful, "Just make me some spares."

"Ranch?" Rodney turns to John.

"It's property that has been in the family for years." Dave explains, "My Mom's side. Dad gave it to John in the will. It's pretty nice."

Dave redirects to John, "Have you been out there yet since it was deeded to you?"

"No, I haven't had the time." John admits.

"It's huge," Dave tells Rodney, "quite a few different houses on the same property. Big enough to have all your friends come for a visit."

Rodney has a neutral expression on his face, as if he doesn't know why Dave is telling him about this.

Dave looks at John again, "You have a really nice group of friends here. It's been lovely getting to know them all."

"Thanks. I think they're pretty awesome." John feels touched.

"Ooo." Vala smiles, waving her hand in the air, "Especially me."

"Um," John smiles at his brother, "that's the one person here I don't really know."

She extends her graceful arm, "Vala Mal Doran, pleased to meet you, again."

John shakes he hand as she explains, "We met over a briefing on chichuchua and St. Bernar-."

"She's actually great, like, hysterically funny." Jennifer shouts an endorsement from the far side of the table.

Vala coyly folds her hands under her chins and smiles at John, "You're going to love me. I just know it."

"Well, I guess we'll see, won't we". John raises his eyebrows with a wry expression.

"You'll see." Vala pops a grape in her mouth confidently.

Daniel leans over to John, "Sometimes she comes on a bit strong, but she does grow on you."

"Daniel!" Vala takes a humorously hurt expression and hits Daniel on the shoulder, "I was making a perfectly wonderful impression."

With a bemused expressed, John calls down table to Ronan, "How doing down there, big guy?"

"Mmm." Ronan nods with a mouthful of food.

"Oh, yeah," Dave says, "I remember meeting him before."

"He's, he's kind like my Chewie." John explains.

"I never know what that means." Ronan yells.

"Oh. Oh. I do." Vala raises her hand.

No one asks her to explain and John makes a face at Dave, letting him know to keep it that way, "He's not from around here."

"Still trying to get used to the idea," Dave looks perplexed, "Pegasus Galaxy, right?"

"So many movie references to make up for." Rodney adds wistfully.

"Hey," Ronan defends himself, "I've seen, like, a ton of your movies."

"Ah, but it takes a lifetime." John laughs, "Don't worry, We'll get you there, buddy."

The group starts to talk about movies, though Vala and Ronan insist they keep it to references they will understand. Vala has seen surprising number of movies and TV shows.

"So, wait." Dave stops her, "You're an alien too?"

"Well, technically." Vala postures, "But Milky Way, so we're practically neighbors."

Dave shakes his head at John and the banter continues.

Once everyone is leaving Dave asks John if they can spend some time together alone tomorrow and catch up before he goes.

"Of course." John tells him warmly.

.  
.

When morning comes John feels especially rested. He stretches and pulls Rodney into spoon with him. Rodney makes a happy sleepy noise and complies.

It is early but John isn't tired. He spends his time stroking Rodney's head and kissing his neck lightly. God. He loves him so much. Why did it take him so long to hold Rodney like this?

Suddenly the thought hits him that Rodney didn't scream in the night. John would have known. He knows instantly, his body expects it, even when he is in a deep sleep. Could it be that Rodney slept through the night?

"Mere?" John is too excited to wait. He shakes Rodney lightly.

"Mmm."

"Did you sleep through the night?" John asks cautiously.

"Mmm... " Rodney rouses himself to think about it, he moves against John. Then Rodney goes still, "Yes."

Rodney turns to face John, "Oh. That's hasn't happened yet. That's got to be a good sign."

"Very good." John is thrilled.

"Still tired though" Rodney yawns.

John lets Rodney stretch out over his chest, he pets Rodney's head while he goes back to sleep. But John's mind is alive and dancing, thinking about everything from that day to next year. It all just seems more hopeful right now.

.  
.


	107. Okay- Okay to everything

.  
.

Later that day, Dave takes a walk to the pier with John and a handful of beers. He remarks, "It's beautiful out here. Atlantis, everything, I can see why you do it."

"Did you mean what you said about staying at the ranch part time?" John squints at him.

"I did." He tells him.

"Cool." John smiles.

He tosses Dave the keys and Dave returns the sentiment, "Cool."

They look out over the water for a while drinking.

John breaks the silence, "I wanted to say thanks. For everything. For making it all happen, coming down here helping Rodney. It means… a lot to me."

"Well, I care a lot about you and…" Dave tries to find the words, "he means a lot to you, so…"

John says silent, just drinking his beer.

"I'm sorry about some of things I said in the past…" Dave tries again, "like about you not being normal-"

"That's the past," John waves his hand, "it's over."

"Well," Dave ventures, "I don't just want to be past. I want it to be...different, healed. So I need to say I'm sorry. I'm not same person I was 20 years ago. I would never think that now."

"Okay." John has an affable expression on his face, the kind Rodney told Dave that John uses to hide behind, "It's fine."

Dave wants to win back his brother's trust. He doesn't know if it is possible. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but he has to try. He's not used to talking to people like this, but this trip to Atlantis… No, it's John. John's life, John's world, it has inspired Dave to want to go deeper.

After Dad had died, Dave had realized just how alone he was in the world. The connection he had found with John after the wake was the most real, most honest thing he'd felt in years. He has a chance to have his brother back and he didn't want it to slip through his fingers.

He takes a breath, "John, I think you are a really fine man. A very honorable man, someone I look up to."

John bites his lip looking puzzled.

"I know in the past I didn't treat you that way but I want you know that I respect you immensely."

"Um, thanks. You too." John chews on his lip.

"I know…" Dave tries to go deeper, "I know you love him. And I think he's wonderful too. Anyone that you love that much has got to be. And I accept- not that's the wrong word. I mean, I embrace him as I would any person that was such a big part of your life. Thank you for trusting me enough to be a part of your world, to take care of the person you treasure most."

John's face has changed. It reminds Dave of how John used to look as a kid when he wanted Dave's approval. John swallows hard but doesn't speak.

"He was really careful. Dave continues, "you know, not to say anything that might be misconstrued. But John, you practically told me who he was to you, how important he was to you, without saying it, literally. And then I got to know him, and it's so obvious how deep it is with you two. I wished I could have told him to stop being so careful."

Remembering how Rodney's sister had touched his arm and welcomed him to the family. He offers, "I'd like to be more welcoming to him."

"I don't want him to get hurt." John's voice is tight.

Of course, John would want to protect Rodney from the kinds of things he had said before. Dave feels sad. But that was so long ago. His voice is small, "I'm not like that anymore, John. I'm not small-minded or afraid or hateful."

His voice chokes up, "I just want a chance to be a part of your life." He clears his throat, "I didn't deserve it then, but if I could have a chance to show you that I've changed… I-"

Dave feels his younger brother's arms wrap around him in a fierce hug.

"Okay. Okay to everything." John sounds emotional.

Beer in hand, Dave's body slumps forward with his legs hanging over the pier. John is holding onto him and he is just sitting here. It reminds Dave of when John was a little boy and he would try to hug onto Dave's legs. Dave had always pushed him away.

Now Dave pushes himself back awkwardly to return the hug. John is letting go. But Dave reaches around and clasps onto him for dear life. He needs John to know he isn't rejecting him.

"Thank you." He hoarsely whispers. And as John hugs him back, he still seems very much like a little kid to Dave.

That night is filled with a busy social buzz so Dave does not get a chance to say anything to Rodney. He doesn't even know what he would say. The following morning comes and goes and it is time for him to go.

John and Rodney walk him to the Jumper bay and Dave impulsively asks if can talk to them. John gestures to private alcove off of the main hallway. Dave's mouth is dry, he looks at John and John gives him a nod of approval.

"I just wanted to say…" Dave begins, "Rodney, it has been really great getting to know you. I have been duly charmed and I…"

Rodney looks stunned as Dave takes his hands, "I just wanted to say, welcome to the family."

Blinking rapidly, Rodney stares at him and then looks to John. John gives Rodney the same look of approval.

Rodney looks truly touched by what Dave said, "Thank you, I feel the same way, I-"

Dave clasps Rodney into a warm hug.

"Oh." Rodney is taken by surprise, but he hugs Dave back affectionately.

Then three of them walk to hangar bay and promise to see each other again soon. Dave gives one final goodbye hug to John, feeling so close to his bother and so grateful for the connection.

.

.

Alone in the hangar bay, Rodney tells John, "That was unexpected."

"Not really." John smiles.

Rodney looks at John's face. He is beaming and his eyes sparkle.

"I've never really had a family before," John takes Rodney's hand, "to welcome someone into to, it's kinda cool,"

He squeezes John's hand in his, "What Dave said about welcoming me to the family… it's something Jeannie said to him before she left. I didn't think he picked up on it. She tried to cover her tracks by making up something about how it was just a Canadian saying."

"Jeanie welcomed my brother into her –into your family?" John's eyebrows perk up.

"Yep." Rodney smiles, "Right after she told him she didn't care how much money he made…"

John chuckles and Rodney continues, "Uh, sorry, there are times when she and I are just a little too much alike."

"I think he loved every minute of it." John lets go Rodney's hand and runs his hands up Rodney's back.

Oh. He has missed this so much. Rodney pulls into John and lets his wander up under John's shirt to feel his chest, "Oh, that's right. You gave him a handbook on how to handle the McKays' and keep your sanity."

"Mmm." John seems distracted by Rodney's hand on his chest, "Only a small handbook."

Suddenly, Rodney pulls his hand back and looks around the empty hanger bay, "Sorry, I should be more careful, I've just missed you so much."

"Me too, Mere…" John nods and stands a lazy distance from Rodney, "So your quarters or mine?"

They both start walking their way back to their quarters, keeping a reasonable distance between then without answering the irrelevant question.  
Anxious to tell John about his slip up with Daniel and Vala and get it over with, Rodney tells him in a low voice, "So it seems like a lot of people are finding out about us… How are you doing with that?"

"It's little scary". John keeps his voice to a whisper, even though no one is around.

Looking around the empty corridors, John continues, "I'm always afraid that we're really obvious. I try to act the way I always did, but I'm not always aware of how I am around you, it can be kind of be overwhelming."

"Yeah." Rodney feels small, "Maybe we need to set up some rules or guidelines... "

He gets a dismissive look from John in reply.

"Well, something happened to me while you were gone. I fucked up a bit." He admits.

John stops walking and gives Rodney a serious look.

He feels horrible, like he wants to crawl inside himself but he keeps talking, "Well, Vala was teasing me, she said knew about our secret love, I got really upset and told her to be quiet or you could get court marshaled.

It turns out she was joking –who even jokes about something like that- but Daniel heard too. They were really apologetic afterwards and promised no one would ever know… But… Now they know too."

"Let's go." John eyes go round and dark; he starts walking again at brisk pace.

.  
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	108. Only for you, Mere

.

.

Rodney follows behind silent and from a safe distance. When they reach their destination, they walk into their separate doors giving each other a polite nod. Since Rodney has made remote locks for both of them to open the interior panel door, it is parts immediately, without either of them knowing who opened it first.

Rubbing the back of his neck, John looks moody as he paces into Rodney's room, "So how many people know now?"

He answers with growing dread, "8. Ronan, Teyla, Carson, Jeannie, Dave, Jennifer, Daniel, and Vala."

"Fuck." John curses under his breath, "I don't even know this woman."

"I've gotten to know her a bit." Rodney's voice is shaky, "She seems okay, and um, Daniel vouches for her... But that doesn't change to fact that I fucked up and… I'm really sorry."

John turns to walk over to Rodney. He seems angry but when he takes Rodney's hands, he is gentle.

"I don't blame you, Mere. This isn't your fault. This whole situation is fucked up."

Closing his eyes like he is tired, John tells him, "This is why I thought you deserved to be with someone else. You shouldn't have to deal with this. With the way things are. How can I ever give you what you deserve?"

Now Rodney's stomach is in knots. John will leave him over this. The fear seems like a reality and Rodney succumbs to the panic. John is pulling away again. This is the end, and Rodney will be without him again. John will retreat like he always has and Rodney won't be able to reach him.

"Please, Em." He pleads, "Don't go. I'll be better. I'd do anything to be with you."

"Please, please don't go." His voice is pinched with pained emotion, "I love you. It doesn't matter how we have to live just as long as I have you. Please-"

Rodney's torment of emotion is stopped short my John's embrace. He pulls Rodney close holding Rodney's lower back and neck.

"Mere. Mere. I'll never leave you."

John gently kisses Rodney's frightened face. "I just wish I had more to give you. I want to give you everything you deserve."

He kisses away the creased lines in Rodney's brow, his worried eyes, and frowning mouth until Rodney's face is smooth and relaxed.

"That's better... I love you Mere. I won't ever leave you. Never. I'm yours."

Letting himself believe, Rodney tries to return the favor and soothe John's fears away. He moves his hands over John's face trying to change the worry lines in John's brow. He ghosts his fingers over John's lips trying to tease them to out of the firm pressed line. Rodney reaches onto his tiptoes to kiss John's face, the eyes, brow, and lips.

When Rodney reaches the mouth, John finally releases his scowl and lets his lips fall back into their natural pout. John purses his lips and kisses Rodney back. He leans his head down so that Rodney can easily reach his mouth.

.

.

* * *

.

.

John is lost in the swirl of Rodney's mouth on his. The passion John feels takes over his fear and doubt. He pulls Rodney into him and plays with Rodney's lips, kissing and lapping the sensitive part until Rodney gives in lets John enter him. John drinks in everything he can. He has to have Rodney, he could never let him go. John's tongue twirls. He snakes it deliberately across the surface of Rodney's tongue.

His kisses are like a prayer, begging Rodney to let John be enough for him. His kisses are slow, haunting, and desperate with love. John occasionally retreats to kiss Rodney's lips before moving back in and plunging to the mouth inside.

.

.

* * *

.

.

The way John kisses Rodney, it is as if it will be last kiss they will ever share and Rodney feels the desperate plea behind it. He can't believe that John would still question his own worthiness. Rodney returns his kisses with a deep passion. I want you. I know you. You are mine.

John keeps drinking into Rodney like he lost in the desert and it isn't enough. Rodney needs John to feel him, to know that he is not a mirage. Rodney runs his hands up the inside of John's shirt, all the way up John's chest. He presses his hips up against John and lets him feel Rodney's hard cock through his pants.

This isn't how they usually play, and John pauses briefly. Rodney pulls his tongue back from inside John's mouth and bites on his lower lip. That gets John every time.  
John gasps and Rodney uses the moment to palm John's hard cock through his pants.

He grips it firmly and with confidence to keep John from pulling away. John seems less sure of himself, more out of control as Rodney takes the lead, kissing John deeply.  
John moans touching Rodney's back hesitantly, unsure of what to do with his hands.

Running one hand back over John's chest, he and begins to pump his other into John's cock. John is still bent down, letting Rodney kiss him the way Rodney wants. He catches John's lower lip in his mouth again.

Then he whispers, "I've been thinking so much while you were away…"

Rodney speaks between kisses, "….About what I am ready to do…"

He suckles along John's jawline and neck, taking turns between kissing and speaking, "There are some things I can't do yet…. But there are other things I can do… things I want to do… things I want you to let me do…"

Returning to John's mouth, Rodney kisses him a few times sweetly before pushing harder, more passionately inside John's mouth.

"Mmmm" John moans, in surrender.

John's body feels pliant to Rodney, his knees tremble under Rodney's touch. Rodney keeps one hand on John's cock and with other, pulls John's arms toward the direction of the bed.

"Will you let me?" Rodney asks.

"Oh God, Rodney." John stumbles a few steps forward.

Giving John a lustful look, Rodney keeps backing up to the bed. John looks smitten and lets Rodney pull him down onto the mattress. He pushes John into the comforter and quickly pulls his own clothes off before climbing on top, straddling him so that Rodney can sit on John's throbbing cock.

He pulls John's shirt up his chest so that he can enjoy the feeling of John's skin against his own cock. John's mouth is hanging open as he stares at Rodney's thick cock lying across his stomach. Rodney moves his pelvis so that he is massaging John's dick with his ass. He squeezes his own cock and moves it along John's lower abdomen.

Still speechless, John simply gapes at Rodney in lust.

Pushing John's shirt further up his chest, Rodney gives John a command., "Now take this off".

Without thinking, John reaches up and pulls it over his head.

"Mmm… So nice." Rodney smiles in appreciation.

Rodney rolls forward, pressing his cock into John' groin as he kisses John's chest, "So nice."

He keeps kissing, rubbing his cock against John's. He trails his fingers down John's neck and into chest, and wonders if John's nipples are sensitive. They are so cute. Rodney veers his kisses in that direction and finds one with his mouth.

John's chest flutters as Rodney sucks on the nipple and flicks it with his tongue. Rodney grinds on John and takes the nipple in his fingers, holding it firmly. He looks up at John, his breath is short and his eyes are closed, appearing lost in the moment. Rodney kisses way across the span of John's chest and takes the other nipple in his mouth. John sighs.  
And Rodney lavishes the same treatment that he did on the first one.

Moving on to enjoy the rest of John's chest, Rodney pulses his cock into John's as he angles himself up to John's neck. He licks behind the lobe and John inhales sharply. Rodney smiles and sucks on the lobe, licking strategically behind it. John writhes under Rodney, making much more noise than when Rodney sucked had his nipples. This pleases him immensely, as he has always had a fixation with John's ears.

"Pixie ears." Rodney murmurs.

"What?" John is soft and short of breath.

"You have cute little pixie ears." Rodney tells him as reaches his hands to play with John's earlobes.

"I do?" John looks up at Rodney with his boyish face.

"Mmmm. And I've always loved them." Rodney looks back at John with love in his eyes. John's boyishness had always made his heart flip flop. God he looks beautiful with that happy little smile, his eyes so full of joy, like John doesn't seem to know what to do with himself.

They are so many emotions in John's eyes right now, Rodney can't even sort them all out. They are all good: happiness, lust, wonder, overwhelm, and a massive amount of trust and surrender.

A startling realization hits him. He traces his fingers around John's eyes, "They're all gone."

"What, Mere?" John looks up at Rodney with gentleness.

"All your armored walls, your defensives…" Rodney exhales softly, "They're all gone."

"Only for you, Mere." John gazes at Rodney with love and trust spilling over.

"Em. I love you." Rodney leans down to smother John in kisses.

When Rodney gives John a chance to speak, John answers reverently, "I love you, Mere."

Then John slows down the seduction and cautiously holds Rodney's face in his hands, "Are you sure this okay, Mere?"

Rodney gives John a slow kiss, then answers, "I...I had this idea but I don't know if you'll like it -so maybe not…"

"What is it, Mere?" John kisses him back.

"Well," Rodney looks embarrassed, "since I can't do some of things I normally do, I was thinking about what I could do, without getting scared. It's been over 5 months now and Carson gave me a clean bill of health..."

"What do you want to do, Mere?" John looks amused.

"Well, I don't know…" Rodney hunches his shoulders a bit, "if you would ever let me… be inside you?"

He watches John's eyes to see the answer.

John has a shy, quiet look at his face. He closes his eyes submissively and nods without hesitation.

"Oh." Rodney feels his cock throb seeing John's reaction. He exhales in excitement.

Then he asks John another question, "Have you ever done that before?"

John looks shy again, lowers his eyes and shakes his head.

Now Rodney feels less sure of himself. What if he can't make John feel good? …Or what if it even ends up feeling bad to him? He frowns and realizes John is watching his reactions just as closely.

"But I would, with you, Mere." John looks intently at Rodney, his eyes are innocent, but sure, his face flushed, very turned-on.

Rodney feels his cock throb again, "Oh… Are you sure?"

"Yes." John grabs Rodney's face and pulls him into a passionate kiss full of longing. He pulls away breathless for a moment, then John pulls back into a desperate kiss, impatient for more.

.  
.


	109. The seduction of John Sheppard

.  
.

As he moves his tongue in John's mouth, Rodney imagines what it would be like to have John cum with Rodney's cock in his ass. He grabs the back of John's head and pulls into his full hair.

"Oh God, I want to fuck you so bad." He moans in between kisses.

They are kissing so hard now, they are practically wrestling with each other.

When they come up for air, John tells him, "So, fuck me then."

Hearing John say that, Rodney feels like he is going to cum right then.

Panting and pointing to John's remaining clothes, he commands, "Take these off."

John obeys and Rodney gets his lube and a hand towel out from the bed stand.

As John lies back on the bed, Rodney gasps. "God, you are so sexy."

God. John's body is so perfect. The long limbs and graceful curves, the muscles tight under his sun-kissed skin, His messy crop of dark hair, framing his boyish good looks, making him appears years younger than age.

Rodney admires the large hard cock falling into one of John's legs. Part of Rodney wants to ravage John and fuck him hard, but this is John's first time and Rodney wants it to be spectacularly good.

He wants John to know he is loved and to make him cum harder than he ever has before. John once had told Rodney that the blowjob Rodney gave him was the hardest he ever came. Rodney hopes he can break his own record.

"Mere?" "I don't want to do anything wrong…" John looks questioningly at Rodney, he lifts his hands up, "Should I just keep my arms here?"

Thinking for a minute, Rodney tells him, "Yeah, unless I direct you otherwise."

Returning his arms to his side, John nods.

Rodney walks to the bed and lowers himself on top of John. He brushes his lips across John's brow, "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

He can feel John's cock fluttering under him as Rodney takes his time adoring John's face. He kisses John's forehead, feeling the hair he loves so much brush against his cheek.

Combing his hand through the mane, he kisses along John's jawline.

"I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to make sure you know you belong to me, the way you made me belong to you."

"I'm going to make you cum so hard on my cock, that you won't ever forget that you're mine. I'm going to show you how much I love you."

As he kisses John's lips, Rodney can feel John's cock throbbing under him. "I'm going to make you feel that."

Taking John's mouth with his tongue, he gives John a demonstration of what Rodney intends to do to him when he takes him. John moans and lets Rodney have his way with him.

Then Rodney kisses down John's neck and then captures John's arms with his hands. He pulls them up over John's head and bites down on John's shoulder hard enough to leave a mark. John cries out but doesn't struggle.

When Rodney pulls his teeth away he growls possessively, "Mine."

John's cock twitches when he says it. Rodney moves his hands to touch John's chest. And John passively keeps his hands above his head, right where Rodney left them. He works his way down John's exquisite body worshipping every angle, every corner that may have been unexplored. Rodney laps at John's stomach, hips, and his side.

He palms John's ready cock and loves it. Normally he would have enjoyed sucking on it, but for now he massages it and strokes it. Rodney's fingers explore the John's inner thighs. Rodney takes a small diversion to run his fingers all the way down John's legs. He wants to memorize every part this man.

Returning to John's face, Rodney kisses him tenderly and trails his fingers around his eyes.

His hands still resting above his head, John looks up vulnerably at Rodney.

Oh God. The desire he feels is overwhelming. He kisses John hard, pulling him by the hair, back into the pillow. He sucks on John's lips and gives a little bite.

John's body trembles in anticipation. Rodney doesn't want to make him wait any longer. He goes in for one more kiss and then grabs the lube and a pillow. Repositioning himself at the end of the bed, he motions for John to bring his knees up.

Now there is room for Rodney to climb onto the bed between John's legs. He strokes John's cock and lifts John's ass to cup one of the cheeks, John lets Rodney position the pillow under him.

One of Rodney's hands strokes John's cock while he bites softly on John's inner thighs. Enjoying the groans of pleasure coming from John, he runs the other hand over John's ass and balls.

He gives John some time to enjoy the hand job, but doesn't take John too far over the edge. John pushes his hips up, writhing and moaning. Rodney adds some lube to his hand.

"Okay, Em. I'm going to get you ready. When you feel me, I want you to push down, okay?

Pumping John's cock, he places a finger at his entrance. Rodney pushes in and feels John opening for him. He waits a minute before moving his finger to stretch him. Rodney's cock twitches thinking about how tight John is and the fact that Rodney will be his first.

Once, he has two fingers inside John he tells him, "I want you to feel something...There's a spot here, I'm going to play with and make you feel good."

John is nodding shyly again.

Rodney finds the prostrate and rubs his fingers over the spot inside John.

"Oh. Wow." John bucks a little.

He slides his fingers lightly over the sensitive nerve endings and slows down his pace with John's cock to make sure John doesn't cum yet, "Feels good, doesn't it?"

"Mmm. Mmm-Hmm." Twisting and writhing, John still keeps his hands above his head, "Oh. Ahhh. Ughhhhh"

After letting John enjoy the sensation for a couple minutes, Rodney adds another finger to help him stretch, guiding John open and getting him ready to take Rodney's cock.

Rodney can't wait to fuck him, but he knows he is going to have to take his time getting it in, to make sure he doesn't hurt John. He pulls his fingers out and generously applies lube to his cock, then moves up closer to John and lifts his legs to position his entrance with Rodney's cock.

"I'm gonna fuck you, now." Rodney tells him.

John's eyes are wide and he stares for a moment with his mouth open, then he gives a quick nod.

.

.


	110. John's first time

.

.

Rodney hopes he isn't spoiling the mood with too much talk, but he wants John to be to prepared, "Okay, I want you to push down, it's going to feel weird at first -maybe hurt a little."

He knows from experience, the first time is intense and Rodney wants make this as easy on John as possible. He wants to ease him into it, and start making him feel good. He pushes John's knees back further, so he can lean over John's face.

Pushing a little at first, nothing happens. Rodney pushes harder and whispers on John's lips, "Okay, Em, you need to push."

Pressing harder against John's entrance, suddenly something gives and head of Rodney's cock breaches the inner ring.

"AAAHH!", John cries out in pain. His hands are wringing themselves above him.

"Okay. Okay. Now we just wait." Rodney instructs him.

John's eyes are big and blinking up at Rodney a little anxiously but they are filled with trust. As Rodney leans down and kisses John tenderly, one of his hands finds John's half-hard cock. He strokes him skillfully, knowing that it may take some time before John is hard again.

Jesus. Rodney is barely in and he can't believe how tight John is. It's going to be incredible being inside him. But he will be patient.

Rodney holds John's lips in a sweet pucker and then releases them, "I love you." He breathes softly.

John's body relaxes, his hands go still, resting on the ledge of the headboard; his breathing slows, "I love you."

They kiss again, forgetting the main endeavor for a moment. Then Rodney pulls back enough to see John's eyes and hold his gaze as he lets himself push into John further. God it feels so good.

"Aghhh. Ohhhh" John's eyes go wide in shock.

Watching John's face, Rodney pushes again. He remembers feeling the first time. There was some pain, a feeling of intrusion, the strangeness of someone entering his body.

Almost there, Rodney pushes one more time.

"Ughh, Oh. Oh. Oh!" John cries out, "Rodney?"

"I'm right here." Rodney stills himself, "We can stop if you want to."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John frowns and closes his eyes. This is so intense. Hot, burning, electric currents shooting through him. He feels so vulnerable and uncomfortable.

But it is Rodney and he trusts Rodney. John opens his eyes noticing that the burning sensation is starting to ebb.

"This starts to feel good at some point?" He looks up at Rodney's questioningly.

"Usually…" Rodney rest his brow against John's and then trails slow kisses down his face, "the weird pain goes away."

The light kisses along his jaw and down his neck combined with the way Rodney is touching his cock make John fluttery and lightheaded. Then he starts to feel something different. The pain is receding, but there is pressure; a lot of pressure and intensity.

Rodney is inside him.

Rodney has his hard cock inside him.

John feels an electric current from his balls into his belly. He could almost imagine having an orgasm. It has something do with the fact that it is Rodney inside of him.

He blinks his eyes heavily and looks up at Rodney, "I want you to take me."

.  
.

* * *

.

.

Rodney shudders in pleasure and pushes himself all the way in, deep inside John. John doesn't make a sound but winces and bites his lip.

Wrapping his arms around John, Rodney pulls him close to him. They couldn't be any closer physically now. With his cock is buried deep inside John, his bare chest is folded over John's, he feels John trembling in his arms.

The pain should have passed by now. Rodney is worried, "Am I hurting you?"

"No." John whispers, "It's just so intense... and vulnerable -but it's okay." John continues, "Because it's you."

"I want to make you feel good." Rodney tells him as he gently laps at John's lips.

"I trust you, Rodney" John's eyes are soft.

He keeps himself still inside John. Even without moving, it feels amazing being just inside him, Rodney is completely hard. Again he finds John's nearly soft cock and begins to tease it back to life. Focuses only on kissing John and getting him hard again.

John starts to moan with pleasure as Rodney's hand pulses around his cock. He keeps his hands submissively above his head and lets Rodney dominate his mouth.

Rodney feels an intense thrill. John is getting off on this. He decides to move himself just little bit inside John, just enough to remind John that he is impaled on Rodney's cock right now.

Timing it, he gives a small thrust with a strong flick of his wrist on John's cock.

John gives a low guttural moan, pleasure -definitely not pain.

He keeps his cock still for a moment and then times another small thrust inside John.

"Oh God." John shudders, "God. Rodney."

Moving his head up for a better angle on John's prostate. He plies John's hard cock in his hand and starts to move gently inside John's ass. He has to really concentrate not to cum right away. Nothing has ever felt as good as John's tight ass.

And John is writhing under him in pleasure, "Oh Jesus. Rodney. Oh fuck. What are you doing to me? Oh Fuck."

Even in Rodney's wildest fantasies, nothing had ever been this hot. John's bent knees are shaking and he completely under Rodney's control. John seems like he might cum too soon if Rodney isn't careful, so he slows the pace of his handjob and focuses on fucking John just right.

Rodney draws himself back -but not too far; he thrusts into John -but not too fast. A slow, steady pace.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

John looks up at Rodney in lust and wonder, "Oh God. Oh fuck. Oh….Oh…. Oh…."

He feels nothing but pure abandon now. His body is full of little electric currents, shooting through him. He has gone limp with pleasure.

Except for his cock, that is rock hard. And Rodney's hand is stroking it. John hadn't known it possible to feel anything like this, to surrender yourself so utterly to someone else, to let them ride your body into such bliss.

He is so out of control, he is falling but it doesn't matter because Rodney is making it all happen.

Oh God. Rodney's cock is pumping inside of him.

Feels so good to be a faggot, John doesn't care. He wants to laugh and cry and scream in ecstasy all at the same time.

Oh, God. Don't stop, Don't ever stop.

Rodney's thumb is on John's lips now and John looks up, bleary-eyed from lust.

"That's right…" Rodney is speaking to John as he thrusts harder inside him, "You're mine… Belong to me… Now…"

John can feel it, like Rodney has lifted John's soul from his body. It feels delicious. Belonging to someone this way. John always wants it like this. For Rodney to hold this part of him, and keep it sacred and safe.

And it is so hot seeing Rodney on top of him, fucking him. He is being fucked by Rodney. Rodney is fucking him. Oh God. John feels close to the brink.

While trailing his finger softly on John's lips, Rodney leans in, growling possessively between thrusts, "I want... to hear you... say it… Tell me... You're mine"

His body rocks as Rodney pumps into him. Knowing it is completely true, John repeats breathlessly, "I'm... Yours."

Rodney rewards him with a kiss, "And you… belong… to me."

"I… belong-to-you." John surrenders completely.

"Yes… Yes…" Rodney looks consumed by desire. "God... I love you… love you…"

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Rodney lets his rhythm speed up of the pace of his arousal. John is taking it so well. He moans in pleasure and begs Rodney not to stop. Rodney is close now.

He slides his hand, harder faster down the shaft of John's cock.

Then John's body starts to shake and Rodney takes in the sight of John losing control with his legs pinned back, out of his mind with pleasure, cumming with Rodney's cock deep inside of him.

John convulses and screams as he shoots a warm spray of seed into Rodney's hand, "Oh, GOD! Rodney! Rodn- AHHHHHH!" He pulses, gushing more in a smaller succession of waves.

Thrusting deep inside John's ass, Rodney then lets himself go then. His cock swells as he spills his cum into John's tight ass, wave after wave of pulsing, orgasmic pleasure.

"JOHNNNN! Oh God!." Rodney gasps name of his beloved, then collapses forward. Oh God. Nothing has ever felt that good. Ever.

As John trembles under him with orgasmic aftershocks, Rodney only hopes he made John feels as good he does. Lightheaded he sighs, "Ohhhh."

That was the hottest thing that happened to him. Ever. He can't believe he got to fuck John. The best orgasm of Rodney's life just happened while fucking John Sheppard's tight virgin ass. Rodney shudders in pleasure.

John is panting under him. And Rodney keeps a soft grip John's softening cock. With his free hand, he reaches up to touch John's thick locks. He can't talk yet, too delirious to speak or move.

He can feel John is still having those little orgasmic aftershocks and Rodney doesn't want to ruin it by pulling out or releasing his hold yet. He shakily pets John's hair, resting his head on John's chest while he catches his breath.

Once Rodney feels John's body go still, he quickly pulls out. He uses the small towel to clean his hand and wipe the cum off of John stomach and ass, then he crawls up to join John on the pillow.

John reaches for him and they curl into each other. Arms wrapped around each other, legs tangled together, faces nestled close. They exchange drowsy kisses as they recover.

.

.

* * *

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.

As the world starts to come back together for John, he thinks about what Rodney said earlier 'I'm going to make sure you know you belong to me, the way you made me belong to you.'

When Rodney fucked him, John felt possessed utterly. He still feels it, will always feel it deep inside him.

Is this how vulnerable Rodney had felt when John had fucked him? He feels stupid for not knowing. He should have known so much that he didn't…

"I didn't know." John mumbles against Rodney' lips.

"What didn't you know?" Rodney whispers.

"So much I didn't know." John tenderly touches Rodney's face.

He leans his head back onto the pillow and loses himself in Rodney's blue eyes, "I didn't know it could feel that good. Didn't know how it felt to cum so hard, to feel it with your whole body… I can still feel it. Mmm-God."

"So it was it good?" Rodney smiles triumphantly.

John gives Rodney a dubious look through his sleepy green eyes, "Uh. Yeah. It felt good. You fucking took me body and soul. I've never felt anything so amazing in my life!"

With a bursting smile, Rodney burrows closer into John. He winds his arms around John caressing his body. He asks, "Could you feel how much I love you?"

"Yes, Mere." John blinks with his heart wide open, "I can feel it. And I know I will never belong to anyone but you. I'm completely yours."

.

.

* * *

.

.

Rodney sees John's face, open and almost naive. He recognizes the expression. It reminds Rodney of the first time he fell in love.

It was the first time and Rodney has given himself entirely without realizing how broken he would be when Philip changed his mind. Rodney had learned to guard his heart more carefully after that, he had told himself he was being more mature about it.

John's open expression is beautiful; there is nothing broken or bitter about. He is so unabashed. Rodney vows never to do anything to take this love for granted. He will match John in every way he can, give John everything he can without holding back and never hurt him.

"Yes. You're mine." Rodney places his hand over John's heart, he curls his other hand around the dog tags on his chest and holds them against his own heart, "And I'm yours."

"You put a spell on me." John kisses Rodney, breathless and starry-eyed, "Rodney, you could do anything you want to me… you have complete power over me."

"Rodney flushes at the complimets, "I just fucked you really good."

"You fucked me." John flutters in his arms, his eyes rolls back in his head like just thinking about it is too overwhelming, "You fucked me really… really… I mean, really good."

As John relaxes his gaze into Rodney's eyes, his expression is so vulnerable and so in love. "Is this what you were talking about?" John asks, "When you said that I could have had you anytime? When you said I made you feel like you belonged to me?"

Rodney caressing his fingers through John's hair, unsure of how to answer. He pauses and nods.

"I'm sorry." John looks solemn now, "I didn't know anything then. I would never be with like that again, I promise. If we ever did… I would make sure you felt how much I love you. I would make you felt safe. I would make you mine in a different way. I love you so much, Mere.

"Shhh." Rodney kisses away John's concern, "Come on, it wasn't bad. The only thing I didn't like was the part where you left. So, just don't leave me this time."

"I will never leave you Rodney." John takes Rodney's face in his hands and kisses him reverently.

Closing his eyes, Rodney lets John worship his face. Everything feels so perfect. Even though it is only late afternoon Rodney feels like he wants nothing more than to stay curled up with John like this drift into sleep. John seems to agree with him as he pulls himself closer into Rodney and rests his head onto the crook of Rodney's chest.

Usually their roles are reversed but Rodney likes this. He likes John being submissive. Rodney flushes again thinking of how he has taken John, proud that he made John feel like he belonged to him. He runs his fingers through John's hair, down his neck and back until he feels himself drifting into unconsciousness. His chest hums with the satisfaction of knowing he can do things to John and get him off in ways that no one else can.

'He belongs to me now. He's mine.'

.  
.


	111. I knew you wanted to take a bath with me

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.

Stirring from his nap, Rodney wakes to the sensation of being tangled up in John, feeling kisses on the back of his neck and strong hands running across his chest. He smiles and opens his eyes slowly. The sun is starting to dim and his stomach growls. John turns his face, finding his mouth and kissing him languidly.

Deliriously happy, a rush of butterfly tingles run through his body, Rodney reaches his hands up into John's hair as he kisses him back hard. A sudden possessive passion overtakes him and he flips John onto his back, Rodney hears him gasp in delight. John's long eyelashes flit a few times before opening again. He looks up with Rodney with an expression of complete surrender.

He takes those full, pouty lips that belong to him now. God the man is so fucking beautiful

John gives into the kiss and moans as Rodney's tongue makes its way deep inside. He can't get enough of this. There will never be enough to make up for all those years dreaming and longing.

Rodney runs his finger through John's hair and clenches his fists into it, "I've waited so long to have you, I can't believe you're really here in my bed."

"Uh," John's eyes smile up at him in amusement, free from any shame, "If you moved us in together, isn't it ourbed, now?"

"Mmm..." Rodney kisses his feverishly, "Mmm. True, I bought it for you anyway."

As he bites John's lower lip, Rodney exhales with desire. "I bought it so you would come spend the night... Mmm... In my big..."

He pulls John's head back into the pillow as he takes his mouth, then he murmurs with his lips against John's full mouth "Mmm... bed."

"Really?" John asks flirtatiously.

"I really did." Rodney confesses, "That was the reason I got it."

John laughs. "Then why didn't you ever invite me back?"

" I thought you wouldn't... You got so distant again." Rodney gives him a teasing look, "If I'd asked you, would you have come?"

"Well, maybe not..." John brushes his fingers through Rodney's hair, "I was trying to let you and Jennifer-"

Rodney waves his hand dismissively "Hmm-Mmm. Bad call. What about the bath?" He traces his fingers around John's unguarded eyes, "I bet you really did want to take a bath with me."

"Of course I did." John smiles a little guiltily.

Sitting up on John's waist, Rodney pulls him up and John wraps his arms around Rodney. "Mere. You're so good in bed. How do you... do that?" He bends his head into Rodney's neck gives a soft bite, "I want to know. You have to tell me all your secrets."

"My secrets?" Rodney gives a small laugh, "I thought you knew all my secrets."

"Hmm-Mmm. The things you know how to do to me..." John grips his fingers into the back of Rodney's hair and pulls his head back, taking him in a deep open-mouthed kiss.

"Umph." Rodney falls back into the bed with underneath John and lets John seduces him with his tongue. He yields as John thrusts softly in and out of his mouth, moaning as he thinks about John's cock inside him. Not yet, but soon...

"So, beautiful, Mere." John's fingers trace his cheekbone and jawline.

He feels John's cock getting hard again, rubbing against him. Rodney runs his hands over John's body. "Then you should take a bath with me."

"Guess I could use a bath." John smirks.

"See, I always knew you wanted to."

"Did not." John rubs his chin affectionately against Rodney's face.

They finally pull themselves away from each other and Rodney fills the giant tub with warm water. But John gets tired of waiting and pulls Rodney back in an embrace.

Rodney notices that when he touches John in even the slightest way, John seems to tremble giving into whatever motion Rodney suggests. It is thrilling to have so power to make John feel. He pulls on John's hands and guides him into the bathtub with him.

John sinks into the deep tub, joining Rodney, "Oh. This is nice... I've really been missing out."

"You really have been." Rodney smacks the surface of the water sending a spray across John's face.

"Hey! Is this really proper bathtub etiquette?"

Shrugging, Rodney turns to grab a washcloth from the edge. Suddenly his head is being submerged underwater. Rodney gasps as he comes back up for air, "Okay. Now you're going to get it."

"I'm going to get it?" John taunts him. "Uh-oh. I'm scared."

The playfullness falls away and John's expression becomes submissive as Rodney glides through the water. Rodney uses his newfound power to push John's head underwater.

When John comes back up for air, there are droplets of water hanging from his spiked lashes. And the look on in his green eyes is one of solemn adulation. Rodney can't resist his handsome face and straddles John, wrapping his legs around him.

"Okay," He tells him, "we're even." then he takes John's lips tenderly in his.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

John lets his body float in the warm water, lets Rodney hold him as they move in a gentle sway. Grinding slowly, they kiss with their legs wrapped around each other, with the thrill of their erections rubbing against each other.

Everything is soft and wonderful, as he moves his mouth across Rodney's neck licking up to the ear; the wonderful sensation of the water sliding across the skin and makes everything feel pure and clean.

Rodney's delicious lips are always there waiting for his, pulling him in more deeply into the spell. He is sucking lightly on John's lower lips and mussing his hands though John's wet hair.

Every breath John takes is lightheaded, filled with flutters of ecstasy. A reminder of how deeply Rodney has just taken him. And he already wants more, he wants Rodney to possesses him over and over. It is all that matters now. The universe can save itself from now on; he has his love and won't let anything take Rodney from him again.

"Aaaahhh." John moans as Rodney curls his hand around his cock. Not just his cock, but he has both of them pressed together, pulsing under Rodney's firm grasp. He is pulling them, thrusting his hand up and down, catching slightly just under the head to create a more intense sensation.

Oh God, where did Rodney learn to do these things? Why did he fight this for so long? Why did he try to fight what Rodney makes him feel? It is so much better than he could have ever imagined.

Too many useless years spent waiting and longing, blaming himself and feeling unworthy. Rodney has taken it all and made it safe and forgiven. John's penance is finally at an end. All he has left belongs to Rodney now.

Rodney wraps his legs tighter around John, his cock harder into John's. His eyes are glazed in desire as if he is staring right into John's soul. John gasps as Rodney pulls the pleasure from deep in his loins.

The pace of Rodney's hand quickens, gripping their cocks tighter. He stares into Johns eyes, "Give me everything. And I want all of you. Give it to me."

And John loses control, "Oh God, How can... Oh, Mere, Mere. OH, OH! God. RODNEY!"

Rodney's body is shaking with him, he bites into John's shoulder to stifle a scream as he cums, "Mmmph! Mmm.. mmm..."

They stay wrapped around each other and Rodney lifts his face to slowly kiss up John's neck and finds his lips again.

"I love you, Mere." Johns breathlessly exhales, "You couldn't possibly know how much I love-"

Mmm... Hmm-Mmm... I've always loved you more."

"No. Never." John trails his fingers over Rodney's cheekbone, "You could never love me as much."

"Everything is competition with you isn't it?" Rodney says laughing happily in John's arms.

"I win." John proclaims, grabbing Rodney and kissing possessively.

When they finally make their way out of the tub clean and dry. John makes the bed with fresh sheets and they both lay back in each other arms, dizzy and sated.

"You know," John strays his fingers through Rodney's hair, I'm kind of hungry after all that."

"The kitchen..." Rodney groans, "so far away..."

"The risk could be worth the reward."

"All right," Rodney leans up onto John's chest, "you take point."

John gives a deep laugh.

"What?"

"It's just so funny when you try to do military talk."

Expecting a light smack of annoyance from Rodney, he gets a soft kiss instead.

Drowning in the intoxication of this deep love. John is besotted, he is lost. He thought he knew what is was to love Rodney, but the pull from his heart deepens and aches; it grows stronger with each pulse. His arms tighten around Rodney, "Mere."

Rodney makes a happy noise. Rodney always knows what John means when he says his name.

"I never knew it could be this good, either. I had no idea," Rodney looks up at him with astonishment in his eyes. "I meant usually in the beginning it's-" Rodney suddenly looks embarrassed and looks away."

It's what?"

"I mean," Rodney looks up shyly, "usually it takes a little a few times before things get so... Well, I've never had things feel that great the first time. Or ever."

"Whatever you say, Kirk."

Rodney gives John a light smack on the arm.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

It is late but Ronon decides to take one more lap around the grounds complex before bed. It's sickening how much he has missed Jennifer so much while he was gone. From the moment he got back in the Jumper he had carried her to his room, he'd declaring his undying love for her, making love to her for hours.

She had confessed that she loved him too, that she had just been waiting for him to say it first. Ronon thinks he probably first fell for her that day they were quarantined in the infirmary.

After spending a month apart, Ronon feels sure he never wants to be away from her again. Even though they've been fucking every chance they get, he doesn't like the fact that she won't be coming by his quarters tonight. She had some sort of 'girls night' planned with Vala and Teyla.

The two of them had had some mind-blowing sex earlier this afternoon, so it's not even that he misses that so much… just her company, her presence, sleeping in the same bed together... If he is going to get to try to sleep without her, he needs some intense physical exercise to wear him out. Maybe it's too soon, but he knows what he wants, so he's going to ask. Tomorrow, he decides, he'll ask her if she'll move in with him tomorrow.

After another couple miles, Ronon rests, leaning over with hands on his knees. He catches his breath feeling excited about his plan. Exhaling deeply, he looks up at the bright open widows of the kitchen cafeteria. He blinks in surprise, not expecting to see John or Rodney there at this hour.

John has something in his hand that he is trying to keep away from Rodney with his long arms. Rodney steps forward, his eyes set in a sultry look of determination. Ronon sees his lips move, but has not way to know what he is saying.

Rodney's body still looks a bit slight, but more solid and strong, definitely confident. He places his hand on John's chest; John immediately melts, trembling as if Rodney has shocked him with some kind of pulse.

Slumping against the counter, John looks at Rodney in surrender; Ronon can see John's chest rise and fall quickly. He hands Rodney the disputed item, but Rodney sets it down with eyes still locked on John, his hand still on his chest. John's expression is hungry, waiting... and then Rodney gives him what he wants, he reaches up to the nape of John's neck and pulls him into a powerful kiss.

If possible, John's body goes even more limp; he folds his long arms around Rodney, kissing deeply. John places his hands on Rodney's face as his tongue thrusts deep inside the eager mouth. It looks like they are burning with passion, almost wrestling with each other as their mouths seek satisfaction. Rodney's hand reaches up to squeeze John ass in a familiar way.

Whoa. Guess he hasn't been the only one who has been making up for lost time. It's obvious that the two of them have taken their relationship to the next level. Feeling happy for them, Ronon smiles that after all these years they are finally together the way they were meant to be. He straightens up on the dark path that winds its way around the tall buildings and jogs back inside thinking about how will present his proposal to Jennifer.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

When Rodney wakes up the next morning John is wrapped around him again, spooning him from behind. His head nestles in the small of Rodney's back, giving him slow kisses from his shoulder blades up his neck.

It's early and Rodney is still tired even though there were no nightmares to interrupt his sleep but he can't imagine a more perfect way to wake up. He turns around to wrap his arms and legs around John, to pull him in close.

His sleepy eyes blink up at John's face and see the most intense look of love anyone has ever given him. Rodney heart drops through his chest and he still can't believe any of this is real. How is John in his bed... naked and looking at him like that?

Yesterday... Rodney's heart flip-flops again remembering the way it felt when he came in John's ass.

"You're pretty cute when you're sleepy" John tells him.

"Oh my God, how am I supposed to get up and have normal day when you are looking at me like that?

"Like what?"

Rodney's eyes relax into the spools of green in John's eyes, lost in the bliss of the moment.

"Oh" John softly exhales, "Like that?

He reaches over deliberately, and tenderly kisses Rodney on the lips, "Just focus on the exciting briefing with Woolsey this morning."

"Can't wait."

John looks smitten and palms Rodney's face. "I can't wait for tonight."

"Why?" Rodney looks at him flirtatiously "Were you thinking more sex stuff was going to happen?"

"Oh no" John tightens his arms around Rodney's chest and pulls him around playfully on the bed, "I would never presume. I mean you'll be in your quarters... I'll be in mine... Maybe at some point we'll say goodnight. I was looking forward to that. A nice chat before bed."

Rodney chest is warm, filled with love and spilling laughter as John flips him onto his back. He throws his arms around John's neck and pulls him down for more.

After an intoxicating hour spent in bed, John heads to his room to get ready for the day. Rodney stays in his room a little longer, taking his time so that John's entrance to the cafeteria will be well in advance of his own.

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	112. That a Ferris Wheel in the background?

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John takes in Woolsey's grim smile as he begins briefing the senior staff seated around the large mahogany table.

"Right." Woolsey taps a file in his hand, "Looks like Atlantis is finally getting back to business. I want to run through these reports quickly."

He turns to John, "First order of business, Sheppard I want you to pick out the new members of your team as soon as soon as possible. I assume you've had plenty of time to think it over."

"Well, I..." John frowns in confusion, "members?"

"Yes, Teyla has requested being taken off active duty, except for special missions."

"Uh... Members?"

"Well, in case you hadn't notice we do have two new members from SGC with us now." Woolsey gestures to Daniel and Vala

"Really?", Rodney nods sarcastically at Daniel. "Does it have to be him?"

Daniel makes a face at Rodney, "You do realize, that I'm the one who discovered Atlantis in the first place. Oh yeah, and I have more experience with Ancient technology than in anyone this room. Wait, come to think of it, I'm also the one who discovered the Stargate system, so if it wasn't for me, this whole program wouldn't exist."

"Yes-yes-yes. Daniel," Rodney rolls his eyes, "we all know the story of what a brilliant archeologist you. Only you could decipher the true meaning of the hieroglyphs and make the Stargate operational. Yawn."

"Well," Daniel shrugs, "if you're going to draw up a list... I'm a whiz at linguistics and-"

"He's also not that bad at sex." Vala offers.

Daniel glares at her.

"Well," Vala says brightly, "if he's going, then sign me up, I could never leave my Daniel, not after all we're been though together, it's a bond that can't even be put onto words..."

"I can think of a few." Daniel says sourly.

She pushes on, "So, let's see, if I were to draw up a list of my talents...Smooth talking wheeling-dealing-

"Thief." Daniel mumbles.

"All around asskicker, gunslinger... pick your baddie and I'm your go to girl. Oh, did I also happen to mention I was once host to a Gao'uld symbiote and have access to a wealth of Ancient and Gao'uld knowledge? Honestly, I can't think how you could afford not to have me on your team, I can most their jobs," Vala points around the room, "and then some."

"I'd like to see your calculations on the new wormhole drive" Rodney snorts.

"Well, most." Vala concedes

"A regular girl Friday, then." Rodney quips.

"I thought we had a moratorium of all cultural references I wouldn't understand." Vala pouts.

"So," Woolsey interjects, "pick your team, John. Obviously, you know my recommendation but if you prefer to keep using Lorne, that's fine too."

"Goody, I can't wait" Vala flashes a huge grin.

John frowns at her but can't completely hide the amusement in his eyes.

"Rodney," Woolsey turns to the next item on his agenda, "how is work going on the new wormhole prototype drive?"

"Ah, theoretically it works, obviously, it got us here. The challenge being, the enormous power requirements that would be needed to keep it functional. We simply don't have our hands on an unlimited number of ZPM's. That's why I'm using some of the data from the 'alternate' Daedalus to try to tap into Zero Point energy in subspace."

John turns disapprovingly to Rodney, "Have you forgotten what happened with the last drive you created on the Daedalus?"

"That was an alternate… me." Rodney scoffs, "Obviously, brilliant but a first prototype is bound to have some glitches."

John gives Rodney a dubious shake of the head, "Glitches, I'd say it was more than-?"

Woolsey interrupts and redirects to Rodney, "But you've theorized that this could make it possible for our Daedalus class ships to travel instantaneously to any point in space without the need to send smaller teams and vessels through a Stargate?"

Rodney gives John a quick sidelong glance, "Theoretically."

"Well," Woolsey huffs, "That would give us an enormous advantage. Keep working on it. And I'll assign you extra personal to help with the Zero point energy containment. If we can tap into that kind of power, it would solve a lot of our funding issues."

Woolsey grumbles, "Since the recent financial meltdown in the global markets we are working on shoestring budget. The cloak for Atlantis can't be maintained indefinitely. And it's not like we're going to find another ZMP anytime soon."

"Is this why off-world missions have been suspended?" Ronon asks.

"Temporarily." Woolsey shuffles his briefing notes without looking up, "That and having a Pegasus gate on Earth subordinates the gate at Cheyanne mountain. The IOA wants to move our base of operations to Atlantis, we just need to work out the the funding issues"

Daniel starts to speak but Woolsey raises a finger and continues, "Which is why, the IOA has been contracted to cooperate with our new corporate partners. We allow them to benefit from the R&D of certain discoveries and they allow us to have the kind of budget we need to keep afloat, no pun intended."

"Doesn't this pose an ethical problem?" Daniel looks concerned.

"How so?" Woolsey looks bored.

"Well, the discoveries we're making, really they belong to humankind. By placing them in private or corporate hands, aren't we are selling them off to the highest bidder?"

"The intellectual property still belongs to the international committee, however the rights to research and commercially developed technologies on a small scale are being 'sold' as it were." Woolsey answers.

"This feels wrong to me," Daniel frowns, "I don't think we should be doing this."

Woolsey sighs absently, "Your personal feelings aside, our military, let alone any other government agency abroad, is simply not able to bear the cost structure of running such a program. When you come up with 20 billion and change each year, then I'll be more interested to take your feelings into account. Until then we're not going back to Pegasus. Now that we've lost the one at Area 51, Earth needs the chair here for defense and we simply can't afford to maintain a presence in Pegasus anymore."

Ronon objects, "But the Wraith are still-"

"Gone for the most part, was my understanding." Woolsey interrupts, "They are a minor threat at most now."

"To you maybe." Ronon growls.

"Well, Daniel adds, "Pegasus is the key to uncovering the older remnants of the Lantian Empire. There may be still be many answers there about our own origins that we haven't uncovered."

"Nothing I doubt that would affect Earth defense and security, which for now, will be our main directive. Collection of weapons and technologies that might facilitate that are our focus, not missions of whimsy and exploration." Woolsey gives Daniel a dismissive look before continuing.

"We will be strengthening our strategic alliances in the Milky Way and searching for new sources of Naqueda, and if possible Naquadria. Teams will be directed to cataloguing the wealth of information on Atlantis itself, the surface of which we have only begun to scratch."

Daniel objects, "But can't you see that sometimes the only way to find new information and technology is to venture into uncharted water? Our fundamental mission has always been exploration."

"I thought we covered this already." Woolsey sighs, looking down at his agenda. "Yes, it's right here. Update on Rodney's research, then briefing on new mission directives."

"Unless..." Rodney looks pensive.

"Unless?" Daniel prods.

"Unless I find a way to use the PUD without creating exotic particles."

"Rodney." John chides.

"What?"

"You're naming things again."

Rodney ignores him, "I have the data from the 'alternate' Daedalus and I'm sure I can find a way to minimize the risk. They just lost control of the navigation."

"Navigation's pretty important, Rodney" John winces.

"But think about it, it's not just about the about the freedom to travel without a Stargate we're talking about here. We could collect ZPM from alternate realities. We already know where a lot of them are."

John frowns thinking of the previous disasters related to trying to harness energy from subspace. Then he has darker thought, "You're not talking about the Replicators in another universe are you? Ours were bad enough."

"I'm simply offering an avenue that may be open to exploration." Rodney replies.

Woolsey taps his finger on his agenda and turns to Jennifer and Carson, "And how is your research with Todd going?"

Jennifer gushes "It's amazing actually. He has completely recovered from the carcinogenetic diseases that were taxing his body. Once an Iratus queen fed on him and restored him to life, he regained his regenerative abilities, but he digestive tract is still completely functional. Carson and I believe that he could be the key for the retrovirus to allow Wraith transform the successfully."

"How exactly?" Woolsey narrows his eyes.

"Well, Jennifer explains, "the effect the Iratis Queen had on him is very similar chemically to the enzyme Michael created to keep Carson's system from shutting down. They both repair cellular damage on an unprecedented scale.

"Aye," Carson interjects, "We've been comparing samples and, well, we think with some more research it could be possible to treat the Wraith, to transform them permanently the way Todd has been transformed. They would never need to feed on humans again and we wouldn't be asking them to give up the evolutionary abilities of their immune systems."

Some of the excitement fades from Carson's face, "Though I fail to see how any of this will matter if we can't go back to Pegasus."

"For now, you have the go ahead to continue the retrovirus research." Woolsey folds his briefing booklet and clears his throat, "Effective immediately, SGA will comprise the primary base for Earth defense. Colonel's Carter, and Mitchell will continue leading SG1 at Cheyenne Mountain."

"Working on what?" Rodney asks.

Woolsey is tightlipped, "That's classified... Beckett and Keller, keep me apprised of your work on the retrovirus. Rodney, you to report back to me about any new developments with the wormhole drive and, ah, the PUD.

Sheppard, the SGC will to continue sending additional personnel. You will be supervising the teams as we comb the city for more Ancient technology. Atlantis is officially active, back to off-world status on a limited basis. You will be in charge of which teams will be going off-world. I'll let you know when the IOA sets its first target planet."

"Target planet?" Daniel sounds hesitant.

Teyla speaks up. "Mr. Woolsey. Has there been any decision about the fate of my people? Although we are very grateful to be allowed to continue to stay in the city of the Ancestors-

"Appropriate relocation sites are being discussed." Woolsey's tone is cool, "I will inform you when a decision has been reached. But you should know that the IOA feels it best to devote the entirely of Atlantis to a military operation, it will not a suitable place for families to reside long term."

"Are you talking about sending them off world?" John's eyes get dark, "Because the Athosians have been great friends and allies to us, surely we can make room for a few thousand, in a city this size?"

Woolsey shakes his head, "There are security matters that I am not at liberty to discuss, but I think staying in Atlantis will be out of the question."

"Well, then surely, somewhere else on Earth..." John gapes.

"This is not really the time Colonel" Woolsey stands up, "That's all for now."

Rodney calls after Woolsey heads to the door, "What are they refugees or prisoners?"

Woolsey doesn't bother to answer.

Ronon levels his eyes at John, looking stormy. John know how he feels, this is unacceptable.

"So, did I get the job?" Vala pipes up cheerfully.

John sighs. "What say you, Jackson?"

"She... can be useful at times." Daniel says with a weary expression.

"Okay, then." John nods at her.

Vala's face lights up she lifts her shoulders happily and looks to Daniel in barely contained excitement.

"What are we gonna do?" Ronon leans forward.

"We're gonna do something, believe me." John presses his lips together.

Seeing Teyla's apprehensive frown, and John reaches across the table to take her hand, "Teyla, listen to me. You and the Athosians will be taken care of, I will see to it personally. You know when I set my mind to something, nothing gets in my way."

"That is true, John." Teyla's face melts into a smile, "You have never let any of us down."

John closes his eyes for a moment, "I think I have a plan. We don't need Woolsey for this. If he isn't going to let the Athosians stay, then might I know where they can go."

"Where?" Ronon asks first.

"Not far from here." John licks his lips, "I have some land... about 45 minutes South of San Francisco. Actually, a lot of land. Enough to build a village, plant crops, there's a river, some forested areas, I mean, the only thing it doesn't have is much wild game to hunt..."

"That sounds wonderful, do think they will let us leave?" Teyla asks.

"I'll make sure they will." John's face is stern, "I've got a guy on the inside."

"Dave." Ronon nods.

"Yeah. And then we'll see what we can do about Pegasus. Once Jennifer and Carson come up with a serum, I'll want to make sure we can put it to use."

Ronon grunts his approval and sits back in his chair.

"Right," John blinks and stands up abruptly, "I've got a call to make."

He heads back to quarters and finds his cell phone. Dave is more than receptive to the idea; in fact he adds a wrinkle that John would never have considered. They could carve out a section of the ranch and deed it to the Athosians, making it tribal land and giving the Athosians protected status as indigenous people. That way they will be largely free from government interference, be able to make their own laws, and live the kind of lifestyle they are accustomed to. Kind of like the ultimate witness location program. Dave seems to believe it will be an easy thing for him to accomplish.

Since Dave has been staying at the ranch, he has access to the home office in the main house that contains all the land parcel information and survey maps. He tells John he will scan copies and send them right away. All John has to do is decide how to divide up the land.

"Thanks Dave," John feels a rush of gratitude for his brother.

"Hey, no problem. I can do this in my sleep. I'm sending them now, call me back once you get the copies."

John runs down to Woolsey's office with a spring in his step. By the time he gets there, Woolsey is already standing over his printer, holding some pages in hand with a confused expression.

"Ah, those would be mine." John explains.

"This is a secure line." Woolsey looks alarmed, "How did-"

"It's IOA, don't worry. Only, these ones are for me." John walks over the printer and collects the pages that are still falling into the tray. It looks like some of the originals were too big and they are broken up into sections on different pages.

It's okay he can piece it back together. The copier spits out a final page and John adds it to the small stack on his arm. He holds his other hand out to Woolsey, "Would you mind if I?..."

Looking mildly annoyed, Woolsey hold out the additional pages to John, "By all means."

"Thanks." John makes a dash for the door before he has to explain himself.

Now where to find something as simple as tape in a place like this? Woolsey probably had some in his office but he isn't going back there. He can't think of a single time he has seen anyone in Atlantis using tape... except, well there's medical tape. That should work. John sprints to the infirmary and gets a huge spool of it from Carson before he returns to his quarters.

Unlike Rodney's overstuffed room, John's is Spartan and nearly empty. The only thing on the walls is the Johnny Cash poster above his bed. He eyes the large expanse of empty wall space opposite the balcony.

The added sunlight from the paned doors makes it perfect. He calls Dave back to thank him again while he spreads the pages out on the floor, looking for the right order before taping them up onto the wall.

When he stomach starts to growl John realizes he has been penciling on the maps for hours. He grabs a late lunch and rushes back to finish his puzzle. He feels like he almost has it right. John picks up his pencil again and erases a mark... more crop land and more river access... if he uses the dirt road as an entry point, the main village could go somewhere along... John sketches out some designs for the town on some empty pages.

He knows this part is superfluous but he has always enjoyed the clean lines of architectural renderings. Who knows, maybe in another life he would have been an architect? On some fresh sheets of paper, he plots out varies public buildings and structures that would be needed, along with some creative ideas for residential areas. He feels like one of those planners from the Victorian era; back when they literally did this kind of thing, design a town from the ground up.

Noticing that the light is starting to fail, John steps back and eyes his handiwork with satisfaction. He can't think of a better way to put the land to use. Really, he should get some dinner, probably he has missed most of the good stuff, but he can always get the basic necessities.

John's head turns to the sound of Rodney's door opening in the other room. The access panel between them is open and Rodney walks in holding a tray of food. He blinks at the drawing all over the wall, "Wow. You've been busy. Hungry?"

"Starving, thanks." John smiles as he takes the tray and sits down at the desk. Rodney knows just what he would have chosen to eat. Guess if he's been secretly in love with John all those years while they were having dinner together he's picked up on a few things.

"This is the... ranch?"

"Mmm-hmm." John mumbles with a mouthful.

"More like a nature preserve, this is huge."

"Do see the section I carved out?" John points at the wall, "About half of the land. Think it's big enough?"

"Ah, yeah..." Rodney lifts his brows, "For a thriving medieval fiefdom and then some."

"Dave's going make sure it goes through, not only that, we're going to give them independant status." John tells him proudly.

"Okay"

"Yeah." John pauses thinking Rodney doesn't seem sufficiently impressed by this, "You realize what that means, right? They would have autonomous rights, as a nation. No one could fuck with them, imprison them for security reasons."

"Nice." Rodney nods in sudden appreciation, "Good idea."

"It was Dave's actually. But, hey I'm contributing the land and various architectural suggestions."

Rodney smiles and turns back to look at the drawing, "These are really quite good. I love the look of the town; it's got a little bit of everything. Some Victorian, some Tudor, Mid-Century designs in the plazas, the City Hall looks... is that Beaux Arts?"

"You know architecture?" John swallows his food in surprise.

"Well, just some basics. I appreciate the aesthetics... I like how you make it all fit together, the design is... it's really good. Wait, is that a Ferris wheel in the background?"

"Mmm." John chews another bite and swallows, "For the kids, you know."

"You're a kid." Rodney turns and looks at John playfully; "I mean look at you, in here all day, building your little town. It's... very cute."

"Oh, good." John quips, "That's what I was going for."

.  
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	113. Do what you did to me before, please

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After John has finished eating he joins Rodney to examine his handiwork, "You really like 'em?"

"Yeah. I'm totally impressed." Rodney lifts his hand up to John's chest and lets his fingers slowly trail down. John shudders with pleasure. He can't believe how the slightest touch from Rodney affects him.

"Maybe we should have that 'chat'?" Rodney asks seductively.

"Actually," John hesitates, "maybe we should have a chat... I mean, before any, ah, sex stuff."

Rodney looks puzzled as John pulls him by the arm, "Come on, let's lay down on that big bed you bought for me."

Following John to the luxurious mattress in the other room, Rodney lies down, propping his head up with his elbow, "Well…?"

"Well, I was just wondering..." John lays down with his body close up against Rodney, "I just want to make sure I know what's okay with you and what's not..."

"You mean with sex stuff?"

"Yeah. Last night I didn't move my hands or anything." John shrugs nervously, "Does that make it feel safe?"

"Mmm..." Rodney tilts his head as if he is thinking, "I mean, when you suggested it, I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time… since it was so new... but I'm okay with you touching me. No, I want you to touch me. I love the way your hands feel on my skin."

"I just want to do things right and I feel like I'm a little out of my depth." John admits.

"I mean, last night..." John gushes, "I've never felt anything like that before, not even close. You know, my experience with guys in the past was kinda limited, I just want to make you feel as good as you make me feel. And the last thing I ever want is to make you feel anything bad, so-."

"Oh. Believe me." Rodney snakes his fingers across John's chest, "You make me feel good." With a curious expression Rodney asks, "Just what... sex stuff have you done before, exactly? With guys, I mean."

"Ah." John smiles in embarrassment, "Well... Before you, I've, well," He clears his throat, "Exactly? I've had my cock in another guys ass a few times. Yeah. That, and some hand jobs. Soooo, uh, I'm wondering what else I need to know, like… what do you like?"

"Your kissing is good, amazing actually." Rodney leans forward and kisses him on the lips, "Everything with you feels good. It's not just about any one specific thing, touching anywhere can be erotic."

"McKay" John gives him the kind of exasperated look is apt to throw Rodney's way on a mission, "I was kinda hoping you might help out me out by being a little more specific.

"Oh, oh. It's McKay now is it?" Rodney grins and squeezes John's ass.

John had been hoping Rodney would launch into a long winded explanation, the kind he likes to give about technological applications. Something, anything that would leave John feeling a little less clueless or worried about hurting Rodney in some way.

John gives him his stern team leader look, "Yeah, I'm asking to brief me on the mission McKay. I need good intel."

Rodney pushes himself up and covers his smirk with his hand as if he is trying not to laugh. But when he looks back over to John and sees his brows still raised expectantly waiting for a serious answer, Rodney nods and lays back down snuggles up next to him.

"Okay, Sheppard. You want to talk about sex like we're on duty?" His eyes sparkle humorously at John, "So what haven't we covered? Um, blowjobs are good obviously. Except-" Rodney's brow furrows, "after what happened… I need some before I think I could try to give one."

Continuing quickly Rodney adds, "Blowjobs are pretty much the only thing I can't do right now, that and bottoming obviously. I'm just worried I might have a full-blown panic if I try to push it, but anything else is good. I wish I could do everything. I want to so badly... you know, I'm crazy for you."

"No," John threads his fingers through Rodney's, "we take it slow. I never want to hurt you, I only want to make you feel good. That's why I need to know."

"I know." Rodney smiles, reaching up and cupping John's face, "But you don't have to be careful. I'll let you know if I get scared."

"Okay..." John gazes at Rodney with love, "I just have another question."

"Yeah?"

"What's 'bottoming'?"

Rodney leans back and laughs hard, "Ah. That would be... the person bottoming, is the one receiving or taking-."

"Got it." John interjects, "So... is this usually an exclusive thing where one person generally-?"

"No." Rodney shakes his head in mirth, "Not for me at least."

Thinking about it, John feels foolish for asking, "Yeah, obviously. You've done both 'cause you're so good at..."

"Topping?" Rodney finishes his thought; "Sorry. Is this getting too gay for you, Colonel?"

Chuckling, John tells him "I think we're well past that point. I'm past it anyway. Really, I'm just trying to keep up... I mean, how the hell did you get so good at all this... sex stuff? Just, you said you haven't been with a ton of people but you seem so experienced."

"Well, I am a genius." Rodney lifts his brows.

John makes a face and Rodney answers him seriously.

"Well, you know, if I'm going to do something, I want to do it better than everyone else. So when I realized I was attracted to men in college, I did my research. I like to know what I'm doing and I like to be good at it. And just because I haven't had a ton of lovers doesn't mean I didn't get a lot of practice in."

"Research?" John bites his lip in amusement.

"Yeah, like books. And then they invented the internet, so..."

"Books." John wonders how someone could extrapolate the information from a printed page. Maybe there are pictures. "Well, I guess it worked, cause you're- You know, I'm surprised you're not bragging about it, you brag about everything else you're good at."

"What, that I'm an expert at gay sex? Right, 'cause that's one for the resume" Rodney runs his fingers affectionately through John's hair, "Anyway you just think that I'm great 'cause you don't know better."

"Mere." John levels his gaze, "We both know you're dynamite in the sack, so don't bother trying to act humble –it doesn't suit you."

"Yeah, well..." Rodney smiles seductively, "If you thought yesterday was good, you'd should know it only gets better. It always hurts a bit the first time but after that, if you do it right, the body starts to experience new levels of pleasure."

"It gets better?" John is incredulous.

"That's how it was for me..." Rodney nods, "And I'm going to make sure it's even more amazing for you."

A rush of butterflies run from John's groin and up through his chest, "Oh. Okay. So if we're going to be doing more of this..." John's lashes flutter with slight embarrassment, "If I'm 'bottoming', what else should I know, to make it good for you?"

"Oh, it's pretty fucking good for me." Rodney looks thoroughly amused. "Don't worry about that."

A warm flush of love burns in John's chest, he takes Rodney's chin and tilts it to his mouth, kissing him slowly and deeply. The way they kiss, the dance, the give and take -it feels so perfect. One moment he is dominating Rodney and the next he is being dominated. It is so seamless and natural. He can't imagine anyone else ever being able to make him feel this way.

Only Rodney could make him want to give up his control. And he loves how it feels surrendering to Rodney, that light fluttery sensation... like his soul is being drawn through his chest and possessed utterly, taken and known.

He could literally feel his heart being held when Rodney took him last night... and now he never wants him to let go. He wants to say inside that feeling forever.

As they draw out of a deep kiss, John stays with Rodney's lips, sucking and kissing them sweetly.

"You are so amazing." Rodney sighs into his mouth.

Holding Rodney's face in his hands, John gaze at him with pure abandon, "I'm really lucky that you gave me another chance because I'm, I'm just so in love with you, it's sickening."

Rodney's body flutters and he moans, "No, I'm lucky, that you're finally in this bed with me where you belong."

He confesses, "Mere, I couldn't wait for tonight. All day I've lusting for you, waiting to have your cock inside me again...Waiting for your hands and mouth on me, to get you naked and hoping to run my hands over you, to feel you come so hard while you're deep inside me. God I just... want you so badly, I want-"

The thought is stopped by another passionate kiss from Rodney. Pressing a thumb into John lower lip, Rodney opens his mouth and leans in to explore with his tongue. John's chest feels like it is going to burst with happiness and anticipation. Rodney plays with John's lower lip, pulling it down, giving him his thumb to suck on. With his other hand, he rakes his fingers up John's neck and into his thick hair, grasping firmly and using the leverage to pull his head down. Then he takes John's mouth again and dominates him again with his tongue.

When he pulls back for breath Rodney tells him lustily, "I need you, I have to have you now."

Lightheaded, John answers, "You have me, completely, I belong to you, Mere."

Rodney's eyes go wide, "And I belong to you. I've never felt this way about anyone. Just you. Only You. There only ever will be you."

John rolls on top of Rodney. He pushes Rodney's shirt up and over his head, then leans down to erotic sensation of skin on skin. His face floats just above Rodney's wide-eyed look of anticipation, and he brushes his long nose against Rodney's Aquiline features.

"Would it be okay if I touched you and kissed you?" John whispers "I just want to take you in."

Looking excited, Rodney nods. John helps him out of the remaining items of clothes between then. Once they are bare and he is laying on top of Rodney, it feels like he can breathe, like he is complete, he has come home.

Dipping his mouth down, he tastes Rodney's lips again. His erection slides across Rodney's abdomen and makes contact with Rodney's hard cock. He can't be sure which of them is moaning so loudly. He trails his kisses across Rodney's cheekbone, and down the line of his jaw. Licking and nibbling behind Rodney's ear, he plays with his lobe.

He isn't sure if it feels as good as when Rodney does it to him. John cradles the side of Rodney's face possessively and works his way down Rodney's neck and across his collarbone. He lightly grips Rodney's solid bicep in his teeth. He loves how strong Rodney has gotten, how his skin started to fill out again.

"You're just so damn sexy." John husks as he leans over Rodney's chest. He licks the left nipple softly, letting his tongue graze over it. Rodney groans with pleasure and John pulls it into his mouth, sucking and teasing the tip with his tongue. He can feel Rodney's body squirming in delight as their cocks rub against each other.

Rodney gives a low moan as John softly holds the erect nipple in his teeth. John's cock swells with pride as he realizes how much Rodney is getting off on this. He takes his time, lavishing attention on Rodney's sensitive nipple, then taking it in his finger, his tongue drags across Rodney's chest until it finds the other nipple. He sucks and teases in his mouth until Rodney is frantic with desire.

Sighing with satisfaction, John kisses his way down Rodney stomach. He gives special attention to his favorite spots, the place just under the belly bottom, the hollow points under the hip bones... He breathes in the sweet muskiness.

The smell is like an aphrodisiac... He wants to try putting Rodney's cock in his mouth but he feels nervous that he'll be bad at it and it will be obvious that he doesn't know what he is doing. He should get some of those books, he doesn't want anyone on Atlantis to see any internet searches for gay sex from his user id.

Instead, John grips his hand around the thick cock. Staring at it in fascination, He thinks about their first times together, so many years ago. Even then, he had become so attracted to the feel of Rodney's skin, so attached to the sight of Rodney's cock swelling for him.

If only he had been brave enough then to touch Rodney and hold him the way he wanted to. Rodney deserved to be loved well, and often. He reaches for the lube and slicks some over his palms, sliding his hand down Rodney's shaft and up again.

"I love seeing you hard for me." John whispers.

Moving lower, John eases himself down the bed so he can kiss the smooth skin on Rodney's inner thighs. Suddenly an image of resurfaces. Bruises from cruel fingers running up the insides of Rodney's legs. John stills and holds his lips reverently on Rodney's leg. No one will ever be allowed to hurt him again.

He closes his eyes and concentrates on the movement of his hand on Rodney's cock, listening to tremble of his body, the sounds of the moans, learning everything he can about his lover. Adjusting his rhythm, he touches intuitively the way he would when flying. He will learn to fly Rodney, he will study his pleasure until he knows exactly how to drive him to a perfect climax.

Rodney sits up, his eyes heavy with lust, "I need you now, I want you-"

Sitting up, their lips smack together a little too hard with the force of excitement. They kiss frantically for a moment and then tear away. John lies down, giddy and flushing as he thinks about how wonderfully intense it had felt to have Rodney's cock deep inside him.

As Rodney lays down next him, he leans in to take John's mouth in his. Then he rocks his hand on John's hip, urging him to turn on his side. Rodney kisses his back and strokes his chest, then grabs the bottle of lube.

Spooning him, Rodney reaches around for John's cock and begins to play with it in that tantalizing slow build that John loves so much. He takes John's mouth and sucks lightly on his lower lip while pleasuring him. John moans into his mouth as the fluttery feeling uncoils up into his stomach.

He feels Rodney teasing him, ghosting his fingers over the sensitive area the tight pucker. John holds Rodney's lip with his teeth in anticipation as Rodney slicks himself with lube and pushes a finger into him. He relaxes and pushes down the way Rodney taught him.

"Baby, you're so hot." Rodney groans.

The finger slides across that spot that feels so good. Rodney milks it gently, not pulling out, but keeping it inside him. He rubs lightly pushing another finger inside to join the soft motion. John is so hard and so ready, he kisses Rodney impatiently, wanting more. Rodney slides a third finger in and stretches him while stimulating his prostate.

John's head falls back to the pillow, feeling the electrical currents already running through his body.

"God" Rodney sighs as he rocks his hand slightly, moving in and out a little bit, "I want to fuck you so bad."

"Do it, Rodney. Do what you did to me before...please."

Inhaling sharply, Rodney pulls his hand out, placing the head of his cock into John crack and angling his leg. He moves his slick fingers back to John's cock, pulsing and stroking.

Shivering with bliss, John bites his lip as he feels Rodney's cock pushing against his entrance. Rodney's lips brush against his shoulder, and John reaches up his arm behind him to touch Rodney's face. His fingers strokes the jawline, then spasms suddenly as Rodney breaches him.

It is intense, the sensation shocking but almost no pain this time. Rodney is holding still, letting him adjust before going further. John loses himself in the rhythm of Rodney's hand on his cock. John's fingers flutter again, still brushing against Rodney's face.

Oh. God. It feels so good. Too good. John starts to worry that he is going to cum too fast, but Rodney seems to sense just when to slow down. And then he pushes further inside him.

John gasps involuntarily, from the unexpected movement deeper inside him where he is still aches from yesterday. Rodney nuzzles his face into the back of John's neck and then pushes all the way in. John moans loudly and Rodney rewards him, kissing his neck while he milks his cock, whispering, "I love you."

Rodney's cock stays unmoving inside him, but it feels so intense. He feels completely possessed. Everything is shimmery and light, John feels a deep satisfaction from his loins. His body is pliant and ready to feel Rodney move inside him.

He feels Rodney's mouth close over his. Oh... the perfect bliss of kissing Rodney. He feels the pleasure everywhere, with his mouth, with his cock, and so far inside him. Rodney has control of everything and he is free falling.

He moans into Rodney's mouth as he feels a shallow thrust in his ass. He trusts Rodney completely, he knows just how to build up the excitement. He knows John better than he knows himself. The tiny thrusts are coming more often now, synchronized with Rodney's hand movements on his cock.

"Mmm... God..." John is delirious, "Mmm... Sooo good."

"I'll know it's good when you can't talk anymore." Rodney kisses him again and deepens his thrusts, moving steadily now, angling at the sweet spot in side him. It is a slow grinding motion. He doesn't pull out very far, but manages to make John feel the deep penetration while rubbing against the prostate.

Whimpering as the motion rocks him, John lets himself be carried away in the current of ecstasy. Thoughts empty from his mind; nothing but incoherent gasps and moans escape his lips.

Rodney is drawing it all out, pulling his soul out in slow dance. He surrenders into white bliss, uncoiling and spreading the tingling warmth through his body. Rodney is unraveling him and he coming undone.

His toes curl and John screams as his body spasms, shaking as Rodney keeps the deep rhythm and pulse going. A wave of cum gushes from his cock... Oh God, he is still cumming, he's-

"AHHHH Rodn! AHHHHH. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ooooooooh. Mmmmmmph." Rodney's hand milks him as he sprays a long gush of ejaculate.

He can feel Rodney swell inside him as he releases his hold on John's spent cock. He grinds and thrust a little deeper with his teeth caught on John's shoulder. He moans against John's skin as he climaxes.

"OOOOOHHHHH! OH! GOD! JOHN! John... Ooooooh. G-g—od." He begins to kiss John's neck ardently as he finishes his release. He whispers along the nape, "Nothing has ever felt as good as you do."

John's body flutters. Everything Rodney says or does radiates through him, amplified in intensity. Rodney cleans them both with a small cloth then spoons him, placing his hand protectively over John's chest.

It feels like he his holding John's heart. Blinking in the haze of the afterglow, John is at a loss for words, even now. Rodney continues to murmur sweet things while John lies limp with pleasure, allowing himself to float in the effervescent thrill.

Rodney wraps his arms snugly around John he revels in the thought, the reality that Rodney finally is his.

"I'm so fucking happy." John feels inarticulate but it's all he can manage to say.

He can feel Rodney's face smile against his shoulder blade, his skin vibrates with the low pitch of Rodney voice, "Mmm. Me too."

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	114. Translating all the meanings of 'Rodney'

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Rodney is expecting another dull mission, much like the last half dozen. He, John, Ronon, Vala, and Daniel head through the wormhole as backup support for a geologic survey mission.

Preliminary MALP reading picked up trace readings of Naquada and Woolsey has sent them to escort and two field geologists to an unexplored planet located on the fringe of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Sailes and Durham point the way through the dense foliage and Rodney finds himself smirking at the idea that he is the one providing firepower rather than pointing the way with some technological gadget.

Ronon and John stop up ahead and signal the group to wait. Vala bumps into Rodney as he holds still.

"What is is it?" she whispers

Rodney shakes his head, then he sees movement through the trees, there are people out there.

She sees them, "Horus guard.", she hisses, "I thought they were all gone. Why are they here?"

He shakes his head again. She knows more than he does about the Jaffa who served the Goa'uld before most of the system lords were eliminates. Most of the Jaffa are free now, no longer serving as warriors for the parasite life forms that enslaved them. Perhaps these guards never heard of the rebellion or chose to remain in service. Either way they are a threat.

John signals them to follow as he and Ronon keep a stealthy pace trailing the Jaffa guards. A mile or so later they some on a ridge as the suited Jaffa make their way to a temple-like structure.

"It looks almost Meso-American in design." Daniel gestures.

"Well, mystery solved." John looks disinterested, "It looks like we've found ourselves a Goa'uld outpost here. Probably best to call in a strike team to deal with this."

Daniel looks skeptically at Durham's readings, "I don't think we're looking at standard Naquada levels here... there's either a mine nearby... or this is... this is weird."

Pulling out one of his Ancient devices, Rodney takes his own readings. "It's possible that we may be looking at source of Naquadria here, these readings are through the roof, there's something down there generating an enormous amount of energy."

"It looks practically abandoned. I don't see any other guards beside those two." Vala offers.

"Pulling out his handy life sign detector, Rodney tells them, "We've got 6 life forms inside the structure."

"If there was a Gould present, there would be more Jaffa stationed here." Vala concludes.

Ronon lifts his head, "So, we outnumber them."

"They'll still see us coming -we'll be out in the open." John frowns, "I don't like it."

Pointing, Daniel tells them, "It looks like, if we make our way down to the other side, there is a more direct access point."

"We'll take a look." John nods, "Durham and Sailes, stay to the rear."

As they reach what actually looks to be the front of the temple entrance, Daniel exhales in excitement, "I don't think this place was built by the Gould, look at those markings, some of them are Ancient."

Durham steps forward to take readings. He moves out of their cover position and into the open space in front of the temple, "I think whatever it is we're-"

John cuts him off, "Durham, get your ass back here."

"No, it's just-" He cries out in pain suddenly, unable to move, "My leg! Ahhh! Something's stuck."

"Damnit" John mutters, "Hold on, we're coming to you."

Telling the rest of them to stay in position, John and Ronon attempt a rescue. They try to pull Durham free, while keeping clear the area that has taken hold of his leg.

"Oh, God. It's getting worse! It hurts! It really hurts! It's like it's pulling through my leg –AGHH!" Durham sinks to his knees while Ronon and John dig into the loose dirt with their heels.

"Too strong. Pulling him-" Ronon pants in frustration.

Rodney watches in horror as they loose their grip completely, falling backwards. Durham's body disappears into the ground, something red swirls around them in a maze like pattern.

As he hears as strange electric hum just behind him, Rodney keeps he feet frozen in place and looks back. The outer perimeter around the temple, just a few feet behind them is buzzing with some kind of current. A glowing light illuminates the activation of circular force field.

"Oh, great." Rodney mutters.

"Nobody move!" Daniel yells out the obvious, "There's some kind of a sink trap here."

Confirming his suspicions with the detector Rodney tells them, "There's an energy barrier that just went down around the perimeter. I'm reading gravity distortions all around us."

"Why is it red?!" Sailes gulps nervously, "What is the swirling stuff red? Is that Durham's blood?!"

Ronon keeps his gun glued to the temple entrance, "Why we the only ones here?"

Vala sounds glib, "Maybe they figure this thing with kill us, so why bother?"

"Rodney." John sounds tense.

He knows that tone. _Translation: 'Rodney come up with a plan now, please'._

"Okay, okay, okay." Rodney thinks, "Maybe I can find us a way through, there are pockets here... if we can get in, we might have a chance to turn this thing off." Rodney takes a trepidatious step forward, then another.

"Okay." Rodney calls to others behind him, "Follow me."

He looks over to John and Ronon, "We'll make our way to you."

Ronon growls acknowledgement and keeps his eyes locked on the structure in front of him.

It is a circuitous path, but Rodney winds then slowly in a maze, it a starts to take them around the other side of the structure where they had last seen the guards.

Daniel spots a shape in the sand at same time he does.

"Rings." Daniel points. "That must be the way in."

"Hold on." John stops them, "We need a plan. We should assume they know we're outside and will be waiting for us."

"So, we'll be ready for them." Ronon growls.

"I've actually been in this position before believe it or not..." Vala sounds excited, "They'll be shooting at short range with large staff weapons, terrible for precision. Right. Here's what we do. Trigger the rings and wait to get in the beaming path for the next shot down. They'll be thrown off long enough for us to take position on second go-round. Be ready to roll and shoot."

"Not bad." John gives her a bemused look, "Sailes do you think you can handle that?"

"What? I don't even understand what she said."

"Can you roll out of the way?" John asks patiently.

"Um, um yeah. I can do that." Sailes sounds uncertain.

Stepping around Rodney acrobatically with her long legs, Vala asks Rodney, "Is it safe to keep going straight?"

"Um, just let me see..." He stays close to Vala as she picks her way forward to the rings.

The rest of them follow closely on their heels.

"Okay-dokey. Everybody get ready." Vala tells them.

"Wai- Wait." Rodney checks his readings, "It's safe if you want to step up right by the rings. If we all want to get in, we have to be close."

Vala waits for everyone to get in position, then she bends down and does a quick back flip, barely touching her feet to the surface and whipping them back before the rings descend.

Rodney blinks in amazement. The rings descend on the platform and retract.

"Now!" Vala shouts a second later.

Running inside the ring platform, Rodney holds his rifle ready, his heart beating fast. He sees the flash of light come down around them. He takes a breath... and then he down on the ground rolling. John and Ronon are the first to fire on the guards. Rodney pauses for a second before firing to avoid hitting any of his team members. He sees them; one of them is aiming his staff weapon at he barely he rolls out of the way in time. By the time he firing there are only two of them left. He feels Vala leaning against him and the stutter of her weapon fire with his.

She sighs as the last of them go down, "Easy as... what's the expression?"

Rodney catches his breath trying to figure out what she is talking about.

"Pie. That's it." She smiles.

"Everybody okay?" John calls out.

"We're good." Vala calls out cheerfully.

"Sailes and I are... in one piece." Daniel calls out.

"Rodney." John's tone implies a question.

He understands what John is asking. _Translation, 'Can we make our way out of here?'_

"On it.", Rodney stands to get his bearings.

"Whatever this place is, it is old." Daniel stares at the stone walls around them, "Very old. I would say we are in one of the lower levels of a ziggurat."

Checking his sensor readings, as he turns to one of the passageways. Rodney tells him, "This way, professor."

He and Daniel take the lead. Ronon and John are close behind, keeping them covered for any more guards they may encounter. The sensor leads them to a large antechamber. It is dark, but Rodney can make out a stone pillar in the middle of room.

Lights begin to flicker on as they move inside; there are carvings up the side of the tall stone walls that curve into a dome on the top.

"Rodney." John's tone implies enough for Rodney to understand.

 _Translation: 'Rodney figure out the power source.'_

Rodney furrows his brows looking for something other than the stone pillar to explain the source of the energy readings, "I think it might have been activated by the Ancient gene..."

"Yes, yes." Daniel trails his hands along the walls, "I've only ever seen a place like this once before. You don't understand. This is amazing. The four walls... Over here we have Ancient, This one is Ancient, that one Asgard." Daniel runs excitedly across the room, "Furling and Nox. The four races of the old Alliance. The SCG once found a repository like this, but we were never able to access it again."

Daniel actives the something on the pillar and a colorful holographic display dances in the air around them.

"What is this?" Ronon asks.

"This? This is only the most fundamental language known to existence." Daniel points to a red and blue circle linked together, "This language is based on the basic chemistry of the universe... 146 elements. It's a way for distant races to communicate with each other. When I saw the other place, I wasn't fluent in Ancient yet, but now..."

"Any of it explain how to power this place down?" John asks.

Rodney examines the wall, "No, this is, ah, a history of... of the four galaxies?"

"Yes!" Daniel slides his hand along the face of the wall, "The birth place of the Alterans, uh, Ancients, to us. Before they evolved they left their home galaxy, splitting with the rest of their kind, the Ori. They traveled to the Milky Way to seed it with life. But we've never known where they came from until now."

Moving his hands over the enigmatic controls on the central pillar, Rodney tries to reason out to the simple divots in the stone.

"Before the Ori and the Alterans split," Daniel continues, "They were a race of humanoids that inhabited a part of space they called the four galaxies. Wh-wait, what are you doing?"

The holographic display changes and Rodney pulls his hands back in recognition. It is a map of the local cluster of the universe.

"What did you do?" Daniel sounds annoyed.

"Calm down, I didn't break it." Rodney turns to John in excitement, pointing at the galactic spiral to his left, "Milky Way..."

Scanning the stars he tells them, "This little one down here is Pegasus."

"That one's Pegasus?" Ronon asks." Wait. Why is yours so much bigger?"

Suppressing a smirk, Rodney is about to give a comprehensive scientific answer but Vala beats him to it.

"Sometimes, we just have to be happy with what nature provides, big guy." She pats Ronon on the shoulder.

He reaches out his finger toward the largest spiral, Andromeda. The holograph seems to be interactive; it zooms in to section of the spiral. The perspective changes from inside part of the outer rim. 4 distinct clusters of stars are highlighted with bright blue hues, where sections of the arms of the galaxy appear to be striated.

"Rodney, you're a genius." Daniel proclaims. "This has to be it! Andromeda is the home galaxy where the Ancient Alterans evolved. Do you know what this means?"

"That it's full of crazy Ori worshippers who try to burn people who don't agree with them?" Vala sounds bored.

"No. Well, yes, that too. But it must have Stargates. And we know there are Archeological remnants that survived the purging of the Ori. Andromeda may hold the answers to some of humankinds greatest questions."

"Yeah, but not the big one." John remarks, "How do we get outta here?"

Locating a hidden seam at the base of the pillar, Rodney presses a small divot and a panel pops out.

"There's so much here..." Daniel whispers in awe. "About the history of the great alliance, the defeat of the Sekkari threat."

"The what threat?" Rodney lifts up his head from the tray of crystals.

"Sekkari. It says, uh, a silicon based life from that threatened all life in the Milky Way and beyond."

"Rodney." John's tone is displeased.

 _Translation: 'I always knew there was something about the Sekkari not to be trusted.'_

"Er," Rodney looks up to John apologetically, "Well, maybe it will take them a few million years to be a threat again?"

"You've had dealings with them?" Daniel asks.

"Sort of." John waves his hand impatiently, "We'll sort that out later, there will be plenty of time to study this information once we know we can get in and out of here safely."

Sailes lifts his hand, "If we're taking votes, I'd like to go home, please."

"This only controls the hologram," Rodney pushes the panel back, "the main power source must be in another room."

"All right," John nods, "let's go."

Daniel groans but follows the rest of the team out of the room.

A wide hall empties onto another large open space. It looks like a dead end but the energy readings are centered here.

Ronon ventures ahead, "We got another set of these rings here."

"Rodney?" Rodney always knows just what John means just by the intonation.

Translation: _'How many life signs are you reading now?'_

Rodney pulls out the life signs detector, "I think we can safely assume the remaining two they are in the room above us."

"Do I have to go up there?" Sailes asks fearfully.

"No..." John pulls out a revolver, "Take this. We'll come get you in a moment, okay."

"Shall I?" Vala tilts her head at John.

He nods at her. It really is amazing how that woman can flip her body around, if Rodney wasn't madly in love with John, he would probably have ended up with a crush on her. He wonders for a moment how Daniel can stand it – she flirts with him so shamelessly and constantly, but somehow Daniel acts like he is totally immune it; annoyed would be more accurate.

Rushing into the ring, Rodney readies his rifle, this time the gunfight is brief and they take their opponents out easily. He brushes himself off and looks around the large upper floor. It is all open space and he doesn't see anything resembling a power source.

Daniel walks to wall covered with Ancient script. "It's a puzzle."

Ronon goes to retrieve Sailes whle the rest of them peer at the wall.

Daniel points, "There are circles here that need to be matched up, with the related Ancient koans. Question is, which ones..."

"Oh, no." Vala groans, "This isn't another one of those things where the temple comes crumbling down if we do the wrong thing is it?"

"Hope not." Daniel makes a sarcastic face at her, "Just don't steal anything. This Naqueda reinforced masonry has probably been here for thousands of years, I would hate to be the one to destroy it."

"And I would hate to be on the inside when it get destroyed." John drawls.

Rodney notices a pattern, "Do you see how some of these circles are bigger than others... The whole spatial relationship... it's like a model of the relative galaxies."

John touches the stones in the upper left hand corner, "If this is Andromeda, these four represent the 4 galaxies."

The fact that John remembers exactly where they galaxies were located makes Rodney's cock twitches with arousal. He loves it that John is so damn smart.

Daniel examines the stones and dials them into varies positions. Nothing happens and he shrugs, "Well, it was worth a shot."

"We're still alive." Ronon offers.

"Yeah, maybe..." Rodney thinks, "maybe we didn't get it wrong, the puzzle is just incomplete."

"4 galaxies, 4 races." John muses.

"Well," Daniel squints, "I know where the Nox homeworld is, Ancients would be Dakara or Earth probably... The Asgard occupied a large region of space... and I have no idea about the Furlings."

"But it's not that detailed," Rodney notes, walking to the far right side of the wall. "It's too big to be on a planetary basis. The Milky Way... It would just be these circles here."

"There are 4 intersecting circles here..." Daniel studies the section, "Could it really be as simple as finding an Ancient riddle that fits them together?"

"Is that simple?" Ronon snorts in amusement.

"Okay. I think I got it." Daniel tilts his head from one side and then to the other. He turns the panels in the rock face one by one. As the last one clicks in place, they hear a rumbling sound.

"Uh, oh." Vala makes a face.

A wall begins to move, sliding down into the lower level and opening up a hidden chamber.

"Oh thank God!" Sailes whimpers.

"You do a lot of off-world missions?" Ronon asks the geologist.

"No, no, first and only." The man shakes his head, "If we make it out of here."

The wall recedes completely revealing the familiar sight of a ZPM casing. Rodney opens it with excitement and pulls the module to examine it. Hard to say how much power it has left. The IOA will be thrilled that they have found a possible power supplement for the Atlantis platform. He plugs it back in-

"Rodney?" John's tone sounds confused.

 _Translation: "Give me good reson why we're not taking this thing with us.'_

"We need the power for the rings," Rodney explains, "I've just got to pull a few crystals to shut this thing down."

After finding the right panel Rodney fiddles with the control tray for a few minutes. "All right. That should do it."

"But how do you know?" Sailes asks with dread.

"Still got this," Rodney pulls out his tablet, "we can read the energy signatures before we try it out."

Sailes nods uncertainly and Ronon pats him on the back, "We'll be okay."

As they ring back up to the surface, Rodney takes some readings and smiles with satisfaction, "All clear. But we probably want to head back the way we came, since that ridge up there is so high."

When they reach the other side of the structure, Rodney regrets that recommendation. The pulverized remains of Durham have left a zig-zigging stain in the dirt. Rodney looks away feeling sick to his stomach.

"Oh my God." The geologist utters in shock shaking visibly.

"Come on buddy," John pulls Sailes by the shoulder, "It'll be okay. We'll have a recovery team come back straight away; we'll get him back home where he belongs. Right now, let's just focus on getting you back through the gate."

Rodney feels a rush of pride at John's solid protectiveness. He is a good man, the best man Rodney has ever known. So strong, but gentle when he needs to be... And for some strange reason he has decided that Rodney is worthy of his complete attention and devotion. He scarcely feels worthy of John's love, but he is so happy to have it.

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	115. He's fucked John well beyond 16 times

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Stretched out across John, Rodney pants, and deeply satisfied. He was a little tired to begin with from sparring with Ronon earlier, and now after this vigorous sexual romp with John, he is completely delirious.

Still awake somehow, but drowsy and heavy with the satiation of his lust. He feels a little selfish given how John has been letting Rodney take him night after night -even though John screams out in pleasure and begs for Rodney give it to him.

He lifts his head up off of John's chest and peers into his eyes. John traces his hand along the side of Rodney's face, "You okay, Mere?"

"Me? I'm amazing."

John smiles, "Good, I just wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to make you think about..."

"Oh." Rodney gulps, "Do you... think about... that a lot?"

"I just try to think about you and what you need."

Rodney kisses John's chest, "I have everything I need... I just hope I'm... I mean, that you have everything you need. I know... you're used to being on top... I haven't forgotten what you can do with that massive cock of yours-"

"I don't need to do anything else right now..." John wraps his arms around Rodney and hugs him tightly. "I can be a great pilot, I just think right now you should be the one at the controls."

"For how long?" Rodney blinks softly.

"As long as you want..." John say tenderly, "Whenever you want."

"Well, to be fair," Rodney reasons, "I've fucked you at least... more than 16 times."

"You've lost count?"

"It depends on whether or not you count the hand jobs and... never mind, I guess I lost count after a while." Rodney leans his head up so that his chin is resting on John's chest, "It just, you know, it feels so good that I don't have to worry that each time might be last."

Leaning his head back down into the crook of John's neck, Rodney smells the woodsy musk laced with the hint of Aqua Velva. Somehow, it is still a surprise that he can have John now, that the longing and love isn't unrequited anymore.

"I like knowing I can have you whenever I want." He murmurs happily.

"And you do." John reminds him.

"I do."

"There's been a whole lot of sex." Rodney can feel John's face break out into a grin.

"There really has." Rodney teases, "Yeah. Yeah, so I expect you to keep putting out."

"Looking forward to that." John chuckles.

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* * *

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Now that the Asgard beaming technology salvaged from the Shin-Tzu has been installed in Atlantis, John is taking a day trip to the ranch. He was surprised by how quickly Dave was able to get the U.S. government to recognize it as an autonomous state. Soon after they immediately began construction on the New Athos site.

The Athosians loved a lot of John's plans and wanted to use some of his visions for a town center while retaining their more traditional look for the residential structures. Having the means to do this was another matter. One that Dave took it upon himself to fund.

Using one of his Companies to make a sizeable charitable contribution, Dave was able to funnel the use of the assets to help the development. John is excited to see how construction is coming along. That and he is hoping to take the truck into the San Francisco. There are some books there he'd like to look into.

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* * *

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Rodney was a little miffed that John didn't take him with when he went to see the ranch developments but he supposes he had his reasons. But now the two of them are taking a long weekend into San Francisco, which more than makes up for not getting to see the ranch.

After beaming into a private cabin into the Presidio, John calls a car to take them across town to the hotel Rodney picked out, known simply, as the 'W'. The drive there takes them up and down the colorful hills of the charming scenery. The land levels out as they reach the more modern downtown section known as SOMA.

John is little disappointed to be on flat ground surrounding by modern buildings, since he prefers the older architecture, but Rodney assures him that it will be more comfortable than a quaint B&B type hotel. The room is quite nice, and John stretches out and relaxes while Rodney fusses with his overnight bag.

"This is almost as comfortable as our bed." John informs. "Almost".

"I'll check it out in a minute, I just want makes sure..." Rodney consults one of his guidebooks, "I mean I was here once a long time ago, but it's probably a lot different now... So many things to do... Have any ideas about what to see first?"

"I just wanna relax. I don't ready care. You chose, show me what you like."

Frowning over the pages Rodney takes the directive very seriously.

"Rodney." Translation: come over and pay attention to me.

Rodney dog-ears a page and lays down on the bed with John. "Ahhhhhhhhhhh." Rodney sighs into the mattress

"You see?"

"I see." Closing his eyes, Rodney lets himself relax. He feels John's hand reaching across his chest and curling Rodney into a comfortable embrace. His body melts completely into John arms.

"Or we could just lay here for a couple days." Rodney sighs, brushing his lips across John's neck.

"I'd be fine with that." John tightens his arms around Rodney's waist. He leans in and takes Rodney mouth tenderly in his, kissing lightly across the surface of his lips, then teasing him open to take his tongue.

Rodney swoons, if that is possible lying down. He loves the way it feels when John kisses him like this. There is so much passion and desire, so much tenderness, he feels like he is the only thing that exists in John's world.

He slides his hands up familiarly into John's thick hair, tugging it gently in his fingers and using his hold to keep John entwined with him. Not that John seems to need any encouragement. John licks Rodney's lips, then sucks on them before snaking his tongue around Rodney's. Rodney pulls him in deeper, God he loves this man so much, he is helpless to how John makes him feel. His eyes roll back into his head under his closed lids as he kisses back.

"You know what's cool?" John pulls back suddenly, "We can walk out the same door here and not have to worry-"

"Very cool." Rodney catches John's lips in his again and kisses them soundly, "I think we should try it out... and then come back here, walk into the same door together and-"

"Then what?" John pushes Rodney's guidebook off the bed playfully, "You got that part of the trip all planed out too?"

Flushing, Rodney answers, "No. I didn't mean-" A passionate kiss from John abbreviates his thoughts.

"Hmm. Mmm. Something like that though."

John laughs and pulls him off the bed, "Okay Mere, show me your plan."

Rodney takes John to the place he remembers liking the most in San Francisco –The Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park. It is a languid romantic stroll and Rodney revels in the fact that the two of them can walk through the garden holding hands.

The tea at the 'tea garden' is the only thing about it that sucks, so Rodney opts for a tea house in Noe Valley instead called Samovar. It's a little too Californian, with it's Zen food and finely aged leaves, but he introduces John to Pureh.

The next best thing to coffee, it tastes like fresh Earth and Peat Moss. John almost spits the first sip back and Rodney has to convince him to give it another chance, it's an acquired taste.

"Tastes like something Ronon would drink." John smirks.

But he comes around before too long. The two of them laugh at the serious tone of the café and the new age music but get seriously hopped up on the black tea beverage. The servers are slow and it takes them forever to get out of there.

Eventually, Rodney is pulling John's hand to walk up 18th street towards the Castro. John's warm palm folds into his easily and Rodney feels giddy about walking hand in hand so freely.

"Where are we going now?" John asks with a sparkle in his eye.

"Actually... I was thinking, well, we're only a few blocks away from the gay district... so why not check it out?"

John tilts his head curiously and squeezes Rodney's hand with affection.

The shops and the characters get more colorful as they walk closer to the Castro district. Rodney is wide-eyed at the men of all varieties. Young slinky boys with buzzed and dyed hair, older men in leathers, and everything in between. Most of them don't look quite as normal as John or Rodney, he wonders if it is obvious that they are tourists.

As they reach Castro Street, Rodney takes a right, heading up toward the landmark Castro Theater and Market Street. He pops into a corner shop on the way and buys some water for himself and some gum for John. "Here, spearmint, your favorite."

"Thanks." John grins.

Rodney stares at the street scene around them and feels ebullient, "Just think about it... We can totally be as gay as we want right now!"

Popping a piece of gum in his mouth, John quips, "Well, that was always the dream."

Embarrassed by his outburst, Rodney looks down at the sidewalk, "I just meant, they may be moving Atlantis soon, so we might as well enjoy it here while we can."

He feels John's strong hands reach around the back of his neck and pull him in for a sweet minty tasting kiss. John lingers, holding Rodney close and teasing his lips. Rodney wraps his arms around John neck with abandon, reaching on his tiptoes.

There is the sensation of movement buzzing all around them, of no one particularly taking notice of this anonymous pair of men sharing an embrace. Rodney closes his eyes in pleasure, wishing he could always be this free and affectionate with John.

He breaks into a wide grin, interrupting the kisses with his delighted expression. John kisses him on the cheek.

"It's pretty cool", John admits, talking Rodney's hand back in his. "It's feels cheesy and weird, but it's nice that I can stop worrying about being court-martialed for a minute and kiss you if I feel like it."

Rodney laughs and pulls him to a streetcar stop with a green vintage car called 'the F line'.

He explains, "This one will take all the way down to the waterfront, we can get off wherever we want... I know, let's get off at the ferry building and walk though Chinatown."

"Sure, just as long as we get food at some point, those rabbit pellets from the tea shop aren't really going to hold me over."

Snapping his fingers in excitement Rodney tells him, "I know just the place, 'House of Nanking' a local secret and best Chinese food around. Afterwards we can go for drinks at 'Vesuvio', it's an eccentric bar, a remnant of the Beat poetry era – you'll love it."

"Rodney, do I honesty seem like someone who reads beat poetry?"

"Trust me you'll love it, they have beer there."

"Lead the way." John follows Rodney onto the streetcar and sidles up close in the old fashioned seat his arm is slung easy across Rodney's shoulder.

John leans into Rodney's as the carriage moves slowly down the tracks and a collection of odd characters make their way on and of the carriage. "I don't think they're really gonna move it, do you?"

"Well," Rodney thinks for a moment, "it's kind of in the way where it is, with the international maritime shipping and all."

"Yeah," John lowers his voice, "but what are they going to do? Power up the stardrive and waste what little power we have left? They're got to keep the cloak on indefinitely if it's going to stay on Earth, and I don't see the IAO letting go of the chair defense platform."

"I dunno, they were talking about pulling it down the coast a bit, or maybe relocating to on of Hawaii's remote islands."

"I could get used to Hawaii." John rubs his chin.

"I thought we weren't going to talk about work?" Rodney gives him a playful shove.

"Right." John looks apologetic, "No work, just you and me."

He gives Rodney such a dazzling, open expression of love that it melts him completely. He squeezes John's hand and rests his head against him with his eyes closed, swaying a little with the movement of the streetcar.

The rest of the day is a magical adventure, but Rodney can't wait to get back to their hotel room that night. Once they get back, exhausted from a day of exploration, John takes a shower. Rodney lounges on the couch with a TV remote, switching though the channels without really watching.

John comes out looking clean and ready to play. He's wearing nothing but a pair of boxers shorts and makes himself comfortable on the far side of the couch. Kicking at Rodney's legs.

The glint in his eye tells Rodney that he is playing one of their new favorite games: history rewrite. They think back to all of the times when the almost hooked up but didn't, playing out the scenes differently, sometimes mashing them all together in a confused jumble until they fall into each other's arms.

"What do you think you're think you're doing, Sheppard?" Rodney kicks him back with a frown.

"I'm sick of hearing about your big plans to be with Katie." John mock scowls, "You know I'm the one you belong with, you should really just forget about her."

"Colonel," Rodney feigns surprise, "I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about. Un-Unless you mean that time I tried to kiss you. You told me never to go there again, so I haven't-"

"Yeah" John snarls, "Well, now I'm going there. No one is allowed to have you but me –that's an order."

Rodney acts flustered, "But I-"

"I know" John's voice is suddenly tender, "You deserve to be happy. But I want to be the one to make you happy."

Love shines through John's eyes despite to ruse. He leans up and grabs Rodney, in swift movement he has him pinned down on the couch so Rodney can barely move.

"Ohhhhhh." Rodney's heart flutters.

"I can't let you go." John holds his gaze and then brushes his lips lightly across Rodney's cheekbone. "I should never have let you go, now it's too late for you to get away"

"That's okay, Colonel, I don't want you to."

John's eyes twinkle, "You know, you can call me John when we're off duty."

"Okay, John." Rodney whispers breathlessly.

"I'm going to take what I've been wanting for so long." John crushes his lips against Rodney's mouth, tasting, twirling, demanding. He can feel every inch of John's sinew bracing himself against his body, John's cock rock hard.

But doesn't he doesn't 'take' Rodney; he seduces him gently and carefully. He can trust John with his body and soul, knowing he will never use his raw sexual power to take Rodney before he is ready.

No matter how much John tosses him around and manhandles him during their games, Rodney is perfectly safe being at his mercy. He is lost in the pure bliss smelling John's warm skin and the musk under the Aqua Velva.

He loves playing through the scenes, that one where John kisses him and instead of rejecting him, the alternate ending to the massages or the blowjob, the one where John kisses him and tells Rodney he how hard he has fallen for him before he leaves for that trip through the Stargate... or maybe the hug in the jumper, where more had happened.

Then there's the one where John stays the night after telling him about Lyle... The list goes on and on. For so long they lived so close, yet so far away. And now it is a fun game they play to change to outcomes... It adds to the novelty of finally being together it, the fact that Colonel John Sheppard truly of his.

Blinking up at John innocently, Rodney begins, "You told me when we were in Scotland..."

"Yeeeees?"

"You said that I was loveable."

"Because you are."

"I wanted to -to grab onto you... and ask you, 'why you didn't love me, then'?"

John's body grinds closer and his arms tighten around Rodney. He holds his lips a hair from Rodney's face, "I did love you. If you had asked me that then, I would have lost all control. I would have admitted everything, told you how much I needed you. I would have made love to you on that bed and begged you to give Katie up for me."

"Really?" Rodney asks hoping it isn't part of the game.

"Really, Mere. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."

"Colonel..." Rodney rakes his hands through the thick dark mop of hair.

"McKay..." John grinds his lean form into him and moans as Rodney clenches his hair, "When I asked to stay at your apartment, I wasn't quite expecting..."

"What were you expecting, Sheppard?" Rodney taunts him, catching on to story plot John is weaving.

"I wanted to share your bed, not the couch." John growls.

Rodney grabs tighter into John's hair, making him wince a little, "That's your problem, MAJOR. You just think you can have anything you want, whenever you what."

A hint of Rodney's past frustration comes through in his voice. John smiles down at Rodney, brushing some of his hair away from his forehead, "Are you saying that I can't have you, McKay?"

"That's not the point." Rodney's stomach flutters and he feels dizzy even though he is still lying down and trying to sound unaffected.

"I think you've tried to deny it as much as I have..." John trails his fingers along the side of Rodney's face, "but you want me as much as I want you. You told me, I've always had a power over you..."

The playful fight of struggling under Johns' weight stops and Rodney's body goes slack. " Not fair..."

"How much power?" John licks and bites Rodney's neck, keeping him pinned under him on the couch.

With his heart beating wildly in his chest, Rodney's voice is breathless as he answers, "You own me, you have the power to do anything you want with me. Complete control; my heart is yours. "

Rodney sighs closing his eyes for a moment, "I can't believe you didn't always know that."

"Mere." John holds Rodney's face lightly and snakes a hand behind his neck. "If I had known... you would have been mine such a long time ago. God, I wish I'd known how I could make you feel. I would have-" John's mouth closes over Rodney's lips, slick with desire. John body shudders as his tongue rolls with Rodney's, crushing his red and kiss swollen lips.

After a moment of losing himself in the desire, John pulls back enough to look into Rodney's eyes, "you know you have the same control over me."

Rodney stares back lost in the pools of John's green eyes, "Then I'm telling you not to leave my apartment, to take me on this couch and make love to me, MAJOR. No more games, I want your heart to be mine. You belong to me."

"I do." John's forehead dips down rest lightly against Rodney's, "Why else would I ask to bunk with you while we were on Earth? I had to be near you, to touch you. And if I'm really honest about it, maybe I was hoping you'd invite me to your bed."

"Take me to my bed then." Rodney taunts

"Wait." John smiles furtively, "I want you to take a shower first."

Sensing the game has come to an end, Rodney asks, "What do you have in mind?"

"You'll see" John gives him innocent smile.

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	116. John belongs to him now

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Knowing John has something planned, Rodney feels simultaneously nervous and excited. Obviously, John wouldn't be thinking of taking him, not literally – not without talking to him first.

Still, it has to be something they haven't done before. This feeling of John being the one in control is thrilling. As the droplets of water hit Rodney's bare skin, he exhales in anticipation, wondering if John will be naked waiting for him. He scrubs himself squeaky clean while daydreaming about the Colonel. The cold, unreachable Colonel, whose heart finally belongs to Rodney.

When he emerges from the bathroom, Rodney has a tight towel wrapped about his waist to conceal his growing erection. John is splayed out on the bed, completely bare except for his dog tags.

He looks so perfectly sexy, every inch of him a sensual curve. His meaty cock lies almost fully hard up against one of his legs waiting for Rodney to bring it to full attention. John's eyes sparkle in invitation, so open and untroubled by any of the barriers that once kept his face so guarded.

Rodney's heart flips with joy, to know that look of love in John's expression is for him, only for him. And when John's boyish face breaks out into an uncontained grin, Rodney loses the last of his nonchalant sexy gait and hurries up onto the bed, eager to touch John and run his hands over that perfect body.

John shakes his head in wonder as he smooths his hands over Rodney's skin, "Ahhh. You are so beautiful." One of his hands runs down Rodney's back, cupping one of his full and pert cheeks

"So damn sexy." John mutters as he squeezes Rodney's ass. His hands continue to explore Rodney's body as he murmurs words of affection and appreciation. No one has ever made Rodney feel so desirable. Desperate to shower John with the same love and tenderness, he runs his hands intimately over John's body, telling him how much he loves him, how perfect and sexy he is.

"Shhh." John kisses his mouth to quiet his words, "Right now, I want to worship you. I just want to make you feel..."

John loses his train of thought as he kisses Rodney deeply, lapping his tongue and swirling it across Rodney's. When Rodney is finally able to come up for air, he argues, "But I-"

"Shhh..." John pushes him back to the bed and climbs on top of him. He holds Rodney's head in his hands, "I can't believe how hot you are, Mere."

He kisses Rodney's jawline and down to his collarbone. He rakes his soft tongue over the sensitive tissue on Rodney's nipples and gently sucks.

Rodney's waist arches upward in pleasure, seeking the momentary contact with John's hard cock. "Ohhhh God." He hisses in pleasure as John licks and sucks on his chest. "God"

He feels John's thick cock trailing over his stomach as John lowers himself down the bed, kissing Rodney's abdomen. His legs are being pulled up and pillow placed under his ass.  
He inhales with excitement as John spreads his legs and kisses the smooth insides of Rodney's legs. Rodney gasps as John strong hand takes hold of his cock. There is something different about the way John is touching him. Less raw and unadulterated, more... skilled, somehow. He is using variety of techniques...

Oh God, that's amazing what John's mouth is doing. John's mouth on his skin is pure heaven. He kisses... licking, and sucking... Ahhh. Suddenly, Rodney feels John's tongue tracing a circle around his hole, urging him to relax. He laps at the opening, then stops, to ask, "Is this okay, Mere?"

Stunned, Rodney isn't sure what to say... It's okay, it's totally okay. He just wasn't expecting...

"See, I..." John kisses Rodney's inner thigh, "I did a little reading myself, and I thought I'd impress you."

Quiet laughter shakes Rodney's body.

"What?" John sits back looking a bit defensive, "How is that funny? I'm just trying to be a good lover."

"Oh. It's not funny." Rodney sits up takes John's face in his hands, "It's just so adorable. No one has ever... No one's ever cared so much about making me happy."

"Well, maybe it's just that I don't want you to win." John shrugs playfully.

"Win?"

"At sex. By being better than me. Maybe I had to even the scoreboard a little bit."

Meeting Rodney's eyes, John's looks almost bashful, "Okay, I care... a lot... I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel."

"You are good." Rodney presses his chest up against John's and breaths in intoxicating scent.

"So, now I'm even better... better than you probably." John taunts.

"Oh, yeah? How do you figure?" Rodney challenges.

"You'll just have to let me try and find out. How do you feel about rim jobs?"

"I haven't..." Rodney blushes, "Uh, I haven't really. Sorry, this is a little surreal."

John smiles like he is enjoying throwing Rodney off balance, "Well, you said that you weren't up to giving blowjobs or bottoming right now, so I figured, I should get educated on everything else that might be on the menu."

He is moved by the time and effort John has clearly made. His eagerness to please Rodney feels so noble and romantic. Rodney's cock stiffens as he thinks about how he will take John's clean tight hole after John is done pleasuring him.

"Oh. God. I can't wait to fuck you."

"I can't wait either..." John's eyes glaze with lust, "But will you let touch you first?"

Gulping nervously, Rodney nods and lets John lower him back on the bed. When he kisses Rodney it is dominant and passionate, his hands roam hungrily over Rodney's body.

"You make me want you so damn much." John takes Rodney's hand and brings it to his engorged cock. "You make me so hard, Mere."

Rodney trembles as John works his way down his body again, opening him layer by layer. He is ready for it this time as John's mouth explores him. Rodney hasn't actually experienced this before and isn't sure what to expect. John's hands spread his cheeks and his tongue, soft and wet, pushes in. Rodney relaxes and gives him entrance.

John's tongue thrusts in and out, licks the edges and thrusts again. The sensation is delicate, tingly and good, so, so, good. Especially with John's hand stroking his cock...

There is no need to tell John that this is one thing on the menu Rodney has never actually sampled before. Just as Rodney is surrendering to the bliss, John's mouth moves up again, sucking his balls, then sliding up at the base of his cock. The tongue laps at the head of Rodney's cock, licking off the precum.

Oh. Shit. John's mouth is licking his cock. Fuck. Licking, now sucking, sucking it so good. Oh, God. It doesn't seem like it is John's first time giving a blowjob, it's fucking amazing. The way John is flicking the head of his cock... Ohhh.

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* * *

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The warm desire creeps up John's chest and into his throat. His hunger for Rodney keeps growing despite taking him so deeply in his mouth. Rodney's cock is huge, too big to get the entire thing in, but he sucks on it greedily trying to get more each time.

John moans with desire as his bobs his head up and down on Rodney's hard cock. The taste and feel of him is intoxicating. Fuck, he wants it all, he wants to make Rodney feel all of this. He slides his mouth off of the huge shaft and looks up at Rodney feeling awed by the depth of his own feelings.

"Mere, I don't know if you'd like this, but... would you like it if I touched you inside too?" For a moment John wishes he hadn't asked, he doesn't want to push him if he isn't ready.

"It was just an idea to make you feel good..." John shakes his head, "but if it feels even a little weird, I don't want to-"

Rodney's eyes are full of love and intensity, the way he is looking at John, he can feel how much power he has over Rodney. His eyes are wide and vulnerable. John has the power to hold his heart completely and Rodney wants to be held. John knows that look because he has felt it himself when Rodney unraveled him and held his soul.

"I want you to." Rodney whispers breathlessly. His arms fumble and reach for the lube on the hotel bed stand and he hands it to John.

Palming the bottle, John dips down kiss Rodney tenderly, "I love you, you know."

"I know." Rodney whispers.

"I'll make sure no one can ever hurt you, I just want to protect you and make you feel wonderful."

As Rodney nods, his dazzling blue shine up at John and John loves how open they are for him, "I only ever want to make you feel good, Rodney. You're the most important thing in the world to me. You're everything."

Rodney sighs with pleasure.

"If I ever do anything makes you uncomfortable, even just for a moment, I want you tell me... Can you do that for me, Mere?"

John stops himself from kissing Rodney's cheekbones, just under those expressive eyes. He leans back, waiting for an answer.

"Uh, yeah." Rodney seems to notice the loss of sensation and his eyes flutter open again, "I would tell you."

His body hums with satisfaction as he reaches for Rodney's cock. He teases Rodney, licking and biting his nipples softly, before he takes what he really wants in his mouth, Rodney's cock.

While he sucks on the thick cock, John's hands play over Rodney's sensitive abdomen and inner legs, then he fondles Rodney's balls in rhythm to the cock in his mouth. He uses the techniques Rodney used on him to drive him wild so many years ago –plus a few things he picked up from reading those sex books.

He finds the small bottle and applies some lube to his fingers without changing pace. His lips and cheeks spread wide enjoying the feeling of having Rodney inside his mouth. He swirls his tongue over the head each time he pulls his head back up.

Using one hand to squeeze down the slick saliva over the base of Rodney's cock, he loses himself in the intuitive dance between his hand and the motion of his mouth. The excitement and the warmth in his chest is growing as he dances his wet fingers over Rodney tight pink hole.

Rodney's breath hitches as he bears down. God. John remembers how incredibly tight Rodney is and how good it felt to have his cock in him. But they will wait until Rodney is ready; when he fucks him, John wants it to be right –not just a sexual release.

Two of John's dripping fingers press into Rodney waiting hole. He eases them in slowly while worshipping Rodney's cock. They inch in deeper and then stop. He doesn't need to go very far, just enough to find the… There it is.

The sweet spot that Rodney had introduced him too. It's so hot having his fingers inside Rodney while taking him with his mouth. He can tell by the noises Rodney is making that he is doing it right. He slides his fingers carefully over the spot, kneading it.

Rodney is losing control and John loves feeling that he has the power to make Rodney feel like this. As Rodney's hips arch up to meet John's mouth, he moans to the motion of John's fingers rubbing over his prostate. The lust is making John's head swim but he keeps his focus, he wants to be as good as Rodney is at bringing him to the edge and back again.

Keeping his eyes closed, John listens to everything Rodney's body is telling him, the breath, the heat, the pulse, any movement he can use to intuit Rodney's need. And he does just that, gives Rodney what he needs before he himself is aware of it. John abandons himself to the pleasure of it, it feels like second nature now, he doesn't have to think, he can just take Rodney in.

Pleased with himself that he has been able to keep Rodney reeling in ecstasy for so long, John reluctantly moves away from Rodney's delicious cock. Now he will give the control back to Rodney. He will let Rodney take him. He craves that feeling, he needs Rodney to fuck him.

Sighing Rodney tells him, "Jesus Christ. How did you get so good at that? I thought you said you'd never- Oh. It doesn't matter. Oh my God, I wanna fuck you so bad now-"

"Mmmmph." John cuts him off with a hungry kiss. He lays on top of Rodney's body, relishing the contact of skin on skin. His eyes dilated with arousal.

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* * *

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Rodney's face goes heavy with lust; he reaches his arms up around John and rolls him onto his back.

"God, baby you are so hot" Rodney looks down at John and slicks his hands with lube, playing with John's cock first and then with his hole. John makes it easy to slip a couple fingers in. Rodney finds the prostate and massages it while kissing John deeply.

John's moans of pleasure reverberate in his own throat and Rodney can't believe how hot this is. Everything about John is a turn on, but this is just too amazing. In moment he will take John and have him writhing all over the bed. Rodney bites down on John's lower lip.

"God, I can't wait to have you."

"Take me." John begs, trembling.

Whatever patience he had has given way, all he can think about now is possessing John… John begging to be fucked.

"Oh God." Rodney pulls a pillow under John ass and plays with his cock as he lines it up to John's hole. He kisses the lower stomach in reverence. A little more lube and he is ready.

His slick hand grips John's cock, he using his other to guide, to push his cock in. Seeking the entry that John is giving him. God, god, god. John is so tight but he's used to taking it now, it's easier to get inside.

And what makes it so hot is that John craves the feeing of Rodney inside him, can't seem get enough of it. Rodney angles back to rub the prostate with his strokes, still clenching and pulling John's long cock.

John shudders and his eyes roll back in his head. He doesn't have to say anything, Rodney know what his lover feels and what he wants. He leans forward to let the dog tags John gave him sway along John's lean torso. He pumps slowly into John easing all the way in.

"This is what you wanted, baby? You need me to fuck you so you can feel have much I love you?"

"I... Oh-Mere." John is breathless, his mouth hanging open, "I need it -Oooooh."

"You like belonging to me?" Rodney speeds up his thrusts, still not too deep, or hard yet. He kisses John's face, "...only me ...the way I belong to you?"

It isn't easy holding his balance over John, while fucking him and giving him a hand job, but he really is just that good. He can control everything John is feeling, the only thing that takes a sustained effort is the concentration to keep himself from cumming right away. John feels so tight and perfect, like his ass was meant the give Rodney's cock perfect pleasure. He likes knowing he was John's first, that he will be his only.

Rodney has been John's first everything. The first man to fuck him. the first person John ever really let his guard down with, to trust with his stories, to open his heart to. God, he loves this man so much. He moves his body, thrusting short and deep into John. Everything movement radiates his devotion and surrender to this love. He knows John can feel it by the way he is looking into Rodney's eyes.

Then John's eyes roll back again in his head again, lost in the bliss, clenching the bed sheets and swearing, "Oh God, Yeah. Fuck Rodney, Rodney. Rodn- fuck me harder, I'm ready for it. Jesus, Rodney. Oh Fuck. Fuck. Fuck"

And Rodney gives it to him, every inch he is begging for, He fucks John hard and deep, not forgetting to hit the prostate on the way in and out.

John's body starts to shake. Rodney is mesmerized by the sight of his lover coming undone for him then he lets his own passion build, timing it so he and John can cum together.

The sound of his own voice screaming drowns out the noises John is making as he convulses under Rodney's hard cock. As Rodney swells to completion, all he can think is how much he loves this man.

He lets his chest onto John's feeling in the inhale and the exhale of breath until he is soft enough to pull out. John makes a small moan as Rodney leaves his body. Rodney rolls to his side and pulls John into the crook of his shoulder. This might almost be his favorite part –the afterglow. Almost.

"God, I love you." John whispers.

"But I love you just little bit more." And John is too dazed to argue, as Rodney pulls in him closer.

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	117. Conduct unbecoming an officer

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As the team sits around the cafeteria table listening John and Rodney tell them about San Francisco, Ronon smirks at their description of the poo tea. Why they ever thought he would like something like that is beyond him. But he can see they are happy. Actually, he's never seen John so happy; he's a changed man. The hardness and tension always held behind his surface smile is gone, like he's let go of a terrible burden.

"Yeah, well." Ronon laughs, "Sounds awful to me but Teyla likes that tea stuff."

"Did you guys see lots of hills with cars chasing each other?" Vala leans forward expectantly, "On Earth, I've noticed that when there's a movie in San Francisco, the cars are always chasing other down really steep hills."

Daniel turns to her with a withering expression, "Yes, Vala, I'm surprised they managed not to get hit by one. Since we've established that movies are a very accurate representation of what life on Earth is like."

"Okay, my question yesterday about vampires was totally valid." Vala raises a finger, "Don't tell me you haven't noticed a similarity between the Earth legends and the actual Wraith."

"No, I don't seem to recall reading anything in the Pegasus mission reports about the Wraith, um, what did you say happens to them in sunlight?

"Well they sparkle." Vala gestures with her hands in the air, "They get sparkly."

Ronon groans with the sudden realization of what Vala is referencing and sags his head down into his hand to cover his eyes. John had warned him about this when he and Jennifer started dating. Ronon used to like watching movies with John, they used to watch a lot of horror and monster movies together. But when he'd started dating Jennifer, John had taken him aside and explained the Earth custom how he would now be expected to watch other things -called 'chick flicks'.

When Jennifer told him she wanted to watch a movie about vampires he'd been excited. He hadn't braced himself properly for what sitting through this movie called 'Twilight' would be like. It was so bad that he couldn't help but laugh out loud. Usually sitting through one of these chick flicks meant he at least got to cuddle with Jennifer on the couch and she'd always be in the mood for sex afterwards. But she kept glaring at him every time he burst out laughing, telling him it was romantic and he was ruining it for her. No sex that night thanks to sparkly vampires.

Ronon lifts his head back out of his hand and shakes his head. "The Wraith are real monsters." He growls, "They don't sparkle or play bat-ball in the rain."

Rodney makes a disgusted sound, "Neither, for that matter, do real vampires. I can't believe one stupid movie is all it takes for to ruin vampires for everyone. Centuries of lore disregarded-"

"I'm sorry, Rodney" Daniel interrupts sarcastically, "Did you just say real vampires?"

Before Rodney can respond, John calls to Lorne as he passes by their table, "Hey there Lorne, how'd the mission go?"

Lorne looks at John with obvious discomfort, "Uh, fine, I guess. How was your trip to San Francisco?"

"Great, wanna sit down?" John invites him casually.

Giving John a once over, Lorne looks over at Rodney with distaste. "I think I'll take a pass."

Ronon leans forward and glares at him. He and Lorne have become friends over the last couple years and he's never known Lorne to be this rude.

"Is there a problem, Major?" John raises his eyebrows.

"I don't know if what they are saying is true." Lorne flits his eyes around the table with distrust. "But if there is a chance that's not, you should do something about it sooner than later... It could really affect team morale."

"What am missing here?" John looks at his team.

Lorne shifts his eyes uncomfortably to the floor, then looks at John like something had soured in his mouth, "Sir... conduct unbecoming an officer..."

.  
.

* * *

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.

John's face goes deathly still for a moment, then he smiles to cover up his rising panic, "Still not sure what you're talking about."

"Look, I'm not sure what's really going on here... I can just tell you what people, what the men are saying."

"And that is?" John's heart is beating too fast and he sure the blood is rushing to his face. All he can do right now is try his best to deny it.

"That you and Dr. McKay..." Lorne coughs. "They say you... I'm not even comfortable saying it, sir."

"Spit it out." Ronon growls.

With a low voice Lorne tells them, "That you're having sexual relations."

Here it is, the day he has been so afraid of. John's heart sinks and his hands tremble on the table. He hates himself for feeling so ashamed. Really, the only thing to do is resign quickly.

Vala's voice suddenly pierces the hushed air with laughter. She points at John then Rodney in disbelief, "You two... Oh my God. That is priceless. I'm trying to imagine it now."

"Michelson saw you... kissing in the kitchen late one night..." Lorne confesses.

"You have seen this?!" Ronon pounds his fist on the table.

"No. I, I didn't." Lorne admits.

The table sits in silence for a moment John feels bile rising in his throat.

Vala's voice rings out again in peals of laughter. She looks bite her lower lip as if she is trying to contain herself and bursts out again, hysterically laughing. "That's... Tha.. Oh, John."

She grabs his arm playfully from across the table, "Why didn't ever tell me? I'd be willing to try a threesome sometime."

Surprised she is trying to cover for him, John looks up at her.

"Just... Ah ha ha haaaaa." She giggles looking at Rodney, "Maybe we could start with Ronon instead."

"Wait," She looks up Lorne in amusement, "what about you Evan?", calling him by his first name.

"You like to join John and I for a, a" Vala's voice fights to hold the laughter back, she squeaks out, "a little romp?"

Then she collapses her head onto the table in a fit of laughter.

John lets himself breathe again for moment.

"I didn't assume it was true." Lorne frowns in confusion, "But... the way you're always together... I mean, it would be easy to see why people would think..."

"John," Vala lifts her head up with her eyes flashing with mischief, "is there something you haven't been telling me?"

John's mouth curls up on one side in a half smile, his eyes sparkle at Vala like they are sharing a secret. "I think I've shown you just about everything by now."

He manages to force a chuckle and looks up at Lorne, "But hey, feel free to share any new rumors, it's always amusing to hear what I've been up to."

Confused, Lorne looks over the Vala, "So you two?..."

Vala opens her mouth, but John lifts his hands not wanting to drag her into this any further, "I don't... really think that's anyone's business, do you? We wouldn't want to spreading any more rumors."

"I really don't mind." Vala smiles at John, "I mean, it's been a while. I don't think we need to keep it a secret anymore."

"If she says she doesn't mind..." John feels a swell of gratitude.

"Ah, no. No, sir. Sorry, if I offended you." Lorne sighs in relief, "I'm glad to hear that it's just a sick rumor. I was pretty upset to think something like that could be true."

"Yeah, well," John smirks coolly hiding his inner storm, "no offense taken."

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* * *

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Ronon has to resist the urge to reach up and strangle to Lorne. "I'm offended. On Setada when a man refuses to sit at your table, it is a great insult."

"Well..." Lorne clears his throat; "we don't take this kind of thing lightly in the Air Force. I don't know how you do things on Sateda, but we don't tolerate that kind of behavior here."

"Yeah, well, now I know not to tolerate sharing a table with you in the future." Ronon glowers with barely contained rage.

"Whoa. Hey, Chewie, relax. Water under the bridge." John says causally.

"Speak for yourself, Colonel." Rodney pipes up, folding his arms icily over his chest, "I'm definitely insulted. I mean, just the idea..." he gives John a condescending look, "that of all people I would choose... Sheppard? I think if I was playing for the other team, I could do better than that."

"Oh yeah?" Vala trails her hand on John's flirtatiously, "Who would you choose?"

"Well, anyone I wanted..." Rodney blusters, "I mean, how hard could it be?"

"So you're saying you could do better than me?" John snorts derisively at Rodney.

"Of course I could." Rodney sneers, "That wouldn't be hard."

"Oh yeah?" Feeling proud of his friends for protecting John, Ronon joins in the game with amusement, "How come you're still single, then?" he asks Rodney.

"I'm," Rodney glares at him, "I'm still getting over the whole thing with Jennifer, just, just... Besides, you don't know everything about my personal life. For all you know, I'm just too much of a ladies man to settle down."

"Right." Ronon forces out a belly laugh to relieve some of his tension, "That's the Rodney we all know."

"Poor Rodney." Vala makes a pouty face, "Well, if you get really lonely I'll ask John if you can-"

"Please." Rodney cuts her off, "Don't make me sick."

John makes a face at Vala like she has gone too far with a bad joke.

Wanting to put an end to this, Ronon looks up at Lorne, still holding his food tray at the head of the table. "Why are you still here?" he asks with overt hostility.

"Uh, yeah. I should..." Lorne backs away and walks to the far side of the cafeteria.

Once they are out of earshot, Daniel mutters, "Quite a performance."

"Thank you." Vala offers him a big toothy grin.

"I meant all three of you" Daniel points his fork at John and Rodney.

"I was just following her lead." John smiles gratefully at Vala.

"See, Daniel, I'm an inspiration." Vala beams, "My former life an actress has served me on so many occasions."

"You mean your former life as a con-artist?" Daniel offers.

"That was..." Rodney's arms are still folded tightly to his chest.

"Fucked up." Ronon growls.

"They're watching us." Vala narrows her eyes.

Ronon looks up across the room where Lorne is sitting with a bunch of military men.

"Is Michelson with them?" John's face is clearly nervous now and he seems frozen in place, unwilling or unable to look behind him.

"I don't know who that is." Ronon shrugs apologetically.

"Sorry, me either." Vala frowns, "But we should..."

She snakes both her hands across the table taking John's hands in hers. "Give them a bit more of a show." Making a sexy face at John, she glides the palm of her hand up against John's, guiding him to follow her example.

"I am..." Her voice gets low, "really good at making sultry faces... so I'll just keep talking..."

Vala bats her eyes coquettishly, "but since they can see my face, it will look like what you're saying to me is very, very dirty."

John unfreezes a little and gives a small smile "You really think he could do better than me?" he asks her humorously.

"Definitely not." Sighing with passion, Vala pulls John's hand up to her face and staring at him with fake longing.

"Aren't you overdoing it just a bit?" Daniel rolls his eyes.

"Oh, Daniel, you just don't understand our love. Nobody does, do they baby?"

John smiles in bemusement and just shakes his head.

Ronon shakes his head in astonishment at how good Vala's performance is.

"Now," Vala purrs to John, "I think we need a finale. I'm going to kiss your hand and let it go in moment." Vala makes a face as if John has just told her something to make her heart beat fast. "I'm going to stand up and get rid of my tray.

Now, when I come back, I want you to stand up too. Take me by the waist. Pull me in like you've been waiting for this your whole life. Kiss me in a way that will get everyone in this room talking. We leave the cafeteria together... End scene."

"Really?" John cocks his head to one side, "'Cause I-"

"Darling." Vala kisses his hand tenderly, "I just have throw away this refuse."

She nods at John as is he has told her something meaningful and stands up.

Ronon watches her amazement as she walks away. He narrows his eyes at the table of military guys across the room. They are watching her every move.

"Rodney," John whispers keeping his eyes downcast and seeming frozen again, "I can just resign-"

"John" Rodney cuts him off but doesn't look up either, "I'm so sorry." His voice is quiet and choked, "I don't want you to have to… I know you don't want to-"

"Guys" Ronon prompts them as he sees Vala walking back to the table, "She's almost back."

Rodney squeezes his arms tighter and looks over to John. They both look so tense and afraid. Somehow they have managed to move further apart from their side by side seats. Or maybe it just seems that way. Ronon can't believe how quickly everything has changed for them. That something so stupid could be allowed to cause them so much pain. He fights the urge to get up and beat the living crap out of every guy sitting at that table and staring at them.

John's eyes finally flash over to Rodney full of dread and uncertainty. Rodney lifts his chin stubbornly and nods at John.

Without speaking John's expression seems to be incredulous that Rodney is indicating his approval.

"I think you should do it." Rodney hisses through his teeth.

"Guys." Ronon tilts his head to indicate that Vala is behind John now.

John gives a single dazed nod and pushes himself up from the table. As he turns to face her, Vala gives him a smoldering look. John takes a step closer, reaching his arm behind her waist familiarly. The way he pulls her into him, their bodies seem to fit into each other comfortably. It looks very believable to Ronon. The two of them actually make a striking couple. Both of them are tall and lean with dark colored hair.

Then John moves in and brushes his lips onto Vala's for a moment. Suddenly he seems to be overtaken by a passionate urge and pulls her to him, giving her long, full tongued kiss.

As they part, Vala compliments him loud enough for Ronon to hear, "You're almost as good a kisser as I am."

She places a hand on John's face, "One more time." This time they give a sweet tender performance.

"Good" she directs him, "Now exit stage."

By the time the two of them leave room everyone in the cafeteria is watching.

"Whoa. I think that looked real enough." Ronon concludes.

"Thank you for that." Rodney makes a bitter face and sets his fork down, "For some reason I don't feel much like eating anymore. I think I'm going to go."

"Don't worry Rodney." Daniel reassures him, "Vala kisses everyone. She kissed me the first time I met her, well, after she tried to beat up...

Daniel wrinkles his brow, "She's a bit of a fruitcake, she does stuff like that without batting an eye. I say we go with it, not let her performance to go to waste."

"What, should so WE start kissing now?" Rodney asks Daniel sarcastically.

"No." Daniel blinks in annoyance, "I'm saying just stay at the table... The three of us laugh and talk as if it's the most normal thing in the world."

Ronon likes this plan and sidles up into the empty seat next to Daniel that Vala recently vacated. He forces out a big belly and slams his fists onto the table. Daniel and Rodney look up at him in shock and he realizes he may have put too much gusto into his act.

He laughs again more quietly, "That was one funny joke."

"Ha." Rodney erupts into a spontaneous bubble of genuine laughter, "I was just imagining a what a Satedan comedy troupe would be like."

Daniel snickers and puts a hand over his mouth, shaking his head.

"Comedy troupe?" Ronon wonders. "Is that military designation?"

Both Rodney and Daniel seem to find this hilarious suggestion and their laughter intensifies.

"Oh." Rodney giggles, "Ronon why don't you tell us that fine joke? A Satedan joke."

Wanting to do his part for the theatrical show Ronon thinks, "Very well. There is one about a Specialist who returns from battle to find his wife has remarried in his absence. He asks why she did this and she tells him that his Commandant told her that he died a year ago.

'Why would he do such a thing?!' The warrior demands. 'I don't know' she tells him, 'But you can ask him yourself when he comes home for dinner.'" Ronon grins and waits for a response.

"Wow." Daniel's eyes widen and he looks at Rodney.

Neither of them seem to get it, Ronon lifts a brow, "Well, it's military humor. Perhaps it doesn't translate."

"Oh, it, it translates." Rodney smirks, "It's just not very funny. But thank you Ronon, because you are making me laugh anyway, and it's better to laugh than to think about how my whole life is about to fall apart as soon as I get up from this table."

"No. It's funny." Ronon tries to explain, "If you knew the culture-"

"No." Rodney interrupts with a gale of laughter, "I really don't think it is, Ronon."

"You know," Daniel looks at Ronon apologetically, "every people, they have their strengths. For some it's the glory of battle, for others, the self-deprecating wit..."

"You don't think I'm funny?" Ronon challenges him.

"Um, No." Daniel glances at Rodney uneasily then back to Ronon, "I don't. Sorry?"

"Now the Canadians," Rodney lifts a finger, "we are a funny people. Not known for our prowess in battle but our humor and our intellect-"

"I've never once heard you tell a funny joke." Ronon protests, "How are you funnier than me?"

"Ah, no, you got me there. Not always intentional. But people do laugh at me. So… funny-ish." Rodney proposes.

Ronon nods in agreement, "People do laugh at you a lot. So, you're saying that counts even if you're just being an idiot?"

"Ah- I dunno." Daniel winces, "Cause when people think Rodney McKay, do they say, 'funny guy'? I don't see it."

"Well, I'm funnier than you anyway." Rodney sneers.

"How do you figure?" Daniel questions, "I mean, I get that you have all your little sarcastic barbs, but they aren't very well thought out, are they? It's more like you ramble out everything that comes to mind without a filter. Once in a while you hit the target but... Me? I'm a bit more selective, more dry and witty."

"Just because you say less, doesn't mean it's witty." Rodney argues back, "For instance, making a face and saying things like 'Wow.' or 'How do you figure.?' isn't dry humor. If anything it's just noncommittal. You don't openly criticize, so no one can call you on it, but you stand back, privately superior."

"I do not."

"Oh, you so do, my friend" Rodney says, pointing his fork at Daniel.

Ronon pounds his fists on the table again and roars with laughter. Startled, Rodney and Daniel look up at him in confusion.

"More laughing, less arguing about why none of us are funny." He grumbles. After a moment of silence, he asks, "So what's a comedy troupe?"

Rodney answers, "Ah, it's a group of funny people who get together... and do zany things... to make other people laugh."

"Okay." Ronon still doesn't see a connection.

"It's funny 'cause the Satedans are kind of serious and less prone to being zany." Rodney explains.

"We're only serious when we're fighting." Ronon frowns. "You've seen how we drink."

"That's different. You're... not a silly people." Rodney tells him. "You... have too much dignity for that."

"Dignity." Ronon accepts that answer.

"Yeah, here on Earth the was once a mighty people known as the Vikings that ruled over the seas and conquered much, much territory." Rodney tells him.

"They sound impressive." Ronon leans back in chair.

"They were."

Failing to see where Rodney is going with this, Ronon asks, "And what happened to them?".

"Well, their Empire fell eventually, but the descendants of these people are still around." Rodney adds, "There are plenty of them in Canada."

"Where you are from." Ronon prompts.

"Right."

"And?" He waits for Rodney to make a point.

"Well," Rodney mumbles through a mouthful of food, "they aren't very funny, there might be a connection there."

"What do you mean they aren't funny?" Daniel gives Rodney a skeptical look.

"Come on. Have you ever heard of a Swedish comedy toupe or, or a Swedish comedy... anything for that matter? Fundamentally they are not a funny people."

"And you have based your historical and cultural theories on what exactly?" Daniel demands.

"Name anything Scandinavian that's funny. Seriously, try to think of one thing." Rodney challenges.

Daniel opens his mouth and then closes it again, reflecting.

"See. Nothin'. They built some sound ships back in the day, but mentally, well, I don't think they are known for being the most creative-"

"Whoa." Daniel interrupts "When do this become about intellect?"

"Well, I didn't exactly say..." Rodney cocks his head, "Oh, oh, oh, I get it. You're Scandinavian."

"I am part Swedish, yes." Daniel confirms.

"You are descended from these great warriors?" Ronon asks Daniel.

"Yes."

Rodney twists his mouth, smirking at Daniel, "You don't say."

"Impressive." Ronon pats Daniel on the shoulder in appreciation.

Looking at Ronon, Daniel points a finger at Rodney "Did you hear that? He's trying to sound like me, now... I don't think he can pull it off, do you?"

Ronon pauses then shakes his head.

Folding his arms back to his chest defensively, Rodney asks, "Oh, yeah? How do you figure?"

"Yeaaah." Daniel gives him a studious expression, "I think you need a bit more dignity to pull off a Daniel-styled quip."

"So, now you admit that you do it." Rodney purses his lips.

"I didn't admit to anything." Daniel looks to Ronon innocently, "Did you hear me admit to anything?"

"I did not." Ronon smiles.

"So according to you two, I am neither funny, nor do I have dignity." Rodney glares.

"Well, when you put it that way..." Daniel makes a face.

Rodney narrows his eyes as Daniel continues talking, "Well, if we're talking"

Daniel gestures with his hands about a foot apart, "If we're talking, some sort of scale here, degrees... then I'd put you over on the funny-ish side."

"Ha." Rodney declares triumphantly to Ronon, "He admits I'm funnier than him."

"No." Daniel frowns, "Where do you get funn-ier? I said funny-ish."

"Well, I believe you were the one making claims about your dignity earlier. So logically it follows, if you have more dignity, then on the scale of fun than puts you..." Rodney points his thumb down and makes a deflated sputtering sound with his lips.

Ronon shakes his head in exasperation, "Right." He sets his palms down on the table in anticipation of standing up, "Great talk guys."

"You're leaving?" Rodney looks up at him with sudden fear in his eyes.

"No." Ronon stops, feeling guilty for momentarily forgetting how much Rodney probably needs him to be here right now. "Actually, I have nowhere better to be."

Relief washes over Rodney's face, "Thanks, um, I'm actually really freaked out right now. I mean, if someone's going to report John, he's going to lose everything and it will be my fault."

"We don't know anything for certain yet." Daniel interjects, "I mean, maybe with this little performance today, the rest of the guys will write off whatever Michelson told them."

"Who the hell is Michaelson?" Rodney complains.

"I don't know." Daniel answers.

"No idea." Ronon doesn't know yet, but he is going to make sure he finds out.

Rodney takes a big breath and then folds his head into his hands with a sigh, visibly distraught.

Ronon reaches across the table to gently shakes Rodney from his stupor, "Hey."

Lifting his head up, Rodney meets Ronon's gaze. "Right. Probably not the best time to act all morose. I just, what if he blames me and he doesn't forgive me? I mean if it hadn't been for me... If I had stayed away... What if this is the end of everything? Oh God."

"McKay." Ronon's keeps his voice low and steady, "Stop panicking. You know John would never blame you. He was ready to resign before… because he couldn't stand not being with you. Worse case scenario, we leave Atlantis."

"We?" Rodney asks.

"I'm not staying if they make John leave over this." Ronon states resolutely.

Rodney's mouth lifts up on one corner.

"Look," Daniel tells Rodney, "we will lie and make up whatever kind of cover story we need to. And if that doesn't work, all of us will stand up and fight with you. Dave's got clout with the IOA, I mean none of us will take this sitting down, you have allies."

"I should have been more careful." Rodney blinks sadly, "How could I have been so careless? If this doesn't blow up our faces, God, I promise I will be so, so careful."

"It's fucked up that you should even have to be." Ronon shoves his chair back and kicks at the table in irritation.

"Thanks..." Rodney nods with lowered eyes, "You... you guys are... thanks."

Ronon reaches across the table and gives Rodney an affectionate arm slap.

"You too." Daniel tells him, "And, all things considered, a funny guy."

Rodney's head still hangs a bit but he is smiling now.

"What do you say we all walk out of here together?" Ronon proposes.

"Sounds like a good way to end the scene. Come on, Rodney." Daniel urges.

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	118. The team rallies to protect them

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Standing up with them, Rodney looks up at Ronon in apprehension. Ronon nods in reassurance.

As they make their way out together Ronon spots a familiar face. The man gives Ronon a pensive look as they pass by. Ronon remembers his name now. Barrow. The guy John almost hooked up with. He turns around and locks eyes with the Lieutenant. The expression on the man's face is sympathetic and something else... He blinks at Ronon like he wants to say something.

"Hey" Ronon tells Daniel and Rodney, "You two, um, go ahead. I'll meet up with you in a minute."

Rodney looks anxiously at Ronon.

"Don't worry." He tells him "Where are you two headed?"

"We'll be at my place." Daniel tells him.

"I'll see you there soon," Ronon places a hand on Rodney's shoulder, "Okay?"

Rodney mutely nods and leaves with Daniel.

Straightening his shoulders, Ronon ambles over to Barrow, "Hey."

Barrow's eyes dart furtively to the doors, "I was thinking about going for a walk. It's getting kind of stuffy in here."

"Yeah." Ronon offers casually. "Good idea"

Barrow walks towards the door leading to the circuitous paths that snake around the city. Ronon waits a beat then slowly follows outside. They walk in silence together for a time to the outskirts of the city. Ronon has a feeling that this might take longer than he thought. But Daniel will look after Rodney.

Finally, Barrow speaks, "There's a guy who got transferred here when we got back to Earth, who's… pretty much been making my life a living hell. He-" Barrow glances at Ronon apprehensively, "He seems to have certain ideas about me..."

Suddenly looking self-conscious, Barrow stops.

Ronon thinks he knows where this is going, "Well, I'm a pretty safe person to talk to. I don't talk much. And I don't get ideas about people."

Nodding Barrow continues, "I didn't think I could say anything about it before since I don't want him spreading rumors about me. It'd just make me look worse if I reported him. And not just 'cause…" Barrow purses his lips in a grimace, "People think less of you if you can't handle stuff on your own or you rat someone out."

"What's going on?" Ronon's brows furrow in concern.

"Oh, it's not that bad." Barrow looks embarrassed, "I don't want to make a big deal about it, just some bruises and a cracked rib or two. I'll survive. He seems to target guys he thinks might be… you know? It's not just me."

"Michaelson." Ronon grunts.

"Yeah. He's the kind of guy that likes to push other people around."

Ronon chooses his words carefully. "Is he the kind of guy to file reports?"

"I don't know" Barrow shrugs into himself.

"So..." Ronon thinks, "He likes picking on people?"

"Yeah. Some of the enlisted men and Lieutenants like me. Guys he outranks."

"What if some of these other guys reported him too? Would it still make you look bad?"

Looking anxious, Barrow hesitates.

"Just theoretically." Ronon adds.

"Theoretically... If they were enough of us... Maybe."

"Is that why you're telling me?" Ronon asks."You want me to do something about this?"

"I just thought it might be useful information. For some of your friends to, you know, use or whatever." Barrow bites his lip.

"Sorry it's been going on so long." Ronon glares, "That's fucked up."

Barrow makes a sounds of disgust, "It'd be really great if he would just dissapear."

Ronon's eyes darken, "As in-"

"No, no." Barrow rears his head back, "Not that like that. Just off of Atlantis, you know."

"Gnrgh..." the sound growls in Ronon's throat. "You know who some of these other guys are? The ones he's targeting?"

"I can give you some names. I don't know, maybe if you talk to them, they can give you some more. The important thing is" Barrow peers up at Ronon, "ah, that it not look like you have a motive –if certain people wanted to protect their reputations."

"Right."

Barrow sighs with relief, digging a piece of paper out of his pocket, "This is everything I know." he hands it to Ronon.

"Thanks." Ronon regards him warmly, "Thanks for this."

Barrow smiles, more relaxed now, "Well, we've got to stick together, right?"

"Better that way." Ronon's eyes sparkle in agreement.

"Okay." Barrow exhales, "I'm going to go now. If you need anything else, you know where to find me."

After Barrow leaves, Ronon examines the paper. 8 names, that should be a good start.

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* * *

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.

Back in his quarters, John leans partly stooped with his hand against the wall staring at the floor. He gulps in quick lungfuls of air, but too fast. It is making him light headed.

"Right." Vala's hand keeps patting his back, "Just keep breathing. Sloooow breaths."

"Uh... maybe I should sit down." John nods dully. At that, he sinks to the floor. "Oh God."

"It's going to be okay." Vala sits down in front of him cross-legged, her eyes fierce with determination.

His stomach clenches up in a painful knot of dread and he drags his head wearily from side to side. "I don't think so... but it's real nice of you to..."

A swell of shame washes through John's body and he shudders involuntarily. He presses his head into his hands. And then suddenly he is gripped by a deep sense of remorse that he could let all of this make him feel so ashamed. It is as if he has betrayed Rodney by allowing the flush of self-hatred to rise to his cheeks.

"Fuck." John chokes the words out. "I'm fucking... I'm so fucked."

He wishes Rodney was with him. Rodney needs him right now, John is sure of it. If John is panicking, Rodney is definitely panicking. His stomach clenches again in tension. No, it's better that Rodney not see him so weak. Just the idea of everyone talking about him... it's like living out an nightmare from the past... making old memories painful again.

If Rodney saw him like this he'd hate John for being such a coward. And he could never ask Rodney to leave with him or resign his position here; he's always loved his work so much. Already, Rodney has sacrificed his dream of getting married and having kids... It's just too much knowing he has so little to offer the man he loves and doesn't really deserve.

How he has dreaded the day that Rodney is bound to realize this too. John swallows hard at the knot in his throat knowing he may have just lost Rodney forever.

"John, we can fix this." Vala sounds confident, "We'll do some damage control-"

"Ugh." John winces. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but if the men are talking about this, I've already lost their respect. I can't..."

"How could I have been so careless?" John shakes his head bitterly.

"I get it. It's an image thing. But I'm a fixer, a master of illusions", Vala smiles with self-assurance, "I've spent a good deal of my life relying on my wit, charm, and natural talent for deception."

She lifts a finger, "The worst thing you can do is give up, it makes you look guilty. No matter how true something is, you can make it look like a lie if you try hard enough."

"That so?" John smiles weakly.

"It absolutely is. Look, at this point you have nothing to lose, right?"

John lifts a brow. _Just everything that matters. Just Rodney._

Trying to keep his face impassive he answers irreverently, "Maybe what's left of my dignity."

"Like I said, nothing to lose." Vala looks around the room. "This place is a lot bigger than mine... Okay, so we move in together."

"What?"

"Officially." Vala clarifies, "We move in together, that's what couples do, right?"

"You... want to move in with me?" John is stunned.

"Look, sweetheart, I never said it would be easy. But if you want to keep your image, we've got to pull out all the stops."

"Uh... Rodney..."John's mouth is dry and his breath is shallow. He tries to wrap his head around the idea. How could he possibly ask Rodney to lie anymore than he has already been forced to?

"We'll figure the details out later. Right now, you and I play the part of a happy couple in love. I'm good with theatrics. You just need to follow my lead. Trust me?"

John remembers how freaked out he'd been when he heard that Vala, someone he barely knew, was aware of he and Rodney's relationship. Now she is willing to stick her tongue down his throat and live with him to cover up his secret.

Realizing he has left her question unanswered John nods, "Um, Yeah." He does trust her.

"Then leave the details to me." Vala's mouth spreads into one of her wide grins, We'll sort this out... A three-pronged attack..." She drums her fingers in thought. "Yep. That's definitely what we're going to need for a situation like this."

"Three... pronged?"

"Yes. Our 'relationship' will be just the first..." Vala trails off.

"Of three?" John prompts.

"Well, of course, because three is better than two. And, well, one is never enough."

"So..." John puzzles "What are the other-"

"Prongs? I don't know yet." She narrows her eyes conspiratorially at him, "But it will be brilliant."

.

.

* * *

.  
.

When Daniel arrives at Vala's quarters to hear more about her master plan, everyone else is already there. As it turns out, she still doesn't have much of one yet. Other than propping up her illusion of a fake relationship with John by moving them in together. Rodney has made her aware that he installed a panel door between his and John's quarters. So it should be easy enough for Vala to take over John's room in order to maintain the charade.

For some reason, she is quite insistent about this idea of a three-pronged attack.

"Why three?" Daniel asks again.

She throws her hands up in in the air, "I don't know Daniel, if you can come up with more, we'll do that too. Right now all we need is three."

"What's the first one?" Ronon frowns.

"John and I become an item and move in together, keep up Chewie."

What's two?" Carson asks.

"I have a plan about that but it may be a little tricky." Vala waves her hand dramatically.

"How tricky?" John looks worried.

"Since there are 8 big suites in your section, I think we should try to force Woolsey's hand to give them to his senior team members. It will look like a team... thing. One big happy family." Vala finishes her proposal with one of her characteristic and expectant grins as she looks around the room.

"This helps us how?" Rodney sounds as confused as Daniel is.

"Trust me it will help. There's strength in numbers. We band together and have more privacy. And less people will be focusing on the fact that your quarters and John's are right next to each other."

Carson pipes up, "If it means getting out of my wee quarters, I'm willing to make the sacrifice."

"Hmm, bigger rooms for everyone, I'm up for it." Daniel blinks in amusement, "How exactly is Woolsey going to go for this?"

Waving her hand dismissively, Vala disregards the question, "leave that to me."

Ronon and Jennifer exchange a look and she speaks up, "Actually, Ronon and I were planning to..."

"Move in together." Ronon finishes.

"So, perfect time to make a switch?" Vala volunteers.

"Definitely." Jennifer smiles at Ronon.

All eyes turn to Teyla, "Of course, anything to help." She nods as if she is trying to figure something out mentally, "We'll make it work somehow... I only wish the Ancestors had designed larger quarters. Kanan and I's suite is already larger than these rooms. But with a small child," she smiles and sighs, "it can be quite challenging.

Rodney lifts his finger, "But if we put two of them together it would be bigger than where you are. I could build a panel door linking rooms like I did with mine and John's."

"Really?" Teyla looks impressed, "would that be hard?"

"For me?" Rodney gives a boastful tut, "I mean, the first time there was some trail and error involved, but give me a day and I could easily do it again."

"Yes" Jennifer brightens, "Ronon and I don't need two rooms, but we could request separate quarters and you could use the other one. I'd get to babysit Torren more often and it would be great."

"And more Athosian," Teyla smiles warmly, "My people are accustomed to a more communal way of living."

"Assuming that Woolsey goes for it." John adds in a doubtful tone.

"Of course he will." Vala sounds confident as always, "Now we just need a third prong..."

"Still haven't thought of that one yet?" Daniel can't stop himself from teasing her.

"It's been 15 minutes since the last time you asked." She rolls her eyes at him. "So-"

"I have something." Ronon speaks up, "This guy, Captain Michelson. He's been making life miserable for a lot of people here since we got to Earth. Harassing, beating guys up. I've been looking into stuff privately and I've got at least 17 who are willing to come forward –if the rest of the group is. We just gotta be careful this doesn't get linked to Sheppard."

"Really?" John looks incredulous.

Clapping her hands Vala proclaims, "And there we have it, the final...prong, or whatever.

"I could be the one to bring this to Woolsey's attention." Carson offers, "If they were to make medical reports about the attacks, it would be a good way to go about it without involving John."

Daniel gives Vala a sidelong glance impressed that she has actually patched together her three-pronged attack. This might just work if they can put it into motion before the gossip about John and Rodney reaches Woolsey or any ranking military personnel.

She certainly has a knack for getting what she wants. Over the years he's found her indomitable enthusiasm and refusal to take no for an answer equally tiring and hard to resist.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

A few days later, while John is helping everyone get settled in their new quarters, he gets a call to Woolsey's office to discuss a disciplinary action against one of his officers. Woolsey hands him a pile of reports. Just leafing through them they look pretty grim and any guilt John may have felt about orchestrating Michelson's downfall is assuaged. This guy should be forced to resign...

Woolsey speaks up, "I just wanted to make sure that you were in support of expelling this Captain Michelson from Atlantis. I don't think this kind of person has any business being here."

John shakes his head as he reads through more paperwork "Atlantis is no place for people who abuse their power and authority."

He throws the files on the desk with disgust, "How long has this been going on?"

"Since he arrived 6 months ago." Woolsey's mouth twists into a tight expression.

"They should have come to me." John wishes they had. Not even Barrow had come to him. The fact that no one did says something about how intensely homophobic the military is.

"Well," Woolsey answers as if he thinks he is an authority on the matter, "Sometimes when someone in the military is the perpetrator, it can be hard to confide in the same institution for accountability."

"At least it's finally come to light," John makes a winced smile.

"There will be military investigation of course," Woolsey tells him, "It's hard to know how these things will work out in the end, but at least I can say that he won't be returning to Atlantis."

"Listen John," Woolsey looks uncomfortable, "there is another reason I asked you to come here today."

"Oh?" John tries to sound nonchalant.

"Well, with this crack down on harassment, it's very important that none of our senior staff be in a position where their power could be used to coerce..."

"Ahh." John knows where this is going, "Theoretically, if I were to become involved with a certain female member of my team, it could be seen as-"

Woolsey interjects, "if that person is not a member of the military personnel, it is not technically prohibited. But the IOA feels that any relationships of this nature should be fully disclosed.

John spies 4 disclose forms on Woolsey's desk, One signed by Ronon, one by Jennifer, and one by Vala. The blank one is for himself he supposes.

"That one for me?" John points to the empty form.

"Yes." Woolsey looks mildly embarrassed that he has left the relationship disclosure forms on display and shuffles the other three into a drawer. "I suppose it's only natural when you spend time working with someone..."

John picks up a pen and briefly scans the disclosure form. He signs it and hands it back to Woolsey. _What's one more lie at this point?_ Vala's plan may have rescued he and Rodney this time, but he has to make sure there is no next time.

.  
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	119. Oma's instructions

.

.

With a small bite into his lower lip, Rodney tries to keep his mind on getting prepped for the mission but inside he is storming. It's not like its real, it's just watching John and Vala together sometimes gets under his skin. She has this way about her, like she is trying to keep a secret of her familiarity with John, while managing to make it obvious to everyone around her what she is trying to conceal. Her hands always seem to find an excuse to linger on him.

Even walking into the briefing room earlier, she had been sitting on John's lap. As Rodney, Woolsey, and the others walked in, she had looked guilty, like she had been caught doing something naughty, quickly jumping up and finding her own seat.

As he secures his tactical gear Rodney frowns and fumbles with a latch. Sure, he should be grateful at how much effort she's put into camping up her role. Everyone on Atlantis certainly believes that she and John are shacking up, an item, whatever you want to call it. Just, it looks so real that Rodney can't help but feel jealous.

Glancing over at John, Rodney feels a sad ache in his chest. It'll feel better once they gate off-world, stepping back into their familiar team roles without worrying about people on Atlantis whispering about them. This time it will just be the 5 of them with no geologists to look after.  
Missions have gotten to be pretty routine these days. No Wraith to deal with. Just that one time they took out a minor Goa'uld hiding on a peripheral moon. Their last mission had gotten a little hostile when the locals brandished bows and arrows. But Daniel had talked them down and Rodney's ass was saved from any injury.

Rodney sighs, it's not even the little things that bother him so much. It's the time he doesn't get to spend with John. The time they used to have together. At night, they still share Rodney's quarters, so they have those private hours to themselves. But days are different now, they are often apart. Even when they were just friends it was never like this. Watching John so close all day, yet hardly saying a word…

Seeing him with Vala, holding hands and walking together on off hours, it hurts Rodney's soul, cuts deep with something cold. Cold and bitter that he doesn't have the freedom to be with John that way.

Realizing that Daniel has been talking to him, Rodney looks up in distraction, "Huh?"

"That's what gave me the idea that the temple of the 4 great races may have other chambers or technology we've overlooked. After I finished cataloguing the library last month, I'm fairly certain there's more to it. What I've been able to translate indicates that it wasn't simply a repository, but once the seat of great power."

John looks their way, "Power is good. Maybe another ZPM that isn't nearly dead."

"So?" Daniel looks to Rodney expectantly, "You coming with me to Janus's lab?"

"Right." Rodney secures his gun.

"See you guys in the Gateroom." John nods in their direction.

With no idea why he is joining Daniel on this detour, Rodney follows behind. As he hits the harmonic resonance triggers that open the normally solid wall he finds Daniel already rifling through some of the storage bins.

"What are you looking for?" Rodney leans over to catch a peek.

"Egg-like thing," Daniel lifts his hands to make a small oval shape, "about so big... blue. You seen it?"

"Um, yeah... I think..." Rodney opens a container of cataloged items on the far side of the room, "I think I saw that..."

"Yep." Rodney holds it up anticlimactically. "Here it is."

"Careful! Just, careful with that one. I'll take it from here." Daniel holds out a piece of cloth and cautiously folds it around the blue object.

"What, you think it's dangerous?" Rodney rubs his palms together, "It wasn't giving off any energy readings."

"On it's own, no. I just don't want to risk breaking it. If I'm right about what it does, it would be dangerous to plug in a faulty device."

"As in... plug into the temple somewhere?"

"That's the plan." Daniel grins.

Rodney rolls his eyes ."And you are basing this idea on what exactly?"

"Oh. I don't know," Daniel answers brusquely, "thousands of years of archeological history... it reminds me of a device I've seen in some of the ruins of Hathor's temple. Look, we know that the Goa'uld were scavengers of Ancient technology. I have a feeling that this egg is something that the Goa'uld may have come across before but just didn't know how to use it."

"Yet somehow you do?"

"I don't know." Daniel shakes a finger, "Maybe. If the temple drawing on Earth represents this object. I think, I think we might be able to activate it and find out what it is."

"I see. So you once saw a circle in a tomb, therefore the blue egg must fit somewhere?" Rodney asks sarcastically.

"Guess we'll see." Daniel makes a face as the two of them walk to the gate room.

Vala, Ronon, and John are all ready to go by the time they arrive.

"Come on boys! Snap to it, we don't have all day." Vala chides.

"Daniel didn't want to leave without his..." Rodney lifts his brows. "egg"

"An egg. Really, Daniel?" Vala's tone is lightly mocking.

Ignorings her taunts, as he often does, Daniel asks, "So we sure the traps are powered down this time?"

"ZPM's still in there," John nods, "but the systems are powered down. If there was anything else we should have found it already."

"Ah!" Rodney lifts his finger humorously, "But this time we have an egg."

Ronon furrows his brow, "How is an egg going to make a difference?"

Shrugging, Rodney answers with a serious face, "Daniel likes protein rich snacks to help him concentrate. Me? I just eat my powerbar and get on with the task at hand -"

"You ready to go yet, Rodney?" Daniel cuts him off, "Or you wanna keep telling us that exciting story about your powerbar?"

"I'm ready whenever you are." Rodney smirks as he catches Ronon's puzzled expression.

"Let's head out." John tells the group.

They make it to the temple site without incident. John still has them cautiously move around the ridge. "Rodney?"

 _Translation, See anything I should be worried about?'_

Rodney checks his sensors again and assures John, "Nothing here. We should be able to walk right up to the rings."

John nods his head forward and the rest of the team follows, walking the once treacherous path with ease. After taking the rings down to the lower chamber, Rodney helps Daniel with his calculations of the interior space. Surprisingly, he finds that Daniel is correct, there is more to the interior than they were previously able to access.

"Yeah, There should be another room here, maybe another level." Rodney admits.

"Like I said, there's a missing floor in between." Daniel says in exasperation.

"So how do we get in?" Vala asks.

"I think...", Daniel pulls the blue egg-shaped object out of his pack, no longer opaque, it seems to have a pale glow. "this might help."

Holding it up, the object casts a soft light across the stone walls. When nothing happens, so Daniel begins walking closer holding up the blue object to see if it illuminates anything unusual.

"The vacant space is behind this wall." Rodney calls from across the room. "this is where we should be looking."

"Yeah, just hold on." Daniel takes his time, bending down to the seam where the walls meet the floor. "I got something here."

The others scurry to see what has captured Daniel's interest.

One of the glyphs is glowing more brightly than the others. "It's the Asgard symbol for peace." Daniel informs them.

"My guess is there are 4 symbols that need to be activated, one on each wall..." He leaps to his feet and begins inspecting the wall with Ancient symbols. Halfway through he exclaims, "Got it! The Ancient word for peace, it's glowing too. Now, if I only spoke Nox or Furling..."

The four of them watch as Daniel painstakingly seeks out the other glyphs on the walls. He theorizes that they may need to be activated in a certain order, perhaps by the date each race joined the alliance.

"No." John rubs his chin and he narrows his eye humorously at Rodney "That doesn't sound very Ancienty"

Rodney smiles but says nothing to correct his grammar.

"Aren't they all about equality and balance and stuff?" John continues.

"Of course!" Rodney understands where John is going with this, "They would have activated it when all members were present. We have to activate them simultaneously."

"That would make sense." Daniel nods, "Yes, yes. Everyone take a wall, if you don't remember where the glyph is I'll come and-"

The rumbling sound of the Naquada reinforced masonry fills the chamber as the far wall lifts to reveal a small antechamber with curving stairs. Daniel starts up the stairs in excitement.

"Jackson." John calls after him, "Wait for the rest of the team."

"Then get up here!" Daniel calls down, "You have got to see this. It- it's very similar to the reliefs from Hathor's temple. There's an alter or a cradle-shaped mechanism just like the one in the reliefs I studied."

As the rest of the team climbs into the chamber, they examine Daniel's find.

"Rodney." John's tone instructs him.

 _Translation, 'Check out this contraption before Daniel does something stupid and activates it.'_

It seems to be Ancient in design, but it predates a lot of the other Ancient tech Rodney's seen. He examines a control panel. Whatever this is, its energy signature is negligible for now. He'd be surprised if it still works.

"Seems to be safe." He nods to John.

Ronon kicks at some equipment against the wall, "This looks kinda familiar"

"Hey, hey!" Careful with that stuff." Rodney races over to save the antiquated equipment from Ronon's attack.

"Oh." He recognizes the machine. Over his shoulder he tells John, "It's one of those Ascension contraptions."

"Just what we needed." John grimaces.

Vala starts to step up onto the platform and Rodney pulls her away clumsily, "No-no-no-no. Unless you want to die, stay off of this one."

"Okay Romeo," Vala blinks at him, "you can let me go now."

Rodney makes a face that betrays a little of the bitterness he has begun to feel towards her and turns to watch Daniel as he attempts to set the egg into the cradle. It stays upright with a clicking noise and a low pleasant hum rings through the room. The glyphs along the wall begin to light up in sequences, as if they are running through some kind of code.

"Rodney?" John asks in a leery tone.

 _Translation: 'Figure out what's going on here before something goes wrong.'_

"The power fluctuations are still minimal." Rodney puzzles over his readings.

"What does it mean?" Ronon asks Daniel.

"I- I, it's moving to fast, I don't read some of the languages... The great alliance... It's a history of the 4 galaxies... And the birth of the new... Power that is meant to link all… save all life."

"Power?" John's ears seem to prick, "What kind of power?"

"Hold on..." Daniel tells them, "It's too fast. The fate of the Furlings, to defeat the Sekkari threat... they, they, tried to achieve immortality without spiritual understanding... without inner peace one cannot... Okay I can't read this, it's in Furling now."

Examining the cradle-like disk that holds the blue egg in place, Daniel murmurs, "The seat of great power."

"What is?" Rodney asks.

"That's what it says here 'The Seat of Great Power'" Daniel explains.

"Does it bother to say what kind of power?" John asks.

"No. it..." Daniel blinks up at them, his eyes wander back to the walls where blue languages flit across the stones lighting up the glyphs in changing patterns "No... but, the seed. That's what this is. The seed can be used to create or destroy life..."

"There's something else..." Daniel squints, "Beware... I don't know this word... more warnings... walk the path of peace and find enlightenment."

Then Daniel stumbles back away from the wall…

Rodney stares up at the section of wall that holds Daniel's attention. In Ancient it spells out phonetic symbols that sound out the name 'D-A-N-I-E-L'. The lights stays steady, not moving across the walls anymore.

"What?" he mutters in debelief.

"Hello?" Daniel asks. "Is there an intelligence here?"

The light shifts. 'I-A-M-H-E-R-E.'

"What's it say now?" Vala leans into Daniel.

"We aren't alone here." Daniel states with some trepidation.

"Rodney?"

 _Translation: "Explain what the hell is going on here.'_

Rodney gapes at the glyphs on the wall that now spell out the name 'J-O-H-N'; He glances at the man he loves, keeping his response distant and professional. "Ah, Sheppard? It's saying your name."

John nudges his rifle in Daniel's direction, "Ask it about the power source."

'Y-O-U-H-A-V-E-A-L-R-E-AD-Y-F-O-U-N-D-S-O-U-R-C-E-O-F-P-O-W-E-R'

"Right, right." Rodney is impatient, "Now that we have it, what are we supposed to do with it?"

'W-A-I-T'

"Wait? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Daniel asks.

'F-O-R-R-I-G-H-T-T-I-M-E-T-O-U-S-E-I-T'

"We don't even know-"

Daniel cuts Rodney off. "Rodney." He points to the egg. It has changed color, from blue to red.

"We're not talking to a machine are we?" Daniel looks around the room, "Why don't you just show yourself? Tell us what you want us to do?"

A small point of light appears in the middle of the room and expands outward into glowy tendrils. Within the white shape, a face of a woman takes form.

"Oma." Daniel states.

"Yes, Daniel, it is me." The entity answers, "I wanted you to bring the seed without my direct interference."

"I always appreciate the cryptic nature of your information." Daniel says with a smile of frustration.

"The seed has been activated." Oma continues, "It has the power to defeat an enemy that is emerging. It's can only be entrusted to you, Daniel."

John speaks up, "The military keeps -"

"It will need to be delivered from the upper atmosphere, only then can it plant firm as a seed in the planet."

Oma turns to the Ascension machine and swirls her tendrils around it, "This must also be kept safe by one named Teyla."

"That thing?" Rodney complains. "It doesn't even work properly, just another dead-end Ancient experiment gone bad."

"It works properly, when used at the right time." She turns to face Daniel, "Do you trust me, Daniel?"

"I-I think so?"

"Then let me take this for safe keeping." She says.

"Would we even be able to stop you?" Ronon asks.

Folding herself around the machine, her shimmery form envelopes it, disappearing with the machine.

"Whoa." Ronon stares at the wall where she dematerialized. "That was weird."

"Yeaaah." Daniel drawls, "Ancients are always weird."

.  
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	120. Rodney's jealousy gets the better of him

.  
.

"Hmm?" Daniel looks up from his console, annoyed that Rodney won't take the hint and change the subject.

"All I said was," Rodney repeats himself, "You guys used to hang out a lot together."

"Yeahhh." Daniel gives him a pithy look, "Well, we've been working together for a while now.

"It's weird isn't it," Rodney muses, "Even if you thought you'd have nothing in common at first, you end up spending most of your off hours with the people you work with."

"Yep. Pretty weird." Though he feigns disinterest, when Daniel hears his own voice, it sounds strained.

"Anything you want to talk about?" Rodney offers.

"Nope."

Rodney sighs and looks down glumly, "I don't like it either. She's always touching him, just always..."

Taking note of Rodney's pained expression Daniel turns in his chair and finally gives him his attention, "Sorry. Must be hard to... to watch them together."

"Just, I wish it was… me." Rodney admits sadly. "I hate all this hiding and lying. Waiting in the shadows. And I can't say anything to John, it would just make it harder for him. Not that it's his fault -but I'm pretty miserable."

"Yeah." Daniel agrees. "I know the feeling."

"You do?"

"Well, not exactly. But I mean, with Vala, I just got so used to her being around; calling me 'her Daniel', flirting in her meaningless way. Now that she's with John all the time it's kind of like I lost my best bud."

Sharply looking up at Rodney, Daniel adds, "Don't ever tell her I said that. I'd never hear the end of it."

"Course not." Rodney pauses for a moment. "You ever think sometimes there's more to it?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Daniel blinks at Rodney dryly.

"Um," Rodney shrugs, "just sometimes people use humor to hide behind... I mean, if you had deeper feelings for her-"

"What?!" Daniel sputters, "No. Not in a million years would I... she's the last person -I mean, there isn't a sincere bone in her body. Admittedly, a very hot body..." he shakes his head in exasperation, "Just. No."

"Fine. I just thought you seemed-"

"What?" Daniel interrupts.

"Bothered." Rodney tilts his head in a condescending way, "That's all. Just bothered by seeing her with someone else."

"I'm not bothered, I'm just..." Daniel makes a disgruntled noise, "I just miss her a little."

"Okay." Rodney doesn't sound convinced.

"What do you mean, 'okay'."

"Nothing. Just what I said. Only..."

"Only..." Daniel prompts.

"So, I hate this whole charade thing," Rodney's mouth twists down on one side, "but I wouldn't go so far as to say she can't be sincere. What she's doing for John, I don't think it's because there's a payoff for her. I think she cares what happens to us."

"Well, that's different." Daniel has to admit to himself that she has changed, proven herself over time, "I'd just never trust her with anything as important as my heart."

"So you've thought about it?"

"Ummm", Daniel backpedals, "just that I would never do it."

"But you have thought about it." Rodney smiles with a glint in his eye.

"Of course I have." Daniel returns to his work absently, "You've seen the way she flirts with me. But to her it's just a game."

"Sure," Rodney smirks, "better just to pine away."

"There is no pining going on here." Daniel points to his face, "Does this look like someone pining?"

Rodney lifts his shoulders, "Maybe just a little bit."

Daniel rolls his eyes, "Not pining."

"Okay. Whatever you say."

"The only reason she acts that way is because she likes trying to get a rise out of me. She knows it's wrong in every way and that's why she finds it so amusing. It's like," Daniel mimics Vala's sultry accent, "'Oh, Daniel, he's so serious. I'm going to joke around about us having sex just to try to make him uncomfortable'."

Shaking his head in disgust he adds, "Since my wife died, there hasn't been anyone that I've come close to having feelings for, but if I was ever to… she'd be last on my list."

Rodney gives him a wide eyed-eyed and overly dramatic look, "Guess you've given it a lot of thought."

"Well, when someone is constantly coming on to you, it's kinda hard not to." Daniel justifies himself in a harsh tone.

"Still, you obviously care about her." Rodney drops his joking manner, "as a friend, at least."

Daniel sighs and answers ambivalently, "Yeah, sure I do. I've gotten used to having her around." Then he finds himself admitting more, "It feels... strange, empty now without her... constant chatter."

"This sucks." Rodney makes a dissatisfied grunt and sinks his chin into his hands.

"Well, you still have me, Rodney." Daniel teases.

Rodney bursts out laughing. "Sometimes I just have absurd thoughts, and they make me think" Rodney chuckles into his hand, "What if you and I suddenly started parading around the station like a couple."

"Oh." Rodney dissolves into a fit of laughter, "How hard would that fuck with them?"

Daniel looks at Rodney with distaste, "For the last time, Rodney. I'm not kissing you."

"You should be so lucky. No, actually... what if you kissed someone else? Just to see Vala's reaction. Maybe she wouldn't like the shoe being on the other foot."

"I'm too old to play games." Daniel groans.

"Humor me. Other than Vala and myself, who on this station would you most like to kiss?"

"Oh. I don't know." Daniel exhales sarcastically, "I mean, obviously you picked my top two..."

"Obviously."

"Dr. Merricot, maybe?"

Rodney frowns, "You mean the one with the long, dark hair... kinda looks like Vala?"

"No, she doesn't." Daniel shakes his head, thinking about it, "Not really."

"I'm hatching a plan." Rodney announces.

"Don't bother." Daniel returns his attention to the console.

"This is for my benefit too... What if you ask to go on a double date... Set me up with one of her friends. Doesn't matter who. Then we show up to game night and put on a performance of our own."

Daniel screws up his face. "And why would we do that?"

"I'm sick of them having all the fun." Rodney answers petulantly.

"Okay, that's sounds… Well, petty?"

"Well," Rodney twists his mouth, "I'm a petty person. Never said I wasn't."

Remembering an argument they had just yesterday, Daniel reminds him, "Actually, you said-"

"Don't argue with me, Daniel. I'm feeling jealous and short tempered and you don't want to test me."

"Fair enough." Daniel concedes, not wanting to hear another one of Rodney's ridiculous tirades.

"Come on, let's do this." Rodney argues, "Worst case scenario you have a bad date for a night."

"Have you considered that she might say no?" Daniel actually finds himself wondering why he's never bothered to ask the pretty doctor out before.

"It's not like I'll be asking. Woman like you." Rodney assures him, "Don't push the double date, the idea of one of her friends having to go out with me might turn her off to the whole idea. But I think your chances are good."

"I don't know." Daniel doesn't like the sound of Rodney's scheme, "It all sounds really-"

"Look, it's not like you and Vala are together. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong."

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* * *

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As they walk towards the empty lab that has been converted into a game room, Rodney feels a twinge of guilt at bringing Sara as his date for the night. Not enough to stop him from going through with it though. He just wants John to feel what it's like. Just for a moment he wants John to burn with jealousy the way he does.

This game room has become a private hangout for the group of them, a place they can unwind and all just be themselves, no subterfuge is needed. A place where normally he, not Vala, would sit next to John.

Daniel leads the way in with Dr. Merricot, "Everyone, this is Lucy."

Rodney waves cheerfully stepping up behind him. "And this is Sara."

Lucy smiles as Daniel makes introductions, "Over there on the couch, with the baby, that's Teyla. Around the table we've got Carson, John, Ronon, Jennifer, and Vala"

"Lovely to meet you all" Lucy glows.

Sara's shoulder length brown hair bobs in excitement around her pretty cherubic face, "Once I found out it was a game night, I couldn't say no to the date."

She smiles flirtatiously at Rodney and he holds her eyes long enough to give the impression he is being flirtatious.

"Um, yeah." John clears his throat, "We'll just pull up a few more chairs." He pats the empty seat next to him, "Maybe, Ronon, if you guys slide over this way..."

Ronon shuffles over to the seat next to John, his eyes fiercely narrowed at Rodney. Jennifer and Vala move as well.

To avoid Ronon's glare, Rodney joins Daniel in retrieving some extra chairs. As he makes room at the table, Rodney looks up to gage Vala's reaction. She is smiling, but her teeth seem slightly clenched together and her face betrays some tension. He isn't sure if he dares to look at John.

Poor Sara, she has no idea what she has gotten herself into. She sits next to Rodney, bubbly and eager, asking him questions about himself. To play the game he started, Rodney keeps his eyes fixated on her, asking her questions about herself and hanging on her every word as if it is the most interesting thing he's ever heard.

The longer it goes on, the more afraid he feels to see John's reaction. He feels wicked, but good, in a twisted kind of way; like he is getting away with something devious, getting one over on John. He's always liked beating John when it comes to games.

Teyla announces that they are planning to play charades tonight and asks who wants to be on her team. Sara and Lucy seem to gravitate toward the baby on the couch, so Rodney and Daniel join them. There isn't enough room for all of them, so Rodney pulls a chair to the end of the couch near Sara.

As the game progresses, in its usual fashion, Rodney can't help but notice that Sara and Lucy don't laugh much at the coarse humor the rest of them enjoy. They hover on either side of Teyla, cooing over Torren and how cute he is.

A lot of the phrases tonight seem like they have a gay theme. Rodney wonders if that is intentional, as he mimes out the term 'glory hole'. Sara's eyes are wide in shock as he grasps in imaginary hard-on and shoves it in a hole. Then he holds up a finger and gets on the opposite side on the 'wall' and emulates sucking on his knees.

"Oh, my." Sara exclaims.

Daniel gets it right away, "Glory hole!"

Rodney nods, as he stands up, he sees John laughing with a glint in his eye. That was probably his doing.

Unsurprisingly, Rodney's team loses the round. Sara and Lucy opt out of playing a second, content instead to talk to Teyla.

"Fine," Vala glares over at the couch with obvious irritation. "We'll do smaller teams."

"You know, what?" Daniel tells her, "Just go ahead without us, I think we're more in the mood to talk."

Lucy smiles at Daniel happily and Vala's smile widens with her teeth still clenched, "Fine. poker, anyone?"

The winning team gathers around the table, while Rodney and Daniel join in the girl talk.

As the night progresses, Sara gushes loudly about how much she loves children and can't wait to have them. "I mean, I really like the work I'm doing here, but I don't see myself staying for too much longer. What I really want is to get married and settle down."

"I know what you mean." Rodney gazes at her warmly, "Me too."

The sound of choking behind him causes Rodney to turn his head. John is coughing on his beer.

"Uh, swallowed wrong" he mumbles."Just..." John holds up a finger telling the table, "Give me a minute." He stands up and walks to the door. Vala follows behind him.

"Yeah" Ronon stands as well. "Good time for a piss break." He walks around the table the long way and stumbles on Rodney's leg, kicking it painfully.

"Ow! That hurt." Rodney exclaims.

"Oh? Whoops." Ronon mumbles unapologetically.

Carson and Jennifer remain at the table looking at Rodney tensely. He turns his back to them and gives his attention to Sara instead. She is holding the baby now and bouncing him on her knee.

"You know I'm surprised to hear you say that, Rodney." Sara looks at him quizzically, "I mean you always seem so focused on your career."

"I am. But that doesn't mean I don't want the same things everyone else does. To settle down with the right person and build a life, have a family." Rodney tries to play the part of the interested date without lying too much. Those are things he wants after all, just not with her.

And then Rodney hears John cough again. Looking up he sees John still in the room, standing in the doorway with Vala and Ronon.

"You know what?" John smiles tightly, "You guys go ahead without me, I'm pretty beat, gonna call it a night."

"I'll head out with you." Ronon nods.

"No, no. Honestly, I'm just going to sleep, don't let me ruin the party." John smiles with a cool mask of detachment.

"All right. Honey " Vala gives him a pensive look, "See you back at our place."

Vala turns back to Jennifer and Carson, "And then there were four. Goody, now we can play spades! No cheating though. She eyes Ronon suspiciously, "Couples must be split up, you're with me big guy."

Rodney loses track of the table game and keeps his focus on his date for the night. Daniel seems to be honestly connecting with Lucy. After Teyla leaves, the two of them get lost in an intense one on one conversation.

He stays up much later than he would like to, trying to entertain Sara, not wanting to put an end to Daniel's evening since he has a feeling the ladies will be leaving at the same time. But by the end Rodney is stifling back yawns. Everyone else is long gone. Realizing it's nearly 3 in the morning he finds himself longing for his comfortable bed.

Finally, Daniel and Lucy get up to go and Rodney walks Sara back to her quarters, telling her he had a lovely time and they will have to do it again soon.

"I would like that." She smiles at him hopefully.

Rodney's stomach burns with guilt, he isn't sure what he thought he was going to accomplish with tonight's antics, but it feels emptier than he thought it would. Maybe he will at least have a little satisfaction when he sees the look on John's face.

But when he gets to his room, the lights are dim and the space seems oddly quiet. He can see John's figure on the bed, turned on his side, facing away from the door.

Opening his mouth, ready to make a dig, the words don't come. Rodney doesn't feel triumphant at all, just foolish. He stares at John's still figure for a long time. Obviously he is awake, but he must be pissed. Rodney opens his mouth again to apologize but nothing comes out. Instead he moves cautiously in the hushed room, trying to get ready for bed without making too much noise.

He blinks at John's immobile form for a beat before sliding under the covers on his side. The bed is so big, so much space between them. Rodney gently moves forward until he is a few inches from John. He gingerly places his hand on John's shoulder.

Immediately, John flinches it away. Okay, he's really pissed. Shit. Rodney feels afraid to say anything but he should apologize.

"Sorry." He whispers.

The room remains silent, John does not stir. God, how can he make everything feel so heavy and intense without even moving?

The sound of John's hoarse voice suddenly fills the air; he doesn't sound angry at all, just deeply sorrowful, "I'm losing you." John states it without a question.

Rodney lifts his hand to touch John's shoulder, again he wrenches it away.

"No, no. You're not, I swear."

"Did you... did you do anything with her?" John asks in a low voice.

"No!" Rodney is shocked John would even consider it, "I just walked her back to her quarters. Daniel and Lucy were up talking late, so-so-so we stayed... God, no!"

He can't help himself from reaching for John again. This time John lets him snake a hand over his shoulder and onto his chest. Rodney sighs with relief.

"I'm still losing you." John states wearily.

"But-but-but I said you're not. I'm sorry I did that. It was mean. I don't know, I guess I thought if you felt a little jealous too then I wouldn't feel so bad about having to watch you and Vala all the time... It was so stupid. It didn't mean anything."

John's body stays rigid and Rodney leans up to see his face. The expression is grim and closed, staring impassively at nothing. Rodney inhales sharply; it's been so long since he's seen a look like that on John's face. Shut down and in pain...

Oh, God. He hadn't meant to hurt him. Rodney had promised himself he would never do anything to take John's vulnerability for granted and now he has.

"Em." He traces his finger around John's eyes.

"It's just a matter of time." John whispers roughly.

What does John mean? Is he breaking things off? Rodney feels flutters of panic in his stomach "Why? No-no-no. Why would you say that!?"

"You..." John sighs heavily, "want to get married and settle down... you 'want what everybody wants', right? How can I ever give you that?"

Oh God. Why had he said that? Rodney closes his eyes in dread. That was the worst thing he could have ever said... to imply that he wanted something other than what John could give him. It has taken so long to convince John otherwise and now he has thrown all that trust away.

"Please, Em. I'm so sorry, I didn't even think about what I was saying, I was trying to play a part... I didn't mean it."

"Thing is, Rodney." John's voice chokes, "You meant it. Even if you don't realize you did."

"I told you I would resign," John's voice is tight and constricted, "you should have told me this was hurting you –no. I know, why you wouldn't...",

"Shit." John's voice shakes, "Even if I resign, I can't ask you to leave everything behind... I'm going to lose you no matter what I do."

John inhales sharply and holds his breath, Rodney can feel his body trembling slightly.

Leaning over to see John's face, Rodney sees a small pool of wetness collecting on the corner of John's eye. He kisses the spot, hating himself as he tastes the slight saltiness on his lips. John exhales in a big staggered sigh, his body still rigid and trembling.

"Oh. John." Rodney winces and kisses the wetness away, "I'm so sorry. I love you." Rodney frantically kisses around Johns eyes, along his cheekbone and brow, begging the walls to come back down. "I love you. I love you. I promise you're not losing me. God -I'm so sorry. Please forgive me for being so cruel, I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you, please."

John's body finally goes limp, he chokes out a sob and turns to face Rodney grabbing him in his arms, "Mere..." he whispers, "Make me forget that I'm going to lose you. Make me believe it's not going to happen."

Pulling John into an equally fierce embrace, Rodney kisses him tenderly, above his lips where they pucker so perfectly, then below them in the hollow beneath his full lower lip. "I will, I'll show you, I'll do anything to make it right."

He swirls the tip of his tongue at the seam of John's lips, begging entrance, John yields and lets Rodney take his mouth fully and deeply. He clasps the sides of John's face, desperate with love and passion, yearning to heal this wound between them, "Anything, Em"

"Take me." John's eyes get wide and vulnerable, "Make me believe that you'll never leave. Make me yours again, make all this... go away."

Rodney wasn't expecting this late night request but his body is charged with adrenaline, fear, and arousal now. He is completely hard at John's suggestion. He strokes John's lower lip with his thumb, opening it wider. "Is this what you want, Em?"

John takes the tip of Rodney's thumb in his teeth and sucks it before answering, "I need to feel you inside me."

"Oh fuck." Rodney's voice is gravelly and full of lust. He leans around John's frame and snakes his hands down to John's groin with growing desire. John is rock hard and waiting for Rodney to take him. Shirtless already, Rodney helps John strip out of his boxers. He pulls his own clothes away until it is just the two of the naked, bare with nothing between them anymore.

"I love you Em," Rodney murmurs, "I will always belong to you and you will always belong to me."

"You promise?" John's eyes are open and vulnerable again.

"I promise," Rodney rolls John onto his back, "I'll make sure you never forgot, you'll never doubt it again."

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	121. Make up sex

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A desperate and wild emotion roils through Rodney's body as his instincts take over. His hand clenches into the back of John's hair hard enough to take what belongs to him as his tongue presses into John's mouth.

But as Rodney takes his kiss, it is gentle and tender beyond belief, an apology for everything that has happened tonight, a recounting of his abiding love, his desire to hold John's heart safely.

John moans into him and runs his hands up Rodney's back. Twining his fingers through John's hair, Rodney runs the tips across Johns face, around his eyes. I'm so sorry, John. Please don't go away again. Please don't leave me.

Images of castle walls and the guarded chambers of John's heart flit through Rodney's mind. Oh, God. He leans back, needing to see into John's eyes, to know if he is still accessible.

Long lashes blink open and the green pools of John's eyes glint in the darkness. As if in protest to the absence of Rodney's lips, John props himself up on an elbow and reaches for him.

Flattening him back down with his palm, Rodney leans over John holding his eyes in his, "I want to show you how I feel."

There is a sadness behind them and a desperation to the expression that mirrors his own… but Rodney can see that John loves him. He still loves him back.

Rodney melts back down to John's lips, lost in them. He holds John's face in his hands and worships it, trailing kisses behind his ear and down his neck.

When he reaches the shoulder, Rodney bites down hard into the sinewy muscle, "Just so you don't forget..."

John cries out in a mixture of pain and pleasure.

"I love you... and you belong to me." Rodney stares again into John's eyes, "Now tell me that you want this." He demands.

"I want this." John whispers in excitement.

"Yeah, I bet you do." Rodney smiles with possessive confidence. John is his, he won't let him go, he won't; he has to have all of him, everything.

He kisses the fresh mark on John's shoulder, running his hands across his body with a wanton need to possess him. His mouth craves the feel of John's long lean chest and he takes it all in. As he reaches the sensitive hollows where John's hips jut out, the anticipation grows; he hasn't felt this powerful, this lustful since he was under the influence of the Wraith enzyme.

His hand curls around John's giant shaft, squeezing it in pure adulation. He is overcome with the desire to taste it. For a moment he remembers that he has been afraid to since the assault. But that fear is gone now, there is nothing in his mind but a need for John's gorgeous cock.

Licking hungrily at the leaking pre-cum on the tip, Rodney lets his lips open and swell around the thick head

"Rodney?" John starts to sit up in shock, his eyes radiating with concern.

In answer, Rodney looks up and presses his hand lightly on John's chest, urging him to lie back down, "I want to make you feel more, to make you know what I'm feeling…"

He grabs a bottle of lube from the nightstand as he presses John back to the mattress, "Just tell me when you are getting close," He instructs in a dominant tone, "I don't want you to cum yet."

Then he takes Johns waiting erection back in his hand and slicks his tongue lavishly over the head. As he closes his wet mouth again around the smooth cock, he trails down the sides, flicks the sensitive skin just under the head. John trembles and arches his hips up in anticipation.

Taking ahold of John's hips, Rodney lowers his head, swallowing as much of the shaft as he can down his throat. His fingers grip John's arching hips up and back again, rocking and bobbing as he clenches his throat around the object of his lust.

Hearing John's cries of pleasure, drives his passion. He lets the fat cock sink deeper into his throat, relishing the feeling of it around his lips, sliding up and down. He knows he is good at this, but tonight he is going to use all his secret tricks. He will worship John's perfect cock and make him forget his own name.

"Oh, God. Rodney... Oh, God. So... Oh, fuck." John's hands clench into the sheet. "How do you do tha- Oh. Oh... Fuck, Oh God."

Rodney loves making John lose control, watching him come apart under his touch. John inhales with a hissing noise and his body writhes under him making Rodney's cock swell almost painfully as John pants and continues with his incoherent outbursts.

Readying the lube on his fingers, he whispers them across John's puckered hole. John moans and Rodney feels him release the tight circle of muscles. Swirling his tongue and working his head up and down John's cock, he pushes inside, bending his fingers to find the familiar sweet spot. He swipes them gently over the sensitive nerve endings there.

"Ahhhaaa. Ahhhhh. Oh Go- Ahhhaa."

As he sees John's legs trembling, his hands fisting the sheets, Rodney's throat groans in satisfaction around John's cock and he speeds up his tempo.

"Oh... Oh, God. How do you do this to me? Rodn... Ahhhhhhh. John reaches for a pillow and places it over his face, making muffled sounds into the fabric as he groans in pleasure.

He keeps milking John's cock with his mouth and teasing his prostate. John moans and writhes.

Finally John throws the pillow off the bed, "Ahhhh... I can't take it anymore! You're gonna make me cum."

Reluctantly pulling his head back, Rodney watches John's cock bounce back to an upright position. He should have paced himself, made it last longer. Instead, he kisses the insides of John's thighs and reaches to the ground for the fallen pillow.

Rolling John's knees back, Rodney places the pillow under his pert ass and positions himself to take him completely. Sighing with desire, Rodney reaches for his own stiff cock, generously applying lube and lining it up against John's hole.

Struck by John's handsome form, Rodney speaks without thinking, "You make me ache just looking at you. God." Instead of pushing in, he leans forward to kiss him instead. Grazing his lips over John's full mouth, kissing the full bottom, then the bowed top... Reverently, Rodney places his lips over John's and licks the seam.

John tilts his head back and opens his lips, letting Rodney show him how he wants to possess him, to make love to him tonight. His tongue laps and dances slowly inside John's mouth, dominant but incredibly tender.

Holding his cock at John's entrance, Rodney lets the slick head brush and slide along John's crack.

"You're everything to me, Em." He sweetly kisses below John's rapt expression of surrender.

He presses his forehead against John's and whispers fiercely, "I will never let you go." His lips take John's in his again for moment. "Never let you go." Unable to hold back any more, he pushes the head of his cock demanding that John allow him entrance.

John moans as Rodney pushes harder and begins to sink into the tight hole. Wrapping his long legs around Rodney's back, John hooks his feet into each other, allowing Rodney to slide all the way inside of him.

"Ohhhhhhh." The pleasure makes Rodney dizzy for a moment.

His hips thrust forward, as deep as he can possibly go. Then leaning forward, he gives John time to adjust to the fullness and trails kisses under John's jawline, licking the sensitive hollow behind his ear.

"That's right... Rodney begins to grind slowly, timing a small thrust as he whispers in John's ear, "You're mine now."

"Unghh…" John turns his head to find Rodney's lips.

As Rodney thrusts a little harder, John catches Rodney's mouth in his teeth and sucks on the lower lip.

Using the hand that is still slick with lube, Rodney pulls on John's cock, timing it perfectly with another thrust.

"Uhhhh" John releases his lip.

Changing his angle, Rodney releases John's legs and pins them practically back to his ears while grinding on his prostate. John's arm reaches down to cup Rodney's ass and follow the rhythm of the slow grinding and thrusting.

"O-ohhh... Rodney. God... You fuck me so good..."

Rodney whispers the tip of his tongue behind John's ear, "Mine..."

As he laps his tongue across the sensitive skin behind John's lobe, John whimpers and pants breathlessly, "Mmm... yours"

Smiling with satisfaction Rodney closes his eyes and concentrates on building John up to the perfect climax. He knows what John wants, he knows what he needs without being told.

As John's body begins to shiver, Rodney strokes his face with love and then reaches back down to John's bursting cock. His hand sliding over it as he rocks his hips purposefully, deep and hard inside John's tight ass.

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* * *

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John is falling and it feels wonderful. Only for the first time that wonderful sensation is tinged with a darkness, a fear.

He tries to shut it out but he can feel it curling at the edges of his mind. He has had a taste of just how broken he would be if Rodney left him. What it would feel like if...

Oh God. If Rodney lets go, drops that part of his soul that he pulls from John's body… It will shatter into a million pieces and destroy him.

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* * *

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John's body goes limp and then ridged, shaking and spasming out of control. Rodney keeps his rhythm steady, making sure to sustain John's orgasm as long as possible.

At first, John is quiet as if he is holding his breath and finally at the end he screams. "Ahhhh! Ahhhhh! AHHHHH! OH GOD! RODNEY!"

Then John goes slack looking up at him with an expression of deep surrender.

"I love you." Rodney says it like he is begging John to believe him. He kisses John's swollen lips, and tells him again. "I love you."

Rodney lets himself thrust faster and stronger now. He keeps staring into John's eyes, as if to hold him captive. "I love you... I love you."

As Rodney feels the coil of exquisite pleasure finally unfurl from his loins and radiate out through his extremities, he keeps his eyes locked on John, "Oh-h, Go-od. Love-you. OHHHHhhhhhh."

He lets his head fall forward onto John's shoulder and hears him whisper, "I love you too, Mere. Nothing in this world I've ever loved more."

As bright as the love between them feels, Rodney can hear a hint of sadness in John's voice and wraps his arms around him pulling him into a full embrace. _Please believe me, Em. Please know how much I love you._

John tangles his arms and legs with his, holding Rodney tightly for a long time before his grip loosens. After lying quietly together in the soft afterglow, they slowly make their way to the shower.

Sleepy and affectionate, John pulls Rodney back into his chest murmuring, "So beautiful, Mere."

Despite the late hour, they kiss languidly under the falling water. Then delirious, they stumble back into the bedroom. Rodney watches with half slit eyes as John makes a fresh bed and then climbs in curving into John's back.

In the darkness, he can feel John thinking; and somehow he knows John's eyes are open staring at nothing again. Rodney wraps his arms around John's chest and kisses the back of his neck. Somehow it seems like they are right back to where this all started.

"Rodney?"

"Yes?" He brushes his lips along the nape of John's neck.

"I'll think of something -just... Just please wait for me a little longer?"

"John." Rodney sighs sadly, "I'd wait forever, I'll love you till the end of time."

"Not forever. Just a little longer... Will you do that for me?"

In exasperation, Rodney rests his teeth lightly on John's shoulder and shakes him, "Grrrrrr. Yes! A thousand times, yes."

"Okay." John laughs a little at that at least.

Rodney folds his arm tenderly around John and leans his head over his shoulder, "Goodnight, love of my life."

John rolls over, his eyes shining in the darkness. He takes Rodney's face in his hands and kisses him fully and sweetly, "Goodnight... My love." He kisses Rodney one last time and then rolls back to his side.

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When he wakes, Rodney is alone. He looks over to John's side of the bed sadly and spies a small square piece of paper sitting on the empty pillow. Rodney palms it and blinks.

There is a simple heart drawn on it... and inside John has written the words, "I will think of something".

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* * *

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A deep sadness has returned to John's heart. That feeling he used to live with, the reality that Rodney couldn't be his. It has come back to haunt him... The fear that he isn't enough, that Rodney will realize it too and know John isn't the one who deserves him. Not the one who can make him happy and ultimately give him what he wants. It is a hollow place that has begun to crumble in his chest from the inside out, eroding his once sure footing that Rodney was finally his.

Despite what he believes is inevitable, John can't give up. He will die trying even if it means letting himself fall without anything to protect his heart. It doesn't matter if he shatters into a million pieces. Nothing matters without Rodney.

Stealing himself like he would for battle, John prepares to fight to the death for the man he loves, no matter how futile it might seem. He can't –he won't lose Rodney; he won't let anyone or anything take Rodney from him ever again. He will think of something.

Later that day he has a talk with Vala about toning down the public displays of affection. And perhaps inspired by the memory of Vala's three-pronged attack a plan begins to take form somewhere in the back of his mind, a way to keep Rodney close. A way that he can give him at least some of what he needs...

Missing the days when he had his own room, John finds a disused lab where he can work secretly and uninterrupted. He sits in the abandoned lab, thinking deeply. He can't give Rodney the family he wants... at least not physically.

He would marry Rodney if it was legal... It was a stupid idea to get those rings made. He can't really ask Rodney to marry him. It would be wrong to try to give them to him out of desperation. It has to be special; he wants it to be real.

His hope rests with the idea that if he could give Rodney a feeling of a home, that maybe he could make Rodney feel 'settled down' the way he said he wanted to be. It's not much but it might give their relationship a chance. The idea of losing Rodney is more than he can bear. He curses out loud as he feels his throat getting tight and his eyes get glassy. This is all he can do. John sighs, returning to designing the blueprints and working on the legal documents.

It's horrible feeling this desperate and needy, but John has never needed anyone so much in his life. At night, he can touch Rodney, run his hands across the smooth skin, taste him on his mouth... and God, when Rodney gives him his huge cock, when John can feel it pumping inside him, everything is so perfect. There is nothing but the bliss and the happiness of being so close. He isn't as afraid then. He lets himself try to forget the hollow feeling of everything crumbling to ruins.

Rodney keeps telling him he is ready for more and wants John to take him. But John is terrified he will do something wrong, that he will hurt Rodney again somehow and cause their fragile house of cards to fall apart. He asks Rodney to be patient, to give him a little more time. He has a plan now; he just needs a little more time.

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	122. Rodney longs to have John fuck him again

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One of these days Rodney would love to go to New Athos for himself; Teyla tells him it is beautiful out there. The Athosians have finished construction of the village and are undertaking projects for them to gain self-sufficiency with farming, livestock, and other cottage industries. John keeps saying that he wants to be the one to give him a tour, but it never seems to happen, they just never seem to find the time. Rodney is eager to finally see it all -the ranch, New Athos, and the developments sites that Dave has purchased on some nearby land.

After nearly 10 months of international negotiations, the permanent site that the IOA has settled on isn't far from where the Athosians are creating their new home. Just down the Californian Coast, out of the way from the maritime shipping lanes.

Now that Atlantis has become the main hub of the SGC, the IOA is ratcheting up the pressure to find more ZPMs and pressing hard for trade of weapons grade minerals and searching for new technologies. The chair defense platform on Atlantis is now Earth's first and last line defense, and cloaking the city is a constant drain of power.

Missions in the Milky Way haven't been as exciting as they were in the Pegasus galaxy, but Rodney is thankful that his life is no longer being placed in constant jeopardy. The teams keep searching for more of the rare ZPM modules, but Rodney thinks their best chances of finding some lie with developing his Zero Point technology to travel to other dimensions. Unfortunately, Woolsey and the IOA doesn't seem to share his perspective and has opted not to fund his experimental designs.

Rodney makes sure to keep the best research projects and tech centered at Atlantis instead of letting them get shipped off to the rebuilt facilities at Area 51. But most of his free time is spent working on the information downloaded from the alternate reality Daedalus. He knows he is getting close to perfecting his Zero Point energy source for his wormhole drive. And there has to be a way to correct the navigational schematics his alternate selves designed for a Parallel Universe Drive, his PUD. He's close to finding the answer.

It wouldn't be so improbable to recreate a ship; one not unlike the Daedalus they encountered skipping through the various realities of parallel universes. And Rodney's theoretical ship wouldn't need to be that big. With the ability to jump instantly through space or time, a large crew and supplies wouldn't be required for an extended voyage. At least once he gets the design right. He's tried selling Woolsey on the idea that it could be done with less expense on a smaller scale, but the IOA still isn't buying it.

Despite the fact that John still regards the research as dangerous, he has helped Rodney convince Dave to use one of his companies to buy the development rights to Rodney's designs. As part of the deal, Dave promised Rodney naming rights for the prototype once it is ready. John laughed long and hard when he heard about that arrangement, promising not to let Dave forget his blunder. That's when Dave added the caveat that the vessel not be called 'Enterprise'. Which, by the way, would have been a perfect name for the ship, but whatever.

Still, John is always harping on him about the dangers, old and new, that they might encounter in parallel universes. But Rodney thinks they are likely to find some allies as well. He's been able to trace the location of the reality where the Wraith transmission came from, the one that gave the coordinates to Earth. It seems like the signal splintered and tore a rift in subspace due to an interrupted shut down of an unstable power source. If that alternate reality succeeded in stopping the Wraith transmission in their own universe, it means there's at least one other version of Earth out there that has managed to keep the Wraith from reaching the Milky Way.

Whatever concerns John may have, Rodney pretends to consider them with uncharacteristic humility. He still feels so guilty about that incident with Sara, for saying all those things about wanting to get married and have kids; he knows how deeply it cut into John's trust.

Not that John has brought it up since. Actually, he has been especially careful with Rodney's feelings. The feigned public displays of affection with Vala have been minimal and John spends a lot less time with her now. Things almost feel like they are back to the way they used to be, with John coming by the lab all the time to hang out with him even if Rodney is preoccupied with his pet project.

It had been more difficult convincing Ronon to forgive him. After getting an earful the day after the fake date incident, Ronon had been stony and silent around him for some time. It was only after a lot of begging and pleading that Ronon begrudgingly let him off the hook. At least Daniel seems to be coming out ahead from the whole encounter; he and Lucy have been inseparable ever since. It seems strange to Rodney now to recall that he was ever opposed to Daniel and Vala joining the team, the five of them have such a natural balance working together on missions.

Setting aside his tablet, Rodney realizes that he is running late to meet John back at their room. The equations can wait. He hurries from the lab eager to take advantage of their evening together. He is so ready to give himself to John, he's been aching for it. And it bothers him more than a little that John doesn't seem to want it as much as he does.

Something has changed between them since the night when John admitted he thought he was going to lose Rodney. They still wrestle and play-act their little games about the past, but there is something wild and desperate in their lovemaking now, like John needs something from him that he is afraid he is about to lose.

Even though Rodney has grown strong from his sparring lessons, John throws him around on the bed as easily as a ragdoll. When John straddles him, looking down at him with those smiling eyes, slightly mocking and tender, Rodney longs for more. He wants to feel John's strength taking him, taking his whole body.

When Rodney gets back to their room, he is surprised to find that John isn't there. Usually he's never the one running late.

Then the hidden panel door opens and John steps in from Vala's quarters a bit breathless, "Sorry. You been waiting long?"

"Yeah." Rodney lies.

"Just, ah," John sidles up to Rodney and pulls him in, "got caught up in a project."

Rodney gives him a look of feigned irritation, "What could possibly be more important than me, Colonel?"

"Nothing" John snakes his long arms around Rodney's waist; one of his hands reaches down to Rodney's ass and he makes a sound of satisfaction as he squeezes it.

Running his hands up the back of John's hair, Rodney buries his head into the crook of John's neck, breathing in the intoxicating smell. He can feel John is already hard for him and rubs his own swollen cock into John's leg. Consumed by lust, Rodney imagines what it would be like to have John inside him again.

"God, I want you so bad." Rodney reaches down to grip John's shaft through his pants, "I want you to fuck me."

"Me too." John husks. "Just not yet."

"Then when?" Rodney whines.

"This weekend." John lifts Rodney's head, holding it possessively in his hands, his eyes glazed with desire, "I have a surprise for you."

Hoping that John really means he only has to wait until the weekend, Rodney sighs and grabs John roughly, "Let's get you out of these clothes."

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* * *

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As they strip and make their way to the shower, John savors the delicious skin on skin contact. He seeks Rodney's mouth with deep hunger and a desperation to keep him close.

Leaning Rodney back against the shower wall, John takes control of the rhythm, jacking them both in his strong hand. Rodney gasps and sighs into John's mouth as he steals the tender in-between moments. He loves it when Rodney surrenders himself like this. He wants to possess Rodney utterly, to feel him give himself over completely.

Not like it was the first time they were together -never like that again. He can't risk hurting Rodney. Not after everything Rodney has been through… It has to be right, John has to be worthy of him, to deserve it or he is sure it will break something irreparable between them.

He wants it to be right, he wants to... Oh... John gets lost in the perfection of Rodney's biceps, kissing them, softly biting into them, running a hand over the smooth skin. God, he was such an idiot not to realize how deeply he had fallen in love with Rodney right from the beginning.

But then Rodney breaks the spell, pulling him from the shower and onto the bed. Spreading lube on the crease of his ass Rodney lies down on his stomach, inviting John to do more. Exhaling with desire, John slowly lowers down onto Rodney's back. His cock finds the wet crease and he moans sliding between Rodney's tight cheeks.

"Oh God." John speaks without thinking, "You have no idea how much I want to take you right now."

"You can have me, John" Rodney's voice shakes with longing.

Focus John. He bites down into the soft skin on Rodney's shoulder. "Not yet, Mere. I want it to be right. Soon, I promise."

Peeling himself away, he slicks his hand with lube, rolling Rodney onto his back and stroking them both; staring into those beautiful blue eyes and watching Rodney's face melt into ecstasy just for him, so wide and vulnerable. In these moments it is impossible to believe Rodney could love anyone else. John attacks Rodney's mouth and kisses it desperately.

He knows Rodney can feel the fear by the way he tries to answer him in response. His lips beg John to believe him. And it's not that John doesn't, it's just… he doesn't trust Rodney to be honest enough with himself. Rodney would try to deny himself anything to make John happy, and John can't live with that. He can't live with Rodney being unhappy in any way.

Readying himself, John straddles Rodney, easing himself down,"Ahhhhhh ahhhh. Oh, God." He lets Rodney's fat cock slowly impale him as he sinks all the way down.

"You feel so good, baby." Rodney's hands pull on John's hips, holding him and rocking into the motion.

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* * *

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They groan in pleasure together and Rodney watches as John's perfect green eyes flutter and roll back into his head. When they open again, everything is spilling out of them, adoration, wonder, trust, but the fear is still there.

Sitting up, Rodney has to kiss the man he loves so much. He pulls John into him rocking his hip with one hand, guiding him up and down on his cock while he strokes John's shaft. Their lovemaking tonight is slow and haunting. He watches John's face in awe as he gasps and Rodney doesn't think he has ever seen him look more beautiful.

Then John calls his name softly "Mere, I love you."

"I'll never let you go." Rodney fiercely reminds him, "I love you too much... you're mine."

That seems to send John over the edge; he quickens his pace and pants with lust as he grinds on Rodney's cock. Rodney pulls deeper and harder as John's dick throbs in his hand. And then he feels himself losing control, his balls constrict and his cock swells, ready to cum. Pulling John down as deep as he can, Rodney screams out in pleasure.

As Rodney lets go, spilling his cum into John's ass, John's body shudders and convulses; he cries out as his own orgasm reaches a climax. His mouth clamps down again on Rodney's shoulder, biting at first and then sucking as the warm spray of his cum spurts through Rodney's fingers and onto his stomach. Then he reaches his long arms around Rodney, resting his head on his shoulder.

The desperation seems to be gone now. Relaxed, John leans forward causing Rodney to fall back onto the bed.

Rodney laughs as he loses balance, "Fuck."

John grabs a small towel from the nightstand, wiping them both clean, then pulling Rodney up to the head of the bed with him.

Giddy with the afterglow Rodney snuggles into John; He gushes unabashedly, "You should know. The thing is... Really, I'm totally fucking in love with you."

"That's good." John kisses him dominantly, "That means I have you exactly where I want you."

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* * *

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"So Daniel?"

"Mmm?"

"I was wondering, how come you and me never got together?"

"Funny Vala." Daniel answers tightly, in no mood for one of her games.

"I'm serious. You can't deny that there's always been a certain... chemistry between us."

"Uh..." Daniel makes a face of restrained annoyance, "What are you doing here?"

Vala shrugs and props her elbows on the tall table with an easy smile.

"That's what I thought." Daniel sighs grumpily, "Can't you find someone else to bug?"

"But I want to know, why are you with Miss Merri-whatever?" Vala pouts.

"It's called dating." Daniel sorts some of his books without looking up.

"And so, why didn't we ever date?"

"Oh, gee." Daniel squints sarcastically, "So many reasons, I wouldn't know where to start... Ah, you're a liar and you like to play with people's emotions, can't be trusted... And... If I ever get to the point where I'm ready to seriously get involved with someone again, the last person, and I mean the absolute last person in this universe I would choose would be you."

Daniel continues a bit hurt, "And frankly I'm insulted that you keep toying with me like this. I don't know what the point is, but I'm tired of being the butt of your joke. So, no. Thanks, but I don't want to play."

When Daniel looks up from his rant, Vala's face is unusually stark. Her eyes are shiny, but he has seen her fake tears before and isn't going to be so easily duped.

Her voice cracks a little, "I didn't realize that you had such a low opinion of me. Sorry to... Sorry to bother you." Vala turns and quickly walks out of the room.

This is probably just an act, but still... Daniel feels a pang of guilt. He gets up and walks out after her. She is standing with her back to him at the end of the hall, wiping at her face with her sleeves. It looks almost authentic, her shoulders shake slightly and then she continues walking, rounding the corner away from him.

If this is an act, it wouldn't be the first time she has produced crocodile tears to manipulate him... but that was a long time ago. She hasn't done anything like that in years. Daniel sighs and walks to the transporter, heading to John's, well, Vala's room now. He isn't sure if she is there but rings the bell anyway.

"It's open." She answers. Daniel waves his hand over the sensor and walks in.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, her eyes are red and puffy, "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, I thought I might have hurt your feelings..." Daniel fumbles, "and, ah, I didn't mean to."

"Don't worry about it." Vala winces at him, "I'm a liar without feelings, remember?"

She turns her head away from him. "You can go now."

"Look, I don't think..." Daniel steps forward uncertainly, "I mean, you're my friend and the last thing I meant to do is hurt your feelings."

"You just didn't think I had any." Vala gives a tight smile.

"Well, sometimes you're hard to read, you're kind of… Well, nothing ever seems that serious to you."

"Right." Vala nods resolutely, "I just thought maybe after all this time, maybe I would be forgiven for my past indiscretions. I mean, I was simply trying to survive by my wits after being sold into slavery and taken as a Goa'uld host."

She looks at him defensively, "You know, I lost a lot of things along the way, including the ability to have children, -unless you count the wonderful experience of being impregnated by an alien host. But the ONE thing I managed to hold onto was my sense of humor. So I apologize for not being serious or perfect enough to meet your standards."

Daniel sits down next to her and touches her shoulder, "Look, Vala, you're gorgeous and sexy, and you don't need me to tell you that. I'm sure most people would be happy-"

"Just not you." Vala blinks and a few stray tears fall down her cheek.

Daniel frowns in confusion, "I'm sorry if I've misjudged you. I just… you've never seemed like someone to get too attached or develop deeper feelings… that way."

"But you are?" Vala whispers the question.

"Well, yeah." Daniel drops his guard, "I think you know that, and that's why it's fun for you to play these games with me, because you know-"

"Bu-but I wasn't playing games," Vala interrupts, "well, maybe a little at first. But I was trying to flirt with you."

"I got that part." Daniel squeezes her arm gently, "I just think you know we're pretty different and we want different things."

"This is the part where I'm not good enough." Vala's throat sounds tight and constricted.

"No-"

"I have feelings." Vala turns to him suddenly with a pleading expression, tears glistening in her eyes, "It's just hard for me to be… Okay, if that's what you want, I'll try...

Okay." She sniffs and wipes her face with her sleeve, "I do have feelings. I have feelings for you Daniel, I have for a long time. I thought I could win you over with my pluck and charm but that hasn't worked.

So now... I'll, I'll" Vala swallows a big gulp of air, "Okay. Vulnerability... I want to be closer to you because I know we have a connection, and I want more. Because I feel more."

Vala pauses then speaks quickly with her words running together, "And I don't want you to go and fall in love with someone else because I love you. And I know that's still probably not good enough but-"

Daniel reaches his hand out to wipe a falling tear from her cheek. He peers into her eyes deeply, warning her, "You'd better not be fucking with me."

Vala shakes her head with innocent sincerity and Daniel lets himself hope... His hands take the sides of her face and he brushes her lips with his thumb.

"Please, Daniel..." Vala gives a little shudder.

He is either about to make the most foolish or wonderful mistake of his life. He can't be sure which, but Daniel doesn't care anymore. His chest fills with warm desire and he takes her mouth in his.

It is perfectly delicate and full. He's imagined what it would be like so many times, but it was never this good. He pulls her into him, giving into the passion and realizing that somewhere along the way, he may have accidently fallen in love with her too.

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* * *

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.

John is pleased with how his plans are coming together. Ronon and Jennifer were the first to say yes, they had been very enthusiastic about it. Teyla was of course thrilled by the opportunity for her family to be closer to her people. Carson was excited once he heard there was a stream with trout in it. But Daniel and Vala are proving a little trickier.

"Really? Move again?" Daniel complains, "After all that?"

"You can have a whole house," John spreads his hands, "Hell, I can even build one to your liking if you want."

"When you say house...?" Vala interjects.

"No, no, don't be ridiculous, I don't need you to build a me house. I just don't like moving." Daniel laughs.

"It could be a library," John tries to entice him, "or a big archeological thing or whatever. A place where all your stuff could go- Anyway, the point is, I really want you there."

"Does a castle count as a house?" Vala queries.

Daniel rolls his eyes at her, but John jumps at the idea, "Sure Vala. If that's what it takes, we'll build you one."

"Oh Goody!" Vala claps in excitement, "I always wanted my own castle. Does it come with any titles?"

"Call yourself whatever you like, just don't expect anyone to care." John answers with a wry look. "And castles take some time to build, so you'll need to be willing to stay in the main house for a while."

"You had me at castle." Vala beams.

"So, just think," John turns his attention back to Daniel, "we could build you a library where you'd have all your research books, or a lab as big as you like. The Asgard beaming technology can take us to Atlantis anytime we need to be on base. It would just be so much better if we were all there together.

And you know, with Rodney." John drops the sales pitch and speaks more honestly, "I want to be able to give him at least a little of what he really wanted. Right now, I'm coming up pretty short. If you don't like it you wouldn't have to stay, you could keep your quarters on base-"

Daniel's slings his arm around John's shoulder. "Sign me up."

"Really?" John grins.

"Yeah, why not. I'll give it a try."

With most of his ducks in row, John walks towards Woolsey's office with a spring in his step. He can do this. He can talk Woolsey into letting the entire senior staff move off base. It's not like they'll be that far away. Just 15 minutes or so to the coast station by car, to reach Atlantis 30 tops. But with the Asgard beaming technology installed in Atlantis it will be instantaneous, faster than the transports in the city itself. With their location transmitters, any of them could beam on site faster than getting around the city on foot. Just a push of a button away.

Really, there is no rational reason Woolsey could say no. At least not one that John hasn't already thought of an excuse for. Thinking about the upcoming weekend, a confident grin spreads across John's face. Just two more days... This plan is going to succeed.

John reaches up to his cheeks wondering why they hurt so much. Ah, The smiling. So much smiling he feels like a kid in a secret fort.

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	123. An envelope and a tree

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John woke Rodney up really early this morning, and normally he would be grumpier about it, but John is so excited about their trip to the ranch. He had Dave leave a truck at the coast station so they could drive all the way in. Apparently John didn't want Rodney to miss any of the wonderful roadside attractions.

In the truck, Rodney finds a Krispy Crème donut and a steaming hot cup of coffee waiting for him. How the hell did John manage that?

John points to the empty coastline as he backs the truck out, "Isn't it beautiful?" he says staring out over the ocean.

"It really is..." but Rodney is more interested in sinking his teeth into the donut than enjoying the serene California coastline.

He sips at his coffee and looks at John's strong handsome face. The corners of his eyes are crinkling and he looks like it is ready to break out into a grin at the slightest provocation. It has Rodney intrigued about what kind of surprise John has in mind. John points out sights along the way and tells Rodney they are only about 20 minutes from New Athos. Rodney settles back in his seat happily munching his donut and watching the landscape flit by.

After a time, John turns off of Highway 1 and begins winding his way inland. Rodney rolls down the window and enjoys the fresh air, his free hand trailing down the outside frame of the dated automobile. It is almost old enough to look vintage but not quite. It suits John, kind of rough around the edges, powerful, and more than capable of getting the job done.

Halfway through his cup of coffee Rodney notices that John doesn't look that rough around the edges today at all. He is clean-shaven, wearing an uncharacteristic crisp white shirt, rolled up at the sleeves, and a pair of slacks. Today his hair seems a bit more sculpted instead of the usual messy 'just got out of bed' look.

"See this dirt road up ahead?" John points out the window, "We've been on the property for a while now, but once we take this left, we'll be headed into Athosian territory"

"It's amazing out here, unspoiled wilderness..." Rodney leans forward in interest, taking another careful sip of his cup. "How long did you say this land was in your family?"

"A few generations back, at least."

"Did they ever use it for anything?"

"They built a number of vacation houses on it over the years, I'll show you those later. Wait-" John's voice is brimming with excitement, "look to your right and you'll see the river. Just on the other side are some of the fields, you know, crops the Athosians are cultivating."

"Seems like a worthy use." Rodney nods in appreciation.

"I thought so" John smiles brightly.

"So... they own all this now?"

"Yeah, about half the estate. Wait 'til you see the town square, it's the best part." The corners of John's mouth tweak up in amusement. "They're building a Ferris wheel."

"Wow." Rodney laughs deeply, "Your fantasies come to life."

"For the kids." John corrects him.

"Riiiight. Whatever you say." Rodney starts to make out forms of buildings and spires, a beautiful and graceful jumble, like something out of a gothic fairy tale; a perfect little hamlet, much like the scenes from John's drawings.

The closer they get the more appreciation Rodney has for John's talent, "It's – I can't believe you made this!"

"I didn't make it. I just gave them some plans to play around with."

"This is..." Rodney gapes, "You're ... awesome."

"If you like this you're gonna love..." John takes his eyes from the road long enough to palm the side of Rodney's face. He fails to finish the thought but his eyes sparkle before turning his attention ahead again as they pull up to the side of the main square.

The Athosians are out in numbers, brightly colored cloths spread about their many tables dividing the stalls of the market fair. Some of them run up to greet the truck as it pulls to a stop.

A young boy Rodney remembers from long ago, Jinto, comes bounding up to John and hugs him. "John! You're back! Father will want to see you!"

"Sure. Sure." John hugs back Jinto enthusiastically, "Just want to show Rodney what you've built so far."

Jinto runs over to Rodney and clamors, pulling at his hand, "You have to see! It's the best home we ever had. When I first asked Colonel John if we could come back with him to the place where there were no Wraith, he said no -because he came from a place far, far, away. But now we're all here -far, far, away. Can you believe it!?"

"No. I." Rodney finds himself getting carried away in the enthusiasm, "It's the best home I've ever seen. This is great!"

As Jinto takes them on his own personalized tour of the market and surrounding buildings, John manages to get a few words in to explain some of his personal touches to the designs. Before long they find themselves taking lunch and high tea with their old friend Halling.

Rodney appreciates the comfortable low style seating inside the quaint home, relishing the stout tea Halling keeps pouring into his cup. He feels like he could lounge here the rest of the day but John pulls him to his feet.

"Come on." John threads his fingers through his, "I still have a lot to show you."

Outside, Halling hands Rodney a pair of binoculars, "Here. Take these. If you walk out behind the house, you can see the river, and the very edge of Dunnigan Ranch."

"Dunnigan Ranch?" Rodney queries. He has never heard John refer to it that way before. He holds the binoculars up but sees nothing extraordinary; the same pretty landscape, and a dip in the ground that may indicate a wide creek.

"You won't be able to see any of the houses," Halling continues, "but you can catch a glimpse of our neighboring township."

"Township?" Rodney asks.

"Perhaps that is the wrong term," Halling looks puzzled, "but we are two towns, settled closely together, are we not?"

"That sounds about right, neighbors and partners." John smiles easily, leaning forward to give Halling the customary touch to the forehead, "Thank you my friend, once again, for your hospitality."

"It is you who have shown us a great hospitality by giving us a safe and permanent home." Halling says somberly.

"No more than you deserve." John answers.

Handing the eyeglasses back to Halling, Rodney thanks him for lunch and tea. "I hope to be back soon."

"You are always most welcome here." Halling leans forward to touch Rodney's forehead.

After saying their goodbyes to Jinto and some of the others, John drives them back the way they came, until the truck reaches the paved road. He turns left, continuing on towards the ranch.

"Thanks for showing me, that was a nice surprise." Rodney tells him. "Very, very cool."

"No," John laughs softly, "that's not the surprise, just a little detour. In 10 minutes or so, We're going to approach the back of some buildings. One of them is under construction. Well, a few are, actually... The old grounds had a big garden and a pool; and there were some houses built around them in a wide circle. You'll see when we get there. But I want to show them to you in a certain order. So, either I have to blindfold you, or you agree to keep your hands over your eyes."

"What!? That's so unfair. You know I'm no good at waiting. I'm SO not going to be able to stop myself-"

"Blindfold it is then."

Rodney looks at John with frustration but he is glowing with self-satisfaction. Sighing, Rodney resigns himself to John's plan. John's surprises are always good, he just can't stand the waiting.

It seems like an eternity before they pull up on the driveway. There is some kind of huge structure being built behind what looks to be an older Tudor-looking revival house. But it is hard to tell from the back.

John turns to him with a loving expression, pulling a fabric blindfold out of the glove compartment box. "Rodney. Rodney! Eyes over here."

Reluctantly pulling his attention away from the house, Rodney looks back at John.

"Trust me?" John asks.

Nodding, Rodney lets his gaze sink into the deep green of John's eyes. Reaching forward, John ties the fabric loosely around Rodney's head. Then he takes his face in his palms and kisses Rodney tenderly.

"Today is all about how much I love you, okay?" John kisses him lightly again.

Feeling relaxed, Rodney nods ready to be led wherever John wants to take him.

"Wait just a minute, Mere. I'll lead you out." He hears John get out of the truck and then the passenger side door opens.

John's warm, sure hand takes his, "I got you Mere. Just follow me."

Stepping out of the truck, Rodney falls into John. John wraps his arms around him, holding him close. When John shows no signs of letting go, Rodney relaxes into the embrace. John's full lips graze the side of his neck.

"Mmm." Rodney likes this, "You give the best hugs."

"Because I love you so much, Mere. You have no idea, not even close."

His chest warm and his heart beating fast, Rodney feels so at peace in John's arms. There is no person in the world that has ever had this kind of effect on him.

"You ready, Mere?' John lifts Rodney's hands and kisses them sweetly.

"I'm ready" Rodney whispers in excitement.

"Okay, hold my hand and follow my steps."

Rodney senses them leaving the truck behind, it seems like they are making their way to the main house.

"I want you to see one house at a time" John loosens the blindfold and Rodney sees the impressive Tudor manor from the front. It is breathtaking, a four story mansion, a solid 1920's construction with dark wood interspersed with stucco siding and leaded glass panes.

"Wow." Rodney hardly knows what to say, "Cool."

"Yeah. Come on, I want to show you some other stuff." John pulls his arm around Rodney's shoulder and blocks part of his view "Come into the garden."

Rodney follows obediently down the overgrown path that reminds him of a wild English garden. John is careful to direct Rodney's position. In front of them is a gigantic fire pit with cozy chairs scattered around.

"For late nights with friends and family, or for Ronon to cook meat." John explains.

"Ronon's been out here?"

"Not yet, but he will be."

Rodney is confused but John pushes through the overgrown flowers and foliage back up the path leading to the grand manor. "I'll keep the blindfold off for now because I don't want you getting lost, but promise me to keep your eyes down."

Rodney does as he's told but complains, "That was one time! Plus, I was running from a bee!"

"Yeah, yeah, just walk behind me with your eyes down." John laughs.

As they exit the winding garden path, John points past the side of the manor and Rodney sees a quaint 2 story house.

"I think this was one of the old guest cottages –this one is going to be Carson's." Then John gestures to a solid Edwardian-looking 2 story home close by, "Cottage number two is a big bigger, this is where Teyla and her family are going to live."

Puzzled Rodney furrows his brows, "So what-?"

"Just wait" John interrupts and pulls them back into the gardens, past the fire pit again until they come upon a clearing with a large pool. It could use a little love but it looks like it was grand once upon a time. The kind of place to set canopies around and lounge in the sun.

"I know you're really excited about this," Rodney looks to John, "but, ah, this presentation is kind of…Why can't we just walk around the edge of the gardens so I can have a good look around?"

John sighs in frustration, "Because that's not how I planned it and-" Placing his hands on Rodney's shoulders, John directs him the look to the side of the pool. In the distance, Rodney sees a large modern looking building under construction.

"This is Dave's endeavor," John explains, "he's calling it his 'bachelor pad'. Close enough for him to visit his new corporate headquarters here on the Peninsula or beam to Atlantis. It's a bit different from the rest of the place but-"

Rodney's eyes start to wander, and John holds him still, "Hey. One thing at a time. There's not much to it yet, but next to it, we're building Daniel a library."

"Really?" Rodney wrinkles his face in confusion, "Why?"

John doesn't answer instead pulling Rodney to walk with him to the far side of the garden. When they exit, Rodney sees a picturesque Queen Anne Victorian and some sort of masonry project nearby.

"Ronon and Jennifer." John points to the Victorian house as he slings his arm over Rodney's shoulder "And that-" he tilts his head to the stone structure, "Well, Vala wanted to live in a castle, Sooo, we're building her something that at least looks like a castle from the front."

"Jesus." Rodney rears his head back, "And why would you do that?"

"It will make more sense once I show you everything," John drops his arm and looks a bit dejected. "just wait."

He directs them to part of the garden outskirts they haven't seen yet and they come across another Tudor style house; like a smaller version of the great manor. John clears his throat, "Not as big as the main house, but I thought, maybe, you know... Uh, 3 stories, probably big enough for a family."

Rodney lifts his brows wondering where John is going with this.

"Right," John's eyes flit nervously over the house, "So Dave is staying here now, while his place is under construction. But I was kinda hoping we might eventually convince Jeanie, Kaleb, and Madison to join us. -At some point. You know, it's a nice house."

"So you're trying to bring everyone together-"

"I can't give you everything you wanted," John bites his lip, "But I thought if I brought our surrogate family together, I was hoping... Well, everyone wants to do this, to stay connected. If Jeanie and her family came too it would be the icing on the cake. And Binky of course."

Deeply touched by the sentiment, Rodney regards John with tenderness, but before he can talk, John continues.

"But I..." John looks nervous, "that's not the only reason I brought you here today."

As John pulls out an envelope and hands it to him, Rodney is rapt in attention, "This has to be better than the last letter you gave me." Rodney narrows his eyes playfully.

"Just read it" John's expression is soft with a hint of nervousness.

Taking the envelope Rodney rips it open in anticipation. He isn't sure what to expect but he trusts this is about love not rejection. He pulls out an artistically scripted parchment.

 _My Dearest Love,_

Emotion wells up as he reads the first line; it almost stops him from reading further. He blinks back the lump in his throat.

 _My Dearest Love,_

 _If we were allowed to,_  
 _I would have married you already,_  
 _to claim you as mine, always._  
 _To give you everything you ever desired,_  
 _if it was all in my power._

 _Everything that is in my power to give, is yours._  
 _That is why I brought you here today._  
 _Why I had these documents drawn up._  
 _All you need to do is sign._  
 _I want to share everything I have with you._  
 _I want to give you a home,_  
 _a place where you will never feel doubt,_  
 _where you will always feel settled,_  
 _where you will always know you belong with me._

 _._  
 _._


	124. I'll marry you today

.

.

Rodney exhales softly. He still isn't exactly sure what all of this means. He looks back up to John, his eyes shining and wet. John's smile radiates love. He places his strong arms on Rodney's shoulders and slowly turns him in the other direction.

Is it a house? Rodney gasps... It's huge, but it's built around a tree, like some kind of fantastical whimsy. It's clear that it has been built recently, but the cobbled together styles are old, nostalgic as if they came from a book of nursery rhymes.

And yet it is elegant and proud, beautiful. He's never seen anything like it. There are carved pillars tiered at different lengths curling around it an overlapping spiral to support a staircase. The curved staircase arches around the tree in perfect symmetry with the columns.

"Oh my God." Rodney walks across the field in daze. Reaching his hand up to touch one of the pillars. He feels the intricate geometric pattern carved into the wood.

John's voice comes from behind him, "The Athosian woodworkers made these."

"So... So..." Rodney sputters, "Did you design... Is this a tree house?"

"Ah, yes." John snakes his arm around Rodney's waist and beams at him, "'A hidden fortification to retreat to, to plan secret missions and whatnot. I think you said a tree house would be ideal."

Stunned, Rodney lifts his head of at the impossible structure in the large tree house. He spins around to take in the whole scene of the garden and houses peaking out around the edges. "What is all this?"

John's arms squeeze him close, "Your home, if you want it. Come on, I'll show you the way in."

Still gaping, Rodney lets John pull him around to the far side of the massive oak tree where a graceful sloping staircase leads up around the trunk.

"This way." John tugs his hand. Rodney lets his hand trail on the smooth curve of the bannister. It reminds Rodney of the day he and John had first climbed the stairs in the gateroom of Atlantis. He had stayed close to Sheppard as the lights began to come on in the room, as if he would be kept safe from whatever they encountered as long as he stood behind John and his rifle.

Full of boyish excitement, John pulls Rodney up to the stoop. For a moment Rodney just blinks back at him, "Oh, my God. Did you really build me a tree house?"

"I did." John nods with excitement. "Do you like it?"

Trying to make a joke, Rodney shrugs, "I dunno, I'd have to-" His voice cracks and betrays his emotion. "You built me a tree house!?"

He peers up at John trying to keep the tears from spilling over. No one has ever, ever, done anything so... It's just so...He inhales too sharply and swallows a small sob. Dammit. Rodney closes his eyes and the stray tears fall from his eyes. He feels John's arms pull him close and lips kissing his face.

"Mere..." John's voice is gentle and pleased, "You do like it."

"Of course. I love it!" Rodney nods into John's chest, his voice cracks again, "It's the sweetest thing anyone's ever..."

Rodney's voice catches with emotion and he can't speak, he just buries his face into John and holds him as tight as he can. John kisses his neck and pets his hair, "Mere."

It feels so overwhelming, how could he possibly deserve this? Rodney lifts his teary face questioning, "Why?"

"Why?" John takes his face in his hands, "Because I love you Mere." Kissing Rodney softly on the lips, John places a hand on Rodney's heart where John's dog tags rest against his skin.

"Because you're it for me. You the one I've always wanted and I can't let anything take you away from me."

"You didn't..." Rodney shakes his head in confusion, "I didn't need you to-"

"Because I can and anything I can do to make you happy, makes me happy. I wanted to build you a 7 pillared worthy house."

Rodney reaches up to feel John's thick hair in the back of his fingers and pull John's lips back into a kiss. They taste salty from his own tears at first, but so soft and warm as John's mouth opens to take Rodney in.

When they kiss like this, Rodney forgets everything, nothing exists but the perfect sensation of how they move together, the slow deliberate dance of their tongues giving and taking of each other. His heart is at perfect peace; there is no room for doubt or fear. That is how it always feels when they are truly together.

"Mere." John draws back and gives small kiss to Rodney's lower lip, "Would you like to see the rest?"

Rodney smiles eagerly and nods.

"Press down the latch" John softly reminds him.

Rodney presses his thumb on the lever and the door swings inward. Stepping up trepidatiously, he finds himself in an expansive space. It seems to twist naturally into little cubbies around parts of the tree.

The area just in front of them is like a huge den with a kitchen bar to the side. Spacious enough to entertain a large group of friends.

It all seems so surreal, to even be thinking about friends. That he is someone that has friends now... friends he could invite over to the house he shares with his lover. Rodney shivers in delight as he walks into the dining and den area.

"Want one?" John opens the refrigerator and pulls out a small bottle of bubbly water.

Dazed, Rodney simply nods and catches the cold bottle John throws his way. John twists the cap off his own and points around the trunk, "There's an office for you in here. It's a small one. The big construction site down by the main house is for your actual lab."

Smiling in delight at the charming architectural details on the Tudor paned windows, Rodney wanders back to John.

"It gets great light throughout most of the day" John sounds proud. Rodney sees there are some walls here, it was hard to tell from the way the space was laid out.

"Over here" John opens a door, "We have a luxurious bathroom, complete with oversized tub, shower, sauna, ...plenty of room for a day spa"

Rubbing Rodney's shoulder playfully, John tells him, "I'm still holding you to that one."

Laughing, Rodney answers, "Fair enough. Is that everything?"

"Not quite, but let me show upstairs first." The stairs twist up by the main door and lead to an open area curved around a section of the tree.

"This place is huge!" Rodney gushes, "A family could live up here."

"There's a guest bed over there, a smaller bathroom up here" John opens a side door and shuts it again, "The rest of this is..."

John taps a panel and pulls out a pair of ATV cars "Toys" He points, "Go ahead, open any of the closets."

As Rodney eyes at the fuseball machine in the middle of the room, John explains, "It's a McMurdo thing."

Rodney nods and opens a door filled an assortment of games and toys.

"Oh" John waves Rodney over to a corner filled with comfortable couches "Sit down"

Setting his drink down on a nearby table, Rodney playfully pushes John as he sits almost on top of him.

"Rodney."

"Colonel."

John's mouth curls up at the corners, Rodney can tell he is getting turned on, as he often does when Rodney calls him Colonel. Too many sex games calling each other Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard... He can tell John is trying to keep focused.

"I, ah, thought maybe the pressure of playing chess in Pegasus was just too much for you to handle, that you might have better luck back on Earth." John pulls an ottoman over and flips the top reveal a handsome wood carved board and chess pieces.

"So there's that... And," John pulls a remote from the ledge and a panel opens from the ceiling, a large flat screen TV unfolds to the viewers on the couch. "For movie nights."

"Are you trying to impress me?" Rodney narrows his eyes.

"Is it working?" John smiles enigmatically.

"I dunno," Rodney tries to keep a straight face, "what else you got?"

"Third floor." John stands up and offers Rodney his hands, pulling him to his feet.

He follows John around to the edge of the room where he assumed the house ended. Instead, a set of stairs lead to a higher level on the opposite side of the tree. It is smaller, very fort-like with a perfect vantage point over the whole estate.

John pulls a telescope out of one of the cupboards. As he sets it up, Rodney appreciates that the almost the entire area is covered with windows.

"You can't see it yet, but at night this is the perfect place to lay down and gaze at the stars." John's expression softens, "Even name them if you wanted to."

"This... is so cool." Rodney can't hide how touched he is by all of this.

Opening another cupboard, John grins. "Also, comes complete with a stash of comic books, namely Batman."

"Where did you get these?" Rodney moves eagerly to inspect them, "Jesus! Do you know how rare some of these are?"

"Well," John ducks his head, I started collecting some as a gift for you, then it seemed wrong not to have a complete set. And then, well, I started this tree-house project, so I thought it would be better to include them with the house."

"Wow." Rodney brushes his fingers lightly across one of the pristine covers, "Just, wow."

"Am I impressing you yet?"

Rodney gapes at the telescope and the sky dome in the attic, the comic treasures in his hands, the whole house... The tree house that John built because Rodney once told him he thought it would be cool if they had a tree fort.

Yes, he is impressed, so much so that he is at a loss for words. Rodney's mouth goes dry and he can't think of what to say. The thought that John has really done all of this for him, out of love, is more than he knows how to handle.

The note... John had said he would have married Rodney already if could... Rodney opens his mouth mutely and reaches for the note on his pocket to try to understand.

His eyes start to get watery again as soon as he reads the first line, 'My Dearest Love', they go bleary as he reads the part about getting married, by the time he gets to 'the reason' John says he brought him here today, his eyes are brimming with tears again. He doesn't really understand what John means about the documents, he stops there and he folds the note back into his pocket.

Looking at John in wonder, his lip trembling, he tries to keep a steady voice. "Yes. I-I'm impressed. I, I don't even know what to make of it all, uh..."

"Mere." John knows him well enough to read his insecurities; his voice is soothing and reaches for Rodney's hand. "It's all for you, Mere. I'll show you... Come downstairs with me?"

He moves shakily, letting John lead him down from the attic, then the playroom, and finally down to the main level. John pulls him over to the Quartz countertop island in the kitchen.

Seeing the neat paperwork laid out over the counter, Rodney wrinkles his face in confusion. John stands behind him and folds his arms around Rodney's chest.

"What is all this?" Rodney asks.

"It's why I brought you here today, Mere. You read the letter."

"Yeah" He fumbles in his pocket again pulls the parchment out. John takes it from him and sets it down on an empty square of counterpace.

"I wanted to think of something," John pulls Rodney's back into his chest and kisses his neck, "A way for us not to have to spend most of our time having to be dishonest. This way we only have to keep things discreet while we're at work.

I wanted to make it feel like home, a place where you would be surrounded by your surrogate family. And, ah, everybody else moving here, our friends, they help a bit with the cover story -so it's not just John and Rodney moving away together.

John tightens his arms around Rodney, "What I want, is to share everything I have with you. I had these documents drawn up, so that you will own half of it all. This could be our home. The place we can always belong. Even if I have to resign, you could stay on with the IOA, doing the work you love there, but we would still have a home together."

Rodney's breath is short as he tries to keep himself getting so damn emotional, but it isn't working. When he speaks, it is obvious he is crying, "But you don't have to-"

"Mere." John turns him around and kisses his tears, "I don't have to anything. I want to. There is too much I can't give you, so of course I'm going to give you everything I can. Who else would I share it with? You're the only thing that makes any of this worthwhile. I want to show you how much I love you, how committed I am to you. That I would do anything for you. Won't you let me show you that?"

His heart aches as John speaks, everything he says is perfect, so loving, so much more than Rodney could ever have asked for. That's what makes it so hard to accept. The happiness is too good to be true; the universe must be about to play a cruel joke on him.

But he knows John, he knows John's heart and he trusts it, he doesn't want to trifle with in any way. Rodney can't quite believe that he is worthy of John's love but he won't let his fear keep him from accepting it.

"Is this real?" Rodney buries his face into John's chest, his voice pinched from the tears in his throat, "John, what's really going on?"

"What's really going on, Mere, is, that I have been planning this for a while, what I hoped would be a grand romantic gesture that would convince you to be married to me, in all but name.

John pets the back of Rodney's head tenderly, "I never want us to be apart again; I wanted to find a way for us to have a life where we won't always having to hide our feelings for each other. I don't want that to drive us apart. I want you to be mine always. If you don't like this place, we'll find something else. It doesn't have to be here-"

"I love it!" Rodney lifts his head up, exclaiming, "I love it so much! I don't even know how to... no one has ever tried to... impress me, or win me, or thought I was worth..."

"It just doesn't seem real." Rodney's voice gets small again.

"Oh, Mere. You are so worth it." John own eyes are shining with unspilled tears, "I love you so much. Please tell me that you'll stay mine, forever."

"I already was. You-you didn't need to do any of this" Rodney sniffs as John wipes away the fresh tears on his face.

Then John closes his eyes for a moment and a small tear leaks from one of his eyes, Rodney reaches up to touch his face but John catches his hand in his.

"I need it then, Mere." John's voice is shaky, "I feel stupid, but I even bought some rings, I don't know why I thought... It's stupid. But I can't stand this feeling that the world can rip you away from me at any moment."

Another tear slips down John's face and his breath hitches, "I need you. I want you to be with me in a different way. Not just with our jobs on Atlantis, waiting and hoping we don't get caught, hiding... I want to be your true partner. I thought maybe we could do that here."

John's body suddenly caves forward, he makes a small sobbing noise as he folds into Rodney.

"Oh, Em." Rodney holds him strong, comforting him and stroking his back, "It's okay. We're going to have all those things. I want all of it with you. It's beautiful, everything you've made here is beautiful. I still can hardly believe that someone as amazing as you want to be with me. But- but I would marry you in a heartbeat. I would do anything I could to make sure we will always be together."

It is rare that John lets himself go like this emotionally, and Rodney is surprised to feel his body shaking into his. He soothes his hands over John's back, murmuring "Baby, I love you. I'll marry you today. Show me the rings and I'll do it."

Squeezing Rodney so hard he can barely breathe, John lets out a staggering sigh. He whispers hoarsely to Rodney, "This wasn't exactly how I planned it, you know."

"Well, I think it's going pretty well. I'm really impressed, so impressed and moved by it all that I started crying, and well, that led to you crying a bit, but still, all things considered, it's the most amazing romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me –that I could even imagine someone doing for me. I mean, you built me fucking tree house!"

"And gave you half the estate" John mumbles.

"Yeah... That part I can't even wrap my mind around yet."

"Well," John pulls back from Rodney sheepishly, "You'd better if you're gonna marry me."

Rodney's stomach drops out from under him hearing John say it. It is a luxury he never thought he'd be allowed to consider, but hearing John says those words makes him ache for it. He smiles, enchanted by the notion, "Yeah, I'm gonna marry you."

He feels John tremble against him and a half smile creep up his face, "I like hearing you say that."

"So," Rodney tries out the novel concept, "you'd be my husband."

John looks at Rodney with longing, "And you'd be my-"

"Husband" Rodney adds before John can make a joke about being a wife.

"Husband." John's eyes are shining still, completely serious.

"Till death do us-"

"No," John shakes his head, "No, I don't like that part. Remember, 'Death shall have no dominion... Though they sink through the sea, they shall rise again; Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion'."

.  
.


	125. Solaris

.  
.

John's expression is thoughtful, ""I want to be with you always, in this life and whatever comes after."

Feeling fresh tears spring to his eyes Rodney declares, "That's what I want too. Even if I don't believe in any religious superstitions, I've seen a lot of pretty strange things out there in the universe, and, and if there is any chance that something of me survives, I know I would be incomplete without you."

"Em." Rodney takes in John's loving expression, sighing softly. John reaches tenderly for him kissing his lips with reverence, and Rodney returns the gentle kiss trailing his hand along John's face.

"Forever." John takes his hand and kisses it.

"Forever." Rodney echoes, gazing at his love with adulation. "You really got rings?"

"It was stupid," John winces, "I just... I don't know what I was thinking. I can't actually propose, since we can't actually get married. It's just how I feel, I want it to be real."

"I just can't believe it." Rodney kisses his face until John stops scowling, "It's so romantic! Can I see them?"

"Why not?" John makes a face, "I ruined the surprise, and I can't really..."

John reaches into a cabinet drawer and pulls out a small ring box, handing it to Rodney.

Rodney pulls the hinge open to revel two identical wide silver bands.

"They're platinum." John speaks up, "Take one out."

As Rodney pulls one from the dark blue velvet slot, he sees there is some writing on the inside. He lifts it up to catch the light. 'And Death Shall Have No Dominion'

"Oh." Rodney exhales and looks at John, "We could have our own ceremony, just you and me. It could be real for us."

John's face lights up momentarily, then he shakes his head, "We couldn't wear them on our ring fingers, people would..."

As Rodney pulls the other ring out, he notes they look to be slightly different sizes, "Have these been sized?"

"Well, close, I think they might be a little big but they said we could come back and they could size them without messing up the script."

Trying them both on, Rodney is surprised that his is the smaller ring. John's hands seem so slender and long, it is easy to forget how big and strong he is. The ring is a little loose and slides off his finger to easily. He tries it on the same finger, on his right hand.

It is a perfect fit. With a conspiratorial smile Rodney brings the larger ring to John, gesturing for his hand. John offers his left hand and Rodney refuses it taking the right instead. John holds up his hand, his eyes wide and locked into Rodney's gaze. Rodney's heart is bursting and he can't hold himself back from taking John's full lips in his, kissing him as he slides the ring onto John finger.

There is a slight hesitation around the knuckle but then it slides down and rests easily at the base. Rodney's eyes flash with excitement and he pulls John into a deeper kiss.

Dreamy and lightheaded, Rodney pulls back, placing his right hand over John's "It's perfect. No one will ever know. Not exactly... I mean what? That we both wear silver-looking rings on a finger that traditionally signifies nothing?"

"But it means something?" John looks up at him hopefully.

Looking at John intently, Rodney vows, "It means that today, Friday, October 16, 2009, I, Meredith Rodney McKay, commit myself in marriage, body and soul, to John Emmitt Sheppard. Through this life and to whatever else is beyond, for all eternity, my undying love and devotion-"

"Wait." John's face is spilt with a grin, "Wait, wait, wait. I'm never going to remember all that. John bites his lip and twirls the ring on his finger, "Today..."

Rodney pulls out his cell phone for John to see the date.

"Ah, Friday, October 16, 2009, I, John Emmitt Sheppard, pledge my undying love and devotion to Meredith Rodney McKay, I commit myself to this marriage wholly and completely, with my entire body and spirit, and for all eternity, to honor... my husband – my everything..."

John stops for a moment as if he trying think of what else to say, "Mere, you are family, my home. I will walk with you through life, through any thing we face good or bad and I will never leave you. You are my dearest love. And I feel with all my heart that our journey so far is just the beginning."

Oh God, Rodney is crying again. How could he not when John is talking to him like that, his heart swells too big. Rodney wipes his face, "You're so... Sorry, It makes me cry with happiness to think you love me that way."

"I do" John kisses Rodney's hand.

Nodding Rodney starts again, "I have more to say. Em. I never thought I deserved to be this happy, or that I could meet someone so... magnificent. Everyday I am just as shocked and amazed. We have shared much together, but I never dreamed that we could get so close because I'd never known anything like this.

I've never had a better friend, companion, partner, or lover. I can't bear the thought of walking through this life without you. You give meaning to everything for me. And now we get to walk one path, never to be separated again."

Rodney squeezes John's hand, "Husband I will never leave you or let anything take you from me." He adds a final pronouncement, "From this day forth... we are one."

John is biting his lip and staring intently at Rodney. He asks, "Was that last part... too much?"

"No" John answers with a shaky croak and shakes his head, his arms reach out as Rodney melts into his embrace. "It was perfect, Mere... I do."

"Me too" Rodney murmurs still stunned at how complete John makes him feel. Just when he thought it couldn't get any better, John goes and does something like this. They hold each other for some time, John gently sways his arm over Rodney's back as Rodney lazily kisses John's neck. It feels so perfect when they are curled around each this way. His body and mind at perfectly ease when he is close to John like this.

A gleeful thought suddenly burst into Rodney's mind 'We're not 'in a relationship' anymore, we're 'married'. This man is my husband. It is surreal, but the awareness of the vows they have just made to each other reverberates with emotional impact.

He supposes that is why they are both just silently holding each other now. Taking it all in. Rodney trembles thinking, 'This man is my husband, Oh, my God, John is my husband now' 'Holy shit. That just happened.'

A strange jumble of emotions come with it, a feeling of deep security, followed by a deeper insecurity that John will leave him anyway. Does this really change anything between them?... it should... Rodney should be able to look at John now and never doubt his love. But Rodney has always doubted everything; it's just who he is... or at least who he always was before...

Something is changing though; something has been changing for a long time, ever since John started pulling him into his world. Rodney has loved it, most of it, at least when John wasn't pushing him away. And now John wants to share everything with him. Is he worthy? It doesn't matter. John is the one he wants, he will take all of it, whatever he can get.

Yes, something is changing about the way Rodney has always seen himself, alone, on the outside, always about to be cast adrift. He is on John's solid shore now – No, John is sharing it with him, they are on solid ground together. They are the gravitational force. Together, a force to be reckoned with. It is they who will pull others into their field. No longer seeking or searching, they are home at last.

"Mere?" John's hand smooths over Rodney hair.

"Yes?"

"Do you think if we lived here... you would feel... 'settled down' enough?"

Realizing what John is referencing, Rodney assures him, "I think now that we're married, I feel pretty 'settled down'."

"Well, do you think you could ever feel like this was home?"

"Let's see..." Rodney leans back to look beseechingly into John's eyes with a look of pure love, "Do I think I could feel at home in the house – the tree house that... my husband built just for me? Yeah. I think I could be okay with that."

A smile creeps up the corners of John's mouth and Rodney leans forward to kiss the bowed lips.

"I love you, you know."

"Not as much as I love you." John kisses him back.

"I don't know," Rodney grabs John's arm playfully, "I think my marriage vows were a little more in depth-"

"They weren't!" John wrestles with him, "Plus, I built you a house, I got the rings..."

As Rodney wriggles to get free, he sends some of the papers on the counter flying.

"Wait!" John lets go of Rodney and collects the fallen papers. "The marriage is not complete without these."

"What are they?" Rodney leans over his shoulder.

"Well, there's a Power of Attorney, in case something happens to one of us – the hospital won't let 'non-family' members in without it, and some deeds and titles of property and holdings."

"Are you sure you want to-"

"I don't have a lot now compared to what I grew up with, but I want to share what I do have." John says solemnly, "I want use to be partners."

"Can we rename the ranch?"

John groans and places his fingers to his brow like he is getting a headache, "It's an old family name."

"It's not your name though."

"Rodney, we are not naming it the Batcave."

"Well, what if I come up with a name we can both agree on?" Rodney presses.

"Uh, I'm... open to it. Should you ever come up with a name-"

"Solaris" Rodney is sure about it.

"Solaris..." John furrows his brow in thought, "Not a very ranchy name"

"Well, it's not a very ranchy place, more like a township, the township of Solaris, which neighbors the township of Athos. I could see this place becoming more of a city-state, with a Ferris wheel being assembled on one end and a strange house twisted around a tree on the other side."

"Strange?" John asks hesitantly.

"Strange as in beautifully strange, otherworldly and magical, like this place. It reminds me of Solaris, how they found a way to live inside that enchanted feeling forever." Rodney explains.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John's chest hums with satisfaction, "So you like it here?"

"I love it... It's the most amazing... it's, wow... and the tree house is the best part, even if it wasn't the most amazing thing anyone's ever done for me, it would still be my favorite part."

He watches Rodney's face as he gushes happily. His plan has worked; he has given Rodney something more, maybe not a wedding and kids, but something that binds them together and holds Rodney close enough so he won't lose him.  
He had been afraid it wouldn't be enough. Mentioning the rings had been stupid, he should have saved it for another time, but Rodney is glowing. John doesn't know if he's ever seen him look this happy.

When he thinks of all the time he spend designing this place, he had been so unsure of himself, so worried the gesture would fall flat, he had never imagined it would go this well.

Even when he lost it and sobbed into Rodney's shoulder because he was afraid he was going to lose him anyway, Rodney had held him and made him believe he really wanted this. He had turned John's breakdown in the kitchen into an impromptu wedding ceremony. And the thing is, it all feels so real now. Like he has Rodney, his husband, and he isn't going to lose him.

And he would have married Rodney already if it was legal, but the suddenness of their vows and the deeper meaning took him by surprise. It's everything he's ever wanted from Rodney, it's just so intense and... being a married man again...

But John is a different person than the man Nancy married so many years ago. He can share with Rodney and be intimate with him, he can truly be a partner. And he will be. He will be a real and good husband to Rodney. John sighs thinking about what Solaris represented in the movie. It does seem kind of perfect. A place of refuge and solace, away from the rigid boundaries of the everyday world.

"Okay, Solaris it is. Now, can we do this?"

"Really?" Rodney blinks shocked and delighted, "I get to name it?"

John shakes his head in mirth and holds out his hand to Rodney, pulling him over to the counter and showing which papers to sign. He pulls out a second pen and begins signing the papers himself. "I guess I won't forget the date now."

"Better not." Rodney looks up and gives him a crooked grin.

When they have finished John takes then to the office to fax to his lawyer. Rodney watches from behind, "Wow. You were really serious about all this, I mean... you really thought this out..."

"Nah," John turns to smirk at Rodn-... his husband "But we've these papers signed. Why let them go to waste?"

He feels Rodney hand slide down his ass and give a squeeze. Turning around lazily he asks, "Is this what it's come to? No comeback needed? Just squeeze John's ass instead?"

"I just got married!" Rodney is grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Me too!" John laughs deeply and gathers Rodney into his arms.

The laughter becomes hysterical and they hold onto to each other to stay upright.

"In a tree house!" Rodney giggles.

"I know!" John laughs.

"We're crazy!" Rodney falls into him and John spins him around, pinning him against the office wall

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	126. Fucked by John's epic cock

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Rodney pants and tries to catch his breath, when he sees the look in John's eyes he goes weak in the knees. John presses him harder into the wall, his eyes are heavy with lust, his lips graze Rodney's mouth.

"Is this real?" John slowly tilts his head back and looks deep into Rodney's eyes, "Are you really... my husband?"

His eyes lost in John's, Rodney answers completely mesmerized, "Yes... I am, yes. Are you really?..."

"Your husband?"

"Yeah." Rodney's mouth inches towards John's "That."

"I want to hear you say it." John keeps his mouth just out of reach.

"My husband." Rodney sighs with desire, "That's what you are now. Aren't you, Em? I belong to you. I am really your husband if you mean it."

"Of course I meant it, Mere." John frowns and softly traces Rodney's lips with his fingers, "Why else would I get the rings made if I didn't want to be your husband? I meant every word."

He cups Rodney's face, "From now on, we don't doubt each other anymore. We're partners, in all things. We made a promise to build our lives together and I am going to trust that... Will you trust me too, Mere?"

Transfixed by John's ardent stare, Rodney nods meekly, "I trust you completely, Em."

"We forgot to kiss earlier..." Rodney pulls John into him and tastes his lips, "you know when we got married."

John leans Rodney back and kisses him in a swoon like a scene from an old movie. Rodney is dizzy when John pulls him back up. "Wow. That should do it."

"No, not quite." John's arms circle around Rodney's waist and pull him closer; His voice is sexy and dangerous.

It makes Rodney feel dizzy again. "Oh. Well, then... husband. What did you have in mind?"

"Well, husband," John lifts Rodney's right hand to his lips and kisses his hand just above his ring finger, "I thought you should see the bedroom I made for us."

Rodney bites his lip in pleasure and closes his eyes. His heart is racing, his chest is pounding with excitement and pure, unadulterated rapture.

"Oh God." Rodney whispers, "I want you to fuck me so bad."

John groans and thrusts his tongue inside Rodney mouth, pulsing and twisting in Rodney's mouth. He pulls away after a moment with a look of pure animal lust, grabbing Rodney by the arm and leading him past the kitchen, towards the main room.

He opens a door to a room with high ceilings and vaulted window coves. A huge bed rests in the corner alcove. To Rodney it has a Moroccan feel. The walls have a cool plaster coat between the exposed wooden beams. The colors of the comforter, pillows and chairs are deep, rich hues.

"Do you like it Mere?" John stops and watches Rodney's reaction, "We can change anything you like, I just thought you'd like this for some reason."

It's so amazing, everything is." Rodney kicks off his shoes and jumps onto the comforter in excitement, "I can't get over it."

Standing up on the bed and walks to a high window he is just tall enough to look out of.

"This is the inside... where the cute fish-scale roofing shingles..." Rodney waves his hands in excitement, "John, I don't say this lightly... You are a genius."

"Come down here," John waves him off the bed, "there are some doors that open to a little balcony. Much better view."

As Rodney makes his way over, John laughs catching him around the waist. "Whoa. Hold up there. Did you just say I was a genius? I have to savor the moment."

Rodney laughs and looks out of the balcony doors to the garden view below. Then he twists around to face John, his face lit up with joy, eyebrows reaching as high as they can, a smile that lifts his whole face, love shining from his eyes. "Genius. John Sheppard is an absolute genius when it comes to flying, math, architecture, and gay sex."

John bends into Rodney laughing.

"Probably a lot of other stuff too." Rodney adds, "Some of the many reasons I love him."

When John lowers his lips down to taste Rodney, the kiss is succulent and sublime. As he pulls away John's eyes smile down at Rodney with adulation.

Threading his fingers through John's, Rodney walks him back with him to the bed.

"Ah, so comfortable." John falls back onto the mattress, "You bought me one, so I returned the favor. It's the exact same mattress."

"Mmm. No wonder it feels so good." Rodney sits up reaches for John's feet, untrying his shoes and taking them off.

Everything John is wearing today is out of the ordinary. It didn't strike him until now, that John probably dressed up for him. His heart cracks open even wider, with a deeper chasm of emotion than he thought possible.

"Oh." Rodney whispers in a hushed tone of awe as he looks at his husband on the bed, "God, you are so handsome. You look so good right now, I can hardly stand it."

"I love to see your eyes shine for me, Mere." John blinks his long lashes up at him.

Folding to his knees, Rodney leans down over John, fingering his white shirt. It's a color he has never seen him wear before. It is striking against his dark hair. Rodney glides his fingertips up through John's messy hair... Though today it had been a little less messy than usual... but now, with Rodney running his hands through it, the styled effect is lost.

"Em?" Rodney trails his fingers along John's face, "Did you dress up for me?"

"Yep." John smiles a little shyly.

"You... look amazing. I've never wanted you more."

Pulling him close, John turns to his side. Rodney can feel the rock hard cock pressing into him. John's body ripples with unbridled passion, his hands grip Rodney so hard it almost hurts. But the way his kisses Rodney is so soft and careful...

Rodney reaches down to rub his hand down John's shaft, he kisses back with desire, thinking about how long he has wanted John to take him. Rodney squeezes John's cock, "Please tell me you're going to fuck me now."

"Ahhhh." John exhales shakily, "Are you sure, baby?"

"I've never wanted anything more." Rodney pleads, "I've waited so long to feel you inside me again."

As John pulls Rodney in for a kiss his hands tremble, it is still gentle, but there is a hint of something harder, more demanding.

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* * *

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John's never wanted anything more either. He shouldn't be, but he is fearful. He knows what Rodney likes, he knows his body so well by now, he can fly him... It shouldn't be any different really if he is on top...

He wants to trust himself to let go and experience the passion, to take Rodney and show him how much he loves him, to hold that part of his soul. He wants to lift Rodney's spirit, to make him feel safe enough to let go completely and surrender himself utterly to John.

If something going wrong or Rodney gets scared he would easily sense ... wouldn't he? He can show Rodney that he isn't the same man he once was, prove that he is not a selfish lover. John doesn't want anything to be the way it was before.

But that is what he is most afraid of. That he will do something wrong, hurt Rodney somehow. The last time John fucked him... He winces remembering the scene of Rodney curled in a ball sobbing on the shower floor. John's lips go still and he pulls Rodney's head to his chest.

"Em?"

"Uh, sorry..." John softly kisses Rodney brow and swallows hard, "I'm just a little scared."

"Why?"

"I don't want to hurt you. I love you so much and only ever want you to feel that."

"That's why I'm not scared." Rodney says softly, "It's... just you and me remember? It doesn't have to be perfect, as long as we're connected, nothing bad can happen. And I know you're not going to leave me after all this..."

A small laugh escapes John's lips, "No, I'm not. You've got me for life. And we've got the whole weekend here- Do you think that makes this our honeymoon?"

"Yes." Rodney reaches up and kisses John soundly, "And I couldn't think of a better place."

He pulls John's face to look at his, "Hey. Look at me. I trust you. Even if you don't trust yourself completely, you can trust what I feel for you, okay? Trust me?"

"Believe me, Rodney." John takes Rodney's face in his shaking hands, "I want you. More than anything. ... so fucking much."

"Then take me." Rodney smooths the small frown on John's brow, "I want to you to take me. Just let go, John. Be with me."

"Okay." John's frown slowly fades and his eyes soften, "I'm... I'm trusting you to tell me if anything is wrong. If the slightest thing doesn't feel good... Just remember, I'm not very experienced with this and-"

Kisses the words from his mouth, Rodney bites John's lower lip.

"Ahhh" John's lips open and Rodney licks the sensitive sides lowering the tip of his tongue to flick across John's tongue. John's full lips give in and he swirls his tongue into Rodney's mouth, pressing his mouth harder into him, letting him feel his desire again.

Rodney starts to reach down for John's hard cock, but John takes control instead, grabbing Rodney's ass and pulling him onto his waist. Johns grinds his hips, letting Rodney's swollen cock rub against his. His strong hands cup Rodney's cheeks and rock him purposefully.

His eyes roll back into his head with pleasure as he imagines his cock in Rodney's tight ass again. When they had been together before it was the best thing he'd ever felt, he can't even fathom how good it could be now.

"Fuck" John mutters as he sits up. He tries to pull the shirt over his head out of habit, forgetting it is a button down. Rodney's hands come to the rescue, unwrapping each button carefully and helping John pull himself out of it.

"You looked really sexy in that shirt, but now," Rodney rolls his hands down John's lean chest, "even better."

Smiling hungrily as he pulls Rodney's cotton T-shirt over his head. He tells him, "I love your chest"

"Never thought it was my best feature." Rodney's big blue eyes bat shyly as John runs his fingers along his skin.

"You were wrong, Mere."

Something about John's voice seems to command Rodney to lift his gaze again.

John holds his eyes, "You are beautiful. If I'd known how to talk to you when we first met, that's what I would have told you. I noticed your arms first, your biceps. They were so, ah, perfect. It got me thinking about what the rest of your body looked like. I had this idea that you wouldn't have much hair on your skin would be a milky and soft."

"How did you know?"

"I just knew." John pumps his hips up and grinds his cock into Rodney. "But it was better than I hoped. Everything about you was better that I imagined. I couldn't stop thinking about you.

The next night, I'd never... had a second time with a guy before; I had to get so drunk, to get the courage up. I wish I'd known how to be with you then, for more than just a moment of passion. I wanted to..."

"I've always loved your chest too, you know." Rodney kisses John again, rocking his ass into John's cock. "Well, I've always loved your everything."

"I remember the first time I saw you with your shirt off after, I mean..." Rodney's hands worship John's chest, "After we were together... You died in the back of the Jumper; Carson was trying to bring you back. You looked so serene and sexy and I felt like I was coming apart, I had all these intense feelings for you... the thought that I'd never get to be with you again... After Carson said you were going to be okay, well, I went to my quarters and just fucking lost it."

"We should have been together then, should never have stopped being together." John's face goes still and somber as he pulls Rodney forward and kisses him with unrequited longing.

Between kisses Rodney says breathlessly "But we're together now."

Rolling Rodney onto his back, John kissing him deeply, thrusting his tongue and his hips together in the same rhythm. His hands undo the front of Rodney's pants, "Mere, I need you so much, I always have."

Rodney's fingers pull desperately at the front of John's pants. John rolls to the side long enough to wriggle out of his pants and boxers. When he looks up, Rodney has stripped as well, the sight of him makes John's pulse quicken and his cock throb.

As their bodies melt into each other, Rodney gushes, "I need you too."

John wants Rodney to understand he is talking about more than his lust. "I don't just mean I need you like this..." He reaches his palm to Rodney's heart, "I need you... like this."

"I know." Rodney eyes radiate love and trust, his palm presses against John's heart, "That's how I need you too."

John cups his husband's face and kisses his lips tenderly. His mind is reeling over and over, 'I love you. I love you. I love you.' Saying so often doesn't feel right. Right now he wants to show Rodney without words, show him the way Rodney does when he fucks him.

His hands gently slide over Rodney's face and down his neck as he takes his lips in, kissing him with all the love that is in his heart. Rodney hands tighten in his hair and grip it the way he does when he wants to fuck. John's breath quickens, as he feels Rodney's hard cock rubbing against his. He loves him so tenderly and wants to fuck him in the dirtiest ways. But this time John needs to be careful, he needs Rodney to feel the love in every touch, every movement.

Rodney's kisses stray behind John's ears. He's doing that licking, sucking thing that drives John wild. He reaches for Rodney's handsome cock and pulses it in his palm. Rodney trials his kisses down John's chest and abdomen. John gasps and leans back as Rodney's lips close over the head of his cock.

Oh, God, the pure bliss of it. He lets Rodney take control and suck him into ecstasy. But... Oh, God, it's too good... but he wants to be the one to-

He pulls Rodney away and lays him on his back licking his nipples before he slakes his tongue up the side of Rodney's wide shaft. Licking his lips, he purses them to apply a tight ring of pressure as his mouth descends down the length of Rodney's cock as far as he can reach, feeling proud as he hears Rodney moan. He bobs his head up and down using his tongue and his lips the way Rodney does, adding a few embellishments of his own.

"Ungh, Ungh, Uh-God" Rodney fingers claw at the coverlet. "Uh, Ungh-God"

John reaches for the lube he made sure to stash in the nightstand and quickly moves his mouth back into position. His fingers now slick with lube, John takes his time. He knows he is good enough at this now to keep Rodney just where he wants him, almost over the edge, but not quite. He wants to make the pleasure last as long as he possibly can.

When Rodney starts to whimper for more, John eases a finger in.

"Ahhhhhh, yes. Please. Oh."

Stroking the sweet spot inside, John slides his fingers over the tight bundle of nerves. More whimpering from Rodney lets him know when he is begging for more. John works his magic on Rodney's cock and slides another finger into his tight pucker. He decides not to make Rodney wait as long for another finger, and works anther one in.

As Rodney moans with pleasure, John is loving that he is making him feel all of this. Rodney is utterly his, John is the only one who can take him here. And now John is going to take all of him, everything he has been wanting, really wanting all these years. He is going to claim Rodney completely.

The lust is so strong, just thinking about it makes John's head spin. But he can trust Rodney to stop him if it doesn't feel right. And he will be paying minute attention to every nuance of Rodney's body, to sense what he is feeling, to know if he is making him fly.

Keeping his fingers moving inside Rodney, he gives a final lick in order to apply the lube to his own cock. His chest feels hot with anticipation, God, he wants his lover, his husband, his everything, he want to be inside him again. He wants to do it right this time.

"Oh... Em. I can't wait to feel you inside me."

Slowly pulling his fingers out, John lines his cock up with Rodney hole. He doesn't push in though. First he has to kiss the love of his life, feel his bare skin against his. Rodney takes his kisses eagerly, pressing his face upwards and lightly moaning. John's cock twitches against Rodney's hole and his entire body shudders with pleasure.

When Rodney opens his sparkling blue eyes, John understands everything that is in that look. Rodney loves him with his whole heart and soul; he wants nothing more than for John to take his body. More than that, he needs it.

Rodney pulls his legs back and John adds a big fluffy pillow under his ass. He holds his slick cock ready in one hand and leans over Rodney so he can watch his face. He teases the hole with his head and Rodney bears down and presses his pelvis to reach the tip.

A ripple of fear grips John for a just a moment, but it passes. He licks his lips, watching Rodney's face, then presses against the tight hole. Oh, so impossibly tight, it feels like it won't fit. He has to exert more pressure if he going to do this. He looks into Rodney's eyes and sees he is impatient. John presses in through the tight ring, it's so tight is hurts him a little to do it. Ahhhh. The head is through.

"Mere?" his eyes are closed and John pets his face gently.

"Mmm. You're so big. -Just need a moment to adjust"

"We can stop at any mo-"

"No!" Rodney's eyes fly open. "I won't be satisfied until I feel that huge cock all the way up inside me again, making me feel like..."

"Like what, Mere?" he whispers.

"It always made me feel so out of control. I want to feel that and know I'm really not, because you're holding me."

"I am holding you. I won't let go."

John kisses him gently, and again, only this time he grinds his hips and works himself in a little deeper. Rodney moans softy into his mouth. John realizes for the first time, how difficult it is to give hand job, while kissing and fucking in this position. Once again, he is impressed by his lover's skill. And competitive enough not to let Rodney be better than him at it.

He rolls Rodney a little further up, with his legs bent back nearly to his ears. Much easier to stoke his cock this way and to grind on the prostate.

Mmmm...Mmmm... Oh John...Mmmm"

"That's right, baby, I just want to make you feel good" John rotates his hips and pushes in a little deeper. He massages Rodney's cock, keeping him hard, keeping him moaning with pleasure.

"Mmm... John."

"Are you good, baby?" He leans down kissing the side of Rodney's face. "Is everything good?"

Mmm... good..." Rodney's face is flushed and his eyes dilated in surrender, "I want more. It's okay... I'm ready."

Sighing with lust, John licks Rodney's lips, opening them, as he thrusts his tongue into Rodney's mouth he drives his cock deep, almost all the way inside. He shudders with pleasure, then his mouth falls open above Rodney's. Fuck, it's so tight. It feels so good, he could cum right now.

A small strangled choke comes from Rodney's throat.

"Mere?"

"I-I'm good, wait, a minute, I... Oh God. So intense."

Rodney's cock is still hard, and John lavishes his attention on it while kissing his neck and face. Suddenly, Rodney leans over bites John's cheek, he turns his head to make sure everything is alright. Rodney's never done that before.

"I want all of it now." Rodney's eyes are glazed and his face flushed.

He won't argue with that. John leans his head down until his lips are just brushing on Rodney's. He uses a series of small thrusts to try to make it easier on Rodney, but he almost cums in the process. Finally, he gives into his animal instinct and pushes all the way inside with a guttural noise.

"Ahhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhh-God!" Rodney's arms cling to him for support.

Those fluttery electric currents are running through John's whole body, but he holds the orgasm in check. He continues stroking Rodney's cock and watches his husband's face. He hopes to God he is doing a better job than before. Rodney at least had cum before...

Maybe he is being too careful? He starts to grind his hips pulling in and out, just enough to rub Rodney's prostate, timing the motion to the movement of his hands.

"Oh God." Rodney's eyes roll back in his head, "Oh! Oh! Oh John! John! Please don't stop. Oh! Ah-ah-ah Oh-fuck."

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Rodney can't believe how intense this is. Had he forgotten what John's cock could do to do him? It's more than he even... He feels so helpless and out of control but so perfectly held. So perfect, so... fuck, FUCK...

Moaning and screaming now, Rodney doesn't know what he is saying, begging John not to stop, as he feels Johns balls slap against his bare ass, his body being rocked into another dimension. John draws it out and makes the pleasure last, pumping into him with a perfect balance of control and passion.

The pressure inside is so intense, feeling John all the way up inside him. He has yearned and pined and dreamt about this for so many years and now John is taking him again turning Rodney into a helpless babbling mess.

Fuck, he loves the way John makes him feel, no one else can make him feel this way. So utterly taken, so helplessly in love and so goddamn fucking good. By the way the pleasure unfurls from his groin, spreads out, curling his toes, Rodney knows he about to cum harder than he ever has in his life.

"Oh god. Now! Fuck me hard! I need you so bad...Ahhhh AHHH"

The thrusts are long and deep, angling across Rodney's prostate while John milks his cock.

AHHHH! you... so completely...everything... Oh John! Ahh OhhhhOH God! I belong to you. Ooooh. JOHN!"

A light fluttery sensation washes through Rodney's body, and a tight hot bright point starts somewhere in his loins and uncoils outwards. The wave of orgasmic pleasure explodes and keeps, going and going. His whole body is shaking, convulsing. He is still cumming and cumming...

"God! JOHN! OH! JOHN! JOHN! Fuck me! God Yes AAAHHHHHHH!"

And John is driving in so deep, his cock swells and Rodney can feel John cumming deep inside him. They are both screaming together now.

John collapses and drapes his form over Rodney's. And Rodney, Jesus, he can still feel himself still cumming, not as hard now, but...

"Oh God. I love you so fucking much." Rodney spasms again, "Jesus I've never cum that hard in my life. Oh God. I can still feel it... You own me, you... everything. My heart, my spirit, my body... belongs to you."

The residual ripple of orgasmic pleasure rolls though Rodney body and he convulses again, then lays back exhausted and speechless. He closes his eyes and feels John petting his head.

After some time, John lifts his chest and carefully pulls out his sated cock out. His eyes shine tenderness as he looks down at Rodney. A spontaneous well of emotion bubbles into Rodney's chest. John is really here with him loving him.

"You're not leaving." Rodney voice is choked with emotion, speaking about more than just this moment.

John guides Rodney onto his shoulder and cradles him, wrapping his long arms around him and tangling their legs together, "No I'm not, love of my life. I won't ever leave you again."

"Husband." John pets Rodney's head tenderly.

Rodney wraps his arms around John's neck in joy and makes a small sobbing sound.

"Mere?" John quickly takes Rodney's face in his hands.

But Rodney isn't crying, he was just unprepared for the torrent of emotion, the depth of feeling that keeps growing. His lower lip trembles, "I'm just so happy."

"Are you sure your happy?" John's eyes look worried as he asks, "Did that feel good?"

"That felt better than anything in my whole life," Rodney laughs a little, "I've never cum like that before. That was the best thing that happened to me, ever. This is the best day that's ever happened to me... It, it feels too good to be true but I'm trusting it. Completely. I'm not scared anymore. I didn't even think that was possible but I just keep falling deeper in love with you. God.

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* * *

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As John listens to Rodney's words, he feels a proud thrill. Rodney's blue eyes are so honest and vulnerable. Shining just for him. Why couldn't he have seen that years ago?

Back then John had the instinct to protect him. But for so long all he seemed to do was hurt Rodney. But Rodney is still here, still willing to trust him, to give him a chance to be close. And John is so relieved he didn't fuck it up.

He will never let Rodney's trust down again, he will be everything a husband is supposed to be, it's what he has wanted for years -to feel like his love was more than an empty promise, a 'paper ring' instead of something real. And now that Rodney is actually his, it does seem too good to be true, but he will trust it, he won't be afraid either.

"Baby, could you feel how much I love you, I wanted to make you feel-"

"Yes! Yes. I felt everything and it was incredible. I can't wait to do it again. I mean, not just now, I mean... I-I'm, I'm just so fucking happy." Rodney sighs.

John lays back down gazing into Rodney's eyes and smiling, He curls Rodney up into his arms and kisses him gently on the lips, on his face, and neck. He can't stop himself, he feels like he is luckiest man alive.

After everything they've been through, all of the things that held them apart, all the near death encounters, to be here now calling Rodney his husband is just the craziest luck of all. He pulls Rodney closer to place his head on John's shoulder. He pets his husband's head and back, sighing, spent and exhilarated all at once, "Me too."

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	127. Spa treatment

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A light breeze lifts the soft sheet draped over Rodney's body, he breathes in the fresh air, moving and stretching out along the smooth cotton. He is sated, deeply sated and. His hand moves to his lower waist feeling the pleasant ache from taking John's cock.

Rodney's eyes bat slowly open and his takes in the rich colors in the room. The door is open and he can smell something tasty wafting in from the kitchen... and coffee, he definitely smells coffee.

The memories of the previous days flood through his mind. As he looks around the tree house bedroom, he realizes with a thrill that it is all real. John... Oh. His husband. He pulls his right hand out from under the sheet to be sure and smiles at the wide platinum band. He never would have guessed how much his life would change in a single day.

When John said he had a surprise... he thought they were simply going to see the construction in Athos. But instead John had been planning all this, for months... Rodney sighs happily and curls to his side letting himself drift peacefully.

The sounds of John's footsteps enter the room and for some reason Rodney decides to keep his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. He hears the light clink of a mug on the bed stand, probably coffee for him. The weight of John creases the bed next Rodney.

The room of quiet for some time. He is about to open his eyes but then feels the barest touch of John's finger across his brow. It is so gentle and full of love that Rodney doesn't want to disturb it. John touches a piece of stray hair from his forehead and pushes it back.

Then he feels John's full lips press softy on his brow, a light kiss... And then another... A whisper so quiet he can scarcely hear it "I love you my husband."

"Mmm." Rodney's lips lift up into a smile and he blinks his sleepy eyes, "I love you too husband."

"Sorry, that usually never wakes you up." John's hand cradles the side of Rodney's face in his palm.

"Usually?" Rodney stirs and looks up at John.

With a lopsided smile, John pets Rodney's head, "You like to sleep in."

Wondering how many mornings John has given him such offerings of love without him even knowing, Rodney's eyes go wide. His breath hitches as he takes in the sight of John's impossibly handsome face, the deep pools of green as his eyes shine with love.

"Oh my God, I love you so much!" He exclaims.

"Yeah, the 'ol tree house plan, works every time." John's smile deepens to a smirk.

Narrowing his eyes and pursing his lips, Rodney, pulls on John's arms, "Get down here, husband."

John falls easily, allowing himself to be dragged back into the bed. He tangles up with Rodney laughing as they wrestle around playfully. Rodney emerges triumphant this time, sitting on John's waist and holding down his wrists. Not that John couldn't turn the tables if he wanted to, but he lets Rodney win sometimes.

"You know" Rodney begins, "It's so funny to think that Colonel Sheppard..." He waits for a moment, letting John squirm, it always turns him on when Rodney calls him that.

"...is the man I ended up marrying."

"Ended up?" John makes a face.

"Well, it could have gone so many different ways..."

"It that so, McKay?" John flips Rodney onto his back and pins him down.

Rodney laughs and tries to talk but it comes out a garbled mess.

"What's that? I can't quite make out what you're saying there." John taunts.

John isn't quite tickling him, but everything he does is making Rodney feel like he is, even his breath against his neck. And he just can't stop laughing, "'Scoul coulda, Ah ha ha, beena ah, HA HA ha-contender Mmmhhmm Ah HA been somebody. AH HA Ha ha."

"No. aha, ah, ah! Let me go." Rodney struggles, flipping his face from side to side.

"Did you just try to tell me, 'You coulda been a contender? Oh, no. You're not getting off that easy." John laughs heartily, shaking too much from the mirth to keep Rodney properly pinned down.

When Rodney starts to crawl away, John wraps his arms around him from behind, "Get back here, Brando".

They both fall backwards into the bed laughing on top of each other. John kisses the back of Rodney's neck, it still tickles a little bit. "Oh Mere, you so were meant to end up with me."

"I know." Rodney leans back into him, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me... Colonel."

"Grrrrr." John bites gently on his nape, "You know it drives me crazy when you call me that. Don't you want to see what I made you for breakfast?"

The play falls away from Rodney's posture, "How are you so fucking wonderful?"

"You made me the man I am today, Mere." John's voice is soft and sincere.

He pulls Rodney around to face him and they wrap their arms around each other, bury themselves as close as they can in each other's skin. They breath in unison, with no words necessary to explain their intimacy.

They stay wrapped up in each other for a long time, before they get out of bed together to greet the morning. Rodney sips his coffee from the bedroom balcony and marvels at the beauty of the garden below. John brings pancakes, eggs, and bacon out to the patio table and they dream up ideas about their new life together, here at Solaris.

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* * *

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John watches his husband's face, alight with hope and excited for the future. A future that they can build together without having to hide in fear. His heart feels so light it is floating.

Grinning like a kid, he keeps finding ways to call Rodney his husband. Like each time he says it, it binds them closer, solidifies the union, making it real. Rodney seems to enjoy as much as he does, and John has to admit, every time Rodney calls him, 'husband', John's heart soars a little higher.

After breakfast, Rodney helps him clean the kitchen. He insists on giving John a 'spa' experience, even though he has already showered and dressed.

"Has anybody been living here?" Rodney questions.

"No."

"So... this all, new?!" Rodney marvels.

"Just for you, Rodney."

"I mean where did all of this stuff even come from?"

"Well a lot of it online, some from San Francisco, more from Palo alto or Mountain View since they're close. Dave helped with it quite a bit; he said those delivery guys had a hell of a time getting the beds up here.

You know," John shrugs "it's not like I owned a lot of stuff, so, I just did my best to pick out things I thought you'd like, but we can change any of it-"

"So far I love everything." Rodney hugs John from behind, "So, then you built this place and then stocked it full of food and dishes, and furniture... sheets... just so you could surprise me?"

"No," John turns around with soapy hands, "so I could completely seduce you and convince you marry me."

"Well, it totally worked." Rodney gleefully embraces the soapy hug.

"You are so cute when you're like this." John grips into the side of Rodney's shoulders making a low rumbling growl.

"Like what?"

John shakes his head and opens his mouth wordlessly. His eye sparkle and he smiles, "Trust me, you're cute." He turns back to the dishes, and opens the dishwasher.

Rodney pokes his head over John's shoulder, "Where would I find a low basin-like bowl?"

He points to low cupboard and Rodney rummages, emerging with a large copper basin. "This will do nicely."

"For what?"

"Your spa, have you forgotten already?"

"Oh, no. Looking forward to it." John chuckles. He finishes cleaning the kitchen while Rodney freshens up, and then he joins him.

When he opens the bathroom door, he sees that Rodney has availed himself of the toiletries. He has also rolled some of the fluffy towels up into a pillow on top of the wide wooden sauna bench at the end of the room. More towels have been draped over the bench to provide a cushioned area for John to recline.

Stooped over the wide bathtub, Rodney is just finishing up filling the basin from the facet. He lifts his head and flashes John a grin of excitement, "Come in, Come in."

Knowing that Rodney enjoys a good bath, John gave a thought to designing this room. He dedicated a lot of the floor space to make it luxurious. He steps onto the cool Moroccan tiled floor and shuts the wooden door behind him.

"Husband." Rodney sets the basin down on the sauna and reaches for John's right hand.

John melts into him, his body humming with satisfaction. Their lips seek each other, it's impossible to be near Rodney and not want to kiss him. As John worships Rodney's mouth, he holds his face as if it is a rare treasure.

Finally he pulls back, just a hair, letting his lips tease Rodney's, gently pushing against them. "Husband." He whispers.

Rodney's forehead leans in, pressing his face against John's. A moment later he speaks quietly "You spent so much time taking care of me... making sure I felt protected and cared for...

For a while, I wasn't really there, wasn't really aware of much that was going on. I guess... I didn't have to be, because you made sure I was going to be okay..." Rodney's fingers trail over the back of John's hands. "Your hands were always there, soothing me, bringing me back."

Remembering, John runs his hands down Rodney's arms, the way he so often did back then and Rodney rolls his head, pressing his lips onto John's neck, into the sensitive spot behind his ear.

"I wouldn't have made it without you. You brought me back, Em."

"Mere. I would do anything for you."

"I know." Rodney sighs deeply.

His chest full with an odd sense of pride, John reaches up to take Rodney's face again. Rodney makes him feel like he has been enough, done enough. It's a feeling he doesn't recall ever having before.

"I've been looking forward to the day when I would get to lavish your body with same kind of attention and care." Rodney's blue eyes radiate love.

John suckles lightly on Rodney's lower lip, kissing it with a soft pucker and ghosting his mouth over Rodney's.

As Rodney's fingers run up under his shirt, his skin tingles and he feels butterflies in his stomach. He exhales deeply and moves his lips forward to softly kiss Rodney again, breathless at the sensation of Rodney's hands running over his chest.

Just slightest touch from him sends John reeling. Sometimes the best times are the quiet in-between moments like these, when they are barely touching and there is no hurry for it to reach a climax.

"You should take these off." Rodney's fingers slowly nudge John's shirt up on his stomach.

Then he laughs a little, and rephrases in lower voice as he tugs on the shirt, "I mean, 'Take this off'."

"Is that supposed to be me?" John smiles with chagrin.

"Yeah." Rodney grins, "The first night we met. That's how you ordered me to take my fleece off."

"Yeah." John lowers his head laughing, "I'm pretty smooth."

"Worked on me." Rodney helps John curl his shirt off and step out of his pants, then leads him into the sauna room to lie down on the lower platform. John lets Rodney's hands guide his body down onto the towels, they are propped just perfectly to support his back and give his head something to rest on.

Then Rodney sits behind him, with his knees resting just under the sides of John's head. His fingers glide over the top of John's brow and lightly comb through his thick locks. Rodney bows to kiss his forehead and John breathes in the warm smell of cedar, relaxing completely as Rodney's massages his scalp. Time stretches out and John loses track of his thoughts as Rodney's hands pull him into a peaceful lull.

"Wait just a moment."

Rodney presses his hands to John's temples then releases him briefly to get the basin of water from the upper bench. John feels the towels under his neck being readjusted as Rodney leans him back, dipping into the water. His fingers wet John's hair and push it into a lather. Rodney takes his time, drawing out the dance along John's scalp. His shoulders melt into Rodney's knees as his head rocks softly with the motion.

After a time, he feels Rodney lean forward, lips pressing against his brow again. Then the towels are adjusted to support John's head while Rodney's gets fresh water for the basin. When he returns, Rodney, continue to massage his head as he rinses out the shampoo.

Whatever effort John put into taming his hair is going to be completely undone now. Not that it matters. Whatever Rodney is doing feels divine. Oh. Even now, just drying off his hair with a towel, gives him chills. John sighs in relaxation as Rodney goes to refill the basin again.

A warm cloth slides along the slope of John's neck. It smells clean, with a hint of lemongrass. It feels so good the way Rodney is pulling it softly over his chest and shoulders. As Rodney lifts his arm, he surrenders it up to him. Cleaning from his shoulder down to hands. Rodney's fingers weave through his and knead deeply into John's palms. Slowly, he massages his way up the forearm, onto the biceps.

Repeating the process on John's other arm, Rodney dips the cloth back into the basin and squeezes out the moisture. As Rodney slides the cloth cross his chest, it almost tickles across his sensitive sides. His stomach flutters when Rodney's reaches his abdomen and hips.

Oh. His breath catches as Rodney reaches down between his legs, washing his inner thighs and slides the washcloth under and around his balls. A hand closes over his cock and squeezes in softly, John flushes and feels blood flooding to his loins.

"I'll come back for this later." Rodney says flirtatiously as he lets go.

John's breath settles but he is still warm with anticipation. He feels the sensation of Rodney's hands working down his leg. Slowly, so slowly. Once he finishes with the calves and ankles, he begins massaging John's feet. One, then the other. John doesn't know when he has felt more tranquil and at ease.

After Rodney works his magic on John's other leg, he motions John to turn over. Opening his eyes drowsily, he lets Rodney move the towels and prop them round his head so he can lay face down.

The massage continues with the legs and then focuses on John's back. Rodney adds some kind of lotion, and works out every knot in his neck, shoulders, and back. Down his spine and over his ass. He loses track of time and is half unconscious when pulls him to turns over and John rouses himself from his dreamy state.

A succulent kiss rewards his lips as lays on his back. Rodney drapes his fingers over John's face. The sweet smelling lotion is on his hands. Vanilla maybe. They flutter lightly over John's face, tracing his fingers around his eyes.

John smiles, thinking about how Rodney once described his defenses as a medieval castle. Then later years later, the night Rodney had first taken him, he had circled his hands around John's eyes. He had marveled that all the walls and barriers had fallen away.

Everything has fallen is Rodney's wake, there is nothing left unopened by him. No room, no hidden chamber...

"What are you smiling about?" Rodney's fingers brush on his lips.

"You." John murmurs, "How you've captured my heart, my fortress."

"Oh..." Rodney moves his hands down John's neck over his chest. "All your fortifications?"

Looking up, John catches the adoring expression in Rodney's eyes. "All swept away." He confirms.

"I succeeded at long last." Rodney's lips lower onto his and he softly kisses him several times in succession.

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	128. Rodney takes John slow and sweet

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Reaching his hands up to Rodney's face, John pulls him in for more. The kisses are tender and slow. It is a languid dance this time, as their tongues curl around each other, lips purse against each other. It is so fucking delicious kissing Rodney.

His heart flutters as he feels Rodney's warm hands fold over his jaw and cradle his head. God, there is nothing more perfect than this moment; he could linger in these lazy kisses forever.

Rodney's hand smooth down his neck again, onto his shoulders and runs down his arms. He slides his fingers through John's and lifts his hands.

"Oh." John's muscles feel loose and unresponsive, "It's time to get up now?"

"Want to come to bed with me?" Rodney squeezes his hands and urges him up.

Blinking slowly, John opens his eyes and tries to engage his arms. He lets Rodney pull him into a sitting position.

"Whoa... Dizzy" he mumbles. Rodney's sure arms support him and whispers kisses on John's neck.

"Here, lean into me." Rodney's arms guide him upright and wrap around his chest.

"Ahhhh. So relaxed right now, I could just melt..." John's head falls onto Rodney's shoulder and breathes deeply to the pleasant sensation of fingers running through his hair.

He lets his body sag pleasantly into Rodney's, loving the feel and smell of him of close. Rodney holds him with no impatience to move, just lulls John into the embrace.

"Husband." His voice is gentle in John's ear.

"Ohhh." John trails his lips along Rodney's nape, he stretches his arms out, then winds then around Rodney's waist, "Husband."

Lifting his head up, he catches Rodney's lips and tastes more of those delectable kisses.  
He puckers into Rodney's lips and then pushes his tongue in, feeling a growing hunger. Rodney moans and grips John by the back of the hair. Then, as the kiss abates, he nibbles softly on John's lower lip.

"Ready to come back to the bedroom with me?" Rodney asks.

All John can manage is a besotted look and a meek nod as Rodney pulls him a daze to the other side of the tree house. He stumbles a little on his way into the bedroom and falls into Rodney as he pulls him onto the bed.

They wrap around each other instinctively, as they always do, fitting like two flawless puzzle pieces. He loves how strong Rodney's hands feel running over his skin. Being with Rodney like this is perfection for him, that perfect place, that he never wants to leave... home. With his head buried in the crook of Rodney's shoulder, he brushes his lips against the clean skin, sucking on it lightly.

John's voice is low, "Baby, will you fuck me?"

He feels Rodney tighten his body around him, squeezing him with desire. He doesn't answer with his voice, Rodney pulls John's face up to his, taking his mouth with his tongue. Showing him how he wants to take him.

The dance is still slow and languid, but dominant and deep. He feels Rodney's cock stiffen as their stomachs' press tightly together. He moans and moves his hips so can feel Rodney's cock rubbing along his.

Their tangled legs and arms writhe into each as they kiss. Rodney's warm hand rakes slowly across his skin leaving a ripple of tingling currents. Rodney's mouth deeply drinks from his lips, showing John his slow but intent purpose.

From behind his long lashes, the colors of the room dance in flashes. He feels delightfully drugged, every color, every move, every sway feels connected. A whirlwind on a slow motion reel. He feels his fingers threading through Rodney's.

They have rolled, so that John has his back pressed against Rodney's chest. He loves it when Rodney presses his hand over his heart. It makes the bottom off his stomach drop out from him completely. Rodney's mouth worships the slope of his nape and one of his arms reaches away for the lube on the bed stand.

Moments later, John feels the slick touch of Rodney's fingers sliding through his crack.  
He moans and arches his back to push himself further into Rodney's hand. His face is being turned to Rodney's waiting mouth. He falls into those soft lips, kissing and gasping softly as Rodney's other hand works him gently open.

Pushing into him, John lets him tease the sensitive nerves inside. His cock is hard and waiting, desperate for Rodney to touch it, but the light pressure on his prostate and the tongue wrapping around his, are enough to drive his desire wild.

Wild, but with a slow, deliberate tempo... He shudders in anticipation and rolls forward onto his stomach, with his legs spreading apart and his back arching his hips up. He feels the softness of Rodney's skin, sliding over him. He kisses John's back and bites down softly on his shoulder. The slick fingers continue to play with his opening. John's breath catches as the other strong hand grips his waiting cock. His chest sinks in surrender into pillow underneath him while his ass stays buoyant and eager for Rodney to enter him.

"I love you, husband." Rodney murmurs with his lips across John's back.

"Husband." John's heart soars and he gasps into the pillow, probably too muffled for Rodney to hear.

The fingers stroke him inside while Rodney's hand pumps his hard cock outside. The pace builds slowly. He aches to feel his husband completely inside him. Rodney's hand slides out of him and cups his cheek. He sighs into John's back, and lines his cock up with John's well prepared hole.

John shivers and bears down, angling his hips to allow Rodney entrance. He is so relaxed and so ready, God he wants to be taken now. And then he feels the pressure as it begins to open him up. He exhales shakily as he feels himself being breeched.

Rodney grinds slowly up, working his way into John patiently. Making him ache for more. He pushes back, sinking himself more deeply on the Rodney's huge cock.

"Ohhhh, Baby," Rodney groans into John's back. He slides himself all the way in and suckles on John's neck.

"Baby, you're so fucking hot." But Rodney holds himself in check, unmoving, allowing John to be able to adjust to the fullness.

Folding his body over John's, Rodney holds a hand over his heart and kissing the nape of his neck, murmuring declarations of his love. John's stomach flutters as Rodney runs his fingers up and down, milking his cock.

His breath is shallow and lightheaded. He keeps his legs spread wide in a complete surrender of power. Rodney has never taken him in this position before. His husband has total control of him now; he can't resist anything Rodney wants. Why would he? It all feels so good.

"Ohhhh" And there is the gentle thrusting, that deep motion that pulses across the sensitive tissue of his prostate. His cock surges in Rodney's palm as he feels the pleasant smack of Rodney's pelvis, where his balls and the base of his cock grind up into John's waiting ass. He wants to beg Rodney to drive harder... but does he really? His body is so loose from earlier, he can't find the will to move or speak.

And Rodney is rocking into him with such a good rhythm. He pulls on John's hip with perfect control, riding him into such bliss. The fluttering in his belly washes out to his limbs, making them tingly.

John's breath hitches... and again... Oh, with every thrust he is losing his mind.  
He balls his fists into the pillow practically hyperventilating as the pleasure mounts. The way the pressure is building the sexual charge is so intense...

The slow dance has worked its way through his entire body. He can feel the quiver in his bones. And that bright point of release has expanded into something else, it feels like a sea washing through him. Laden and ready to burst.

Rodney intuits when to deepen his thrusts, he is pushing John over the edge now. It won't be long now. John's staggered breaths catch in his throat, he feels the currents running through him, but they don't crash, not quite yet... They... Oh, God. Rodney is thrusting so deep now.

As he slams into John, it all coming pounding through him, like a giant wave, full of power and intensity, furling across the edges and rippling into eddies. He barely recognizes his own voice as he screams in release and his body convulses.

The pleasure crashes down around his ears and everything else is drowned out, he can't be sure but it sounds like Rodney is screaming too. The tidal wave is spinning him, spinning him. He reaches the pinnacle and tumbles back down, his body spasming wildly.

Under his chest, Rodney's hand holds him tight. He is slumped over John in a spent position, breathing heavily on the back of John's neck. Then he pulls John's limp body, carefully rolls him off of his stomach, a bit to the side, so he is leaning back into Rodney's panting chest. John is so delirious he can barely open his eyes.

How does Rodney do this to him? Drive him wild with passion, constantly surprise and delight him in ways he didn't know existed? Rodney's lips trail over his neck and down to his shoulder. His teeth catch there, biting softy. He shudders into Rodney feeling completely claimed. Rodney's softly tangles his legs with John's and he moans.

"Em, husband... I love you so much."

"Oh, husband." John can barely speak, his heart pulses under Rodney's hand, feeling the warmth of Rodney's cock still sheathed inside him. "I love you..." A smile ghosts across John's lips, and he adds, "so much more."

Rodney bites down harder on his shoulder.

"Ahhhhh!"

A kiss replaces the bite, Rodney tilts John's face up meet his lips. He slowly, deliciously opens John up makes him surrender as he takes John with his tongue.

When they part, John whispers, "But you love me so much better."

"So..." Rodney brushes his lips on John's mouth, he can feel him smiling, "Does that mean that I win?"

"Ah, after what you just did to me..." John sighs, "Yeah, I'd say you win... husband."

"Hmm. I like hearing that."

"That you won?" John blinks drowsily.

"No, the husband part."

"My husband." John kisses him sweetly.

"Mmm... husband." Rodney kisses him back. He pets John's face tenderly. After a moment he eases his softening cock out. John groans a little at the sudden emptiness, but Rodney pulls a damp cloth from the nightstand and warms it between his legs and over his sticky stomach. Then he wraps himself around John, pulling him onto his chest, taking his head in his hands, kissing John so tenderly.

John struggles to keep his head upright; his body is melting down into Rodney, so deeply sated and delirious. But he savors the soft touch of Rodney's lips, the warmth of his mouth, the delight of his tongue. Rodney pulls back and looks at John's leaden eyelids, smiling with affection. Then he pulls John's head down his shoulder and strokes his hand through John's locks.

His eyelids fall, John hugs his arms around husband's chest and lets himself blissfully drift.

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* * *

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Rodney exhales with deep gratification, trailing a hand over his husband's hair. John nestles closer and squeezes Rodney before relaxing his arm and sighing softly. He feels John's breathing become heavy and slow as he falls into a light sleep.

Holding John, Rodney's chest swells with devotion. His hand brushes through John's hair protectively and he lets his eyes peacefully fall closed.

Something stirs Rodney awake, he isn't sure how long he has been napping. John is turning over his stomach, Rodney follows, draping his arm over John's chest and resting his head against his lean back. Slumber takes him once more.

When Rodney awakens again he feels refreshed and restored. The morning light has faded to afternoon and his stomach rumbles, ready to eat again. He pulls his arm carefully away from John, not wanted to disturb his rest.

It isn't often that he get to watch John sleep, he gazes at his husband's handsome face and resists the urge to grab him up in his arms. Rodney sighs and quietly eases himself off of the bed.

Stepping out to the balcony, he smiles at the perfection of this place. His... home. This is his home now. He can still barely believe it, but that is what he will do. Abandon himself completely, trust and accept his husband's love.

His hand slides over the curved wooden railing as he admires the beauty of the creation. He sees John in every detail, every thoughtful aspect of design. It may not be the Taj Majal, but to Rodney it is even more exquisite. His stomach growls and Rodney turns back into bedroom with it's heavy wooden floor beams and lush Gabeh carpet.

The soft pile tickles his toes as he pads to door and opens it discretely, looking back to John's graceful form before closing it again behind him. He glances around seeing the handsome staircase arching around the tree trunk. To one side. the office door. And on the other, the wide open space of the kitchen and the parlor behind it. Further back, on the far end the tree, the entrance to the bathroom peeks out at him and Rodney smiles. He can't wait to take a bath with John in that luxurious tub.

Placing his palms on the cool counter of the kitchen island, Rodney's heart flutters. He is standing in the very spot where he and John made their vows yesterday. He can't believe how much his whole world has changed in just a day. Rodney rolls his eyes, knowing what John would say if he were awake –something to credit Rodney for it all, for opening his heart or something silly like that.

Really, John has been the jewel that shaped Rodney into who he is today. John was always the prize... yet somehow John found Rodney worth his time, worth pushing through his barriers. And he had done it so effortlessly, left Rodney desperate for more.

How did he get so lucky to have someone as wonderful and noble as John love him back? And love him so well, so beyond anything Rodney could have even imagined for himself. He rubs his palms along the cool surface of the countertop, as if the sensation will help the reality of it all sink in.

The excitement brims over and Rodney wishes there was someone here to tell about everything that has happened to him in the last 24 hours. His cell phone is back in the bedroom along with his clothing.

Then the thought strikes him. Everyone else probably already knows... John has been talking to them about moving here. How much of the plan did John tell them about? Well, plenty of time to figure that out later. He hopes they are all really coming. All of them here together would be wonderful...

The refrigerator is calling to him. Rodney turns to open it and see what John has stocked. A surprising amount, actually. Chalk full of recognizable treats and a mysterious meat marinade. Hmm... Most of the fixings here for the famous sandwiches the two of them like to make. Rodney checks the cupboards for bread. Plenty of that and God knows what else. He'll stick to what he does best. Rodney pulls a knife from the drawer and begins assembling the accouterments for a cuilinary creation.

When he is finished, Rodney leaves the countertops pristine and empty once again and sets the sandwiches into a platter with some bubbly water and napkins. He feels so giddy. He wants to bound into the room, jump up and down on bed, and wrestle with John. Not while holding the lunch tray obviously. Really, he doesn't want to disturb his handsome husband's repose at all.

Hungry, but to eager to see John again, he slowly creeps back into the bedroom. John is still sleepy but just starting to stretch. He leans his long arm over to bed, his eyelids lift a hair when feels Rodney is not next to him.

"Mmm..." John mumbles, "Where'd you go?"

"Here," Rodney softly calls from the door, "I made you lunch if you're hungry?"

"Food?" John sits upright with his eyes still closed, "Yesss."

Rodney grins and walks in towards to balcony, setting the platter down on the table, before bounding onto the bed and pouncing on John.

"Husband, I am in need of a kiss." He makes it effortless for John give what he is asking, leaning over his torso and taunting John by lightly brushing his lips against his.

"Hmm. No husband of mine will go unkissed." John sounds gruff but pleased. His arms reach up to pull Rodney's face just close enough. He delights Rodney with his sudden vigor, holding him down as he takes Rodney passionately with his mouth.

"Yes, Well, "Rodney laments playfully, "Mere minutes may have passed... but I fear there will never be enough.

Rodney sighs in mock despair, "I am completely under your control."

Pawing Rodney into a huge hug John speaks look an arch villain from a comic book, "Once it again, it looks as though I have you exactly where I want you."

"Making you lunch?"

John laughs, 'You've merely uncovered one of nefarious plots, dearest husband, it will take a lifetime to uncover all my devious plans."

"Ah, Colonel," Rodney responds in kind, "you seem to have forgotten that I too am a man of hidden talents."

Peering at Rodney with amusement, John continues, "Perhaps we should postpone our dastardly designs until after lunch."

"Very well, Colonel" Rodney wriggles away from John's hold and gestures to the balcony. He lowers his voice and rubs his palms together dramatically, "Of course, what you don't realize, is that by eating the sandwich you have inadvertently given me the upper hand."

"And what you don't realize is" John chuckles as he stands up, "that I stocked that kitchen myself, knowing full well you would discover its contents and be unwilling to stop yourself from creating these sandwiches. I am always just on step ahead of you, Dr. McKay."

"Ah! But which sandwich is mine and which is yours, you couldn't possibly have a contingency plan for that?"

"When Blinky arrives he shall be my official taster, until then I shall rely on the longevity of my love potion to keep you under my spell."

Laughing heartily, Rodney sits down at the patio table imagining John trying to feed Blinky anything other that his favorite treats. "Foolish man, you know nothing of Blinky. He is loyal to me and will easily see through your ruse."

Sitting down across the small table, John eyes the sandwich warily. His bare legs brush against Rodney's affectionately. There is something so freeing about sitting here completely naked, without a care in the world that they will be discovered. Of course, once everyone has moved in, they won't be able enjoy the patio quite as openly.

As if reading Rodney's thoughts, John stands up and draws some long curtains around them, closing in the patio. Rodney hadn't noticed until now hanging from under the roof turret. A glow of light still comes the fabric, just a bit diffused.

"Sometimes it gets too bright."

"It seems you have thought of everything, dear Colonel." Rodney lifts his brows and smiles.

John opens his mouth with a smirk as if he has a witty retort, but then his face melts into a sincere smile. He reaches across the table and cups Rodney's face.

"McKay."

Rodney lets John pull him into a slow tender kiss. When John releases him, his eyes shine at Rodney in a way that makes his stomach flip flop.

John turns his attention to the plate in front of him, "Now, let's see if I picked the safe sandwich."

With that he takes a big bite. He eyes Rodney as he chews, "Mmm. Mmm-Hmm. 'S good." John finishes swallowing.

"Amaz- Uh..." John coughs and sputters with his hand over his chest, "What did you... Ughhhh."

As John goes limp in the chair with his head lolling back, Rodney laughs, "You always did have a flair for the dramatic, dear Colonel. Unfortunate that you had to meet your demise this way."

"Me?" John lifts his head with a dubious expression, "I think you are the inspiration for any dramatics."

Alert again, John snatches his sandwich back from his plate as he sees Rodney reaching for it, "Unhand my sandwich you fiend."

Shaking his head and chuckling softly, Rodney rubs his leg along John's and contents himself with his own meal.

The comic book game fades as they lunch together and they fall back into a romantic manner, calling each other husband at every opportunity. Everything is an adventure... getting dressed, playing with the ATV cars upstairs, walking down to explore the mansion and grounds nearby, eventually walking a trail that leads down to the river.

They are both giddy with excitement and wonder. They stop whenever possible to touch, kiss, and murmurs declarations of their love for each other.

The sun has gone down by the time they get back to the tree house. John has Rodney help him bring some food and supplies down to the fire pit for dinner. There is a little garden shed close to fire pit that John pulls some firewood out of. Rodney unpacks one of the bags filled with mystery items and spies some chocolate.

"That's for later." John gives him a warning glance as he stokes the fire. "We've got some of the best cuts of steak here, marinated to perfection –an old Sheppard family recipe."

"Sounds very intriguing." Rodney wonders how the hell John managed to plan out so many things out in advance. He smiles and eyes the box in his hand; it catches the light of the small bulbs slung between the posts that decorate the edges of the pit.

"Artisanal graham crackers? How manly."

"Smirk all you want," John shakes his head, "those are entirely for your benefit. Can you tell me you would really prefer a s'more with Nabisco or Hersey's?"

"I am picky." Rodney admits.

"That's one way of putting it." The corners of John's mouth curl in amusement, "Get over here and help me with the grill."

Rodney obeys and John takes him in his arms. His strong solid chest taut against Rodney, John's hands knead into Rodney's hips and his mouth breathes purposefully along his neck and behind his ear.

"I know what you like, Mere."

Sighing and swooning as John holds him firmly by the waist, Rodney moans, "You do... you know everything."

John takes Rodney's chin in his hand and snakes his tongue into Rodney's mouth in a slow sensual arc. So seductive, so succulent, without any hurry, they kiss and kiss, in the sheer delight of the pleasure.

The fire crackles behind them, and Rodney moves to the slight sway in John's hips. John's fingers roam expertly across his body. They roll over him with warmth and hunger. It is intoxicating feeling so desirable, so deeply wanted. Rodney shivers in anticipation of what will come after dessert.

Slowly leaning back, John looks at Rodney with heavy lids. Then his eyes close.

"Hmm... One more." He pulls Rodney back in for more and it is delicious, so delicious.

When John is finished with him, he feeds Rodney food. A night filled with deliciousness... they feast like kings, they laugh and roast the marshmallows on sticks over the fire. After they have eaten their graham cracker sandwiches, they kiss the chocolate and marshmallow clean from their lips.

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	129. Gay enough?

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As the fire begins to die down, Rodney leans back into John while they watch the embers. John's arms drape down around his shoulders and over his chest. Whenever they are so close physically, Rodney feels whole. He can't imagine how he ever existed without John: they have always belonged together. With every breath it feels as if his soul is bleeding through his frame and into John. He could never be complete without John. He couldn't possibly live without him now.

"I love you." Rodney abruptly declares.

John's arms squeeze tight. "You have no idea just how much I love you."

"I think I'm beginning to." Rodney threads his fingers through John's.

It has been a perfect lazy day. Rodney feels so at ease here and at peace with John. The joy is indescribable, aching in his chest, as if it is about to split open.

When they finally climb the stairs back up to the house in the tree, it feels strangely familiar, like he is returning home. Once inside, Rodney pulls John onto one of the low wide couches in the den nearby. They melt easily into each other.

"This is a good couch for two people." Rodney says, noticing for the first time how spacious they are.

"That was the idea, husband."

"Mmm." Rodney snuggles into John's chest, "And what was... the dream again?"

"What dream?"

"You know... what you said that day on Castro Street."

"Oh-ho," John laughs, "I think that was actually something you said."

Rodney giggles, curling his hands into John's sides where he knows he is ticklish.

"Ah, ah, ah." John flips him onto his back laughing, "What do you think you're doing McKay?"

Pinned down under John, Rodney keeps his arms tucked against his sides, but feels John's fingers squirming to reach under them to the ticklish spots. He can't stop laughing.

"What was it you wanted?" John teases, "Oh. That's right. To be as totally gay as you wanted. This gay enough for you, Rodney? What do you think? Gay enough?"

Lost in peals of laughter, Rodney tries to talk but all he can do is gasp as John taunts him with tickling fingers.

Finally, Rodney chokes out the words, "No such thing- Could always be gayer."

That makes John laugh so hard he falls down onto Rodney's chest. Rodney uses the opportunity to reach around and smack John firmly on the ass.

"Ow." John keeps laughing with his face against Rodney's neck.

Rodney gives another swat, lighter this time. Then he cups John's splendid ass and squeezes it with satisfaction.

"Well..." John wheezes in between the gales of laughter, "Let me know... when we're getting close."

"Oh, we're getting close..."Rodney purrs with both hands around John's ass.

Lifting his head up to meet Rodney's eyes with a smile, John contains his laughter and lowers his lips down to lightly pucker on Rodney's mouth.

Oh. John makes him swoon every time he does that... Another kiss softly caresses Rodney's lower lip, then brushes delicately across both of them. He feels John's hips pivot slightly, grinding his swollen cock against Rodney's.

"Getting close?" John murmurs.

"Sooo close." Rodney breathes.

Both of them hold themselves still for a moment. There is nothing but the warm breath ghosting across each others' lips. And then they move together, closing their lips to capture the passion.

They softly take each other in, swirling tongues and sucking lips. Rodney melts in surrender as John rakes his fingers down his jaw. The way he holds Rodney is so possessive and devoted. He feels so desired and protected, beyond anything he ever thought possible.

He loses himself in the bliss, kissing and biting slowly, claiming John's mouth, rolling himself rhythmically into the pulse of their movement. Murmuring, "I do like it that we can be as totally gay as we want to here..."

"There you go..." John laughs softly into Rodney "Living the dream. And whatever else you want, I'll make it happen for you."

Snuggling into John, Rodney tells him, "I can't think of anything else. I'm so happy, and so totally impressed.

"Ah." John's face a looks a little sly, "So, I succeeded in impressing you?"

Rodney grinds his waist slowly up in John's, winding his fingers up into the back of John's dark hair. He clenches it his hands and pulls his face down, close enough to slake his tongue behind John's ear and suck lightly on his lobe.

"Beyond impressed. You've seduced me completely. You own me..."

He sighs, breathing heavily as he closes his lips over the sensitive spots on John's upper neck. "You own me completely... Colonel... And now you can... you can do whatever you want with me..."

"McKay" John whispers huskily. "God, McKay... the things I'm going do to you..."

As John's firm bulge rolls over his aching cock, Rodney moans.

John's strong arms reach up and seize Rodney's forearms, pulling them away from his head and pinning them back down to his sides. There is a playful but stern glint in his eye. "Stay here. That's an order, McKay."

Obediently, Rodney keeps his arms to his sides. He watches as John fetches the bottle of lube and a hand towel, before returning to the den. Standing just out of arms reach, John eyes Rodney with unadultered lust. A hint of a smile turns up the corners of John's lips. He steps forward, tugging on Rodney's shirt.

"Take this off."

"But, but..." Rodney eases himself up a little on his elbows, "But Colonel, I hardly know you."

With a lopsided smile, John uses one hand to pushes Rodney back down flat against the couch. "You knew me well enough to let me fuck you last night."

Whimpering in anticipation, Rodney pulls his shirt over his head and lies back again.

As Rodney unbuckles his pants, John's eyes are hungry. "Don't be nervous McKay, I'm going to make this really good for you."

Rodney bites his lip, John knows it drives him wild when he plays the role of the Colonel during their sex games. John's warm hands sink under his waistband and slide Rodney's boxers down along with his pants. He removes Rodney's socks and shoes, then he stares down at Rodney with those dangerous eyes, devouring the sight of his body. He breaks his concentration long enough to pull his own shirt over his head.

The slight of a shirtless Sheppard is as perfect as it has ever was. Sexy, sexy Sheppard. Oh, that body, the long torso and strong chest...

"Colonel, it's just... I don't think the supply closet is the best place to-"

"Shh." John's hand covers his mouth before Rodney can say more. He holds it there as he straddles Rodney's waist. "Shh. We have to be quiet."

"Umph. Ugh-uh." Rodney fakes a protest.

"We just have to..." John leans down kissing Rodney's neck in a way the Colonel never did. "You just... You have to be mine, I have to have you, McKay."

Releasing his hand from Rodney's mouth, John takes it with his tongue fiercely, deep, long, and hard. Rodney likes the way John is playing with him tonight, more certain of himself, less afraid of hurting him. He lifts his hands up to press against John's chest in mock defiance. John seizes his wrists to stop him, holding him in place and Rodney closes his eyes in delight.

As John releases his mouth, Rodney gasps, "What-what are planning to do with me, Colonel?"

The look John gives is penetrating.

"Well, I'm going to fuck you McKay. I'm going to take you and I'm not going to let you get away. I have to have you..." John rakes his fingers over Rodney's chest and down to grip his waiting cock, "Anytime I feel like it. From now on, you belong to me."

A flutter runs though Rodney's entire body; he feels as powerless as he always did with the Colonel. Only now the helplessness is wonderful, it's a total relaxation into the love he knows John has for him. His breath quickens as John's hand strokes his cock. When John leans in to kiss him again, it is unmistakably dominant. Hard, but not too hard, just right, just the way Rodney has always wanted to be taken.

For a long time, Rodney is lost in the exquisite sensation of John's tongue pulsing in mouth, in time to the throb of his strong hand on his cock. John takes him nearly to the edge of orgasm and back. Rodney is swelling with emotion, reeling in the white electrical charge crackling through him.

He is so powerless to John's effect on him, gloriously powerless. Scattered into a million tiny fragments, lost completely but found in John, swimming in the presence of him. Ah, the smell of his skin, the warm of his touch, the strength of his passion, the beauty of his body, everything, everything...

John slows his rhythm down as Rodney's body flutters underneath him. He pulls back from Rodney's mouth, punctuating the finale with a very sweet, romantic kiss.

"Now, my love... I'm going to fuck you." He says it like a command, but his eyes sparkle with tenderness, searching Rodney's face for an answer, waiting for a sign that his dominance is still desirable.

Rodney nods in eager acceptance and John smiles confidently. He lifts his head as he orders Rodney, "Don't move. I'll show you what I want to do to you."

With wide eyes, Rodney watches John strip out of his pants. Rodney's cock jumps when he sees John's huge erection. He licks his lips as John slicks his cock with lube, pumping it through his hand as he eyes Rodney with longing. Rodney's breath stutters as he thinks about that huge, amazing cock entering him and making him helpless.

Striding back over to Rodney, John's slick hand takes Rodney's cock, playing with it expertly. His other hand runs up Rodney's chest, stopping just before the collarbone. He stares at Rodney's cock in his hand then turns his gaze up to Rodney's face. John's fingers reach up to brush his lips and Rodney opens his mouth to suck one of them.

John's other hand strays from Rodney's cock and down to his tight hole, teasing the entrance. Rodney is ready for it. He gasps as John pushes his fingers into him. Rodney's tongue swirls around the finger in his mouth, pulsing in time to the way John is sliding in and out of him, gliding back and forth over his sweet spot.

Mmm, mmm... it feels so good. Rodney's eyes roll back in his head a bit. His hips arch and push back John's hand, a pleasant chill shivers through him as he thinks about what else John is going to do to him. By the time John adds a third finger, Rodney practically panting, his mouth agape. John cups Rodney's chin and runs his thumb over his lower lip, drawing it down and rubbing the sensitive inside.

John's hand drifts around the back of Rodney's neck. Rodney feels himself being pulled up and his eyes blink open to take in the sight of John leaning in. His mouth is being taken again by John's hungry tongue. He yields utterly, letting John take control. The sensation of John's hand slipping out of him makes him moan.

He lets John guide him to face the back of the couch and he hugs the back cushion. As he spreads his legs Rodney wonders if John also anticipated using the wide couch for this purpose. John bends a knees just behind him. He trails ardent kisses down Rodney's spine and cups his chest with one of his hands. It reminds Rodney of the side of the Colonel he had once thought he glimpsed, that night long ago in the shower...

Now, Rodney knows that fleeting persona intimately. Now that John is his, the elusive Colonel has stopped fleeing. Rodney sighs into John's arm as he feels the tip of John's wet cock brushing up against his hole.

John's hand squeezes Rodney's chest possessively, protectively, reassuring Rodney that he can take back the control any time he wants. But Rodney doesn't want to, he wants John to take him and use him. Rodney arches his back and pushes his ass into John's cock with desperate need.

As Rodney braces himself, John begins to work the tip in. Rodney pushes back as hard as he can, trying to open himself deep enough for John to enter. He hears John's breath get heavy with the effort.

"Fuck" John mutters quietly.

He loves it when John swears like that, surprised by how tight Rodney is. Like it's a secret superpower he has over John.

"Ugh, Fuck!" Rodney utters an inarticulate and unexpected swear of his own as John breaches him in one quick thrust.

John's hand sways over Rodney's chest and holds him in place, he rolls his hips rocking and pushing forward for more. Oh God, it's intense; John's cock is like nothing he's ever felt. John's superpower is his super-cock. Rodney grips the back of the couch and breathes into it as John rocks him in time, rolling, and rolling, as he deepens his plunge.

It is faster than last night, but more skilled and tender than the Colonel used to be with him. He likes to feel John lost in the heat of desire, insistent about his need. He likes to feel so taken, pushed to swallow that huge cock inside him just a little faster than is comfortable. Just like he wants that big cock inside him, even though it is just a little more than he knows how to handle.

Oh. Oh, God. John is thrusting now, using to momentum to drive up inside him. Rodney pants with each push, grateful for the strong arm to lean into. Oh, oh, oh... Okay, okay, it's... Oh, Jesus. He is so impaled right now, he's about to be... "AAH!"

A sudden thrust driving all the way in takes him by storm. John's balls rest up against his cheeks and his body folds forward onto Rodney's back. He kisses Rodney's neck tenderly and the hand on his chest radiates warmth as it pets him.

"McKay" John whispers, "I love you."

Rodney grins at the imagine of the unavailable Colonel now professing his love while his cock is buried in Rodney's ass.

"I love you too... Sheppard. Always have."

While affectionately nuzzling Rodney's neck John, waits for Rodney to adjust, holding himself still. Rodney turns his face trying to get closer and John instantly finds his lips, adoring them and lavishing them with attention. He loves the sensation of John's warm wet tongue on his... John moans into his mouth Rodney feels hips move, a push ever so slight, as if he wants to go even deeper.

The pressure of the long, thick cock buried in his ass is overwhelming but he is ready for it. Rodney catches John's lower lip in his teeth and bites down. John inhales sharply, taking in the expression on Rodney's face.

As the lust clouds John's eyes, Rodney releases his lip, sure that John knows what he wants. He feels John's mouth on his shoulder licking, sucking, then delivering a bite of his own. Rodney's body trembles and he clenches John's ass involuntarily. John hisses and gyrates his hips, flexing in and pulling back a little before returning all way the inside Rodney.

His free arm snakes under Rodney's waist, pulling him tighter and raising the angle of his hips. He knows what John is trying to do; he wants to make sure Rodney is getting full stimulation.

Rodney quivers as he feels John pulling out part of the way. Then he pumps back in, driving along the base of the prostate and then back out. His thrusts are deeper and more demanding than last night. It is thrilling to feel so at John's mercy, Rodney knows he can trust him not too push him far. Just enough to make it hot and dirty. Just enough to feel out of control...

Oh, God yes. Like that, just like that. Don't stop. The hand on his chest holds his rocking body in place as it takes the full brunt of John's hips smacking up and against his ass. The hand around his waist slides down Rodney's cock. Sliding up and down in time to the motion of John fucking him. He has waited to long for this, to have John fucking him again. There is nothing in the world like it. Nothing ever felt this good.

He hears himself moaning and whimpering in pleasure and bites into his own arm. Oh. Oh fuck. John is driving so hard now. The heat inside him grows, swelling and spreading out from his stomach, into his chest and threading into his limbs. Everything is floaty now, every pulse inside him winds the frenzy higher.

Rodney slams his ass back into John's, arching his back and screaming in ecstasy. He can't get enough now, he rolls in hips in unison to the slightly spiral motion of the steady thrusts. John's hand on his chest supplies the extra pull he needs as he rears back again and again. Rodney pants and groans, a torrent of incoherent words spill from his mouth but he isn't really conscious of what he is saying.

White, hot delirium seizes hold of him.

It feels like he is floating out of his body, vaguely aware of the violent tremble rolling through him as he screams. John's hand clenches around his cock, holding it firm as it sprays warm milky cum. Rodney calls John's name in choked plea, begging him not to stop what he is doing.

And again, this time in reverence, as he releases the last of his seed and shudders one final time. "-JOHN!"

"Oh baby, oh baby... God." John grips Rodney's hips with both hands and thrusts into him with abandon, "You are so hot, you're gonna make me cum so hard! Oh God... OH GOD... AHHHHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! Ah. Ahhhh. Ohhhhhh. McKay."

John's arms wrap up around Rodney's chest as he drapes himself over Rodney's back. His head leans down, softly kissing the back of Rodney's neck. "Mmm... Husband... I love you."

Reverberations of the orgasm are still running through him and Rodney moans happily and reaches one of his arms back to caress John's face. "I love you, husband."

Moving gingerly so not to displace his cock from where it is still deeply buried, John tilts Rodney's face from the back of the couch and works his mouth down to Rodney's lips. They kiss and kiss, savoring the moment as long they can, then they stumble together into the shower.

The wide head of the shower is fixed in the center of the spacious enclosure, making it easy for them both the stand under the stream of water. Again they kiss and kiss, holding each other under the gentle current. Like kissing in the rain... and with the in between breaths murmuring 'husband', whenever they get the chance.

Rodney steps out of the shower first, pulling one of the large cotton towels around himself. On the way back to the bedroom, he finds leftovers of the s'mores and grabs one of the artisanal graham crackers to munch on. John was right, they are really good.

He takes a bite as climbs under the fluffy covers. Rodney has never felt more spoiled in his life. Everything is perfect and delicious and wonderful. And he is married... to John. A current of pleasure vibrates through his chest. It's unbelievable how wonderful it feels.

"Hey!" John's form fills the doorway, "Are you... eating crackers in bed?"

Mumbling with a guilty mouthful, Rodney nods. John jumps onto the bed laughing. He reaches lazily for Rodney's cracker, "Gimme that."

Arching away, Rodney stuffs what's left into in mouth. His cheeks are too full to laugh much without spitting all the crumbs back out on the bed. If John doesn't get off of him soon... he needs to stop trying to tickle... Rodney is finally able to swallow most of his mouthful and fight back, wrestling with John in earnest. He loves feeling John's strong arms twisting around him and holding him down.

He wiggles out from under just a bit and uses his legs to pivot John's waist just enough...

"Ha!" Rodney gloats at his triumph as he flips John on his back. John's body is still shaking with laughter and he surrenders easily as Rodney perches on his waist.

Swallowing the last of the remaining crumbs in his mouth, Rodney kisses his husband's irresistible lips. He professes his undying love and praises John's great skill as a lover.

They tumble around each other and wrap themselves up in a tangle of skin, holding each other tight and kissing until their eyelids are heavy and the sound of chirping birds can be heard in the garden outside.

"I'm so deliriously and happy," John murmurs, "I don't want to sleep... Don't want to miss a single moment."

"Mmm... falling asleep anyway..." Rodney says deliriously, "still be here when we wake up."

John sighs and pulls Rodney in to spoon him. "Love-you-Mere" he mumbles into the back Rodney's neck.

As long as John's hands him, Rodney feels safe and relaxed – at home... in the arms of his husband, where he belongs. He melts into the embrace and drifts into a peaceful rest...

He doesn't wake again until late in the morning. Blinking his eyes groggily, it seems that John still sleeping soundly. Rodney lifts his chin from John's chest, petting his strong chest lovingly. John continues to breath deeply, his face so beautiful, his long lashes hanging down over his eyes. Rodney props himself up on his elbow, then leans over to kiss John's brow.

Softly, so as not to wake him up, he whispers, "Good morning, my husband. I love you... I think even more than I did yesterday." He can't resist trailing his fingers down the side of John's face.

"Mmm." John's lashes flutter and a smile hints at the corners of his mouth, "Baby, I love you so much." He reaches to up to Rodney's face and pulls him down for a kiss.

"Husband..."

"Husband..."

The excitement doesn't wane all day. They can't keep their hands off of each other. They accomplish absolutely nothing. Simply eating and taking turn fucking each other. Lounging in bed, playing games, and talking about their dreams for the future and eventually exploring the bath together.

As the sun starts to tinge the sky with orange, the two of them venture out of the tree house for the first time all day. John starts to make a fire for them to enjoy when it gets dark.

Rodney hears the sound of a car pulling up by the main house and looks over at John questioningly.

"That's probably Dave. He said he might be back tonight... Hang on, I'll be right back." John bolts out of the garden and disappears.

Pausing, Rodney follows the path back to parking lot. Just on the edge of the garden, he spies John standing with Dave. He is gesturing empathically and Rodney frowns momentarily mistaking it for an argument. But then Dave looks thrilled and throws his arms around John, hugging him fiercely.

When he lets go, Dave lifts John's right hand and grins contagiously at the ring.  
John seems to be telling the story of their 'wedding' and Rodney doesn't want to interrupt.

He winds his way back to fire and relaxes into one of the comfortable chairs. After a while he hears the two of them coming down the path. A strong hand grips his shoulder from behind. He knows what John's hands feel like, this is different. He turns his head to see Dave's smiling face.

"Congratulations! Brother-in-Law." Dave's hand shakes Rodney's shoulder with excitement. Rodney stands to greet him and finds himself being pulled into deep hug. He pats his arms on Dave's back and then squeezes back, returning the enthusiastic affection.

As Rodney steps back, his eyes crinkle warmly at Dave, "Thanks. For everything... John told me you played a big part in... Well, everything." Rodney gestures.

"Yes, well. You're very welcome. It's been exciting... John wasn't always so sure... but I was positive you would love it." Dave catches Rodney's hand in his and smiles at the ring, "I'm thrilled for you both."

Rodney's grin widens, a bit bashful but mostly struck by the warm sensation in his chest of being included, truly being a part of something.

The three of them pull their seats around the fire drinking beer. John scoots his chair right up alongside Rodney's. It is a nice, being able to be demonstrative in front of Dave, to hold John's hand or rest his head on his shoulder.

Dave tells them about the progress at the new development site. The IOA has approved Sheppard-McKay Aeronautics to use the proprietary designs of Rodney's new wormhole drive and preliminary engineering is already underway.

It will be the first interplanetary space vessel that will not be under direct control of the military... the first privately funded venture. Dave jokes that now that Rodney is living at Dunnigan Ranch, it will be easy for him to come by and give his input on the rest of the design.

"And I still get naming rights." Rodney reminds him.

John buries his face in his hands, "Oh, this is going to be a disaster."

"I'm sensing a trend here, with the insistence in having his name be part of the company." Dave smiles.

"Well, just be grateful that he didn't a design a company flag with his face on it." John remarks.

"Hey!" Rodney swats John playfully.

"Also," John looks at Rodney diplomatically, "in related news, you should know that he renamed the ranch."

"What?" Dave looks amused, "He did?"

"We agreed on it together." Rodney purses his lips.

"What is it?" Dave asks.

John takes a swig and answers. "Solaris."

"Solar-is Ranch?"

"Just Solaris." John tells him.

"Hmm. Okay." Dave raises his brows, "Sounds a little bit like a spa, but not terrible."

"Yeah. Try brilliantly 'not terrible'. Rodney laughs, a tad buzzed from his beer.

"I actually like it." John admits.

Dave laughs and shrugs.

"I'm naming the houses though." John states.

"All of them?" Rodney tilts his head.

"No, no. Just the big house and the tree house."

"Okay, what are they called?" Rodney asks.

"Oh, let's see..." John turns behind him and peers in the direction of the big Mansion where Daniel and Vala will be staying when first arrive. "We can call this one... mmm... 'McKay Manor'"

"Excellent choice, sir." Rodney beams in approval.

"Your naming them both after him?" Dave shakes his head at John, "You really are hopeless. Then, I'm calling my place, 'Sheppard Lodge' – got to retain some of our heritage."

"Well, what's the other one named?" Rodney asks Dave.

"John's been calling it 'Maison Mere'," Dave answers, "Maison for short. It's a French thing. We both learned to speak it growing up"

"So, Mere," Rodney smiles, "for me..."

"And Maison is the French word for house." John answers.

"It has a very majestic sound to it. I like it." Rodney eyes sparkle at John over the dim light.

The three of them keep chatting about the future of Solaris. As they open a second round of beers, they devolve into silly jokes and stories from the past. The evening passes in reverie and at the end of the night, Rodney climbs into John's arms. Perfectly happy and blissful, perfectly home.

After an early breakfast the following morning, John and Rodney pack up get ready to be beamed back to Atlantis.

Fitting his com over his ear, John looks at Rodney, "You ready to step back into our other life?"

"I don't know... No? Do we have to go back?"

John sets his bag down and reaches his arms around Rodney's waist, pulling him into an embrace, "We can come back here tonight... We grab a few more things. We don't have to wait."

"Yes. We come back here tonight..." Rodney nestles in against John's chest, "Wait. Won't that look bad?"

"Well... we get a few of our friends to come along?" John proposes, rubbing his hands over Rodney's back.

Quivering in anticipation, Rodney throws his arms around John's neck, kissing him in approval. John's hands runs up Rodney's neck and rest under his jaw, cradling his face. His eyes are penetrating and tender all at once, "I love you. I've loved you for such a long time... my husband."

Oh, Rodney will miss not being able to do this whenever he feels like it. He takes John's skilled tongue in his mouth. After a long passionate kiss, they catch their breath.

"When will you ever learn husband..." Rodney lifts John's right hand and kisses the ring, "I've loved you so much longer."

Shaking his head in mirth, John stoops to press a small kiss on Rodney's lips, "Okay. You win."

"No, no." Rodney ducks his head, "You win. After all this, you clearly win. Because, you love me so much better."

John's eyes sparkle. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah." He squeezes John's hand one last time, "I'm ready."

Touching the com to activate it, John speaks in his Colonel voice, "Atlantis, This is Sheppard, we are clear for beam out. Do you copy?"

Rodney takes a step back to put a professional distance between them.

"Copy, Sheppard. Stand by for beam out. We've locked onto your transmitters."

.  
.


	130. Surrogate and extended family

.

.

Ronon is eating breakfast in cafeteria with Jennifer when Daniel and Vala come in and tell them the news that John and Rodney are back.

"So..." Ronon searches their faces in anticipation. "How did they seem?"

Vala's eyes sparkle with mischief and she is forcing back one of her big grins, "We couldn't really talk about it, but I think they both looked very... very happy."

Clearing the last few bites off his plate, Ronon washes it down with a big gulp of water, "Where are they?"

"They were still in the gate room when we left." Daniel answers.

He looks up at Jennifer, who gives him a quick nod and smile, then pushes himself back from the table, impatient to hear about how the big weekend went down. He makes his way quickly to the gate room. John doesn't seem to be here anymore but he spies Rodney up at one of the consoles.

"Hey! Good to see you back." He strides over and clamps his hand down on Rodney's shoulder. His eyes are curious, relaying more than a welcome.

Rodney's face lights up and his eyes sparkle, he looks down to his hands on the keyboard. Ronon's eyes follow and he catches the glint of the silver band John had shown him.

Knowing what that means, he pats Rodney on the shoulder, "Come on. Let's get outta here."

As they head to the transporter, Ronon keeps a stoic look on his face until the door slides closed. Then he turns with his arms folded, looking expectantly at Rodney.

"Okay. What happened?"

"Um," Rodney blinks in excitement, his whole face beaming, "um, everything happened. We ah, um... Well, I guess you knew all about the ranch. Why do you always find out about everything before I do?"

"And?" Ronon shakes his head and rolls his eyes, "Does this ring on your hand mean your married now?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah. We totally... married, not legally, but yeah. Oh my God." Rodney rubs his arms with a happy shiver. Closing his eyes in excitement, Rodney's seems lost in a pleasant memory.

"Congratulations!" Ronon laughs and grabs him around the chest, lifting him off his feet a little.

"Yeah. Just put me down... Thanks." Rodney smiles and gives Ronon a playful punch in the shoulder.

Spinning the silver band on his finger Rodney confides, "I just hope no one notices these... We're wearing them on the wrong hand, so hopefully it won't draw attention."

"Wrong hand?" Ronon asks, baffled by all the cultural oddities on Earth.

"Yeah, it usually only means something if it's in this finger here, so we switched hands hoping it will just seem coincidental if anyone notices..."

The doors to the transporter slide open, Rodney peers ahead to make sure there is no one in the hall to overhear them. He lowers his voice even though they are alone.

"Do you think anyone would think... I mean if you didn't know, would you have thought...?"

"I'm not that familiar with this stuff, so I wouldn't have thought much about it." Ronon shrugs and thinks for a minute, "I would have probably noticed the rings though, eventually."

"Oh." Rodney looks distressed by his answer and stops walking.

"I wouldn't have thought anything about it, though." Ronon offers as reassurance. "Aren't there any other reasons your people wear rings?"

"Yeah, sure." Rodney frowns, "Sometimes people wear matching rings if they're members of the same school or club. Otherwise they just wear them for decoration I guess."

"What kind of club?" Ronon is curious, "Like the military?"

"Like a social club... Well, ah, yeah it could be a military unit I suppose, but I think military guys tend to go for the matching tattoos."

It seems like the more Ronon knows, the more complicated and confusing it all gets. "What does it signify when the members wear matching bands?"

"Oh..." Rodney starts walking again, nearing the quarters, "connections, social standing, solidarity, that kind of thing."

"While the marriage rings signify commitment." Ronon states it without question. John explained it to him already.

"That..." Rodney smiles slyly at Ronon, "and a whole lot of other stuff."

Ronon lifts his brows at Rodney in question.

Leaning his head to the side, like Ronon is stupid for making him explain, Rodney tells him, "Romanic stuff." But his sarcasm is short lived, he slaps Ronon's arm affectionately as they reach the door, "Come on. John'll be happy to see you."

The door slides open and John looks up, "Hey buddy!"

Ronon strides over to him squeezes his arms around his friend, "Took you long enough old man!"

"Yeah, yeah." John laughs.

"When I think of all the years," Ronon looks over to Rodney, "whining and pining over you-"

"All right, all right." John cuts him off "Just shut up. You're supposed to be congratulating me."

"Congratulations. I mean it." Ronon grins.

"You don't think they're too obvious do you?" John rolls his fingers over the band on his hand.

Noticing a hint of shadow over his John's smile. Ronon feels a sudden sadness that his friends still have to hide their happiness and live in fear of reprisal. But he keeps the emotion from bleeding through to his expression.

Still smiling widely, he tells John, "No. Not at all."

John nods in relief, "So, Rodney and I want to get back to the ranch tonight-"

"Solaris." Rodney pipes in.

"Right." John continues, "That's the name of the ranch now. We want to get back to Solaris right away. The thing is, we were wondering if you might be game to come with us?"

"I'm with you." Ronon answers without hesitation, eager to do whatever he can to help.

He listens to the details of their plan and assures them that Jennifer will probably be willing to go tonight as well. When he has finished catching up with them, he heads down to the infirmary.

"Carson."

"Ronon." Carson turns and smiles.

Even though they are alone in the room, Ronon leans in and whispers in low voice, "Thought you might like to congratulate the married couple."

"No! Did they? Really?"

"They did."

"Oh my God, I can't believe Rodney didn't tell me."

"John surprised him... so he didn't know either."

"I can't believe it." Carson exhales and shakes his head.

"Yeah, pretty exciting stuff... Look, before you head up there, I wanted to see if you could help me with something. A kind of... present for them."

"Sure. What do you need?"

Ronon thinks for a minute. This idea is just coming together in his own mind... "Well, they have these matching silver bands... they said they're wearing them on the 'wrong' hands. They're worried that someone will figure it out. Well, what I was thinking is, that if a few of us guys wore some on the same finger... It would like more like a club or something."

"I just don't know where to get something like that." Ronon looks over to Carson to gauge his reaction.

Carson smiles conspiratorially, "That's brilliant, Ronon. I can't think of better way to show our support."

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* * *

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The migration happens in waves over the next week. Ronon, Jennifer, and Carson coming back with them that first night at Solaris. Daniel and Vala following a few days later. By the week's end, Teyla, Kanan, and baby Torren are all packed and ready to go.

This weekend, John and Rodney are driving to Colorado Springs to pack up Rodney's old apartment, and more importantly, to collect Blinky.

After loading up the U-Haul with all of Rodney's things, John feels a little nervous ringing the neighbor's bell after talking to her on the phone. When Stephanie opens the door, she still seems a little put out.

She shakes her head at Rodney, "I honestly never thought you were coming back him. I mean, it's been years."

"And I am really sorry about that." Rodney apologizes, I know that must seem really sudden-"

"It its sudden."

"Yeah, I know, again I'm really sorry."

"So what happened to your job, why are you picking up and moving to California?" She asks.

"That's where my job is now." Rodney explains "And I have a perfect home for him now on a ranch, with a tree house to climb, and everything-"

"He going to miss Mr. Bond. He gets lonely you know."

"I know," Rodney's face falls, "he's such a great little guy, I've missed him so much. And he deserves a great life. I promise I can give that to him now."

Stephanie sighs and relents, "Come on in. I'll get the cat carrier."

She points to some kitchen cabinet, "His food's in there, he's pretty picky about whet he'll eat."

"Binky! Binky Boy!" A small calico cat come running to sound of Stephanie's voice, "There's my good boy. I have a special treat for you."

Rodney pulls something fishy-smelling out of pocket and confides to John, "I think I have something he'll like better."

"Bliiiiinkeeeeeeeee" The cat runs towards Rodney instead and he feeds him whatever disgusting thing he had stashed in the plastic bag.

"Yes, you missed your Papa, I know you did..." Rodney kisses Binky all over.

John turns his face to hide his amusement at this never before heard Rodney speak in this baby voice before.

"How's my sweet prince... my sweet little guy... I love you so much Binky. You can have another sardine if you go inside the carrier, it- Go- Good boy!"

Rodney lifts the cat carrier. "You got the supplies?"

"We are clear for mission deployment." John assures him.

"Thanks Stephanie, can't thank you enough." Rodney clears his throat awkwardly, "We'll get out of your hair now"

Rodney sighs in relief on the way to the truck, "Thought we'd never got out of there. I laced the sardines with sedatives; he should sleep most of the way.

"It won't be long" John reassures, "We'll take turns driving."

"And then when he wakes up, he will be in a wonderful paradise."

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Solaris feels different now that everyone has been here some months, more vibrant and alive. The Athosian kids still run across the fields with their old Wraith masks, playing games. Just like they were the first night John met them.

Dave's big modern house has been finished and he has taken it upon himself to restore the garden pools nearby. Vala's 'castle' is also finished, and Daniel has decided to move into with her, keeping his own building for a research lab and library. Daniel admits now that is hopelessly in love with Vala and credits Rodney for helping see past the end of his nose.

Binky has made himself completely at home in Solaris, especially once they added a little cat door to the entry of the tree house door. He has complete freedom to come and go as he pleases. At night he curls up at the end of John and Rodney's bed. John has become almost as fond of him as Rodney, as if he is little cat child they are raising together.

The ring ceremony that Ronon orchestrated was deeply touching. Somehow Ronon managed to get some similar looking silver rings and convince Carson, Daniel, and Dave to join them in an oath over the flames of the fit pit. It sounded very official as they all swore to wear the bands on their right hands until such day that John and Rodney would not have to hide their marriage.

Rodney had looked at John little nervously as Ronon called for an oath of honor over the flames. But they had all held their arms up high over the flames. Finally, Ronon lifted his arm in triumph, shouting something that sounds like akin battle cry.

"What did we just agree to?" Rodney had whispered to John.

"Now! We celebrate!" Ronon shouted, beaming widely.

And they had. Just like are now, sitting around the fire drinking some of the holiday hard cider that Ronon can't get enough of.

John looks at Rodney sitting next to him. He is beaming over the fact that Jeannie and her family came to Solaris for Christmas. Even if she politely refused the offer to move into the house they have dubbed 'Miller Manor'. John is sure the Millers will be back for frequent visits. Madison loves it here and neither of her parents seem to be able to keep her from running wild in the gardens.

The idea suddenly hits John that he and Rodney are having their first official holidays with the in-laws. The fact that it hadn't occurred to him until now is probably a good sign, everybody seems to be getting along.

Rodney sits up from his chair and sets his plate of food aside, "Hey Jeanie, let me get you another drink. You are seriously missing out on these stuffed pheasants, I'm telling you."

She gives Rodney a dubious and amused look as he hands her a fresh drink, "Okay. Whatever you say Mr. Bigtime."

As the night goes on, jokes and gifts are exchanged, stories are told and everyone basks in the radiance of the of the fire. Eventually, Kaleb stands to propose a toast to John and Rodney. Everyone lifts their glasses except Jennifer who seems to be without a drink.

"Someone get Jennifer a drink." Dave calls out.

"What are you drinking?" John stands.

"Just, just water or juice if you have it." Jennifer looks embarrassed. "Sorry, don't mean to be a spoil sport."

"Come on. Just have one drink with us." Vala complains.

"Um, I can't right now." Jennifer says uncomfortably.

"A bottle of bubbly water?" John offers.

"Thanks that's great." Jennifer nods bashfully as she stands up and lifts the bottle, "To John and Rodney. Thank you for bringing us all here to celebrate and helping us create this home together."

Everyone cheers and Carson shouts cheerfully. "Here, Here."

Afterwards there is a moment of awkward silence and a few glances in Jennifer's direction. She clears her throat, and looks to Ronon. He smiles sheepishly at her and nods.

"We ah, well, we were going to wait a while to tell people. But I guess I'm pretty bad at keeping a secret-"

"I'm going to be father!" Ronon gushes with pride.

"We're having a baby." Jennifer confirms, "I'm about 4 months along."

Vala immediately proposes another toast, which is followed by cheering and clapping for the happy news.

Ronon pulls Jennifer into his lap and holds her close, grinning widely at everyone.

"This is very exciting." Vala clasps her hands together and leans forward. She looks at Daniel, "I'm going to be an Auntie!"

"Are you planning to stay on Atlantis?" Teyla asks.

"I don't know." Jennifer admits, "Of course I'll have to take a leave of absence... But after that, I don't know when I'll be ready to come back."

"Just take it one day at time" Teyla assures her, "You'll know what's right when it comes. Even though I'm not on an active team, I've found the IOA has been flexible about letting me work on a project by project basis."

Jennifer nods, "Hey, I've got another one... How about we toast Vala and Daniel? For taking the big plunge to move in together-"

"Which they never would have done without my help and meddling." Rodney interjects.

Daniel makes a face and lifts his glass, "To Rodney, then. And to Vala, the lady of the castle."

"Here, here!" Vala clinks her glass to Daniel's bottle.

"Cheers." John takes a sip of his beer feeling warm with the feeling of family and friendship around him.

As the hour gets late, most everyone drifts back to their houses to sleep. John sits with his arm around comfortably around Rodney, lingering by the fire with Dave, Jeanie, and Daniel. But he is too tired to join in the serious discussion Jeanie and Dave have gotten into about Sheppard-McKay Aeronautics and the future of the space program.

Rodney whispers to John, wondering if he should intervene and cut it short. But John supposes Dave will get an earful of Jeanie unfiltered sooner or later...

"Sure, Jeanie retorts, "I get the financial reasons, but what I'm saying is that humanity has nothing to gain from this tech moving into private hands. It sounds like no one is giving any thought as to how this technology is supposed to eventually benefit the public.

Right now there is nothing to stop the government or, sorry, a corporation like yours, from seizing control and profiting off the fact that they will have a monopoly. A monopoly that could put a significant population at a severe disadvantage."

Daniel chimes in, "I, I have to say, I agree with Jeanie. We've been walking a fine line for a while and it seems to me that lately we've fallen into dangerous territory."

Dave frowns, "Because companies like mine are funding development that wouldn't happen otherwise?"

"No," Jeanie cuts in, "because companies like yours have nothing to stop them from exploiting their advantage purely for the sake of profit. That's what they were designed to do, not function as a benefactor for humanity.

And this is an inheritance that belongs to our children and our children's children. I want them to achieve energy independence and reach for the stars. That is where the future lays. I don't want them enslaved to a corporation that owns the rights to everything.

Knowledge should be free. Did you know that 1/5 of our genes, the very building blocks of our being, have been patented by major pharmaceutical corporations?"

"And here we go." Rodney rolls his eyes at John.

"No. Mere," Jeanie gestures emphatically, "This is serious. Our rights are being eroded every day, just look at a company like Monsanto, giving themselves patent rights to seeds and then destroying original strains to force a monopoly."

Daniel tries to to say something but Jeanie keeps talking a mile a minute, "The debasement of our food supply and the cancer causing properties of these, these plastics they are feeding us are just one example of how the corporate structure has fundamentally failed the populations they exploit.

They should be providing services, not exploiting us. Tell me Dave, why will your company be any different? What service are you providing that is truly for good? And don't give me another bullshit answer about profits."

"Well," Dave glances at John, "right now, we're building Rodney's Wormhole drive and P.U.D. It's just a little hard to answer that question without getting into financials, looking at the economics of a project. Financial viability is a reality that even non-profits have to take into account.

I'm hoping to accomplish something positive by developing this spacecraft. Hopefully, taking the first steps towards interstellar independence without reliance on the government controlled gate. But the financiers involved need to see real returns from other technological applications."

"Aren't you the principle financier?" Jeanie narrows her eyes at Dave.

"I represent the majority, yes-"

"And aren't you, basically, like, a billionaire?" She challenges.

Dave's mouth hangs open for a moment, as if he is unsure of what to say.

Rodney looks over to John, as if he is wondering if he should rescue his brother in law. But John is unperturbed and amused.

"Well, basically. Sure." Dave answers.

"Then you could do something about this. I mean, how much money do you possibly need? Think about it. We can't rely on various world powers to look out for our shared interests. The IOA is proof of that –they keep each other in check with international treaties but they are hardly a humanitarian entity.

They just represent the big world players. If the plan truly is to make the dream of space travel public knowledge, at some date in the future, then what we need is someone to set up a trust, funded by the profits currently being made."

Dave smiles diplomatically, "I'm not in control of all the profits, so-"

"Didn't you just say that you were a billionaire?"

"And didn't you say you were smarter than your brother?" Dave laughs.

Rodney shakes his head but Jeanie answers without skipping a beat, "I am."

"Hmm..." Dave spins his bottle in his hand, "Well, I tell what, you come work for me, and we hammer out this plan you have for a... trust. Something to protect the future interests of space travel."

John looks to Jeanie and enjoys the baffled expression on her face. For a moment she is speechless. "Uh, well, uh, I'm not a corporate lackey. I prefer to spend my time engaging in edifying activities. Things I know are doing good."

"Mmm." Dave shrugs, "Well, I wasn't proposing that you work on anything you don't find worthy. You just sounded pretty passionate about the idea. I'm rather intrigued to see what you would do with it. Think about it."

Jeanie opens her mouth and peers at Dave over the fire, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah."

"Okay..." She ponders, "Well, I'll give at a little thought. Our life is in Vancouver, but I could come up with a proposal, maybe email you something you could use."

"Looking forward to that." Dave smiles.

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* * *

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Shortly after the birth of Ara, Ronon and Jennifer's daughter, Jeanie and her family finally agree to move to Solaris. Rodney is thrilled. After consulting with Dave and Rodney online for the last 10 months her interest in the project has steadily grown. And now she is here in time for Ronon and Jennifer's wedding. Torren is only 2, too young to really participate in the ceremony, but Jennifer invites Madison to be the flower girl.

Jennifer, of course, had to explain all the Earth traditions to Ronon. John was asked to be the best man, and Vala the maid of honor. Rodney doesn't take it personally that he and the other weren't asked to be in the wedding party. There need to be some guests after all. Jennifer's dad is here to walk his daughter down the aisle. Also a number of friendly faces from Atlantis and Athos are here for the ceremony.

Solaris is big enough to accommodate them all and Rodney has moved some of his things into 'McKay Manor' the mansion sized main house to make it look like he and John live separately. That is where most of the guests will be staying anyway and he just plays the part of host. Whenever someone asks about the treehouse, he just says it is John's private lair and leaves it off of the tour.

It would be nice not have to play a charade in his own home. But Rodney really wants Ronon and Jennifer to enjoy themselves, so he puts his personal feelings about the deception aside. It's just for the weekend.

Rodney tries to imagine what a perfect world would feel like, one where he didn't always have to worry and lie about John. Lately he has been following the political news, there have been rumblings about a possible repeal for Don't Ask Don't Tell. Nothing should get his hopes up about, but still he can't help himself.

Dave taps his shoulder and interrupts Rodney's musings, "Hey, you excited?"

Feeling guilty for being lost in his own thoughts, Rodney glances over to the chairs and decorations being set up for the ceremony, "Yeah, uh, yes. I'm very happy for them."

"Oh." Dave looks a little guilty himself, "Right. The wedding. Ah, I was just thinking about Jeanie moving and being here to work full time at SMA."

"Is that was we're calling it now?" Rodney smirks.

Dave shrugs, "Acronyms are shorter." He eyes Rodney carefully, "Okay... So, I know you're just a little bit smarter than Jeanie-"

"She said you told her the same thing." Rodney isn't buying it.

"Nonsense." Dave keeps a poker face, "But we both know we wouldn't have finished the designs so quickly without her."

It's true. And as much as he and Jeannie squabble, it will be fun working side by side with her. Rodney won't admit to her, but he is really proud of the IIF, the International Interstellar Fund, she has developed. Over the next 30 years, a percentage of profits will be funneled accounts to purchase land and develop 12 international sites. They will remain top secret of course, until the technology goes public and they are ready to train people. Rodney knows there is more to it than that, she has created a viable way to transition the technology into public hands.

"You know," Dave looks wistful, "Since my divorce, I didn't imagine there would be any kids are in my future. So this seems like a good way to leave a legacy for Madison and the others."

"Oh," Rodney teases him, "you've been spending too much time with Jeanie, she's turning you soft."

Dave laughs, "I don't suppose you and John plan to have kids?"

Rodney wrinkles his nose with a sarcastic face, "Ah, yeah, just as soon as that becomes scientifically possible."

Waving his hand, Dave continues, "I meant, adopt or whatev –Oh never mind."

"It's a damn good legacy." Rodney pats Dave on the shoulder and smiles, "The IIF and the Magellan."

"The Magellan. Is that what we're calling it now?" Dave asks wryly.

"Yes. It's a good name." Rodney pauses a little uncertainly, "Isn't it?"

"Yeah." Dave keeps a straight face, "You come up with that yourself?"

Rodney turns his face and gives Dave a pointed look, "I, yes. I'm the one who decided, so I came up with it. John... may have helped a bit but we both agreed that, uh, I get full credit."

Dave chuckles quietly, "It's a pretty cool ship, you know. Not all boxy like the old SGC designs."

"Cool?" Rodney gapes at Dave, "Cool doesn't even begin to describe it. I know you're probably all impressed by the exterior designs. Yes, Yes, the bridge is 'cool' with the curving lines of Naquada reinforced steel and large paneled windows. But the true genius? This baby has the ability to create a stable wormhole with Zero Point energy from subspace without the use of a ZPM." Rodney lifts a finger, "AND, and a PUD drive to navigate parallel dimensions."

Rodney shakes his head at Dave, "We have everything the Daedalus does, just on a smaller scale. Enough to accommodate a crew of 25 on an extended voyage even though, you know, travel time will be nearly instantaneous. So... Cool? No. This is... Yeah. You know what?" Rodney lifts his beer to salute the dated and nostalgic TV show of his youth, "Suck it Enterprise."

Dave lifts his drink in to the toast "Almost wish I was going with you. You know it's almost ironic that SGC wants you to use the ship to search for more ZMPs when you've invented a better power source."

"Yeah, well, they still need them for the Ancient tech." Rodney smiles. The IOA wants the Magellan's first mission to be a run-down of more farfetched ZPM possibilities... but Rodney and the others have something else in mind.

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	131. The mission to Pegasus brings a new foe

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The mission back to Pegasus brought conflicting feelings for Ronon. After the Wraith destroyed his people, he vowed to spend his life avenging them. He had just never imagined having any other kind of life worth living for -his wife Jennifer, and Ara his 4 month old daughter. A more primal part of himself felt the need to stay with them, to be by their side and protect them. But Jennifer had urged him to go and get closure, reminding him that she and Ara would have Jeanie, Kaleb, Kannan, and Dave all looking after them at Solaris. And so that had been it. He'd be joining Teyla and the others, finally bringing an end to the Wraith… well, almost.

For a while the IOA had argued that they didn't want the trial run of Rodney's new ship to involve travelling so far out of the Milky Way, all the way back to the Pegasus galaxy. Woolsey still thinks it's too risky without backup, since it will take 3 weeks for one of the Daedalus class ships to be in range if a rescue is needed. Not that the SGC is willing to send one of their ships with them. In the end, it had been Dave's clout with the IOA that forced the issue and let them go.

But even if they hadn't been given the go ahead, Ronon knows they would had left anyway. From the moment Carson had perfected his retrovirus treatment, John and the others were adamant that they had no choice but to return. They would find a way back to Pegasus, to end the Wraith and aid the Hoffan plague with the new airborne antidote Jennifer perfected.

As he looks up from the briefing room table, Ronon scowls thinking of Todd. Woolsey is yammering on about something, still trying to convince John that he should take Lorne's team as backup.

There is a moment of quiet tension in the room before John continues explaining to Woolsey why a crew of eight will be sufficient. No one else has training on Rodney's new ship design. John, Rodney and Vala are all capable of flying the craft home… And the rest of them, he, Teyla, Daniel, and Carson have been trained on its other operational systems. That makes seven.

"And Todd?" Woolsey gives John a sour look.

"He knows Wraith tech better than any of us." John shrugs.

Ronon can't understand why John wants to set him loose again, Todd has turned on them every chance he's had. They want to use Todd to spread Carson's new retrovirus developed from the altered DNA after being fed upon by that Iratus Queen bug thing. And it has something do with the Wraith enzyme Michael created for his clones. Ronon wasn't really paying attention to the part about how they got the retrovirus to work. As long as it really does work and keeps the Wraith from being able to feed on humans, that's all that matters.

Still, they can do it without Todd, by injecting that stuff into the ship hulls that will integrate with the Wraith biology. Since they can track the Hive ships, Carson says it shouldn't take long. But they still want Todd in case they need him to convince Hives they can't hit directly with the retrovirus to take the treatment voluntarily.

Ronon knows one thing for sure, never trust a Wraith. Even if the thing has a working digestive system and no feeding hand, it's still a Wraith. They just need to make sure to track down all the Hive ships themselves, it's the only way to be sure. He plans to be watching Todd's every move. If he gets out of line, even for a moment, Ronon's pulse rifle will end him; they don't need him to complete the mission.

"Well, regardless of how effective these treatments are, I still expect you all back in 3 weeks time." Woolsey makes a tight grimace, "WE need that PUD back here to help us in the Milky Way. The chair defense platform needs more ZPM's and this parallel drive is our best chance of finding them."

Ronon snorts audibly. Funny how they've changed their tune about the drive now that Rodney's managed to develop a working prototype. Realizing that Woolsey is eyeing him sharply Ronon shifts his gaze ambivalently to the floor, saying nothing. He knows they all plan on staying in Pegasus longer than three weeks, as long as it takes. But he doesn't want to give anything away by acting like they don't care what Woolsey has to say about it. Even though they don't.

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* * *

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Carson is sure John had something to do with the retro Sci-Fi look of this ship; the design is much different than the simple functional SGC ships. Folding his arms, Carson stands to the side of the bridge a bit uncomfortable with the duty assigned to him, watching Todd. Fortunately Ronan always seems to be nearby glaring with his hand resting eagerly on his pulse rifle.

"Excited to be returning home?" Carson asks Todd nervously.

Todd merely growls in response. Right. Probably a wee bit grouchy about all the time he's spent in captivity on Earth. Clearing his throat, Carson looks back to his teammates on the bridge.

Rodney is busying himself taking readings and tracking ships systems. "Everything is in the green. Drive is ready to power up."

"You sure about that, McKay?" John smirks.

"As long as you can figure out how to turn the thing on, Colonel" Rodney retorts.

Vala and Ronon exchange an amused look from their seats at weapons control while Rodney stoops over Daniel's shoulder at navigation, "Okay, activate the cloak."

Daniel hits some switches on the retro-looking console. "Cloak activated."

"Control, this is Sheppard. we are go for takeoff."

"Copy, Sheppard. Magellan is a go."

The engine comes online with a whirr, and Carson grips the console near him nervously. He knows Rodney has been working out the kinks in this drive for a while, but he can't help but hold his breath as the ship lifts out of the top of the open hanger.

He doesn't feel any change in momentum as he watches the Bay Area peninsula quickly drop away from them and fade into a brown speck. Wisps of clouds flit around them and then the view becomes obscured by larger white swirls drifting in the upper atmosphere. The planet looks so peaceful from up here; a perfect blue orb covered in swaths of white.

John's voice breaks through his thoughts. "Daniel, we can drop the cloak and activate shields."

"Okay." Rodney hurries to John's side, "Wait-wait-wait. Let me just check before we tap directly into that subspace energy... Yeah-yeah-okay. Everything is still in the green."

"Pegasus, here we come." John grins back at the crew lifting his hand over a large button on his controls.

"WAIT!" Rodney cries out, "Wait-wait-wait!"

"What is it?!" John's hand freezes.

"I-I just wanted to press the button."

"By all means, Rodney. Don't let me stop you." John laughs and shakes his head.

"Ah, Pegasus..." Rodney takes a deep breath and raises his hand over the button looking pleased, "It's a journey we've... Well, after all this time..."

"Rodney." John groans impatiently.

"Right." Rodney lowers his hand.

The light bends around them in green arcs, spiraling tunnels that bend around them endlessly. It seems different than how Carson remembered it, maybe bigger, a bigger wormhole to fit the size of the ship. He inches closer to the front view panels, mesmerized by the bands of lights that make his head dizzy.

And then as suddenly as it started, the wormhole disappears. Nothing but clear dark space in front of them.

"We're on target," Daniel updates them, "in the Lantean solar system. I'm picking up 3 Hive ships on long range sensors... A quick jump will put us right on top of one of them."

"You are sure that this will not harm them?" Todd glowers at Carson.

Gulping anxiously, Carson explains, "Well, as sure as I possibly can be. I've been working on it for years, you've seen the results yourself..."

Todd snarls but stays silent as the crew readies the ship to jump. With barely a moment to adjust to the new bearing in space, the ship is wrapped in the twisting green arms of the wormhole again. And then they are within range of one of those massive scary Wraith ships.

"It's coming towards us!" Carson announces hurridly.

"That's okay, we're cloaked." John's voice is calm, "They're just coming to investigate the anomaly. We're moving too and they can't see us."

Rodney chimes in, "Carson, they have no way of knowing that we can open wormholes without a gate. And wormholes do occasionally open and close at random."

"Right." Carson's voice is tight as the massive structure comes closer and closer.

"I'm almost lined up with the target area. Ronon, you ready to deploy a canister?" John asks.

"Ready whenever you are." He replies.

"I just want to get as close as possible so they don't detect anything breaching the hull, we gotta get this stuff absorbed into the organics of the ship and reproducing it for us", John pauses, "Okay almost there... Ready on my mark. Three, two, one, mark."

"So far so good," Rodney paces, "Not detecting anything from the ship..."

"It's going to be a day or so before they experience any changes, let's cross the next one off the list." John suggests, "...Unless, Teyla? Do you detect a Queen here?"

"No, John." Teyla shakes her head.

"Okay, lets get moving"

"There are not as many Hive ships as there once were." Todd says ruefully, "Michael and the Replicators greatly diminished our numbers. We must find a Queen to unite the fragmented Hives."

"Aye." Carson admits, "That will be the tricky part. Getting close enough to a Queen to deliver a large enough dose in person. I'm sure we'll find one though."

John takes the ship far enough away from the Hive to open another wormhole without being detected. The next hit goes smoothly, much like the original and the search and deploy pattern becomes methodical.

By the end of the day, they have hit 9 ships, but none of them with a Queen on board. In order for them all to get some rest, John hides the cloaked ship in the orbit of a ruined moon. Tomorrow they will check the progress of the infected ships and attempt to find more.

After a week they have infected a total of 42 ships. John lets Todd go to make contact with some of the transformed Hives; he reports back that he has been able to form a small alliance. But Todd is very disturbed by the discovery that their remaining Queens are missing, said to have been taken captive by an unknown enemy.

No one knows who is taking them or where they have gone. Just that they kept disappearing. Todd tells them they will be lucky to find another 50 Hives left in the Galaxy. Then he parts ways again with the Magellan to help his people build a new life and search for a Queen.

With the delivery of the Wraith cure looking successful, Carson takes a Jumper with Teyla to go administer his Hoffan vaccine to some of the hardest hit worlds.

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* * *

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Rodney is pleased with how well the mission has gone, they should be able to write the Wraith off as predators forever and return home. Today they got another 3 Hives. By Todd's estimation they should have gotten them all. While there may be a few stragglers out there, those who have turned have joined with Todd. And Todd now has the means to transform any others. Meanwhile, Carson's work is taking longer to than expected. He wants to stay behind for a while longer to teach more people how to reproduce the cure to the Hoffan plague.

"Ah, Rodney, looks like we got a little problem here." John says tersely.

Turning toward the front of the craft, Rodney's mouth falls open in shock, "Ah..."

He tries to count how many Hive ships exactly are converging on them. Maybe all of them?

"Yeah, just a Wraith Armada of biblical proportions." John says tightly.

Todd's voice comes over the com, "John Sheppard."

"Hey, Todd. Thought we were allies there for a minute."

"We still are. As long as you hold up your end of the bargain and heal my people."

"I thought that's what we were doing." John says skeptically.

"We will die. We cannot reproduce without our Queens. And they have been taken captive. You must treat them as you promised. Only then will we leave as allies."

"A rescue mission wasn't part of the deal," John argues, "you find your Queens and we'll treat them."

"We have already located them with the help of your friends Beckett and Teyla." Todd growls.

John's eyes flash with anger, "Taking my people captive is not the act of an ally, it is an act of war."

"Are you really prepared to go to war with me now with one spaceship, John Sheppard? I know you better than that."

"You let them go and I will consider helping you."

"No harm will come to them" Todd croons, "I am simply being a good host."

"By threatening them."

"By... motivating you to help us. We will all go to this Tempest planet together, but our ships cannot land there, the electromagnetic disturbance is too great."

"Then why would our ship be any different?"

"John Sheppard will find a way."

"He means Rodney McKay will find a way." Rodney snipes bitterly.

"Bring me my Queens and we part friends." Todd commands.

"Hardly." John cuts off the com in anger.

"Should have killed the bastard when I had a chance." Ronon growls, "So, what are we going to do?"

John shakes his head thinking, "For the moment we follow them to the planet. Assess the risk and come up with a few contingency plans."

The Magellan reaches the coordinates before the other ships arrive, giving Rodney time to take a variety of readings from orbit.

"The good news is I think our power source is going to make it possible to land on the surface of the planet. The bad news is, I don't have a way to plot any kind of course. Well, short of heading for a visual target but visibility is marginal. The interference makes a search pattern next to impossible. I would be choosing a location at random, and if I had to land again, I have no way to guarantee would be anywhere near the original site."

"So we only land once and leave." John says stoically.

"It is highly probable that these fluctuations are artificial," Rodney offers, "in which case we may be able to turn them off, but I have no way to pinpoint where they're coming from."

Todd comes in over the com with a simple, "John Sheppard."

"Listen," John opens a channel and tells him, "Here's the deal, if we find a way to land on the planet, all of us are going down, my people, your people -together. We bring the serums and look for the Queens as a team."

"What's to stop you from taking your people and leaving as soon as we arrive?"

"Well, if you don't trust us after all this, then trust your guns to fire at us before we can activate the wormhole drive. Bring Teyla and Beckett on board or no one is going anywhere."

"Very well. John Sheppard. I will trust you."

John fumes around the bridge with a glare on his face until Daniel reports they have a Dart and a Jumper ready for landing in the hanger bay.

"Open it." John's face is impassive.

Todd and six Wraiths shorlty join them on the bridge along with Teyla and Beckett.

"You okay?" John lifts his chin at them.

"I am well, John" Telya nods.

Carson simply nods at him.

"Then it looks like we're going down." John's lips pinch together, "Teyla, I think you should take the controls."

"I barely know how to fly it..."

"But you can sense the Queens, maybe you can lead us nearby, our sensors are worthless."

"I am willing to try." She agrees.

"I'll be right here in the copilot seat if you need me to take over." John assures her.

Rodney glares at Todd as the ship makes a slow descent down into the planet's atmosphere. There is no gentle glide down. In fact it seems like Teyla is veering chaotically around the planet looking for a better reading.

Suddenly, the craft lowers straight down with a shudder. The feet barely extend in time as the engines shut off, and they all fall an abrupt few inches as the ship goes silent.

"Here... It's the closest I can get." Teyla tells them. "They are weak, but still alive. I sense five of them."

"Yesss" Todd hisses.

"Doc," John turns to Carson, "you still got those vitamin shots?"

"Ready to go." Carson pats his bag.

"All right," John shoots Todd a resentful look, "Let's get out there and see what we find."

Rodney notices that Ronon looks especially lethal today, keeping his pulse rifle ready to shoot at the Wraith at a moment's notice.

The landscape outside is bizarre, like nothing Rodney has ever seen before. The orange streaked clouds hang low over the flat plains. There are volcanic looking stretches, then pockets of trees that almost look like cultivated orchards in the distance. Sand winds around strange stone pillars and structures. Rodney has to watch his step as there are strange bubbling red pools that interspersed the smooth earth.

He checks his readings and announces, "We've got caves about 50 meters to the north." The group follows his lead until there are close.

"Let me take a look around first." John stops them, "This could be a trap."

Rodney lifts his fist, giving a military full stop move. That makes John smiles at least, he grabs Rodney's hand down and shakes it playfully, "Just wait here, Mere."

John takes Ronon and Vala with him to clear the caves. Rodney huddles closer to Daniel, Teyla, and Carson. He eyes Todd and his Wraith with suspicion. The guy seems as remorseless as ever at double-crossing them.

The sound of an explosion booms from the caves and Rodney starts.

"Carson we got 'em, come in here with those shots." John yells.

Rodney and Todd follow close on his heals. John and Vala have blown away some stone structures at the entrance. Inside, the cave houses five queens all looking sickly and malnourished, too weak to break free of the strange bindings that hold them in place. There are dead bodies in there with them, human and Wraith alike, but they have not been fed upon. Serpentine blue tubes are connected to their arms, feeding up into the stone ceiling above. The ceiling… Rodney squints at the the crystalline structures growing out of the top. Oh God. Just like the ones that infected them all with nightmares.

"Sheppard?" Rodney nods his head up to the cave ceiling.

John frowns in recognition, pointing his gun up, "Carson we gotta go."

"Right." Carson shifts his eyes apprehensively to the ceiling and back down to the Queens as he readies his doses, "Let me just get these taken care of."

"My Queens, we are here to serve you." Todd kneels and begins to free them as Carson administers the retrovirus.

"Get us out of here," One of them hisses, "they are killing us!"

Todd immediately takes the Queen in his arms and carries her out of the cave. The other Wraith follow suit, lifting the others to safety.

"Stay away from the crystals... Todd's Queen orders, "They will infect you."

"We are very close to the ship, you shall be free." Todd tells her as they near the vessel.

"Whoa, whoa." John slows the group down before they enter the ship, "What do you mean infected?"

"It is how they feed." The Queen's haughty eyes are dull and dark, "We are only alive because we are... so strong. The others die and the entities return to us until they bring more hosts."

"They?" Rodney asks in alarm, "Who's they?"

"You came into contact with those crystal structures?" Carson asks.

"Yesss" another Queen rasps.

"Okay, we need to establish a quarantine right now." Carson waves his hand at the group of Wraith and backs away from Rodney and the others.

"Wait-" Rodney feels short of breath with fear, "who's bringing the-the hosts-"

"Rodney!" Carson cuts him off, "Get the other medical equiptment, the defibulators and hazmat suits from the ship."

"Yeah-yeah-yeah. How do we know it'll even work on them?"

John's voice brings him back from his rising panic, "Rodney."

Translation: Stay calm. Let's do this as fast as we can and get the hell out of here.

"Right." Rodney mutters as he and Teyla go retrieve the electrical paddles, quarantine and medical gear. When he returns Carson is standing with the group of infected Wraith, away from the bubbling pools and stone pillars by the ship.

The group of infected wait in a patch of open sand while Teyla and Daniel don hazmet suits and treat Carson first by stopping his heart with the electrical current. Rodney chews his nail anxiously while he watches Teyla revive him. She's probably the best trained among them to do this, other than Carson himself.

He exhales with relief as Carson's vitals tick back and he sits back up.

"I'm fine. I'm fine." Carson gestures the rest of them back towards the stone pillars as he pulls a hazmat suit on himself, "You all just stay clear while I take care of this."

Rodney peers at the stone constructs. They are curious structures; some of them have red pools of lava bubbling at their bases. The pools occasionally emit bubbles of air, but Rodney does not sense as much ambient heat as he would expect from molten rock. It is as if a demented Zen gardener designed this planet, a gardener Rodney is not eager to meet. The sooner they get out of here the better.

Carson is making progress, shocking the Wraith at least to a state of unconsciousness with the defibulators. Strange blue arcs fizzle out of their chests and disappear into the air. Rodney looks at his feet on the sand. Without any conductive material the entities should not be able to move between hosts.

One of the Queens becomes uncharacteristically fearful, watching the others being cured. She whimpers as she watches what is in store for her. Carson saves her for last, and tries to reassure her that the pain will be temporary, that she won't be sick anymore.

Before Carson can reach her, she leaps to her feet, "No! No one will touch me." She runs toward the ship stumbling into John. He catches her before she falls into a nearby lava pool.

"Don't move" he tells her with his legs perched on either side of the pool, leaning back into a stone pillar for support.

The Queen kicks and screams, "Let me go!" But John holds the sickly Queen from falling into the strange pool.

"John!" Rodney sees something moving out of the rock behind him. John sees it too now, like stone branches unfolding.

"AAAAHHH!" Too late, John screams as one of them punctures through his chest. Others are grabbing his arms and legs. They twist around him and into the screaming Queen, pulling her down into the red substance.

As Rodney, Ronon, and Vala race in to help him, John manages to pull out his gun from amidst the tangle of moving stone, "NO! –stay back! That's an order!" he screams at them.

Rodney watches in horror as the branch-like things drag the Queen into the lava pool, she is really shrieking now, a shrill piercing wail as her body begins to disintegrate in the lava. Rodney pulls his gun and shoots one of the branches. It shatters, but the others pull John closer into the pool. Ronon is shooting at them too, but they are regrowing.

"I said get back!" John yells, he fires a spray of bullets around their feet to keep them from coming closer.

No. It has him. Oh God. His foot is starting to-

John makes a low wail as his foot sinks into the molten lava. His body is shaking, jaw clenching, he can still aim with the bead of sweat running into his eyes.

Unable to do anything else, he fires again around the base of the pool with his free arm to keep his team from getting closer, "GO! I'm already dead! Please... GO!"

What is left of the Queen, a cinder husk of an arm, sinks under the lava. John is barely alive and gasping. He is in so much pain, his legs have deeply sunken in the pool and the stone arms are pulling him under. As the lava hits his chest he sputters a final few breaths and his eyes go dead.

Rodney tries to go to him, but Ronon holds him back.

He fights in vain, "No-no-no-no-no... NO! We have to help him. Damn it let me go!"

As the rest of John's body is pulled into the red molten liquid, Todd sighs sadly, "John Sheppard. Your death will be honored."

Teyla barks at them, "We need to leave this place. John would want us to go, NOW!"

Ronon drags Rodney all the way back to the ship despite his struggles.

Rodney decides he has always hated Ronan... until he sees the tears in Ronon's eyes.

Finally inside the ship, Rodney's body goes slack against him, "You can let me go now. I'd just like to go to my quarters."

I'm so sorry, Rodney" Ronon husks as he releases him.

"Yeah." Rodney stares blankly.

Once Ronon is gone, Rodney rushes to get extra rations and supplies from his room. He grabs some of John's things from his side of the room and then stoops, pulling out John's dog tags. The real ones that he wanted Rodney to have.

Tears cloud his eyes and he almost collapses with the weight of his sorrow. But he doesn't have much time. He has to make it to one of the Jumpers before they take off.

Once inside the Jumper, he quickly executes a program disabling his transponder, and remotely opens the hanger door without alerting the ships sensors. It closes again just in time for take-off.

After Todd gets his Queens aboard the Hive, the Magellan should be back on Earth in a matter of minutes. Rodney's heart sinks when he thinks of Dave. He should be there for Dave, to explain. But he isn't going back. He would rather die here with John. Jeanie will be hurt too, but she has her family, she will survive...

He can't accept the idea that John is really gone. He'd rather look for answers, nurse the insane hope –and he knows it is insane, that something of John is left, maybe lost here somewhere. If not his body, maybe a kind of shadow or spirit. Even though Rodney doesn't believe in that kind of thing, it's all he has now.

Nothing matters anymore without John, it's all meaningless. He would rather spend the last of his days understanding John's death then try to live a life without him.

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	132. He stays behind at John's grave

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Ronan waits patiently by Rodney's door. It has been hours since they got back and Rodney has refused to come out or even respond. He simply stays silent, locked in his room. Finally, Ronan hears a noise but he realizes it is just someone in the hanger coming into the ship.

Leaning his head against the metal door, Ronan sighs, "I'm not leaving till you come out, Rodney."

The sound of footsteps clink against the metal flooring and Ronan looks up to see Dave.  
By the haunted look on his face Ronan can see that he has already been told.

"Dave..." Ronan tries to think of words that would be adequate, but nothing was enough. "I tried to get to John... We all tried..."

"Where's Rodney?" Dave's lips are pressed pencil thin and his face sheet white.

"He locked himself in here and won't come out."

"Rodney!" Dave knocks on the door, "It's Dave. I need to talk to you..."

Dave's shoulders slumped forward against the door, "Please, Rodney, I can't do this alone. I need you to be my brother..."

After another silent moment, Dave asks again, this time his voice breaking with sorrow, "Please? Please, Rodney?"

But Rodney gives no sign that he can hear them and finally Dave calls a technician down to cut through the door from the outside.

As a metal hunk falls to floor and Ronan reaches into through to hole to open the door from the inside, he and Dave stare in shock at an empty room.

"Where is he?" Dave slumps with his head in his shaking hands.

Ronan swallows his guilt, "I had to drag him back to the ship. He didn't want to leave. I didn't realize... He must have..." Ronan turns in alarm, "We have to check the Jumper bay."

When Ronan sees the missing Jumper his chest sinks. He has failed twice over. Rodney is not on the ship, he never made it back to Earth. But at least Rodney will have shelter, and maybe a way off the Tempest planet.

Reaching for Dave, Ronan places a reassuring hand on his shoulder, "This is good. It means he might still be alive."

"Good?" Dave's face reflects nothing but horror, "No. My brother's dead. Rodney's gone. We should never have gone back to Pegasus. I made it happen, this is my fault."

Shaking Dave by the shoulders, Ronan tried to set him straight, "We face danger and possible death on almost every mission. No one ever knows beforehand which missions are going to go bad. It's not your fault Dave, you weren't even there."

Dave stares blankly and shakes his head in despair, backing away from Ronan. "I, I, the IOA report..." He stumbles out of the ship, leaving Ronan alone with his guilt and lost honor.

Everything with John had happened so fast, but Ronan should have at least been able to protect Rodney from himself. He has failed them both.

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* * *

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Rodney spends much of the first day staring at place John died. He feels frozen in the moment, screaming inside and still trying to get to him in time.

He sits out of reach from any danger that might draw him in from the stone pillar. When he gets too close, those strange growths start to come out of the rock face. He bows his head into the sand, grieving silently. He still has his ring, his promise to follow John beyond this life. Where has he gone now? How can follow him?

Rodney grasps the sand in his palms, digs his nails into it bitterly, "John, where are you?... I'm supposed to be with you..." He sobs into the dry sand, then sits up numbly watching it slip out of his fingers.

Maybe testing the sand would be a good start. Yes. Yes, he can run tests on the soil and try to understand what is happening here. That doesn't sound too crazy... He collects some beakers hurries to some conducts some tests. He finds nothing but basic silica compounds, not that he was expecting much more.

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* * *

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"How the hell did this happen?" Woolsey slams his report down and glowers at the team assembled around the table.

Carson looks at the shell shocked faces around him, Dave, Ronan, Teyla, Vala and Daniel. None of them look like they have any more idea of what to say than he does.

Ronan speaks up, "We have to get back there right away before anything happens to Rodney."

"Back there!?" Woolsey's face goes red, "We had no business being there in the first place. And you can be sure that we are not going back until we understand what kind danger we face."

"But Rodney's out there." Carson squeaks, "On his own."

"The Daedalus is currently en route to the Pegasus, they can beam him out using his transmitter."

"No, they can't." Ronan disagrees, "He shut it down somehow, otherwise we would have known that he wasn't on board."

Vala chimes in, "Also, the extreme electromagnetic disturbance on that planet makes it impossible to pinpoint anything. A ship like the Daedalus could never land. Even if they managed somehow, they would have no way of knowing where they were landing."

"Then explain to me then how the Magellan was able to manage it." Woolsey narrows his eyes.

"The size and power source of our engine made it more maneuverable on a smaller vessel" Daniel explains. "That and Teyla was able to navigate us towards… to sense the Queens."

"Something I can't really duplicate now that they are gone." Teyla admits.

"Well, thank goodness the Queens made it out safely." Woolsey makes a face of distaste.

"I did manage to inoculate them all with the virus." Carson tries to remind him of the good they did, "The Wraith threat all least has been destroyed."

"Yes, and that helps our galaxy, how exactly?" Woolsey seems unimpressed.

"They won't be trying to attack Earth any time soon?" Carson meekly suggests, "Also, the Hoffan cure was successful."

"Once again, congratulations on saving lives in another galaxy. I, however, am more concerned with the two we have just lost."

"But, Rodney isn't dead." Daniel reminds Woolsey.

"In all likelihood," Woolsey makes a bitter face, "by now, he probably is. I am not going to send you rushing headlong into danger uselessly, however valuable any team member may be."

Carson looks to Dave, sitting quietly staring at the table in front of him. He feels a rush of sympathy when he sees the lines of grief on his face. Dave might be the only one who could get Woolsey to see some sense. But Dave seems too lost and confused to fight for anything right now.

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* * *

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After a few days, Rodney wanders in the direction of the caves. The stench of decaying flesh is almost enough to keep him from venturing in, but John's memory demands that he find answers.

He covers his mouth and nose with one hand and shines small light at the end of his rifle around the chamber. The 'bars' that once held the prisoners in are stone and do not look like natural formations. He frowns at the bodies on the floor. They weren't killed by the Queens... Something else-

A light fizzes on from the ceiling above him, and then another. Rodney stares up at the crystal formations. They are the same as the one John touched on that planet so many years ago. The one that ping-ponged terrifying nightmares around Atlantis, killing Heightmeyer and almost killing him. If it hadn't been for John- More lights buzz to life and Rodney sprints out of the cavern.

He catches his breath with his hands on his knees once he is outside. He looks to the line of trees in the distance. Might as well check the area for water. He is going to need more soon if he is going to survive here long enough to solve the mystery. Trailing along the edge of the desert until he back to the Jumper, Rodney steps in the groves for the first time. Something has to be providing these trees with moisture. If he can just-

A buzzing sound crackles in the air just behind him. Rodney holds still, waiting, hoping it was just a trick of the mind. But another fizzles, awakened on the tree just ahead of him. And another. They are lighting up like Christmas trees all around him, just like the forest where they first encountered the crystals.

Knowing they have the power to draw their victims in by effecting the visual cortex, Rodney blinks and looks to the ground below. If he keeps his eyes away, he should be able to avoid the compelling desire to touch one.

Anyway, the soil is what he really needs to be concerned with. Rodney pulls out some of his sample containers. Pressing his finger to the ground, it feels dry. He takes a sample anyway. Then he finds a slope that veers slightly uphill. He tries to follow the line that leads to the lowlands, occasionally glancing back in the direction of the Jumper to keep his bearings.

When Rodney sees a change in the soil, he stops to take another sample. Eventually, he comes across a small stream. He keeps his excitement in check as he takes a number of samples; it could just as easily be poison, nothing on this planet makes sense.

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* * *

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Daniel is relived that Dave has finally forced Woolsey's hand to send the Magellan on a rescue mission. But he is less sure about Dave's insistence that he accompany the team to search for Rodney. Dave's heart is in the right place but the last thing they need right now is to worry about babysitting someone with no field experience.

Their biggest problem through will be trying to locate Rodney on the planet. Even if by some miracle his transmitter is operational again, they will likely have to cover a lot of ground on foot. It has been hard enough losing John. He just hopes to God Rodney is still alive.

Not exactly knowing what to expect, Daniel packs a slew of Ancient gadgets, just in case something comes in handy. He is almost out the door when he thinks of the red egg. Oma had said there would come time to use it. Who knows, maybe this is it?

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* * *

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Rodney's tests yield little to explain the ecology of the planet. The water is drinkable, not even any microbes are present. Everything here is sterile, very basic nitrates and compounds in the soil, as if they had been premixed with only the essentials to support the trees. He isn't sure if the crystals need the trees for some reason, since everything seems placed there by design. He can only surmise they provide a necessary function.

As the weeks go by, Rodney eats his meager rations. Each time he sets aside a parcel for John. It makes him feel less alone. Like John's ghost is keeping him company… or like maybe John will appear hungery and grateful for something to eat. It's crazy but he talks to John now, as if he is here listening to the saga of the of... what did the Wraith call it? The Tempest Planet.

Everyday he sits by John's grave, that bubbling circle of lava where he disappeared. That is when he lets himself cry, turns his brain off and feels the pain of his missing heart. It just doesn't make sense why he had to die. It was so senseless...

"Em. I'm still here. I'm lost without you. If you can hear me somehow, wait for me. I'll find you, wherever you gone. I won't last much longer."

Rodney twirls his ring, "You know" his voice wavers and hot tears fall into the sand beneath him, leaving small holes as they sink into the soil.

"I-I was really looking forward to -to our first anniversary." He sniffs and wipes his face on his sleeve, "It's today, remember? The 16th... It's selfish, I know... I just thought we'd have so much more time."

"But for all the time we did have…" Rodney leans forward in grief, "You. Made. Everything... Everything wonderful. Only. Y-you. You were everything in my world..."

He clutches the dogs from his chest. "And I won't leave you here alone. I won't ever leave you."

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* * *

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Ronan is frustrated. Their search for Rodney keeps coming up empty handed. Everywhere they go, everything looks the same. Groves of trees with crystals on them. Sandy desert patches of desert with symmetrical lava sinks. But they steer clear of the rock formations, avoid the crystals, and no one gets hurt.

They stumble across several body dump sites. Mostly human cadavers. The cause of death is not obvious but Carson is running tests on one of the corpses, maybe that will help them find some answers. Until then, the Magellan continues the search, combing the surface of the planet. Maybe making progress, maybe just retracing their footsteps. There is no way to be sure.

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* * *

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Rodney finds another cave structure on his wanderings, no bars or crystals this time, but filled with bodies. They seem to have died recently, the smell is minimal. Then he hears someone moaning, a woman. And he pushes forward into the darkness.

"Hello? Is someone alive in here?"

A weak voice calls out, "Please. Help me."

He follows the sounds of her cries and finds a skeletal woman barely able to hold her head up. He carries her back to the Jumper, to give her fluids and food, though he knows he has contaminated himself in the process. He doesn't much care anymore.

"They feed on us." She has such a terrified look about her, "The fear, the fear is everywhere."

"It's okay, you're safe now." Rodney tries to tell her.

"No, no, no. I'm going to die like the others. Have you seen the blue ones yet?" She asks in horror.

Rodney shakes his head.

"They have, ah, ah, blue bodies, clear, blue, you can see through them. But you can't kill them... it's like liquid stone. And they're growing more of them, you know? That's why they need us."

She points to the bruised and infected hole in her arm where Rodney had pulled a crude shunt out. "To feed their nurseries, the crystals. The little ones make the big ones. But they have to feed first." The woman's eyes had roll back and her head lolls to the side with the effort of speaking.

"It's okay, okay, just save your strength." Rodney says trying to sound confident.

"No" she gasps, "I'm dying… too late. You should leave this place. Save yourself."

Rodney holds her hand to comfort her; she does look like she is about the pass away, "I can't go." He tells her, "I think I need to die here, too."

"You don't want to die like this." She wheezes, "It's the worst terror, unending terror. Don't let the blue ones take you."

"Where do they take you?" Rodney whispers.

"Underground first. The ones that live longer, they took us up again, to feed another batch. But mostly underground. That's where the blue ones are. They give you nightmares. Sleeping, waking, it doesn't matter. The worst things you can think of..."

"How long have you been here?" Rodney asks, shivering a bit.

"So long..." The woman's body shakes, "They feed us this liquid, just enough to stay alive, but it's not living... living hell..."

The woman's body shudders violently. Rodney holds her and tries to calm her frayed nerves, but her body is seized by a series of tremors. When she goes still, she is no longer breathing. He tries to resuscitate her but she is gone.

He buries the woman's body in the sand and returns to the Jumper giving some thought to his own life. He is infected now after touching her. Methodically, he goes about setting up the electric charge paddles, to stop his heart, timing them to automatically revive him. If it doesn't work, he won't mind much. If he dies, he will be a step closer to John.

Rodney comes to suddenly from the electric current on his chest, coughing and gasping for air. He is alive. Clinging to one of John's black shirts, he curls around it in a tight ball until he falls asleep on the floor of the Jumper.

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* * *

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After a month of fruitless searching, Daniel comes up with an idea. Admittedly a little crazy, but they need whatever help they can get at this point.

"Wait, are these the same Asgard who kidnapped you and Rodney?" Carson exclaims.

"Yes," Daniel admits, "They aren't the warm and fuzzy kind we knew in the Milky Way, but if anyone has the technology or the experience to deal with this, it would be them. We have no idea what we're up against."

Dave assumes a leadership role, "How do propose to make contact with them without putting the ship at risk?"

"Yeaaah." Daniel answers slowly, "I don't have that part figured out yet. All I know are the planet conditions and general region of space. I think our scans could pick out a planet with such a corrosive atmosphere."

"Corrosive as in, not breathable?" Vala lifts her brows.

"No." Daniel admits, "But our shields could withstand the pressure long enough to send a signal. Explain the threat and hope for the best."

"Just how hostile are these guys?" Dave asks.

"Um, I doubt they would fire on us unless we were directly threatening them or standing in the way of something they wanted."

"They killed a few of our guys when they broke into Atlantis to steal some Ancient tech." Ronan reminds him.

"Yes," Teyla offers, "but after we shot at them at them. They had superior technology, and could have used it to do more damage to us. All they cared about was activating the Attero device as a means to destroy the Wraith."

"Even it meant killing thousands of humans to do it." Ronan reminds her gruffly.

"I think we can assume they care about their own safety, at least." Daniel surmises, "Perhaps if we tell them we have neutralized the Wraith once and for all, they will be more interested in helping us. Hopefully?" Daniel shrugs, "What do we have to lose? –Other than being blown out of the sky, I mean."

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* * *

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Rodney rocks silently at the mouth of John's grave staring at the molten lava. He hasn't seen any other way underground in his searches of the area. His instrument readings reveal only rock formations and depressions, no technological data or indication of… But there has to be something he's missed. An entrance to this underground area the woman spoke of…

He picks up one of the broken shards of stone and sinks it halfway into the lava. Pulling it back up, the red liquid beads away and the stone looks unaffected. Tentatively, Rodney touches the rock with a finger and finds it cool to the touch. His wraps his entire hand around it now, there is no residual heat. Could this be an illusion?

Steeling himself, he dips a fingertip into the edge.

Screaming in pain, he reels back. "AHHH! AH!"

Oh, God, that was real enough. Rodney cradles his wounded finger and returns to the Jumper to bandage it. Fuck. He can see part of the bone, his whole body is throbbing in pain. This is bad. An injury like this will probably kill him in few days without proper medical treatment. What ever he is going to do, he has to do it now.

There are painkillers in the medkit somewhere. Rodney pops a few in his mouth and chews them. He pockets the bottle. On second thought he grabs some stims as well, a few guns, a Wraith stunner... Where is his tablet? He just needs, he needs...

Rodney feels drowsy. Is it the painkillers or the shock? He needs something else. There are some supplies under the bench seat in back. There is it is. A shovel.

There is something unnatural about this. Destructive to organic tissue but not rock? Definitely not obeying the laws of physics. Rodney stumbles back to the grave, taking care to keep his distance from the column where the rock formations grow. While he still has the strength, he begins digging around the base of the lava hole, carving the sand away from the three sides of the base around the dangerous rock surface.

The edges of the lava hole are smooth black obsidian, cold to the touch. They follow a cylindrical shape further down into the ground. None of this makes sense... Rodney carefully moves around the edge of the stone pillar. The strange stone branches respond to his proximity and begin to twist out of the rock.

But he stays out of reach and lifts the shovel to make contact with the back of the column. It clinks with the familiar sound of metal on stone. Biting his lip to clear his head of the pain, Rodney leaps to the wedge of sand between the back of the stone column and the rock face behind it. Holding his breath, he waits for attack by creepy rock creature.

Nothing happens on this far side. He breaths a sigh of relief. The shovel is too wide to dig in this narrow wedge, so Rodney gets down on his knees and uses his good hand to scoop the sand away.

More obsidian... Rodney keeps digging, feeling frantic. There has to be something else. What are these things? They are all over the planet... But their primary purpose can't be simply to trap or kill. The design clearly is meant for something else... Rodney digs desperately throwing sand out from under him, making the trench deeper. Why did this thing take John? What was the point?!

As the clods of sands fly around him, Rodney suddenly spots a small blue nodule glowing just out of reach. He grabs furiously at the sand around it. Finally, something he can analyze. It is connected to a cord. If it can really be called a cord, it feels like stone, but it had a crystalline hue, glowing slightly blue. He keeps digging and follows the cord to the back of the lava pool next to him.

He tries to get some energy readings from his pad, but there is too much interference. He runs back to the Jumper. Maybe some Ancient tech... some of the thread-like wires might be able to tap into those detailed points in to crystalline structure.

Rodney sets to work, attaching the threads to the crystalline nodes and directly into his tablet. It's not what he hoped for but he can see a lacework of the blue root system on his screen, a map fanning out in all directions.

Good, but he needs more. Where is the hub? There has to be a way... Yes, yes, yes. Rodney adjusts the scope of his sensors. About 145 kilometers from here. If he can store the data, maybe he can fly to the Jumper there. Follow the landscape since navigation will be useless.

Rodney traces a finger on his good hand over the slope of the land on his screen. The hub begins just at the foot of a small mountain range. An educated guess tells him there is a cave system there.

Saving the visual landscape into his tablet, he returns to the Jumper. He changes into a thermal decontamination suit since he doesn't want to risk getting infected again. It is agony getting the glove onto his bad hand.

It might not protect him entirely but it's better than nothing. He swallows a few more pain pills and pulls the Jumper up just enough to follow the curve of the landscape. After a few passes around, Rodney feels certain he has the right mountain.

He lands a short way from the base and adds some C4 and hand grenades to his arsenal. He probably won't be coming back from this, whatever it is. But this planet is killing people. It killed John. He won't forgive it that.

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	133. Rodney makes a daring rescue possible

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Daniel is as surprised as Dave that the Asgard actually responded to their transmission. At first he hoped it was gratitude over eliminating the Wraith threat, but when moments after an Asgard is sent up from the surface, they are all unceremoniously beamed over to an Asgard warship.

From within their menacing red suits, the Asgard demand to know everything the humans had seen on the Tempest planet. Daniel does his best to explain the situation.

Once they hear the details, an Asgard tells them, "This threat must be eliminated before it spreads. We destroyed the Sekarri once before, but at great cost. They must not be allowed to mature."

"The Sekarri?" Daniel furrows his brows trying to remember what that Ancient temple had said about them. "Ah, they were once a threat, that the Four races defeated."

Teyla and Ronon exchange a look, "The Sekarri. Wasn't that the Artificial intelligence we helped all those years ago?" Teyla asks.

"You helped them?" The Asgard voice sounds menacing and metallic though its body armor.

Ronon looks sullen, "They said they were a peaceful silica based life form. We transported their 'Arc' to planet where they could revive their species.

"Then you are responsible for this." The tin voice answers, "You must help us destroy the planet before it spreads."

"The planet?" Daniel rears his head, "We still have a friend down there."

"Your friend is dead." The unsympathetic voice responds, "How any of you have been affected by dream disturbances and hallucinations?"

"No." Dave answers curtly, "What is this? What's going on?"

But the Asgard have little interest in answering questions, they insist on being given the coordinates to the 'Tempest planet' immediately, then beam the team back aboard their own ship. The Magellan arrives first with its nearly instantaneous wormhole and Daniel finds it disconcerting, that for once, the Asgard do not have the superior technology.

When the Asgard arrive, Daniel notices with some discomfort that they have a full complement of warships with them. Several Asgard beam into the bridge of the Magellan, this time without their red body armor.

One of them steps forward, addressing Daniel, "We must destroy as much of the planet as possible. What kind of weapons do have on board?"

"Wait, wait." Daniel lifts his hands diplomatically.

Dave interrupts, "We have weapons, but we need to get Rodn- our friend back first."

"You do not understand the danger you have unleashed." The Asgard says as if talking to a child.

"Then please," Daniel asks patiently, "Please explain it to us."

The Asgard murmur amount themselves in their indistinguishable tongue, their faces naturally expressionless and yet still somehow disapproving.

Finally, one speaks in English again, "The Sekarri life cycle is slow but once they have matured they are nearly indestructible. They begin in nurseries, suckling on plants until they are able to feed on bioelectric energy. Even at this stage they are lethal.

"What happens in the next stage?" Vala asks hesitantly

"They incubate in silica pools and emerge in a true physical form. As we said, nearly indestructible."

"Rodney said they showed him an image of their true form." Teyla turns to the Asgard, "Are they blue in color and appear slightly humanoid?"

The Asgard blinks its big black eyes, "For a time. But they are not as you or I, nor do they have biology or even respiration as we understand it. They grow in rock formations and are able to survive in the harshest of environments, even the vacuum of space. They absorb energy from destruction. Their swarms harvest entire solar systems and tear them apart. We must stop them while we still can."

Carson lifts a finger, "So, I take it a wee electric current won't be sufficient?"

Blinking again with expressionless eyes the Asgard continues, "Once they are mature they are impervious to most weapons. It was only by forming an accord with the other three races that we were able to stop the terrible destruction."

Curiosity gets the better of Daniel and he presses his luck by asking more questions, "So the four races... You guys joined forces before the Goa'uld, before the Wraith?"

"The Wraith were only a minor threat at the time, though they became more insidious. But the fight with the Sekarri took a toll on us all. Eventually, the Nox, a number of Asgard, and Furling fled to the Milky Way. The rest of the Furlings returned to a region of Andromeda known to us as the 4 galaxies. We remained, along with the Ancients, as the last line of defense. And we eventually succeeded by destroying the core of any planet they had entrenched. It was the only way."

Dave steps closer to the alien, "Before it gets to that, there's someone we have to save."

"You actually might have met him before", Daniel reminds them, "He and I actually both..." He trails off realizing the destruction of the Attero device may be a sore subject.

"You will not find him." The Asgard says plainly, "They will manipulate what you see, who see. They are capable of mimicking emotion and personalities. The man you seek is lost."

Carson turns to Daniel, "Actually, Dr. Keller described something of this mind control before" Addressing the Asgard, he continues, "We encountered them before on planet, with trees covered in these, these small crystals that were capable of manipulating the mind."

The Asgard exchange looks amongst themselves, then one of them asks, "Were any of you infected?"

"Yes," Ronon answers "But not for long. It jumped bodies. We used an electrical current to drive it out."

"They are weakest in that state." The Asgard gives a slight nod, "Particular kinds of electrical charges temporarily disrupt their hold over a victim's mind and can disable the entity from transferring between conscious. You may have found an abandoned nursery we overlooked. Once we destroy this planet, we must find this nursery and make sure a robotic intelligence was not left behind to tend to their development."

"So how do you kill them?" Ronon narrows his eyes.

"We have energy weapons. I do not know if they will be sufficient to fully break the core of the planet apart, but it will cause significant damage."

"Well, what did you use to kill them before?" Ronon persists.

"The Ancients used the red seed to bore into the molten core. Combined with our firepower in was enough to crumble a planet to small pieces of dead rock."

"A red seed? Daniel asks suddenly curious about the device Oma activated, "What kind of a seed?"

"It does not matter. We no longer have this technology."

"Wait." Daniel lifts a finger "I may have something. Something from an Ancient lab. It was blue, but then it turned red. Maybe... maybe it is what you are looking for. But you have to wait to destroy the planet, long enough for us to search for our friend."

"If he is even alive, he will be infected. He will be a carrier. We cannot allow the Sekarri to escape. Nor can we risk landing on the planet. When the entities have gained enough energy, they can transfer to any object, mature, and reproduce in space."

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* * *

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Rodney stops in the mouth of the cave, recognizing the Sekarri device he had once rescued from the ocean floor. It is surrounded by tangle of blue cords and other metallic crystalline structures.

The form of a brunette human woman appears in front of him with a serene look on her face, "Dr. McKay. We did not expect to see you again."

"You... What are you doing here?" he demands.

The AI lifts her hands in the air and smiles, "Our race is being reborn. You have delivered us to our new home. So I shall spare you."

"From... What exactly?" Rodney chest feels tight.

"From my children, my dear. They are out collecting more food, but they will return soon." She smiles, "In a way, you are their father."

"All the dead people. This is your doing." Anger grips him and Rodney feels sick, "You killed John!"

"I'm sorry." The eyes of AI look compassionate, "He was... a threat."

Pulling the C4 from his vest in quick move, Rodney slaps it onto the machine, "So am I."

As he runs into one of the tunnels winding into the interior of the mountain, the AI calls after him "Rodney, this is foolish. This will not destroy me-"

As Rodney feels the blast wave of the C4 hit him from behind, he is thrown to the ground. He blinks to get his bearing; his eyes focus on his fallen tablet. It is blinking... The readings are... Rodney grabs it up off the ground.

John's transmitter. It's still active... it will lead him to John's body. It's coming from deep within a tunnel, coming from the other direction. Rodney's fingers race across his keypad, just in case. He activates his own transmitter just in case he makes it out of here and survives long enough for someone to come looking for him. Coughing in the dust of the recent explosion, he makes his way through the wreckage.

The brunette woman reappears, "My children see what I see and they are here."

A group of the blue Sekarri creatures are approaching and Rodney runs as fast as he can. But they are moving fast, too fast. They are almost upon him now. He turns are fires his gun into the closest three.

His mouth hangs open the bullets slide slowly though the translucent blue skin and fall out the other side without any damage. Rodney drops his guns and pulls the Wraith stunner off his shoulder. But his vision is obscured, suddenly he sees fire all around him, he feels his feet burning.

"AHHHH!" Rodney shoots the stunner in the direction of the Sekarri and the illusion of the fire disappears. The blue things look mildly stunned and he takes his opening to run further into the cavern. Which way now, which way? Rodney checks the tablet and turns into a new corridor with the Sekarri still close on his heels. He uses the corner to hide himself and shoots again several times into the passage.

Running as fast as he can, he doesn't wait to see if it worked. He passes chambers filed with wailing people. Moaning, lost in their hallucinations of terror, most of them are already dead. Where did John meet his end? Here it is. This one –this one.

How does he get inside? He should have saved the guns... No one is moving inside the chamber but –Rodney still has a grenade. If he could set if by the door and stand far away enough...

"Is anyone in there alive?" Rodney calls.

No one answers. He doesn't have much time; he has to do this now. Rodney pulls the pins and sets the grenade by the stone bars of the door. He waits down the hall with his fingers in his ears until he feels the blast wave and spray of pebbles hit his face. Then he races back to the cell, crawling over dead bodies, pulling them away from each other, looking for John's face but he isn't here.

"John..."

Looking back to his tablet, the signal indicates the far corner of the room. Rodney crawls to the side, lifting anonymous bodies in search of the one can't live without. He spies and SCG insignia poking through the folds dead flesh. With a sudden strength he pulls John out of the heap and hugs his lifeless form. "John... John... Oh, John."

The creatures are here, coming for him now. Rodney crouches over John and fires the stunner at them to keep them from entering the cell. They can't have John. They can't have him. The cell erupts again in fire, Rodney ignores the excruciating sensation of his flesh being burned away and keeps firing.

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	134. You came back for me

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Carson isn't sure he heard he right, "What did you say?!"

Teyla turns to the others in excitement, "Rodney's transponder is active, so is John's. I don't know why but we have started getting readings through the electrical haze down there."

"Rodney did this." Ronon growls happily

Dave steps up to the Asgard leader, "Here are our terms. You beam our friends up and then we deploy the weapon." He holds the red egg-like thing in his palm.

"They must be placed in seclusion in our ship and rid of the contagion."

"Just get them up here." Dave shakes with tension. "Now!"

The Asgard communicates with his ship, then he turns to Dave, "It is done."

Ronon and Dave accompany Carson as he pilots the Jumper, down into the lower atmosphere of the Tempest planet. When they are as low as Carson thinks he can safely go, they release the back hatch and send red 'seed' tumbling down. Daniel had been specific about the low altitude deployment; Carson hopes it will be enough. Now he just has to get them far enough away from the planet before the red thing does whatever it is supposed to do.

The orange misty clouds of the planet still look calm as the Jumper climbs upwards out of the atmosphere. Beams of light begin to reign down on the planet from the Asgard warships and then A streak of red light flashes across the window, blinding Carson momentarily.

Carson keeps piloting towards the bay of the Asgard ship, "What's happening down there?"

"Planet's still there." Dave tells him. "But we don't have long before it reaches the core."

"I'm going as fast as I can, now aren't I?" Carson pants nervously.

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* * *

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Rodney stops shooting. Is he hallucinating again? There was a flash of white... Now two of those scary red suited Asgards are lifting John up to a table, scanning him with something.

"Where am I?" Rodney lowers his stunner.

"You are being quarantined." A suited Asgard places a device over Rodney's containment suit and scans him, "You are clear of the contagion."

The Asgard examining John speaks though his metallic filter, "This one has synaptic damage that will need to be repaired before he can be decontaminated."

"Is he alive?" Rodney chokes on the words.

"Marginally."

"But he's alive!" Rodney pants with relief.

He pulls the gloves off his hands, unwraps his bandaged finger and sees there is no injury. It was part of the hallucination. God, the pain they cause is so real… And John hadn't died in the lava, through even he probably thought he did at the time. John was trapped. And it has taken Rodney too long to get to him.

Frowning at John's black and blue arm where they have removed the shunt, Rodney reaches to feel John, but the Asgard stop him, "You must not touch him until he has been treated."

Rodney blinks sadly at John's unconscious face. A knock on the transparent door behind him startles him. He sees Dave, Ronon, and Carson's worried expressions. He smiles wanly at them. The door opens and Rodney stumbles out toward them.

"You look like shit." Ronon tells him.

Thanks, for that." Rodney snipes, he turns to look at Dave, "John's still alive.

Dave's face flushes with relief as he grabs Rodney fiercely in a hug and doesn't like go.

He can feel Dave's shoulders shaking a little bit and he pats his back in sympathy, "I know." Rodney tells him, "I thought he was gone too."

Letting himself feel the emotional trauma of the last couple months, Rodney's eyes water and he lets a few tears fall with his face hidden in Dave's shoulder. The two of them stand there just holding each for a long time.

Finally, Dave speaks in choking voice, "Thanks for going after him."

"I had to." Rodney whispers.

"How it this even possible?" Carson asks. "We all saw him die."

Ronon grabs Rodney's shoulder, "You did good, Rodney, you knew somehow."

Rodney wants to argue. He didn't know, he was fooled too. It's stupid, he knows, he was just too heartbroken to leave, he wanted to die there with John. He'd rather sound like the brilliant hero, but maybe he'll try to explain later when he's fit for talking.

Ronon explains that they are traveling on an Asgard ship to the planet with the abandoned nursery of crystals. Teyla, Daniel, and Valla will be waiting for them there on the Magellan. Rodney nods in confusion and looks back to John's damaged body in the quarantined area wondering if they are going to be able to heal him. The three of them keep him company while he watches the strange machine moving over John's head.

The adrenaline that kept him going earlier fades and Rodney slumps against the transparent shield waiting and watching for some time. An Asgard arrives eventually to tell them that nursery planet has been razed and they are free to return to their ship.

"Not without…" Rodney's mouth is too dry to continue talking.

"Not without him." Ronon nods at John's unconscious form in the room.

"Very well" The Asgard opens the door and speaks in its indistinguishable tongue with the one who is applying the treatment to John.

Then it returns to the waiting group, "He synapses have been repaired sufficiently to recover. You say you have a crude method of removing the entity from him."

"With an electric current." Carson interjects quickly, "we have to stop his heart."

The Asgard blinks at Carson with its black expressionless eyes.

"And start it again." Carson explains.

"Your friend may be too weak to be revived in such a manner." It replies placidly.

Dave stirs, "Well, then maybe we should wait, maybe-"

"No," Rodney rasps, "It'll kill him. We have to get it out… 's the only way"

Speaking is almost too much for him now, Rodney feels himself fading. By the time Teyla is beamed aboard the Asgard ship with the medical supplies, he feels as if he about to slip into an unconscious state himself. Before putting on a protective suit, Carson rifles through one of his bags and hands Rodney a couple powerbars.

"Thanks." He manages to mumble as he tears into the desperately needed nourishment. Rodney watches sadly as Carson the ragged shirt off John's body. His chest looks so frail, the ribs so prominent. Dave grips Rodney's arm as Carson lowers the electric paddles to his heart.

John's thin frame jumps and spasms, then he goes deathly still. Rodney heart hurts, nothing will be right until he sees John breathing again. He closes his eyes and grimaces as he hears the monitor beeping, the respirator...

"Clear!" Carson hits him again, but Rodney can't open his eyes.

"I've got a weak pulse... He's steady. I think we got him. Okay, let's beam him to med lab on the Magellan. He's going to need some fluids right away."

Opening his eyes, Rodney sees Ronon lifting John up from the table.

"It's okay." Dave squeezes Rodney's hand, "I think he's going to be okay now. Let's go home."

After beaming them back, the Asgard leave without fanfare, and no 'thanks for destroying the Wraith'. At least they seem more allies than enemies this time.

Back in the Magellan's med lab as they wait for John to regain consciousness, Dave sidles a chair up, opposite Rodney, to his brother's bedside,

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." Dave's voice shakes with emotion, "I'm here now, and I won't let you get hurt again. No more missions for you. We're going back home for good, where we belong."

Rodney manages a weak smile, "Ha. No more missions? Try telling him that when he's awake."

Suddenly John is stirring and his eyes blink up at Rodney, "Telling me what?"

"John!" Rodney's heart seizes, until this moment the fact that John was alive didn't even seem real. He grabs John desperately to him, "Oh, God… you were…I knew I'd find something if I kept looking. I can't –I can't believe you're not dead!"

John's thin arms hold him close, "Thought I died..." his dry voice rasps, "I was... don't know where I was… was like a, a hell, but I knew it couldn't be real. Tried not to give them what they wanted."

As Rodney loosens his grip, John sees his brother, "Dave?" he croaks.

Dave scoots his chair closer and places a concerned hand on John shoulder "What did they want?"

"Fear? Pain… grief, intense..." John's looks back up to Rodney, "I saw you die so many times, so many ways... couldn't let myself believe it."

"Well, you're lucky he wasn't dead." Dave sounds deeply proud despite his emotional tone, "He stayed behind the whole time looking for you. If Rodney hadn't found a way to disrupt the electrical net, the Asgard wouldn't have been able to beam you out."

"The Asgard?" John's sallow face frowns in confusion.

"Long story" Dave says with a chocked voice.

"How'd you manage to stay behind?" John asks, "I ordered you all to leave."

"Stole a Jumper." Rodney smiles thinly.

"You're lucky to have someone willing to, to take such risks to find you." Dave glances softly at Rodney. "I'm lucky too."

"Thanks for not giving up me either." Rodney adds, smiling at Dave, "We wouldn't have made it without you."

When the others join them John submits to being hugged and fawned over by all of them; Rodney can tell John is a bit overwhelmed by it all but too weak to resist. "Well, all of you… thanks. I, I feel... very loved." John smiles awkwardly.

When they get back to Solaris, Carson sets John up in his bedroom with a slew of medical devices and constant IV drip in his good arm.

Ronon applies himself to putting together a training room in the ballroom of the old house. But it will be a while before John can attempt anything like that since his muscles have wasted so much. Just walking to the bathroom is an effort and John needs Rodney's help.

For the next few days, John is mostly sleeping through most of the days and nights. Rodney is just so grateful to have him alive. He curls into bed with John, holding him and hating every moment that takes away from John's side, however momentary. He will nourish him back to life, the way John once did for him.

Early one evening, John wakes up in Rodney's embrace; he wraps his long emaciated arms around Rodney's neck, whispering, "You came back for me."

"Of course I did... and I always will..." Not failing to appreciate the line from the movie Solaris, Rodney kisses him sweetly, "I love you."

"I love you too, Mere." John blinks up at Rodney, looking emotional. Then he rests his weary head back into Rodney's embrace, fading back into sleep.

Rodney happily dedicates himself to helping John get his strength back, tending to him, feeding him, getting him up and walking around the grounds. John still looks spindly but the lazy half smile, but the amused smirk has found its way back to his face.

And before long he is laughing again, thank God. All the toys and games in the tree house come in handy to keep them occupied. Evenings they spend a lot of time looking for stars through the telescope and watching movies together. They even take a romantic night to celebrate the belated passing of their 1-year wedding anniversary with a small cake.

Not that Rodney is only one eager to keep John entertained. Surrounded by their friends and family, John barely gets a moment to himself. Rodney is appreciative once he goes back to work that John remains has so many people he can trust to look after him. And when Rodney returns, he knows by the look in John's eyes that he has missed Rodney terribly, even he has only been gone a short while. The love in John's eyes tells him he can't wait until it is just the two of them again, curled up into each other.

Before long, Rodney notices that his bedtime wrestling matches with John have started to become challenging again for him; he clasps his hand around John's growing bicep. "You're starting to get pretty strong, now that you're eating more than that blue gruel."

John laughs and pins Rodney down, "And you're basing this on what?"

"Ow, ow. Let go... That hurts." Rodney laughs "Well, I think you could go a few sparring rounds the ring. Just saying it might be a good challenge for you."

"Are you trying to goad me?" John pulls Rodney back into him, "Because I refuse to be goaded. I'm not quite ready for a match with Ronon."

"Not Ronon. Me. ...Unless, of course, you're afraid."

"Of what?"

"Me."

John laughs heartily, "We'll see."

The next couple weeks, not a day goes by without John and Rodney sparring in the training room Ronon has set up. For Rodney it is great fun. He and John have never been so evenly matched. John isn't so strong that he can overpower Rodney easily, but he throws a lot of expected moves at him. Moves that Rodney has been incorporating into his own fighting style with John. The score seems to stay about neck to neck, with both of them thoroughly whumped by the end of the night. And when John finally starts sparring with Ronon again, Rodney knows it won't be long before he is back to his old self.

A few days before Christmas, Rodney finds himself on his laptop, browsing online and speculating on the next mission the IOA wants him to undertake -testing the PUD drive for the first time to search out ZPM's in other dimensions. They are getting desperate about how much power is being drained by maintaining the cloak indefinitely. The military demands that they have backups to power the chair, should it be needed to defend Earth.

It will be a trial run, the IOA had wanted to use the power from the drive to send Rodney and Zelenka through while keeping the ship itself behind in this reality -since they know most about the technology and may be able to fix any unforeseen problems that arise. But John had insisted on joining the away mission Rodney and Woolsy had agreed since he was about to return to active duty. Besides Rodney had argued, if anything goes wrong, having Zelenka back in this reality will be better than nothing.

Rodney has already selected a location, the source of the signal that they intercepted from the inter-dimensional rift. There is a good chance the people on that Earth have been fighting the Wraith successfully and have access to technology. Besides they kind of owe them one after sending Earth's coordinates to their Pegasus galaxy... Just so long as nothing goes wrong with using the drive this way. No, it'll be fine. If anything he's more worried about the locator beacon signaling correctly for a the return ride.

But the mission is weeks away and Rodney tries to put work from his mind. He has plenty of time still to obsess over the details. He clicks a link on his computer related to DADT, something he likes to stay informed on.

His breath suddenly catches. Is it true? Could this possibly happen? It says the president has signed the bill in law... Don't Ask Don't Tell will be ending... It can't be. They will find some way to keep it from...

Staring at the screen, his mouth hangs open. He reads accounts of the ceremony, the statements made... It says the repeal is supposed to happen in 60 days, but is subject to the discretion of the Department of Defense.

It's political posturing nothing more. Rodney heart sinks. John is right; those military guys will never let this happen.

He hears John getting out of the shower, looking flushed from his workout with Ronon. Rodney turns and catches an eyeful of him standing in the main room with a towel around his waist. Now Rodney is the one flushing, John looks good, so strong and healthy... gloriously handsome.

John walks into the office and wraps his arms around the front of Rodney's chair, "What are working on, Mere?"

"You seen this? It says DADT is being repealed."

"Scroll up," John leans in over Rodney's shoulder, "let me see what it says from the beginning."

"I mean, it's the law now... So, it's matter of time, right?" Rodney skims the article again trying to decide if he should let himself get his hopes up.

"I don't know. I'm sorry, Mere." John kisses Rodney's shoulder and sighs, "Politicians say all kinds of things..."

"Yeah, it doesn't matter, really. I was just curious."

"Mere." John spins the chair around and gives him a penetrating look. He runs his hands down the sides of Rodney's face, "Whatever they say, I know what's real. I know that I'm yours and you're mine and no law can change that. You come before anything else in this world. I probably would have resigned already, just, I like working with you."

"Yeah but-"

John kisses Rodney's lips, silencing his words. He takes Rodney's arms, lifting them up and draping them around his neck, "Hold on."

As John slides an arm under Rodney's legs, he tightens his grip around John's neck. Then John lifts him up. With a little effort he carries Rodney to the bedroom and lies him down.

Since John was rescued from the Tempest planet, their lovemaking has been more gentle, with Rodney generally taking the lead. Sometimes he lowers himself down on John's cock and rides him, other nights he holds John, fucking him while spooning him from the side.

He hasn't wanted to undertake anything too physically taxing, but tonight John has a certain look in his eye. Like he wants to fuck Rodney, wants to be physical and take him passionately, and nothing will stop him.

As John strips him down, Rodney is feverish with desire, he wants nothing more right now than to be used by John. And that is exactly what John does, he toys with Rodney pumping into him tirelessly, and making him lose his mind completely. It is late when they finally both lay tanged in each other, sweaty, shaky, and panting.

Oh God... it's been a while since they fucked like that. No one can do the things John can to him...

When they are capable of moving again, they take a cool shower together. Rodney murmurs incomplete sentence, endearments in John's ear and kisses him deeply. John is able to be a bit more profound and meaningful in his professions of love.

When they climb back under the covers, they fold into each other, into that perfect fit they've always had. They trail their fingertips over each other, talk and dream of the other worlds they might find in these parallel dimensions.

Rodney ghosts his fingers along John's jawline, "I wonder if we meet ourselves, what they'll be like? Would we still be close? Friends or-"

John stops him with a kiss and leans back to catch his eye in the moonlight, "Mere, no matter where or who we are, you've always been my destination."

.  
.


	135. I'll show you your destiny

.  
.

The first time Dr. McKay met Colonel Sheppard was purely accidental; due to a mishap with his sub-space particle bridge, McKay created an inter-dimensional rift and broke through the fabric of another reality; one which closely resembled his own.

In that other dimension, Sheppard was the military commander of Atlantis rather than Colonel Sumner. McKay had instantly been captivated by Sheppard's handsome face and lithe athletic body. Something in the way his eyes sparkled at McKay led him to believe the attraction was mutual.

The two of them spent a week together until they finally found a way to shut his dangerous experiment down. It wasn't one of McKay's finer moments as a scientist, since his 'bridge' was leaking exotic particles through the rift and would have ultimately have destroyed Sheppard's entire universe. But he'd enjoyed every moment he spent with the man, which was really saying something since he couldn't stand most people.

He'd been strangely sad when it was time to return to his own world. Not that anything sexual had transpired between the two of them, but McKay would never forget those sparkling green eyes and easy grin.

Back home, he'd found a military service record for a _Major_ John Sheppard from his own world. Sheppard had long ago been dishonorably discharged after flying in behind enemy lines against orders to try to rescue some friends.

The Sheppard from _his_ Earth was a galaxy away working as a homicide detective. And from what McKay could gather, he had little in common with the strong confident Colonel from the other dimension. So he'd put Sheppard out of his mind and continued on with his work in the Pegasus galaxy.

Then, years later, McKay was called back to the Milky Way to help the SGC determine why they were finding bodies on Earth that had been fed upon by Wraith. As more victims began to show up in an isolated area on the outskirts of Vegas, he, along with Jennifer, Zelenka and some others from Atlantis were recalled to investigate. As the team leader, McKay coordinated with Mr. Woolsey from the IOA to speak with the local detective on the case.

And that was when he met Detective Sheppard of the Las Vegas Police Department for the first time.

.

.

* * *

.  
.

It used to be Sheppard could change the time loop, get on a plane to Alaska or escape this reality for a while before he'd wake to find himself in Vegas; once again reliving the chain of events.

These days he can't ever seem to escape the desert.

He's tried altering the patterns, wondering if there is something he's meant to do differently to finally make it end. But there are certain fixed points and events he can't seem to change. He knows all the lines by heart.

Well, except the man from the cafe. He's the only other person here who remembers things or says anything new. Only McKay is nuts, usually talking nonsense. Sheppard is half convinced the character is a delusional figment of his own mind; maybe everything here is.

At least his conversations with McKay break up the monotony of this repeating cycle. Used to being alone, Sheppard sometimes avoids him, hiding out in an alcoholic haze until the clock runs out and resets. But inevitably, he finds himself back at the cafe waiting for the guy to show again. He always seems to be there waiting for Sheppard.

McKay never seems to grow tired of spinning theories about alien stasis chambers and simulated realities, but over time Sheppard has managed to get him to talk about other things. And the guy is a real talker once he gets going. As he rambles away, Sheppard mostly just listens and sips his coffee.

But today Sheppard is just too tired to talk... Too much to drink last night, he feels like shit, a couple days' stubble showing on his chin. He could use a real shower and shave.

Weak and aimless, he finds himself drifting back to where it all began. He doesn't know why he does this, what he could possibly hope to learn in this limbo. Maybe it's just so he gets to end up playing poker... or to see that alien creature later at Area 51.

Sheppard drives his beat up red vintage car to the crime scene again. The day is a sweltering 106 degrees, as it always is. He's been down this road so many times before, he knows what waits for him on the outskirts of Vegas.

Sometimes it seems like all he has energy left to do is follow the steps that eventually lead him to his own demise. Maybe it's the punishment he deserves.

Funny how the crime scene isn't far from where he will end up, dying alone in the sand. At least he doesn't get sucked dry like those husks of corpses they keep finding. Squinting through his sunglasses, Sheppard steps through the police tape and eyes the mummified body. His gaze is always drawn to a small green pool of liquid nearby. If only he hadn't noticed that leaking antifreeze...

After a dreary walk through the crime scene, Sheppard avoids his office and heads to a bar for a little hair of the dog.

.  
.

He wakes with a searing hangover and blinks through clouded eyes wondering where he's ended up this time. Much of the following night is a blur and it looks like the sun is already beginning to set.

Jesus. How much did he drink last night? He pushes himself up from a scratchy comforter on the bed and recognizes the pattern. Ah, he's at the seedy hotel. The one where he found the body... and the bag of cash that he conveniently left out of his police report.

There's nothing in the bathroom to shave with. If he wasn't so wasted, he could probably change the narrative and conjure up a razor and fresh change of clothes with his mind. But the best he can manage is to crawl into the shower and lean into the wall to keep from spinning. If nothing here is real why are the hangovers still such shit?

When he has somewhat recovered, Sheppard dresses again and checks the time on his phone. The man with the long white hair will be arriving soon. Sheppard pulls the window shades, watching the airstream trailer in the parking lot until he sees the white haired man leaving the parking lot. This is one part of the plot he actually enjoys.

Shadowing his killer to the casino, Sheppard reaches the private rooms for the high stakes poker game. Handing over his badge and gun to the security guard, he is granted entrance and joins the table where the man is already playing. Living in Vegas over the years, Sheppard's picked up a lot of bad habits, gambling not the least of them. But being a dead man has its advantages; he has nothing to lose.

There are other games in the casino Sheppard has memorized by watching the outcomes. But after drawing too much attention one night and getting the crap beat out of him in an alley, he's had his fill of winning. And ultimately this is one game he can't win.

The white haired man eyes Sheppard and gives a sinister frown. He looks human enough now; but he's seen one of those alien things without the prosthetic disguise. And he knows this one will be the death of him.

The gangsters at the table become suspicious when the white haired man wins hand after hand. Sheppard squares off with the alien on the last draw, considering whether to call his bluff. Tonight he just stares impassively at the cold face across the table and folds. It doesn't matter what he does. This is when the chase scene starts.

"Wait, Where're you going? You can't leave now!" The gangster demands as the white man gets ready to cash out, "Look at this guy. Hey!"

The gangster tries to grab the man's arm and is thrown completely across the room. As if he knows who is real enemy is, the white figure lunges himself at Sheppard next; knocking him to the ground, he takes off with his chips.

Casino security fire shots into the fleeing figure but they have no effect. Their assailant easily casts them aside. Sheppard picks himself up and follows in a brisk run. He winds his way up to the rooftop access of the building to see the jump.

How many times has he stood here watching the creature leap impossibly to the ground below and survive the fall? The first time it was been a shock to see the crushed figure get up from a pool of blood, stare at him, and walk away uninjured.

One time Sheppard tried jumping himself to see what would happen. The sensation was painfully unpleasant; then he found himself at the beginning of the time loop again.

Making his way back to the hotel, Sheppard hides the cash in his car just before the swarm of black government SUV's swoop in to collect him.

The agent who calls himself Woolsey greets him crisply, "Detective."

He doesn't bother to say anything, Woolsey always recites the same line.

"I heard about what happened at the casino."

Sheppard narrows his eyes waiting for the inevitable; he's just here to see the other alien. The one who speaks in riddles that make more sense than anything else here.

"If you don't mind, we'd like you to come for a little drive." Woolsey states.

Knowing this isn't a request, Sheppard grimaces, "Right."

The sun is up by the time they reach the complex inside Area 51. God, he feels like shit. Not that this is much different from how he spent the last 7 years, staggering through life. All it took was dying, to shake him out of one haze of a nightmare and into another.

If he could go back in time, there's so much he'd do differently. Of course he'd still have gone after Lyle and the others but he'd have found a way to bring them back safely. Who knows, if he'd been caught in a time loop like this, maybe he would have found a way to change everything.

Instead, he'd just ended up running. Trading the sands of Afghanistan for yet another lonely desert, trying to hide from the past, to drink it away, to ]forget it all.

Inside the interrogation room, Sheppard rubs his sore eyes with the butt of his hand trying to rouse himself. Woolsey fails to get him to sign the confidentiality agreement. There's no point in talking to him. He'll just wait for the other guy to come in. Sheppard peers through the small glass window at the face outside that has become so familiar by now.

The man steps in and introduces himself, "Detective, I'm Doctor Rodney McKay."

 _'Yes, welcome back McKay.'_

But this isn't the McKay that visits him and knows things; this is just the puppet, playing out the past with him. This McKay has a sharper look about him, a dark suit and dark auburn hair crisply styled about his angular face, and piercing eyes; he sets a tablet down on the interrogation table. Sheppard holds himself at a distance.

"I realize you have no way of grasping what's going on here. There's really only one thing you need to understand..." McKay looks at him coldly, "If you fail to cooperate, I have the power to ruin your life."

"Well," Sheppard sneers, "then you don't realize how little I have to lose."

McKay lifts his chin and narrows his eyes. Then he drops his head to a level gaze and looks through Sheppard in a way that makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up every time.

"I know everything about you. You've never been married. The only thing you own is a car. You have $2,363 in the bank and are $13,000 in debt, not counting off the books gambling losses to a guy named Mikey... What else? You finally passed your detective exam after 4 years and two failed attempts... and now barely scrape by on quarterly performance reviews."

He rolls his eyes waiting for McKay to finish his pitch.

"Am I getting this right?" McKay asks smugly.

"I also like spearmint gum." Sheppard offers irreverently, but really he wants that gum McKay has in his pocket; if he doesn't say the line, he doesn't get the it.

"Have some." McKay throws a pack of flavored gum onto the table.

"I was joking."

"No you weren't." McKay's eyes darken, he strides over to Sheppard powerfully, "Let's go back further, shall we? You were a helicopter pilot in Afghanistan but were dishonorably discharged for disobeying orders and trying to rescue a field medic trapped behind enemy lines."

It makes Sheppard smile knowing that he still has some secrets. McKay never gets the motive for that part right.

"You were shot down, obviously survived, but unfortunately, the crash killed 4 American soldiers along with eight civilians."

Yeah, he'd been so close to getting them out. If only it hadn't been for that one unlucky shot to the tail rotor. He'd lost them all. The entire medical team, including pretty little Sarah, the field medic he'd briefly dated and the marine -Grassman, that was his name, Darren Grassman.

Losing his own guys had been hard enough... Mitch and Dex. But losing Lyle destroyed him completely. Lyle had been the only one to survive the initial crash. Sheppard tried his best to get him out of there, but Lyle just bled out in his arms.

That was worse than anything that came afterward, worse than anything the Taliban had done to him. The expulsion from the military was just a minor humiliation at that point. And Sheppard had grown too numb by then to care. There were too many scores to keep of those he'd failed, too many losses that left him alone in the world; he'd given up on anything other than trying to blot it out from his mind.

But now he doesn't even have that. Not even the numbness makes sense anymore. Now it's just him and the guy, McKay, stuck in this place that never stops repeating.

The speech continues, "You avoided jail time. The record was sealed for various political reasons."

 _'That would have been because they didn't want him talking to the press.'_ But Sheppard stays silent about that. Since it happened, he's never spoken to anyone about it and he isn't going to start now.

McKay continues, "These things happen, right? Somehow you've managed to live with yourself since then,"

 _'Wrong again, McKay.'_ He thinks.

"But I'm not sure other people would if they knew the truth." McKay threatens.

Yeah, this guy really has no idea how little he has to lose at this point. Sheppard presses his lips together. Threats aren't going to get him anywhere.

"I don't really care." _'Just take me to see the alien.'_

"Yeah, that's too bad." McKay's voice softens as if he knew this tactic was bound to fail.

Sheppard walks forward to the table and sits in a lazy slouch. He pulls out a stick of chewing gum as McKay walks to the door; he knows McKay's not really leaving.

"You know," McKay stops on his way out, "I once met another version of you. He was very different."

Sheppard lifts a brow instead of answering. He's just waiting for McKay to take him to see the alien, the one who seems to see through this illusion. That's the only reason he lets them take him back here.

"Nothing is what you think it is." McKay continues.

"That doesn't come as a surprise to me." Sheppard smirks.

"Look." McKay walks forward and sets his tablet down on the table again. He takes a chair, "We're not bad guys. We just want to keep the planet safe."

"I doubt that very much." Sheppard meant it the first time he said it and he means it now; he doubts everything that is happening.

"I don't expect you'll believe me at first." McKay pierces him again with that look, "I'm about to tell you some incredible things. Wormhole travel through a device called a Stargate, ancient races of humans on other planets, other dimensions in space and time, even infinite variations of our known reality, where alternate versions of you and I play out events in ways you can't... possibly imagine."

This is the part where McKay admits he's Canadian. That and he takes him on the tour, showing Sheppard the strange throne chair, an alien spaceship, and finally to the cell where the alien is being held captive.

McKay claims that these aliens feed off of humans and are looking for a way to reach Earth. He says the killer Sheppard has been tracking is disguising itself as a human, using its telepathic abilities to swindle cash. Or maybe McKay gets to that part later? It doesn't really matter.

It all sounds like horseshit. And why would an alien need cash? Well, to build his doomsday device of course. Sheppard tunes out the rest of what McKay is saying. He's heard it all before. How McKay is part of a space team that operates out of the Pegasus galaxy, how they've been recalled to deal with the alien incursion... Blah, blah, blah...

And yet, of all the improbable things this puppet McKay rattles off, not one of them accounts for a time loop. Unlike the other McKay, he makes no mention of the alien stasis chambers or a simulated reality.

What Sheppard never gets over, is the sight of the blue-green alien creature with white hair and gills on its face. The thing makes its way to the front of the cell, eyes locked on Sheppard. He walks forward to get a closer look at this creature, trapped as much as _he_ is in this place.

The first time he saw the thing, he found himself buying into what McKay was telling him. Now he doesn't know what to think. Only, the longer Sheppard is lost here, the more it seems like the alien is the only one who makes any sense.

"Fish in a pond!" The creature in the cell growls "Busy, busy, lots to do, here and there."

"This one fancies himself a bit of a poet." McKay remarks, "Not good."

"Dry as desert outside." The creature continues, "No place to go."

 _'The thing is right of course; there is no way out of this maze.'_

"He's also delirious from starvation." McKay explains.

"Eat up! Get stronger. Think and hope. Think and hope." The creature shakes its matted white mane at Sheppard, "Don't look now! Oh, keep dreaming. There must be some other reason for your existence."

This seems like the most real part of the dream. But Sheppard can't wake up. He can't stop dreaming. He tries to die, but in the end he is always back here, with the strange blue face, and McKay, the _other_ McKay that won't leave him alone.

Mesmerized, he whispers, "What other reason? Tell me why I'm here."

"Defiance tastes like life itself." The alien poet tells them, "No river. No water. Dry as a desert! Darkness all around. The harvest moon is rising. Wraith are never-ending... I know the future."

It gestures to Sheppard with his hand, "Come inside. I'll show you your destiny..." The creature's breath fogs up the heavy paneled glass and he wheezes, "John Sheppard..."

McKay turns to him, explaining why it knows his name, "They can get in your head."

But it feels like the creature knows more, like he alone can tell Sheppard about why he is stuck here... still dreaming.

Leading him out of the darkened room and into the hall, McKay asks in a softer voice, "You okay?"

"People ever going to know the truth?" The first time Sheppard asked that it was a straightforward question; this time he's pleading for himself, for the answer he can't find about what happened to him after he died.

"Not my decision." McKay sounds cold again, "Personally, I think people choose to live in their own happy little delusions. They don't really want to know the truth."

"Or maybe the delusions don't even have to be happy..." Sheppard muses. _'Maybe they just have to hide you from the truth. Maybe it's his punishment to keep running the same way he did in life.'_

McKay gives him a quizzical glance, not responding to his deviation from the script.

Once upon a time, Sheppard liked games, but now he feels like the mouse in a maze, unable to find his way out. Or like the alien says, a fish in a pond... a pond that is drying up in the unforgiving desert. Busy, busy, busy... with nothing to do but slowly starve.

He looks up at the room of people they have just joined.

McKay argues for a while with a small floppy-haired man over the purpose of some device the alien murderer is supposedly creating; McKay's sure that it's intended as a signal to alert other Wraith aliens to the location of Earth.

"But that would require a massive boost." The floppy man protests.

"Yes!" McKay acts like he's speaking to a 5 year old, "It would require more energy than he has now."

"Well, not even a ZPM..."

"I know!" McKay shouts.

"That kind of burst is uncontrollable."

"I never said it wasn't dangerous." McKay hisses "It could open any number of anomalies."

"Like the inter-dimensional rift?"

"Okay. Would you stop bringing that up?!" McKay yells, "Why do you have to constantly keep reminding me? Especially in front of other people."

"You are such a child." The other man retorts.

"And yet, I am still smarter than you." McKay stalks away angrily and returns to Sheppard. The McKay he sees later in the cafe is much more agreeable than this version.

Gesturing to the door, McKay speaks quickly, "Don't worry, everything's under control."

Sheppard sleepwalks to the scorching parking lot outside the huge hanger in the middle of nowhere. The black SUV is parked nearby, waiting for him. They think they are letting him go, that he doesn't pose enough of a security risk for anyone to believe him. But he never escapes them, he'll always find himself drawn back here looking for the answers.

"Thank you for your cooperation, Detective." McKay hands him a card, "If you think of anything else, call me at this number."

The first time Sheppard got the card he had no intention of calling McKay. He hadn't known if he believed a word the man said. He didn't really care. He was leaving the desert once and for all, taking the money to disappear somewhere cold. Maybe Alaska.

The first time he'd asked questions out of curiosity, even found himself admitting there'd been a little bit of cash in the room with the dead body... mostly to gauge McKay's reaction and see if he already knew.

When McKay had asked how much money, he'd licked his lips and lied easily. "A few thousand." He'd never been completely sure if McKay believed it, but he let Sheppard go.

Wordlessly, Sheppard takes the card, ready to leave with as much unnecessary conversation as possible. He turns to go, but McKay stops him anyway. God, he hates this part.

"That field medic," McKay narrows his eyes, "the one you defied orders to go back and try and rescue, you knew her personally. You were... involved."

"Yeah. You know everything." Sheppard drawls sarcastically with his sunglasses hiding his emotion; he doesn't know why, but he feels a stab of grief over the fact that no one will ever know what Lyle meant to him... what they meant to each other...

"It was a hard choice." McKay's eyes soften, "Certainly you didn't intend things to go as badly as they did. Things just don't always go the way we plan."

McKay blinks, looking solidly at Sheppard, "We know where to find you."

Sheppard turns away, uselessly wishing he'd made the choice to keep driving and never look back. If only he hadn't noticed the leaking Antifreeze on that Airstream trailer.

But it's too late now. He's dead and somehow stuck living out his last days over and over.

"Detective." McKay stops Sheppard again before he gets into the SUV and walks up close to him, "Remember when I told you I once met another version of you?"

Sheppard sighs, this is the part he wishes he'd never heard. Hearing this is what made him turn the car around and get himself killed.

"I know you'll probably think this sounds ridiculous, but, ah, a little while ago, a little while ago we accidently opened a rift in space-time. Went through to an alternate version of reality. It was very similar to ours in many ways. I met a team, much like the one I work with, only you were the leader. You were a hero. Saved the world several times over."

"Sure." Sheppard answers flatly, none of this fucking matters now.

"I don't think there's much difference between you and that other John Sheppard I met." McKay lifts his gaze defiantly, "It's amazing how one incident can entirely alter the course of your life. Still... I'd like to believe you have the same strength of character. That's why I told you the truth."

Sheppard had long become accustomed to being a failure; But McKay's words, calling him a hero, telling him he could have been something else... they'd stung somewhere deep, somewhere inside himself where he hadn't been able to extinguished the last lingering embers of hope. It made him want to be a better person than he really was...

Or maybe it made him think he could redeem himself for not being that better person; picturing the stolen money in his car Sheppard had pressed his lips together in frustration and asked, "What do you want me to say?"

"For now. Nothing." McKay called over his shoulder as he walked away.

This time Sheppard keeps his mouth shut. He knows better, he knows he's irredeemable.

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	136. Next time take the money and run

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.

The day he died, Sheppard quit and walked out of the police station feeling lighter. Expecting to start a new life, free from the past, he left everything behind; except the money, his Johnny Cash poster, and his car. But no matter what road he takes now, he knows his escape was only meant to be short lived.

Sometimes he stays drunk in a dark bar, sometimes he drives as far as he can get on the highway before everything resets, more often he just stays and talks with McKay.

But lately Sheppard has started to consider that he was meant to relive his death. Like maybe there are a finite number of times he has to suffer before his penance is over. Today is one of those days where he opts to drive to the desert and bleed out.

 _"I'll show you your destiny, John Sheppard."_ The creature had hissed at him.

Maybe it was always his destiny to die this way. If everything that happened was real and he did save lives, maybe he went out doing good. Just not good enough to redeem himself.

If his choices still matter, maybe every selfish act, every time he runs away again and chooses not to stop the alien, it sets things wrong and strikes another mark against him.

Even if it does all just mean nothing, part of him has come to crave the pain. In a way Sheppard needs the hurt to feel anything; it's all he has left, his destiny.

The lonely Johnny cash song playing on the car stereo seems to understand. It's the song that got him through Nancy leaving after she called off the wedding. He figured after that he really was meant to be alone. At least until he met Lyle...

From the open window, the breeze ameliorates some of the blazing heat outside. Sheppard turns up the volume to better hear the lyrics.

 _I'll be what I am._  
 _A solitary man._  
 _A solitary man._

 _I've had it here_  
 _being where_  
 _loves a small word_  
 _A part time thing_  
 _A paper ring_

 _I know it's been done_  
 _having one_  
 _girl who'll love me_  
 _Right or wrong_  
 _Weak or strong._

 _Don't know that I will_  
 _but until love can find me_  
 _a girl who'll stay_  
 _and won't play games behind me_

 _I'll be what I am._  
 _A solitary man._  
 _A solitary man._

Sheppard prepares himself for the painful death that awaits him and drives out to where the trailer is connected to the power grid. Pulling out his phone, he calls McKay to tell him the location.

"He thinks he's found him." McKay shouts to someone else in the room, "How?" He asks Sheppard.

"I remembered the trailer from the motel. It's one of those old Silver Bullets. It's just a hunch. You said he needed more power, so I drove along some of the more remote power lines into this city."

He hears McKay talking to someone and then Woolsey's voice in the background as he confirms that they have his coordinates. _'Yep. From that friendly tracking device you planted on my car'._

"Listen to me." McKay speaks to Sheppard with concern in his voice, "I know I said... but do not engage. Do you hear?"

The phone goes dead.

That's Sheppard's cue that the Wraith is about to make his move, "Yeah." he mutters to no one in particular, "Guess it's time."

He slowly drives within reach of the trailer, "We had a good run." He pats Betty's dashboard as the car rolls to a stop.

Almost to the end now. Sheppard reaches for the gun in his glove box, remembering the extra rounds this time, he carefully exits the driver's side door.

For the hell of it, he tries a new approach but doesn't make it far before a bullet punches through one of the trailer panes, like it always does. Sheppard runs back for the shelter of the car, positioning himself on the far side. Shots ricochet off the other side. As if it wasn't beat up enough already, poor old Betty sags as the gunfire takes the air out of her tires. She deserved better.

No matter how careful he is returning fire, he always manages to get hit. But what's one pistol against two automatic rifles... The planes will get here soon, his job isn't to survive, only to keep the alien from finishing his job.

Sheppard stands up and fires everything he has left into the chest of the white haired thing. The bullets have no effect, but Sheppard's shot up pretty good. A final wave of ammunition hits the car and he crouches down against it for support.

As the creature looms over him, Sheppard clutches his bloodied chest, wheezing for air. He pulls the trigger one last time. It clicks, still empty. But the distraction is working.

Sighing with his eyes closed, Sheppard pulls the empty trigger again. Then his arm falls weakly to the ground. He has no fight left in him and the Wraith sees this. It's eyes gleam as it drops its weapons and reaches out a hand in anticipation of feeding and draining what life remains from him.

But Sheppard knows this isn't how he goes out. He takes off his sunglasses and squints up at the creature without fear. In the distance there is the sound of approaching aircraft.

The thing whips it's head around suddenly and runs back into the trailer to finish what it started.

Moments later, a powerful energy pulse radiates out from the Airstream. His dilapidated car keeps Sheppard protected for the most part. Then seconds later, the missile blast hits the trailer and destroys everything. Flaming pieces of debris go flying out in all directions.

He wants to believe he bought them enough time like McKay says he did. It's not as if he hasn't tried other ways to stop it sooner... reaching the trailer earlier, or just telling McKay where to find it when they first meet. But it never plays out right; it's as if something is indelibly etched in time that can't be changed.

Doesn't matter. Whatever this was, it's over now.

The heat from the burning wreckage makes it hard to breathe and Sheppard crawls as far away from the smoke as he can before collapsing on his back.

Staring up at the sky, the last thing he hears is the voice of the Wraith prisoner in his mind.

" _Keep dreaming... There must be some other reason for your existence..."_

The blue sky fades into white until everything is gone.

And then it begins again.

He is back in the café, sitting on a stool.

The bell on the door chimes and he looks up to see McKay walk in. He takes his usual seat next to Sheppard.

Turning to McKay he asks, "Am I in hell? You know, I never really bought into that kind of thing but how else do I explain this?"

"I'm sorry," McKay looks sad, "but I had to change the parameters, you kept running all the way to Alaska. It made it very hard to find you and have a conversation."

"You're not real, none of this is."

"I assure you that I am very real."

"Right. That's what you always say." Sheppard grimaces and starts to get up from his stool, but McKay grabs his arm.

"Please. If you would just stop running away, I could make you believe."

"I've heard what you have to say and I don't like your answers." Sheppard shakes his head, "None of it adds up."

"If you only knew how long I've been trying to bring you back." McKay looks truly distressed.

"Sure. I'm in some kind of techno-stasis pod and I can leave anytime I want."

"Yes. We removed some from an Aurora class ship and brought them back for study at Area 51. It will damage your neural pathways if I try to forcibly remove you. Your body healed a long time ago, but I don't want to damage your mind. I need you to-"

"But aren't you supposed to be fighting aliens in another galaxy?" Sheppard asks sarcastically.

"I was but-"

"What about that guy," Sheppard points to a figure outside the café, "he real?"

"That guy? Not so much." McKay shrugs.

The corners of Sheppard's mouth curl up, "Snappy dresser. Now that's what you call a real Canadian tuxedo."

"Canadian?"

"Yeah, you said you were from Canada. You should know about that if you're real."

McKay looks back out the window in confusion.

"See, the denim jacket, denim shirt, matching denim jeans... Well, not quite matching, slightly different hues but close... that's the classic Canadian tuxedo."

"Okay." McKay's eyes narrow at him, "Your mind just made that guy up so you could insult me."

"What do you care?" Sheppard snarls.

"I-I don't know. I feel responsible. If I hadn't said what I did..."

"Didn't you say I saved the world? That if I hadn't found the Wraith thing when I did, the transmission would have gotten through?"

"Yeah-Yes. You definitely saved us. Though, I'm not so sure how Atlantis fared in the other realities, since part of it got through and tore a small hole in subspace."

"Like from Star Trek?" Sheppard snorts

"No, that show is completely unrealistic, nothing like..." McKay gives an exasperated sigh, "I'm talking about other realities, I think the transmission, the uh, coordinates to Earth got through a subspace tear. It was strong enough to reach... never mind. You saved the day and all that, so come back with me."

"But no money?" Sheppard asks.

"The moneys' gone. Car too. Sorry."

"Then I don't have anything to come back for, except maybe my Johnny Cash poster." Sheppard gives a carefree smile, "Come to think of it, I don't need that either. This is all a delusion anyway. I think it started sometime just before I met you, I just can't be sure when. Here, I'll prove it."

Sheppard closes his eyes and concentrates. He's back in his shabby apartment. Alone. The car is parked outside the window safe and sound. No sign of McKay. He'll just keep dreaming, dreaming until he wears thin enough that there is nothing left of him.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Staring at the empty seat in the café for a minute, McKay disengages mentally from the pod. He emerges from the chamber feeling disheartened at how short his conversation with Sheppard was today.

Back in the main lab, McKay mulls over how unsuccessful he's been at getting through to the detective after all this time. They'd rescued him soon enough to stop the internal bleeding but there'd been a lot of surgeries. Sheppard almost didn't make it, but then after he pulled through, he'd stayed in a coma.

McKay was supposed to head back with the others to Atlantis but he decided he could just as easily complete his work on Earth. At that point it felt like the only reason to go back would be Jennifer; but things between them hadn't felt quite right. It wasn't her fault, he'd never really been the same after Katie died.

Maybe getting transferred to Area 51 was his way of ending the relationship. Or maybe it had something to do with the responsibility he felt for Detective John Sheppard.

He'd insisted on placing him in one of the Aurora pods to test out the levels of brain activity. No one had really argued with him or cared much since the stasis chambers weren't actively being used in any projects. Sheppard's mind was clearly still healthy, but he created an internal world that kept McKay from being able to get through to him.

That had been almost two years ago.

Sure, the SGC has ordered Sheppard to be disconnected many times since, but McKay won't hear of it and has threatened to resign. It's outrageous that they would consider causing permanent brain damage over the use of such meager resources.

Brilliant inventions aside, after all the work he's done for them, he's pretty much been given the run of the place. Theoretically he should be happy with all the professional freedom he has at Area 51. It's a huge facility, though it almost feels a bit too big. He has a gaggle of minions to do his every bidding but he hates them all -sycophants, every one of them.

Still, it's not like he's lonely, he has his cat Binky after all.

He knows they make fun of his 'project' behind his back. And he supposes that he spends more time in the pods than he should. But he tells himself that Sheppard needs a consistent voice, someone to get through to him. And eventually he could come out... But McKay doesn't know if he believes that will happen anymore.

 _"You don't realize how little I have to lose."_ That's what he'd told McKay the day they met.

Guess he was telling the truth. Sheppard doesn't seem to see the point in coming back, even at times when he seems to entertain the possibility that McKay is telling the truth. The fact that he won't even try tells McKay that the guy cares very little about what happens to him.

Sometimes Sheppard thinks he's living in some kind of hell. He's so committed to running that McKay wonders what could be so painful about reality that he would choose _that_ over life.

Maybe he was wrong; maybe this Sheppard has nothing in common with the bright-eyed flirtatious man he met from another reality.

The com in his ear buzzes, "McKay, you've got to see this. Hanger 5. The PUD lab."

Taking a sip of his cold coffee, he frowns, imagining how his underlings have managed to screw up this time. Once McKay has made his way there, the hanger is mostly empty.

"Well, what happened?" He asks the remaining scientists.

"They- they took them to an isolation room to run some tests."

"They did, did they?" He snaps.

Another scientist pipes up whose name he can never remember, "They just appeared. Out of thin air. You, and, and the other guy. From an alternate reality, that's what they said anyway."

McKay looks to his consoles to check the energy readings. The residual feedback and trace amount of radiation seem to be consistent with a jump from an alternate universe. Obviously not one he initiated, since he still hasn't worked out the problems to get his own PUD running right .

He drives with the nameless scientist to hanger 12, where the men in question are being held and finds Dr. Lam.

"Well?" he asks the doctor.

"They check out. I mean the blood work matches. Your guys from the lab say the readings are consistent. I don't really have another explanation."

"I need to talk to them." He informs Lam.

"Don't you want to know who they are?" She asks.

"Yes, yes, I know. It's me, from another universe." McKay is impatient, "How exciting. But what I need to know is why." He huffs out of the infirmary and enters the locked isolation room.

His breath catches, "Sheppard. What are you doing here?"

.

.


	137. THEY solved the exotic particle issue?

.  
.

The green eyes sparkle easily back at him with a smile, "Good to see you too, Rodney. Now are you going to get us out of here?"

McKay turns to look at his double. His hair lighter, his eyes a brighter blue, he has a sparkle in his eye that McKay knows he has never had. He walks over to the other Rodney. He looks physically strong and self possessed.

"Wow. I-I've met an alternate Sheppard before, but never, ah, a me."

Rodney smiles happily at him, "Well, I traced the source of the transmission with the PUD and thought this would be as good as place as any to start the search. I assume you have a working Parallel Universe Drive?"

"Uh, almost, almost there." McKay answers in shock.

"And you haven't been overrun by Wraith, I see." Rodney notes.

"No uh-"

"I assumed since the source of the original transmission was fragmented through subspace." Rodney continues.

"Yeah..." McKay frowns "sorry, about that."

John shrugs, "Water under the bridge. We were hoping you might be able to do us favor in return."

McKay gestures to the chairs at the table, "Why don't we..."

Rodney and John pull a couple of chairs out and sit close to each other. McKay sits on the opposite side of the table, waving to the cameras in the corner, "Hope you don't mind we're recording."

"Yes, yes. Of course." When Rodney says it, it sounds like his own voice, but it is less bitter and heavy -more cheerful.

"There are a lot of questions I'd like to ask you." McKay eyes him warily wondering what life altering decisions changed his life in such a way.

"Actually," John tilts his head, "that's why we're here. To compare and contrast, find out of there are any untapped sources of power, say ZPM's we may have overlooked in our own reality."

"But it must have taken a tremendous amount of energy to get you here." McKay wonders.

John pats his double on the back, "Rodney, here has figured out a way to tap into subspace directly."

"But the exotic particle problem-"

Rodney interjects, "Found away around it. I'd be happy to show you. In fact, it we will need to get yours up and running if we're going to make a return trip. We got a transmission just after we arrived that the drive was burning out. I don't have any idea what kind of condition ours is in or how long it will take them repair it without me."

"You don't think there was a catastrophic overload?" McKay leans forward.

"No, no." Rodney assures him, "Been there done that. This one skips between realities to discharge the exotic particles. That was what I was trying to accomplish on the Daedalus from another reality anyway. See, once I collected the research I was able to compensate for my mistakes. Well, not mine, the other me... Anyway, the drive will shut down and burn itself out before anything like that could happen."

"It sounded like they had it under control. Anyway, I have come to trust Rodney on these things." John adds.

"You have?" McKay smiles softly, "So you two obviously know each other well?"

"You don't know me?" John lifts his eyebrows.

"Oh, uh, I know you, I little bit. I mean you saved the planet once."

"That sounds like me." John nudges Rodney affectionately.

McKay is puzzled, "I guess..."

"So where am I now?" John asks, "Atlantis?"

"You're here. Sort of. In a stasis pod." McKay looks down guiltily, "You got kind of knocked around after taking on the Wraith that was trying to send the transmission."

"How knocked around?" John pauses, "That was a long time ago."

McKay smiles tightly, "Yeah, it was." He clears his throat uncomfortably.

Rodney breaks the silence, "How about we get something to eat and you show me the state of your PUD."

"Just, ah, waiting for clearance." McKay taps his com. He stares at them feeling a bit stiff.

"Well," John lifts his hands, "surely we can talk about ZPM's"

"I doubt the SGC will be willing to part with any of them." McKay shakes his head.

"Oh." Rodney explains, "No, we don't expect you to do that. In the past, we encountered a reality that had access to another ZPM, and it gave us they idea, that alternate realities may be able to point us in the direction of where to look."

"Ah." McKay nods in understanding, "I suppose, Egypt."

"Got it." Rodney answers.

"The Replicator home world."

"We got what was left after the place was destroyed." Rodney tells him.

"Hmm..." McKay thinks "Brotherhood of the 15-"

John winces, "Almost got it."

"Well, there was the stash on the Lantean home planet." McKay adds.

Rodney balks, "We never saw anything while we were there. Nothing in the Atlantis database. No energy signatures. I mean, we found the underwater drilling platform, but there was nothing..."

"No, there was nothing like that" McKay explains, "Sumner found a tablet, that I decoded. The mathematics were based on the dimensions of the Lantean home planet. When we inspected the area on the other side of the planet, we found a hidden underground cache, like the one in Glastonbury. Interesting we never found an underwater drilling platform before we left... but yeah we found a pretty good stash."

McKay feels proud that he something figured out that his other self hasn't yet, "Hmm. Yes, actually I was the one that figured it out. Daniel had it completely wrong. It wasn't in the actual script, it was a complex mathematical pattern that corresponded to the planet dimensions... once I knew what I was looking for-"

Which was?" John cuts him off.

"A set of Ancestral rings, leading to the interior of the planet. The entrance was a elaborate puzzle- Well, we found all kinds of things, consciousness sharing stones, personal shields, and lots of ZPMs"

"Lots? In terms of?" John asks with growing excitement.

"Lots and lots." McKay answers curtly.

Rodney gasps and grabs onto John's arm with excitement and John leans into Rodney with a playful look. There is something about the way these two are together that makes McKay feel like he is missing out on something. They are close friends, obviously. He feels a pang of jealously and wishes he could feel what Rodney does.

"Well, that's great." McKay exhales with his hands on the table. "Glad I could solve all your problems today."

"He's grumpy." John looks at McKay and back to Rodney, "Grumpier than you."

"I still like him better than Rod." Rodney quips.

The two of them start laughing and McKay stares blankly ahead. "Well, I suppose if you can get the PUD operational than the information would be a fair exchange."

"I can definitely do that" Rodney says with confidence, "Just as soon as your willing to give me a crack at it."

"Clearance." McKay taps his com as a reminder.

"And he's more serious than you." John tells Rodney.

"Super serious. Look at that suit." Rodney says in a low voice.

"I like to dress well." McKay eyes Rodney's casual attire in open distain.

John presses his lips together and whispers to Rodney, "He kinda reminds me of Woolsey."

"He can still hear you, you know." McKay looks to John in contemptuously. He isn't sure he likes these guys at all; they seem too rough around the edges to have figured a problem as complex and the exotic particle equation.

"Sorry" Rodney apologizes, "He only teases people he likes."

His face stays cold, but McKay remembers Sheppard's joke about Canadians earlier today and it makes he brightens internally, "Oh. Kidding. Ha, ha."

Rodney peers at McKay, "You seem very... strong."

"Thank you?"

"It's a compliment. I was just thinking... that even minute changes in the course of events can shape characters in different ways... You seem so confident, self assured, and... your hair is darker." He turns to John, "I look very commanding don't I?"

"Thank you." McKay answers crisply. "I was speculating today on that very phenomenon."

"Rakish, even." John smirks.

"You seem very unlike the Sheppard I know." McKay frowns at John, unsure if that is meant as a joke.

"Is he is Mensa?" John groans.

"No... He's a bit damaged."

"Physically?" John asks.

"Not anymore... He's a bit... lost these days. He's, ah, been in one of the Aurora pods since he recovered from his surgeries. But I can't get him to come out voluntarily, he doesn't believe he's in stasis, or doesn't care. I only really met him the one time before he went in and I can't seem to get him to trust me, so..."

"So, how do you know we're different, then?" John looks curious.

"We talk from time to time." McKay admits.

"You keep him company." Rodney says with a gentle expression.

"No, I, uh, just try to engage him. Explain the situation..." McKay stiffens, looking at John, "You seem more like the other Sheppard I met from an alternate reality, the one who led a team on Atlantis. This one, Detective Sheppard has a darkness about him...

he got dishonorably discharged from the service after a failed rescue attempt got 12 people killed. He used to be a detective on homicide in Vegas. I'd say he doesn't seem to care a lot about what happens to him, one way or the other."

"Oh..." John's face goes still. "12 people... Do you know who they were?"

Rubbing his brow thinking, McKay thinks, "A medical team of civilians, a marine, and 3 guys from his team."

"Dexter, Mitchell... and Lyle?"

"Yeah. I think that was it. He went in to rescue them against orders but the chopper went down. He and one other guy survived the crash, but the other guy didn't last long. The rest of the report was redacted. I don't know how he made it back out or managed not to do any jail time."

"I know." All the playfulness has gone out of John's face, "He was captured by the Taliban and tortured for almost a month. It was a fluke trade that the Air Force got him back at all and they didn't want any bad publicity about what happened."

"I see." McKay wonders, "But you stayed in the Air Force?"

"I didn't get anybody killed exactly. Dex and Mitch were already dead. The medical team was never lost behind enemy lines. I just went back for Lyle and a couple of his guys." A dark looks flashes across John's eyes, "The other 2 were dead already, and he was dying when I found him... I can't imagine what I would have done if I had all that on my conscience."

"I think... you felt you had very little to lose." McKay says quietly.

John's voice is gravelly. "Yeah."

"So," McKay asks, "what happened to you?"

"I was just exiled to McMurdo. Not a bad place to do penance... About a year later, the Atlantis expedition came through and since I had such a strong variation of the Ancient gene they asked me. Well, they didn't ask exactly, General O'Neill ordered me to-"

"You have the gene?" McKay asks.

"Yeah."

"Without the ATA therapy?"

"Uh-huh."

McKay blinks in thought, "Interesting."

"So, did you go on the expedition?" Rodney asks him.

"Yeah. I just didn't go back after Shep- I can just as easily do my work from here. It's a better set-up for me."

"Is Elisabeth alive?" John asks.

"Dr. Weir? Alive and well."

John and Rodney both smile and exchange a look.

"And Carson?" Rodney asks.

"No." He answers tersely.

"I'm so sorry." Rodney whispers. His face wrinkles up for a moment and he asks another question, "Alex?"

John looks at him sharply and McKay wonders why.

"I don't know an Alex." He answers.

"You never met Alex..." Rodney trails off "How's Jeanie?"

"She's fine, I guess. We keep up once in a while." McKay is curious and changes the subject, "Did you and Jennifer ever-"

"Yeah," John cuts him off impatiently, "they were briefly an item."

"Ever so briefly." Rodney gives John a deep look and places his hand on his arm.

Observing the body language between these two, McKay wonders if it is something more than friendship...

Rodney lifts his hand from John's arm with a finger in the air, "Binky!"

"Yes, I know a Binky." McKay smiles openly, "Best little guy. Best little friend I could ask for, I mean when I shake that food box-"

"And he comes running. Now that is pure love." Rodney gushes.

John gives Rodney a playfully hurt expression and Rodney backpedals, "Not love, love, I mean-"

Looking at McKay self-consciously, Rodney adds "He's a great guy."

McKay eyes widen a bit as he wonders more about the connection between these two men. The way they look at each other, sitting so close, touching familiarly... he had felt a spark between himself and the first Sheppard he had met, the other Colonel Sheppard. It could be possible..."

The com buzzes in his ear interrupting the thought. He turns his attention back to the pair, "Gentlemen, we have clearance to enter the PUD lab."

After a through examination Rodney declares in exasperation that it will take him at least 6 months to get the thing up and running. He mutters about the incompetence of Zelenka and grumbles about how they will be unable to send a signal back until he gets McKay's machine running.

John whispers to McKay that it will be 3 months tops.

While Rodney fusses over a list of the materials he will need, John tells McKay ruefully, "Guess there won't be a lot for me to do with you two geniuses at work."

"No" McKay admits.

"Could have been Mensa." Rodney chirps at John and he laughs.

Must be an inside joke. McKay motions to John, "Unless... Maybe you could get through to Sheppard... He might listen to you, to himself."

"I'd be willing to try" John nods thoughtfully.

.

.

* * *

.  
.

John and Rodney are given a square meal and separate quarters on the base. He isn't used to sleeping without Rodney anymore and feels better when Rodney gives him clear look to let him know he will be coming to him later.

The bed in his room is small and John thinks Rodney will have them out of here soon once considering how cramped it is. It reminds him of the old days when the practically slept on top of each other in order to fit in the same bed at night.

Actually those nights were pretty cozy. John pulls Rodney tighter and tangles himself up as close as he can.

In the morning there is an early knock. John is startled awake and Rodney groans practically falling out of the small bed.

"Colonel." McKay's voice calls out from behind the door, "Are you up yet? I thought we might get you set up with the stasis pod before Dr M- Rodney and I start work."

"Why does he get up so early? I never get up this early." Rodney hisses as he stumbles out of bed and makes his way to the small desk on the other side of the room.

As Rodney sits behind the desk in his T-shirt and boxers trying to look casual, John laughs a little and whispers. "Probably have cameras in here anyway, Mere."

He pulls his pants over his own boxers and a long sleeve shirt on, "If we're going to be here a while, we're going to need another change of clothes."

"And a shower." Rodney adds.

In a louder voice John calls out "Uh, yeah, hold on, McKay I'll be right out."

The door opens and McKay steps in with a duffel bag, "Sorry, these cells, I means rooms, weren't really meant for long term use, we'll get you some better accommodations with more than toilets... but for now I brought some military issue clothing that should fit-"

McKay stops when he seeing Rodney sitting in corner, "Ah... Hello there."

"Morning." Rodney flushes.

"I brought some for you, too." McKay shakes the bag in his other hand.

"Thanks." Rodney opts to keep sitting.

There is awkward silence in the room for some time then McKay offers an apology, "I shouldn't have just come in, I'm sorry about that."

"We were just..." Rodney falters then looks to John for help.

"Different quarters would be nice." John tells McKay.

"Okay." He nods.

"A bigger bed?" Rodney suggests. He shrugs at John. "They're about to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell anyways and it's not like this is our universe... and if we're going to be here a while..."

"Yeah..." John lifts his hands, "Fuck it. A bigger bed."

McKay gapes for a moment then regains his compose, "Well, I'll just leave both of these here then... Also, ah, Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed here last year."

"I'll see you both in the mess hall." McKay gives John a strange look as he leaves.

.  
.

John blinks at the nearly empty parking lot of the café. He sees a red vintage car that looks like the one he had as kid, only more beat up.

He strides towards the entrance, the door makes a pleasant chime as it opens. His own figure is stooped from behind, leaning over the counter. He looks thin, more ragged. John steps up to the stool nearby and sits down next to Sheppard.

The other man turns slowly and squints at him, "This is different."

"Yeah."

"Where's the other guy?"

"He took the day off."

"Hmm... None of this is real you know." Sheppard picks up his coffee mug and sips at it. He shakes his head, "Says the crazy man to himself..."

"Well, I'm not actually you." John smiles.

"Oh, you're the hero, then." Sheppard lifts his head dismissively, "The one I should have been."

"No. Just luck of the draw, I guess."

Sheppard doesn't answer and John continues, "I went back too, but it was only Lyle who was missing. He died... after I got to him. I ended up exiled in Antarctica... The Atlantis expedition literally fell in my lap. Just luck. I would have done the same as you if I'd had to."

"I think you must represent my guilt or something. The idea of what I might have been if I hadn't failed." Sheppard eyes John carefully, "I liked the other guy better... I don't have anything to say to you."

"Your problem is that you know this isn't real, so you're dismissing all of it." John explains, "But you really are in a stasis pod. A virtual reality that you have limited ability to control. I'm in a pod right now too, trying to communicate with you."

"A guy from a parallel universe?"

"Yes, as crazy as it sounds. Rodney and I followed the origin of the transmission that that came from your reality. McKay thought I might have more luck getting through to you...

See, some years back, we encountered a ship full of Ancients, the race of aliens that created this technology. It had been disabled and they went into a kind of interactive cryo-stasis. The same thing happened to them. They were in there almost 10,000 years, stuck in time loop, thinking they were traveling on their way back home.

By the time we found them, their bodies were moribund and they had no hope of surviving the revival process. I took a look at you on the way in, and you still look pretty okay, but I wouldn't press my luck if I was you."

"I don't care much either way." Sheppard shrugs.

"See," John frowns at his double, "I think you do. The last thing I would want is to be stuck in a place like this, with nothing but my own memories to haunt me. I'd be looking for a way out."

"Then, I guess you don't know much about me after all." Sheppard drinks his coffee slowly, "None of this is much different from how my life before."

John thinks back his days at McMurdo, "The numb routine, the surreal quality, emptiness, mechanical motions... "Yeah. That didn't really change until I met Rodney."

"Who, McKay?"

"Yeah. I can only imagine what I would be like now if I had been left there... alone." John closes his eyes for a moment, "He and Atlantis, they rescued me from me from myself. Gave me a reason to keep going."

Sheppard lifts his eyebrows with amused distain and talks to his cup, "Maybe I should stop drinking the coffee."

"All you have to do is concentrate," John tells him, "just for a moment, but really concentrate on leaving the chamber. You'll see for yourself what is real and what isn't."

Haunted, frozen, guarded, emotionless eyes stare back at him. Heavy stubble fills out the gaunt looking face. Sheppard stands up and folds his jacket over his arm. He takes John in but reveals nothing of himself. John wonders if he was ever this broken and shut down. Is this the kind of man he was when Rodney first met him? He can't be sure anymore, in a way he has forgotten, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Sheppard makes in inscrutable face, "Well, nice meetin' you." and walks out of the café, leaving John by himself.

Hard guy to talk to. John sighs and closes his eyes to concentrate on opening the pod chamber.

.  
.


	138. Misguided heroics

.  
.

As the days go by, John can't shake the image of Sheppard's expressionless face. If there was any part of that man that had hope, he couldn't see it. Meeting him was like seeing a ghost; or some version of himself lost in a darkness beyond the kind John once knew.

If he could only show him what it was like to be on the other side… John wonders what else he could possibly say to convince himself.

Watching Rodney, McKay, and their team working on the PUD device, he has little else to do but think about the damaged version of himself in that Aurora pod.

John stands up pensively and walks across the lab to McKay, "Hey, you said you had some of those stones from the Ancient cache on Lantea, right?"

"Yes, what about them?" McKay looks up somewhat distracted and annoyed by the interruption.

"Do you have the machine that activates them?" John asks.

"Yes, we have the machine." McKay straightens up from his calculations, speaking with a degree of condescension, "how could they possibly transfer or share consciousness without the machine that activates them?"

" _Share_ consciousness?" John asks in excitement, "You have stones that do that?"

"Why?" McKay gives him a dubious look, "What do yours do?"

"Just transfer between bodies, but that's even better." John pauses, "Okay, so, is it possible to open the Aurora pod without disconnecting the neural interface?"

"I suppose so. Yes, for brief time." McKay looks mildly interested now, "But it wouldn't make a difference. Any kind of manual disconnect would cause irreparable damage to his brain."

"I'm thinking just enough time to place a stone in there with him." John explains.

"And you would take one in with you?" McKay's eyes widen, "It might work."

"We'd have to ask him first, to see if he is willing to try it."

"And if he isn't?" McKay frowns.

John shrugs, "I'll come up with a new plan."

"What plan?" Rodney looks up from his calculations.

"To get through to Sheppard." John tells him.

"Ha!" Rodney snorts. "Good luck, that took years."

"And we've got," John tilts his head, "what, weeks?"

"I told you 6 months, I meant 6 months." Rodney answers in a singsong voice.

Making a face at McKay, John whispers, "He always says that, but it's just to make himself look smarter when he gets something done in half the time."

"He can still hear you, you know." Rodney calls over to them, "And it's still faster than waiting for Zelenka to figure out the recall problem on _his_ end."

McKay suddenly grins and John realizes it is the first time he has actually seen this more serious version of Rodney look happy.

.  
.

Following Sheppard into a casino, John finally catches up with him, placing his hand on the other man's shoulder. "Hey."

"Oh," Sheppard jumps, "It's you again."

"Hey, you remembered me," John jokes, "You're not losing your mind yet."

"Gotta go play poker now." Sheppard growls as he turns away.

"Why? None of this is real, right?"

"Just something I do to pass the time." The other man replies blankly.

"Well, how about this time you have a chat with me instead." John proposes.

"Think I'll pass on that." Sheppard grimaces.

"Look, I'm not going to be here indefinitely, but that poker game will be. Just hear me out. I think I have something you'll be interested in."

Sheppard's eyes narrow, he looks down the hall and then back to John. "Five minutes."

"Okay," John bites his lip, "I want to try something that might help fill in the gaps with all this weird stuff that's being thrown at you. I could give you... access to my memories. All the missions, the history, how it happened, I think it would make more sense that way."

" _Your_ memories?"

"Look, if I'm not real, then you have nothing to lose. If I _am_ real, then you gain my experience and understanding. It's a win-win for you." John offers.

"And if you're real..." Sheppard tilts his head and examines John suspiciously, "What do you get out of this?"

"Nothing, well… I guess other than seeing myself set free from this prison. I remember what it used to be like... stuck in my mind, alone. And I'd rather not see you trapped here."

"Misguided heroics?" Sheppard gives him a pained smile.

"Maybe" John shrugs, "Plus I don't like seeing Rodn- McKay so... Look, I can tell he left Atlantis behind because of you, he's been here ever since and he feels responsible. I don't think he even realizes how unhappy he is; he's just so used to it... But you two are friends."

"That McKay guy?" Sheppard makes a pained expression, "Wish I'd never met him."

John continues anyway, "You don't know it yet, but you need each other. He's the one who can rescue you if you let him. And he needs you to rescue him back. I want you to do it for him."

"I barely know him." Sheppard answers dispassionately.

"But... he's come in here nearly every day to talk to you... for 2 years?"

There is a slight flicker across Sheppard's stoic expression, "sometimes it's better than having no one to talk to - at least when he's not trying to tell me what to do."

"See," John points out "I think you're the closest thing he has to a friend, other than Binky."

"Binky." Sheppard snorts, "He can go on forever about that cat. So let me get this straight, you really want me to try to help him?"

"And yourself," John sighs, "Look, I don't know if you remember what it's like to be close to someone, or if you ever had that. But you must have if you knew Lyle."

Sheppard's eyes flash with sudden emotion.

"Okay," John nods, "then you knew that once. And it meant something. But it pales in comparison to who Rodney is to me. I mean, who he could be to you. I could show you…

And if you still choose to stay in here alone, then you've lost nothing, right?" John steps forward more confidently, "But I think I know you, at least a little bit, and you want out of here, you just don't know the way out yet. Maybe I could give that to you."

"You could give that to me." Sheppard repeats doubtfully.

"Maybe. I hope so."

Sheppard stares at him for while with an unreadable expression. Then finally speaks in a flat tone, "Alright. Fuck it."

"Alright." John grins, "Nothing to lose. I'll be back." He closes his eyes and exits the chamber.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Sheppard watches as his likeness suddenly disappears from the casino. He's seen McKay do it before. Maybe he should listen to himself. Maybe he does want a way out. If it really exists.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

McKay watches Rodney hover over John as he lies in the shelf-like pod, "I'm not sure this is a good idea. There could be some kind of interaction between the stones and neural interface. I mean, we have no idea-"

"There both Ancient tech, right? John reasons, "Can't go too haywire. If something goes wrong, just destroy the machine that controls the stones, it will sever the connection."

" _Destroy_ it?" McKay interrupts them in alarm, "Why don't we just turn it off?"

In unison, John and Rodney both ask, "You know how to turn it off?"

"Yes." McKay shakes his head at the pair of them wondering again how they ever managed to solve the exotic particle problem, "That would be the easier way."

"Okay, uh" John sits up in the pod, "Do that then."

Rodney scowls at the readings on his pad, "How long do you think this is going to take?"

"Honestly" John lays back down, "No idea. Never done this stone connection thing before."

"Well," Rodney taps his fingers nervously on the surface of the pod. "I'll be monitoring your brainwaves, if anything looks weird I'm to going come get you out."

McKay sees John reach his hand up to touch Rodney's face and Rodney's frown disappears; he looks at John with such, such… Something so much more than anything McKay's ever felt himself. It makes his pulse quicken watching 'himself' that way with Sheppar -John. Not Sheppard.

Then Rodney leans down and kisses John. As he starts to bend back up, John pulls on the nape of Rodney's neck, lifting himself partially back up from the pod and taking Rodney's mouth in his. There is obviously so much between them, it's more than just the passion that makes McKay flush and look away. He can't even imagine what it would feel like to have someone love him that way.

A moment later, Rodney calls back to him, "Okay. I think we're ready."

"Okay." McKay clears his throat, "This has got to be fast. I don't want to disrupt..." He types into his own pad, "Yes. We're good."

Nervously taking the stone from the nearby table, McKay holds it carefully with the non-transference film, careful not to accidently activate the consciousness blend by touching it himself.

"Okay, here it goes." McKay takes a deep breath and punches in the sequence; Sheppard's gaunt body comes sliding out of the panel, his hands restively crossed like someone in a coffin.

McKay quickly places the stone on his chest, just above the collar of the hospital gown. He reaches up anxiously typing the code to close the panel again. As the chamber door hisses back into place, he looks up to John and Rodney.

"You ready?" he asks.

Rodney nods and hands a stone, still covered in the protective film, to John. "So as soon as you make contact with the stone, you should feel it. McKay says it might be a little weird."

"Yeah. Figured that part out, Mere."

"Good luck in there." Rodney touches John's face affectionately.

John unwraps the stone, "Thanks." He gasps suddenly and Rodney looks to him in concern.

"No, no. I'm okay. Put me in, do it quick."

McKay punches in the code and watches John's chamber close.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John is standing in the middle of the café. It's deserted except for Sheppard's slouching figure in one of the side booths. He's got to find his bearings. This is so intense, remembering two lives at once; they almost fit, but they don't.

Everything is heavier, so much heavier. Even his breath feels weighted. The sense of numb despair is overwhelming. In his mind John sees the castle that Rodney once metaphorically used to describe his heart. The armored walls.

Only this heart has no deceptive garden, there's nothing alive here at all. It is scorched and burned. The resident is hiding, walled up in one of the inner chambers, dark, lonely, and so afraid. It feels colder than John ever remembers being himself.

"I can see all that, you know." Sheppard speaks with his head hanging.

"I know. It's..." John exhales deeply, walking shakily to the booth and sitting on the other side.

When Sheppard meets his gaze, his eyes are wide and wild looking.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Sheppard sees the image of another castle in his mind, the pleasant one with the deceptive gardens that Rodney had once described, "This is how he once saw you."

The image changes as Sheppard thinks about the open floor plan in the home they share at Solaris... He sees Rodney tracing his fingers around his eyes, gazing at him with wonder before they make love, _'They're all gone.'_

Sheppard feels himself tremble the way John did under Rodney's touch as he asked, _'What Mere?'_

 _'All your armored walls, your defenses... They're all gone.'_

The immense trust and love in his heart spills over, too much to contain, _'Only for you, Mere.'_

At the memory of Rodney's lips finding his, Sheppard's body shivers in delight. He feels his heart surge again; the happiness is almost unbearable.

 _'Em.'_ Rodney pulled his lips away enough to whisper, _'I love you.'_

Sheppard is falling, falling through space, falling into Rodney. There is nothing to protect him because he is safe now. He's been found. This is what it feels like to known and loved beyond measure. He surrenders.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John opens his eyes startled by the vivid emotions of his own past experience.

Sheppard's eyes are staring back at him calmer now, shining, almost watery with emotion. "So much..." He whispers hoarsely.

"I know." John nods feeling the warzone that this other man has lived through, "You're… it's almost like me… but you, you..."

John closes his eyes with the pain of the memories.

Many of them are the same. His mother lying in a pool of blood staining the small white tiles in the bathroom, as he begged her lifeless body, _'Please, Mommy, don't leave me.'_

His brother slapping him away when he cried. His father screaming and beating him. Leaving home on his own, the deep sense of dread and loneliness.

The humiliation of being outed in high school over the horrible thing he let himself do with Tyler. The shame, the self-hatred. The walls, the walls between himself and the rest of the world, to shut everything out. No light, no hope. Not even any friendship or laughter.

Here the memories diverge.

Nancy had only been a glimmer in the dark that quickly faded. They never married. For years such a solitary existence... and the years dragged by slowly, nothing changed, nothing mattered.

There was the occasional sexual contact with a man or woman… The self-loathing almost as piercing after being with a woman. He felt like a fraud, a leper. Trying to hide his dark soul for a night. Only just long enough to let himself be touched. But no one could really reach him; it was just a necessary release when the pressure got to be too much.

Then in Afghanistan everything changed, much like it did for John. Sheppard allowed a few people to matter to him. Mitch, Dex... and especially Lyle. Lyle was everything to him, but he didn't dare let himself get too close. Nothing to break the perfect intimacy of their friendship.

John wonders if maybe some things are unavoidable, destined to be. But this timeline is different, worse. Waking up in the chopper with all the charred twisted and bloodied bodies of his friends. Lyle still breathing... but knowing he wasn't going to make it as he tried in vain to stem the bleeding.

He carried him a short distance from the wreckage to a defensible position. And that's where Lyle slowly bled out in his arms. He was helpless to do anything but hold him as he faded away. Lyle was scared, but not as scared as Sheppard was to lose him.

 _'Thanks for coming back for me.'_ He saw the love clearly in Lyle's eyes.

Reaching down tenderly, he cradled Lyle's face, choking out the words, _'Because I... I love you.'_

Lyle's whole body seemed to flood with relief and happiness, _'Love you too... Y-You know that right? Have to, have to know how much I love you?'_ He seemed so desperate for Sheppard to know.

Stifling a sob, he bent down to kiss Lyle, tasting the hint of blood on his lips, _'I know, I know, I've always known.'_

Lyle clamored to express the emotion, kissing him back, sharing the sweetness and intimacy they'd always been afraid to show.

Then his lips went soft and still.

Sheppard's mouth wilted into a grimace of agony as he pressed his mouth against Lyle's cold face and wailed, _'Please, please don't leave me! Oh God-Oh God. Please, NOOOOO!'_

Crushing Lyle's limp body in his arms, he sobbed, screamed, and begged. He couldn't let go, all night he held him, pleading. But Lyle was still gone.

Screaming.

There was so much screaming after that. Just like John's capture by the Taliban, the torture had been brutal. Then one unexpected day, deliverance came.

But it was too late by then; anything that ever mattered was dead. Dried up and withered away, like the husk of his soul.

After the humiliation of the court martial, Sheppard ended up in a desert again, with the oppressive heat and choking dry air. Back where it all ended, in blood and sand.

Working homicide seemed like an easy fit; the damage didn't reach him any more. he was numb to his surroundings, The death, the filth and grit, the gambling and sad souls selling their bodies. He worked just enough to scrape by and drank enough to keep himself alive. Not that he could call what he was doing really living.

God. John shudders, it started out the same, some of the pieces fit, but the rest... none of it quite happened that way. But he feels the memories like they are his own. He looks up at Sheppard, feeling a stray tear slide down his cheek.

Sheppard's mouth hangs open as he stares at John, speechless.

"God." John wipes the tear from his face with the sleeve of his shirt, "You actually had the courage to kiss him."

"You had the courage to live." Sheppard's eyes flood with pain.

"No" John shakes his head, "I just got lucky, lucky enough to find Rodney."

"When you linked with me I felt it all drop away." Sheppard's eyes reflect the tortured train wreck inside; John can feel it too, and the terror this man has of letting himself hope again, "All the guilt and shame and, and, I don't know, everything you've let go of. I feel him, and... does it really feel that way?"

"Yeah." John smiles gently, "Ronon was right."

"The other side, huh?" Sheppard asks bitterly. "Think I can get there one day?"

"Maybe." John offers, "You know the way out now."

"I don't know." Sheppard rubs his stubble, "It's a lot to take in. A whole lifetime of... I could never be you. I'm not you, not as good. And I feel... I'm so in love with this man... but he's not really the man I know, is he?"

"A little bit different, but not so far apart. He's spent the last couple years trying to bring you back. He's the best friend you'll ever have. Believe me-"

"I know. He's your husband, he's... I remember everything." Sheppard shakes his head in disbelief.

"He's the one that can get through to you. No matter how much I tried to shut him out, he still got through to me."

"Chaya."

"Yeah, Chaya helped. But now you see everything she showed me about myself. Maybe you can get there a little faster than I did."

"I don't know." Sheppard hunches over the table and buries his face in his hands, "I need some time."

"Will you come out with me?" John asks hopefully.

Sheppard lifts his head wearily and John knows his answer before he says it out loud, "Just, give me a minute, or an hour to process this. I'll come out but I don't know what to say to him. It's all just so..."

John can sense how fearful Sheppard is at seeing McKay again, how inadequate Sheppard feels despite his hope to be deserving. His heart is open and accepting, even yearning for this person who has been his constant companion here in this world of lost illusion. _His_ McKay, who he never imagined was actually real; but now he is so desperate to cling to the belief that he is.

"You can't imagine how happy he'll be when I tell him you're coming back." John assures him.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

McKay is confused. "So you're telling me that Sheppard's the more fucked up version of your, your, John… but that you're the more fucked up version of me?"

"Yes!" Rodney repeats with some exasperation.

"How is that even possible. You seem-"

"Look." Rodney gives him a tight smile, "The last thing you want is a trip down my memory lane, it's a bit of a horror show."

But you seem so..." McKay tries to put his finger on it, "you have something. I don't know exactly… you're happy."

"Well, happy now," Rodney winces a smile "but only after years of exquisite pain."

"I can handle pain." McKay squares his shoulders arrogantly but wonders just how much pain they're talking about; pain is not exactly his strong suit.

Rodney lowers his voice "The kind you don't want to be exposed to. Like rape and torture and every other kind of fear and insecurity and emotional… Look, I wouldn't feel ethical putting anyone through that.

"Like, how much rape and torture?" McKay gulps.

"Let's drop it, okay? That kind of thing seriously messes you up. You don't need it."

Feeling less sure that he does, McKay still presses, "It's just sharing memories, it's not like I'd have to go through it."

"Well, we really don't know what it's like, do we?" Rodney screws his face up, "Why in the world would you ever want to risk it? Other than the fact that I'm obviously a bit more brilliant since I figured out the exotic particle problem." Rodney shakes his head, "But, ah, in practical ways you seem much more put together."

"Well, I'm not." McKay admits, "And didn't you say you got the solution to the exotic particle problem from work completed by several other of your personas from alternate realities?"

"Work they may have imperfectly started but which _I_ perfected," Rodney gives him a smug look, "So, yes, _I figured it out."_

McKay decides not to argue about who is smarter, anyway it's not going to help him convince Rodney to do what he's asking, "Wouldn't you be curious? Wouldn't you want to know what it was like to… to know how it could have been different, to be happy?"

"What?" Rodney looks up from monitoring his pad abruptly, "If you think being inside my brain is going to make you happy, you're sadly mistaken."

"So you're not happy then?" From what he's seen, McKay is certain Rodney must be.

"Oh. Well, yes, but it's still a bad idea."

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

John stands up and reaches over to squeeze Sheppard's shoulder; he flinches a bit to the touch and John sighs. He knows how shut down this man is and why. His heart aches for Sheppard to know what it is to feel a connection with someone else. Even in the smallest way.

"Yeah." Sheppard's mouth curls down at the edges, "I'll have to get better at that."

"Come here a minute." John pulls at Sheppard's shoulder, "I'll show you how it was."

Knowing John's mind, Sheppard stands up stiffly to face him. They are in the memory of the first time he'd hugged Rodney in the back of a Puddle Jumper. It had been so hard to reach out and make contact, but it felt so good.

"It was perfect." Sheppard reminisces as if it was his own experience.

"Yeah." John tells him. "And it just got better."

His double still stands stiffly by the edge of the table, so John takes a step forward, clasping his arms around Sheppard's tense form until he feels some of the fear start to loosen.

Then he pulls Sheppard in a little tighter for a real hug, "Like this"

Sheppard sighs and lets his forehead rest on John's shoulder the way it did when John held Rodney the first time.

He doesn't have to say it. Sheppard senses that John wants him to stay this way and lets John comfort him. His breath becomes less ragged and slowly falls into a relaxed cadence.

John can hear Sheppard's thoughts as he settles into another memory of what it feels like to hold Rodney in his arms. He's scared but he wants to try. He isn't John, but maybe he can offer something, if McKay will let him.

He can feel Sheppard wondering if he could be any better at opening up than he has in the past, wondering if he could ever be enough to be with McKay…

Responding to Sheppard's thoughts, John lets the man go, holding him affectionately by the shoulders, "I'm sure of it."

Sheppard gives him a faltering smile.

"There. That's a good sign." John encourages him, "So, I'll tell them to expect you."

"In a little bit." Sheppard nods and sits back down in the booth, stunned and overwhelmed, he holds his head in his hands.

.

.


	139. It's a Wonderful Life

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.

"I really doubt I have anything of value to impart other than getting your PUD operational." Rodney argues wondering why McKay is being so persistent about this consciousness sharing.

"Maybe you do." Some of the crisp arrogance falls away from McKay's demeanor, "If you've been through pain, you must know a little bit, you must know how unhappy I am, the things I've considered at times to stop it."

"What?" Rodney looks at his double in shock, "But you never met Alex, right?"

McKay shakes his head and Rodney quietly regards him with more compassion.

"I've lost people too," McKay confesses, "I lost the one woman who really loved me, Katie. She ah, slipped away from an illness that took her mind first; she didn't even know why I was holding her hand when she lost consciousness. She never woke up."

"I'm sorry, I really am..." Rodney looks at McKay with sympathy, "But Alex? He wasn't someone I lost. He was more like, like a bad thing that happened to me, that changed me. But if you've struggled with the same feelings... I'm so sorry." Rodney sighs, "But there's a lot more to it than that, I'd rather not have to share those things or ever think about them again."

McKay sits down mutely and stares at the floor with dulled eyes. Rodney wishes he could offer something to this man, but he doesn't have the answers McKay is looking for.

Just then John's pad hisses open and Rodney rushes to help him out, "How'd it go?"

"Good, he's going to come out. He just needs a little time to himself first, but I feel his thoughts and emotions. He's definitely coming out." John wraps the stone back into the non-transference film, "These things stay connected until you re-set them right?"

McKay nods, releasing Sheppard's chamber and carefully re-wrapping the stone resting on his unconscious body. Then he quietly leaves the room without a word.

Looking to Rodney curiously, John asks, "Thought McKay would be more excited to hear it worked..."

"He probably is," Rodney shrugs a little guiltily, "for some reason he seems to think if I linked with him, he'd find answers to something he's missing. He's upset I said no." Rodney offers John his arm as he climbs out.

"Well, it is, it's pretty intense." John walks over to the lab table; suddenly he drops the stone in his hand and it falls abruptly to the surface. "Rodney? Sheppard is asking if you will do it."

"Why?"

"He feels... He thinks if they both share our memories..." John rears his head back, "Oh. He's gone. I mean, the link is gone. McKay must have turned it off."

Concerned, Rodney places his hand on John's face, "How do you feel, are you okay? It didn't change you, I mean, you're still John, right?"

"I'm still me, Mere." John leans in and kisses him, "It was like watching a movie all at once, but with the feelings too... I don't know. It made me think about what my life could have been like without you..."

John suddenly wraps his arms around Rodney and hugs him into his chest. "I was lost without you." John crushes him tightly, like he's afraid to ever let go.

"I'm right here." Rodney squeaks.

"Yeah. I got really lucky."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

Seeing McKay standing in the doorway, John slowly releases his grip on Rodney. McKay has a sad expression on his face and John wonders how long he's been there watching them.

"Sorry." McKay drops his gaze to the floor, "I'll just get my technicians to wipe this." He collects the other stone from the table.

They are left alone in the room again and John frowns wistfully at Rodney.

"What?" Rodney sighs.

"So, you don't want to..."

"No, I didn't want to put him through everything. He escaped the worst of it. No Alex… no kidnapping..."

"Did you tell him about it?" John asks.

"Sort of, a little. But he still seemed to think I had something he was missing, like I could transmit it to him. Is that what it's like? Did it really change anything for Sheppard?"

Thinking for a minute, John answers, "In the long run I don't know. Something changed, though. I felt it shift, and I'm glad I could do it for him."

"You think I should do it?" Rodney examines John's face.

"No, if you're not comfortable with it. It's pretty intense. But if you're only trying to protect him from your pain, then maybe you should let him decide."

John caresses the side of Rodney's face, "I think you are a lot more than the sum of what you've lived through. Whatever you've become through your experiences, you are amazing and whole, and so beautiful... I think he's right, you do have something he is missing. Still, I don't know if that's something you can ultimately give to someone, something that lasts."

"What did Sheppard want?" Rodney asks.

"Well, he has all my memories of you, he wants to connect with McKay… but he doesn't feel worthy. He thought if McKay had your memories, he might feel the way you do about me."

"Maybe he already does." Rodney guesses.

"It's not the same. Sheppard's like me, but he was so far gone from being able to connect with anyone, I doubt McKay would have been able to get through."

Rodney makes a face "I'm pretty persistent."

"Even so." John smiles, "He'd run so far away from himself... Too long to come back I think."

"And you changed that?"

"I hope so." And he does. John really hopes so.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

"Well..." Rodney is pensive for a moment, "I, I'm not opposed to seeing _his_ movie or whatever... But don't you think mine would scar him for life?"

"I don't think so." John frowns, "I don't feel scarred. Just, ah ...empathy."

"Yeah. Okay, maybe..." Rodney goes quiet for a while.

A few minutes later, when McKay comes back into the room, Rodney tells him, "I'll do it, if you still want to."

"Really?" McKay's face brightens.

"Sure, I mean, I'm just worried that you might be getting a bad bargain here." Rodney winces.

"No, no." McKay speaks quickly, "I don't care. I just need to know."

.  
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* * *

.  
.

McKay races back to the machine, his heart beating fast. He tells the technicians to hurry, afraid Rodney will change his mind. Where should they do this? Somewhere private. He knows an office they can use.

"Yes-yes, give that back to me now." He barks at his assistant, "And the other one, I'm going to need that too."

Snapping his fingers at another guy whose name he can't remember, "You, over there. I'm going to need you to come monitor Detective Sheppard's brainwave activity. He's coming out of stasis."

"No way." The guy's mouth hangs open in disbelief.

"Just come with me." McKay rolls his eyes impatiently.

When he and the assistant get back to the lab, John and Rodney are talking intimately. As they see McKay, they take a step back from each other.

Gesturing to the assistant, McKay tells them, "He's going to watch the readings." Then he looks to John, "Are you coming with us?"

Rodney looks up at John questioningly.

"You might want to talk privately." John suggests.

Rodney nods and follows McKay to a quiet office.

Offering Rodney the couch, McKay sits in the overstuffed chair across the table. His hands shake slightly as he sets the stones on the down. For the first time since he suggested this, he's having serious doubts. How terrifying will these memories actually be? Maybe he'll be horribly changed for the worse by the experience.

Seeing the fear in his eyes, Rodney assures him, "We don't have to do this."

"No." McKay clutches one of the stones and begins unwrapping it, "I want to. I'm doing this." He holds the cold stone in his palm and sets his face in determination.

"How do we sever the link if we need to?" Rodney reaches for the other stone slowly.

"Well, I can still do it. We won't be incapacitated or anything. It will take less than a minute. I didn't exactly get clearance for this part."

"Ah" Rodney smiles sarcastically, "Good to know there's no back-up plan."

"We don't have to do this." McKay nervously rubs the stone he has unwrapped from the film.

Hesitating for a moment, Rodney unwraps his and the smooth surface makes contact with his skin.

McKay gasps. The brightness, the full color, the volume on everything has gone up as a current of emotion and memories flood through him. His eyes are charged as he reels at Rodney.

But Rodney isn't feeling the same way. He's still leaning back into the couch; there is a studious look on his face, "Huh." he mutters.

McKay can sense his thoughts as Rodney sifts through the memories like old books in a forgotten library. To him, McKay's mind is gray and dull, it seems lifeless.

He lets himself feel Rodney's world again. Oh my God. It punches through his gut acutely. His breath hitches in sorrow as he remembers the pain and humiliation, the losses and regrets.

So much hope and so much rejection. And yet, it's beautiful, the strength that Rodney has, to keep pushing himself, to reach beyond. Field missions, danger, and John. There was always John. The mystery of him slowly unraveling over the years, pulling Rodney closer, pulling Rodney into his arms.

 _'Come back to me, Mere.'_

He exhales and blinks in surprise to see tears falling from his eyes. He hasn't cried in years, not since Katie died. And Katie was exactly how Rodney remembered her; a pale, nice girl who had simply been willing to tolerate him even if she hadn't truly known him.

And yet she had been the shining star in McKay's lonely life.

But the tears on his face are tears of joy, of knowing, belonging, home, everything John made him feel.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney calmly assesses his life without John. There is no John, so it is the story of his life in the Pegasus Galaxy without him.

Sumner left Teyla and the Athosians to die in the culling, returning later in a cloaked ship to capture one of the Wraith left behind to guard the gate. Rodney wasn't there of course, not on a field team. At that point he just did his job in the lab behind the scenes.

The Wraith still woke early from another mission gone awry. First contact with the Genii went worse; a handful of the expedition were killed when Sumner stole their data module. The Genii came back for revenge and tried to take Atlantis during the storm. They got it back, but too many lives were lost retaking the city.

They lost another 20% of the population when one of Rodney's science teams accidentally released a deadly nanovirus into the population. Lt. Ford was one of the casualties. As a precaution, everyone was given Dr. Beckett's gene therapy after that.

With the expedition whittled down and vulnerable, Sumner and Bates became even more desperate in their attempts to locate another ZPM. The depleted ZPM they stole from a planet of children didn't have enough power to dial Earth, so the situation remained dire until reinforcements from Earth arrived after receiving Rodney's SOS data burst.

During the siege, Beckett fired the small handful of drones left in the artillery. But to keep the city from falling, Sumner ordered Becket and two others with the Ancient gene to fly what was left of their nukes on suicide runs against the Hive ships. The Daedalus didn't arrive in time to beam any of them back to safety.

So Rodney never got to know his colleague Dr. Beckett very well before he died. Just like Teyla and Ronon, who he never met at all. In fact there isn't anyone that ever got to know him well.

Since Alex was never a part of his life, Rodney resumed relations with his sister Jeanie shortly after she left school to have the baby. There relationship was always cordial enough, but not warm.

Nothing in Rodney's life had gotten very close to him, nothing too bad, and nothing too brilliant. Except for his own mind of course, and that's where he retreated.

With new crew joining them from Earth, it seemed like Atlantis was getting back on its feet again. But a Wraith virus infected the ship and many died before they could wipe it completely from the systems.

When they found the Ancient Aurora vessel, Rodney was able to complete a salvage of some of the stasis pods before Caldwell blew it up to keep it out of the hands of the arriving Wraith ships. The same pods that currently house Detective John Sheppard.

The Taranians all died when the Super volcano exploded because Caldwell insisted on beaming the Atlantis crew back when he realized the danger. Perhaps it was a faster way to go then dying in Michael's macabre experiments. But Michael never existed in this world.

Rodney's main focus for a long time was the intergalactic gate project. The Wraith cullings were taking a deadly toll on Pegasus, but an even bigger threat was discovered with the Replicators. Rodney was never a main player in any of the action, but behind the scenes he worked wonders with the base-code of the nanite machines.

When Sumner captured a specimen, Rodney actived the Ancient kill code in the Replicators, the reason the Ancients created them in the first place –to annihilate the Wraith.

All-out war broke out between the Replicators and Wraith, taking the pressure off for a time. But then the Replicators begin to annihilate human worlds to starve the Wraith of their food supply.

Shortly after that Rodney uncovered the Ancient cache, the mother lode they had always been searching for –23 pristine ZPM's. Sumner opted to use the abundance of power to activate the stardrive and move to a new planet, a more secure location that the Replicators were not aware of. He'd had little concern for the dying human worlds in the galaxy; gathering Ancient technology had been his primary goal.

Rodney's life moved along without much to mention. There were no games, no laughter, no friendship, no team to bond with. But he was given a moment of intense clarity when he almost died from an Ancient Ascension machine. After Dr. Keller revived him, he resolved to try to move out of his isolation and take an emotional risk by asking Katie Brown out to dinner.

He and Katie formed a bond, a precious connection that he nurtured -afraid it would break should she get to know him too well. They only had 6 months together, but it was the brightest time of Rodney's life.

She died with a number of other expedition members when an alien bacteria tore through the station. They about lost a 1/3 of their remaining expedition. Some were hit harder than others. Rodney survived, but what remained of his soul was crushed.

He tried to step up to the new leadership role assigned to him, but the toll of the Replicator-Wraith wars was wearing him bare as well. It was hard to stand by and watch millions die. The IOA tied Elizabeth's hands, not wanting her to waste Earth resources when the threat to them was minimal. They were only interested in gathering more of their precious Ancient technology.

Elizabeth eventually resigned over it and Woolsey took her place. Rodney and Dr. Keller grew closer in that time, gradually striking up a romance, but his heart wasn't really in it. He felt like he didn't have much of a heart left to give after Katie died. It fact, he didn't much feel like living at all.

The Pegasus galaxy was left in tatters by the time Rodney and some of the others were recalled to deal with a possible Wraith threat on Earth. After Detective Sheppard disrupted the transmission, the rest of the crew returned to Atlantis.

Given the high mortality rate and depressing state of affairs in that galaxy, Rodney opted to stay behind. The military was eager to see the development of his PUD and wormhole drive, so they offered him whatever position he wanted at Area 51.

That had been the end of things with Jennifer and the beginning of his fascination with bringing John Sheppard back from the dead.

He denied it to the others of course, but it really did become an obsession, as if he was trying to resurrect himself somehow. Over the last couple years, Sheppard was the only one he really talked to or confided in. That is, when Sheppard would let him.

Somehow, it was cathartic having someone to talk to, even if Sheppard usually said little in return. Rodney talked enough for the both of them.

Over time, he stopped trying to convince Sheppard to leave the pod -for the most part. That only made him run. Instead Rodney took what he could, even if it meant at occasionally indulging Sheppard in his idea that Rodney was a hallucination. Anything for his company, the chance to have Sheppard listen to him. He knew the whole thing was pathetic. He was so pathetic.

Rodney sighs and opens his eyes. McKay's face is brimming with emotion, blinking through tears. Rodney opens his mouth to apologize but instantly realizes they are not tears of pain.

McKay's lower lips quivers, "Thank you." He rasps.

Rodney reaches across the short table and touches McKay's arm. He feels so connected to him and so sorry for what his life has lacked. He wonders if he has given McKay what he was looking for.

"Yes." McKay answers him with his piercing eyes; then he closes them and Rodney can feel him collecting his thoughts.

"I'll turn it off now." He tells Rodney, composing himself and leaving the room.

Rodney is stunned. It feels like he has just witnessed something like that movie 'It's a Wonderful Life'. John was George Bailey of course, and Rodney was Mary Hatch, the lonely, lifeless woman who never knew love.

The rest of the galaxy, it went to hell just like the town of Bedford Falls. If the Sheppard in this reality could only know how much the universe lost by his absence... Maybe McKay can explain it to him... John always knows his movie references.

Suddenly Rodney feels the cold, lonely presence of the other man slip away from his mind. He stands up missing John terribly even though he been gone less than 10 minutes. God, he needs to feel John now, it feels like years have passed without him.

Rodney runs to the lab, forgetting the assistant is still there. He stares at John with hungry eyes.

"That bad, huh?" John looks worried.

Rodney gives him a flirtatious smile to let him know he's okay.

McKay rushes back into the room, waving at his assistant, "You-you can go now." He turns to Rodney, "You know how to operate this don't you?"

"Sure, but why?" Rodney wonders.

"I'm going in." McKay tells him with a flushed face.

"I'm sure he's planning on coming out." John tells McKay.

"Doesn't matter. I have to go to him." McKay opens one of the empty pods, then hurriedly takes off his suit jacket; he folds it neatly before quickly climbing in.

John looks at the jacket in amusement, "Wow, that's something I don't see everyday -McKay folding his clothes."

McKay looks up at Rodney, his eyes alive and vulnerable.

Understanding, Rodney moves to the controls and types into the pad. The door hisses shut and he walks over to John.

"Oh, God." He holds John's handsome face with determination, "How I've missed you." Rodney pulls him down and takes his full lips squarely in his, "Mmm." Rodney murmurs, "It's a wonderful life."

.

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	140. You were always my destination

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The bell on the door rings and McKay sees Sheppard look up at him from the booth. He has no idea what he's going to say. He feels short of breath as he walks forward to take a seat on the other side.

"You're... real." Sheppard stares at him.

"Yeah." McKay exhales, "I knew you were coming out... but I had to..."

He looks down at the table nervously, "I had to know, so I asked Rodney to let me... to link with him so I could know why..." His eyes look back up to the man he has been chasing for so long, Sheppard looks different somehow, eager and afraid.

"Why, uh, you've been so important to me." he finishes.

"You know everything then?" Sheppard's eyes get wide, "...the same things that, uh..."

"Well, I have Rodney's, I mean Mere's, memories, yeah."

"Mere and Em." Sheppard nods.

"Yeah." Rodney feels like his chest is on fire and wonders what Mere will make of his brain patterns.

Sheppar-John reaches across the table and takes Rodney's hand, "Let's get out of here."

The scene changes; they are in a large hotel room above one of the casinos.

"Where are we?" Rodney asks.

"Just a place I stay sometimes." John drops his hand nervously and walks to the large window overlooking the city below.

Rodney follows him to the window, standing close.

"So, why did it matter?" John's face looks impassively out at the city below, "Did you figure out why I was important?"

"Why wouldn't you come back?" Rodney counters.

"I don't have anything to come back to." John says softly.

"You have me." Rodney offers shakily.

"But I'm not him. I'm not Em. You're not Mere are you?"

"I'm not the him. But, ah, I already felt something for you... long before Mere shared his memories with me. I just didn't know how to make sense of it." Rodney pauses, "Do you think I could ever mean something to you?"

John turns and looks at Rodney with tenderness, an expression he's never seen in those guarded eyes before. "You have... you've meant something... Mystery man who follows me and tells me strange stories I don't believe."

Reaching out his hand, John strokes Rodney's face familiarly, then pulls it away with a frown, "Sorry, I don't know why I did that."

Rodney feels his heart leap. He's never felt anything like this before. So emotional and raw, wanting so deeply. He reaches out and brushes his hand against John's stubble.

"I'm still not him." John closes his eyes as a look somewhere between pleasure and a wince crosses his face.

"But I want to know _you_." Rodney holds his shaking hand on John's jaw, "I only feel like I know you a little because of him... I don't really know what your life has been like... I mean, mine, mine has been nothing like Mere's."

"Nothing at all?" John reaches up to take Rodney's hand in his. He threads his fingers through Rodney's the way Em does with Mere. Rodney slowly weaves his fingers back through John's. God, It feels amazing.

"No. Really nothing at all." Rodney blinks up at John full of wonder, "There was no you. You're like Bedford Falls, I mean like, James Stewart in 'It's A Wonderful Life'. I never knew what I was missing, but everything is empty without you.

None of those terrible things happened but none of the good things either. Now that I've seen my life both ways, I, I need- I want..." Rodney falters looking to John for reassurance.

The expression is soft and open, and somehow amused at the same time; John asks, "So, you're Donna Reed?"

Rodney smiles in embarrassment and looks down. John's long arm snakes around his waist and pulls him close.

"Oh... That feels right." John lets out a shaky breath.

"Uh, it does." Rodney's own breath catches and he squeezes John's hand.

Feeling everything that's never passed between them like it already has, Rodney wants him so much. "I know I'm not Mere. But I think we fit together, the way they do. I think we have our own story, and, and that's the reason I never returned to Atlantis. You were important because somehow I knew you... I needed to know you."

"I'm no hero." John's face draws in with sadness, "I'm not George Bailey. I'm just... I'm not."

"It doesn't matter." Rodney wraps his arms around John and pulls him in as hard as he can.

John flinches a little but doesn't pull away.

Rodney continues, "I'm happier right now than I've ever been in my life. Do you, could you feel anything like that?"

"Yes..." John sighs and reaches up to pet Rodney's soft brown hair, "I feel it all. I don't ever want to let you go."

Then John relaxes, his body moves into Rodney's curves and stoops slightly to let his chin rest on Rodney's shoulder.

"Then don't" Rodney whispers into John's chest.

"Rodney." John lifts his head suddenly to hold Rodney's face in his hands, his eyes are full of longing and desire.

A rush of lightheaded tingling washes over Rodney's entire body as John's green eyes draw him in.

Leaning down, John touches his lips lightly onto Rodney's mouth. He hesitates.

"Just _kiss_ me." Rodney commands.

John's full lips press sweetly into his, they are soft and pouty, just the way Mere remembered them; they fit his perfectly.

Rodney moans and runs his fingers through the back of John's hair to pull him in for more.

He can feel John trembling as his tongue licks the crease of Rodney's lips; he presses his mouth more firmly. The tongue licks at the part again and Rodney lets John lap at the sensitive insides. He opens his mouth further and the tip of his tongue brushes against John's.

Groaning with desire, John crushes Rodney into him, thrusting and curling around Rodney's receptive tongue. Oh God, he feels so possessed and taken by John's raw sexual strength, it's intoxicating. His whole body is vibrating, like a current of pleasant pins and needles running through him.

"God! Is this real?" John suddenly pulls back, staring at him.

"I think so." Rodney feels weak and lightheaded.

His knees wobble but John's strong arms hold him steady, "You okay?"

"Yeah... uh, I... you're just really..." Rodney trembles and trails off at the sight of John's handsome face; all the words float out of his mind, he can't think at all.

A smile starts in the corner of John's eyes and warms his face. His arms squeeze Rodney tight, then he pulls him playfully, "This way."

Rodney stumbles as John pulls him toward the bed. John sits on the edge and tugs gently on Rodney's arms to join him.

Sitting down and reaching to untie his shoes, John tells him. "You can just imagine them off."

"Oh." Rodney flushes thinking about what else he could imagine off. "Are we?..."

"How about we just start with shoes." John's warm hand rubs the smooth white fabric of Rodney's dress shirt.

When Rodney glances up, John's attire has changed. He is wearing loose black cotton pants and a soft looking long black T-shirt. It looks comfortable, and Rodney closes his eyes, imagining one of Mere's blue long sleeved shirts and a pair of boxers.

"Your eyes are darker." John peers at Rodney's face then folds his legs up onto the bed and sits behind him. His long arms reach around Rodney's chest, "but blue still looks good on you."

Rodney leans back into him and closes his eyes to the familiar sensation of John's hands on his chest.

"So, you still think you know everything about me?" John leans his face into Rodney's neck.

"Mmm..." Rodney whimpers in pleasure and John's fingers trail under his shirt, "No, obviously not. No."

"And if you're nothing like Mere, then I know even less about you."

"What do you _want_ to know?" Rodney asks.

"Hmm... Let's see... favorite superhero?"

"Batman, of course"

"Mmm. Of course." John kisses the hollow of Rodney's neck, "And would you say you're more or less arrogant than Mere?"

"Uh, honestly..." Rodney pauses, "More, probably. Did you pass the Mensa test?"

"Once upon a time."

Rodney smiles. Good, that's hot. Intelligence turns him on.

"You know how to fire a weapon?" John asks.

"Of course." Everyone on Atlantis had to be trained; life there had been dangerous and grim.

"That's hot." John murmurs. Brushing his lips across Rodney's neck. "Are you deathly allergic to citrus, bees, and everything else?"

"No allergies to speak of."

"Really?" John nuzzles him playfully.

No, nothing I can think of. Not hypoglycemic either."

"You any good at chess?"

"Better than you, I'm willing to bet." he challenges.

John laughs and pulls Rodney backwards onto the bed with him, "Come up here with me."

Rodney awkwardly scoots himself up to lay down on the pillows at the head of the bed as John reaches for his hand and gazes at him intimately.

"Favorite movie?"

Rodney's heart beats impossibly fast and his breath is short as John threads his fingers through his again.

"Solaris." He answers softly.

"So, you _are_ a romantic." John's eyes sparkle in a way he's never seen on his stoic face before.

Never being one to take big risks, Rodney bites his lip feeling incredibly vulnerable. But John makes him want to risk everything. He inches forward so that he is lying with his face just next to John's.

"Yes." He kisses John deeply, sweetly.

"I knew you had to be, because you..." John cradles Rodney's face, tracing his finger along the edge of his cheekbone. "You came back for me."

"Yes."

"Then maybe you're the future, the destiny he keeps talking about." John says with a pensive expression.

"Who?"

"The Wraith in the cell, the one that always knows my name..."

Rodney kisses John again. Oh... Even the Aqua Velva smells real.

John moves his mouth down to kiss Rodney's neck, then pulls lightly on the edge of his shirt to graze his lips across the collarbone. Rodney sinks his hands into John's luminous mane, enjoying the satisfying feeling of gripping it in his hands.

"So, what happens now?" John purrs.

"Anything we want to. We could work here probably, I mean, you have the Ancient gene... But I don't know, I don't need to stay. We could go to Alaska for all I care."

"You'd quit your job?" John sounds surprised, "Run away with me?"

Rodney rakes his fingers through John's thick hair, "I'll go anywhere with you, as long as you stop running away from me."

Holding Rodney's head in his hands, John pulls back just enough to gaze into Rodney's eyes again.

"No. No more running. You were always my destination." Then he leans down to reward Rodney with a passionate kiss.

All these references, they aren't their stories, not yet. But Rodney has been yearning for John, waiting for him for so long, even if he didn't know exactly why.

He remembers being Mere, wishing up at the stars, loving Em but thinking he wasn't good enough, believing that he was never meant to be Em's destination.

He's never been so happy to be so wrong.

.  
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* * *

.  
.

"Hmm, "Rodney taps his fingers on the console readings.

From the nearby stool, John lazily lifts his chin up, "What?"

"Just..." Rodney makes his way over to the other pod and examines the readings there as well, "It's just, they're both experiencing a tremendous amount of...

Oh." Rodney flushes, "Never mind. Nothing to worry about."

"Tremendous, huh?" John straightens his slouch with more interest.

Rodney smiles at him. "I think we can safely assume they made contact."

John gives one of his easy grins; walking over to Rodney, he affectionately squeezes his ass from behind, "Then I imagine we'll be waiting a while longer?"

"Probably..." Rodney leans his back into John for a beat, then turns, his eyes flashing with desire, "I wonder..."

"What?"

"Just wondering what it would be like to fuck you while connected through those stones."

"I think at some point," John grips Rodney's ass more firmly this time, pressing hard against him, "it would be scientifically prudent to find out."

.  
.

When the pods open, John and Rodney help Sheppard get to his feet.

He's a bit weak and wobbly, having not been on his legs for some time, "Do you have any idea how weird this is?" Sheppard stares at their faces.

McKay rushes to his side, "I think they do. Let's get you to my quarters where you can rest."

Locking eyes with his protector Sheppard smiles as he slings his arm over McKay's shoulder "Lead the way."

Later, John and Rodney meet up with McKay in the cafeteria and ask about Sheppard's condition.

"Medically he's clear, he just needs to get his strength back. I brought him dinner already and I'll be back to check in on him after this."

"You two... you have a connection." Rodney speaks bluntly, "You're like _us_ I think."

"I don't know, we'll see." McKay blushes, "You guys are like, married right?"

"Over a year." John states proudly.

"It's a little overwhelming." McKay's usual arrogance has dropped away, "Any words of wisdom?" He searches their faces for a sincere answer.

John starts to speak but Rodney cuts him off, "Sure, only we'd like to ask a favor in return."

"What kind of favor?" McKay's eyes narrow.

"The stones" Rodney explains, "If we could try them... for scientific purposes..."

"Scientific purposes?" McKay laughs, "And in return..."

"Words of wisdom." Rodney leans forward mischievously, "He wants to be with you, just be patient with him."

"He's been alone a while," John adds, "if he seems distant or shut down, he's just not used to being close to people. He'll come around. You're the best thing that's ever happened to him; he'll figure that out."

McKay's smiles sheepishly, "We seemed pretty close earlier."

"Good." Rodney gives a lopsided grin, "Then maybe it won't take you guys years to get there. Just... don't leave things unsaid, don't let too much time go by."

"Take care of each other." John slides his hand over Rodney's, "You can get through to him in a way no one else can."

"The same is true for you," Rodney squeezes John's hand, "His love will change your life."

"You can't know that he loves me." McKay seems taken aback.

"Oh, he does." John answers quickly, "Even if he can't admit to himself yet, trust me, he does."

"Okay," McKay's face lights up, "later tonight I'll take the machine from inventory. I'll teach you how to use the stones, reset them and turn them off. But the minute I say they need to go back into storage, you hand them back over. Agreed?"

They both nod happily.

.

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	141. Nothing left unknown between them

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Later that night, John sits with Rodney bare and cross-legged on their large bed with the machine between them, he exhales, "You sure-"

"Yeah." Rodney's voice hitches with excitement, "You?"

A smile slowly spreads across John's features, "Definitely."

"No more secrets between us", Rodney's eyes seem to be teasing him, "Are you sure you want me to know... everything?"

"Think you'll still love me?" John reaches a palm across the blanket, tenderly taking Rodney's hand in his.

"Always. Husband." Rodney leans over the circular device, his lips gently brushing on John's mouth. "Always."

John swallows at the pleasant rising warmth in his chest, an ease of radiating trust and desire. There is a measure of control the user retains over how deep the link plummets into the soul. Mere is the only person he'd let seep into every crack of his spirit. Unafraid, he is craving it now, the need to share everything of himself, give every last drop.

His long fingers trace the angles on the face of the man who has fascinated and captivated him all these years... Lush and slow, he kisses the lips of the person he is closest to. No matter how perfect they are, he's always wanting, needing to give more to the love of his life .

"Mere, I could only love you more."

The look in Rodney's eyes tells John he understands completely. He melts into the seductive caress John pulls him into.

When he hears the sound of his husband taking one of the stones from a shallow cradle in the machine, John leans back in wonder at the dazzling blue of Rodney's eyes.

"Your turn." Rodney bites his lip in anticipation.

John's gaze flits to the stone remaining in one of the slots. He breathes out slowly and inches his fingers toward the device. His lashes flutter up at Rodney, with longing and just a hint of insecurity teasing at his emotions. His hand wavers over the stone.

Reaching up to cup John's jaw, Rodney's eyes exude unconditional love and acceptance. He looks like he is just about to say something when John's hand drops down.

They both inhale sharply as the rush floods through them. It feels like they are breathing in unison. It feels like slivers of hot and cold racing through his brain, filling in copies of memories. Some new, some overlays, two sets of the same experiences. Memories of Rodney's life.

Sliding over the smooth of Rodney's skin, he holds his face in his hands, _'Oh Mere. Mere, you're so beautiful, so...'_ His breath sucks in with the burst of joy Rodney is feeling.

He wants to wind through every lost moment, hold Rodney through every hurt he's ever felt... Those cold winters, wind whipping around his chapped childhood cheeks. Dreading the walk to school, staring at dreary icicles along the way, wishing he could disappear from the daily humiliations of being 4 years younger than his classmates.

The harsh words of his father urge his footsteps on, "The road to genius is one of solitude, you were meant for better things than simpleminded friends. I won't hear you complain about the opportunities you've been given and I want to see those finished equations."

Much like John's early life, Rodney's childhood is defined by a lack of care or affection.

"Yes, sir," Rodney answers the dry commands.

The chill clung to his bones like a distant refrain from the piano. The music always understood the emotion, he could feel his sorrow falling on the ivory keys as he touched them. But his parents decided it was a distraction, insisting Rodney focus his mind on mathematical problems instead.

His music was too precise anyway, too methodical. But when they took the piano away, Rodney lost a part of himself. He mourned the missing piece. And when he needed to, he still played the keys in his mind to hear the haunting melodies that unlocked his forgotten story... the one of loneliness that was always with him... as he was overlooked; scorned and spurned, mocked and unwanted.

Retreating to his mind, Rodney got used to people making him feel weak. But in the clarity of equations he found the beauty of the cosmos revealed, spinning around him; it helped take away some of the bitter cold.

Eventually he learned to find his own voice, bragging loudly to whoever would listen. At least he wasn't completely unnoticed then; he might have been terrible with people, but he was a genius with physics.

By the time Alex found him, he'd been alone so long trying to compensate for his crippling insecurity and self-doubt... He was desperate to believe that someone really could care for him. Vulnerable, needy, and so hungry for human contact.

These failings gave Alex the upper hand, fed his ability to prey on him, inflict humiliation, and fill Rodney with self-loathing and a new despair unlike anything he'd ever known before. And as time went by, he was filled with a sincere desire to end it all by ceasing to exist at all.

Too much of a coward to attempt suicide, he kept going. But once Alex abandoned him too, he vowed never to risk letting anyone in again. He would seek solace in the work as he always had, alone. Pain didn't matter where he could escape in his mind. And that was where he retreated, to that perfect world, through the folds in space time that no one else could see.

John understands it now too, he can bend his mind with Rodney's and move... the dimensions, the wormhole theories, all of it. ...things he couldn't comprehend suddenly illuminated. Seeing the universe so completely, he understands Rodney's disconnection to the world around him and his preoccupation with things that seem more precise and meaningful.

But then, only 6 months later Rodney is suddenly brought back, crashing down into the harsh, bare sensations of everyday life. Blinded by the snow and the haunting face of John Sheppard.

Despite himself, he succumbs to the pitiful longing of human emotions. Vowing to escape, he never breaks free of John's hold on him. And eventually he loses all will to do so. He nurses the fragile hope, no matter how often it is crushed that John will come to care for him again. Pitifully longing to be loved in return, he dreams of John's arms around him, wanting him as deeply.

And then the warmth of their friendship begins to mend his fractured heart. It isn't everything he wished for, but it is enough. As long as John is happy with him and has a place for him in his life.

John feels Rodney's face tremble with the vulnerability of his emotions exposed. Everything he's always told John was true, about his absolute power over him. If John had reached out, just the smallest bit, Rodney truly would have given him everything.

Delicately stroking the face of his beloved, John closes his mouth over Rodney's lips. He knows Rodney can hear his thoughts; more than that, he takes in the warmth of John's heart bursting with more love than he's ever known how to express with words.

Regret seeps through John's every pore, wishing he'd held Rodney sooner, made him safe and taken away the sadness. All of it, all the way back to childhood and those sad strains of piano music.

He wants to protect him - the way Rodney did for him the night after the siege. It hadn't been a dream, he knows that now. He can feel Rodney holding him, guarding over him for hours; so cautious not to cross any kind of line, but too protective to leave until he was sure John wasn't hurting anymore.

They were always meant to be together. It was John's fault, his failings that held him back and kept him from finding Rodney sooner. He could have saved him from all this if he hadn't been so damaged and empty. Why did it take him so fucking long? All those years together on Atlantis, they could have been happy. He could have made Rodney happy.

 _'Stop'._ Rodney pushes the thought into his mind. _'You made me happy.'_ He tumbles a rush of images and emotions through John.

The seed of home and belonging that John planted in him, his happiness growing as their friendship deepened. The wonder and astonishment of discovering John's heart as it slowly opened.

Despite feeling inadequate and afraid of being exposed, Rodney kept pressing forward to reach the warmth of John's soul.

And when he'd been swallowed by darkness, lost all will to go on, he'd trusted John enough to tend to his broken body and spirit. Letting himself surrender and be taken care of, completely at John's mercy.

Clawing his way back to life was excruciating but John carried him most of the way. John swallows back the tears in disbelief at the immense trust he didn't deserve, the realization that Rodney's life really was in his hands. _'At least that's one time I didn't fail you.'_

 _'You think you fail everyone.'_ Rodney admonishes him, _'You were always enough.'_

Rodney shows John the explosion of happiness that sent him soaring beyond anything he could have ever imagined. The love between them growing brighter and more brilliant every day, filling his heart many times over what he is capable of retaining.

The joy is indescribable. Now John is the one trembling, ebullient and lightheaded with boundless pride that he could effect Rodney this way.

 _'Oh, my love.'_ His hands shake on the side of Rodney's face as he dips his head to Rodney's brow. _'My love.'_

Soft hands trace the sides of John's face as Rodney returns the tenderness. Then his palm slides down John's long neck, pressing over his heart. He feels the beat pulsing, he belongs to Rodney completely.

 _'And my heart belongs to you.'_ Rodney's thought radiates into the pulse and runs through his veins.

To Rodney, John is a furnace of passion, burning through all the walls or chains that ever tried to contain him; stronger than he ever realized.

Rodney's hands are John's now, in a far distant past with bloodied fingers, feverish and sticky. Red covers the bathroom floor, seeping into his chest as he holds his mother's body to him, wailing and begging for her to come back. It feels like he is bleeding out, the way she is.

Mom always said her heart belonged to him, that she loved him more than Dave or Dad, it was supposed to be their secret. But it wasn't really true if she would leave like this. He just wasn't enough... not enough, he'd failed her.

John's father comes into the room and rips him away from her, "Are you stupid? Call 911! Don't just sit there crying and being useless."

He backs away from the image of his father shaking his mother's body, "Melinda goddamnit! Wake up! Melinda!"

Racing to the phone, the blood on his hands causes it to slip to the floor at first. He dials and pleads with them to come as fast as they can.

They take her away but she never comes home from that ambulance ride; he is lost without her. Reaching for Dave's door, John sobs, "Please Dave. I'm scared. I don't wanna be alone."

The door always shuts in his face, casting him adrift. Dave doesn't care and John knows better than to ask his father for anything. No one wants him anymore, not even Mom. He has to learn to hide his weakness, to try to be the kind of man his father wants him to be, to be like his brother.

The dark hallways of the mansion stretch on forever and John hides in the garden where no one will blame him for crying.

The ghost of Rodney's presence is there with him in the memory. He folds around young John, holding him while he cries. He reaches into the dark crevices of John's mind, to this place where it all began, where the shadows and fears still linger. He forces himself into the empty place, filling the cracks with his love instead. John reaches for it, the forgiveness he's always sought as peace begins to take the place of loss.

Rodney can't help but feel contempt for the way Patrick Sheppard treated his son. Berating him, beating him, making him slave for the family business. He aches for John, the John who couldn't stop himself from caring, desperately trying to earn his father's approval.

With time John hides deeper and deeper into the walls he builds around himself, finding his only freedom in the air. The pain all seems to float away when he's soaring high above the clouds.

Too many years stretched out in front of him like a prison sentence, but a fire still burned in John's chest, it kept him fighting. And then it began to come to life again in his friendship with Tyler.

Smiling at the memory of what they shared, Rodney wishes he'd known John then; those two had been inseparable, like brothers, like the brother John never had. But there was much more between them than that. John didn't really understand it yet as they explored it; it all unraveled, imploded on him before he ever had a chance to.

Burned by the fire, charred to a cinder, smoking ruins of self-hatred are pounded into his body when they attack him at school. Then again seared into his flesh when his own father beats him for his sin.

The look, that look... he'll never forget the hatred in his father's eyes. The rejection, complete and absolute.

He was truly alone then, without any family. He steeled himself to the stark reality, his new life as a soldier. Soldiers are real men, not faggots. Soldiers don't feel, they just follow orders.

Again, the years stretch out in front of him like another sentence to be endured. There were few encounters with anonymous men in the military, more with women; but those affairs were almost as short lived.

Then someone managed to press against his inpenatrable wall. Nancy made John want to hope again, to believe he could let himself feel without the searing pain. He reached for the small ray of hope in his dim world though he knew he was broken, and not nearly enough. When he promised her he would change and learn to open up, he meant it. Just, he couldn't find his way back out; he tried... but his own heart had become the prison by then.

The shame and self-loathing that John clings to over the failure of that relationship is suffocating; Rodney breathes his thoughts into John's mind _'You are forgiven, my love. For everything that was broken. You aren't broken anymore.'_

 _'No. I'm not.'_ John curls his fingers into Rodney's hair and buries his face into his neck, _'I didn't deserve you, but you healed me anyway.'_

He holds John's mind protectively as they wander through the memories of Afghanistan, as he finds his way again with a band of brothers in the Air Force. They become the family he never had and John watches over them.

When Mitch and Dex are lost, John believes himself responsible for failing to be there with them on that mission. He'd have broken completely without Lyle.

And after Lyle dies in his arms, the last of John's spirit gives out. He'll never let anything reach him again.

Not caring if he lived or died, not even the torture inflicted on him after being captured by the Taliban mattered; as if he thought he deserved it. Lost to oblivion. Lost in the heavy drifts of snow and empty solitude of Antartica.

Rodney winces, realizing for the first time just how damaged John was when he first met him. The sorrow hollowed out his bones, the ache followed him everywhere. John had just become so accustomed to it, he called it numbness. He was little more than a walking corpse after losing Lyle and enduring what the Taliban did to him.

 _'My lost soldier, it was unbearable.'_ Rodney nestles closer into John, petting his fingers through his luminous, dark hair.

 _'I don't think I was conscious enough to even register any of it'_ John realizes.

 _'You were so broken when you met me. I wish I'd understood, wish I could have reached you and loved you then.'_

 _'I didn't know how to be loved yet, I needed you to teach me that... I would have stayed broken without you. But when I saw you...'_

Rodney sees himself through John's eyes when they met in Antartica. As he was then... The large shining blue eyes, the orange fleece jacket setting them off. His face so angular and beautiful, strong, slightly arrogant and proud. The hands gesticulating, the skin shining smooth.

John's mind undresses McKay as he stands in front of the chair... flushing with deep desire. He has to have this man. It's wrong; he knows it's wrong to want another man this way. But something about McKay... God, McKay.

Shame and self-loathing tortures John after they have sex, greater than any shame Rodney's ever felt himself. John runs from him afterward, swearing never to do it again. But the following night, he lays in bed tossing and turning, wanting to go to him again, wanting him so much. Trying to drink himself to sleep, the alcohol only fuels the fire he doesn't know how to control.

Drunk and terrified, John finds himself returning to a man he desires for the first time in his life. And it's good, so good. Only once it's over, the self-hatred crushes him again. He can't face McKay. He has to go, to hide himself away and stumbles out of the room in a drunken haze.

But John summons a little more courage each time they sleep together. When he presses his hand against McKay's back or hugs his chest tight, he tries to transmit something of what he's feeling. It's all so unfamiliar, he doesn't have the words, but he needs to share the life he can feel returning to his heart, he needs McKay to know how much it means.

These had always seemed like cold gestures to Rodney, strange and disconnected after being so intimate. It always hurt that John would leave so abruptly. Rodney's eyes water as he realizes how much of himself John was actually trying to give.

Each time they were together, John felt himself drawing closer, trying to nurture the connection, wanting this man who made him feel so much.

 _'So I wasn't crazy, you were falling for me too'_ Rodney sighs into the memory, as he recognizes the stilted emotions John couldn't name.

 _'Yeah.'_ John shudders against him.

Lifting John's chin, he kisses him gently, _'I like knowing you felt something for me then too.'_

John kisses back until they are lost in each other, _'So much, I've always felt SO much for you, Mere."_

He sees the memory of John returning for him in the shower, the vivid emotions, messy and unplanned, but with the intent to share them somehow...

Until he sees Rodney on the floor, sobbing. An image that will haunt him for years to come, like that day when he found his mother. John tells himself this is wrong, he is hurting McKay, causing him pain. All he wanted was to be close to him... God, he can never let himself do this again.

John feels the memory from Rodney's point of view, the flashbacks of Alex he is trying to keep at bay, longing for John and suffering because he thinks he doesn't care.

 _'I'm so sorry I ran.'_ John's mouth pulls into a grimace, ' _I could have saved us so much-'_

 _'Maybe you were right. Maybe we had to go through all this together. To get close enough, to really reach each other.'_

 _'_ Rodney sifts through the early years of Atlantis, confirming John's conflicted emotions. He'd always wanted it, no matter how much he tried to run. There was always a burning desire as John wrestled with himself, even when he was fighting it, struggling to keep himself away. He wanted Rodney. He needed to be close to him, to draw him into his world the way Rodney had with him.

Seeing John jump away when Chaya tries to kiss him, Rodney is surprised. It's almost exactly how he acted when Rodney tried to kiss him. The internalized homophobia isn't there, but it's the same fear of closeness, the fear of being consumed by the fire within.

Chaya is gentle with him, pulling him back in. None of it was meant to spite Rodney or hurt him; John just wanted to escape the part of himself that he was so ashamed of.

Then Chaya shows him everything in the blending, the twisted, convoluted emotional mess John never planned to deal with.

She sees it with compassion and no judgment, "Rodney... He is important to you."

And in that moment, John lets himself surrender to the truth, "Yes."

The jealousy Rodney once felt over Chaya melts away as he realizes she was the instrument who helped John start to find his way back to him.

It shocks him that John ever thought himself lacking a heart. He may have hidden it away, but it was always burning hot... an acute ache of intensity for Rodney that couldn't be sated.

He fights uselessly against the desire until all he can do is surrender, admitting to himself that he's been in love with this man for years. He's about to tell Rodney the truth but instead his heart breaks with the realization that it's too late, consumed by anguish over the lost and wasted moments he can never recapture; the chances he never deserved to begin with.

He sees John crying and holding him as Rodney collapses unconscious and dying, "I was going to tell you earlier but I'm not good... I love you Rodney. I can't say goodbye... but I can tell you that I love you... that I've loved you for some time now. I always will."

 _'So that's where that familiar and haunting phrase came from...'_

Through John's eyes, he watches himself die, as John fearfully breaks down trying to contain his emotions in the room full of people. Clenching his jaw and fighting back the tears.

The tragedy of John's words spoken in haste to hide the truth from the others... Rodney took them as a final sentence that his love for John would never be returned just as John was summoning the courage to share his heart.

John shrinks back into himself as Rodney begins dating Katie, firmly believing that Rodney deserves more than he can offer... He endures years of agony, trying to cope with being in love with a man who once cared for him, but who has now rightfully moved on. A man he never deserved.

And he would never do anything to disrupt Rodney's happiness, only protect it. But being so close, the pain is excruciating -especially once he has let go of his fears about being with another man. He knows he could truly love Rodney without holding back, but believes he would never be enough. What Rodney wants are things he can't give, a normal life with kids and marriage.

Then comes the added torture of watching Rodney fall in love with Jennifer. It's more than he can bear. Thinking Rodney has found his true happiness and doesn't need John anymore, he tells himself Rodney will come to accept John's absence and eventually forget him completely.

Even though John will never stop needing Rodney, all he hopes for is to somehow survive living without him.

.

,


	142. That your eyes might be shining for me

.  
.

They cling to each other, knowing the terrible memories that follow, neither of them try to stop it, just holding each other as they relieve the experiences from each other perspectives. John feels Rodney's horrific abuse… and Rodney as John, screaming and pleading at the bars trying to save the man he loves. Hating himself for failing and trying so hard to protect him carefully after that, tending to him every moment, slowly convincing him to come back to life.

Rodney now knows how each of the men dies; he feels the satisfaction John wrests from the vengeance. And Rodney wrests his own satisfaction from the details of their demise. They've never talked about, not since the day John told him. And it feels good to have it all known. Even then, just knowing that he was loved that much, that John would seek vengeance and kill for him, gave Rodney the courage to face life again.

Realizing the effect his efforts had on Rodney, John experiences a sense of triumph that something he did made it better. And he can feel the fragile vulnerability of Rodney in the past as he timidly exposes his heart, telling John he loves him and admitting how much he needs him. Even though Rodney is so terrified that he will left alone again. But John doesn't leave, he takes him and never lets him go.

 _'You healed me, Em.'_

Rodney shares the exquisite happiness he felt when he realized John was never leaving again, proving his commitment by marrying him, building him a home, and gathering all their loved ones around him. And he fully understands now the true devotion of the endeavor, how John's heart still aches to be enough for Rodney.

The Maison is his Taj Majal. Rodney had known the endeavor was epic, but to see all the work that went into it... and yet while building it, John's heart was filled with fear that Rodney would reject him. Fearing that his love is as flimsy as a 'paper ring'. Fearing he would lose him but daring to try to win him anyway.

It had to be grand enough. A 7 pillared worthy house... the number of tiered pillars supporting the Maison corresponding with the poem by T. E. Lawrence.

The poem is so passionate and melancholy... Written by a British WWI soldier who was inspired to champion the Arab revolt for his love, Dahoum. John had expected, in some way, to lose Rodney in the end, no matter how hard he fought. Much like Lawrence, who discovered, after a final victory in Damascus, that he had lost Dahoum to Typhus fever.

Why hasn't John ever shared this with him before?

 _'It's a complex story, I was waiting for the right moment to try to explain it all to you, in some romantic notion.'_

Now Rodney sees the entirety in John's mind.

 _I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands_  
 _and wrote my will across the sky in stars_  
 _To earn you freedom, the seven-pillared worthy house,_  
 _that your eyes might be shining for me_  
 _When we came._

 _'It's the sweetest, saddest, love poem I've ever heard... beautiful...'_ Rodney sees himself through John's mind. To John, Rodney's eyes tell the story of everything, his shining, beautiful eyes. John can't bear to see them burdened by pain... and when they shine for John... his life is complete.

The love John has for him is so boundless, sprawling and expansive. The kind that kingdoms are lost and won over, the kind that will either consume the body in torment or lift it up to soar above the rest of mere mortals.

 _'It's so beautiful...'_ Rodney marvels.

Everything is beautiful. There are nothing but explosions of happy memories now, swells of the passion shared between them, an unending joy that has never stopped... Except for those dreadful months when Rodney thought John was dead.

 _'You stayed to die with me'_ John understands.

 _'I want to be with you always. Those were our vows. Death shall have no dominion.'_

 _'You didn't really think you'd find me. You thought I was dead. What were you looking for, Mere, my ghost?'_

 _'I don't know. Whatever I could find.'_

John recalls Rodney's memories as he cries over John's 'grave'.

Rodney feels embarrassed. He should have known John was alive, he should have searched harder, he could have found him sooner-

 _'You thought I was dead and you still came back for me. Only you would love me enough to chase me after death.'_ John kisses him tenderly, his chest is burning, alive with passion and pleasure. It feels so good to be known, known everywhere, every aspect of his being. It all belongs to Rodney now.

Squeezing his arms more tightly around John's back, Rodney shares his thoughts. He sees himself through John's eyes now. He is so relaxed, so unfettered by his past fears and insecurities. The heat from John's heart burns bright, purifying any lingering doubts.

They have all been seen and blown away, like ashes scattered by John's blazing fire.  
John who is always larger than life, stronger and faster, braver than any man has a right to be. So fierce and loyal, always protecting Rodney. The passion burns so deep; Rodney is engulfed by the flames, the pyre of John's eternal love.

 _'Oh Mere, you and your superhero visions. I've never been that brilliant, it's only you that ever saw me that way.'_

When John looks at Rodney he sees a jewel of cool ice and angular chiseled bones, refined and ridiculous all at once, a man of arguments contradictions, mental clarity, genius and sharp wit, fascinating and alluring... and sexy, always so sexy. Even when Rodney himself was so oblivious to it.

Rodney was always so oblivious. Like the time he looked around the empty simulation of John's mind, "Huh. I always figured there'd be more hot chicks?"

 _'Only you, Rodney'_ John had thought.

So often Rodney said those oblivious things that drove him wild. Dancing along the periphery of Rodney's memories, he draws up a few choice moments to point out. John laughs a little as he remembers the time Rodney said this line.

 _'Let's see how far we can jack this up and penetrate.'_

"Penetrate?" John had blinked and stared out the Jumper window. But Rodney just kept his elegant nose buried in his calculations.

As John recalls another moment, Rodney laughs.

 _'Shaft needs a brushing lube.'_

 _'Oh, like I was the only one.'_ Rodney is amused, _'You did that kind of stuff all the time. Remember that containment vessel, you were saying we needed a bigger one?'_

 _'No, no.'_ John reminds him, _'You started it. You said 'Size doesn't matter'. How was I supposed to respond to that?'_

He smiles at the image of Rodney on the other side of the com, choking on his food as John quips, _"That's a myth."_

His chest floods with warmth knowing Rodney was thinking about John's huge cock when Rodney replied, _"It'll fit"_

 _'What did you say?'_ John thinks _'Something about how it would fit, I just had to get it all the way in?'_

 _'All the way in... So. Much. Homoerotic Tension.'_ Rodney laughs, _'How did we ever manage to keep our hands off of each other?'_

John's skin ripples with goosebumps, he can feel the hair stand on Rodney arms too. It is like a ricochet. Everything he feels, Rodney feels, comes rebounding to him in a physical and emotional current. They kiss in perfect movement, each sensing where the other is moving, the level of ardor, or sweetness, a sublime union of spirit.

Somewhere on the back of John's mind hears the echo of the passing thought, _'Penetrate.'_

He feels Rodney laughing again with his lips on John's neck, thinking, _'You wanted me to jack you up... and see how far you could penetrate?'_

He worships Rodney's face and neck, thinking, _'Yes, please... And then plug it into the right slot.'_

 _'I can see your mind was really on that mission'_

 _'I tried, I really tried, you never made it easy on me. Telling me to land the craft by kissing the surface.'_

 _'Well, there's plenty of kissing now'_ Rodney takes John's mouth deeply in his.

 _'Everything is known now, I can barely feel where you begin and where I end'_ John wraps his body around Rodney's completely, pushing the machine now off to the side. He has never felt more complete, or connected.

 _'It doesn't matter.'_ Rodney reminds him, _'Everything we've ever done is forgiven.'_

Pressing his hands lightly against Rodney's palms, John thinks, _'You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen... you're even more exquisite that I knew you were.'_

He feels the emotion radiation back at him from Rodney; no words are needed to share how deeply he returns the feeling.

Every touch that sparks between them sends a reverberations waving back forth, between the sensation of touching and being touched...

Even the smallest thing feels incredible, Rodney wants to lightly drift his fingers over John's skin, he wants to grab him and curl up so far inside him that their minds will always be one. Nothing has ever felt like this before, not even... well there was that one time he did ecstasy with a girl in college –Wait that was John. _'You did drugs?'_

 _'Don't freak out, Mere.'_ John smiles and ghosts his finger slowly back over Rodney's.

 _'I'm not. I did drugs once, too.'_

 _'I think whatever it was you smoked in college, well, it was probably a bad reaction to oregano, nothing more.'_

Remembering the handful of times John smoked weed in high school, Rodney realizes he right _'Yeah, if that's what being stoned feels like, it probably was oregano.'_

 _'But you got me beat with the Wraith enzyme doze –that was pretty crazy.'_

 _'That was when I made you mine, huh? I claimed you?'_ Rodney leans forward slowly biting down John's shoulder.

John furls his body into Rodney wrapping his arms and legs around him, aching to feel as close as he can physically be. John's hands move effortlessly knowing what Rodney desires, knowing what it will make him feel.

When their lips begin to touch again, it is electric. The meaty, soft flesh licking and sucking together, as if they are having one conversation. He has forgotten how to use words now, they are unnecessary. His thoughts and feelings are enough to penetrate the deepest levels.

 _'Let's see how far I can jack this thing up'._ Rodney hands brush over John's growing erection.

He laughs as Rodney rolls him onto his back, delighting everywhere his hands linger on his skin. Begging for more from his beautiful mouth. He craves these kisses that only his husband can make him feel. Rodney complies without question, thumbing John's lower lip, then lightly sucking on it before they perfectly curls their tongue together in unison.

All the while, Rodney's lowered hand caresses John's cock, so delicately but firm enough send his mind spinning. Rodney is exploring the sensations, cataloguing the favorite ones to use later to drive John mad.

His mouth explores further to taste John's hard cock and try out every technique he can think of. John's mind is cloudy but the thoughts drifts through his mind.

 _'Not fair, I want to try'_

 _'When I'm done'_ Rodney's thought tell him.

John doesn't ever want him to stop, he wants to stay in this place forever rippling in pleasure, forgetting everything else exists. Rodney sucks his ball, licks the shaft, teases the head.

He feels Rodney grip the firm rod, thinking, _'Turns out this thing can get pretty jacked up'._ Rodney holds it in his pulsing hand, bringing his delicious mouth back to John's hungry lips.

There is such desire burning through his chest, the lust, the need to take Rodney utterly, to possess him and claim him. God, his chest is beating so hard with pure animal instinct to take Rodney. His fingers curl into Rodney's flesh, and his bites his lower lip, not wanting to be too rough.

 _'You're not going to break me you know...'_ Rodney teases him, _'I want you to show me how far it can penetrate.'_

John groans in pleasure, he can feel Rodney wanting it as much as he does, he rolls Rodney onto his back, taking his arms in his and holding them over his head. God, he can't ever get enough of this man. His tongue makes contact with the smooth skin on Rodney's chest.

Ohhhh. God, he can feel the desire burning in him and the effect he is having on Rodney at the same time. He sucks on Rodney's nipple and his own chest ripples with flutters. He was planning to be rough, but the delicate pleasure of exploring how he makes his Rodney feel is too compelling.

Now he just wants to worship him, every aspect of him. John trails kisses up Rodney's neck. He can feel every pulse of blood quickening in husband's throat. John licks over the jugular vein, he grabs the back of Rodney's hair and pulls his mouth over his hungrily.

Taking in the amazing sensation as his bare skin washes over Rodney's, he smiles at the way it feels to Rodney when John's leg and chest hair tickles him. Rodney loves it when John presses his hard body into him. Grabbing at his flesh with mindless desire. Pushing and pulling him around, flipping his body around with such ease. He never realized just how much Rodney loved this.

The mental image of John kicking his knees out from under him and pushing Rodney down to that couch fills his mind. Rodney wants him to do that again. John pulls Rodney up by his shoulders and kisses him roughly.

Laughing and struggling to get away, Rodney moves to stand up. John gives him just enough space to throw his leg under Rodney's knees, throwing his body down on top of him and pinning him to the bed.

His fully jacked cock rubs into Rodney's, the pressure of his weight holds him down and his looks into Rodney's mesmerizing blue eyes with tenderness.

 _'Like this?'_ He thinks.

Rodney nods with a completely smitten look on his face. Now John feels Rodney wants to be loved. He can do that too. He's never loved anyone more.

He takes Rodney's lips softy, carefully, making every kiss last, savoring the incredible sensation of kissing and being kissed simultaneously. Feeling all the love that is Rodney's heart, each nuance of emotion as their tongues dance together.

For John, his thoughts and feelings are one blinding force, shouting gloriously over and over, _'I love you.'_

They toss and turn on the bed, trying to sate the unquenchable thirst they have for each other. Even now, with their bodies and minds as one, it is so maddeningly novel, twisted up in the sheets and in each other. Learning how much to push forward, how much to let go. It reminds John of learning to fly a plane.

For Rodney it is something more complex, like the fibers of their souls have knitted together into a beautifully gnarled tree, a tree that strums like an instrument or sails like a ship. Rodney's visuals are always more complex and compelling, just like Rodney himself.

Feeling Rodney's hand reaching for his cock again, the warmth spreads down John's legs as he senses Rodney's desire, the lust he has for John's huge-

It pains him to stop what Rodney is doing. It is strange to hear himself speaking out loud, "Mmm. No, it's my turn."

He smoothes Rodney back down into the sheets and returns first to sucking his nipples before working his lips down to the meaty cock he lusts for. He licks the pool of pre-cum collecting at the head and savors the taste. Why does Rodney always taste so good? Not too salty, a hint of sweetness, and a musk that drives him wild.

Memorizing all of Rodney's favorite sensations, John learns what every motion feels like to Rodney. Well, he already knows the favorites, but learning to fine tune it is another matter, like knowing when to bring in different musical sounds into a song, to create the combination of chords are perfect for each moment. Building the tempo up, the beat, at just the right pace, keeping Rodney under his thrall.

 _'I'm always under your thrall'_ He hears Rodney's thoughts a bubble up.

John's lips dance across the head with a smile then he lowers again, sucking that fat cock in his mouth, radiating with the pleasure it is giving his husband. His hands straddle Rodney's grinding hips, he loves the way they fit in his hands. He rocks them in time with his suction.

When he feels Rodney growing too close to the edge, he pulls back and reaches one of his hands toward to the machine, groping for the bottle of lube he remembers being nearby.

Rodney's hand grasps it instead, he has a better angle. It is weird how John can feel Rodney reading his thoughts, it feels like his own hand finding the bottle. When Rodney slips it in his palm, John wastes no time in slicking his stiff cock and coating it on his fingers.

He kisses Rodney's soft thighs as he plays with him, opening him up and stroking that favorite spot inside. Oh it aches so good. John can feel it every time he runs his fingers over it. He leans back in to take Rodney's cock in his mouth, savoring the taste and the diaspora of physical impressions that delight his body.

 _'Oh baby, You are so good. I love you. I love you. God, I love you.'_

 _'I love you, Em.'_ Rodney is gasping for air but his thoughts are clear, _'What you do to me... I'm so... Oh, God. I love you.'_

John's hand rocks inside Rodney and makes his hips gyrate. He can feel that Rodney is ready for real penetration.

 _'Oh, God. Mmm...show me how far you can penetrate.'_ Rodney taunts.

The passion in John's chest radiates out through his limbs and moans. He pulls a pillow from the top of the bed, grabs Rodney's legs and props the pillow under his ass.

His palm presses down on Rodney's chest, there is a current of love and connection that he knows Rodney can feel; he can feel the warmth, the protectiveness, and lust. _'Oh baby, I'm going to penetrate you'_ He pulls Rodney's legs up over his shoulders and smiles down at his husband.

 _'Make sure you plug it into the right slot.'_ Rodney smiles, quoting his old line form the past.

As his finger trails over Rodney's hole, John laughs, recalling what he once said, _'There's only on slot, Rodney.'_

He can feel Rodney thinking, _'Oh, God, give it to me. God, I love that huge cock. I can't wait, I love it so much.'_

Using his strength to pull Rodney up from the pillow, John holds Rodney's legs over his shoulder with one hand, guiding his thick cock into Rodney with the other.

The sensation of penetration is brilliantly blinding; Rodney's tight hole squeezes around John's head. As Rodney aches to be filled, he pushes further, deeper, even when it stretches Rodney a little painfully.

But it isn't too much. Rodney wants it so bad. And the angle is so good, reminding them both of that long ago night they shared together, when they felt so close in Antarctica, but neither of them could admit it.

John slides in, rotating his hips to burrow deeper. _'I'll probably never be completely sure of the moment I really fell in love with you. There have been so many levels and layers over the years... But that night in Antarctica... That might have been when I lost my heart to you, Mere.'_

 _'I loved you too, that night... so much.'_ Rodney's palm curls over John's hand on his chest, pressing it harder into his heart.

 _'Only this time, the ending will be different.'_ John's chest is on fire and he drives his cock all the way in, causing Rodney to take short breaths of shock as he adjusts to the pressure and intensity. He leans over Rodney, still holding his legs up and kissing him fully on the mouth.

Now Rodney's thoughts are chaotic. Mostly just _'Oh, God. Oh God.'_ But he follows John's guiding hands to keep his legs folded over John's shoulders, allowing John to support himself as he leans forward to play with Rodney's cock again.

He likes the way Rodney is seeing him in his mind's eye, as some sort of sleek powerful panther, taking his prey. Graceful and lithe as he toys with Rodney's body. Rodney loves feeling helpless under John's touch. There was a time when he didn't, but now that he knows how he deeply he is loved, he revels in it.

And he realizes that Rodney is happily surprised to know he has just as much power over John. As he begins to thrust, pulling slowly back and over Rodney's prostate, the combined pleasure overloads their senses...

Like they are detaching from their bodies somehow. No, as if their bodies have become formless particles, mixing with each other. There is no way to keep track of who is feeling what anymore, just a wash of pure bliss weaving in and out.

They are the spray from a stream of sea, foaming into each other. The pulse, the breath, every part of their spirit seems to sing together, filling every pore, every movement, ringing like the strum of bass strings over the ocean, the trill of a piano keys crashing over the waves.

Two pitches in harmony, perfectly aligned. The low guttural moan of wooden beams on an old ship, creaking and swelling along the swim of the current, along the perfect blue ocean...

the perfect hue of Rodney's eyes. The voyage skims across the surface; seamless in the way they meld together, as if they form a single vessel.

It builds to an orchestra, the math of space and time bending around them, penned into sheet music as their bodies climb into ecstasy. It is a single orgasm that shines forever, a single voice that screams in utter abandon.

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* * *

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John was right. It only takes 3 months to build another generator capable of returning them to their reality. Of course, Rodney had plenty of help from his McKay double. And John was able to contribute as well, especially when he and Rodney were linked through the stones. Seeing the limitless universe through Rodney's mind, he could compute simultaneous problems.

During those months, the two of them spent as much time linked as they could, exploring each other's minds and bodies, bonding on the of deepest levels possible.

When they weren't working or holed up together in their room, they got to know their doubles pretty well. Sheppard has come a long way; he seems at ease with himself now, planning to stay on at Area 51, at least for the short run, to see if he likes it. Wherever they end up, Sheppard and McKay seem to make each other truly happy.

The four of them are all together in the lab when they receive a successful signal test back from the Magellan. The IOA had assumed that John and Rodney made it through safely and have been attempting to repair the overloaded drive with the help of Zelenka.

Afterward, Rodney grins smugly, "I knew it. I knew he wouldn't be able to do it without me."

"And yet" John rolls his eyes, "You were completely wrong about how long it took us to get the drive operational."

Sheppard laughs, "You know, I'm almost going to miss these guys."

McKay makes a face and simply offers an ambivalent shrug.

.  
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	143. A mysterious machine

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When Rodney and John get back to their own universe, the good news of a possible stash of ZPM's located on the Lantean planet is overshadowed by the excitement of having them back. Everyone wants tell them stories about what they have missed in the last three months, especially Ronon, who is thrilled that he and Jennifer are expecting another child.

Of course the debriefing on Atlantis is a little less warm and fuzzy, the IOA can't wait to get their hands on a lost cache of Ancient tech. Suddenly they are more than eager to return to Pegasus. They send Caldwell immediately on the Daedalus to go and search for it, while Rodney is put back to work right away on the Magellan project, ironing out any kinks in the PUD drive. They are hoping to collect more than just the ZMP's from this universe.

Rodney thinks it should be feasible since the problem with their last mission was attempting to use the drive as a separate gateway. Really, it was built to be integrated and used with the ship. But he thinks he has figured out what went wrong and that it could safely be used again as a portal for an SG team.

Working in his lab is different now. While they were gone, Rodney had become accustomed to having the John's calming thoughts whisper in his mind, the sense that his soul was always with him. It is strangely quiet now, it will take some time to acclimate the usual human time to formulate thoughts and verbalize them again.

Being back at Solaris, Rodney has noticed that the air has gotten a little cooler in the Maison with the change of season. But John keeps him warm, nestling in close and pulling the fluffy comforter around them.

Happy to be back in their own luxurious bed together at night, Rodney snuggles closer and runs his hands through John's hair.

As if reading his thoughts, John's hands ghost over Rodney's face, "I might not know what you're thinking, Mere. But I still remember how every little touch, every movement can make you feel."

"No one could ever make me feel the things you do." Rodney snakes his hands down John's long back.

John's hand slides behind Rodney's neck and pulls him into a deep kiss and Rodney knows that their lovemaking tonight will be just as brilliant as if they were linked by the stones.

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* * *

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Daniel notices that Rodney seems agitated when he arrives on Atlantis, complaining about being pulled away from his important pet project on the Magellan. But since he and Rodney are the two resident experts on Ancient technology, they are both needed for this cataloging mission.

The rest of the team seems more than happy to go along for the ride. It's like one of their old scouting missions, back when much of Atlantis had been unexplored and uncatalogued.

Today they are examining some Ancient technologies that other scientists haven't been able to figure out yet. Rodney and Daniel crack most of the mysteries, and by the end of the afternoon, they are headed to a huge lab in one of the outer piers that has confounded the technicians.

Upon entering the room, it is clear right away to Daniel that something is different. It doesn't look quite like any other Ancient design he has seen. The ceiling is curved in a massive cove of decorative bubbles. In fact, everything in the lab has a curved feel, a rounded shape. Very unlike the strong straight lines typical of Ancient architecture.

"Huh." Rodney stops midway in the room and bites his lip.

"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing" Daniel replies. "What do you say we take a look at some of these consoles?"

Vala jumps behind Daniel and gives him a playful squeeze around the middle, "Oh goody. Consoles!"

He gives her a withering look that he knows she won't take seriously.

"Daniel, I'm bored." She pouts, "We've been doing this all day. What? Another machine, oh my."

She knows he loves her pouty face but keeps his mind on task, following Rodney to some of the stations set up around the room. John, and Ronon stand back, waiting to get the go ahead to touch anything, But Vala leans over Daniel's shoulder as he tries to grasp how any of this to works.

The dials are unresponsive, but the techs said the crystal trays are in working order and everything is powered up. He moves to another console near Rodney, "Think this thing is password protected like Janus' lab?"

"No," Rodney shakes his head, "then there would be some kind of prompt. It seems like it's mostly powered down, in sleep mode or something... We just need to find the right..."

Rodney fiddles with a toggle.

"Prompt?" Vala offers.

"Hey." Rodney is too distracted to answer her, moving towards another machine, "Look at this. It's got palm prints imbedded in the casing."

"They already said they tried that. In the briefing this morning, remember?" Daniel reminds him.

Musing out loud, Rodney continues, "Must be keyed to some sort of genetic sequence... What did they say they tried?"

"Uh," Daniel walks to the other side of the long console, "one of the technicians tried activating it with his hand."

"Did he have the gene?"

"Yeaaah." Daniel has the feeling Rodney wasn't listening to a word of the briefing.

"Huh." Rodney narrows his eyes in thought, "If it is keyed to some long dead Ancient, then it might take some significant tinkering to bypass primary systems."

When Vala finally flits away from behind Daniel's shoulder, his periphery feels strangely empty. He peers at the handprint impression in front of him and slides his palm into the grooves on the off chance something will happen.

He is shocked when a smooth translucent blue gel covers his hand.

"Oh my God. I made it work!" Vala yells from the other side of the platform.

"What did I tell you about touching things!" Rodney snaps at her.

"But I made it work." She argues. "There were two handprints on opposite sides, so two people needed to operate it."

Daniel tries to retract his hand , "Guys? Um, I can't get my hand free. In fact, I can't feel it at all."

John and Ronon step to his aid and try to help him get loose.

After a bit of useless wrenching, Rodney stops them, "Just, wait. We don't know if that's going to do any kind of damage."

"Should I be worried?" Vala asks.

"You should be worried that you didn't listen to my instructions to wait before touching any of the equipment." Rodney rolls his eyes.

"Oh. Never mind. It's letting my hand go now" Vala sounds relieved "I'm think it's fine. It just feels numb, a little cold."

As the stasis fluid retracts, Daniel pulls his hand away and tries to rub some feeling back into it.

"Okay." Rodney lifts a chiding finger, "Nobody do that again."

Some of the lights in the room begin to hum.

"We must have passed the prompt" Vala proclaims triumphantly.

John turns to Vala and Daniel, "You two head up to the infirmary and get checked out."

But Daniel dallies, too curious about the purpose of the room. He and Rodney are able to conclude from the now active consoles, that it was some kind of medical lab. The data is coming up empty though, as it currently does not have anything to read.

"Okay." John is impatient, "Now, go to the real infirmary and get checked out."

Daniel and Vala make their way back to the main section of the city and find Carson waiting for them in the med lab.

"Okay," He greets them, "Let's take a look"

Daniel gestures to Vala with his good hand, the one that isn't numb. She lifts hers with an air of royalty and her ever-present impishness.

After examining her hand, Carson looks worried, "There's a puncture wound here. It goes clear through the hand."

"Really?" Alarmed, Daniel lifts his own hand, He sees a red mark on his palm... there is one on back of his hand too. "I guess that explains the numbness and tingling."

"Aye. Though I have no idea yet what kind of effect this will have. I need to do full battery of tests and want you both staying here overnight for observation."

Vala groans but Carson is firm, "I'm not taking any chances. We haven't had the best track record with these Ancient gadgets."

Sighing, Daniel mentally resigns himself to the fact that they won't be going home with the rest of the team. After they have finished with the lab, Rodney, John, and Ronon come to check on them. They say they will be back tomorrow to check more equipment.

By the next morning, he and Vala get some good news, as far as Carson can tell, there are no foreign substances in their systems. It looks like a hollow needle has simply passed through their tissue. He hopes that the machine was been designed simply to take samples, but he wants them stay on the station for continued observation.

"You've got to be kidding me." Vala complains.

"After what happened to Rodney with the Ascension machine, I want to be sure. He seemed fine too after his initial exam. Look, you don't have to keep to the infirmary, stay in in Vala's old quarters, but I want to monitor your condition."

The two of them beam back to Solaris to collect some things and explain to others. It turns out not to be as bad a quarantine as they expected, having all this free time to themselves -just the two of them alone in a small bedroom.

For the next two days they are content with their quarantine and become reckless and insatiable in bed like they were when they first got together. Vala is so lithe and limber, there isn't anything she can't do... or will let him do to her. After a particularly physically taxing but immensely rewarding lovemaking session, the two of them stumble lazily down to the cafeteria to eat, staring lustily at each other across the table.

"You know," Daniel smirks, "we really should out carve more time... for these sex marathons."

"Agreed." Vala sucks on the tip of her finger.

He reaches across the table to her slim elegant fingers... her ever so skillful fingers. "I'm madly in love with you, you know" He kisses her hand, completely smitten.

"I know" Vala smiles coyly.

A moment passes and Daniel makes a face at her.

She grabs his hands and pulls him into a playful kiss,"And you know I'm madly in love you too, darling"

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* * *

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Rodney is immensely excited to be cleared to use to PUD drive. He'd had to wait for Daniel and Vala to be cleared medically from their little misadventure with the Ancient machine, but now they are back in Pegasus ready to try jumping to an alternate reality. Carson and Teyla have taken a Jumper to check on the progress of the Hoffan cure, which they report is a success. And there seems to be little evidence of the great scourge of the Wraith that once plagued this galaxy.

Upon meeting with Todd he had assured them that all the remaining Wraith have been successfully transformed, not that they took his word for it. While the human worlds say with there have been occasional violent clashes between them and the Wraith, none of them have been due to Wraith trying to feed on their old prey and none have heard of any cullings.

Since Caldwell's mission to had turned up an empty repository the team has been given clearance to jump a minimum number of times until they find a cache that still has the Ancient artifacts. Rodney checks and double checks everything on the Magellan to make sure all systems are functioning optimally but he is still a little nervous when they make the jump.

Fortunately, everything goes smoothly. After they jump, John pilots them to the location of the rings with the coordinates the McKay from Vegas provided. And only having to jump realities that once, the treasure trove they discover is astounding. Not only do they uncover 23 pristine ZPMs and the stones, but Rodney thinks they may now have the tools and materials to replicate the ZPMs themselves. A far greater prize, one he will encourage Dave to acquire the R&D rights to. Of course, if that doesn't work, the IOA can always send them on a return mission to search for more ZPM's in other realities.

The success of their mission earns them a lot of praise from the SGC and IOA. Not long after they get back home John gets promoted to full bird Colonel. And unlike the last time John got promoted, Rodney is there, sitting proudly in front row of ceremony and cheering him on. John keeps a stoic soldier's face during the officiations, but his eyes sparkle at Rodney, shining just for him.

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	144. He kisses Rodney in front of everyone

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The earpiece buzzes in Carson's ear and he clicks it on, "Beckett here."

"It's Sheppard, can you meet us at the lab at end of the West pier? Rodney wants you to take a look a medical machine."

"You mean the lab where Daniel and Vala were attacked by one of those Ancient contraptions?"

"Yeah, it's been giving off some strange energy readings, and we're trying to get to the bottom of it."

"Be right there." Carson sighs as he heads out of the infirmary to the transporter. When he arrives, he smirks at Vala and Daniel, "I trust you two are keeping your hands to yourself this time?"

Rodney gestures him over to one of the consoles. "Something weird is happening here"

"Energy readings, real exciting stuff." Ronon grunts.

"No, not just energy readings." Rodney turns to wince at Ronon before returning to the machine. He dials a knob to change the screen readings, "See, I'm not getting any Ancient text, but this stuff looks more like-"

"Biological material." Carson moves his hand to the dial, "May I?"

He turns the knob, "The Ancients were very interested in genetic manipulation."

"Could that be what we're looking at?" Daniel leans in over their shoulders, "Some kind of experiment to advance the species towards ascension?"

"It's hard to say, just yet." Carson furrows his brows.

"Wait." Rodney sounds distracted "There's a-"

There is a change in the pitch of small hum in the lab.

"It's glowing" John announces.

Carson turns around to see John gesturing at the ceiling. Two of the little circular, bubble-like designs are lit up.

"What did you do, Rodney?" Carson asks teasingly.

"I don't know." Rodney stares up at the high coved ceiling.

"Something's moving." Ronon lifts his pulse rifle.

Ronon's right, two of the bubbles are moving down, descending. Carson can see them more clearly now as two small milky white globes lower into the middle of the room; he steps up to examine them.

"Don't touch them." John warns him.

"No, I'll be careful" Carson squints at one of them hanging by a milky cord. He can make out a shape inside. He gasps suddenly and stands back.

"What?" Rodney asks, "What is it?"

"Something moved. I-I need to take a closer look" Carson steps gingerly over to the second globe, noticing that Ronon now has his pistol leveled squarely at the objects. Peering into the cloudy surface, Carson draws his breathe in sharply.

He reaches for his stethoscope, "I need to check something"

The rest of the team waits with guns drawn as he places the end of the scope onto the surface. The undeniable sound of a heartbeat pulses in his ears. Carson sighs and stands back up, looking at his friends.

"I think what we have here are a couple of live embryos. They appear to be somewhat humanoid, developed somewhere within 4 to 4 ½ month range."

Shocked, the some of the others take a closer look themselves.

"You sure they're humanoid?" John asks suspiciously standing back with Ronon.

"Well, I wouldn't rule out Ancient, given the technology. Their physiology appears very similar and we know next to nothing about their gestation periods." Carson realizes what John is asking and clarifies, "I don't thin we're dealing with any kind of Wraith or Replicator technology here."

"So, so this lab..." Vala giving Daniel a double take, "This can't be related what happened to us, can it? I mean, that was only a couple of months ago?"

Carson moves back to the console puzzling over the screen, "Rodney, can you use your tablet to interface this data with my medical records?"

"Of course I can." Rodney answers like it is a stupid question.

Daniel follows urgently on his heels speaking rapidly, "Could this have anything to do with those injections or samples or whatever they were?"

"I don't know, I don't know..." Carson mutters, as he stares at the images of cell structure and DNA.

"I've got to compare this..." He moves out of the way to let Rodney do his work.

Everyone in the room is staring at Carson with expectant faces. Everyone except Ronon, who has holstered his weapon but is still glowering suspiciously at the orbs.

It doesn't take Rodney long to get everything interfaced, and Carson accesses Daniel and Vala's medical records, crosschecking their blood samples. The DNA is human, and it's a match. He keeps looking at the embryo data to be sure.

He slowly turns around the deliver the verdict. Looking at Daniel and then Vala, he tells them, "It's a match your DNA. 100% yours, 100% human. I can't explain the accelerated growth, but at current rate of development, with in 2 to 3 months, they will be..."

"Uh, mature." Carson swallows.

"Ours?" Vala's go wide and she lifts her hand to her mouth in shock.

Carson knows from her medical file that she can't have children and feels sympathetic about what an emotional jolt this must be for her... For both of them.

"I'm sorry," He begins, "this probably isn't what you wanted to hear-"

"No." Daniel cuts him off, "Are you kidding? We always wanted... Are you sure they're really ours? I mean, healthy and...?"

"A boy and girl." Carson nods.

Daniel reaches for Vala's hand and pulls it towards him gently. She blinks at him in a daze then claps his hand back tightly.

"Of course," Carson adds, "This is going to require a lot more observation and study to understand, but I'm glad the outcome of this medical accident isn't completely unwelcome."

Over the next 2 and ½ months Carson spends much of his time studying the lab, or rather the nursery, as he has come to call it. He strives to understand how the maturation and birth are meant to happen as he oversees the development of the two children. But when Bjorn and Vanadis are born, it is an easy process. Much easier than attending the natural birth of Jennifer's second child, Tyre, who is born a few months later.

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* * *

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Though Tyre is just a few weeks old, Ronon wouldn't miss this celebration tonight for the anything. Kanaan has been kind enough to stay back at Solaris with Jennifer and tend to all the kids while the rest of them usher in a new age on Atlantis.

They have all been preparing for this day for a while now, September 20, 2011. As they realized the law was really going into effect, allowing gays members of the military to openly serve, Ronon set up a committee for anyone on Atlantis, military or not, to join in the planning of the celebration.

Of course, John insisted on hanging a bunch of piñatas wrapped in Christmas paper at various lengths from the tall ceiling in the gate room, all for Rodney's benefit. The Piñatas actually look a lot better than Ronon thought they would, like a scattering of those things they decorate trees with –bulbs, sparkly bulbs dressing the air.

Ronon enjoyed the look of wonder and surprise on Rodney's face as he marveled at the room. Although Rodney had been involved in the planning, he hadn't known about that one detail.

Not usually one for long-winded speeches, Ronon is going to speak his mind tonight. This is something he feels very strongly about, as he's watched his closest friends struggle over it for years. He knows it's been harder for John and Rodney to keep silent, but it's affected him too.

Even tonight is supposed to be about lifting the past cultural taboos, but Ronon hasn't seen John or Rodney standing close or acting like themselves like they do back at Solaris. They seem to be having a great time through, everyone does. Especially Rodney, his cheeks all flushed from drinking more than he usually does, laughing easily and exchanging happy side-long glances with John.

Ronon looks down from the balcony. The whole staff seems to be here, a couple hundred people crowded into the space -even the stiffs like Caldwell and Lorne have shown up.

Clinking his beer against the railing to get everyone's attention, Ronon shouts out, "Hey, Hey! Everybody, I want to make a toast!"

Someone lowers the music and he clears his throat, "When I first met the people of Atlantis, you took me in and gave me a way to fight for justice, for my people, and on behalf of everyone in the Pegasus galaxy.

In a lot of ways you guys were more advanced than the Satedans, but not with this fucked rule you had. Making some of your soldiers live in shame, hiding who they were and who they loved... It wasn't easy for me to keep doing my job even though I believed in it."

Ronon frowns seriously, "It was hard knowing that this kind of injustice was effecting people I worked with, people I respected and cared about. It made this fight personal for me. And for those of you who know me, you know that I'm not one stand on the sidelines, patiently waiting."

The crowd titters with laughter, then Ronon continues. "So, this day has been a long time coming. It's a victory for all of us, just as real any of our battles with the Wraith or Replicators."

Lifting his beer in the air, Ronon bellows, "To victory!"

The crowd cheers him on, shouting back, "Victory!"

The sound of merrily clinking glassware can be heard throughout the room. Ronon feels a hand on his back and turns to see Rodney, grinning drunkenly at him and swaying a little where he stands. Having never seen Rodney so drunk, Ronon laughs a little.

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* * *

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As Rodney wobbles over to the balcony ledge, John steps up from behind. He doesn't reach for him, but stays close enough to lend a steadying hand, should Rodney need it. And for the looks of things, he might need it.

Rodney lifts his glass in the air, shouting over the balcony, "I just wanna say... 'Sbout the victory... I am so-so-so, SO happy. 'N this FUCKED UP shit is finally over!"

In his enthusiasm, Rodney tilts a little too far forward for John's comfort. He reaches for Rodney and pulls him back from the edge. Rodney reels back, falling into John's arms. Oh. Wow. John is suddenly aware of the spectacle they are making up here on the balcony... Him with his arms wrapped around Rodney. And the way Rodney is gazing at him adoringly, his eyes shining at John with so much love...

Tension ripples through John's body as he realizes everyone in the room can see the obvious. Oh God. But Rodney... the way Rodney is looking at him right now, John doesn't want to hide it anymore. He leans down and holds Rodney's face tenderly, planting a chaste but sweet kiss on his lips. As he pulls back he is surprised to hear the sound of people in the crowd clapping and cheering.

He keeps an arm around Rodney's shoulder as he looks over the balcony. There are a lot of smiling faces but he notices a few that aren't. Caldwell is leering at them in open disgust. Woolsey appears frightened. John can't even describe the look on Ellis's face. Lorne has an expression closer to pure hatred; he locks eyes with John and sneers while shaking his head. Then he turns and stalks out of the room. He isn't the only one. A handful of the military men are leaving, maybe 10 or 15 of them.

John's face tightens a little bit, but he takes a breath and keeps his arm around Rodney. Fuck it. Why did they even come tonight if they can't accept it? That was the point of the whole stupid off-duty celebration. He shouldn't have to hide the fact that he and Rodney just celebrated their 2 year wedding anniversary, not anymore.

He tries not to think about how many of his men have now completely lost all respect for him. Good thing they just promoted him, it probably won't ever happen again after this. John guides Rodney away from the display of the balcony and back into the circle of their friends.

Their warm faces give him reassurance and the tightness in his chest loosens. He steals Rodney's vodka tonic and gets him some water to drink instead. The vodka doesn't taste too bad. John decides to keep going with the harder stuff in lieu of beer. It gives him a pleasant flush and makes it easier to forget his anxiety.

The rest of the night is festive and fun, rollicking with their friends. Both John and Rodney are quite toasty by the time the piñata finale goes off, bursting and littering the floors with candies and confetti. John laughs mumbling something about how it will be a hell of a job getting this all clean by tomorrow.

"Glad it's not it's us." Ronon remarks.

The Solaris crew eventually all beam back together and John and Rodney stumble up the stairs to the Maison. John fumbles at the landing.

"You, Colonel... are drunk." Rodney accuses him lightheartedly.

"Not as drunk as you." John shrugs.

"'S' also true..." Rodney doubles over in laughter, "How we gonna get inside?"

John makes a serious face, and presses down the latch. The door swings open.

Rodney lifts his arms, shouting, "Victory!"

Herding Rodney inside, the two of them collapse on the den couches at first. Then, they muddle to their bedroom. John barely gets his shoes of before sinking into the pillows. He is not looking forward to tomorrow's hangover.

He clumsily wraps his arms around Rodney, " Mmm-Mere... love you"

"Not 's much-as I love you" Rodney slurs.

Too intoxicated to disagree, John snuggles the under the covers with Rodney and fades to black.

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	145. Mmm, you smell like gunpowder

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John sleeps in, waiting for Rodney's alarm before sitting up and holding his pounding head in his heads. Groaning, he stumbles out of bed and makes his way to bathroom for some aspirin. He starts a pot of coffee and brings the aspirin and a glass of water back to the bedroom for Rodney.

Petting Rodney's hair, he tries to rouse him, "Mere... Mere... You got to get up and drive to the SMA site today." He rocks Rodney's shoulders gently and finally he responds, squinting his eyes open.

"Here. I got you some Aspirin."

Rodney sits up and gratefully takes the pills. "How much did I drink last night?"

"You and me both." John laughs a little but stops as it makes his headache worse, "Come on, let's take a quick shower and I'll make you something to eat before you go."

"Mmm, you're the best husband." Rodney mumbles.

John smiles and lifts Rodney's arms to pull him out of bed. When they have finished their belated race to get ready and wolfed down a quick meal, Rodney runs down to the truck and John braces himself for whatever fallout he may have to deal with back on Atlantis.

He beams in without incident and takes a group of his men on a training exercise to the Milky Way Alpha site. None of them seem to be acting any differently; they are at least obeying his orders without any weird looks.

By late afternoon John is in his office tackling some dreaded paperwork he has been putting off. Before he can finish, Woolsey calls him over the com and asks him the come to his office.

As soon as John walks in, Woolsey quickly speaks up, "Why don't you close the door so we can have some privacy."

Closing the panel, John walks over to Woolsey's desk. The expression on Woolsey's face is making his stomach tight.

"Take a seat."

"What's up?" John leans back casually in the chair to disguise the tension he is feeling.

Woolsey twists his folded hands on the desk, "I've received a number of complaints about last night."

"Oh?" John's stomach burns.

With a sour expression, Woolsey continues, "I don't like having to bring this up, I like to think that my senior officers would comport themselves with more decorum... But, ah the IOA has strict regulations about employee relations and sexual behavior in the workplace. There is to be no sexual contact-"

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" John fumes, "You've seen plenty of 'contact' happen here over the years between members of the opposite sex, both on and off duty. No one has ever filed a complaint over it, let alone something as innocent as a peck on the lips."

"I've got 14 official complaints here over the behavior of the commanding officer on Atlantis." Woolsey sighs, "A number of them requested transfers over the flaunting of this... It's my obligation to follow up and-"

"And what exactly?!" John's voice booms over Woolsey's "You want to try to fire me for something and minor as this? Something you have never enforced with any other couple on base? Be my guest. I would hardly call such a mild expression of affection to my husband of the last two years, flaunting."

The color drains out of Woolsey's face but John doesn't care, he is livid now.

Woolsey looks like he has something stuck in his throat, then he furrows his brows in confusion, "Husband?"

John stands up in anger and shoves the chair back against the desk. "Any of my men that can't respect my command are welcome to resign or transfer. As for you..."

He glares at Woolsey, "You're welcome to take any action against me you think is ethical... Oh, provided it's legal, and shows lack of prejudice based past precedent." With that he turns and strides out of the room.

As John returns to his small, scarcely used office and tries to focus on the paperwork but his chest is burning with anger. He wants to hit something, break the computer or phone on the desk, but he keeps himself in check and continues the task at hand.

After another hour of typing, he is finally done with his mission reports. John sits with his hands behind his head thinking and staring at the wall in front of him. How many of his men secretly hate him now? Does it mean he can't do his job anymore? God knows, he's had plenty of commanding officers he didn't respect. Some he even hated a bit, still he followed orders... Well, mostly.

Leaning forward with his elbows on the desk, he rubs his tired eyes. John is just about to stand up when the computer screen trills with an incoming video conference request. O'Neill. Super.

He opens the screen window and sees O'Neill's grim face staring back at him.

"Sheppard."

"General O'Neill. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Cut the crap Sheppard." O'Neill winces, "What is this Woolsey tells me about you sucking face with... McKay? In front of the entire staff?"

"That's hardly how I would characterize it..." John's lips press into a thin line, "Sir."

"Well, we've got a lot of official complaints that characterize it in pretty colorful terms. Please tell me this was some kind of practical joke gone wrong and that it will never happen again."

John's body feels drained of energy. His chest feels empty and without air to find the words. He speaks with a forced formality.

"Sir, we were having an off-duty get together, for those members of the staff who wished to attend, to celebrate the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. I may have gotten carried away in the moment by giving McKay a light kiss on the lips. But as many other couples on the station have done so over the years, I don't feel it was a great infraction."

Palming his face and groaning, O'Neill looks back up at John with reproach in his eyes, "Couples? So, you're telling me, you and McKay are a... couple?"

"We've been married for over 2 years, sir."

Rolling his eyes and making a face as he shakes his head, it takes O'Neill a moment to speak. "Right. Okay, this has gone too far. We've got good men willing to resign over this. This is the kind of thing that weakens officer morale, that undermines the strength of command. How we possibly expect men to follow you, when you're a..."

John's jaw tightens in anger but he stays silent waiting to hear the slur.

O'Neill leaves the sentence unfinished, "Look, you've got to see what this is doing to the men... There was a time when officers such as yourself, could see what needed to done for the greater good and would have to dignity to resign rather than behave in such a flamboyant..." O'Neill shakes his head in distaste again.

"Isn't that the point of this new law, sir?" John simply says, keeping his rage in check.

"What?" O'Neill makes a weary face.

"That's the whole point of this, though, isn't it? I don't have to resign anymore."

"So to hell with the men and the whole command structure?" O'Neill's eyes flash with anger.

"Sir," John levels his eyes at O'Neill, "I suggest that the men and woman who request transfer, be allowed to serve elsewhere. I believe that the majority still respect me or, at the very least, respect my authority."

With a withering look, O'Neill says sarcastically, "Oh you do, do you? Jesus, this is fucking disaster. What I am I supposed to do with a commanding officer who insists on carrying on like this?"

"I apologize if I have made your job more difficult..." John swallows his anger, "Sir. But I am not planning on 'carrying on' in any sort of dramatic fashion. I was simply relieved that I do not have to continue to hide my relationship, it has been a great strain on us both."

"Yes." O'Neill cringes, "Thank you so much for leaving me to pick up the pieces. What a great strain this must have been for you not getting to nance around all these years. O'Neill out."

Suddenly the screen goes black, John is just as unprepared for the abrupt end to the conversation as he was for O'Neill's attack. Nance around? Fuck him.

With all due respect, sir, go fuck yourself. Funny, how that line, 'With all due respect' always precedes some kind of insult in the military. He's had it directed at himself plenty of times. Oh, if only he could get away with saying that to O'Neill.

The knots in John's stomach twist. He hates not knowing what is coming, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Today, coming to work... John felt as insecure as once did facing his high school peers. He misses his team today; they are all off working on other projects right now since there was no mission planned. He really could have used Rodney or Ronon by his side.

John heads down to the firing range with a fierce look in his face, eyes narrowed, ready to punch the first person who challenges him. His persona seems to repel any interaction, no one even tries to say hello or meet his gaze.

He loads his clips fires away. Shooting at shit always makes him feel better. John stays for a while blasting weapons and imagining various faces on the target paper in the distance, O'Neill, Woolsey, Lorne... He feels a little better when he is done.

On his way to get beamed back to Solaris, John keeps a strong face with his head held high. If one more person tries to fuck with him today, he is going to lose control. It is a relief when he the flash of white envelops him and he sees the shapes and colors of the garden in Solaris come into focus. He climbs the steps up to his house. As he opens the door, the smell of something delicious wafts over to him.

Rodney is pulling some bottles of water out of the refrigerator. "You were gone a long time, I was just about to eat without you."

"I set up a couple plates on the balcony." Rodney gestures behind him.

John strides into the kitchen. Ah, it's good to be home.

Rodney breezes past him, he gives John a quick kiss on the neck, as he walks on the way out to balcony, "Mmm, you smell like gunpowder."

"Wow." John smiles and makes his way to small table, "Did you make all this?"

"Yes..." Rodney looks guilty, "Well, not exactly, no. The stuff that required actual cooking... Jennifer and Teyla made this big batch for everyone and gave us some."

He grins sheepishly at John, "I wanted to impress you, but the truth would have come out eventually."

"I already know the ugly truth, you can't cook." John laughs. "But I'm always impressed by you."

As the two of them eat and Rodney tells him about his day, John feels his spirit quelling a bit from his earlier stress. By the time they are done, and cleaning up in the kitchen, John feels like the knots in his stomach starting to loosen. As he washes a dish in the sink, he feels Rodney's hand rubbing across his back.

"You want to talk about it?"

"That obvious, huh?"

"I love you, you know." Rodney's hands reach around his chest, hugging him from behind.

John turns to return Rodney's embrace, "I know. I know... I just didn't want to burden you with this."

Rodney squeezes him and reaches up to kiss his neck, then he pulls John into the bedroom. The have their best talks curled up with each other on the bed. They both strip down to their boxers and Rodney takes John's head onto his chest, carding his fingers through John's hair.

As Rodney's fingers trails through his hair, John feels his body relax into Rodney's smooth chest. He lets the words come tumbling out, the story of his encounters with Woolsey and O'Neill. He can feel Rodney's ire rising, his grip on John tightens, becomes more protective.

When Rodney holds him like this, John feels safe enough to let his guard fall completely away and admits his insecurities, "Maybe he was right. Maybe I should resign. I just can't stand the thought of losing everyone's respect, having my people hate me."

"Baby, not everyone is hateful. If a handful of bigots need to leave, let them leave." Rodney runs his fingers lightly down John's back, "Most of these people have known you for years. They respect you as a commander and a soldier, you've saved most of their lives more than once.

And did you hear how many people were clapping for us? Almost everyone. Most of them are happy for us. You've earned the respect you have. You've earned your place there. I mean, you just got promoted! Don't let them win. We won. We finally won."

"You think so?" John wonders.

"Yes. Now we can be as gay as we want."

That makes John press his face into Rodney's chest with laugher.

"That was always the dream, right?" Rodney teases and John laughs even harder.

"If O'Neill or Woolsey try to force the issue, they are on shaky ground." Rodney continues, "If they try to fight us, we will win, again. You handled yourself really well today. I know it wasn't easy, and I'm sorry if I made it any harder for you."

"How did you make any of this harder?"

"Well, I kind of made it obvious with the way I was acting last night. I know you kissed me but, I kind of-"

"No, Mere." John lifts his head to look into Rodney eyes.

"I'm so proud to be your husband. I'm glad I got the chance... I'm glad I don't have to pretend anymore. Even if people are going to react to it. I don't want to be afraid anymore." John trembles a little as he says it.

Rodney lifts his hands to hold the sides of John's face, "Oh."

Pulling John down onto his mouth, Rodney kisses him tenderly, possessively. John takes the strength that Rodney is offering, lets himself go to that wonderful feeling of being taken and protected by his husband. Rodney makes all the fear go away, makes his body melt completely.

John moans as Rodney's tongue gently penetrates his mouth. He doesn't even need to say it, by the way Rodney's hands hold his face, it is clear Rodney knows his heart.

He doesn't need to beg Rodney to hold him so tight, to make him feel possessed utterly, to pump his cock deep inside. He doesn't need to ask Rodney to take him, to take control, drawing John's spirit up into him where it is safe and found.

Rodney knows when John wants him to draw his spirit out of him and make it soar, making him cum so hard that everything blinding white and perfect. Rodney knows all of this.

He has always sensed when John needs to be fucked, but ever since they were bonded through the stones, Rodney implicitly understands the complexity of what John is feeling and just how he needs it.

Rodney knows exactly what to do, and he takes his time doing it all to John, lifting him slowly and deliciously into that space where their souls unite. He takes his time, making love to John, making it last as long as he can.

And when John cums, he is pinned down under Rodney's body, his legs wide and quaking, spasming wildly and out of control with Rodney's cock driving hard inside him.

As John gasps, recovering while the reverberations of the orgasm still run through him, Rodney kisses him deeply, gripping his hands into John's hair, and then gazing down at him with love. Wrapping his legs around Rodney back and relishing the fullness of the cock still inside him, John just whimpers in ecstasy.

When his husband leans in to take his mouth again and John offers it willingly as the softness of Rodney's lips close over his. Rodney teases and plunders his mouth, reminding John that he belongs to him, that he has been claimed by this man. John shudders with pleasure as their tongues twirl and sate the lingering embers of the night's passion.

When they have taken their fill, Rodney pulls out and rolls John onto his chest again, stroking his hands through his hair. John clings to him, nestling in as close as can, feeling completely safe and protected. Whatever toll the day has taken on him is gone. He is renewed, Rodney's love makes him feel so strong. Nothing else in this world can make him feel small as long as Rodney makes him soar.

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	146. Distress call from another dimension

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Rodney breathes in the clean morning air, waking with John's arms and legs twined around him. His eyes slowly open, the quality of light in the room tells him the sun has barely come up. His mind drifts to the night before... The amazing sex they had after Rodney played John the song he wrote for him on the piano... the antique piano John gave him for their 3 year wedding anniversary, just a few months ago.

It has already become a warm presence in their home, like being reunited with an old friend. Rodney hopes that his anniversary gift to John was as good. John has seemed delighted by the golf course Dave helped Rodney design on a swath of land behind the house.

Reflecting on the last year or so Rodney can't believe how much has happened since their last anniversary. All the missions exploring on the Magellan, finding new minerals and materials, visiting parallel realities to exchange technology...

Sheppard–MacKay Aeronautics is almost done constructing a small fleet of wormhole drive ships. The SMA has become one of Dave's most lucrative corporations and Jeanie's IIF has become viable enough to begin to acquire the land needed for the development sites.

And he is so proud of John, he has more than proven his capability as a military commander and shown that he is just as respected by his people. Even Woolsey has given his begrudging acceptance.

The best part of Rodney's life though, is definitely the domestic scene of Solaris. Everyone knit together into one big family. One big family with 6 kids -sometimes more, depending on how many of their Athosian friends are visiting to play in the pool. He smiles thinking about the colorful Athosian village. John always loves taking a ride on the Ferris wheel whenever gets the chance.

Nestling closer into John, pleasant memories flit through his mind. Everything is so... so wonderful. The evenings spent laughing and talking around the fire. Games and parties... Christmas celebrations...

Rodney closes his eyes again, but his mind is too active and excited about the mission today. After receiving a distress call from a parallel dimension a few days ago, the IOA has finally given them the go ahead to bring a Naquedria enhanced bomb to aid the SGC in another universe.

It is will be a high-risk operation, so they won't be taking the ship, just beaming in with recall beacons. Hard to know exactly what kind of situation they will be getting themselves into, but if they can make a difference by bringing this one item... Well, Rodney thinks it is worth a try.

Then, despite his excitement Rodney slowly feels himself drifting back sleep. When he wakes again, it is to the smell of coffee.

"Good morning, love of my life." John is smiling over him with a mug.

"You're too good to me." Rodney's eyes shine up at his husband.

"Mere. You wrote me a love lullaby. It's the least I can do." John reaches down to stroke the side of Rodney's face.

Leaning his face into John's hand, his heart swells, "I love you, Em."

"Clearly." John smiles back tenderly and leans down to kiss him.

When they have finished eating and getting ready, Rodney and John meet the rest of the team leaving for today's mission in front of the garden -the spot the Atlantis always uses as beam out coordinates. Today, Carson is joining the rest of the them, in case any medical assistance is needed.

Once fully assembled, John speaks on the com to the gateroom and they are beamed to Atlantis to gear up and get the Naquadria bomb. Woolsey tries to tactfully reminds them that if they have the chance to gain any new technology in return, to try to avail themselves. Then Atlantis beams them over to the SMA site where the PUD is located.

The coordinates from the SOS were sent from a location inside the SGC in Cheyenne mountain. Even though they PUD has been running successfully for a while now, Rodney is still a little nervous about the fact that his body is going to be moving across state lines as well as into another universe.

Rodney sends a MALP through first, and get confirmation of viability. The video feed shows a lab and some familiar faces –, Dr. Lee, and Dr. Zelenka and himself. The trio waves excitedly looking happy about the appearance of the machine.

"Ready guys?" John looks around at everyone in lab.

Rodney nods as the technician powers up the drive. In flash everything disappears and the 6 of them are in the lab with the 3 scientists from another universe. Their hosts stare at the group with open mouths. Rodney's double, McKay, speaks first.

"Oh my God, you have a functioning drive –this is incredible. You-you got our distress call."

"Did you bring something capable of destroying a Stargate?" Zelenka asks.

"Naquadria reactor." Rodney lifts the case he is carrying.

"I don't think a Naqueda generator is going to do it." McKay frowns.

"No, Naquad-RIA. Different substance, much more reactive, highly volatile." Rodney explains.

"Okay, okay. Great, this is great." McKay nods, his eyes flit nervously to Lee and Zelenka. None of them look like they have been sleeping... very dark rings under the eyes.

McKay shakes his head at the group of them, "Sorry, this is so weird. Some of you I... we haven't seen in long time." His gaze lingers on Ronan.

"So, like some of us are dead?" Ronan asks.

"All of you are dead..." McKay gestures to himself, "Except me, obviously."

McKay is staring at Rodney's hand. No, McKay is looking at everyone's hands and he has a puzzled expression on his face. Rodney looks down at his hand holding the case and sees the glint of his wedding band. McKay is probably wondering about why they all have matching rings on their right fingers.

"So, ah, how'd I die?" Ronan asks.

"You were kidnapped while you were away on a mission" Zelenka answers, "We tried to find you but we had no idea where to look. Then Woolsey and the IOA was starting to shut the Pegasus project down, they-they thought Michael represented too much of threat, you know, if he was able to take Atlantis and access the control crystal to Earth."

"We didn't stop searching for you for you though." McKay interjects, "John, ah, Sheppard and I, some others, stayed behind... but was too late when found you. A Satedan named Solan had killed you, claiming you were a Wraith worshipper."

McKay looks sad, "When we recovered your body, Jennifer confirmed that your bloodstream had been flooded with the Wraith enzyme. We were forced to evacuate not long after that."

"Yeah, I remember that." Ronan nods, "So Teyla didn't tell you who took me?"

"Teyla..." McKay's frown deepens, "Teyla had been taken months before... By then, things in Pegasus were spinning out of control. Sam was recalled to Earth...We, we kept searching, but then Woolsey took over Atlantis, he stripped the operation down to an observation outpost."

Sighing McKay continues speaking rapidly, "Our hands were hands tied, giving Michael the freedom to be able to perfect his hybrids. He whittled down the human and Wraith populations down alike. Those humans that survived the Hoff virus, well, they were rapidly turned into members of Michael's hybrid army and the galaxy was soon overrun.

Keller and I thought the Ancient genetics lab could have been used revert Michael's hybrids back to humans, but we eventually were ordered to evacuate and take the control crystal with us to the SGC."

"So you never learned why he took Teyla or where to find here?" John asks.

McKay shakes his head.

"So, that mission John went on," Rodney wonders, "to make contact with the Genii. The one where they never showed... He came back without a problem?"

Smiling, almost looking happy, McKay answers, "Right. That mission... I remember." He looks wistful, "John came back and, everything was... good for a while."

Rodney's eyes drift down to McKay's left hand and sees a gold wedding band.

Lee wrings his hands nervously, "We should get to the part about Michael now."

"Right." McKay looks cold again, "There were a few military personal left behind to safeguard Atlantis, but a couple years later we lost contact. The Daedalus reported that Michael had taken the city. Then we received a transition, from a Wraith –but sort of ally-"

"Todd?" John asks.

"Yeah, Todd. He claimed that Michael had stolen his ZPMs, ones he had taken from the Replicator army. He had used them to build an Armada of indestructible super-hive ships. They were decimating the Pegasus Galaxy and Todd wanted our help. The IOA in its infinite wisdom chose to ignore the distress call..."

Zelenka picks up where McKay left off, "Fast forward a couple years. Michael's ships now have the Milky Way in a choke hold. A few weeks ago they attacked Earth. Most of the major defensive positions capitals around the world have already been destroyed. Earth defenses fought them off as long as they could but our chair is depleted of drones and air support is down to small group of fighters left over from the first wave."

"A smattering of vessels representing the world powers that once were. Nothing left to match Michael's fleet." Lee adds sadly.

"Most of our guys are gone now." McKay looks at John with sorrow in his eyes. "But you put up a good fight."

"I did?" John asks.

"Yeah." McKay closes his eyes, then opens them again staring at John, "I can't believe you're here. Not you, but..."

McKay clears his throat, "We sent off a few waves of evacuations to the Alpha site before we were hit too. We lost a lot of good people fighting off the Hybrids. But Michael knows the gate is here, and he's going to want to use it to bring in more of his army. We can't let him take it. There will be no chance for any Earth survivors if he does. Not to mention all the data, access to gate addresses, my research on the Parallel Reality Bridge."

"Do you have a working drive?" Rodney raises his eyebrows in concern.

"Um, no, not completely. We were able to send out some short bursts. Distress calls... but we can't keep it operational very long without creating a build up of dangerous exotic particles."

"Ah, because you never encountered the research on the alternate Daedalus." Rodney concludes.

"The what?" McKay asks.

"Long story, doesn't matter. We still can't let Michael get his hands on any of it." Rodney agrees.

McKay nods dully, "Our remaining personnel are on the upper levels, ready to repel Michael's next attack. We have to set a bomb at the base of the compound, where it's most heavily shielded. If you can help us set the charge, we'll give you enough time to make it back to upper levels and... get back to your own world."

"So that's it?" Carson frowns, "You're just going to give up?"

"We have to protect what's left of our world." McKay's face darkens.

Daniel sounds compassionate, "We can understand that, but don't any of you want to come back with us?"

Zelenka nods eagerly.

"Yes, yes. That would be great." Lee gushes.

"I have to stay." McKay's expression is stark, "I have to make sure detonation is successful... but there is someone else I need you to take with you. There's a, a boy... Wyatt. He's only 5, he needs someone to look after him. He was supposed to go with the last evacuation to the Alpha site, but gate activity was interrupted when Michael attacked the base. Overloaded the generators with his weapons fire."

"Of course." Rodney nods sadly, "We'll take... Of course. Is there anyone else on base?"

"No." McKay tells him, "Everyone else is here to defend the SGC until it self-destructs."

"I should set the base self-destruct now, as a secondary measure..." McKay walks over to the console. "It should take us about 3 minutes to make it to the lower level. Another three to make it back... So-"

"Let's set it to 20 minutes, just to be sure." John suggests.

While McKay sets the self-destruct, Lee and Zelenka walk over to Rodney, eager to examine his bomb. He opens the case and begins explaining the activation process.

Before he can finish, McKay yells, "Activating self-destruct... now!"

A loud alarm begins to blare and the lights on the hallway begin the flash red.

"Let's go we'll show you the way." Zelenka pipes up anxiously.

Lee and Zelenka lead to the group to the door. McKay runs around the console to catch up with them and falls in step with Carson who is curious about his own fate in the other universe.

Rodney overhears McKay explaining apologetically how he was forced to leave Carson in stasis as they had no cure to repair his telomeres. McKay's head hangs heavy and Carson pats him on the shoulder, "I'm sure you did all you could. I know you, Rodney."

Suddlely the compound is rocked by a heavy explosion, even at this depth underground, they can feel it. The sound of distant gunfire can be heard.

"We have to set the bomb before they get through!" McKay shouts.

Then another explosion hits them. Rodney falls the ground and hears the sound of walls crumbling around him. He curls into himself and lifts his hands over his head protectively.

A spray of dust and rock particles hit the side of his body, but he appears to be intact. Coughing and wiping his face clean, Rodney blinks through the dust to assess the damage.

One whole side of the wall has completely given way. The passage in front of them is partially blocked, covered with cement blocks and twisted rebar. They are going to have to climb over it to make to the other side. The sound of Carson's voice draws his attention.

"Ohhhh. I can't get out."

One of Carson's legs is caught in the rubble, and he yells, "Ronon! Help!"

Daniel and Ronan rush to his side and help remove the heavy block pinning Carson's foot.

Carson sighs with relief as they pull him free, asking, "Is everyone else okay?"

John is kneeling over a half buried McKay, holding his hand.

Vala looks to Daniel, "Lee and Zelenka." The two of them scramble over the rubble to find their comrades.

"I'm fine." Carson waves Rodney and Ronan away, "I didn't even think it's broken."

Rodney quickly joins John by McKay's side. There is blood pooling all over the floor, he can't tell what has happened exactly, but it looks as if something has torn through his upper torso.

"Carson!" Rodney chokes out.

He hears the sound of Ronan helping Carson to his feet as he gapes at McKay's ashen face.

McKay stares transfixed, his eyes locked with John's, He coughs weekly, spattering his lips with blood, "John, promise me you will see this through. P-please keep..." he wheezes, "from Michael... Our only chance"

"I will." John takes his hand and stares back intently.

"And Wyatt..." McKay's eye fill with tears, "Please save Wyatt. Don't... don't let him die here alone... L-lowest level, Section D... Ro-room 38."

Rodney sees John's jaw tighten as he frowns fiercely to control his emotion. His voice is strong over the sound of the self-destruct siren and the distant P-90 fire. "I promise I won't leave without him."

"I-I knew y-you wouldn't..." McKay smiles, his eyes shine with pure love, " Johhhhhhn. Oo-ohh."

McKay takes a few more choking breaths without taking his eyes away from John's face, then his body goes limp and his eyes glaze over.

Carson reaches over and takes McKay's hand from John, feeling his pulse. Then he looks up at John, "I'm sorry there was nothing we could have done."

John's mouth hangs open now in shock, he blinks rapidly and then stands up, looking back up to Vala and Daniel with the stern face of a commander, "Lee and Zelenka?"

They shake their heads sadly.

"Okay, Rodney, you're with me. The rest of you stay here with Carson, don't let them deactivate the base self-destruct. You can use this cave-in as cover. Be ready to beam back out on my command."

He looks at his watch, "Once we're down there we'll set the detonation for 5 minutes. If we're not back in time. You go without us. That's an order."

"Come on," John's eyes flash at Rodney, "we gotta hurry if we're going to have time to save this kid."

They run through the abandoned halls to the urgent sound of the self-destruct and the red lights flashing everywhere they go. The emptiness of the huge compound of eerie, highlighting the importance of the task that there is no one left to complete but them.

The lift to lower level in still working, thank God, and they make their way into one of the adjunct power stations off the gate room. Everything is scrambled, but it doesn't matter that it's not operational, Rodney just needs to set his charge close enough to gate and the generators.

After setting up the bomb, Rodney lifts his head to ask, "5 minutes? To get the kid and get back up?"

A distant explosion rocks the base again. John presses his lips together, "5 minutes."

John tries to radio Ronan and the others, but the shielding on the lower levels is interfering.

Rodney lets to watch, "Okay synchronize on my mark, 3, 2, 1, mark."

When he looks back up John's face is not as serious and drawn as it had been, he is almost smiling, amused. Probably something to do with Rodney's use of military parlance, he'll never understand why that's so funny to John.

"So. We should hurry up and find this kid." Rodney reminds him.

"Right. D section. Not far from here." John breaks into a run and Rodney tries to keep up.

Down the hall a way, Rodney yells, "Wait what room was it?"

"38" John calls over his shoulder.

"Then we just passed it, it's down this hall."

"You sure?" John backtracks.

"Pretty sure."

"Okay, let's go."

They continue at a brisk pace, careful not to miss the right quarters. Rodney stops and points at the door with the number 38 painted on it.

Nodding, John opens the door with his gun drawn, and the two of them venture inside. It is a standard bedroom. A bed a chair, a desk. No one is in there.

"Well," Rodney shrugs at John, "We gotta go."

John frowns, calls out "Wyatt?" Just to be sure.

Rodney looks at his watch 4 minutes and 3 seconds. "We gotta-"

Something is moving under the bed, small hands peak out and then the shape of a boy emerges, crawling out. He looks at them wide eyed and runs over to John, throwing his arms around John's legs.

"I guess we can assume this is Wyatt." John shrugs.

Looking at his watch, Rodney makes a dire face and, "None of that is going to matter if..."

"Hey buddy," John bends down, "you think you can come with us? We kinda got to get out of here real fast."

Wyatt shows no intention of letting John's legs go or moving. Then John tells him, "Give me your arms, I'm going to hold you."

The boy looks up at John and offers his arms. John quickly scoops him up; Wyatt's arms and legs cling to John like he is terrified to let go.

"Okay" John tells Rodney, "We're going to make this."

They run as fast as they can though doomed hallways, back to lift, and up the unshielded areas of the base. They are both panting and sweating profusely by time they make their way to original level.

When they hear the sounds of weapons fire nearby, they slow their approach

"They're here." Rodney draws his weapon.

John checks the forward passage, "Clear. How much time do we have?"

"43 seconds"

They make to the ruined section of the hallway where the rest of the team is making a stand, shooting at the encroaching hybrids.

Ronan yells to John, "They're trying to disable the self-destruct"

The team continues to fire. And suddenly the siren stops blaring.

"Scratch that." Daniel tells them, "They have disabled the self-destruct."

"Rodney?" John yells.

"18 seconds." He answers.

"Base this is Sheppard, we need immediate evac... Base, come in?"

Impatiently pressing his lips together, John tries again, "Base, we need immediate transport for 7. Please respond!"

The chaos of the battle with Hyrids suddenly disappears and they are all back in the quiet SMA lab.

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	147. Some blood work issues

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"Oh. Thank God!" Rodney exclaims. He turns to look at his teammates. Everyone seems fine, except Carson has his foot in a bandage and is limping slightly.

And John still has that child plastered to his chest.

One of the technicians questions them, "Who'd you bring back?"

"Refugee from an Earth that is being overrun by Hybrids." John pats the boy's back, "Name's Wyatt."

An attending medical technician steps forward and offers to take him, "Think you might want to come with me Wyatt?"

The boy tightens his grip on John and whimpers, "No."

"That's the first word I've heard him say." John tells her.

"Still" she tells John, "I need to check him out medically. Protocol for all alien contact."

"Well," John keeps holding the boy, "I think we can do that back at Atlantis. We're all a little anxious to get checked out, especially the doc here."

"Yes, yes. We're all very tired." Rodney tries to sounds authoritative, "Let's get the decontamination protocols over with back on Atlantis."

John doesn't wait for permission, "Atlantis this is Sheppard, we are ready to be beamed back for immediate decontamination protocol."

"Copy Sheppard, stand by."

Shooing the medical technician out of the area, John tells her, "You might want to stand back unless you want a free ride to Atlantis."

In another flash of white, they are in the Atlantis infirmary. Jennifer's smiling face comes into focus in front of him.

"Welcome back gang... Oh! Who do we have here?"

"This is Wyatt." John steps forward, "Refugee from an Earth overrun by Michael's hybrids."

"Hey there, Wyatt." Jennifer reaches out affectionately to try to take him in her arms, "My name's Jennifer and I'm going to make sure you didn't get hurt or anything."

Wyatt keeps his face buried in John's neck and doesn't respond.

"He's been through a lot" John whispers.

She steps back, "Okay, you all know the drill. Everyone get to a bed and I'll have a technician check your blood work... Whoa, Carson what happened to your foot?"

"Just a wee sprain. I'll be alright."

Jennifer shakes her head at him, "Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"

"You know ever since you've come back to work part-time, I'm been getting an awful lot of sass from you." Carson complains.

Steering a wheelchair his way, Jennifer laughs, "I'll sass as much as I need to get you off that foot. Now, down boy." She points to the chair.

Carson gives in and lets Jennifer wheel him away to get a scan.

Following John, Rodney gets onto a gurney next to him. John positions himself with some difficultly with the kid still clinging to him for dear life.

One of the technicians takes Rodney's blood sample and then moves on to John. She frowns apologetically as John awkwardly tries to offer a free arm.

When she has finished drawing his blood she looks at him inquisitively, "I'm going to need to get one from him too" Nodding towards Wyatt.

Sensing his help might be needed, Rodney sits up off his bed.

"Hey, Wyatt?" John pets the kid's head, "This nice lady's going to take you now. Do you think go with her?"

Rodney sees the boy's grip tighten around John's neck, he looks so terrified. Assuming his face might be familiar, Rodney perches on the side of John's bed and touches the boy's arm, "Hey, there. I could, uh, hold your arm for you, while the nice lady takes your blood?"

Wyatt turns his head to peer at Rodney.

"We both just did it and we're fine. See?" Rodney shows him his own arm, pointing at the cotton taped over the pin prick, "It doesn't really hurt."

The boy's expression is fearful and wavering; he bites his lip and slowly unwraps one of his arms from John's neck and offers it to Rodney.

Rodney awkwardly takes ahold of his hand and smiles at him confidently, "See, I knew you were brave."

The corners of Wyatt's mouth turn up, almost into a smile.

The technician mouths silently 'Thank you' to Rodney.

As the technician pierces his arm, Wyatt keeps his eyes locked with Rodney's. He winces and blinks, looking to Rodney for reassurance.

"That's good. You're doing real good." Rodney squeezes Wyatt's hand, "Almost done."

"Yep." The technician confirms, "All finished. I'm just going to give you a Band-Aid."

Once the technician leaves, Wyatt moves his other arm away from John's neck, twisting and reaching his arms out for Rodney.

"Oh." Rodney looks to John anxiously, "Okay. So, he wants me to hold him?"

John smiles and moves to make more room for Rodney on the narrow bed, " It's easy. He'll do all the work."

"Okay." Rodney sits further onto the bed uncertain of what to do next. Wyatt slides easily into his lap and buries his face against Rodney's neck, holding onto him tightly. Rodney can feel his little chest rising and falling against his. His breath seems ragged and irregular. The child seems so vulnerable and lost.

Rodney tries to think of something to say that would make a child feel better, "It's okay, uh, it's all going to be okay now."

But Wyatt seems to be getting worse not better. He is sniffling and whining now.

"Oh. Oh." Feeling out of his depth, Rodney looks to John, "I think I'm doing something wrong."

Reaching over to pet the boy's shoulder, John shakes his head, "I just think he's been through a lot. You're doing fine, I think he just needs someone to hold him right now."

Rodney frowns as he feels Wyatt's chest start to heave, he is crying in earnest now. Trying to sound comforting, Rodney rubs his back and repeats himself, "It's okay. It's okay now."

Suddenly, Wyatt speaks in small choked voice, "Are they still coming for us?"

"No, no, no. They're all gone now. I promise, you're safe and no one's going to hurt you." Rodney tells him.

Wyatt sobs into Rodney's shoulder; it's heartbreaking to see the child so scared so Rodney tries to soothe him by petting his head. The boy lifts his teary face and looks at Rodney beseechingly, "I-I t-thought you were... dead too. After Dad died... I... I...I thought I was the only one left."

Then Wyatt collapses back into Rodney's shoulder sobbing.

"Shhh... Shhh... It's okay. I'm here. You're not alone. You're safe now." The boy's father may be gone, but no need to tell him that the Rodney he knew from another universe has died as well.

He pats Wyatt's back, rocking him and repeating his reassurancs. Eventually the sobs begin to lessen and Wyatt seems to cry him himself out. His sleepy head rests on Rodney's shoulder and he pets the boy's mop of loose dark curls, brushing them away from his damp face.

When it seems like Wyatt has fallen asleep, John helps move him gingerly out of Rodney's arms and lay him down on the bed. Rodney pushes the stray hair away from the boy's face and while John pulls a blanket over him.

"He should be okay now, right?" Rodney asks.

"We should have somebody come look after him," John whispers, "Wouldn't want him to wake up by himself."

Rodney nods, "I wonder if it will make a difference..." he muses.

"The bomb?" John asks.

"Yeah. Will destroying the gate make enough of a difference? Keep Michael's hybrids from enslaving the entire planet?"

"I'm going to tell myself it did." John answers. "One thing we know for sure, Michael won't be getting his hands on the technology that could allow him to travel to other dimensions. That was the real threat -to us anyway."

Rodney wonders if it's possible that kid could be one of the only survivors from a world destroyed due to a set of circumstances they nearly avoided. All because John got thrown forward in time 48,000 years and got the information on where to find Teyla...

"I guess it was a good thing we didn't... end up being together sooner." Rodney thinks, "Could have ruined the universe."

"How?" John gives him a quizzical look.

"Well, you came back from the Genii scouting mission unscathed… I'm assuming we finished what you started before you left... I mean, we found each other but we lost Teyla's baby, Ronan, and everything else."

Thoughtful, John pauses for minute, "It was the solar flare. The flare didn't happen in that reality and that ruined everything, not us." He looks at Rodney intently.

"You're right." Rodney nods, "Not our fault."

Jennifer steps up to the bed interrupting their somber conversation. She opens her mouth then closes it, looking oddly at the two of them.

"Everything okay?" John asks.

"You guys are fine... Um..." Jennifer shakes her head, "I just need to... talk to the two of you about some blood work issues..."

"What is it?" John gets impatient.

"Maybe we should speak privately." Jennifer glances at the boy.

Rodney and John exchange a look. "Somebody should look after him." Rodney explains, "He shouldn't be alone when he wakes up."

"Of course" Jennifer calls the technician who took his blood back and the three of them leave the main infirmary, settling into a private medical room.

Tapping her medical pad nervously, Jennifer begins, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I've run the blood work several times to be sure. I'm not even sure how this is possible..."

"Jennifer." John makes a face. "Spit it out, are we dying or what?"

"Okay" She exhales, "That boy out there? Well, he's a match genetically to both of you."

"Meaning what exactly?" Rodney's forehead crinkles in confusion.

"Well," Jennifer continues, "Biologically, he's your son."

"Mine?" Rodney blinks in shock.

"Both of yours."

"Are sure there wasn't some kind of mix-up?" John rubs his neck and squints at her.

"I'm sure." Jennifer tells him, "I wanted to be positive before I said anything."

"How is that..." Rodney trails off.

"Look," Jennifer points to her tablet and pulls a screen, "the only clue I could find is a strange inert protein in the culture. It's the same marker that Bjorn and Vanadis have in their blood work. I'm thinking-"

"-The genetics lab" John cuts her off.

"McKay said something about that." Rodney recalls, "He said they found it around the time Teyla went missing... Maybe they accidently..."

"Why do you assume it was an accident?" Jennifer asks.

"We weren't together yet," Rodney reasons, "or rather they weren't. It would have been just before they got together."

"How could you know when they got together?" Jennifer asks.

"Just pieced it together from things McKay said." Rodney explains.

"Why wouldn't he tell us about this?" John asks to no one in particular.

"Maybe he was worried about how you would react?" Jennifer shrugs, "Did he know about the two of you?"

"No. Still..." John shakes his head, staring blankly. Then he fumbles with a chair behind him, falling into it in a stupor.

Rodney's heart is bursting with strange new emotions, excitement, protectiveness, responsibility, overwhelm, fear, and sadness...

Sadness for McKay as he remembers his dying words, begging John to save Wyatt, his son. His hand covers his mouth with the enormity of this revelation, his words muffled through his fingers, "Oh my God."

"I can imagine this is quite a shock." Jennifer looks at both of them with empathy, "Nothing that either of you have to make a decision about right now."

"Decision?" John looks up at her.

"Well..." Jennifer looks flustered, "Obviously, I mean, there are a lot of options to explore concerning his future care. I know this isn't something you signed up for and I don't want you to feel-"

John starts from his chair, "You mean, like we wouldn't want him?"

"He's our son!" Rodney exclaims, "We-we're his parents. How would we not want him?"

Jennifer backpedals, "I didn't mean, I was just trying to... I had no idea how you were going to take this."

"It's a shock, but we'll be okay. I-I think I want to go to him." John stands up.

Rodney clasps John's hand feeling a rush of solidarity. They quickly find themselves back at Wyatt's bedside gazing down at him in wonder.

"Our son..." John speaks loudly.

"Shh. You'll wake him up." Rodney speaks in a hushed tone.

"I see it now, in his face" John whispers, "He has your cheekbones, the same soft hair."

Rodney nods seeing John's features in the boy, "But your hair color, oval face... my God, he's beautiful."

"He really is." John shakes his head in amazement, "Where does the curly hair come from?"

"Must be a recessive trait. My hair is wavy, but Jeanie has the curls. He looks like he's going to be tall too. Pretty tall for being only 5 years old."

"Hey guys." Ronan comes traipsing up to them noisily, "You about ready to get outta here?"

"SHHH!" Rodney hisses at him.

"What?" Ronan lowers his voice to a whisper.

"We're trying not to wake him up." John says in a hushed tone.

"Is the kid going to be okay?" Ronan asks.

John and Rodney exchange a look. Then John speaks, "We just found out that, uh, he's our son."

Ronan rears his head back in confusion, "Huh?"

Rodney tries to explain briefly, "The machine that, well, gave birth to Vanadis and Bjorn... In that reality, it gave birth to our son, Wyatt."

"Wow." Ronan accepts the simple explanation with an astonished smile, "Now you guys are going to know what it's like to be me. Well, almost. I have twice the trouble." He looks to Rodney then John grinning widely.

"You can head home without us. Just tell the rest of the team what's going on and that we might be a while." John tells him.

"What should I tell them?"

"Just tell them what's going on, what we told you." Rodney answers.

Ronan nods before ducking out.

Then the two of them are alone with their son again, admiring him together and reveling in their newly found parental pride. Their private enjoyment is short lived though, Vala and Daniel comes tiptoeing in with elated expressions.

"Of course he's your son, look at him, he's gorgeous." Vala leans over the sleeping child.

"Congratulations you two." Daniel squeezes Rodney's shoulder.

Vala purrs. "It's like he's the perfect combination of John and Rodney. Can you see it in his face?"

Daniel joins Vala for a closer look, "Wow. He really does... look just like them."

Ronan comes back in with Carson who is hobbling on crutches.

Carson makes his way to John's side of the bed, where there is some room to inspect the newfound treasure. "I have to see this. Oh my God. Look at the wee lad. He's the most adorable thing I've ever seen."

Rodney is worried that all the commotion is going to wake Wyatt up, but he can't stop himself from grinning. He sees Wyatt stirring and reaches down to take his hand.

Wyatt's eyes blink open slowly, then go wide at all the faces gathered around. His big blue-green eyes are such a beautiful hue, a mixture of both John and Rodney's eye colors. They look up to Rodney for reassurance.

Smiling, Rodney squeezes the small hand in his, "It's okay, these are all people who are excited to meet you." Rodney turns to his left, "This is Vala and Daniel-"

"I know Vala and Daniel." the small voice speaks up.

"Okay, well, that's Ronan, and over there Carson"

"Really happy to meet you buddy" Ronan reaches out a friendly paw.

Wyatt meekly reaches out his free hand and shakes a couple of Ronan's fingers.

"I am truly honored to meet you" Carson beams, shaking his hand next.

Ruffling Wyatt's hair, Daniel tells him, "We're really glad your home with us."

Vala looks like she can't contain her emotion; she kneels down and wraps her arms around their son. Wyatt lets go of Rodney's hand and embraces her warmly.

"Oh darling, we are going to have much fun together." She promises.

When Vala stands back up, Rodney can see that Wyatt is smiling a little, he seems comfortable now and less afraid. Rodney feels so much love bursting in his chest, he just wants to take Wyatt in his arms and never let go.

John must be feeling the same way because he leans down and scoops Wyatt into his arms. Wyatt melts into him, wrapping his arms and legs around John like a little monkey.

"Are we all medically cleared to leave?" John asks Carson.

"I don't know." he confesses.

"I'll find out." Ronan says, taking his leave.

As Rodney thinks about bringing Wyatt home, his heart beats with excitement. Suddenly he is worried, wondering if they are prepared. They don't even have clothes for him to wear.

What else does a child need? Then he remembers that Teyla's son, Torren is nearly the same age. She will know what to do. Rodney looks around at his surrogate family so grateful to have them all.

Ronan walks back up to the bed, "Jennifer says we're good to go."

"Thank God" Rodney sighs. This has been one of the most emotionally intense days of his life. All he wants to do is curl up in bed with John. ...And Wyatt... What does a kid even eat? He hopes they have something he will want for dinner.

"Control, this is Sheppard. Team is ready for beam-out."

"Copy Sheppard. Locking onto your signals. Stand by."

A flash of light brings them all into the Solaris courtyard. Rodney breathes in the sweet garden air as the setting sun casts a hazy orange hue over the California sky. He thinks of Jeanie, he has to tell Jeanie... but the stronger instinct to take Wyatt upstairs and make him feel safe and nestled in.

"Hey," Rodney speaks to the group at large, "do you think you guys could do something for me? Can you tell Dave, Jeanie, and Teyla what's going on? I want to have some time to get Wyatt settled in, I don't want him to be too overwhelmed. But maybe ask Teyla of she can bring some clothes and stuff... Maybe Torren could come too? He's about the same age."

His friends quickly assure him that they will take care of it. Rodney thanks them profusely and follows John up the stairs. As they get into the house, Rodney can tell that John is as unsure of what to do next as he is.

"Maybe we sit in the den?" Rodney suggests "We could see what he wants to eat..."

John walks over to the couches and sits down, Rodney quickly joins his side, sitting as close as he can to Wyatt. He needs to touch him, to make sure he all right. Rodney strokes his back, his heart bursting with love. Wyatt must feel it because he loosens his grip around John's neck and turns to smile at Rodney.

Petting his head softly, Rodney speaks with the newfound tenderness that has sprung up in his heart, "We're home."

Wyatt turns to look at John, then back to Rodney. His faltering smile widens.

"Do you want something to eat?" John rubs his back, "Do want to see the house?"

Wyatt nods.

"Which one?" Rodney asks.

"Both."

"All right" John lifts Wyatt up and sets his feet down on the floor, "Why don't you show him around, Mere. I'll see what I can find to eat."

John stands up and begins to walks towards the kitchen, but Wyatt grabs John's hand in panic.

"No, please, please don't go." He looks ready to burst into tears again.

Immediately John folds to his knees and takes Wyatt in his arms, "I won't. I won't go."

John looks at Rodney from over Wyatt's shoulder with emotional eyes. Rodney rushes to both of them, bending on his knees and hugging them both protectively.

"In this family" John announces, "There is a lot of hugging."

Wyatt's hands reach up to John's face, his palms on John's cheeks and his face brightly grinning, "That's what you always say!"

A bit dumbfounded, John smiles at them both, "Well... Good. That's what I say... because that's how it is in this family."

Rodney bites his lip trying not to laugh over the sheer absurdity and perfection of the moment. John's eyes sparkle with mischief but he is trying to keep a believable serious face.

Suddenly Wyatt suddenly pushes free from them both, staring across the house and through the open door of the bedroom, "BINKY!"

He takes off running toward the sleeping cat on the end of the bed. By the time Wyatt's momentum has taken him to the end of the bed, Binky has leapt from his perch and is hightailing it back across the house, making a beeline for the cat door.

Wyatt runs after him in futility, sliding to his knees and peering out the flap at the bottom of the door "Noooo. Binky! Wait. Come back."

He turns to look at John and Rodney, "Why does he always run away? I love him so much."

"Oh." Rodney walks over to him takes his hand, "Well, I'm sure he loves you, too. He's just a bit… fussy."

John joins them and takes Wyatt's other hand. Together they lead around him, explaining the various rooms. When they take him upstairs Wyatt's eyes get wide seeing all the toys and games.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Rodney asks.

Wyatt nods enthusiastically.

"This could be your room if you like it up here." John gestures to the double bed at the far end.

Looking as if he is carefully considering the matter, Wyatt gets a small furrow on his brow. He stays silent.

"Only if you like it." John adds.

Taking a breath and holding it in, Wyatt finally exhales, "Could it be my bedroom... sometimes? I mean, could I sometimes... Could I tonight, could I, stay in your room?"

"Of course!" Rodney's heart melts and he bends down to hug his child, "Of course you can."

John's arms are right there with him, "See? I told you there were lots of hugs in this family."

.  
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	148. There's lots of hugging in this family

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When they take Wyatt up to 3rd floor, he is spellbound by the hideaway, staring up at the vaulted ceiling.

"Sometimes we come up here to watch the stars at night." Rodney tells him.

"Do you have a telescope?" Wyatt looks excited.

"Yes, we do" Rodney smiles.

"Can I see it?"

"Well," Rodney looks up at the sky, "it's not really dark enough to see anything."

"Papa, please."

Luckily John is already taking it out of the cupboard because Rodney's heart has just skipped a beat. This feeling of love is like nothing he felt before; it is the grandest thing he's ever felt. He... Wyatt just called him 'Papa'. How can anything compare to that?

Spellbound, he watches as John sets up the telescope and lets Wyatt examine it. Watching the two of them together makes heart soar higher still... Sharing this with John... this is the most exquisite thing that's ever happened to him. It all feels so fragile and sweet, he wants to nurture and protect what they all have together.

As he gazes at his… his family, Rodney feels a wetness collecting in the corners of his eyes. But his sentimental reverie is interrupted as he hears the sound of someone calling downstairs.

It sounds like Jeanie's voice. Oh, oh. He can't wait to introduce her.

"Wyatt, I think your Aunt Jeanie is here... Do you want to come downstairs and see her?"

Letting go of the telescope, Wyatt smiles, "She's here?"

"Let's all go down together." John puts the telescope back up.

But Wyatt is too eager, he races down ahead of them. John and Rodney are still coming down the first floor staircase by the time they hear Wyatt call out, "Auntie Jeanie! I haven't seen you in so long. Uncle Kaleb, Madison. –how did you get here?"

As Rodney enters the room, Jeanie is laughing, "We all live here. In a house close by. Oh my God, will you look at you!"

"Mere. John..." She shakes her head in wonder and looks up at Rodney then looks back down to Wyatt, "Would it be okay if I hugged you?"

"Yeah," Wyatt shrugs, "there's a lot of hugging in this family."

"Oh my God." Jeanie pulls her hand over her mouth, muffling her exclamation; she looks at Rodney with helpless delight, then reaches down and clutches his son to her chest. "You're going to get to see all of us a lot more often. I'm so happy..."

Jeanie looks to Rodney, unsure of what to say... "We're all so happy you're here."

Madison steps forward to give Wyatt a shy handshake, "It's cool to have a real cousin. I mean, all of us here call each cousins but I guess you're my real cousin."

"There are other cousins here?" Wyatt asks.

"Yeah, there's 6, well, 7 now that you're here. And even more Aunts and Uncles. It's good cause you get a lot of presents on your birthday and Christmas. When's your birthday?"

"June 11"

"That's good, I don't have get you a present right away."

"Madison!" Jeanie exclaims.

"I just mean I have time to figure out what he likes."

"Come on in guys," John gestures to the couches, "take a seat, relax."

"Actually, Madison and I were just about to make dinner," Kaleb turns to Jeanie, "But sweetie you stay as long as you want, dinner will ready when you get home."

Madison sticks out her tongue and makes a face for Wyatt's benefit, "Mmm Tofu... Caaaaan't wait." She rolls he eyes and Wyatt laughs.

"If they ever invite you to our house for dinner," she whispers, "say no."

"Madison." Kalab sounds unamused, "Let's go."

"See you later cuz!" Madison waves on her way out.

Just as two of them are leaving, Teyla comes up the stairs with some much appreciated dinner, Torren is with her, carrying a couple of bags.

"Ah!" John sighs, "I smell something delicious -Thank you so much Teyla!"

Torren sets down his bags and sizes Wyatt up. Teyla bends to her knees and takes his head in her hands, gently touches her forehead to his, "I am so honored to meet you, Wyatt."

"Thank you. Rodney tells Teyla as he helps her get the food set up in the kitchen , "Thank you. Thank you. I have no idea what kind of kid stuff I'm supposed to have, or even what to do really. I'm relying completely on your expertise here."

"Oh Rodney" she smiles, "it's not too hard, feed 'em food, brush their teeth, get 'em ready for bed. Oh. And don't drop them on their heads."

"Ha ha, Very funny"

While he and Teyla get the food out, he hears Wyatt and Torren talking.

" I'm six. How old are you? "

"Five" Wyatt answers shyly, "So you're one of the kids that lives here?"

"Yeah. Me and Madison are the oldest. She's 12, so she usually plays with Jinto and other Athosians from the village. But me and Ara hang out a lot, she's almost 5. If you want, you can hang out us... 'cause Tyre, Bjorn, and Vanadis are all babies."

Wyatt nods eagerly, "I could show you some really cool toys upstairs." And the two of them race up the staircase.

John moves to go after them but Teyla waves him back, "Let them play, they'll be fine. Torren is so excited to have another boy his age here."

"Oh my gosh," Jeanie unwraps the dishes of food, "this isn't all for tonight is it?"

"No, no." Teyla points out a couple of containers, "These are for tonight, the rest is just to help tide them over through the transition."

"Thank you so much Teyla." Rodney gushes.

"Of course, let me show you what else I brought," She pulls open the bags, "I have a lot of hand me downs here, I'm sure it will be enough until Wyatt is able to get some new clothes. In here, I've got toiletries, various supplies...But, if there's something he needs that isn't here, just ask."

The sounds of shrieking and running feet pound on the floor upstairs. Rodney lifts his eyebrows and looks at John.

"Don't worry Mere, that's completely normal" Jeanie reassures.

"Especially for boys" Telya smiles "Yelling, loud noises, no problem. Now, if someone starts crying, that's another story."

Jeanie puts some of the food in the refrigerator and begins serving up plates of the meat stew and roasted vegetables.

"You going to stay for dinner, Jeanie?" Rodney asks.

"Hardy har. Mere. I'll help you set up your carnivorous meal, but I won't joining you."

"Smells good though doesn't it?" Rodney teases.

A voice from the door answers, "Smells great! I'll join you."

"Dave!" John walks over to give his big brother a hug.

"Is it true?" Dave shakes John excitedly, "Am I really an Uncle?"

"I can hardly believe myself." John shakes his head grinning in disbelief, "But it's true."

"Where is he?"

John points to the ceiling as the sounds of yelling and feet pounding continue across the ceiling.

Teyla smiles, "Wyatt and Torren are getting acquainted. Want to stay for dinner?"

"Absolutely." Dave grins. He moves over to Rodney and gives him a warm hug, "You doing okay with this, brother?"

Rodney likes it when Dave calls him that; it has always made him feel like he is part of John's family, "Oh, more than okay. Are you kidding? I'm thrilled. Just wait till you meet him."

"Looking forward to that." Dave grins.

Jeanie helps everyone set up dinner in the den, making little tables out of the ottomans. It's a little hodge-podge but it works, enough room for 6 plates.

"We need to get a bigger table." John observes.

"Mere." Jeanie puts her arm around Rodney, "I'm gonna head home now... But I'm so happy for you. I can't wait spend more time together, all of us, as family."

She kisses him on the cheek and waves the rest of them, "Goodnight John, Dave, Teyla. See ya in the morning"

"'Night" Rodney smiles affectionately.

"Now's the part where you get to call them down for dinner." Teyla tells them.

Rodney and John both stand awkwardly, unsure of what to do.

"Like this," Teyla illustrates, "Torren! Dinner!"

John calls out "Wyatt!"

Two little sets of running feet make their way down to the main floor.

Wyatt balks when he sees their new visitor, "Uncle Dave!" He charges forward and throws his arms around Dave's legs.

Dave looks over whelmed, placing his hands gingerly on the boys shoulders, "Oh, wow."

He leans forward slowly bending his knees to the ground. Wyatt loosens his grip and allows Dave to take him by the shoulders, holding him just far enough away to look at his face. Dave gasps lightly, "Whoa."

"What?" Wyatt asks.

"I'm just so happy to see you, I wanted to look at you and... you look so much like your father."

"Papa or Dad?"

"I'm Dad." John explains.

Shaking his head softly, Dave smiles sweetly at his nephew, "I was thinking of your Dad, how much you look like our side of the family, but really I see both. You look like them both."

"I really missed you." Wyatt frowns a little and sounds wistful.

"I've missed you too," Dave wraps his arms around Wyatt and pulls him close, "I'm so glad your home."

He holds him tight for some time and Wyatt seems happy to stay folded in his arms, hugging him back fiercely.

From over Wyatt's shoulder, Dave looks up at John and Rodney in astonishment, "I'm an Uncle."

Wyatt leans back and looks at Dave affectionately, "My favorite Uncle."

"Did you hear that?" Dave's face lights up with an earsplitting grin.

"Uh, Wyatt," Rodney begins, "Don't let your Uncle Kaleb hear that."

Looking to Rodney innocently, Wyatt answers simply, "Okay."

"It will be our secret." Dave brushes back some of Wyatt's floppy curls from his eyes.

Torren pipes up, "Now that you're here, you'll have lots of Uncles. Uncle Ronan, Uncle Carson, Uncle Daniel, my Dad too."

Dave stands up and takes Wyatt's hand, leading him the dinner tables. "Still" Dave jokes, "There can be only one favorite."

As they sit for supper, Rodney sits next to his son. John is gracious and lets Dave sit on the other side of Wyatt, sitting next to his brother instead.

It is hard for Rodney to want to do anything other than stare at Wyatt in amazement, but he lets the boy settle in. It seems to be normalizing for Wyatt, he seems to be feeling comfortable now, laughing and making faces across the table at Torren.

Rodney attempts to focus on the conversation with John, Dave and Teyla but half of his attention stays with son, watching out of the corner of eye to make sure everything is okay. Eventually, the two conversations merge into a delightful whirl of boyish enthusiasm and silly humor.

Rodney can't believe he hasn't spoken with Torren or the other kids like this before. He has always been sweet to them, but he's never really spent time immersed in their world before. He is fluttery and happy, so... fulfilled. He thinks he must finally understand how Jeanie feels.

As the evening winds down, Dave and Teyla help them clean up the kitchen, then say their goodbyes. Rodney starts to feel a little nervous. Okay, Wyatt has eaten. Now he needs what? A shower? A bath?

Is this the kind of thing Wyatt normally does alone? Rodney sorts the clothes in the bag from Teyla and picks out some loose cotton pants and a T-Shirt that seem like pajamas. He smiles at John and Wyatt as they race around the room, playing with the remote ATV cars.

"Hey, uh, Wyatt" Rodney calls out, "I got some, well, I think they're pajamas. What do you say we get ready for bed?"

Wyatt groans but hands his remote John.

"This is for you." Rodney lifts the toothbrush in his hand, "Let me show the bathroom."

Wyatt skips over to Rodney and takes the toothbrush like it is the most natural thing in the world. They use the downstairs bathroom since the one upstairs has nothing in it but toilet paper.

"It's big" Wyatt says, looking around the room.

"Yeah. There's a big bathtub and a shower." Rodney grabs a towel from the shelf, "big fluffy towels."

He sets the pajamas down on sauna bench and grabs the bottle of body wash from the high shower ledge. When he turns around, Wyatt has stripped, leaving his clothes in a messy pile on the floor. He steps into the shower, lifting on his tip-toes to reach the shower handle.

"Here. Here. Let me help you." Rodney turns the water on and makes sure it the right temperature. Wyatt lifts up his hand expectantly, Rodney blinks for a minute then realizes he wants the bath wash.

Wyatt seems to be used to doing this himself, so Rodney sits down on the bench examining the garments. They will need to get him some of his own, take him shopping. He's so for out of his depth. Wow. He's going to need help with this... Vala is probably good at shopping. Maybe she can help...

The sound of water shutting off pulls Rodney's attention back to the present moment. Okay, that was fast, maybe too fast. Should he be making sure Wyatt washed behind his ears or something? He grabs the towel and steps forward to wrap it around his son. Wyatt seems to like being snuggled inside the big towel, he smiles up him as Rodney ruffles his arms.

Instinctually, He pulls up the top of the towel to dry Wyatt's hair. His squeezes the towel and rubs his head until it feels dry, then he pulls the towel tight around Wyatt's arms, smiling at him with love. Wyatt looks back up at him with John's long lashes, his sweet little face full of love in return.

"Okay," Rodney thinks of his next fatherly duties, "you dry enough for your pajamas?"

Wyatt nods and Rodney gets his clothes. While Wyatt puts them on, he gets the toothbrush ready for him, placing the paste on it and wetting it. He hands to Wyatt and pours a glass of water.

Oh wait. Is he supposed to be watching to make sure Wyatt brushes properly? Rodney peers at him. He seems to be doing a thorough job. After a moment Wyatt looks at him with a mouthful of paste.

Oh. Right. Rodney sets the glass down and steps aside so Wyatt can reach the sink. Their son is pretty tall for his age but Rodney helps lifts up him anyway. Then he hands him the glass to rinse. This time Wyatt reaches for the sink himself. After he spits it out he turns around, looking to Rodney for approval.

"Great job." Rodney's eyes crinkle as he marvels at how adorable his son is, "Let's go show... Dad."

Just then John walks in, already changed into boxers and a T-shirt.

"Look who's ready for bed." Rodney says strangely feeling proud of what he and Wyatt have just accomplished.

"Wow. You clean up good." John ruffles Wyatt's clean hair.

.  
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	149. Can I have an Antihydrogen Beam?

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As John leans over the sink to brush his teeth, Wyatt reaches out his hand and clutches the cloth at the side of John's shorts. He holds onto it like he is afraid to let go.

When John finishes up he bends down, "Hey buddy."

Wyatt reaches his arms out and John swoops him up and holds him close. His little head rests sleepily on John's shoulder. It is a darling sight.

"I'll take him to bed. You finish up." John whispers.

When Rodney has finished brushing his own teeth and changing into his bed clothes, he stops breathless at the sight of his family snuggled up on the bed. John is holding Wyatt onto his chest and petting his little head. Wyatt is curled into John, one of his hands tightly gripping John's T-Shirt.

As Rodney gets onto his side of bed, Wyatt lifts his head drowsily, "Papa". One of his hand reaches back to hold onto Rodney's shirt.

Knowing that Wyatt must be suffering from some confusion and abandonment issues right now, Rodney nestles in as close as he possible can. Wyatt is now draped over the two of them, his head is still on John's shoulder. And as tired as he must be, Wyatt doesn't seem to want to release either of them from his grip.

Rodney holds himself in this position, trying not to move in any way that could disrupt Wyatt. It should be more uncomfortable than it is. But it is actually heavenly. Nestled into the happiest place he's ever been, tangled up with his... his family.

He lifts his head up a bit and catches John's eye in the moonlight. The two them grin at each other. He can tell that John is as completely awake and excited as he is. They stay quiet so that Wyatt can fall asleep, but they grin and whisper to each other in nearly inaudible voices.

"Can you believe this?" Rodney whispers.

'I know!' John silently mouths.

"SO cute."

"So, so perfect" John whispers.

"I'm freaking out." Rodney confesses.

John nods then gives him a questioning look.

"Good freaking out... So good." Rodney explains.

"He's so wonderful." John sighs.

"I just love him so much." Rodney nods, "How is it possible to love him so much already?"

'It's know..." John squeezes his eyes shut momentarily, "it's crazy..."

"We should at least try to sleep'" John whispers. They exchange knowing looks.

Rodney sighs and nods, then lightly kisses Wyatt's cheek, letting his head relax back onto the crowded pillow. As tight it is, it feels to Rodney that he could never close enough. He closes his eyes, drifting into dreamy half-conscious state.

Throughout the night he feels Wyatt turn, enveloping his arms around Rodney's neck. John rolls over and covers them both with a protective arm. It is so peaceful and sweet, sleeping next to them both, feeling the comfort of their closeness all wrapped up together. He feels his conscious mind slipping away, drifting into the world of dreams.

Sometime late into the night, Rodney starts awake. Something is wrong. Wyatt is shaking... crying with arms clinging to Rodney's neck.

"Oh, no. No, no. It's okay" Rodney hugs the boy close and pets his head, "What's wrong?"

Wyatt continues to cry, pushing his face into Rodney's neck.

Rodney sways his hand lovingly across his son's back, murmuring reassurances, "It's going to be okay... It's okay... I've got you."

"I don't want to go alone." Wyatt whimpers, "I want to stay with you. Please don't leave me again!"

"Oh no, no. No-no-no-no. I'm not going to leave you. We aren't ever going leave you I promise" Rodney hears John stirring. He is rolling over with concern in his eyes. Rodney looks up at him anxiously, as he tries to comfort his child.

John places a hand on the back his son's head, petting him softy.

"We aren't ever going to leave him, are we?" Rodney prompts John.

"No. We're not. We're a family now." John's firmly. He bends down and kisses Wyatt's head, smoothing his hair back from his tearstained face.

Worrying about John's use of the word 'now', Rodney keeps rubbing Wyatt's back. Is it going to confuse Wyatt further? God knows, he must be having a hard enough time trying to figure out what's going on... After what happened to his real parents...

With the two of them ministering love and affection, together they are able to calm Wyatt again. He gradually releases his hold on Rodney slides onto his back. He seems to feels safe sandwiched in between them like this.

"You're safe now." John pets his brow, "We're all safe here in Solaris. That's what we call this place... because it's so magical."

"And safe?" Wyatt asks.

"Yes. Most of all safe." John smiles. "And this place is filled with love, lots of love-"

"And hugs?"

"Lots of those too." John smiles at him tenderly.

"We love you so much." Rodney reaches for Wyatt's hand, "We will always protect you and take care of you and love you, because, well, we love you and, we just love you so much."

Rodney feels an overwhelming urge to take Wyatt in his arms and squeeze him tight but he looks so peaceful right now, a sleepy smile on his face, his lids starting to droop. John lies back down on his side but keeps petting Wyatt's head. Rodney holds onto his boy's hand lets himself relax too. He feels John's foot rubbing up against his leg and smiles. Rodney rubs his own foot along John's calf as a reply, returning the endearment.

.  
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* * *

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John feels something on his face and his eyes flutter open. Above him, Wyatt stares down at him, resting a hand on John's cheek. He has a pensive and serious expression on his youthful face.

"Hey. Good morning." John speaks gently.

A small frown appears on Wyatt's brow and lips purse, "You're not my Dad are you?"

"I..." John isn't sure how to answer this, "I am..."

The way he says it sounds more uncertain that intended it. "Uh, it's hard to explain... but I am."

"You're different." Wyatt sighs, still touching John's face as if he is trying to figure out whether or not he is real, "You're from, from the other place, the parallel place."

"How do you know..." John blinks in surprise, "about the parallel place?"

"Papa explained to me."

"Of course" John laughs, "He would explain parallel dimensions to a 5 year old."

"I'll be 6 in 5 months." Wyatt cocks his head.

"Wow." John tries to sound impressed, "Only 5 months. That's less than a year, isn't it?"

Wyatt peers at him like he is stupid. It reminds him exactly of the patronizing and disappointed look on Rodney's face when John didn't know Julie Newmar was the original Catwoman. He has the feeling that Wyatt is probably a lot smarter than the average 5 year old.

"You're a lot like your Papa aren't you?"

"You always say that but he says I'm like you." Wyatt smiles and curls his fingers a little into the side of John's face.

It is so strange to have this little person here kneeling over him. Someone he never met before yesterday... but now his life would seem incomplete without him. The love he feels for Rodney is compounded, a part of this new person somehow.

And John's heart was so full before he had a son, but now it is has grown to a massive size, barely enough to contain this new joy. A joy that his life would never be complete without now.

He reaches his hand up to Wyatt's face, reciprocating the gesture. Tentatively, he asks, "So, how are you like me?"

Before answering Wyatt looks at him thoughtfully, "I'm tall and funny, good at sports and.. and the way I smile, and..."

Gazing at his son, John realizes that he does has have that Sheppard smile, his lips.

"But you're not my real Dad?" Wyatt presses.

John's stomach sinks. He is Wyatt's real Dad now and he is never letting him go. He doesn't want to lie to his son... But how can he tell him the truth?

"'Cause you died before." Wyatt explains.

"I did?" John whispers, dropping his hand back to his side.

The little hand on his cheek stays pressed there. Wyatt nods gravely, "I never..." His voice chokes up, "ever thought I'd see you again."

Wyatt curls down pressing his face against John's chest.

As he wraps his arms around Wyatt's small frame, John's heart aches. "Listen to me. I may not be the same Dad you knew, but I love you just as much. You're my son and I'm... I am you Dad now. You belong with me, with us. And we belong with you. We're a family now and nothing will ever change that."

Wyatt lifts his head and John loosens his grip. There are tears running down his cheeks as he tells John, "I love you too, Dad."

John's heart feel like it is going to break seeing Wyatt cry. He hugs Wyatt back down to him, kissing the top of his head, "I love you. I love so much. You're my Son."

Relaxing into John's embrace, Wyatt sighs and then asks, "Did... Did your other son die?"

"What?" John pets his head, "No. No, we never had... We never had a chance to be this happy until we met you."

"But... my other Papa died?" Wyatt asks softly.

Fearful of telling him such grave news, John just squeezes him to his chest.

"I have to know." Wyatt pleads. "I think I already know, but I need to be sure where he is."

"He..." John exhales hoping this is the right thing to do, "he would never have left you alone. Not if it was in his power... I was with him at the end, I held his hand... and he told me about you. So we could come rescue you before it was too late."

Wyatt whimpers softy into John's chest. John rubs his back telling him how much he loves him. He hopes he hasn't made a tragic mistake by sharing the truth.

After a little while, Wyatt's voice quietly speaks up, "Okay. I think... I understand now. He made it so I could be with you again."

Feeling remorseful for delivering the news and the effect it must be having on him, John winces. If he had any idea how to be a father he would know what to do. He shouldn't be treating his son like one the men under his command.

"I'm sorry, Wyatt." he laments.

"It's okay. I knew already. I just... I had to be sure he wasn't looking for me." Wyatt's hand slips into John's "I knew you would tell me truth. Thanks."

Still rubbing Wyatt's back with one arm, John's tenderly squeezes the little hand in his. They lie there together quietly for a long.

Then Wyatt breaks the silence and asks, "But then if you didn't have a son, whose bedroom is upstairs with all the toys?"

"Oh." John frowns, "It's for friends to stay over. And the toys belong to us because, well, we're silly and we like to play."

He stokes Wyatt's head thoughtfully, "But you know, now that I think about it... I think it was all always meant for you. Like we were just waiting for you, until you came home."

Lifting his face up off John's chest, Wyatt asks with wide eyes, "So I can stay?"

"Of course you're staying here with us!" John lifts his hands to hold Wyatt's sweet face.

"Can I have the toys?"

"Yes, you can have them." John says emphatically, "You can have whatever you want. –Except maybe Rod- uh, Papa's Batman comics. But we will pick out new things just for you. You're going to have more toys than you'll know what to do with."

"Can I have an Antihydrogen Beam?" Wyatt grins hopefully at him.

John bites his lip and chuckles. Wyatt's little voice sounds too young to be saying words like that, "Well, maybe. How 'bout we ask your Papa about that one? Let's wait till he wakes up though."

"Yeah." Wyatt agrees "Are going to make breakfast now?"

Shaking his head in amusement, John answers, "I guess you know the drill. Yes. Today is Saturday. Papa gets to sleep in while I make breakfast."

When John moves to get out of bed, Wyatt gingerly follows him out of the room, as if he is familiar with the tradition of not waking Rodney in the morning.

Once they are outside the bedroom, Wyatt asks, "Coffee and pancakes?"

"Yeah... that sounds good. Well, no coffee for you though." John frowns in concern, "Papa isn't giving you coffee is he?"

"I drink orange juice." Wyatt shakes his head.

"Really? Citrus? We don't usually have that around. But," John assures him, "That will soon change."

He rifles through the refrigerator. "What else do you like to drink?"

Before Wyatt can answer John pulls out a juice box that Teyla brought last night, "Will this work?"

"Yep" Wyatt takes from it his hand and assembles the plastic straw.

To be careful, John asks, "Do you have any allergies?"

"Nope." Wyatt takes a sip of his juice.

"So," John waves his hand at the kitchen, "any kind of food is okay with you."

"Well..." Wyatt frowns, "I don't like green beans."

"Good thing that's not on the breakfast menu." John kids.

"I usually help, you know." Wyatt informs John.

"With what?"

"Making breakfast."

"Okay". John pulls a chair up to the counter for Wyatt to stand on so that he can join in.  
The process is a little messier than when John does it alone, but it is so much more fun.  
Wyatt tells John that 'mixing stuff' is his specialty. Everything he does is just so adorable.

As John pours some batter on the pan, Wyatt leans into him saying, "And I usually do the flipping."

John hands the spatula over and scoots Wyatt's chair closer to the stove, "Be careful now. It's very hot."

"I can do it." Wyatt looks up at him with exasperation.

He gives Wyatt a look usually reserved for Rodney, a little doubtful and taunting. "Pancake flipping is not easy."

Wyatt waves his hand dismissively in a way that reminds him of Rodney. "Just wait for the little bubbles and turn it over."

Pointing at the bubbles forming in the batter, John tells him, "Better hurry if you don't want it to burn."

"I know, I know." Wyatt sounds flustered as tightens his grip on the spatula. With confidence, he lifts around the edges first, then slides the spatula under the pancake. He arches a brow at John, then flips the entire thing over.

"I'm impressed." John tells him. "Couldn't have done a better job myself."

Looking thrilled to have John's approval, Wyatt grins widely.

By the time they finish the eggs and sausage, the two of them are laughing and joking around like old friends. As happy as Wyatt is now, John is acutely aware of how fragile he is emotionally and is prepared to instantly scoop him up in his arms and comfort him should the need arise.

He wants to help him adjust, make his life here seems normal, but John knows that Wyatt has been deeply traumatized. He will need comforting as well as fun. This is all so new to him; John hopes he hasn't already massively fucked it up.

After preparing three plates, Wyatt helps him carry one of them to the balcony table. Together they set the rest of table up for breakfast. Once everything is ready, John pours a couple mugs of coffee.

"Can I bring it to Papa?"

"I don't know." John takes a sip of his brew, "It's very hot."

"I won't spill." Wyatt promises.

"I bet you could do it," John ruffles his son's hair, "but I don't want you to get burned."

Wyatt pouts at him.

"Listen, I'll carry it in and set on the table, you wake him up. Deal?"

After a moment of thought, Wyatt agrees, "Deal."

He trails close to John's legs, like a little shadow until they get close to the bed. Then Wyatt jumps up enthusiastically onto Rodney's sleeping figure, "Papa! We made you breakfast!"

"Whoa. Whoa. Slow down." Rodney shakes his head in shock, blinking up their son. He reaches up to grasp Wyatt to him. "Come here. I have to hug you"

Gleefully wrapping his arms around Rodney in return, Wyatt nestles against his chest.  
His face shining with love, Rodney looks up at John as he softy rocks Wyatt in his arms, "This is the absolute best way to wake up in the morning."

"And we brought you coffee" John adds.

Wyatt corrects him, "I brought you coffee."

"Oh my goodness." Rodney kisses the top of Wyatt's head, "Coffee too? This is the best day of my life."

Exchanging a humorous look with Rodney, John suggests, "Why don't we all go eat our food before it gets cold?"

"All right." Rodney squeezes Wyatt closer and makes a small noise of disappointment, as if it pains him to let go. He finally releases Wyatt, and agrees "Breakfast sounds good."

Bounding off the bed, Wyatt races ahead to the table. John smiles proudly at the sight of his son, grinning at them expectantly and dangling his legs of the edge of a chair.

Over breakfast, Rodney praises Wyatt profusely, complimenting breakfast skills. Wyatt wastes no time in asking if he have an Antihydrogen beam, and Rodney looks to John gleefully. He can tell that Rodney is thrilled that his son has interest in science.

"Wha... Well, that's a little big to try to keep in the house..." Rodney says hesitantly.

Wyatt looks disappointed.

"There's a really big one in Switzerland. Maybe we could visit that one." Rodney continues eagerly, "No, there's a small one at Stanford, we can go see that. And who knows, maybe at some point we can use some of the SMA land to build a particle accelerator of our own."

"Particle accelerator?" John laughs, "In Switzerland? Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?"

Rodney gives him amused expression as he takes a bite of sausage.

"Tell you what..." John looks squarely at Wyatt, "Any toy we can fit inside the house, is fair game."

"But we can still have a lot of fun at my labs." Rodney cuts in, "There's a lot of really exciting stuff we can do."

With a mouth full of pancake, Wyatt nods cheerfully.

Wanting to offer some more childlike activities, John adds, "And we have a big pool, a Ferris Wheel, a big room with all kinds of stuff for fighting, like wooden swords. Lots of trails with bikes."

John leans over to Rodney, "That's priority number one. We gotta get Wyatt a bike."

Chewing with his mouth open, Wyatt agrees, "Yeah. A bike."

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	150. Lazy Ferris Wheel circles

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The three of them spend the rest of the meal speculating and planning all the fun things they are going to do together. By the time they have finished eating, John notices that Wyatt's face is covered in sticky syrup. Rodney offers to do the dishes while John helps their son get cleaned up and ready for the day.

When Rodney comes in to check on them, Wyatt is clean-scrubbed and dressed. He lets Rodney ruffle his hair before he bolts out of bathroom and races upstairs.

"Do you think he's okay?" Rodney asks.

"He's going to be fine." John assures him, "He and I actually had a talk this morning."

"What do you mean, a talk?" Rodney looks up in alarm, "He's 5 years old."

"Hey." John pulls Rodney to him, "It's going to be okay. I mean, it will be an adjustment for all of us. But we're going to be okay –he's going to be okay now that he's here with us."

"What did you talk about?" Rodney relaxes into his shoulder and lets John hold him.

"Well, Mere," John warms his hand over Rodney's back, "he knows about parallel realities. Apparently you explained it all to him."

"I did?"

"Yeah so, he had a pretty good idea about what was going on. He told me that I died, that he thought you had died as well."

"Oh. No." Rodney sighs sadly. "What did you say?"

"Um, I didn't say much." John answers hesitantly "I just let him know he wasn't wrong. I didn't want him to think he was crazy."

"So..." Rodney exhales sharply, "He knows. He knows were not real his parents." His eyes look up at John sorrowfully.

"No, Mere. We are his parents. We're a family now; we all belong together. And he knows it. I told him how much we love him and that we'll never leave him."

"It's going to be all right, Mere." John lifts up Rodney's uncertain face, "We're all together now."

He kisses Rodney sweetly on the lips and feels him melting into him. The kiss deepens for a moment before they both pull away and look back towards the bathroom door anxiously.

"Come on, Mere..." John shuts the door, "take a quick shower with me."

"Do you think he's doing okay up there?"

"He'll be fine for five minutes." John assures him as he turns on the water "Then we'll get out there and we'll show him the best Saturday of his life."

Rodney relents and they steal a few moments to themselves before rushing to get dressed. As John pulls a fresh shirt over his head, he hears the sound of Wyatt's pitter patter upstairs and smiles. Just he and Rodney are finishing up getting dressed, they hear a sound coming from the main room.

The piano. Wyatt is playing Rodney's piano. John looks at his husband in wonder, "Did you teach him that?"

"How would I know?" Rodney shrugs at him, "But that is one of my favorite sonatas... John, he's... amazing."

"He really is." John softy opens the door and step into the main room, watching Wyatt's little frame sitting at the piano. Rodney joins him, standing next to him and taking John's hand as they listen.

At the end of the song, Rodney and John clap loudly, causing Wyatt to spin around on the bench and grin at them.

"Did you like it?" He asks with a hopeful expression.

"Loved it!" John exclaims.

"You..." Rodney touches his boy's shoulders, "are definitely a genius."

Wyatt laughs in delight at glowing attention and praise they keep heaping on him. Then three of them head downstairs to spend the day with the rest of their extended family. They walk outside, following the sounds of some playful screams. On the edge of the gardens they discover Ronon roughhousing with Ara and Torren.

"Clash!" Ronon yells.

Ara and Torren race towards him, screaming and attacking in all manners. He roughly shakes them off and they come back at him. The game continues until both of the kids are winded and lying on ground catching their breath.

Ronon greets them warmly, his daughter Ara, gets up to join him. She stands just behind Ronon's legs, tall for her 4 ½ years, lightly carameled skin and flowing wavy hair almost as thick as her father's.

She looks at Wyatt curiously then speaks up, "We're playing Warrior-Clash. It's where the warriors attack each other. Wanna play with us?"

Torren sits up from the grass, "Yeah. You should play with us. It's fun!"

Wyatt grins up hopefully at John and Rodney.

"Go." John pats him on the back. He watches in amusement as Ronon takes on the three of them, Trying to shake Ara off his leg while fending off Wyatt and Torren with his arms.

After a few rounds Teyla and Kanaan walk out onto the lawn. Teyla laughs, "I think you've finally met your match Ronon."

"Hey!" Teyla addresses the kids, "What happened to our pool day, guys? Who wants to go swimming?"

"Me!" Ara yells.

"Me too!" Torren hollers in agreement.

"Yeah." Wyatt looks like he is getting drawn into the enthusiasm, "I wanna go too."

"Great." Teyla smiles, "Wyatt why don't you come with me and Torren, we'll get you some swimming trunks.

John takes it as a sign that Wyatt is feeling more at ease when he follows Teyla back to her house. Ronon and Ara head back to their house while John and Rodney walk to the pool, sitting on some of the comfortable lounge chairs that surround it.

Soon Daniel and Vala arrive, each of them with a child on their hips. They say their hellos and then head to the shallow end of the pool where they can their kids can swim safely with those little inflatable wings on their arms.

Jennifer and Ronon make their way over to them, but Jennifer leaves shortly with Tyre to join his friends Vanadis and Bjorn in the shallow end.

Ara jumps into the pool, not willing to wait for any accomplices. Ronon keeps a watchful eye as she paddles nearby.

When John sees his son running towards them with Torren, his heart leaps in his chest. They barrel straight into the water and begin splashing around with Ara. Teyla and Kanan join them by the pool.

John finds himself keeping a watchful eye with Ronon. He is used to feeling responsible for the men under his command but he has never experienced a protectiveness this strong before. The intensity takes him a bit by surprise.

Before long John's in-laws and niece arrive, along with Madison's ever-present pal Jinto. And now there are five of them kicking and screaming and splashing around in the pool. Jeanie and Kaleb have brought a cooler of food, most of which John is sure he will have no interest in. But he is grateful for the organic iced tea Jeanie hands out.

Dave is sure to bring something better to eat, he always does when they have these weekend pool parties. Carson joins the group of them about 20 minutes later and moment or two later, Dave appears.

John spies the big red cooler Dave has with him and smiles knowing there will be beer and tasty sandwiches for everyone to enjoy later, at least for the non-vegetarians.

"Uncle Dave!" Wyatt waves and calls out form the pool.

It warms John's heart to see how Wyatt is with Dave. The two of them must have had a special bond... back in the other universe.

When lunchtime comes around, the group all gathers together under the canopied tables. Dave and Jeanie pass around the various treats, Wyatt chomps down on his sandwich hungrily, smiling at John.

Torren turns his head, looking at Wyatt, "You gonna go to school for the rest of us?"

Wyatt looks confused and Rodney answers, "Well, we'll consider the options and then... whatever Wyatt wants to do, that's what we'll do."

"Mere," Jeanie interjects, "Of course he has to go to the Athosain Academy where his Uncle Kaleb teaches classes. That's where Madison and all his friends will be."

"I really like it." Jinto offers, "I didn't think I would. But I do."

"What's the Athos-ian Academy?" Wyatt asks.

Jennifer leans over to him, "Only the best school ever. And I'm not just saying that because I'm one of the teachers."

"See, Wyatt," Teyla begins, "When we first came here, my people were accustomed to a very different kind of life. We wanted to prepare the children of Athos for life on Earth. At first we started homeschooling, then with the proceeds the town was making, were able to set up a school and hire some really wonderful teachers. Some of us from Solaris work there too, myself, Kanaan, your Uncle Kaleb, and Jennifer."

"Yes," Kaleb speaks seriously, "And we have a unique set up, one that helps those who are new to certain subjects, while still providing an atmosphere that stretches the limits, striving of excellence. The classes are not divided by grade so much as by the level of each student depending on the subject."

Directing herself at Wyatt, Jeanie continues, "The facilities are amazing. So much more comprehensive, so much more to offer than any of the private schools around."

John is surprised to hear Rodney, of all people say what he does next, "Jeanie, I think this information is getting a little too detailed and dry."

"No," Jeanie waves her hand, "it's not. He's a McKay."

She turns back to Wyatt, "Is this too much for you?"

What kid could answer that question? Of course Wyatt tells her, "No."

"We are all just very proud of the Academy." Kanaan explains to Wyatt.

"Yes." Jeanie glows at Kanaan, "We are creating a legacy for future generations. These children will likely be the first in line to be trained to work with these new technologies. I believe they will help usher in a new age as the world transitions and the international fund goes public. These kids may hold our brightest promise for the future."

Teyla smiles at Jeanie, "I believe it is so."

"No pressure there." John jokes.

"I want to go there." Wyatt turns to John with wonder, "To the Athosian Academy."

"Okay," John ruffles his hair, "`we'll talk about some more. But if you really want to go, of course you can go."

Later that afternoon, a group of them takes a walk to Athos, Jennifer with Ara, Jeanie with Madison and Jinto. John pulls Wyatt up to ride on his shoulders and walks hand in hand with Rodney. They show Wyatt the village and take him on a tour of the facilities at the Academy.

The best part of the evening is riding on the Ferris Wheel, just as the sun is starting to dim and the lights of the village shine against the hazy orange and blue horizon. They watch the village sparkle below, Wyatt sitting in between the two of them as they make lazy circles in the sky.

The magical dreamy feeling stays with John the rest of the night as they walk back home, eat dinner together as a family, and get ready for bed. He loves the feeling of being a family like this. The thought hits him suddenly that this is the one thing he thought he could never give to Rodney... A family... And now... John looks over at his husband and takes in the look of deep love and joy on Rodney's face as he laughs with their son. It feels so complete.

Back at the Maison, Wyatt runs out of the bathroom after he is finished getting ready for bed. As the two of them follow him into the main room, Wyatt has already jumped up onto their bed. Well, John supposes that answers the question of sleeping arrangements for tonight. He exchanges an amused smile with Rodney.

Once they all get under the covers, Wyatt rolls over onto Rodney's chest, with his arms around his neck, "Papa."

John scoots close, lying on his side so that he drapes a protective arm over both of them. As he drifts of the sleep, he realizes that he has never felt more at peace.

Somewhere in the early morning hours, John feels Wyatt stirring, making muffled whining noises. He sits up and sees Wyatt is crying in his sleep. Sliding his arms under Wyatt's small body, John pulls him up onto his lap.

Wyatt wakes suddenly his whole body quaking and shivering. He clutches at John's shirt  
and claws his hands up at John's neck, "Daaaad. Daddy... Pu-please don't' leave me."

Rodney is upright now reaching his arms to soothe their son as John cradles him in his arms. "We've got you Sweetie." Rodney pets Wyatt's head, "We won't ever let you go. We love you so much. So, so much."

But Wyatt continues to shake against John, tightening his grip around John's neck, His howl is so heartbreaking. "Daddy... Daddy, no. Noooo. Da-Daddy."

"I promise I'm not leaving you." John rocks him son trying to comfort him, "I'm right here. We're both right here."

John understands that Wyatt is still be grieving his death, the death of the other John, The one who raised Wyatt and shared so many memories with him. He knows he can't replace that… even though he is trying to stand in for Wyatt's lost 'Dad'.

His heart aches listening to Wyatt wail, but it is probably what he needs right now. He has a lot of trauma that he needs to release. He pulls Wyatt close and holding his little head and rocking against his chest as he cries.

"It's okay." Rodney smooths Wyatt's head, "It's okay. Just let it out. You're safe with us now. We will hold you whenever you're scared. We love you."

They stay up for nearly an hour rubbing Wyatt's back, and cradling him as he sobs. Eventually the sobs turn into whimpers and die out into sniffles. John isn't sure if he has made it better or if Wyatt has just tired himself out.

As they lay back down to sleep, Wyatt keeps holding onto John, like he is holding on for dear life.

As they snuggle back down, Wyatt tells John sweetly, "I love you Daddy." And John's heart leaps in his chest.

He leans in to kiss Wyatt's smooth cheek, "I love you son."

As Rodney's arm drapes over the two of them, Wyatt tells Rodney, "I love you Papa."

Rodney's arm squeezes them, "I love you both, more than anything in the world."

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	151. The mayor's balcony

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Eventually Wyatt gets used to sleeping in his own room. Rodney has loved the family snuggling but welcomes the chance to enjoy the much missed privacy he is accustomed to with John.

As time passes, Wyatt gains more confidence. There are still times when Rodney and John let him spend the night in their bed, but he is less frightened now. He even occasionally spends the night at Torren's house.

Rodney loves his new life... Well, now that it had been almost 6 months, it doesn't even feel that new. It seems like it has always been this way, the three of them together. He doesn't even mind getting up early to get Wyatt ready for school. He feels so proud watching him set out for the day, walking with his friends to New Athos.

Life now is so full of new experiences... games and tears and joy and the sounds of kids playing everywhere. It isn't uncommon for he and John the wake up to sounds of children running through their house on the weekends.

The 'trio of trouble', that he and John call Ara, Torren, and Wyatt. Rodney even cherishes the bad tofu dinners at his sister's house. And he doesn't stay late at the lab anymore the way he used to, getting lost in his work until the early morning hours. Now he wants to get home with John, to listen to Wyatt's school stories, and the fun he has been having with friends back on Solaris.

He feels very fortunate to have their extended family to help them. With Teyla, Kaleb, Jennifer, and Kanaan home most of the time, they help out with the kids in the hours before the rest of the parents get home. And once everyone on Solaris gets home, the party begins.

They are surrounded by so much love and support, he is incredible grateful. Especially grateful to John... Everything he has now is because of John. The gift that John created for Rodney that has now grown into bountiful garden. It makes Rodney think about the garden he once imagined around John's armored castle... A castle that John has welcomed him into and made Rodney King of. Now the garden grows everywhere, a wild, wild tangle of happiness.

Thinking about Wyatt's 6th birthday a couple of weeks ago, Rodney sighs happily. It had been so perfect. He knows his son feels at home now, completely a part of Solaris. Wyatt got to take the day off from school so Uncle Dave and Uncle Carson could take him on surprise trip fishing in the river.

When Rodney and John had gotten back from Atlantis, they had to give him a bath to get the fish smell out. The freshly fileted fish had been added to the growing menu of culinary delights for the party.

And the party had been amazing, a true celebration of Wyatt's arrival into the world and into their universe. Everyone made it so special for him. Wyatt's face had been so alive and full of wonder as he opened his many gifts... Rodney grins remembering his little face so alight with happiness and covered in cake.

"Rodney" John's voice rouses him from daydreaming.

He looks up to see John's handsome frame leaning against the doorway to his lab. John's face has a strange expression.

"Rodney" This time he whispers with longing.

As he stands up and walks over to John, Rodney's heart skips a beat.

"Have you heard?" John's face is serious.

Rodney shakes his head, confused.

"You have to come with me." He feels John slipping his hand into his.

He lets John pull him down a hallway and around a corner. They walk into an alcove that... Wait. This is the alcove where John almost kissed him so many years ago.

As John leans him against the same wall, Rodney blinks up at him feeling as breathless as he did that day.

"Rodney" John says it so softly as his body presses close, trailing his lips along Rodney's neck, then cupping his face.

John's eyes go soft, "Oh Rodney." He leans down brushing his lips along Rodney's mouth then kissing him tenderly.

When John pulls back Rodney feels giddy. He wonders why John is feeling so romantic today. It doesn't matter; he likes it. He leans up to kiss John again, but John holds his face still.

"Rodney, there's something I need to tell you –need to ask you... The, the court. The Supreme Court, just stuck down Prop 8. Do you realize what that means?"

Inhaling sharply, he stares at John. He didn't ever really expect this to happen. Up until now, Prop 8 has specifically banned gay marriage in the State of California. If this is the ruling... then this means that all State bans on gay marriage have been struck down as unconstitutional. This means...

John holds his face gently, "Rodney, will you marry me?"

"Again, you mean?" This time Rodney succeeds in kissing his husband back.

Wrapping his arms around Rodney, John presses into him, "Yes. Again."

They embrace into a deep and passionate kiss. Rodney answers him with his lips and his tongue. But to make sure it clear, when they pull apart, Rodney answers with his voice, "Yes."

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* * *

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John is barely able to keep his mind on anything else the rest of the day. He keeps seeing Rodney's wide eyes shining up at him as he says 'Yes'. Rodney perfect blue eyes...

Ronon was the one to tell John, he said he has been watching for updates ever since the Supreme Court began deliberating the case. Ronon had known, of course, that the first thing John would do is race down to Rodney's lab and ask for his hand in marriage, officially.

He feels silly but he can hardly wait to tell everyone else. As soon they all beam back to Solaris, John tells them the news. Rodney clasps has hand and blushes as they are showered with attention and congratulations. Vala begins to pepper them with questions about what kind of ceremony it be, when, where, color schemes.

John isn't sure what to say and looks to Rodney, he looks back at John in bewilderment. Just then Teyla comes running up to them, saving them from having to answer.

Out of breath, Teyla pants, "John!" She rests her hands on her knees for moment, "You all have to come with me back to New Athos. There is an Ancestor in the temple."

"An Ancient?" Daniel steps forward.

"Yes. Yes."

Daniel looks excited, "Has it attempted to communicate with you?"

Teyla shakes her head, "No. My people have been praying and trying to speak to it... but as yet it has remained silent to them. I just found out."

Turning to Rodney, Daniel tells him, "We have to get down there."

They all head into a brisk pace, heading back to New Athos. When they reach the temple, John stares up at the glowing white form in the main hall. Definitely Ancient... so why is it here? Why is it just hovering?

The tendrils of white begin to snake out, further away from center of the shimmering mass. And then it begins to sink, lowering itself down to floor in front of them. A voice speaks, "Daniel."

"Oma?" Daniel asks.

A female face appears in the white substance; one John has seen once before on a distant planet. He utters an affirmation, "Oma."

The entity drifts forward directing itself to someone else in the group, "Teyla."

Teyla bows her head, "Ancestor. It is a great honor to meet you."

Oma's tendrils reach around Teyla, "You are the trusted leader. This gift can only be trusted to you and your people. You will protect it for the future."

"I –we will do whatever you ask of us." Teyla answers reverently.

The light washes around Teya, "We will meet again, when the time is right."

Then Oma is floats up again landing on a small level above them where the Athosian display some of their religious relics. The lighter grows brighter for a moment and John squints to see what is happening. The light recedes completely and something solid is left in its place.

Rodney groans, "Not that stupid thing." He turns around to the room of Athosians with a lifted finger, "Nobody touch that thing. It will kill you. I know this from personal experience."

John looks more closely and recognizes the machine. That damn Ascension machine. The thing is dangerous; it can't be left here. He turns to Teyla, "We to need to report-"

"John!" She interrupts, "The Ancestor brought it here for us to tend to. I can't believe you would even consider giving this to the IOA. We cannot know why the Ancestors want it to be guarded, only that they have a plan." She looks at John beseechingly.

Daniel speaks up, "I'm inclined to trust Oma. She did active the 'seed' that destroyed the Sekkari planet and saved your life. She knew what we would need before we did. Maybe she knows something about our future and is trying to protect us."

"I don't see how." Rodney frowns, "Unless her plan is to kill someone every couple weeks."

Ronon shrugs and tells John as he walks out, "I was never here. This is your decision."

"John." Teyla looks at him intensely, "Are we not a sovereign state? How could the IOA have any jurisdiction here?"

"Technically..." John knits his brows together, "I don't know." He makes a decision, "This is an Athosian matter. I'll leave this in your hands."

She looks at him in gratitude, "Thank you, John. I promise no one will touch it or be harmed. You will not regret this."

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* * *

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The day of the wedding, Rodney is thrilled. Although they have been married for 4 years, now it will be legal. Now no one can diminish what they have. It is an exhilarating feeling.

He is glad they decided to wait until their actual anniversary to get legally married. They didn't want to celebrate a different anniversary after all these time. So, they waited until Oct. 16th. 2013, the actual date of their 4 year wedding anniversary.

They picked the Beau Arts dome of San Francisco City Hall for ceremony. The mayor's balcony wass perfectly suited for a small ceremony with family and friends. No need to worry about decorating or stuff like that, since the interior of the building is opulent enough.

Wyatt is so excited to be the ring bearer and he looks so adorable in his little suit. Madison and Ara look darling too in their matching flower girl dresses. John's best men are Ronon and Dave, Rodney's best 'men' are Carson and Jeanie.

The number of actual guests are scarcely more than those in the wedding party. Kaleb, Teyla and Kanan with their son Torren, Jinto and his father Halling, Jennifer and Tyre, as well as Vala, Daniel, and their kids, Vanadis and Bjorn.

Rodney gets undressed while John sorts out some details with the atheist officiant Rodney had insisted upon; there was no way he going to sully this day with any Christian undertones.. He looks around the dressing room, smiling at the two handmade suits John had deemed necessary for the occasion. He fingers the soft material that John picked out because he said it brought out Rodney's eyes.

Since they already had a honeymoon -when they really got married the first time- they both agree there is no need to replace it. For Rodney, that was the best day... or weekend really, of his life. Besides, they are really busy at work and haven't really spent a night away from Wyatt since he arrived. Well, other than the occasional nights he goes over to Torren's, but that doesn't feel like the same thing. He is just a few houses away.

Instead of a honeymoon, there are planning their next big trip as a family, this June, to celebrate Wyatt's 7th birthday. In fact, their whole extended family coming, planning their vacation time so they go together. Well, everyone except Carson, who unfortunately will be off world then, in the Pegasus galaxy making sure there have been no reoccurrences of the Hoffan plague.

But Jinto and Halling will joining them as they visit the massive amusement park in Copenhagen called Tivoli Gardens. Thankfully the IOA is willing to help cut down on travel time, offering to beam them to the Berlin IOA headquarters -since Denmark is not one of the privileged countries involved in the top secret coalition. And of course, before they come back home, John, Rodney, and Wyatt will make a special trip to the Cern Particle Accelerator in Switzerland.

The door to the dressing room flies open and John flashes him a winning smile as he catches Rodney in his arms, "Husband."

He gives Rodney an eager kiss, then pulls back to look at him. John looks at Rodney like he is something he can't resist, kissing him again and again, murmuring in between, "Husband..."

Kissing him back, Rodney starts to lose himself, reaching his hands up grab John's hair.

"Ah! No, no." John pulls away, "I don't want to look like a circus clown in our pictures."

Rodney laughs and stands back, contenting himself with watching John get dressed. God, he looks so handsome in that suit. Standing behind him, Rodney sighs, completely smitten as he watches John in the mirror. John catches Rodney's eye as he starts to fold his tie. He looks amused and self-satisfied.

"What?" Rodney asks.

"See," John smirks, "I knew if you stuck with me, you'd end up getting everything you ever wanted."

"Oh, you did, did you?" Rodney taunts, "'Cause I remember it more like, you were you like, 'Oh Rodney, I'm not good enough for you... I'm just a soldier and you deserve better."

John spins around, "Are you seriously trying to mock me right now?"

"Maybe..." Rodney shrugs sheepishly, "What are you going to do about it?"

John narrows his eyes at him, "Oh. I'm going to do something about it."

He strides over to Rodney, grabbing his arms and pushing him into the corner wall next to the vanity bench. "I'm going to fuck you... until you learn your lesson."

"Oh" The wind goes out of Rodney's lungs as his hits the wall.

"God you look sexy in that suit" John growls.

"What-what are you doing? We don't have tim-"

"Shhh" John puts his fingers over Rodney's lips, "Give me that sexy mouth, McKay."

As John presses his lips against his, Rodney moans in surrender, "Mmm... Mmm..."

He feels John's hands undressing Rodney's carefully assembled suit. Oh God. John is making his heart race, and his legs weak.

In no time John has stripped him bare and is exploring Rodney's body and making him moan in unexpected pleasure. John's mouth takes Rodney's lips again in a frenzy of passion. John's hands are unwinding his own shirt and jacket, stepping out of his pants.

All while keeping Rodney cornered and at his mercy. He can't believe this is happening here, now. John's naked skin rubbing against his and driving him into a wild lust... John reaches over the vanity and palms a bottle of moisturizer.

He smiles, "Come on. I know you want it." Covering his fingers in the thick cream, he stares Rodney, "Tell me that you want it."

Rodney pushes back at John's chest in playful defiance, then relents, "I want it."

"Yea, that's I thought." John smirks.

"No, but we-"

"Shhh" A heavy hand closes over Rodney mouth, "We just gotta be quiet."

"McKay." John slicks his hard cock with the lotion, "you belong me and always will."

Rodney struggles and wrests his mouth away, taking a deep breath, "Colonel…" he moans as John slides a slick finger up into him.

"Tell me McKay. You know I'm the only one for you."

"Mmm..." He bites onto John's lower lip as another finger pushes in, "Mmm... Ughmmm... Only you, only ever you."

John spins Rodney back into the dressing table, and wastes no time lining his cock up with Rodney's hole. One of his hands rolls up Rodney's chest and pulls him close.

"Oh baby, you are so hot right now." John groans; kissing the back of Rodney's neck, John whispers in his ear, "I'm going to make you cum so hard."

The way John is being so dominant, the thrill of getting caught, the romance of the situation all drive his excitement higher. Rodney can tell by the butterflies in his stomach that it John is right.

He feels the head pushing into him and Rodney grips his hands into John's arm; his breath staggers as John pushes his way in so deep,. "Ugh...Ahhh...Mmm" "Oh God, AHHHH"

John rocks his hips gently now that is all the way inside. His hand drags along the surface of Rodney's quivering cock, milking it, loving it, massaging it, just the way Rodney wants.

Then, when Rodney can barely wait for more, he groans as John starts to move inside him more quickly. Yes, oh God, yes. Fuck me John. Fuck me that. I need you inside me. Rodney bites down on John's fingers; sucking on them as John pulls his cock in and out over his prostate.

As Rodney starts to lose control completely, John murmurs, "McKay... Do you have everything you wanted?"

His head is already swimming, he can barely speak, "Uhhh. Uh-huh. Everything. Everything."

John speeds up, thrusting deeper and pushing Rodney right over the edge.

"John." Rodney groans into his shoulder to muffle the sound as he climaxes, "Ugh. Umph! Ohhhhhhhhhh. Oh. Oh."

As his body goes limp he hears the last gasp of John's orgasm. "God, Mere-god-oh-god-oh-god. Ahhhhhhh."

Rodney sags into the wall behind him, his body still sparking with mini explosions, "Husband."

John's strong arms hold him tight, "Husband."

After a delirious moment exchanging kisses, John pulls Rodney back up and they help each get cleaned up, exchanging looks like two naughty boys.

When Rodney finally gets his sharp suit back on, John eyes him hungrily, "You are so sexy in that thing."

He reaches for Rodney's waist, but Rodney slaps his hand away playfully, "No more of that. They're waiting for us out there."

"Just come here for a minute." John pulls him close, wrapping his arms around Rodney and hugging him tenderly.

Closing his eyes in bliss, Rodney lets his head fall to John's shoulder, "You look amazing too." He murmurs, "And I really do have everything, everything I ever wanted."

"So do I." John pulls back, and as he looks at Rodney his eyes crinkle with happiness, "You ready to go out there?"

"Well, yeah." Rodney laughs, "I think we're we've covered just about everything."

John slips his hand affectionately in his, "Then let's go, love of my life."

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* * *

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John thinks Christmas this year is going to be the best one yet. Ronon helped him set up the new 'maze', which has become a Christmas tradition at the point. It started a few years back, when and he and Ronon were drinking a little early in the day. They had recently watched the movie 'The Shining' and John was joking about how fun it would be to create a winter maze like the one in the movie. Ronon thought it was hilarious and made a mission to figure out a way to make it happen.

Now every year, they set up the fake hedges into a new puzzle. Something to amuse the kids and run around in. They place a special prize in the middle and the artificial hedges are filled with various hidden candies and small presents.

Rodney and the others go in for the more traditional decorations, lighting up the houses with quaint Christmas decorations and setting up a gigantic tacky plastic Santa and the reindeer display.

John always looks forward to the feast everyone brings. More turkey and more fixings than any of them could possible eat. The best part is opening presents with the kids under the 9 foot tree that Dave always sets up the day after Thanksgiving.

By the end of the night, everything is twinkling around them as they all relax by the fire. While the adults sip on warm brandy or bourbon. The kids get hot chocolate, all hopped up on sugar and excitement, they can barely focus long enough to munch their s'mores. After eating their treats, the kids go running and sprawling across the estate with irrepressible energy, playing their endless games.

He loves seeing them so happy, John leans back into his chair and takes a sip of his drink, feeling satisfied by the events of the day.

"I think this was the best Christmas so far." Vala proclaims.

"Definitely" Ronon agrees, ""Every year the maze gets better."

"I for one, have come to love this Earth tradition." Teyla pipes up, "I wish we could do it more than once a year."

"Really?" Jennifer asks, "You want to do this much cooking more than once a year?"

Teyla giggles, "Maybe not."

"Well," Jeanie begins, "when it comes to Christmas, I don't think anyone does it better than us."

"Here, Here." Carson raises his glass in a toast.

"Yes." Daniel raises his glass. "To the best Christmas we've ever had."

"I'll drink to that!" Dave laughs.

Everyone raises a glass and drinks to their success. Maybe the dated Christmas music in the background is getting to him, but John feels downright sentimental. He squeezes Rodney's hand in the chair next to him to get his attention and speaks softly.

"Hey, Mere."

"Yes?" Rodney smiles at him.

"I was just thinking..." John reflects, "It's almost 2014."

"And?"

"Well, it's almost ten years. Since we first met in Antarctica... Ten years that I've scarcely spent a without you, and-" John looks at his husband with deep love, "Ten years since you changed the whole course of my life."

Rodney's eyes go soft and romantic, "A long time since you changed my life forever, too." He reaches up kisses John's hand. "...but just the beginning considering we're meant to be together forever."

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	152. Rodney has to save John one last time

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Rodney folds his wrinkled hands over each other in his lap, watching John's sallow face as sleeps in the hospital bed. All of this is happening too soon and he can't accept it. The pronouncement had been sudden, so final.

Sure, John had been feeling run down, but Rodney had never expected something like this. It was such a shock, just after their 25th wedding anniversary, John was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, deadly by the time of discovery. At the age of 64, John was given 2-4 months to live and Rodney's world fell apart.

For a while they tried to go on with life as usual. Rodney had gotten it into his head that he could find a brilliant solution to save the day, and John had joked, "Only you would try to come up with a plan to cheat death, Mere."

Rodney should be proud of the life they built together. He tries to see it that way. The memories of the past flit past like a series of stories. The brightest are always the adventures that brought he and John together. Those, and their life together with their son Wyatt. The darkest memory is the day he learned John was dying.

Rodney looks at John's face and tries to focus on the good times. The adventures exploring with the wormhole ships... The development of the Jeanie's International Interstellar Project... It has been a wonderful life together, raising their son, enjoying the chaotic perfection of being a part of the extended family at Solaris... all the achievements and advancements of Atlantis and the SMA... the growth of the Athosian Academy and the pride they share in Wyatt's achievements.

After the kids left home, those had been some interesting years. It was kind of Dave to offer a trust fund challenge for the kids of Solaris and Athos to attend Stanford. A challenge most of them were able to rise to.

Dave had told he and John, "Well, you guys gave me a family, I just want to make sure their all taken care of when we're gone." After college, many of them had chosen to work on Jeanie's vision for the IIF sites around the world.

The IOA is saying by 2040 they will bring the public to full knowledge of the Stargate Program. Only 7 years away now... Rodney and the other original team members from Atlantis won't be leading the charge for the next wave of exploration, but he has faith that legacy will carry on.

Now Rodney's mission is to try to find a way to save John. Carson and Jennifer have been trying to help him adapt the genetics from Carson's Wraith enzyme. Somehow it has allowed Carson to continue living without seeming to age a day. But Carson has been working on a way to make the enzyme workable for non-cloned humans a long time and it still isn't viable.

Rodney has perfected his nanovirus to the point that even John should have considered it safe. But John has refused the experimental treatment, still feeling it is too much of a security risk. As John's condition worsens, Rodney has found himself with nothing to do but clutch his husband's hand in a hospital room, not wanting to waste any moment he had left with him.

And there is not much time left now. Rodney tries to keep his moments of despair and grief to himself; he tries to be strong for John and Wyatt. Jeanie is the only one he lets see him when he is so stricken and afraid. She has been his rock, holding him while he mourns the loss. Inwardly he still can't forgive himself, for failing to find a way to save John this one last time.

Lifting his hand, Rodney gently touches the side of John's face. John opens his eyes and gives Rodney a knowing expression, "Mere. Promise me you won't spend the next 25 years trying to bring me back."

"Please," Rodney tries to be humorous, "I don't have 25 years left. I'd say, 5, 10 tops. Men in my family don't generally live much past 70, so..."

Remembering something suddenly, Rodney asks, "You know what? You totally lied about my hair. You said I was going to lose it by the time I was this age... That was total bullshit, wasn't it?"

John laughs with a wheeze, "Guess you caught me there... Foiled my elaborate decades long prank."

"But seriously Mere," John squeezes Rodney's hand, "take care of Wyatt, get to know our grandchild. Please be happy. All I've ever wanted was to make you happy."

Rodney's face clenches into an expression of pinched sorrow, "I'm sorry if I'm being a bit unreasonable, it's just, you said you would never leave me –and I don't want you to."

He shuts his eyes and the moisture that has been collecting there accidentally spills to his cheeks. He opens his eyes to dry them and sees tears on John's face as well. Oh God. He reaches down and wraps his arms around his husband.

"I'm sorry, Mere." John's voice is quaking, "I'm just so sorry... I would do anything in this world not to let you down. I'm sorry I can't risk unleashing the nanovirus."

Softly crying into John's chest, Rodney feels guilty, "No, no... You never let me down... Never. All you did is make everything wonderful. And I'm so selfish, I'm sorry. I just love you so much. I can't..."

Sobbing into John's chest now, Rodney can't hold back the grief anymore. And John holds him like he always has when Rodney has been afraid. John is just so wonderful... How can he possibly live without him? Oh God, he is losing it. He didn't want to do this to John. Not now. Rodney should be the one comforting John.

But he can't stop, all the tears he has tried to hold back or hide, they are gushing out of him now in an uncontrolled torrent. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Rodney chokes.

"Shhh... It's okay, Mere. I love you. I will always be with you... It's okay." John strokes his back reassuring him.

He feels so safe in John's arms right now, like nothing bad could happen. Nothing could tear them apart. Rodney lets himself give into to deceptive feeling and the tears abate. He eventually lifts his head, wiping the wetness from his face, and sniffling, "Em. I'm so sorry I didn't mean to put you through that. You've always been so strong for me; I want to be that for you."

"Mere..."John's voice is tender, "You always have been. You made my life worth living. Everything that is good, is because of you." John kisses his hand. "My love, my everything... everything has been perfect."

At that, tears begin to leak from Rodney's eyes again.

John kneads Rodney's hand, then twining their fingers together to calm him down. "I remember everything like it was yesterday. From the first moment I saw you to now."

Rodney inhales shakily and for moment he sees John as he once was all those years ago in Antarctica, not as the deathly face before him. The corner of his mouth slants up on one side remembering himself brashly barking orders at John, while John just looked up at him lazily. Lazy and sultry, and as Rodney later learned from the consciousness sharing stones, mentally undressing him with his eyes.

John is speaking again, "I think the love we've shared together and with our family is so much more that most people ever know. You are you going to live for me Rodney, to see our daughter-in-law give birth to a grandchild. A new member of our family. There will so much more happiness to come... and I promise I will haunt you. Whatever exists beyond this, I will wait for you, so that we can go there together."

Drying his tears, Rodney nods and tries to joke, "You're always so sure of yourself, Colonel."

He tries to tell himself he believes it, but he can't really buy into it. After death, there is nothing. And John will be gone.

The door to the room opens and Rodney hopes his face isn't too red and puffy from crying. Wyatt and Ara's faces greet them and they move quickly to give them both hugs.

"Pops, have you been here all night again?" Wyatt looks concerned.

Technically, not all night. Rodney had a bathroom break and went to go them food... so he lies. Not trusting his voice, he shakes his head,

Wyatt squeezes Rodney and looks at him with love and concern. Then moves over the embrace John. "How you feeling today, Dad?"

Ara gives Rodney a sympathetic hug, but John's voice stays chipper. "Great now that you're here. Tell me more about my grandchild."

The two of them exchange a secret smile and Wyatt begins, "Well, we just found out-"

"It's going to be a boy!" Ara finishes.

"Ara and I have been talking... and the thing is, Dad, we were thinking of naming him after you." Wyatt says hopefully.

Waving his arm weakly, John says, "Oh no. Don't name him John. Such a boring name. You can do better than that."

Wyatt and Ara look a bit confused, then Ara turns to Rodney, "Well, we could name him after you, pops"

"Good God no!" Rodney looks up in alarm, "Don't saddle your poor child with my names- first or middle. They are both terrible, terrible names for a boy."

"One thing, I can tell you, this kid is going to have a great head of hair." John smiles.

Everyone laughs and keeps the tone of the rest visit lighthearted.

After an hour or so Ara offers to spend the evening with John so Wyatt, and especially Rodney can get a good night's sleep.

John accepts the offer before Rodney can say no. Rodney goes along but secretly fears that this will be the night before John passes. He fears not being there and having John truly leave without him. The doctors say it could be any day now and Rodney vows to himself that this is last night he will spend away from John's side.

Wyatt ushers his weary father to Teyla's house where she has prepared a hearty meal. In a daze Rodney sits down to the table and goes through the motions of trying eat.

"Rodney" Teyla gets his attention, "There is something I wish to speak with you about."

He looks up at her and smiles weakly.

"I know that it might be..." Teyal pauses, "I know you have not had the best luck with the Ascension machine, seeing as it results in death... but I was thinking, if a person is already dying would it not be less of a risk for them to try to Ascend? Could this not be the correct time the Ancestors were speaking of?"

His mind is fuzzy from lack of sleep and Rodney frowns thinking of his past unpleasant experience. "What are you trying to say? That we should kill John that way instead of letting him die..." Rodney's voice trails off, appalled that he has come to accept John's death as an inevitability.

"What she's saying Pops," Wyatt jumps in eagerly, "is that there is a chance he could Ascend instead of just dying. Then he won't really be dead right?"

"I doubt it would work." Rodney mumbles, "It might help put his disease into remission for a couple weeks, or it may kill him outright since he is so weak, either way it will kill him."

"But is there a chance he could Ascend?" Wyatt asks.

"A remote chance, I suppose." Rodney answers numbly.

"And what kind I chance does he have now?" Wyatt points out.

Rodney can't bring himself to answer the question.

Teyla adds a consideration "'It works correctly when used at the right time.' Wasn't that what the Ancestor said? What if this is the correct time, when the body is old and ready to transition?"

"I don't know." Rodney shrugs, but in his mind he is already making calculations, considering this as John's one last chance to cheat death... They're right, what do they have to lose?

"Let's ask John." He tells them.

The rest of the meal is somber, but he can tell Teyla and Wyatt are pleased to have their idea considered. As Rodney leaves to climb the stairs to the Maison, he notices Wyatt walking with him.

Gesturing to the main mansion, Rodney tells him, "Your house is the other way, kiddo."

"I just don't think you should be alone tonight" Wyatt looks at his father with sympathy.

"That's sweet but I-"

"Pop, I need you right now, okay?"

"Okay." Rodney throws his arm around his boy, hugging him protectively and feeling guilty for what he was just considering.

Once inside, Wyatt insists on making them tea and sitting in den together. Rodney sips his tea and looks over at Wyatt, "You're right. This is going to work."

"It is?" Wyatt seems pleasantly surprised.

"It has to." Rodney says with determination, "It has to..."

He stares off into space for a moment then takes in the sight of his fully grown son. "I'm so proud of you, Wyatt... and we love you so much." His voice chokes up and he can't continue.

"I love you too, Papa." Wyatt reaches out to rub Rodney's shoulder. Hearing the old endearment cause tears to spring to Rodney's eyes once more, he reaches for his son and holds him close.

"I'm sorry... all of this... it shouldn't be this way" His shoulders shake with grief and Wyatt comforts him.

"It's okay, Pop, it's not your fault. Just let it go."

Rodney sags into Wyatt's embrace and lets himself grieve.

Wyatt keeps soothing him, "I know... I know... Remember all those times you helped me when I was scared, especially when I first came home...

Well, now's my chance to pay you back. You were always there for me. You and Dad..." Wyatt begins to cry softy as well.

The two of them just hold each other, taking in the reality that there are losing John. After some time, the tears stop and they pull apart, drinking the forgotten tea.

Staring in haze, Rodney murmurs, "I don't think it should be this way. Losing someone suddenly, being so unprepared, losing them forever..."

He looks up at Wyatt expectantly. "What if it could be different? What if we could choose the time, say our goodbyes and, and, I don't know... If the Ascension machine worked... Be reunited with our loved ones? Would you ever consider that?"

"What?" Wyatt asks.

"When you're my age... picking a time when you were ready to go, before you got sick... You know, so you would be less likely to die suddenly without Ascending."

"Yeah." Wyatt frowns and gives it consideration, "I guess that makes sense. If Dad Ascends, then I would want to follow. I'd want Ara to come with me..."

"If Ara got sick, would you want to go with her?" Rodney asks.

"Yeah, I woul- Oh. Pop, no... You're not thinking about..." Wyatt looks at Rodney with fear in his eyes, "I'd lose both of you! No. No. You can't."

"It's stupid, you're right. I won't." Rodney takes Wyatt's hand he reassures him, "I won't leave you... We'll just wait for the right time before I get too sick and, and we'll never have to lose each other."

"But you don't even know if this thing will work." Wyatt looks suspicious.

"I made it work once before, if I can do it, your Dad can do it. It has to work."

Nodding hopefully, Wyatt tells him, "Then we'll all do it... One day, when the time is right. And then we'll stay together..."

Then Wyatt blinks in thought, "If Ara got sick... I don't know... I'd probably go with her."

"You know," Rodney adds, "you can come back you, once you've Ascended. You can take human form and spend time living among people. It doesn't mean you just turn into vapor."

"Yeah, if it works." Wyatt says tensely.

Standing up suddenly, Rodney states, "We have to go down there –to the temple. We have to check to the machine."

"Now?" Wyatt blinks "What about sleep?"

"He's only got a matter of days," Rodney says with determination. "We can't waste any time if we're going to save him."

Reluctantly, Wyatt rouses himself and the two of them take palm lights with them to help make their way along the unlit parts of the path to Athos.

When they get to the temple, Rodney instructs Wyatt carefully on what not to touch, especially not to stand on the large platform in front where the energy transformation takes place. The machine has been powered off, and Rodney turns it on checking for any abnormalities. It seems to be humming along and functioning properly.

"See," He tells Wyatt, "the first time I encountered this, it was set to an automatic function. The minute I stepped up onto the thing, it zapped me. Now I've got it set to manual, someone will have to hit this button before it will do anything."

Well versed in Ancient technology, Wyatt looks at Rodney's tablet and the power readings, nodding.

"We've got to get him down here tomorrow." Rodney decides.

Wyatt peers at him through the incandescent glow of the temple light, "I know you want to go with him."

"But I won't." Rodney answers.

"Can you promise me that you'll come back? That I won't lose you both?"

Gripping the sides of the machine, Rodney sighs. He wants to promise Wyatt, but the truth he is, he has no way of being sure. He slowly shakes his head with eyes to the ground.

"But you still want to try?" Wyatt says the question more like a statement of fact.

"But I won't." Rodney repeats. "I hate the idea of separated from him in any way, I'll never be able to accept it... But I can't accept the idea of risking... possibly being separated from you either. That would be unbearable."

When Rodney looks up, Wyatt is emotional, "It seems wrong to me too... that you two should ever be apart. You've always loved each other so much... If this is what you want," Wyatt suddenly squares his shoulders, "I'll accept it."

"No, it-" Rodney shakes his head. "I'm not going to risk it."

"We couldn't tell anyone else." Wyatt walks close to him as if they might be overheard, "No one else would accept it... But I can understand." His voice cracks "I'll understand if you need to go now." Wyatt places a loving hand on Rodney's aged face, just like he used to when he was a kid.

"My son." Rodney melts and takes him in his arms, "How could I possibly leave you? You're my dearest, you're everything to me."

"But if you come back, if you both come back... I won't have lost you." Wyatt's voice is hoarse, "You'll come back and we'll all be together."

Rodney lets himself dream, "And then you and Ara and our grandchildren will join us. Everyone will come and it will be like Solaris never changed."

"That would be nice." Wyatt sighs with his head on Rodney's shoulder.

"Yeah, it would be." Rodney says wistfully.

It is late when they get back to the Maison. Rodney pulls a blanket and a pillow from the bed and lays down on one of the couches. It just doesn't seem right to sleep in the bed anymore, not since John left.

Wyatt watches him get settled on the couch, his dark ringed eyes are sad as if he knows his father's mind, "You don't sleep in the bed anymore, do you?"

"I'm setting my alarm for 6am." Rodney tries to smile bravely.

"That's 4 hours from now!" Wyatt protests.

"You don't have to get up that early. I just want to talk to Dave and the others before we go to the hospital."

"You going to tell them about our plan?" Wyatt asks.

"Yeah... In fact, I want you to sleep in. I'll wake you up so we can leave together." Rodney tells him.

Shaking his head, Wyatt walks up to second floor. In moment he is back with a blanket and a pillow of his own. He lays down on an adjacent couch with his head not far from Rodney's feet.

Affectionately touching one of Rodney's ankles, he tells him, "I don't want to waste any of the time we have left."

Rodney turns his head into the pillow so that Wyatt won't see him crying.

.

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	153. Teyla and Wyatt have a plan

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When the alarm goes off, Rodney jolts awake in panic. He runs to make a quick cup of coffee and realizes a fresh pot had already been made. He blinks and sees Wyatt coming out of the bathroom.

"Morning Pop. Made you some coffee to get started."

"Did I ever tell you that you're the best son I ever had?" Rodney smiles in appreciation as he pours a mug.

Wyatt pours a mug of his own, "All the time."

Rodney gulps down a couple mouthfuls and then races to get ready. After he has showered and dressed, he and Wyatt wolf down some toast before they head down the Dave's house, or 'Sheppard Lodge', as he likes to call it. Wyatt helps him sell the idea to Dave. And then the three of them tell the others. Teyla and Kanan go with Carson and Jennifer to the temple, to get things ready. Vala and Daniel walk to Athos with them to help anyway they can.

Now the only person to convince is John. Wyatt, Dave, and Ronon head with Rodney to the hospital while everyone else waits anxiously back at Solaris until they get the go ahead.

When there get there, Rodney practically runs down the halls to John's room. He tells himself that Ara would have called if anything went wrong, but he is so afraid that he will already be gone. Then he sees John lying there weakly holding Ara's hold.

"Em!" Rodney hugs him tight, "I'm sorry I was gone for so long... I just had to come up with a brilliant plan to save you."

Wyatt clears his throat from behind him, "Okay, okay. Wyatt and Teyla came up with the plan."

"Dad." Wyatt edges in to give his father a hug, then he steps aside, giving Dave and Ronon the chance to steal an embrace.

After everyone has their fill, John squints up at them, "So, what's this plan?"

"I know it's not going to sound good at first," Rodney begins anxiously," –but the more I thought about it the more it makes sense. See, the Ascension machine-"

John groans and rolls his eyes.

"I know," Rodney speaks quickly "I know it will kill you-"

"But you're gonna die anyway" Ronon says bluntly, "You might actually live a little longer with thing, and hopefully Ascend."

"Em, this is what I want." Rodney pleads. "Unlike the nanites, there's no risk to the planet. This is only hope I have of saving you. Please, please do this for me."

Looking at roomful of friends and family, John answers nonchalantly, "Okay."

"Okay." Rodney sighs with relief. "Okay, here's the thing. We're taking you home today. Everyone is ready if you are."

John takes a deep breath and wheezes a little bit. He has aged so much in last couple months, so frail, his skin so drawn. Finally he nods, "Alright, Mere."

Turning to Dave, Rodney tells him, "Okay. Call Jeanie and tell them that we're coming. Have them meet us at the temple."

Dave steps out in the hall and Ronon leaves to get a wheelchair. It takes some doing to finagle John out of the bed and into wheelchair. The nurses have to unhook the IVs, oxygen tubes, and all the other equipment.

Eventually they are all crowded into Dave's big SUV. Rodney and Wyatt sit on either side of John, with their arms protectively around his shrunken frame. Dave drives slowly and carefully, as if anticipating that the trip is likely to be hard on his brother.

When they arrive at Athos, Ronon gets the wheelchair out of the back. He reassures John as he helps maneuver him into the chair, "Don't worry, even if this doesn't work out, it's not going to kill you right away. Probably."

"Great." John snorts at Ronon, "Thanks for that."

Rodney smiles and lets Ronon wheel him to the temple. Once inside, everyone else is already there, showering John with affection and well wishes. He and Wyatt stand back and exchange a look.

Then he feels touch on his shoulder; it is Wyatt, his eyes looking wide and emotional. He pulls on Rodney's shoulder and hugs him fiercely, "I love you."

"I love you, too." Rodney squeezes back.

"It's going to be okay." Wyatt keeps holding on, like he is saying goodbye, "Whatever happens. I just want you to know how much I love you."

"Oh. Wyatt... This isn't goodbye, this is- he's going to be okay."

"I know." Wyatt pulls back looks at his father softly, "I know, Pops. It's all going to be okay."

As he peers intently into Wyatt's expansive blue green pools, Rodney knows Wyatt is trying to give him permission to go with John, trying to project strength and calm. But Rodney knows his son, and he knows he needs reassurance too.

"It will be." Rodney nods decisively. "I know it somehow, I just do. We are all going to be together."

Wyatt smiles at him and lifts his head in the direction of the machine. Rodney turns and sees Ronon lifting John onto the platform and he pushes past Dave and Jeanie to stand next to his husband.

Ronon is clasping John's thin frame into one of his fierce bear hugs, telling him with great emotion in his voice, "It's been a pleasure."

In a choked voice, John replies, "Same here." his thin arm pats Ronon's back.

Rodney exhales deeply, knowing the meaning of their exchange After Rodney and John shared consciousness with the stones, John's memories became like his own. It's how Ronon and John said goodbye to each so many years ago when they thought they were going to perish in the ruins of Michael's lab. Rodney blinks back the tears, feeling the bond of their friendship as if he has experienced it himself.

As Ronon backs away, Rodney clears his throat, "Wait, wait, I need to..."

He kneels down next to John on the platform, making it look like he is only hugging him goodbye. But one of his hands is positioned on top of the machine, ready to press the button.

His eyes flicker up and catch Wyatt's gaze. Wyatt gives a nod of approval and Rodney presses down on the button.

A flash of green snakes around them, he hears Jeanie shrieking, "Rodney what are doing?! NO!"

Rodney holds onto John, as he feels himself becoming lightheaded. Faces float around them. The words are starting to bleed together. Still, he holds onto John as tight as he can until his arms start to feel like jelly and his head lolls back into the side of the machine.

Feeling a hand smooth across his brow, Rodney smiles. He knows the feel of that hand. John. He blinks his eyes, trying to bring things into focus. Where is he? A big room, very big... Oh. It's Wyatt's house. The one John named McKay Manor. John. Rodney reaches his hands up to touch John's face leaning next to him on the bed. His face, it looks... better, less ashen somehow.

"John."

"I'm here, Mere. There are a lot of people out there are worried about you."

"I'm coming with you." Rodney says stubbornly.

"I've never had much luck trying to argue with you." John shakes his head, clearing his throat he speaks in a loud voice, "He's awake!"

The doors to the bedroom open and suddenly everyone is rushing. Jeanie is at the forefront, "Meredith McKay! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

She hits his arm, "You idiot! What were you thinking?" Before Rodney can answer she turns to Carson, "You can undo this right? You did it once before."

"Yes. I-I think I could replicate the procedure." Carson answers.

"Carson, I'm not undoing this." Rodney informs him.

"Meredith" Jeanie's voice chokes with emotion, "Why would, would... Dave, Wyatt, help me out here."

Dave steps forward and takes Rodney's hand, "Brother, I know this has been very hard for you... I can understand why you would have this impulse, but this is rash. But we need you to live, we're not ready for you go just yet."

"That's the thing" Rodney explains, "No one ever is ready to go. No one ever wants to be parted. But with this machine we could change that. We can choose the time we want to go. As long as we don't wait too long, we could all be together. It's just a different way of doing things."

"Well, I'm not ready to say goodbye!" Jeanie exclaims, "I'm sure Wyatt isn't ready either."

When Jeanie catches his nephew's eye, her face clouds with confusion. "Wyatt? You knew about his?"

"Wyatt." Ara sounds shocked.

Teyla speaks up, "I for one, believe that Rodney is right. This is how the Ancestors intended the machine to be used. They want us to evolve, to follow them."

Jennifer disagrees, "As a doctor, I can't condone use in this way. Is this some kind of suicide machine?"

"No," Teyla responds calmly, "The purpose is not to die, but to Ascend."

"I guess we'll see." Jennifer says grudgingly.

Ronon walks up to Rodney and pats him on the shoulder. He doesn't have to say anything, but Rodney can sense that Ronon understands.

Jeanie sinks to her knees and begins to cry. Rodney's heart breaks for her and he pulls her up to the bed and into his arms, "I love you sis, I'm not leaving you. You're going to be stuck with me forever this way. I promise. I promise."

Poor Jeanie just sobs, "I wasn't ready for this, I thought we were losing John, but Mere...Mere... what am I supposed to tell Madison when she gets back?"

"I'm sorry, Jeanie, I'm so sorry." He pets he back, "I'm so sorry sweetie. I didn't mean to shock you or scare you like this."

After she calms down, she pushes herself up off the bed, "I just need some time...time alone with this. Okay, Mere?"

He nods as Jeanie and Kaleb make their way out of the room. Ronon gives Rodney and John each a firm shoulder slap and leaves with Jennifer.

Vala squeezes Rodney's hand and Daniel tries to cover up his discomfort my making one of his sarcastic quips, "So... maybe not the brightest move for some who claims to be a genius."

"He's bloody idiot!" Carson fusses, "Always has been."

"Thanks guys, love you too." Rodney squeezes Vala's hand back and let's go.

Teyla leans over and touches her forehead down to both John and Rodney, then she leaves with most everyone else to give the two of them some peace.

Wyatt pulls up a chair and tells Ara she should get some rest. She kisses him on forehead, "Just let me know if you need anything, I'll be right upstairs."

Dave stays as well, pulling up a chair next to John, "Well count me in. How do we make this Ascension thing work?"

"Ah, well..." John pulls himself up into a sitting position, "I seem to remember a lot of candles, pillows, quiet meditation, that kind of thing. Spending time in reflection. The body accelerates the brain activity and at some point you ascend or die."

"John." Dave frowns, "You're looking better, I mean a lot better. Is there some way we can stop this process halfway? Cure the cancer and be done with it?"

"No" Rodney tells him, "It doesn't work like that. Kind of a one-way train."

"You do look better Dad." Wyatt smiles.

"It's a miracle." John says sarcastically, "I've got weeks now instead of days"

"You both have weeks." Wyatt reminds him.

"Mere..." John turns to Rodney, "is there anything I can say to change your mind?"

"No." Rodney is firm. "We are taking this trip together. We are going to Ascend and then convince everyone it is safe to follow."

"Well, I'm not ready to go just yet." Dave jokes.

"So that's how it's going to go down is it?" John smiles humorously at Rodney.

"Pretty much." Rodney says dead pan.

"I've come to trust Rodney on these things." John shrugs to Dave and Wyatt.

"So what do we do now?" Wyatt asks.

"We set up a meditation area, and live life as normally as possible for the next 2 weeks or so, after that we should be under direct medical supervision." Rodney tells them, "In my case a seizure preceded death by about 30 minutes."

"We have it all ready to set up here." Wyatt interjects quickly, "Both of you can take this bedroom, there's plenty of room for medical equipment. And this way we can get you anything you need-"

"We're not invalids, you know" Rodney jokes.

"Just let me care of you." Wyatt sighs. "Please."

"We do it Wyatt's way." John answers.

"Okay" Wyatt grins happily as he stands up, telling them on the way out the door "I'm going to make a few trips to the Maison and get the rest of your things, Pop. I'll let you know when lunch is ready."

Dave stands up as well, "I'll help. You two get some rest."

As soon as they are alone again, John and Rodney wrap themselves up in each other as close as they can. Rodney has missed this so much; it was all worth it for just a few more weeks of this.

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	154. And death shall have no dominion

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The next couple weeks Rodney and John spend as much quality time with their loved ones as possible, while making time for quiet meditation; and of course, the best part, cuddling together at night.

John's health rebounds, in the face he looks years younger. Both of them develop the disconcerting range of advanced powers that precede the Ascension process.

Carson has set up every conceivable kind medical equipment in the bedroom to monitor them. Rodney knows that days are growing short now and a seed of doubt is growing in him. Why can't they just stay here, alive and well and happy as they have been for most of their lives?

It's a stupid thought. Why should they be any different from the rest of the human race and escape the experience of dying. It's just, Rodney doesn't feel like he's making much progress with his brainwaves. John is doing better, but neither of them are where there are supposed to be.

Maybe they should be spending more time in seclusion. Rodney pushes in the big door to the main house and finds John in the sitting room with Wyatt and Ara. They all look so perfectly happy. He smiles wistfully and walks over to John, rubbing his thin shoulders.

"Rodney, we wanted you and John to know we have decided on a name." Ara pipes up first, smiling she tells him, "We're going to name him Emmitt, what do you think?"

"Perfect." Rodney grins.

"Emmitt Sheppard-McKay," Wyatt adds, "Actually, Emmitt Dex Sheppard-McKay."

"I think it sounds quite distinguished." John looks up at Rodney.

"And he's especially lucky to have you both as parents." Rodney beams at them.

The room goes silent for a moment, no one says what they are thinking, which of course is the fact that Wyatt might soon be losing both his parents.

Then Rodney blurts out, "I promise we'll get this meditation licked in the next couple days. And we'll get to be around to see Emmitt be born and take his first steps."

Again the room is silent for a moment.

"I'm going to hold you to that." Ara says firmly, "So Rodney, have you had any dinner? You just missed Dave but we all just ate."

"I'm fine," Rodney assures her, "had some... food-like stuff with Jeanie and the family."

"How's she doing with this?" Ara asks compassionately.

"Well, she's not happy about it but the yelling has stopped."

"Well, that's something." Are offers.

Rodney feels a sudden surge of sentiment come over him, "Thank you for taking such good care of my son." he immediately regrets saying it because it makes it sound like he really won't be coming back from this.

"Oh." Ara looks touched, "Well, he takes good care of me too. You raised him to be amazing man." With a twinkle in her eye, she adds, for Rodney's benefit, "Not to mention a genius."

"You've always known just what to say to him." John laughs.

"Ah, uh." Rodney blusters with parental pride and a bit of embarrassment, "I guess I'm going to meditate now."

He leaves them to continue their conversation. The bedroom is dark, glittering with candles. The bed looks so inviting, but he keeps falling asleep when he relaxes there. Instead, he lies down on the carpet with a hertz reader around his forehead. There is no need to get up and check it. All the data is being stored for a later examination.

All he needs to do is think about bright blue skies opening up before him, wide open fields... Nothing to impede his journey... nothing left to be ashamed of... nothing left unknown.

Bu there is one thing in the way. A clinging attachment that comes from his fear of losing John, trying to control this process so they can go together. Rodney knows he need to let go of it. Let go of what will happen. But he can't.

The door opens. John. Oh. All he can think about is John, how desperate he is to keep their connection, to keep him from slipping away. But it is the antithesis of what he needs to be doing to 'release his burden'.

"I can't stop thinking about you." Rodney frets. "No matter how hard I try, you're the reason for everything."

John sits next to him on the ground, "Didn't you once tell me it made no sense to try to hide your ulterior motive for Ascending because the point was to be honest with yourself?"

"I may have said that."

"Let's try something new." John attaches a hertz reader to his head, "Let's do it together, hold my hand, focus on letting go, but be honest about your intentions."

"Now close your eyes" John tells him as lays down on the ground and slips his hand in Rodney's.

"Bright blue skies." Rodney relaxes.

"There's no talking." John whispers.

Right. Rodney will just think his obsessive thoughts. It could happen, he made it happen before and he was an emotional mess at the time, not all the kind of person who should have been capable...

Ah… A warm peace comes over him as if an exterior force is slowing down his brain. It's pleasant, reminding him that in fact, he is at peace. He is loved and surrounded by family and friends; his heart is more full than he ever thought possible. There is nothing left uncompleted.

There is only his abiding love for John, the love that has always driven him to become a better person, to grow, to laugh, to live... And now he is seeking to stay joined on their path, to Ascend together and explore a whole new world rather than go on alone; not to continue as half of a whole, empty and waiting and hoping to find his lost heart again.

John is here with him and he won't let go. No matter the outcome... Rodney has let go of everything but John. ... Ah...

And Rodney feels the slow pressure in his brain again, slowing everything down to a drip. Slow visuals and sensations rather than thoughts. So heavy it is like he can't move his limbs or open his eyes. He might be falling asleep... John...John...like a mantra...John...John...

Is he dreaming?... John come with me...

 _'I'm here, Mere'_ John's voice is inside his head.

Rodney moves his hand but can't feel John anymore. Is he moving?...John...

 _'Mere'_

He feels John's presence with him; he is not alone. The pleasant pressure in his mind begins to abate. It gets lighter and lighter. Now he can see the light, nothing but bright light everywhere.

John... Something touches him -hands across his chest, but it feels like more like John is inside his chest.

 _'Rodney'_

Suddenly Rodney finds his eyes and they open... Oh my God. He is above the floor. John is glowy and white, his tendrils winding around Rodney, caressing him.

That means... Rodney looks down at his own form in shock. He's one of those–those Ancient things! He can feel John's mind inside his, soothing him the way it used to when they were linked by the stones.

They are feeling the same wonder and surprise that this has worked, both confused by the new kinds of sensations they can feel with their bodies... if you can even call them that. Their bodies are gone. Rodney looks down at the floor beneath them. Just empty piles of clothes remain.

In his mind he hears John's thought, _'Wyatt'._

He's right. They need the take solid shapes again; it will be easier for Wyatt to see them that way.

 _'How do we do that?'_ Rodney wonders.

 _'That's a very good question.'_ John's energy trills around him.

Lowering his spirit to the ground, Rodney finds his glowing white shape curling around his fallen garments. He bumps his wedding ring and it begins rolling across the hardwood floor.

Instinctively he reaches for it, suddenly seeing his fist closing around the band. He is aware of his naked form kneeling on the ground. _'John.'_ He can still feel John's mind inside his.

As John's glowy shape takes solid human form, Rodney's heart drops through his chest. That face... A face he hasn't seen in so many years. John he looks a young as he did when they first met in Antarctica.

 _'You look good too, Mere.'_ John says inside Rodney's mind.

Rodney looks down at his arms and his chest, Oh my God. He's young again. Rodney puts his ring back on his left hand, where he and John have been wearing them since their legal wedding.

He feels John's warm hands rolling across the skin on his chest and wrap around his waist, pulling him close. John kisses Rodney's neck, and he can feel all of the love and tenderness in the embrace. He knows John can feel his heart as well, the swell of love, the wholeness and relief flooding his body as he thinks, _'It worked'._

 _'You are a genius...'_ John tightens his grip around Rodney's waist, _'Now, let's get dressed and tell them the good news.'_

They smile at each other and slip back into their clothes. No words are necessary, every thought is known between them. John squeezes Rodney's hand in excitement before they open the door to the sitting room.

Ara immediately stands up, gasping with her hand over her mouth.

Wyatt turns around and gapes at them, "Oh my God! It really worked!" He stumbles to his feet, "Pop... Dad... you look so different."

They rush forward to hug them both. Rodney feels so happy that he senses himself almost floating again about to leave his human form. This is going to take some getting used to. He can tell John is having the same difficulty adjusting. But for now all they want is to hold their family again, to reassure them.

After a short time, Ara goes to get the others and before long they're surrounded by the whole clan. Ronon clasps Rodney in one of his classic bear hugs. Even in his 50's Ronon's strength is impressive.

Then Jeanie grabs him, chattering enthusiastically about how she knew this would work. It is some time before the tender embraces and backslaps come to an end and they sit down to answer all the questions about what it is like.

.  
.

After a few weeks in Solaris John and Rodney follow their instincts and let themselves take flight in non-corporeal form. They promise to return in human from in time for Emmitt's birth and stay for many years to come. But for now it is a relief for Rodney to feel his body lifting up. He might have been more afraid to see the planet's surface disappearing so quickly, but John is here, entwined with him. And together they can feel the pulse of the galaxy trembling through them.

It is amazing to know everything in the universe all fits together. They can sense the other Ascended beings scattered throughout galaxies. Some in the Milky Way, some in Pegasus and Andromeda, and others places more distant.

 _'We could go to any one those places'_ John thinks excitedly, _'We can FLY there!'_

Feeling a little overwhelmed at the vast expanse, Rodney is grateful for John's calming presence. _'Lead the way'._

.  
.

* * *

.

.

After a number of months spent exploring and meeting some of the other Ascended beings, John reminds Rodney that is time to head home. Time flows so quickly here, but somehow John knows when it is time to return to Wyatt.

Even with all their adventures traveling, they both agree that nothing could ever compare to the story of how they met and fell in love. Even with all the heartache and loss woven throughout it makes their ultimate triumph, cheating death to stay together, all the sweeter.

John winds his spirit around Rodney's glowing center. He aches to be inside of Rodney again and feels Rodney responding to his desire, his form defusing into light mist. Rodney pulls John inside of him, contracting again so John feels the pleasurable pressure sliding through every wave of his being.

They float weightlessly in space, spinning over each other, glowing brighter, expanding and contracting together. Every thrill is compounded by the fact that he can feel Rodney's sexual build up as well as his own.

Oh God. Rodney has gotten so good at this. They both have. In a way, they have come to prefer it to having sex in human form. The stimulation is so all consuming, so direct. All it takes is thinking it, wanting it, and then John can touch whatever part of Rodney's soul he wants to. Every nuance of sensation, every ecstasy that Rodney is capable of feeling, he can manipulate.

John feels Rodney fluttering into him, resting in the shapes that John provides. This time John takes the lead, cradling Rodney and threading his fibers through him. In and out, reminding him of when he would use his cock to penetrate him.

Rodney sighs and quivers for him.

 _'I love you'_ John pulses as he feels the excitement building to a frenzy. _'so much.'_

As the moment of climax approaches, they both rush together, into a dense white hot point of light before they explode. Spinning out together into a thousand waves of light, banded together.

Always together. They have no need to sleep the way humans do, but they rest; they float and dream. All tangled around each other and never more whole.

.  
.

Everyone is overjoyed to see them when they arrive back at Solaris. When Wyatt hugs John, he can sense his relief, the fear he had had that they would never return.

"Oh, Wy..." John squeezes his son as hard as he can. "You'll never be without us."

He feels Wyatt take a deep shaky breath and let go. "I made something while you gone. Well, it's not quite finished, but..."

John can already so it in his mind's eye. He knows Rodney sees it too.

Wyatt points to the stone structure in the distance. It is beautiful.

"You have your father's gift." Rodney tells their son.

"Wait 'til you see it" Wyatt smiles shyly.

Gesturing for John and Rodney to follow, Wyatt explains, "It's a kind of crypt, well not a crypt –technically it's a Columbarium. It's a place where the ashes of many people can be stored.

Since neither of you had any ashes... and the plan is that probably none us here will... Well, I wanted to have a kind of memorial, a place to go when I missed you."

"Oh, Wy..." Rodney slings his arm around Wyatt while they walk, "That's so sweet. I'm sorry we were gone so long. I promise we're going to stay now."

As they get closer, John runs his hands along the smooth stone surface of the archway leading in. There is an inscription above the entrance.

 _And death shall have no dominion._  
 _Dead men naked they shall be one_  
 _with the man in the wind and the west moon._  
 _When their bones are picked clean_  
 _and the clean bones gone_  
 _they shall have stars at elbow and foot._  
 _Though they go mad they shall be sane._  
 _Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again._  
 _Though lovers be lost love shall not._  
 _And death shall have no dominion._

"It's the best memorial I've ever seen." John tells Wyatt. "Reminds me of a Gothic chapel if it were more airy and spacious."

He senses Rodney blinking back some tears as he says, "It's beautiful."

"Let me show inside." Wyatt urges.

They walk under the archway and into a large chamber with many large colorful tiles.

"See, these are all empty." Wyatt knocks on one of the tiles, "For now, these tiles are just here to... well, make it less gloomy. I'm thinking when one of us Ascends, the space inside can be filled with some personal items and the tile can be engraved... Something with a name and all that."

"We love it." Rodney gushes, "It's a great idea."

"Do you want to see yours?" Wyatt asks.

"Of course." John smiles.

They walk to the back of the rectangular building, to the far wall. John blinks at the inscription at the top of the wall:

 _I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands_  
 _and wrote my will across the sky and stars_  
 _To earn you freedom, the seven-pillared worthy house,_  
 _that your eyes might be shining for me_  
 _When we came._

"Oh my God." Seeing it like this is making John's throat grow tight with emotion.

"I know they were your favorite poems." Wyatt offers.

Underneath the inscription he sees his name side by side with Rodney's. And there are two little recessed areas holding their wedding bands.

Wyatt picks they rings out of the slots, "Didn't want to seal these inside just yet. Not till we're all gone."

"Yeah." John's voice comes out a little choked as he re-reads the inscription.

"The seven pillared worthy house..." Rodney sighs, "Wyatt this is..."

"Wonderful." John finishes as he hugs his son close.

And it is wonderful being back home, being there to see Emmitt take his first steps. And before long he and Rodney have two more grandchildren to get to know as well as others from their extended family.

A new age of public space exploration begins as the SGC is declassified. And as Jeanie had hoped, probably in no small part due to her efforts, humans begin to reach for something beyond their own world; petty rivalries and differences begin to disappear in the wake of a new challenge, a sense of shared purpose about human destiny.

And then as time slides by, their dear friends begin to join them by using the Ascension machine. Dave is the first, then Daniel and Vala. Later Teyla and Kanan. Over the years Jeanie and Kaleb, Jennifer and Ronon and many Athosians join them. It begins to feel like they are not so outnumbered by the rule-abiding Ancients.

By the time Wyatt, Ara, and some of the other children start to follow, off world travel has become commonplace. Since Carson's Wraith enzyme has allowed him to live an extended lifespan, he chose to stay on the Earthly plane for a while, perfecting his work. But eventually Carson joins them as well.

.  
.


	155. I'll always come back for you

.  
.

John and Rodney and the others spend less and less time returning to Solaris to visit as Ascension becomes common knowledge now and they are surrounded by many of their kind wherever they go.

A handful of their descendants join an expedition to explore Andromeda and John and Rodney follow to see how things develop. By then, Rodney's wormhole drive has become the standard mode of travel.

One of their descendants, Dex Sheppard-McKay, a pilot on an Andromeda expedition, ends up becoming instrumental in the Sekkari interference wars. John and Rodney can't help but see of a little of themselves in him. There is another pilot that Dex has fallen in love with, Wyatt. A man named after John and Rodney's famous son but of no relation. Wanting to see them succeed, they help out a little in some of the worst battles in the Andromeda wars to make sure the two of them survive and the Sekkari are defeated once and for all.

Once Andromeda becomes safe, Dex and Wyatt marry and settle there, having children of their own with the Ancient fertility machines that have, by now, become the most common way for humans to reproduce.

The descendants of the Sheppard-McKay line follow in many paths, all of them accomplishing great things in their own way. But those who came from Dex and Wyatt are among the most adventurers pioneers in the Andromeda galaxy. Some of them even establish a settlement on a planet that they name Solaris, after the birthplace of Earth Aeronautics. And with time, it becomes one of the most thriving and vital worlds in the galaxy.

.  
.

A long time has passed since John and Rodney were on Earth and when they return to their own Solaris in human form, they find it much changed; a museum now. The structure of the Columbarium is still intact.

A brightly colored 3 dimensional photograph has been emblazoned into the side to the stone. It makes John's heart ache a little. He remembers the day the photo was taken. All of them had posed, standing in three rows to fit everyone in. It had been a feat to get the kids to stop laughing and goofing around, but eventually they had managed it.

Rodney squeezes his hand, "That was a great day."

The two of them look at the dated image. From the picture but it isn't obvious, but John fondly remembers that he and Rodney were holding hands. Dave, Jeanie, and Kaleb stand next to them. Next to Toren are his proud parents, Teyla and Kanan.

Toren is standing above Wyatt with his elbows on his shoulders. Little Ara playfully smiling at her buddy Wyatt. Carson is on his tiptoes, trying to seem taller next to Halling. While Jinto has his arm draped over Madison's shoulder. The two of them always had a special bond. It was no surprise when years late, Madison and Jinto developed a romance and got married.

In the front row, Jennifer sits on her knees, next to Ronon is who playfully hunched over to conceal his height. He holds his son Tyre on a knee. Vala and Daniel sit next to them, holding their children in their laps.

Even though all of them are still alive and well, John is so grateful to Wyatt for making this monument, this little time capsule and window into the past. The place where their extended family began.

Somehow beginnings are even sweeter than eternity. Beginnings are fragile and precious things. Only in hindsight do they become so indelible, so pivotal to the course of one's life.

The two of them leave Earth again to traverse the through space, to return to their extended and ever growing family of loved ones. They play, laughter spilling out everywhere, light quivering around and as they entertain each other. It's amazing how it is still possible to be tickled when you are a ball of energy.

' _Who ever said Ascended couldn't have sense of humor._ ' John laughs.

Time becomes immaterial. It flows around them like a quickly moving river. Based on Earth's solar revolution, thousands and thousands of years go by. The next time they visit Earth it has become nothing more than a backwater hamlet itself. Humans have seeded many galaxies and developed the ability to Ascend on their own.

John and Rodney's original home world is now just one of many, a drop in the ocean. As for the ranch itself, the structures, the beloved tree house, and even the tree have crumbled to dust. Only some stone ruins remain where the old monument once stood.

"Come my love." Rodney turns and kisses John, "There is nothing here for us anymore, but a whole universe awaits us."

Happy to be in human from for the moment, John kisses Rodney's delectable lips, "Let's go to back to New Solaris" he suggests, "Let's spend a lifetime making love to each other, the way we used to."

And Rodney doesn't need to say anything for John to know his answer. They join in spirit and make the wish a reality. They do it over and over again; and as years drift by in the thousands, they move back and forth between Ascended form and human, living many lives enjoying the sheer pleasure of everyday life and the passion they find in each other.

.

* * *

.

.

Somehow this cluster of the Andromeda galaxy has become a main settlement ground for humans in both basic and Ascended form. The planet of New Solaris has become a meaningful place for all of them in their extended family to create new cherished memories together.

It's ecology is a unique mix of advanced technologies and rural life. Most of the city dwellings exist above the surface; the residential 'clouds' are unfixed, drifting at will unless set to attach by umbilical cord to a desired location.

In a way, their house reminds Rodney of a spaceship from an old Earth movie called Barbarella. It is so open and airy; the entire surface of the structure can become a window or just radiate with glow of the Solarian sun.

Lying back on the soft pallet, Rodney uses the neural points in his fingertips to scroll the air; the screen on the ceiling changes. Ah, these stories never get old, and they just keep writing new ones. Reading the words, Rodney laughs out loud.

"What's so funny?" John asks reclining back with him. He looks up at the screen, then groans. "Not more of this."

Giggling, Rodney rolls onto John's chest, "Always. You know I can't get enough of this stuff. Listen to this one,

'McKay's sinewy muscles lifted Sheppard from the mud where he had fallen. The confidence of his natural masculinity more than compensated for the other man's weakness. Holding Sheppard's quivering frame', he told him 'You don't have to be afraid anymore'."

"God. Where do you find this?" John winces.

"Are you kidding? This stuff is all over Pegasus. I think it started with a single myth, but now everyone pens new stories about the heroes. I mean, it's kind of interesting anthropologically. You gotta figure the stories of the once evil Wraith would trickle down somehow; it's just random luck that they remembered us at all."

"Yeah." John rolls his eyes, Well, Ronon is still annoyed that he was forgotten in the sagas."

"But he wasn't in Harmony's portrait. So, the historical monuments only contained 3 figures. In the foreground, our champion Dr. Rodney McKay, of course. Behind him, Teyla the Princess warrior with her magical pendant. And finally, providing comic and sexual release for our hero, the character, 'Sheppard the Coward'."

"Fortunately," John sighs, "my reputation in this galaxy has fared much better."

Waving his hand to another page, Rodney cajoles, "One more, one more. This one's really good.

'Though Sheppard's cowardly ways had once again put the mission in jeopardy, McKay gave him the refuge he needed.' Taking him in his strong arms, he told him, 'I will use my Ancient knowledge to build you a shield, one that shall always protect you. It will glow over your body with a pink sheen and nothing will ever penetrate it, except me."'

"Rodney."

"Mmm?"

"You wrote this?" John growls into his neck.

"Uh-huh. Oh. Oh." Suddenly Rodney is being attacked and flipped onto his back, he can't stop laughing, "-Could only read so much before... I had to write one of my own. It's pink... Ha ha... like the shield that I... Oh. Ha ha. Oh. You remember?"

"Oh, I remember, McKay." John pins him tightly against the soft foam of the pallet, "Yeah. I think tonight I will be the one doing the penetrating."

"Oh, Sheppard, please." Rodney moans as John takes his mouth in his. Gasping in between kisses, he taunts, "Show me how far you can penetrate."

John wraps his body around Rodney's and kisses his teasing smile away, drowning him in passion instead. Lost in the embrace of his beloved, Rodney clenches into his hair.

As punishment for his fictional tale, John makes Rodney wait and beg for it. Then John gives him everything he wants, slowly making love to him, penetrating his very soul and holding his spirit as they climax together.

.  
.

Many peaceful centuries pass in the 4 galaxies and Rodney has never been more content. But one day he has a strange sensation, as if there is something he is urgent he is supposed to remember. Something teasing at the edges of his memory.

He urges John to follow, ' _There's something important I have to do._ '

' _Where are we going?_ ' John wonders as they flash though space.

Rodney doesn't know yet; he only feels a pull.

John reads his thoughts and sends a pulse of love, ' _I've learned to trust you with these things._ '

They are somewhere in the Pegasus now... Rodney starts to slow down and sees a strange desert planet under giant red sun. Something is down there. A ghostly image flickering in and out of this reality.

The realization hits him. This is Eidolon... and on the surface... Atlantis.

As they draw near, the station is immersed in a sandstorm. Rodney sees a figure fighting to walk through the gale.

' _One last thing I have to do_.' He tells John.

He feels John's contrasting emotions until he understands, ' _I died here_.'

Pushing past the Quantum barrier, Rodney makes contact. He rushes in to meld with the failing figure as he collapses in the sand, breathing life back into his limp body. He feels the man in his arms restored to life.

Speaking out loud to the John from so long ago, the one that he so nearly lost, Rodney holds the figure upright and propels him toward safety, urging, "Not that much further now."

John's ethereal form is by his side now, speaking to his self from the past, "Don't give up. You're going to make to the other side."

Rodney warms knowing that John is speaking about more than the distance to the other side of the courtyard. He is talking about something Ronon told him long ago about letting go of his fears, letting himself admit his feelings for Rodney. It must have gotten through, because John did make it to the other side.

They both keep the weary figure moving until he reaches the door and collapses into it.

.  
.

* * *

.

.

"I'm sorry," Rodney sounds disheartened by the end of the tale, "I… I wish some of these stories had happier endings... Sheppard?"

"Sheppard! Are you still with me?... Sheppard!"

Beaten down into the fury and fire of sand around him, John collapses. He can't breathe anymore; all his strength is gone now.

As he fades away, the mournful thought that he's failed Rodney is the last thread of awareness that John's mind clings to... it lingers, like a wisp in the storm, before he is gone and disappears completely into oblivion.

Something kicks air back into his lungs.

Coughing out sand, John wonders how he is alive.

Is he being lifted? He feels his body pulling up, away from the sand that has drifted over his half buried body.

Barely aware of his surroundings, John only feels protected and cool, he can breathe again. Blinking through the haze, he sees something... a glowing light.

"Not that much further now." Rodney's voice urges him.

But the voice isn't coming from the com. It isn't the hologram, is it? It sounds like Rodney is here, outside with him.

"Where?..." John is on his feet moving forward with a strength that is not his own.

Is he hallucinating? He feels himself about to fall and again the cool light lifts him, propelling him forward.

"Don't give up. You're going to make it to the other side." This time the voice sounds like his own. He's definitely hearing things that aren't there.

Somehow John glides forward easily the next few yards. In the distance, he finally makes out the shape of a door. As he gets within reach, the vision of light around him begins to dim.

Just short of his destination, John's sinks to his knees.

He's too tired, but he's almost there. If he can lift himself up one more time, just make it a little longer...

The door opens and John stumbles in. Battered and sandblasted, he falls forward to the ground.

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

Rodney stares as the ghost of the quantum Atlantis flickers out of existence.

 _'See,'_ He tells John, _'I did follow you through time, through 48,000 years of I've never left you behind.'_

 _'You came back for me.'_ John swells with emotion.

Twisting his spirit through John's ethereal form, Rodney infuses him with the boundless, endless love that he feels.

He holds John in a sweet embrace and makes him feel the eternity of his devotion, waiting until he is saturated with a complete knowing of Rodney's heart before he tells him.

 _'I'll always come back for you.'_

.


End file.
